I should have ruled Ponyville instead!
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m in Canterlot at this very moment!
Apparently, Princess Luna suffered a little bit of a stroke just three days after your last book came out, Mom. She is okay now (it will take more than a simple stroke to get her down, she says), but Celestia has to take care of her. They need to talk about something, and—quoting the Princess here—“clear some little things up.” I don’t know the details, but I’m sure if they are pausing their rule over Equestria for a whole week, a mortal pony’s mind can’t even begin to fathom the extreme importance of what they need to talk about. They even brought Cadance here because they need as many princesses as possible! Surprised, aren’t you?
I’m a little disappointed because they said I couldn’t attend, but I understand that Equestria always needs somepony to rule it, so that responsibility lays upon my shoulders now. That’s a great honor!
I can’t deny I’m pretty nervous about the whole situation, and when I read the letter that explained it to me I almost had a stroke of my own, but Spike helped me see this is no big deal. Yes, I can’t mess up, because the whole kingdom depends on me, but it’s not like the princesses aren’t in the castle too, right? If something goes amiss I can always ask them for help, although I would prefer not to do so.
Anyway, as I said, I’m currently staying at the Royal Castle. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go home as much as I would like to, because I’m pretty busy. However, feel free to visit me whenever you want. I’ll tell the Royal Guards to let you in no matter the hour of the day. I know Mom wants to write till nine o’clock every day lately!
With love,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Cadance,
DARING DO PRINCESS PARTY IN LUNA’S BEDROOM!
We want to read all thirty-two novels of Daring Do in a row and comment on each of them in-depth. Because the last book was just so good we need to celebrate it somehow!
Luna just bought a guitar, so be sure to bring your poems and we’ll try to turn them into songs. Oh my gosh, THIS IS GOING TO BE SO AWESOME!
Twilight is not invited because we only have five bottles of wine, and we want them to last for at least three days.
Are you in? Please say you’re in.
Signed,
Princess Celestia
Dear Aunt Celestia,
HECK YES I’M IN.
DARING DO, HERE I COME.
With love,
Princess Cadance
Dear Daughter,
Your mother and I are so happy to know you’re in Canterlot! We’ll be sure to pay you a visit as soon as possible. But please try not to get too stressed with your new job, and don’t trust the Royal Guards too much. They mean well but are a little naive. Amazingly skilled at building suspense though, I have to admit that. Still, without Shining Armor to lead them, they are as useful as a saddle made of molasses.
Oh, and I think that “writing until nine o’clock” is a little bit of an understatement, Twilight. Your mother has been writing non-stop lately. Apparently, she got struck by inspiration and wants to start a new plot arc that will last at least four books. She managed to write quite a lot in five days. Truth to be told, though, I can’t complain about this. She forgot I was supposed to sleep on the couch for two months.
Anyway, I’ll try to unglue her from the writing chair for a couple minutes so she can go to the castle with me. I can’t promise anything though.
With love,
Dad
P.S.: Your mother gave me what she’s written so you can proofread it. Mind you, she wants it to be perfect.
Dear Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Rarity,
I’m busier than I thought! Being a princess is really stressful sometimes. I'm afraid I won't be able to visit anytime soon.. Sorry!
Signed,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Mom and Dad,
SPIKE HAD BEEN GAGGING FOR NEARLY HALF AN HOUR BEFORE PASSING OUT! WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR MINDS WHEN YOU SENT ME OVER EIGHT HUNDRED PAGES IN ONE GO?!
Look, I’m very glad that Mom was able to write so much in such a short amount of time, but my assistant almost died here! Did you know the letters come from his mouth?! Have you ever tried to barf out an over eight hundred page-long manuscript?! Because let me tell you, SPIKE JUST DID AND APPARENTLY IT IS EXACTLY AS MUCH FUN AS IT SOUNDS!
But unconscious and potentially unable-to-eat-anymore dragons aside, the fact that you sent me over eight hundred pages is amazing on its own. What do you want me to do with this?! I told you I’m busy ruling Equestria now; I literally work until midnight every single day! I can’t proofread this! Maybe if you sent me just one chapter I could work it out somehow, but this is just ridiculous. You’ll have to wait a couple months for this, Mom.
And Dad, you should know better! Spike is very disappointed in you! Or, well, he will be once he wakes up. I’m sending you this with my own magic instead of using Spike’s fire, because otherwise I’m afraid he would tell me to go sit on a cushion made of nails. At least, he would do that if he weren’t unconscious. HE’S UNCONSCIOUS NOW AND IT’S YOUR FAULT!
Don’t do that ever again!
Slightly angry,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Daughter,
Excuse me, did you really say you’re not going to proofread “Daring Do and the Last Sparkle”? Because I think I just read you saying you’re not going to proofread “Daring Do and the Last Sparkle”. I must be seeing things, right?
