CAPS LOCK

by Final Draft

Rating: teen
Tags: Cheerilee, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 19350

The CMC learn the hard way that you should never feed a troll.

Think of everything you hate about people online. Now bundle up all those bad traits and throw it into a pony. You now have Caps Lock: an over opinionated, egotistic pony that simply enjoys the anguish of others.

Now throw that pony into Ponyville Elementary School, and you get this story.

Cover art thanks to IJAB. Click for better resolution.
Rated Teen for some course language, mature themes, and overall inappropriateness.

Published 2013-12-14 03:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-02 18:33:28 UTC

II: You Mad?

“Ah don’t get it,” Apple Bloom said, looking at the crowd gathered around the new student. “Why’d he act like that?”

“And why does everypony think he’s sooo funny?” Scootaloo asked.

“Isn’t it obvious? He has a very advanced sense of humor.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders turned to see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon eavesdropping on their conversation. The two looked just as smug as ever, and pushed past the fillies.

“And unlike some losers here, he has his cutie mark,” Diamond Tiara said, pointing over at the colt’s flank. The cutie mark that represented Caps Lock’s special talent (of which none knew for sure) looked like the leaves of a four leaf clover without a stem.

“We’re going over to introduce ourselves!” Silver Spoon said, and the two fillies strutted toward the gathering of colts. The group, which had been laughing uproariously at some of Caps Lock’s antics, suddenly went quiet.

“Hello!” Diamond Tiara said, addressing the new student. “I’m Diamond Tiara, and this is—”

“DON’T CARE! TITS OR GTFO!” Caps Lock shouted, interrupting the filly. She simply looked at him in shock as the group of colts laughed.

“Excuse me, what?” Diamond Tiara asked shrilly, wide eyed at the colt’s ultimatum. “What did you just ask for?”

“He said, tits or GTFO!” one of the other classmates replied. Caps Lock looked to the colt angrily and pushed him out of the circle.

“BANNED FOR OFFENSIVE COMMENT!” Caps Lock shouted.

The colt stood up and looked at Caps Lock in confusion. “But, but, all I did was say what you said!”

“PERMA BAN!” Caps Lock shouted. “ARGUING WITH ADMIN!”

“Wait! But—!”

“THREAD CLOSED!” Caps Lock shouted, and trotted away from the confused group. He made his way past Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom, stopping only briefly to size them up. They looked at him warily, hoping he wouldn’t have another strange outburst. After a moment, he smiled at them, raised his eyebrows twice, and trotted back into the school building.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about him,” Sweetie Belle said to the others. They nodded in agreement before being pushed out of the way by an absolutely livid Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They stomped into the school building just as the bell rang to mark the end of recess.

Back in the classroom, Cherilee had managed to recompose herself, and she sat up straight in her chair. She fumbled clumsily with her desk drawer before standing to address the class.

“Welcome back class!” she said as cheerfully as she could. “I’ve decided instead of math, you can all just come to the front of the room, and tell your classmates how you spent your weekend! Doesn’t that sound fun?”

The class was actually pleased with the change in the lesson plan, and began to chatter excitedly. “I think Caps Lock should go first!” Diamond Tiara said above the noise. “After all, he’s the new student!”

Cherilee looked at Diamond Tiara with a death glare before mumbling in monotone, “Yes, that’s a wonderful idea. Caps Lock? Can you come to the front of the room?”

Loving to be the center of attention, Caps Lock rushed to the front of the class. He cleared his throat loudly before speaking in a tone a few decibels quieter than usual. “I spent my weekend playing Battle Stallion 3! I got my K/D up to 3.5!”

“Is that all you did? Play that violent video game?” Cherilee asked in disgust, appalled any parent would buy their colt an M rated game.

Caps Lock thought for a moment, and at last a look of inspiration came to his face. “AND I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

Once again, the immature class found the new student’s taste of humor absolutely hilarious. The teacher however, did not.

“Caps Lock! Go to your seat!” the teacher shouted, a vein on her forehead throbbing violently. Caps Lock did a small jig, smiling up at the teacher with his almost cartoonish grin, before racing back to his seat.

“Can…can I go next?” Feather Weight asked, raising his hoof timidly. Cherilee’s glare changed to a warm smile as she looked at one of her more well-behaved students.

“Sure,” she replied happily, “Please go ahead.”

Feather Weight shakily approached the front of the class room and Caps Lock blew a loud raspberry. Naturally, laughter followed. Cherilee gave an encouraging nod to Feather Weight, and a death stare to Caps Lock.

“I visited Canterlot with my parents over the weekend,” Feather Weight began. The whole while he spoke, Caps Lock mimicked him in a nasally voice. “I even got to meet Princess Celestia.

“WHOA! PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!” Caps Lock interrupted.

Feather Weight, whose talent was photography, reached into his bag and removed photographic proof of his encounter with Equestria’s ruler.

“SHOPPED!” Caps Lock shouted, glancing away from the photos. “YOU CAN TELL BY THE PIXELS!”

“What? No, these are real,” Feather Weight objected. “I took them myself.”

“That’s very nice, thank you Feather Weight,” Cherilee said. “Can you do me a favor and switch seats with CAPSLOCKWHATAREYOUDOING?!”

The colt had removed a pair of scissors from his school bag and had taken to cutting the back of Sweetie Belle’s mane. She turned and screamed when she saw a pile of her own hair on his desk.

“CAPS LOCK! SIT UP HERE NOW!” Cherilee shouted, indicating to Feather Weight’s desk.

“Sheesh, no need to yell,” Caps Lock said, tossing the scissors back into his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. The teacher nearly exploded.

Feather Weight made his way cautiously around Caps Lock, and Sweetie Belle cried, trying to look at the damage done to her mane. Cherilee stomped to her desk, dropped into her chair, and opened the desk drawer.

“Class,” she said, blatantly removing the flask and taking a long drink. “It’s quiet time now.”

And with that, the teacher’s head hit the desk and she slipped off to some magical land where maiming bad students was completely legal. The class sat in silence, wondering if she’d get up, but after a few moments, it became apparent she wasn’t.

“Mods are asleep,” Caps Lock whispered, reaching into his bag and removing a strange device. With the click of a button, the screen on the device lit up and the students crowded around his desk. He looked around at his audience with an evil grin.

"So…Who here hasn’t seen Two Mares, One Cup?”

III: An Exchange

The class watched in morbid curiosity as the mares on the screen began kissing and feeling each other up. Caps Lock sat there with the screen in his hooves, and a smile on his face. He wasn’t interested in the video; he was interested in his classmate’s reactions.

“I don’t get it,” Snips whispered. “Is something supposed to happen?”

“Just wait,” Caps Lock replied, trying not to laugh.

The class leaned in closer to the screen and their faces turned to disgust. “Why-why is she doing that?!” Snips asked, unable to look away from the screen. “Wait…What? No…No! NO!”

Caps Lock burst out laughing as everypony watching the screen began gagging and screaming. Several threw up right there on the floor, the rest made a mad dash for the door, waking Cherilee from her slumber.

“Class dismissed,” she said woozily. “Your homework for tonight…Get me some more whiskey.”

Her head hit the desk again as the rest of the class walked, trudged, and even crawled out of the building. Caps Lock shut his device off and tossed it into his school bag with another laugh.

“This is gonna be so easy, trolololol,” Caps Lock said to himself. He swung his bag over his shoulder and left the classroom singing, “I’m so fresh, you can suck my nuts!”

Outside, Snips and Snails were standing together with their eyes closed and their knees shaking. The sheer willpower it was taking them to refrain from vomiting was amazing.

“Why?” Snips asked quietly. “Why did it look like…like soft-serve chocolate ice-cream? Why did it-why did…why-BLEEEURRRRRR!”

The short unicorn could no longer keep his breakfast down and vomited into Snail’s face. Snails in turn then had the contents of his stomach travel up his esophagus and spray all over his friend. They sat there coughing and crying, dripping and shaking, when Caps Lock finally walked out.

“’Sup, phallus heads?” Caps Lock asked, pointing to the unicorns’ horns. They looked at him and nearly sent up whatever was left in their stomachs. “Hey, you two look like you have tummy-aches.”

“It…it hurts!” Snails moaned, closing his eyes and rubbing his stomach.

Caps Lock’s grin got a little wider as an idea came to him. “Hey, you wanna know a good medicine for upset stomach?”

The two unicorns looked at him, then to each other, and nodded. A few of the other sick ponies gathered around to listen.

“Okay listen, your parents probably have some under the sink in your kitchen,” Caps Lock started. “It comes in a blue and white jug…red label…says “BLEACH” on it. Works like a charm.”

“How…how does it taste?” Snails asked warily.

“It tastes like bleach, duh,” Caps Lock replied, rolling his eyes.

“But, what does bleach taste like?” Snips questioned.

“BLEACH. IT TASTES LIKE BLEACH,” Caps Lock replied once more, loudly and calmly. “Just drink some, you’ll feel better.”

The ponies dispersed, muttering amongst themselves, but feeling better knowing all they had to do was drink some bleach to feel better. Caps Lock, feeling extremely accomplished, decided he was going to go home and play some Battle Stallion 3.

Caps Lock was reaching into his schoolbag for his helmet when he saw the shadows of three fillies standing over him. “Gentlemares?” he asked, looking up with a big smile.

“What’s wrong with you?!” Apple Bloom asked, looking at the colt angrily. “Why did ya cut Sweetie’s mane?”

“And why did you show that GROSS video?!” Sweetie Belle asked shrilly.

“I…don’t wanna talk about the video,” Scootaloo mumbled, holding her stomach and closing her eyes.

“Why does anypony do anything?” Caps Lock asked, putting his helmet on and clicking the straps. “For the lulz.”

