The hot African sun of the mid-afternoon glistened down upon the sahara landscape of the nation of South Africa. A giant throng of mourners gathered in the city of Johannesburg, laying their hands upon the black coffin. Tears streamed down their chocolate faces as they paid their respects to the greatest man who had ever lived. And if you don’t agree with that assessment, that makes you a racist.
The coffin was lowered into the ground as a twenty-one vuvuzela salute echoed out across the landscape. As Mandela lay resting, the widow Winnie Mandela paid her respects to her husband and gave a speech.
“Nelson Mandela was a fine man. Whenever I went out to put flaming tires around the necks of my political opponents, ol’ Nellie never wanted any part of it. The fact that he could be married to someone like me and not divorce me or resort to violence himself proves that he was quite a saint.”
The crowd clapped. Except for the white farmers, who were fearful for their lives as they had been ever since 1994. Thankfully, only twelve people were shot during the funeral, and only thirty were raped, and of those thirty, only twenty-eight of them got HIV/AIDS. South Africa is quite a lovely place ever since apartheid ended, isn’t it?
Don’t get me wrong. I went surfing in Joburg once during winter break and it was fucking incredible. The scenery is gorgeous. Just don’t go out at night at all, or be white, period.
Meanwhile, the departed dear leader found that he was lying in a strange place.
“He just landed here,” said Fluttershy.
“What an odd dress he’s wearing,” said Rarity, poking and prodding at his clothes with her horn.
“Who or what d’you reckon he is?” said Applejack, quite southernly.
Finally, Mandela opened his eyes and discovered that he was surrounded by a fuckload of multi-colored ponies.
“Where am I?” Nelson Mandela asked. “I’m not in prison again, am I? Is this heaven, or hell?”
“You’re in Equestria,” said Rainbow Dash. “This is the town of Ponyville.”
Nelson “The Dela” Mandela stood up onto his feet.
“What are you, anyway?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“I’m a human person,” Nelson “M-dog” Mandela said, brushing the dirt off of his suit and poppin’ his colla. “I come from a place called South Africa, which is on a planet called earth.”
They all shook his hand. He glanced at each of the ponies, and around the town. He noticed that they were all colors of the rainbow, and all got along great with each other. Except Rarity and Rainbow Dash, who I don’t think have ever said so much as ten fucking words to each other throughout the entire show.
“Ah, all the different beings of all the different colors and races are together in harmony,” he said. “I must be in heaven, after all.”
“Races and colors?” asked Fluttershy.
“Well,” answered Mandela, “On earth, some beings are actually stupid enough to think that something like the color of your skin makes you a worthy or unworthy person. That color makes you different from other humans. They’re the same sort of OCD people who eat all the red Froot Loops first, then the orange, then the yellow, then so on."
”Ah. Well here in Equestria, the color of our fur ain’t what makes us different from each other,” said Applejack.
“Oh, so it’s the content of your character?” asked Mandela.
“No, silly!” said Pinkie Pie, bouncing up and down. “It’s whether you’re a unicorn, earth pony, or pegasus!”
“What’s that?” asked Mandela, raising an eyebrow.
“I’m a unicorn,” said Rarity, demonstrating some levitation magic with her horn by picking up a rock off the ground.
“I’m a pegasus,” said Rainbow Dash, flying up into the air to show her wings off.
“And I’m an earth pony!” said Applejack, not really doing anything in particular.
“Interesting,” said Nelson Mandela, tapping his foot. “So the different races here do different things?”
“Yes,” said Twilight Sparkle. “We have different jobs depending on what we can do. I do all sorts of magic.”
“I farm,” said Applejack.
“And I fly around and change the weather,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Well, say that a unicorn or a pegasus wanted to farm?” asked Mandela, pointing towards them. “Would you let them?”
“Well, no,” said Twilight Sparkle. “All the farms belong to earth ponies.”
“So there’s a law against it? That’s not very good,” said Mandela accusatorirarily.
“No, you don’t understand,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Non-earth ponies can’t farm at all. ”
“I think that’s just a racist, outdated ideology,” said Mandela. “I’m sure the other types of ponies can farm just as well as earth ponies. Saying that they can’t is just your prejudices, like saying that blacks can’t be good at math or whites can’t be good at sports.”
