Breakup, Comfort and Poison Joke

by Eros

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Original Character, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Caramel, Shining Armor, Sex, Big Macintosh, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 2256

When a certain guard fails to show up, Shining Armour intends to reprimand him. Things don't really go as planned.

Big Macintosh works as a guard in The Crystal Empire, but one day, he doesn't arrive. Shining Armour attempts to find him, but what he really finds is something he never experienced before.
Written for my good friend BigMacintosh1.

Contains coltcuddling and will probably turn pretty cloppy, so be warned.
Cover by taira182.

Published 2013-12-09 10:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-09 10:20:02 UTC

Poison Joke is Fun

Blue hooves tapped up and down the vast crystal hallway. A confident white unicorn slowly walked up and down the length of the throne room of the Crystal Empire, inspecting the guards. He frowned as he stared into the steely gaze of the colts in front of him, attempting to make them fidget or become uncomfortable. Despite Shining Armour's best efforts non of them broke. Satisfied that they hadn't, Shining Armour noticed that there was an empty place in the line. Whinnying in anger, he trotted over to the line. Seeing nopony there, he turned to the orange unicorn standing next to the empty space.

"You there!" Shining Armour called out. The orange guard brought his hoof to his head in salute.

"How can I help you sir?" he said in a well rehearsed tone that had been drilled into him as he rose in the ranks of the Crystal Guard.

"Who is the pony that should be standing here, and why isn't he here?" Shining Armour was angry. The Crystal Empire could not afford to show any weakness, and even one missing guard was a sign of bad leadership that he, Shining Armour, Husband of Princess Cadence and co-ruler of the Crystal Empire would be responsible for. When Princess Cadence returned with the representatives from the Griffon Kingdom, the throne room had to be perfect. The guard pony thought a moment.

"He was Macintosh Apple sir. He was posted here a few weeks ago and he has always been punctual sir. Never was late once." Shining Armour scowled.

"Well, he's late now isn't he? Do you know where he is?" The guard shrugged.

"He hasn't been here all day."

Shining Armour was very angry. He was a benevolent co-ruler, but he would not tolerate dissidence from his subjects, especially if they were being paid to safeguard his wife's life and crown. Sighing in irritation, he decided he would find the pony himself.

"Give him a little piece of my mind" he thought smugly. Macintosh Apple was going to wish he had shown up today.

Shining Armour left the throne room and went to the barracks. After checking Macintosh's bed, he found nothing. He then looked in the barracks archives, which contained files with the information and photographs of each pony accepted into the Crystal Guard. He learned that Macintosh apple was a large red stallion with a green apple for a cutie-mark, and Shining Armour couldn't help looking at the picture of Macintosh a little longer then necessary. Still, the file said nothing of where Macintosh was or might be.

Shining Armour decided to return to the castle. He would deal with Soldier Macintosh later. Shining Armour trotted up the flagstones and took a moment to appreciate the beautiful day they were blessed with, as they hadn't had the sun shining quite so bright for a while. Shining entered the main hallway of the Crystal Tower, his pristine white coat shivering as the sunlight was replaced by cool shadow. The interior of the tower was just a beautiful as the outside, with it's flowing tapestries and flickering light blue torches. There were numerous smaller hallways that branched off the main one, most of which led to bedrooms, armories and other things an immortal pony princess would need, which wasn't much.

Shining Armour hated thinking about Cadence's immortality. It was a painful reminder that one day, he would be gone and Cadence would be left alone. It also served to remind him of his own mortality. Turning absentmindedly down a random corridor and lost in his thoughts, Shining Armour's sensitive nose picked up an odd scent. The smell was breathtaking and fresh, almost painfully so. Shining's head began to spin as he inhaled more of the strange scent.

Turning another corner, he was able to make out the source of the odor. In front of the white unicorn was a door, which led to a large, unused storage room. Nopony came in here, as nothing was kept here anymore.

Tugging at the door with magic, it opened revealing an almost empty room. Almost.

Sitting in one of the corners was a large red stallion with a short orange mane, and at his hooves sat a metal bowl, from which a purple smoke flowed. The scent was making Shining Armour's coat tingle and his horn shivered for no apparent reason. The red stallion sat on his haunches with a dazed look on his face.

Shining Armour knew what the smell was now. Poison Joke was a plant that was recently discovered to have certain hallucinogenic properties if rendered into a gaseous form. It hadn't yet been proven to be harmful, and it was becoming popular among the guards. It was tolerated by Princess Cadence because she felt the guards needed to have some form of release, although it was only supposed to be used when not on duty.

"Macintosh Apple. Is that you?" Shining Armour queried. He didn't really need an answer, as the pony in front of him matched the picture perfectly. Macintosh gave him a stoned grin.

"Eeeeeeeyup. Tha's Mister Big Mac tah you" Big Mac obviously had no idea who he was speaking to or what he was saying. He couldn't even focus on Shining Armour, who was growing frustrated. Shining Armour knew he wouldn't get a coherent answer from Big Mac in this state, and the fumes were beginning to make his head feel light.

Deciding to use his last vestiges of common sense before the drug got to him, Shining Armour cast a spell on himself and Big Mac to stop the effects of the Poison Joke. Casting another spell, he evaporated the rest of the petals burning in the metal bowl. Feeling significantly clearer, he turned to Big Mac, who was wide awake.

"Macintosh Apple, I would like to know why you aren't at your post today."

Big Mac rubbed his eyes, but said nothing. He stared at Shining Armour with a profound look of sadness that certainly wasn't in his eyes before.Evidently there was some reason he was using Poison Joke, and Shining Armour felt bad for getting rid of his buzz. Still, Shining Armour wanted answers. Eventually Mac spoke.

"Yer married tah Princess Cadence right?" he asked. What a silly question. Everypony knew that Shining Armour was married to Princess Cadence.