The CMC, not happy with his answer, followed him to the tree Scootaloo always left her scooter under. Next to it was another scooter, only this one had some strange attachments. There were two large U magnets; one on the front of the handlebars, and one suspended a foot in front of that. The two magnets were facing each other and made for a very odd sight. On top of that, there were flashlights on either side of the scooter, pointing backwards.

“Unless you noobs have something for me, we’re done here,” Caps Lock said, hopping onto his scooter. He flipped on the flashlights and prepared to travel faster than the speed of light with no effort required. The CMC watched as the odd pony scooted away, still using his hooves to achieve forward motion.

“AAARG!” Sweetie Belle growled angrily. “What is his deal?!”

“He’s so weird!” Apple Bloom added in.

“I’m gonna be sick,” Scootaloo gurgled. The poor filly couldn’t keep from throwing up any longer, and collapsed to the ground. “Why…Why did they kiss…after...Urrrrrrrg.”

Cherilee stumbled out of the schoolhouse and looked around at the puddles of vomit that covered the schoolyard. After a short pause, she bent over and added to it; throwing up her liquid breakfast of coffee and whiskey. Aaaaand then she passed out, face first into the puddle.

“Come on girls,” Apple Bloom said, trying not to look at her inebriated teacher. “Let’s go see if Rarity can fix Sweetie’s mane, and maybe tell us something about Caps Lock.”

“I’m so fresh, you can suck my nuts. I’m so fresh, you can suck my nuts.” Caps Lock continued to sing the inappropriate tune as he rolled through the Ponyville streets. He had to come to a stop when Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stepped out in front of him, devious smiles on their faces.

“Hello, Caps Lock,” Diamond Tiara said, looking over the colt’s strange ride.

“TITS OR—!”

“STOP AND LISTEN!” Diamond Tiara interrupted. Caps Lock raised an eyebrow and actually gave the filly his attention.

“Speak before I mute you,” Caps Lock said, crossing his forearms across his chest.

“You’re weird…but I think I like you,” Diamond Tiara said, batting her eyelashes.

“You want the D,” Caps Lock said, a large grin on his face.

“I…don’t know what that means,” Diamond Tiara replied. Her look of confusion disappeared as she continued. “Anyway, I think you could help us play a little trick on those stupid blank flanks from school. It’ll be fun.”

“S my D and it’s a deal,” Caps Lock replied.

“I, I don’t know what that—”

“ESSSSSSSSS. MY. DEEEEEEEE.” He slowly pronounced the letters as loud as he could. A few passing ponies looked at him with strange glances.

“But, what, how—UGH! Just tell me how to S your D and I will!” Diamond Tiara shouted.

Caps Lock grinned and smoothly replied, “Soft…and slow.” He then beckoned for Diamond Tiara to follow him behind the building they were standing next to. She and Silver Spoon went to follow, but Caps Lock stopped and put his hoof up to Silver Spoon. He looked her up and down before shouting, “TWO OUTTA TEN! WOULD NOT BANG!”

“Just wait here while I S his D,” Diamond Tiara whispered to Silver Spoon. “Ugh, that sounds so stupid,” she shouted, turning to Caps Lock. “What’s it even mean?”

“Oh,” Caps Lock said, “you’re gonna find out.”

Author's Note

This chapter is completely inappropriate, and I hope you enjoy it.

IMPORTANT NOTES IN CAPITAL LETTERS:
The bleach thing is dark, I get it, but I will not be killing any ponies in this story! The issue gets resolved next chapter
AND THERE WILL BE NO CLOP! (Just a before, and after, and it leaves Diamond Tiara scarred for life...you want anything else?!)

IV: Why You Do This?

“You’re really good at this,” Caps Lock said, closing his eyes once more. “A lot better than my mom.”

Diamond Tiara giggled at the compliment. “Well, I’ve had some experience with my father.”

“Yeah, you look like a filly that LOVES to S the D. This one time, I tried to S my own D, but it was too long, and I—”

“Why do you keep abbreviating it?” she asked in annoyance, running her hooves through his curly, dark hairs as she spoke.

“Enough talking, just S faster,” Caps Lock said, arching his neck back. The filly nodded and contorted her face in determination. Caps Lock began watching as Diamond Tiara worked, and he shook in anticipation.

“Almost…Almost…ALMOST…ALMOST! AWWWWW YEAH! PERFECT!”

Caps Lock held the mirror up, admiring his new mane-style. His black mane had been piled high, similar to several famous musicians from decades passed. He bobbed his head up and down to make sure it would stay up.

“So now that I’ve ‘Styled your Do’ will you help?” Diamond Tiara asked patiently. She stood and waited while Caps Lock pondered the question, running a comb through his thick mane.

After a moment, he turned and shouted, “LOL, NO! GTFO!”

“But, you said if I styled your mane—”

“S’d my D,” Caps Lock corrected her, grinning broadly.

“UGH! You said if I ‘S’d your D’ you’d help bully those blank flanks!”

“I’m not a bully; I’m a troll. And a good troll does not pick his targets; he lets them come to him,” Caps Lock replied. “Kinda like YOU came to ME? YOU MAD?”

Diamond Tiara shook with anger and got right up to Caps Lock’s face. “No I’m not mad!”

“YOU MAD!” Caps Lock shouted in disagreement. He then ran from the alley before Diamond Tiara could do anything to stop him. Silver Spoon, who had been waiting patiently, watched as Caps Lock made his escape on his scooter. Diamond Tiara stormed out of the alley and approached her friend.

“Did you S his D?” Silver asked.

“Stop calling it that,” Diamond snapped. “But yes, I ‘Styled his Do’ and now he isn’t even going to help us!” The filly paced angrily in a small circle until an idea came to her. “Why don’t we play a trick on HIM?! It’ll show him who’s boss around here! We can deal with The Crusaders another time.”

Silver Spoon nodded in agreement and the two fillies laughed together. Once they were done laughing, Silver Spoon asked, “So ‘S his D’ stood for ‘Style his Do’? I was worried it was something like a BJ.”

“At least that would have taken less time,” Diamond Tiara grumbled.

The wind blew through Caps Lock’s new do as he rode his scooter through Ponyville. The citizens gave him odd looks as he passed by, singing his favorite song. Battle Stallion 3 was calling his name, but the day was still young and he still felt devious urges from within he had to satisfy.

Perhaps he would go troll the blanks flanks from school. The scrubs would be easy pickings and he could probably stretch it out for days, maybe even weeks before it got boring. He’d have to start off light; some name calling, mocking, and other common forms of antagonizing. But that would require him to get in the right mindset. Perhaps some pictures of cats would help.

Sweetie Belle sniffled as Rarity attempted to fix the damage done to the filly’s mane. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were sitting on the floor, trying to explain their new classmate’s behavior.

“—and then he said his parents were dead! Why would anypony lie about that?” Apple Bloom asked the elder unicorn.

Before Rarity could respond, Scootaloo interrupted by mumbling something about two mares and a cup. The filly then lay there gurgling quietly. After a moment, Rarity said, “He sounds like he’s crying out for attention. Maybe he just needs some friends.”

“He was even mean to the ones who liked him!” Sweetie Belle said, watching hairs fall as the levitating scissors made corrections. “The only nice thing he did was tell everypony how to cure a tummy-ache!”

“Hmm, and how’s that?” Rarity asked, more focused on fixing Sweetie Belle’s mane than Sweetie herself.

“Bleach,” AppleBloom replied. The scissors snapped closed over a large portion of Sweetie Bell’s mane as Rarity looked up in horror. The hair fell to the floor and Sweetie Belle’s eyes welled up with tears.

Rarity’s eyes darted to Scootaloo and she galloped toward the sick pegasus filly. “TELL ME YOU DIDN’T!”

Scootaloo tried not to throw up as Rarity shook her violently, demanding an answer. “Didn’t what?” she asked, closing her eyes tightly.

“TELL ME YOU DIDN’T DRINK BLEACH!” Rarity screamed and shook nervously.

“I didn’t! I didn’t!” the filly shouted. Rarity, still stricken with panic, looked around the boutique frantically. Her eyes fell on the rotary dial telephone she rarely used, and she sprinted to it. Just as she reached it, it began ringing.

“H-hello?” Rarity asked into the transmitter.

“Rarity!” a frantic voice shouted through the receiver. “Is Sweetie Belle home yet?”

“Yes, she is,” Rarity replied, looking to her sister and biting her lower lip. “Please be quick, I have urgent—”

“Rarity! Listen! Don’t let her go near any bleach! My son Snails came home and told me his classmate said—”

“It would help an upset stomach?” Rarity said slowly, finishing the mare on the other end’s sentence.

“Yes! All the parents in town caught their kids going under the sink after coming home ill. I just hoped I got hold of you before…” The mare trailed off and waited for Rarity to say something.

“Sweetie’s fine, and so are Apple Bloom and Scootaloo,” Rarity said. Relief had washed over her after knowing no harm had come to any of the fillies or colts.

“Oh thank Celestia,” Snail’s mom replied. “We need to tell the children not to believe everything they hear. This could have been a real tragedy!”

At that moment, Caps Lock happened to wander by the window of Rarity’s Boutique. “Look! There he is!” Apple Bloom shouted, pointing to the window.

Rarity turned in time to see the colt’s ridiculous mane bob past and out of sight. She hung up the phone and went to look out the door. Sweetie Belle threw off her smock and joined the other two fillies behind her sister.

“Come on, do something!” Caps Lock shouted, holding a camera up to his eye. Opalescense, never amused by anything, simply licked her paw and scowled at the young colt that had interrupted her nap. Caps snapped a couple photos and looked at them in disgust, shouting, “This isn’t gonna make the homepage!”

“What is he doing to my poor Opal?!” Rarity asked. She kept the fillies behind her while they stood in the doorway watching the strange colt.

Opal finished licking her paw and gave Caps Lock her full, aggravated attention. He snapped another picture and looked at it, a smile forming on his face. “Yes, this is perfect! I’m gonna call you Grumpy Cat!”

