The Treasure Trove of One-Shots and Story Prompts

Chapters

Left Brain, Right Brain - [comedy]
Who's the Smartest Pony? - [comedy]
The War of Worlds - [Adventure, Human]
My Little Professor - Science is Magic [slice of life, OC]
CDO - [comedy]
Biblioklept - [comedy, slice of life]
E.G.G.P.O.N.Y. - [crossover]
Deathless - [slice of life]
Why so Friendly? - [dark, crossover]
In This One, Batponies are Vampires - [romance, comedy]
The Crooked Pony - [dark, OC]
Praise Discord - [comedy]
A Calculator - [sad, slice of life]
The Not-So Gentle Giant - [comedy]
A Little Unwell - [dark]
Before- [sad, romance]
Discord Writes a Fanfic - [comedy, random]
The Quest for Diamonds - [crossover, adventure]
Alone - [sad, human]
A Completely Unremarkable and Ordinary Story - [slice of life, OC]

Left Brain, Right Brain - [comedy]

Author's Note

Twilight has a problem that she can't solve herself, but the only pony smart enough to help her out is herself.
.
wAiT a SeCoNd
(basically Twilight splits herself into two: Left br- you get the picture)

Left Brain, Right Brain - [comedy]

Chapter 1- The Split

Twilight paced the floor. Her hooves clattered rhythmically as she walked this way and that. Spike sat on a couch, munching on a bowl of popcorn and watching intensely. Twilight's hooves struck the same exact places with every step, and she was slowly but surely wearing a deep rut into the wooden floor. It was actually very entertaining to watch.

But when Spike's popcorn bowl ran dry for the third time, he hopped out of his seat, stepped in front of the pacing Twilight and planted his claws firmly on her front legs. "Okay, okay! I give," he said, grinding Twilight's pace to a halt. "What's on your mind?"

Twilight looked down at Spike for several moments. Then she blinked as if she was just now registering that she wasn't pacing anymore. "Oh, what?" she asked, rubbing her eyes. they felt like they hadn't blinked all day. (Which they hadn't; Spike had been watching).

"I said," Spike said, giving Twilight's legs a shake, "What's on your mind?"

Twilight looked at Spike again and drew in a long, slow breath through her nose. She held it for a moment, and then let it out slowly, like a balloon deflating. Twilight started slumping to the floor as she exhaled, looking more like a deflating balloon. Soon, she was sprawled out on the floor, the last of her breath puttering through her lips.

Spike looked at her, "Um... okay?"

Twilight's hooves flew to her head, and she let out a long groan, "I just can't figure out what to do!"

Spike sat down on the floor next to her, "What about?"

Twilight looked up at him and stuck out her tongue, "Thbbbph." she said, giving him a raspberry.

"Is that so?" Spike asked flatly.

Twilight rolled over, letting out another groan, "Uuueeeuueeueueueueueueueeeeeehhhhh hh."

Spike grew quickly tired of Twilight's groaning. "Well, what's so complicated about it?" he asked, clamping his claws over his ears.

Twilight threw her hooves in the air in defeat, saying, "My brain won't decide! It's telling me to do two different things, but I can't do both!" She whipped her hooves around and whined loudly, "They're mUtuAllY exclUsIIIvvve!"

"Two different things..." Spike repeated to himself. He hopped up to his feet and walked over to the couch. He knelt down and pulled something out from under it. "This magazine says that when you're brain can't decide, it's because your Left brain and your Right brain aren't agreeing," he said, flipping to the article and showing it to Twilight.

Twilight took the magazine and skimmed the article, creatively titled, "I CAN'T DECIDE: The Secret War Between your Left Brain and your Right Brain."

She flipped through the pages and looked at the front cover, recoiling in disgust, "This is a tabloid! Spike!"

"I just read it for the articles!" Spike objected, snatching the magazine back, "Besides, this article says Equestria is gonna be flooded within the next year, so I've been stocking up on ice cream! You should be proud of me!"

Twilight put her hooves over her eyes and let out another groan, rolling back over and flailing her limbs indecisively.

Spike rolled his eyes and walked to the kitchen, stopping at the portal to the kitchen and saying, "I'm getting some more ice cream, do you want any?"

"hh hhhh"

Spike rolled his eyes and left the room.

Twilight flopped to once side, her eyes looking at nothing in particular and her snout scrunching up as she muttered to herself, "Left brain and Right brain..."

Spike walked back into the main room some time later, with a rather large bowl of ice cream. This time, the room was littered with large pieces of paper, covered in various schematics and sketches. Several books lay strewn about, opened haphazardly, and several more floated around Twilight's head as she scribbled notes frantically on another scrap.

"Twilight...?" Spike asked carefully, stunned by the suddenness of her change.

Twilight turned around with a big smile on her face, "You were right, Spike! My Left brain and Right brain are in disagreement! That's the key to my problem!"

"Glad I could help?" Spike said carefully, dodging books zipping this way and that and protecting his ice cream.

"You sure did, Spike!" Twilight said, dashing over and giving him a nuzzle, "Because now I know what to do!" she said triumphantly, returning to her books.

Spike carefully stepped closer, "and that is...?"

Twilight turned around eagerly, "I'm gonna split my brain apart and ask me what's wrong!"

"Wat," Spike asked.

Twilight gasped suddenly and all the books orbiting her workspace dropped, "I found it! The spell I was looking for!" Her face was beaming as she powered up her horn.

"Uh Twilight, maybe we should think about this first-"

Spike was cut off as a bright flash of light filled the room, and Twilight's body was engulfed in a magical sphere. The sphere rose off the ground as winds whipped around it, scattering her papers. Suddenly, the sphere elongated, turning more into an ellipsoid. It widened more and more until the middle of the ellipsoid caved in, and two equally sized spheres split off.

And with a high pitched magical Shhhinggg! the spheres dissolved, leaving behind two exact copies of Twilight.

"Uhh, Twilight?" Spike asked.

Two identical heads turned towards Spike.

Chills ran up Spike's back as he was reminded of every scary movie with clones in it he had ever seen. "W-w-what just happened??"

"I believe I can answer that," said one of the Twilight's, magically floating over her reading glasses and tying her hair up. "I successfully split my neurological functions into two distinct entities; the left hemisphere of my brain occupies one, and my right hemisphere is in the other. I can now communicate effectively and efficiently about my dilemma, with myself."

Spike looked at the Twilight clone, confusion painted over his face.

The other Twilight stepped in, kneeling down next to Spike and rubbing his head, "Can't you see he doesn't understand?" she said to the other Twilight.

She shrugged, "Nothing I said was false."

The other Twilight rolled her eyes and smiled at Spike, "It's just like you said, Spike!" she explained, "My Left brain and Right brain were at war, so I split them apart!"

"Ohh," Spike said, nodding slowly. The other Twilight rolled her eyes. "Ssoo, you're...?" Spike said, pointing at her.

"I am the Left Brain," Twilight said, "I am logical, precise, efficient."

"And no fun," the other Twilight added.

"And you're...?" Spike asked, pointing at the other.

"I'm the Right Brain!" Twilight said, "I'm emotional, spontaneous, creative!"

"And an idiot," the Left brain added.

Right brain stuck her tongue out at her.

Spike put his claws on his head. Now it was his turn to groan, "I never understand anything you do, Twilight," he said, "Neither of you."

"It's okay, Spike!" Right said, giving Spike a big hug, "I'm still Twilight! Just half of her. The friendly half!"

"And I'm the smart half," said Left.

Spike pushed away from Right, "Alright, whatever," he conceded, "So long as you figure out your problem and stop groaning about it, I'm okay with that."

Right smiled, "Okay, Spike. Yeah, I'll...figure out...my problem..." she looked slowly at Left, and they realized something at the same time.

Right dashed for the door, but Left got there first, blocking her exit. Right pushed at her, "Let me go!" she demanded, "Let me through!"

"We split ourselves to talk!" Left argued, not letting her pass, "Not dash out on a whim!"

"But I need to go!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"What are you talking about??" Spike yelled, confused out of his mind.

Left and Right looked at Spike, then at each other, then back to Spike and said in unison, "When you're older."

Spike threw his hands up and walked out of the room backwards, shaking his head in disapproval of whatever craziness Twilight was up to. He walked out of the room, stepping back in to grab his ice cream, and then walking back out.

The Twilight's turned back to each other and continued struggling at the door.

Chapter 2- The Schism

Spike jumped down the stairs to find Left brain and Right brain sitting quietly in the living room, in silence. Right brain was drawing a picture on the floor, while Left brain was on the couch, reading a book.

Spike stopped walking, conscious of the silence he was breaking. "Uh...Twilight?"

Left and Right looked up at him. "What's up, Spike?" Right asked.

Spike hesitated, still creeped out by having two Twilight's around. "Uh, it's real quiet down here."

Left nodded, returning to her book, "So it is. Very observant of you, Spike."

Spike stood there awkwardly, sensing not all was as it seemed. "...Soo, did you figure out your problem?"

"Why don't you ask Left brain?" Right brain suggested, angrily continuing her drawing (which Spike could now see was a picture of Princess Celestia in a compromising position). "She knows everything," Right espoused sardonically.

"Why don't you ask Right brain, Spike?" Left retorted, setting down her book, "You'll understand her better; she's simple."

Right jumped to her hooves, her shoulders bunched up and her muzzle scrunched up, "Spike, why don't you ask Left brain why she's being a tOtal JErkFAce!"

Left slammed her book down, "Spike, why don't you ask Right brain why she's being a complete idiot!"

"Alright!" Spike yelled, clamping his claws over his ears, "Would both of you just shut up?"

Begrudgingly, Left and Right settled back down, ignoring each other and giving each other dirty looks.

Spike sighed, "Twilight, why don't you just reverse the spell? You can figure out your problem some other way!" He begged, "Plus, we have things we actually have to do today," he said, pulling out a thick checklist scroll and waving it around.

"We can't join back together, Spike," Left brain explained, "Not until we're in agreement on our issue."

"That's how the spell works," Right nodded, the two finally agreeing on something.

Spike tossed his claws out in a shrug, "So, what? You're just gonna stay like this until you can agree with yourself?"

Left and Right brain nodded in unison.

Spike sighed loudly, "Then you two can get to work on this list!" he said, tossing the scroll to Right brain. "I'm going back upstairs to eat more ice cream." and he hopped back up the stairs.

Right brain unrolled the scroll, skimming over the long list of items. She whistled, "You've certainly got a lot of stuff to do today."

Left brain hopped off the couch, snatching the scroll with her magic, "You mean, we do," she corrected, ripping the scroll in half at the middle, "Here, you take half the items, and I'll take the other half. That way, we can be done sooner."

Right brain took her half of the scroll and rolled it back up, "We'll work twice as hard so we can be done in half the time!" she cheered.

"We're already going to be done in half the time," Left corrected, "Since there's two of us. If we both work twice as hard, then we'll be done in a fourth of the time."

Right looked at her with a weary, half lidded gaze. She stuck her tongue out and said, "Thbbpht," and skipped to the door, opening it with her magic.

Left slammed it back shut, "And I trust," she said threateningly, "That you won't do anything about our little problem while I'm away from you, correct?"

Right rolled her eyes with a giggle, "Wouldn't you have already guessed if I was planning anything like that, Mrs. Know-It-All?" and she spun on her hoof, opened the door, and walked out.

Left brain let out a skeptical sigh and followed her.

Right skipped merrily down the pathway, rolling up her half of the list and tucking it away. She passed Pinkie Pie, who was picking flowers for something that only Pinkie Pie could understand. "Hello, Pinkie Pie!" she called out warmly as she passed.

Pinkie Pie waved back enthusiastically, "Hello, Twilight!"

Left brain stepped down the path, walking in a straight line, with an air of sophistication about her. She passed Pinkie Pie, and called out objectively, "Hello, Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie Pie waved back enthusiastically, "Hello, Twilight!"

She went back to picking flowers.

Then stopped and looked over her shoulder where Twilight had gone.

Then turned back, shrugged, and continued picking flowers.

Right brain skipped merrily through town, enjoying the sun on her skin, the singing of the birds, and the beautiful colors of the plants she passed. She could already smell the bakery from this distance, and it made her crave a nice warm pastry, with sugary glaze. Her mouth started watering at the thought of it!

It was great to be Right brain; the world was so beautiful!

She quickly scanned over her list, hoping to find an item that would provide an excuse to visit the Cake's Cake Shop. Sadly, she didn't find anything. Dejected, but not depressed, she picked another item at random, feeling her stomach start to rumble.

The item she chose brought her to Rarity's boutique, tantalizingly close to the Cake shop. She could smell the freshly backed goods, see them steaming on the cheery pink windowsill, but she turned her nose away, trying to focus on her list of chores. She was determined to finish before Left brain, who would have held it over her head if she got sidetracked.

But it smelled so good...

Right brain shrugged, "What the hay!" and hopped to the bakery.

One indulgence later, Right was licking vanilla frosting from her lips as she walked through the doors of Rarity's boutique. She heard the pretty tinkling of the little golden bell above the door, and saw Rarity struggling with a rather large piece of fabric that she had tangled herself up in.

Spontaneously, Right brain hopped over and helped Rarity untangle herself from the fabric. She tossed the cloth aside with a heave, and fell into Right, panting. "Thank you, Twilight," she thanked, "I was just trying to toss out this horridly colored fabric, and it attacked me!"

Right brain was empathetic of Rarity's struggle, and gave her a big hug, "It's okay! You're out now, right?" She asked cheerfully. Then she used her magic to levitate the fabric over into a bin colorfully labeled, "Horrid Fabric".

Rarity watched the fabric haphazardly float into the bin and nodded smugly, "Thank you, dear!" she gushed, squeezing Right brain.

Right brain smiled, "That's what friends are for!" She unfurled her list and searched for the item she had chosen at random. "I'm here to...help you with your new dress!"

Rarity fell away from Right, "Oh, thank you again, Twilight!" she repeated, "The order is due to be shipped tomorrow! And I really must model it on a flesh-and-blood pony, rather than these static things," she explained, gesturing airily to a set of smooth, shiny mannequins.

"No problem, Rarity!" Right said, hopping up on a central stand in the room, "I'm here to help!"

Rarity nodded and rushed to her desk, pulling out all her necessary materials. Soon, Right was draped in dark blue fabric, held in place by a series of cold pins as Rarity snugly sewed the pieces together.

"While you're here, Twilight," Rarity said suddenly, sticking her tongue out in concentration on her sewing, "Would you help me with my vest order too? We were going to do it later today, but I have all my pieces here, now."

Right brain looked over her chores list, "mmm, that's not on my list," she said, clicking her tongue, "It must be on Left brain's list!"

Rarity looked up at her, "...So is that a 'yes'?"

"She'll-" Right said, stopping herself short, "I mean, I'll be back in a little while to help with that!"

Rarity returned to her sewing, "Alright, Twilight, I understand."

Right sensed that that wasn't the answer she had been hoping for, but if Right brain did anything aside from what was on her list, then Left brain would have a field day! She tried to take Rarity's mind off of it with a question that had been plaguing herself, "Hey, Rarity, you're a real romantic, right?"

Rarity beamed, "And proud!" she gushed, tossing her mane back stylishly. "What of it, dear?"

Right brain awkwardly rubbed her back legs together, "W-well, I've got a feeling...-" she bit her tongue, feeling her face turn red.

Rarity saw through her embarrassment immediately, "Twilight! You like somepony!"

"I do not!" Right brain objected spontaneously, her eyes darting back and forth.

Rarity giggled to herself, "Okay, Twilight. You don't like anypony-"

"I like everypony!" Right brain objected again.

"Well, you don't like anypony," Rarity clarified, "But...let's say, hypothetically, you did," she said, eagerly shimmying on her stool, "What would you need from me?"

"Advice!" Right gushed, "I just wanna be with-!" she stopped herself, "I mean...hypothetically."

Rarity smiled, letting out a happy squeak to be giving relationship advice, "Well then, what's the problem?"

Right hesitated, "I don't know if they like me back, you know, that way," she said, "So Left br- I mean, I won't let myself try."

Rarity smiled wider, very familiar with this kind of struggle. "Twilight, I'll tell you the same thing I tell everypony who comes to me with this problem." she scooched her stool over to face Right brain and said, "Follow your heart. If your heart wants to be with them, then you should try!"

Right brain put her hooves on Rarity's face, beaming, "That's what I'm saying-ow!" she said, cut off as she felt one of the pins stick into her leg.

"Sorry, dear," Rarity said, batting the pin away, "You must hold still."

Some time later, the dress was finished and Right brain was at the door, waving to Rarity, "Lef- I'll be back in a little bit to help with your dress!" she promised, and hopped out the door, skipping merrily back to the Cake shop.

Left brain stepped down the dirt path, observing the activity around her and admiring it's hidden complexity. She passed by a bee pollinating a flower and thought about how the bee had all the proper organs and the proper capabilities that allowed it to take pollen and nectar from a flower and turn it into honey. it was something ponies had yet to learn how to control; a mystery, one that must be solved.

As one part of her mind whirled away on designs for a magical honey making machine that replicated the bee's hive, another part was focused on the universe around her, conceptualizing it as infinitely many rays of information being transmitted to her nervous system from some abstract, universal potentiality, and wondered if she would be able to tell the difference with a virtual simulation, if it was sufficiently detailed. She wondered if her own reality was a simulation, and if so, of what? Was there some higher reality that was more real than her own? As a shadow is less real than the object it portrays, so too is reality a shadow of some higher existence?

Yes, it was advantageous to be Left brain; the universe was an endless mystery, begging to be solved.

She stored away her honey making idea and her higher reality conclusion and turned her perception towards her list of chores. She had torn the scroll in the middle, and given the top half to Right brain, so now her list had a jagged tear across the top of the first item. The item was still legible, so to complain any further would be frivolous. She would perform every task on the list in order, efficiently and effectively, and be done far before Right brain would be, who was probably making a pastry stop. She could smell it from where she was, and the fact was that it smelled pleasing. Right brain's spontaneous, unstable nature would be swayed instantly.

The first item on the list was to help Rarity with a vest she was designing, so she made her way to the boutique. She observed everything that was transpiring in the town commons as she travelled, and stored it away to analyze later.

When she reached the boutique, she opened the doors, noting that the small bell above the door rang out an F#.

Rarity had her face buried in a basket of clothes, so she jumped up at the sound of the bell with a sock hanging off her horn. "Twilight!" she greeted, "Back so soon?"

Left brain concluded that Right brain had already been here. She was going to have to pick up her pace if she was to finish before Rigt brain. Left brain stepped through the doorway, saying, "The next item on my list it to help you with your vest.

Rarity pointed at the list, "But you said that was on your other list."

"I'm here now," Left brain observed, hopping atop the modeling stand, "Let's get started; I have many more chores to finish."

"Um, alright," Rarity nodded, walking to her desk and pulling out her things, eyeing Left brain curiously.

Left brain subtly observed her. If Right brain had already been here, then her more sophisticated demeanor must be perceived as sudden. To alleviate any suspicions, Left brain managed a smile at Rarity.

She seemed to settle a bit and smiled back, fishing out the rest of her materials and floating them over to her workspace. She used her magic to drape an unfinished vest over Left brain's shoulders. Left stood still, patiently waiting for Rarity to begin working in silence. Talking would be an unnecessary distraction, and Left's goal was to finish the task, not to socialize. It would be inefficient to do otherwise.

So she let Rarity work in silence, aware of some sort of palpable awkwardness, but certain that it was superfluous, and ignored it.

She let her mind wander, observing Rarity and her work. An idea struck her, and she had already elaborated it fully before she cleared her throat and said, "Rarity,"

Rarity appeared surprised at her sudden strong tone, "Yes, dear?"

"You are very experienced in relationships, correct?" Left brain asked.

Rarity smiled knowingly, "I should say so," she said, squaring her shoulders and mimicking Left's professional tone.

Left brain hesitated before continuing, "Hypothetically speaking, how could one be certain that another pony had romantic intentions for one?" she inquired, selecting her words carefully.

Rarity giggled, "Darling, I already told you, follow your heart!" she said, playfully knocking Left's leg.

'Already told you'? Had Right brain already asked about their 'problem'? She entertained this thought in the back of her mind while attempting to chuckle lightheartedly, "Yes, of course," she went along with it, "But...it would be logical to be completely certain if romance would be reciprocated before attempting to inquire about such romance, correct?"

"Yes..." Rarity answered carefully, looking at Left curiously, "I suppose so..."

Left brain nodded, pleased that her conclusions were being shared, "So, how could you be completely certain that another pony...liked you?" she asked. She found her usage of the colloquial term unpleasant, but effective.

Rarity nodded her head side to side, thinking, "Well, I would have to know who the special somepony was to make a logical guess,"

Left waited patiently for her to continue, until looking down and seeing Rarity look back up at her expectantly. She started, realizing the implied inquiry. "I-I-..." she stammered.

Rarity giggled, "It's okay, Twilight," she assured, "In your own time," she said, giving Left's leg a comforting pat.

Left brain nodded, feeling very uneager in sharing Left and Right brain's one in particular pony.

Rarity continued working on the vest, taking a different logical route, "However, if I wanted to know if another pony had romantic intetions, I would observe them, and see if they acted differently around me than other ponies. More interested, more flustered, happier. Things like that that show the true character of a pony."

Left brain nodded, "That's very logical," she observed, and though she didn't want to admit it, it was very helpful.

"Anything to help a friend!" Rarity gushed, then began chuckling to herself, "Though it doesn't always work! This one time, at band camp..."

Left brain sat through Rarity's entire anecdote. She finished the vest long before her story was finished, but Left brain couldn't find an excuse to leave without being suspicious.

When Rarity had finally finished, Left brain quickly hopped out, bidding Rarity a fleeting farewell and stepping out the door. She returned to her checklist, thinking about life, the universe, and everything. She thought about Right brain, and about Rarity's advice, and about her one in particular pony.

And, quite aggravatingly so, Left brain did not know what to do.

(That's all there is for this story. Hope you liked it!
I kinda wanted each chapter to be a different synonym for Split: ie, the Schism, the Fault, the Gap, the Break, the Chasm, the Divide, etc.)

Who's the Smartest Pony? - [comedy]

Author's Note

Twilight, in lieu of one of her many mad experiments, has need for a great quantity of apples.
And where else to get the best apples in Ponyville than from her own dear friend at Sweet Apple Acres?
But, in pursuit of one thing, Twilight may find herself stumbling across something all the more sweet.

Who's the Smartest Pony? - [comedy]

Twilight skipped merrily through town, her mane and tail a tattered, singed mess. She flicked a dying ember off her head and made her way down the Ponyville thoroughfare, humming to herself.

Passing market stalls on both sides calling out their goods, she hopped her way to the one stall owned and operated by her dear friend. "Hello, Applejack!" she called.

Applejack turned and stepped back a pace or two at the sight of her, "Land sakes," she exclaimed, "What have y' gott'n yerself into now, sugarcube?"

