Evil Aspirations

by airbournesquid

Rating: teen
Tags: Daring Do, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, Other
Length: 9301

Ahuizotl realises he's getting nowhere fast in the Evil Villain business, so he decides to kick things up a notch and call in some backup.

Being evil isn't easy.

Nobody knows this better than Ahuizotl. He's hatched a thousand evil plans and suffered a thousand crushing failures, each one more grave and embarrassing than the last. After yet another shameful defeat at the hooves of Daring Doo, Ahuizotl decides that it's time to shake things up a little.
Sure, the forces of good can overcome one villain at a time, but what about all of them at once?

Follow Ahuizotl and friends as they try strive to uphold dastardliness and evil in a world where love and compassion run rampant. These are the tales of BEFF, otherwise known as the 'Best Evil Friends Forever.'

Rated teen for light swearing and possible sexual themes somewhere in the future. We're talking roughly PEGI 13 here.

Published 2014-02-09 23:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-26 21:11:36 UTC

Chapter 1

Sometimes Ahuizotl questioned whether or not he was in the right business.

He'd hatched dozens of evil plans, scores of treacherous plots and spent the majority of his weekends scheming. And you know what? Not one of them had succeeded. It was like fate had it out for him. Seriously, since when does a group of six untrained mares and one explorer manage to kick the flanks of not only hired thugs, but an entire tribe of murderous savages, a deranged archaeologist and a troop of flesh-eating jungle cats? Lady Luck had made a habit of pissing on his bonfire, and you know what?

He'd had enough.

That was it. He was done. Finished. Terminado. A line had been crossed when he'd stuck Daring Doo to a wall, filled the room with a steadily rising amount of water (complete with piranhas, of course) only to find out that she'd escaped unscathed not even a minute later. In fact, that wasn't even the worst of it. He'd once strapped her to a table in the middle of a chamber slowly being filled with sand whilst the spike adorned walls slowly crept inwards to crush her. Heck, he'd even threw in a couple of snakes just to be sure.

Bloody snakes!

Who the hell escapes from that? With a broken wing, no less! Did Daring Doo have any idea how much it cost to kill a pony like that? The least she could do was show a little respect, but no, she just had to write an entire feakin' series of novels depicting his failures. Because y'know, selling all of those priceless, thousand-year old artefacts she collected to museums didn't bag her nearly enough bits to get by on alone.
Ahuizotl sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily. He was just so tired. Tired of working non-stop throughout the week, only to have his hard work demolished and desecrated by the same lousy Pegasus. Tired of spending hours on end perfecting his evil laugh but having so few chances to use it. Tired of raising tigers and leopards from birth, bonding with them and even going as far as to call some of them his friends, just so he could see their jaws broken and their bones cracked by the fearsome buck of Daring Doo...

He sunk deeper into his flower-patterned recliner, drinking in the sight of his ancient home, dusty from disuse. It was the standard Evil-Jungle-King affair. Stone, moss-covered walls, foreboding carvings and statues, and architecture akin to the abandoned temples that he was so used to pillaging. The building's age made all of Ahuizotl's little additions seem all the more out of place; A fridge filled with an assortment of meats and vegetables, a couch which could only be described as 'worn' sitting in front of a yellowing projector screen, an assortment of DIY shelves stacked with an assortment of crime novellas and adventure stories, including the entire Daring Doo series (As much as he loathed her, he had to admit that Daring Doo told a pretty good story), and a pair of cat litter trays tucked away into the corner.

As you may have come to expect, Ahuizotl was a cat person. When you lived in a place as old and derelict as he did, pets were more-or-less a requirement lest you wished to succumb to the crushing, soul-destroying loneliness.

"Meow."

Ahuizotl startled slightly as the small bundle of white fur beside him made itself known. He glared at the cat, its big, watery blue eyes staring back at him expectantly.
"Winston!" he growled, scooping up the little ball fuzz and dangling him in front of his face. "What did I tell you about sneaking up on me like that?"

Winston, a miniscule white kitten who pretty much defined the word 'daaaw', tilted his head to the side, prying at Ahuizotl with his questioning stare. "Meow?"

With a sigh, Ahuizotl set the kitten down neatly upon the arm of his recliner. "I know, I know, sorry. It's just that today's been a mite more... Stressful than usual."

Winston kneaded his claws through the arm of the recliner, shuffling himself into a more comfortable position. "Meow meow? Meow."

"No, not anything like that, I just..." another sigh. "Winston, do you think I'm evil enough?"

A glimmer of doubt glimmered across Winston's eyes. It only lasted a second, but Ahuizotl caught it nonetheless. Winston made an awkward coughing noise, as if clearing his throat. "M-meoooow, meow meow!"

Ahuizotl deflated further into his recliner, suddenly desperate to escape the world and everyone on it. "I can tell when you're lying, y'know," he said dejectedly. "Now come, tell me truly, am. I. Evil. Enough?"

Winston cast his head to the side. "Meow." he said sadly, damning Ahuizotl's ambitions with one, simple word.

"I knew it." he spat in reply, sealing his eyes shut with the intention of never opening them again. Normally, in a situation such as this, Ahuizotl would find somewhere nice and secluded where he could weep himself into oblivion, but what was the point now? The only one who could see his tears already thought- no- knew he was a complete and utter failure anyways.

The tears ran freely down his face. What would his parents say if they could see him now? His mother had been one of the most infamous villains in the world, and his father- well, his father had been a watchmaker- but still! Things were to be expected of him. He was supposed to be the incarnation of evil, the dark figure who stalked the nightmares of children, an evil overlord! Instead he turned out to be nothing more than a pushover with a funny accent...

And now he was crying. How pathetic.

Winston slunk from the arm of the recliner and made his way towards the fridge. A second later he returned, one bottle of beer held between the crook of his leg, and a second in his mouth. Ahuizotl lightly smiled at the little cat, graciously accepting one of the bottles. When all of his plans failed, he always had a backup one up his sleeve, in this case: screw it all and get drunk.

"Meow meow *hic* meoooow."

"T-that's not true!" slurred Ahuizotl. "She's... She's more of a business associate."