“Excuse me!” Rarity shouted, approaching the colt.

“ABANDON THREAD!” Caps Lock shouted. He went to jump on his scooter, but then he saw the three fillies standing behind the unicorn. The colt screeched to a halt and turned to face Rarity. “One mare, three fillies? ME GUSTA!”

Rarity ignored Caps Lock’s strange behavior and approached him. “Are you the awful little colt that told your classmates to drink bleach?”

“I am OP, yes,” Caps Lock replied, running his hoof through his mane.

“Why ever would you do that?” Rarity asked angrily.

“YOLO!” Caps Lock shouted in reply. He then laughed stupidly to himself and began his advance. “I’m just giving the stupid ones the abortions their parents should have given them.”

“That’s terrible!” Rarity shouted. She was completely appalled at Caps Lock, but she was falling right into his trap.

Forget the fillies, Caps Lock thought to himself, a large grin on his face, this dildo-headed foal-factory is BEGGING to be trolled!

Author's Note

Like I said. No Clop. And the bleach thing got resolved.

And now the real trolling begins.

V: Learn to Internet

“Listen to me you little—"

“Listen to me you little,” Caps Lock repeated in a nasally voice.

Rarity took a deep breath and pointed to Sweetie Belle’s uneven mane. “Why did you cut my sister’s mane?”

“It was a mess and I tried to fix it," Caps Lock said, defending his actions. "The SLOB that worked on it last clearly knew nothing about S’ing D’s.”

“I styled her mane last!”

“Did I say slob? I meant FAT UGLY SKANK!”

“HOW DARE YOU CALL ME—”

“BLAH BLAHBLAHBLAH!”

Rarity began grinding her teeth in frustration. The colt in front of her smiled as he waited for her to continue. Behind her, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle were watching the strange confrontation.

“You mad?” Caps Lock asked after Rarity once again failed to get a word in over his imitation of her. The argument had gone on nearly ten minutes, and Rarity finally blew a gasket.

“I WILL END YOU!” Rarity shouted, lunging at the colt. The Cutie Mark Crusaders all grabbed hold of her tail, stopping her inches from Caps Lock.

“COME AT ME BRO! I’M RIGHT HERE!” Caps Lock shouted, pounding his chest. Rarity swung her front hooves out madly, reaching for the colt. “BOW BEFORE CAPS LOCK: MASTER TROLL!”

And with those words, Caps Lock got on his scooter and raced away from the boutique. The CMC released Rarity’s tail and she face planted into the ground. She immediately got up and started mumbling angrily to herself.

“Rarity, are you all right?” Sweetie Belle asked with concern. Her sister turned and glared at her.

“No I’m not alright! Did you hear how that filthy little BRAT spoke to me?!” Rarity was angrier than she could ever remember being. She stomped back into the boutique and levitated the smock and scissors into the air. “How dare he call me such derogatory terms?!”

Sweetie Belle nearly choked as Rarity used her magic to wrap the smock around the filly’s neck. She was dragged by the smock back into the salon chair, and watched nervously as the scissors approached.

“Rarity, what’s a skank?” Apple Bloom asked out of curiosity. Sweetie Belle flinched as the scissors zoomed past her ear.

“I don't know!” Rarity shouted, trying to stay focused on her sister’s mane. "But the way he said it makes me think it is something very, very appalling!"

“And what’s a troll?” Scootaloo asked.

Rarity didn’t answer, as she was too busy trying to salvage what was left of Sweetie Belle’s mane. The boutique went quiet with the exception of the furious snipping of scissors. With a final *snip*, Rarity levitated the scissors and smock back into their respective drawers.

“Well, it’s certainly better than it was,” Rarity said, looking over her work. Sweetie Belle’s mane was now a quarter the length it had been, and the filly tried to smile at her sister.

“Thanks Rarity,” she said, hugging the unicorn. She then turned to Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, and asked, “How does it look?”

Her two friends looked at her mane, searching for the right words to say. “Well,” Scootaloo started slowly, but paused when Rarity shot her a glare, silently demanding a compliment. “It’s nice! I wish mine was that short!”

“Really?” Rarity asked, levitating the smock and scissors out of their drawers. “Because that can be arranged. Maybe it will even become a new trend!”

“Uh, we have to get going!” Scootaloo replied nervously. “Lots of crusader stuff to do! Bye!”

The three fillies ran from the boutique and into town. “Let’s go see Twilight! Maybe she’ll know what a troll is and how to stop one!” Sweetie Belle suggested.

“And maybe she’ll tell us what a skank is too!” Apple Bloom shouted.

They arrived at the Golden Oaks Library and knocked on the door. After a moment, Spike answered and looked at the three fillies, his gaze stopping on Sweetie Belle.

“What happened to your mane?” he asked, trying not to laugh. “Did you make Rarity mad or something?”

“Spike, is Twilight home?” Apple Bloom asked. At that moment, the purple unicorn poked her head around the door.

“My little ponies! What brings you here?” Twilight asked cheerfully, inviting them into the library. “And what happened to your mane?” she asked, looking at Sweetie Belle. “Did you make Rarity mad or something?”

“Ha! That’s what I said,” Spike laughed. Sweetie Belle turned bright red and tried not to cry.

“No, it was this new pony from school!” Apple Bloom answered for her friend. “He’s been doin’ all kindsa bad things since he got here! We need your help!”

“I already told you girls once, I can’t go turning bullies into frogs for you,” Twilight replied, referring to a previous request made about Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. “Do you want me to talk to him?”

“Rarity tried that!” Sweetie Belle replied. “And he called her a skank!”

Twilight, not recognizing the word, levitated several books off the bookshelf and skimmed them for a definition. After a moment, she found the word, and read the definition quietly to herself.

“A loose limbered dance? I don't get it...” Twilight said, closing the book.

“After that, he said he was a troll; a MASTER troll!” Scootaloo added. This time, Twilight levitated a book about mythological creatures.

“A slow-witted, bridge-dwelling monster that turns to stone if exposed to sunlight?” she read aloud. “Are you sure he said troll?”

“YES!” the three fillies shouted in unison, angry at being questioned. Twilight looked at them in confusion and flipped through the pages of her book.

“They aren’t known for their magical abilities, so I think it’s highly unlikely one shape-shifted into a colt. I think you must have heard wrong,” Twilight said, returning the book to its shelf. “Tell me, what else did he do?”

The CMC went on to describe the colt’s strange behavior at school and Twilight’s eyes went wide with shock. “Drink bleach?! That’s terrible!” she said, her hoof over her mouth. “Why, that wouldn’t help an upset stomach at all!”

Twilight, a bastion of knowledge, went on to describe exactly what would happen to a pony’s stomach if bleach was ingested. The Cutie Mark Crusaders listened in horror as the unicorn went into excruciating detail.

While Twilight educated the ponies, a black mane zipped past the front window. None of them were aware Caps Lock had followed them to the library. They all looked up when a knock came at the door. Spike grabbed a step stool and looked through the peephole.

“Who is it, Spike?” Twilight asked.

“Fire!” Spike shouted after seeing plumes of smoke rising past the peephole. He frantically jumped off the step stool and flung open the door. A flaming paper bag was burning on the library’s door step, and he stomped up and down on it with both feet.

“Be careful, Spike!” Sweetie Belle shouted, sensing something wasn’t right.

“I got it! I got it!” Spike shouted. Once the flames were out, the dragon stood there looking accomplished. But, as he wiggled the claws on his feet, he realized something didn’t feel right. He lifted his foot and examined the brown substance now caked to it. As he stood there looking at it, a foul odor hit his nostrils and realization swept over him.

“Spike, what’s that smell?” Twilight asked, approaching her assistant. “Is that what I think it is?”

“WHYYYYYYYYYY?!” the dragon shouted at the top of his lungs, raising his claws to the sky. A burst of laughter came from the bushes outside the library and Caps Lock fell out. He rolled around on the ground, laughing and clutching his stomach.

“ROFLMAO! That was perfect!” Caps Lock said, standing up and wiping a tear from his eye. “I can’t believe you fell for that, you stupid scrub!”

Spike nearly started to cry. Twilight approached him and put her hoof on his shoulder. He turned and cried into her chest while she glared at Caps Lock.

“That’s him, Twilight! That’s him!” Apple Bloom shouted. Twilight released Spike and stepped toward the colt. The CMC ran out of the library and stood behind Twilight as they had done with Rarity.

Caps Lock looked at Twilight and debated what to do. Flaming the other unicorn had been a lot of fun. Why not rile this one up?

Author's Note

My apologies to whomever thinks Rarity is best pony.
For those who don't know what a skank is, it is the slang term for a promiscuous female

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_promiscuity

VI: Safe Search: OFF

“Just leave us alone!” Sweetie Belle shouted out from behind Twilight.

“Yeah!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo shouted in unison.

Caps Lock looked at them with relative disinterest and turned his attention to Twilight. “Sup?” he asked casually. “You horny?”

“Excuse me?” Twilight asked in disgust.

“Oh wait!” Caps Lock shouted. “You’re a unicorn! You’re ALWAYS HORNY! LOLOLOLOL!”

The joke went over Twilight’s head and she calmly answered, “If I were even remotely stimulated right now, I would never consider engaging with you. Why, your reproductive organs haven’t even matured yet! Look, look how small it is!”

Twilight laughed as she pointed blatantly at the colt’s always-exposed junk. The fillies didn’t fully understand the humor, but joined in Twilight’s laughter regardless. For the first time since arriving to Ponyville, Caps Lock was the butt of the joke.

“Yeah…well…” Caps Lock said, trying to regain his power. “I still get more action in a week than you do in a month!”

Twilight laughed again. “Self stimulation does not count as ‘action’.”

The CMC watched in amazement as Caps Lock’s smile disappeared from his face. Whatever Twilight had said really upset him.

