Click.
The comment flickers onto the screen, preserved in pixels for all to see.
You lean back in your leather computer chair and smile, savoring the moment. You hate to brag, but that was one of your best comments yet. Seriously, if you could, you would frame that comment and stick it over your mantle.
Well, that’s enough for now. You exit Chrome, shut down your computer, and stretch, joints and knuckles joining in a symphony of cracks and pops. In two hours, you’ve read and favorited two new stories, posted two threads on the forums, and left over fifty comments on almost as many stories.
It’s been quite the productive day.
The comments were especially fun to write. You like to think of yourself as a sort of fan fiction BS detector. If a story has an alicorn OC or an instant romance, you shred it to pieces with your razor-sharp wit.
You like that adjective--razor-sharp. It sounds so…manly.
You push yourself off your chair, smoothing out your “Brony” T-shirt. You pick your Wonderbolts hoodie off the floor; you’ve been lying around the house a lot. Better balance out all that down time with a vigorous walk…
Just as you’re about to head towards the door, you hear a strange hum. It’s as if a hundred Gregorian monks were practicing for a recital in your room. Odd. You look over your room, trying to find the source of the strange sound.
Maybe it’s the stereo. Damn thing’s been acting up lately. Maybe it’s finally broken for good.
You check your stereo; it’s off. Ok, so your stereo isn’t the source of the sound. Can’t be your computer either, because you literally just turned it off. So where the hell is it coming from? Before you can ponder the matter any further, a featureless glowing sphere appears over your bed with a faint pop. You take off your glasses, rub the lenses vigorously with your shirt, and put them back on.
What in the hell? You walk over to the sphere and, against all better judgement, slowly move your hand towards it. As you almost touch the suspended orb, you expect to feel intense heat radiating from its surface, but you can’t feel anything. You ever so carefully brush a finger against the glowing ball; it’s surprisingly cool, with a texture like that of slick ice. It reminds you of the first time you caught a firefly; you expected it to be hot, but it wasn’t.
Suddenly, the globes expands, going from baseball-sized to basketball sized. It keeps growing larger and larger until it’s almost the size of a man. It’s glow dims for a second, then…
POP!
You jump, knocking over a shelf of collectable My Little Pony figurines. The sphere just vanished. In its place are six, colorful little creatures, sprawled out, unconscious, on your bed like stuffed toys. Slowly, the gears in your head start to turn. You realize that you recognize those creatures.
They’re the Mane Six.
……
For a second, you just stand there, eyes bulging and jaw slack. They’re here. Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight Sparkle. They’re all here, lying motionless on your bed.
That sounded so wrong.
“I’m dreaming,” you think. That’s right. This is all just a dream. You must have dozed off of the keyboard while you were reading a fanfic--you really need to start going to bed earlier. When you wake up, your face’ll look like you just slept on a waffle iron.
“Ok, time to wake up,” you say out loud. You pinch yourself. Nothing changes. There are still six candy-colored horses on your bed. You pinch yourself again. Still there. And again. And again. And again. Each pinch makes you less and less certain this is a dream.
After about 16 pinches, the point is finally driven home. The six pastel ponies on your bed are very, very real.
Every synapse in your brain fires at once as you try to process the event that transpired before your eyes. This…this shouldn’t be happening. These ponies aren’t real. Their bodies are outlines filled with color. Their voices are provided by voice actors. Hell, their very personalities were created by a team of writers and producers. Yet here they are. Laying motionless on your bed like a collection of extremely life-like plushies.
As your realization sinks in, your terror slowly turns to joy. This…this is every brony’s dream come true; the premise of countless bad fanfictions. Six of your idols, nay, your gods, have just materialized in your bedroom!
You take a closer look at the colorful ponies. They’re slowly beginning to stir. Quickly, you rush into your bathroom, comb the unruly nest that you call hair and shave off your Velcro-like beard so fast, you are slightly saddened to see a distinct lack of a rainbow-colored contrail behind you. For good measure, you squirt a little toothpaste on your scraggly toothbrush and scrub your teeth ‘til they shine.
What can you say? You want to make a good first impression.
Once you’re done making yourself semi-presentable, you run back to your bedroom. Your body feels like a balloon filled with joy. The Mane Six and you are going to have so much fun! Rainbow Dash will show off her flying prowess, pulling off tricks that would put the Blue Angels to shame. . Twilight and you will discuss your favorite books together, you and Applejack will go wrestling to see who’s the strongest. Rarity will take her time measuring and fitting you after her latest and greatest spark of inspiration… okay, that might not be fun, but it’s with ponies, so it’’ll be bearable. And to Fluttershy, dear sweet Fluttershy, you’ll confess your undying love.
You stand at the foot of your bed, gawking like an idiot at your… visitors. The six colorful ponies are slowly picking themselves up; looks like they’ve recovered from their journey to your bedroom. You hold out your hands and give them the biggest smile you’ve ever given to anyone.