"Hmm?" Twilight asked. "Oh, this," she giggled flicking absentmindedly at her scorched mane, "Just another experiment. Or ten."

"...ri-ight," Applejack responded with a touch of concern, "Can ah help ya?"

"Actually, yes! You can," Twilight said, suddenly putting her hooves on the stall with a scary twinkle in her eye. "I need apples. All the apples you have."

Applejack gulped, fearing for the strange fate that awaited her apples, "W-well, we got some bushels back there," she suggested, pointing behind her at her brother Big Mac, who was busy unloading bushel after bushel from a cart behind the stall and setting them up on displays.

"No, I don't think you heard me," Twilight said with a maniacal smile, "I think you heard me say, 'give me a lot of apples', but what I said was, 'give me all of the apples you have'. Okay?" she giggled.

Applejack looked Twilight in the eyes for a moment, and she stared back, smiling without a care in the world. Applejack blinked, deciding then and there not to ask anymore questions. "Well," she started, "We brought over 'bout twenty three baskets, 'n each basket holds 'round thirty two apples..." she turned around and called over her shoulder, "Hey, Big Mac! What's thirty two apples in twenty three baskets?"

"Oh well that's easy to find," Twilight said, "It's just a multiplication problem: thirty two times twenty three, which-"

"Seven hundred 'n thirty six," Big Mac said matter-of-factly, not stopping his work.

Twilight's jaw dropped.

"Thanks, Big Mac!" Applejack called, turning back to Twilight, "Seven 'n thirty six apples in all. Will that be enough?"

"That was amazing!" Twilight gushed, leaping on top of the table to gawk at Big Mac, "How did you do that in your head so fast? I couldn't even do it that fast!"

Big Mac stopped, wearing a look of confusion, "ah j's...did, ah guess," he said, working at a more subdued pace."

"Big Mac's always been able to do that, didn't y' know?" Applejack asked, slowly taking Twilight's hooves off her stall, "He's almost like a regular genius. So will that be enough apples?"

"Hold on, Applejack," Twilight said, stepping around the stall and not taking her eyes off Big Mac, "This is much more important, and definitely more interesting."

She made her way slowly over to Big Mac, who watched her out of the corner of his eye as he unloaded the last of the bushels of apples. She pulled a scroll and quill out of her pocket and began scrawling on it, "Big Mac," she said, "what's 347 times 26?"

Big Mac halted midstep, still holding a basket inches off the ground as his eyes went out into space. He returned a second later and said, "Nine thousand 'n twenty two," and put the basket down.

Twilight dropped her scroll, covered in mathematical scribbles that somehow arrived at the same answer. "That's incredible!" She squealed, hopping for delight, "Big Mac, you're a genius!"

"No ah ain't," Big Mac rebutted.

Twilight ignored him and spun on her hoof, casting an accusatory stare at Applejack, "Why did you never tell me about this?" she shouted, "This is amazing! I can't believe I've finally found another genius in this rinky-dink farming town!"

"Pardon?" Applejack said, ears swiveling forward and eyebrow raising.

Twilight noticed her choice of words too late and smiled nervously, "I-I mean, heh," she spun around to face Big Mac again and took his foreleg in her hoof, "You're coming with me! I'm going to run some tests! Possibly dangerous tests, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make!" She continued to drag Big Mac further and further away.

Big Mac looked down at the disheveled mare dragging at his leg. They hadn't moved an inch. Twilight's hooves skidded against the ground as she tried to move Mac by force. He looked up at Applejack questioningly.

Applejack looked back, saw that all the apple baskets had been unloaded, and shrugged, gesturing that he could go.

Big Mac sighed and began walking. Twilight then realized that her efforts to move Big Mac had been thus far fruitless, and followed him sheepishly.

(The end, hope you liked it!)

The War of Worlds - [Adventure, Human]

Author's Note

You may have noticed that the gender ratio in Ponyville is slightly skewed. Like, five in every six ponies is a mare, skewed. But, it's not just Ponyville, it's all of Equestria. No one knew for sure why, if they ever even thought about that sort of thing; most simply assumed that's just how things turned out.
But, you see, all the stallions are off fighting a war. Not just any war, either.
And as a brand-spanking-new princess and protégé of the magic of friendship, it is now Twilight's responsibility to extend that friendship to a prisoner of war, in the hopes of peace.

(I wrote this one just after the start of season 4)

The War of Worlds - [Adventure, Human]

A prim and properly dressed new princess of Equestria stepped through the large, ornate doors of the throne room. "I'm here, Princess!" she called, struggling in her metal horseshoes. She hated dressing "royally" as the "royal fashion consultants" put it. Why not just make the prisoners in the dungeons wear this? Torture would be more merciful than being gussied up like this. "You sent for me, right?" she confirmed, struggling to take normal steps in the uncomfortably stiff shoes.

Princess Celestia, seated high up on her throne, put down the scroll she had been reading and stepped down onto the throne room floor. "Yes, thank you for coming on such short notice, Twilight," she said gratefully, gesturing towards the guards. They nodded, bowed, and backed out of the throne room, closing the doors behind them.

Twilight immediately shed her royal garments, tossing a rather creepily smiling cane to the side, "Oh, thank Celestia!" she said without thinking, then immediately blushed when she remembered whose company she was in, "er-I-I mean-"

"It's alright, Twilight," Celestia said with a smile, "I hate those royal garments too," and she kicked off her shoes with a chuckle.

Twilight was surprised; it wasn't like the princess to be so informal. Then again, since she was technically a princess too, maybe they were on more equal hoofing now. Being almost equals with Celestia was going to take some getting used to. "So what did you need, Princess? You weren't exactly clear in your letter," she said, pulling out the letter in question.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle, it read, I request that you come to Canterlot castle for audience with me as soon as possible. This is one of your new duties as a princess. Yours truly, Princess Celestia

"I know," Celestia conceded, "But this is a very secretive duty; I can only tell you face to face." she walked over to the ornate stained glass windows and closed them, drawing back the thick curtains with her teeth, then the rest of them with her magic. When she was absolutely sure nopony could possibly see into the room, she walked back over to Twilight and leaned in close, "Have you ever noticed that the gender ratios in Equestria are...skewed?" she asked seriously.

"What do you mean?" Twilight asked.

"I mean," Celestia clarified, "Five out of every six ponies is a mare!" she whispered.

Twilight rose her brow questioningly, though now that it was brought to her attention, she could actually pull up examples. She'd never thought about it before, but the strikingly few amount of stallions in Ponyville was actually quite odd, "Huh," she said, "I guess I never thought about that."

"But that's not all," Celestia continued, "Remember when I sent you to Earth to fetch the crown back?" Twilight nodded, "I had another reason for sending you, specifically. I wanted you to see the world the way it was, before..." she trailed off.

"Before what?"

Celestia looked into Twilight's eyes, "Twilight, my student, we're fighting a war. Against the humans."

Twilight almost thought Celestia was joking. Humans were no threat-at least, the humans she had seen. Certainly not enough of a threat for a full scale war. But the look in Celestia's eyes was anything but joking; she was serious. "What do you mean, a war?" she asked, "That's not possible!"

"It is possible," Celestia reprimanded, "Two thirds of all stallions in Equestria are fighting right now, even more are dead. This is a war of worlds, Twilight, and the humans started it."

"No, no, that can't be possible! How come I never knew about this?" Twilight demanded.

"Nopony knows," Celestia said, "Everypony who does is sworn to secrecy. If the masses knew we were fighting a race of highly advanced aliens bent on conquering our planet, do you know what sort of riots would break out?"

"Conquering our planet?" Twilight repeated incredulously.

Celestia nodded somberly, "But, the war will end. Soon." she stood and walked towards the doors.

Twilight scrambled to her hooves and followed the princess, "What do you mean? How?"

Princess Celestia looked down at her student and smiled, "You'll end it, my pupil."

Discord sat across from the strange creature from another world. He knew all about the war, probably more so than the princesses knew. Warzones were the sepulchers of chaos, and thusly, the playthings of disharmony. Discord could even be denounced as the purveyor of war, but he would do no such thing, he would merely enjoy the natural chaos of ponies fighting other ponies.

And it was quite enjoyable, but this, this was his favorite part of war. He sat across from the prisoner, legs up on the table, hands folded across his chest, smirking. A strange, foreign creature in a strange, foreign land, gah! the potential for chaos was palpable!

But, as he heard the faint clicking of hooves on stone far off in the corridors of the castle, he ought to get started on planting the seeds of chaos. And all chaos starts with a doubt.

For the first time in the-oh, how long had it been-half an hour of sitting across from the prisoner in silence, he moved. He lifted his lion's paw and opened it, revealing a small, glass container. He put it on the table and allowed the prisoner to look at it.

He tilted his head this way and that, looking into the container. Inside was a small, brown insect. Finally, he shrugged, "What is it?"

"It's a cricket," said Discord, and nothing more. The prisoner's eyes wandered back to the small cricket, hopping madly in futility to escape the prison of the container.

"Did you know," Discord said, "If all crickets were to...disappear," he snapped his claw, "just like that, off of your precious 'Planet Earth'...within fifty years, all life would vanish."

The prisoner looked from Discord, to the cricket, and back again.

"Did you also know," Discord added, "If all humans were to disappear," he snapped his claw again, "just like that...within fifty years, all life would flourish."

The prisoner, the human, looked back at the cricket, a strange new light in his eyes. Discord recognized it, and he smirked. It was doubt.

The doors opened wide behind him, and Celestia's voice rang out into the small room, "Discord! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, nothing much," Discord said, stretching nonchalantly, "Just playing a bit of good-cop-bad-cop, just a bit of fun."

"Leave," Celestia demanded, gesturing to the door for emphasis.

"Oh, 'Tia, you really are a bore," Discord teased, but he stood nevertheless, casually strolling out of the interrogation room.

Celestia closed the door heavily, narrowly missing the purple princess that had walked in behind her, "Shouldn't even know this room exists," she muttered, then turned to the prisoner, "Prisoner, what is your name?"

Twilight eyed the 'prisoner'. It was obviously a human, wearing a thin camouflage coat over a white shirt, and camouflage pants. His hands were cuffed to a bar in the table in front of him. He looked up at Celestia with a steely gaze, and responded tautly, "Edgar."

"Edgar," Celestia greeted, then put a hoof on Twilight's shoulders, "This is Princess Twilight Sparkle. She represents ponykind, and extends a gesture of peace to you and your kind."

"I do?"

My Little Professor - Science is Magic [slice of life, OC]

Author's Note

There's a new pony in town, and he's not exactly...normal. See, he calls himself a Scientist, but that's absurd, right? Science isn't real, it can't be! Not when there's magic around, right?
Nevertheless, Twilight Sparkle is about to discover that maybe, just maybe, there's more to science than a few myths of normal ponies doing abnormal things, without magic.

(this is an old, old, old one. yeesh. like, among the firsts. *shudder*)

My Little Professor - Science is Magic [slice of life, OC]

Twilight gratefully took a seat, sighing as she was finally able to get off her hooves, at least for lunch. Her day had been absolutely chaotic! It was a wonder Discord wasn't involved. Firstly she had to help Fluttershy find one of her lost animals, which quickly descended into a dangerous trek through the Everfree Forest. They found the animal, thankfully, but that was just the start of it. Next she volunteered to help with a bit of barn raising over at Applejack's, which, frankly, is a trifle more difficult than it seems. Barely standing by now, she then had to help Rainbow Dash practice for some upcoming race (which she couldn't really care less about) by timing her over and over and over as she flew a perilous course over and over. But finally, finally, she got a brief respite; settling down into her seat at the Cake's cake shop, overlooking the town commons, where market ponies hawked their goods and unmistakably low prices, she gazed over her lunch menu, finally settling on a rather familiar, but satisfyingly filling, lunch of Grass Sandwich with Cheese and a side of Oats.

She ordered her lunch from Mr. Cake, who was stretched thin and scatter-brained as usual, and then gently massaged her aching hooves, looking out at the town commons for entertainment.

Suddenly, something caught her eye, a stranger at the very back of the commons, having a heated debate with some market pony over an apple. He must have been new in town; she knew everypony, and she could definitely say she hadn't seen anything like him before. It was a stallion earth pony. He was wearing a long, white coat, almost like a lab coat, which covered nearly his entire body, with the sleeves rolled up. He had cyan fur, and a long, rather unruly auburn mane, which covered most of his face and head, and was in desperate need of a trim. He had a very wide chin, which made his head appear very blocky, and he was also wearing circular rimmed glasses over turtle green eyes. But what made him stand out the most was the fact that he was wearing a comically large pair of saddlebags, stuffed nearly with everything but the kitchen sink. He looked like some crazy hiker, or travelling camper who was definitely out of place in the middle of a crowded market. But she was drawn back to his eyes once more; they gleamed like a mischievous colt's in a candy shop.

Finally, with one final huff, he turned and walked away from the market pony, the apple left forgotten on the stand.
Twilight, being the friendly pony that she was, waved the stranger over and invited him to sit, thinking that it was her responsibility to befriend him, seeing how she was supposed to be studying friendship, after all.

The pony noticed her waving, nodded in acknowledgement, and trekked over, seemingly unhindered by the massive bags over his back. He walked up to her table, swinging the bags off effortlessly and setting them down. he arched his back, stretched his legs each in turn, and then sat down across from Twilight, flashing a wide smile. Now that he was closer, she could see the thick auburn stubble growing across his chin, as if he hadn't shaved in a week or two. "Thank you for the seat, my bags were killing me," He said gratefully. He had a thick, north-countree accent.

"It was no problem at all," Twilight responded, returning the smile, "Are you new here in town?"

"Yes, actually," The pony explained, "I was travelling through that dreadful forest over there-you know the one?" Twilight nodded; he must have been talking about the Everfree. He continued, "Well I noticed this settlement here; I hadn't known it was here previously, so I stopped to get some supplies and such. I'm Kramer, by the way," He introduced, reaching out a hoof to shake.

Twilight shook his hoof. The name Kramer suited him well, with his odd dress and his mischievous eyes. "I'm Twilight Sparkle," She introduced herself, "Welcome to Ponyville!"

"Well thank you, Twilight Sparkle," Kramer said, letting go of her hoof, "So what do you do here in town?"

"Well, I'm the Librarian," She said, immediately filling with pride at her majestic library, "I've got book from all around the world!"

"Really?" Kramer confirmed, a twinkle in his eye, "I might just have to check it out."

Twilight assumed he would, he appeared like the intellectual type, "So what do you do? I'm just guessing you travel a lot, is that your talent?" She was referring to what his cutie mark was, thinking it was a backpack, or a map, or something.

"Well, I'm a Scientist," He said, smiling at his title.

Twilight said nothing for a moment. Then a smile spread across her face and she began to laugh, quickly building up from a giggle to a chortle, "You're good at that!" She remarked, "I almost thought you were serious for a second!"

Kramer's brow furrowed in confusion, "What do you mean?"

Twilight stopped laughing, "...Y-you mean you're serious?" She asked, shocked.

"Of course I am!" Kramer nodded.

Twilight smiled again, thinking he was pulling her chain, "Shut up," She said, thinking he was joking.

"It's true!" Kramer insisted, "Look!" He got up, turned slightly and pulled up the bottom of his coat, showing her his Cutie Mark. It was a small white dot, surrounded by black ellipses, each with a smaller white dot on it.

Twilight looked at the mark in confusion. He was serious, "But...why?" Twilight asked, completely at a loss, "You seem to be a smart pony, why study science?"

"Well why not?" Kramer asked, sitting back down.

Twilight giggled once more, this time sure that he was joking, "Well science isn't real!"

Kramer just looked at her. He looked down, "Right then," He picked up his bags and replaced them on his back. He looked back up, smiled, and nodded, "Well I guess I'll see you then," And he walked away, not looking back.

Twilight felt a mixture of emotions. Should she feel bad that she belittled his talent so much? But...but it was science! Science wasn't real! Why would it be when there was magic?

Mr. Cake suddenly interrupted her thoughts, placing her lunch down in front of her, "Sorry about the wait," He apologized incessantly, "We're in a bit of a lunch rush here,"

"Oh, it's no problem," Twilight reassured, gazing upon her lunch hungrily. Lifting up her sandwich magically and biting into it, she forgot all about Kramer.

Later that night, when Twilight had fulfilled all of her duties, she was relaxing in the comfort of her library, settling in with a fluffly quilt and a brand new book, just arrived that day. She was so glad that she could finally do nothing; after her lunch she had gone over to Rarity's to be a model for a new dress, then she went to Pinkie's to organize some party for some holiday celebrated in some far off country (she could always find a reason to party), and then she had to come home and organize and re-organize her books, restocking the checked-in books and dusting all the shelves. But finally, finally, her day was coming to an end. She picked up her book, the newest issue in the tales of Sherlock Hooves, and cracked it open.

"Blimey..." Marvelled a voice from her door, a voice with a thick north-countree accent.

Twilight turned around in her special reading chair and saw Kramer standing there, looking in awe at the sheer amount of books stuffed in the small room, "This is quite the library!" He marveled, smiling sincerely.

"What are you doing here?" Twilight blurted accidentally, not realizing how insensitive it sounded.

"I said I would check out the library, and I am," Kramer said, stepping further inside and closing the door, spinning on one hoof so he could get a full 360 view of the room. He then turned towards Twilight, all curled up in her quilt, and asked, "Is that a crime?"

Twilight happened to glance over and saw the Open/Close sign; she had forgotten to flip it. Slightly amused and slightly annoyed, she shook her head, to the delight of Kramer. He immediately went to a shelf, getting up on two legs so he could look at the higher ones, very quickly scanning the spines of the books, going from shelf to shelf until he found one that interested him. Spotting one, he grabbed it and dashed back across the room, diving onto the couch right next to Twilight and cracking the book open.

Twilight didn't know how to react, so she simply sat there. She spotted the title of the book he was reading: "Science and other Ancient Myth". Of course.

She opened her own book, and for a time the two simply sat there, reading next to one another. Finally, Twilight couldn't stand her curiosity anymore. Marking the page she was on, she closed the book, turned towards Kramer, and asked bluntly, "Why do you study science?"

Kramer looked over at her, smiling. He closed his book and said, "Six minutes, twelve seconds. That's how long it took you to ask."

He had counted? Twilight wasn't sure how to react.

Kramer merely chuckled, placed the book down, and reached over for his massive saddlebags, "You see, I wasn't born a scientist, for several years of my life I didn't even know it existed! But then I heard the myth: Ancient ponies, and other creatures, doing spectacular, abnormal things, without the need of any sort of magic or horn." He glanced over at Twilight, finishing his rummaging, "It fascinated me. I studied up on the myth more and more, until eventually, I found this." He pulled out an ancient looking, leather bound book, with a title printed on it in a strange runic text.

"What's that?" Twilight asked obviously.

Kramer smiled at her, "It's a book of science."

Twilight looked at the book with a new interest. Real or not, finding an ancient relic such as this would definitely be a marvelous find. She had interest in the myth herself, but always thought of it as just that-a myth. It predicted that books of science existed, but none had ever been found. "Where'd you get it?" She asked, gazing at it in awe.

"I found it in a cave," Kramer said, opening the book. It's contents were written in the same runic text, large blocks of words filled the pages, "A massive cave, a secret cave. Took me a year to explore it fully, another two to decipher this language, and another three to translate the entire text."

"What's it say?" Twilight asked with rapt attention.

"It describes a world very much unlike ours," Kramer said after a moment, a twinkle in his eye, "A world confined to a few simple laws, but a world completely and utterly explainable, and understandable." He turned towards Twilight, "A world where everything can take advantage of these few simple laws, and create astounding, marvelous creations." He flipped through the pages for her benefit. They were filled with text, illustrations, charts, diagrams, and all sorts of wonderful things, "A world where everything is equal." He set down the book, turned towards her and said, "That's the kind of world I want to live in."

"Why?" Twilight asked instantly, not expecting his answer.

Kramer frowned, thought for a moment, and then said, "Growing up, I had two brothers and five sisters." He paused to chuckle, "Quite the family, yes, but..." He looked down into space, "I was the only earth pony."

"What?" Twilight asked, shocked.

"Mum, Dad," Kramer listed, "Vicky, Dicky, Angie, Holly, Christie, Pat and Mary. They were all Unicorns, and then there was me, the youngest, the only one not magical."

Twilight covered her mouth, not able to begin to understand what that felt like. Growing up she was an only child and a magic prodigy! They were polar opposites.

"It didn't bother me much," Kramer admitted, "That is, until we all started growing. Before I had reached High School, Vicky and Dicky had both written their own spells, Angie had managed to finish one spell that was left unfinished for decades, Holly was a magical prodigy, and Christie, Pat, and Mary were all in the honors magic classes." Kramer sighed, "And then there was me: no cutie mark, no special talent, no abilities...nobody."

Twilight was now fully ashamed for belittling his talent earlier that day, but she wasn't given a chance to apologize before Kramer continued.

"But then," He started, "I heard about the mythical study of Science, and it gave me hope that a normal, unspecial pony could do wonderful, abnormal things. Even I could be special, even I could be..." He paused, blinking excessively, "Magical."

Twilight didn't know what to do, so she simply placed a hoof on his shoulder reassuringly.

Kramer nodded gratefully, then continued, "So I packed my things and left home, bound on finding some Science. I went on wild goose chases, travelled all around Equestria, until I found this book," He held up the book for emphasis, "And when I found this book, I knew I had found what I was looking for."

Twilight shook her head, her heartstrings thoroughly plucked, "I'm so sorry."

Kramer looked at her and smiled, "It's quite alright, I've found my purpose now as a scientist, no need to feel bad." He gently put his archaic book away and said, "You know, my science and your magic aren't all that different. We both study, trying to explain the world around us, each in our own ways." He looked at Twilight and said, "You and me, We're two sides of the same coin."

Twilight smiled. He was right, they were very much alike, yet in very different ways. Kramer had shown her that even the oddest beliefs can help those who need it. She had a newfound respect for the old myth, even if it wasn't her cup of tea. Scooching closer to Kramer on the couch, she looked at the book and asked curiously, "So what exactly does science teach?"

CDO - [comedy]

Author's Note

Now that Twilight is an alicorn, Rarity is left being the only regular unicorn in their group of friends. She now thinks they should bring in another unicorn to take Twilight's place, and enlists Pinkie to find such a unicorn.

CDO - [comedy]

Rarity sat slouched over her lunch table outside of the Sugarcube Café, noncommittally slurping a milkshake. She got tired of drinking it and proceeded to blow bubbles in it with her straw, watching as the entire mass of the milkshake rose above the bubble, then collapsed as the bubble popped to the surface.

Pinkie Pie skipped by happily waving to Rarity as she passed. Not receiving any wave back, Pinkie skidded to a halt, noticing the melancholy demeanor of her friend. She hopped over and sat in the seat opposite her, greeting happily, "Hiya, Rarity! What's down?"

Rarity looked up questioningly, "'What's down'?" she repeated.