Because, young lady, you are so going to proofread that book. Other things can wait, this is important.
Now, don’t be silly and start proofreading. I want to make sure every single sentence is as good as it can be. We’re going to make history here, Twilight!
Expecting your eight hundred and thirty three pages proofread by Thursday,
Mom
Dear Mom,
Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure taking care of the whole kingdom is more important than your book. I’m not going to proofread it! I barely have time to sleep and at this rate I’ll need to bring Spike to the hospital, and you want me to work on a sequel when the last book came less than two weeks ago? No way!
Signed,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Daughter,
WHAT WAS THAT RED THING ON YOUR LETTER?!
YOU’D BETTER EXPLAIN YOURSELF NOW AND YOU’D BETTER NOT LIE TO ME OR YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE!
SIGNED,
TWILIGHT VELVET
Dear Twilight,
Is something happening? We’re all here at Canterlot but the Royal Guards won’t let us in! We barely convinced this one particular guard to promise us he would give you this note, so I’m not sure if you’ll receive our message, but know that your friends are all here and we can help you, no matter the problem!
A little bit worried,
Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity
Dear friends,
Nopony can get in and I can’t get out. I accidentally sent my mother a wine-stained letter and now I’m grounded. I also need to proofread eight hundred and thirty three pages by this Thursday, and that means some of Equestria’s government problems are going to be put on hold for a while. I just hope ponies can live without sewers for a couple weeks.
I can’t even use Spike to send letters because he won’t be able to open his mouth for a month. I’m feeding him soup through his nose three times a day. It’s as pleasant as it sounds.
Don’t try to send me another note as the Guards won’t let it pass next time. Mom scares them.
Your good friend,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
Pinkie had to bribe the guard with cupcakes to send this one. What do you mean by “grounded”? Aren’t you one of the most powerful ponies in Equestria right now? Did you do something to get the princesses angry?
Concerned,
Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity
Dear Mom,
Okay, I’ve been proofreading your story nonstop for six days. The lack of sleep is affecting me a little, but I can manage. I’ve been in worse situations.
And things are finally clearing up. Spike can use his mouth again, and he tells me he can send messages with his fire (as long as it’s just one scroll at a time, of course). As I’ve managed to finish proofreading what you sent me, I can concentrate on my actual job again. I can’t say it’s a relief, but at least I know the worst part is over.
Now, if only somepony could, I don’t know, unground the Princess of Magic, I would be so glad. I don’t know if you catch my drift here.
With love,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Daughter,
Spike is okay? Good. This package was too big to send via regular mail. Guess who wrote three hundred more pages?
Waiting for you to send the proofread pages,
Mom
Dear Mom and Dad,
I THOUGHT I WAS CLEAR ENOUGH WHEN I TOLD YOU JUST HOW GREAT SPIKE’S PAIN WAS AFTER YOU SENT SO MANY PAGES AT ONCE THE FIRST TIME!
I SWEAR TO CELESTIA, IF I HAVE TO FEED HIM THROUGH HIS NOSE ANOTHER WEEK BECAUSE OF THIS I’M GOING TO WRITE A ROYAL DECREE TO CHANGE YOUR NAMES TO “GOOFY LEGS” AND “JINGLE DOODLE”!
SIGNED,
TWILIGHT SPARKLE, NOW WITH AN UNCONSCIOUS AND GAGGING DRAGON AS AN ASSISTANT AGAIN.
Dear Twilight,
Okay, so the cupcake thing didn’t work. Pinkie was a little too over-enthusiastic with the whole “paying with cupcakes” business.
But don’t worry, we’re sending this through the Party Cannon. There’s no way this isn’t going to work.
So, what did you mean by “grounded”? Are you in trouble? Do you need our help? We’re here if you need us, Twilight!
Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
I’m sorry to send you a letter like this. I know that sliding a note under a princess’ door is not how a gentlecolt or a Royal Guard should act, but I have no other choice. I want to profusely apologize for how the Royal Guards have been acting since you started your reign, and also to tell you that I’m stepping down as Vice Captain, for my honor tells me it’s the right thing to do.
I now understand that when you and your mother, Mrs. Twilight Velvet, told us that you were being “grounded” you didn’t mean it literally. It was a code. You were trying to warn us, to tell us that you were hiding because you were in danger, but we didn’t listen. Instead, we secretly laughed at you behind your back and called you “Pwincess” to imply that you were a baby and thus couldn’t talk properly and made sure to explain that you’re a ridiculous and possibly stupid pony who still needs to seek her mother’s attention even though she’s technically an adult to absolutely everypony we know, and then to the newspapers (especially the newspapers, really).
Now I see that you couldn’t have been clearer. There’s somepony in Canterlot who wants to kill you, Princess, and he has already finished two of our Guards. You didn’t know because your mother told us you couldn’t get any newspapers (and also we didn’t want you to read the horrible, horrible things the press said about you courtesy of us; I can’t stress enough how sorry I am for this), but we’re currently under attack.
