Of Birds and Bees and Awkward Things

Chapters

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Chapter 1

Ok. It’s been a while, but you are sooooo ready for this, girl. Alright. Checklist:

Celestia, golden princess of the Sun, diarchal ruler of all pony-kind, was nervous. It was a pleasant sort of nervous; that silly kind where you fret over every little thing even though you knew none of it mattered. Perhaps excited would be a better word, but excitement for the princess was usually all about action. There would certainly be one kind of action happening tonight, oh yes, but this was the fun, fluttery-heart variety, not any of that nasty violent nonsense.

Anyway, checklist:

Was the room properly furnished for entertainment? Nice couches, stylish wall hangings and art and such? Good conversation pieces, if that should come up? Warm, friendly color scheme? Check!
Was the room properly furnished for the other kind of entertainment? Lots of firm, easily reachable pillows in case the height difference required repositioning? Big, spacious bed that had never once been used for sleeping? Stain resistant everything? Check!
Refreshments? Terrorizing the night shift is fun and all, but I probably won’t be in the mood to have to sneak off to the kitchen in the middle of the fun, thought Celestia. Therefore, she chewed at the end of her quill and turned a critical eye to the small table full of goodies she had set up. Lots of high-energy foods? Plenty of thirst quenchers? Fruits and honey and other things that had been included for reasons completely unrelated to nutrition? Check!

Celestia began humming tunelessly to herself as she marked off one point after another. Her little smile widened and grew a bit more lascivious with each check. It really had been too long since she’d gotten to use this particular list. What’s it been now? A year and a half almost? You have got to start getting out more, honey. Moving on…

Other refreshments? Libations of every imaginable variety, stashed in a knock-resistant bar behind the quite solid billiards table (Like the bed, these structures were mostly used for things other than their intended purpose)? Check! Celestia was partial to wine and sweet liqueurs herself, but everypony was different, so she made sure to have something for everyone.
Other fun things? A table full of lotions and oils and several other, less mentionable toys and novelties? That wonderful little book by a Saddle-Arabian ‘friend’ of hers, the one that listed pretty much everything two or more lovers might do with nothing but each other and a bit of creativity? The one with the pictures? Oh my yes. Double check! Sure, she’d tried pretty much everything in the book before, mostly with the author, but what if she got excited and forgot one of her favorites? It would be a terrible disservice to both herself and her soon-to-arrive guest.

She Who Brings the Light squealed a girlish giggle and pranced about her lavishly appointed ‘guest room.’ This is going to be so great! Celestia glanced up to check the ridiculously ancient grandmare clock. Her partner for the evening was known for unerring punctuality, among many, many other things. They had agreed to meet at 6 o’clock. That gives me another, let’s see, er, little hand is over there, um…eleven minutes. Right. Perfect. Plenty of time. As the incarnate force of nature that literally determined the time of day, Celestia found dealing with artificial time-keeping to be a bit tricky. It was never quite accurate. She chose to abide by the clocks anyway; ponies had put so much effort into those devices, it felt rude to tell them they were wrong.

Celestia made one more circuit of the room before returning to her list. Oh, right! Towels! Always good to have a few of those around for when things got pleasantly messy. Celestia skipped, giggling, into the inordinately large bathroom to grab a few, which she placed strategically about the room. She left the door open, just enough to show off the absolutely decadent sauna within. Getting clean together could be just as fun as getting dirty, after all. Looking down at the remainder of her list through irrepressibly smiling eyes, Celestia continued her task.

Crown? Check! Over the years, Celestia had found that, when asked the question of “Crown off, or on?” her mates had almost invariably answered “On, please.”
Cheesy line prepared for her partner’s arrival? Romantically silly banter was an important part of any date. It put ponies at ease, and set a playful, lighthearted mood. Nervous dates were the worst! Celestia reviewed her planned opening line. Yes, yes that should get a smile, at the very least. Check!
One Sexy-as-Tartarus Princess who is totally ready for this?

Celestia looked herself over in a mirror. There were several in the room, mostly focused around the bed. Hmmm. Mane? Looked good, flowing nice and slow. She’d decided to go with her sparkly pink look, what she liked to call her 'off-duty' mane. Her lovers seemed to prefer it that way, said it made her seem more approachable. Check! Tail? Also good. She had it pulled into one of those little bows that tied right up near the rump, keeping the whole thing in the upright position. Very nice. Check! Pretty little baubles of jewelry on her neck and just a bit of make-up, tastefully applied, as dictated by current fashion? Check! That pair of heels that pushed up her back legs and oh-so-nicely emphasized the Royal Plot? Check! Black corset and lacey panties that showed off that alluringly sleek figure? Check! She did a little shake in front of her reflection. Hmm. Should she maybe go with a saddle instead? Lose the underwear? Put on some stockings? Socks, they called them nowadays. Ponies really seemed to be into socks lately...Was it too much? Not enough? Oh, whatever, it was all going to be thrown on the floor soon anyway. Celestia did a gleeful little dance and giggled a sound that could best be described as *squeeeeeee* and then strutted her way to large floor cushion near the door. She lay down upon it, placing herself in such a way as to make certain that anyone entering the room could clearly see exactly what they were getting themselves into. Get it? Getting into? She laughed at her dumb little joke and sighed happily. She didn’t get nearly enough opportunities for innuendo these days.

Double check to number 8!

After one final glance around, she floated over a very tasteful bucket of ice full of very fancy bottles of very expensive chilled champagne and placed it next to her perch. She checked the clock. Only eight minutes now. Silencing the ever-present voice of her inner worrier, Celestia took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and waited.

~~~

Twilight Sparkle knew she was supposed to be at home with her parents tonight. The Princess had set up a pegasus chariot just for her and everything. She figured it’d be ok though. How could anypony get mad at her for wanting to study more? See, she had started reading ahead in the book for one of her classes (Metaphysics and You: A Beginners Guide to Things That Should Not Be) and it was really interesting but she got confused about a couple of parts in it and the Princess had said she could always come by and ask her about anything at any time and so she totally wouldn’t mind if Twilight came by to get help right? Right. Sure, Princess Celestia had said something about being busy with something tonight and had even made special arrangements to get her home before sundown, but this stuff was just so neat and Twilight hadn’t been able to put it down and so she missed her ride. Home was boring anyway, and Mom and Dad were no help with homework.

A quick moment of panic struck the student; the chariot team wasn’t still waiting for her was it!? No, no, that’s silly. It had been hours now.

