Trixie's Excellent Adventure
By Wanderer D & Gravekeeper
“Bon Booon!” Lyra complained, setting down the knife on the kitchen counter, next to the diced onion and sliced garlic. “How much longer do I have to do this?”
“Until the sauce is done, Lyra,” Bon Bon growled for the fifteenth time that afternoon. “You’ve only been doing it for six minutes and you’re using magic so I don’t understand what the problem is!”
“But it smeeeellssss!” Lyra whined as she rolled petulantly in the living room sofa located a few good paces away from the kitchen. With a very audible sigh, Lyra threw a hoof over her eyes and telekinetically grabbed the knife again.
Bon Bon huffed and looked down, frowning at the single tomato she had left. “Lyra, be a dear and gallop to the market to get... three more tomatoes, would you? I’ve already got the water boiling and I don’t want to turn it off.”
Lyra sighed once again and rolled her eyes. “Fine, it’s better than chopping onions,” she muttered, grabbing her saddlebags and making her way to the door. “Do we need anything else?”
Bon Bon considered the question and shook her head. “No, I have everything else we need to make the sauce. We just need to boil the tomatoes and chop the other ingredients before adding them... so hurry and get them. We don’t want the spaghetti to be sauce-less.”
“Right-o,” Lyra said, saluting. She turned around and opened the door.
Bon Bon heard a gasp and a wet gurgle, but didn’t turn around. “Just go get the ingredients, Lyra, you don’t need to do anything else! And stop making gagging noises!”
The gagging stopped.
Satisfied that Lyra had left, she looked at the spaghetti container. “So... how long should we boil you?”
It was then that the giant spaghetti tentacle wrapped around her neck, and with a sickening crunch snapped back out of the house, dragging her body with it onto the enormous cauldron of boiling water which had somehow grown where the Golden Oaks Library used to stand. She didn’t have time to understand what was happening to all the other ponies being dragged into a giant kitchen-like setting where the Spaghetti Golem of Boyardeea multiplied and prepared its ghastly sauce.
o.0.o
Mayor Mare looked around the chaos, trying to figure out what to do. Ponies were being picked out of their homes, or intercepted as they ran towards safety only to be made into ingredients for whatever that pasta creature was doing.
When she heard the bang and saw the flash of purple light, she turned to glare at Twilight Sparkle, who had materialized next to her, along with Pinkie Pie, who was clutching a recipe book bound in the skin of a thousand creatures.
"Twilight Sparkle, what did you do now?!"
"Mayor, why do you always assume it's me when something catastrophic happens?"
"Well, did you?"
"Er, this time, yes, but you're still exhibiting a confirmation bias towards--!"
"TWILIGHT, LESS SCIENCE AND MORE SAVING THE WORLD!" Mayor Mare hollered before the tip of a strand of spaghetti suddenly seemed to appear from her chest. She looked down dumbly at it. “Oh...”
Twilight winced and shied away when the blood splattered all around them and the Mayor was dragged away. “Pinkie! Does Sombra’s Cookbook have any further instructions on controlling this thing?!”
Pinkie shook her head. “Nope! It says here that once it starts cooking itself, it won’t stop until it’s made enough sauce to feed an army!”
“This is not what I had in mind when I asked you to help me cook enough food for the First Battalion’s one hundredth anniversary!”
“Heeeey! How was I supposed to know that it would do that?”
They both stopped when they noticed that the spaghetti tentacles had stopped their crazed collection of ingredients and had withdrawn into the cauldron, one of them dropping Trixie’s stage wagon on top of the fountain.
“Hey, what do you think it’s doing now?” Pinkie asked, eyes shining with curiosity.
“Girls!” Applejack called, galloping up towards them. “What the hay is that thing?!”
“The Great Golem of Boyardeea!” Twilight explained hastily. “It’s finally stopped, so it must have made enough sauce to feed an army!”
“An army of what exactly?” Rarity asked, dragging herself from the waste bin where she had hidden. She made a face and pushed a banana skin from her flank.
“I guess we’re about to find out!” Rainbow Dash said, landing next to the group and having heard Rarity’s question.
“Um... has... has anyone seen mister fluffy?” Fluttershy asked, shuffling closer to her friends.
It was then that the sky darkened and the ground split. With a huge eruption, a veritable wall of red liquid exploded onto the heavens from the cauldron as it shook and cracked. From it, several small things fell out, splashing onto the floor before unrolling onto centaur-like creatures made of spaghetti.
“Oh!” Twilight gasped. “It all makes sense now! It wouldn’t stop until it made enough sauce to feed an army... an army of spaghetti monsters... in blood sauce!”
She turned when she felt a hoof on her shoulder. “Twilight. Eww. Just... Eww,” Rainbow Dash deadpanned.