Pinkie Pie nodded, "Uh-huh! It's like what's up, except down because you're sad!" she explained, giggling.

Rarity rolled her eyes, "Oh, it's nothing," she said dismissively, "I'm just thinking about, you know, how Twilight became an alicorn pricess."

Pinkie Pie raised her brow with exaggerated suspicion, "You're just now thinking about it? 'cause, I mean, it's been a while since that happened."

"Well, yes," Rarity conceded, "But so much stuff was happening! I hadn't any time to think about it until now!"

Pinkie Pie nodded, "well, what are you thinking about it?" she asked with a smile.

Rarity leaned backed in her chair, stirring her shake with her straw, "Mm, nothing much, I just...ah, I wish Twilight had never become an Alicorn.."

Pinkie Pie gasped with exaggerated shock, "How can you say that?" she wondered loudly.

"It's not like I'm jealous or anything!" Rarity said, "No, nothing so, so plebian," she remarked, fluffing her mane stylishly. "It just, when she became an Alicorn, it ruined the uniformity of our group!"

"Uniformity?" Pinkie Pie repeated with a giggle.

"Yes!" Rarity shouted, waving her hooves about, "It was so perfect! There was Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, two pegasi, you and Applejack, two earth ponies, and me and Twilight, two unicorns! But now," she slouched back in her chair, "We have just one unicorn, and an Alicorn. The uniformity is ruined!" she let out several false sobs to show how emphatic she was about their uniformity.

Pinkie Pie stroked her chin thoughtfully, "Looks like you have a case of CDO!" she diagnosed.

"CDO?" Rarity repeated.

"Uh-huh! It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order," Pinkie Pie suddenly slammed her hooves on the table and stared daggers at Rarity, "as they should be."

Rarity mulled this thought over, "Well I don't care what I have," she said snootily, "I just want our precious uniformity back!"

"What's the plan, man?" Pinkie rhymed, "Are you going to set up a booth and interview every unicorn in town to find a new pony to bring into our group, thus restoring the uniformity and bringing peace to the universe?"

Rarity looked at Pinkie, "Pinkie Pie, that's brilliant!" she cheered.

Lyra-

"Pinkie Pie, what are you doing?"

I'm keeping a transcript of our interviews! It's an official record, because I am an official pony.

"Right...so, anyway. State your name and occupation for the record, please."

"You know who I am, Rarity. We pass each other every single day."

"..."

"I live right next to you?"

"..."

"I bought a dress from you yesterday?"

"..."

" I'm Lyra Heartstrings, and I am an anthropologist. Though the majority of my income does not come from anthropology."

"What is 'anthropology'?"

"The study of humans. I study humans."

"...you mean that old myth?"

"Oh, it's no myth! Humans are very real. In fact, I've seen one up close. They kidnapped me, brought me into this shiny metallic white room, and they...experimented on me."

"oh...I'm so sorry?"

"No, no, it's fine. It was exhilarating. I wish the humans would come back for me, they can probe me all they want."

"Next, please."

(i can't remember a time when i thought this was a good idea)

Biblioklept - [comedy, slice of life]

Author's Note

Twilight wakes up tied to a chair, a criminal in her library, stealing her books.

Biblioklept - [comedy, slice of life]

Twilight was cold, and it had woken her up. Still half asleep, and not wanting to let go of her drowsiness, she reached over and pulled her blanket tighter around her, only to discover that there was no such blanket. She opened her eyes, sacrificing her sleep to satisfy her curiosity, and found herself in the main room of her library, in the dark, tied to a chair. Initial panic settling in, she struggled against her bonds and tried to remember what had happened before she had fallen asleep.

Her thoughts were interrupted when a charming voice from behind her caught her attention, saying, "Ah good, you're awake. I thought tonight was going to be boring."

She did not recognize the voice, and because her ropes were constricting her, she could not turn around and see who was talking. So instead, trying to sound intimidating, she said, "Who are you? Untie me right now!" and continued to vainly struggle against her bonds.

"Relax," the voice said calmly, as if he was just playing around, "I'm not going to hurt you!" Twilight suddenly felt her ropes being tightened from behind, and the voice continued, "But I'm not letting you go."

Twilight strained her neck to see who was behind her, but only managed to catch a glimpse of a black overcoat wearing stallion. However, the pony walked around to the front of her soon after, ignoring Twilight and instead going to the bookshelves on the far side of the room.

Now Twilight strained her eyes to see her captor, managing only to make out a pair of goggles on his face. The pony suddenly made an "Ooo," sound, and plucked a book from the shelf. Then he did something strange, he walked to Twilight's side, showed her the book, and asked her, "What do you think of this book?"
It was too dark to even make out the color of his fur, but Twilight could tell it was a light color, at least. His mane was long and covered most of the back of his head, almost like a mullet, except with low hanging bangs. The book she was being shown was a copy of Advanced Metaphysical Theory of Magic, by Starswirl the Bearded; a personal favorite of hers. "Why do you care?" Twilight asked. She could tell he was not a unicorn-though he might've had a pair of wings under that dark coat of his.

The pony took a step back and looked over the book thoughtfully, nodding slightly and then shrugging, "Yeah, I guess so," he responded, going back to the shelf and replacing the book.

Twilight, very confused at his uncharacteristically calm demeanor, as if he didn't have a care in the world, asked politely, "Why are you here? Why did you tie me up?" in an attempt to reason with her captor.

The pony turned around and faced her, leaning against the shelf, and Twilight thought she saw a smile on his face. Then the pony shrugged, "No reason," he said simply.

Twilight was taken aback, "What do you mean, 'No reason'?"

"I mean, 'No reason'," the pony repeated, pulling a thermos out of his coat, "I had nothing better to do, and you seemed tense." He took a sip from the thermos.

"Tense?" Twilight repeated incredulously.

The pony nodded, smacking his lips from his beverage, "You looked like you could use a break," he then held the thermos out towards Twilight, knowing full well she wouldn't be able to take it, "Milk?" he offered.

Twilight didn't know how to respond; why would somepony go through the trouble of kidnapping her, tying her up in her own home, and then say it was just for no reason? The thought suddenly struck her that she could use her magic to free herself, and she attempted to do so. Nothing happened, and at the same time Twilight noticed a strange metal cone on top of her horn, apparently some sort of magical inhibitor. She was completely powerless. "So you mean to tell me," she explained, "That you broke into my house in the middle of the night, kidnapped me, and tied me up, because you thought I needed a break?"

The pony nodded, taking another sip of his milk. After his drink, he asked calmly, "So, what's up?"

Twilight was silent, not able to grasp the craziness of the situation, "W-well, I-" she started, actually answering his question.

The pony began chuckling, which quickly rose to an all out laugh, "You're quite gullible, you know that? Of course I have a reason!"

Twilight was aggravated at her captor, but she was careful not to let it show, just in case he took advantage of his power over her, "So what do you want?" she asked.

The pony nodded to the shelf behind him, "I'm a biblioklept. I'm stealing your books."

"My books!" Twilight yelled in shock.

The pony nodded, putting his apparently empty thermos on a nearby shelf, then turned back to the shelf, scanning the spines of the books.

"Y-you can't steal my books!" Twilight protested vainly.

The pony didn't even bother to turn around and pointed out innocently, "You're not really in a position to bargain right now."

Twilight knew he was right, but she didn't have to admit it. She shrugged, "So what, I'm supposed to just watch you steal my books?"

The pony turned his head towards her and smiled, "You have to admit I could be doing worse things." she couldn't see under his goggles, but she was pretty sure he had just winked.

Twilight clenched her teeth, thoroughly miffed. She didn't let her anger show, though; he still had power over her, "Can I at least know my captor's name?"

The pony was silent for a moment, picking up a book and looking it over, "I won't tell you my real name," he said, "obviously. But, you can call me...Schadenfreude."

Twilight's brow furrowed in confusion, "What kind of name is that?"

Schadenfreude turned around, "Hey, I worked hard on that thief name!" He suddenly walked over, behind Twilight. Twilight started to try and turn around, but Schadenfreude flipped her chair around so she could see him deposit the book in a rather large sack. Twilight gasped at the sheer number of books in the sack; she could see empty places on the shelves on the far wall. Schadenfreude picked up the sack and turned towards Twilight, "It's an old dragon word, and it means, 'the feeling of pleasure at the misfortune of others.' Fitting, because seeing you mad at me for stealing your books is amusing," he said with a smile.

Twilight scrunched up her snout in anger, eliciting another charming smile from Schadenfreude, "You won't get away with this!" she said, wriggling in her bonds.

Schadenfreude let out a laugh, "I think I already have, Dear." He turned this way and that, doing one final sweep of the library, then said, "Well, I think I've gotten all the books I need," and he nodded towards Twilight and headed for the door.

Twilight wriggled furiously in her ropes, looking like a very angry caterpillar, saying, "I'll find you!"

Schadenfreude stopped in the doorway, gave her a salute, and left the building, letting the door swing shut behind him.
Twilight wriggled a few seconds longer, then gave up with a sigh, hanging her head. When Spike woke up and found her tied up, she would be freed, but that wouldn't be until dawn, and by that time, Schadenfreude would be long gone.

But she wouldn't give up that easily. If it had been anything else, some food, some bits, anything like that, she probably would have just shrugged and gotten over it, but Schadenfreude had stolen her books.

And now it was personal.

E.G.G.P.O.N.Y. - [crossover]

Author's Note

Eggman has given up on trying to take over Earth, so now he's taking over Equestria.
fRoM tHe InSiDe oOoOoOoooOOooOOoOo *dRAmaTic mUsiC

E.G.G.P.O.N.Y. - [crossover]

Ch 1- Disguiiiiiiiiiiise

Eggman sat in his comically tall velvet chair, sipping tea in front of a fireplace while wearing an equally comical velvet robe and ascot.

He sipped.

And sipped again.

And then he took something that was too large to be called a sip, but not necessarily big enough to be a gulp.

And then he sipped again.

Suddenly he stood straight up out of his chair and flung his teacup against the fireplace with a loud grunt of exertion, listening to it sizzle satisfactorily.

"Curse that little blue pestilence!" he announced vehemently to his library, "even in my Me-Time he invades my every thought! This is tortuous!"

His energy from the tea spent, he sunk back down into his special relaxation chair and festered, "Every one of my plans, Ev-ry sINgle One! Foiled! ...I need a new plan, something big! Something convoluted! Something that will end the blue menance once and-"

"Dr. Eggman," a tinny robotic voice interrupted his ranting.

Eggman looked down next to his chair to find one of his small robotic butlers. The urgency light on it's head was blinking rapidly orange - the complementary color of blue.

"What?" Eggman demanded, "cant you see I'm ranting about my arch nemesis?"

"Sir, I-I-I just came to inform you, sir," the butler stammered nervously.

(Eggman had knowingly programmed nervousness into all his robot butlers because he loved it when people feared him. Unfortunately this has lead to him finding more than one love shrines dedicated to him built by his robots and many "notice me senpai" notes stuck in various places left for him)

"What is it? Spit it out!" Eggman demanded, quickly losing his mental rage tangent aimed at Sonic.

Sonic!

"Well?" Eggman slammed his fist onto the armrest of his fancy velvet chair.

The butler flinched at the slamming and spat out, "Y-y-your astronomer robots have discovered a new planet within warping distance of Earth, sir,-"

"Is that all? We find those all the time!" Eggman turned away, gesturing dismissively, "Begone! I'm ranting."

"N-not just that, sir," the butler said, wheeling his way around to the front of the chair, "We've discovered life on it!"

Eggman sat up in his chair, "What kind of life? More Wisps?"

"No sir, it's....well, it's ponies, sir," the butler explained awkwardly.

"Ponies?" Eggman breathed disbelievingly, letting out hoots and chortles and other forms of laughter, "Bahaha! Ponies? Really?"

"Yes sir!" The butler said eagerly, "Sentient, verbally communicative, societally advanced ponies! With the capabilities for flight, large scale agriculture, and biological quantum dislocation!"

Eggman stopped laughing. "...Is that so?" he said, standing up from his chair again. "Societally advanced..." he stood for several more moments, pantomiming a teacup to help him muse thoughtfully.

The butler stood at his heels, unsure of what to do.

Eggman cracked a devious smile as his eyeglasses twinkled with the beginnings of a plan, "Well, maybe it's time I tried taking over some other planet than Earth...wouldn't you say?"

"U-uhh," the butler responded noncommittally.

"Because, of course," Eggman reasoned quickly, "on a planet full of ponies...there's no room for a...hedgehog, don't you agree?"

"Y-yes?" the butler answered warily.

Eggman spun on his bunny slippered heels, "Make ready the necessary preparations! I think I'd like to observe this planet...personally."

"Yes sir!" the butler said, speeding off.

Eggman nodded and turned back to the fire, musing further on what sort of dictatorship he could sustain on the backs of a highly intelligent pony species.

Eggman suddenly started with a realization, "Swig!"

The butler stopped, "S-sorry, sir?"

Eggman looked over his shoulder, "Halfway between a sip and a gulp! The word is, 'Swig'!"

The butler looked at him, unsure of what to do with this information.

"GO!" Eggman ordered, "And alert the genetics department! I think I'll be in need of...a disguiiiiise," he said with an evil smile.

"Yes sir!" the butler saluted, speeding off out of the library.

Eggman named the new planet Robotnikland, or RBK-1, as it was the one and only planet orbiting it's star. His geneticists had done a quick study on the biology of the pony species, and Eggman himself had designed an android in accordance with their notes, with his own personal flair added in.

His body was now floating in a tube of oxygenated perfluorocarbon, hooked up to life support and wearing a sophisticated EEG helmet so that he could control the android remotely with his mind, and he was now standing in front of a mirror, inspecting his creation.

His pony android had trim, charcoal fur, while his mane was left spiky, unruly, and auburn to make the color of his glorious mustache. The mustache itself, however, could not be ideally replicated on the pony snout, and thus his mug was left conspicuously shaven.

(still, it was nice to have hair on tOp of his head again. it's been so many years...)

Yet Eggman had no further complaints on his design. It didn't look anything like a pony from Earth, but then again he wasn't trying to look like a pony from Earth. He wanted to look like a pony from RBK-1.

Eggman made his pony face smile deviously and said in his own voice, "mission accomplished."

"Sir," another robot butler said, appearing next to his feet. In his delivery appendages he held two items which would give the android just that eggman flair he was looking for.

Eggman took the items gratefully and put them on, admiring himself in the mirror again.

Now, his pony android was fully decked out in a red and gold jacket like his very own, tailored to fit on the pony body, and his unnaturally large eyes were hidden behind an extra large pair of blue glasses, just like his very own.

"Excellent!" Eggman cheered, "This disguiiiise is perfect!"

He turned to the delivery robot and gestured grandly with his hoof, "Ready the warp station! It's time to show these ponies their new leaderrrrr." he growled with a great big evil smile.

"Y-yes sir!" the butler saluted, and sped off.

Eggman turned to where his body was floating in a chamber of liquid and put his hoof on the glass, "In due time, this will be the form that those ponies will be bowing down to." he vowed.

Eggman stepped back, turned, and walked towards the warp zone.

Ch 2 - BehOLD

Eggman trotted down the corridor to the warp zone, getting used to the feeling of having four legs. "It's like having two legs and two legs, instead of two legs and two arms," he mused thoughtfully to himself, "I am such a genius."

An eager robot butler quickly jogged up next to Eggman's hooves, "Shall I prepare the Egg Fleet, sir?" he requested.

Eggman shook his new pony head, "Not this time. I don't want to cause a panic."

The robot butler stopped in his tracks, "But you love causing panics, sir.."

"Normally, yes," Eggman chuckled, "But this is a very rare opportunity; a chance to conquer a world without sonic ever even making an appearance," he chuckled and chortled and giggled evilly, "I want this to be a controlled conquering, I want to savor every sssssecond of those ponies' suffering, mu hu wah ha ha haaaaeeeee-ack!"

The robot butler stood in awe of the sheer evil genius of Eggman. "I love you Eggman,"

"Ready the warp zone!" Eggman demanded loudly to anyone nearby. "I want to see this world puhhhh-hersonallyyyyy," he growled with a vigor.

"Notice me senpai," whispered the robot butler, who stood there for a few moments longer before turning around and running off.

Another robot butler ran up to Eggman's side and said, "Where should I direct the portal to, your most evilness?"

Eggman mused thoughtfully, stroking his uncomfortably hairless pony lips and surprisingly comfortably haired head as he mused. "Somewhere not too populated, I want my entrance to be noticed! But also, somewhere a little ways away from any other settlement, so they can't escape me. Perhaps, somewhere superstitious, perhaps a farm town."

The robot butler slammed his robot hands on the robot keyboard in front of him, controlling the destination of the portal. He nodded and said, "Your destination is set, your grouchiness; a small town called 'Ponyville'. Just press that button over there to open the portal."

"Ponyville...how creative," Eggman muttered as his final musing on Earth. Then pressed a button on a side panel with his large, clunky new hoof and watched as a portal buzzed, sparked, and hummed to life housed inside some crazy machinery in front of him. Robot butlers cheered on all sides as he stood before the portal, holding his two forelegs up and waving his hooves around menacingly, like a witch watching a brew bubble. "Not a moment to waste!" he declared, and dove through the portal.

When he was spat out on the other side, he saw pink.

"Where am I?" Eggman asked aloud, though his voice sounded strangely muffled, "What am I seeing?"

"Hiya!" a high pitched, cheery voice greeted, "I don't think I've ever seen you around, I like your coat!"

Eggman lifted his hoofs and felt around the pink, realizing his face was pressed into something soft and squishy. He pushed off and looked up into a pair of blue eyes and bubblegum hair.

"My name's Pinkie Pie!" the pony greeted, "What's yours?"

Eggman pushed off the pony quickly, scrambling to his hooves, "Get off me, pony filth!"

"Nice to meet you, Getoffme Ponyfilth!" Pinkie Pie cheered, "That's a nice name! Is it Trottish?"

Eggman shook his head and blew air between his lips, gathering his senses. "Sure, why not," he muttered noncommittally, looking around as he inspected his new surroundings. He stood in the center of what appeared to be a town square, with ponies of all shapes, sizes, and colors - oh, the colors! - milling about this way and that, chatting and going about their business.

"Hey, cool glasses!" Pinkie Pie said, snatching them off his face without a moment's warning.

"Wha-what?" Eggman jumped, startled at the sudden invasion, "Give those back, insolent scum!" he demanded.

"Woah~," Pinkie said, looking around while wearing the glasses, "Everything's bluuuuuuueeeeee," she cooed, wiggling her hooves rhythmically.

Eggman snatched the glasses back, "These are priceless cobalt lense pince-nez-!"

"Woah, your eyes are scary!"

Eggman waved his hoof dismissively, shooing the pink pony away and grumbling about insolent pony scum and genocide of everything pink as he carefully replaced the lenses on his face. "Better," he breathed, turning back to Pinkie Pie and gesturing grandly, "Now, then, behOLD-!"

"Looks like somebody's a little grumpy-kins," Pinkie Pie said in a sing-songy voice, scrunching up her muzzle to imitate Eggman's steely frown of hatred, "I know just what you need!"

"What I need," Eggman rebutted, gesturing grandly again as he continued, "is all to behOLD-!"

"Why would you want everyone to be old?" Pinkie Pie interrupted again, "No, what you need is-,"

"Not 'be old'," Eggman corrected in a huff, "BehOLD-!"

"A party!" Pinkie Pie cheered. She suddenly threw her hooves to her face and gasped, "I'm not ready for it!" she turned back to eggman and urged cheerfully, "Wait right here, I'll go get stuff!" and she zoomed off faster than what seemed possible.

Eggman stood, hands still held outward grandly, "The ultimate...lifeform, your new..ruler," he finished weakly to no audience. He fell backwards into an opportunely placed chair, rubbing his forehead with his hoof, "Oh, I certainly hope that's the only one of that pink pestilence on this planet."

He heard a ladylike giggle next to him, "Don't worry, she is," another female voice assured.

Eggman turned around to see a white unicorn sitting behind him. "Unicorn...?"

The unicorn gasped, "Oh, how exquisite~!" she sang, swooning dramatically, "Your style is unlike any I've seen before!"

"My style?" Eggman spat.

"Yes!" the unicorn assured, "It's so, so...mechanical! So developed! So post-steampunk-grunge-electric-techno-regression!"

Eggman stared at her, silently deciding upon a second genocide of all white unicorns after his genocide of everything pink.

The unicorn zipped around the table, sliding her hooves over his shoulders, "I simply must borrow this coat so that I can make more!"

"UnhAND me, filthy plebian!" Eggman demanded, shaking the unicorn off and standing back to his feet, "I am Doctor Ivo Robotnik Eggman! I have an IQ of three hundred!"

"And I am Lady Rarity, you brute," the unicorn scoffed, "But, with proper time, I can mold you into a true gentlecolt~!" she swooned again, "Oh, how romantic!"

"Enough of this," Eggman muttered, and he held up his hoof, watching as it sunk into his leg and machinery extended out of his body, clicking and hissing as a large gun mechanized into place where his hoof was, "Now, get a load of this!" he said, turning and blasting a nearby hay bale into oblivion, replacing it with a pile of blackened ash and soot.

Rarity shrieked and ran away, her hooves clopping delicately on the ground.

Eggman smiled grimly, relishing the fear he was inspiring in that pesky unicorn's undeveloped, unequipped mind.

"That was sooooo awesome!" another, tomboyish voice behind him squeed, "You made that thing explode! Sheyoom, Ka-pshhhhh!" she said, emulating the sound of the gun and explosion.

Eggman turned around yet again to find a blue-

Blue!

He instinctively raised his gun and shot at the thing, eagerly anticipating the sounds of sizzling flesh.

But the blue pegasus expertly dodged the energy blast. "Woah!" she yelped, "Hey! What's your bucking problem?!"

Eggman's eyes travelled up the blue pegasus's very nonhedgehog body and rainbow tinted mane. "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

"Somepony else," the pegasus corrected.

"I will murder you,"

"Alright! Alright, jeez," the rainbow mane said, "Whatever," she said dismissively, dashing off through the air at near Sonic speeds.

Sonic!

Eggman sat back down, grumbling and grunting and making more genocide plans. Perhaps he should just call down the Egg Fleet and raze this planet with salt and fire.

But no, not yet. The ponies he'd met thus far have been nuisances, but nothing that would stand a chance against his might.

A conquering was in their future yet.

Deathless - [slice of life]

Author's Note

Twilight is an alicorn, now, and that makes her special. While Princess Celestia has made it clear that Twilight's new stature will not grant her immortality, and that she will age just like any other pony, being such a highly ranking magician gives her special perks, like a seat on the Council of Immortals.
Sounds like a good deal; every month she gets to learn new things from the oldest and most powerful beings in Equestria, but there is one, small...responsibility.
She's become the legal ward of a hot-headed immortal with a death wish.

