Opposites absolutely do NOT Attract!

by Drizzle Quill

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Daring Do, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Other
Length: 2444

Rainbow Dash! It was just a one-liner; Daring is famous for them! It certainly does NOT mean she and Ahuizotl are in a...relationship!

Twilight is outraged by the fact Rainbow Dash has begun shipping Daring Do and Ahuizotl.

Published 2013-12-09 00:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-09 00:40:02 UTC

Shipping is stupid!

"They call it shipping, Twilight, and man, is it fun!"

It was currently seven fifteen in the morning. Twilight Sparkle had woken up at six, like she did every morning. She had combed out her mane, made her bed, preened her feathers if necessary, all of which was usually done by six thirty. She would then proceed to eat breakfast with or without Spike, depending on his mood, usually finishing the meal itself and her clean-up process by seven. That was when she began to read.

The book she had next in line on her incredibly long "read later list" was a sci-fi mystery that captured her attention from the very first paragraph; fifteen short minutes flew by like nothing as she turned the pages, one after another, enthralled and captured in the magical world now firmly planted in her head.

Somepony knocked.

Lost in the web of words, Twilight didn't even hear the three sharp taps until they came again, a bit louder this time. Right ear flicking once in irritation, she gave a quick shout. "Sorry, we're currently closed, please come back later, bye."

The knocker didn't seem to care. Only three short seconds after Twilight had settled back into her regular position, the door burst open and a light blue figure zipped into the room.

“Twilight!” Rainbow Dash called, glancing rapidly from side to side. “Twi! Where are you? I’ve got to tell you about the coolest thing ever!”

A soft grunting noise came from the back of Twilight’s throat as she levitated her bookmark into the book, closed the cover, and turned around. “Rainbow Dash. What’re you doing here?”

Dash seemed not to hear her; her magenta eyes were bright with excitement and she was jogging in place, wings held erect. “I’ve finally figured out what it’s called!”

There was no need to mask the annoyance in Twilight’s voice. “What what is called?”

“Shipping!”

Twilight blinked.

Rainbow Dash seemed not to notice. “They call it shipping, Twilight,” she said again, “and man, is it fun!”

“Shipping,” she repeated slowly.

The pegasus nodded eagerly. “Yup!”

The term wasn’t familiar with Twilight, nor did she know what Dash was talking about. But it had to be of some sort of importance, or else she wouldn’t have been disturbed from her peaceful reading time for such a rude interruption. She might as well try to find out what it was she had been disturbed for. “And what exactly is shipping, Rainbow Dash?”

Dash seemed all too eager to answer the question. “So, what Thunderlane told me is—”

Twilight held up one hoof. “Wait a second. What does Thunderlane have to do with this?”

“Right.” Dash rolled her eyes. “Forgot to tell you. Well, turns out Thunderlane – you know him, right? – turns out he’s a huge Daring Do fan. And he knows all this slang for different things that he learned from other book fans! And…you seriously didn’t know any of this stuff before?”

Twilight shook her head no. “I never bothered to talk to other ponies who had read the books, I just read them and enjoyed them my own way.”

“You’re boring.”

A deadpan glare followed; Rainbow Dash hurriedly continued onward before she could linger too long on the fact that she might be blasted into a million pieces. “So shipping is one of the slang words he taught me. And it turns out I’ve been shipping all along!”

“You’re not answering my question,” Twilight continued, tapping one hoof on the ground. “What is shipping?”

“A shortened version of ‘relationship,’” Dash literally squeed. Normally Twilight Sparkle wasn’t very happy with using a word that wasn’t in the dictionary, but there was no other way to describe the noise that came out of her mouth at that moment. “Like, when you want two characters to start dating. You think they’d be a good couple.”

For a few moments, Twilight Sparkle did not move a muscle. Rainbow Dash watched eagerly, magenta eyes awaiting what she was sure would be a positive reaction of excitement.

“Well,” said Twilight, slowly. “I knew I shouldn’t have discussed stories with other ponies.”

Rainbow’s ears lowered. “What’s wrong with it?”

“That’s breaking the fun of the story, Rainbow Dash. The fun is to see what happens, who turns out with who, not to make up your own pairings!” Twilight sighed. “Tell me, who exactly do you ‘ship?’”

“Shipping is fun,” Dash replied, her lip curling ever so slightly; it was a face one might normally see on Rarity, but at this moment it was perfectly normal. “It’s fun to make up your own head-canons and—”

Something about cannons. Twilight’s head spun; she glared at Dash, resisting the urge to use her magic to render those flapping blue wings useless, but decided against it. “Rainbow, come on.”