“I don’t think you see what I mean. It’s physically impossible for unicorns or pegasi to grow crops,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Just like it’s physically impossible for a pegasus to do magic, or for a unicorn to change the weather except for that one episode where I did,” said Rarity.
“Also, unicorns can make food like oranges out of other things like apples, or frogs,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“So unicorns are allowed to do whatever they want, but the other two races are stuck in whatever duty they have by birth? That sounds like apartheid to me,” said Mandela, frowning as he crossed his arms.
“No, it’s not apartheid!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “Uh, Twilight, what’s apartheid?”
Mandela answered, “It’s a system in which the races live apart from each other in segregation, and are limited in their employment based on their race.”
“Live apart? Oh, you mean like Cloudsdale?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Ah, so you do have apartheid!” Mandela exclaimed. “Looks like my work isn’t yet done. I know that I woke up here in Equestria for a reason. I now believe that this reason is to end apartheid here just like I did in South Africa!”
Nelson Mandela’s eyes lit up as he ran off. The other ponies glanced at him in confusion.
“Citizens of Equestria,” Mandela spoke into a megaphone from in front of the royal palace in Canterlot. “Are you tired of not being able to live where you want? Not being able to do magic, or farm, or change the weather, just because of your race? We need to stand up and end apartheid! End racism, and let ponies live wherever they want and hold any job they want!”
The crowd murmured in confusion. A few of them giggled. Mandela frowned. Why did nobody want to end this clearly unjust system?
Suddenly, Mandela was approached by a unicorn royal guard.
“Alright, bub. Whatever it is that you are…”
“Human,” answered Mandela.
“Ah. Well off to the loony bin with you!”
Before he knew what was happening, Mandela found himself being carried in the unicorn’s magic. The guard took him to the dungeon, where he was dressed in a straightjacket and thrown into an insane asylum.
In the Together Countries, which was Equestria’s version of the United Nations, all the delegates of all the nations of the world sat for a conference.
“So ho ho, did jou hear about zat Mandela character?” asked the griffin ambassador, smoking a cigarette and wearing a beret. “Apparently ze man was protesting against racism in Equestria.”
“There isn’t racism in Equestria. Mandela was an insane human from a place called earth. We had no choice but to lock him up!” spoke the Equestrian ambassador, Dancing Delegate, as he slammed his hoof onto the desk.
“I don’t know, that sounds like unjust imprisonment to me,” said the Changeling ambassador, snickering.
“Imprisonment? Oh, you’re one to talk! Let any of those pony prisoners out of their cocoons, changey?” scoffed Dancing Delegate.
“Changey? That’s a racial slur!” the Changeling ambassador said, recoiling.
“Oh, come on, it’s not racist!” said Dancing Delegate, blushing.
“Racist I think it is indeed. You must not judge a being by his creed,” said the zebra ambassador.
“Oh, can’t you talk normal for once?” Dancing Delegate groaned, rolling his eyes. The zebra opened her mouth in shock.
“Wow, I had no idea that our southern neighbors were so racist, eh,” said the Crystal pony ambassador, who took a sip from his glass of maple syrup.
“Crystal Carl? You too? But you’re our colony; you’re supposed to agree with us!”
“And that’s another thing, too. Keeping colonies is something you should not do,” said the zebra ambassador.
“And how about those buffalo? They don’t get an ambassador here at the Together Countries?” asked the dragon ambassador.
Dancing Delegate blushed slightly. “Listen, can everypony just talk about something else, here?”
“Why do jou call us all 'ponies?' Zat iz disrespectful to our true identites,” said the Griffin ambassador.
“Ugh,” the pony ambassador sighed. “Aren’t there more important issues for the world community to focus on? Like the war between the zebras and the griffons where they used chemical weapons? Or that the changelings still keep slaves?”
“They’re called drones!” the changeling ambassador said, scoffing. “Your nation is very racist. Mandela was right!”