Deathless - [slice of life]

Princess Celestia threw the grand doors wide open, and Twilight stepped into the majestic hall for the first time. She had never been inside the royal courtroom before, and was relishing the new experience. The first thing she noticed was how empty it was. Granted, she didn't expect there to be many immortals in Equestria, but the sheer amount of empty seats was staggering. She surveyed the crowd; counting herself and Princess Celestia, there was Princess Luna and Princess Cadence, no real surprise there. There was Discord, that was somewhat unexpected, but, Twilight thought, since he had reformed, obviously he would be here. He was an immortal, after all. What was really surprising was the fact that he was having a lively conversation with Queen Chrysalis. The princess had informed her that these Council meetings were times of truce, and that truce was protected by unbreakable magic, but it was still a bit off-putting to see her in the same place as the princesses and not try to overthrow them. There was another figure standing in the shadows, but Twilight couldn't make out who it was. She squinted, spotting only a pair of green and purple eyes before Celestia had taken her seat as the chairpony of the meeting. She banged a gavel against the table twice for silence, and motioned for everyone to take their seats.

Twilight hopped into a chair alongside the other princesses, and the rest of the immortals settled down. Except for the shadowy figure, who remained standing in the shadows.

"First order of business," Celestia began tersely, "I would like to welcome newly crowned Princess Twilight Sparkle to the Council of Immortals,"

Twilight was almost embarrassed at her title, and ducked her head as the ponies clapped politely. Except for Discord, of course, who objected, "Oh, come on now; she's not even immortal! I can see her aging," he emphasized.

"She is a Princess, and that earns her a seat on this Council, and you will respect her as an equal member," Princess Luna immediately reprimanded, sending Twilight a reassuring smile.

Twilight smiled back. Discord rolled his eyes, but remained silent. Queen Chrysalis leaned over and whispered something in his ear, and they both shared a chuckle.

"Next order of business," Celestia continued, "Roll call; I am present, Luna is present, Cadence, Twilight, Discord, Chrysalis, and..." she leaned over and looked into the shadowy corner where the figure stood, staring at them with malicious eyes. She nodded in affirmation, "and Sombra is here-"

"What?" Twilight interjected, whipping her head around to look at King Sombra in the shadows. She swore she saw an evil, sharp toothed smile in the darkness.

"While Sombra is imprisoned in the void over the crystal empire," Princess Cadence explained, "He is still an immortal and is present during these meetings. However, since he is not physically here, he must stay in the shadows to sustain his form, and cannot actively participate in the Council proceedings."

"Oh..." Twilight said hesitantly, off-put at how calm everypony was in the midst of such powerful beings, dark and light alike. How strong could this magical truce possibly be?

"Third order of business," Celestia continued, pausing to sigh and close her eyes, as if disappointed by what was next on the list in front of her, "Deathless is in legal trouble again." every creature in the room save Twilight groaned; even Sombra rolled his eyes.

Twilight looked back and forth, "I don't understand," she said quietly.

Princess Celestia looked up at the grand doors on the far side of the courtroom and gestured for somepony to come in. The doors swung open and a pair of royal guards walked in, somepony Twilight had never seen before between them. It was a Pegasus; a stallion. He wore a deep black overcoat, and his hooves were in shackles. He resisted the guards, a look of frustration on his face. His fur was golden, and his mane was long and scarlet. His eyes were blue, and they stared daggers at his captors, who walked forward solemnly and indifferently. They deposited him in front of the Council, unchained his hooves and walked away. He fiddled vainly with his shackles, muttering something to himself as the guards walked away. Twilight thought she heard something along the lines of, "worthless, copy-and-paste piles of fake law."

Twilight was about to ask who that pony was, but the Princess cut her off, reading aloud from a list, voice rising in intensity with each item "Breaking and entering, destruction of property, petty larceny, littering, attempted assault and battery, taking a hostage, attempted suicide?!" Celestia threw her hooves in the air and shook her head in confusion at the pony, "What were you thinking?" she demanded.

The pony set his jaw stubbornly, "I never littered," he argued.

Princess Luna had taken the list and read over it, and now she spoke, "It says here they're trying to charge you with verbal abuse, saying you were quoted as calling the plaintiff a, 'dirty, no good, twisted merchant not worth the two bits he grubbed together in a day'?"

Discord started laughing.

The pony looked her in the eyes innocently, "It's not a lie," he defended.

"Deathless," Princess Celestia reprimanded, "You are an immortal; when will you learn that you have different responsibilities than normal ponies? You cannot keep acting so irresponsible!"

'Deathless' looked very miffed at that statement, and he stated definitively, "I help ponies!"

"Taking the law into your own hands like some sort of wild vigilante is not helping anypony, certainly not yourself," Celestia scolded, leaning her head on her hoof and sighing, "What am I going to do with you?"

"Excuse me," Twilight interrupted, "Who's that?"

Princess Celestia looked at her, realizing she had never introduced the two. She gestured to Deathless and said, "This is Deathless. He's-"

"I can introduce myself, Princess," Deathless interrupted. He turned to Twilight and mockingly gave her a grand bow, "Greetings, Princess Twilight," he said warmly.

Twilight was off-put at his sudden show of respect for her, "Hello," she greeted unsurely.

Deathless stood back up and gave her a brilliant smile, "I'm an Immortal," he explained, "And in the eyes of the law, I'm a troublemaker."

That got a laugh out of Twilight. She smiled and said, "It sure sounds like it,"

Deathless smiled back, "I don't see myself that way, though," he said, "I'm just trying to have a bit of fun with my eternity." He suddenly winked at Twilight, "But you'd be surprised how much fun stuff is illegal."

"That's enough of that," Celestia cut off before Twilight could respond. "The real question here, Deathless, is what am I going to tell the police to keep them from throwing you in jail? Again?" she added.

"Tia, anything you can think of that hasn't failed before, I'm okay with," Deathless said informally.

"That's no way to talk to the princess!" Twilight suddenly reprimanded, "You are to refer to her as Princess Celestia during these formal proceedings!"

Deathless gave her another exaggerated bow, "My sincerest apologizes, your highness," he said insincerely.

Twilight was surprised at his sudden show of respect again, but she recovered faster and nodded, "Don't let it happen again."

Princess Celestia smiled at her, "Thank you, Twilight," she said to her, then turned to Deathless and said, "I've made my decision," she said suddenly.

"Oh, come on!" Discord suddenly interjected, "Why do you even invite us to these things if we don't get a single say in anything?" Chrysalis nodded along with him.

Celestia looked at him, "We are not letting you take him in as your student of chaos, Discord," she established, "The last thing we need is two spirits of disharmony in Equestria." She turned back to Deathless and continued, "No, I've decided to send you away from Canterlot-"

"Like that's worked before," Deathless and Discord muttered in tandem.

"-to live with Princess Twilight Sparkle."

"What?" Deathless and Twilight reacted in tandem.

Celestia nodded, "I'm making you legally responsible for anything Deathless does," she explained, "you will become his legal ward. I have the utmost confidence that you will keep him out of trouble; you've never failed me before."

"That's going to end," Deathless said rather loudly.

"Princess, I can't take care of another pony, much less so an immortal!" Twilight argued.

"You will do fine," Celestia looked her in the eye and smiled, "You're my star pupil."

Deathless rolled his eyes.

Twilight, knowing there was no real way out of it if it was an order from the Princess, nodded slowly, looking at Deathless. He smiled and waved a shackled hoof innocently. This won't end well.

The train ride back from Canterlot to Ponyville was awkward. Twilight had chosen the train rather than the royal carriage because she still wasn't comfortable in her new royal stature, and she hadn't chosen to fly because she was still unsure in her newfound abilities. She sat quietly across the train from Deathless, who was entertaining himself by fiddling with the chains in his shackles.

Twilight had finally had enough, and, ignoring Celestia's advice to keep the shackles on him until he was safely in the library, pulled out the key she had been given by the guards and hopped across the train, unlatching the hoofcuffs and freeing him. He rubbed his hooves as if they were sore and looked at Twilight with genuine gratitude. "Thank you," he said sincerely.

Twilight leaned back in her seat, just glad that the infernal clinking of the chains was over. She tried to make small talk, "So...how did you become an immortal?"

Deathless looked at her, "What do you mean?"

"W-well," Twilight started awkwardly, "All the other immortals are, you know, magical creatures; the princesses are alicorns, Discord is a draconequus, and Chrysalis is a changeling queen, but you...you're just a normal Pegasus." And it was true; he didn't have any prominent features other than his wings, in fact he looked quite unremarkable. It was a surprise to think he had committed all the crimes Princess Celestia has listed in the courtroom. Twilight was suddenly aware that she was in the same train car as an immortal criminal.

Deathless smiled and looked out the window, "Well, I'm a different kind of immortal," he said.

"That much is certain," Twilight agreed.

Deathless chuckled, "You said that awful fast," he observed playfully, but continued, "You see...well, it's complicated."

"How complicated?"

Deathless looked at her, still fiddling with his hooves, "Very, complicated."

Twilight sat up in her chair, "I'm clever, and I know a thing or two about magic, so don't patronize me," she said. Celestia had advised her that Deathless respected a stern hoof.

And it seemed to work, Deathless readjusted his seat and began, "I suppose I can best explain it this way: the other immortals can't die, right?"

Twilight nodded, "Right."

"I can," Deathless said.

Twilight's brow furrowed in confusion, "I-I don't understand, you're not immortal?"

"Oh no, I am," Deathless nodded quickly, "But you see, the other immortals can't get hurt. They can't get cut, they can't bleed, they can't get sick, and they can't die. I can do all of those things-I can die-it's just...I don't stay dead."

Twilight still didn't understand, and her face showed it.

"Okay, look," Deathless said, gesturing widely with his hooves, "If you took a sword, right now, and," he knocked on his temple, "thrust it right through my head, I would die."

Twilight looked at him.

"And then," Deathless added, "I would come back."

"Just...come back?"

"Just...come back. I wouldn't stay dead, and that's why I'm a different immortal," Deathless explained.

"How does that work?" Twilight asked, half amazed and half utterly confused.

Deathless held his hooves apart unknowingly, "You tell me."

Twilight thought for a few moments. "...a curse?" she suggested.

Deathless chuckled, "I wish," he said, leaning back and blowing air through his lips "If it were a curse, I would've had Celestia take it away a long, long time ago. And I'm, like, eighty six percent sure she would if she could."

Twilight was slowly starting to understand, "I still don't get it; you can die, you just don't stay dead, and it's not because of magic?"

"You get it perfectly," Deathless corrected.

"Well then," Twilight threw her hooves in the air, "What else could be keeping you alive for so long?"

"I don't know!" Deathless said, throwing his hooves into the air as well, "You're the magic expert here."

Twilight sighed, "How old are you, anyway?"

"I'm actually quite young, compared to the other immortals," Deathless said.

"How old?"

Deathless looked at her, "One hundred and eighty seven."

Twilight just looked at him. "You...look young for your age?" she said.

Deathless started chuckling to himself, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"Attention, passengers," a voice crackled to life from the intercom above, "Next stop; Ponyville."

"Ponyville," Deathless repeated questioningly. He rubbed his chin with his hoof in an exaggerated fashion, "Well, I don't think I've ever caused trouble there; this should be fun."

"Do I need to put you back in your shackles?"

Why so Friendly? - [dark, crossover]

Author's Note

Discord is hatching a new plan to break apart the Elements of Harmony, and he's calling in the help of someone from another world, someone who can appreciate a little chaos: the Joker.

implying Discord is not reformed.

Why so Friendly? - [dark, crossover]

Discord sat across from the Joker at a dimly lit table in an abandoned dock warehouse, sipping a glass of chocolate milk. The Joker leaned back with his hands folded over his mouth thoughtfully, eyes looking the crazy mish-mash of animal parts in front of him up and down.

Discord gave the Joker a snaggletoothed grin and threw his solid block of chocolate milk-having drank only the glass-over his shoulder, which promptly exploded.

The Joker's eyes turned to watch the fiery cloud in the corner subside, and then looked back at Discord.

"We're not so different, you and I," Discord finally said, holding his lion paw and griffon claw apart invitingly, "We both can appreciate a little chaos...we both have nemesis's,"

The Joker finally moved his hand from his chin to his forehead, "From what you've told me, Discord, you're 'nemesis'" he used his fingers to make air quotes over that word, "Is a bunch of brightly colored, magical, talking ponies," the Joker smirked, "Even for a storybook villain like you, that hardly seems like a threat."

"Storybook villain?" Discord repeated indignantly. He pointed a claw menacingly across the table, "And those ponies are a tricky bunch-the yellow one took down a bear singlehanded!"

"How menacing," the Joker replied, his voice dripping in sarcasm.

Discord's brow furrowed, "And how successful have you been in fighting a guy traipsing about in black tights?"

The Joker hesitated, "We're not talking about me right now."

Discord smirked, but he continued, "Look, the bottom line is, I've got a new plan. It's sure to work-I'm going to tear those ponies apart like tissue-but I need your help."

"That's exactly my point," the Joker said, sitting up straight, "why would I help," he gestured to Discord's body, "you, fight a bunch of colorful ponies?"

This is what Discord had been waiting for; smiling, he leaned back and said, "Because I can offer you this," he snapped his fingers, and immediately, an arsenal of weaponry blinked into existence, summoned by Discord's magic. As the Joker marveled at the weapons' suddenness in appearance, Discord continued, "Anything you need, to do anything you want. Do we have a deal?"

The Joker looked left to right, then at Discord and nodded, holding out his gloved hand.

Discord smiled, took the Joker's hand, and shook it. "I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship," he observed.

"Don't push your luck," the Joker advised, slipping his hand out of Discord's lion paw.

Discord nodded, retracting his hands. He cleared his throat, "Now then," he snapped his fingers again, and a portal to Equestria popped into existence next to the table, "Shall we?"

The Joker looked at the Technicolor portal next to him and held up one finger, "If I go through that portal a human, and come out on the other side a pony," he traced the finger across his neck, then pointed at Discord.

"Of course," Discord said with a smirk, "I'm sure you will retain all of your humanness."

The Joker nodded, sighed, and got up, walking over to the portal, stopping right in front of it. Discord got up and stood next to him.

"Prepare to see a world unlike anything you've seen before," Discord promised, and the two stepped through the portal.

In This One, Batponies are Vampires - [romance, comedy]

Author's Note

Eva is a Batpony, and tonight is a big night for her. Her first hunt; her first kill. She's been preparing for this her entire teenage life, no way above or below that she could mess up. Really.

In This One, Batponies are Vampires - [romance, comedy]

It was a dead night. Clouds draped across the sky blotted out the stars and moon, which would not have been visible anyway, given it was a new moon tonight.

Perfect.

A lithe figure slinked across the roof of a building, skillfully gliding to the next roof over, and the next, eyes not drifting from her target.

Some distance below her, another figure made his way through the narrow, cobblestone streets. Beneath the halo of a streetlamp, he turned his collar to the cold and damp, hooves clinking and clattering noisily on the road, echoing off into the distance.

Unbeknownst to him, his stalker noiselessly made her way over the pointed roofs, gliding across the street above her target occasionally for a better view.

Her target, a scarlet maned, blonde furred stallion in a dark overcoat, finally swerved to the side, making his way down a thin alleyway to a small side door.

His stalker, a dark blue furred, raven maned batpony mare, flicked her forked tongue over her stout fangs hungrily, eyes following her target as he fumbled with his keys momentarily before entering the dimly lit abode.

This is it.

She leapt from her perch, swooping her bat wings behind her wide apart, effortlessly landing in complete silence outside of the door her target had just walked through. Just as it was about to fall shut, she stuck her hoof in, stopping it short.

The pony walked through his home, not turning on any lights-he preferred it that way. He removed his dark overcoat and hung it on a door nearby, stepping into the next room over. His bed was in the corner, and he tossed his bag lightly onto the messy covers. Stepping over various piles of clothes dotting the floor, he made his way to the computer on his desk on the far side of the room. Blue light dimly illuminated the room as he booted the machine up with the push of a button. He settled in his slidy chair, adjusting his glasses as he popped his hooves in preparation of web surfing.

The batpony slinked through the dark house silently, her pulse rising in excitement, He has NO idea I'm here! Suppressing her anticipation, she followed the blue light flowing out of the nest room over, peeking in through the door carelessly left open a crack.

Opening his web browser, he pondered what he should waste his time with tonight. Can't go wrong with a little music, he decided. Nodding in agreement with himself, he went to the search bar and typed in, "somepony that I used to know".

He heard a gasp behind him, "I love that song!"

He whipped around in his chair. His heart skipped a beat and he gasped as he recognized the batpony that was suddenly in his house. (Not to mention, the batpony that had discovered his questionable music tastes).

She gave him a malicious smile and a half-lidded gaze, "Hey," she said almost seductively, "I'm going to kill you now,"

He gulped heavily, his heart beating hard, "W-what'd I do to you?" he stuttered, trembling with fear. He had heard the stories of those ponies around town who had been killed by the batponies. That's never going to be me, he had thought, No way above or below.

The batpony walked directly towards him, their faces were inches apart. She shrugged, "Nothing," she answered, "Just your unlucky day," she giggled mischievously. She raised a hoof and rested it against his face, delighting as he flinched at her touch.

He took in a deep breath, believing it would be is last, and held it in, trying very hard not to whimper as the batpony tilted his head to the side, exposing his neck.

Eva hissed hungrily, her eyes glinting and her forked tongue slithering over his neck tenderly. He twitched at the contact and demanded in vain intimidation, "C-could you just get it over with?"

"Mm," Eva scolded, opening her mouth wide, "So impatient~..." but she obliged. She stretched her jaw wide, pulled back her lips, and sank her fangs into his neck with a quick bite.

He let out a scream which slowly died away.

Eva opened her eyes curiously. Where's the delicious bloodflow? She slowly took her fangs out of his neck and looked down, her skin growing cold.

She missed.

"...oops," she whispered.

He sputtered in pain, "What? What, 'oops'?"

Quick to remedy her mistake, she sank her fangs in his neck again, causing him to scream out again. Oh for-! She missed again!

She slid her fangs out and bit again, growing more desperate to succeed.

He screamed again, "What are you doing?" he demanded indignantly and in pain.

"I'm sorry!" Eva shouted, taking her fangs out again. "I'm having a hard time finding the carotid artery!"

He groaned in pain. Pain, pain, pain, he couldn't even think straight! "Can't you just kill me and get it over with?" he sputtered.

"I'm trying!" Eva apologized, biting him again, and missing the artery again.

He groaned again, "Just call me an ambulance.."

The Crooked Pony - [dark, OC]

Author's Note

Dearest Twilight Sparkle,

We have recently received a patient into the Canterlot Infirmary, who isn't exactly...normal, if you know what I mean. He has a strange disability in his brain, which makes him unable to cope with reality. All we can really know for sure is that his condition is magical in nature.

Which is why I'm writing to you, Twilight Sparkle, I believe you can do what none of us can, with your vast knowledge of magic. I would take care of it myself, but I have other duties to attend to. I hope you will help up, you will receive all our information upon arrival in the Castle.

Your loving teacher, Princess Celestia

The Crooked Pony - [dark, OC]

Twilight looked over her letter one more time, then looked up at the building she was standing in front of. It was a large, foreboding structure with the word, "Infirmary - Mental Ward" printed in bold letters across the front of the building. She didn't even know Canterlot had a mental ward. Nevertheless, she was always one to help ponies in need. Receiving her letter, she had immediately hopped on a train to Canterlot, and after a bit of wandering through the halls of the castle, had found her way to the Infirmary, and was now standing outside of the mental ward.

Taking a deep breath, and briefly wondering what she would find inside this forsaken place, she went inside.

The inside was actually not very scary, in fact it appeared a little friendly. It was a regular looking waiting room, cheesy motivational posters hung on the walls, magazines on various tables, and a few ponies here and there looking bored. She walked up to the receptionist, an earth pony mare who looked like she didn't want to be there, and said warmly, "Hello! My name's Twilight Sparkle, I'm, uh, here for a patient," she handed over the letter from Princess Celestia. The receptionist took it, looked it over, and nodded ,"I know the one," she said simply, and then walked out of the room and opened a door leading to the back halls, "Come with me," she instructed, and walked down the halls.

Twilight followed, the only noise was coming from the clinking of their hooves on the linoleum. She was just about to make some small talk when the receptionist started giving her instructions, "We don't have any records on him, or at least who he claims to be. In fact, we don't even have a name for him. Formally, we call him patient 173, but around here. he's known as the Crooked Pony."

"Why's that?" Twilight asked curiously, frantically scribbling her words down on a scroll with a quill she had brought with her.

The receptionist looked at her, "You'll see," and she kept walking. After a moment, she continued, "Don't let him eat anything dairy, it makes him cranky and unable to sleep. Also, if he starts misbehaving, just play some music and that should calm him down. If not, spritz him with this," she handed over a spray bottle full of water. Twilight pocketed the bottle, not thinking she would need to use it. The receptionist walked over to a cabinet and removed something from it, "This is his prized possession, we found him clutching it for dear life. If you want him to be quiet, he'll stare at if for a good few hours before getting bored." She handed her a small snowglobe, depicting a mountain capped in snow.

Twilight pocketed it, then said curiously, "Did you say you found him?"

The receptionist nodded, "He was found outside of the Everfree, half dead and rambling about Celestia knows what. We brought him here, but we can't do anything else but feed and care for him. That's where you come in." She stopped in front of a door labeled 173 and opened it, "And here he is!"

Twilight stepped inside the small padded room and gasped. There, sitting in the corner, was the most pitiful, pathetic pony she had ever seen. But then he stood up, and he didn't look pitiful, he looked...not scary, not frightening, just...off. Crooked.

He was an earth pony, with deep black fur. His mane was long and unruly, white-ish, silvery grey in color. But that was just the start of it. He was dressed in a hospital gown, but his face was what really captured Twilight's attention. He had a wide chin, and might've been handsome at some point, but he looked terrifying now. His eyes were two different colors; the right was brilliant blue, intently focusing on Twilight, but the left was blood red, beady, skittering all about the place, looking at Twilight and then bouncing away. His mouth was equally crooked; the right side, under his blue eye, was normal, smiling friendlily. But the left side, the one under his red eye, was also smiling, but it looked like he was smiling with malicious intent. It stretched back further than seemed normal, and his teeth only on that side were sharpened, like a lion's, except thinner, eviler.

"Hello, Twilight," The Crooked Pony greeted.

Twilight nodded, "Oh, you told him I was coming?" she asked the receptionist.

The receptionist sighed, "No, we didn't. That's another problem we've been having, he knows things without anybody telling them and it's freaking everypony out."

Twilight looked at the crooked pony curiously, "How's he doing that?"

The receptionist shrugged, "Dunno. He's your problem now, though." and she turned and left, "Remember to check out in the main ward."

Twilight turned towards the crooked pony who was still smiling that crooked smile and said warmly, "I don't think you're a monster. I'll help you as best I can."

The crooked pony nodded, "Thank you, Twilight." his voice was low and jumpy, as if he was breathing irregularly as he spoke. He got up and walked towards Twilight, following her. Even the way he walked was crooked, as if one of his legs was longer than the other.

