Guffaw at the Grossly

by Weeeman

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Discord, Alternate Universe, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 18630

Guffaw, a young she-draconequus finds Equestria millenia before the events depicted in the show. There, Discord will make her his champion in the first ChessGame of the Gods.

The physical realms are so weird. So, I come here and I have to have a "body", which needs me to put things like oxygen and water inside of it from time to time, only for it to release the same air and water afterwards! This is so crazy. It also seems that trying to "say" my name by "talking" is impossible, so I have decided to call myself Guffaw to save time.

At least this "Discord" guy has been really helpful. He told me about the world I'm in and he even said that I could play the "best game ever". I wonder if I will have to create a new universe by breeding frogs like in that dimension that was soooo fun to watch? What, I have to go to a giant floating island and fight all the other players until I'm the last one alive? That sounds like...

FUN!

[Takes place in the Chess Game of the Gods universe, 20000 years before the current events.]

Published 2014-02-16 16:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-27 19:33:26 UTC

01: A Deal with the D

Chapter 1: A Deal with the D

“Yes, kill the Black King! Use your page of rage special power to deal massive damage!” I was shouting by that point. But, who wouldn’t? This session was, by far, the most interesting of S̴̷͞B̶̕U͠R͏̵́͞҉B͞͝ I had seen in centuries. There were a total of 64 players in this one, so the Black King had evolved so much due to the players’ actions that it was impossible to determine his original species. Carapacians resembled humans covered in a black exoskeleton, but the monster the teenagers were fighting only retained the black coloration.

Hours later, the players won their game, so I decided to stop watching. The happy ending was always the most boring part. Just thinking of how boring it would be to see sixty-four teenagers drop their weapons and enter a new universe in which they would be able to prosper made me leave.

On an unrelated note, I had found a song I couldn’t stop listening to.

I wandered in my ethereal form around the Nexus, trying to find anything fun that would make me laugh. I was half-tempted to try assuming a physical form, but doing so in the Nexus often meant immediately dying and then spending several years trying to get out of the dead body you had placed your soul into. I was thinking about why mortal bodies seemed to die so easily when I stumbled upon something that I had never felt before. It was a trail of the magic of another member of my race, but what was unique about the trail was that it clearly signaled that the magic had been to actually leave the Nexus and enter another dimension. That immediately picked my interest. I focused on the trail and soon found that I could follow it and reach that place.

“Should I rush head first to an unknown and potentially dangerous dimension?” I wondered aloud. “Well of course I’m going to do it!”

I used my magic to travel out of the Nexus and enter a physical dimension. Describing anything that happens in the Nexus is difficult, especially if you can only describe what a human being is able to perceive, so I’ll describe the travel as many blinding lights and an annoying buzzing that lasted several seconds. When it ended, I felt a strong force trying to pulling me towards the Nexus. I had been told by my elders that the force I was feeling would drag me back to the Nexus unless I managed to assume a physical form, so I quickly got to it. To begin with I turned myself into a carapacian Queen, so I could actually see through physical eyes where I was, and because I considered myself closer to being female than male. Being physical felt so weird. I had always been a spirit, pure energy and conscience, but now my intelligence was confined in a brain, and my energy was stored inside my body. I was surprised by the fact that I seemed to know how to breath and how to move, which was great because moving like a newborn for weeks would have been a great annoyance. Just as in the Nexus, my magic acted as I willed it, so I didn’t have to say stupid words or dance around like a clown for my magic to work. I will probably do it, anyways. Doing the dance of rain must be much funnier than making it rain without dancing.

I seemed to be standing on a grass plain and surrounded by air with a large amount of oxygen, so I quickly discarded anything that would be useless, such as having gills instead of lungs, and started shaping my body.

Firstly came my head. Years ago, I had watched a rather primitive species which I had grown fond of. I liked them so much that I had, in fact, decided that I would like to look like them if I ever assumed a physical form. My magic changed my head until it no longer resembled a carapacian’s. My features were feline, with ears and teeth and all of those weird things animals have so they can, like, eat and see and listen and stuff. White fur covered my new head, and I had a total of two eyes. I considered having more, but what was the point of having so many? I also couldn’t decide which color my eyes should be, so they kept on changing whenever I changed my mind.

Secondly, I focused on my torso. I felt my current body to be too restrictive, so I immediately thought of a torso which had a bigger liberty of movements than most: that of a snake. I briefly considered making each scale have a different color, and the thought of different colors made me remember an animal that could change the color of its scales, so I made my scales able to mimic the colors of whatever I wanted.

After that I contemplated having more than two arms, but I decided to give myself only two and add more if I ever wanted to. My left arm turned into living water that I could control as if it was a regular arm made of flesh. This living water came from a species I had seen a long, long time ago, which could turn their bodies into ice or even vapour whenever they wanted. They were so cool. Anyways, my right arm remained the same, but I remembered that carapacians seemed to lose limbs very often when anything attacked them, so I made it bulkier and with a sturdier exoskeleton just in case. Then the fingers looked weird, so I made the index and middle finger fuse into a single finger, and then I did the same with the other two fingers.

For the legs I quickly decided what I wanted. My left leg turned into a female human leg, because female human legs seemed to have the power of sexy, and I wanted to try what wearing high heels was like. For that, I made my human leg wear a black fishnet stocking and a red high heel. My right leg turned into a mechanical limb, which resembled the skeleton of a human leg, but with the toes ending in huge claws. Then I decided that metal was too plain so I painted it neon green. With pink dots.

“I think that’s it,” I said aloud, my voice sounding more high-pitched that I expected. “Wow, so that is how my voice sounds, it’s ratheee...” I felt a desperate need for something as I found that I couldn’t speak anymore. Then my new body’s instinct kicked in and I started to quickly breathe.

“Oh, I need to breathe now,” I told myself, my breathing slowing down. “I need to remember that. Now, what else?”

“Maybe you could add wings. Flying is useful.”

“Sure! Wings wings wings… Oh!”

I gave myself the right wing of an albatross, which was noticeable larger than my insectoid hand. The left wing was that of a hummingbird. I made it many times larger than it should so it would actually stand out, but it was still much smaller than the other wing.

“Alright, now what?”

“A tail?”

“Meh, tails are kinda useless… Wait, I have an idea.”

A large tentacle sprouted from my lower back, its suckers shaped like hooks that could cut through flesh.

“Well, I think that’s all I need.”

“What about some horns?”

“Horns? Why would I even want horns? Worst idea ever,” I stretched my new limbs for a few seconds, then I realized something. “Hold on, who am I talking to?”

I looked in front of me and found another mix of several different creatures facing me. The facial features were masculine, so he probably considered himself a “he”. His head had a vaguely equine shape, with sharp carnivore teeth and two long fangs. The coat on his head was grey, his mane was black and he also had a small black goatee. His eyes were yellow with red irises under his thick black eyebrows, and he had an antler and an uncommon blue horn sprouting from the top of his head. His torso was long and slim with dark brown fur. His left arm was yellow and resembled the foot of an eagle; while his right arm was yellowish and similar to the arm a large feline would have, such as a lion. He had two small legs, one green and covered in scales like a dragon’s, and the other covered in brown hair and ending on a cloven hoof. He had two wings on his back, one with light blue feathers and the other dark blue and leathery. His tail was covered in red scales and ended in a tuft of black hair. I felt small, since he was twice as tall as me, even though I had made myself around 85 inches tall. Or was it 2 meters and 15 centimeters tall? There are few things I hate more than measurement units. Especially human's.

“Hello, fine lady!” he exclaimed. “I didn’t expect to see another draconequus around here. May I have your name?”

“Draconequus?”

“Well, miss ‘draconequus?’, you may call me Discord,” he said. “By the way, draconequus is the name the races of this world have given to our kind.”

What a silly name. Mortals are so unimaginative.

“You could have started with that, Discock,” I replied, annoyed. “My name is G̨̈̊͑̎ͣ̽̾ͦ͌͛̄ͥ̽͢҉̯̮̖͔̟̺̪̗̮̗͙͕̺͍̮͎̖̩̭́û̢̋̔́ͬ̇̀̔̍͞͞͏̼͖͚̭̬̱̗̼͔͟f͐͆̈́̈ͮ͊̈̂̉̚͘͡͏̛͉̱̙̖͖̜f̴̸̨̣̬̖̜̞̖͉͕͚̝̝͚̲̳̰̫̫͛̈̃͛̀ͧ̓ͩ̏́aͣ͑̒̆͛͑ͧ̈̓͂͌̒ͮ̉̈́ͧ̽́͏̴̯̺̣̯̞̘̯ẁ̴̢̀̑̌̾̂ͭ̍̎͐̓ͬ̚͞͏̮̲̮̹̦̮͎̥̗͈͎̹̠̰̙̳͙.”

Saying my name hurt my throat, so I started coughing in slight pain.

“A good name, but I fear saying that to a mortal will only make him develop a headache, and it will hurt your delicate vocal cords.”

“Ugh, if I had known the physical world was so limited I would have stayed in the Nexus…” I said. “Call me… Guffaw?”

“Guffaw? Why not Chuckles? Anyway, I must say I was surprised when I felt you breaking through the dimensional barriers the same way I did all those centuries ago. Why have you come here? Are you a fangirl of mine, maybe? I don’t sign autographs.”

I just had to roll my eyes at that. “I just happened to find traces of your magic and decided to take a look around. I was curious about what having a physical, mortal body was like.”

“Well, now that you are here… Would you like to play a game?”

“About time you said something interesting, old man! What is this game about and how do we play?” I asked with eagerness.

“It’s rather simple: you become my champion, you go to a giant floating island, you win if you are the last champion alive or the remaining ones surrender to you,” he explained.

“Sounds fun! When do we start?”

“That’s the spirit! Now, I regret to tell you that, in order to participate, you need to have your power weakened. Most of your opponents are mortals in rather frail bodies, so you could just kill them in the first day of the game without these limits.”

I frowned. “What limits? If I’m going to be forced to live like a boring powerless mortal then there’s no deal.”

“Well, your raw power is fine as it is, but I fear you won’t be able to teleport or heal your injuries. I mean, these bodies of ours, they are simply too hard to kill for mortals,” he said, and to prove it he disemboweled himself, did some skipping with his intestines and then instantly healed.

“What do you mean ‘your raw power is fine as it is’?” I demanded. “You are calling me weak? I’m going to wreck you.”

I summoned all my power as an aura around my body to impress the older draconequus. My smug smirk dropped when I noticed that Discord had done the same and his was way, way bigger than mine. “Alright… Maybe I’ll let it slide this time.”