The group turned their heads at the same time as an unmistakable voice rang out clear from all the screaming and crying. “Twilight Sparkle,” called The Great and Powerful Trixie as she made her way around the bodies laying in the street. “Trixie has gotten the saddle and the lubricant you requested for tonight, but if you think Trixie is going to bottom, then you--” Trixie stopped and blinked at the group of ponies staring back at her with aghast expressions across their faces. “What is everypony looking at?”
Twilight rubbed her temple as she grimaced. “Trixie, now is not the time...”
“Excellent choice in saddle, though.” Rarity helpfully added.
“I dunno if you’ve noticed, sugarcube, but we’re kinda in the middle of somethin’ here,” Applejack said, pointing behind Trixie, who followed said hoof with her gaze.
“Trixie thought everypony looked... deader than usual. What have you done, Twilight Sparkle?”
“Will you all please stop assuming it’s always me?!”
The Great and Powerful Trixie turned her gaze between the currently-being-decimated town and Twilight. “Well, did you...?”
“YES!”
“Well then,” Applejack nodded. “Now that all doubt has been removed for who’s to blame, mind tellin’ us how to stop that thing?”
“We need to strike at the core of it... we need to fight our way through that army of spaghetti golems, hacking a road of pasta until we reach the original Golem of Boyardeea... and then we must strike it down before it reaches its next evolution and gathers ingredients for cheese.”
“Trixie... does not like the sound of that.”
“Um... neither do I,” Fluttershy added. “But, I really must ask if anypony saw Mr. Fluffy because...”
“Alright, we know what we need to do, right?!” Rainbow Dash shouted, rallying the others. “Let’s destroy these abominations and bring peace back to Equestria!”
“RIGHT!” the group, including Trixie, shouted in unison.
o.0.o
Trixie opened her eyes and blinked, looking around at the dull gray-blue room full of ponies and… other creatures… that were sitting next to her. The white light from the strange magical artifacts that illuminated the long room flickered and buzzed in places, giving her a slight headache and a sense of… boredom.
“Wait… wasn’t Trixie just…” images flashed through her confused mind—claws. Lots of red sauce. Screams.—Trixie shuddered and glanced around at the creatures around her. They… were unusual. All sorts, really. Tall, lanky, hairless creatures. Some of the same, but with long pointy ears. Green skinned. Gray skinned with big bulgy eyes… Trixie shuddered again and tried to focus on something else.
In the far distance, she saw a red, glowing sign that had a number on it. By the time she finished reading it, it blinked and turned into a two thousand twenty four hundred and seventeen with a ping-like sound.
“That’s the way it is, honey,” a very old pony next to her coughed. “I’ve been waiting here for several thousand years. I’ve died many times of old age, awaiting my turn.”
Trixie blinked. “What do you mean ‘died’?”
“You’re dead, honey, that’s why you’re here.”
“That is preposterous! Trixie can’t be dead!”
“That’s how it works, honey, or you wouldn’t be here. You just have to wait for your turn.”
“And when, pray tell, is Trixie’s turn?”
“Says in your ticket.”
She looked down at her hooves, where she was holding what seemed to be the ticket. “1T2B1M7HK5K1,” she read aloud. Frowning, Trixie snorted. “Trixie has no idea what this even means, but Trixie refuses to wait past now.”
That said, she jumped to her hooves and started walking down the lane, ignoring grumbles of the different creatures waiting their own turn until she got to the very front of the lane and pushed a very old… thing… out of the way.
Behind a thick glass counter was a blonde-maned—presumably female—version of the lanky creatures without fur or pointy ears. Sky-blue eyes rose from some paperwork, blinking in confusion, before narrowing in annoyance. “I don’t think it’s your turn yet.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie waits for nopony!”
The blonde creature looked even more annoyed. “Look, I have no sympathy for you ponies, and even less for pretentious ones. Get back in line, and await your turn!”
Trixie frowned and looked down at the sign that was in front of the creature. It read:
Your Social Worker for the Foreseeable Future: Megan Williams
On the walls, now that she noticed, Trixie saw that there was a yearly picture of the ‘Employee of the Year’, all of which were the disgruntled girl in front of her.
Shrugging, Trixie looked at the Social Worker askance. “Trixe does not know why you have no sympathy for ponykind, nor does she care. There seems to be some mistake and Trixie has been presumed dead.”
Megan snorted. “Listen, Tricks, I don’t care if you realize what happened or not, but I’ll do you a favor and spell it out: You’re dead. Finito. Ended. Perished. Expired. No longer breathing. You kicked the bucket. You’re pushing up daisies. Extinct. Gone. Stiff. Liquidated. You’ve cashed in. Yo—”
“Okay! Trixie gets it!” Trixie interrupted, slamming her hooves on the shelf. “That still doesn’t explain why Trixie has to wait! The Great and Powerful Trixie waits for nopony!”
