One Knighty Before Christmas
In the cold air of North Hamptonshireberg, Ebeneezer Knighty sits over his oaken desk, counting his ill-gotten bitcoins.
"Yes. All of my ad-revenue and 'requests' that every pony turn off their adblock software has turned me another profit this quarter!" He clinked the bitcoins on the desk to make sure they were legitimate and not the litecoins that were passing through the brony streets as of late. "Lite coins! More like, 'not-right coins,' am I right!?" he mused to his hapless assistant, Brony Crotchtits. "Yessir, Mr. Knighty! Just another bronybuck for the brony mill, sir!" Crotchtits rejondered, seeking approval from his angry master. "Nobody asked you for your opinion, nincompoop! Now back to approving those horse words! We're hemorraghing money due to your incompentence!" Ebeneezer Knighty blasted back, the greed welling up in his eyes. "S-sorry, sir....it shan't happen again. Brohoof?" Crotchtits impotently raised his curled hand, hoping for a return of emotion, soome sort of acknowledgement from the man who treated him so cruelly, but he could only look upon with lust from afar.
"Bah! I care for none of your brony chicanery! All I care about is my cash dollahs that make these pegasisters hollah!" Knighty stormed out of his palacial brony office into his brony suite. Greeted by his silent, dwarfen pony that he dyed white and blinded for his own twisted sexual amusement, he curled into his favorite chair and read the latest story submitted to his horsebank: Fimfiction.us. "Yes, this will bring in much money to me. I shall approve of this story personally!" This greedy endeavor went on well into the night, as Knighty dozed off to sleep.
He woke to the cold air brushing over his face, and the sound of loud chains clanging against his marble floor. It was his former business part and confidante: Jacob Smitty. His cold twisted face was barely recognizeable, but what was unmistakable was the colored oversized phallus' draped between the links of his chain. "Knighty, you knew me in life as your best brony brah...but in death, I am weighed down by my sins of avarice. These dragon dildos prevent me from ever bathing in the warm light of our lord and savior Jesus Christ in heaven...and should you not change your wicked ways, you too will be forever trapped in brony Purgatory, never to join Princess Celestia in Equestria above."
Knighty, now paralyzed in impotent fear, meekly asked "How can I avoid such a fate? I must go to Equestria, it's been my life's work!" Smitty explained that the only chance at redemption was meeting the 3 Brony Spirits of Hearthswarming. "Heed their message, Knighty...do not make the same mistake I did...."
Later that evening, Knighty was visited by the Ghost of Brony Christmas past, who brought him back to Season 1. "See Knighty, look at how they were so excited at the show. Singing Winter Wrap-Up and dreaming of a future where their pony words would create a world left void when they show went off the air for the 6 days until their hopes would be re-ignited every Saturday morning." "Bah," said Knighty, "they know nothing of the horrors that await their favorite character, and how Merriweather will write horrible episodes that ruin their headcannons." "It matters not, Knighty. They have the show, and love and tolerance. They have joy, a joy you have lost in your shekel hoarding.
The Ghost of Brony Christmas present brought Knighty to the broken shambles of the Everfree Network studios. "See, Ghost? This is what happens when you let bronies run amok. They destroy themselves. Their money belongs to me and me alone!" "No, look closer: even though they're broke and miserable, look at all the news they've brought to people. Now fans are closer to the show than ever before, seeing behind the scenes of Studio B and the creators. They've made the fans just a little bit more happy, which is something your site used to do."
The Ghost of Brony Christmas future brought Ebeneezer Knighty to a destroyed wasteland, to which Knighty asked "Where am I, spirit? A world where bronys finally destroyed everything?" The spirit said nothing, rather pointed to a sign that said in faded letters, Studio B. "How spirit, how could this have happened? Bronys spend money like they plan on never using it for anything else but plushies and nonsense! How did they go out of business!?" The spirit then pointed to a newspaper whose headline read "Studio B goes out of business because bronies stopped buying official merchandise and watching the show because FimFiction just went to straight up porno and ads and they just jerked it to that and the show wasn't enough to get off to anymore so they stopped watching it." "No! No! Spirit, I'll change my ways!"
Ebeneezer Knighty woke up in a cold sweat, and ran out to his window. He shouted at a young boy on the street, "You! Urchin! What day is it?" "T'day sah? Whoi, es Chrissmas day!" A smile cracked across Knightys face: Then there's still time!
He ran to his office, changed the background to a blinding white, and unplugged the server, and fired everyone. And in a final symbolic gesture, he emptied his recycle bin, effectively deleting the site. Merry Christmas to all.
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Author's Note
Based on a true story.