“So, do we have a deal?” he asked, the glow on his eagle claw slowly vanishing.

“What will happen if I die? I don’t want to find myself trapped in some sort of afterlife from which I can’t ever leave.”

“Well, you are as immortal as I am, so the worst your opponents can do is killing your body. If that happens you will be taken back by the Nexus so you will be disqualified for leaving the game zone.”

“Then it’s a d… Wait, what do I get for winning?”

“You? If you win I’ll let you stay in this world instead of kicking you back to the Nexus.”

I shrugged. “Alright, I’ll be your champion or whatever you call it.”

“Great! Now, let me link our minds. That way I’ll be able to communicate with you as if we were in the Nexus. I’ll give you more details while you fly towards Atlantis, the flying island.”

I nodded and allowed his magic to enter my body. He snapped his eagle fingers and I felt a small shiver when he blocked my ability to teleport and heal myself, but it only lasted a second. Where is this ‘Atlantis’? I asked him, directing the thought at him.

Discord surprised me by grabbing me and throwing me to the air. Fly in the direction I threw you and you will find it! he explained via our mental link as I began to flap my wings. Go eat the hairballs of a dozen fat cats… Wow, this flying thing IS fun.

I told you about it.

Wait, what is this? I feel like something invisible is touching my face! What’s happening?

That’s the wind.

Oooooooh. Hehe, it sorta tickles. So, this dimension… What kind of mortals live here? Humans, maybe?

No, not humans.

Then I’ll have to change my sexy human leg into… Hey, I can’t change it! Damn you, your magic doesn’t let me change my body!

Changing an old limb into a new one counts as self-healing.

Damn. So, who lives here?

Well, the history of this young planet, by the way the name of the planet is Equis, is rather complicated. You see, in the beginning there was the Perfect Race, which-

Abridged version, please.

Killjoy. There are three sapient races. Dragons are the first one, they are very powerful and all the things you can expect from a dragon: flying, fire-breathing, hard to damage, nasty and long lived. Oh, and in this planet they can use magic by talking their native tongue. Then there are alicorns. Alicorns are horses with horns and wings. Their horns let them use magic that can rival ours. Well, not mine, but you won’t find it funny if they attack you. Lastly, there’s the cynogriffins. Cynogriffins look like wolves with wings, and they can fly really, really fast. On a related note, if they break the sound barrier in this world they create a huge energy shockwave. If they manage to move at twice that speed, they create an even bigger shockwave, and so on.

Wow, this world is so weird… I love it! So, Discord, what happens when one of them travels at, like, a hundred times the speed of sound?

I have no idea. I have tried making them travel at insane speeds with my magic but it seems that they must reach these speeds on their own for the magic to happen.

Wait, so you took these wolves and propelled them into the air fast enough for them to leave the planet’s atmosphere?

Yeah, isn’t it fun?

You bet it is! Alright, now I have some questions about not dying. Because you want me to win, right? Yeah… How much should I eat everyday? Do I even have to eat or can I sustain myself with magic without it counting as self-healing?

Yes, you really should eat or you will starve. I like big butts and I cannot lie, so you better keep that rear properly fed. And using your magic to replace any of your body’s functions, such as breathing or eating, counts as self-healing.

OH COME ON!

It’s not that bad. During the following weeks most of the limits will disappear. I’m also limited in how much I can tell you, but I can say that the god who started this game made a rule so no piece was stronger than his at the beginning of the game. That is why I have been forced to limit your powers, so that you can’t defeat that piece right now.

Grumbling to myself, I kept on flying towards Atlantis, a part of me wondering if this game would be fun enough to compensate the constraints that it had placed on me.

02: Atlantits

Chapter 2: Atlantits

Two hours after arriving at this world, I discovered something astounding: being physical is unbearably annoying. I felt thirsty, my wings ached from flying, I had had to stop so I could pee, and my eyes itched due to the wind and flying facing the Sun. At least I could actually see Atlantis. When Discord said that Atlantis was a floating island, I thought it would be, like, small enough for someone to walk from one end to the other in an hour. The humongous floating landmass in the horizon would take days to traverse! I guessed I still needed to fly for eight more hours before I could land on the floating continent, so I stopped flapping my wings and used my magic to levitate towards my destination.

Great, now that I don’t even have to flap my wings I’m getting bored. At least I can levitate without Discord's block interfering. Speaking of that creepy old man... Discooooooooord. I’m booooooooored.

Sucks to be you, then.

Aaaaaaaaaw travelling is so boooooring. If only I could teleport! How am I supposed to survive this boredom? That island is so far away!

Not so easy to enjoy yourself without the whole multiverse at your disposal, huh? If I were you I wouldn’t do something as boring as flying in a straight line towards Atlantis, spice things up a little bit, girl!

How?

In every job that must be done there’s an element of fun. And every task you undertake becomes a piece of cake.

Are you really going to sing me a song with that female voice in the background? I was not amused.

Aw Hell no I don’t want to be sued for copyright infringement. Plus my singing really needs some improvement. Just remember: a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

You HAD to project that song into my head to force me to hear it even if you don’t sing it, didn’t you?

Indeed.

I ignored Discord’s song and, following his advice, looked around in order to find something fun. I looked down but the ground was a boring green plain with a few trees here and there, which didn’t give me any ideas. Then I flew into a cloud.

“Weeeeee!” I exclaimed as I shaped the cloud into a convertible car that I drove through the sky. I decided to also turn on the radio.

“News? I want music!” I tuned in to a different station, but it was also boring news. At last, I found a station I liked on the third try.

Some minutes later I grew bored of driving a car, so it turned into a bicycle. The bicycle became annoying way sooner, so I turned it into a jet plane. Then it was a sailing ship, then a huge motorcycle, followed by a spaceship, a submarine, a walrus, a police box and a jetpack. When I finally condensed the cloud into water and drank it the sun was setting and I had reached the coast. Atlantis was floating above the sea, several kilometers away from my location. I turned the white sand of the beach I landed on into a mansion - which obviously was not made of sand - and I walked towards it. I was about to go inside when my stomach grumbled, something that really startled me as I didn’t expect my body to do that. It took me a few seconds to realize what that sound meant: I was hungry.

Discooooooord. How do I find food? I’m hungryyyyy!

Did you make yourself omnivore?

I don’t knooooow!

Your head is of a carnivore, and if you don’t know you probably didn’t realize you could make your innards able to digest anything, so I guess you can only eat meat. You’ll have to hunt something. Hunting can be really fun!

Yay, monster hunting!

No, not that kind of hunting. Monsters taste bad, anyways. You have to hunt something that you can eat afterwards. There’s a forest nearby, you will find preys there.

Roger that.

I walked towards the forest, remembering all the hunts I had observed from the Nexus. Since I was a lone hunter, I would have to be sneaky or any potential prey would flee. I tried walking on all fours, but my legs weren’t meant for such a position, and my water arm had to be turned into ice for that, so I laid on my belly and slithered silently, trying to detect any living being. After a few minutes I heard something moving in a bush a few meters in front of me. A grin grew in my face as I slithered towards it, slower than before so my limbs wouldn’t make a noise by hitting something. I flinched when my mechanical leg brushed some fallen branches, making a noise. A bunny jumped out of the bush, and it dodged me as I tried to grab it with my hands. The bunny darted away and soon I couldn’t even hear him running. It was clear that I couldn’t keep up with something so agile, so I decided to use magic to kill whatever I found next.

An hour later I hadn’t found anything I could eat. Annoyed, I got up and began walking back to the beach, resigned to postpone my first physical meal ever. I had just walked a few meters when I heard a sound similar to a gasp coming from my left side, so I made a lightning spear appear on my right hand and threw it at the source of the noise. The spear shone so brightly that I couldn’t see what I had attacked, but I could heard a sharp cry of pain that was cut short by the spear exploding with violence. I walked towards the charred ground and found that my victim had been blown up into pieces by my spell, so I couldn’t recognise what it was before I killed it. I levitated all the pieces I could find and happily returned to my mansion. Some minutes later I was sitting before a table with a dish with the charred remains of whatever I had killed on it. I wasn’t sure if I should eat it raw or cooked, so I cut a small piece that had been “cooked” by the explosion with my right hand and slowly chewed it.

It.

Was.

Awesome.

I could go on for minutes about how incredible it was to taste something for the first time in my life. It was so radically different to anything I had ever experienced before that it took me a full minute to be able to continue eating. I experimented eating different parts that were either raw or had been organs instead of muscles. I found that some things tasted better, but there were very few parts I had to spit because they tasted bad. My meal seemed to have been some sort of mammal, since most of it was covered in a short fur. However, I also found some feathers, which forced me to think what animal could have both at the same time. Discord had told me that both cynogriffins and alicorns were mammals that also had wings, so I decided to ask him if there were more creatures in this world with the same characteristics.

Hey, Discord. What the heck am I eating? It has fur and feathers. Did I just hunt a flying boar or what?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What the fuck are you laughing at?

Pfffffffft. I can’t believe you are eating that! Hahahahahahaha!

I decided that I should really know what I was eating as soon as possible. I dropped the limb I had been eating for the last minutes, and then I realized that the limb ended in a hoof. I levitated everything and I also found a horn that was no longer attached to the rest of the body.

Fur, wings, hooves and horn… OOOOOOH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I’m eating an alicorn!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

We continued laughing for several minutes. I found, to my surprise, that laughing with a physical body was slightly different to laughing in the Nexus, but it was similar enough for me to keep laughing without feeling weird.

… Hold on, didn’t you say alicorns were very powerful? How come it died so easily?

Because you just killed and ate an alicorn child, they aren’t able to use magic until they get older!

Hahahahaha! Should I be worried about this child’s parents coming after me? Parents are surprisingly violent when their offspring is damaged.

That could be an issue, indeed. Hehehe. You aren’t ready to fight adult alicorns yet.

Meh, I will just hide the remains and if they find me I’ll act all naïve and innocent.

Act?

Go have sexual intercourse with a pincushion man.

Oh, my. Such rudeness.

I no longer felt the desire to eat, so I snapped my fingers and the remains of my dinner were teleported a few million millimeters away, so they would sink into the ocean and no one could relate them to me. I floated to the bedroom and I was soon laying on the bed, wondering what sleeping would be like.

“Uuuuuugh why does everything hurt so much?” I moaned as I walked outside.

