Call me Dick

by Raymanguy

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 4278

These are the misadventures of Richard "Dick" a genius by birth, slacker by choice, as he makes his way in life in the world of Equestria.

Richard "Dick" is a true genius by birth, slacker by choice. However, when he finds himself in a world filled with ponies, he doesn't change all that much. These are his stories and adventures ranging from the silly encounters with crazy ponies all the way to the ways he he breaks the boredom in the small town of Ponyville.

BTW, this is an experiment, I've not tried comedy and I'm working to improve my dialogue (If you can come up with a better title for this story, I'm all ears). Each chapter will be a different event from the silly to the mundane turned silly. Hope you enjoy! Please comment, it helps me improve!

Published 2013-12-14 19:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-05 00:26:52 UTC

Why We're Here

"So, let's start with your name."

"Twilight, you know my name."

"Well, I have to fill out this form so I'd appreciate a little cooperation."

"So what your saying is, suddenly, now that your filling out some form, my name has vanished from your databanks, is that it?"

Twilight sighed, she got the feeling it was going to be a long day.

"And I thought we were friends, Twilight. How could you?"

Twilight rolled her eyes, "Just say your name."

"Fine, my name is Dick."

"Your full name."

"Richard Dick."

"..."

"Ugh, Richard Dick Zathandrapuss the Third."

Twilight let out a another heavy sigh, "We both know that's not your last name."

"I thought you forgot my full name, and now your telling me that what I say isn't my name. Will you make up your mind?"

"I will, as soon as you give me your last name," Twilight rebutted.

"You didn't even know last names were a thing 'til I got here, and here you guys don't even have last names, so why is my actual last name so freaking important? And since last names have no meaning here, why can't I just change to something cool like Zathandrapuss, huh?"

"...Rick."

"And while we're on the subject of names, why are you the only one who calls me that, huh? Everyone else is content with 'Dick' or even 'Richard' but you chose that name."

"What, I like that name."

"Well I don't," He said, arms crossed.

"All the more reason to keep calling you that."

"Can we just move on?"

"I suppose. Ok, what is your species?"

"You know that too, Twilight. I'm human."

"See, now was that so hard?"

"Yes, yes it was. I am more than a little sure that a small part of me just died."

Twilight ignored him, "Ok, what is your gender?"

"YOU KNOW THAT TOO!"

"Why do you have to be so difficult?"

"I'M NOT BEI-," Dick put his face in his hands then slid them slowly down it, "Twilight, How long have you known me? Like two months, I've been staying with you. You know more than enough to fill out the basic info portion."

"Ok, I'm sorry. Here, just give me a minute."

"Thank you," Dick said as he got up off the sofa and strolled around the main room of the library in which he, Twilight, and Spike currently inhabited. The main room was large, it had to be in order to fit all of these books. Nothing but shelves of books which were actually the walls of the tree house. Dick chuckled quietly to himself, Twilight really got mad when he made the argument that they lived in a tree house the first time, he was beginning to think that perhaps it was time to bring that back up. It might be just as funny as before or it will become a weird inside joke between them, either way seemed worth it.

"Alright, I need you for this part."

"Why of course, my dear Twilight. I now return to thee." He replied in his best Shakespearean accent.

Twilight rolled her eyes as he took his seat, "Ok, now why are you here?"

"Ok, I'm a nice guy so I'll give you a choice of joke. I can either go the whole 'birds and bees' route or the whole 'I live here' route, your choice."

"I'll take the third option where you don't joke around and I finish this form before the year is out."

"Pfft, you're no fun."

"Now please answer the question."

"I'm here because of the court order."

"Do you know what the court order is for and why you got it?"

"Why I got it, I got it for no reason. I didn't do anything wrong."

"Well, actually you got drunk with Pinkie Pie and vandalized the Mayor's office. When she showed up for work, you and Pinkie were still there and you tried to-"

"I know very well what happened, thank you very much."

"How do you know?"

Dick sighed, "Pinkie recorded the whole thing."

Twilight had to stifle a laugh, "Ok, now back to the other question. Do you know what the order was for?"

"No."

"It's for psychiatric evaluation, make sure your stable up there." She pointed to his head.

"I'm not crazy, I was however incredibly drunk."

"I know, I never said otherwise."

"Not to be rude but how are you even qualified to give a psychiatric evaluation? And since we live in the same house, wouldn't your evaluation by more than a little biased?"