"Yes...?" Shining answered, his voice tilting at the end of his question. He felt like he was speaking to a foal. Big mac looked at the stone floor.

"Yah ever think 'bout what would happen if she left yah?" his question catching Shining Armour completely off guard. Shining couldn't speak for a moment. When he did, his voice had a noticeable tremble to it.

"I... yes, I have. Every stallion worries about that" was all he could say. Big Macintosh shook his head, and Shining Armour could see tears form in his eyes.

"Well Ah'didn't. Ah should have" Big Macintosh replied tearfully. Shining Armour was shocked. So that's why he wasn't at his post. He had been dumped by a special somepony. It made sense to Shining Armour, because if Cadence ever left him, he would be heartbroken. Just like the stallion in front of him. Shining Armour looked at Big Mac with pity, understanding his problem.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked kindly.

This display of kindness surprised Big Mac. He had only been a guard in the Crystal Empire for a few weeks, but he had heard that Shining Armour wasn't much for talking to his soldiers at all. Big Mac shook his head.

"That’s mighty kind o' yah, but Ah can't talk about this with anypony."

For some reason, Mac's accent made Shining Armour feel... weird. While Shining Armour wanted to respect his privacy, he knew that Big Mac wouldn't be doing his job properly if he was depressed. Using magic to pull the door closed and lock it, Shining Armour trotted over to Big Mac and sat down next to him, their coats brushing against each other.

"Can I call you Big Mac, or was that just something dumb you said while you were high?" he asked. Shining Armour really liked the sound of Big Mac, although he couldn't quite figure out why. Big Mac looked at him with those piercing, deep green eyes that made Shining's heart flutter. Must be the Poison Joke, he told himself.

"Call me whatever. Ah don't care no more." Shining's ears pricked up at that. If that was really the way he was thinking, then he needed help. Now.

"I'm afraid I can't let you be a guard if you're feeling like that. it would compromise the professionalism of the Crystal Guard. I want you to talk about this."

Big Mac looked as if he was about to say something, but stopped. He looked at his hooves for a few minutes.

"Ah hardly know yah. Besides, this here's personal" he said. Shining Armour could hear the pain in his voice, and it made him sad just listening. He could understand what the red stallion must be feeling. Not many ponies knew, but Shining Armour really cared about his subjects. Big Mac shifted, before continuing.

"This could get me kicked outta the guards."

This made Shining Armour even more worried. What kind of relationship did this colt lose to get him possibly released

from service?

"Now you have to tell me" Shining said, smiling forcefully, while underneath he had so many questions. Big Mac sighed.

"Ah guess Ah'm not gettin' outta here till Ah tell yah" he said, not sounding too unhappy about it.

"Nope"

Big Mac took a deep breath. Here he was, about to reveal the biggest secret of his life to a stranger.

"Mah coltfriend left me."

There, he said it. He finally said it. No going back now. Shining Armour's eyes widened in surprise, but he said nothing. Big Mac sniffled sadly.

"Ah'm guessin you want me out the Guard right?" Shining Armour was quick to reply.

"No, not at all. Your sexuality doesn't affect how you do your job" he replied kindly.

"Yah sure it doesn't bother yah?" he asked, not believing that what he felt was acceptable. Shining Armour looked at him sideways.

"Of course not. That’s your life choice, and there’s nothing wrong with that."

Big Mac was confused. Why was Shining Armour so open about this?

The truth was, Shining Armour had often questioned whether he was into stallions or mares. He couldn't deny that he loved Princess Cadence, but he had never done anything with a stallion before. He knew that he enjoyed the attentions of mares, but he couldn't resist wondering what it was like to be with a stallion.

They sat in a comfortable silence. Shining Armour could tell that Big Mac was more content, although he still obviously felt sad.

Shining Armour then said the most daring thing he had ever said.

"Well Big Mac, I have to be going to check the rest of the castle now. But why don't you come up to my room tonight and we can... talk a bit more?" he asked, his voice trembling as he said it. He gave Big Mac a sultry look. This was his chance to put his questions about his sexuality to rest.

Big Mac was stunned. Was Shining Armour serious? Was he actually suggesting he wanted to have sex with him? No, he said he wanted to talk. But the way Shining Armour's voice had changed in pitch at the end of his question and the look he was giving Macintosh made it quite obvious that talking wasn't on his mind. Not that Big Mac had a problem with that. He knew that a proper bout of lovemaking would make him feel better, and now that he thought about it, Shining  Armour was pretty hot. Before he could answer, Shining Armour got up.

"I really have to go. I'll see you tonight though" he said, winking at Big Mac. Where the hell was all this confidence coming from?

Big Mac attempted to get up, but found that he was still drowsy from the Poison Joke. Shining Armour looked down at him.

"It's okay Mac. Just go home for now. We don't need you right this very minute."

Leaving the room, Shining Armour continued to think about what he had just done, and what he was going to do. What Cadence doesn't know won't hurt her right?

Sitting alone, Big Mac considered the possibility of what was going to happen. He really needed cheering up and he knew that, but he had just been dumped last night, via scroll. Was it too early? He resolved to think about how he felt before going over to see Shining Armour.

A few hours later...

Laying on his huge bed, Shining Armour was growing restless. This was a bad idea. He was  waiting for Big Macintosh, but he couldn't help thinking that he shouldn't do what he was about to do. He was just about the go over to the barracks and tell Big Mac not to bother when he heard the gentle tapping of hooves on his door. Getting up, he trotted over and opened the door to a red, already blushing stallion.

"Hey there" Shining Armour said quietly.

"Hi"

"Want to come in?"

Well here it is thought Big Mac. My last chance to stop this happening.

"Sure" he said with a sudden grin on his adorable red face.