My Little Immortal

by LP2993

Rating: mature
Tags: Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Sex, Gilda, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Alternate Universe
Length: 20890

Crossover of My Immortal and MLP [Adults-Only][Gore][Comedy][Crossover]

The Bearers of the Elements of Harmony have been called to Hogwarts by Countess Celestia. Celestia, and all the Wizards you remember in the Harry Potter books are acting very strangely, however, especially around a Slytherin named Ebony Darkness Dementia Way...

This is a crossover with the legendarily bad 'My Immortal'. It is different in the following ways (which may make it less funny, idunno)
*It is told from Twilight's perspective, and largely has correct grammar/spelling/name consistency.
*The Ponyvillians largely act in character (though few others do)
*It is from the perspective of a voyeur watching the insanity of My Immortal unfold.

Published 2011-10-15 09:59:55 UTC
Last updated 2011-10-15 10:19:08 UTC

I

The sun rose over Ponyville. Despite his narcolepsy, Spike the dragon was the first to arise in the Library, as Twilight had studied the stars with Owlowicious from dusk till dawn.

He puttered about in their kitchen trying to decide. "She'll be mad if I wake her up. Maybe I could make breakfast? No, she'll still be a grump if I wake her up too early. Maybe I could go see Rarity? But then if Twi wakes up before I'm back... no, I should make breakfast." His train of thought was interrupted by a strange feeling in his gut. A strange feeling he knew all too well.

He barfed up a scroll, as he had so many times before. This one tasted funny. He unrolled it, and read it. He knew he wasn't supposed to, but he had to know whether to wake Twilight for it. He widened his eyes at its contents. Maybe a three course meal in bed would soften the blow...
My Little Immortal

Chapter I:The Descent into Madness

Hi, my name is Twilight Sparkle. I have dark purple hair with lavendar streaks, and a red stripe, that reaches the bottom of my neck, and reddish-purple eyes like stewed beets. I have a magic star surrounded by other stars for a cutie mark (that's how I got my name) and a lot of people tell me I look like Photo Finish (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I am related to Star Sparkle, my mother, who I've been told was a major hottie. Ew. I'm also a unicorn. I have a purple coat. I went to Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I'm a librarian (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly nothing. Unless Rarity forces me into something. Today I was wearing... well, nothing again. I was happily asleep in my bed in the Branches and Leaves Public Library in Ponyville. "Hey Twilight!" And then Spike woke me up.

I shook my hoof at him, before recoiling from the early morning sun, and covering my eyes.

"Spike!? Why did you wake me up!?"

"A letter from the Princess! I think it's important."

I sighed, and rolled my eyes. "Fine. Give it here."

"I made you breakfast in bed too."

"Spike! How thoughtful. Thank you." The juice would help with the headache. Or so I'd read.

And so I read.
To my Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle,
Recent events have opened my eyes. I finally see the truth. You too need an education. I have arranged for you to attend a school, where your eyes will be opened. While your studies have continued in Ponyville on the magic of friendship, there are other kinds of magic as well.
I have found an acadamy much like my school for Gifted Unicorns. Please bring your friends, they will be delic...ightful to have around. I have enclosed the magic ritual required to take them here to England, to Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
I think they will be enlightened by the experience too.
With love,
Countess Princess Celestia

"That was certainly... strange." I remarked.

"I know." Spike said. "The ink tasted funny coming up, too."

"It was almost crusty or crumbly." I added. "Pass the toast, would you Spike?" I asked with a smile.

"It would be my pleasure. Twi, when has she ever been a Countess?"

"I mfunno Spike." I said through a mouthfull of toast. "I mean, the Princess has all kinds of titles she hasn't used in years, like Lady Protector of the Earth Ponies, or Queen of the Sun, but I've never heard of her being a Countess. Maybe the Mayor knows. I guess I'll ask when I get the whole gang together."

The Mayor didn't know anything about it. Aside from some court gossip, that neither Celestia nor Luna had been seen for some time, saying that they'd taken a vacation. My friends, fortunately, had the ability to take a vacation of our own. We'd certainly get to the bottom of this mystery.

The ritual I'd been sent directed us to a stone henge on the outskirts of Ponyville, near the Everfree forest. Applejack took the lead. "Listen here, sugarcube, I know creepy ruins are your speci-ality, but this here's on Carrot Top's land. I think I should do the talkin' if we meet her."

"Talking about what?" Asked Carrot Top.

"Oh, hey there, Carrot Top. Just... er... lookin' for ya. Carrots been good this year?"

"Good enough. What are you doing on my land?"

"Listen, neighbor, lemme level with ya. Twilight here got a letter from Princess Celestia orderin' her to do some magic on yonder stone pile." She pointed to the henge. "I know you don't take kindly to tresspassers, but I thought we could get goin' before we had to pester ya about it. Can we please walk on your land?"

"Ok, AJ. Just don't trample my carrots, and it's fine. Not that I've planted a lot of them around that ruin. Stupid varmints have been eating me out of house and home! I've half a mind to set traps"

"Oh my." Whimpered Fluttershy. "Please don't do that! You'll hurt the animals!"

"That's why I said half a mind, Fluttershy. But, can you do anything about it? I mean, I've even seen that bunny of yours taking my carrots!"

"I can try beseeching..."

"Can't you... you know... stare them?" Carrot Top asked.

"Oh, no. I don't have any control when that happens. But I'm sure I can get Angel to stop. Or to take fewer carrots."

We continued on, and I began my intricate ritual. Symbols carved into the dirt, strange plant oils, the whole works. And finally, a little bit of chimney soot. I could feel the energies building up for a massively powerful travelling spell. "Rarity, I need help!" She added her energies to mine, to stabilize the spell, but it was very hard. "Everypony, hang on!" We clustered together in a bit of a group hug. "Spike, now!" Spike started a small fire in the center of the stone circle.

I felt myself begin to stretch out, becoming taller and taller. Around me, I could see my friends too begin to twist, with surprised an horrified looks on their faces. Except Pinkie, who was saying "WHOO!" A horrified look crept across my face, as I felt the next phase of the ritual take hold. Teleportation gave me an innate feeling for this. The fabric of space and time was being torn asunder before me. We were going to another universe. As we were pulled upward into the rift, the energies of the spell released. Carried on the wind was a single voice, crying out.

"MY CARROTS!"

II

Chapter II:Hall Pass

When my eyes stopped rolling in my head, I pulled myself to my hooves. "Everypony OK?"

"Yep, Sugarcube." "Okey dokey!" "Ready!" "I've seen better days." "I'm ok."

"I made it too. But I'm not a pony, natch."

"Oh, Spike, I almost forgot about you."(good thing I'm not the element of honesty) "I guess I'd fall apart in any school without my #1 assistant." I took a good look around.

We'd landed in a musty, old, ornate room. It was collosal. Very long. Probably a hallway. Tapestries and paintings adorned the walls, and we'd emerged from a fireplace. But the whole room was... wrong. The doors were far too tall. And the paintings. I finally saw what was wrong with them.

I'd never seen the creature in the paintings. Tall. Bipedal. Hairless. And the paintings stared back. I'd have sworn they moved. My friends seemed to be equally creeped out. We were taken out of our panic, when Fluttershy spotted a cat.

"Oh, aren't you just the sweetest thing?" The cat stopped dead at the sight of us.

"Fluttershy, allow me." said Rarity. "Aren't you precious? Come here, and Miss Rarity will give you a treat. Wouldn't you like that?" Rarity slowly approached the cat. When she was in range, the cat took off down the hall, yowling. With a small piece of Rarity's mane as a souvenier.

"COME BACK HERE YOU MANGY FLEABALL!" Rarity shouted after it. In the silence that followed, we heard a soft voice.

"Mrs. Norris, did you find a little student who's gone for a little walkabout in my halls? I do love me a chase." Measured footsteps came down the hall, followed by the thing. It was another of the creatures, with a stallion's voice. It's bipedal gait was jarring and unnatural, it wore tattered, ancient clothes of what I now know was hide, and it reeked of age, sweat, and its moldering clothes. We were paralyzed in fright.

"Oh, ho ho. Even better than a student. I'll have Hagridd's hide for this! Creatures from the forbidden forest in my halls! I'll bet that rotter Potter has a hand in this! Stay there, little unicorns, while I fetch the headmaster!" He rubbed his hands together with a mix of greed and malice in his eyes.

His... insane mumbling broke the spell of terror. Mustering all my courage, I swallowed the lump in my throat, and addressed him. "Excuse me, sir or madam, but my name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm not from here, and..."

"I'll say you're not from here, all righ... MERCIFUL MERLIN'S MOUSTACHE! You talk!"

The creature retreated down the hall. A moment later, it returned, having recomposed himself. "Eh-hem. And just what are you doing in my halls?" He tried desperately to regain his intimidating mask.

Fluttershy stepped forwards. "Oh, hi, my name's Fluttershy. We were just pulled here by a spell, you see. I've never seen a creature like you before, what's your name?"

"I am Mr. Filch, and you will address me as such! And, wait, what was that about a spell?"

I stepped forward. "My teacher, Princess Celestia, sent me a spell that teleported me into this castle. Her letter implied she was already here. If I did the spell right..." By this time, Fluttershy had coaxed Mrs. Norris out from behind Mr. Filch, and was scratching her on the ears. Rarity looked very jealous.

"A spell that can teleport into Hogwarts? The Ministry of Magic will hear of this, that's for certain." Filch muttered darkly to himself. "But let me take you to Dumbledore. He's been taking up with your sort more and more, lately. Just like the old days." He gave us a mean look. "I think there's a 'Celestia' around somewhere. Mark my words, this will all end in bitterness and ruin! Ruin!" He continued his insane ranting, as he led us down the endless corridors toward the headmaster.

Hogwarts was a labyrinth of twisting halls. We came shortly to a great stairwell with dozens of stairways haphazardly connecting the floors. It was lit, incompletely, by candles and chandaliers. While adorned with old, and very lifelike paintings, the drab stone, and the poor lighting did little to correct the oppressive chill and dank of the castle. It was night to Canterlot's day. Mr. Filch led us up several flights of stairs, before halting our group.

"C'mon! This is taking forever! Fluttershy could fly faster than this!" Rainbow complained to him.

"I must agree. All these stairs are wreaking havoc on my mane." Rarity added.

"Hold up a minute, little ponies." Mr. Filch said. "You'd be wise to catch your breath. We've got to wait for the next flight of stairs. Beyond that, it's only three more stories."

Everypony but Pinkie groaned. "Three more stories? You wanna hear the story of how Equestria was made?" Everyone, even Mr. Filch, stared askance at her. As she began telling the story of... something, the rest of us climbed the remaining stairs, with her voice echoing in the huge stairwell behind us. We reached the top, and Mr. Filch dropped his lantern.

"And that's how I got my cutie mark." Pinkie stepped out of a nearby alcove at the top of the stairs. "Someday, I'll tell you how Equestria was made."

"Gaaah!" Screamed Mr. Filch. He fell over, and was about to roll down the stairs. Rarity and I caught him with our magic, and stood him back upright. "How did... where... HOW!?"

Applejack punched him on the leg. "That's just Pinkie Pie bein' Pinkie. It's best not to bust yer noggin thinkin' about it." She guffawed, and the rest of us had a little laugh.

"I can't be rid of you ponies soon enough." Filch muttered under his breath. "Anyway, here's Dumbledore's office. Goodbye." He knocked in an odd pattern on the large wooden door flanked by sculpted gargoyles. From within, we could hear bars unslide, bolts withdraw, and locks click open. Stamped upon the door was a brass plate.
Albus Dumbledore, Order of Merlin
Headmaster

We encountered some resistance opening the door.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER! CLUMSY SHITASS! MY FUCKING HEAD!" Sitting before us was an ancient looking man in fancy robes. Humans are hairless, but this one had a beard that more than made up for it. He was seated on an ascending staircase behind the door, and it looked like he was bleeding from a gash on his head.

"I'm so sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" Fluttershy rushed forward to pick him up, and I helped her with my telekinesis. Somewhere, she'd pulled out a clean cloth that she was dabbing at his head wound with, flying to reach his head.

"Oh, talking MOTHERFUCKING ponies. You SHITTING must be with GODDAMN Celestia. Where'd my ASSHOLE glasses get to? Could you COCKSUCKERS help me find them?"

We were aghast at his language. Rainbow was the first to act. She got up in his face. "Where do you get off talking to us like that, chump! You're making Fluttershy cry! And nopony, and I mean nopony makes Fluttershy cry!"

"What did you say about Princess Celestia!?" A scowl set itself in my face, and I could feel my temperature rise from my anger. My mane was beginning to stick out, as my hackles rose.

"Oh, FUCKING sorry. I had some CUNT of Fred BITCHASS and George Weasley BASTARD's Tourrette's FUCKNUGGET taffy. The CAMEL-HUMPING effect will expire in thirty MOTHERFUCKING minutes. Countess CARPETMUNCHER Celestia's upstairs. Follow me FAGGOTRONS."

He walked silently up the stairs. From above, he leaned back around the corner, and beckoned us forward. I noticed with some relief that Spike looked very happy. Rarity had her hooves clamped around his ears. We ascended the stairs into the ancient, wood floored office.

