A Modest Proposal

Dear Princess Celestia,

It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through Ponyville, or travel through Equestria, when they see the mountains, the caverns, and cliff-sides crowded with dragons of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six young dragons, scales not fully hardened, and importuning every passenger for gems. I feel that this large number of young dragons is a great tragedy to this country; and anypony who could find a sound method for putting these young-lings to work for our society would be worthy of a statue in your garden.

But I speak not simply of those young dragons who dwell on our cliff-sides, but of all young dragons everywhere, including those who assist many of your students in the magical arts.

This is a topic that has kept my interest for the better part of my years. Young dragons are, as a whole, a selfish population, concerned only with their welfare, and occasionally the welfare of the pony they have been bound to assist. But with my methods, we can put these dragons to work in a way that will benefit thousands of your pony subjects. Too many dragons grow up to be noncontributing members of society. At worst, they torment your loyal subjects with fire and smoke. At best, they sleep in their caves all day with their ill-gotten gems, making no attempts to seek employment, or paying property taxes unto the state.

Baby dragons are simply the beginning point for this unfortunate timeline, and it is because of their insignificance that I make the following proposal, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing pegasus of my acquaintance in Canterlot, that a young healthy dragon well fed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a cupcake or a quiche.

I do hereby offer it to public consideration, that of the thousands of baby dragons currently inhabiting our kingdom, a fraction of them may be reserved for the purposes of breeding. These dragons will likely not reproduce on their own, and as such we will be doing them a favor. The rest will be offered up for sale to wealthy ponies, perhaps as a gourmet dish that serves several, when the dragon is properly prepared and made fat beforehand.

Salt and pepper are recommended for basic consumption to bring out flavor. More complex spices can be added by ponies who seek to add an exotic element to their dish.

I have calculated that the average baby dragon is born weighing a little over 15 pounds, and in the course of a year, a well-fed specimen can double that weight easily. Thus, the average year-old dragon should provide plenty of food for a family of ponies, with leftovers to spare for sandwiches, and bones to use in stews. The meat will be likely most palatable in the cooler months, when the dragon’s subtly spicy-flavor (not unlike that of buffalo) is best paired with the crisp winds of autumn and winter. This will also serve to reduce the number of Ice Dragons, which have always been rather a nuisance to Your Majesty.

The program will essentially pay for itself, as the dragons can be sold both whole and prepared, with the latter requiring more bits (due to the services involved). Those inclined to buy whole will also find that the skin of the dragon can be made into a very effective helmet, and while not fully tested in battle, it can at least be promised to prevent injury if one is thrown from a scooter. As for the dragon caves themselves, time and a dwindling population will soon leave many of them vacant. It is worth considering that these empty spaces be turned into markets, where the buying and selling of dragon meat could be encouraged, as well as the sale of their skin, claws, bones, eyes....

“Okay, Twilight! Okay!!”

Twilight Sparkle looked up at her assistant, to find the young dragon drenched in sweat. “Do you want me to stop?”

“Yes, please! No more of this!”

Twilight approached Spike and gave him a cold stare. “I don’t know if I should stop. Are YOU going to stop?”

“Yes, I’ll stop! I’ll never do it again!”

“You’ll never do what again? I want to hear you say it.”

Spike took a deep breath. “I promise to never sneak into your room while you’re sleeping and stroke your hair at night while holding a picture of Rarity anymore!”

“And you’re not just promising that. I don’t want you in my room while I’m sleeping AT ALL. Not until you get this little crush of yours under control!”

“I said I promise! What more do you want?”

Twilight nodded. “Good. Now get ready for bed, Spike. It’s time for you to get some sleep. In your OWN ROOM.”

Spike stared at the floor and silently mouthed “yeah...” Then he looked at the scroll in his right hand. “Um, Twilight...”

“Yes?”

“I don’t have to finish this, do I?”

“Of course not, Spike. Just get some sleep.”

He felt his spirits begin to lift for the first time that night. “Do you mind if I get rid of it?”

“Go ahead,” Twilight said, a small smile on her lips.

With a puff of orange flame, the frightening treatise went up into a cloud of smoke. Spike breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank Celestia. For a second there, I thought you were serious.”

As Spike walked up the stairs to his bed, he thanked his lucky stars to have a mentor like Twilight. She was smart, she was pretty (for a pony), and though she took herself seriously, she was capable of playing the occasional joke. She was quite a filly.

And right behind his back, as he walked away, that smart, pretty, serious pony was licking her lips.