Winston responded with an over-exemplified kissy face, eliciting a small, frustrated groan from Ahuizotl. "It's not like that at all!" he barked. "Daring Doo and I... Well, she's my arch nemesis, the mongoose to my snake, where would you even get an idea like that?"

"Meow meow meow meow..." meowed Winston knowingly.

"How did you- I keep those Daring Doo books for analytical purposes, analytical!"

Winston made the cat equivalent of a sigh, stretching himself out across the floor. Ahuizotl was laid out on the sofa, the projector next to it playing Cassaflanka, Ahuizotl's favourite movie. Watching it together had become something of a ritual between The Villain and his cat. In fact, Ahuizotl was pretty sure that he could recite the entire thing by heart. Winston could too, of course, but it wasn't nearly as impressive coming from him as it always came out as an incomprehensible cluster of 'meow's.

"Meow meow?"

"What's next? What do you mean what's next?I come up with a new dastardly plan, Daring Doo stops me, and I go sit in a corner and cry *hic*, rinse, lather and repeat, Winston."

To Ahuizotl's surprise, Winston leapt onto his chest, reached out and slapped him across the face. "Meow meow meow meow *hic* meow!"

"Well what else do you expect me to do?" growled Ahuizotl, rubbing his stinging cheek. "It's pretty much the standard villain procedure!"

"Meow meow..." said Winston, scratching his chin in thought. "Meow, meow meow?"

Ahuizotl frowned. "I don't need any h-*hic* help... Besides, villains don't 'team up'." Winston knew that that wasn't the case at all, Ahuizotl was just afraid of socialising. Not to push the point, but he did own over a dozen cats. It didn't take a genius to tell that he didn't get out much.

"Meow meoooow," cooed Winston, tilting his head to the side and hit Ahuizotl with the cutest stare that he could muster.

"Oh come on, don't be like tha-"

"Meoooow!" Winston's eyes seemed to grow larger, and for a moment Ahuizotl feared that he might actually drown in those two pools of adorable-ness.

"S-stop doing that, you know I hate it when you-"

"Meeeoooooooooooo-"

"FINE!" snapped Ahuizotl, upstarting with a huff and stumbling drunkenly over to the phone. "If you really think that this will work, which it won't, then fine, I'll do it, if only to stop you from pestering me!"

Chrysalis was having a bad day.

The sunlight came through the stained glass windows of the palace in bars of red and green, illuminating the ornate yellow stonework of the throne room. engravings littered the walls, some of great battles from generations past, and others of changelings circled around a fire, frozen mid-dance. The walls and pillars were dotted with rubies which glittered in the afternoon light, and two great statues of the gods rose above her head, the tips of their drawn swords almost scraping the ceiling. Their stone blades met above her throne, which had been moulded out of lustrous gold and studded with emeralds.
The beauty of the changeling palace had inspired a great many songs from her loyal bards and was talked about with great wonder all through the land. She would have taken the time to appreciate such fine surroundings- as she did every other day-

If she wasn't so. Damned. Bored.

Lord Tylek paced ack and forth in front of her, the cluster of golden earrings that adorned his left ear jingling with each step. A ring of silver hung around his right nostril, and carvings telling of his family's exploits snaked across his chitin. She had no doubt that the carvings across his black hide could be accredited to a professional, judging by their expertise. The engraving around the base of his horn told of his marriage to Lady Illowyn. Chrysalis pitied the poor girl.

'How can somechangeling look so interesting but be so bloody boring?'

"And that is why, my Queen, erecting another statue in your honour would prove... less than beneficial." Tylek finished.

'And he wants me to stop making statue of myself. I like statues of myself.'

"Lord Tylek-"she punctuated her sentence with a yawn. "-What do you think gives you the right to tell me what to do with my riches?"

Tylek sputtered. "B-but it's not yours, those riches belong to the realm! Surely you realise how dire a state our economy is-"

"I realise, Lord Tylek, and I care," she lied. "But alas, there are more dire needs that require funding!"

"Like another statue of you?" Tylek deadpanned.

"Exactly! Now, I want you to-"

*Ring ring*

The Tylek, Chrysalis and her guards all jumped at the sudden ringing of a phone. All eyes turned to the strangely out-of-place, cherry red telephone that Chrysalis kept next to her throne. "Ah, hold that thought," said Chrysalis, plucking up the phone and placing an ear to the receiver.
"Azzie? Azzie, darling!"

The guards and court members who filled the throne room went slack jawed, staring at their normally brutal Queen in disbelief.

"Oh it's been too long! How are things, that nasty little Pegasus hasn't been mistreating you again, has she?" she giggled into her hoof. "Come now, I was only joking... What's this, a get-together you say? Ooohohohohoh how delightful, I'll bring snacks! Just give me the time and place and I'll be there."

She muttered a quick goodbye (sealed with a loving 'mwah') before slamming the phone down. Her expression turned from motherly to stone-cold in an instant. "This hearing is over," she stated plainly. "Lord Tylek, we shall continue this discussion at a later date."

"B-but the funds-" he stammered.

"-Can wait." finished Chysalis before turning to her head servant. "I want an envoy of our finest knights ready within the hour, we head for Equestria at noon." she said with the upmost seriousness. "Oh, and bring snack-foods."

"... Snack-foods, my Queen?"

"Yes, preferably pizza rolls, or those little triangle chip things with the salsa sauce. I like those."

"Uhh, at once your highness!" said the servant before rushing off to the palace kitchens.

Discord picked idly at his teeth, trying and failing to remove a particularly stubborn scrap of lettuce. Across the table Blueblood was whining about... Something or the other, whilst Celestia and Luna sat next to him, barely containing their giggles.

He wondered how long it would take the Prince to notice that he'd turned his mane purple...

In all honesty, he was bored. Really bored. Nothing interesting ever seemed to happen in Canterlot Castle, and why should it? It was a castle, and castles practically reeked of boringly boring boringness. The architecture was blocky and boring, the colours varied from boring old white to boring old gold, and residents- he spared a slightly annoyed glance at blueblood- simply radiated boredom.
Did he mention that he was bored?