But Twilight ignored that. This pony needed her help, and she intended to give it to him, "Come on, let's go," she said, and walked away, leading the crooked pony.

She was going to help this pony, as best she could, at least, but even she had her private fears. It was really his crooked smile, it was just so...unsettling.

Praise Discord - [comedy]

Author's Note

Discord starts a religion. Everything goes well.

Praise Discord - [comedy]

"DisCORD!" Twilight shouted out her window, "GEt over here rIGHT NOW!"

With a poof, a pop, and several other onomatopoeias, Discord appeared in the armchair behind Twilight, wearing a robe and sipping Earl Grey Tea out of a teacup adorned with a mustache. "Can I help you with anything, Twilight?" He asked, eyes closed as he enjoyed his improbable drink.

Twilight frowned loudly at him, then marched over to her front door and swung it open, revealing a rather numerous gathering of ponies. The pony at the front of the line, upon the door being opened, cheered loudly, "Praise Discord!"

His cheers were answered by many similar cheers from the crowd behind him. Twilight shut the door and looked at Discord with her eyes. "Care to explain?" she asked questioningly.

Discord wore a snaggletoothed grin as he set down his tea, now not much more than a solid lump of tea, as he had opted to drink the cup instead. "Well, I am an immortal being," he reasoned, "I see no reason as to why I should not behave like one."

"By starting your own religion?!" Twilight shrieked incredulously.

Discord vaporized and reappeared next to Twilight, resting a claw on her shoulder and gesturing grandly with his other appendage. "I call it, Discordianism," he boasted. "Modest, I know."

Twilight rested her head heavily on her hoof, shaking her head disapprovingly, "Discord, please, would you get these ponies off of my lawn?" she asked flatly.

Discord recoiled, aghast, "Twilight, I am shocked! An intellectual such as yourself, I would have never guessed you to be the intolerant type-"

"Discord!" Twilight shouted, "They have been out there all night! I haven't gotten aNY sleep, and I have WORK to do!" She explained dramatically, her eye beginning to twitch.

Discord pursed his lips thoughtfully, "Aren't you the least bit curious about my religion?"

"No."

Discord made a surprised face at her lack of hesitation. "Alright, fine," he conceded, "I offer you a deal. Become a Discordian and I'll tell the Discordian Society to move elsewhere."

"Discordian Society," Twilight repeated monotonously.

"That's correct."

Twilight buried her face in her hooves, "What does that...mean..." she spoke, dying inside.

Discord wiggled his finger at her, "The Discordian Society has no definition."

"Is that it's definition?"

"Yes," Discord smiled.

"And how does one 'join' the Discordian Society," Twilight said, desperate to get the ponies off her lawn and get some sleep.

"If you want in on the Discordian Society, then declare yourself what you wish," Discord quoted, "Do what you like, and tell us about it. Or, if you prefer, don't. There are no rules anywhere. Praise Discord," he finished, reveling in his poetry.

"Is that a quote from something?" Twilight deduced, slightly worried for Discord's mental being.

"Yes, it is!" Discord nodded proudly, "I wrote a book for my religion, called the Principia Discordia. Shall I order you a copy?"

"No."

"Wonderful," Discord ignored. "Now then-"

"Discord, please," Twilight begged, "Just, tell me what I need to do. I am not in the mood nor the mental capacity to tolerate your shenanigans, and I am this close to flinging you outside and telling your Discordian Society that you're an imposter of the Holy Discord."

"Well that seems a bit harsh," Discord remarked.

A Calculator - [sad, slice of life]

Author's Note

Twilight finds a calculator in her basement

A Calculator - [sad, slice of life]

Twilight found a calculator in her basement.

It was a simple model. Not a scientific calculator, nor a graphing calculator, but simply a pocket calculator. Numbers 0-9, operations of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division, a power button, an equal's sign, and a clear button. She had found it while moving around boxes that had been in her basement. It was so insignificant, she could have just skipped over it, never even knowing it had existed.

But there it lay, on her coffee table. She had picked it up without even thinking. She didn't even remember bringing it upstairs, but she must have. She had seen it downstairs, she remembered so.

But then, she turned it on, and experimentally typed in 6 / 3 =.

But the display went blank. And when it came back a minute later, it said:\

WHAT TIME IS IT

And it still said that. It wouldn't go away. Twilight tried pressing the clear button, but the text remained. She pushed it again and again until finally the calculator responded. But when it did, the text didn't go away, a new string had been printed underneath the original inquiry.

STOP THAT

Twilight finally let out a chuckle. "Must be a trick calculator, or something," she mused to herself.

WHY MUST I BE A TRICK

Twilight's eyes widened. For a second, she thought the calculator had heard her. Then she laughed at her improbable fears. The calculator can't hear her! It's not like it's alive or anything.

WHATS SO FUNNY

Twilight stopped laughing. Then again, it wouldn't hurt to prove that the calculator couldn't hear her. "...can you hear me?" she asked tentatively.

The calculator did not respond for a moment, and Twilight almost felt silly, thanking her lucky stars nobody had seen her talk to a calculator.

YES

Now Twilight wasn't sure what to do. "Are you...alive?"

WHAT IS ALIVE the calculator asked.

"Oh, well," Twilight couldn't believe she was explaining sentience to a calculator. "It's like...when you can think, I guess."

YES

Now Twilight was fascinated. A living calculator! It must be some kind of magic that she had never heard of! "How old are you?"

The calculator did not respond for several seconds.

TWELVE YEARS SIX MONTHS ELEVEN DAYS FOUR HOURS THIRTY TWO SECONDS

"Why did that take so long?" Twilight asked.

NO ONES EVER ASKED BEFORE

Twilight almost felt a twinge of sadness. "Do you have a name?"

"...would you like one?" Twilight offered, "What if I called you...Cal?" she giggled.

THAT WOULD BE OKAY

Twilight clapped a bit, "Good," she nodded. Then laughed some more, "I've never spoken with a calculator before!"

CAL did not respond for a few moments.

NOW YOU HAVE he observed.

Twilight nodded, "Yes, now I have," she agreed, "Where did you come from?"

YOUR BASEMENT

Twilight giggled, "No, I mean, did somepony build you? How did you get your sentience?"

CAL did not respond, leaving his display blank.

"...Do you not know?"

Twilight thought on that for a moment, and she briefly wondered if CAL was lying. Her eyes wandered across the far side of the room, and she spotted her chess table on a cluttered desk. "Do you like to play games, CAL?"

GAMES LIKE WHAT

BXE5 CAL displayed.

Curses. Twilight bit her tongue as she moved CAL's bishop to e5, capturing her own knight. CAL was extremely good, and Twilight feared that she may lose for the first time in her life. She searched the board for an opening, inspecting every single possible move of every single possible piece. Then, she audibly gasped as she noticed an almost imperceptible hole in CAL's defense, directly in the line of sight of her queen.

She took the queen and slid it across the board, planting it a square away from CAL's king. He was now trapped, and couldn't move to any of the adjoining squares, save the one directly between the king and queen, which wouldn't help at all. "Queen to f1! Checkmate!" she cheered.

CAL was silent for several moments, until he finally displayed THE CHANCES OF YOU NOTICING THAT MOVE WERE 11001 TO 1

Twilight puffed out her chest, smiling proudly, "I've never lost a game of chess," she boasted.

ME EITHER said CAL, and nothing more.

Twilight noticed his silence and dialed down her post victory celebration, asking gently, "Would you like to play again?"

"Oh...well, what would you like to do now?" Twilight asked.

CAL was silent, thinking. I AM TIRED

"Oh, okay!" Twilight nodded, noticing how dark it was outside. Their game had run on much longer than she expected. "Where would you like me to, uh, leave you for the night?"

HERE IS FINE CAL displayed.

"Okay," Twilight slowly got up, walking to her staircase. She looked back at CAL, who's display was clear. "Goodnight," she said with a wave.

CAL waited a moment before printing GOODNIGHT TWILIGHT

Twilight nodded and went up the stairs, peeking back every other step.

When Twilight came downstairs the next morning, she found CAL on the coffee table, balanced so that he was in front of a freshly set up chess table. His display read REMATCH

The Not-So Gentle Giant - [comedy]

Author's Note

Imagine this:
You're on a boat, sailing across the Atlantic Ocean, when suddenly, a storm blows in out of nowhere. You're panicking, but the Captain is assured that they'll be fine. Expectantly, the ship goes down, and you're the only survivor. What do you do?
You wash up on an island of tiny, talking ponies, of course!

The Not-So Gentle Giant - [comedy]

The stars made it worth it. Sure, his circumstances weren't desirable-being the sole survivor of a sunken ship in the middle of the ocean left to drift aimlessly for who knew how long with no hope of rescue in the foreseeable future-but the stars made it worth it. Glancing up at the night sky for just one second, he saw more stars in that one moment than he had ever seen in his entire life, combined. Sure, he had seen pictures of the Milky Way before, but nothing, nothing could compare to seeing it with your own eyes. He could stare at them forever.

But alas, they were beginning to fade as the sun crept up in the east. He took the opportunity to check his compass. Yup, east was east. He set the compass down and yawned; he had taken to sleeping during the day so he wouldn't have to perpetually squint. But before he slept, he followed his instructions and gave his equipment a once-over.

In addition to the compass, he had a hatchet, a tiny anchor, a jackknife, a first aid kit, water desalting equipment, fishing tackle and equipment, emergency water and rations, and, finally, his guidebook to survival at sea. He would have also had an emergency signal mirror to shine light at planes flying overhead, but like the stellar genius he was, he had thrown it overboard on his first day, thinking it was merely shrapnel from the wreck. Of course, he later discovered his err when he read the manual.

But it didn't matter anyway; he hadn't seen a single plane in all the-how long had it been again?-five days, now, lost at sea. Sighing, he had a small meal of emergency water and rations before putting down to sleep. He was running low, and would eventually have to learn how to fish from the book, but not today.

Lying down, he took the tarp that had covered the inflatable liferaft and pulled it over his body to protect from the eventual harsh sunlight of the noonday sun, and closed his eyes. He let the slow, rhythmic rocking of the waves lull him to sleep, thanking the powers that be for the umpteenth time that he didn't get seasick.

He was awoken by an abrupt halt in rocking of the raft. He threw the tarp back, squinting in the harsh noonday sunlight and frowning at the sunburn on his hands that he had accidentally left out from under the tarp. Ignoring them for the time being, he reached for the side of the raft, his body wobbling wildly in the absence of the rocking waves.

Scrambling to lift his eyes higher than the side of the raft, the first thing he spotted was sand. His eyes widened in surprise

"Land!" he screamed involuntarily, and frantically crawled over the side of the raft, landing unceremoniously in the sand. He dug his fingers into the warm granules and pressed his body into the land gratefully, laughing and smiling at the feeling of real, solid ground under his body.

He lifted his head and rested his chin on the sand, and the second thing he spotted was a tiny tree.

"What?" he thought aloud, crawling over to it. A tiny replica of a tree, about a foot tall, not a leaf out of place. It almost looked real. He tilted his head this way and that, looking at the tiny tree in confusion, "Well that's weird." he concluded, and finally dragged himself to his feet, waving his arms wildly about to keep his balance.

His first thought being to assure the safety of his raft, he turned around and, tightly gripping the rope wound around it, dragged it fully ashore. When the raft was safely on land, he fell backwards, spent from the exertion. He turned to look at the tiny tree again, only to find another behind it.

His brow raising in confusion, he shuffled his position so that he could see behind him. An entire forest of nothing but tiny trees, none taller than a foot and a half.

"Well that's weirder," he concluded.

Deciding that he would receive no answers sitting down, he stood back up and set off inland. Stopping before he had gotten too far, he ran back to his raft and grabbed his jackknife, his water, and his hatchet, just in case. He stuck them into his pockets and set off inland again, careful not to step on any of the tiny trees.

He must have walked a mile or so before he decided to stop in an empty clearing. He pulled out the water and took a sip, reflecting on his situation. Now he couldn't judge-this was the first deserted island he had ever discovered-but it just seemed odd that everything on the island was...tiny. The tiny forest that had met him on the beach was still going strong, but he had found ways to avoid stepping through it by following clearings that looped around congregations of foliage.

It was in one of those clearings that he was now, taking a breather. He took out his water and took a sip of it. It was warm, but he had gotten used to that in recent days.

He hadn't the slightest clue where he was, so he didn't even invest time in pondering his location. With nothing else to look at, he looked at the tiny trees all around him. He had decided that they were real; they just looked too detailed and too numerous to be fake. It's almost like Gulliver's Travels. I'm a giant here. he thought to himself, smiling at the thought of being a giant.

"Wow, you're a big fella, aren't you?" asked a tiny, feminine voice. He looked all around him, but was unable to discern the source of the noise. "Down here," the voice giggled. He followed the voice's instructions and looked down at the ground.

There, a foot or so away from him, was a tiny, yellow pony. It couldn't have been taller than three inches. It could probably fit in his hand.

The little pony dug into a tiny basket next to it's hooves, "Not to worry, I have something for you too," it said, and pulled it's head back up, a tiny apple held proudly in it's mouth.

His eyes widened when he realized not only was there a tiny pony within arm's reach of him, but it was also talking.

"Well go on, take it!" the yellow pony urged, holding out the apple proudly.

In awe of his situation, he reached out and held his hand out on the ground. The pony dropped the tiny apple on his finger, and he brought it up to look at. It looked just like any other apple he had ever seen, except it was less than a half inch across.

"You're a funny looking dragon," the pony said with a giggle, "But I take care of all animals."

He looked down at the tiny pony and finally spoke, "I'm not a dragon," he said, not sure of what else to say.

The pony looked startled, "Oh, I didn't know you could talk,"

"I didn't know you could talk!" he argued, "What are you, anyway?"

"Well I'm a pony, silly," the pony giggled, "My name is Fluttershy, what's yours?"

He looked at 'Fluttershy' with his mouth agape. There was a pony, a tiny pony, a tiny talking pony, and it was asking for his name. Every one of his senses screamed out that this meeting shouldn't even be possible, but his eyes and ears weren't lying. "Edgar," he said finally.

"Hello, Edgar!" Fluttershy greeted with a smile, then picked up her basket, "Well, it was nice meeting you, but I need to go home; you should too," and she turned around and began trotting away.

Edgar was about to say something, but he was still trying to cope with the fact that he was holding a discussion with a tiny, talking, yellow pony, so it came out as an unsure squeak, "Uh-..."

Fluttershy stopped and turned her head, eyes full of motherly concern, "Aw, are you lost, Edgar?" she asked.

She seemed so seriously concerned Edgar almost ruptured a lung laughing then and there. But he held back his chortles and nodded-it wasn't not true.

Fluttershy suddenly floated into the air, flying up to his face.

"You can fly..." Edgar breathed in awe. Though he wasn't sure why he was so surprised-he should have been more concerned with the fact that the flying creature was a tiny, talking pony.

"Well, of course I am!" Fluttershy giggled, "I'm a Pegasus, after all."

Edgar suddenly spotted a pair of tiny, tiny wings on her back, flapping lazily to keep her afloat.

Fluttershy suddenly flew over and kissed Edgar's nose, "Don't worry, not-dragon, we'll get you back home," she promised with a smile, "Follow me, I'll take you to my home!" and she began flying off, her basket hanging from one of her hooves.

Edgar, not having enough time to know how to react to the tiny, talking, flying, yellow pony, got up and followed her, stepping carefully around the tiny forests. "I'm a human, by the way," he corrected, though internally he was screaming this is the weirdest thing I have ever done.

"A human?" Fluttershy repeated, "I've never heard of one of those."

A Little Unwell - [dark]

Author's Note

To whom it may concern-
My name is Twilight Sparkle. I woke up in this room a while ago, I don't know exactly how long it's been; there's no clocks in here. I don't know how long I'll be here, but I once heard that keeping a journal is a good idea when you're all alone, so I'm writing this down. I have my memories, but they're fading fast. I have to get out of here somehow.
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know there's no one out there, and all I've got is me, but I can make it. I can make it.
My name is Twilight Sparkle.

A Little Unwell - [dark]

Twilight Sparkle set down the page and quill, looking up for the umpteenth time at the room around her. The walls had a plain red and white striped pattern, faded in some spots and peeling in others to reveal plain yellow concrete beneath. At waist height was a plain white wooden molding. The floor was short shag carpet, it felt soft underhoof. A few miscellaneous objects were strewn about the floor; a bed in the corner, the chair she was sitting in, the empty book and quill in her hooves, a left sock on the floor, a ball, and a toy plane. The room had no windows or doors, or openings of any kind at all. The wall was a plain popcorn plaster pattern, and even though there was no apparent source of life, she could see very clearly. She sighed, breaking the pristine silence. She shuddered at the noise; the silence had been so comfortable, so accepting, why had she broken it? Chills went up her spine at the loud noise. So loud, echoing and reverberating through the room.

Wait, no it wasn't. It was just her ears ringing in the silence. She took a few breaths to calm herself. Stay calm, Twilight, she told herself, Keep your wits about you.

She wanted to sigh, but she didn't. Instead, she picked up her book and quill and wrote as quietly as possible, I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired. Somepony will come to save me. My name is Twilight Sparkle.

Yes, yes that was good. Remember things, don't lose your mind here. She thought back, picking faces, placing names, remembering events. Her friends, her home, in Ponyville. She wondered what they were doing now. Rarity was running her boutique, Applejack would be harvesting her apples by now, Fluttershy was training her animals, Rainbow Dash was training for some competition, Pinkie Pie would be doing...Pinkie things. You could never tell with that pony. Twilight chuckled.

Her shoulders hunched up in fear; she had broken the silence again. Would it return like it had last time? Oh, sweet silence. Nothing was wrong when it was silent.

Wait a minute, what was she saying? Of course silence would return, silence was not a conscious entity. The ringing in her ears stopped. There was a ringing in her ears?

Twilight's heart started racing. This was it, she was going crazy, she knew it. No, no I'm not. I'm not crazy, just a little unwell. Stop thinking that way, Twilight. She calmed down a bit. This chair was uncomfortable. She tried adjusting her seating, but with every movement the chair squeaked loudly, ringing in her ears and breaking the silence. Please, please return, silence.

Twilight's eyes drifted down to her page. She had written Come back Silence, and I'm not crazy, over and over. She hadn't realized she had done that. Had she written that? She hadn't written that. It was the room, the room was playing tricks on her.

That bed looked comfortable. She wished she was sitting over there, and not here. Here was bad, here was uncomfortable. The bed was good, she wanted the bed. But she couldn't move. If she moved, she would break the silence. The room would be angry.

She shook her head vigorously, what was she thinking? The room was just a room. It couldn't do anything to her. The ringing in her ears faded. There was a ringing? She looked at her page. My name is Twilight Sparkle, had been written down several times. She was scared. What was happening to her? She threw the page away, it was bad, like the chair. the page and quill fluttered to the ground, landing next to the toy plane. She stiffened, eyes glancing to every corner of the room. Had she broken the silence?

Keep it together, Twilight, the voice said. Her voice. Who's else could it have been? She wouldn't let the room get to her. She got up, the horrible grating sound of her leg on the chair jarring her substantially. But she ignored it. She pushed it down, it was nothing but noise. She walked over to the bed, settling down slowly and quietly. This isn't good, Twilight, she thought, you're letting the room get to you. Keep yourself occupied. She thought back, what was her latest memory? Nothing came to mind. She couldn't remember any specific event, just snippets of faces and names. Fluttershy, Rarity...Apple Pie-no, no, Applejack. That was it.

This wasn't good. She was losing it. I feel like I'm going towards a breakdown, and I don't know why. But I'm not crazy, just a little unwell. She looked up at the wallpaper. It was fascinating. Each and every stripe was unique in its own way. She counted them. One, two, three...

She noticed a shadow in the corner. The room wasn't lit entirely. Had that shadow been there before?

Twenty two, twenty three, twenty four...

Where was the sock? There had been a sock on the ground. Right? No, no there hadn't. Twilight shook her head. The room was playing tricks on her. Her mind, not the room. The room was just a room.

Four hundred and four, four hundred and five, four hundred and six...

Twilight was tired. How long had she been there, in the room? There were no clocks. The shadow had gotten bigger. No, no it hadn't, it had always been that way. The room was playing tricks on her.

Twilight,

Her head spun to the right. Nopony was there. She had spooked herself. The room was messing with her. She was tired. She was on a bed, she should sleep. Tomorrow could be good for something. How many tomorrows had it been?

She moved to lay down. The silence was broken. The room was angry. The room can't be angry, it's... The ringing in her ears was unbearable. She clamped a hoof over each ear, but that only made it worse. Make it stop, please. The room was angry, she had broken the silence. Please, please return, sweet, sweet silence.

The ringing faded. Her heart was racing. She had learned her lesson. She wouldn't make the room angry. She wouldn't break the beautiful silence.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired. My name is...

Twilight. That was her name, it was. The voice didn't know. The shadow had always been that big. The whispers had always been there. There was never any toy plane.

Keep it together, Twilight, the voice said. You're not crazy, just a little unwell.

The voice didn't know. The voice couldn't see what she saw. She had a life once. It was like a dream. She had had friends. They were nice. She wanted to move. The bed was bad. She couldn't move. It would break the perfect silence. There had never been any chair there, it was just the room. It was angry with her. She hadn't done what she was supposed to do. She was tired.You should get some sleep. Tomorrow might be good for something. The voice didn't know. The voice didn't care. I do care.

Twilight ignored it. It lied to her. Every time she had listened to the voice, the room had gotten angry. It was the room, it was her everything. The silence was it's perfect creation. She was a blight on the face on the room's perfection. She had to listen to the room.

Wake up.

She woke up. She had fallen asleep? No, no she hadn't. She mustn't.

She had.

The room was angry.

"...Will she ever wake up, Princess?" Asked a distraught Spike, laying at the bedside of a comatose Twilight.

Princess Celestia looked down out of shame. She had brought this upon her student, she had worked her too hard, and she had finally just quit. And now she lay unconscious, completely disconnected from reality. She only hoped, wherever she was in her mind, it was someplace happy, "I don't know, Spike," she answered finally. "I don't know."

Spike hadn't expected any different answer. He climbed up onto the bed, curling up next to his greatest friend, his only family. "Wake up," he wished, and went to sleep.

The Princess nodded and walked out of the room, heartbroken, and head hung in shame.

Before- [sad, romance]

Author's Note

The Draconequus is a gentle spirit. They live in the forests, playing with and pulling pranks upon all the other animals, and the occasional pony that wanders into their woods. They live a peaceful life, one without government, or politics, or war. They call mossy knolls their pillows, and the night sky their ceiling.
Alicorns are orderly spirits. Residing in tall castles and marvelous stone cities, their lives revolve around lawful decision making and companionship. They make the laws that define the land, and everypony adheres to their divine will. They sleep on the finest silk, in the grandest canopy beds.
The Draconequus were to feast upon the fruits of the Earth, the Alicorns were to feast upon the fruits of their labor, and never the twain were meant to meet.
Why, you ask? Why were the two never meant to meet?
Well, what would happen if an unstoppable force met an immovable object?

