All the Worlds a Stage

by operaticphantom

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Changelings, King Sombra, Adventure, Human
Length: 4043

Robert was just your average nerdy bartender, but what happens when a certain trickster god sends him to equestria as a fearsome Dremora?

Robert was just your average struggling actor, trying to make it to the tops in New York. But what will happen when a god of tricks and change comes into his life and mixes everything up. Now he's trapped in a world of adorable cartoon ponies as one of the most terrifying beings imaginable. There will be blood shed! There will be drunken debauchery. There will be FUN! But only if he can survive the slings and arrows of those pursuing him.

Published 2013-12-24 18:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-23 20:37:29 UTC

I swear I didn't touch that

Ah, the peaceful town of Ponyville. So serene, so peaceful. It's every brony's dream to visit there.....Unfortunately, our story does not take place there. Our story takes place in the city of Neighyork, where everything is always moving...especially today. Shouts erupted through the streets, and the ponies walking by shrieked in fear as they saw the rabble of oncoming ponies that was approaching. However, if one looked closer, it could be noticed that the group wasn't a common rabble or riotous ponies, but rather a group of armed guards, chasing someone. What the thing was, no pony was quite sure.

"Stop You!!! COME BACK HERE!!! HALT IN THE NAME OF THE PRINCESS!!!!"

"Yeah, I think I'll pass on that one thanks. I've got places to be, things to see...people to do...Byeeee!"

And with that, the creature disappeared down a dark alleyway, but when the guards rushed down the alley the creature had vanished, it was as if it had vanished. All that was in there were a few cans of garbage, and a stray cat.

"Huh, nothing here after all."

As the guards left, there was a small popping sound, and where once a stray cat was sat a dark figure, clad in black, with horns, a tail, and glowing markings.

"Damn... How in the hell did I get into this one."

Hi there. I'm the thing that was being chased. Sorry about that. I kinda started you off from the middle, so you kinda had a lack of back story...uuhhh..... how about I start from the beginning, alright? Oh, and where are my manners, my name is Richard.

It was a regular to day on the job for me. I worked in a downtown New York bar for a steady earning, but really, what I wanted to be was an actor. From time to time I got some parts, playing background characters, extras, and sometimes, Minor characters, who got more than just one line. I didn't mind, so long as I was on stage, I was happy. But, I had to pay the bills somehow, so I got a job working in a pub. It wasn't that bad really; the owners were nice, and the workload wasn't too bad, but it was something I did in between acting.
So one day, I'm working the bar as usual, when a particularly drunken man walks up to the bar and starts trying to strike up a conversation with me. He was about my height, with yellow and green eyes, brown hair, with a scraggly beard. I expected him to start talking about his troubles, but this guy, for some reason, started talking about something...different.

"So, you heard about this new craze?"

"Pardon sir?"

"This new weird thing where guys watch this show for little girls....what are they called again?"

"Bronies?"

"Yeah that's it!.....You wouldn't happen to be one would you?"

A cold sweat poured over me. How did he know? Actors were an odd bunch, yes, but if this got out, I'd be a laughing stock. I'd never get another part again!!! So, using my best stage presence, I calmly and coolly talked my way out of it.....

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!"

You could just feel the charm and oozing off of me. However, what the stranger said next surprised me.

"No need to worry friend, your secrets safe with me. I too am a brony, so no need to fret."

"Realy? Whew, for a second there I thought that this was going to get awkward."

"Ah no worries dude. Hey, how about after your shift, you and I grab a drink eh?"

"Alright, that sounds awesome! Oh, hey before I forget, can I get your name?"

"Sure, it's Oli. Oli D. Ammara. and you?

"Oh, I'm Richard."

Strangely, when I went to ask my boss for the night off (who was notorious for not letting his workers getting the night off), he said yes! As you can imagine, I reacted with all the dignity and poise that acting had taught me...

"WOOHOOOO LET'S GET WASTED!!!"