Dumbledore was seated in his chair. Celestia was seated on some kind of comfortable looking beanbag chair in another corner, taking what looked like a nap. The headmaster was writing on a sheet of paper. He finished, and handed it to me. I read it, then read it aloud for the rest of the ponies.
Twilight Sparkle,
I can avoid swearing if I write what I'm going to say. So let me be brief. You can talk with Celestia after this.
Celestia has enrolled you six in Hogwarts for the next few weeks. I will use the Sorting Hat to place you each within one of the Four Houses of Hogwarts, each being an organization of about a quarter of the students. Afterwards, you may roam Hogwarts, and see what it is like for the average student. It is night right now, and students are not to roam the halls at night. You are to avoid the Forbidden Forest. You will pick up any other rules as we go along.
When we are done with the Sorting, you will be taken to your Dorms by some of Hogwart's Faculty.
Welcome to Hogwarts,
Albus Dumbledore

"What do you mean, you six?" Asked Spike. "Can't I learn magic too?"

Dumbledore placed his hand on the dragon's head, and sadly shook his head.

"Okay... what's this sorting thing all about?" Asked Rainbow Dash. "Wait, does that mean we'll get split up? Not. Cool."

Dumbledore's only answer was to get up from his desk, and retrieve a battered old hat from a glass display case. He placed it on Dash's head.

With my magic enhanced senses, I could hear it talk to itself. "Hmm, plenty of loyalty in this one, could be a good Hufflepuff. Ambitious too, but also brash. I think GRYFFINDOR! is the place for Dash."

"I don't know, guys, that brings up a lot of bad memories." Dash said.

It was clear that the rest of the ponies heard the Gryffindor part, anyway. Celestia began to stir. Dumbledore took the hat, and placed it on Rarity. "I wouldn't be caught dead in this old rag, if it wasn't necessary. Can't you just let me draw straws?"

"Tradition." Dumbledore replied. Looks like he could avoid swearing if he used single words.

The hat sat on the unsure unicorn. "Oh, let's see. Ah. Easy. You can practically smell the guile and drive coming off of her. This one is a clear SLYTHERIN!"

"Eugh. Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes! Hmm, maybe I can come up with a new mascot..."

Dumbledore took the hat, and approached Applejack. "Whoa, nelly! I ain't gonna let ya put that spooky old thing on me without a wrestling match." She backed away from him.

"Cmon, silly, it'll be fun! BLOOFLEBLAZZ! HURDLEHURG! You got to see what Dash and Rarity got, now we want to see yours!" Pinkie said.

"Well, when ya put it that way..." She slowly removed her stetson. Down came the Sorting Hat.

"Another toughie. Tough as dirt. But threaten her friends, and she is a mother bear. GRYFFINDOR!"

"Aw, I was hoping for something more fun." Said Pinkie.

"Looks like I'll be keepin' you honest." AJ said to Dash.

Dumbledore walked to me. I sat down, and felt the hat on my head. I could hear it speak into my mind. "Ah, and what do we have here? JESUS JONES have you read a lot of books. No question about it. RAVENCLAW!"

Dumbledore removed the hat a moment after putting it on me. "Sorry, Twi, looks like we are getting split up. I'm sure we'll see each other around." AJ had her hoof on my shoulder.

"And you still have Spike!" Pinkie said.

Dumbledore had set the hat on Fluttershy. "Impossibly kind. You'd help even your enemies. Let alone your friends. I think the students of HUFFLEPUFF will treat you the best."

"Whoosawhat? That one has the best sounding name so far! What was it again?" Asked Pinkie. Dumbledore had the hat on her head before she could get an answer.

"Fuck! What the fuck! Get me the fuck off! Nonononono!" The hat began to smoke. "Anything. Gotta get off! Can't decide! Too much energy! Gotta put her somewhere. HUFFLEPUFF! They can deal with her. Get me off! Get me off!"

Pinkie's hair seemed a little deflated, for a moment after the hat was removed. "Oh, yay! Hufflepuff! I get the coolest named one! Er, the other houses are fine, too. But Hufflepuff! And Fluttershy! Your auntie Pinkie Pie can keep you company!" Her hair had resumed its usual bounce.

"Oh, my. It looks like I'll be alone." Said Rarity.

I looked at Spike. He looked back. It was almost like I could read his mind. "Rarity, I'll send Spike with you tonight. I can settle in fine myself. Heh, heh. All I have to do is find the library, and I'll have more than enough to keep me busy."

"Oh, no, I could never impose like that. A lady never needs company."

"I insist." I said.

"If you say so. But what about writing to Celestia?"

"She's right here. I'll be fine."

"Fine. Spike, it looks like you'll be my assistant, for tonight, at least."

"Gladly, my lady!"

"And speaking of Celestia" Celestia chimed in. "I think you were promised an audience with me?"

"PRINCESS!" We all bowed.

"Arise, my little ponies. I trust you know what you have to do? And will be up tommorow, ready for a day of classes?"

"Maybe not ready for classes..." Dash murmered.

She looked directly at me, and licked her lips before continuing. "So, any questions, my faithful student?"

"Yeah." I said. "Why this world? Why this school?"

"Oh, it's quite simple, Twilight. Pheonixes are very rare. So rare, that when it is time for them to mate, keepers of them often meet from nearby worlds. Philomena is ready, and soon, Dumbledore's phoenix Fawkes will be. It is almost time for him to renew himself."

"All right..." I said.

"Oh, is Fawkes ill? Can I help?" Fluttershy asked.

Celestia laughed. It seemed crueler than usual. "Oh, Fluttershy. It's simply Fawkes' time. I think you know that better than anypony. But I'm sure Dumbledore will call for you if there's anything you can do."

"Oh, Princess." I said. "One more question. Where's Luna?"

Celestia looked taken off guard for a moment. "She's off... taking care of something important. It is night here, after all. I assure you, you'll see her... soon enough." She had an enigmatic smile at the end of that evasive answer.

"Well OK, Princess. Everypony, group together by house, and let's meet these Professors! Dumble... I mean, Headmaster, if you'd take us to them?" I asked him.

"My pleasure, DOUCHEBAG." He said.

"How about I do the talking, for now? I wouldn't want my ponies to pick up any nasty habits." Celestia had the strangest smirk. She walked downstairs, and opened the door. From below, I could hear her talk to some other humans. "Ah, my good professors. Dumbledore will not see you in his office, he is unable to speak at the moment. Magical mishap, you understand. I will send you your new students myself."

I could hear a deep, dark voice conspire down below. "Just one minute, you pastel painted cow. We must see the headmaster! Just because you have some kind of hold on him, does not mean you can trample all over us with your glitter encrusted hooves. We DO NOT take orders from you!"

"Snape, Snape, Snape, you think I would tell you to shove it without an order signed in triplicate? I'm sure this sheet of paper has exactly what you're looking for. No, not a heart, or your one true love, but Dumbledore's signature. He cannot talk right now. Seeing him is pointless. Now, I'm going to give you all a little gift. I'm sure you'll love it. Come down, my little ponies."

III

Chapter III:Night Terrors

We descended the stairs, to see Celestia by four black robed humans. One, a male, was glowering at her. He must have been this 'Snape'. We regrouped around her, and the four professors stood in a semicircle around us.

"Professor Snape," she pointed toward him. "Please escort Rarity with you to the Slytherin dorm." Rarity and Spike walked toward him.

"Which one of you is Rarity? And which one of you is trying my patience!" He pointed at them.

"I, Professor Snape, am Miss Rarity. And Spike is heading to Slytherin with me! If you wish to object, take it up with the headmaster!"

"Yeah! What makes you think you can talk to her like that!" Yelled Spike.

"The fact that I am the head of Slytherin House, little dragon! But it is clear she has the right attitude, now we just have to see if she has the talent to back it up... Follow me, and do as I say, or I will have you thrown out of Slytherin so fast your scales will fall off! The same goes double for you, Miss Rarity." A cruel sneer was etched on his gaunt features.

They all walked off, grumbling about each other under their breath. "Now, Applejack and Rainbow Dash, you should go with Professor McGonagall." She gestured toward the old woman, who gave them a nod in greeting.

"I hope she's a lot cooler than she looks." Rainbow whispered to AJ. As they vanished down the hall, I could hear the faintest trace of McGonagall's old voice ask them about themselves, before they went out of the range of hearing.

"Fluttershy, Pinkie? You're with Professor Sprout. She'll take you to Hufflepuff."

"Come with me, students. I'll get you set up, and tucked in for tonight." Sprout said warmly.

"Thank you, Professor Sprout." Fluttershy said. "And I have a lot of questions about humans to ask you, if you don't mind."

"I just wanna know" Pinkie asked "Where I can get some supplies for a party!? We're gonna meet a lot of new friends, and the best way to do that is a party! Pinkie Pie style!" Her voice was the last to fade out into the distant corridor.

"And Twilight? Professor Quirrel will take you to Ravenclaw. Sleep tight, my faithful student. I will see you tommorow." It looked like I was stuck with the turban-wearing human with the nervous tic. Well, I had nervous tics of my own around strange new po... people, so it'd all balance out.

"Goodbye, Princess. Oh, and hello, Professor, Quirrel, was it? Pleased to meet you."

"Oh, I assure you, my dear, the pleasure is all mine." We started walking down the corridors away from the headmaster's office.

"So, Hogwarts... any rules I should know about?"

"No, I don't think that's important at the moment. Just follow me." The professor was going down the labyrinthine halls, and taking the darkest, and quietest branch, each time we hit an intersection.

"Any interesting news? I'm afraid I'll have a hard time fitting in." I said.

"I wouldn't worry about that." He said. "Now, in here, if you would." He opened a door.

It led into a classroom area. The chairs were a bit weird, but I assumed they were for human anatomy. "Professor, are you sure this is the way to Ravenclaw?"

"Oh, I'm quite sure." He said. "That it isn't."

"NOW, Quirrel! Strike!" A third, terrible voice demanded.

"Stupefy!" A red bolt shot from the wand he had drawn. It struck me in the chest, and I flew back toward the wall. As my eyes spun, the Professor was on me in a flash. He reached down, and bit me in the neck. He began to drink my blood.

Once I realized what was happening, panic and terror gripped my chest. I could feel my consciousness fade from shock and blood loss. But then, terror gave way to rage.

How dare he! How dare he take me from my friends! How dare he take me from Spike! I didn't understand the human world, but this was not right. And, what about my friends? Had they been led into a trap? Time slowed down for me.

My eyes snapped to attention, and I saw the armored suit on the wall. My horn glowed, as I summoned a come-to-life spell. When it was ready, I shoved my back and shoulders upwards, and knocked Quirrel off. The animated armor, free to strike without hitting me, brought down its mace with a two handed swing square onto his turban. Quirrel's head flattened under the impact, and blood poured from his nose and ears. His eyes clouded over. Terror returned, and I hyperventilated.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no. I just killed my professor! And I don't know where my friends are!"

"Don't beat yourself up too much, little pony." A stocky, robed wizard with a weird eye had snuck in next to her. "I was a few seconds from killing him myself. Good thinking with the armor."

"AAAAH! Who are you?"

"Mad-Eye Moody. Here, compress this bandage on your neck. Anyway, this piece of sh..stuff here was wanted for murder, dark magic, theft, and more murder. But he's supposed to be dead. Given how he was walking around without being instantly attacked by Dumbledore, something rotten's going down at Hogwarts. Good thing Filch snitched to the MOM, but it looks like we needed an auror here last week."

Moody's eye turned from the body to look at me. His other eye spun madly in its socket.

"I can't place it, but you remind me of somepony back home. But MOM? Auror? Murderer?"

"Yes. Murderer. Quirrel here was the host for You-know-who."

"I don't."

"Eh? I suppose you don't. There was a murderer on the loose some time ago, whose name was enchanted to tell him any time you said it, and where. During his criminal rampage, we all simply called him You-know-who to avoid the spell. Just call him that, we'll understand you."

He continued. "Anyway, You-know-who came back as a parasite attached to Quirrel, and made him do terrible crimes of his own. But he was killed last year by Harry Potter. If Quirrel's around now, I suspect somebody's fooling around with amnesia potions and time-travel. And once I catch them..." He made strangling motions with his hands.

"Time-travel? That's impossible!"

"Maybe in magic-pony-land. But here, the MOM... Ministry of Magic, regulates the use of Time-Turners, an enchanted timepiece that lets you go backward and forward in time. I know for a fact that Dumbledore was issued a couple of them, so I'll have to track them down. You can imagine what damage they can do in the wrong hands. Or maybe you can't, since you think time travel's impossible."

"Hey! I've got plenty of imagination. Time travel's just a violation of Professor Rhu-"

"Zip it. Science. I get it. You can write your formulas later. Right now, we have to figure out what to do." He put his hand down on Quirrel's neck. Quirrel began to fade. "DAMN IT! Well, that confirms a Time-Turner, that's for sure." He looked back at me. "I think I should take you to the infirmiry for the bite on your neck. Then, I'll take you to... Ravenclaw, was it?"

"Yes, the 'Sorting Hat' said so."

"Yeah, fine. This way."

He led me down more of the twisty, confusing corridors. We stopped at another landing on the Grand Staircase. We waited for another change in its configuration.