I had woken up a couple of minutes earlier, disappointed because I hadn’t had a single dream. Not even a nightmare! To make it worse, it seemed that my brain was barely working, and the only thing I wanted was to stay on the bed forever. I had always thought that “being sleepy” was just an excuse created by lazy mortals, but now I knew better. When I finally mustered enough willpower to get up, I gasped in a mix of surprise and pain. My whole body ached and felt stiff! I had no idea what was happening. I had asked Discord, convinced that he had somehow caused this to have fun at my expense, and he had explained me that it was normal to feel like this when straining your muscles too much. I knew he wasn’t lying, as I had watched quite a few mortals suffer these symptoms, but feeling them first-hand was a completely new and unwanted experience.

"Alright, I’ll fly up there and then find breakfast," I thought aloud.

Since I was too sore to use my wings, I simply levitated towards Atlantis.

Hey Disdis. What can I eat in Atlantis? I guess the cynos won’t be as easy to hunt.

Well, my dear Chuckles, there are three kind of creatures on Atlantis: insanely fast ones, ridiculously strong ones, and critters that are good at hiding. Everything else has been hunted to extinction by the cynogriffins. You could try eating some of the fruits you will find there, you will find that some of them are rather… Peculiar.

Didn’t you say that I could only eat meat?

I say lots of things, not all of them can be true.

If you had told me to eat fruits I wouldn’t have eaten an alicorn child.

I know, isn’t it hilarious?

It totally is.

Oh, one little detail I forgot to mention. You are about to enter Atlantis’ airzone. Once you do, leaving it will disqualify you, so stay in Atlantis. Never fly below the continent or too high above it and you won’t risk breaking that rule.

In the name of Chaos just how many rules are there?!

A lot. Most only affect me, though.

Such as?

Such as: you can’t tell your champion how to defeat other champions.

Hah, I don’t need you to tell me, there is no way I will be defeated by a bunch of harmony-loving losers. Hey! I reached Atlantis!

I had finally ascended enough to see what Atlantis’ upper portion looked like. An immense forest was all I could see, even after going higher and higher until the trees looked like ants.

“A forest? Boring, let’s see what lies beyond it,” I thought aloud.

I put on aviator glasses so my eyes wouldn’t itch and I levitated as fast as possible, the ground below me becoming a blur. Just as I was about to break the sound barrier, I surrounded myself with an energy barrier to protect my body from the sonic boom. I felt the barrier break, and when I looked back I realized that I had caused something really beautiful to appear on the sky. For the next minutes I flew like that, leaving a trail of beauty and trippiness behind me.

Suddenly, something large and heavy collided against me from below. The sudden impact dazed me, so I could only stare confused at the huge brown bear with giant curved claws that had appeared out of nowhere and was roaring at me.

“Say whaaaa-” I began to say, but the bear turned my words into a cry of pain when it attacked me with its claws, wounding my chest. I had never felt something like this pain before, but I forced myself to focus on the matter at hand. I pushed the abnormal bear away from me with magic and quickly dismembered it with a strong telekinetic pull. I looked down, wondering where the heck that bear had come from, just in time to see another bear darting towards me. I made my water arm grow and turn into a sword of ice just in time to cut the bear in two vertically as I dodged his attack. Before I could rejoice in my victory, another bear hit me from behind, injuring my tentacle tail and human leg. Enraged, I threw a beam of electricity, fire and arcane energy at him, which caused him to explode in a gory mess.

“FUCKING JUMPING BEARS I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!” I shouted, driven mad by the pain and the frustration.

I landed on the ground so the bears couldn’t jump me from any direction and continued advancing in the same direction I had before the attack. I was so angry that I killed anything I saw, especially bears. An hour or so later I calmed down and decided to stop.

“Oh, great, I’m still bleeding,” I tried to touch one of the wounds, but as soon as I did I hissed in pain.

DISCORD! When will I be able to heal myself again?!

In no less than a week.

Damn! How do I heal myself without magic?

You only have to… Oh, I can’t tell you. It’s against the rules.

Ug… I should have really paid attention to how mortals healed their wounds without magic.

I think it’s unbelievably unfair, but the others are forcing me to stop talking to you unless you want to talk about something else. They say that I could indirectly tell you what to do.

That is exactly what you were going to do, right?

Yes.

I laughed a bit, but the pain of my wounds was killing the mood. I thought hard of all the wounded mortals I had seen from the Nexus, trying to guess just what was what they did when they got wounded. Then I remembered something: they always wore bandages over the wounds.

“Ha ha!” I exclaimed as I made bandages appear and wrap around my wounds. “Now that’s more like it.”

I began to move again, bored of the harmful jumping bears and the endless forest.

03: Bad Dogs

Chapter 3: Bad Dogs

The jumping bears seemed to have learned their lesson, as I didn’t encounter a single one after I bandaged my wounds. I continued to move forwards for hours, flying as fast as I could while dodging the trees. By noon, a bunny jumped just in front of me, so I gobbled it up for lunch. My wounds weren’t hurting as bad as they did before, but the pain was still annoying. Suddenly, the ground disappeared, and I found myself floating a kilometer above the ocean below. Behind me was the floating island I had just left, and in front of me, a few kilometers away, there was an even bigger island.

Discoooooooooooord!

What?

You could have told me Atlantis is a lot of small islands!

It’s not, you just landed on one of the small islands that circle the main one.

Oh! So the one in front of me is the real deal?

That’s it.

Good. Are there any more of these fucking bears?

Probably.

Next time I find one, I’ll make myself a necklace with its teeth.

Discord then decided to talk about the intricacies of alicorn anatomy, and about how they were able to manipulate stuff with their hooves with a precision on par with a human’s. I let him talk without really paying attention to him, as I pondered on what I would change first as soon as I was allowed to use my magic on myself again. My musings accompanied me as I reached the main island and continued advancing, hoping to find anything that wasn’t more trees and grass and critters and forest and trees and wildlife and trees and boredom.

I know you aren’t paying attention to me, but you really should acknowledge the cynogriffins that have been watching you for the last hour.

What? Where?

I... can’t tell you. Oh for goodness’ sake! These rules are so constricting and frustrating! I can’t do anythingsave for watching you move around without any idea of what you are doing!

Yeah, this game has been sorta boring so far. Why don’t we just do something else?

I’m afraid that is simply not possible.

Not possible? What do you mean?

Just focus on the cynogriffins. I’ll explain it later.

Thanks to Discord’s warning, I realized that I wasn’t the only thing moving in the forest. My ears picked up the faint noises of wings flapping and tree branches being grazed. I slowed down until I stopped, then I turned to face the incoming wolves. Soon, one of them broke through the foliage that hid them, and the slobbering beast had the audacity of snarling at me.

“That’s no proper way to address a lady!” I admonished him. I mean, the nerve of growling at me like that! He deserves a spanking for that!

“What are you?” the cyno asked.

“I am a… What was it… Oh, right! I’m a draconequus!”

The other five cynos showed themselves, forming a circle around me. They snarled and growled, but none of them dared to get closer to me.

“A draconequus?” the biggest of the cynogriffins asked. “I thought Discord the draconequus was only a myth, and I have never heard of more creatures like him. You will come with us, the alpha will want to see you with his own eyes.”

“Sure, why not?”

I followed the talkative cynogriffin, as the others stayed behind me. We flew way below the speed of sound, probably to avoid making noise and leaving a huge colorful trail that could be seen from everywhere. After just a few minutes we all landed on a small camp. I could see the remains of a campfire, the half-eaten remains of some sort of deer, and a big cage made of metal bars.

“Get in that cage, draconequus.”

I wanted to know what they were up to, so I decided to obey their orders and see what happened. “What now?” I asked once I was locked inside the cage.

“Now you wait there in silence while we hunt.”

“Have fun!”

As the cynos left, I realized that they wanted me to wait inside the cage, doing nothing, until they eventually returned. Obviously, such a thing was impossible. How was I supposed to wait for hours, with nothing to keep me entertained while the wounds caused by the jumping bears still hurt?! To make things even worse, I realized that I had to poo, something that I hadn’t done ever before. Yes, I wasn’t potty trained, I barely managed to pee without it spraying all over me, so “taking a dump” was something I wasn’t sure I would manage to do without making a huge mess.

Discord, I need potty training, NOW.

The only thing that came from his end was loud laughter and brief stops to breathe.

“Alright, Guffaw, you can do this. Even the most simple of creatures do it without help, and you are the pinnacle of perfection. Alright, let’s go!”

A couple of minutes later I was feeling more grateful than ever before to the fact that, even though I couldn’t use my magic on myself, I could use it on anything that was excreted by me. Teleporting stuff away proved to be very useful. With that sorted out, I decided to play the guitar until the wolves returned. I had no idea how to do such a thing with my fingers, but thanks to my magic I could play any song I wished better than any guitarist. I only played it for a few minutes, since I remembered that I had been told to be silent, so I decided to do something else. By the time the wolves returned, carrying a dead reindeer with them, I was playing checkers against myself. For some reason, they seemed to be surprised by something I had done, since they were all staring at me with wide eyes.

“How did she get all that stuff in there?” one of them asked.

I looked behind me and noticed that I had indeed filled the cage to the brim with a wide variety of objects that would bring me amusement, such as books, a TV, three dismantled kllzoñoiräghets, a dresser, and canned serendipity.

“I got bored while waiting for you,” I answered as all the items disappeared with a snap of my insectoid fingers.

“Magic,” a different cynogriffin snarled. “We should get rid of this creature. Nothing good comes from being near magic users.”

“I said we will show her to the alpha, and that’s what we are going to do,” the one that seemed to be the leader replied.

“So, uh, when can I come out?” I asked. “It’s boring here, my wounds are itching like crazy and I’m hungry.”

“You are wounded?”

“Well, duh, why do you think I’m wearing these?” I asked, pointing at the bandages.

“For all I know those are part of your body like that… Limb-shaped water thing.”

“No, these are real bandages. I was flying around, minding my own business, when I suddenly got attacked by giant bears that jumped out of the forest.”

“Saberclaw bears,” the wolf muttered, frowning. “You are lucky to still be alive, those creatures are vile and dangerous.”

“So, I’m still hungry and my wounds still annoy me.”

“So?”

“So? What are you going to do about it?”

“Why do you think I AM going to do anything about your problems? You will be supplied food so you won’t starve, but if you think I’m going to lick your wounds like you were a pup you are very mistaken.”

I almost blowed them all to pieces there and then, but the fact that then I would be alone and bored again swayed my hand. Therefore, I decided to act the part of a prisoner. I looked down, trying to look as crestfallen and defeated as possible until they turned their attention to the reindeer they had recently hunted.

Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to watch them as if I was back in the Nexus. To my surprise,I found myself captivated by them. They were, essentially, sapient wolves with wings attached to their backs, which made them way different to the archetypical sapient human-like beings that were boringly common in way too many dimensions. The cynogriffins had paws with no opposable thumbs, yet they could manipulate stuff with way more dexterity that they had any right to. It was as if their pads had glue that allowed them to hold stuff.

After listening to them for a few hours I had a pretty good picture of each of them. They were an amusing group, each cynogriffin having his own personality and all of that. One of them seemed to hold a grudge with another due to some female they both desired or something like that. The only thing stopping them from attacking each other was the leader’s presence. The leader, the one who had talked to me the most, was always making sure his underlings didn’t do anything stupid.

There was a lot more I learned about them, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that, as soon as I figured all of that out, I grew bored of watching them.

Disco, I’m bored. Tell me why you can’t just leave the game.

It’s a long story, it’ll probably bore you.

Nothing can be more boring than this. And I would like to know what is going on. Like, the backstory, the lore, why this is like this and that is like that.

Alright, get comfortable. Daddy Discord is going to tell you a story. Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equis, the gods decided to create a Perfect Race. Fortunately, I arrived just in time to stop it. Can you imagine a perfect race, ruling over the world without opposition nor conflict? Wouldn’t it be the most boring thing possible? So, I meddled with their act of creation, making sure that the “perfect” race was not so perfect. Thanks to that, the race split into the three sapient races, the cynogriffins that surround you being one of them.

Ok I just realized I have absolutely zero interest for the history of this planet. Skip to the interesting part.

That’s what I was going to do. You need to be more patient, sometimes a bit of waiting can result in much more amusement in the long run, Chuckles. You see, even though the race was no longer perfect, it was still near perfect. Due to that, I figured that this planet needed something big and nasty that would cause the chaos that the locals failed to provide. So I created the creatures that are now known as The Evils. The first one I created is Tirek the Destroyer, a creature of pure malice and destruction. Simply put, I went overboard with him. I created him so he could spread violence and destruction while I focused on chaos and fun. I left him to his own devices and I sort of forgot about him. The next time I encountered him, he had managed to grow as powerful as I am, if not stronger. He is the one who has started this game, and if he wins nothing will stop him from taking over this planet. You see, a perfect race living in an utopia is boring, but an infernal land in which there’s only pain and death is even worse. I can’t let him get away with that, because he is my creation so then it will be ME the one to blame for turning this land into something as monotone and unoriginal as a living hell.

So you messed up big time and now you are doing damage control.

Pretty much, yes. That is why I need you to win. If Tirek wins, this world will become a terrible place to live, and I have grown fond of it so I don’t want to leave it. If Faust or any other goody-two-shoes player wins they will bring peace and order.

I grimaced when he said that word and, judging by how he pronounced it on my mind, he also did.

But, if we win… With that power I could spread chaos and disharmony all over the planet, and not even all of the powers in this planet united could stop me! When these mortals get a taste of the wonders of chaos, they will sing the praises of it! Just think of the possibilities! We could do things that not even the wildest mind could ever conceive.

It does sound fun. I guess that goal is worth winning this not-so-amusing-anymore game.

“Hey,” a cynogriffin called me, bringing me back to reality. “Stop daydreaming and eat this.”

He threw a mass of half-eaten reindeer entrails in front of me. Shrugging, I started eating. The taste was slightly different to my previous meal, but I enjoyed it too. I was about to finish it when I began to feel very, very sleepy. I soon found myself unable to move a muscle, let alone use magic.

“See? I told you it would work,” I heard someone say before I blacked out.

04: I Accidentally the Whole Thing

Chapter 4: I Accidentally the Whole Thing

A loud clanging noise woke me up. Confused, I opened my eyes, only to close them in pain due to how strong the light was. After a few seconds, I could open my eyes just a little bit so I could see without being blinded. Everything was blurry, and I could barely make the shape of the cage I was trapped inside of. Clumsily, I managed to bring my water limb to my face and wash myself with it. The feeling of cold water against my skin and my sensitive feline whiskers took away most of the grogginess. I took a deep breath and turned to face the source of the clanging noise. A cynogriffin was hitting the bars of the cage with a pan, and stopped when I looked at him.

“Good morning, sleepy-head,” he said. “We are having breakfast. Here, have some.”

He pushed into the cage some roasted meat and a cup with some sort of hot liquid in it.

“How long have I been sleeping? I just fell asleep while eating for some reason.”

“You slept the whole night, it’s early in the morning and we all woke up, so we decided to wake you up, too.”

Shrugging, I tried to use my magic to levitate the breakfast towards me. Nothing happened. I frowned and attempted to reach towards my magic, but it was as if a wall separated my mind from the source of my power.

“This is weird, I can’t use my magic. Why?”

“I have no idea,” the cyno replied, too eagerly.

His words made me realize something. I had fallen asleep while eating the food they had provided, and they had made some remarks about how “it had worked”. Now I couldn’t reach my magic, and the cynogriffin seemed to be hiding something from me.

They had done something to me, or to the food they gave me, which made me sleep and cancelled my magic.

“Cynogriffin. What have you done to my magic?”

“Your magic? What could we do to your magic? We know nothing about magic, you must have done something to yourself.”

“No, that can’t be… OH! You are lying! Now it makes sense! I’m going to lie, too!”

When I was done lying, I felt very tired again. Only then did I realize that I had been so focused on the lies that I had eaten what the cyno had brought, forgetting that I shouldn’t in case it was the cause of my lack of magic.

“Oh come on…” I complained as I fell into a forced slumber.

A loud clanging noise woke me up. Confused, I opened my eyes, only to close them in pain due to how strong the light was. After a few seconds, I could open my eyes just a little bit without being blinded. Everything was blurry, and I could barely make the shape of the cage I was trapped inside of. Clumsily, I managed to bring my water limb to my face and wash myself with it. The feeling of cold water against my skin and my sensitive feline whiskers took away most of the grogginess. I noticed that my water was a bit murky, but I paid it no mind. I took a deep breath and turned to face the source of the clanging noise. This time the leader of the cynogriffins was hitting the bars of the cage with a pan, and stopped when I looked at him.

“What did you put in the food?” I asked, rather annoyed. My wounds itched more than ever, and I had a very unpleasant headache.

“Oh, nothing important. Just a bit of bellanoche to make sure you will behave.”

“Oh, that explains it! … Wait, what is bellanoche?”

For some reason the cynogriffin groaned and shook his head. “It’s a flower that makes anyone who eats it fall asleep and be unable to use magic.”

“Alright. I no longer feel like humoring you. It was fun, being trapped here and all of that, but now I want out.”

“I think you don’t understand what’s happening. You aren’t getting out of there in a long time, draconequus. Now, eat this.”

This time the wolf just threw a withered purple flower, which I supposed was bellanoche.

“I don’t think so, I would rather recover my powers as soon as possible instead of falling asleep again.”

“If you don’t eat it on your own, we’ll force you to eat it.”

I laughed at that. The idea of such a pathetic mortal forcing me to do something was so ridiculous I couldn’t contain the laughter. The cynogriffin growled and the other four approached the cage. One of them opened it and two came inside as I got up on my two legs. I tried to punch one of them, but he dodged my attack and held my chitinous limb with its teeth, almost crushing the exoskeleton. I tried to break free, but the grip was too strong and I had to deal with the other cynogriffin. This one lunged towards my legs, making me lose balance and fall facing the floor. Then he dug its teeth on my human leg, making me gasp in pain. I tried to use my tentacle tail against that one, but a third cynogriffin came into the cage and grabbed it with his teeth, which sank deeper if I struggled.

“If you try anything else, they will crush the bones on your leg and your arm,” the leader warned as I was about to use my water arm, which couldn’t be bitten.

Finally, I realized how dire my situation was. I was trapped inside a cage, powerless and unable to defeat my captors. The rage I felt for being defeated was replaced by fear. Desperately, I tried to use magic as hard as I could, but the effects of the bellanoche were too powerful for me.

“Now eat the flower,” the leader ordered, and I had no choice but to obey.

“You have made a terrible mistake,” I said before I fell asleep for the third time.

No loud clanging noise woke me up this time. There was no blinding light, as the Moon had replaced the Sun on the sky, but my feline eyes allowed me to see everything as if it was midday. I didn’t feel confused or dizzy anymore, so I quickly scanned the area. The cynogriffins were all sleeping around a bonfire, so I wouldn’t be annoyed by them. The cage was too sturdy that even my mechanical leg would take a long time to break enough bars for me to slip through. The only way I could escape was with magic. The logical thing to do was to try to wait until the effects of eating bellanoche wore off, but waiting isn’t my forte. I attempted to reach my magic over and over again, like a blind fly trying to find an opening on a wall by hitting it with its head. Maybe alicorns could be completely neutralized by a silly flower, but me? Guffaw? A draconequus? An immortal spirit of chaos? No way, I refused to accept that.

Trying to overcome the effects of bellanoche soon became similar to headbutting a wall as hard as you could, and just as painful. After a couple of minutes, a sudden noise just below my head startled me. I looked down and found a single drop of blood, which was soon joined by another that fell from my nose. From what I have gathered from other universes, that meant that I was pushing my mind’s limits, and continuing to do so could get me killed.

I didn’t keep count of the time, but eventually I found an opening on the metaphorical wall. As soon as I did, I tried to force my way through it by force. I only managed to channel a pathetic amount of magic, but my power acted like a corrosive substance on the opening, making it grow bigger and bigger as I channeled. Soon, I was able to use a remarkable amount of magic without hurting myself. With a touch of my index finger, the cage turned into soap bubbles and I walked out of it. With a snap of my fingers, the wolves fell into such a deep slumber that not even a rock concert would wake them up without my permission.

They deserved a punishment for being so rude, something that would ensure they would never dare to annoy me. I decided to start with the underlings and finish with the leader, who was the biggest jerk. I created magical chains to chain the first one to a tree and woke him up.

“What is this?! How did you escape?! WAKE UP! THE DRACONEQUUS IS FREE!”

“They can’t hear you, silly doggy. My magic won’t let them wake up until I want them to. Now, how should I punish you? Oh, I know! You were the one who bit my leg! Now I will bite you back.”

I didn’t have the chance to bite him as much as I could. Apparently, having limbs removed makes a cynogriffin lose lots and lots of blood and die rather quickly. I decided to make sure the next one would take longer to die, since simply dying after a bit of pain was not a proper warning.