“Welcome to Earth!” you say. You realize that probably wasn’t the best choice of things to say, but hey, quotable movie is quotable… even if the tone is completely different.
The ponies turn and stare at you. Your smile slowly wilts on your face. That expression on their face isn’t confusion or fear. It’s disgust.
You’re more than a little confused.
One would expect the ponies to be confused, maybe a little scared by their trip. Instead, the six ponies are looking at you as if you were a convicted criminal. Even gentle Fluttershy, the Element of Kindness, has a stern look on her face. As if she was your mother and you had your hand in a cookie jar.
Your stomach begins to twist itself into square knot. Something isn’t right here.
“Uh, is something wrong?” Twilight glares daggers at you.
“Get him!”
At Twilight’s command, the six miniature horses leap onto your body, clinging to you like overzealous octopi and knocking you to the floor.
Applejack jumps onto your chest and slams a hoof into the side of your face. “GOOD FOR NOTHING VARMINT!” she hollers.
What..?
Rarity slaps the other side of your face with the back of her fore hoof. “UNCOUTH LOUT!” she yells.
You mind reels in both confusion and pain. What the hell is…?
“MEANIE MCMEANIE SANDWICH WITH A SIDE ORDER OF MEAN!” Pinkie shouts, following her swift hoof-strike.
You manage to shake the ponies off your body and make a mad dash for the door. A raspberry glow surrounds the door and slams it shut. You turn to see Twilight standing there, her horn blazing with the same purplish aura.
“You’re not going anywhere!” She turns to you. You feel a faint tingle rising up your body as she begins to cast a spell, presumably on you.
Thinking quickly, you dash over to your stereo and flick it on. You turn the volume knob as far as it will go, and a hundred and twenty decibels of dubstep tear through the room. The homicidal horses drop to the floor, holding their hooves over their spade-shaped ears. Twilight’s horn flickers off, and the raspberry light vanishes.
As your former idols-turned-attackers writhe in pain, you bolt out the wooden door and slam it shut, propping it shut with a conveniently located chair. You leap down the stairs three at a time, looking desperately for a place to hide.
SMASH!
You wince. That stereo wasn’t cheap.
WHAM!
WHAM!
WHAM!
You hear your bedroom door begin to splinter. Without thinking, you duck into a nearby closet and close the door as quietly as you can.
CRACK!
You flinch. That would be the sound of your bedroom door giving way to the hooves of a pissed-off 4’2 apple-farming cartoon horse. You have no idea how you’re going to explain that to your parents. You hear hooves clip-clopping their way down the stairs. Quickly, you cover yourself with a few old sleeping bags. The clopping stops.
“Dagnabbit, we almost had the varmint!” a disgruntled Applejack snorts.
“Yeah, we were like ‘we’ve got you now!’ and he was like ‘Oh no you don’t!’ and then he used that box to play those really nasty sounds.”
You are barely able to withhold your snickering; that sounded almost exactly like you. A detached part of your mind remarks that ponies apparently don’t’ like dubstep- there goes your head canon.
These trains of thought aren’t going to help you, so you quickly shove them to the back of your mind. You've got bigger things to worry about.
“Uh, girls?” a timid voice cuts through your thoughts.
“Yeah Fluttershy”
“Um, do we really have to be so, um, harsh?” Your heart practically melts. If you weren’t so afraid of having you skull bucked in, you would have climbed right out of that closet and squeezed that adorable yellow mare.
“Sorry Sugarcube, but we gotta stick to the plan.”
You scratch your head. Plan? What plan?
You hear a strangle warbling sound. That has to be Twilight using her magic.
“Anythin’ Twi?” The warble stops.
“He’s still here. I can’t pinpoint his location exactly but he’s still here.
“Guess we’ll have to do this the hard way…”
“Alright, girls, he can’t have gone far. AJ, Rainbow, check the outdoors! He might have snuck outside. “ Twilight immediately takes charge. You would be impressed if not for the fact that she’s setting up a man hunt, with you as the target.
“On it!”
“You got it, sugarcube!”
“Pinkie Pie, Rarity, search the downstairs. There are plenty of places he could hide there.”
“Oki-doki-loki!”
“With pleasure!” Pinkie Pie sounds cheerful as usual, but Rarity’s voice has taken on a near sinister tone. You assure yourself that noone will know much her voice scared you. If they did, you'd never hear the end of it.
“Good. Fluttershy and I will head upstairs and stand guard, just in case he tries to sneak back up. Lets move out!” With a symphony of clopping hooves, the ponies spread throughout the house.
Now what? You’re trapped in your home with six pissed-off ponies. Every exit is being watched, every floor is being searched thoroughly. There’s no way you can outrun them, and there’s no way in hell you can beat them in a fight.
Because you’re terminally stupid, you decided to hide in a closet instead of, you don’t know, running out the front door. Now, your only safe haven is a closet which is getting stuffier and stuffier by the minute.
You’ve definitely had better days.
You huddle underneath the musty sleeping bag, your body shaking like a leaf in a hurricane.