"Already, this is a huge... mess. First, a transdimensional teleport, which they still haven't found a way to ward against, then teachers acting out of character, so I suspect the Imperius Curse, and finally, a dead bastard come back to life, attacking students, and travelling back in time before I can finish him off. I see a week of all-nighters in my future."

I shuddered, remembering the feeling of having my neck bitten, paralyzed with panic. "Tell me about it. I only slept two hours this morning, and I don't think I can get to sleep after that attack."

"You only have to worry about Quirrel, and I'll track down the mind-magic he used. He won't be coming for you. He was drinking unicorn blood to gain immortality; fortunately, he's the only one doing that. He must have seen you as a target of opportunity."

"Wait, you can gain immortality? Oh no, Rarity!"

"Calm down. It's a cursed, painful immortality only a desperate person would use. And aurors like me track down and put down anyone who would do that. So, odds are nobody within a thousand miles wants your blood. You, and this 'Rarity' can sleep tight tonight. Heck, with the fight you put up, I can discount the possibility of an invasion of Hogwarts via your home dimension, it would be the last mistake You-know-who and the Death Eaters made. Anyway, welcome to the Infirmiry"

I entered the Infirmiry, and Mr. Moody woke up Madam Pomfrey. She set me briefly on a cot, before shaving, salving, and bandaging the wounds on my neck. While she did that, I asked Mr. Moody to fill me in on more details, such as the Aurors, the Unforgivable Curses, the Death Eaters, and the details of his current case. Aside from Quirrel, I'd learned a lot of the other faculty were acting very strangely lately, hence his belief the Imperius Curse had been used.

As we left, he asked Madam Pomfrey to work with Professor Sprout to cook up some of the known antidotes to mind control magic and potions. Unfortunately, Professor Snape wouldn't be able to help, he was one of the suspected affected. Snape, Hagridd, Lupin, and Trelawney were the ones he'd found acting odd so far.

We walked down the final corridor to Ravenclaw tower, talking a little more. Mr. Moody was trying to fill me in on some details on human society, to get me through the week, anyway. "Ok, so it's gonna be weird for you ponies, but you're gonna need clothes. Humans don't go out without 'em, and it's cold here in England anyway. Good thing you came here on a Saturday, you should be able to go to Hogsmeade tommorow and get some. Remember, nobody has classes on Saturday and Sunday of each week."

"That's amazing! We have a lot of holidays in Equestria, but they aren't organized so rigidly."

"Um, sure. Amazing. Anyway, we've made it." He knocked on the door.

The door answered. "What is the root of the firmament?"

He answered the riddle with a riddle. "What has an Auror's badge, no time for this, and a spell to break you into kindling?"

The door opened. "Spoilsport!"

We stepped into a common room. Alcoves full of books sat around the tall windows. I relaxed a little, feeling more at home. A very short human man approached us. "What is the meaning of all this, Mr. Moody?"

"What, I can't congratulate an old friend on his promotion? Again?"

The other man looked baffled.

"Take this new student to wherever Dumbledore assigned her. I'll fill you in on my riddle afterwards. I'm afraid Professor Quirrel will not be joining us, he was very, very late."

He shook a little, and beckoned me closer. "Good evening, my dear... unicorn. Oh, my, Dumbledore said I'd have a new student, but he didn't mention you... weren't a human. Sorry, sorry, no offense meant. Anyway, I am Professor Flitwick, and this here is your room. You will be here with Luna, hmm, looks like she's out, this late at night. I'll have to track her down. After I talk to Mad-Eye. Well, settle in, we'll have this all sorted by morning." The professor left.

Luna! I'd get to see Luna! This was so exciting! None of us had seen hide nor hair of her ever since the party at Ponyville. I waited excitedly on the bed, for my chance to ask her where she'd been. For a good minute or ten. Then, fatigue overtook me, and I fell asleep.

The sun had risen when I woke up. Had I missed my chance to talk to Luna? I stirred, but this bed was very comfortable. I could feel the warmth of the sun on my side and back. I could also hear faint breathing, and an arm on my chest. My eyes shot open and I rolled off the bed.

I screamed. From the bed, a blonde human stirred and sat up. She screamed back.

"What are you doing in my room? In my bed?" I shouted.

"Wait, this is my room!" She shouted back.

"I was transferred here last night! This is my room! And what did you do with Princess Luna!"

"I am Luna!"

I stopped, and bowed. "Sorry Princess, that is an amazing disguise."

She looked baffled. "No, I'm Luna. Luna Lovegood. This is my room. I'm only a princess to my daddy's. No disguise. This is me."

"I'm sorry. You have the same name as a pony I know. Or know of, anyway. I just assumed they put me with her. But what were you doing in my bed?"

"It's my bed. You sleep really quiet. I thought you were a stuffed animal my dad sent me, so I just climbed into my bed. Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was your bed. I didn't sleep very well last night, so I must have been out like a rock."

"And I was up late looking out towards Hagridd's cottage from the telescope at the top of this tower."

"What were you doing spying on people!'

"I wasn't spying on him! I was trying to see the Thestrals near the forgotten forest!"

I asked what a Thestral was, and got way more information than even I wanted. Apparantly she had a major interest in this world's Cryptids, but remembering Pinkie's Pinkie Sense, I decided to humor her.

"Sounds fascinating, really. I may not be able to see these 'Thestrals', but I'm willing to trust you." I said.

"You believe me? You're not just having a laugh at 'Loony Luna'?"

"Why would you think that? I said I trust you, I meant it! I mean, sure, I'd like to scientifically verify and photograph the creatures you're talking about to be sure, but firsthand experience is the basis of science. Just because I don't have an explanation for it now, doesn't mean it doesn't exist."

"It's just, most people tell me I'm crazy for believing in these creatures. And they humor me, and play pranks on me sometimes." She sniffed. "It's why nobody has lasted as my roommate."

"Well, it's their loss." I said.

Far away, a clock began to toll. "Oh, no!" Luna exclaimed. "We'll be late for breakfast! Gotta get dressed!" She jumped out of bed, pulling robes out of her closet. She pulled one over her head, and tossed one at me. "It won't fit, but rules are rules. You can borrow this one until you can get some other clothes."

With some pieces of string, I was able to tie enough of it up so I wasn't going to trip on it. But I looked rediculous. Good thing the only other ponies who could see me were already my friends. I walked with Luna to the Great hall. We were among the last to arrive. Luna offered me a seat near her friends, but I told her I wanted to talk to my friends from Ponyville first. So I sat near the end of the Ravenclaw table, in line with Dash and Applejack on the Gryffindor table, and Pinkie and Fluttershy at Hufflepuff. I sat on the Hufflepuff side of the Ravenclaw table, as there was no sign of Rarity or Spike yet.

"Nice robe." Rainbow was flying above the table, and picked up some of the slack of the poorly fitting garment.

"Rainbow! Didn't you hear that we all needed clothes?"

"Didn't come up." AJ called. "Asides, I got clothes." She nodded her hat.

"No, I mean clothes for the body! Like robes!" I sighed. "We really need Rarity."

Pinkie was about to say something, I'm sure, when there was a massive interruption to breakfast. Owls were flying in from the windows, and delivering mail. I was stunned when one alighted on my table. It was Owlowicious.

"Owlowicious! How in the wide world of Equestria did you get here!?"

"Hoo."

"That's amazing! So why did you come here?"

"Hoo."

"I see. Well, give me the scroll then. Want something to eat?" I took a look at the spread in front of me. Then gagged. There was a lot of meat here...

Owlowicious ate something I couldn't recognize, while I unrolled the scroll to take my mind off my stomach.

To my old friend acquaintance You cold, cold bitch Twilight Sparkle,

Princess Celestia is gone. Princess Luna is gone. You, her precious 'Most favored student' are the only one who knows anything about where in the hell they are. The government is running on fumes. That inbred retard, Blueblood is calling the shots. WE NEED THEM BACK. As his 'chair of the department of hotness' (Which I'm sure I only got due to my looks, as he has been hitting on me non-stop. Ass.) it has been my responsibility to shoot down his moronic ideas. Which he has. All the time. I have also basically become the government, acting in his name. The power would be addicting if there weren't so. many. fucking. details. I'm tempted to move the seat of government into a spa, just to deal with the stress.

And I'm sure I've made mistakes myself. A couple of my decisions have come back to bite me in the backside. But I'm finding it increasingly hard to care. A 4% wheat tax? 5%? There are ponies here, who wouldn't know wheat flour from poison joke (now there's an appealing idea) who will argue for, and I kid you not, days, over a single percentage point on some convoluted mess of a bill, which they haven't even read. Because it is three hundred pages long. And I know there's a difference, and it matters to farmer ponies, but I'm too fucking bored to care at this point, and I haven't slept in days and I need coffee

So please. I know you snubbed me at my birthday parties. I know you tore up gifts for me. You didn't talk to me at school, and gave me the complete cold shoulder. But Equestria needs your help. It needs the Princesses back. I need your help. I am begging you here. Because I am at my wit's end, and one of these meetings I am going to just snap, and the last thing I want to do is fail Equestria because I'm just not smart, or tough enough, and too hungry and sleepy and angry to do this job that's been forced on me.

Your old friend schoolmate nemesis,

Moondancer

P.S. Fuck You!
P.P.S.HELP ME!

I stared blankly at the scroll for a minute after I read it. AJ walked over, and punched me on the shoulder. "Somethin' the matter, sugarcube?"

I sighed. "Just thinking about an old mistake. But I've got to pen a reply to this scroll, fast. Do you have any pen or paper?"

"No, Twi. I left all my supplies back in my room in Gryffindor."

"Here, take this ball-point. I thought I'd need it today, but I didn't foresee it was for a unicorn." A darker-skinned human girl next to me handed me the writing implement.

"Thank you. And you are? Just in case I walk off with the pen, not that I'm a thief, I'm just occupied, right now."

"Padma Patil. I am wondering about what all you ponies are doing here."

"I'm Twilight Sparkle. I'll fill you in later; right now I have a letter to write." I began on the back of the scroll Moondancer sent me.

Moondancer,

You deserve a prompt reply. And an apology. I'm sorry I missed your birthday party the last two years, and destroyed Spike's gift for you. To be honest, the entire time I was at Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, I put my studies far ahead of making friends. It looks like you didn't, and you tried to be my friend. It's high time I returned the favor. Even if you hate me right now.

Princesses Celestia and Luna are here to... give Philomena children. There's another Phoenix at our location. As for that location, it's a 'Hogwart's School for Witchcraft and Wizardry', located in another plane of existence. There is a ritual that can transport ponies here, but it's complicated, and I didn't take it with me. I can send it to you later, probably. Oh, as an aside, could you please get some reparations to a 'Carrot Top' in Ponyville? We may have damaged her carrots on the way out of Equestria.

As for governing Equestria? It sounds like you know what you're doing. I always knew you were smart, but I guess I really took you for granted. I will tell Princess Celestia what's been going on, and try to set up Owl based communications directly between you and her. And probably with Blueblood as well. I'll bet the Princess has a lot to talk to him about. If he's at all like what Rarity told us, I wouldn't wish him on my worst nemesis.

And by all means, relax, delegate, and take some time for yourself. Even Princess Celestia has a bureaucracy for a reason.

But it sounds like you need some real friends. I'm sorry I haven't been one. I'll be sure to bring mine on your next birthday. Or maybe even sooner. What I'd heard here was that the Princess expected to be here for a few weeks. Oh, I know, the Princess might have a list of ponies you can trust! Then, governing Equestria in her absence will be, well, not easy, but a lot more bearable, anyway.

Your nemesis,

Twilight Sparkle

I handed the letter to Owlowiscious, who flew out through the window. I clicked the pen closed, and put it in my pocket. Then I realized what I was doing, and tapped Padma on the shoulder, and handed her back her pen. I took a look around, and saw that the flood of students into the great hall had slowed to a trickle. I looked back toward my friends, and it looked like they all had things to say to me.

Rarity was the last student to enter the hall. The door closed with an ominous thud. Her mane was frazzled, and she had a sleeping Spike on her back. Her left eye was half closed, her right, twitched. She staggered forward, towards me.

"Blood. So. Much. Blood."

She got on her knees, and begged me. "Please please please please please! Get me out of Slytherin! I don't care how you do it, just get me out of there! And the clothes! Hideous! Trampy! Black leather? Lace? Straps!? High crimes against fashion!"

Her tirade was interrupted by a quarterstaff striking the stage at the end of the room. Dumbledore began to speak.

"Good morning, students. I have some bad news. It appears that Professor Quirrel is dead. Or rather, has been dead for over a year. Also, we have all been affected by amnesia potions, so that we did not remember it." The room erupted into whispers.

The quarterstaff hit the stage once again. The whispers quieted. "There is an inquest from the Ministry of Magic! We will not stand for the use of amnesia potions, and the plans of The Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort! The ministry has sent its top Auror, the famed Mad-Eye Moody to get to the bottom of this outrage! So, rest assured, students, that we are doing our utmost to keep you safe."

"Naturally, an antidote to the amnesia potions has been mixed in with your food today. We all should remember the proper order of things soon. Remus Lupin has resumed his post as the teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Professor Flitwick has resumed his position as head of Ravenclaw."