“You’re…you’re…” Caps Lock stammered, trying to think of a scathing insult, but coming up empty. Twilight approached the colt, but he backed up towards his scooter. He turned on the flashlights and attempted to make his escape.

“What is that ridiculous contraption?” Twilight asked, looking at Caps Lock’s scooter.

“It’s my troll physics scooter,” Caps Lock said angrily. “You’re probably too stupid to understand how it works!”

“I’m smart enough to see it won’t work,” Twilight replied. “Are those magnets meant to attract each other? The force would simply—”

“The front magnet pulls the other one forward!” Caps Lock interrupted. “IT’S SCIENCE!”

“Your logic is highly flawed.”

“YOUR FACE IS HIGHLY FLAWED!”

Scootaloo accidently laughed at Caps Lock’s amazing comeback; she couldn’t help it; it was something she’d never heard before. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom snorted, trying to keep from laughing.

“That…that wasn’t funny,” Twilight said, looking to the girls in confusion.

“Know what else isn’t funny? YOUR FACE!” Caps Lock replied. The CMC laughed once again, and Caps Lock finally regained his trolltastic composure. Twilight felt her face turning red and tried to stay calm.

“Can I PLEASE explain why your magnet propulsion system wouldn’t work?” The front magnet would simply—”

“BLABLAHBLAH SIMPLY!” Caps Lock voiced over her.

“Talking over someone is a common defense mechanism for—”

“BLAHBLAH OFFENSE TECHASMISM! You think you’re so smart? What’s a Blue Waffle?” Caps Lock asked, setting the bait.

Twilight scoffed and replied, “That’s simple; it’s a waffle that is blue.”

“WRONG, YOU RETARD!”

“Are you insulting my intelligence?” Twilight asked angrily. Insulting her intelligence was far worse than inflicting physical harm, and Caps Lock quickly learned this.

“I’m just insulted at how stupid you are. What kind of pony doesn’t know what a Blue Waffle is?”

“Is it some kind of flower?” Sweetie Belle asked curiously. Caps Lock shook his head.

“It’s a fish! Oh, it’s a bird!” Scootaloo guessed. Caps Lock shook his head again and Twilight began levitating several books over to her.

“LOL, why are you looking in books? You probably can’t even read!”

“I most certainly can read!” Twilight shouted. “I’ve read thousands of books, but why haven’t I heard of a Blue Waffle?!”

“Twilight, ah think he’s playin’ a trick on you!” Apple Bloom shouted, tugging on the distracted unicorn. Twilight buried her face deeper into the book, tossing it aside when she failed to find Blue Waffle.

“Learn to internet, noob!” Caps Lock shouted. Before any of the ponies could ask how to internet, the colt sped off into town.

“I’ve never heard of the verb ‘internet’,” Twilight said, bringing three more books to eye level. “Maybe it’s a noun. A proper noun? Hmm…”

“Twilight! Please!” Apple Bloom begged. “You were so close to—”

“I think ‘The Internet’ is one of the things Celestia told me to never inquire about,” Twilight interrupted with her distracted monologue. “She said it was the most dangerous place in Equestria, where even her rule could not touch. Could that colt have come from The Internet?”

“Ugh!” Sweetie Belle moaned. “Come on girls, we have to find Caps Lock!”

“Maybe if we do to him what Twilight did, he’ll stop being so mean!” Scootaloo suggested.

Twilight didn’t even notice the fillies run out the library door, leaving her and Spike alone. The baby dragon had managed to clean off his feet, and began running around, picking up the books Twilight had skimmed through.

“Spike, have you ever heard of the internet?” Twilight asked, looking to her assistant.

The dragon thought for a moment, scratching his chin with his claw. After a moment, he snapped his claws together as a memory came to him. “Remember that dragon migration I went on?”

“Yes. Did you pass through The Internet during it?”

“No, no, no,” Spike said, shaking his head. “There were these teenage dragons talking about it. They said something about computers, and using them to ‘get on the internet’.”

Twilight looked at Spike skeptically. “So you’re saying I can use the computer in the lab to ‘get on the internet’?” she asked.

Spike shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe?”

“Well, it couldn’t hurt to check,” Twilight said, leading the way to the library’s underground laboratory. In the corner was a golden box; the only distinguishing features being a screen and some light bulbs. With the push of a button, the machine whirred to life and the screen lit up.

The screen now displayed a start menu and a few desktop icons. Twilight looked at it inquisitively, wiggling the ball bearing input device attached to the computer. A small, pixilated hoof moved across the screen, and she found she had control over it.

“Why have I never used this before? This is fascinating!” Twilight said, fascinated simply by the computer’s ability to recognize user input. She dragged the hoof over to an icon labeled “Internet Explorer” and waited for something to happen.

“Try pushing some buttons,” Spike suggested, pushing his claw on the mouse. A search engine opened up and Twilight jumped back in surprise. A blank box with a blinking black line was next to the word “SEARCH.”

“Search Blue Waffle,” Twilight commanded. Nothing happened, so Twilight repeated herself louder. “Search BLUE WAFFLE.”

Spike looked at the other strange device connected to the computer and pushed on it. “KKKKKKKKKKKKKKK” appeared in the search box. Twilight looked down at the keyboard and pushed on several of the keys before managing to erase everything. She then typed “BLUE WAFFLE” into the search bar and waited.

“Click Enter,” Spike suggested. Twilight dragged the cursor over and clicked. Slowly, an image began to appear on the screen, and both Twilight and Spike tried to figure out what it was.

“What is that?” Twilight asked, squinting at the screen. More loaded and it became apparent just what a blue waffle was. “OH DEAR CELESTIA!” Twilight shouted, trying not to throw up.

“Twilight, is that—”

“LOOK AWAY, SPIKE!”

“It kinda looks like your—”

Twilight began mashing on the keyboard and clicking on the mouse furiously. The image disappeared and was replaced by a blue screen with white text. The unicorn turned to her assistant and shouted, “SPIKE! GO UPSTAIRS!”

The dragon hesitated, but eventually obeyed, leaving Twilight alone in the laboratory. As soon as she managed to fix the computer, she was going to learn everything she could about the internet.

Author's Note

DON'T GOOGLE BLUE WAFFLE
DON'T TYPE INTO BING, YAHOO, SAFARI, OR ANY OTHER SEARCH ENGINE!

if your morbid curiosity gets the better of you, I will not be held responsible!

VII: ROCKET SHIPS

Caps Lock grumbled to himself as he made his way through the crowded streets of Ponyville. He’d barely gotten away with his dignity intact, no thanks to that stupid, purple unicorn. Now all he wanted to do was grab a snack, go home, and play Battle Stallion 3 before his parents got home and started arguing.

He parked his scooter outside of a bakery and wandered inside. Behind the counter was a pink earth pony mare frosting a cake. She looked up after hearing the door open, and her eyes fell on Caps Lock.

“NEW PONY!” she shouted, running to greet the colt. “My name is Pinkie Pie! What’s yours?!”

“Easy there, spaz,” Caps Lock said, backing up. “I just want a cupcake.”

“But you’re new here!” Pinkie Pie shouted. “You get a whole party!”

Confetti and balloons began raining from the ceiling and Caps Lock looked around in confusion. “Are you high?” he asked. When he turned to look back at the mare, she had face paint, large shoes, and a red nose. Caps Lock screamed and ducked under a table, covering his eyes and shaking.

“Awww, what’s wrong?” Pinkie Pie asked, kicking off the shoes and wiping off her face paint.

“No clowns! No clowns!” Caps Lock shouted, still covering his eyes. Visions from his youth flashed in front of him, of him crying at a carnival, and his parents laughing at him. And the clowns, oh the clowns! They chased him through the fun house and just wouldn’t stop!

“You’re not afraid of clowns, are you?”

“SHUDDUP!” Caps Lock shouted, his eyes starting to well up with tears.

“I’m sorry!” Pinkie Pie apologized, “Please don’t cry!”

She tried to hug the colt, but he broke away from her. “Just leave me alone!” Caps Lock shouted. “Why do you want to throw me a party anyway? So you can rape me?!”

“I throw parties for every new pony that comes to Ponyville!” Pinkie Pie replied. “I throw parties for birthdays, anniversaries, tax returns, weddings, funerals, births—”

Caps Lock listened to all the strange reasons Pinkie Pie would throw a party. I bet she’d throw a party if she ever got laid, Caps Lock thought to himself. She’d probably shape the cake like a giant…

“—1st successful heart transplant, 1st unsuccessful heart transplant, first—”

“What about Rocket Ship Day?” Caps Lock interrupted. He looked at Pinkie Pie with a sly grin on his face.

Pinkie Pie stopped completely and removed a calendar from her wild, pink mane. “I’ve never heard of Rocket Ship Day! When is it?” she asked after flipping through the pages a dozen times.

“Oh, it’s today,” Caps Lock replied.

“WHAT?! AND NOPONY TOLD ME?!” Pinkie asked, jumping into the air. “But how am I going to throw two parties at once?!”

“Don’t worry about mine,” Caps Lock said, walking over to the counter. “Rocket Ship Day is much more important than my first day in town.”

“Ooooh, but I’m supposed to throw you a party!” Pinkie whined.

Caps Lock removed his crayons and a piece of paper from his school bag, and he set them on the counter. “I know,” the colt said, turning to look at Pinkie Pie, “let me design the rocket ship decorations. Helping you with a party will be like having one of my own.”

“That’s a great idea!” Pinkie Pie shouted, running to the counter. “I can make cakes, and cookies, and lollipops, and banners, and—”

Caps Lock tried to ignore Pinkie as he drew the template for the “rocket ship.”

“Okay, you’re gonna wanna start off with the body of the rocket ship.” He picked up a red crayon with his teeth and drew a large upside-down U. Then, he lengthened the lines and drew two circles. “And these are the smoke clouds from the rocket taking off!”