"I've dabbled in psychology and after your last evaluation caused that mare to change careers to become a janitor and live alone forever, the court felt that I was the only one for the job. Biased or not, should a piece of cake."

"I don't need a psychiatric evaluation, ok? Besides, it's not like they're going to send my to jail or something."

"Well, no you're right they won't, but they will send you to Princess Celestia and have her decide your fate."

"Can I take that option?"

"No, just help me finish this form and then you can go, we can do the actual evaluation later, sound fair?"

"Ugh, fine. Let's get this over with."

"Thank you. Now, why did you fondle the Mayor?"

Dick sighed felling that this was going to be a long day.

Author's Note

This was an idea I got during a rather long math class and thought it'd make for a funny collection of stories. I hope you thought this was at least a tiny bit funny, I've never done comedy before. I hope you enjoyed it, tell me what you thought or how you think I can improve in the comments. Thanks for reading!:pinkiehappy:

Time to Get Up

"Seriously, Rick. It's time to get up."

"No," He grumbled through the book lying on his face. He was laying on the sofa upside down, his legs hung over the top and his head less than an inch from hitting the floor. The book somehow sat perfectly still as he spoke.

"Why are you sleeping in the main room anyway?"

"Because my actual bed is upstairs and I wasn't upstairs when I went to sleep. What does it matter?"

"It doesn't I suppose, but what does is that you get up."

"And why, pray tell, must I do that?"

"Because we both promised Applejack to help prepare for cider season."

"I remember no such promise."

Twilight rolled her eyes, "Rick, you really need to get up now."

"Twilight, do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Of course, it's ten AM."

"Exactly, I only went to bed, like," He paused and counted by flipping up one finger at a time, "fourteen hours ago."

"Hmm, do humans hibernate?"

"No."

"I thought not, so you have to get up Rick."

"Stop calling me Rick. I sound like jerk."

"Well, you're acting out that role splendidly."

"Bah," Dick flipped himself so that he now was laying length-wise on his side, resting his head on his hands.

Twilight trotted round to the front of the sofa, "Am I going to have to go get Rainbow Dash and have her wake you up like she did last time?"

Dick rolled so his face was now full of cushion, "Your idle threats amuse me, Twilight Sparkle," He mumbled through several inches of cushion, "But you know that in the time it would take for you to get all the way to Rainbow's house, wake her up, and get back here, that I could do some really terrible things to the organizational system of this library and still get back to sleep."

Twilight glared, "You. Wouldn't Dare."

He turned and looked her in the eyes, a sly smile creeping it's way across his face, "Try me."

Twilight stomped a hoof, "Oh you're going to get up," A smile formed, "And you're going to get up right now."

He turned his away from her, "And how are you going to manage that?"

"Like this." Her horn ignited.

~One Minute Later~

Spike let out a yawn as he made his way sleepily downstairs, his eyes half lidded in disinterest. Once he reached the bottom of the stairs, he turned to see one lavender unicorn lifting a one human, who was clinging on to the sowed-on sofa cushion for dear life, feet first vertically into the air.

"Come on, Rick. Let go."

"Never!"

"Why do you have to act like such a foal?"

Spike sighed, "Morning."

Twilight turned to see him, her spell never wavering, "Good morning Spike. I already put the coffee on,"

"Thanks,"

"You ok?"

"Yeah, just tired. Need some coffee," Spike turned to leave but stopped, "Oh Twilight, you could just lift the sofa too."

Twilight smiled at him gratefully, "Why thank you, Spike."

Dick, looking at Spike upside down, glared at the drowsy dragon, "I hate you, Spike."

Spike chuckled as he headed toward the kitchen, "Good morning to you too, Richard."

Author's Note

A short funny chapter. Well, I hope you thought it was funny otherwise I'm just wasting my time...and loving it!:pinkiehappy: This was going to be longer where Twi drags him out and a bit more dialogue but that ending felt right. Tell me what you think or how you think I could improve. Thanks for reading!