With a subtle lift of a claw, Blueblood's horn shimmered and changed into an antler, whilst the tip of his nose began to glow slightly. Celestia made a piggish snort before clapping a hoof to her mouth to stop herself from busting out in laughter. The Prince spared her a curious glance before returning to his rant. Discord despised being a guest at these 'family dinners', but alas, Celestia had more or less demanded his presence, and whatever Celestia says, goes (she'd made that very clear when she'd released him). Personally, Discord liked to think that she had him tag along to brighten the mood a little. Goodness knows things needed some livening up around here, after all.

He plucked a banana from the fruit bowl and eyed it wearily. If he could've, he would given it arms, legs, a mind of its own and the name Steve, but sadly, Celestia put some major restrictions on his chaos magic whenever he was within Canterlot Palace.
'With a few exceptions, of course.' he thought to himself as he looked up at the red-nosed, antler-toting, purple-maned prince still prattling on obliviously.

Suddenly, the banana began to ring.

Ack, didn't he turn the blasted thing off? He loathed getting calls over dinner.

"Discord... Why is thine banana is ringing?" asked Luna curiously.

"Bah, probably one of those over-the-banana salesmen trying to hawk me some car insurance, I try to tell them I'm not interested, but they never listen!"

"What's 'car insur-'"

Discord cut Luna off with a 'ssh' before raising the banana to his ear. "Whatever you're selling I'm not interested."

...

"Ah, apologies my dear feline friend, I mistook for somepony else!"

...

"What do you mean 'who else calls me'? I'll have you know that I'm the epitome of popularity!"

...

"Really? Ooohohohohoh I'd be delighted!" sand Discord giddily. Celestia and Luna exchanged worried glances. If something 'delighted' Discord, then chances were it wasn't good.
"Righty-oh, I'll be there!" he said excitedly before stripping back the banana's peel and taking a bite out of it. He tossed the remains onto the floor, where they burst into purple flames.

"Discord," said Luna. "What on earth was-"

"Sorry, can't talk now, I have an oversized blue dog-cat-monkey villain to meet, ta-ta!" he snapped his fingers and disappeared with a pop, leaving the two alicorn princesses and their nephew staring dumbfounded at his now empty seat.

"Auntie," said Blueblood finally. "Why do I have an antler?"

*Ring ring*

"SNRRK CHRYSSSSTAAAAAAALS!"

Chapter 2

*Tap tap tap*

"mrrphmurr..."

Ahuizotl groaned as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Winston stirred on Ahuizotl's chest- a makeshift bed for the feline. With a gentle hand he peeled the sleeping cat off of him and placed him upon the head of the sofa. His head throbbed with pain, and his mouth, felt as if it were full of sand. There were a multitude of reasons why he tended to stay away from alcohol, and this was one of them. He felt like crap, no doubt looked terrible and reeked of cat piss. Wait a second...

"WINSTON," he shrieked, grabbing the small cat by the neck and holding him up to his face. If he wasn't awake before, he sure as hell was now. "What did I tell you about not using the litter box!"

"M-meow meow!" said Winston defensively, holding his paws up in surrender. "Meow meow meow meow meow!"

Ahuizotl narrowed his eyes. "You used that excuse last time..."

As Winston began to choke out an apology, a queer tapping emanated from the door. Both Ahuizotl and Winston turned their heads to it. One of the downsides (Or upsides, in Ahuizotl's opinion) of living in a jungle populated with creatures ravenous for pony flesh, was that one rarely got visitors.

"Hello?" called Ahuizotl uncertainly.

*Tap tap tap*

"Meow meow." said Winston, picking himself up off of the floor.

"You answer it!" snapped Ahuizotl, staring at his stone door with a feeling somewhere between fear and curiosity. Visitors? Now? He hadn't even had the chance to clear things up! Shed cat fur littered the floor, and motes of dust clung to the furniture. A musty, unpleasant smell lingered through the air, and the empty bottles of beer leftover from last night still dotted his home. Heck, he hadn't even emptied the litter boxes yet!
Moreover, who'd be crazy enough to wade through miles of predator-infested jungle just to meet him? He never invited business associates over and as for friends, well, to be brutally honest, he didn't have any. The closest things he ever had to visitors were the jungle cats who chose to lounge around outside every now and then, and the last time he checked, tigers and leopards weren't all that familiar with the courtesy of knocking.

So who in Celestia's name was knocking at his door?

*Tap tap tap*

Ahuizotl's curiosity finally got the better of him, and he slowly opened the door. A figure wreathed in an ethereal black mist stood before him, its eyes two burning embers of spite and hate studded upon a face so malevolent that it could bring foals to tears. Its teeth were like a cluster of jagged shards of glass, strewn into a cruel mockery of a smile. Atop of the figure's head was a horn, blood red and as sharp as a blade.

"SNRRRK CRYSTALSSS!"

"Sombra?" said Ahuizotl, recognising the foreboding stallion immediately. Memories of the night before came flooding back to him. He could remember swaying uneasily towards his telephone, flipping through his phonebook and drunkenly dialling in numbers, letting the slurred words tumble out of his mouth and into the receiver...

Sombra's smile faded from his face as he smelt the retch-worthy stench of stale cat piss emanating from Ahuizotl. Scrunching his nose in disgust, he ploughed his way past Ahuizotl into his living room and paled in horror.

Many considered Somra a bit of a mystery. He let very few details about his personal life slip and rarely allowed visitors into his new home (a smack shack hidden somewhere in the rural parts of the Crystal Empire). The truth was that Sombra was a strange pony. A very strange pony. In fact, Ahuizotl doubted that he'd ever met a weirder stallion in his life. He was a hermit even by his standards and had little to his vocabulary other than the word 'crystals'. But there was one smaller, more subtle trait to his character that most ponies tended to overlook.

King Sombra was a clean freak.

The unicorn's horn burst into ichor-black fire, tendrils of blackness sweeping across Ahuizotl's home, latching onto the pieces of trash he'd lazily discarded upon the floor and burning them into oblivion.

"Sombra wait," said Ahuizotl. "There's been a mistake, I-" he silenced himself as the stallion who was currently massacring any speck of dirt he could find levelled his horn at him. He held up his hands defensively. "W-wait!"