He took a break, and let the message sink in. He thumped his quarterstaff again, for consistency.

"Finally, those of you who have eyes, and are not idiots, may have noticed six new students have joined us. They will be with us for a few weeks. They are ponies from the magical land of Equestria. As with their leaders, Celestia and Luna, a Ministry of Magic censorship order is in effect on them. You are not permitted to speak of their existence to any outside news source. Otherwise, I ask that you treat them as you would any other student. They shall be joining you in classes, go shopping at Hogsmeade, and eating with you, just like any other student. I am sure you'll learn as much from them as they learn from you."

"With this morning's anouncements out of the way, let's eat!" He made to sit, then stood back up. "One more thing, students, today's trip to Hogsmeade will set out at ten a.m. If you plan on going, be sure to be on time." Finally, he sat down.

I looked at the table, and tried to find something to eat that wasn't meat. Given that this was a proper English breakfast, it was very hard. I finally found some spinach, and a little bread. I was ready to eat, when Pinkie interrupted me.

"Hey, Twilight, do you want to hear about how my night went?"

I thought for a moment. "Sorry, Pinkie, this table isn't really set up for talking. How about, when we finish breakfast, we get together at a round table outside, and compare notes on the Houses of Hogwarts?"

"Okey dokey, Twilight!"

Pinkie, with her ability to teleport around somehow, managed to tell all my other friends. I was beginning to tell Padma about Equestria, when I was nudged in the rump by an extremely small human.

"Excuse me, Miss pony, but this has been sent for you. From a 'Princess Luna'." The small man was carrying a plate of round cylindrical things.

"Thank you. And you are?" It rudely scrambled away. I cut a small section of the cylinder out, and took a bite. It was salty, fibrous, and rather unpleasant. I choked it down with a very large glass of water.

"I never thought unicorns would eat black pudding." Said Padma.

"That sure didn't seem like a pudding." I replied.

"Oh, no, black pudding's a kind of sausage." She said back. "Made of meat and animal blood."

I was taking another sip of water. I did a spit take. "I need to go!" I said. I ran out into the hall. I found a garbage can, but, for the life of me, I couldn't bring myself to throw up. The taste of it clung to my throat, and waves of nausea overcame me. My whole gut hurt. I needed to find the infirmiry!

I was desperately looking at the confusing hallways when Fluttershy came out of the door after me.

"Is everything alright, Twilight? What happened?"

"Fluttershy! I ate a sausage! Made of meat!"

She let out a squeaking noise.

"And worse," I said. "I can't manage to throw it up! Help me! You gotta know a trick!"

"How big was the piece?" She asked.

I indicated the size of the small chunk with my hooves. Fluttershy looked relieved.

"That won't pose any danger to your health." She said. "I'll go talk to the Madam Pomfrey in the Great Hall. I'm sure she can get me an emetic."

Why would Princess Luna give me this? I racked my brain, and came up with nothing. But still, it was sent by Princess Luna herself.

"No, Fluttershy, I think I just need something to wash away the awful aftertaste." I said.

"If you say so, Twilight. Are you sure you don't need an emetic? Or even an antacid?"

"I'll definitely take the antacid, thank you Fluttershy." I went back in the hall, and finished eating.

IV

Chapter IV: Shopping Therapy

We were seated around a much smaller table. Dash took the initiative to describe Griffindor. "So. Awesome. Oh, and they have a sport here that even involves flying! I am totally going to join the Gryffindor Quidditch team! I'm going to be the best Chaser ever!"

"You sure you don't mean Seeker? I mean, the way Ginny described it, Seeker sounded more like your cup o' tea." Applejack interrupted.

"No way. I've got me a plan." She tapped the side of her head with a hoof.

"I'm so glad you all enjoyed your respective nights." Rarity said. "Mine was simply dreadful. Spike, would you be a dear, and get me a piece of bread from the great hall?" She batted her eyes at him. He left.

"Did Snape try to murder you in the halls?" I asked.

"No. He didn't say much as he took me to Slytherin." She answered.

"Then it's better than my night." I said. The other ponies gasped.

"That turban guy tried to kill you?" said Rainbow.

"Why I outta!" said AJ.

"Too late." I said. "He won't be bothering me anymore."

"What did you do?" asked Fluttershy.

"Hit him on the head with a suit of armor." I said. "Then he vanished when that Mad-Eye Moody guy touched him." I didn't lie. I merely... omitted the truth.

"You mean that guy who has an eye like Ditzy Doo?" Asked Rainbow.

"The very same." I said.

"That certainly sounds dreadful, but I simply must tell you what happened to me." Said Rarity. "After all, I'm sure you got a sound sleep once you actually made it to Ravenclaw."

"Yeah, I did, come to think of it. My roommate Luna's a little odd, but still nice." I saw their confusion, and cut it off in the bud. "Luna Lovegood. My roommate's a human named Luna Lovegood. Strange coincidence. Anyway, Rarity, you said you didn't even get to sleep?"

"Yes. As I was saying...

Snape rudely brushed me off when I entered the Slytherin common hall. 'Go to room 207. And leave me alone.' The decor was decidedly creepy. The light coming in through the windows was green and murky, and the walls were unadorned stone. Combined with the grim looking paintings, there's no word for it but creepy. Anyhow, I went to room 207. And 'met' my roommates. Spike, fortunately, was out like a light already, and I tucked him into a wastebasket by my bed. I carefully got under my covers. I only saw the one bed in my room, and lots of storage. It was then that one of the oversize footlockers opened up.

It was not a footlocker. It was a coffin. The human within rose up. Goosebumps ran down my legs, and I held myself stock-still. She drank a bottle of dark fluid, I dare not think of what was in it. She knocked on the coffin across the room.

'Hey, Willow, wake up!'

The other coffin opened.

'OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!' she said excitedly.

'Yeah? So?' the first said, blushing.

'Do you like Draco?' she asked as they went out of the room and into the Slytherin common room.

'No I so fucking don't!' she shouted. I could barely hear as they left."

"Stop bein' such a fussbudget!" Said AJ.

"Yeah, that doesn't sound bad." Said Pinkie. "Overexcited, maybe, but not bad."

"Oh, it gets so much worse." Said Rarity.

"Later, the first, who I would learn is either called Ebony or Enoby, returned. She was clearly getting herself ready for some social event. Her choice of attire was unflattering, but I hardly judged her solely on that. She had on black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. She also wore a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. Matching fishnet were on her upper limbs. She straightened her hair and made it look all spiky.

Once she was ready, that's when it happened. She took a razor, and slit one of her wrists. Blood went everywhere. It was then that I noticed. The stones on the floor. They were spotless. But the grout! It was the black of dried blood!

She put on the worst song I've ever heard. No offense, Pinkie, I actually quite enjoyed your little number in Appleloosa, even if the Buffalo did not. She put some smelly chemical solvent upon her nails, painting them black, since she understood a consistent color scheme, if nothing else of fashion. She drank another bottle of whatever substance she had consumed earlier; I'm certain it was blood. You can understand why I did not sleep, even after she left."

We all looked shocked. Spike reentered the room. "Here you are, my lady. The bread you wanted."

"Thank you, Spike. I'm sure the castle's pigeons will appreciate it."

"Ya know," Applejack said. "Them roommates o' yours sound an awful lot like Vampires."

"Vampires?" I asked. "I think this time I'll ask what they are, unlike the Parasprites. Sorry again, Pinkie."

"No problem, Twilight. Everypony makes mistakes from time to time." Pinkie said.

"Well, if I'm the only one who knows about vampires, then I'll give you the long and short of it." AJ continued. "See, vampires are a kinda monster pony, or I guess monster human, who drinks blood. They're dead, like zombie ponies, or mummies. So they're hard to kill. And there's some way they have of turning you into a vampire. Anyhow, if you need to put 'em down for the count, there's a few ways. Sharp wooden stake to the chest, light 'em on fire, shove 'em outside in the sunlight, or chop of their head. Though in general, choppin' off body parts will slow 'em down, at least."

"AJ, how in the hay do you know this gross stuff!?" Asked Rainbow.

"Oh, two years ago, at the Equestrian Agricultural Expo, or EAE, Sweet Apple Acres was set up right next Garlic Clove Grove. Bad sales that year, I tell ya. Anyway, since it was so slow, I got to chattin' with the owner and his son, Clove Chopper and Stake Stabber. I thought the names were weird for ponies, even if they were Lippizaners. So, anyway, those two moonlighted as vampire hunters, seein' as how vampires have a powerful hate for the smell of garlic."

"Sounds like somepony has a coltfriend!" Rainbow teased.

"I do not! Stake Stabber was just a bit too old for me. Besides, vampire huntin' is a dangerous job that don't pay well. Also, accordin' to them, Equestria has very few vampires to begin with, Celestia sleeps in just enough to catch vampires in a surprise sunrise all the time."

"Well, that's certainly food for thought. I wonder if these humans consider vampires a pest as well. Or possibly a disease. Or if they just ignore them." I said.

"Enough about vampires! Rarity's roommates are just jerks! Like some creatures I know..." Rainbow said. "We've heard about Rarity's night, Twilight's night, and even AJ and me. How was Hufflepuff, Fluttershy?"

"Oh, it was nice."

"And your roommate?" asked Rainbow.

"Oh, Miss Abbot is nice."

"C'mon, Fluttershy! You gotta give us more than just that!" said an exasperated Rainbow, flying above the table.

"No, seriously, she was nice, Dashie." Said Pinkie Pie. "She didn't let me throw a party, but she helped us set up our beds, and she even had these tasty jellybeans!" She took out one, and ate it. "Mmm! Jalapeno!"

"Fine. I guess I can't say that much about Ginny yet, either." Rainbow said.

"But I can sure say somethin' about her family. First, she's got almost as many brothers as I've got cousins. Second, they are one rambunctious clan, those Weasleys. Fred and George would be right up your alley, Pinkie Pie, they pull a prank as good as you." Applejack put her hoof under her chin before continuing. "But that Ron, or Diabolo, as he calls himself now, he's acting a mite strange. That boy ain't right, I hear tell."

"Maybe he's a vampire now. I hope you brought enough garlic from your coltfriend!" Rainbow teased.

"He ain't. my. coltfriend!"

"Rainbow, please!" I shouted. "Anyway, we only have a limited time to get ready for Hogsmeade. We have to pick up clothes, and other supplies for school. And I left my bits back in my room. Let's get ready, and meet back here in half an hour."

So we did. It took a while, but I figured out the way to Ravenclaw tower. Applejack apparantly sent Rainbow to fly to Gryffindor to get her supply of bits, and Rarity called hers 'acceptable losses', as she really did not want to go back to Slytherin. Pinkie and Fluttershy apparantly didn't bring any bits.

We gathered together, and joined the rest of the students on their way to Hogsmeade.

Hogsmeade was a quaint little village. If it wasn't for the shale and rock that went into the buildings instead of plaster and thatch, I'd be reminded of Ponyville.

"First thing's first." Said Rarity, shivering. "We must find some clothing. Rules are rules."

"Leave it to you to be obsessed over clothes." accused Rainbow.

"Hey! It's cold out. Don't you go pickin' a fight with Rarity!" AJ yelled.

"Girls, please." I said. "I have a list, and a plan of attack. If we just follow it, we'll be done, and ready to go back to Hogwarts in no time. Wait, where's Pinkie?"

She was gone. Fluttershy spoke up. "She said something about party supplies, and ran that way." She pointed down one of the many side alleys. Great. Pinkie was lost. I held my head with a hoof.

"Ok, if we follow what's left of my plan, we'll be ready to find Pinkie Pie in no time. Let me lay it out for you."

The plan was simple.

Hogsmeade Post Office, to change our money.

Gladrags Wizardwear, for warm clothes.

Ollivander's Wands, since we need a wand, for some reason.

Tomes and Scrolls, for our course books.

Spintwitches, for Quidditch equipment for Rainbow Dash.

And then we try to catch Pinkie at Zonko's Joke Shop, or Honeydukes.

"Follow me, girls! We can get this done in no time!" They all looked at me funny, rolled their eyes, then followed me. They must have been overwhelmed by my organizing skills.

The people in the streets gave us a wide berth. We opened the doors to the post office, and walked up to the clerk. He ignored us. I cleared my throat.

"Eh-hem!"

He ignored me.

"EH-HEM!"

He walked over to the dividing glass, and pressed his face up against it, to get enough of an angle to look down at me. "Oh, didn't see you there. Hold on a minute." He opened a door, and stepped through to meet me. "Name, and business?"

"My name is Twilight Sparkle. And I am looking to exchange money."

"Oh? Pounds? Francs? Galleons?"

"Equestrian Bits!"

"Huh? Never heard of 'em. Are they metal or paper?"

"They're gold."

"In theory, I could send 'em off to Gringotts, and get them tested, but that would take days, miss. Wait, you said you were Twilight Sparkle, correct?"

"Yes..."

"Ah, then it should be no problem. A 'Princess Celestia' left a money order for you. Let me go get it." The clerk bowed, and left me to go in the back. He returned a minute later with two heavy bags. "Here you are, a sum of... Eight hundred, thirty six Galleons. Don't spend it all in one place."

"Is that a lot?"

