Ali-Corn Flakes

by AwkwardTaco

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3594

A street cleaner inadvertently becomes an Alicorn.

After stumbling upon an ancient relic despised by the princesses themselves, Clean Sweep goes from a run-of-the-mill street cleaner to a new lifestyle entirely.

Whether this is for better or for worse, he has yet to determine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~SQUIGLY SQUIGLY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Published 2013-12-11 05:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-04 05:05:32 UTC

Chapter One

As the moon coasted through the night sky of Canterlot, Clean Sweep let out a deep sigh of relief as his shift approached its end and the streets were nearly cleaned. As he finished sweeping up the last of the confetti from the huge parade earlier, he pondered what the parade had been like.

He didn’t get out nearly often enough, he recognized that. Not like anypony really expected him to. His work hours had made him quite the nocturne and his daytime was usually spent with the blinds drawn and his face down in a pillow.

He appreciated his work to some small degree. He had realized some time ago that if he didn’t take care of the everyday litter and such, nopony would voluntarily take up the job. He did not however, appreciate the pay. Not one bit.

His coworkers had never really met him, seeing as that they were so spread around the city. He had few friends otherwise. While he didn’t find it an amazing life, he figured it better than complete poverty. He’d seen a number of ponies in the alleyways of Canterlot, few of them looked like they’d eaten a decent meal in past months.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by a sound a short ways down the road. His ears pitched towards the sound and he soon recognized it as the sound of wheels. Upon turning towards it, he found a rather worn-looking cart being pulled in a bit of a rush.

“Watch it, you bozos! I’m working here!” he yelled as the cart sped by him, wheels kicking up loose pebbles and debris. “What has them in such a hurry?”

He watched the cart go and shook his head, turning back to the streets to make sure he didn’t have anything more to clean. Luckily for him, the only thing to fall out was a small box; something he could worry about carrying to wherever the cart was off to after a good day’s sleep.

He dropped the broom onto the pavement and picked up the box with care. He placed the box into his bag, grabbed the broom, and slowly set off to his house, making sure to bounce as little as possible. He was pretty sure that anything fragile would have already broken, but he wasn’t taking any chances.

His house wasn’t far from where he had ended for the night, thankfully. As he entered, he placed the broom on a rack that organized all of his other various cleaning tools. It took Sweep a little while to find a place to set the box down, seeing as that there were few furnishings around the house that could.

He grabbed a small screwdriver from his kitchen drawer and plopped down into a chair. The tool, thankfully, was small enough to enter through the miniscule keyhole and tinker about. It was after several minutes of coaxing and turning that the lock finally clicked open.

He opened the lid to the box with the sort of anxiety one would have if they had found a treasure chest. He stopped and shut the lid as he tried to imagine what the contents might be worth. It could be some sort of jewelry box, in which case his gambling would be well sustained.

He peered into the box once more, closing his eyes at first to increase the drama of the moment.

His eyes widened, as did his smile. Inside was a simple, ivory pendant with a cut sapphire in the middle. A pair of wings were situated at the sides of the circular ivory, almost giving off the appearance that it could indeed fly by itself.

Sweep was going to be rich. There was no sense in denying it. Who wouldn’t pay top bit for a piece of jewelry like this? In his mind, it was the most beautiful piece of fashion to ever grace his vision.

Despite having no education in dancing whatsoever, he began to do a victory shimmie next to his kitchen table. His next week at the slots was going to be more fruitful than ever with this new luck.

“I love you!” Sweep said as he kissed the pendant repeatedly all over its sapphire. He did not notice that the gem had begun to glow faintly with an inner light. “You are a life saver! No, a life changer! I’m going to get back to those slots and cards and turn my life around!”

After several minutes of exorbitant kissing and cheering, Sweep had finally worn himself out and sobered up from his excitement. He checked the clock in the living room and saw that it was quickly approaching four in the morning.

“Time to hit the hay,” he said with a yawn. He gazed at the ivory pendant one more time, admiring its superb craftsmanship and gleam. Without necessarily thinking, he took the pendant by its supporting wire necklace and put it around his neck. “I think I might wear you to sleep, you're so beautiful.”

Sadly, this was never to be. The pendant shined with the brilliance of burning magnesium, causing Sweep to avert his gaze. The room became a lightshow of white and blue, dancing around the walls in a sort of spectral waltz.

The pendant latched itself into the middle of Sweep’s midsection, bringing a chill to his skin not unlike that of a blizzard. With a yelp, he fell on his sides and began rolling around as if he were on fire. His chest met the floor with force in the middle of his rolling and he could hear a minute crack come from the pendant.