“All in favor of Together Countries levying sanctions on Equestria?” asked the dragon ambassador. Everydragon, changeling, zebra, griffon, and other person besides the Equestrian ambassador raised their claw, hoof, or talon into the air.
“It’s settled, then!” the Griffon ambassador said. “Until Equestria ends apartheid, gets rid of their colony in the Crystal Empire, and quits being racist, we won’t trade with them at all!”
Three months later
Thousands of ponies gathered into the “Hooves Across Equus to End Apartheid” concert hall. It was a benefit concert that had been set up by the nations of the world who were opposed to Equestria’s continued apartheid and racist policies.
The ponies screamed and hollered as DJ Pon-3, Octavia, Pono from MUle2, John Mare, Steven Coltus Chapman, and Green Neigh took the stage one after another singing about how bad apartheid was.
Bon Bon and Lyra watched the concert from their TV at home.
Lyra asked, “Uh, I know apartheid is bad and all, but non-pegasi really can’t go to Cloudsdale, and unicorns and pegasi can’t farm. Earth ponies and pegasi certainly can’t cast magic without horns. Why is this what the entire world is focusing on? Shouldn’t we be focused on bigger problems like world hunger, or the threat of thermomagicalnuclear war, or the fact that dubstep is still legal?”
Bon Bon gasped. “Racist!” she yelled.
“I’m not racist, I’m just saying that this is impossible to fix, and is a minor problem compared to--”
“Get out of my house!”
“But this is my house, too… we live together,” said Lyra, rolling her eyes. But it did no good. Her roommate grabbed her by the hooves and threw her out the fucking window.
Lyra moaned, her coat ripped apart by glass shreds and the thorny rosebush that sat beneath the windowsil that she’d landed in.
“And take this weird fucking fetish bullshit with you too,” said Bon Bon, throwing out dozens of hand-shaped dildos and vibrators onto Lyra’s bleeding, glass-covered body.
This scene was repeated all throughout Equestria, with ponies who supported apartheid being ridiculed and being called terrible ponies for being racist.
Soon, a crowd gathered outside of the Canterlot Dungeon and demanded that Nelson Mandela be released.
“Release Mandela! End Apartheid!” they all screamed and held signs. Anypony who opposed them found a burning rubber tire around their neck, or their homes ransacked and their valuables stolen, or their power lines cut.
“Okay, okay, fine. Fucking Christ,” said Princess Celestia, rolling her eyes. She levitated a pen in her magic and signed a decree which ended apartheid, let the Crystal Empire have its independence, and released Mandela from prison.
“Woohoo!” exclaimed Mandela as he emerged from the insane asylum, holding a piece of paper with a red stamp on it that said “Sane.”
“Today is a momentous occasion,” said Nelson Mandela, the new President of Equestria, from in front of a podium. “Today is the first day that farms shall be open to all. All the farms shall be confiscated from the earth ponies and given out equally to the pegasi and unicorns. The earth ponies won’t get any of it back because we need to make up for lost time.”
Yeah, I know that it was Mugabe and not Mandela who confiscated the farmland, but just roll with it, okay?
“Additionally,” said Mandela, “For the first time ever, non-pegasi will be allowed to live in Cloudsdale! This hot air balloon behind me will carry the earth pony and unicorn settlers to their new homes.”
The crowd cheered at the balloon behind Mandela, which held a dozen unicorns and earth ponies. Mandela walked over, cut the red ribbon, and got into the balloon. With that, the balloon soared up into the air to Cloudsdale.
They landed next to a cloud street.
“Come on, everybody, let’s all jump out at once!” said Mandela. He and all the ponies jumped out onto the clouds. Since only pegasi can walk on clouds, they promptly fell through and plummeted to their death. Except the unicorns, because they can levitate themselves, so they just floated back into the balloon and went back to the ground after realizing that Cloudsdale is kind of a shitty fucking place to live for non-pegasi, anyway.
Wait, if unicorns can use magic on themselves, why didn't Rarity save herself all those times she was falling to her doom? I guess they can only use it for midair hugs or annoying Pinkie Pie, and not when it's actually fucking important.
Author's Note
I'm done. Please leave a comment telling me what a horrible person I am.