It’s kinda funny really. Just ten minutes ago you would have killed to meet the Mane Six. Now you’re cowering in a closet, trying desperately not to be killed by the Mane Six.
God you hate irony.
Crrsh
You jump a little in your hiding spot. What was that?
“Nothing here!”
Crrsh “Nothing here.”
Creeak “Definitely nothing here.”
That sounds like Pinkie Pie, and it sounds like she’s searching your kitchen. Very thoroughly you might add.
The dishwasher opens. “Nothing here.”
The oven opens. “Nothing here.”
The fridge door opens. “Nothing here--ooh Cake!”
You hear the hyperactive horse wolf down the last slice of your birthday cake.
You hear Rarity groan, “Honestly Pinkie, must you?”
“Whath?” Pinkie mumbles through a mouthful of cake. “Ith good cake!”
“Yes, I’m certain that it’s delicious, but we’re not here to eat this ruffian’s food.” Rarity chides. “We’re here to teach him a lesson.”
You digest Rarity’s words for a minute. ‘We’re here teach him a lesson.’ That could mean one of two things: either the ponies came to Earth so they could teach you some sort of life lesson, or it’s a euphemism for them beating the ever-loving crap out of you.
Given the way they’re acting, you’re betting on the latter.
Now that you think about it, the Mane Six are acting really out of character. Sure, they aren’t above beating up bad guys, and there are times when they’ve acted like jerks, but they’d never do this. They star in a show about friendship for cripes sake!
What the hell did you do?
A thought bubbles out of your subconscious; what if they aren’t the Mane six? Maybe the Changelings have chosen our world as their new feeding grounds, and they’re disguising themselves as ponies to induce feelings of love and affection?
You shake you head. No, that’s just stupid. If these ponies really were changelings, they wouldn’t have attacked you in the first place. You don’t know how things work in Equestria, but on Earth, assault and battery generally doesn’t stir up feelings of love.
Another thought crosses your mind; maybe these ponies aren’t the Mane Six from the show. Maybe they’re from some other universe entirely. Your eyes widen. Maybe they aren’t ponies at all. Maybe they’re invading aliens who’ve taken the form of ponies.
Yeah, that‘s right. These aliens could have tapped into our telecommunications system. They‘d know about the fandom, and they‘d know that most humans would consider ponies cute. So they’d take the form of various ponies and use that very cuteness against us. An alien Fluttershy alone could bring an army to its knees without firing a shot!
It still doesn’t explain why they’re attacking you instead of, say, the president or some general. You doubt that you're that vital to Earth's security
One last clang derails your train of thought. “Well, he’s definitely not in the kitchen.” Pinkie says. You detect a hint of disappointment in her voice.
“And I couldn’t find a trace of him in that horribly tacky living room.“ Rarity huffs, “I swear, if I weren’t so angry at him I’d personally redecorate this entire house, free of charge.”
You have to agree with her there.
More hooves on the hardwood floors. “Hmm… personally, if I were that uncouth barbarian I would hide in this closet.”
Your blood freezes in your veins. You turn your body into a statue, breathing as softly and as slowly as possible. If you could, you would merge with the cloth bags, becoming one with their synthetic fibers.
You hear the warble of magic being used. The door knob rattles and shakes in its socket, then slowly, slowly turns. The door creaks open ever so slowly…
“MY WORD!”
Your stomach does an Immelman. There’s another set of hooves. “Oooh!Oooh! Is it him!”
“No, but these clothes are simply awful!” You hear Rarity pluck something off of the rack.”
Seriously, what barbarian would put sequins on a sweater?”
If you weren’t so afraid of being killed by cartoon horses, you’d agree with her. Though you’d hardly call your mother a barbarian.
You hear the closet door close. “He’s not down here, Twilight!”
Your body relaxes and your blood slowly thaws. Those have to be the sweetest words you have ever heard.
The front door squeaks open. “Nuthin’ outside,” says Applejack.
“Um, he’s not upstairs,” Fluttershy adds. You hear the sound of wings.
“UGH!” Rainbow Dash grunts, “How did he give us the slip?!”
“ I don’t know. “ Says Twilight. You hear more of that warbling. “I can still feel his presence somewhere nearby. Maybe there‘s some hiding place we missed.”
Your nose twitches. Your eyes widen. No, not here, not now.
Ahh…
“Applejack, Rainbow, check the outdoors again. Try going out a little further.”
Ahhh….
“Pinkie Pie, Rarity, check the downstairs again. Look carefully; there might be something you missed.”
AHHH… The sneeze builds in your throat, like a volcano about to erupt.
“Fluttershy and I will guard the front door. He may try to make a break for it while…”
"WA-CHOOO!"
The sneeze explodes from your mouth like a bomb.
“Bless you.” The girls say to each other in unison. There‘s a moment of silence. You hold your breath; maybe you‘re not dead.
“Wait, which one of us sneezed?” Says AppleJack.
You stomach twists itself into a square knot. You’re dead.