His horn crackled as a single, black bolt of lightning arched out towards Ahuizotl's chest. There was a flash of light, an explosion of pain, and before Ahuizotl knew what was happening, he was led on his back, his coat thick with the scent of lavender.

Sombra wiped the sweat from his brow and examined his work. The cleaning spell had decimated every trace of dirt in Ahuizotl's home and rearranged his furniture entirely. His sofa and recliner had been neatly tucked up against a wall, as had his fridge, the litter boxes in the corner had magically emptied themselves and his collection of books had rearranged themselves into alphabetical order. Winston still sat in the middle of the room, marvelling at how his fur now smelt of lemon.

"*Sigh* CRYSTAAAAAALSSSSSS." said Sombra in satisfaction before taking a seat at Ahuizotl's sofa.

Ahuizotl cleared his throat as he got back to his feet. Part of him wanted to scream at Sombra, but the more logical side of his brain surmised that yelling in the face of a guy who'd once enslaved an entire empire probably wasn't the best of ideas. Instead he decided to leave the semi-immortal demigod alone for now and concentrate on the one true source of all his misery: Winston.

"I hope you know that this is all your fault!" said Ahuizotl in a hushed tone, dragging Winston towards him.

"Meow meow meow!"

"So what if I was the one who made the calls, you were the one who'd convinced me in the first place you overgrown dust bunny! Do you have any idea what's going to happen when I tell him-" he jabbed a thumb towards Sombra- "That this was all a mistake?"

"Meow meow?"

"That's not fair, I was drunk! Besides, I didn't promise you anything."

*Tap tap tap tap tap*

"Oh for the love of- who is it this time?"

Ahuizotl rushed to the door, opening it to reveal-

"AZZIE!"

The Changeling Queen leapt through the door and bowled into Ahuizotl's chest, enveloping him in a painfully tight hug. "Azzie, dear, it's been so long! How's my favourite villain doing?" She placed a motherly kiss on both of his cheeks. "You look thin, have you been eating?"
She turned to the changeling behind her. "You, snack foods, now." she snapped. The changeling presented a thatch basket, the alluring aroma of its contents wafting through the room.

"I brought pizza rolls!" stated Chrysalis proudly.

"PIZZA ROLLSSSSSSSSSS..." hissed Sombra, slavering at the mouth.

"Sombra, dearest!" exclaimed Chrysalis, rushing over to the stallion. "How's life been treating you?"

Already Chrysalis' changelings were filing into the room, some carrying trays of tortillas and other snacks. There were twelve in total. All of a sudden, Ahuizotl's house began to feel awfully cramped.

*Pop*

"Hola, kon'nichiwa, privet to all!" exclaimed the Draconequus as he popped into existence.

"D-Discord!" exclaimed Ahuizotl, Staring at the floating hybrid in horror. First Sombra, then Chrysalis, and now Discord? This was bad. Who else did he call last night?

"Ahuizotl, what's it been? A year? Ten months? Five minutes? Bah, who cares, c'mere and give Uncle Dissy a hug!" he said ecstatically as he pulled Ahuizotl to his chest. "And what's this? Chrysalis? Sombra? *Gasp* we're having a party!" his mismatched eyes hunted down the trays of snack-foods, and his face moulded into a ravenous grin. "I spy tortilla chips!" He said as he rocketed towards the snacks.

*Tap tap tap*

"Oh God..."

Reluctantly, Ahuizotl rushed over to and opened the door again. Three diamond dogs stood in the doorway, nervously rubbing their paws together.
The smallest one awkwardly cleared his throat. "Monkey-Blue-Dog called, yes?"

This was chaos.

His house was alive with the obnoxious yapping of diamond dogs, changelings, a draconequus, and a flying smoke-pony to boot. Something smashed in the kitchen, but Ahuizotl ignored it, his house had been desecrated so much already that he scarcely cared any more. Diamond dogs were raiding his pantry, a pair of timber wolves were harassing Winston (The diamond dogs liked to keep them as pets, apparently) and the floor was littered with leftovers. Needless to say, Sombra looked close to having a fit.

He scooped Winston off of the floor whilst shooing away the timber wolves with his tail (they resolved to gnaw on his furniture instead. Joy). The platters of snacks that Chrysalis had been kind enough to bring were long since emptied, and many of his visitors had begun to mimic the diamond dogs in the merciless pillage of his pantry.

"Meow!" whined Winston.

"You do something" snapped Ahuizotl in reply. "This was your ide-" he ducked, narrowly avoiding a recklessly thrown pineapple.

"Enough!" The hard, ruthless anger in Chrysalis' voice silenced the commotion instantly. The imposing changeling Queen hovered in the air, glaring down upon the gaggle of changelings, diamond dogs, and various other creatures with a look that could make a cockatrice curl up into a ball and cry.
"Does your insolence know no boundaries? We are all guests here, yet you treat this abode as if it were a waste bin! Well, I shall not have it, not from my minions and not from any of you." She landed on a nearby coffee table and pointed directly at Ahuizotl. "This fine man... Monkey... Horse... Thing has offered you the contents of his fridge and the warmth of his hearth! Should you not give him the proper respect that he deserves, then I shall make you," her eyes glowed a savage green, and her horn crackled threateningly with energy. "Understood?"

Ahuizotl had to admit, Chrysalis could be downright scary when she wanted to.

Slowly, one of the diamond dogs raised a paw. Chrysalis locked her glowing eyes on him immediately. "What?"

"Money-Blue-Dog has hearth?"

"For the sake of the gods it's a figure of speech you mongrel!"

Chrysalis was just about to blast the diamond dog's face off when Ahuizotl grabbed hold of her leg. There'd be no magical fireworks in his house! The last time he'd experimented with that, he'd lost half of his fur, his kitchen and most of the surrounding jungle. The repairs had been... Expensive.

"Aha, Ahuizotl," said Chrysalis, beaming down at him and engulfing him in the green aura of her magic. "You wish to address the rabble, I see. Well, I shan't keep you waiting." and with that she levitated him into the air, plopped him onto the table and left him with three dozen pairs of expectant eyes staring at him.

Ahuizotl nearly fainted on the spot.