Yes....dignity..... And just like that, we were off, a night of debauchery and derlight awaited us. Now this is where my memory begins to fade, because all I can recall was something about a drinking game, a donkey, an Irish nun, a bottle of honey, and, for the strangest reason, ten pounds of chicken feathers. The next morning I awoke with a splitting head ache, and my body felt like lead, and I couldn't seam to even move it correctly.

"W-where... where am I? Oooohhhh, my head....blurg."

"Ah, good you're awake then, said a voice.

I began to get up as I looked up at the source of the noise, my head pounding in pain.

"Is that you Oli? F*** you, you son of a bitch, if you ever convince me to do that again I-... Why is everything look like it's from a cartoon?.....am I on acid?"

Indeed, it seamed that everything was... well, more colorful. The trees, the grass, the sky, all of it seamed more vibrant and full of life than back home, and yet it all was contained in a black outline. I looked down at my claws, surprised that they too weren't contained in a cartoonish outline...wait... claws?

"....... I take it your silence is one of either shock and disbelief, or of rage, am I correct?"

"........"

"....... I'm waiting for you to burst out in surprise here, please don't disappoint me."

It was at this particular moment that my brain finally caught up with the rest of me and began trying to process everything that I saw

File loading... logic.exe not found... system failure.... restart in progress.

*THUD*

"Ah great he fainted...."

Some time later, I awoke from my sudden and abrupt nap... no I did not faint, that is a filthy lie. Getting up, I started to take a look around cautiously.

"You up?" said Oli from behind me.

I totally did not scream like a little girl. It was a manly war shout... that was high pitched.... akin to a small female.

"JEEZUS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MY EARS OH GOD MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!!!"

...ahem.....so okay I screamed like a little girl.... getting back to the story...

"What is this place? Who are you? AND WHERE ARE MY PANTS!!"

Oh yeah, I suppose I forgot to include that I was in the middle of the clearing, with all of the beautiful flowers, the chirping birds, the wind blowing in the trees... completely naked as the day I was born.

"Dude, what the hell did you do?"

"Well, excuse me, but I thought that the life you had was EXTREMELY BORING!!! GAH!!! I mean, one can only take so much repression of fun and life before snapping. So, to liven up your life, I decided to take you someplace...fun!"

"......what.....the actual..... FUCK! Do you know what you have done!!! I had a part coming up for Macbeth!!! And now you take me out here to..... actually, where are we?....Am I about to be raped?"

"What?! NO!!NOONONONONONONONONONONO!! Geez, I'm not evil! I just took you to place where friendship is actually magic.." He said with a smirk

As I began to put the pieces together, I slowly began to back up.

"no..

"yes"

"nonono"

"yep."

"nononononononono fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-"

it was at that point that he literally pulled my mouth shut with a zipper.

"I'm afraid I can't have you do that. This is supposed to be pg rated. But yeah, if you haven't guessed it, Welcome to EQUESTRIA!!!" he said, as he gestured all around him. The woods, at that moment, chose to be completely still, with only the chirping of a lonely cricket breaking the silence. "Wow, tough crowd."

I gestured towards my mouth, and with a snap of his fingers, the zipper dissipated.

"So... I'm in equestria..... If I may ask, WHY?! And what the hell is your real name?!" I shouted at him.

"Yeah, so here's the thing. There's currently a game going amongst the gods commonly known as the Chess Game of the Gods. It's kinda a never ending game where each god selects a champion to "fight" in their honor. And as long as the champion accomplishes that god's goal, they are winning. And my name is Olidammara, god of Chaos, Luck, and Trickery, at your service." he said with a bow. "And I have chosen you, to be my champion, as you've chosen to worship me before. Ya see, all of these gods take this game so seriously, with no regard for anything but themselves. What I thought was that there needs to be some form of liveliness to lighten up this boredom. So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to spread joy and mirth to those who need it."

I stood there, with my mouth wide open in shock

"So.... all those times I played D&D as the sneaky rogue... You were... Real?"

"Eeeyup."

"So, where am I supposed to go.... And why do I feel heavier than usual?"

"About that..... You might want to take a look at yourself."

He summoned a mirror and, barely containing his giggles, gave it to me. What I saw fascinated me, and yet terrified me.