“Well, Tricks,” Megan drawled in her annoying accent. “You have to wait like everyone else, because here, we don’t play favorites. This is not heaven, you know, and if your lazy-ass princess, what’s her name… Stellar?”
“Celestia.”
“That’s the one. Well, IF she had been taking care of your Heaven, this…” she motioned with her hands at the room. “Wouldn’t be the mess it is today. Not even her sister… Moon Crater…”
“Luna.”
“Sure. She didn’t do her job either, and now I have to find heavens willing to admit you ponies, because the whole of your Green Pastures is nothing more than a feeding ground for the Smooze.”
“Stop making excuses for your incompetence! The Great and Powerful Trixie demands to either be sent back to Equestria, or at least to get out of this depressing hole!”
Megan gave Trixie a dirty look. “Well, ‘Great and Powerful’, let’s see if you even qualify for a heavenly visit. She snatched Trixie’s number from her magical grasp and fed it into a strange machine.
Trixie watched with interest as the machine made several beeping and booping noises for a few minutes, studiously ignoring Megan’s growing smile... a smile which faded when a ping! announced the appearance of a different ticket.
Grumbling, she snatched the ticket and slammed it in front of Trixie. “Well, what do you know, you actually qualify for one—”
She was interrupted by another ping!
Blinking twice, Megan picked up the next ticket. “Okay, t—”
Ping!
“No way an arrogant mare like you can have thr—”
Ping!
Gritting her teeth, Megan ripped the next ticket from the machine, watching it for a moment before nodding to herself and turning back to Trixie. “Okay, well, now this is a first, but here you go, you can visit four—”
Ping!
With an incoherent roar, Megan turned, took the next ticket and kicked the machine several times, denting it until it sparked and sizzled. Then she kicked it more until it finally fell apart.
Breathing hard, she forced herself to take one long breath and released it slowly before turning back to Trixie.
“Five. You have access to five heavens for you to choose one...”
There was a moment of silence as both, human and pony turned to look at the sparking mess of circuitry on the floor when it sizzled and sputtered little bit more. When nothing happened, they looked at each other again.
“...one to go to spend your afterlife,” Megan finished. She pushed the first ticket towards Trixie, also taking a good look at it. It was white with an inlaid gold border and swirly hoof—or hand—writing. “This one is a ticket to...” she grumbled. “Human heaven. Apparently you impressed the big guy enough by doing something... selfless? Really? You? Anyway, you impressed him enough to give you a chance to take a look around and hang out with the hunks—I mean, angels. Lucky you.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie does not know what a hunky ang—”
“Carrying on!” Megan interrupted, putting the next ticket on top of it. She stared at it. This was also white... but seemed to have the texture of marble. Embedded on the upper left and lower right corners were, what appeared to be olive branches. The writing on it was not as twirly as the one on the Human heaven, and was rather angled and mathematically exact. “Well, it seems you have been invited to Elysium... for your heroic death.” She gave Trixie a considering look.
“Of course!” Trixie smirked. “Trixie’s death could be nothing but heroic! Why, tales of my heroic sacrifice for my fellow—”
“Yeah, yeah,” Megan waved her hand. “Let’s see the next one.” The next ticket was embossed with gold, depicting a dragon on the right side and a circular shield on the other. “F-for your d-death in gl-glorious battle...” Megan stammered. “You are invited to spend your afterlife in Valhalla.”
“Glorious indeed!” Trixie spoke up, taking a deep breath to explain why, exactly, it was as glorious as the gods had clearly noticed.
“Aaaaaaand the next!” Megan interrupted, raising up a ticket the color of golden sand. Stylized cats adorned both sides of the ticket and before Trixie’s and Megan’s eyes what had been some sort of symbols waved as if under an illusion and became words. “The Goddess Bast would personally like to extend and invitation for you to visit her heaven in thanks for the selfless and valiant rescue of one of her subjects.”
Megan shook her head, and before Trixie could even comment, placed the last ticket, which was printed on paper that looked conspicuously like cardboard, had a depiction of a steaming plate of spaghetti on one side, a mug of what was presumably beer on the other and big letters in red. “For the honor of defeating one of the very few enemies of our pantheon, Trixie Lulamoon is invited to Pastafarian Heaven. Unlimited beer from the Beer Volcano, all the pasta you can eat and entrance to the stripper factory all included.”
The pair looked at the last ticket in silence.
“You know,” Megan finally confessed, “I’m trying really, really hard to understand how you did all five of these things at the same time to merit five heavens. And yet, as curious as I am, I think I’d rather remain in the dark.”
Trixie grumbled, but didn’t argue. “Now what?”
Megan shrugged. “Pick one, and I’ll send you there. Then you, or them, can decide if you stay.”
Trixie nodded and smirked. “Simple enough! The Great and Powerful Trixie chooses…”