~~~

On a landing balcony, far across Canterlot Castle, a team of pegasi was seriously regretting those last cups of coffee.

~~~

Besides, Celestia could fix it even if they were. She could fix anything! All Twilight had to do was find her.

She glanced around as she trotted through the halls of the castle. It was really quiet tonight. The only sounds were the click of her hooves on the stone floors and the subtle song of her own magic. The Princess had recommended that she practice her spells whenever possible, and Twilight had taken that to heart. As such, she was carrying her book, notes, and a quill or two via magic, even though she had a perfectly good saddlebag. Twilight could lift almost five things at once now! That was like, amazing for a unicorn her age! Everypony said so.

Twilight approached the enormous doors of the royal throne room. If Princess Celestia was busy, she’d be in here right? This is where business got done, so, according to logic, she must be in here. There weren’t any guards outside, which was kind of strange, but that was fine because Twilight was almost eleven years old now and only babies were scared of being alone in big, echo-y rooms with a bunch of kind-of-creepy statues and stuff. Because things like the Crooked Mare and nuckalevee totally weren’t real. Everypony knew that. Twilight shivered a bit, but only because it was kind of cold in here, then knocked politely on the throne room door. The taps reverberated through the entire hall.

Twilight shifted back and forth while she waited for an answer. Seconds passed. She made occasional quick glances behind her down the long, empty hallway.

More seconds passed, and still no answer. Twilight pressed an ear up against the door. Total silence.

*Fwup!*

Twilight froze at the sound, eyes going wide. It was behind her. In the long, empty hallway. Probably just a, uh, moth, or something. Right? Right. She turned slowly and saw…nothing. Oh, wait, one of the lamps had gone out. She let out a nervous little laugh. Of course. Lamps went out all the time. Nothing spooky about a lamp spontaneously extinguishing itself at this particular time, when she sitting here, alone, outside this door.

Twilight whipped around and knocked on the door with much more conviction this time.

No answer.

Twilight risked another look back. Still nothing. Not that there would be anything. Because ghosts and stuff aren’t even real. Still staring over her shoulder, Twilight groped blindly with a tendril of magic for the latch Princess Celestia had taught her was in the throne room door and popped it open. She pushed the door open just enough to squeeze her head through and said…

“Uh, sorry for intruding, but, I um…” She stopped when she realized she was speaking to a vacant room. The throne sat unattended. The guards were absent.

“Ok, no problem Twilght. Nothing weird about the royal throne of Canterlot being left completely unguarded. It is kind of late after all. The princess is probably just…” It wasn’t until she heard the echo of her own voice that Twilight realized she was talking to herself. She snapped her mouth shut, struck a brave pose, and finished her thought. Probably just in her room. Or something. Everything is totally normal and nopony was eaten by a grue. Better go check.

Twilight zipped out the door and ~~fled in terror~~ bravely galloped through the corridors of the castle. After an interminably long run, she slid to a halt just outside the Princess’ chambers. Twilight had yet to see a single other pony. Twilight had spent years in this castle, and it had never occurred to her how ~~eerily tomblike~~ quiet this place could be when nopony else was in it. As a completely logical, thoroughly un-frightened student of science and magic, Twilight had to admit that even she was getting a bit concerned about this. No problem though; once she found the Princess, all would be well.

The student stopped to collect herself. She brushed her hair down, took a deep breath, and gave a polite knock.The door creaked open at her first touch. It hadn’t even been latched. It was dark inside.

Twilight certainly did not start to panic. She checked the little collection of scholarly items she was carrying in her magic field. Ok, her magic wasn’t fritzing out. That meant it couldn’t be the Crooked Mare. But it was dark…a grue!

She pushed the door open with agonized trepidation.

“Princess?”

No answer. One lamp, dimly shining from the desk on one side of the room, was still lit. Whew, thought Twilight, not a grue then. The room was empty. Well, it was full of stuff, bit of a mess, really. But no Princess. A window was open, leaving the room naked to the night winds. A plate sat upon the nightstand near the huge banister-bed. There was half a sandwich left on it. Twilight crept into the room on the tips of her hooves. A chill breeze blew in through the window.

Oh no! She had read about things like this! Ghost ships! And Roan-Oak island! Ponies just disappeared, leaving stuff like half-cooked meals and running baths, and nopony ever found out what happened to them! The Princess was in trouble! Twilight had to do something. She had to tell the Prin…Oh no! She couldn’t tell the Princess! There was no Princess! Twilight realized she was hyperventilating, and forced herself to stop, breathe slowly, and think.

Ok, it’s a bad situation. How would Daring Do deal with this? That helped. Daring Do wasn’t just an adventurer after all; she was smart, too. She was a detective. Ok, what do we know?

Not much, really. Everybody in the castle was gone, and had been for at least a few hours. Twilight should have been at home, but she had sort of accidentally chosen to stay. So. That made her…the wildcard! The monkey wrench in the villain’s plan. Twilight liked the sound of that.

Ok, what can we do about it? Hrmm. She had a book, a quill, some notes, and saddlebag full of odds and ends…wait! She knew the perfect spell for this!

Twilight rummaged through her bag the earth pony way (opening it with her teeth and stuffing her face in) and pulled out one of her most prized possessions, her own personal little treasure. It was kind of embarrassing, and nobody knew about it, not even the Princess but it was perfect for this situation. Was it destiny, Twilight wondered, that she would just happen to be to only one in the castle who hadn’t disappeared, and one of the few who could make this particular spell work? It must be!

The object Twilight reverently pulled from her bag was a little red bow, tied around a long, shimmering cord. It flowed to and fro with a will all its own, and perpetually glimmered in a rainbow of iridescent color. It was a single ethereal thread, fallen from the mane of the ruler of Equestria. Twilight had found it on the castle grounds outside, during one of the Princess’s mandatory exercise sessions. Twilight secretly hated those, but, as the Princess said “The body is the temple of the mind, and a great mind requires an equally great body.” Twilight had never been entirely sure why she had kept it, or why she hadn’t told anyone. It just made her feel better. Sometimes she got scared at night, out in her big tower, so far away from her parents, and yes, even her stupid jerk-face big brother, and it helped, for some reason. It even smelled like the Princess. Was that weird, to notice that? It was probably weird.

Anyway, none of that mattered. What mattered was that Twilight now had an intimate sympathetic link between herself and Princess Celestia, which meant that she could use Fact Finder’s Flawless Friend Finding Frequency to track her mentor, no matter where she might be. Twilight clapped her hooves in glee; she’d never gotten to actually use this spell before.

Curbing her excitement, Twilight sat on the plush rug in the center of the room and placed the little bundle in front of her. She relaxed her mind, just like she’d been taught. She banished her slightly manic stray thoughts, felt the quiet stirring of the fall breeze, and let the magic flow like liquid silk through her horn to lightly touch the knot of mane before her. She looked for connections. She almost lost her hold; there were just so many! This thread was mystically tied to everything; every object in the room cried out for her attention, like they wanted her to find them. Near at hoof was the bed, a brush, the desk. The shower, and uh, other bathroom fixtures. Twilight tried not to think about that too much, instead letting her fascinating new senses venture further out. She could feel the pull of the throne, the halls of the castle, several statues and paintings. Did the Princess like those more than the others? The bakery in particular seemed to have seen a lot of the Princess lately…

Her breath caught as Twilight wandered further out and realized she could feel the Sun, even now, at night. She could feel the Moon, the stars! The seas and winds! She…not now. Later. Concentrate now.

The junior wizard pulled back, and tried to focus back in on the castle itself, let it tell her its story. Yes, the Princess had gone through here, touched this door, walked upon this carpet. And then…there. She had it!

Twilight opened her eyes, a beatific smile upon her face. The Princess was so amazing! Did she feel all that stuff, all the time? Just…wow! Twilight shook herself free of the clinging, mystical euphoria. She had a job to do. The Princess was in danger! Twilight grabbed her things, stuffed them into her bags and set off at a brisk canter.