"I, uh, *ahem* I-I would like to thank all of you for coming today, diamond dogs, changelings, dark entities..."

"And ponies!" exclaimed a blue pony from within the crowd, dressed in a blue, star-spangled cloak and hat.

"You too, I guess... I uh, I-"
They were looking at him. They were all looking at him. He couldn't do this, he just couldn't. There were too many eyes, all staring at him expectantly. What did they want from him, a speech worthy of Celestia? He wasn't a good public speaker. Heck, he struggled when he spoke to his jungle-cats in private! Besides, how was he going to follow up on that awesome, angry rant that Chrysalis just delivered? No. He had to get down from here, away from all the eyes...

Just as he was about to step down from the table his eyes caught on Winston. He was a white speck in the mass of his visitors; it was a wonder that he even spotted him in the first place.
The cat smiled, and winked at him with his feline eyes.

Winston thought he could do this.

No, Winston knew that he could do this.

There was a swelling confidence in his chest. Winston was right. He'd developed death traps so ingenious that the world's greatest explorer had never saw them coming, yet she thwarted them every time out of either sheer luck or chance. He'd made deals with bandits and tribesponies and led them into battle, but they had always failed him. He'd turned himself into a villain so terrifying that Mom would have shed a tear of pride, but that damned Daring Doo had convinced half of the population that he was just some antagonist in a book.
Life had been stabbing him in the back forever, and now that it finally offered him a chance at true greatness, he was going to run and hide because he was afraid of an itty, bitty crowd?

"Evildoers!" he exclaimed, his voice booming with confidence. "For too long have we lingered beneath the oppressive hoof of good, overwhelmed and belittled! For too long have our plans been thwarted, our loyal minions hurt and our prides shredded by these so called 'heroes'!" He pointed a finger towards Chrysalis. "Queen Chrysalis, defeated through no fault of your own, your soldiers scattered throughout Equestria by the 'power of love'."
His finger moved to Sombra. "King Sombra, struck down by a dragon youngling armed with the same weapon that you hid so carefully.
"The noble diamond dogs, your very way of life threatened by the expansion of Equestria, yet your pleas go unheeded simply because 'you're evil'.
"Discord, imprisoned for a thousand years for the crime of wishing to have fun, and imprisoned yet again for claiming your well-earned revenge."

"Don't forget Trixie!"

"Yeah, sure, you too." Ahuizotl threw his arms wide. "villains, wrongdoers, nightmares of unspeakable evil, we have been wronged! Why is it that good always achieves its goals so easily, but we must struggle for the slightest success? Why are our kind forced to hide among the shadows whilst the 'good and proper' flourish in the light?
"Why does good always triumph over evil?"

He thought of Daring Doo's smug, smiling face and roared "Well I say enough! No more shall we suffer the oppression of friendship, for we shall turn it upon those who use it destroy us! Individually we may fall, but together, bonded in friendship, the very weapon our enemies cling to so desperately, we shall become unstoppable!"

The room exploded in cheering and applause loud enough to shake the stars themselves. His loyal jungle cats roared in approval, the changelings were stomping their hooves upon the ground, and the diamond dogs had begun to chant.

"Monkey-Blue! Monkey-Blue! Monkey-Blue!"

It was a horrendous nickname, but Ahuizotl was simply too overjoyed to stop them. Discord quickly joined in with the dogs, smiling devilishly all the while. Chrysalis hopped onto the coffee table with him and threw a foreleg around his neck, chanting his name proudly along with all of the others. Sombra sat and watched from the edge of the crowd, his malevolent face lit up in a smile.

Winston, he realised, had been right in his suggestion. A pact between this many villains was bound to be unstoppable.

A pact like this, could finally mean success.

Daring Doo was, in a word, bored.

Something should have happened by now. Something always happened by now. She zipped to her window, staring accusingly out at the surrounding forest.
Seriously, where was he?

It'd been two days since her last heroic victory over Ahuizotl, so why hadn't anything happened? No bombs, no hungry jungle cats bursting through the windows, no deadly assassins (he usually sent Steve over on Tuesdays), and strangely enough, there wasn't a single snake-pit to be seen. There was almost always a snake-pit somewhere. always.

She slumped back into her armchair with a huff. "Gee, I sure hope nothing attacks or kidnaps me while in sitting here, bored, tired and completely vulnerable!" she called out hopefully.

Nada.

"Uuuugh, come on! I'm right here, isn't somepony gonna do something?"

As if on cue, there was a curt knocking at her door. Aha, yes! She knew that Ahuizotl had something up his sleeve. That was probably Steve right now, waiting for her to open the door so he could put a penknife in her gut. She slammed through the door, wings flared and body poised in her well-practised kung-fu stance-

"Package for Miss Doo."

Aaaand it was the deliverypony.

"Oh," she said, embarrassed. "Eheheheh, thanks."

The deliverypony remained impassive. "Sign here." he said, handing over a clipboard. He left as soon as she passed it back, leaving a paper-wrapped package at her hooves. Daring was immediately suspicious. Of course! It all made so much sense now. Ahuizotl was merely luring her into a sense of false security, waiting for the right moment to strike. Obviously this "delivery" was some sort of mischievous trap.

She analysed the package. A bomb? Nope, no ticking. Snakes, perhaps? Ahuizotl had a way with smuggling snakes into the strangest of places, she recalled as she cautiously peeled open the delivery. Like, this one time, when she went to the bathroom-

Her frantic thoughts flickered out when she realised that the package was nothing but a book. Ah.

She looked at the cover. Right, that. She'd forgotten that she'd even ordered the damned thing. With an embarrassed groan she plucked the book up in her mouth and went back inside. Maybe she was just being paranoid. She'd spend the entirety of her adventuring career dodging this and that and fighting all kinds of weird creatures that came her way that the very idea of a quiet moment had long since become foreign to her. Maybe that was all that this was: a quiet moment. Daring quickly warmed up to the idea. It'd been too long since she'd last had a break, after all. A holiday was obviously in order here. Yes, she'd relax, sit back and...

...

What the hell was she supposed to do?