The frigid fire did not cease, but the brilliant lights began to flicker in and out of existence. He felt unimaginably tired from what he was going through, oddly enough. The pain from the pendant coaxed him further and further into sleep.

“Ow. Ow ow ow,” Sweep repeated as he felt every cubic centimeter of his body simultaneously cramp. “Muscles, why do you betray me? Is it because I don’t work out? I thought you’d be happy with that arrangement.”

Sweep could already tell that standing up wasn’t going to be on his to-do list for a little while. He lay spread out on the floor, waiting for the occasional spasming to die down. After a minute or two, he sat up, rubbed his eyes, and scanned the room. Light passed through the drawn blinds with blinding brilliance, signifying midday.

“I hate waking up early,” he said, standing himself up. “I didn’t even sleep well. Stupid freaky magic amulet- wait, the amulet!”

He looked all over his chest where he had last worn it, yet there was no such jewelry there. He searched on and below the table, finding nothing still. He checked the floor behind him and found a small pile of white and blue dust with a necklace wire buried within.

“No no no,” Sweep said in disbelief. “Oh sweet- oh no! You were my ticket out of here! I can’t sell this…” He hung his head in defeat, denied of his fantasies of grandeur and inexplicable wealth. He hung his head low enough for his forhead to embrace the floor.

Oddly enough, something stopped him on the trip down; a protrusion previously unnoticed hit the floor first. He felt a slight jolt of discomfort, as if someone had just splashed a tooth cavity with ice water.

He drew up from his position to rub his head. His hoof me the protrusion and scaled up until he met its rounded peak. A horn.

“What in the world?” He scrambled to find a mirror and ended up in the bathroom. He scanned his head and confirmed his suspicions. A unicorn horn was placed neatly in the middle of his forehead. “What in the world?”

He examined the newest addition from all angles, turning his head to ensure that this wasn’t some sort of illusion. During his impromptu inspection, he spotted something in his peripheral vision. He rotated himself ninety degrees to get a better look from the mirror.

“Wings?!” As he yelled, his right wing flared out to full size in response to his surprise. He looked over to his left and cried out again, causing that one to extend to full size as well. He tried to bring them back to their folded position, but had no idea how to move them.

He began reaching back to manually bring them under control, but he couldn’t quite reach them. As he turned about the enclosed space, he knocked over most of his toiletries onto the floor. The wings, oddly enough, resettled on their own after several minutes of Sweep’s failed attempts.

“I’m just going to get the newspaper,” he sighed. He was officially overstimulated to the point of dispassion. “Then sleep this off like a bad hangover. Maybe this’ll be gone by then.”

Wishing for noone to see him, he opened the front door, grabbed the lone newspaper on the step, and shut it in a second. He sighed as he slumped down and propped himself up against the door, unfolding the newspaper to see the front page.

“‘Burglary in Canterlot!’” he read aloud. “‘Late last night, the Canterlot Museum of Antique Artifacts was broken into by a group of three ponies. The group was apprehended by officials an hour later...’ yadda yadda yadda ‘...numerous priceless artifacts were stolen...’ blah blah blah ‘one of which was the Alicorn Amulet itself.’”

Sweep paused and reread the passage.

“‘...the Alicorn Amulet grants the wearer the power equal to or less than any alicorn in existence. Use of the amulet has been strictly forbidden due to an incident in Ponyville that took place several months ago. The curators’ only description of the amulet as having ‘a fiery gem placed in the middle of a material the color of Death itself with wings on both ends’. Though the artifacts were taken from the thieves, some of the artifacts are missing. The Alicorn Amulet has yet to be accounted for.”

Sweep’s eyes widened as he finished the paragraph. There was no other possible explanation; he had found the Alicorn Amulet.

“And broke it.” He finished his thought aloud. “Oh no. I'm going to get locked up for sure.”

“Maybe not.” his inner voice said.

“I’m pretty sure everypony is going to notice a new alicorn walking around and connect the dots from there.”

“It never says that the amulet makes the wearer into an alicorn. Besides, you’re not wearing it.”

“I guess so. But what if somepony notices, regardless?”

“Maybe they’ll think that you’re part of the royal family?”

“They’ll know that I’m- well…” Sweep pondered the thought. “Nopony really knows me, now that I think about it.”

“They’ll treat you like they would the royal family. No one will be the wiser, except the princesses.”

“Yeah, I’m right! I could milk this for a while. Then find a way to fix this, of course.” Sweep nodded with newfound confidence. “Thanks for that. Didn’t know that I talked to myself, though.”

“You don’t.”