~~~

It was only a matter of minutes before Twilight arrived. The room was in one of those many wings of the castle that Twilight had never gotten around to exploring. Good thing she was the smartest, most daring student ever, who was definitely prepared to handle any monster or ghost or whatever, or she never would have found it.

The most daring student ever hesitated when she reached the door. It was slightly ajar. Warm light and soft music spilled out into the hall, and it smelled like sweet perfume, but she couldn’t see anything inside. It didn’t seem dangerous. That was probably just what the villain wanted her to think. Should she scream a scary battle cry as she burst in, like Zena, Warrior-Baroness of the Zebra, always did? Or just waltz in casual-like, as if this were all part of her brilliant plan? Should she try to be sneaky and peek in first?

Twilight looked back down the hall she had just walked down. Empty and silent, just like the rest. She shivered.

Padding up to the door as quietly as possible, Twilight raised a hoof.

~~~

Celestia opened her eyes as she heard a polite knock on the door, which she had left slightly, invitingly ajar. Aww, she thought. So considerate. Early though. Her date, one Purple Prose, gentlepony extraordinaire, was usually strictly punctual. Not early, not late, but always exactly on time. It was three minutes too soon. No matter, early was all the better! Avidly watching the door, Celestia readied her most sultry of tones. Now! Deploy cheesy line!

“Oh, do come in. My body is soooooo readAAAAUUUUUUGH!!!”

Celestia panicked, leaping several feet through the air before even beginning to consider what she was doing. Most ponies would have simply covered up, or demanded the intruder get out, or something equally reasonable. But then, most ponies don’t have access to world-shaping cosmic might. Given what could have happened, Celestia’s response to the little nub of purple unicorn horn that pushed past her door was actually fairly measured. In her rush to simply be away, the princess forced a ‘blink;’ she bent the entire world around her in such a way that she would end up somewhere, anywhere, that Twilight couldn’t see her. Alas, she failed to specify a particular location, or method, and so the spell tore a few-meter-in-diameter hole in reality around Celestia and then moved the universe so as to drop her in the closest place it could find that would be outside of Twilight’s vision. More or less.

“Princess!” shouted her student, throwing the door aside as she leapt through. “Are you ok!? I was so, uh. I…”

She of the Divine Light fell to floor behind a big, round bed. In the same room she had started in. The bucket of wine, glasses thereof, and a large chunk of the floor came with her. There was a very dignified “Oof!” and good deal of clattering as Sol Invicta hit the ground.

Sweet Fudging Skies Above Gosh Darn it! Celestia ground her hooves into the floor in panicked frustration, shredding the carpet and pulverizing the shattered stone beneath it. Why was Twilight even here!? She was supposed to be at home! She had planned this all out over a week ago!

“Um, P…Princess?” Twilight Sparkle was very confused right now. What was going on here? Why would the Princess scream and disappear like that? And what was she wearing? Maybe she really was in trouble…Twilight quickly scanned the room around her. What she saw did nothing to alleviate her befuddlement.

Celestia attempted to calm herself. Ok. No problem. Just need to think for a second. She had to say something. Some kind of explanation. Something that would keep Twilight from asking questions. Sure. Easy. You’ve bested the impossible before. You’ve built an immortal empire from the primal chaos , defeated Madness itself, bested a dragon in arm wrestling despite not even having hands yourself. You can make this right, you just need a second to think.

Then, enveloping Celestia in a moment of sublime terror unlike any she had felt since the reign of Discord, she heard the thumping of heavier hooves. Another, older voice spoke.

“Mi’Lady!? I heard a scream! I, oh, hello there, Miss Sparkle…”

Celestia thumped her head against the ground, crushing another chunk of very expensive flooring. Why!? Why now!? It was Purple Prose of course, her erstwhile date. Just trying to be helpful, surely, but there could not have been a worse time. She must look ridiculous, trying to hide behind this stupid bed. Her tail, bow and all, was surely sticking up past the mattress, to say nothing of her wings, which had flared in fear and had yet to come back under control. Oh, and the crown, of course. It wasn’t fair. She had planned for this! Everything should have been covered! How had Twilight even found this place!?

Doesn’t matter now. You have to do something.

Princess Celestia, Mistress of the Radiant Dawn, peeked her head up over the edge of a bed that probably, infuriatingly, wasn’t going to be seeing use anytime soon. Her intended guest was looking with some concern back and forth between the half-hidden Princess and her young student. Her unintended guest was less focused, glancing all around the room. Celestia could practically hear the gears in Twilight’s mind, grinding out more and more and more questions about what she was seeing. She sighed. There was nothing for it then. No getting out of it now.

She caught Prose’s eye. She must have looked terrible.

In point of fact, she looked lovely, especially for someone hiding behind a bed and covered in fresh-ground marble dust. Giving Purple Prose a little shrug and an extremely apologetic glance, Celestia turned to Twilight and said…

“Ah, hello Twilight.” That came out well, Celestia thought. Composed. Regal, even. “I wasn’t expecting a visit from you this evening. Prose, can you please give my student and I a moment?” Celestia sighed internally. Several moments. Way too many moments.

Chapter 2

The door closed with a quiet click. Not one full second later, Twilight started in.

“Um. Who was that, Princess?” Twilight turned from the door and took a quick step forward. “And, you’re ok right? Because I came looking for you because I had some questions about my ‘Metaphysics and You’ book but nopony was in the castle and I checked the throne room and nopony was there and then I went to your room and it was empty and so I thought it might be a grue or the Crooked Mare even though I know she’s not real but then I remembered all those stories I read about whole towns disappearing and I got real worried but then I found you here and you were dressed all funny and…” Twilight plopped her rump down on the floor and looked quizzically at her teacher. “I don’t think I understand what’s happening?”

Celestia took the time provided by Twilight’s ramble to try and accept that she wasn’t going to be having any fun tonight.

“I understand, Twilight, and I appreciate your concern, but yes, I’m ok.” She smiled ruefully from her refuge behind the bed. “And you’re right; the Crooked Mare isn’t real, and I banished the grues a long time ago. You never need to worry that they’ll get anyone. Though I seem to recall that we talked recently about reading scary stories before bedtime…”

Twilight blushed and quickly looked away, pawing the carpet in mild embarrassment.

“Oh, right. I, um. Right.”

“And everypony else is fine as well. I gave them the night off, is all. I wanted the castle to myself for a bit to, ah, visit. With a friend of mine.”

“Oh,” said Twilight, now staring at the floor in honest shame. She’d upset the Princess, butted in on her visit, and all because she’d been too dumb to finish her own homework. And then she’d gotten scared of some stupid kid’s story that wasn’t even true and now Princess Celestia was upset. But she wasn’t going to cry this time, because she was a grown up now.

“I’m sorry, Princess. I’ll just go and…”

Celestia put a smile into her voice and said “Oh, none of that now, my little pony. You haven’t done anything wrong. Chin up.”

Twilight looked up. She was surprised to find that the Princess still lay behind the bed. Usually, she would literally lift Twilight’s chin up with a hoof when she said something like that. Was she hiding back there? Could…could the Princess be embarrassed? Was that even possible?

Celestia caught Twilight’s confusion. She had just barely caught herself before she walked over there to comfort Twilight, panties and all. Right.

“Ah, one moment Twilight.”