By the time I was done with the fourth one, I was tired of blood, pain and death. Due to this, a new idea sparked in my mind: the four dead cynogriffins were very similar to fluffy toys. Delighted, I began to play house with them. It was so amusing, having two of them be a same-gender couple who had raised the other two into productive members of society. Having them go through the daily moments of a family kept me entertained until the sunrise. The only drawback of my choice of toys is that the severe injuries they had sustained broke the suspension of disbelief.

Oh, and the leader woke up because I forgot about him so my spell stopped working.

“Son, I didn’t raise you to waste your life in the ghetto with a street gang,” I said, faking a gruff male voice as dad number one scolded his older son after catching him wearing the neighborhood gang’s colors. “You are an intelligent cynogriffin, you must-”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” the leader yelled, rudely interrupting me.

I turned and found that he seemed to be very upset. I guessed he was dismayed because I had escaped the cage and he was likely to be punished like the others.

“Abomination,” he called me, his face contorted by rage. Or stomach cramps. I have always had trouble reading canine faces. “I’ll take you down, even if it’s the last thing I do.”

With that said, he flew away as fast as he could. He soon broke the sound barrier, creating a magic rainbow-colored sonic boom as he circled back towards me. A few seconds later he broke yet another barrier of speed, causing some sort of ball of electrical energy to appear between his front limbs. I knew enough about the laws of physics that apply to most dimensions to realize that being hit by that would kill my body, so I accumulated as much of my magic as I could in front of me. Five billion, two thousand and twenty two nanoseconds before he collided with me, my magic turned into a solid cube of stone, each side around thirty decimetres long, and each face painted with a different motif. The impact was so powerful that the stone cube exploded, a large portion of it hitting my chest and stealing my breath.

I ignored the pain and approached the center of the explosion, wondering if the cynogriffin was dead or the magic of speed had somehow protected him. The bloody remains that I found hinted that the cyno was pretty dead. For a moment, I considered resuming playing house, but my toys had begun to smell, so I flew away.

About five minutes later I decided that my wounds were annoying me too much, and that it was about time they stopped itching and hurting. I took away the bandages and yelped when I found that, not only hadn’t they healed yet, but they looked even worse than before. They were covered in dried blood and a strange yellowish substance that stank. The skin around them was red and swollen, and it was painful to touch it.

“Eeeeew, this is so gross.”

Luckily, I found a river in which I dove to get rid of all the nasty stuff. I didn’t want to use my own water arm to clean myself, as it would become even murkier. Now that the dried blood and stuff was gone, I could see that the wounds themselves had turned greenish. I assumed that was normal, so I made new bandages appear and covered the wounds again, wondering how long it would take for me to fully heal. Around that time the effects of eating bellanoche disappeared, only for Discord’s voice to replace them.

I can’t believe those cynogriffins fooled you like that.

Shut up. I don’t want to hear it. My head hurts from breaking through the magic barrier, my wounds are worse than ever and the last thing I want is to listen to you.

Oh come on, don’t be such a party pooper. You have to recognise that those mortals tricked you.

I tuned his voice out and left the river, resolved to continue traveling until I found something amusing.

“S-s-s-s-so c-c-c-cold,” I said to myself yet again, my teeth chattering on their own as I hugged myself.

I had flown without stopping until the night fell. As soon as the Sun disappeared, the temperature had dropped sharply, surprising me. I had already spent at least a thousand seconds looking for a suitable place to pass the night. The fact that I could no longer feel my wings made me change my mind. Instead of finding a place, I made a chainsaw appear and cut down a tree, which turned into logs with a popping sound. Said logs arranged themselves into a campfire which lit itself, its warmth feeling better than anything in the world.

I felt a bit sick at the stomach, probably from eating so much bellanoche, so I curled up into a ball next to the fire and immediately fell asleep.

You ask for a hamburger, I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the sun. I give you a hamburger. You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you fall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound. I give you a hamburger.

I woke up, feeling unsettled by the dream I had had. It was so chaotic and random that I should have greatly enjoyed it, but for some reason it made me feel worried. I continued travelling north, hoping I would find a city or another champion to fight as soon as possible. Unfortunately, all I found were trees, trees, more trees and a few creatures. The main highlight of the day was when I hunted a bunny. The moment it darted in front of me I killed it with twin laser beams coming from my eyes, and only after that did I realize that it wasn’t like normal bunnies at all. The creature I had hunted had small antlers and wings, and was slightly bigger than average. The taste was rather good, too. Remembering how cold last night was, I landed with the sunset, made a big bonfire and created a sleeping-bag out of thin air, resolved not to feel cold this time.

You ask me for a hamburger. My attempt to reciprocate is cut brutally short as my body experiences a sudden lack of electrons. Across a variety of hidden dimensions you are dismayed. John Lennon hands me an apple, but it slips through my fingers. I am reborn as an ocelot. You disapprove. A crack echoes through the universe in defiance of conventional physics as cosmological background noise shifts from randomness to a perfect A Flat. Children everywhere stop what they are doing and hum along in perfect pitch with the background radiation. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the earth. You hesitate momentarily before allowing yourself to assume the locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as you peruse the information contained within the universe. A small library in Phoenix ceases to exist. You stumble under the weight of everythingness, Your mouth opens up to cry out, and collapses around your body before blinking you out of the spatial plane. You exist only within the fourth dimension. The fountainhead of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides with a small dog. My head tastes sideways as spacetime is reestablished, you blink back into the corporeal world disoriented, only for me to hand you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of reconstitution. The universe has reasserted itself. A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of its natural life. You die in a freak accident moments later, and you soul works at the returns desk for the Phoenix library. You disapprove. Your disapproval sends ripples through the inter-dimensional void between life and death. A small child begins to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands.

I woke up covered in sweat and breathing heavily. “What the heck was that?”

That whole day I felt weak and tired. Sometimes I felt like I was going to freeze and sometimes I couldn’t stop sweating and panting. I travelled all day, too sick to even feel hungry, so when I went to sleep that night my stomach was grumbling and I felt even worse.

I give you a hamburger. The universe is engulfed within itself. A bus advertising hotdogs drives by a papillon. It disapproves. An unnatural force reverses Earth's gravity. You ask for a hamburger. I reciprocate with a mildly convulsing potato. You disapprove. Your disapproval releases a cosmic shift in the void between birth and life. You ask for a hamburger. A certain small dog feasts on hamburger patties for the rest of its unnatural, eternal endurance. Your constant disapproval sends silence through everything. A contrived beast becomes omnipotent. You ask for a hamburger. I give you a hamburger your body becomes an unsettled blob of nothingness, then divides by three. The papillon barks. The universe realigns itself. You, the papillon, and the hamburger disapprove. This condemnation stops the realignment. Hades freezes over. A pig is launched is launched into the unoccupied existence between space and time with a specific hamburger. You ask for a hamburger. I give you a hamburger. It screams as you lift it to your face. You laugh maniacally as I plead with you. You devour the hamburger as it pleads for mercy. I disapprove and condemn you to an eternity in a certain void where a certain pig and its specific hamburger are located. The Universal Space-time Continuum Committee disapproves of my irrational decision. You are locked away and are fed hamburgers for the rest of your natural existence. A pickle refuses to break down during the process of digestion. You die in a freak accident. A certain pickle lives the rest of its life in a comatose state. Your soul disapproves. Down the street a child cries as a hamburger gets stuck in, and climbs back up, her esophagus. You ask again for a hamburger. I refuse to reciprocate. You demand a lawyer. I remind you harshly that this is the new world order. Lawyers no longer exist. Only papillons. Your name is written on a list of sins. Bla̶̡͡s͢p͘͟h͠é͟m͠͝y͘. You ask for a hamburger. The comatose pickle vanquishes your soul from this universe. Realignment occurs. You beg for a hamburger. A certain papillon's name is written on an obelisk in Egypt. Mumble. Peasants worship the obelisk. Your soulless corpse partakes in the festivity. Hamburgers are banned universally. The sun implodes. All planets cease to have ever existed. Mercury. Venus. Earth. Mars. Jupiter. Saturn. Uranus. Neptune. Pluto is the only mass in existence. Conveniently, you are on vacation here. Your need for hamburgers re-establishes space-time. Earth is recreated under your intergalactic rule. Hamburgers are your army. You wake up. Clowns. Clowns everywhere. Your dream rushes to meet you. You are kidnapped. You ask for a hamburger. They hand you a deer with bellanoche poison.

I woke up screaming. The dream had been as chaotic as the Nexus itself. Somehow, I knew that having such dreams meant something was wrong with my body. I ripped my bandages off and found that my wounds looked even worse, some of the skin having turned black and with the veins around them looking darker than they should, too. The water of my left arm was a filthy brown, the kind of color sewage water has. I couldn’t think straight. There were… Things I could see that weren’t there. Am I awake, or is this just a dream? Did I leave the Nexus? Why can’t I stop looking into this dimension? I only feel pain… Where am I?

I don’t know how many days I spent like that, growing weaker and weaker as I became unable to tell where I was, who I was and what was real and not just a product of my feverish imagination. I kept going on and on, a part of me certain that refusing to surrender would make things right somehow, would make the pain stop.

HahahahahHAHAHAHHahahahaHAhahahHA I’m going to die. Diediediediedie pain end of bodily functions soul leaving corpse. Defeated by dumb animals. Death by silly wounds. I give myself an hamburger made with my brains as I force myself upon reality, raping it violently. I need to find help.

Guffaw! You have to listen to me! You are going to DIE!

There’s a voice in my head that won’t stop calling me. My name is G̡͢u̶̢f͏͞҉͞f̨̢̡̛͟a҉͝ẃand I like to guffaw. Hahahaha M̶ak̴͠e͏i̷̸t͝s̸̕҉tò̡͜p̀m̕a̕̕k̛eįts͠t̨͡ơ̡͠p̴̨͢n̴o͡Ì̡͘w̶a͞n͞t͏̧mó̶r͟e̴͟҉Iw̵a͟͞nt̡̀͞m̢̀͝o͞r͏̷̸ę̸m͘o̧rę̶͘m͜o̧͡r͞e͠mo̡r̷e̶͜m̴̕o̧̕͟ŗ̀͘ȩ͘͞m̵̵o̕r̛e͏̷ I want to listen to it until never no I don’t why do I have legs why is the ground below and the sky above. Matter isn’t solid it’s minuscule dots separated by millions of times their own size why can my feet stand on ground makesnosense it’s a couple of dots separated by miles being supported by more dots that are also millions of centimeters apart. It makes me sick the way it works forcing order and laws upon me but I don’t want to die I don’t want to lose I want to win and return to the Nexus victorious and make everything kneel before chaos and show Discord how I’m as strong as he is and… Why is the floor coming closer is it alive?