Pinkie Pie looked at the completed drawing and saw exactly what Caps Lock told her to see; just a rocket ship about to take off; definitely not a crudely drawn penis. “This is perfect!” she shouted, grabbing up the sketch. “I’ll start right away!”

“How big are your parties usually?” Caps Lock asked out of curiosity.

“Well for something as important as Rocket Ship Day, it’ll be the whole town!” Pinkie shouted. She ran into the kitchen and began gathering all the things she’d need for rocket ship cookies.

“One more thing,” Caps Lock said as he got ready to the leave the bakery. “Make sure the cake explodes white frosting out the top.”

Pinkie Pie thought for a moment before shouting, “Great idea!”

Caps Lock laughed to himself as he walked out into the sunlight. School had let out so early, it wasn’t even noon yet. There were still so many great possibilities for his day. He went to get on his scooter, but saw the CMC standing there, looking smug.

“GTFO MY SCOOTER, BITCHES!” Caps Lock shouted.

“You have a small thingy!” Sweetie Belle shouted, pointing between the colt’s legs. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom laughed and also pointed at Caps Lock’s short comings.

His face turned red and he glared at the fillies. “Is that how you wanna do this?”

“I can’t believe how small it is!” Scootaloo shouted, disregarding the colt’s question. Her words came out sounding forced—fake even—like she knew not the meaning behind them, only that they were insulting.

That’s all they have? Caps Lock asked himself, quickly catching on. They think they can use the horn-whore’s one good comeback over and over? Big mistake.

“Ah’ve never seen one that small!” Apple Bloom shouted. She was surprised to see Caps Lock simply smiling at her.

“Oh, but I bet you’ve seen a lot of them, haven’t you?” Caps Lock said, taking a few steps towards the fillies. “Maybe even had a few, amirite?”

“What?!” Sweetie Belle shouted. “Fillies don’t have those! Only colts do!”

Caps Lock laughed, “Not what I meant.”

At that moment, Pinkie Pie burst from the bakery and shoved a “rocket ship” lollipop into each of the four pony’s mouths. “HAPPY ROCKET SHIP DAY!” she shouted, and several “rocket ship” balloons burst from the doorway.

Mayor Mare was filing paperwork at her desk when she noticed several oddly shaped balloons drift past her 2nd story window. She opened the window and saw Pinkie Pie wheeling a ten foot tall “rocket ship” cake to the center of town.

“What in Celestia’s name—Dusty! Dusty, come look at this!” the mayor shouted.

The town hall’s janitor walked into the mayor’s office pushing his mop bucket. “What is it, Mayor?”

“Look! Just look at what Pinkie is doing now!” Mayor Mare pointed out her window furiously. Dusty walked over and had to wait for several balloons to pass before he could get a look at the cake.

“Huh,” Dusty said, looking away from the window, “she must have finally gotten laid.”

VIII: Mistakes Were Made

Sweetie Belle removed the lollipop from her mouth and looked at it in confusion. “Rocket Ship Day?” she asked. “I’ve never heard of Rocket Ship Day.”

“Me neither! It’s a good thing that new pony told me about!” Pinkie Pie shouted, grabbing more decorations from the bakery. She stopped in front of the fillies, but the colt was no where in sight. “Huh? Where’d he go?”

The CMC looked around, but Caps Lock had already disappeared into the growing crowd of confused onlookers. The mares and stallions looked around in disgust at the decorations now bastardizing their town. They whispered amongst each other about how Pinkie Pie was far from subtle when it came to private affairs.

“Cookies?!” Pinkie Pie asked, holding out a tray of “rocket ships” to some of the town ponies. They declined, pushing the cookies away and looking angrily at the pink mare.

“Somethin’ ain’t right here,” Apple Bloom said, taking a cookie from the distraught Pinkie Pie. “These don’t look like any rocket ships ah’ve ever seen.”

Scootaloo, who had actually been enjoying her lollipop, removed it from her mouth and looked at. “If it was smaller, I’d say it looks like…” she trailed off. The filly looked up with sudden realization and let the confection fall from her hoof. “Pinkie, did that new pony help at all with these decorations?”

“He designed everything!” Pinkie Pie shouted cheerfully. “But I think you’re right,” she said, stroking her chin and squinting at a balloon. “They do look a little—”

“Pinkie Pie! What is the meaning of this?!” Mayor Mare shouted, pushing through the crowd. Several balloons flew up in her face and she popped them angrily.

“It’s a Pinkie Pie Party!” Pinkie Pie shouted in response. “You think you’d recognize a Pinkie Pie Party by now!”

“For what occasion, dare I ask?” she asked. Her eyes went wide as she had a “rocket ship” thrust into her open mouth.

“It’s Rocket Ship Day!” Pinkie shouted, releasing more balloons.

The Mayor removed the lollipop from her mouth and held it up to Pinkie Pie’s face. “These do NOT look like ROCKET SHIPS!”

Pinkie Pie took a piece of paper from her mane and unfolded it for The Mayor to see. “I was just going by the design! See? There’s the body, and this is the fire from take-off!”

“And does that look like anything else to you?”

“No…that’s…no way! No!” Pinkie stammered, refusing to believe there was anything hidden in the innocent drawing. She looked up to see the crowd was beginning to heckle her.

“What were you thinking?” one mare shouted.

“This is worse than your party for my father’s colonoscopy!” an angry stallion shouted. Pinkie looked around at the angry faces and then to her decorations with awful realization.

“Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!” she shouted, now seeing the vulgar images she’d been too blind to see. She turned to run, but found herself face-to-shaft with her enormous, unintentionally-erotic cake.

Caps Lock had managed to find his way to the top of the clock tower during the beginning of the celebration. He’d gotten to watch the hilarity unfold from afar, and his laughter could be heard by nopony but himself. Wiping a tear from his eye, he decided it was time for the grand finale. He’d snagged the cake’s detonator from Pinkie Pie before sneaking off, and he pushed his hoof onto the big, red button.

As Pinkie Pie stared at the massive phallic pastry, it began to shake violently. She could only watch in horror as a jet of white frosting exploded from the tip of the cake. The frosting went straight up, and came straight back down, landing in one big glob all over the poor, pink pony.

The crowd cried out in disgust and began pelting Pinkie Pie with whatever “rocket ship” paraphernalia they could find. When their rage had finally settled, they dispersed, leaving the town center a complete disaster.

“I want this all cleaned up now!” The Mayor shouted to a lollipop-covered pile of white frosting. The pile stirred slightly in recognition of the demand, and The Mayor walked back to her office.

The CMC approached the pile cautiously, watching the cake for any more eruptions. “Pinkie Pie?” Sweetie Belle asked, poking her hoof at the pile of frosting on the ground. Two sad, blue eyes opened up out of the frosting and began crying.

“They were supposed to be rocket ships,” Pinkie Pie said quietly. “He said it was a rocket ship.”

“Pinkie, ah don’t even think Rocket Ship Day is a real holiday,” Apple Bloom said, bending down to look into Pinkie Pie’s eyes. “Ah think Caps Lock played a trick on you.”

“That new pony?” Pinkie Pie asked, standing up, still covered in an assortment of her once-innocent decorations. “He wouldn’t do that? Would he?”

“Me? Noooo,” Caps Lock said, approaching the four ponies. He smiled and cut himself a large piece of cake from the “rocket’s” “exhaust port.” The colt took a big bite, chewed, then spit onto Pinkie Pie. “Okay, maybe I did!” he laughed.

Pinkie Pie tried to take a step toward the colt, but slipped in the puddle of frosting. Caps Lock started laughing even harder when Pinkie Pie came up with a decoration stuck to her face.

“What’s wrong with you?” Scootaloo asked angrily , shoving Caps Lock. The colt barely managed to keep his balance on the slippery stage. He planted his hooves and turned to the furious pegasus filly.

“You need to chill the buck out,” he said, shoving her back. Before the other members of the CMC could retaliate, Pinkie Pie pounced onto the colt. Her eyes had narrowed and her normally puffy mane was completely lank. Bits of frosting slowly dripped from her mane onto Caps Lock’s face as he looked up in fear.

Pinkie Pie breathed heavily, looking down at the terrified colt. She got close to his face, and her eye twitched as she whispered, “Apologize…”

Caps Lock shifted uncomfortably, unable to look away from the mare’s freezing glare. The three fillies cautiously watched and tried not to show their own fear. They’d heard of Pinkie’s alter ego Pinkamena before, but they’d had no way of knowing just how terrifying she was.

Pinkie reached down for one of the lollipops and brought it up to Caps Lock’s eyes. Both of them stared at the lollipop as Pinkie Pie spoke. “I suggest you apologize, Caps Lock!” Pinkie said from the corner of her mouth, speaking for the lollipop. “You don’t want to upset Pinkie Pie!”

Her eyes focused back on Caps Lock, and she said with her normal voice, "Or she'll hurt you." Her pupils then dilated and moved to opposite corners of her eyes. A big smile stretched across her face and she began breathing heavily again.

Caps Lock, in that very moment, knew what true fear was. “I-I-I’m sorry! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!” he begged. He stared at the lollipop because it was much less intimidating than the mare currently straddling him.

“Apology accepted,” Pinkie said slowly. She brought her hoof downward and pushed the lollipop against Caps Lock’s lips. Eventually, he had no choice but to let the “rocket ship” “come in for landing.”

Trolling this pony was a big mistake.

IX:You're a Dead Colt, Caps Lock

After his unfortunate encounter with Pinkamena, Caps Lock had slunk back to the shadows. He watched as his intended targets helped clean up the mess he’d worked so hard to make. From now on, I’m going after them, not any crazy pink psychopaths, he decided.

Suddenly, he became aware he wasn’t alone. He turned to see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon standing behind him…grinning.