“Wasn’t me”
“I didn’t sneeze.”
“Nope”
“Um, I think it came from that closet,” Fluttershy points out. Her voice is as soft as ever, but it somehow scares you more than all the other ponies.
You can feel the blood drain from your face. Well, it’s been a nice life, you guess.
“C’mon girls, let’s get him!”
You can hear the Mane Six clop their way over to the closet door. To you, every hoofstep sounds like a funeral bell. Your funeral.
A desperate plan quickly develops in your mind. Quickly, you grab the zipper of the sleeping bag covering you and unzip it. You doubt it’ll work, but you have to try.
A raspberry glow surrounds the closet door and yanks it off its hinges, revealing six very angry ponies.
“There you are!” Twilight yells. Her horn begins to glow. That strange tingling feeling starts to move up your body. The whole world suddenly slows down. As if by reflex, you hurl the unzipped sleeping bag at your idols. The rolled-up bundle slowly unfolds in midair like a flower of musty fabric, covering the ponies like a collapsed tent..
“What in tarnation?!”
“I’M BLIND!”
“Gracious!”
You can’t believe that actually worked.
Before the ponies can free themselves from their nylon prison, you book it towards the front door and practically tear it off its hinges. You then shoot off down the sidewalk like a marathon runner being chased by rabid dogs.
That’s a good simile. You should write that down when this is over.
“OH NO YOU DON’T!” a yell sounds from behind you. You hear something like a jet engine being fired up. You turn around-- for a split second, you catch a glimpse of a rainbow contrail and a cyan blur.
WHAM!
Something like a flying brick wall slams you into the asphalt. You flip yourself over to see Rainbow Dash pinning you to the ground.
You grab the enraged equine by the shoulders and try to pull her off. You’re surprised by how muscular she is; she may be lean, but her muscles are like steel cables. There’s no way you can pull her off.
“AJ, NOW!”
“Ah’m comin’, Sugarcube!” Applejack rushes out, twirling her lasso in her mouth. Before you can react, the orange earth pony flings the lasso at you and loops it around your ankles. She tugs on the rope and reels you in like a pink, hairless fish.
Twilight trots out, her face painted with a nasty scowl. Your body glows with a raspberry aura, and you’re plucked off the asphalt like a bug off of a wall. For some reason, you picture yourself floating in a blob of raspberry jam.
You’re weird like that.
Twilight jerks her head, and you’re yanked towards her like a fish on a line, stopping only a few inches away from her muzzle. You can feel her hot breath on your face. Surprisingly, she doesn’t really smell like lavender. Her scent is more of an animal musk. Not at all unpleasant, but definitely not what you expected.
The pastel horse glares at you. Her pupils are like tiny drills, boring deep into your soul.
“We need to talk.”
Talk? If she wanted to talk why where they?
A final hoof to the face interrupts your thoughts, and the world goes black.
“Ohhh…”
You slowly come to, your head ringing like a bell.
“Someone get the number of that train that hit me?” You mumble. Your body feels like it was hit by a car, shot in the groin, and beaten by a mob of angry nuns. All at once.
You haven’t felt this bad since you saw Equestria Girls
Your vision slowly clears. The six colorful blobs in front of your slowly morph into six, very pissed off ponies.
“Huh, who are you and what are you…?
*Slap*
Twilight slaps you across the face with a magically-summoned hand.
Oh yeah, they’re here to beat the crap out of me.
The cobwebs in your head slowly clear. You try to stand up, but something is holding you down tightly. You look down to see a thick, cartoony rope wrapped around you. You can’t move at all!
You strain against the ropes. You try wiggling your wrists Maybe if you can get them sweaty enough you can slide your hands free.
“Don’t bother tryin’ tah get loose.” AppleJack drawled. “Ah tied those knots tighter than…than…than somethin’ really tight!”
Normally, you’d ask how she managed to tie such tight knots without any hands, but the girls don’t look like they’re in the mood to answer questions.
Twilight trots up to you and hops onto your lap. If you weren’t so terrified, you’d probably squee in delight.
“Do you know why we’re here?” Twilight says, her voice as cold as liquid nitrogen. You shudder. How could a four foot-tall lavender pony be so intimidating?
“I…I…don’t know.” You squeak.
Twilight hops off the chair and spins it around so you face your computer monitor. The screen flickers for a moment, and your profile page appears.
“Are you familiar with this user, ‘69AwesomeSauce69?’”
You nod. That’s your username alright.
“Approximately two days ago, you left a comment on a Fanfic titled ‘The Element of Trust’ by XXEquestrianQueenXX. Correct?”
A few gaskets blow in your head. “Wait, you mean you crossed universes and beat the crap out of me because I left a harsh comment?!”
Another slap. The screen flashes to the fanfic in question. You remember this fic. It was crap. No, even crap has some kind of use. This fic was utter garbage; OOC canon characters, an alicorn OC, and instant romances. It was everything you hated in a fanfic.
The screen scrolls down to the comments section. “Read your comment.”