Eventually, I fell, too weakened to get up again. The last thing I saw was a tree moving towards me and surrounding me with its branches as I passed out.

05: The Servant of the Wild

Author's Note

This is a crossover with Servant of the Wild, written by Agaris. Go read his story and annoy him until he updates!

05: The Servant of the Wild

Chapter 5: The Servant of the Wild

Why are we speaking German? A mime cries softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see me with pickles for eyes, I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe.

I woke up, and for the first time in a long time I could think clearly. I still felt terribly weak, but it was definitely an improvement.

“Where the heck am I?” I thought aloud, as I realized that I wasn’t in the same place I was when I lost consciousness for the last time.

I snapped my fingers to make a mirror appear so I could check myself, but nothing happened. Frowning, I kept snapping my fingers, but my magic refused to come out. It was similar to the effect of eating bellanoche, but not the same. After a few tries I noticed that one of the trees was moving towards me. I immediately noticed that it wasn’t a tree, but some sort of large wooden creature, with a heavy torso similar to a tree’s trunk, vines covering most of its body and twisting into limbs, and a head with two asymmetrical, intelligent, green eyes.

“Graaah! What are you?!” I asked as I snapped my fingers, trying to push the monster away from me. “Why can’t I use my magic?! What have you done to me?!”

I was convinced that the creature before me was behind my lack of magic, so I got up and tried to claw his eyes out of his face before he could end me. However, the moment I got on my legs they buckled under my weight. I was about to land face-first when the creature’s vines stretched towards me, catching me before I fell.

“Hey, whoa there,” the creature said telepathically with a rather common male voice, very different from the deep growling I expected such a being to make. “I didn’t do anything to you, but if you keep going like this, I won’t have to.”

The wooden creature made me lay on the ground, its vines still coiled around me. “You need to rest, I don’t want all of my work to be for nothing.”

I struggled against his vines, but I soon found myself exhausted and just as trapped as before. “Fine, fine. You win,” I admitted. “I won’t do anything to you, you can release me now.”

“OK, I’m going to let you go now, but you have to promise that you won’t fight. I don’t want you to get hurt again. I didn’t spent all this time fixing you up just for you to get yourself killed.”

Only then did I notice that my wounds looked much better than before. Apparently the golem knew about medicine and had bothered to heal me for some reason. I immediately wondered why would he do such a foolish thing. “Why have you done this for me? You don’t know who I am, I could be your enemy.”

“Well, there isn’t a reason for us to be enemies, so why would you be one? I mean, I wasn’t about to just let you die when there was something I could do. And if you were an enemy - well, you saw how that would have turned out.”

“I… I don’t understand. You… Helped me without expecting to earn anything in return?” I asked, completely confused. It was impossible that he had spent his time and effort in something as boring as treating my wounds without hoping to gain anything in return. Leaning against a nearby tree, I managed to rise to a sitting stance, so I wouldn’t be completely defenceless if the golem proved to be dangerously insane.

“Of course. I mean, It’s just common courtesy to not stand by and watch while someone bleeds out in front of you. ‘Course, it wasn’t easy. You were in a bad way when I found you.”

“Yeah… I thought my wounds would heal by themselves with enough time. Then this nasty yellow stuff started oozing out of them and thing started getting weird. I really should have learned more about biology before jumping to this land…” I thought that maybe healing was something fun for the golem, something that creatures of order and harmony enjoyed for some strange reason. Since he seemed friendly enough, I decided to get to know him better. “Oh! What’s your name? I am Guffaw!”

For some reason, the golem looked surprised by my words. I wondered if he was a bit slow in the head. “Well, first off, call me Anders. And second, you probably would have healed if you’d known… well, ANY first aid. You were pretty banged up, but nothing that needed anything close to medical knowledge. But what do you mean by, ‘before jumping to this land’? And while I’m at it, what… are you?”

“I am a spirit of chaos, although my species is apparently called ‘draconequus’ here,” I told Anders before asking him my own questions. “And you? I have been told that the only sapient species in Atlantis are the cynogriffins, but you aren’t one of them.”

“Cynogriffins? Well, I don’t think I’m one of them. I mean, I’m pretty certain that I am not, in fact, a wolf with wings. Although, that would’ve been pretty cool. Uh, sorry, I have a bit of a tendency to ramble. Um…” The golem looked at himself for a few seconds before continuing. “I am a tree person… and I just realized how stupid that sounds. Well, I’ll come up with something later. Right now though, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, ask away.”

“How on Earth… Well, I suppose we aren’t on Earth, so, how on Equis are you alive? When I found you, you’d lost way too much blood to realistically be moving, And your fever was so bad I almost got burnt. I’ve worked with a lot of different kinds of creatures, and a lot of times, they’ll just give up. Hell, even most peo- I mean, most sapient creatures would have just accepted that they were gonna die with those kinds of injuries.”

“Earth…” I suddenly realized that he was a human. Which meant he was another champion. Which meant we were supposed to kill each other. Which meant he might kill me if he knew that. “Right, your question. Did I really get so close to dying?” Anders only nodded as an answer. “Hm… It’s true that I felt really weak, and the last few days I have been having hallucinations so I’m not really sure what happened, but I just don’t understand what’s the point of giving up. I could keep going, so that’s what I did. If I had given up and decided that my time had come, that’s exactly what would have happened. I decided to continue, and luckily for me, I managed to do so until you found me.”

I mean, what kind of question was that? What was I supposed to do, give up? Stay still and wait until I died? That makes no sense. If a lot of creatures give up to injuries and diseases and he says, then it’s no wonder that chaos is so much better than order.

“Now, you have mentioned Earth,” I continued, deciding to learn as much from my new friend as I could. “In all the multiverse, there’s only one species that name their homeland Earth: humans. You are not in Kansas anymore, huh?”

“Wait, hold the Hell on! How in the Hell do you even know that? How do you know about humans? Do all y’all here know? That fuckin’ bastard Pan… He said I had to keep it a secret! Oh, I swear, when I see him next, I’m gonna whip him inta next week!” He became so angry that he coiled his vines into a fist and punched a tree. If Pan is the one who chose him as a champion, it seems that Discord isn’t the only annoying player around.

What was that?

Not now, I’m busy meeting an enemy who could kill me whenever he wished.

You know, if he managed to heal your wounds, maybe he could teach you to do the same. Didn’t you think about learning to heal without magic?

Could you please stop reading my mind when I’m not thinking towards you? For fuck's sake!

“As I said, I am a draconequus,” I continued, deciding to give Discord’s idea a chance. “My kind is on the same level as gods. We live in the space without space, in the time without time that links all the dimensions. I have watched several dozens of alternate universes in which your species has thrived. You have saved my life, and for that I’m very grateful. However, I must ask you to help me once again: I want to learn first aid so I can deal with any other wound I might suffer. In exchange, I’ll share my knowledge with you. I have the knowledge of ten thousand human lifetimes, so I think it’s a fair deal.”

“Wait, hold on… you wanna learn first aid from ME!?” he asked, suddenly showing embarrassment. “Well, shoot. I don’t rightly know a whole lot, but I’d be happy ta help ya out. Don’t wanna be that close to dyin’ again, I’d imagine. And I’m sure that I can learn from you too. So what the Hell, I’ll do it. Gotta keep an eye on you while you’re still healin’, after all.”

For the next seven days, Anders took care of me while teaching me how to deal with the great amount of different maladies my body could suffer. Who would have thought that non-magical healing was so complicated? Closing recent wounds with stitches made them heal faster and without leaving a big scar, but old wounds needed a different treatment! Also, before doing anything you had to disinfect the whole thing! And that was just one of the many different things you have to do to a wound so it will heal! Anders told me that his Earth’s medics had to study for five or more years so they could heal other humans. Five years out of the few years a human has to enjoy life before growing old and dying.

He also taught me a few extra things, such as why it’s important to have a varied diet, why staring at people for minutes makes them feel nervous, and a few annoying rules that I had to follow if I wanted him to help me and stop complaining about what I did and said. I hated suppressing myself, but his knowledge was worth it. He was the first mortal I met who was friendly towards me, and I surprised myself enjoying his company. It was a strange feeling, like he was giving me something I didn’t know I craved for. Once, I asked him about it, since humans know a great deal about feelings and sensations, and he suggested that living all alone in the Nexus might have made me feel lonely. For a moment, I thought he was joking, but I realized he was right when the simple thought of being alone in the Nexus again, with no one to talk to, made me feel anxious.

In exchange for his medical assistance and his pleasant company, I shared with him my vast knowledge in many other fields. First, I told him everything I knew about the world we were in, and Atlantis in particular. I didn’t know a lot, but I certainly knew more than he did. After that, when I was strong enough to use magic again, I revealed that I was also a champion in the game. Fortunately, he didn’t decide to attack me when he realized that we were meant to kill each other, and I didn’t want to fight him unless my life was in danger. He was also interested in the Nexus and the knowledge I had gained from other dimensions, particularly his. After a few minutes asking him about his Earth’s history, I managed to pinpoint which dimension he was from. It was a funny coincidence that his Earth’s movies were the ones I watched when I felt like it, since I preferred them over the thousands of alternate versions.

There is a human idiom: “all good thing must come to an end”. It is true.

After a week, my wounds had healed and Anders had taught me almost everything he knew about healing injuries. Discord had been becoming more and more insistent, demanding me to leave before I turned into a dumb order-loving bitch by spending too much time around Anders. He had a point, as it had gotten progressively harder to behave the way Anders expected me to “so we can coexist in harmony”.

“Anders, there’s no reason for me to stay here anymore,” I explained. “I’m healed, you have taught me what I need to know and it’s been hours since you asked me a question I could answer. I’m not saying that you are boring, it’s just that I will have more fun being on my own.”

“Fair enough, I suppose. I have to say, this past week has certainly been more… interesting, than before I met you. I never would have thought that a donut and some sticks could be used that way - to be honest, I’m still having trouble believing it…” yeah, I’m very proud of my donuts trick. Sorry, I’m rambling again. What I mean to say is, it was a pleasure gettin’ to know you, Miss Guffaw.”

“I have also had fun being with you. I never imagined mortals like you could be so complex. It’s amazing how much you can develop in so little time.”

Then I remembered something I had made for him. “Oh! I have a surprise for you!” I made a dowsing stick appear and gave it to him.