Princess Celestia ‘blinked’ again. It was a proper teleport this time, just a little bend in space and time, instead of warping the entire world to her will like before. The universe was going to be a half-second or so off until she undid that…Regardless, Celestia reappeared behind a changing screen set up near the back of the room. Pausing to reflect on this, she wondered why her stupid spell hadn’t just put her there in the first place. Grumbling to herself over this and many other things, Celestia ran back through the list she had been so enjoying just minutes before.

Pretty jewelry and artfully applied make-up? She took it all off, piece by piece, then cleaned her face off with a towel. Uncheck.
Sexy underthings that had seemed like such a good idea at the time? Slipping out of all that, she tossed them onto the floor. She had really been hoping someone else would do that for her. Uncheck.
Crown? Dropped unceremoniously into the pile. Uncheck.
Those heels that showed off her plot so well? Off they went. Uncheck. Mane? Back to its usual pastel polychrome. Uncheck.
Room still full of really embarrassing paraphernalia? Check.
Enough booze around here to make her look like an unrepentant alcoholic? Check.
One frustrated-as-Tartarus princess who is totally not ready for this right now? Double check.

Celestia allowed herself one final bit of grousing, which took the form of a long, primal mental scream of divine vexation. That accomplished, she assumed her best Benevolent Mentor pose and strode, with great poise and magnanimity, out from behind the screen. Twilight was sitting up straight and rigid, ears and eyes forward, in a perfect rendition of a pose Celestia had come to know as Nervous but Attentive Student, Possibly in Trouble. The Princess had heard a little sniffle from Twilight while undressing, and could now see that her student’s eyes were limned in red. Her things: a book, writing tools, a saddlebag, were placed in a neat row beside her, ready for inspection. Poor thing must feel awful, thought Celestia, her previous irritation forgotten. Well, not forgotten really, but at least put into perspective.

Celestia smiled. “You aren’t in trouble Twilight. I told you that you could come find me and ask me anything, whenever you need, and I meant that.” Her student smiled a little at that, but couldn’t stop another little sniffle. “I just wasn’t expecting you tonight. But that isn’t your fault.” Celestia brushed Twilight’s chin with a wing. “Ok?”

Recovering with the speed that only the young can, Twilight smiled again, for real this time, and nodded. “Ok.”

“Good.” Celestia nodded her approval. And now, she thought, returning her wing to her side, for the hard part. She wished Luna were here. Luna had always been better at this…thing. Celestia was at a bit of a loss for how to even begin this conversation. “So…”

Twilight gazed up expectantly. Celestia looked down, perplexed. She glanced at the book her student had brought. She could ask about that. She could probably distract Twilight all night with that book. Maybe she’d even forget all about everything she’d seen in here tonight…

“…”

Coward.

Twilight was still looking up at her.

Errrgh. Just say something. Anything wi—

“You looked really pretty,” said Twilight, pawing the ground again and blushing madly. “Before you took all that stuff off. Were you, um, dressing up for some kind of party?”

Ah, well done, O mighty Celestia. Your decision to sit there like a doofus and be saved by a child was quite successful. Maybe when she gets older you can just hand off all your unpleasant tasks to her.

Wait, this is good! I can work with this!

“Well, not exactly, but tell me Twilight; do you have any other ideas about what was going on, before you opened the door?” That’s the ticket. Can’t go wrong with asking a question.

Her student frowned in thought.

“I, um, no, I don’t think so. But you said you were going to spend time with a friend, right?” She looked to Celestia for approval. When her teacher nodded, she continued. “And you jumped when you saw me come in, because you weren’t expecting me, so it was…a secret meeting? Like a surprise party or something?” Celestia felt a surge of pride for her student. That wasn’t precisely the case, of course, but it was a perfectly logical conclusion given what Twilight had to work with. “And you were dressed up like those pretty mares that were kissing and stuff in those magazines I found under my brother’s bed that one time and—”

Wait, what?

“—he got all upset when he saw me looking at them and made me promise not to tell Mom. Hmm.” Twilight paused a moment, placing a hoof under her chin as she searched for connections between the two events. “He didn’t tell me not to tell Dad though, so I asked him about it and he turned really red and said I should talk to Mom about that but I told him I couldn’t because Shining Armor made me promise and he said I should just ask her anyway but don’t say anything about the magazines and then he left real fast to go to some place called the Pub.”

Oh dear. A wry little smile slowly spread across Celestia’s face.

“Mom wasn’t home though, so I went and asked Miss Cadance about it. She got real giggly, especially after I told her about the magazines with all the pretty ladies in them, but then she said she didn’t know anything about that, but Mom would.” Twilight paused to breathe and rolled her eyes. “I think she might have been fibbing about not knowing anything. And she really wanted to know where Armor was keeping those books, which I thought was weird, but she wouldn’t say why, except that it was for a joke she wanted to play on him and then she made me promise not to tell him she knew about them. I never found out what she did to him…”

Still searching for some clue that she must have missed, Twilight’s train of thought chugged right along.

“So anyway, then Mom got back from her shopping trip with Ms. Whirly Wind and I asked her about why ponies would dress up in see-through clothes and do weird stuff to each other and Ms. Wind started laughing and Mom got all jittery like she was scared or something and…” Twilight’s face fell from intrigued enthusiasm to confused worry. “And she said that proper young ladies didn’t talk about such things.” Worry became hurt as Twilight’s gaze dropped to her hooves. “But, she would never tell me why. And she got mad when I tried to ask again later.” She looked up to meet Celestia’s gaze. “Is that true? Do proper young ladies not talk about some things? Am I…is it bad to ask about this?”

The smile froze on Celestia’s lips. She favored Twilight with a long look while she worked out an approach to this situation. She had watched Twilight’s face run through many emotions in the last few moments. Genuine curiosity and confusion, enthusiasm, minor annoyance, and, at the end there, no small amount of pain. But no shame. No fear that she was wrong or dirty for wondering about these things. Not until she had been told she was.

“Was that all your mother said, Twilight? That proper ponies don’t talk about some things?”

“Um, no.”

She didn’t continue. From a filly who loved to expound as much as Twilight, that silence spoke volumes. An angry little fire lit up deep in Celestia’s chest. This would not do. Twilight Velvet and Night Light would soon be on the receiving end of a long, serious talk about what they were teaching their daughter about life. But her student didn’t need to know about any of that right now. Celestia wasn’t really angry at them, after all. Just a bit disappointed.

“Well,” began Celestia, laying down and raising a wing with a gracious, inviting smile. She forced a bit of levity into her voice. “That’s an easy one.” She waited for Twilight to trot over and curl up by her side before she continued. “There is nothing, at all, that is bad or improper about wanting to know more about the world. Even things like why some ponies might want to dress up in see-through clothes and do weird stuff with each other.”

Twilight nodded, correctly anticipating that her teacher wasn’t done talking.

“The thing is, Twilight, this one can be a difficult subject for some ponies.”

“Like calculus?”

Celestia smiled at that. “No, not exactly. Calculus is difficult because it makes use of concepts that are somewhat outside the natural pony mindset. This one is more of a…social situation. There is nothing more natural in the world, but many ponies find it very unpleasant to talk about. And, unfortunately, your mother’s opinion that ‘proper young ladies’ don’t speak of such things can be fairly common.”

“Um.” Twilight raised a hoof.

“Yes?”

“There’s nothing more natural than wanting to dress up funny and kiss other ponies?”

A tiny crack ran through Celestia’s serene visage. “Ah, many ponies feel that way, yes.”

“But they don’t like to talk about it?”

“Well, not that specifically…”