“Thanks for the clarification,” he said. “Now that I know I’m going crazy, I’m going to try and get some beauty sleep in.”

“You don’t need it with that complexion.”

"Oh stop it, you.”

Chapter Two

Breakfast was, indeed, the most important meal of the day to Sweep. However, his breakfast was usually scheduled during other people’s dinner. Having it in the daytime was quite the switch up. He would have to come up with crazy new meals to satisfy this insanity, like linner or brunch.

After a quick rummaging through his sole food cupboard, he discovered his incredible ineptitude to even think of a good breakfast food. The “breakfast” he was accustomed to varied little to his other meals.

“Pancakes sound like a breakfast food, right?” Sweep asked himself. “I mean, people are always talking about them like they’re the real deal.”

“You don’t even know what a pancake looks like, and you’re wanting to make some?”

“I’m feeling adventurous.”

“Let’s stick with cereal, sweetheart.”

“Sure, ‘sweetheart’,” Sweep mumbled, pulling out a few boxes of assorted grain cereals. “Aren’t I over this talking-to-myself phase? Why are you still here?”

“Because I like watching you sleep,” he replied.

“Okay, that’s creepy. I know I’m adorable, but that’s my business.” Sweep sighed. “Now what cereal is superior to the other? Honey Bunches or Corn Flakes?”

“Well, someone looks like they should be eating their Wheaties.” He mentally coughed. “Looking a bit scrawny there, hm?”

“Hey, I’m fine with my shape.”

“That makes one of us.”

Sweep contemplated this before emptying the contents of the Wheaties container into a bowl. “Buzz off, I’m hungry.”

As breakfast went on and the chewing of cereal became more tedious, he grabbed the newspaper he had placed yes beside him on the table. Most of the pages were dull and meant little to him, but a few advertisements caught his eye.

“‘Pawn Shoppe buying antiques at all-time high prices’. Oh, come on. That amulet just had to break on me.” Sweep rolled his eyes.

“It also gave you a ticket to the Castle, in case you forgot in those few minutes from when I mentioned it last.”

“Can’t I complain in peace without you bothering me? I’m quite the spoil-sport, huh?” he groaned. His other voice didn’t reply. “Thank you.”

The process of bringing the spoon into the cereal, out of the cereal, and into his mouth continued on without much deviation. With every bland bite, he began to realize why he never ate cereal.

“This is so boring,” he groaned with a mouth full of Wheaties. “How do ponies just eat this stuff and not go bonkers?”

He glanced at the box of Wheaties which sported a picture of a unicorn holding a bowl and a spoon in the air with his magic. Sweep glared moodily at this happy unicorn with envy until an idea came into being.

Magic would spice the meal up, he thought. With his new alicorn horn, he probably had some sort of extreme magic ability like the princesses. With practice, he mused, he could bend space and time to his will.

Foregoing any sort of thought into the intricacies of calling upon magic, he began to concentrate on the simple task of moving the spoon out of the cereal bowl. Nothing happened, so he tried this time while holding his breath. Again, nothing happened.

The process of trial and error went on long after the cereal had become soggy and indistinguishable from the milk. Sweep would not be deterred, however, and persisted with his process.

“Come on, damn you,” he muttered. Instantly, the bowl caught fire and began spewing out what seemed to be tiny fireworks. Understandably startled by the sudden occurrence, Sweep held his hooves over his head as he ducked under the table.

He waited a few minutes after the explosions had stopped before peering above the table. The bowl was all but destroyed, milk splattered everywhere across the room. A tiny rainbow sparkled over a pile of bowl pieces.

“Best breakfast ever,” he said happily. “I amaze even myself at times.”

“Maybe it’s about time you head over to the castle and get rich? Just a thought.”

“Now it’s time to head to the castle and get rich,” he said, ignoring his inner voice. Seeing as there were no dishes to clean, Sweep left his home with a skip in his step.

Ponies going about their everyday business stopped and stared at the humming alicorn as he left his home and trotted casually down the street. Sweep paid no mind to the ponies as they tried to decide between bowing before him or going about their meaningless activities.

“I feel like flying. It’s always good to practice, right?” he asked himself.

“You just turned your breakfast into a firecracker. Might just be paranoid, but maybe we should lay off the new powers.”

“Buzz. Kill.” Sweep enunciated. “That’s what you are. When there’s a party going on, everypony ducks for cover because you’re such a buzzkill.”

During his three hour trek through the city, Sweep learned a lot about himself. For one thing, he was probably mentally unstable and would need to get that voice in his head looked at. Second, he wasn’t quite cut out for walking long distances with nothing to do but think about how there was nothing to do.