Cloudy Day Coversations 1

The midday sun shone brightly on the pair as they lay on their backs on the top of a grassy hill, watching the sky. Rainbow Dash and Dick were not the closest of friends, a lot of their interactions with one another ended in yelling and bickering. However, no matter what happened at any other time, they always had time to watch the sky. It was their part of their daily routine. They never planned it though, just everyday at around the same time, they would end up at the same place and watch the sky. Clouds drifting by in their assigned air currents was always a great way to pass the time, a time of quiet occasionally broken by words. These are those words.

~~~

"Hey, Richard."

"Yeah?"

"You ever wonder why we're here?"

Dick tapped a finger to his chin, "Nope."

~~~

"Hey, Dash. I've been meaning to ask you something."

"What?"

"How do you get paid?"

"Uh...what?" she said raising an eyebrow.

"Your job is to help control the weather, right?"

"Well duh."

"Then who pays you?"

"I don't follow."

"Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity are the only ones with jobs that involve sales, thus a clear source of income. With you, Twi, and Fluttershy however, you just seem to have money. Twilight doesn't charge late fees for books, she doesn't even give due dates. Fluttershy takes care of a ridiculous amount of animals and buys them food and things but that's it. Then there's you, you move clouds and help regulate the weather. I was just wondering where your money comes from."

Rainbow nodded to his logic, "You've clearly given this way too much thought."

"I've been laying on a hill watching clouds for roughly three hours. I've clearly got the time to think a lot of things out."

"No agruement here."

"So how?"

"Pfft, I'm not telling."

"You're doing that just to spite me, aren't you?"

"Yep."

~~~

Dick pointed to the sky, "See that one there, Rainbow."

"Yeah."

"It looks like a rocketship, right?"

"Um yeah, sure. Just one question."

"What is it?"

"What's a rocketship?"

~~~

"It was hooves down the best one in the series." Rainbow stated matter of factly.

"I'm sure it was."

"I mean, who can say it wasn't the best."

"I'm sure Twilight would find a way but I don't care."

"Come on, when Daring got hold of that golden goblet she'd been after for three books, it was so awesome! Then there was-"

"Again, I don't care."

"-and then that wall fell down, knocking her out and she woke up on a lab table-"

"You're not even listening to me, are you?"

"-and then had to break out and find the ruby dagger which was hidden in-"

"Hmm, the Wonderbolts are terrible."

"-but Bucky busted in and stole the satute of-"

"Ok then. Cloudsdale is the worst city in Equestria.

"-after the Clan of Anin captured the Lost City of Teropia, Daring had to-"

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"-so she had to sneak around the guards to the temple but when-"

"Alrighty then, Daring Do sucks."

"WHAT!"

"Got your attention now, do I?"

~~~

"Hey, wanna race?"

"No Rainbow, I do NOT want to race."

"Why? Is it because you know you'll lose?"

"That and last time I agreed to race you, in the first few seconds you literaly sonic rainboomed me to the other side of town, not to mention halfway into Everfree."

"Oh yeah, but I mean come on, it wasn't that bad."

"I couldn't hear for a week. I still get ringing in my ears."

Rainbow rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath, "Pfft, weak."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Whimp."

~~~

"What was it life like before you came here?"

"Well , when I did get sent here, my hoodie was wrapped around my waist and partically shoved down my pants, my shirt had several long tears, and I was holding a unopened jar of peanut butter. I'll let you take a guess about how my life was."

"Uh Dick,"

"Yeah?"

"You didn't answer my question."

Author's Note

I hope you like this chapter and/or at least thought it was a little funny. I think I'm getting better but I'm not sure. I plan on having another one or two of these types of conversations between Rainbow and Dick, just later on so this is the first. Tell me if you have an idea of how I can improve. And again, Thank you for reading!:pinkiehappy:

Rumor Has It

Twilight took a sip of her afternoon tea as her human roommate tiredly shuffled his way into the kitchen, Dick walked round and had a seat across from her then slammed his head down on the table. Twilight chuckled at the usual morning display, "You're up early."

"Huh, what time is it?"

"A little after one pm."

Dick sighed, "Lovely."

Twilight smiled and ignited her horn, with her magic she grabbed another cup from the cabinet and poured tea into it. She added a small amount of sugar, knowing that he would be going back to bed soon, and stirred before placing the cup next to Dick's head. Twilight poked him with the butt of the spoon, he lifted his head and looked at the cup. He sat up gave Twilight that ever so rare smile, she knew he wouldn't actually say 'thank you' but she always took that smile as one. A question she had been meaning to ask surfaced into her head and Twilight figured now was as good a time as any, "So, I heard a rumor about you."