“Oh, hello Craps Lock,” Diamond Tiara greeted him, smiling and rolling her eyes. She began laughing and Silver Spoon joined in.

Caps Lock narrowed his eyes and slowly asked, “The Hell you just call me?”

“Craaaaaps Lock,” Diamond Tiara repeated slowly.

“I’m sorry, what?” Caps Lock asked, putting his hoof up to his ear.

“I said, CRAPS LOCK!”

“Uh, one more time, I can’t hear you over all the SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH!”

The two fillies backed up after hearing the four-letter S-word. It was one of the words their parents used and told them not to repeat. “That’s…That’s a bad word!” Silver Spoon stuttered, pointing to Caps Lock.

“Yeah! We’re telling on you!” Diamond Tiara shouted.

“To who? No pony gives a shit what you two little whores have to say,” Caps Lock said angrily. “Get out of here before I wreck you.”

Diamond Tiara looked to Silver Spoon nervously. “What’s a whore?” she whispered.

Silver Spoon shrugged. “It must be something bad,” she replied. “Call him a whore!”

“Well, you’re a whore!” Diamond Tiara shouted, looking back to Caps Lock.

Caps Lock shook his head and covered his eyes with one hoof. He lowered his hoof to look back at Diamond Tiara and said, “Looks like Caps Lock is gonna have to PWN a filly.” He took a deep breath and approached his target, fire in his eyes. “You must have been an accident; your parents didn’t want you, but your dad was too stupid to pull out, so instead of winding up as a stain on the sheets, you managed to congeal in your mom’s disease-ridden stallion-trap.

“By the time your mom realized she was fatter than usual, it was too late for an abortion. So she tried smoking and binge drinking, so you may just come out dead. What she got was the retarded filly that stands before me, whose only talent in life must be passing out hoof-jobs, because no pony would want their junk near your mouth. If they did, it’s so they wouldn’t have to hear you cry while they plowed you.”

Caps Lock stood nose to nose with Diamond Tiara and stared into her eyes angrily. His eyes glanced up to her tiara and quickly back down. “You’re daddy’s little princess though, right? Buys you a lot of nice things? Touches you in your ‘special place’ and tells you not to tell mommy?”

“Stop it!” Diamond Tiara cried out, tears welling up in her eyes. “Why are you saying all these things?!”

“The truth hurts, doesn’t it?!” Caps Lock shouted. Diamond Tiara began all out crying and fled from the colt. He watched her run away, feeling a sense of self-accomplishment. Silver Spoon remained frozen in place and Caps Lock slowly turned to her. “You want yours now?”

“M-m-my mom said I was a ‘happy surprise’,” Silver Spoon stuttered, fearing she may be called an accident as well. She ran off to join her friend, leaving Caps Lock feeling extremely satisfied.

“Thank you sooooo much for helping me!” an annoying, high-pitched voice said from behind Caps Lock. He turned to see the pink mare and the blank flanks had completely cleaned up the town.

“No problem, Pinkie Pie!” Sweetie Belle said happily. She, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo all looked to their flanks, hoping a “mess cleaning” cutie mark would appear. When it didn’t, they all looked down in disappointment.

“At least now that Caps Lock is dealt with, we can finally get back to crusading!” Scootaloo shouted. The fillies’ expressions turned hopeful and they turned to leave.

Pinkie Pie held out three ‘rocket ship’ lollipops as rewards for their help. “Take one for the road!” she shouted, offering them out to the fillies.

“No thanks, Pinkie Pie,” Apple Bloom laughed, turning away from the offer. “Come on, girls! Let’s go see if Apple Jack has anythin’ for us to do!”

Caps Lock hid in the shadows until the three fillies had passed by. “Dealt with?” he asked himself aloud. “Bitch, I ain’t begun to fight!” He crept out of his hiding place and began following the CMC at a distance.

The fillies eventually became aware of his presence, and they kept on walking. “He’s right behind us,” Sweetie Belle whispered. “Let’s just keep moving, maybe he won’t—”

“Where are you fags going?” Caps Lock shouted.

“Go away!” Apple Bloom shouted in reply.

Caps Lock shouted, “FAGS!” in response.

“What’s a fag?” Apple Bloom asked the other fillies.

Scootaloo replied, “It must be another one of his weird insults, let’s just ignore him.”

“FAGGY FAG FAGGOTS!” Caps Lock continued on.

“Cut it out, Caps Lock!” Sweetie belle yelled.

“FAAAAAAAAAGS!”

The commotion from the four ponies eventually drew the attention of a low flying pegasus. Scootaloo saw a shadow sweep across the ground, and she looked up to see none other than Rainbow Dash.

“Everything all right here?” the blue pegasus mare asked.

Caps Lock looked at Rainbow Dash and his jaw dropped. “Oh…my…Celestia…Look at this fag! Look at your fuckin’ mane! You’re out loud and proud, aren’t ya?”

“What’s a fag? Rainbow Dash asked, turning to the fillies out of confusion.

“We don’t know! But he’s always saying and doing mean things, so it must be something bad!” Scootaloo explained, wrapping her hooves around Rainbow Dash’s leg and looking into her eyes.

Rainbow Dash looked over to Caps Lock and her eyes narrowed. “So is he a bully?” she asked.

“He’s something called a troll,” Sweetie Belle answered.

“AND YOU’RE ALL FAAAAAGS!” Caps Lock shouted. Rainbow Dash flared her wings and slowly trotted over to the obnoxious colt.

Caps Lock didn’t back down. He looked up at the pegasus and gave her the biggest, goofiest smile he could. All Rainbow Dash could do was try to make the most intimidating face she was capable of.

“You look like you have a stick up your ass,” Caps Lock laughed, pointing at Rainbow Dash’s “angry face.”

“As a Wonderbolt-in-training, I’m not allowed to hurt you, but if I wasn’t—”

“Wonderbolts are gay. Only queers like you would want to be one,” Caps Lock interrupted.

“What did you say?” Rainbow Dash asked, scratching at the ground with her hoof.

The CMC instantly recognized Caps Lock’s ploy. “Don’t let him make you mad, Rainbow!” Apple Bloom shouted.

“Call him a skank!” Scootaloo suggested.

Rainbow Dash pronounced the word slowly to herself. “Where are you getting all these words?!” she asked after realizing she didn’t know what a fag, or a troll, or a skank were.

“Oh, so you’re dumb and ugly?” Caps Lock said with a sneer.

Rainbow whipped her head around to look at the colt once more. Her nostrils flared and her eye began to twitch. The CMC watched and sighed, wishing the pony with the shortest temper had stayed out of the ordeal.

Caps Lock began wondering what his new opponent’s breaking point was. He felt he was close, but it wasn’t about the destination, it was about the journey. If he was lucky, he could drag this out for an hour or two, he thought to himself.

“Get out of the way noob,” Caps Lock said, literally pushing Rainbow Dash out of his face. “I’m working here.” He trotted toward the CMC, walking around Rainbow Dash every time she landed in front of him.

“No! You leave them alone!” Rainbow shouted. He continued to ignore her until he was face-to-face with Sweetie Belle.

“So...You ever stick that horn up your friend’s va—”

“I said leave them alone!” Rainbow Dash shouted, spinning the colt around. Caps Lock instantly dropped to the ground and began crying.

“My shoulder! My shoulder!” he wailed, clutching onto his right shoulder. “She broke it!”

Rainbow Dash looked around nervously, afraid somepony may have witnessed her act. It never occurred to her that the colt was faking. Before the CMC could warn Rainbow Dash, she had placed herself over the colt for a better view of his shoulder.

“I’m sorry! Shhhh! Shhhhhh!” Rainbow Dash whispered, trying to think of a way out of the situation. The moment she looked away from Caps Lock, he grinned and brought his rear hoof up with extreme force. It connected with a very sensitive part of Rainbow Dash’s mare anatomy and she collapsed to the ground.

“Rainbow!” the three fillies shouted in unison. They gathered around the downed pegasus as Caps Lock laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

“RIGHT IN THE FOAL FACTORY!” Caps Lock laughed, rolling on the ground. After a moment, he added, “I bet that’s the closest thing she’s ever had to penetration!”

The CMC looked from their injured role model, and then to the colt that had brought her harm.

Maybe they’d get their cutie marks in ass-kicking.

Author's Note

My apologies for the crude language and use of derogatory terms. It's only going to get worse. Caps Lock is not just a troll. He is bred from all the hate and negativity of the internet. It's hard to stop someone so insensitive.

X: Rustled Jimmies

“Scootaloo! Hold his back legs!”

“Ah’ll get his front ones!”

“What are you fags—HEY! STOP IT! LEMME GO!”

While Rainbow Dash was still curled up in a ball off to the side, coughing and moaning, the CMC jumped Caps Lock and pinned him to the ground. Their hooves pressed hard onto his flesh and he cried out in pain. His cries garnered no remorse, however, as the fillies looked down at him with hatred.

“How DARE you hurt Rainbow Dash?!” Sweetie Belle shouted as Caps Lock struggled to break from his captors. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo did their best to keep the flailing colt against the ground.

“Oh! You gotta take me in numbers?!” Caps Lock shouted. “Come on! One V one me! One V one me! One V one me!”

He kept repeating the phrase until Sweetie Belle pushed her hoof into his chest. “Just shut up!” she shouted.

“What in the hay is goin’ on here?”

The four ponies looked up to see Apple Jack making her way from Sweet Apple Acres with a wagon of apples. She first looked from the young ponies, and then to her friend Rainbow Dash.

“Are ya’ll tryin’ to get yer cutie marks by fightin’ now?” Apple Jack asked. “And Rainbow Dash, did you actually lose?”

“No!” the pegasus replied angrily, trying to defend her pride. She slowly stood up and walked over to the captive Caps Lock. “This little brat kicked me in the—”

“VAGINA!” Caps Lock shouted over her. He then went into a fit of laughter that ended when Sweetie Belle applied more pressure to his chest. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom fought to keep his legs under their control.