No one had stopped him, for reasons beyond him. In fact, it seemed almost as if they were slightly bowing their heads and waiting for him to go on past. It struck Sweep as strange.

With the castle gates within sight, he sighed with relief that his journey had come to an end. Two ponies in golden armor approached him, spears drawn.

“Halt, citizen!” one of them ordered, pointing his weapon far too close into Sweep’s personal bubble. “Grounds are currently closed to all visitors. Please file any appointments in the court with our Customer Service representative.”

“I, uh,” Sweep stammered.

“I demand to be let into that castle.”

“I demand to be let into that castle!” he repeated.

“Not if me and Stabby has anything to say about it,” the guard said.

The other guard sighed. “He named his spear ‘Stabby’.”

“Ah. Gotcha.” Sweep said, trying to direct Stabby away from his face with his hoof. A pegasus guard flew down from the wall and landed next to his fellows.

“I’d back off, guys,” the pegasus said. “He looks like an alicorn. You know, like the princesses and everything.”

“Darn it, Brick. You know this helmet’s too big on me. I can’t see squat with it on,” the first guard said, taking off his headpiece. “Well, I’ll be. You’re right.”

“There isn’t a male alicorn in the Royal Family,” the second guard said. “The closest thing they’ve got to that is Blueblood.”

“I am a relative of the princesses, forgotten long ago.”

“I am, uh, a relative of the princesses, forgotten a long time ago.” Sweep said, following his inner voice’s lead.

“What kind of cutie mark is a broom for a long lost prince?” the guard asked.

“Well you see, um… I am able to communicate with the dead and lay them to rest so they don’t haunt ponies in their nightmares and homes.” Sweep said. “I am Clean Slate, Cleanser of The Other Dimension.”

The three guards looked at him incredulously.

“What kind of shit lie was that?!”

Improvising! If it’s far-fetched enough, they won’t deny it, Sweep responded silently.

“Really?” The pegasus’ eyes glimmered with some sort of newfound hope. “Could you show us, your Majesty?”

“Um, yes. Of course!” he replied and feigned fervent concentration. “Has anypony here lost a friend or family member? Or know somepony who did?”

The pegasus raised his hoof slightly.

“Yes, you! In the armor,” Sweep pointed at the guard. “I was getting a strong signal. This pony passed on recently?”

“Uh, twenty-five years ago.”

“That recently!” Sweep said. “Then I’m going to have to be extra sensitive with this one.”

The three guards looked on with awe as Sweep slowly paced from left to right as he communicated with the imaginary spirits.

“I’m getting an ‘M’. Is there an ‘M’?” he asked.

“His name was Bow Zipper.”

“Mister Bow Zipper?!” Sweep pointed once again at the startled pegasus guard. “This pony died of natural causes, yes?”

“H-he was exploded in a magic incident.”

“So naturally he’d be dead.” Sweep nodded. “Hm… Bow says that he is very proud that you became a royal guard and that you should let me into the palace and give me whatever I want.”

“He said that? That’s amazing!” the easily excitable pegasus beamed. “I’ll take it from here, guys. Clean Slate, your Highness, please follow me into the castle.”

Sweep did as he was told and followed the gullible guard past the gates into the courtyard. He couldn’t quite believe that his lie had actually worked.

“How did you- why did he- does he really believe that?!”

Sweep did not share the voice’s concern, however, and therefore paid the broken question no heed. Though not one for art, he took considerable interest to the fountains in the courtyard. The flowing water reminded him of his urgent need to find a restroom.

He felt awkward wanting to ask the pegasus where the nearest lavatory was, lest it diminish his facade of regal superiority. But the flow against the floodgates proved too much for even his unconquerable will.

“Hey, I need to find a stall. Now. Now now now,” Sweep said, heaving with every step. “Where is it? Where is it?”

“Let me think…”

Sweep groaned impatiently. “I’ll just go exploring.”

Whether it was his heightened urge to go or just his horn gradually becoming more potent, he had no idea. All he did know was that in a flash of lemon light, he had teleported himself into a bathroom stall.

Too concerned with more pressing matters, Sweep ignored his newest magical ability and experienced the nirvana of bladder release.

“Are you done yet?” the voice asked after a few minutes had passed.

“Shh. This is a happy place,” Sweep said. “Crazy-free zone.”

“Whatever.”

“Did you see how I teleported? Did you even notice how cool that was?” he asked.

“Mhm.”

“I’m telling you, brother. This whole alicorn thing might not be such a bad thing, after all.”

“I’m a mare.”

“You’re a what?!”