“Well, that’s… certainly a nice stick,” he said, unable to see what made my gift to especial, so I explained it to him.

“It’s not just a stick. I have used my magic on it. It will vibrate whenever a reasonably big living being nearby is in dire danger. If you hold it with both hands it’ll point towards the source of the fear and desperation. I thought that, since you worry about the wellbeing of others, this could help you help them faster.”

Listening to his touched telepathical voice made me feel all fuzzy inside. “I’m honored that that’s the impression you got of me. Thank you for this, I’m sure I’ll make good use of it.”

Just fuck him already or leave.

Can’t you see we’re having a moment here? Go fuck yourself with barbed wire.

“Well, if I linger anymore I won’t ever leave. Until we meet again, Anders. Thanks again for saving my life.”

“I’ve said it about a dozen times, Guffaw, it’s what any decent person would have done. Best of luck on your adventures, wherever they may take you. And one more thing - try not to get in a hurt like that again. That’s one of the limitations of an actual body - if you get hurt, there ain’t no goin’ back.” Suddenly, he reached towards me and held me in a tight hug. “Stay safe you crazy mutant.“

Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh he’s hugging me wtf wtf wtf. Physical contact wasn’t something I was used to. Since I arrived at Equis most of it had been being attacked or being healed by Anders. Thus, I had no idea how to react when he displayed his affection with a hug. Eventually, I managed to return the hug. Woah, he is so warm… How come a thorn golem is so warm?

“I-I’ll be careful. Bye,” I managed to say as we broke the hug. I immediately flew away, noticing a strange warmth in my cheeks.

Discord, being the asshole he is, laughed at me for the rest of the day.

06: Atlantis City

Chapter 6: Atlantis City

So… What now?

After separating from Anders, I had travelled east for the rest of the day and found a convenient cave minutes before the sunset. The next morning I decided that I had no idea what to do.

Well, it’s been around ten days since you became my champion. The limit I placed on you should have already weakened a bit. You probably can change your appearance now, but not heal or teleport. I think you shouldn’t hunt other champions yet, though.

Yeah having to dodge everything to avoid injuries is not fun. So, what now?

You probably are as tired of the endless forests and plains as I am of watching you travel through them, so you have not one, not two, not three, but two options. The first one is going south to the desert, which is like a plain but with sand and no water.

I know what a desert is.

The second option is the city of Atlantis, which is also called Atlantis because it’s the only city in the floating islands.

Alright, where’s the city?

Follow the yellow brick road, Dorothy. Or any road. All the roads in this island lead to the city.

Ugh, why did I have to travel to such a primitive place? I like cyberpunk so much more than high fantasy…

I have always had a soft spot for castles, dungeons and magic-using natives. Technologically advanced worlds are so boring, everything is already done and said in those.

Whatever. Should I keep travelling towards the sunrise or what?

Yeah, keep moving in that direction until you find a road, then follow it towards the north. You should reach it in a day of high speed flight.

“One day” my ass. It took me twenty EIGHT hours to reach the city! In order to fly without being attacked by bearsickles, I turned myself invisible while I flew just below the second speed barrier. After MORE than a full day flying like that, I was so tired that I barely felt excited when I sighted the city in the distance. The sunrise would be in less than an hour, but I climbed to a large tree and managed to sleep through most of the day until a squirrel woke me up by throwing a nut at me. After having squirrel for a 5pm breakfast, I began walking to the city, as flying had become quite boring.

So… Will the doggies in the city be as mean as the ones I met before?

After what I did a few years ago during a visit, I don’t think they will dare to offend you in any way.

Oh, do tell!

Well, I was giving them the time of their life. Making delicious banquets appear out of thin air, playing music the likes of which had never been heard in this planet, and pretty much turning the whole city into a funhouse. It was so gloriously chaotic. Then a party pooper alicorn began to undo my magic while babbling about how my magic was evil and perverse. What I did to him wasn’t pretty. Since then, everyone in the city knows that I don’t like party poopers, so they don’t dare to do anything that could ruin my mood when I’m around. They won’t risk upsetting you, since you might be a relative of mine, or me playing female.

Good. I wouldn’t like having to raze a city just because the locals are assholes.

I shouldn’t have to remind you that alicorns could give you a run for your money, and there will be several of them in there. Getting killed is no fun, so don’t do anything too stupid.

Yeah, yeah, I’ll be careful.

Walking towards the city was fun. With flight being so fast and easy, I had barely walked since I made myself a body. Running was even better, but when I tried to do some acrobatics without my magic to help I only managed to land face-first, to Discord’s delight. Soon I reached a gate in the wall that surrounded the city.

Why would they build a wall? They can just, like, fly over it.

That wall has powerful alicorn spells embedded in it that the cynogriffin guards can activate if they are under attack. Those walls are meant to resist the power of an army of dragons and alicorns. There are few things in this world with more raw power than the Wall of Atlantis. Even my power is no match for them.

Woah, cool. Wait, if they can use their walls against you, why are they scared of making you angry?

Because we all know better than using our biggest weapons against each other for no good reason. I don’t lay waste to their city nor kill their citizens, and they don’t activate the Wall.

A group of cynogriffins guarding the gate stopped me from entering. “Halt, creature. Who are you and what brings you here?”

“Why, don’t you recognize me?” I asked, perfectly mimicking Discord’s voice. “I am Discord, and I have come to bring a bit of excitement to all of you.”

“Since when does Discord look… Feminine?” one of the guards asked.

“I felt like changing my looks for a while, do you like it?” I replied, blinking seductively. For some reason, the cynogriffin shuddered.

“We apologise for not recognising you, Discord,” the oldest of them said. “We weren’t expecting you to come today, since we aren’t holding any festivity. Please, come in. You are always welcome to Atlantis.”

Well, that was easy. Now what?

You have the whole city for yourself, go wild.

Hm… Okay!

To begin with, I changed my color scheme to have way more pink in it. I love pink. Then I began to fly towards the center of the town while leaving a trail of flowers and cupcakes behind me, and releasing fireworks, clowns that would perform for a couple of minutes before exploding in bursts of confetti. When I arrived at the town’s market place, several cynogriffins were following me, some of them eating cupcakes while others simply waited for me to do something else. I made music sound all over the place as tables filled to the brim with alcoholic beverages and roasted meat popped around.

“LET’S GET IT STARTED!”

Even though most of the citizens were cynogriffins, I could also see a few alicorns and what could only be dragons who had yet to reach adult size. Everyone was dancing, drinking and having fun. As soon as the sun set, I was able to set up some disco lights. I also started drinking heavily, rejoicing in the wonders of alcohol poisoning. I eventually found myself dancing with a white coated and red-maned female alicorn who was trying to talk to me over the party noise, and failing to do so. I got such a chaos rush that, later on, it would be difficult to remember all I did, but one of the things I could recall was turning part of the ground into a trampoline. I also remember a few cynos complaining because I was so drunk and I was sustaining so many spells at the same time that I was losing control of them, so a few of the fireworks and clowns had gained an evil sentience and were harming those who were too drunk or tired to escape. When I got that sorted out, it was late into the night, and most party-goers were going back to their houses… Or to other people’s houses… A few cynogriffins that were either too drunk or too brave for their own good asked me to accompany them to their homes, but I refused to have a gross mortal’s phallus touch me in any manner or place.

By dawn, I was puking in an alleyway, having drunk way too much of the alcohol I had made with my own magic. When I was done emptying my stomach, I stopped powering all the stuff that depended on my magic, so the lights and music quickly vanished. Only then, when the lack of blinding lights allowed my pupils to dilate, recovering my feline night-vision, did I realize I wasn’t alone in the alleyway. A cynogriffin cub was trying to limp away from me, and after a few seconds I realized he had no wings.

“H-h-h-heeeeey! Wheeeere d’ya think yeeeeer goin’?” I asked as I levitated the cub towards me. “Did ya forget yoooour wings back *hic* h-h-home?”

“Leave me alone!”

“Hm….. Imma heal dat leeeeg and then ya tell meee whaaaat did ya do to yeeer wings,” I said as I snapped my fingers and his broken leg healed in an instant.

“I don’t have wings,” he muttered.

“Say whaaaaat?! That’s unf, unfa, unhg… not fair!”

“You’re telling me, the other boys make fun of me and hurt me because I can’t fly,” he explained, trying to hold back tears. “I have to live in the streets because my dad hates me and doesn’t want me home, today is the first day I have eaten in days because of all the party food.”

“W-w-well, let’s see if th*hic* if the*hic*... *Hic*... Let’s seeeee if they caaaan hurt ya now.”

With a snap of my fingers, I improved the cub. Since his natural magic was being wasted because he had no wings to channel it into flight, I made it go to his claws so they would allow him to dig super fast and be able to cleave through steel as if he had magic laser fingers. That also made his forelegs become much stronger, so I decided to make them also a bit larger and give him opposable thumbs. Bitches love opposable thumbs. I love opposable thumbs.

“What the heck?!” he asked, surprised. “I thought you were going to give me wings!”

“Don’t look aaaaa gift hoers in the… uh… mouth. *Hic* Huh…. Dragons caaaan eat gems, rite?” I snapped my fingers once again. “You can do iiiiit now, tooooo.”

With the cynogriffin’s problems solved, I flew away while smiling. I think he said something, but I was too drunk to understand what he said. A couple of minutes later I found a comfy-looking alley and decided to sleep on it.

“Best night eveeeeer!”

I woke up to something poking me. At first I tried to ignore it, as I felt a terrible headache that, according to my experience as a party watcher, was caused by being too smashed and yoloing too hard.

“Wake up, Guffaw.”

I wasn’t expecting a female voice to call me by my name, since I had told everyone I was Discord. After shaking my head to clear up my thoughts, I opened my eyes and hissed in pain. There was so much light! When I finally could see, I found a white alicorn with a red mane and an inkwell and a feather tattooed on her butt. Later on I would remember Discord telling me that those were called Destiny Emblems by alicorns, and as the name suggest they tell you what you are supposed to do. Boring.

“How the fuck do you know my name?” I asked.

Hey Chuckles. Listen here for a moment.

“Wait, don’t answer that, I’m getting a call.”

What is it?

That alicorn is Lauren Faust, a player like me. She will do anything to ensure that Tirek doesn’t win, even helping other people’s champions.

Oh, right! You told me about her, I think. Is this the one who likes big butts and cannot lie?

… Oh girl. Now I won’t be able to sleep until I discover if she prefers big butts or small butts. I must investigate, over and out.