"It's about four months salary for me. Watch yourself, little pony, that's a lot of money to carry around, especially down some of the darker alleys, if you catch my drift."

"Is there anywhere I could keep it?"

"I could rent you a safety deposit box."

So that's what I did. I filled out the forms, and walked out of the post office with a mere two hundred galleons. More than enough to buy our supplies.

"So, Twi, how much is a bit worth 'round these parts?" Asked AJ.

"I never found out. It would take too long to convert it, apparantly." I answered.

AJ sighed. "These saddlebags aren't getting any lighter..."

We went across the village, to Gladrags Wizardwear. Rarity ran ahead, and entered the building first. She was pushed back out the door by a construction worker.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CLOSED!?" She shouted.

"This building is not safe! Nobody but workers allowed in!"

"But I must buy clothing! It is so cold out!"

"Look, I don't care. Even if you had some kinda pony hard hat, this building is in danger of collapse. Some damn chamber opened up under it, and the foundation is shaky. We have to shore it up! Besides, the owner moved their entire inventory out to a warehouse, there's no clothes here to buy. You can try either of those new places at the end of town."

"New places?" I asked. "I didn't see any mention of them on my map."

"Yeah, Hot Topic, and American Eagle Outfitters. Can't miss 'em. They really... stand out. Don't know who they bribed to get their stores built in this historic district, but it doesn't really matter now. Now would you ladies kindly leave my workplace before the MOM-SHO throws my *** in Azkaban?"

"Come on, Rarity, I'm sure those stores will be fine." Said Fluttershy.

"But they'll lack the old-world charm of a little clothes shoppe!" She sniffled. "And think of all the bargains! Lost, forever... And the forgotten styles! Oh, there's nothing like hunting in the back of an old clothing store."

Fluttershy comforted the overdramatic Rarity, as we trudged onward to the end of town. Hot Topic and American Eagle were certainly hard to miss. I could sense them with a variant of Rarity's gemfinding spell. They were made of much shoddier materials, some kind of sintered, hollow block, fronted with plaster sheet, and then painted and paneled, with some kind of composite glue/wood fiber mix. Very simple flat roofs of asphalt and concrete covered them. American Eagle had a bland signpost, and the Hot Topic had a much more garish sign, with red lighting from some kind of gas-discharge tube.

"So, which one do we go in first?" Asked Rainbow.

"I think," Rarity steeled herself. "The American Eagle Outfitters. A bit generic, but we need some essentials."

"And then to the Hot Topic?" I asked.

"Yes... and then... to the Hot... Topic." was her distant reply. "I was wondering what store exploded on Enoby. I don't think I like the answer."

Once we got in the stores, Rarity was 'in the zone'. She said she didn't 'care for the clothes', but that they were 'raw materiel'. Eventually, I called together a little conference of everyone else.

"This is taking too long." I said.

"Darn tootin!" Said AJ.

"Listen, here's the plan. AJ, Dash, split off and go to Spintwitches. Rarity has all our measurements, and you know what Quidditch equipment you'll need. Spike, Fluttershy, stay with Rarity, and try to rein her in. I'll take care of our wands and books."

"Pay up, sugarcube!" AJ said to Dash.

"I should have known." She said as she handed a few bits to AJ.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"Um, er, well, Sorry Twilight. AJ bet me you'd find some excuse to split off and do some reading."

"Very funny." I said. "But this is best way to ensure we get back to Hogwarts on time. Oh, and I really don't need to repeat this, but if any of you finds Pinkie, try to get her back here. We'll regroup with Fluttershy when we're done."

I made my way to Ollivander's first. The shop was deserted. And creepy. Room after room, shelf after shelf, were pigeonholes filled with boxes of wands. I unpacked one, and had a look.

"Ah, that is an interesting one there. Used solely for transfiguration, by the Smythes, a well established wizarding family. Eight and a half inches. Lignum Vitae. Unicorn Core."

I dropped it. "What?" I turned to face the man who just entered the room. When he saw me fully, he too was shocked. But not as much as when I lifted him off the floor with telekinesis, and shoved him against the far shelves. "What do you mean, Unicorn Core?"

"Hair." He gasped. "Small amount, in the tip of the wand." he choked out.

I let him go. "A haircut better be the only thing you do to unicorns." I said.

"What are you doing here? It's clear you don't need a wand, so I cannot help you."

"Yes, you can." I said. "I am Twilight Sparkle. My teacher, Princess Celestia has enrolled me in Hogwarts. And according to the rules, I need a wand, as do my friends."

He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Interesting. I may have an idea. Are all of your friends unicorns, like yourself?"

"No, Rainbow Dash is a pegasus, and Pinkie Pie's an earth pony, and..."

"Are any of your friends wizards, was what I meant to ask."

"No."

"Then, as I said, wands are useless to you. Normally, I would ask to see each of your friends, and find the wand that would be just right for them. But instead, I will just sell you ash wand blanks. Or... perhaps..."

"Yes?"

"I could sell you malfunctioning, cursed, or otherwise unsellable wands. If a wizard disarms you, and takes your wand in the heat of combat, to use against you, it would be to his sorrow."

"I think I'll just take the blanks, thanks."

"A pity. I've been looking to unload the Baleful Branch of Bloated Bart for ages now. Let alone the Withering Wand. But blanks it is, and all I ask is the price I pay for them. How many?

"Six."

"That will be three sickles, twelve knuts."

I handed him a galleon, and he got me change.

"Before you go, do you need a haircut?" Ollivander asked.

I gave him an icy stare. He smiled. "It never hurts to ask. And I meant it in jest, really. I cannot wait to hear of your exploits in Hogwarts. Which House were you sorted into, by the way?"

"Ravenclaw."

"Ahh, some of my fondest days were spent in Ravenclaw tower myself. May yours be twice as happy. Good day, Miss Sparkle."

"Goodbye, Mister Ollivander."

I had a list to fill out at Tomes and Scrolls. My telekinesis was straining under the load of six copies of the required reading. History took three books, Defense Against the Dark Arts had two, Care of Magical Creatures, one living or animated book. (Seriously? All of these wizards are crazy!) Herbology, Potions and Divination, one each. Finally, Charms required two. All told, sixty-six books were floating in a ball in front of me, and I hadn't even started looking for some extracurricular reading.

My manic scanning of the shelves was interrupted. "Need an extra hoof with the books?" I turned around. It was Luna!

Sort of. I may not understand a lot about fashion, but she was wearing some kind of black, stretchy garments garnished with lace, and black stockings. She even seemed to have black lipstick. With her dark blue coloration this actually looked good.

"Luna! I'm so happy to see you here! I have so many questions for you!"

"And I have so very many answers for you, my sister's little protoge, but I don't go by Luna anymore."

I was confused. "What should I call you then?"

"Nightmare Artemis Sin." She rolled her eyes, and smiled a wicked smile as she said it.

"Nightmare? Oh no! Have you turned against Equestria again?"

"Hahahahaha!" She laughed. "That's for me to know, and you to find out. Why don't you gather your friends this evening, and meet me at the top of Hogwart's clock tower at midnigt? Why, I'll even be fair, and get you your silly little trinkets. I mailed you and your friends the Elements of Harmony this morning, they should be delivered to your rooms by the time you return. Now, what were those questions you wanted to ask? I'll answer three more."

"Err, um..." I panicked.

Her mane came briefly alive, and she stroked my chin with it. I blushed in shock and shuddered in fear, as memories of Nightmare Moon came back to me. My stomach became unsettled. "What's the matter, my little unicorn? Nervous? Cat got your tongue? Don't worry, just relax and let it all come out. You'll find I'm very, very patient. Take all the time you need."

It took me a few seconds, but the mixed messages confused me enough to clear my head, at last. "Moondancer is running Equestria, and needs your help!" I blurted out.

"Not a question. But don't worry. Celestia and I will handle it. That's one down."

"Where have you been all year long? And where have you and Celestia been all day yesterday?"

"That should be three questions, but I'll cut you a little slack. I was away, studying how the land had changed over a thousand years. And making certain preparations. Once Celestia told me of her trip here, I knew I had to join her. As for the past day? I've been mainly asleep, then attending to some... business matters here. And sitting in this quaint little shop, waiting for you. So I could give you your invitation to my little get-together this evening. I do so look forward to seeing you and your friends again."

"Okay... That was... not illuminating."

"I am the Princess of the Night, after all, my little Twilight."

"Has anypony ever told you you're a little creepy?" I said without thinking. I covered my mouth right afterward with my hooves.

The smile died on her face. "A few. Long ago." She shook her head briefly. "But not lately. Most ponies aren't courageous enough to tell a Princess she's in error. Perhaps Equestria has truly changed for the better... but I digress. You had a third question. Ask it."

"What was with the 'special gift' you gave me at breakfast?"

"Oh, ho ho! Celestia told me you were a clever one. That is... a traditional breakfast food here. And I wanted to give you a proper English welcome. Even if meat isn't something ponies usually eat. I'm sorry if it offended you, but I felt getting you acclimated to the... culture here might be useful. But look at the time. I have to take care of a few things. I look forward to our 'little play-date' this evening. Ta-ta!"

She teleported away, before I could even say goodbye. I left the store in a panic, before returning, and buying our coursebooks.

"Heya, Twilight. Luna was sure acting funny, wasn't she."

"Hi Pinkie Pie." I lost concentration, and the books flew all over. "Pinkie Pie! Wait, when did you meet Luna?"

"She just teleported into the alley. I was right next to her, and she was all surprised to see me. She just flew off afterwards. But what's with her clothes?" Pinkie was one to talk. She had an arrow through her head, joke glasses and a nose (which I never understood until I came to this world, and saw a human), and bags full of other joke paraphanelia, most of which was wriggling around.

"I don't know, Pinkie. When she talked to me, she called herself 'Nightmare Artemis Sin'. This is bad."

"I'll say it's bad, all right. That is a terrible name."

"Where were you, anyway, Pinkie? I think I'll need all the girls together if she's gone bad again."

"Twilight, you would not believe the pranks I can pull with what was in Zonko's. And the candy! I got this at Honeydukes just for you! You gotta try it!"

She handed me a brown frog. Why are ponies trying to get me to eat meat today?

"It's chocolate!" She said, enticing me.

"Fine." I said. I went to take a bite, and the frog hopped away. I screamed.

"Pinkie!" I yelled. "I hate frogs! And snakes! Why would I eat a chocolate one?"

"Twilight," she sighed. "I hoped you would like biting a snake, or a frog, and not the other way around. I guessed wrong. But that's ok! I have lots more cool, magic candies for everypony to try!"

"Wait, how did you pay... you know what, forget I asked. Let's go get the rest of the girls. We have to come up with a plan for Luna."

"Artemis."

"I refuse to call her that."

I gathered our books back up off the street, and we went back to the square by the clothing stores. It looked like Rarity was done, and Dash and Applejack had returned.

"We can't sit around here in this street!" Pinkie said. "Twilight wants to have a meeting, and I know the perfect place! Follow me!" She vanished down a street, and we followed.

We walked into the dark, stained wooden building she entered. 'The Leaky Cauldron' was marked on the advertising shingle outside. We sat oddly (aside from Spike) at the booth Pinkie was already seated at.

"I don't think this is an improvement on the street." Dash complained, as she wriggled on the bench.

"For once, I am in complete agreement." Said Rarity.

"Check out the menu! This place looks great!" Spike spoke up.

"That's why I brought you here. Plus, Twilight usually uses a full table when she's planning." said Pinkie

"Plannin' what, exactly?" AJ's eyebrow was raised, under her hat.

I spelled out the whole situation with my odd encounter with Luna.

"Whoo-ee, is that a tough nut to crack. Sure do wish we had the Elements with us."

"But that's just the thing." I said. "We'll have them this afternoon, if the mail arrives. If she's gone bad, why would she give them to us?"

"This is just like when Discord was taunting us." Fluttershy fit in during a short silence.

"It is, isn't it." I said. "So this sounds like a trap."

"So we need a plan B." We all gave Rainbow a weird look. "What?" she shouted.

"I don't know about y'all, but I don't work, or think so hot on an empty stomach. Maybe we should all get some lunch?"

"You read my mind, Applejack." said Spike. "This 'steak and guiness platter' thing they have sounds interesting." I took it away from him after he ordered it. More meat? And alcohol? No. Just no.

So we ate lunch, and tried to come up with another plan for dealing with Luna, if she was Nightmare Moon, and if she was somehow protected from the Elements. We didn't come up with much. We would have several hours to kill at the castle before midnight, and most of my friends had plans for them. Rarity would be modifying clothes for us all, Dash was going to a Quidditch practice, AJ with her again. Pinkie had a party to prepare for, and Fluttershy was going to try to see the creatures kept for the 'Care of Magical Creatures' class. I figured my only shot was to see if the Wizards had any dangerous artifacts around to even our odds against the full might of Nightmare Moon, by taking a look through the library.

We returned to the castle, and did just that. The library was a complete bust. Plenty of interesting old enchanted artifacts, but nothing that seemed tailor made for the situation at hand. I couldn't manage to find the Headmaster's office to see if I could reach Celestia either. So, I gathered with my friends at our table outside the great hall shortly before dinner.