“So…” Twilight thought that maybe the Princess was waiting for her to figure this out on her own, or ask the right question, or something. “What is it that they don’t like talking about then?”

The crack widened. “Ah. Right.” Celestia realized at this point that she hadn’t ever clarified that, as though she could get through this discussion without ever actually saying the word. “So. What some ponies have trouble talking about is s…” Her Divine Majesty’s tongue sort of seized up. She blinked and tried again. “Sssse…*cough.*” Twilight looked up at her dubiously.

Why is this so hard? Just moments ago your imagination was positively dancing with naughty thoughts.

Perhaps because this is Twilight Sparkle, your darling student, and perhaps you were secretly hoping that she’d never grow up and you would get to keep her as an innocent little girl forever?

Ah, right. Would it be so much to ask to have just a few more years?

Yes! Now get going! You’re supposed to setting a good example! And stop talking to yourself.

Right.

Celestia composed herself and tried to ignore how terribly uncomfortable this conversation was making her. “Sss-sex! They have trouble talking about sex! Do you know what that is Twilight?” An awkward, lopsided grin completed the sorry display.

Twilight blinked and raised an eyebrow at the Princess’s very strange behavior, but obediently recited what little she knew.

“Like, what happens when two special someponies who are happily married, or soon to be happily married at least, love each other very much and want to make babies?”

“Yes!” Celestia nodded, a little more enthusiastically than was entirely necessary. “Mostly. Very good Twilight!” A beat passed.

“Sssssssssooo…” Twilight looked down as she started putting the pieces together: Princess Celestia dressed up like one of those mares in the magazines. A secret party with only one other pony. Making babies…”OHMYGOSH!! Was that your special somepony!? Are you getting married!? Will there be babies!? Can I be a bridesmare!? This is so excit—“

Princess Celestia thumped her free wing against her head a few times while Twilight gabbled on in the strange bliss that inevitably overtook all potential bridesmares.

“Twilight?”

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!”

“Twilight, pay attention. I am not getting married. There will be no babies.”

“Eeeeee—wait, huh? But, I thought that…”

“Yes, I know dear. Lesson one: Sex isn’t always for making babies. Nor…” Celestia sighed. “Nor must it involve marriage or be done with a special somepony.”

“But…” Twilight’s face scrunched up in confusion. “That’s what everypony who will talk about it says. What is it then? I mean, why do you..? Hm.”

“Well, often it is for making babies, and it certainly can be between two loving someponies, but sometimes we do it just…Well, just for fun. Like say, maybe a certain mare has been extra busy lately and is feeling a bit over-worked and lonely and just wants a bit of non-committal company for the evening.” Hmm. Didn’t mean to say all that...Maybe Twilight won’t notice. “That’s perfectly fine too.”

“Oh,” said Twilight, giving the Princess an odd look. “Sex is fun, then? And you can just do it with whoever you feel like?”

“Yes. Wait, no! Not exactly.” This conversation was getting away from her.

“Oh. Hm. So, why is it hard for ponies to talk about then?"

“Well, that’s a big question, Twilight, and it’s one that’s hard for me to answer, you see, because it started a long time ago. And,” Celestia huffed out another little sigh, “to my profound and continual distress, I am at least partially to blame for it.”

Chapter 3

Celestia took a moment, considering how to attack this one.

Ask a question. It worked last time.

Right then.

“Twilight. In the entire time you’ve lived here with me, have you ever known me to have a special somepony?”

“Umm…no?”

“Do you have any idea why that might be?”

‘Because there’s nopony special enough’ would have been Twilight’s first answer, but she didn’t think the Princess would like that, so she just shook her head mutely.

“Well, you see Twilight, I wasn’t always the Princess of Equestria, but I’ve been at the center of it, guarding and guiding my little ponies for a…a very long time now.”

Celestia considered her next words carefully. Don’t want to sound bitter, after all. “I love this place, and my people, and it is my greatest joy to watch them live and grow and change, but sometimes…it gets to be a little much. Sometimes I just want a little space to myself. A place, or thing, or a bit of time that can just be my own, without anyone else knowing about it.” Or reporting it in the daily news. “And one those things, for me, is my, ah, personal relationships. With my special someponies.”

“Oh.” Twilight’s ears fell back in shame as she remembered that she was interrupting the Princess’s private special thing. Fortunately, curiosity overcame, as it always did with her. “Wait. Somepon…ies?” she asked. Then, with rising excitement, “There’s more than one!? You can do that?”

Celestia raised a silencing hoof, but smiled to soften it. “It has been known to happen. But the point is, Twilight, and you may have guessed this already, I am one of those ponies for whom this is a tricky subject.”

Twilight squirmed a bit. Probably upset for making me talk about it. Best to keep going.

“It’s not that I don’t have special someponies, and…” Say it you wimp! “Sex. I most certainly do.” Not as much as I’d like, but anyway. “And of course, there is nothing wrong with being open about it, if you want. It just isn’t something I’ve ever been comfortable revealing to other people. Understand?”

Twilight nodded, thinking of that strand of divine mane she was slightly embarrassed for reasons she didn’t quite understand to be hiding in her bags.

“And that, I’m afraid, is the problem. You see, when some ponies look at me, they don’t see just a pony, exactly. They see a…” Celestia waved a hoof, searching for the right term. “An ideal. A symbol. To them, I’m a shining pillar of all things pure and good and Equestrian. Not so much a person, but a Princess. Their pretty, perfect, pristine, Princess.”

Twilight nodded again, wondering if the Princess were somehow implying that she might not be those things.

“They see that I never married, that I never openly date, that I never engage in any sort of ‘scandalous’ behavior,” not publicly anyway, “and sometimes they get the wrong idea about those things. They try to follow my example, without thinking, without really understanding why I do those things. Sometimes they start thinking that no one should talk about what they and their someponies get up to, behind closed doors. Er, sex, that is. Or maybe they start thinking that those things are just bad. It’s not their fault really. They’re just trying to make me happy, after all. But thinking other ponies are wrong or bad just for being different than me…” Celestia shook her head, a slight frown marring her usual serenity. “It can be very hurtful to those different ponies. And it gets out of hoof sometimes. It makes ponies start doing strange, silly things. Things like, I don’t know, banning dancing between colts and fillies, or…” Celestia looked down at Twilight with a compassionate little smile. “Telling their foals that proper young ladies don’t talk about such things.

Twilight didn’t smile back, but she nodded.

Celestia forged ahead. “And whenever that nonsense starts happening too much, I always go out of my way,” to say nothing of my comfort zone, “to put a stop to it.”

That one had turned out to be a fun decade. A fun, sexy decade...Anyway.

“So you shouldn’t have to worry about any of that from now on. Ok?”

“Ok.” Now Twilight smiled, assured that, as always, the Princess would make it all better.

Last time this came up, Celestia had made use of the ever fashion-conscious nobility. Knowing they would take anything she said and run with it, she’d gathered a captive audience of the more liberal bourgeoisie and let slip her fondness for a certain book. The same little book that was now resting on her table. The one with the pictures. Why yes, her courtiers had all agreed, it certainly was liberating to finally see a book written about this subject. And they would all certainly be purchasing one immediately. That little stunt had solved the problem practically overnight. And made the Grand Galloping Gala worth attending for once.

“And so,” said Celestia. “Here we are. I suppose you have some questions?”

Twilight had many, but she decided to focus on the thing that had most been on her mind for some time now.

“Um,” began the student, readying her notepad. “How does doing sex actually work?”

Ha. ‘Doing sex.’ Adorable.

“Right. So…”