Rainbow Dash seriously contemplated stepping on the colt’s privates, just to see how he liked it. Apple Jack walked over and looked down at Caps Lock, and he smiled up at her.

“What’s with the hat?” Caps Lock asked snidely. “I bet you’re—MMPH!”

Sweetie Belle put her other hoof over Caps Lock’s mouth to silence him before he could rile up Apple Jack. “He keeps doing and saying mean things!” Sweetie shouted.

“He’s a troll!” Scootaloo shouted.

“And you’re all FA—MMPH! MMPH-MPPHS!” was all Caps Lock managed to get out before having a hoof slammed over his mouth again.

“Ah don’t know what a troll is, but if he’s been wrong doin’, he should be taught a lesson,” Apple Jack said.

Caps Lock’s eyes went wide and he began thrashing, eventually breaking free of the CMC. “You’re not teaching me SHIT!” he shouted into Apple Jack’s face, sending her reeling backwards. “You talk like a retard! You probably couldn’t tell me the ABC’s!”

“Easy where you’re treadin’ there, pardner,” Apple Jack said slowly. She brought the brim of her hat down to just above her eyes. Rainbow Dash stepped beside the angry earth pony, trying to warn her about the game Caps Lock was playing.

Rainbow Dash leaned in close to Apple Jack and whispered into her ear, “He’s going to try to—”

“Whoa! You see that? They kissed!” Caps Lock shouted, pointing at the two mares. “LESBIANS!”

Apple Jack and Rainbow Dash looked at each other and their faces turned red. They took a step away from each other and looked angrily to Caps Lock.

“Don’t go spreadin’ lies like that! She was just tellin’ me somethin', that's all!” Apple Jack shouted, denying the accusations. “What was it you were gonna tell me, Rainbow?” she asked, turning back to Rainbow Dash.

“I’m tryin’ to tell you that—”

“GAAAAAAAAAY!” Caps lock shouted over Rainbow Dash.

“Stop it, Caps Lock!” Sweetie Belle shouted.

The colt smiled back at the fillies. “Okay,” he said calmly. Without another word, he hitched up his school bag and began trotting off. All anypony could do was stare as their tormentor walked off casually.

Wait for it…wait for it…

“I ain’t done with you yet!” Apple Jack shouted, spinning the colt around. Just like with Rainbow Dash, he dropped to the ground and instantly began crying. Apple Jack was suddenly overcome with fear, and she forgot her anger toward the colt.

“Shh! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean ta hurt ya!” she apologized, trying to stop the colt from crying. Rainbow Dash and the three fillies pulled AJ away from Caps Lock as fast as they could.

“It’s a trap!” Scootaloo yelled.

Caps Lock’s cries were interrupted by a snort of laughter. He pulled himself up from the ground and looked to the five ponies. “It’s been fun,” he said, saluting them all. “But I’ve seriously got more important things to do.” He then turned to the CMC before whispering, “I’ll see you three…tomorrow…”

The fillies looked to each other nervously as Caps Lock walked away. This time, neither Rainbow Dash nor Apple Jack tried to stop him. They waited till he was out of sight to discuss their situation.

“Let me just…fly him to the top of a mountain and leave him there!” Rainbow Dash suggested. “Or toss him into space! Nopony would ever know!”

Apple Jack listened as the others discussed horrible things to do to Caps Lock. Finally she said, “What Ah think ya gotta do is beat him at his own game.”

“We tried that, but we weren’t any good at it, sis!” Apple Bloom pouted. She looked from her sister, then to her two friends. “Twilight was good at it, though! Let’s see her tomorrow after class!”

“What about me? I can be mean!” Rainbow Dash said, almost offended they hadn’t consulted her first. They just shook their heads in disapproval.

“You don’t understand. Twilight said things that really made him mad! And they weren’t names, or, or anything bad like what he says!” Sweetie Belle said.

The CMC agreed on meeting Twilight at the library the next day. They split up and went to their own homes for the night. Sweetie Belle spent the night at Rarity’s Boutique, listening through the walls to her sister muttering the word “skank” repeatedly. Apple Bloom had a similar night, listening to Apple Jack struggle to recite her ABC’s correctly.

The next day at school, Cherilee greeted the student as they entered her classroom. Caps Lock was the last to wander in and his smile instantly aggravated the teacher.

“Caps Lock, dear, I have a special seat for you today,” Cherilee said, indicating to a desk set apart from the rest of the class.

He looked at the desk and happily sat at it. After setting down his school bag, he looked up and gave his teacher an extra big smile.

What’s he planning? Cherilee thought to herself. She turned to address the rest of class, cheerfully saying, “Good morning! I hope you’re all feeling better today!”

The classroom had been bleached over night to clean up the vomit, but the smell of bleach alone was enough to turn some of the students’ stomachs. Caps Lock laughed loudly and continued to stare at Cherilee.

“Now, yesterday we were supposed to go over a sensitive topic, and I feel like we’ve put it off long enough,” Cherilee said. The classroom sighed before the teacher even picked up the chalk. She wrote out “The Birds and the Bees” in big letters and turned to the class. “I have some good news though, class,” she said with a smile.

“You’ll be demonstrating?” Caps Lock said without a second’s delay. Snickers and quiet laughs could be heard through the otherwise quiet classroom. All it took to really get them going was Caps Lock adding, “Demonstrating…on me!”

Cherilee just listened to her own thoughts as she waited for the class to settle down. Maybe I could just have Rainbow Dash toss him into space. “Settle down, class,” she said, trying to quiet them. “As I was saying, the good news is…” she paused, waiting for whatever snide remark Caps Lock had planned.

Caps Lock just sat at his desk quietly with a crayon in his mouth. He looked up when Cherilee didn’t continue speaking and said, “No, go on, I’ll allow it this time.”

The teacher’s eye twitched, but she turned to class and continued. “We’ll be having a guest speaker today to help explain everything.”

The class started whispering excitedly, knowing that a guest speaker meant they wouldn’t have to listen to Cherilee drone on about puberty and erections. A knock came at the door and all the ponies went silent. Cherilee opened the door and poked her head out; speaking with whomever was outside for a moment before looking back to the class.

“Class,” Cherilee said, opening the door and allowing a yellow pegasus mare to enter, “please help me welcome our guest speaker, Fluttershy!”

XI: The Game

The class greeted Fluttershy and watched as she carried a cage with two bunnies to the front of the class room. She set them down and turned to smile at the students. Cherilee closed the classroom door and walked over to Caps Lock.

“You’d better be on your best behavior today,” she whispered to him. He paid her little to no mind as he continued drawing. She glanced at his drawings and rolled her eyes after seeing an over-exaggerated picture of himself with what looked like a fifth leg coming out of his crotch.

“Hello everypony,” Fluttershy began, “I’m here to talk about where babies come from. It’s something all you fillies and colts are going to need to know about.”

Caps Lock, like many of the students, let out a sigh and rolled his eyes. “How long is this going to take?” he shouted.

Fluttershy turned to look at the colt. “It won’t take long,” she said calmly. “If you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer them.”

The pegasus turned back to the class and began explaining the basic differences between colts and fillies. Caps Lock felt the need to shout the slang term for every technical term she listed. The class would laugh, but Fluttershy would simply wait for them to quiet down before continuing.

The lesson progressed until Fluttershy got to the part where she had to describe the mechanics of sex. Caps Lock’s hoof shot into the air, and Fluttershy turned to look at him. “Oh, do you have a question?” she asked with interest.

“Yeah,” Caps Lock said with a grin. “What’s your favorite position?”

Fluttershy began to blush and started stammering, “T-that’s no concern of yours. And today, a-all we’ll be talking about is m-m-missionary.”

“Ha! You’re a virgin, aren’t you?” Caps Lock shouted, pointing to Fluttershy. Her expression suddenly changed from flustered, to surprisingly calm. She took two steps toward Caps Lock and looked him right in his eyes. He smiled at her, but it was his expression that faltered.

“I’m glad you brought up that word,” she said, loud enough for only the two of them to hear. “Class,” she said, turning around and speaking at her regular volume, “can anypony tell me what a virgin is?”

The class looked to each other in confusion, and before Caps Lock could open his mouth, Fluttershy said, “A virgin is a pony that hasn’t had sex yet. This colt here,” she said, putting her hoof out towards Caps Lock, “is a virgin. You should all be virgins at your age.”

“Fuck you!” Caps Lock shouted, “I ain’t a virgin! I bang bitches every night!”

“Caps Lock! Language!” Cherilee shouted.

“Having your virginity is nothing to be ashamed of,” Fluttershy said calmly. “You should wait until you find that special somepony before giving it away.”

Caps Lock looked down at his drawing angrily, and began extending the fifth leg he’d given himself. Fluttershy walked back to the caged rabbits and opened the cover of their cage. She carefully removed one of the rabbits, and held it up for the class to see.

“This is Mr. Bunny,” she said, nuzzling the creature with her cheek. “He’s going to be helping us understand how mating works.”

She carefully placed Mr. Bunny into Mrs. Bunny’s side of the cage and asked the class to gather around. The colts and fillies slowly got up from their seats and walked to the front of the classroom. Caps Lock remained in his seat, adding giant circles onto his drawing’s fifth leg. He listened as the class oooh’d, awww’d, and giggled as Mr. Bunny “wrestled” with Mrs. Bunny.

When the rabbits were done, Fluttershy put a sheet over their cage. “In a few months, Mrs. Bunny will have baby bunnies,” Fluttershy explained. She then looked at the student’s faces to confirm they understood her lecture. “Any questions?”

“Yeah, right here!” Caps Lock shouted, thrusting his hoof into the air. “Are you gay?” Fluttershy kept her back turned to the colt, and again asked if there were any questions. “Hey!” Caps Lock shouted. “I asked if you’re gaaaaay! Show us how two mares would do it!”