"So, how did it all go? Because my party is all set up!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"A complete bust. I don't have a plan B. But I do have the tiara. Everypony else got their element?" I asked. And got a group nod in reply.

"That's a shame." Said AJ. "Things went well enough for Rainbow. You wanna tell it, or can I?"

"You can." She said. "I kinda wanna hear how awesome I am from another pony's mouth."

AJ Rolled her eyes. "I got in an argument with Dash back in Spintwitches. See, ya need a few supplies for Quidditch. Quaffle ball, team uniform, and a flyin' broomstick. Dash got a ball and a uniform. And how is it comin' along, anyhow, Rarity?"

"I've finished it, and a full set of school uniforms for the rest of us, even if it was taxing without a sewing machine." She sighed. "I think I'll nap through dinner, I'm afraid."

"Anyhow," AJ continued. "Dash didn't buy a broomstick. I was plum confused, but she said she had a clever plan. I mean, I could see why, a broomstick's like eighty galleons, but still."

"You might need a broomstick," Dash taunted. "But I got these babies." She kissed one of her wings. "Hey, why didn't you go for a tryout? You're a great athlete, you'd just need a broomstick?"

"Flyin' through the air ain't my idea of a good time, Sugarcube. Besides, I looked at the rules, 'specially after that stunt you pulled at the practice. If I could use a lasso, I'd be right up there in the sky with 'ya, but that's explicitly against the rules. So, it looks like Quidditch just isn't the sport for me."

"What stunt she pulled? Was it a prank?" Asked Pinkie.

"Says in the official Quidditch Rulebook," Began AJ. "That every player needs a broomstick. Don't say nothin' about it bein a magic broomstick. So, Rainbow's eighty galleons richer, and the janitor's closet's one old, spindly broomstick shorter." AJ and Dash began laughing, followed shortly by Pinkie.

"Isn't that stealing?" I asked.

"I left two bits, I mean galleons where the broom was. That should be enough, right?" Dash asked, a little worried.

"As I was saying," Said AJ. "Dash has the worst broomstick in the world, and no uniform, and she just struts onto the field like she owns the place, and walks right up to Madame Hooch,"

Pinkie interrupted. "OOH! I thought we were the only ponies here? What's she like!"

AJ shook her head. "Another wizard. The Quidditch coach. Just happens to have the same name as great-uncle Hooch, back in Apple-achia. It's no coincidence he's as orange as me, 'course. Anyhow, Madame Hooch takes one look at Dash's equipment, and tells her to get off the field. I beg her to give Dash a shot, and she tells us to convince the Gryffindor captain. And $CAPTAIN agrees, after a whole lot of persuadin', and Dash takes to the skies."

"The last of the bristles fall off the broom, and Dash is just carrying a stick in her mouth. And she waits. They send those nasty bludger thingies at her, but she dodges easy. And finally, they pass her the Quaffle. Once that happens, I can finally see Dash's plan. She just barely catches it, 'cause it ain't designed for hooves, of course. And she just goes rocketing away with it, fast as, well, Dash. And she stops short in front of one of the hoops, right outside where you're supposed to, so you can try to make a goal."

"That Quaffle thingy didn't stop. Flew from her hooves like a cannonball. Way too fast for the keeper to do anything, and went through the hoop. Dash flies around, and grabs it on the other side. And she just hogs the Quaffle. Keeps scoring, easy as you please. And lickety-split. Ten points every twenty seconds. It was regular enough, and actually kinda boring, so I decided to look at the big clock."

"Boring? Boring! What the hay, AJ?" Dash shouted.

"You just kept doin' the same thing! Regular as a machine! Effective, sure, but boring!"

"Fine, I'll mix it up a little at the next match, because I made the team, naturally. Add in a little fancy flying."

"So, how'd your trip to the creatures go, Fluttershy?" Asked AJ.

"It didn't." She closed her eyes as she meekly replied.

"Oh, no, what went wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"Oh, I asked for her help hanging some of the banners and confetti pots." Pinkie said.

"I just didn't get a chance to go yet." Fluttershy said.

"Oh, wait, I know! Since you helped me, I'll go with you when you go look at the creatures." Pinkie said.

"That actually sounds kind of interesting." I said. "And I could use a break from studying to think."

"Well, I'll be getting some beauty sleep. Outside of Slytherin" Said Rarity, shuddering.

"I'll keep watch for you, milady." Spike said.

"Ditto. Quidditch makes you tired." Rainbow added.

"I'll go with y'all too. I can't find my way 'round these parts, otherwise I'd probably try for that herbology place. Since I've seen applesauce at breakfast, there's bound to be new varieties here."

We went to the girl's bathroom, and donned our school uniforms. When we emerged, Spike got a nosebleed. I told him to stop picking it, while Fluttershy tried to stop the bleeding.

There were no announcements during dinner. And I made doubly sure not to eat anything that wasn't vegetative in nature. The atmosphere of the room was fairly subdued, most students seemed more interested in chowing down, rather than talking. We largely talked to the humans around us. Padma and Luna were filling me in on some of the recent news, like Quirrel's second death, his first death, the Sorceror's Stone, the troll, the Chamber of Secrets, Sirius Black, and many other dangerous events that had happened in recent years.

V

Chapter V: Cottage Industries

Pinkie, Applejack, Fluttershy and I went out toward the castle gate after Dinner. As we approached it, an agitated Filch ran up to us.

"Don't you even think of going out of the castle at night!"

"Why not?" I asked.

"It's not safe! And it's against the rules! I know you're up to something!"

"I just want to go see the creatures kept for the Care of Magical Creatures class, Mr. Filch." Fluttershy said. "Can't I go? Pretty please?" She turned on the big puppy-dog eyes.

"Hmm." He said. "Ah, I know. The penalty for you lot sneaking out is to go assist Mr. Hagridd for the night. Be sure to report to him, and do not get lost. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason! And keep a wary eye about. Many frightening creatures prowl the woods, and sometimes the grounds at night."

"Well, thankee kindly." Applejack told him, and we all gave him our thanks.

We walked down the path toward the creature containment area. We could see all manner of pens, cages, and tie-downs for the creatures. "How awful, that they have to use them! Wizards must have difficulty understanding the animals!" Fluttershy stopped near the cages, by a scattered field of pumpkins, and started to look in some of the cages. Some of the cages rocked at her approach. She was whispering 'Oh, you poor dear,' and similar sentiments, as she looked in, even into the violently rocking containers.

The rest of us were taking a look of our own, at the blast-ended skrewts, the giant spiders, hippogriffs, and other monsters, when suddenly Fluttershy gasped and hid behind Applejack.

"What's wrong, sugarcube?" She asked, and we all looked to Fluttershy.

"ohnoitsher" was all she could squeak out. She pointed a shaky hoof out toward an open area.

A griffin was tied down to a huge iron ring embedded in a large rock. It looked asleep. It was sitting half off the rock, in the dirt, at the end of the chain it was attached to. It had a full harness attached to it, and its beak was chained shut. Some kind of heavy glove coated its talons. She looked awfully familiar...

"Gilda!" Pinkie exclaimed, in an unusually dark tone.

"Oh, Dash's old friend." AJ said.

"Wait, what's she doing here? And wasn't she a jerk?" I asked.

Her sharp senses picked up on our conversation. Her catlike reflexes propelled her off the ground in a leap. A gutteral growl was confined to her throat by the chains. Her mitted hands stopped inches before Pinkie, as the chain went taut, and only the gloves kept me from seeing if Gilda did mean to choke her. Thwarted, she fell back on the ground, and began to cry.

"What in the hay did you do that for? And why are you even here?" AJ began her interrogation.

"Mfflwfflfffm." Gilda was incomprehensible.

"Well, let's at least get her side of the story." I said. I focused my magic on the muzzle around her beak. My magic failed. "What? The chains are somehow magic resistant!" I cried out.

"Why do we want 'her side of the story'? She's just a big grump!" Pinkie said.

"I know she just tried to... hurt you." I said. "But there are too many mysteries here, and I want some answers!"

"I don't care about that." Pinkie responded. "But she was mean to Fluttershy! Let her stay here and cry!"

"Pinkie," Fluttershy begged. "It's not right to keep an anyone chained. Even if they are a jerk." She looked Gilda in the eyes. "Will you be a nice griffin if we remove the muzzle?" Gilda nodded emphatically.

All of Gilda's previous energy was gone as she resignedly allowed Fluttershy to unhook and remove the muzzle. She carefully cracked her neck back and forth, and slid her jaw around.

"Now," Fluttershy asked firmly. "Apologize to Pinkie Pie."

"Sorry, Pinkie Pie." She said with a bit of sarcasm and mockery.

"Apologize for real. Please."

"I'm sorry I went after you, Pinkie Pie. I haven't eaten good in days, and I still blame you for that stupid party. It was like a reflex or something."

"Pinkie Pie?" The yellow pegasus said. "Don't you have something to say too?"

"I don't have anything to be sorry for!" She said.

"No, you don't. But you have to accept her apology."

"I refuse!"

"Like I even want that square's forgiveness." Gilda said. "The sooner I can lose the rest of these chains, the sooner I can get away from you lame-o ponies. She tried to steal the friendship of the only cool pony in Equestria, and succeeded. You won. Congratulations."

"In case you haven't noticed, we're your only shot of gettin' free of those chains." AJ said.

"You're gonna do it anyway, 'cause I have a hostage." Gilda wrapped her forelimbs around Fluttershy, who was still in reach. "And I am so. very. hungry."

Gilda and Fluttershy stared at each other for a moment. Gilda let go of Fluttershy and pushed her out of reach. "I just can't do it. I thought you were the lamest pony I ever saw, with those ducks following you, but you put your plot on the line, and gave me back my voice, even if all I've done with it is call you names. Go ahead. I deserve to rot here."

"I thought I was Equestria's top Party Pony." Pinkie was somehow next to Gilda. "But you've got me beat. This is the greatest pity-party I've ever seen."

"Go away, Pinkie Pie. I despise you."

"Well, you've got a problem." She said. "You've got lots of problems. But the main one is this: If you send away everypony you despise, how are you gonna send yourself away?"

Gilda started crying again. Fluttershy put a hoof on Gilda's shoulder. "There, there."

"Please, Gilda," I said. "Do you think you can tell us what happened? How you got here?"

Gilda pulled herself together, and caught her breath. "Yeah, I can't do anything right, but I can do that, at least."

"So, anyway, after Pinkie Pie's party, I left town. I lost. Everything. I just drifted around, and I slept in treetops, clifftops, and cloudtops. I just wandered. Sometimes I'd drift back toward Ponyville, but I'd just turn back. There's just no crossing a burnt bridge.

It went this way for a couple of months. I gave up. I went and stole a cache of booze. I got rip-roaring drunk. And I was going to take Pinkie Pie down a peg. Even if the rest of the ponies took me out for the count. I was flying crooked, and just as I was in sight of Ponyville, a cloud suddenly came outta nowhere, and flew right in my path. I couldn't see anything. But I was hit from all directions. Again and again. Within a few seconds, I was hit hard, on the back of the head.

I blacked out. When I came to, I still couldn't see. I had a black bag over my head. I tried to shout, to yell, but my beak was tied up. I was being carried somewhere, and my claws and legs were tied up. Whoever was carrying me didn't talk. At all. The bag came off, and I was tossed into a dungeon cell. I could see on the way out, that it was one of those damn silent royal guards.

I was in that cell for at least a week. Nobody spoke. Nobody presented any charges. I got out of the ropes and gag myself, but it was no use. Who was there to talk to. It was torture.

But there was one bright spot. There was a small library of books in there with me. I tore a few of them up in a rage, right when I got there, and I regretted it later. They were my only distraction. I read by sunlight, and just slept at night.

One night, after my bruises had healed from the beating I took, I woke up to find a rag pressed into my face. I blacked out again. When I woke up, I was bound up and in a cage. One of these 'humans' was next to me, and I was in some kind of dark, seedy bar. This guy next to me was playing some kind of card game. I was able to pick up on the rules, but the guy was playing it wrong. Like he was out to lose.

'All in. And the griffin as well.' He had a pair of twos. But the words chilled me to the bone. He lost that hand to the one I now know as Hagridd. When the game finished, the giant, hairy man grabbed my cage, and carried me off to here. I wanted to scream, but I was muzzled.

And it's been a nightmare ever since. When I put it that way, I guess it's been a nightmare since that party. I've been 'trained' by that damn Hagridd ever since. And I hate it.

I'm supposed to keep quiet. Nobody's cared what I've had to say, even when I wasn't wearing a muzzle. He demanded I act as a mount for stupid wizard kids. And to do really dumb tricks. At night, the handsy bastard touches me. In places. "Gilda shuddered. "

The food is crappy. He's even tried 'Animal Husbandry' "Fluttershy shuddered. "and put me in with the Hippogriffs from time to time. So I've basically been fighting off dumb Hippogriffs in my spare time.

And now? Some fatass from one of the older classes tried to ride me around last week. Crabbe. I really hate him, him and Goyle, and Malfoy. Heck, Weasley, Longbottom, really, I need to make a list of the humans I don't hate. That'd be, lemme see here, nope, hate 'em all.