“Oh, so YOU are Faust! It is a pleasure to meet you, Laren!” I told her as I got up and threw away the dozen of empty bottles that had somehow ended up covering my chest.

“It’s Lauren, actually.”

“Alright, Lowrenn. Let’s see what you are planning,” I loved mispronouncing her name so much.

“Would you mind following me to a more secluded place? There are matters I wish to discuss that shouldn’t be heard by anyone passing by.”

I simply nodded and followed her. It was then when I noticed that Faust wasn’t alone. She was accompanied by a teenager male dragon with platinum-colored scales, a pink female alicorn smaller than her, a cynogriffin that I immediately wanted to snuggle, and a blonde human woman that looked familiar for some reason. After walking for a few minutes, we reached a small house that Faust opened with a key she summoned in a burst of magic.

“Whose house is this, Lorena?” I asked. “Does your secret cynogriffin lover live here?”

“It’s mine, actually. I have a small residence on every major city.”

“Mind if I crash here whenever I need to stay in the city, Laurenne? Sleeping in dark alleyways is unbecoming of a lady such as me.”

“You are going to do it regardless of what I say.”

“Oh my gosh Larenzina you know me so well,” I liked her already.

“Must you be so disrespectful to our host? She is allowing us entrance to her home;” the human piped in. I turned to face her and tilted my head as I stared in confusion. Who was this woman who I was certain I had seen before, and who dared to talk to ME like that?

“Laurin, I am curious about the mortals that you have gathered. When are you going to introduce us?”

“You have a point, young one.” YOUNG one? I was pretty sure I was at least ten times her age! “First, my own friend. This is Megan Williams, a traveller and leader from the vast reaches of space. Her companion is Bahamut, a dragon from the ground continent. Callistephus, a cyno from the lands nearby; quite the reader I hear. And Firefly, one of my own kind.”

“Hola! I’m Guffaw, a draconequus from the Nexus. You might also know my kind as gods of cha-” and just then did I realize why the human looked familiar. “Hold on, did you say Megan Williams? As in, the Megan Williams who captains the ship holding the last remnants of humanity?”

“Yes… how do you know of me? Were you on a planet we attempted to colonize?”

“Oh my gosh I can’t believe this is the same dimension. You are a celebrity among my kind. You are literally one of the entries for “heroism” in our dictionary, girl!” I wasn’t making it up. There is no such thing as parenting or raising among my kind. We sort of pop into existence as self-sufficient individuals. There is, however, a small amount of learning newborn draconequi go through when an older one feels like checking on us. Mainly, they point us towards dimensions and timelines we should watch. It could be said it was the draconequus equivalent of stories for children.

Among them there’s Megan’s story, which is regarded as the standard “heroic protagonist” story by many of us. She had managed to save a few thousand humans from a civil war that would have condemned her race to extinction if it wasn’t for her. Of course, she had no idea of all of this until now.

“That is high praise indeed. Thank you. I did not know I was so well known among another race.”

“I propose we continue this conversation inside, rather than at my doorstep,” Faust suggested.

As we walked in and sat around a table, I gave Megan a good look. She looked almost like she did when I watched her from the Nexus, the only difference the five or so extra years that had taken away any reminder of her childhood from her face.

“Whoa, this is awes- I mean, this is splendorous!” the pink alicorn spoke, apparently giving the others an opening to join the talking.

“Indeed. It’s not often one can find such a classy house in Atlantis,” the cynogriffin said. I would have snuggled him right there if the table wasn’t between both of us.

“Wow. Much cozy. Very pintoresque. Lots of likes,” I said, since the doggy’s face somehow drove me into speaking like that.

“Befitting of one of your stature, Lady Faust,” added the dragon.

“It has been long since I have seen such a home,” finished Megan, now that we all were complimenting Faust’s house.

A small smile sneaked into Faust’s lips as she talked. ”I am very grateful for your compliments. Now, there is a reason why I have gathered you here.”

“No shit,” did anyone think she had brought us to her house so we could have a massive orgy or what? I was going to say just that when I felt her magic act on me. Before I could do anything to stop her, she summoned a zip that sealed my mouth shut.

“As you know, a contest is going on. Originally, I had hoped Megan would be able, with a little help, defeat my enemy’s chosen, Scorpan. Unfortunately, despite his defeat at her hands only days ago, he has survived and become ten times stronger. The king tells me villages have been leveled within the blink of an eye. As his power grows, I fear for more and more for the planet. And so, I have taken measures that I believe will save us.”

Her horn glowed for a few seconds as she teleported a compass in front of each of us. As soon as I touched it I felt a powerful spell cast into it, but I had no idea what it was.

“These magical compasses will lead you to a set of keys,” she explained. “With those, you will be able to unlock a power with no equal in this world. However, the keys will not work unless you exemplify the virtues they represent. I have chosen you five because I believe each one of you embodies one of the values. Once you acquire the keys, the compasses will point towards the location of the receptacle of said power. With it, you will be able to defeat Scorpan and save Atlantis.”

I finally managed to overpower Faust’s spell and unzip my mouth so I could talk. “This is a great idea and all, but... Aren’t the five of us meant to kill each other until only one of us remains? If this Scorpan guy is so powerful I agree not to attack any of you until we get rid of him, but then what? We turn on each other the moment he croaks?”

“There is a way around that,” she replied. “While fighting someone, they do not have to die by your hand. They can surrender to you, for the same effect.”

“Surrender,” I repeated. I thought Discord was being sarcastic when he told me about it. Like, who would willingly give up just like that? “As in, letting other win. No, thanks. I think I’ll just defeat Scorpan myself and then you all can surrender to me.”

“My benefactor just explained her concern about his power,” Megan intervened. “You believe yourself strong enough to win on your own?”

“My powers were temporarily weakened so I could join this game. As soon as this limitation disappears, I am sure I will be able to defeat this ‘Scorpan’.” I didn’t care how powerful they said he was, he was a mortal and I would always come out on top if I had access to all my power.

“And they say I am full of myself,” the pink alicorn, Firefly, muttered.

“I know your kind, Guffaw, and I have seen what Discord is capable of. Still, I doubt your could best him. By the time you gain full access to your power, he will have become too powerful for you.” The way she put it, I began to doubt if I really could beat him. Discord was several times stronger than me, what if this mortal somehow managed to also best me in raw power? It would make beating him much harder.

“Ugh, fine! I’ll find this key thingy! But I’m not going to surrender to anyone unless there’s no other choice.”

“Fair enough. Does anyone else have an issue with this arrangement?”

They probably talked a bit more, but I stopped paying attention to them as I played with the compass while I tried to understand its magic.

“Well then,” Faust said as she got up from her chair, making me return to the conversation. “Remember what is at stake, for the very fate of this world depends on the five of you. I wish all of you the best of lucks.”

“Alright, so, mine is pointing to the north-east. Is anyone else travelling there, too?” I asked, but apparently everyone else had to travel in a different direction. “Then we won’t probably meet until we have gathered all the keys or I turn Scorpan into hamburgers. Goodbye kisses for everyone!”

To begin with, I kissed Bahamut right in the kisser, but I didn’t dare to use tongue when I realized how sharp and long his teeth were. While he was scratching his head in confusion, I turned towards Megan and fulfilled my dream of giving her the best French kiss in the history of kisses. For some reason, she began to wipe her tongue with her sleeve, but who am I to judge other people’s fetishes? Next came Firefly, who tried to fly away but couldn’t escape my levitation pull. As soon as my tongue invaded her mouth she bit me, making me yelp in surprise.

“You taste like booze,” she complained as she grimaced.

After her, I turned towards Faust. However, the stare she gave me hinted that a deep, sensual French kiss wasn’t what she wanted, so I licked her face instead. Lastly, it was the doggy’s turn.

“This is how I kiss doggies!” I told him just before putting his closed muzzle inside my mouth and blowing air into his lips, making a motorboating sound come from them. Unlike the others, who seemed to be either confused or annoyed for some reason, Callistephus became paralyzed. After poking him a few times and eliciting no response from him, I waved goodbye to everyone and flew away.

Kissing is a lot of fun! The nerve endings on my tongue went crazy and now half of my body has decided to join them!

Oh great, now that you have realized that physical contact with mortals doesn’t gross you out you won’t stop fucking everything that moves.

You say it as if that was a bad thing.

Trust me, Chuckles. Watching you have sex is pretty low on my list of things I want to do.

What about joining in the fun?

Sure, why not?

And that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship with benefits.

No, not really.

Author's Note

Megan and Bahamut are from To Save a Home.

This is boring, meh fuck it.

Ugh I'm so sick of telling my own story, it's just soooo boring.

So, TL;DR:

After leaving Atlantis City I was attacked by two alicorns, who were the parents of the alicorn foal I ate on my first day. I managed to kill them both by sheer luck. After that I found my key in a small cynogriffin village. I lived with them a few weeks, trying to get my key to shine or do anything that would signal that it was working, until Scorpan's demons attacked the village. I tried to save them but they overwhelmed me, so the only thing I could do was escaping with the cubs while the adults gave us time.

Around that time my powers had fully returned, so I sneaked into Scorpan's camp and attacked him. We fought for hours until he managed to defeat me. I was about to die when a massive bird joined the fight and helped me. The bird and I managed to escape, but we ended up near dead. I used my magic to heal the bird's injuries and discovered that he was also a champion in the game. Since he also had a key, we returned to Atlantis City once we recovered and found the other four with their keys, too. Or maybe Megan didn't have hers yet, I don't remember. The thing is, we reached the cave that held the box that sealed the weapon that could defeat Scorpan when he showed up. The five of us fought him while Megan found and opened the box. Once it was open, a surge of pure harmonic magic called the Rainbow of Light turned Scorpan into a human, who surrendered to Megan.

We all did the same and she and Faust won the game. Then Tirek himself showed up in the cave and, when we used the box's power against him, he matched it with an insanely powerful darkness magic. The clash of powers was so massive that the entire Atlantis continent's magic that kept it floating collapsed, so the whole island sank into the ocean below.

I don't remember much after that, because being the catalyst for the Rainbow of Light was harmful to me. By the time Tirek was finally defeated, I was almost dead and even a little kid could have killed me.

After that I returned to the Nexus and that's pretty much it.

Author's Note

Since pretty much all the prequel stories have been cancelled or not updated, I'm cancelling this one and the project as a whole. I apologize to the people who enjoyed this story, but I just lost the will to write it.

However, this might not be the last we see of Guffaw. I still have another chessgame story, after all...