The door squeaked on its hinges and swung open to reveal the contents of a modest diner: gaudy plastic-leather booths and yellow signs screamed at the senses. The smell of powdered eggs and the hushed shouts of Spanish swear words permeated the welcoming dining room.
This was Dennys: The bastion of Amarecan dining.
“Why are we here again?” Twilight asked as she shuffled inside in front of the rest of the gang. She raised an eyebrow as a bum slouched over the table, reading a yellowing newspaper that was definitely not published in this year.
“Because Denny’s is awesome. And I had coupons that were going to expire tomorrow,” Rainbow Dash said.
“And we hadn’t settled the score for most daring pony yet, either. An’ Dennys has got them four bit unlimited flapjacks. Rainbow an’ I are gonna see who can eat the most without spewin’ our guts all over the table.” AJ and Rainbow Dash both locked eyes. Guile’s theme played somewhere off in the distance.
“Uh-huh,” Twilight said as she walked up to the counter. “Hello,” she started to say to the hostess, but stopped as she tried to suppress a gasp.
A wrinkly old mare, who was coated in what could only be described as shotgun-applied makeup, turned around to face the six ponies. A wet smacking sound was heard as she opened her mouth to speak.
“How many,” her voice grated. Twilight stood still for a second, staring at the mare’s implausibly large beehive manestyle.
“Uh… Six,” she managed. The hostess grabbed up a few laminated menus.
“I want a filly’s menu!” Pinkie screamed from behind the group. Twilight turned to see her slamming her hooves on the buttons of a stuffed animal crane game, her tongue stuck out to the side.
“And a filly’s menu,” Twilight added. The hostess glared at the pink pony dancing at the crane game’s controls and sighed. She grabbed a colorful paper menu and turned to go.
“And two boxes of crayons. TWO,” Pinkie shouted again, without even looking away. A small pile of toys had already started collecting at her hooves.
The hostess just grabbed the basket of crayons, along with the menus, and muttered.
“This way.”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack pushed and shoved as they half-galloped to the only empty booth at the other side of the restaurant. The rest of the ponies shuffled across the gaudy carpeting. Rarity spoke up almost immediately.
“Oh my goodness. Who designed this carpet? It hurts my eyes just to look at. Eugh,” she said, sticking her tongue out and partially covering her eyes.
“It’s not too bad...” Fluttershy mumbled. Twilight rolled her eyes at the two. Somewhere on the other side of the building, Pinkie squeaked aloud.
As the ponies all sorted themselves into the booth, Twilight yelled at Applejack and Rainbow Dash, who were pushing and shoving each other to get in to the booth.
“Ah want the window seat!”
“No way. I get it!
“No!”
“Yes!”
"No!"
"Yes!"
“Shut up! They’re both window seats!” Twilight shouted at the pair. She flung a hoof out to prove her point. Both ponies grumbled and blushed as they realized they were acting like cunts, and slid into the booths. The hostess dumped the menus and crayons on the table and walked away.
Rarity groaned aloud as she slid into the booth.
“Augh, this plastic vinyl is horrendous. Who picked this color?” She grimaced as she slid into her spot. “The cushion under my seat is so worn in. Do they never change these things? WHAT IS THAT STAIN.”
Before anypony could tell Rarity to get over herself, a young, blonde mare walked up to their table, silverware gripped in an aura of sparkling green magic.
“Hey y’all!” she shouted through a gigantic, dazzling smile at the five ponies who were crowded around the table. “How are ya doin’, my name’s Surprise I’ll be yall’s server today! Are ya’ll ready to order?” the mare asked through her unwavering smile.
“Uh, we just sat down, we haven’t looked--” Twilight began.
“I’LL HAVE THE FOUR BIT UNLIMITED PANCAKES!” Rainbow Dash screamed into Fluttershy’s ear.
“SAME!” Applejack shouted even louder, making Rarity wince.
“Alllll-righty!” Surprise said just as enthusiastically. “And how ‘bout the rest of ya’ll?”
“Uh, give us a minute to decide,” Twilight said.
The server just nodded knowingly and tucked her notepad into her apron.