Her main hobby was adventuring (obviously), but she'd already scouted out virtually every place in the jungle! Where was the excitement in a journey if you'd already made it? She briefly considered exploring places a little further from home, but stopped herself when she remembered that Maurice, her pet hamster, would need feeding.
She spared a glance at the hamster cage next to her bed. Maurice was happily treading on his exercise wheel. Stupid, cute little hamster. Well, perhaps she could get a friend to take care of him whilst she was gone.

She looked back to the book cover.

'Cooking for One'

Right. She didn't have any friends. The secluded life of an author/adventurer/hero had its downsides, it would seem.

Well, if cooking was all she had to do, then cooking it was. Besides, something was bound to happen sooner or later, and Knowing Ahuizotl, it was probably going to be sooner.

'Any moment now, some thug or tiger or bomb is gonna come right through my window. Any second now... '

One Month Later...

Construction was coming along nicely.

The temple, although bearing a very evil air to it, had simply been too small for their operations. One could not hope to fit this much evil into one tiny building, after all.
Everybody had offered a helping hand with building. The changelings had went to work on cutting down trees and constructing them into a sturdy frame, whilst the diamond dogs provided all the digging that needed to be done, not to mention the rock and stone for the walls. The diamond dogs were actually rather adept builders- at least when it came to stone structures. Sombra had sprouted several black crystals from the earth as both a form of support and decoration. To give him his due credit, the effect was wonderfully terrifying.

As for Ahuizotl and Chrysalis, they fancied themselves as project leaders. Apparently Chrysalis had a surprising amount of knowledge when it came to the subject of construction, and Ahuizotl was into model building, which according to Chrysalis meant that he had the general gist of it. Ahuizotl had yet to see any truth to that statement, but he wasn't complaining. He needed something to do after all, and building a proper evil lair instead of just hanging out in a deserted temple had always been on his to-do-list, right behind snowboarding.

Ahuizotl stood in what would be their evil plotting section, arms crossed and smiling in satisfaction. The room was wonderful-complete with a round table and a high, sinister-looking window to the front. It was almost complete, except for...

Ahuizotl delicately placed the small, thin glass display case on the wall and smiled. his father's rare coin collection shining back at him in the morning light. He caressed the side of the case gently with a finger.

Now, the room was complete.

Now he could call this place home.

Author's Note

Kept you waiting, huh?

Chapter 3

'Plotting' was Ahuizotl's middle name.

Well, actually it was more along the lines of 'Leslie', but that was besides the point. The point was that he could make plans so meticulously detailed that they could put a neurological surgeon into a coma. And then some. back at his temple home he'd had an entire room dedicated to creating carefully constructed replicas concerning the layout of different areas and the placement of his traps, and this new clubhou- Super-Evil-Fortress-of-Absolute-Evilness would be no different. Built beside the plotting area was a room stacked full of sand tables, blackboards and, courtesy of Ahuizotl, a projector.

It was a little known secret that one of Ahuizotl's favoured hobbies was model-making, something he'd been introduced to by his father. He'd left the temple he'd lived at stuffed with models and ~~Warcanter~~ completely un-nerdy and totally awesome trap designs. He took the trap-prototypes and left the... other stuff. Now that he had a crew to work with, he doubted he'd really have time for other hobbies.

His thoughts were interrupted as Chrysalis came wandering through the door, examining the handiwork of her changelings gleefully with her servant trailing behind her. "Oh Azzie, isn't it just wonderful!" she exclaimed. "But I'm so awfully sorry that we didn't include room for those adorable little toys of yours!"

"Not toys, models." he replied haughtily.

"Whatever you say, dearie."

She patted him motherly on the back, eliciting a small blush from his cheeks. "So, we're having a little get-together downstairs. A little celebration, if you will. Come along and join us, would you?" she asked. "It simply wouldn't do for our 'prestigious new leader' to miss out on all the fun, would it?"

"In a minute, I just want to... Well, just give me a minute, okay?" he said with a smile.

"Sure thing," she replied with a warm grin of her own. "Just don't take too long. My servants have baked a lovely coffee-cake, and it'd be an awful shame for you to miss out."

She disappeared through the doorway, leaving him alone with his carefully constructed models. he wandered over to one of the displays- a spike pit, one of his first creations. Of course it hadn't fared too well in actual use, seeing as its intended target possessed a pair of wings, but still, it had a somewhat sentimental value to it.
His father had loved making things, especially clocks and watches. He could remember sitting in his dad's lap and watching transfixed as his hooves delicately assembled the pieces of a watch. Every piece was important, from the largest spring down to the tiniest, most insurmountable gear. Watching him work was like watching an artist weave together a picture of bright silvers and golds, each seemingly simple piece falling perfectly into place.

Ahuizotl reached forwards and placed a finger on the model, activating the pressure-pad. The trap filled with faint clicks before the spikes sprang upwards with an almost silent *shing*, nearly skewering his finger.
He smiled to himself.

Like clockwork.

Trixie was feeling somewhat out of place.

When she'd answered to the mysterious, drunken phone-call, she'd been expecting a turnout a little less grand than this. Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, Sombra, former King and tyrant of the Crystal Empire, Discord, Lord of Chaos and Disharmony- she felt like a mouse among titans.

Of course she wasn't. She was the Great and Powerful Trixie, after all. One as mighty as herself deserved no less than a seat among the demigods and rulers. She was the embodiment of mysticism itself! The very essence of magic!
But that didn't stop her from feeling a little nervous...

Just a little bit.

She took a bite out of her slice of coffee cake, doing so as daintily as possible. She couldn't go presenting herself as a slob in front of such evil prowess, after all. Off to her left, Queen Chrysalis and King Sombra were engaged in a rather one-sided conversation. Aha, an opportunity to make herself known to the big-wigs! All she had to do was go over there and talk to them.
Just go over there and strike up a nice chat with the two infamous dictators.
Just talk to the unfathomably powerful half-gods...

No pressure.

She trotted over to them nervously, her slice of cake and cup of punch in tow. Oh sweet Celestia, they were looking at her now! Alright, play it cool, Trix. You've enslaved a village full of hicks before, you can certainly do this. Maybe it wasn't too late to turn around? No, come on, confidence Trixie, confidence.