“Alright, alright.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Daring Do and Ahuizotl.”

Twilight’s jaw literally dropped.

Dash scratched the back of her neck nervously, lips curling into an anxious grin. “Is that bad?”

Visions flew into Twilight’s mind; visions of the two characters she had always thought of as the typical “good versus evil” examples, ever since she was a little filly and her mother had started reading her Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone. The heroine hated the villain, and the villain tried to conquer the heroine. But now…now…

Visions of them in an embrace…

Is that bad?

Chest heaving, Twilight stared up at Rainbow Dash, who had perched atop one of the bookshelves – squeaky clean, as they were always dusted at eight thirty every morning – and had taken out the third Daring Do book. “What,” she asked, voice shaking, “exactly is your reasoning behind that?”

“Well, I had just noticed that some things they say to each other, some ways they act, kinda hints at them having one of those love-hate relationships opposites have.” Rainbow Dash winked. “And everypony knows opposites attract.”

One eye twitched. “Who the hay came up with that reasoning?”

“The pony with common sense?” Dash suggested, turning a page in the book and shrugging.

Twilight tried not to flinch.

“Ahuizotl and Daring have the best love-hate relationship I’ve ever seen,” Dash continued. “You know, in the second book he does say that he’d love to have her by his side forever.”

Twilight’s lip trembled. “He was talking about killing her and keeping her body by him, Rainbow Dash. A six year old filly could figure that out!”

That was actually the truth; Twilight had been six when the second book in the series had been released, and the true, darker intention of the villain’s words had been clear as day even then.

Dash sighed and shook her head, placing the book in its proper shelf and taking out the next one. “Clearly you don’t read with your shipping goggles on, Twi.” She snickered. “Once they’re on, you can’t take them off!”

“Shipping goggles?”

Rainbow Dash opened her mouth, presumably to explain, but Twilight held up a hoof, shaking her head. “You know what? I don’t even want to know. No way. No more. Brain overload.”

Dash squinted. “But you’re Twilight Sparkle. You’ve read the dictionary three times in a row nonstop after reading A History of Equestria, and you were fine! Now just talking about a little romance gives you a brain overload?”

“Yes.” Twilight nodded. “Absolutely.”

Dash snorted and rolled her eyes. “You are so weird.”

The alicorn pursed her lips and gave no reply.

Silence reigned for the next thirty seconds; through that short amount of time, Twilight had been too overly flooded with mind breaking Daring X Ahuizotl images to let it continue for any longer. “Rainbow Dash?”

She lifted her head and turned. “Hmm?”

Twilight lifted her chin just a tiny bit and narrowed her eyes. The honesty in her voice rang pure and true. “Shipping is stupid.”

Rainbow Dash was on her hooves instantly, wings spread and eyes narrowed to equal Twilight’s. “Hey. Twi, you did not just do that. You did not just do that.”

Twilight cocked her head. “And what if I did?”

“Then you’ll have to deal with me.”

A smirk slowly grew on Twilight Sparkle’s face. “Shall I explain to you why your reasoning makes no sense whatsoever?”

“If you’ll let me fight back.”

Twilight nodded. “Deal.”

It began.

“Your first argument was that opposites attract. This is so incredibly wrong in so many different ways.”

They sat on Twilight’s bed, Dash on one side and Twilight on the other. In between them, the many books that, all together, made the Daring Do series. Twilight had a poster propped up on a stand beside her; she held a quill in her magic nice and proper, ready to write. Rainbow Dash eyed it, then her, both with an obvious air of reluctance.

“I imagine most of this misconception comes from magnets.” Twilight levitated a pair out of a drawer next to her bed and opened her mouth to speak.

“Why do you keep magnets by your bed?” Rainbow Dash interrupted, seeming genuinely curious.

Twilight grit her teeth. “Because you honestly never know when you’ll need magnets.”

Dash snorted. “Are you taking lessons from Pinkie Pie now?”

“Are you going to continue to interrupt or do you want your turn?” Twilight groaned.

The pegasus sighed. “Fine, fine. That one was just too hard to pass up. I’ll listen now. Promise.”

Satisfied, Twilight returned to her magnets. “Now, as you can see, a magnet has two charges: a negative charge and a positive charge.”

“Question.”