“I’ll be back!” she said. Twilight shivered at the words that sounded like a threat.
Opening their menus, the ponies flicked their eyes over the options. Just as Twilight had turned the page, though, she jumped at the smile that sat right in her vision.
“Are ya’ll ready?” Surprise asked.
“No, I—” Twilight started, growing irritated.
“Yes, I have a question. Is there anything on this menu that is not fried in oil or prepared from a powdered substitute?” Rarity asked over the top of her menu.
“Hmmmmmmmmmmmm! I’ll, uh, go check!” Surprise said, and tucked her notebook back into her apron. She scampered away and left the rest of the ponies in peace.
“Isn’t there anything in here that’s vegan…” Fluttershy mumbled behind her menu. Twilight laughed silently to herself. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were arm wrestling at the end of the table.
“Hey ponies!” a high-pitched voice called out. Twilight winced in anger and slammed her menu down at the table to yell at the stupid waitress. She stopped as soon as she saw it was a pile of stuffed animals talking. Pinkie Pie’s head stuck through the mountain.
“Scooch your booch!” Pinkie said as she smashed Fluttershy into Rainbow Dash. An avalanche of stuffed toys spilled out over the table and on the floor. “What’d I miss!” she asked, smiling wide. “Oooh!” she cried, without waiting for a response, “crayons!” And she went to work coloring a group of ponies that looked mysteriously like the six sitting at the table.
Twilight just raised an eyebrow. Her thoughts were cut off as Surprise came back from the kitchen.
“Nope, hon! Whatcha see is whatcha see!” Rarity groaned slightly.
“Fine, I’ll just take the double bacon chilicheeseburger, well done, seasoned fries. And a diet coke. A lady has to have some limits.” And with a sparkle of magic, she placed her napkin delicately on her lap. Surprise scribbled on her notepad furiously.
“How bout you hon!” Surprise asked Pinkie. The pink pony didn’t even look up as she scribbled away at her menu.
“Mac n cheese with mozzeralla sticks,” she said through a mouthful of crayon. Biting down on it, she chewed it up. “Mmm… blueberry…” she mumbled.
Surprise, utterly unfazed by Pinkie’s shenanigans, wrote down the order. Finally, she turned to Twilight, her smile seemingly tight across her face.
“How ‘bout you, princess?” Twilight smirked internally and sighed.
“Uh, well I guess I’ll just have the... uh..." She checked the menu once more and groaned silently at the names of the dishes. "The Grand Slam.”
“Right, right!” Surprise said, nodding in agreement. “How do you want your eggs?”
“Uh, scrambled, please.”
“Toast or English muffins?”
“Toast.”
“Do you want wheat, white, rye, pumpernickel, cinnamon raisin, or sourdough?”
“Uh, wheat…”
“Do you want that with butter?”
“Sure, buttered.”
“Do you want coffee or juice?”
“Juice.”
“Do you want apple, grape—”
“Look, just surprise me with the rest, okay?” Twilight snapped.
The waitress giggled a little and finished writing down the order.
“Right! I’ll go put in the orders!” And the mare tucked her notebook away and pranced into the kitchen. Twilight sighed heavily.
“Wait, I didn't get to—” Fluttershy started, but was cut off.
“Hey! CAN I GET SOME CHOCOLATE MILK!?” Pinkie Pie shouted across the restaurant at the waitress, showering bits of blue crayon everywhere. All the ponies in the restaurant turned to stare.
“YEP!” Surprise shouted back from the kitchen.
"THANKS!" Pinkie sat back down and smiled. “Oh, I like her.”
Twilight just rubbed her temples.
After watching the same irritating commercials on the tv play over and over again, Twilight saw as Surprise eventually came out with a several steaming plates. She set the plates down, one by one, amidst the cluster of stuffed animals that lay splayed out over the table.
“And can I get anything else for you ponies?” she asked as the last dish was placed down.
“Yes, I didn’t—”
Fluttershy was cut off as Applejack started the countdown.
“Ready! One, two, three- GO!” and the two ponies began shoveling the hot cakes into their gaping mouths. The sound of smacking lips was almost deafening.