Anyway, so I struggled, and got a good twenty feet over the ground, and dropped his fat ass. Then I landed on him, and gave him a good mauling. Or tried to. Those wizards pummelled me with their wands. So, now, I hear they're going to 'youth-in-ize' me. I don't want to be an egg again! It was hard enough growing up the first time, even with a friend like Dash. I don't want to do it here! I won't be strong enough to keep them from hurting me!"

AJ and Pinkie were baffled at the word euthanize. Fluttershy and I were horrified.

"Good news, Gilda, you won't have to worry about being turned into an egg." I said.

"Why, because you're going to free me?" She pleaded with her eyes.

"No, because that's not what euthanize means. It comes from the words eu, meaning good, thanos, meaning death, and ize, meaning to do. They plan on killing you."

Gilda shared the look of horror on Fluttershy's face. "Don't you worry none," Applejack reassured her. "Of course we're gonna get you outta this. Even Pinkie don't hate you that much. Heh heh."

"I don't hate her!" Pinkie objected. "I mean, she's violent, a bully, a grade A meanie pants, rude, and stupid. But there's gotta be something good about her. Otherwise Dash never would have been her friend. And maybe, just maybe, if Gilda remembers what those good things are, she can be friends with Dash again."

Gilda sniffled. "Thanks, Pinkie. I hope I can." She sighed. "But I wish I could go back sometimes, you know? That there was a youth-in-ize spell that I could use to do it all over. Because I can't really remember what it was like not to be a bully."

"I'll just have to show you how to be a good friend, Pinkie Pie-style!"

"Thanks. But how?"

"By being your friend, silly."

"I never agreed to be your friend."

"Sorry, Gilda, it's a package deal. I come with Dash, and Fluttershy too. And friends don't let friends get killed. Got anything, Twilight or Applejack?"

"This chain is as antimagical as the muzzle." I said.

"And it's got no handy catches to play with." AJ said. "We'd need the key to the lock."

"Oh, if only Rarity were here." I moaned. "She could probably pick this lock."

"I've got an idea, if, um, you think it'd work." Fluttershy said. She was standing next to a large axe embedded in a tree stump.

"Hmm." I rubbed my chin. "It'll be noisy. And I just bet those humans will be unhappy if you just left." I pointed to Gilda. "So we should probably run away afterwards to those trees. Gilda, do you think you're ready to run?"

"I was ready to get out of here before I arrived."

"Everypony else?"

They all nodded in agreement. "Let's get this show on the road!" I said. I tore the axe from the stump with my telekinesis, and brought it down at incredible speed, shearing the chain, and embedding the axe into the rock below. We galloped off, with Gilda flying before us, into the underbrush. We could hear behind us a door slam open, and a plaintive shout of "Gilda? Gilda! Where'd you get to? Me plan to hide you from the MOM wasn't until midnight!"

We hid in the underbrush for a good hour. The adrenaline rush was finally wearing off.

"Ok. We need a plan." I said.

"Do you have OCD or something?" Gilda asked. "Or are you just a goody-two shoes egghead."

"Twi is an egghead, sure." AJ decided to defend me. "But you've no right to talk to her like that. And her smarts have pulled our bacon outta the fire more times than I can count."

"Can you count to five, or is it one, two, three, many." Gilda retorted.

"Why you ungrateful! I've half a mind to truss you up like a pinata for that crab-guy.

"Girls! Stop!" I harshly hissed under my breath. "We. Need. A. Plan. To somehow hide Gilda until we can send her back to our world"

"Wait, we're on another world? So much for getting free from you ponies..."

"And," I continued "we need a plan for getting back into Hogwarts. We still have to confront Nightmare Luna."

"Wait, what? She's become Nightmare Moon again? I thought you ponies took care of her for good!"

"Shh. Hush now." Fluttershy quieted Gilda.

"Ok, between Gilda and Fluttershy, we might be able to fly in the rest of us one by one, and get back to the upper halls. Maybe. If a window's open. But stealth is key..." I began. I could feel a chill on my neck.

A creature, made of funeral shrouds and shadows descended upon us. The empty pits of its eye sockets stared at the underbrush we were in. It was drawing nearer, and the chill I felt became stronger. I could hear a soft, keening noise.

Pinkie sprang out of the underbrush. "Ha, ha, ha!" The creature momentarily recoiled. Then it drew forward quickly, and swept Pinkie up. It made to bite her face. "Ha, ha, ha!" The bite was interrupted, and in that moment, Pinkie kissed it on the forehead.

It shrieked in agony. Pinkie dropped back upon the ground as it lost its grip. It thrashed for a few moments, and then burst into spectral green flame. Its shadowy substance boiled off into the air, and a thin hint of a human skeleton was the last bit of it to disintegrate.

"I take back everything I have ever said about ponies being lame." Gilda stated.

"Heh, just Pinkie Pie bein' Pinkie." AJ told her.

"I think we should move, in any case." I said.

We moved around the perimeter of the forest. We stopped a few minutes later to rest again.

"Hey, Orange," Gilda began.

"That's Applejack, missy. Orange is my Auntie."

"Sorry. Hey, Applejack, mind helping me with these stupid mitts?"

As AJ began fighting with the latches on them, I tried to work out another plan. But nothing was springing to mind. AJ undid the last of them, when a black chariot descended from the sky, right near us. It was a strange sight, no pegasi pulled it, and it was largely devoid of marking, aside from a large sign on the end, bearing the numbers 6,6,6.

"Aaah! Aliens!" Gasped AJ.

The door of it swung open. We sunk lower into the bushes. Two humans emerged from the doors. Music we didn't much like also came from within the chariot.

The two humans walked towards the trees.

"What the fucking hell?" Asked the female, angrily.

"Ebony?" The male asked.

"What?" 'Ebony' snapped.

They leaned close, and kissed.

I saw they were dressed largely in black, but not for long.

"What are they doing?" Asked AJ.

"Are they doing what I think they're doing...??" I added.

"You mean, the nasty?" Gilda replied.

"Ooooooooh!" Pinkie began to blush.

"Not very well, if I'm any judge." muttered Fluttershy. We all turned to her, shocked.

"What?" She asked. "I keep a lot of animals around. I think you can do the math, Twilight."

He'd backed her against a tree. "Now that you mention it, Fluttershy" said AJ "Does seem a bit mechanical, to me. Just all kindsa humpin'. I seen cider presses more interestin' than this."

"I know. Maybe human anatomy doesn't allow much in the way of variation. Like porcupines. But if they're anything like spider-monkies, or gorillas, I'd expect them to do almost as many things as ponies can..." Once the topic got to ponies, she suddenly blushed. "Not that, um, I'd know too much about that..."

"C'mon, Fluttershy, you were the school bicycle back in Junior Speedsters." Gilda punched Fluttershy playfully on the shoulder. Fluttershy gave Gilda a death glare. "Sorry. I don't know what I can joke about with you lot yet. And that was a joke. Obviously!"

Gilda broke our silence a few moments later. "So, are we just gonna watch these two screw, or what? If I knew there was going to be a show, I'd have brought popcorn."

Pinkie just passed her the box of popcorn, while noisily chewing her own share. Gilda was speechless, and AJ just grabbed Gilda on the shoulder, and shook her head.

The Ebony girl was orgasming. "Oh, oh, oh!" Or at least faking one.

"Yeah, Gilda's right." I said. "We should leave, and get back to Hogwarts."

But we were interrupted once again. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" proclaimed Dumbledore.

"You ludacris fools!" He shouted. "You are going back to Hogwarts with me!" The two shamefaced students gathered their clothes, and followed him out of the clearing. The girl was crying on the way out.

"Was she crying blood?" Asked Gilda.

"How could you tell?" AJ asked.

Gilda sniffed the air. "That's how. Got a nose for hunting. And it sure smelled like blood. Now, I'm no awesome vet, like Fluttershy here, but that ain't a good sign." Fluttershy looked to the ground and blushed at the compliment.

"No, that's a sign of severe head trauma, or hemorrhagic fever." Fluttershy expertly mumbled at the ground.

"Guys!" Pinkie's head popped out from the flying chariot. "I have the greatest idea!"

VI

Chapter VI: Clock Down, Drag Out Fight

We all piled in to the vehicle. The seats were soft, and comfortable.

"Ugh," I said. "We have to figure out how to turn off this music!"

With loud tearing noises, the music stopped. Gilda had shredded the speaker cones. "Done, and done."

"That's one way to git'r'done. Rarity would have a fit, though. Heh." AJ chuckled.

"Now for the rest of the vehicle." My telekinesis probed the vehicle, and the spell I'd modded from Rarity kicked into gear. I'm not the most mechanically inclined pony, but by cheating with magic, I figured out the car fast enough. "Maybe Mr. Benz there in the clearing won't mind the speaker damage if we return his car to Hogwarts." I said. "Sure liked to put his name all over this thing, though."

"If you had a sweet ride like this, wouldn't you?" Asked Pinkie.

"So. Awesome." Gilda mimicked Dash, as the car began to rise under my direction. I flew above the forest to get my bearings. I spied the castle, and flew the car in slightly above the walls. The moment I was above the parapets, the car lurched, as the spells that made it fly were disenchanted. My horn glowed bright white with power, as I slowed its descent magically.

"Everypony hold on!"

"Not a pony!"

"You know what I mean!"

We crashed into a small fountain. The shiny finish of the car was horribly scratched. The outer body panels were a bit bent. The frame was largely intact. The doors swung out with a little difficulty, and we gathered around the car.

AJ doffed her hat to pay her respects. "Mr. Benz ain't gonna care about them speakers now, I reckon."

"I think I hear a party calling me..." Pinkie said.

"Tiring day, gotta get some shuteye." AJ said.

"Aah! Gotta hide!" I screamed.

"Hey! What about me? I'm wanted dead or alive here!" Gilda angrily shouted. "Where can I hide?"

That snapped me out of panic mode. "The top of the clocktower. We have to go there at midnight to face Luna. Afterwards, we'll find a better place for you. Now, girls, get back to your common rooms, and get ready to face her. I'll bring Rarity when it's time. We meet at the base of the clocktower at eleven."

Then we fled the scene. Gilda flew off, flying from shadow to shadow, upwards to the roof of the clock tower. Which I noticed was already at ten. Time enough to reach the Element of Magic. The door's question was difficult. "What is the nature of phlogiston?" Fortunately, I'd been briefed on today's passcodes. "Erroneous."

I burst into my room, startling Luna. "Hi, Twilight. You spooked me. Where have you been?"

"Sorry, Luna. I've been in a rush all night..." I gave her the brief details of our trip to Hagridd's cottage, Gilda, and the strange behaviour of Luna. As well as a short version of Nightmare Moon and the Elements of Harmony. I began to pack my Tiara.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" She asked.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think so." I said. "If the Elements don't work, I'm not sure the combined powers of all of Hogwart's students could take Luna down. And I don't want to put you in danger, or get you in trouble. But I am very thirsty after the trip up those stairs. Could you get me a glass of water?" She got me one.

"Are you sure? I really want to help."

"Luna is Equestria's problem. I can't just ask Earth to take care of her. Oh, I know. You could find a way to contact Dumbledore, or Celestia. They might know of another way of defeating her, if it comes to it."

I left, and took a sheet with me. I galloped down the hall, and threw the sheet down the grand stairway. I jumped on the sheet, and used it to slowfall down the shaft. I stopped at the bottom, and headed to Slytherin. When I got near, I reached out with a spell, and tapped into the enchantment powering Spike's mailing power. Rarity emerged from Slytherin with Spike shortly after.

"I don't think I could take another minute in there." She said.

"Get any sleep?" I asked.

"Plenty!" said Spike.

"Yes! With such an fierce guardian, I slept very well. Until 'Enoby' came back. Apparantly from a tryst in the woods, with her paramour Draco. Such a dreadful name."

"I thought it was Mercedes Benz..." I muttered.

"What was that?" She asked.

"Nevermind. Good, you're rested. We'll be ready to take on Luna, if it comes to it."

"I sure hope not." Yawned Spike. "And if it comes down to a cool magic fight, I don't think I can stay awake. Where's Owlowicious?"

"He'll be gone until the morning." I said. "You can sleep on my back on the way up, #1 assistant."

He took me up on my offer immediately.

Forty. Flights. Of Goddamn. Stairs. It took forever. Rarity and I were both winded when we reached the base of the Clocktower. AJ, Dash, Pinkie, and Fluttershy were already there, waiting for us. We collapsed in front of them.

"Twilight, you should really race me more often. Then you wouldn't be so tired." Dash said.

"Heh, or she could help me buck apples the hard way." AJ added.

From the floor I shook my hoof at them. In a minute, Rarity and I could stand.

"Well, in we go, I guess. Everypony got their element?" I asked.

"Yes." Was the unanimous reply.

We opened the door to the clocktower. We looked up. Colossal gears meshed with each other, driven by chains, racks, and pawl mechanisms. A pendulum stretched the entire length of the tower.

"Well, I can fly through there," Said Rainbow, looking at the whirling metal death trap, "But I don't think there's an easy way for the rest of us."

"Hmm," I pondered. "If we climb the gears, let the bevels carry us up, cling to the chains, precisely time our way through the descending crusher platforms, past the bone chucking skeletons and nests of bats, dodging the boomerang axe throwing animated suits of armor, making sure not to touch the candles on the walls that are our only illumination, and finally time a jump through a meshing set of giant gears at the top, we can face an immortal, possibly crazy god-empress."