~~~

The discussion of the act itself; establishment of proper terminology, explanation of what went where, how babies were actually made, precautions that must be taken to prevent said babies and so forth, went reasonably smoothly. It was only after Celestia foolishly invited her damnably inquisitive student to ask questions about the various objects in the room that things got really uncomfortable. The ensuing conversation was both long and awkward. Here are some highlights.

***

“Ok, what do you do with this thing?” asked Twilight, enveloping the current object of her investigation in a purple field of magic and lifting it toward the Princess. It kind of reminded her of a smaller version of the foam floaty-toys she had needed to keep from sinking in the pool when she was younger. It was about as thick around as one of her hooves, and not quite as long as her arm. It was made of not-quite-opaque pinkish plastic.

“Please don’t! Touch. That…Twilight” The field around the toy went sharply from purple to golden as the Princess jerked it from Twilight’s hold and placed it back on the table. Twilight recoiled as if struck. Nice going, dummy. You’re supposed to be supportive. Apologize before the waterworks start!

“I’m sorry Twilight. It was wrong of me to snap at you. This one is just…” Just the one thing I was hoping against hope you wouldn’t ask about. So of course you ran straight for it. “Well, never mind. So, this…” Celestia picked the offending object back up off the table and let it drift down to where Twilight could more easily see it. But not touch it. “This is a…” Celestia knew she should just say the words. Just put them out there, keep things simple, and move on. Don’t make it any more awkward than it needs to be. Somehow, though, she just couldn’t seem to bring herself to explain a sex-toy phallus to her student. Yes you can. You can do this. Celestia ran a hoof down her face, stomped it on the floor, and then, bending all of her eons-old will into this one effort, forced her tongue to obey.

“Well, sometimes when a mare, or a stallion, I suppose, is by herself and feeling lonely…”

Celestia made it all the way through her discourse before she realized her eyes were shut tight. She opened them and blinked. “Or you can just use your own hoof. Or, well, you can magic it, too.”

“Oh.” Said Twilight.

There was a moment of silence before she continued.

“Are they really that big?”

***

“That’s what clopping is?”

“Ah, yes Twilight.”

“And you do this with your hoof? In your—“

“Yes, Twilight.” Celestia was doing a lot of interrupting this evening.

Twilight picked one fore-hoof off the ground and pondered it. She glanced back at herself, and then again at the hoof.

Oh sweet pony-feathering skies above, thought Celestia. She’s thinking about it. She’s thinking about it right now, right in front of me!

Twilight turned her gaze back to Celestia, raising a suspicious eyebrow.