You swallow.
“‘This isn’t a fic. This is literary masturbation. You probably wrote this garbage in the dark with the lights off, the door locked, and your pants pulled down. When you were done, you felt a sense of deep shame.”
“I’m sorry, was that too complicated for you? Let me put this in terms you might be able to understand: This. Fic. Sucks.’”
You beam. That was one of your best comments. You swear you can feel the burn radiating from it.
“Do you know who wrote this fanfiction?”
You shrug. Judging by the title and the writing style, you guess it was some fourteen year-old emo girl with an ego the size of a small third-world country. You know, the kind you find on every fanfiction site.
Twilight spins you around so that you face her. “This glorious fan fiction was written by the majestic ruler of Equestria, the Almighty God-Queen Celestia.” The Mane Six bow. “Long may she reign” They say at once.
Every synapse in your brain short circuits at once. God-Queen Celestia?!
Twilight turns to Pinkie Pie. “Do you still have that photo?”
“Yup! Sure do!” The hyperactive horse rummages through her mane and pulls out what looks like a Polaroid photograph. She holds it in front of your face; you swear it smells like cotton candy. “Isn’t she super-stupendous?”
You study the photograph. This “God-Queen Celestia” looks like a cross between Princess Celestia and an 18th century French monarch. Instead of flowing freely like the Princess, the Queen has her mane arranged into a ridiculously elaborate hairdo. The simple regalia of the Princess is replaced by elaborate metal jewelry, studded with massive gemstones. The simple tiara has been replaced by a massive golden crown, topped by a stylized golden sun. To top it all off, the Queen holds a massive scepter in her right fore hoof, with a stylized depiction of her own head at its top.
Subtle.
You struggle to form words. “So…y-you’re telling me that ’God-Queen Celestia’...wat-watches ‘My Little Pony; Friendship is Magic’?”
Pinkie stuffs the photograph back into her mane. “Well yeah! It’s only the most awesomeriffic thing ever made.”
You can’t argue with that.
“Indeed” Rarity says. “Tis’ the only show from your universe that is worthy of her attention.”
Even more synapses blow. “But…but…how?”
“Magic.” Twilight says. “That’s all you need to know.”
Makes as much sense as everything else that’s happened today.
“Anyways,The only ponies that say anything bad about it are those uncool heretics.” Rainbow says, gritting her teeth.
“Indeed.” Rarity huffs. “Those barbarians wouldn’t know majesty if it slapped them in the face.”
“Yup.” Applejack drawls. “Them nasty varmints ain’t good enough to live with the rest of us ponies! They gotta show how sorry they ah by workin’ in the gem mines.”
Well, so much for love and tolerance.
Twilight paces back and forth. “Recently, our most wonderful God-Queen has taken it upon herself to expand the show’s universe through fanfiction.”
“And it. Is. Awesome!” Says Rainbow.
“Oh yes.” Says Fluttershy. “Her most recent fan fiction, 'The Element of Bravery', has become required reading in all of the Queendoms’ schools.”
Twilight and the rest of the gang glare at you. Their eyes feel like lasers, slicing your body to bits. “But it seems that the people of your universe, these ‘bronies,’ can’t appreciate her Majesty’s literary genius.”
“Then why the frak are you singling me out for punishment?” Last you checked, that fic had 800 down votes to 12 up votes, and a comment box packed with negative feedback.
“Don’t worry.” Rarity says . “We’re not singling you out for punishment. Every heretic who downvoted the God-Queen’s masterpieces shall face their just desserts.”
Your blood turns to ice water. That doesn’t sound good.
Twilight turns to Pinkie Pie. “Pinkie, the scroll.”
The pink pony pulls an oversized roll of vellum out of her mane. Twilight pulls some reading glasses out of her saddlebag and unrolls it.
“Prepare to hear the words of our God-Queen, heretic.”
Twilight clears her throat.
“It is decreed that I, the God-Queen, in my most unlimited sense of justice-ness, sentences you and everypony else who dared to mock my brilliance to five Equestrian years in the gem mines.”
Your stomach almost leaps out of your mouth.
Twilight puts the scroll away and closes her eyes. A sphere, very similar to the one that brought her here, appears in your doorway.
“Ya’ll are comin’ with us, varmint!”
A liquid warmth spreads through the crotch of your pants. “Look, Twilight, guys, I…I didn’t’ even know you guys were real until an hour ago! How could I have known that your God-Queen wrote that fic?!”
Twilight doesn‘t budge. “We’re sorry, but in the Queendom, ignorance is no excuse.”
That familiar raspberry jam aura surrounds your computer chair. You feel a harsh tug, and the chair slowly, slowly rolls towards the sphere.”
“Look, I’m…I’m…I’m sorry!” You blubber. Tears pour from your cheeks. “I SWEAR I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT HER FEELINGS! I WAS BLIND, BUT NOW I SEE!”
Are they buying this? You hope they’re buying this.
Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes. “Pfft, yeah right.”
They’re not buying it.