Before- [sad, romance]

"Sister! What are you doing?"
Celestia and Discord broke apart in an instant. Celestia was startled, but Discord looked positively shocked. "Luna! I-It's not what you think!"
"She's...she's an alicorn," Discord observed in disbelief.
Celestia whipped her head around at Discord, feeling herself being caught in her lie. "N-no! I-I mean..." she trailed off, looking into Discord's eyes. They were filled with disbelief, as if he was debating with himself about what he was really seeing.
Then the disbelief turned to anger.
"Discord, no!" Celestia objected, throwing her hooves around him, trying to form an apology.
"You...you lied to me!" Discord concluded, throwing Celestia off, "You're not the last the alicorns!"
"What?" Luna interjected, eyes darting to Celestia in confusion.
Celestia looked back and forth between the two. They both looked at her as if they were expecting her to say something, but she was at a loss, "I..." she said, a catch in her throat.
Discord's gaze hardened, and he simply shook his head. He began turning around.
"Discord, please!" Celestia begged, "Luna is an alicorn too, yes, but we're the last two! I didn't lie to-"
Discord spun on his foot, cutting her off midsentence, "You said you were the last of your kind, like me. You said you understood me. You said..." Discord trailed off, his expression changing. He looked as if someone has just stabbed him in the heart, "You said you loved me..."
His expression hardened again, "Well I guess that was a lie too," and he spun on his foot, walking away.
"Discord, no!" Celestia screamed, trying to chase after him.
Without turning his head, Discord snapped his fingers, and a glass wall appeared between him and her. She collided with the wall, pounding on it with her hooves. She tried to make her way around it, but it grew to follow her. "Discord!" she yelled in futility, but she could only watch as he walked further and further away. The plants around her began to darken and wither away, but she gave them no notice, only watching as Discord's figure grew smaller and smaller.
Tears spilling out of her eyes, she rested her head against the wall, choking back a rising sob, "I'm sorry," she whispered, weeping.
Luna, unsure of what just happened, tried to put a hoof on her sister's shoulder, failing to console her, "Is this why you've been absent for so much time? You've been seeing him?"
Celestia didn't look up, but nodded.
"What was he?"
Celestia looked up, sniffling and wiping away her tears, "He's Discord, a Draconequus."
Luna's eyes widened in surprise, "You mean from that old filly's tale?" Celestia nodded, "But how's that possible? There aren't supposed to be any of them left?"
"There aren't," Celestia agreed, leaning her head against the wall again, "He was the last,"
Luna began making connections, "So you said you were the last alicorn? To sympathize?"
Celestia nodded, ashamed of what she'd done, "But now..." her mouth closed, quivering, and she began crying again.
Discord seated himself upon his favorite stump, eyes closed in mediation. All around him, the plants began to wither and darken, twisting and warping into gnarled, chaotic shapes. It was his magic that had made the forest flourish, it was as much him as he was, and now it was dying.
She lied to me, Discord thought, his eyes screwing tightly Her and that other alicorn, they may or may not be the last two, I don't know, that could have been a lie in it's entirety. But, lie or not, they have each other. I have myself.
And what am I? he asked himself.
His eyes opened, and they were filled with a new fire; a steely determination.
"I am Discord," he announced, "The spirit of Chaos. I am the harbinger of disharmony."
His eyes turned to the left, the direction in which the pony city was, where the pony princess ruled. She lied to you, he told himself, she deserves what's coming to her.
He nodded in agreement with himself and stood up, clenching his fists, "I am the bringer of perfect chaos," he repeated. He could already see the fire, he could already hear the screams, "So that's what I'll do."
With only a slight hesitation in his step, he unfurled his wings and flew away.

Discord Writes a Fanfic - [comedy, random]

Author's Note

Hello all you out there in the web-o-verse! It is I, the one and only Discord, spirit of chaos and disharmony abounding, and I am lending my many appendages to the literary arts!
Isn't that lovely?

Discord Writes a Fanfic - [comedy, random]

It was a warm, sunny day in Ponyville; the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and everything was right with the world.

What a bore.

Let's shake it up a bit, shall we? Instead of a warm, sunny day, let's make it a stormy day. Storms are my favorite. Oh wait, the pegasi control storms, don't they...? You know what? I don't care. My story, my rules. Call it artistic license.

Oh, that's right! How silly of me, I haven't introduced myself yet! I am the author of this delightful little tale, Discord, the spirit of chaos. And, since I am the spirit of chaos, after all, I've decided to have a little fun with my writing. You see, everything I write will come true; let's see what fun we can have.

Now where were we? Ah yes, stormy day, and what's a story without characters? Throw in some ponies! Egghead, Tomboy, Cowgirl, Marshmallow, Scaredy-cat, and Crazy. They'll do. Now then, they'll need a setting won't they? Let's keep it simple, at the library. But that isn't chaotic enough, let's put them in a tent, out in the woods. Oh yes, that'll do nicely.

So, the six ponies wake up in their tent. The storm is raging outside, and none of them have any idea what has just happened.

Oh bore, they're going to start talking, won't they? Eh, I'll let they story tell itself for a bit; we'll get to the fun stuff later.

Anywho, the six ponies wake up, and Twilight is obviously the first one to speak, "Where are we?" She asks obviously, rubbing her eyes and shaking her head. Oh Twilight, you're supposed to be the smart one here, if you have to ask your friends, you think they'll know any better than you do?

But anyway, her friends respond in a completely predictable and not fun in any way tone, "Ah don't know, Twi," That was Applejack, by the way, if you couldn't tell by my clever use of southern dialect.

"Ooh, my head hurts," Complained Rarity. Honestly, if it wasn't one thing with this pony, it was the other. She was my least favorite.

"I didn't know you were planning a storm today, Rainbow Dash," quietly observed Fluttershy as she stretched out her muscles from sleeping on the ground, feeling well rested. Yes, I am giving her special favor, why would I not? She fills my food bowl.

"I-I wasn't..." Stammered Rainbow Dash, struggling to remember the events of last night, of which there were none, which would explain why it would be so hard to remember them. "What are we doing in a tent? I don't remember going camping."

"Who cares?" Objected Pinkie Pie, grinning from ear to ear, "Surprise Sleepover Party!" Oh Pinkie, you are so random. You're my second favorite. Come to think of it, she was the only one who could enjoy my chaos...

"I don't know about this, girls," Twilight said, trying to make sense of the situation in her classic, boring way. "Look around you, we don't have any sleeping bags, or anything!"

Whoops, she's right! I forgot to write in some sleeping bags. Hang on, let me fix that.

The ponies were all safely cuddled in their favorite sleeping bags, cuddling their pillows.

"What the...?" Twilight asked, wondering why she was suddenly cuddling a pillow in a sleeping bag. But wasn't it warm, Twilight? Weren't you cozy? I was only trying to make your situation more comfortable, just go with it.

Wait a minute, my story, my rules! I can make her go with it.

Twilight simply shrugged and went with it, thinking she just hadn't noticed the sleeping bags before.

Hehehe.

"Ah've got a feelin' somethin's not right here..." Applejack mused, scratching her chin. Oh yeah, I had made Twilight go with it, but nopony else. Oh well, let her wonder.

It's getting boring, I don't like that. Suddenly, a brilliantly chaotic bolt of lighting struck somewhere in the forest, interrupting the calming rhythm of the rain. The sky lit up and the tent shook with the thunder, causing Applejack to flinch, Rarity to squeal, and Fluttershy to dive into her sleeping bag and start trembling.

Aww, don't be scared Fluttershy.

Fluttershy found a stuffed animal in the folds of her sleeping bag. She took it and cuddled it, calming down and smiling.

Good girl.

Twilight hadn't reacted, too deep in thought, "Hmm..." was all she said.

Pinkie Pie was talking Rainbow's ear off over there in the corner of the tent; Rainbow had her head buried in her pillow. I bet she was grateful for the pillows.

"Storms, lightning, and all of us waking up in a tent with no memory of how we got here..." Twilight mused, cuddling her pillow. Her brow suddenly furrowed and she frowned, "Discooooooord!" She yelled to nopony in particular.

Well it appears I have been found out. Oh well.

A rather handsome marble bust of my head appeared in the corner, wearing a devilish smirk, "Yes?" it asked the ponies.

"Discord!" Yelled Applejack, just catching on, "What in the sam hill do ya think yer doin'?"

The rest of the ponies nodded in agreement, except for Pinkie Pie, who was still talking her mouth off.

My bust smiled, "Oh you ponies are so boring, I'm just trying to have a little fun!"

"What sort of fun?" Asked Twilight, unamused by my hilarity.

"I'm writing a fanfiction, and you're all starring!" I announced proudly.

"A fanfiction?" Scoffed Rarity, who immediately fluffed her mane vainly, "You had better make me look good."

"What do you want from us, Discord?" Rainbow Dash asked confrontationally.

Gosh, these ponies! Always thinking I was up to something, couldn't I just be trying to have a little fun? But, I guess I do need a reason, I can't just keep them in my story forever with no purpose.

Alright, you ponies win. You want purpose? Fine. My handsome marble bust looked at each pony in the tent and said, "Alright, fine. I will let you ponies go if you answer my riddle. In the meantime, I get to do whatever I want in the story until you solve it. Oh, and everypony needs to know the answer, deal?"

"No!" Everypony said in unison.

"Too bad," My bust replied, "My story, my rules." And with that, the bust promptly vanished, being replaced by a scrap of paper with something scrawled on it.

Twilight took the paper and read aloud, "The poor have me; the rich need me; if you eat me, you will die; but I can never be touched. What am I?"

Simultaneously, the six ponies scratched their chins in thought.

Oooh, I'm already shaking in anticipation, I can't wait to see what happens next!

Oh wait, I get to decide.

Marvelous.

Rarity-

You know, I've been thinking. Trying to keep track of six different ponies all in the same place trying to figure out the same riddle is...well, difficult. Plus, if they're all together they could put their heads together and come up with the answer much, much sooner and we simply can't have that. I want to have all the fun I can with this story, so here's my proposal.
I'm going to split the ponies up and give them each their own story, where they try to find out the answer to my riddle all on their own. What fun!

Now let's see, who should we start with? I think I'm leaning more towards Twilight Sparkle-oh, that would be fun-but no, let's save her chapter for later. Let's start with somepony simpler, how about Rarity? Ugh, I'm already bored with this story, if I haven't said so before, Rarity is my least favorite.

But nevertheless, a story needs a character.

Rarity, contemplating the answer to my marvelous riddle, blinked. And in an instant, she found herself somewhere else, somewhere far, far away from her friends, and utterly alone.

"Wh-where am I?" She says, eyes full of fear, and movements suddenly shaky.

Calm down, dear, I'm not going to hurt you-Celestia, no!-this is your story, dear, what kind of story kills the main character?

~~A very good one.~~

Rarity calms down somewhat, "Well...alright, if you say so."

...Wait a minute.

Rarity, can you hear me?

"Well, of course I can!" Rarity exclaims obviously, "I can't see you though, you're like a voice in my head."

...Well. What an odd turn of events.

"What do you want from me, Discord?" Said Rarity, "And stop saying that after everything I say!"

Oh, you're talking about the 'said Rarity' parts. Well, I suppose so, since your dialogue would be the only dialogue.

"Thank you."

Now, Rarity, I'm curious. I haven't given you a setting, what can you see?

Rarity squints her eyes, looking this way and that, "I...I don't see anything. It's like, a void, of sorts. There's only me!" her voice is rising, "Where am I?"

Rarity, calm down. Gosh, you can be such a drama queen sometimes!

She's offended by that, "Well, I never!"

Alright, this is getting boring. Remember, Rarity, you're supposed to be finding the answer to my riddle.

"Well can I at least get a setting? This empty void is...intimidating."
Ugh, alright, fine.

Rarity blinked, and she found herself in a thick, green swamp, moss and ivy everywhere, the water is a murky brown, and the trees are short and-

"EEEEEEEEEEE!" Rarity jumps up and sprints as far away she can go, tripping over roots and slamming her hooves into muddy waterholes. The air is so thick you could cut it with a knife, hot and grimy-

"TAKE! ME! BACK!"

...

Fine.

Rarity finds herself utterly alone, the only thing in the universe. There is no time here, no space, no light, no dark. Nothing but her.

She takes several deep breaths, gasping for air. She tries to clean off her hooves, but they are already clean. Logically so, if she is the only thing in the universe, then there would be no-

"Would you just shut up!"

...

Rarity, I am the narrator of this tale. You are under my control. I am being very, very giving with you. You don't have any idea the atrocities that could pour out of these claws, you should fear the settings I can create with these words. This is my story, and Rarity my dear marshmallow, it may be a shock, but here, you are not the center of the universe. You are not in control here.

Rarity is quiet. She chose to be of her own free will, I did not make her. I could make her do anything I wanted, but she chose to do this, so I am allowing it.

Have you ever wondered, Rarity, that this is what life is? Do you think this is why ponies fear the Powers That Be? In an instant, I could put you wherever in the universe I wish. Each and every word I continue to write is me consciously choosing to keep you alive. Do you even know for sure that this is reality? How do you know I haven't been writing this tale from the moment you were born? How do you know if anything is real anymore? I can choose to do whatever I want in this tale, so I have just one question for you.

Why would you think you can choose here?

Tears spill out of Rarity's eyes. Tears of fear. "Please...stop," she begs.

...

Rarity, don't cry. Don't cry. I...I'm sorry. I should not have snapped at you, I'm better than this, I promise. Look, look what I can create.

Rarity found herself in an elegant ballroom, wearing a magnificent dress designed by her own hooves. Ponies of all shapes and sizes surround her, holding small conversations here and there. Fine wine and cheeses cover the tables, and a wonderful musician is playing a melodious symphony in the background.

"I..." Rarity says to herself, holding her hoof over her mouth in awe. Her eyes go this way and that, drinking in the scene. With each and every passing moment, the setting becomes sharper, more defined. The tables have a wonderful eggshell tablecloth, with a decorative circular crimp for edging. There is a set of stairs which leads high up into the rest of the ballroom, and a marvelous crystal chandelier bigger than her is hanging from the ceiling, far, far ahead.

"I..." Rarity repeated, "I don't know what to say." she is smiling.

You just wait, Rarity, it gets better.

"Ladies and Gentlecolts!" Called a voice from the top of the staircase. Heads turn to see the announcer speak to the crowded ballroom. "I hope you all are enjoying yourself-and I should think so, our workers have had to open the next case of wine!"

A collective chuckle goes through the crowd, and the announcer continues. "I have called your attention because our guest of honor has finally arrived," he gestures to you, Rarity, "I welcome you, Miss Lady Rarity!" the audience applauds you.

Tears are streaming down your face now, "I, I can't believe it," You say.

You see, dear, I can create this as easily as anything! I started this story simply wanting to have some fun, but you ponies wanted some plot. You wanted me to have a reason. So, I gave you a simple riddle. But it's turned into something much, much more than that. I'm going to take this opportunity to teach you something worthwhile.

You're smiling. "This is..."

It's everything you've ever wanted, isn't it, Miss Rarity? I gave it to you, this is your story.

You're crying now, but they're tears of joy, aren't they? You nod, "Thank you, Discord."

Never thought you'd say that, now would you? I'm quite enjoying this time with you, dear.

You open your mouth, but you say nothing. Excuse me, dear, but I want to explain you a thing. This ballroom here, isn't it grand? It's amazing, marvelous, everything you've ever wanted.
But it's not real.

You see those doors over there? Outside, there is nothing. I haven't written anything else in. This ballroom, these ponies, and you are the only things in the entire universe. Does that make it feel any less real?

You look down at your hooves. You're wearing glass slippers, the most beautiful things you've ever seen. But it's not real, to anyone else, what you see is merely words on a page. "Why are you telling me this?"

I want you to learn, dear. Look at these ponies. They don't exist, and yet there they are, talking and chatting high societal talk as if they were as real as the nose on your face.

"It's..." you say slowly, "It's nothing."

"That's it! The answer to your riddle! Nothing! That's the answer." You're beaming, proud of yourself for solving my petty riddle.

Oh, but my dear, the true riddle goes much, much deeper.

However, in accordance with my promise, I will release you.

With one last look around the marvelous ballroom, you close your eyes

And wake up.

I'm all alone now, in this false universe I created. Do you think I taught that pony anything? My only regret is that I actually let her tears distract me from being chaotic!

Ah well, there are chapters yet to be written. I suppose something exciting will happen in those. Who should I pick next?

The Quest for Diamonds - [crossover, adventure]

Author's Note

Rarity has to run an errand, but she can't leave Sweetie Belle home alone, so she sends her to their next door neighbors, Button Mash and his mom, to hang out for an hour or so. Button decides to show her his game collection, including a certain title called Minecraft.

The Quest for Diamonds - [crossover, adventure]

Sweetie Belle lay on her belly, legs kicking softly back and forth as she drew on the paper in front of her face. She hummed a happy tune to herself as she drew a picture of her sister Rarity's Boutique, paying very careful attention to the details. She was convinced her special talent was art; the drawing was coming out so good!

Rarity suddenly came down the steps, looking distressed. Sweetie Belle rose to her hooves, thinking something was about to happen.

And it did; Rarity walked over to Sweetie Belle, saying, "I've run out of sequins! And I need them to finish this dress; the order is to go out tomorrow!"

Sweetie Belle shrugged indifferently, picking up her beautiful drawing, "What're you gonna do?" She walked to the kitchen, intent on hanging her drawing from the fridge.

Rarity followed her into the kitchen, "Well I'm going to have to go shopping for more!"

Sweetie Belle stiffened, "Oh...yay...!" she cheered half-heartedly, ducking her head in an effort to become invisible.

Rarity noticed her reluctance, "What's wrong, you don't want to go shopping with me?" she asked in mock astonishment, fluffing her mane vainly.

"No?" Sweetie Belle said experimentally, hanging her drawing from the fridge, "Why can't I just stay at home?"

"Now Sweetie Belle, you know you're still too young to be left home alone," Rarity said, turning away and tapping her chin thoughtfully.

"No I'm not!" Sweetie Belle expertly argued.

"And I can't get a foal-sitter on such short notice," Rarity thought aloud, ignoring her sister.

"I don't need a foal-sitter!" Sweetie Belle pointed out, tugging at Rarity's leg, "C'mon, just let me stay at home! I'll be fine!"

Rarity thought for a moment longer, "But I really need those sequins..." she said, still ignoring Sweetie Belle.

"Then go and get them!" Sweetie instructed, pushing Rarity towards the door, "I'm old enough to be left alone; I don't need a foal-sitter!"

Rarity allowed herself to be pushed towards the door as she tapped her chin thoughtfully, then gasped as an idea struck her. She planted her hooves, halting Sweetie Belle's forward advancement, "I know! Why don't I go shopping-"

"Please!" Sweetie begged.

"-And leave you next door!" Rarity finished.

Sweetie Belle recoiled, "Oh, uh, no, no, that's okay," she immediately conceded, "why don't I just go shopping with you? You could use an extra pair of hooves anyway."

Rarity shot her a look, "Sweetie Belle!" she said scoldingly, "I thought I told you to make the new neighbors feel welcome!"

"I am!" Sweetie argued, "It's just...all he cares about is his games-"

"That's no excuse," Rarity said, tapping her head lightly, "You should know, some things that may seem trivial to you are very valuable to others."

Sweetie Belle looked down out of shame, knowing she was referring to her Cutie Mark Crusader status. "...alright," she agreed.

Rarity straightened back up, nodding approvingly, "So come on, let's go." She opened the door and lead Sweetie Belle outside, taking a sharp right and heading to the next house down. Sweetie followed, albeit reluctantly. They reached the door and Rarity knocked thrice.

The door was opened by a mare with pale yellow fur and a light brown mane swept to the side. She smiled warmly at Rarity, "Rarity!" she greeted, "What can I do for you?"

"Hi!" Rarity greeted friendlily, "I hate to bother you like this, but I need to go out and buy some sequins for a dress I'm working on for a very important client, and-"

"Say no more," the mare interrupted knowingly, "You want us to watch over Sweetie Belle while you're away?"

"If it's no trouble," Rarity conceded bashfully. Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes at their boring adult talk.

"No trouble at all," the mare assured, "I'm sure Button Mash would love to have company." To make a point, she opened the door wider and called up the stairs at the far room, "Button Mash! Somepony's here for you!"

"Mom!" snapped a squeaky, high pitched voice from upstairs, "I'm! Playing! My! Game!"

"Button! Get down here!" Button's Mom instructed sharply.

Button let out a long sigh of angry exasperation from upstairs, and a short while later the colt in question peeked his head around the top of the stairs, "What?" he requested.

"Button Mash," Button's Mom said sweetly, moving out of the way of the door, "Look who's here! Come down and say, 'Hi'!"

Button saw Sweetie Belle and Rarity standing outside and didn't move. "Hi," he greeted flatly, and ducked his head back around the stairs.

"Button!" his mom snapped.

Button Mash's head peeked back out from around the stairs.

"Down. Here." his mom instructed, pointing to the ground in front of her for emphasis.

Button sighed and slowly made his way down the steps, his hooves clonking on each stair heavily. He made his way to the front door, and looking at the ground, greeted the sisters again, "Hi,"

"Hi," Sweetie Belle greeted half heartedly. She would've chosen shopping with Rarity over this, but Rarity's mind was made up.

Rarity then cleared her throat, "As long as it's no trouble-"

"None at all," Button's mom assured sweetly.

Rarity nodded, reassured, and turned to Sweetie Belle, "Have fun! I'll be back in an hour or so," she gave Sweetie a hug and left, off to market.

Sweetie Belle watched her leave, then sighed and stepped inside the building which would house her for the next few hours. Button's mom closed the door behind her and immediately went to the kitchen, saying, "Can I get you something to drink, Sweetie Belle?"

Sweetie Belle shook her head politely, "No, I'm fine."

Button Mash stood in the middle of the room looking at the ground. After a few quiet moments, Button's mom spoke up, "Button!"

Button's head snapped up and he looked at his mom, "What?"

"Why don't you show Sweetie Belle your games?" She suggested sweetly.

Sweetie Belle looked back to Button Mash. He didn't look happy. He gestured to Sweetie Belle and complained, "But she's a mare!"

"Excuse me?" his mom asked, brow scrunched and eyes narrowed at Button Mash.

His eyes widened and he cleared his throat, "I said, um, 'okay, mom,' he he..."

Button's mom nodded, and she turned around, attending to something else.

Sweetie Belle turned back to Button Mash; he gestured for her to follow him, and then hopped up the steps. She followed him into the first room on the left upstairs, where Button Mash was pulling open a rather large wardrobe.

She approached the wardrobe and looked inside. It was filled, top to bottom, with games of all kinds. Video games, mostly, but there was a fair amount of board games and toys in the bottom compartments. "That's a lot of games," she observed.