My skin was black, with red patterns here and there. I had gold glowing tattoos covering my body, two curled horns atop my head, fangs, claws, long black hair, glowing red eyes and an imprint of two masks on my right shoulder, like the theatre masks, one happy, one sad.

".... What... What am I?"

"Yeah, I had a feeling that you'd say that. Ya see, I kinda owed Zagyg a favor after messing with him and causing a vial of nether portal to crash into his castle... It kinda led to a zombie infestation, which was rather messy to clean up. SO I let him experiment on You!" he said cheerfully. " Now you look sooooo much cooler!! You're called a dremora if I remember correctly."

".....Really? Your response to turning me into one of the most intimidating mother fuckers in the history of video games is to take me to a planet full of sentient HERBIVOROUS?!?!?!?!?!?!? DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT I WILL PROBABLY BE MOBBED?!?!?!"

"Relax bozo, I gave you some of my powers."

"...beg pardon?"

"Well I AM the god of tricks, so I decided to help you by leveling the playing field. I have given you the power to manipulate your body to change into whatever you want it to be. However, you can't turn into something any bigger than you currently are. So no turning into a giant ass dragon and leveling an entire town. I expect you to find a solution that WON'T involve tackling something head on like an idiot. Also, I've given you the ability to cast minor illusions, you know, just to mess with people. It can't make an entire town fall to the ground in fear, but it should do the trick.... has this made up for the body swap?"

I stared at him complete shock, feeling the power he was talking about coursing through my veins.

"I'll take that as a yes. Now I need you to go to the west. There you'll find a little city called Neigh York. Oh, and don't screw up, I'll be having something interesting come by your way. I'll be watching."

And with that he vanished, leaving me a bit flummoxed as to my predicament.

"Well, might as well test out these powers, see how they work."

And with that I began on my trek to the city of Neigh York, shape shifting into different creatures every couple of minutes, before staying as a black and red unicorn, for authenticity. I swear if someone saw me on the road, they would have sworn they were on an acid trip... a really, really, bad acid trip. Finally, just as the sun was setting (shut up I know I could have flown, but I didn't want to test out my wings just yet), I came upon a small hotel on the outskirts of Neigh York that said "The Lofty Bale."

"Well, might as well see if I can spend the night."

As I walked in, an earth pony with a ridiculously orange mane came up to me and said, in a rather monotonous voice

"welcome to the lofty bale, will you be staying the night?"

Now, normally, I would admit to not having any money, but I wanted to see what my new found powers could give me.

"Yes indeed I would. How much for the Penthouse?"

"I'm sorry sir, but room is taken. You'll have to settle for a two bedroom suite."

"Hilarious, but no. I said -"

it had been a while since I had some fun. Deciding to use a simple mind suggestion illusion, I pointed my horn towards his forehead proceeded to reenact something I've always wanted to do;

"You want to give me the pent house."

"I..want to give you.. the penthouse.." he said dazedly, his eyes swimming out of focus.

"And you want to kick out the pony in the room because he's an ass hole."

"And I want to kick him out because he's an asshole."

Oh this was fun. I could make him say whatever I wanted!!!.... An evil grin spread across my face.

"These are not the droids you are looking for."

"These are not the droids we are looking for."

As I giggled like a mad man, the blank eyed pony led me to the elevator, to my glorious Penthouse suite. But as he did so, another employee opened up a door that led to the bathroom, and somehow, against all odds bumping into me, which caused me to not only loose both my illusion and transformation, but also to fall backwards, crashing into what looked like a VERY expensive piano, wrecking the thing entirely. As both ponies stared at me, first with shock, and then with rage, I chuckled nervously.

"... I swear I didn't touch that...."

"GET HIM!!"

"Ah crap."

"Stop You!!! COME BACK HERE!!! HALT IN THE NAME OF THE PRINCESS!!!!"

"Yeah, I think I'll pass on that one thanks. I've got places to be, things to see...people to do...Byeeee!"

And with that, the creature disappeared down a dark alleyway, but when the guards rushed down the alley the creature had vanished, it was as if it had vanished. All that was in there were a few cans of garbage, and a stray cat.