"H-hey!" she said, a painfully forced smile across her lips. Of course, as fate would have it, her hoof caught on her cape and she tumbled forwards, her cup of punch tumbling from her grasp and sloshing onto Chrysalis.
Embarrassment. Awkwardness. Failure. Memories of high school came flooding back to her. Sitting alone at the back of the class, narrowly dodging whatever crap the bullies decided to toss at her on the way home, and the names, of dear Princesses the names...
Spaz, retard, nerd, Level fifty spergmancer, her classmates had been nothing if not inventive. She wondered grimly if Chrysalis would match them, closed her eyes and prepared for the worst.

"Whoopsy-daisy, aren't you the clumsy one?" said Chrysalis, whisking away the spilt punch with her magic. "Ah well, no harm done! Queen Chrysalis, and you are?"

Trixie opened her eyes to find a holed hoof in front of her, patiently waiting to be shook. No names? She took the hoof and shook it uncertainly, half expecting it to pull free and slap her round the face. "Trixie Lulamoon... Sorry."

"Oh that's quite alright," assured Chrysalis with a smile. "Come, sit with us, let me introduce you to my friend here." she said, all but dragging Trixie towards Sombra.

"CRYSTALS?" asked Sombra, examining Trixie with a mild curiosity.

"She says her name is Trixie Lulamoon," replied Chrysalis, shoving Trixie in front of him before turning to one of her minions. "You, why haven't you gotten a chair for Miss Lulamoon?"

"Y-you never asked-" stumbled the changeling.

"I never asked? I expect you to have some modem of common sense in that pitiful wasteland of a brain of yours! Now stop standing there gawking like a mouthbreather and find something for Miss Lulamoon to sit on!"

"It's no problem, really-" began Trixie.

"Now!"

The changeling zipped off with its tail between its legs before returning only seconds later with a chair clasped firmly in its shaking hooves. Trixie thanked it before sitting down, smiling awkwardly at the two behemoths of evil. To say she felt dwarfed was an understatement.

"So, Miss Lulamoon, I'm afraid that I haven't heard of you," said Chrysalis, sitting down next to her and casually crossing her legs. "You wouldn't mind filling us in, would you?"

"Oh, w-well Trixie is a travelling magician you see, and I... I uh..." she looked into the eager eyes of Chrysalis and Sombra, and her showpony heart took over. "We mean to say, we are the Great and Powerful Trixie, responsible for the enslavement of Ponyville and the wholesale destruction of Equestrian property!" she gave small flap of her cloak, a bit awkward, considering that she was sitting down, but dramatic nonetheless.

"MMMHMMM, SNRRK, GRRRLG CRYSTALS!" growled Sombra in what sounded like congratulations.

"The enslavement of Ponyville and property damage? How impressive!" cheered Chrysalis, offering a small, congratulatory clap of her hooves. Trixie puffed out her chest proudly. Yes, enslaving the same town in which the elements lived was a rather haughty achievement, she supposed, and as for the property damage... Well, she guessed she was kind of responsible for Ponyville's missing water tower in a very indirect way.

"Trixie humbly thanks you both for your kind words." said Trixie airily, an unfamiliar heat building up in her cheeks. Was she blushing? It had been so long since she'd received any genuine praise that she'd simply forgotten how good it felt.

"Well, it's only sporting that we give encouragement to the aspiring lightweights."

"Thank y- wait..." Trixie ran over Chrysalis' words in her head. "What do you mean by 'lightweight?'"

"Oh, you know," said Chrysalis with a dismissive wave of her hoof. "The greenhorns, the part-time villains, the one-step-above-street-thugs, the ah... what do you call it?"

"CRYSTALS?" interjected Sombra.

"The runt! Yes, that's it."

She should've told them to stick their 'runts' and 'greenhorns' up their royal arses. Should've backhoof'd that changeling cow silly and told King Sombra to cram his crystals where the sun don't shine.
Instead, she found herself forcing out a smile. "Well... One can't have the big without the small. Every litter needs a... runt." she choked the word out as if it were poison.

Chrysalis seemed happy, filled with a merriment one would expect from a loving mother rather than an evil dictator. "Oh, I like this one," she said to Sombra. "She knows her place."

'Knows her place'. It was like she thought of her as some sort of bloody house pet! Belatedly she bit back any snarky comments or witty quips. Being seen as the runt of the littler was bad enough-

But by Celestia, she knew that being the outcast was worse, and there was no way in Tartarus that she was going to subject herself to the same bullying she'd received in high school by pissing off the popular kids.
'Just swallow your pride and smile and laugh along with the yuppies, Trixie. Just smile and laugh. That isn't too hard, is it?'

Trixie smiled and laughed along with Chrysalis and Sombra, dying a little on the inside.

"So, y'know, I guess I'm just feeling a little lonely is all. I mean, being out here, in the jungle... I guess I'm just getting a bit of the ol' cabin fever, huh?"

Maurice stared back at her through his cage expectantly. She slid another cracker through the bars, and he nibbled at it eagerly. As cute as Daring's hamster was, it was hardly a competent conversationalist.

She sighed and slid back over to her desk where her typewriter and half-empty glass scotch waited for her. She'd found the bottle at the back of one of her drawers. She was never really one for getting drunk, but with nothing else to do she thought she might as well. Outside the crickets chirped in the night, and Daring Doo was reminded once again of how quiet everything was. She hated the quiet. Quiet meant boring.

She shook her head clear of the irritating silence and bent readily over her typewriter, poised almost like a jungle cat, ready to pounce.
'C'mon Daring, it ain't too hard. Just write something, you've done it a hundred times before. Think up some pretty words and put 'em on the paper.'

Instead, she merely stared at the blank piece of paper, her face caught somewhere between intense concentration and that dumbfounded look ponies get when they're halfway through taking a dump. The words refused to come, as they had for weeks now. With another frustrated sigh, she snatched up the glass of scotch and downed the rest of the glass, face curdling at the taste.

This wasn't her. She'd sat here, in this exact same chair, and fired out novels in under a month. She'd written award winning book series, won the hearts of thousands of fans and turned herself into a juggernaut in the literary business with nothing but this Celestia-damned typewriter! Now she couldn't even crank out a chapter. Pathetic.