Dick took a sip of his tea, "Really now? Never took you for the gossiping type."

"I'm not, I just happened to overhear and thought I'd ask you about it."

"So, you listen in on other's private conversations? Shame on you, Twilight."

"That's not-" Twilight sighed, "Why do I even bother?"

"That is a good question. Anyway, which one?"

"What do you mean?"

"There's like twenty or so rumors running around," Dick explained taking another sip, "Everyone in this town is crazy."

"They're not that bad."

"You think so. There's a name for that, you now."

"What?"

"Stockholm syndrome."

Twilight rolled her eyes, "You're avoiding the question. What other rumors are there?"

Dick sipped his tea, "Well, there's the one that I'm actually a robot made by you because you were bored and lonely."

Twilight's eyes widened, "Are you kidding me?"

Dick chuckled, "That's one of the more tame ones. There's another that says I'm a rare form of dragon and Spike's long lost brother."

"I happen like that one!" Spike shouted from the other room.

"That's probably because you started it!" Dick shouted back.

"Whatever you say Richard." Spike replied.

Dick rolled his eyes, "Oh, there's this one where apparently my clothes are part of my body and when I get bored of them, I shed them. Like a snake or something."

Twilight facehoofed, "Who'd believe any of this?" Dick raised an eyebrow and slowly pointed his finger at Twilight, "I never said I believed any of that."

Dick shrugged, "Well, you're the one who started this conversation with 'I heard a rumor' so I think it's a fair assumption."

"But I never heard any of these."

"Then what's the one you heard?"

"Well, It's not as crazy as the ones you said."

"I'll be the judge of that," Dick said smuggly as he took a sip of tea.

"Well, it's going around that you're...uh, that you're dating somepony."

Dick spit-taked, "WHAT! That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!"

"That's the craziest thing you've ever heard?!"

"Yes, it is. And another thing, why the hell am I drinking tea?"

"Out of all the ridiculous rumors about you. That one is the most ridiculous? You're kidding right?"

Dick looked down at the cup in his hands, "I mean, tea. Of all drinks and beverages, I have a cup of tea in my hands!"

"Rick! Do you even hear me?"

"Of course I hear you Twilight, but it doesn't mean I'm listening."

Twilight rolled her eyes, "Why is that so crazy?"

"Twilight, If I have to explain why it's crazy, than you clearly don't know me as well as you think you do."

Author's Note

This was shorter than I wanted but what I had before was too much character buliding and that doesn't 'til a few chapters from now. So, hope you liked it! If you have any ideas of how I can get better please do tell. And thank you for reading!:pinkiehappy:

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Dick sighed as he stared up at the night sky from inside the treehouse. He couldn’t help but be reminded of what he’d be missing back home. Though there wasn’t much he had left to miss or care about, one thing he had was tommorrow. However, tomorrow in Equestria would be just another day. Dick was was so caught up in thought he didn’t notice his roommate’s approach.

“Richard?” Twilight asked.

“Hmm?”

“What’s the matter? You’ve been moping around for three days. I’m starting to get worried.”

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about,” he sighed.

“Richard, come on. Tell me.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“What don’t you understand about no?”

“I understand it perfectly. You’re the one with the trouble understanding it but that’s another discussion entirely.”

Dick turned to her with an eyebrow raised. Twilight pointedly avoided that look and continued, “Anyway, tell me what’s wrong. Who knows? I might even be able to help.”

“I doubt it.”

“Only one way to find out.”

“...Fine,” Dick conceded as he stood and made his way to the living room sofa. Twilight levitated a cushion to sit in front of him, an eager expression on her face. Though no one could really blame her. Dick rarely spoke unless he had a joke to say or an insult to give. It took most of Twilight’s willpower to not go for her notepad. Dick rubbed his face awkwardly as he began.

“I don’t miss most things from my world, if I had to put what I did miss in a list there’d be five things total. However, number four is a hoiliday.”

“What are the rest?” she quickly inquired, her willpower having run out and a notepad and quill already in her magical grasp.

If Dick heard her, he ignored her question, “That holiday is called Star Wars Day.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“It’s a movie series back home about space wizards and laser swords.”

Now it was Twilight’s turn to raise an eyebrow, “Uhh..?”