“I SWEAR I’M TELLING THE TRUTH! I REALIZE THAT WHAT I DID WAS WRONG. I SHOULD HAVE RECOGNIZED HER BRILLIANCE WHEN I SAW IT! IT’S BRILLIANT! IT PUTS EVERY OTHER AUTHOR TO SHAME! PENSTROKE, KCAT, ROBCAKERAN, THEY’RE NOTHING COMPARED TO HER!
Fluttershy flaps up to you and puts a hoof on your shoulder. “Um, I’m really, really sorry that we have to do this, but we have a duty to the God-Queen.” Her ears droop. “I hope that we can be friends someday, once you and the rest of these so called ‘bronies’ have served their sentence.”
That was perhaps the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. It makes this situation even more disturbing.
“Yeah!’ Pinkie jumps around like a hyperactive Superball. “Ooh! Ooh! When you get out we can throw a big, ‘Good-to-see-you’ve-learned-your-lesson’ party. We’ll have a big cake and balloons and games and…”
You tune out Pinkie’s chattering. Your chair inches over to the sphere, the little wheels slowly rolling over the thick carpet. You close your eyes. This is the end…
*POP*
You open your eyes. The sphere has vanished.
“Twi, what in the hay just happened?”
“I don’t know! Something just closed the portal from…”
*POP*
The aura vanishes. Your jaw drops.
It’s another Mane Six!
-
The other Twilight points a forehoof at the evil Mane Six.
“Lets get ‘em, girls.”
A fight then ensues. The not-evil Mane 6 proceed to beat the snot out of their more fanatical counterparts. AppleJack bucks her counterpart against a wall repeatedly, while Twilight trades bolts of magical energy with her duplicate. Pinkie and her duplicate bounce around the room, punching each other every chance they get. Rarity slaps the bajeezus out of her doppelganger in a surprisingly elegant way, while the two Rainbow Dashes dogfight in your bedroom, trading kicks and punches too fast for the eye to see. All the while, both Fluttershys cower in a corner.
Finally, the evil Mane Six are subdued and piled in a heap in a corner. Their Fluttershy just cowers in her corner, shaking like a leaf.
The not-fanatical Twilight Sparkle trots over to you. “Are you alright?” Her horn glows, and the knots slowly untie themselves. “Not really.” You slowly stand up, rubbing your chafed wrists. Your face aches all over.
“Fluttershy, can you help this guy out?”
The other Fluttershy flaps over to you. She digs through her saddlebags and pulls out a few tubes of ointment.
“Here.” The sweet little pegasus dabs some of the ointment onto her hooves and smears it over your face. The instant the goo touches your skin, the pain stops. Your body feels normal again.
“Thank you.” You smile, then turn to Twilight. “Care to explain what’s going on?” Today has just been one enigma after another. You really want some answers.
“I’ll try to explain as best I can.” Says Twilight. “We’ve been monitoring the Queendom’s activities for quite a while. Recently, our intelligence suggested that they were about to abduct ‘bronies’ from your universe. Naturally, the Princess couldn’t let that go.”
“Yeah, we saw, we came, and we kicked some flank!”
“Darn tootin’”
Twilight turns to you. “And we have you to thank for it.”
You raise an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“If you hadn’t kept the Queendom’s agents busy for so long, there’s no way we could have reached you in time. Your cowardice made you a hero!”
You’re not entirely sure how to respond to that.
“Ooh, and every hero deserves a party doesn’t he doesn’t he doesn’t he?”
“Oh um, actually Pinkie, I was hoping that I could thank him more, um, personally.”
You tilt your head. "What do you mean?"
Fluttershy turns to you with half-lidded eyes. “I want you. Badly.”
Your heart practically leaps out of your chest. She wants you. Fluttershy, the pony you want to spend the rest of your life with, has just confessed her love for you.
This day’s getting better already.
You close your eyes and move in for a kiss.
Pardon me old chap.
You break off the kiss and open your eyes. Who's there?
This is your brain speaking and I seriously urge you to reconsider this course of action.
You frown. Why?
Tell me, old boy, doesn't this whole scenario seem a tad...familiar?
I don’t follow
Your brain gives a metaphorical sigh. Tell me, do you remember the numerous fan fictions you’ve lambasted over the months? The ones with the unrealistically short romances that could never occur in reality?
You gently push Fluttershy away. Your brain has a point. Fluttershy, well, this Fluttershy, just met you, what, a minute ago and she already wants to have hot pony sex with you.
Something about this doesn’t feel right.
Hey buddy!
You recognize this new voice. You’ve heard it a lot.
I say, who are you?
Names’ Hormones , and I say you should go for it, big boy! it aint’ everyday that your dream girl shows up like this!
Good sir, I am the one in charge here. I must now politely ask you to leave.
Aww shove it in your wrinkles, ya’ glorified blob a’ Jello! Everyone knows that I’m the one who calls the shots around here.
You DARE to challenge my authority!
Who’se challengin’? It’s a matter of fact, chump!
