Walk your damn dog!

by Kafkasaurous

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1156

When Luna becomes too lazy to walk her "great big angel" he suddenly becomes my great big burden.

My sister has been neglecting her responsibilities lately.
Naturally they then fall to me, so not only am I stuck controlling the sun and the moon, but I have to take care of her stupid mutt too.
I said she is neglecting her responsibilities and I do mean it.

All 15 tons of stupid, drooling, responsibility.

Slapstick and poop jokes!
Mature for language.

Published 2013-12-13 15:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-13 15:00:03 UTC

Luna, I'm serious.

"LUNA!!! LLLUUUUNNNNAAAAAAAA!!!! WHERE THE SWEET SHITTING ME MUFFINS ARE YOU???"

I am officially getting angry now. This is the third time this week this damn dog has ruined a public structure.

"LUNA!! COME GET YOUR US-FORSAKEN DOG BEFORE I SEND HIM AND YOU AND THE ENTIRE MOTHERLOVING CASTLE TO THE FREAKING MOON!"

If I have to walk this idiot mutt one more time I swear we are having dog steaks TONIGHT!

My sister is always pawning off her responsibilities on me, she never holds court anymore, I have to meet with all the ministers by myself, I even have to lower the moon for her cause she is always off somewhere napping.

This is the last room I am checking before I send out a royal search party to find her.

I swing the door open and shout. "LUNA! I'M GETTING REALLY TIRED OF THIS!"

She isn't in here either. Does nobody keep track of her? She is a big blue alicorn princess for goodness sake.

I turn around and feel something stab me right in the eye.

"Big Sister, did you need me?" It's Luna, she is wearing the same cocky smirk she always does when she knows I am about to blow my fuse.

"How many times have I told you to watch where you are pointing that horn of yours? Seriously, you are the only pony around that can even reach my face and you are always sneaking up on me."

She does that on purpose. It has to be on purpose.

"Luna, your stupid mutt ate another church."

She is looking up at me with that pout. I can't resist that pout. I hate that pout so much.

"Not poor Cerberus, he's a great big angel." She says.

"Luna, your great big angel got off his great big leash and left a great big dookie on top of a jewelry store. I'm not walking him again."

"Yours or mine?"

"Pardon?"

"Yours or mine? Was it a Sun or Moon congregation?" Luna is walking down the great hallway, I assume we are going to check on Cerberus.

"It was one of mine, I caught him just as he was about to swallow the last piece of the statue of me. I quite literally saved my own ass."

I thought for another moment. "You might want to keep an eye on his poops for a couple of days, I'm quite certain he ate my horn and I am absolutely not explaining that to the royal veterinarian."

Luna giggled, she never takes these things seriously.

"And speaking of the veterinarian, you still haven't gotten him fixed. I'm making him an appointment this week."

Luna tossed her mane and put her nose in the air. "I am not going to let you mutilate my dog. There is nothing wrong with him the way he is."

"You might wanna tell that to the secretary of agriculture's border collie, and the castle janitors, and DAMMIT LUNA, QUIT LAUGHING THIS IS SERIOUS!"

We turned down a corridor leading to the castle garden.

"I'm serious Luna, if you don't start taking care of him I know Starswirl has always wanted a hellhound."

"YOU WOULDN'T!" Luna came to a dead halt and spun around in front of me.

"FOR SHIT SAKE LUNA! THATS THE SAME FRIGGIN EYE AGAIN!" It's a wonder I'm not blind by now.

"That gross wizard guy with the crusty beard? Who knows what kind of creepy spells he'll cast on my little angel."

"THEN WALK YOUR OWN DAMN DOG!" Have I mentioned yet how frustrated I am with this entire situation?

One of these days I really am going to send her AND that piss-reeking mutt she never bathes to the moon. Or maybe just her, it would be easier to get rid of that dog if I knew I wouldn't have to listen to her whine about it afterward.

We came to the end of the corridor and opened the giant gold embellished doors to walk outside.

"Speak of the devil and he doth appear." The ground shook as the giant three-headed drool beast busily set to work digging up my day lilies. And the rest of the castle sculpture garden.

"Hey there baby, come to mama!" Luna called. All three sets of ears perked up at once and he was suddenly charging straight at us.

Falling to the ground with an impact that certainly shook the castle's foundation Cerberus flopped onto his back and Luna began to rub his massive belly.

"Luna, you are so good with him and he only ever comes when you call him, what is so hard about it that you can't grab his leash and take him out once a day?"

"Sister, you know how busy it gets being a princess, and how tiring it can be. Besides, can't we just hire somepony to walk him each day?" Luna said to me with a wide grin, still rubbing the poo-beast's belly.

"I know exactly how hard it is to be a princess because I do the job of two of them. If only there were somepony else around who could help me out a little bit." I seethed through my teeth at her.

Luna's cocky smirk returned. "Perhaps you need to get one of those little dragon assistants I see ponies walking around with."

I can feel a migraine coming on. "And the reason we can't just hire a royal dog walker is that, for some reason, ponies don't tend to accept job offers when everypony else who held the position became a chew toy for a 15 ton, three headed demon dog."

Luna scoffed. "Whatever sis, like we don't have a thousand suits of armor lying around the castle collecting dust."

I wasn't joking about the 15 ton thing either, we had him weighed, he weighs the same as two bull elephants.

I whistled for a nearby guard.

"Yes Your Majesty?" Said the tall brown pegasus in golden armor.

"Cerberus dug out of his fence again. Get the landscaping crew to come in and fix the hole. See if you can fill it with lead or something this time so he can't dig back through it."

"Right away Your Majesty." he said before taking to the air.

I immediately called him back. "Scratch the thing about the lead, he'll probably just wind up eating it and like hell do I want this thing getting any dumber."

"Oh, and Luna, I have one more thing before I forget. I need your signature on this."

Luna sighed and ushered the dog away. It jumped to it's feet and tore off, no doubt to fill a skate park with some foul bodily function or other. "More paperwork sister? What is it this time?"

"A sympathy card for the minister of agriculture's dog."

Luna spun on her heels to face me.

"SON OF A BITCH!!! THE SAME DAMN EYE!!!"