“It’s hard to explain in words what it truly is as only seeing it with your own eyes, but it’s something I love more than anything.” Twilight watched as Dick looked off into the distance and could see he was going into a memory as a genuine smile sat on his face, a rarity for him. She couldn’t help but smile as he continued, “I was a kid when I saw Episode One. It wasn’t the actual first but it was mine. I was absorbed though I didn’t understand most of it. But when I saw that lightsaber fight with that amazing music, my young mind exploded. Figuratively of course but still. Mom bought me a toy lightsaber that I carried with me everywhere,” Dick sighed.

“Go on,” Twilight egged.

“Well, immediately Mom showed us the three earlier films and I knew that this was something special. As I grew up, more movies came out and we went to every opening,” he stopped, but a small amount of sadness crept onto his face but only for a moment.

“Why don’t you tell me about the movies?”

“Ok, I’ll start at the first movie to come out,” Dick began, his smile returning full force.

It took hours for him to tell everything, he even acted out many of the more iconic scenes. Luckily, Dick knew the movies through and through. He’d even read the scripts several times so she was given the closest thing to the full experience as he could give. She laughed at the banter of R2 and C3PO, she was horrified when the Empire blew up Alderaan and anxious when they were brought aboard the Death Star. Thrilled when the Empire was defeated and Death Star destroyed and all that was just the first movie. The ups and downs enthralled her as much as if she had watched it herself. It was the most fun the pair had shared. However, all good things come to an end and the pair had to go to bed.

It wasn’t too long before the sun found it’s way to onto Dick’s sleeping eyes. He groaned loudly and got up knowing that was the only way to escape his mortal enemy. One shower and a quick brush of his teeth later, he was somewhat ready to start the day. For once he didn’t have his normal hangover which he admitted was a nice change of pace. A slight variation on his usual style was called for. Today was a special day after all.

As Dick made his way downstairs it became clear that something wasn’t right. Neither Purplesmart or her reptilian lackey where around. A quick search proved that theory correct. He concluded his search in the kitchen, still no one. With a shrug, Dick went for his peanut butter and a spoon only to find a note on the cabinet he’d hidden it in. He skimmed it and gained that they were at Sugarcube Corner and that he should get there ASAP. With another shrug, he set off hoping this wasn’t yet another Intervention.

“Hello?” Dick asked the pitch black room.

Light flooded the room as the ponies flipped the light switch and leapt from their hiding places shouting, “HAPPY STAR WARS DAY!”

Dick recovered and dropped his jaw. There were the normal party decorations like streamers and confetti but those were par for the course when it came to this place. What stood out where the very specific Star Wars themed ones. Jedi and Sith robes, lightsaber hilts, and an enormous banner saying ‘May the Fourth be with you!’. The six mares were each wearing costumes of various Star Wars characters. Rarity was Princess Leia, Applejack was Luke Skywalker, Rainbow was Han Solo, Fluttershy was Chewbacca, with Pinkie and Twilight as R2-D2 and C3P0 respectively.

“Buh..wha..how?” Dick stammered.

Twilight smiled and forward a little awkwardly in her golden plastic suit, “I couldn’t sleep after last night. You explained how important this day was to you and I told them. They were willing to try and get this done. I’m still not sure how we did it but we did. What do you think?” she asked as she waved a hoof at the room and her friends.

Dick’s jaw still remained dropped as he took it all in. It was crazy how accurate everything was. A tear discreetly ran down his face, “She would have loved this,” he whispered.

Several of the girls gave each other looks at that remark but quickly stopped as Dick rushed over and grabbed them all in a crushing hug, “Thank you.”

“It was not a problem at all, Darling.”

“Anytime pardner, anytime,”

“Weeee, hugs!”

“You’re quite welcome, Richard.”

“Come on, dude. It’s no big deal.”
“Of course Dick. It’s what friends are for.”

Dick released them, his smile ever present. He wasn’t sure Jedi were allowed to be happy but he was regardless. Perhaps these ponies were his friends after all.

“So,” Twilight began, “Why don’t you and I show them about Star Wars like you did me?”

Dick smirked, “Why not?”

Author's Note

Happy Star Wars Day!

Also, holy crap new chapter! There are things that happened before this but today is the best day of the year so I wrote this in a few hours while doing my movie marathon.

Also also, Dick is coming off hiatus as I go back to my old way of writing this but with more story.

Hope you enjoyed.:moustache: May the 4th be with you all.