Your brain addresses you. I’m sorry, old boy, but I cannot let such a slight to my honor go unchallenged!
Oh, so you want a fight huh? Bring it on, Jello!
Your brain and your hormones then proceed to metaphorically beat the crap out of each other. The girls watch in confusion as your head is whipped around.
HAVE AT THEE, BRUTE!
TAKE SOMMA THIS YA’ SNOOTY OLD BLOB!
Finally, after a minute-long fight, the fight is over. Your hormones stand triumphantly over your defeated brain.
Well, now that he’s outta the picture...
-I will have my revenge!-
Wadd’ya say we get this show on the road?
You turn to Fluttershy, “Well?”
Fluttershy flaps over to you and sits on your lap. You hold back a squee and close in for a kiss. Her soft lips touch your own…
*POP*
Your eyes shoot open. Again?!
FWAP
You open your eyes. Your beloved Fluttershy has suddenly lost her head.
FWAP
FWAP
FWAP
FWAP
FWAP
Six bolts of light pierce the Mane Six, turning their heads to charcoal.
You turn around to see six pony stallions with the same colors of the Mane Six. Their leader’s horn is glowing an angry red.
“Wha...what have you done?!” You wail.
The lavender stallion points at the bodies. “Look.”
The headless bodies slowly begin to melt. Fluttershy’s body slides off your lap onto the floor. The bodies slowly, slowly melt into blobs of shimmering metallic scales.
Your jaw drops for the sixth time that day. “Wha...I…”
“Those were not the ponies you loved.” The leader says in a deep baritone voice. He looks almost identical to Twilight Sparkle; same color, same cutie mark, even the same mane style. The only difference is, well, that he’s a stallion.
“Yeah!” Says a pink stallion almost identical to Pinkie Pie. “Those gals were actually bunch of mean -ol copycats who wanted to snack on your emotions.” He turns to the Stallion-Twilight. Isn’t that right, Dusky?”
“You are correct, Surprise Party. "Those creatures we just killed were shape shifting emotional parasites. They planned to use your love for Fluttershy to multiply and infect your universe."
*POP*
Six pony-shaped robots race into your room.
“SUBJECT HAS BEEN LOCATED” Their leader says “ATTENTION CARBON-BASED LIFEFORM, WE URGENTLY REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE!”
Another POP. Six new creatures resemble enter the bedroom. These newcomers resemble the Mane Six, but with three eyes, and manes made of jagged crystal
“THERE HE IS!” Their leaders shouts, pointing a claw-like forehoof at you. “There is the Great Destroyer!”
*POP*
A strange, multicolored cloud wafts out of a heat vent.
“At Last!” The cloud says. Its voice is like all of the Mane Six talking at once. “We have found the Savior!”
“No, he is the Great Destroyer!” Says Crystal Twilight. “He must be stopped!”
“LIFEFORM, YOU MUST COME WITH US!” Says robo-Twilight
Your mind reels again. What the frak…?
Another "POP". Six anthropomorphic ponies slink into your bedroom.
“Hey there, big boy,” Says a large breasted Twilight Sparkle. “ We could use a few more males back home. Wanna come with us?”
"Hell yeah!". You step towards anthro Twilight and her friends.
“NO!” The stallion-Twilight impales the anthro Twilight with a spear of magic. The busty ponies dissolve into a swarm of gnat-like creatures.
"Oh come on!"
"You would have been eaten alive!" Shouts Stallion-Twilight
*POP*
Another Mane Six trots into your room. They look almost identical to the original Mane Six, but there’s something...wrong about them. Something creepy. Maybe it’s their unsettling smiles or the glazed look in their eyes.
“Hello” Says Creepy Twilight. “We offer your race a chance to cast off your violent ape form!’
“Yeah, humans are all icky and mean.” Says Creepy Pinkie. “If you become a pony, you’ll become nice and sweet.”
Creepy Twilight pulls a flask of thick, purple liquid out of her saddlebag. “One sip of this serum will turn your flawed ape form into a glorious pony body. You will run with us all in an endless, eternal herd…”
FWAP!
All of your uninvited guests zap the creepy ponies at once. The unsettling equines let out an ungodly shriek, then crumble into ash, which all of the Mane Sixes trample into a grey flour.
You feel something nudge your side. It’s the Fluttershy from the evil Mane Six.
“Come with me!”
Normally you wouldn’t go with a pony who just a minute ago was trying to help enslave you, but things are anything but normal right now. You push past the Mane Sixes and bolt down the stairs.
“What’s going on?” You demand.
“Oh, it’s as I feared.” Says Fluttershy. “Our mission to your universe has attracted ponies from every adjacent universe.
“Just how many universes are adjacent to this one?” Odd. You don’t recall Fluttershy being so scholarly.
“Um, let me think.” Fluttershy concentrates. “Roughly nine hundred and seventy two, give or take a dozen.”
Your eyes widen. You gotta get out of here. Fast.