“I think we’re fine,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes. Surprise just smiled wider and trotted away. The rest of the ponies tucked into their meals.
“Rarity, you can’t eat a hamburger with a knife, what are you, some kind of prude?” Rainbow Dash said through a mouthful of pancake. A shower of fluffy cakes rained down on Fluttershy.
“A lady eats daintily. Not that you two would know about that.” Rarity stuck up her nose as she magicked a tiny bite into her mouth and padded her lips with her napkin after swallowing.
“Aw cmon, Rarity! That’s not how you do it. Here, look!” Pinkie said, and with a quick swipe, knocked a few stuffed animals off the table and grabbed Rarity’s burger in her hooves.
“Open wide!” the pink pony cried as she launched the USS Colon Destroyer straight at Rarity’s mouth.
The prissy pony could only scream as the burger smashed into her mouth, showering chili everywhere. Applejack and Rainbow Dash belted out laughing, and Twilight reached around to slap Applejack on the back as she choked on a pancake. She hacked up the buttery chunk on the plate and kept coughing.
“You gotta eat that for it to count.” Rainbow pointed at the chunk with her mouth full of pancakes. Applejack, seemingly unfazed that she had almost died, scooped up the morsel and shoved it back in her mouth, chewing loudly with her mouth open.
“See! Ah ain’t no lightweight! Waitress, more pancakes!” Applejack shouted across the restaurant, knocking over several more stuffed animals with her hoof.
Twilight just ate her eggs in silence.
A half hour and twelve plates apiece later, AJ and Dash sat, bloated, trying to shovel more into their mouth between ragged breaths.
“C’mon… Give up. You know you can’t… keep going.” Rainbow shoveled the last pancake into her mouth and groaned as she tried to chew and swallow.
“Ponyfeathers. You’re lookin’… pretty weak there, Rainbow,” Applejack retorted and also consumed her last flapjack through thick gasping.
As the last bit slid down her throat, AJ caught her breath and pointed to Pinkie. Pinkie nodded at the signal.
“WAITRESS. ANOTHER ROUND!”
Applejack and Dash stared each other down once more. Rarity was still wiping up the mess of chili from various places and Twilight just sat with her head in a hoof, watching the same repeated diner commercials on the television. Fluttershy had resorted to eating the soup crackers that had been left on the table.
Instead of a bright, cheery waitress, though, a hulking form approached the six ponies.
“Ahem. Ladies, I think you’ve had enough for today.” As the ponies looked up, up, they spotted a very large, chestnut-colored minotaur with a tiny little tie wrapped tightly around his neck. He was looking down with his arms crossed.
“An’ who are you, the PANCAKE POLICE?” Applejack shouted, shifting her mass in the booth. She struggled to get up, and eventually gave up, panting heavily.
“Yeh, the menu says “unlimited” pancakes. That means they’re unlimited. That means there’s no end. You know that, right buddy?” Rainbow cocked an eyebrow at the manager. “C’mon that’s like, first grade stuff.”
The minotaur sighed and pulled a menu out of the hooves of a very startled pony at the next table. Pointing out a line of text, he showed it to the mares.
The words “Restrictions may apply” stood in bold letters.
“That’s enough for you. Please go pay your tab and be on your way,” the manager added briskly.
“Nuh uh!” Rainbow said, straining her wings to flap. “Buck you! Nopony tells me when I’ve had enough! I’ll decide when I’ve had enough!” And with a strained beat of wings, Rainbow launched out of the booth.
Applejack followed suit, yelling and shouting, elbowing Rarity and Twilight out of the way as she squeezed her way past the manager.
“Hey!” the manager cried as the two shoved their way into the kitchen, chanted on by Pinkie Pie. The minotaur threw down the menu and chased after the ponies. A banging of pots, pans and smashing dishes were heard as shouts and curses echoed in the kitchen.
“Check, please!” Pinkie cried to the hostess, who just stood behind the register and looked as sour as ever. “Hey, do you think they’ll still let us use Rainbow’s coupons?" the pink pony questioned, whipping around to the other three. "I used all my money on the crane machine." She picked up and began chewing on the end of a green crayon.
Twilight smashed her face into her hoof.