“Doesn’t that hurt?”

Celestia wasn’t really ready to go into the discussion of ‘good kinds of hurt,’ so she said “You’ll find those parts of yourself to be surprisingly resilient.” Yes indeed, they can take quite a pounding.

“Hmm.” Twilight pondered her hoof for another moment before placing back on the ground. She did not seem entirely convinced.

***

Twilight put both fore-hooves up on the table and craned her neck, deciding what to ask about next.

“So what’s this stuff?” She asked, referring to a small container full of pale green salve. “Smells minty.”

“Ah, well, that’s…” Celestia deliberated over how best to explain. With a mental shrug, she dabbed a bit of it on her own hoof, and then lightly rubbed it onto Twilight’s fetlock. “Here. How does that feel?”

Twilight tilted her head and observed. “Oh! It’s cold! Kind of.”

“Yes. It will make anything you put it on feel cool like that. And make it a bit more…sensitive to touch. You can…” Oh, just say it, you sissy! “Well, it’s harmless, edible even. You can put it, ah, anywhere. It won’t hurt anything. It feels quite nice, in fact.”

“Neat!” said Twilight, shortly before licking it off her fetlock. She ran it over her tongue, and then poked at the affected spot on her leg experimentally with her other hoof. The feeling there was somehow both numbed and sharpened at the same time. It was kind of intense. “Wait, where else would you put this stuff?”

Another, larger crack formed in the façade of serenity Celestia was desperately trying to maintain. Her ear twitched a bit as she named a few likely places.

***

“So, you mentioned earlier, with the toy thing, that boys can use them too? But, I mean, they already have one right? So…”

“Oh, well Twilight, actually some stallions prefer the, ah, the company of other stallions. That is to say, they enjoy being mounted. As a stallion might mount a mare. And there’s nothing wrong with that.” That last part came out a little quicker than she’d intended. She watched as Twilight turned that one over in her mind for a bit. Please, please, just this once, just don’t ask…

“What do they do with it, though? Because you said the stallion puts his pe—“

“Yes,” interjected Celestia, while Twilight checked her notes.

“…in the mare’s vagi—“

“Mhm,” confirmed Celestia, jumping in again.

“But boys don’t have those. So, where does it go?”

The Mistress of Moon and Sun threw back what was left of her wine, poured another glass, and attempted to clarify stallion-on-stallion interactions to her student. And, to a lesser extent, mare-on-stallion interactions. Because some stallions like mares, but also like being mounted. And there was nothing wrong with that, either.

Twilight looked a bit dismayed, but all she said was…“Huh. I never even would’ve thought of that.”

***

“The whole thing? In your mouth? Really!?” exclaimed Twilight.

“Oh, well, if you can. That takes some practice.” Celestia responded airily. This was actually starting to get kind of fun. Or maybe she was just losing her mind. “If you can do it though, some lucky unicorn is going to love you forever. But don’t feel like you have to. It’s mostly the tip that counts anyway.”

“Wow. Ok.” Twilight glanced up, wondering what at other strange, unknown properties her horn might possess, and then scribbled Celestia’s words down in her notebook.

“It, ah, it works on the other ‘horn’ too. The one that isn’t magic.”

Twilight blinked at her, awaiting further explanation.

“The one only boys have,” said Celestia, pouring herself another glass of wine. “Between their legs.”

“You mean the pen—“

“Yes, dear,” Celestia interrupted again. She could tolerate saying the words herself, but her mind just wasn’t ready to accept hearing little Twilight talk about sex organs and their many wondrous qualities. It was with surprising ease then, that Celestia continued. “That particular act is colloquially known as a, ah, blow job.” There. See how easy that was? “It is considered by many fellows to be life’s greatest gift to stallion-kind.” Hrmm. Didn’t mean to say that part out loud.

“Don’t they um, don’t they go to the bathroom with that thing?” asked Twilight. It was the first bit of embarrassment she had shown this entire time.

“Why, yes. Yes they do. It’s a very versatile appendage.” Celestia shrugged with a little smile.

Twilight stared at her silently for a moment.

“Is sex always so gross?”

Celestia stared back. And then she just laughed; a clear, happy, cathartic guffaw that finally shattered what was left of her serene facade and ended with the Princess wiping away a little tear or two. Oh, my, I needed that.

Twilight wasn’t sure what she had said that was so funny, but at least the Princess was happy now.

“Yes! Yes, I’m afraid so Twilight. That’s part of its charm, really. I hate to use this phrase, but this really is one those things you’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Aww.”

“But,” Celestia leaned in conspiratorially, “while we’re on the subject of gross things you can do with your mouth, let’s talk about mares…”

After expounding on this subject perhaps a bit more than was entirely necessary, Princess Celestia ended with…

“…and if you can do that, it’ll be stallions and mares and unicorns who love you forever.”

“Ew,” responded Twilight.

***

“Ok, so unicorns have the horn thing, and pegasus…es have their wing thing. What do earth ponies have?”

“An excellent question, Twilight,” began Celestia, charitably ignoring her student’s mispronunciation of ‘pegasi.’ “The best known feature of earth ponies is their wonderful insatiability. They can just go on and on.” She sighed, smiling. “They have no special anatomical features, though they do seem to enjoy a bit of ear nibbling more than most.”

“Hmm. Um, what’s ‘in-say-shya-b…’ Twilight’s face screwed up in confusion as she tried to write out a word she had never heard before.

“Insatiability? It means unable to be satisfied. In this context, it means they really like to fu…*ahem.* That is, they are very enthusiastic and long-lasting partners.” Maybe it’s time to stop drinking, thought Celestia, pondering her surprisingly empty glass. Her tongue seemed to be taking its new freedom a bit far.

***

Twilight had been avoiding one particular object in the room. The Princess was known to be sensitive about this subject. Alas, it seemed so out of place that Twilight’s curiosity had finally overcome, and she just had to ask.

“Is that a cake?”

Celestia followed her student’s eyes to gaze longingly at the pastry in question. It was smallish and round, built of three moist and delicious tiers, each a different, more magnificent flavor than the last. It was glazed in intricate, mouth-watering patterns of delicate white and cream-colored icing. A baker’s masterwork, perfection in confectionery form. “Yes,” she sighed wistfully. “Yes it is.”

“…”

“Moving right along then,” said Celestia, finally breaking her reverie. “What else did you want to ask about?”

Having determined that further details of the cake situation were not to be discussed, Twilight grabbed a random object and asked, “What’s um…Hm. What is this thing?”