And the enemy is already inside the castle. There’s a traitor among us, and I see now that you already knew that, that’s why you told us you were “grounded”. It’s also the only way anypony could have known that Strong Shield was allergic to nuts, or that Golden Helmet was in that exact spot at that exact hour of the day. Now we’re left without our captain and our top shield spell specialist, leaving our defenses severely compromised.
But don’t worry, for the Royal Guard will not be defeated. We have experts working on the coded letters the Baked Goods Faction sent us, and we’ll be sure nopony enters or leaves your room. There will always be at least three guards in front of your door, and you’ll be “grounded” until the danger goes away. We have our second best guard periodically casting a shield spell that won’t allow anything magical to get in the castle. He’s not as good as Strong Shield, but I’m sure he won’t fail.
Sadly, the maximum security means that you won’t be able to send letters either, unless you use your dragon. The Baked Goods Faction could intercept them.
Signed,
Steel Heart, ex-Vice Captain of the Royal Guard
Dear Royal Guard,
What?
Signed,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
Okay, so the Party Cannon thing didn’t work either, and now the Guards tell us we can’t even get close to the castle, because saving Equestria from certain doom three times is not enough to prove you’re not a villain, apparently.
So this time we’re playing it safely: Rarity is sending you this letter with a spell we found in the Canterlot Library. She’s not really good at any magic that’s not about gems, but she says she can manage.
Seeing as you didn’t get our last two letters, we guess we need to ask you again: what do you mean by “grounded”? Are you okay? Because this situation looks very fishy, and we’re seriously getting worried here. If you don’t answer this we will believe you can’t do that because somepony (we guess it’s the Royal Guards) won’t allow you to do so. And if they’re betraying the princesses there’s no way they’ll get away with it. Rarity knows a guy who knows a guy. We will burn Canterlot down for you if it’s necessary.
Worried and always there for you,
Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity
Dear Miss Twilight’s Mom and Dad,
We believe your daughter is being held hostage by the Royal Guards. Do you know anything about the issue?
Signed,
Your daughter’s friends: Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity
Dear Twilight’s friends,
Well, she can’t get out even though she wants to, if that’s what you mean. Oh, and Spike is in a coma, that too.
Signed,
Mister Miss Twilight’s Mom’s Husband, also known as Mister Twilight’s Dad
Dear Mister Twilight’s Dad,
That’s it. We won’t allow our friend to be in danger, no matter what. We can’t get into the castle by ourselves, but Rarity knows important people and the whole city loves Twilight.
We’re starting a riot.
Signed,
Your daughter’s friends: Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity
Dear Princess Twilight,
The enemy has taken control of the entire city. The explosion managed to knock off half of the Royal Guards, and sadly our armory blew up in the process. We have nothing but our bodies to stop the countless ponies that approach the castle right now, but upon Celestia’s sun, Luna’s moon, and Mi Amore Cadenza’s pheromones we swear that we will protect the castle, even if it costs our lives!
TONIGHT WE’LL FEAST AMONG OUR FALLEN BROTHERS!
Signed,
The Royal Guard
Dear Mom and Dad,
WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?!
THE ROYAL GUARDS JUST TOLD ME THEY HAD BEEN LAUGHING AT ME FOR DAYS AND NEXT THING I KNOW THERE’S A WAR AT THE CASTLE? SPIKE CAN BARELY SEND ANY LETTERS AND NEITHER THE GUARDS NOR THE PRINCESSES WILL ANSWER ME! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
WHAT IN TARTARUS IS GOING ON?!
SIGNED,
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Dear Twilight,
Well, as far as I know, your friends think somepony is going to kill you, so they’re attacking the castle. The city is completely empty. I think your mother and I are the only ones who are not galloping there to break everything down. Does that help?
Love,
Dad
DEAR DAD,
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I HAVE TROUBLE BECAUSE THE GUARDS THINK SOMEPONY WANTS TO KILL ME SO THEY’RE DEFENDING THE CASTLE!
SIGNED,
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Dear Twilight,
Wow. I can’t really tell if that means everypony loves you or hates you, but hey, you’re leaving quite the mark on society, aren’t you?
Love,
Dad
DEAR DAD,
I CAN HEAR THE SOUNDS OF PONIES SCREAMING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY DOOR BUT IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO OPEN IT AND I CAN’T TELEPORT BECAUSE SOME IDIOT CAST SOME ANTI-MAGIC SPELL AND YOU’RE NOT BEING HELPFUL AT ALL!
SIGNED,
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Dear Twilight,
Darling, everypony in there wants nothing but to protect you, so I think you’re mostly safe. You’re overreacting.