The damnable spheres are popping up all over the house, each carrying their own version of the Mane Six. Beings of pure energy clash with ponies made of dark matter. Swarms of ant-like ponies crawl over ponies covered in thick armor plate. Creatures like pony-colored throw rugs hurl themselves at candy-colored dragons.
The chaotic melee is tearing your house apart. Powerful bucks and kicks bust through walls, while blasts of magic and flame blow huge holes in the ceiling.
“Hurry! We don’t have much time! ”
You dash out the front door just as a massive blast of energy blows a hole the size of a minivan in the side of the house. The "POP"s escalate, as if your home had become a giant popcorn popper.
Once you’re on the front lawn, Fluttershy hooks her forelegs under your arms.
“What are you doing?”
“No time to explain. We need to get out of here. Fast.”
With that, the timid little pegasus flaps her wings. Surprisingly, she’s able to lift you off the ground.
“Please, hold on!”
With that, Fluttershy and you zip off towards the outskirts of town. This Fluttershy is surprisingly fast; much more so than her TV counterpart.
You look below you. Spheres are popping up all over the place, each disgorging some horrifying version of the Mane Six. The town is in a panic.
“We gotta help them!” You shout.
“I’m sorry, but we can’t afford to waste time!” Fluttershy shouts over the chaos below. “This town isn’t going to last much longer!”
“What do you mean…”
Your sentence is interrupted by a nova-like burst of light. A sound an impossibly large foghorn rips through the air, nearly knocking you and Fluttershy out of the sky.
“Oh, it’s started!”
“What’s started?!”
“The damage to your universe is reaching a critical point. It’s only a matter of time before it tears open a hole in spacetime!”
“Then what’ll happen?”
“Then everything within five miles of your house will be sucked out of the universe!”
That...doesn’t sound good.
The little pegasus pumps her wings as fast as she can. Everything feels weird. One second, it feels like gravity’s become twice as strong, then next it feels like it isn’t there at all.
“We’re almost out of danger. Just hold…”
WHUM
You risk a look behind you. Something like a giant soap bubble just appeared where your house used to be. It’s slowly growing larger.
“STEP ON IT!!”
Fluttershy beats her wings as hard as she can. The bubble expands exponentially; the swirling, multi-colored wall advances on you like a wall of death.
“Almost...there…”
The wall grows closer and closer. The tip of Fluttershy’s tail touches it. Then…
MUUUUHW
The bubble contracts as quickly as it came, sending out a massive shock wave. A air hits Fluttershy like a brick. Her forelegs give out and the earth reaches out to meet you…
Tap
"Mister?"
You stir. “Not now, Mom. It's Saturday.”
Tap Tap
"Mister, please get up!"
You slowly pick yourself. You wince; your head feels like its been put in a vice.
“Oh, thank goodness you’re alright!”
The gears in your head slowly begin to turn again. “Fluttershy, what…what happened?”
“Oh, you had a nasty fall there. For a moment, I thought I’d almost lost you”.
“No, not me. What happened to the town?”
She points to something behind you. “Um, perhaps you should see for yourself. “
You turn around. Your heart freezes. Your once bustling hometown is now a massive, bowl-shaped crater.
Fluttershy stomps a hoof. “Oh, I knew that something like this would happen! I tried to tell my colleagues at the Institute, but they wouldn’t listen!”
“Wait, Institute?”
“Yes, the Starswirl Institute for Theoretical Physics. I’m, well, I was one of the head researchers there.”
“Researcher?! I thought you took care of animals!”
Fluttershy smiles. “In the My Little Pony universe I do. In my universe, I have a PhD in quantum mechanics.The Gate was the result of my research.”
You decide not to delve any further.
You walk up to the brim of the crater and chuck a rock into the bowl.Fluttershy walks up to you. “Are you feeling alright?”
“I don’t know.” You whisper. Your home and the rest of the town have been literally ripped out of the universe and your concepts of reality have been shattered. All in a few short hours.
Your brain just can’t keep up.
“What about yourself?” You ask the little equine. “Your friends are gone forever. You must be devastated.”
Fluttershy sighs. “Not really.”
You blanch. “But...but they’re your best friends!”
Fluttershy smiles. “In My Little Pony, yes. In my universe, they were more like acquaintances. I really wasn’t all that close to them.” She sighs “To tell the truth, I’ve never really been close to anypony. My only real friend was my work. Everyone else was just an acquaintance.”
You...really don’t know what to say. For a while, the two of you just sit by the rim of the crater, not saying a thing. Finally, you decide to break the silence.
“So now what?”
“I dont’ know. I can’t go back to my home universe that’s for sure. Queen Celestia will have me executed for sure.” She snorts. “ I was never very loyal to her. She’d find a reason.”
“Well, you could always stay with me.” You say.
Fluttershy turns to you. “I... guess we could do that.”
She trots up to you and gives you a hug. “Thank you.”
Your heart nearly explodes with happiness. Sure, you and your family may lost everything, but hey, at least you got to hug Fluttershy.