"Or you can use the stairs." Pinkie said.

We looked over to her. She'd opened an unmarked door. It had the maintainence stairway. More #%$ stairs, but it beat the alternative. We trudged up them too.

Luna was resting upon an ornate chair. It was at the head of a dining table, lit by candleabras set upon the floor. The room was fairly empty otherwise. Chairs surrounded the table, sized to fit ponies. She was wearing a metal garment that resembled her ancient armor. A helmet was set carelessly upon the back of the throne, and she was drinking from a wine goblet. When we entered, she spat out the red wine all over the floor, and half the dining table.

"What? I didn't expect you so soon!" She blurted out. "How did you get through the clock tower? That place was a death trap! I mean, I didn't expect it to do more than delay you, but still!"

"Stairs." I panted.

"What? Where?" She asked.

"Over here. Pinkie found 'em." AJ answered.

"I... they're not on the building plans!"

"Pinkie's just like that." Rarity said. "You get used to it."

Luna coughed, and tried to compose herself. "I have set out a humble repast for you. Care for a bit of light refreshment?"

"Huh?" Dash and AJ gave her confused looks.

Luna wiped her face with her hoof. "Care for something to eat? Appetizer? A drink?"

I floated over a glass of water. I was thirsty again. Rainbow lifted up a chafing dish, didn't like what she saw in it, and dropped it. I finished the water.

"Anyway," I began, "I demand some answers! Have you fallen once again? Why change your name?"

"Aah, much better." She smiled, and took a sip of her wine. "Yes, my dear Elements. The power of the night flows again through my veins. I have retaken my place in the heavens. All shall tremble, and know again the Nightmare, and bow before me in supplication and worship!"

"No way!" Shouted Dash. "We bow to Celestia because she's earned it, and because she loves us! We won't bow to a bully! No matter what power you take!"

"Has she earned it, now?" Luna asked. "Just what has she done for you lately? Piled her tasks, and the chores of state upon you? Has she offered you the captaincy of the Wonderbolts, O best young flier of Equestria?"

"Shut up!" was the answer.

"But come, my little ponies, go ahead. Purge the power of the Nightmare from me again, if you dare!"

"Tyranny will always fall to the power of true frienship!" I said. We charged the elements.

I could feel the energy pulse through me. The rainbow power flowed out, and struck Nightmare Artemis. She was enveloped in searing light.

When we opened our eyes, she was still there.

"Did you really think, after being defeated by the Elements twice, I'd permit them to interfere again? Did you really think I'm that dumb, that I wouldn't find a way to resist them?"

"No..." I began.

"Thank you, Twilight. I'm glad that you, the smartest pony I've met in a millenium, think I'm not dumb. That almost makes me feel bad about what I've done to you."

"And just what have you done to her?" AJ demanded.

"Ah, ah, ah, my honest farmer friend. Allow me a moment to gloat, if you please?"

"How cliche." Rarity said under her breath.

"I'm so disappointed, Rarity. Surely, I'd expect you, of all ponies, to appreciate a fine narrative conceit like the villainous monologue? It's simply how it's done, my dear. But let me be brief in my exposition. But first," She walked toward the table, and pulled up another dish. She removed a small dessert and started eating it.

"I may be resistant to the Elements of Harmony," She munched noisily. "But nopony can resist the delicious taste, and marshmallow creme filling of a Chattanooga Moon Pie." She polished off the remainder. "Worried?" She asked Rarity, while raising her eyebrows. Rarity gave an exasperated noise in reply.

"Eh-hem". She cleared her throat of the residual fluff. "I knew you would come to cleanse me of my new-found power at some point or another. But I couldn't have you just running about, that might disrupt some of my other plans. So, I brought you here with the elements to challenge me. Bam! All loose ends tied up. Unless you have a plan B?" She asked me.

"Didn't have time to look one up." I said, with a voice tinged with defeat.

"Splendid." She said. "So, how did she do it, I'm sure you're asking? How did she beat the Elements of Harmony? Simple, they require living weilders."

"Wait, we're all here." AJ stated.

"True." Luna said. "Just as I'd expect from the Element of Honesty. However, you're not all alive."

"What?" We all asked in shock.

"How much do you ponies know about Vampirism?"

"Plenty." Dash spat.

"Do you know how Vampirism spreads?"

"No..." AJ responded.

"Vampirism spreads when a normal pony drinks the blood of a vampire, rather than the other way around. Do you recall my little gift at breakfast, Twilight?"

"Yes..."

"Black Pudding. From Luna. I do so love wordplay, don't you, Twilight?"

I retched. "You mean..."

"Yes. I meant it literally. Tell me, how did the blood of a goddess taste?"

I emptied my stomach, too late, on the floor. "Wait, you're a vampire?" Applejack demanded.

"Yes. I attained the enlightenment of the blood here from the master after I arrived."

"You monster!" AJ screamed. "You don't deserve to return to Equestria!"

"It was not by my hoof that I again gain power. Humans schemed to bring me here, and elevate me to true divinity once again."

"You twist pony souls, and make them thralls!"

"The same could be said of all true deities."

"Your words are as empty as your heart! Equestria doesn't want a Princess like you!"

"What is a pony? A smiling shell quivering for a word of praise, or damnation. But enough talk, time for action!" Luna cast her wineglass behind her, shattering it, as she once more got off her chair. She levitated her helmet upon her head, completing the armor of the nightmare.

"I am impressed by your knowledge, yokel." She spoke to Applejack. "Few ponies know the heirarchy of vampires, or of thralls. But there is one thing you don't know."

"And what's that?" Applejack was in Luna's face.

"That there are five vampires in this room with me."

They grabbed all of us but Spike and me. I struggled to my feet.

"I... don't care." I choked out through my nausea. "I'm going to stop you, if it takes every bit of my magic!"

"I... don't care." She mocked me. "You are my thrall! You will obey me!" The magic I was gathering dissipated. A force pushed me to my knees. Her hair came alive once again, and pulled my head up. "But don't worry, my precious Twilight. So very soon, a cornucopia of delights awaits you."

"As for the rest of you..." She advanced on Rarity. "I do so miss my retainers. A handmaiden, perhaps? You design such exquisite dresses..."

"I'd sooner die!"

"Yes." a dark fire burned in Luna's eyes.

"What else does my court-in-exile need, I wonder. A master chef? A shield maiden? An envoy? A masseuse? A fax machine?"

"What's a fax machine?" Asked Spike.

"Oh, I will have such fun with this. And such exquisite pleasure awaits you all so soon." Her telekinesis fondled Applejack's flank, as AJ put on a brave face. She addressed her servants. "Drink, my followers. It is time to welcome the newest members into our fold."

Fluttershy squeaked, and the rest of the girls screamed. The vampires bent down to attack their necks.

The wall serving as the face of the clock exploded. A stocky man wearing nothing but a pair of briefs came through the glass, getting a hundred small cuts. He landed beside Fluttershy. The surprise stunned the vampires.

"What is the meaning of this outrage!" Demanded Nightmare Artemis.

Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody drew himself to his full short, but imposing height. His eye fixed itself on the vampire before him. His other eye fixed itself on Luna. He grunted in pain, and exertion. He drew his wand.

The vampire by Fluttershy was quicker on the draw. "Expelliarmus!" The wand went flying into the night. Moody reached out. With a wrench, a tearing noise, and a wet squelching he had the vampire's wand. And his arm.

"Nobody." SCHPLAT. "HURTS!" THWACK. "FLUTTERSHY!" SCHLORP!

He punctuated each word by hitting the vampire in the face with his own severed arm. Froth and spittle began to spill from his lip as he went into a berserkened rage. Fluttershy was crying, and holding her hooves over her face. The vampire went down.

"ENEMIES!" He shouted. "I. NEED. ENEMIES!". He advanced on AJ's assailant, but AJ was quicker. She turned to him, and spat in his face. He screamed, as the garlic clove she'd been chewing coated his face. Distracted, she stole his wand out of his robe, and bucked it into his chest. He disintegrated into ash. She pulled it out, and faced Luna.

I was helpless to assist anypony. Moody advanced on Rarity's attacker. He fled. Until his robes held him up, thanks to Rarity's magic. Spike feverishly wrote a letter. Rainbow Dash was leading hers on a merry chase around the room, as he had no chance of catching up. Fluttershy shivered on the floor. But Pinkie...

Her vampire bit her neck, and drank deep. He stopped after a moment.

A look of surprise crossed his face. As blood trickled out of Pinkie's neck, he stared at his hands. I did too. They started to shake. Soon, it became a full, standing seizure of his body. His extremities blurred. Soon, the terrible friction of it shook him apart, and he burst into flame.

"How..." I gasped at her.

"I guess some people can't handle their sugar." She winked back.

Fluttershy dropped her hooves. A look of terrible rage consumed her face, and she flew up out of my sight. I turned to Luna.

"Even if we fail, Dumbledore and Celestia will find a way to stop you. You can't even throw a dinner party, what makes you think you can conquer the world."

She turned herself to me. "You will give me my proper due, thrall! Dumbledore is a fool, and Celestia..." She caught Applejack, as she tried to stake her.

"I am once more impressed with your knowledge of vampire lore. But I. Am. A. Goddess. You have no more chance against me than an apple against a juicer! Good try, better luck next life!" Luna telekinetically threw Applejack out the face of the clock.

"Noooo!" We screamed.

"YOU WILL PAY!" Gnashed Moody. "YOU'RE A HUGE PONY! I BET YOU HAVE HUGE GUTS! TIME FOR AN AUGURY!" He advanced on her menacingly, near naked, arm in hand. But he didn't get the last laugh.

"What's black, and blue, and deaf and clueless?" Fluttershy asked. She pulled the tied rope with her teeth. It came undone.

From the belltower, the huge copper bell descended. With a deafening 'CLONG' it crushed Luna. It cracked the floor, and fell through a large hole, all the way down. Fluttershy landed next to the hole. Tears fell from her eyes.

"Ding-dong, the bitch is dead." She said. Her face alternated between horror and terrible rage. "Now which one of you do I have to hurt now?" She pleaded. "Do I have to put Twilight down?" she sobbed, and collapsed at the end of the pit.

"I'm so, so sorry." A calmed down Moody said.

"You don't have to hurt anypony, anymore." Applejack said. "You're the kindest pony there is." She hugged Fluttershy. "And that's the honest truth."

"Applejack!" Rarity squealed with delight. "How ever did you survive? Did Dash save you?"

"Nope!" shouted Dash. Her vampire finally cornered her. "Need a hand here!"

Moody threw the arm, and the wand at the end stuck in the vampire's back. The vampire disintegrated to ash.

"You never left a friend hangin'." Said a voice from above. "Always liked that about you. Took far to long to rub off though."

"GILDA?!" Dash landed next to her.

"Dash. I woulda helped in that fight, but I was too tired hauling tubby here up to the top." She pointed at Moody. "You could stand to eat a few less apple pies too, AJ."

We laughed. "How did you meet Moody?" I asked.

"Well, I saw you all gather at the tower, and that woke me up." He absentmindedly scratched his briefs. "I was way short on time to get to here. Couldn't even grab my robes. My eye sees everything, even through walls. When I noticed feathered miss shortcut here, I took a flying leap and deputized her. And granted her a pardon from euthanasia."

"Was that before, or after the part where we tried to kill each other?"

"Details. She feebly got me to the top just in the nick of time."

"I wouldn't be so feeble if you didn't eat so much lard!" Gilda sighed in relief. "But you helped me save Fluttershy after she saved my bacon. I'm glad I could return the favor so soon. Moody, you're in an exclusive club. You're the first human I don't hate."

"YOU HAVE SAVED NOTHING!" A very pissed off looking Luna said from the top of the stairs.

"Moody! I saved this! Catch!" Gilda tossed him his wand.

"Stupefy!" He screamed. A red bolt drove Luna back.

She threw a thunderbolt in his general direction. "Protego!" He put up a shield, nullifying it, but was thrown back. "Petrificus Totalus!" He squeezed off, locking her limbs. She merely frowned, and hit him with another bolt. This time, he was thrown off the building. Gilda and Dash dove after him.

"I am very, very cross with all of you. Especially," She glared. "Fluttershy."

"Twilight! Arise! And drink your fill of your former friends!"

From the corner of my eye, I saw something that gave me hope. With everything in my will, I resisted her.

"No."

"Drink!"

"She said no!" Spike inhaled, and threw a little fireball at her face. It made her face a little sooty. He began hyperventilating.

"Spike said it perfect, black snooty!" Pinkie shouted. "Geranimo!" She bounced toward Luna.

Rarity and Applejack charged too. Luna was blinded by her helmet pulled down over her by Rarity, and Applejack charged with a pencil. Pinkie was bouncing on Luna's back.

"ENOUGH!" A shockwave of energy pulsed from her, and knocked my friends over, and out.

"Twilight, you will drink! And oh, how you will all suffer for weeks for your insolence!"

"No," I said, with my will fading. "I will not drink, not on my last sunrise on Earth." The sun peaked above the mountains, flooding the room with light.