***

Twilight had finally discovered the book. The one with the pictures. Celestia watched over her student’s shoulder as she absorbed page after page of increasingly improbable sex acts. It was a wonder it had taken so long for her to find it; Twilight usually honed in on anything with text.

Turning to a new chapter, Twilight stopped short.

“Is that a griffon?”

“Indeed, it is,” responded her teacher, swirling the contents of her wine glass.

“And it’s with a, um, with a pony there?” asked Twilight, pointing to the drawing in question.

“Quite so.”

“Can that really happen? I mean, do ponies do that? With griffons?”

Celestia, choosing not to divulge the extent of her experience with that particular subject, replied “They make a rather rare pairing, but yes, it does happen from time to time.”

“Wow. Can they make babies like that?”

“A fine question, Twilight. Yes they can. I’ve met a few in my time, but they’re even more rare than the parents who make them. They’re called hippogriffs. They’re like griffons, except the lions parts are pony parts instead.”

“Neat!”

Twilight continued leafing through the book.

“I don’t think I’ve ever even seen one of these before.”

“Ah,” said Celestia, seriously considering finishing off this glass immediately. “That particular creature is called a minotaur. I would suggest keeping your distance from those. They can be…” egotistical jerks who can’t even be bothered to write after you show them the best weekend of their stupid jerk life! “Difficult. And quite large.” Perhaps their only positive feature.

“Yeah, I, uh, I noticed that part.”

Twilight skipped through the next few pages, looking for the next chapter. Upon reading the title and taking in the accompanying picture, she slowly closed the book and slid it away. She looked a bit ill.

“I think I’m done with this one.”

Celestia suppressed a giggle. It appeared that ‘Dragons, Ponies, and the Making of Love Between Them’ was a bit much for her. I’d think she would’ve loved that one. Takes quite a bit of magic to make that coupling work.

~~~

And then, finally, it was done. Once Twilight had exhausted her inquiries, Celestia extracted from her a promise that she please, please, please not go out and try any of this before she was absolutely certain that she was ready. Except the stuff she could do alone, because that was her own business anyway. Twilight had readily agreed, her mind far too busy bubbling over with new information to even start pondering how to put it all into practice.

Celestia spoke as she walked her student to the door.

“Now, if you have any more questions, I want you to know that you can always come to me. And I’ll inform the librarian that you are to be allowed into the Blue wing of the library from now on.” And no finer a repository of erotic art and literature shall you ever find. “Ok?”

“Yay!” Twilight had always wondered what was in there. There were several wings of the library that she wasn’t allowed into yet, but the Blue Wing had always carried a special mystery. Mostly because the guards suddenly got nervous whenever she mentioned wanting to go there. “And thank you. I, um, just one more thing, before I go? It’s just something you mentioned a few times…”

“Of course.”

Twilight hesitated, and then, with a face full of pure, genuine concern asked…

“Are you lonely?”

Celestia’s heart melted in her chest. “Oh Twilight. Of course not. I have…” Celestia stopped the platitude before it really had time to begin. This was an honest question, and it couldn’t have been easy to ask. It deserved an honest answer. “You don’t need to worry about me, Twilight. But thank you.”

“Oh. Ok.”

“Can you keep a secret Twilight?”

“…Yes?”

“Between you and me,” Celestia paused. “Sometimes, I can be in a room full of ponies, and feel like none of them really know me.”

Having spent so much of her life in the shadow of the most important political figure in Equestria, maybe the world, Twilight knew more about that feeling than she cared to think about. She nodded.

“But it’s ok, because I have friends to keep me company, Twilight. And, of course, I have you, my faithful student.” Celestia stepped in close for a quick nuzzle and whispered “And thank you for asking. It means a great deal to me.”

The faithful student was a bit taken aback, but she quickly recovered. She returned Celestia’s nuzzle.

“Off you go now,” said Celestia, nudging open the door with a wing. “And no more scary stories for you.”

Twilight trotted out into the hall, turning back once to glance again at her teacher. With one last happy little grin, she turned and scampered off back to her room.

It occurred to Celestia that Twilight might get lost. Poor girl had a terrible sense of direction. Well, she had made it here, somehow. Surely she could find her way back. She’d forgotten to ask how Twilight had even found this place…

A rustling issued from one of the couches in the antechamber, followed by a quick yawn, and the thumping of hooves on carpet. It wasn’t but a moment before Purple Prose stepped forward with a small bow and took a seat beside her.

Celestia watched her student canter down the hallway. “You’re still here,” she stated, with pleasant surprise.

“A pony would have to be a fool to abandon an evening with such a lady as yourself. Besides…” Prose fell into a very visible and sensuously exaggerated stretch, followed by a little yawn and a highly suggestive smirk. “A little wait only makes the reward sweeter.” When the Princess didn’t respond, Prose continued, somewhat more seriously. “Is all well, highness?”

Celestia blew out a long breath. “I just spent the last few hours telling my most talented student everything I know about sex.”

“Ahhh. Harrowing, I’m sure. Though, since you’ve brought it up…” said her date, raising one hoof contemplatively. “I could use a bit of a refresher on the subject myself. If only I had an experienced teacher…”

Celestia’s gaze slid over to meet the smiling eyes of the pony beside her. She slipped on her sauciest grin.

“So. Crown on, or off?”

Author's Note

Thus ends my very first bit of (published) creative writing. Huzzah! Hope you didn't think it was too terrible. But just in case, here's a list of people you can blame for the existence of this nonsense. Yell at them.

The inimitable Bad Horse, for writing the first fanfic I ever read. "The Magician and the Detective" proved to me that fan fiction can be every bit as enthralling as any 'real' writing.

The equally magnificent GapJaxie who inspired this story with his much superior "Regarding the Need for Sex Education."

And I'd be remiss to not mention the fine fellow who tricked me into reading and then writing this stuff in the first place, Spice of Life. This is all your fault.

On a side note, some people have asked about Purple Prose, and what that pony's deal is. Er, rather, what that pony's gender is...Fair enough, I was pretty vague about that. So, here's the story.
Prose originally had neither name nor gender; he/she/it/whatever was a complete cypher. The idea was to lead into a joke about how Celestia's date was Your OC Pony. Turns out though, that it's very difficult to write a character that is completely undefined. Thusly, I scrapped that idea, as much as I loved it, and gave the character a name. I left the gender indefinite because I thought it'd be fun to see how people imagined Prose without me telling them anything about him/her.
Despite my plans, Prose started taking on a form and personality for me. In my head, he's male, and if you'd like to know what he looks like, I might point you to a certain very interesting fellow. But you're free to imagine Prose however you wish. That was the original intent, after all.