She plunged her head into her forehooves and sighed again. This was all Monkey-Boy's fault! He'd been her unwilling muse for nigh on a decade, and now of all times he decides to just stop? Where was the sense in that? He was supposed to be some kind of evil mastermind, so why wasn't he pulling off any mastermind-ey stuff?

Her head popped upwards and her face lit up with a sudden revelation. That was actually a good question. Where was he? The Ahuizotl she knew would've made at least three attempts on her life by now. Was he planning something? Something big? What had him so preoccupied that he couldn't even spare the time to set up a good ol' spike pit outside her door?

Slowly a smile began to worm its way across her lips. Whatever he was trying to pull, she'd find out, and by Celestia would it make a decent book... An adventure-mystery, yes! 'The Mystery of Where the Heck Did Ahuizotl Get off To?' Well, she'd make the title a little bit smaller than that, but still!

She grabbed her saddlebags, her whip, and her trusty explorer hat. It felt wonderful to finally put that thing back on-liberating, even. After kicking about uselessly in this dank old hut of hers, she'd finally be getting something done. The wash of excitement and thrill was as exhilarating as always. She stopped herself as she reached for the doorknob. Could it be that Ahuizotl was just... having a holiday or taking a break or something? She tried to imagine the big ball of fur, claws and teeth kicking back at the beach or throwing a party and chortled out a laugh. No way. If she knew anything about Ahuizotl, it was that he was not the fun-loving type.

"Let Rover sing you song of his people!" slurred the dog stumbling across the table before letting out a guttural howl. The sound was ear-piercing. Luckily, A thrown can of lager connected with the diamond dog's face and sent him tumbling from the table before he could cause any permanent damage to everybody's ears.

Ahuizotl stood perplexed in the doorway, shocked at how easily the celebration had dissolved into chaos. He'd spent time with most of these guys before and he'd never seen them get so riled up before. Well, to be fair them, they had just completed what could be described as a doom-fort in the middle of a jungle. If that wasn't reason enough for celebration, he didn't know what was.

"Azzie!" called Chrysalis from across the room. "Come over here and meet our new friend!"

He budged and forced his way through the cramped room all the way to Chrysalis' side. She and Sombra were sat at a table, drinks in hooves. A unicorn sat opposite them, smiling happily. "Azzie, meet Trixie," she said, gesturing towards the unicorn. "She's the one who enslaved Ponyville."

Ahuizotl raised his brows in fake surprise. He'd never heard of Ponyville -sounded like some bumpkin town to him- but he wouldn't want to step on Trixie's metaphorical toes. The last thing he wanted to do was piss off the folks he'd be working with from hereon in. "Very impressive," he said, offering her his hand. "Nice to meet you."

She shook his hand, her smile never faltering. "likewise," she replied before leaving her chair. "If Trixie could be excused, she'd like to catch some fresh air." she offered Ahuizotl her seat before quickly taking off into the crowd. Back at the table, Chrysalis sighed wistfully.

"So nice to see the younger generations getting into the business, isn't it?"

Ahuizotl frowned. From what he knew about Chrysalis, and from the sad way Trixie had shuffled away, he reckoned there'd been more to Chrysalis' previous conversation with Trixie than shining compliments. He knew from experience that the changeling had a bit of a mean streak to her.

"You realize she's about my age, yes?" said Ahuizotl, sitting himself down in Trixie's chair.

"Really?" she asked, frowning. "Why, you must run yourself so ragged! Really Azzie, you should look after yourself more. You look twice your age!"

"As flattering as you are, I didn't come over to make small-talk, Chrysalis." he replied, changing the subject as quickly as possible. To be completely honest, she was probably right. He was hardly what he'd call the healthiest of guys-not with his diet.

"Oh? So what do you want to talk about, dear?"

He revealed the folder he'd been holding in his tail-hand and placed it on the table between them. "Business."

Daring Doo shuffled through the dark, moss-coated hallway uncomfortably. She'd taken exactly forty-eight steps into the temple and so far nothing had sawed her head off, burnt her to ashes or ripped her to shreds. It was... actually pretty terrifying. Ahuizotl was never this un-cautious. She could usually expect something to try and turn her into mincemeat every twenty steps or so (hence all the step counting), and as far as she knew, Ahuizotl hung around this area a lot. She'd never tried getting in before because the place had been absolutely swarming with those jungle cats that Ahuizotl loved, but when she came here this morning, she'd found the place deserted.

'fifty-eight, fifty-nine and sixty duckdodgeandroll!'

She made a fluid set of movements followed by a forward roll so fast that if an onlooker had blinked, they'd have missed it.
She'd been doing this every ten or so steps, just to be certain. You never know when you'll trigger an arrow trap and have to narrowly dodge out of the way of oncoming projectiles, after all.
...
Did I ever mention that Daring Doo was a very cautious pony? Because I'd like to reiterate that. Daring Doo was a very cautious pony, leaning towards paranoia. She couldn't go to bed at night without checking the closet for bombs, the toilet for poisonous snakes and her pillow for hidden bear traps.
Other ponies could laugh all they liked, but somebody had tried the bear trap pillow combination on her before. Twice.

Eventually the hallway opened out into a spacious, high roofed room with a surprisingly lived-in feel to it. An old recliner sat wedged into the corner along with a small coffee table, and a rusty old projector sat at the back of the room, crooked on its tripod. The floor was marked with areas untouched by dust, as if somepony had recently moved out and taken their furniture with them. The only other thing that was left in the room apart from the projector and the tattered old recliner and was an even older fridge, packed with enough snack foods and beers to make a dietician lose their lunch.

Something caught her eye through the doorway beside her. Was that... Warcanter? The room had several desks pressed up tight against the walls, different paint brushes and magnifying glasses strewn across them. A set of paints here, a scalpel there...
In the middle of the room though, was the centerpeice- a table filled with a little, plastic army. The soldiers were sorted into phalanxes and neat little rows, organized with meticulous care. At the base of the table there was a small, hand-crafted plaque which read:
Ahuizotl's property, paws off. That means you, Winston.

Sweet Celestia...

She was standing in Ahuizotl's home...

And he was a Warcanter fan.