"Huh, nothing here after all."

As the guards left, there was a small popping sound, and where once a stray cat was sat a dark figure, clad in black, with horns, a tail, and glowing markings.

"Damn... How in the hell did I get into this one."

Author's Note

TADAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! See? I HAVEN'T been idle this whole time....hehehehe..... Totally haven't cried my sanity away during finals.

Now you see me...

Author's Note

sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry for the wait, for those of you who are reading anyway. Been proofreading whilst deciding where this story should go. It's gonna be a funny one

Now you see me...

So, where were we? Ah yes, it was right after the whole disaster with the guards... lovely business that. However! I had other things to do!.....What they exactly where I had no clue, but still, I like to believe that it's the thought that counts. So, now with the entire state of Neigh York looking for a certain demon looking "thing", I thought it best that I amscray before I was brutally stomped on by the adorable ponies of Equestria... You really can't stay mad at them, they're so cute. However, just as I was about to take off (and try out a new shiny pair of wings), I heard a whisper from the shadows.

"Psst. Hey you."

At the sound of the voice I totally did NOT scream like a twelve year old girl! It was a manly war shout from.... ancient Mesopotamia? Yeah, let's go with that. Anyway after I finished my ~~screaming~~ war cry, I looked around for the source of the noise. At first I saw nothing, just a couple dustbins and a shadowy corner. But as I peered closer into the darkness, I saw two blue glowing eyes stare back at me.

"Woah! Who the hell are you?!" I shouted

"Ssshhh!!! Keep your voice down you idiot!! Do you want all of Neigh York's police department bearing down on us?!"

"Well at least you can see me! How am I supposed to trust a voice coming from a pair of creepy looking glowing blue eyes! You could be radioactive for all I know!!"

"Ugh, you need proof? Fine, I'm coming out!"

And with that, the owner of said voice emerged from the shadows. It was a changeling, of slight build, and a scar down its left eye. To be honest, it looked pretty bad ass....wait a minute....

"...You're a changeling..."

"You just noticed that? Wow, and here I thought you to be of a more higher intelligence."

"Okay, first off, ouch. Secondly, why aren't you trying to abduct me, or do some voodoo mind thingy, or trap with that weird Gak that comes out of your mouth?"

"You honestly think I'd want to trap one of my own kind? Now, get rid of that ridiculous disguise before anyone sees you!" she said with no little amount of sass.

"Wait," I replied hesitantly. "You think I'm a changeling?"

"Uh, shape-shifting, black chitinous creature with the ability to inertly cast illusions? Sound familiar?"

"But, I look nothing like you....and this isn't a disguise...." I said, gesturing towards the horns and markings.

"Y-you mean to tell me you AREN'T a changeling?" She said hesitantly.

"Um....yes?"

As the silence began to lengthen to the appropriate measure of awkward, it dawned on me that this changeling had just revealed herself to a non hive member, which would probably mean that I MIGHT be in a liiiiitle bit of a pickle.

"Um, look, I'm sure we got off on the wrong foot, Imeanhoof. So, why don't you stop inching towards me with that murderous gleam in your eye, and we can tal- HEY" I shouted as I dogged a green glob of goo...heh, alliteration.

"You are an outsider, and you have compromised my position!! I WILL capture you! NOW HOLD STILL!!!" She shouted, charging up her horn.

"Waitwaitwait! I'm not going to expose you!!" I shouted whilst crouched behind a dumpster, totally NOT cowering in fear.

"...you mean you're NOT going to try and kill me?" She said, lowering her horn.

"Well obviously not! I abhor violence. Besides, changelings are too cute to kill."

"...you can't be serious..."

"What? You guys are just so cuddly, and you've got those adorable fangs!" I said, rubbing her head. I don't know if you guys knew, but changeling manes are like frickin silk!....so soft....

As I kept scratching her head, her eyes began to roll into the back of her head, and she (I shit you not) began to purr. It was adorable!! After about five minutes of straight up head scritches, I decided that I had won her over. As I stopped the petting, she looked at me with the most heart rendering puppy dog eyes I had ever seen.