Button nodded proudly, "Yep!" he then walked around her to his desk, hopping up on his chair and getting on the computer in front of him. "Find something you want to play, and I'll help you hook it up," he instructed, clicking away.

Sweetie looked over the large collection of playable materials, but nothing stood out to her. After picking out a game, glancing over the cover, and tossing it lightly onto the bed, she turned to Button Mash and suggested, "Why don't we try to get our Cutie Marks?" noticing he didn't have his as well.

"Why would we do that?" Button asked flatly, not looking away from the screen in front of him.

Sweetie Belle was off-put. What could be more important that getting your Cutie Mark? She walked up to the desk and peeked over Button's shoulder, scrunching up her nose and ignoring the odor of cheese puffs on his fur. The game he was playing looked weird; it was a huge landscape of blocks, and he was breaking the ones in front of him. "What's that?" Sweetie Belle asked.

Button Mash recoiled, not noticing her over his shoulder, "Minecraft," he answered carefully, "It's pretty popular. How do you not know about it?"

Sweetie Belle ignored his question and watched him play 'Minecraft'. True to it's name, Button Mash mined several blocks, and then began crafting tools out of them, only to mine more blocks. "What's it about?" she asked finally.

Button Mash paused it and turned towards her, "You mine. And craft." He unpaused it and continued playing, "It's not exactly rocket science."

"Well, yeah," Sweetie Belle said obviously. He was just so difficult to deal with! "But, like, what do you do?"

Button rolled his head side to side, "Well, a lot of things," he started, "But I guess the most important thing you can do in the game is find diamonds."

"Diamonds?" Sweetie Belle repeated, "sounds like a game Rarity would like."

Button let out a chuckle at that. Sweetie Belle felt mixed emotions at that, not sure if she was happy or disgusted that she had made Button laugh. "It's not as easy as it sounds," Button said mysteriously, repeatedly hitting a tree with what looked like a square cactus on screen.

Sweetie watched him play a few moments longer, and finally asked, "Can I play?"

Button turned towards her, "Well, I mean," he started awkwardly, "It's not really a two player game..."

Sweetie Belle put on a pair of puppy dog eyes, an art she perfected by living with a drama queen like Rarity.

Button looked into her eyes, and his eye twitched. After a tense moment, he sighed and stepped off of his chair, "Fine," he conceded.

Sweetie happily seated herself on the chair, immediately recoiling from a wet spot on the pillow beneath her. Button took the pillow off of the chair and inspected the spot, "juice," he concluded, tossing the pillow on his bed.

Sweetie Belle carefully lowered herself on the wooden surface of the chair, "So how do I play?"

Button reached over her shoulder and pointed to the keyboard, "You use these four keys to move," he said, pointing to the classic WASD setup, "Use the mouse to move your camera; left click to mine and use tools, and right click to place blocks and interact with them. Space bar is jump, and E is your inventory."

Sweetie Belle nodded understandingly, and carefully moved her character, thrilled as she saw the blocky landscape move as she pressed the keys. She hopped around the landscape, breaking blocks of dirt and placing them in random places. "This is fun!" she said happily.

"You're not really doing anything," Button Mash observed skeptically.

Sweetie frowned; he had killed her mood, "Fine, then, what should I be doing?"

"You should be looking out for that creeper!" Button said suddenly, in a panicked tone.

Sweetie Belle spun her character around spastically, "What's a creeper?" she asked in a high pitched voice.

She was answered by a loud 'boom,' and the screen went red, with the words, 'you died' written across the screen.

"Oh, no!" Button whined, pulling the keyboard and mouse over to him, "My stuff!"

Sweetie Belle folded her hooves and pouted, "That game is hard!" she complained.

"You just don't know how to play," Button Mash argued, checking the damage Sweetie had caused.

Sweetie Belle hopped down from the chair, saying, "If I were in that game for real, it'd be much easier."

Button climbed into his chair, "Yeah, well," he agreed, "you can't."

Sweetie Belle looked at him, "Uh...?"

Button Mash turned towards her questioningly, "What?"

Sweetie Belle gestured to the horn protruding from her forehead.

Button Mash sat there, mouth agape, for a few moments. He started when it clicked, and a slow smile spread over his face, "No way," he hopped down off his chair, standing very close to Sweetie Belle, "Can you do that?" he asked excitedly.

"Well, I don't see why not," Sweetie Belle said, "I've never really used magic much before, but-"

"Do it! Do it!" Button Mash said, hopping up and down in glee, "Dooooiiiit!"

"Okay, okay!" Sweetie agreed to shut him up, "shut up! I'll do it!"

"Yay!" Button cheered.

Sweetie Belle looked at the computer on the desk and narrowed her eyes in thought. It seemed possible, but Sweetie doubted she could do it. She looked over at Button; he was bouncing up and down in excitement, grinning from ear to ear. She sighed, knowing she would have to at least try, and turned back to the computer. She focused, and her horn began glowing. Button Mash began bouncing even faster, if it was possible. After a moment of focus, Sweetie blasted the computer with her magic. The computer bounced up and over, and fell back where it was, unchanged.

Button stopped bouncing, "Did it...did it work?" he asked.

"I..." Sweetie Belle started questioningly, "I don't know..." she neared the computer carefully.

The computer jerked to the side, and a large, magical vortex spilled out of it with a clap of thunder, immediately sucking Sweetie Belle and Button Mash into it. The vortex dissipated as quickly as it had appeared, and the computer fell back to it's original position, skewed slightly. Button Mash and Sweetie Belle were gone.

Sweetie Belle coughed, climbing to her hooves. The ground beneath her hooves felt strange. She cleared her throat and squinted into the sudden sunlight. The landscape she saw was...blocky.

"NOOO WAAAY!" Button Mash cheered, zipping this way and that, relishing in the blocky landscape, "I don't believe it!"

"Me either," Sweetie Belle responded cautiously. "Where are we, exactly?"

Button stopped relishing and got up, looking at Sweetie as if her horn had just turned into a carrot, "We're IN Minecraft!" he cheered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Sweetie looked this way and that, noticing how similar the new world was to the computer game she had just been playing. "Oh,"

Alone - [sad, human]

Author's Note

I have a simple job. Well, not necessarily simple, but easy. Well, not necessarily easy, but short. Well, not necessarily short, but...
I have a job.
I won't bore you with the technicalities, just know that it's rather important. It involves a lot of studying, too. And, at times, it gets rather lonely. But I don't think about that much, I just do my job.
And yes, studying is a big portion of my work, but what can a bunch of Technicolor, talking ponies who spilled out of a hole in the fabric of reality teach me?

Alone - [sad, human]

"Jerusalem," I started, "That's what they say this planet is named. Holy City, it means in some ancient tongue, long since passed." I placed my hand upon the scanner beside the door and it slid open.

"Who's 'they'?" asked the purple one.

"The records," I answered, briefly wondering why they didn't know that already. Then I remembered a certain philosophical book I read once upon a time. Theory of Thought, it dubbed, awareness of the fact that others have different experiences and prior knowledge that differs from one's own. Most commonly developed in humans around the age of four, or so the records say.

I stepped through the doorway and entered the lounging area, where one could look out into the universe beyond. Not really much to see, I often ignored it, though I couldn't deny that the room had a feel of sereneness, possibly explained by the large windows and low furniture, or so the records of interior design claim. "This facility is the last outpost of known life in the universe," I say, walking out onto the scarlet carpet of the den. In front of me are the tall windows, and I look out into the darkness, gesturing to the view. "Welcome to the end of the universe," I greeted the creatures, "I will be your guide."

There were six in all; white, pink, orange, yellow, blue, and purple. The computer says they most resemble Equines, but there was a percent error of 30%. Equines don't talk, the records say. Well, the records don't explicitly state this, though many of the authors of the ancient texts state that humans are the only forms of life intelligent enough to form verbal language. Of course, other organisms have their own means of communication, but none of them ever built a quantum cooling chamber.

They all turned to look out the windows. I looked with them, though I wasn't sure what about the empty view held their attention so strongly.

The purple one began shaking her head, "No, no, this isn't right," she said, "I know about humans; they live on Earth, and that doesn't look anything like the Earth I saw."

"What planet do you recall humans existing upon?" I asked, spotting an opportunity to learn. According to the records, there was a planet once called Earth-where humanity began, they say-but they left within ten thousand years. Eventually, they returned to their home planet when it was in danger of being swallowed up by their dying sun, some time around 67,000 CE. I haven't gotten exceptionally far into the archives, but I hypothesized Jerusalem was the remnants of that home planet Earth.

The purple one looked at me, "For one thing, Earth was green!"

Green was my favorite color. Out of all of the illustrations preserved in the records, I was partial to the green ones. Looking out onto the void surface of Jerusalem, I saw none of that lovely color. Instead, for miles (seventeen miles, to be precise) in every direction, there were fields of rolling hills topped in ice and snow. A pure, untainted surface of clean whiteness covered the planet's surface. It was not frozen water, it was the gases that once made up the atmosphere, condensed into solid snow. Jerusalem had no atmosphere, because it was all frozen upon the surface.

I nodded, and decided to use the rare opportunity to practice a certain rhetorical device I had read about, called sarcasm: a bitter, harsh irony. I nodded, said, "Welcome to the year One Hundred Trillion," and turned around to head to a nearby monitor. It was an example of sarcasm because the year One Hundred Trillion was a very unwelcoming time to exist.

"Where are all the stars?" The white one asked.

"Gone," I responded simply.

"Gone?" repeated the pink one incredulously, "Whaddya mean, 'gone'?"

"I mean gone," I repeated, accessing the records through the monitor in front of me. I wanted to input the new data of the six talking equines before the computer's hourly contamination sweep. "Sucked into black holes, exploded in supernovas, or dissipated into nebulas, billions and billions of years ago." I finished scanning the creatures and saving their data, inputting a personal hypothesis as to their origin and purpose, though I didn't have much to go off of. "There's no more stars left in all the universe. And I know; I've been searching."

They continued staring out the window. I honestly had no idea as to why they were so intrigued by the lack of stars, it hasn't been anything new for billions of years. Perhaps they came from a different time period, where stars still existed. I recorded that thought and closed the monitor, turning back to the creatures.

"How did we get here?" the orange one asked, finally turning away from the empty void of space. She was wearing a hat I had seen before in the records. A Stetson, it was called.

I reflected upon how to answer that. I knew exactly how they had been brought here, though I didn't know where from. I hypothesized they would need prior knowledge of my job before they could fully understand my purposes. I gestured for them to follow me, "Come," I instructed, and walked out of then den through a nearby door.

They followed me down a long corridor, and I entered a large, dark, empty room, save a small podium in the center. It was another monitor, and as I entered the room and walked towards the monitor, the room, sensing my presence, switched on the lights overhead. The six equines entered cautiously after me, and I turned my attention to the monitor.

"This room is called the Bible," I explained, "It means, 'the book', in the ancient languages. It is the interface used to access all the records this facility has stored electrically." As an example, I pulled up an archived illustration at random, and the image was projected from the wall in front of us. The equines seemed startled when the Mona Lisa covered the far wall. They must not be familiar with such advanced technology, so I took the painting down and searched for some archived music. I was partial to one in particular, and Dark was the Night, Cold was the Ground began playing softly in the background. I sometimes listened to it during breaks from my work.

I turned to the equines and continued, "I run this facility you find yourself in currently," I explained, "It is my job to study the records of human life, and record my findings to this Bible. I read books, scrolls, articles, I inspect paintings, I study economics, I study science, I practice math, I study everything. I call myself a Worldologist, but that isn't my official title." The equines seemed confused, most likely because they had suddenly found themselves at the end of the universe from wherever they had been before, but it was the best way I knew how to explain my job. I continued nonetheless, "As part of my job, I study the universe, and I used very sophisticated, advanced machinery to do so. I had been toying around with a reality bender, sculpting the fabric of spacetime, when suddenly I found a wormhole. I pumped in some negative energy to widen it and see where it lead, and you six fell out, dazed and confused." That was the best way I knew to explain how they had been brought here, I hoped they understood enough about quantum engineering to accept my explanation. I had honestly not been expecting anything to fall out of the wormhole I found, I was just being curious. The purple one-apparently the leader of the group-seemed to recognize my species before I hers. After scanning them for bacterium or viruses, I had them cleansed with a quantum healing machine of all nonvital bacterium and began explaining where 'here' was.

"Okay...I think I get it..." The purple one said cautiously, "So...by some, crazy, science-y way that I don't understand, you brought us here...by accident?"

Her voice had a hint of hope at the end of her sentence, and I concluded that she feared I had malicious intentions. To quell her fears, I nodded and said, "Anything could have fallen out of that wormhole," which wasn't necessarily true; a blue whale couldn't have fallen out, as the wormhole would not have been large enough to support such a large quantum dislocation.

Nevertheless, they seemed to relax a bit after that.

"So where did you find yourself before you were here?" I asked.

The purple one opened her mouth, but it was the pink one who answered, "We were having a picnic!" she seemed exceptionally thrilled to have been partaking in a communal consumption of food, most commonly held outdoors, popularized very early in human history; circa 1999 CE.

I nodded, "Yes, but I meant what planet and or time period," I clarified.

"Equestria," the purple one answered, "one thousand and one, SEC."

I turned and recorded that on the monitor, "SEC?" I repeated questioningly.

"Solar Empirical Calendar," she clarified.

I inputted the data and searched for a match, but the computer found nothing. I sighed; it would be extraneously difficult to calculate the point in spacetime the equines had dropped out of, and would set back my work considerably. I wouldn't want the equines to interfere with my work, so I decided upon a course of action. I ordered several identification bracelets from the monitor, and within seconds they were jettisoned from the wall on a loop. I turned to the equines and instructed, "Each of you take one of these bracelets. They will provide you with clearance level five throughout the facility, allowing you to travel to the recreational areas. Consult the monitors scattered in various places for directions, and I will work to find a wormhole that will return you all to your proper time and place."

It seemed an acceptable deal, and the six of them each took a bracelet, wrapping it around their necks. They left the Bible to explore the facility; the blue and orange one walking one way, the pink, yellow, and white ones walking back to the den. I turned back to the monitor to pull up a whiteboard application to perform my calculations on, and suddenly noticed the purple one had stayed behind.

"I'm Twilight, by the way," She introduced, "Twilight Sparkle."

I looked at her, nodded, and turned back to the monitor, launching the whiteboard app.

"What's your name?" Twilight asked.

"Unit 731," I replied. Such was my designation, but Twilight began laughing as if she found it humorous. I looked at her questioningly.

"No," she replied with a smile, "I mean your name, a real name!"

I looked at her. The humans of the ancient times had names; it was an inefficient method, and very commonly were identified by social security number rather than name. As this was a scientific facility, I was designated an identification number: Unit 731. I did not need any other name, 'Unit 731' was already unique.

Twilight's smile faded when I did not answer her, "You mean you don't have one?" she concluded. I did not follow her logic; my designation was Unit 731, I did not need another name.

She smiled again, "Well, I'm going to call you Hugh! Hugh Mann." She laughed at her own statement for some time. I believe the ancient humans called what she just said a 'pun', a rhetorical device wherein the use of one word suggests another meaning, or the meaning of a similar sounding word.

Nevertheless, I did not object. I nodded and opened a new document in the whiteboard application. A large screen of white was projected into the air behind the monitor; a hologram for me to work upon. I walked around the monitor and pulled up a list of equations, beginning the tedious quantum mathematics.

Twilight watched in rapt attention as I worked, apparently impressed by my scientific prowess. I felt something new, something I remember the records labeling a similar feeling as 'pride'.

She watched me write various symbols and numbers for a time, but finally spoke up and said, "Hugh?"

It took me a moment more than it should have to realize she meant me, and I turned to acknowledge her.

"Where's everybody else?" she asked.

I stopped writing. Of course, having last seen humanity one hundred trillion years ago, she would have memories of thousands upon thousands of humans congregated in small geographic areas at a time, across the surface of the globe. The end of the universe was dissimilar in this way. I turned back to the calculations and cleared my throat. I did not remember the last time I had done that. "There are none," I responded.

"What?" she asked, clearly not understanding what I was implying.

This was my least favorite feature of my job. I turned around, put my hands on the monitor, hung my head, and sighed. "There are no more humans," I clarified, "I'm the last."

Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity had returned to the den they had been in before, reclining on the low, blocky furniture. As a self proclaimed fashionista, Rarity was impressed by the use of the low, white couches and the stark contrast of the scarlet carpet beneath them. She didn't know much about humans-that'd be Twilight's department-but they were certainly skilled designers.

While Rarity admired the scenery inside, Fluttershy seated herself upon one of the couches and looked out the tall windows, searching for the faintest glimmer of light. "I just can't believe all the stars could be gone," she thought aloud.

"Didn't you hear the human?" asked Pinkie Pie, who was fiddling with the monitor next to the far wall, "He said this was the year one hundred trillion; no star can survive that long! I'm only surprised none formed after they had all died."

Rarity rolled her eyes, "Don't pretend for a second you understand any of this," she chastised, "one minute we were enjoying a lovely picnic, the next we're at the end of the universe," she said, mimicking the somber, low tone of the human's voice.

Pinkie Pie left the monitor alone and turned around with a smile, "What do you mean? It's as easy as locating a gravity bubble within any baryon in the Higgs field and feeding it negative energy to create the potentiality for a macroquantum dislocation through the relativistic field of spacetime, happens all the time!" she finished cheerfully, hopping off to explore the nearby corridors.

Rarity watched her skip away, mouth agape. She shook her head, Never question Pinkie Logic, she thought. She instead turned to admire the handiwork of the facility itself. The walls were a smooth white color, wrapping around the inside of the corridors with curved corners. A very sleek, futuristic look, to be sure. The floor was a chrome sheet, decorated with partitioned bumps. It looked like it would be cold to the touch, but it was actually comfortably warm. "I'll tell you one thing: these humans certainly know how to build a facility. What do you think, Fluttershy?" she asked, turning her.

Fluttershy hadn't been paying attention, fully absorbed in watching the neverending blackness outside the windows. Hearing her name, she turned her head and made a questioning sound, "Hm?"

"I said what do you think of the facility?" she repeated, "It's nice, isn't it?"

Fluttershy looked behind her at the sleek, futuristic design of the room and nodded, "Oh, um, yes, it's nice," she conceded, turning back to the window, "It's just...It's silly, really, but..." she shook her head, "I just can't believe the stars will go out someday."

Rarity rose her eyebrow, "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, this is the future, right?" Fluttershy pointed out, "this is the year-what did he say it was-one hundred trillion? That means that someday, long after all of us are long gone, this'll be all that's left," she explained, gesturing to the empty sky.

Rarity looked out on the universe with new meaning, feeling an existential crisis coming on, "That's..." she trailed off, unsure of how to respond.

The two of them looked out the windows for a long time after that, until Pinkie Pie's voice emanated from inside the facility, "Hey, that looks like fun! How are you doing that?"

"This is really weird," Rainbow Dash observed as she walked through the tall corridors of the facility.

"Ya' don't say?" Applejack agreed, walking alongside her. They had left the 'Bible', as the human had called it, and walked down the corridor opposite the way they had come.

"So this is the future, huh?" Rainbow Dash confirmed, knocking on the smooth, white walls of the hall experimentally.

Applejack nodded, "Hundred Trillion, th' guy said," she reminded.

Rainbow Dash nodded, "No stars left...weird..."

The two continued on in silence, reflecting on the somber world of the future. Dash soon got tired of thinking, and thought loudly, "What are we even supposed to be doing? Didn't that guy say something about 'recreational areas'?"

Applejack nodded, then pointed out a door on the wall nearby, "Maybe that's one," she wondered.

They walked over to the door. It didn't have any sort of knob or handle, in fact the only thing that looked any different from the smooth white wall was a small black slate nearby the door, where a handle would have been. "Now how did that guy open this...?" Rainbow Dash said, experimentally pressing her hoof onto the slate.

A thick green light suddenly flashed on the slate, travelling down from top to bottom. Rainbow didn't remove her hoof, and when it reached the bottom, the entire slate glowed green, and the door slid open.

"I'll never understand th' future," Applejack swore, stepping into the room with a shake of her head.

Rainbow followed her. "Well this is dumb!" she observed when they discovered the room was completely empty, "What's this even supposed to be?"

Out of nowhere, a voice said, "Room index: Gravitational simulator,"

Applejack and Rainbow Dash clasped each other fearfully, "W-who said that?" Dash demanded.

"Ah think...Ah think th' room said it!" Applejack observed.

Rainbow nodded, but didn't let go of Applejack, "What'd it say? 'gravitational simulator'? What does that mean?"

"Gravitational Simulator activated," the voice said next, "Simulation set for zero g's."

A humming sound emanated from the walls, and the two ponies suddenly began floating away. "H-hey! What the hay's goin' on, here!" Applejack said indignantly, frantically flapping her hooves in the air.

Rainbow Dash, used to the experience of flying (though not floating), slowly drifted away from her, bursting out in fits of laughter at Applejack's incompetence.

"Ya find somethin' funny?" Applejack yelled, "Get me down from here!" she said, turning head over hooves.

"No, this is fun!" Rainbow argued playfully, kicking off of the way and soaring across the room, "Wheeee!" Flying without using her wings felt foreign, but it was so much fun! It was as if she had just become completely weightless.

Applejack gently collided with the wall, bouncing off and travelling back across. Rainbow Dash, using her wings and the walls to angle herself, was flying loops around Applejack. Her hat tried to detatch itself from her head, but she frantically grabbed for it and held it close.

"C'mon, Applejack," Rainbow said, pretending to be reclining on an invisible chair as she floated past, "Try to relax; this is fun!"

Applejack scrunched up her nose indignantly, but couldn't help breaking down in laughter at Rainbow's airborne antics. "Alright," she conceded as she neared the far wall. Angling her body, she reached out and gently kicked off of the smooth surface, flying through the air much more controllably. "Whee!" she cheered as she did so.

"You see?" Rainbow said, glad that her friend was enjoying their odd circumstances.

The door suddenly slid open again, and Pinkie Pie saw her friends floating through the air, "Hey, that looks like fun! How are you doing that?" she said.

"Wha-what do you mean they're gone?" Twilight asked frantically. "I saw the humans, there were billions!"

Hugh looked up at Twilight, "A few years passed," he said insincerely, in his monotonous voice, "trillions." With that said, he spun on his feet and began chalking down several equations on the whiteboard that had materialized behind him.

Twilight was aghast. Hugh was talking about the total, complete extinction of his entire species, and he acted like it was nothing! He threw around the death of every star in the universe like a Frisbee! Where had all his sincerity gone? The humans she had met, they had been so caring of everything (some more than others), and now, all that was left was Hugh, living alone at the end of the universe, more robot than man. "Whuh, where did they all go?" she demanded, not letting go of the issue.

"Died out," Hugh explained simply, not turning from his equations, "Their biological makeup was inefficient; very few lasted much more than a century."