Love,
Dad
DEAR DAD,
YOU DO REALIZE THERE’S A SOCIAL REVOLUTION TAKING PLACE RIGHT BEHIND YOUR ONE AND ONLY DAUGHTER’S DOOR?! I SWEAR TO CELESTIA, SOME PONIES ARE YELLING STUFF ABOUT TEARING DOWN THE GOVERNMENT! I THINK RESCUING ME IS NOT EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE ROOTING FOR!
HELP ME, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!
SIGNED,
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Dear Twilight,
Well, after how the Canterlot Sewer Service has been working lately I can’t blame them for wanting to end the government right there and then, if you want me to be honest.
Also, hey, now that you mention the princesses, I wonder what are they doing. One would think that a revolution against their thousand-years-old reign would be an issue important enough for them to get out of Luna’s bedroom.
Anyway, what do you want from me? I see absolutely no way I can help you in this situation. I guess I can tell you to believe in yourself. Have you tried believing in yourself? That usually works.
Love,
Dad
Cadance looked away from the book she was reading for a second. “Hey,” she said, frowning a little. “Did you hear that?”
Luna didn’t look at her. She was too busy trying to play a particular chord with the guitar. “Hear what?”
“I don’t know, it sounded like a lot of ponies yelling or something.” Cadance looked at Celestia. “Should we take a peek outside?”
“Nah.” Celestia grabbed another of Cadance’s poems with her magic. “Hey, Luna, try to sing this one. And somepony bring me some more wine, my glass is empty and my throat is dry!”
DEAR DAD,
OH, YES. “BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.” THAT’S TOTALLY WORKING.
BY THE WAY, I THINK I HEARD AN EXPLOSION A COUPLE METERS AWAY FROM ME AND THE ONLY THING THAT SEPARATES ME FROM IT IS A STUPID WALL AND A PIECE OF WOOD. BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE I’M “BELIEVING IN MYSELF!”
AND WHERE THE HECK IS MOM?! WHY ISN’T SHE SAYING ANYTHING?!
SIGNED,
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Dear Twilight,
Darling, your mother is writing, of course. Something as silly as a revolution is not going to stop her from writing when she’s inspired.
Also, now that I think about it, your brother also had trouble with a riot a couple days ago. I’ll ask him what he did. That counts as helping.
Anyway, try not to get too stressed, or you won’t be able to sleep tonight!
Love,
Dad
Dear Shining Armor,
You told me you had trouble ruling the Crystal Empire by yourself, right? Your sister tried to rule Equestria for a week and now there’s a social revolution and the castle is being attacked. Apparently, neither of you know how to properly rule a kingdom. I don’t know how to feel about it, really.
However, I’m not sending you this letter just to tell you that. What did you do to stop the conflict? Twilight is getting a little too excited and we both know that she never sleeps well when she’s like that.
Answer me as soon as you can!
Love,
Dad
Dear Dad,
Hey, ruling a kingdom is surprisingly difficult! You need to understand that my work as a prince is more or less take care of the Royal Sports Team and look pretty. Cadance is the one who takes care of the paperwork.
Anyway, stopping the riot was pretty easy, truth be told. I didn’t really know what to do, so I just did the same as when I seduced Cadance: I went to the Royal Balcony and danced until the power of Funk eventually solved everything. Those old dazzling moves you taught me worked like a charm.
Anyway, I hope Twilight is okay. I’ll try to visit you as soon as possible!
Signed,
Shining Armor
Dear Twilight,
Well, I’m afraid we can’t really use your brother’s method to deal with the riot. I mean, no offense, but you inherited your mother’s dancing, not mine.
Anyway, maybe you should ask politely if everypony could stop destroying the castle and the monarchy? I’m pretty sure being nice is always the best solution.
Love,
Dad
Dear Dad,
I don’t know how to say this, but the rebels eventually got into the room. They were led by Rainbow Dash, of all ponies, so nopony hurt Twilight, but then a lot of Guards came from the window and, long story short, now the Elements of Harmony and the Royal Guards are all arguing about who has to protect Twilight (every group is pulling from one of your daughter’s hooves, and judging by her looks it’s kind of painful). And the room is on fire. Also, the rest of the riot is destroying the castle and yelling about anarchy and sewers.
So… yeah. I just wanted you to know that, I guess. Also, don’t send so many pages at once ever again. It hurt.
Signed,
Spike
Dear Spike,
Ouch. Sorry for the pages fiasco. Velvet was too concentrated on writing to realize it was a bad idea.
And don’t worry about the riot. I think I have an idea.
Signed,
Dad
Author's Note
Man, this was fun to write. And frustrating. Mostly fun though.
I love how you can clearly see the moment I gave up with the titles because I really suck at naming things. Huzzah for my laziness!
Also, you should have read the Daring DONE! epilogue before this. Just saying!
(And another shout-out to Selbi for listening to my whining the five days I spent writing this. Check his stuff!)