".....hhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.....I think my heart just gave out."

"Well, since you're NOT going to kill me, I figure I might as well tell you... I'm NOT really part of the hive."

"....say wat?" I said with a blank look on my face.

'I kinda disobeyed orders, and was exiled from the hive...."

"So, that whole thing about capturing me..."

"Was a ploy to make sure I didn't get found out! I've been living on the streets for a while now, and I don't want to go to jail and be accused of being a spy.....You don't want to know what they do to changelings....."

Now, seeing as this changeling had decided to open up to me, I kinda felt a little attached. So, being the friendly ~~person~~ dremora I am, I decided to offer her a hand.

"So, I'm going to be doing some traveling. I don't know exactly where I am going, and I need someone who knows the layout of the land.Would you like to come along?"

In that moment I think I blinked, because one minute she was about three feet away, and the next there was a strange crushing sensation on my chest and windpipe.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!" She squealed.

".....can't.....breath...." was all I could say.

"heh heh...sorry." She said sheepishly

"So,"I said rubbing my chest. "do you have a name?"

"Yeah, it's Fib."

"Aaaaawww, well that's the cutest na-"

"HALT CRIMINAL SCUM!!!" Shouted a pony officer.

"....Aw sh*t"

... And now you don't

"Woah woah woah, hey, you've got the wrong guy here!" I shouted as I desperately tried to struggle out of my hand cuffs.

"Right, because there are soooooo many other demons lurking about Equestria." said the guard, rolling his eyes in a 'I can't beliieeeve this is happening' manner

"Wait, Demon? I'm not a-"

"PIPE DOWN!! Before I put a muzzle on you!" Said Guard #2 (Whom I decided was going to be called Shirley)

Right. Well, let's see how he likes THIS I thought as I pointed my finger at him. Now, my intent was to zap him with a little static electricity, but instead, it was as if a THUNDERBOLT from Zeus' mighty cheeks came and struck ME full in the face. As the guards stood there, staring at the my smokin (hot) body, all I could do was eek out a small cry of pain.

".....ow....."

"Heh, serves you right. These anti magical shackles will prevent any and or all magic from being used. So there's no way you'll be able to get out of this one." Chuckled Shirley. I glared at him, making a mental note to add him to the top of the revenge list.

A few minutes later, we had finally reached the station, where I was treated to a delightful display of manners and respect befitting my status.
"Put that scum in holding. We'll interrogate him in the morning."
Charming. Just charming.
So, as I was thrown against the cold hard bars of a jail cell, I contemplated my life, and how...fortunate I was right now. I mean, I was alive for the moment, I had all my eyes and teeth and limbs still attached, and I had a revenge list to update. Yay, hobbies!

As I lay there, however, I heard something make a faintly high pitched scream. It grew steadily louder and louder, and I realized that it was headed towards the jail. I looked out of the bars to see what it was, and immediately drew back in fear. It was Fib. Careening towards the wall at about 100 miles per hour!

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh"

CRASH

"WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING!!!" I hissed, not sure if the guards had heard the commotion whilst upstairs.

"I'm here to bust you out!" She chirped

"And you don't think you could have done that any less inconspicuously!!"

"Buuuut I'm here aren't I?"

".....This is true. Now quick, help me out of these before the guards come back." (Man, never thought I'd say THAT again.)

"Why don't you just shift?"

"...beg pardon?"

"You know, transform, shapeshift, that kind of thing."

"You mean to tell me that I could have dome that this WHOLE TIME?!"

".....uh, yeah?"

*THUD*

"Why'd you hit your head on the wall?"

"Reasons.....valid reasons."

"Well c'mon stupid let's GO!!!"

And so, I changed into the classic Pegasus form that I oh so wanted to try out (for the first time no less) and off we went! Soaring through the skies like a majestic eagle...piloting a blimp.

Author's Note

........HOW ARE YOU GUYS STILL READING THIS AND KEEPING UP WITH MY STUFF?! YOU ARE THE BEST READERS EVER!!! But seriously, I'm gonna have to make this chapter short. I got midterms! So, sorry for the short chapter.