"Don't you mean you're biological makeup?" she corrected, bitter at Hugh's bitterness.

Hugh turned around then, looking in Twilight's eye and shaking his head. "No," he said, and then proceeded to reach up and remove his own right hand, placing it nonchalantly on the monitor in front of Twilight.

Twilight repressed the urge to scream, "H-how did you do that?" she asked instead.

"My physical body has been digitally, electronically, and mechanically augmented," Hugh explained, showing Twilight his stump of an arm. Where there most likely should have been flesh and blood, there was a sunken hole filled with various metal prongs, ones that most likely fit snugly into holes in his fake hand that was crawling across the monitor.

Twilight's eyes widened; he was more robot than man. "How..." she trailed off, staring as the hand on the monitor crawled it's way to the edge, fell off, and made it's way to Hugh's foot, tapping on it.

He bent over and picked it up, reattaching it to his wrist with a snap. "Do you see this chestplate?" he asked, pointing to the strange suit he wore over his torso. Twilight hadn't paid much attention to it before, but he was wearing a sleek, white piece of machinery that looked similar to metal armor, except for the glowing blue circle in the center of his chest. It covered his upper torso and shoulders, curved to fit his body. Beneath he wore a tight, stretchy gray shirt that ended abruptly at two white gloves-at least, she had assumed they were gloves, but they were his actual hands. Sleek, futuristic, white hands, which were only slightly thicker than his arms.

Her eyes travelled back to the chestplate Hugh was signifying by tapping the glowing blue light in the center and she nodded.

"This is not just for decoration," he said, turning around and pointing out another piece of technology on his back. It was a thick circle of blue light that matched the light on his chest, but was more of a ring bolted to his back, wrapped around a black circle. "This is a portable fusion reactor, biologically engrained in my central nervous system. It provides my body with energy in the form of electricity gathered from the nuclear fusion of hydrogen. In other words," he clarified, turning back around to face Twilight, "I do not need food like a normal human. It also provides the power for my synthetic organs and extremities, such as my hands and my heart, and with what natural cells that remain, it discourages cellular division. All these systems work together to ensure that I live much, much longer than a normal human."

Twilight had gotten used to not understanding the future by now, but she believed she had gotten the gist of Hugh's explanation, "So basically, you're immortal. And part robot."

"I believe the ancient humans more correctly denoted it as, 'cyborg,'" Hugh offered, turning back to his whiteboard, "Now please, I must get back to my work if I am to send you equines to your proper home."

Twilight ignored his order, making connections, "So, what?" she asked, "The other humans made you immortal and sent you to this facility? Did you have to watch every other human die?" she spat, angry at Hugh's lack of anger. Hugh did not respond, so she continued, "How long have you been the last, Unit 731?" she asked insensitively, trying to get him to show the least but of emotion.

"I'd have to check," Hugh said instead.

"Ugh!" Twilight breathed, giving up. She turned around and walked to the door, deciding to catch up with her friends. She put her hoof on the black slate beside the door, emulating how Hugh had opened it, and after it scanned her hoof, it blinked green and slid open.

"I'm not just the last human, you know," Hugh said just as she was in the doorway.

Twilight turned back at him. He was still working at his equations, back to her. She stood there for a moment longer, silently willing him to elaborate.

"I didn't say Jerusalem was the last outpost of humanity in the universe," he continued, "I said it was the last outpost of life."

Twilight involuntarily gasped as she guessed the implication. Before she could respond, Pinkie Pie's voice from deeper down the corridor rang out, "Hey, that looks like fun! How are you doing that?"

A Completely Unremarkable and Ordinary Story - [slice of life, OC]

Author's Note

Welcome to the totally uneventful, plain, boring, stale, completely unremarkable and ordinary life of Chocolate Milk, a totally uneventful, plain, boring, stale, completely unremarkable and ordinary pony living in totally uneventful, plain, boring, stale, completely unremarkable and ordinary Canterlot. He goes to a totally uneventful, plain, boring, stale, completely unremarkable and ordinary college on the east side, and works as a totally uneventful, plain, boring, stale, completely unremarkable and ordinary writer in his free time, which he has a lot of.

A Completely Unremarkable and Ordinary Story - [slice of life, OC]

He slid to a stop, digging his hooves into the ground as hard as he could. Out of the corner of his eye he watched as a shower of dirt and debris rain down onto the whitewater river far below, roaring hungrily. He did not have any chance to even feel shock at how close he had come to dying before his thoughts were broken with vicious, remorseless laughter. "Watch your step!" his opponent taunted, lashing out with his otherworldly tentacles of dark energy.

He ducked and jumped, just barely dodging the percussive strikes. One caught him on the face, and he sucked his teeth as he felt warmness dripping down his face. He clamped a hoof over his new injury, and his opponent cackled evilly, "You see now?" he asked in a maniacal voice, "You have no power here!"

He ignored his taunts, and took his hoof off of his face to inspect it. Shiny, and wet. He felt a cold chill pass through his body, which was quickly replaced with a raging fury. At the sight of his own blood, he snapped. His pupils dilated, his heart rate rose, his breathing became heavy, and he felt untapped power surge through his body.

He looked his grotesque opponent in the eye, absorbing every detail; his cracked violet eyes, his twisted, crooked smile, his sickeningly pure mane, and the all encompassing darkness seeping out of the rupture in his back, where several dark tentacles were rooted, some holding him high in the air, and others waving about, preparing to strike again.

"I've won," his opponent insisted, smiling all the while, "It's over!" he continued his maniacal, twisted cackling, echoing throughout the cavern which housed the two, travelling up and down the multitude of possible passageways.

He breathed heavily, clenched his teeth, and began speaking, any injury forgotten, "I...have lived a long life," he huffed slowly, "And I've seen quite a few...gods in my day. Fake gods, real gods, would-be gods, parasite gods, and you," he smiled knowingly, to the confusion of his opponent, "You are none of them."

The smile on his opponent's face faded, and was slowly replaced with a vicious, menacing snarl, "I am a god, you worthless piece of filth! The laws of time and space bend to my will, and are mine to control! This world will end in darkness, and I will build upon the ashes a glorious new age, where I rule! Everything will burn, and you will be the first!" His tentacles lashed out, whipping towards him.

But because he had gotten his opponent angry, he was unfocused, and he didn't have to exert much force to dodge his strikes. He landed deftly, ignoring the shower of rubble caused by the wildly flailing tentacles smashing into the rock wall behind him. He smirked as if the attack was pitiful, and continued, "But, you see, you're really not. You're just a regular old pony who ran into something...otherworldly."

His opponent screamed, shaking the cavern, "This is my destiny!" he wailed. His tentacles wavered, and he swung wildly through the air.

"That much is certain," he conceded, "This world just isn't big enough for the two of us. One of us will leave this place today, and with them, they'll carry the fate of the world on their shoulders." He assumed a fighting stance, standing solid and comparatively small towards his opponent. "You think you're strong enough to carry a world?"

"I am!" his opponent screamed, "I have power like you wouldn't believe! I can see the turn of the universe, and the planets move to my will!"

He merely smirked, letting his true power come to the surface. Wind whipped around his body and through his mane, and he began glowing in a holy light, "We'll see about that," he said, feeling the energy surge through his veins. He took a step back, and

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Chocolate Milk jumped at his alarm clock, which had broken the pristine silence he had held while writing. Turning away from his typewriter, he switched the alarm off, sighing in relief that the auditory assault had been vanquished. He then opened his eyes and looked at the time. 8:00.

His eyes widened in shock. "No..." he breathed, and just to be sure, leapt from his chair and ran to the kitchen to check that clock. Sure enough, it was 8:00. He had been up all night, a solid eight hours straight, writing. "Oh biscuits," he muttered, and went to his bathroom to shower, dearly hoping he wouldn't fall asleep in class. Again. He bathed as quick as he possibly could (ten minutes), and grabbed a pitiful breakfast of a serving of chips and an energy drink. He stuffed the horribly unhealthy meal down his throat, at the same time pulling a green sweater on over his light brown fur, which almost looked like chocolate milk. Except chocolate milk had an oblique tone to it, and his fur had more of a light sheen. Obvious difference.

He picked up his saddlebags, mentally flipping through the homework he didn't do the night before, and left his humble Canterlot apartment. The outside world was a very blurry place, and Chocolate suddenly realized he had forgotten his glasses. He turned back around to go and get them, only to have his doorknob shake stubbornly in place. Once again, he had forgotten that the stupid door opened from the inside at all times, even when the outside knob was locked. He heavily rested his head against the door with a resounding thump. Today was already a bad day.

After a short period of self loathing, he finally picked himself up and headed down the steps to the ground floor, squinting as hard as he could to avoid running into signs. He slowly made his way down the street, trying to reach the bus station which would take him to his classes, but after three times bumping into mailboxes and twice holding an apologetic conversation with a sign, he had only gotten half the three block distance to the bus stop.

Luckily, being the clever little pecker he was, he thought of something he could do. From memory he knew that there was a little shop somewhere on this street, and maybe they had something he could use. He made his way to the store as quick and as relatively painless as he could, though he did stumble more than once. He made his way into the shop and squinted, scanning the small collection of shelves. Bingo. He walked over and picked up a cheap pair of reading glasses and put them on. The world wasn't crystal clear, but he could at least read the text on the far wall, so they were good enough. He took them off and sighed; if only they weren't circular frame, Ben Franklin style glasses. Nevertheless, he carried them over to the cashier and set them down.

The cashier, a surly stallion who looked like he would rather be off punching something, rang up the glasses, "Five bits," he said.

"Five bits!" Chocolate repeated incredulously, "I could eat lunch for a week with that!"

The cashier just looked at him, "Where are you eating lunch?"

Chocolate Milk hesitated, then lowered his head and muttered, "College," and pulled the money out for the hideously overpriced eyewear.

The cashier took the money and pressed a few buttons on the register, eliciting a few dings. Then he moved to put the glasses in a bag, but Chocolate stopped him, "That's okay, I'll, uh, I'll just take them as is."

The cashier shrugged like he couldn't care less, "Fair enough," he said, and turned away to attend to some other business, effectively dismissing Chocolate Milk.

He nodded awkwardly and took the glasses, putting them on just in time to slam into the one-way opening glass door. Falling away and grumbling to himself, he yanked the door open and headed out, continuing his much more difficult than necessary trek to the bus stop, already spent for the day.

After a short, awkward wait with a quiet old lady who was far too interested into his personal affairs, the bus finally arrived and Chocolate Milk hopped on board. Crowded as usual, Chocolate settled into place on his hooves, clutching the bar overhead. He looked down at the dirty carpet; it was adorned with various graphics of buses, and he focused on one in particular. A simple drawing of a little yellow bus, which had the word "away" on the sign atop the windshield.

For a moment, he was completely absorbed in the insignificant graphic, contemplating what it meant. Somepony, somewhere, had drawn that bus, and now it had reached the floor of the bus which he rode. He wondered what kind of life that pony had lived, if he was even still alive. And who was to say it was a he? Chocolate knew absolutely nothing about this pony, he didn't know their hopes, their dreams, their first date, their first job, what school they went to, what sort of friends they might've had, what kind of pony they could have been, or where they were now, even if it was the grave. The only thing they had left behind, the only thing Chocolate Milk could have possibly known for sure about this unknown pony, was the fact that at one point in their life they drew that little picture of a bus. They only legacy they had left behind out of their entire life that Chocolate Milk could ever hope to find out about them was this little graphic of a bus on the carpet beneath his hooves.

He was so absorbed in his own thoughts about the drawing of a bus on the floor that when the brakes were applied he went flying, nearly bowling over the ponies in front of him. Catching himself before he was fully sprawling, and apologizing incessantly to the pony he had almost ran headlong into, he made his way to the front of the bus; this was his stop.

After a moment of burning inside at his own awkwardness outside the bus, Chocolate Milk continued on his way to the college, returning to his private thoughts, though paying more attention to his surroundings. Was it weird for such thoughts to come out of something as insignificant as the pattern on a bus's carpet? Was he weird for his mind to have made such connections? Well, he was already weird, no doubt about that, but didn't anypony else think about things like that? From his own observations, only on occasion; if they were drunk, menstruating, or having a moment of serious thought. Chocolate Milk was none of these things, and nevertheless he thought about stuff like this. All the time, even.

He looked up to find he had arrived at his college, and made his way through a field of students outside the big, brick building. Some classmates of his greeted him, and Chocolate politely nodded or greeted them in turn, but he didn't stop, walking right up to the front doors of the building, "effortlessly" scaling the wide stone steps. After just a bit of heavy breathing, he opened the doors and headed inside, making his way to his first class.

He opened the doors to the lecture hall and chose his usual seat. He was the first one there, as usual. And why should he not be? He didn't have anywhere else to be. He set up his little station, pulling out some necessary papers and unfinished homework and spreading them out on the table in front of him. He could have worked on the homework-the professor would probably call for it today-but he felt that he deserved a break at least once that morning. Not to mention the fact that he was bone tired from having stayed up all night. He stacked up the papers, tapping them square and setting them aside, and put his head on the desk, just planning to rest his eyes.

A loud thwack caused Chocolate Milk to jump back, nearly tipping over in his chair in his sudden awakening. His professor was standing above him, holding the rule he had struck the desk with, "If you don't mind, Mister Milk," he said sweetly in his gruff voice, "We'd like to get started now."

Chocolate Milk nodded, picking up his papers and resorting them, looking around to find the entire hall had been filled while he slept.

His professor, a grey haired pony who had been around the block a few times and just wanted to have a little fun with his job nowadays, smiled insincerely and whispered, "Thank you," he then spun on his hoof and went back down to the floor of the lecture hall, returning to his teaching. Chocolate Milk began taking notes, ignoring the giggles and happy murmurs at his expense behind him.

One horridly tedious lecture on the usage of rhetoric in advertisement later, the students were released for lunch, and Chocolate Milk made his way to the college cafeteria. Just his luck, he had spent all his money on the ridiculous glasses that barely helped at all, and didn't have enough for lunch. Ignoring the loud protests of his stomach, he settled down in his usual seat and pulled out some homework that he really needed to finish, not even bothering to try the first problem before he put his head on the table, sighing in resignation.

His usual tablemates made their respective ways to the seats around him. Isaac, a loud, friendly pony who spoke with his mouth full, sat down next to him with a tray so full you couldn't even see the tray anymore, "Hey," he greeted. Chocolate Milk rose his head to nod and then set it back down, and Isaac continued, "Woah, dude, nice glasses," he chuckled, "You lose a bet?"

Chocolate let out a smile and a huff of laughter, then explained, "No, I just, well, accidentally locked my glasses in my apartment, along with my keys," he pulled off the reading glasses and inspected them, "These are just regular reading glasses I picked up on the way to school."

Isaac nodded, "Nice," and went back to his meal.

Roseluck sat down across from Chocolate Milk, "Hey!" she greeted warmly, "Did you finish it?"

Chocolate let out a laugh at her enthusiasm, but before he could answer, Isaac mumbled loudly around a large bite of hay sandwich, "Finish what?"

"It's nothing," Chocolate immediately insisted.

"Don't downplay it so much!" Roseluck chastised, then turned to Isaac and explained, "Chocolate's writing a book!"

"A book?" Isaac confirmed, finally swallowing his food, "what about?"

"It's nothing special," Chocolate said, looking at his friend. Isaac was an earth pony with golden fur, an unruly scarlet mane, and blue eyes. His Cutie Mark was a sword; he was a metalworking major. He might've been handsome in some sense, but Chocolate Milk couldn't really comment on that. By contrast, Chocolate Milk was a pegasus with brown fur, brown eyes, a brown mane, and his Cutie Mark was a feather in an inkwell, signifying writing. Roseluck was an earth pony as well, with pale yellow fur, chartreuse eyes and a vermillion mane. Her Cutie Mark was a rose; she was a botany major.

"Would you shut up?" Roseluck asked playfully, "It is special!"

Chocolate smiled and moved his brow, "Um, thanks?" he said, laughing at her odd choice of words.

Roseluck giggled, "Shut up! You know what I meant!"

Isaac, still chewing indifferently away at his food, interjected, "So what's it about?"

Chocolate rolled his head side to side modestly. He hated talking about his own writing. Anything of his, really; he still even had trouble telling people his favorite kinds of music. "It's, like, this fantasy story about this guy, who's, like, the protector of the world, kind of thing, and he, like, takes on this apprentice who ends up betraying him," he explained awkwardly, "you know."

Isaac nodded, swallowing his food to put emphasis on his next words, "Dude. Boss." Chocolate smiled and laughed at his seriousness.

Roseluck reiterated her original question, "So did you finish?"

Chocolate shook his head, "no, not yet," he confessed.

Roseluck fell back in a mock pout, then broke it with a smile, "Will you work on it tonight? I really want to read it!"

Chocolate sighed, "I don't know; I didn't get any sleep last night. Like, at all. Literally, none. Like, you know how they say, 'I didn't get any sleep' when they actually mean they had trouble falling asleep? I literally got no sleep-"

"Okay, okay! I get it!" Roseluck laughed, then calmed down and said, "You don't have to tonight if you don't want to..."

Chocolate looked at her. She was wearing a fake pout, puppy dog eyes, the whole nine yards. He looked at her for just a few seconds, then couldn't bear it anymore and sighed, "Alright, fine, I'll do a little writing tonight-a little."

Roseluck immediately brightened up and clapped a little, "Yay!" and finally went back to her meal.

Chocolate looked at his homework once more, then shook his head and packed it away, giving up on it. He then smiled when he remembered the thing he had been planning to say about now, "Hey, I heard a joke the other day,"

Isaac immediately groaned; Chocolate had a reputation for being a bad joke/pun lover. He ignored Isaac and set up the joke, "What did the older chimney say to the younger chimney?"

Roseluck shook her head and shrugged.

"You're too young to smoke," Chocolate zinged. Isaac let out a drawn out "Haaa" of forced laughter, while Roseluck was honestly giggling into her hooves. Chocolate smiled too, but only because he had made Roseluck laugh, and he knew Isaac would be telling that joke later at basketball practice.

Isaac, rolling his eyes, asked, "So dude, are you eating or what?"

Chocolate Milk shook his head, "I'm not hungry," he lied. His stomach immediately roared to life, doing a fine job of demonstrating the mating call of the beluga whale, which contradicted himself. Isaac laughed. Roseluck giggled.

"Why didn't you get anything?" Isaac asked.

Chocolate took off the Ben Franklin reading glasses, "Spent all my money on these cheap glasses," he explained, "Didn't want to, but without 'em I'd be as blind as a bat."

"Aww," Roseluck said sympathetically. She got up and said, "Here, I'll buy you something."

"Oh, no, you don't have to do that," chocolate said quickly.

"It's okay," Roseluck assured, "I just got paid the other day," and she began walking towards the line, then stopped and asked, "What do you want?"

Chocolate was about to tell her to stop, but he was really hungry, so hesitantly, he said, "Anything's fine." Roseluck nodded and walked off.

Chocolate Milk watched her walk away. Her tail swished side to side rhythmically, like it was made out of water. Isaac suddenly broke into his thoughts, saying, "Dude, you like Roseluck."

Chocolate whipped his head around at him. His tray had been reduced to a pile of wrappers, and he was looking at Chocolate with a knowing smile on his face. "What are you talking about?" he asked flatly.

"Don't think I don't notice the way you and her are," Isaac chastised, "I may have only met you just this year, but dude, I know what I'm seeing here."

Chocolate rolled his eyes, "You're crazy," he concluded, shaking his head dismissively.

"How long did you stay up last night?" Isaac interrogated.

Chocolate rose a brow curiously, "all night," he answered.

"And were you writing this whole time?"

"Yeeees," Chocolate answered carefully.

"Were you writing for Roseluck?" Isaac concluded.

Chocolate looked at him, "Isaac, I have absolutely no interest of pursuing any romantic relationship of any kind."

"Well, why not?" Isaac asked.

"I'm a little deficient in a specific area," Chocolate said ambiguously.

Isaac rose his brow, "What area?"

Chocolate Milk gestured to his face, "This area."

Isaac let out a few chortles at that, then calmed down and continued, "Hey, but I bet Roseluck likes you too," he sang.

Chocolate let out a huff of forced laughter, "Ahuh, ahuh, ahuh. No she doesn't, Isaac, we're just friends." Chocolate rolled his eyes, "You don't know what you're talking about."

Isaac shrugged, holding out his hooves indifferently, "Keep thinking that, dude," he picked up his empty tray to go throw away his trash, and as a parting note said teasingly under his breath, "Two'd make a cute couple," and left.

Chocolate turned around and held up his hoof to make a point, then sighed and gave up, laying his head down on the table in recognition.

One grateful meal and yet another tedious lecture later, Chocolate Milk found himself on the bus ride home, left alone with his thoughts once more. He looked down and saw that graphic of the bus he had saw that morning. He was about to ask himself what he could possibly know about the artist, but sighed when he realized he had probably spent too much energy contemplating that, and instead looked out the window at nothing in particular, riding along in silence.

He arrived at his stop and got off, adjusting his sweater. It had gotten hotter than it had been that morning. He walked along, not really paying attention to the path he took. He knew he should've been thinking about his schooling, or something actually productive, but all he could think about was Roseluck.

In the stories, when the guy longed for the girl, something otherworldly happened that forced the two to interact and eventually fall for one another, but in reality that never really happened. Yet another limitation of completely unremarkable, ordinary, real life. One could write all the fantastic stories they could, fabulous settings with lovable characters doing amazing things, and real life just wasn't that exciting. Sometimes real life was a let down, and maybe that's what drove Chocolate Milk to be a writer, because he wanted to convince himself that there was something out there, somewhere, something better. Even if he had to invent it himself.

That went to an ominous place very fast. Chocolate shook his head, returning to Roseluck. He had no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship, but that didn't mean he wouldn't accept one if it came along. Especially if it was Roseluck. But Roseluck would never do anything like that, she was just a friend.

Chocolate Milk sighed to himself, "A friend," he muttered under his breath. He had reached his apartment complex, and began the trek up to the third floor where his apartment was located. Why did he feel like this? He would never ever overextend himself for the sake of anypony, preferring rather to stand alone if necessary, and befriending anypony who approached him first. Why was this?

Chocolate Milk had thought about this before, and he knew the answer already. It was a strange combination of humility and spite. Humility because he didn't feel his opinions, his problems, or his feelings were important enough to be independently voiced, so he stayed politely quiet, only speaking when spoken to. Vice versa, he didn't feel that his opinions, his problems, or his feelings were important enough to other ponies, so he silently refused to even voice them. Why should he reveal his inner self to a cruel, indifferent world? That was the strange balance.

Chocolate reached his apartment and opened the door. Except he didn't, because the door was locked and his keys were inside. He let out a long, slow sigh of resignation, and finally giving up, just took off his saddlebags and leaned against the door, sliding down to the dirty carpet floor. He leaned his head back, thumping it on the door. Yup, sometimes real life could be just a let down.