Twilight’s following glare could only be perfected by a unicorn-turned-alicorn who had a lot of completely different friends that all somehow managed to ask stupid questions or get into stupid situations at one point or another. Luckiliy, she was a master at such an art.

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Alright, alright. Listening now. No more questions.”

“The negative charge of a magnet denies the pull of another negative charge in favor of a positive charge,” the alicorn continued, scribbling a drawing on the poster and nodding at Dash to make sure she understood. “The same goes for the positive charge. What is truly odd is that it appears that the positive and the negative forces attract each other. This is why most use the term ‘opposites attract.’”

“Then it’s true! …sorry.”

Twilight’s muzzle scrunched up; in a somewhat forced voice she continued. “Though the term might be true for magnets, who is it to say that it works for ponies? For example, a farmpony and a fashionista. Rainbow Dash, can you think of an example of two types of ponies that might not go well together?”

Dash blinked. “A nerdy egghead and an athletic jock?”

Twilight Sparkle flushed bright red.

After randomly, temporarily excusing herself for a few minutes, in which she flew out the window in ragged circles gawking and trying to clear her mind, the teacher returned to find her student going through the Daring Do books and doggy-earing some of the pages.

Needless to say, she was not pleased.

“I have my reasons! I have my reasons!” Dash insisted; Twilight sighed and silently vowed that after this was all over, she would have a nice relaxing day in the library fixing her Daring Do books and then reading forever.

“So, what other science-y stuff are you gonna shoot at me?”

Twilight started to speak but became increasingly annoyed to discover that Rainbow Dash wasn’t done. “If opposite ponies don’t attract – which they do – what about opposite objects? Like a vase and a pillow?”

Twilight’s eye twitched. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about anymore.”

Rainbow Dash laughed. “Maybe I’m the one taking lessons from Pinkie Pie…so, can it be my turn now?”

“…”

“Come on, Twi! Pretty please!”

“…alright, fine. But don’t expect me to be instantly impressed.”

Rainbow Dash smirked, lifting one eyebrow. “I think you’ll be more than instantly impressed. Come sit by me, Twi, my pal.” She patted the portion of the bed next to her; reluctantly, Twilight took a seat.

“Now, I’ve compiled a list of quotes from each of the Daring Do books,” Rainbow Dash announced. “Those quotes are on the pages that I’ve folded over.”

Twilight levitated her freshly ordered copy of the newest book and, using her magic, flipped open to the page Dash had marked. It was a scene she remembered vividly.

“Daring hooked the ring around her neck and grinned, a devilish smile crossing her face. “Oh, Ahuizotl, you know how much I love you, but I can’t give you the ring until I’ve properly proposed.”

Twilight groaned. “Rainbow Dash! It was just a one liner; Daring is famous for them! It certainly does not mean she and Ahuizotl are in a…relationship!”

Dash took no notice of this and simply pushed the next book towards her. It was book two, and opening it brought Twilight back into a world of memories.

“Ahuizotl laughed, running his long fingers over Daring’s struggling body. “Daring, my darling…it is such a pleasure to finally have you by my side. You do know that has been my dream for quite some time now.”

Daring laughed, but her laugh was forced. “Ha. And I would love nothing more to stay. Unfortunately, my laundry is calling me, and I have to go. Maybe another time?”

Twilight looked incredulously at Rainbow Dash, whose eyes were bright and her hooves held at the ready to burst into clapping. “I still don’t see it. And I don’t want to see it. So you should just give up now.”

The next thing she knew, Rainbow Dash’s hooves were right by her eyes; she blinked repeatedly as Dash mimed setting a pair of goggles on a surprised Twilight. “There you go; got your shipping goggles on nice and tight. Now keep on reading.”

Cheeks burning furiously, she continued to read.

And as she read, something happened.

The one-liners seemed to blur, becoming less of Daring’s normal action-filled phrases and more of a seductive, romantic tone. Ahuizotl seemed less like a villain, more like a suave suitor who simply happened to want to do a lot of really bad things. Less like they were arch enemies.

More like they were madly in love.

Her fillyhood memories had just been shattered into millions of pieces.

It was absolutely impossible.

Twilight lifted a hoof, staring at Rainbow Dash, sputtering slightly. “But…but…you…that…it couldn’t just change…” It couldn’t just change everything…just like that…

Rainbow Dash smirked. “They call it shipping, Twilight,” she trilled triumphantly. “Have fun.”

Author's Note

This was so much fun to write. Oh my goodness.