“Well class, if you have any questions, you can always ask either Cherilee or me,” Fluttershy said calmly. “I hope you all have a wonderful day and I hope I helped you to understand where foals come from.”

As Fluttershy left the classroom, the class clapped their hooves together politely. Caps Lock felt the need to “boo” loudly, but still caught no attention from the pegasus. “I bet she likes it in the butt!” he shouted after the door closed.

“Caps Lock,” Cherilee said, putting her hoof against her head, “must you constantly act out?”

“Act out? You haven’t seen me act out,” Caps Lock replied.

The rest of the day was a nonstop argument between Cherilee and the disruptive colt. He’d bring up religion during science discussion, conspiracies during history, and geography during math. It seemed the further off topic he could get the class, the more accomplished he felt. The CMC watched as their teacher and classmates did nothing but “feed” Caps Lock more and more, until the whole classroom was just a great big argument.

At recess, Caps Lock made his rounds on the playground, riling up the isolated groups until they fought amongst themselves. Once the inner fighting began, he’d smile and move onto a new group.

“I think Fluttershy is the only pony he’s had no effect on,” Sweetie Belle whispered to her friends. They were hiding under the jungle gym, watching as Caps Lock instigated several fights. Cherilee had all she could do to quell the fighting.

“But all she did was ignore him, it’s not like she made fun of him like Twilight did,” Scootaloo said.

“Uh, where’d he go?” Apple Bloom asked, looking around the playground. Cherilee was across the playground, trying to separate Snips and Snails after Caps Lock had sent them into a fit. It was the last place they’d seen the colt, and it’s not like he could have gone far.

Something wet dripped onto Sweetie Belle’s head and she looked up to see Caps Lock hanging from the monkey bars above them. He smiled and watched as another stream of saliva ran from his tongue and dripped right onto Sweetie Belle’s face.

“EW! GROSS!” Sweetie Belle said in disgust. “GO AWAY CAPS LOCK!”

“FREE COUNTRY, BIAAAAATCH!” Caps Lock replied. He then turned to the other two fillies. “Now that your older pony pals aren’t here to help you, you’re alllll miiiiiine.”

The three fillies got up and walked across the playground toward Cherilee. Caps Lock jumped in front of them and put his hooves out to stop them.

“Where are you going? You’re not going to complain to an admin, are you?” he asked. “Only pussies report other players!”

The CMC walked around Caps Lock and straight up to Cherilee. She had Snips on one side of her and Snails on the other, and she winced every time either of them would shout at the other. Her expression was devoid of all emotions, and she seemed to look right through the fillies.

Before any of them could say anything, Caps Lock shouted, “Don’t ban me, bro! Don’t ban me!”

Cherilee looked from Caps Lock, then down to the fillies. “What?” she asked flatly. Eventually, she gave up restraining Snips and Snails, and let them crash into each other.

“Uh, are you alright?” Sweetie Belle asked her teacher.

“Hmm? Oh, I’m fine,” Cherilee responded lazily. “Do you girls need something?”

They could tell their teacher was in no mood for their complaints. It seemed liked Caps Lock had finally got the best of her. Now, instead of dealing with him directly, she had to clean up his aftermath. It wasn’t about who started the fight, it was about who was continuing it.

“N-no, we’re fine,” Apple Bloom replied, not wanting to bother her further. She and the others turned to go, only to see Caps Lock smiling and making provocative gestures at them; thrusting his pelvis similar to the way Mr. Bunny had done.

The school bell rang and the class returned to their seats. Cherilee was done trying to teach anything for the day, and simply wrote “Quiet Reading” across the board. While the rest of class was busy reading, Caps Lock was busy writing his own book…and reading it aloud.

“Then…Caps Lock…took his sword…and killed all the orphans…and puppies…and ugly fillies…and—”

“Caps Lock!” Cherilee shouted at last. “It’s QUIET reading! Read QUIETLY!”

“Oops, sorry,” he apologized. He lowered his voice and continued on with his riveting novel. “And…then…Caps…Lock…put…his…huge…gigantic…throbbing…”

Cherilee stood up and walked to the door while Caps Lock continued listing adjectives for whatever he was describing. She looked right at the class as she pulled down the fire alarm. The siren began wailing and the sprinklers doused freezing water all over the students.

“Class, it looks like we’re having a fire drill!” she shouted over the siren. “Gather your things and go home!”

The students ran out of the building, shielding their belongings from the water. Cherilee stood by the door to make sure no pony was left behind. The water drenched her mane and she looked very similar to Pinkie Pie on a bad day. Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle ran from the building, determined to evade Caps Lock. They sprinted past a couple confused fire fighters and into the town.

“Ah don’t think Miss Cherilee can handle too much more of Caps Lock,” Apple Bloom said, shaking the water from her mane.

“Then it’s up to us as Cutie Mark Crusaders to stop him!” Scootaloo shouted.

“And Fluttershy will help us!” Sweetie Belle added. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo just gave her confused looks. “What?” she asked.

“You mean Twilight is gonna help us. All Fluttershy did was ignore him. That’s not going to stop him,” Scootaloo answered.

“And if that doesn’t work, we can have mah brother beat him up!” Apple Bloom suggested as they approached the Golden Oaks Library.

They knocked on the front door and waited for an answer. It was dark inside the tree, and it didn’t appear either Spike or Twilight were home. Scootaloo began pounding on the door with her hooves and eventually the door swung open on its own free will.

“H-hello?” the fillies said into the darkness. Their words echoed around the empty library. They took a few steps in and could hear a distant clicking noise coming from somewhere in the darkness. There was a staircase near one of the bookshelves and an eerie glow was coming from the bottom of it. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom pushed Sweetie Belle ahead of them and forced her to descend the stairs first.

“Twilight? Are you there?” Sweetie called down. The clicking noises had intensified, but no response was heard. They reached the bottom step and looked around nervously. Set in the corner, in front of a bright screen, was Twilight Sparkle.

“Twilight? It’s Apple Bloom.”

“And Scootaloo.”

“And Sweetie Belle,” the fillies said, giving their names. “Are you alright?”

Twilight turned slowly from the screen to look at her visitors. Her eyes were bloodshot and her mane was a mess. “Hello girls,” she said without blinking. The words came out hoarse, as if she had been deprived of water.

“Twilight, what are you doin’ down here?” Apple Bloom asked, approaching the purple unicorn. In the blink of an eye, Twilight had snatched up the filly and held her right up to her face. Her eyes stared unfocused into those of the filly.

“Let me tell you…about the internet…”

Author's Note

I feel this chapter was not my best, but after the fifth rewrite, I needed to get SOMETHING out so I could finish the damn story.

XII: Rage Quit

“You…you learned how to internet?” Apple Bloom asked fearfully into Twilight’s unblinking eyes.

“Oh, I learned how to internet alright,” she replied, setting the scared filly down. She turned back to her screen and began clicking on the mouse furiously again. Images and documents flashed across the screen too fast for any pony other than Twilight to comprehend.

“Did you not sleep last night?” Sweetie Belle asked, looking up at Twilight’s bloodshot eyes.

“Couldn’t,” Twilight replied quickly. “Too much new information to process.”

She clicked on a string of letters and it brought up a page with pictures of cats. All the pictures were captioned with poorly worded phrases, and Twilight laughed as she scrolled through the page.

“Look,” she said, pointing to a picture of a large cat with its mouth open and its head titled sideways. “I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?” she read aloud from the caption. “You see, it’s funny because it makes it look like the cat is asking the question, and seeing as cats can’t talk, it would speak poorly. HAHAHAHAHAHA!” The CMC looked to each other nervously as Twilight laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

“Hey, that looks like Opalescence!” Sweetie Belle shouted as Twilight continued to scroll through the page. Indeed, there was a picture of Rarity’s cat with the caption “I had fun once. It was awful.”

“LIKED AND FAVOURITED!” Twilight shouted, mashing onto her mouse. A little green +1 appeared next to the picture of Opal, and Twilight kept scrolling.

“Twilight, we need your help with Caps Lock!” Scootaloo said, tugging on Twilight’s hoof. “You’re the only one who managed to—”

“Look!” Twilight shouted, pointing at her screen. There was a black box with “wait for it” written in the middle. The fillies stared at the box for a few moments, and just when it appeared nothing was going to happen, a demonic mare’s face flashed onto the screen. A loud, high pitched scream came from the computer’s speakers, but it could barely be heard over the actual screams of the CMC.

The three terrified fillies closed their eyes and listened as Twilight laughed hysterically. “That wasn’t funny!” Sweetie Belle shouted. “You’re acting like Caps Lock now!”

“That’s the point, girls,” Twilight said gently. “What I just did there is called trolling.”

“Is trolling what a troll does?” Apple Bloom asked, opening her eyes.

“Exactly,” Twilight answered. “I found the definition on this website right here.” She clicked onto a link she’d saved and “CanterlotDictionary.com” popped up. Twilight went to type in TROLL, but saw she didn’t recognize the word of the day.

“Go on, what’s a troll?” Sweetie Belle asked. She watched as Twilight’s hoof slowly dragged the cursor over to the word of the day. “And what’s a ‘Screaming Seagull’?”

“Let’s just find that out first,” Twilight said clicking on the phrase. The definition loaded and Twilight began reading it to herself. “When two ponies are…on the beach…and the male…into…the sand…and…OH, THAT’S TERRIBLE!”

“What? What?” the fillies asked, struggling to look at the screen.

“Nothing!” Twilight shouted, quickly hitting the back button and typing TROLL into the search bar. “Where were we? Oh yes! A troll just purposely does things to get a certain reaction from its victims. Usually anger.”

“Does it say how to stop a troll?” Apple Bloom asked, lifting herself up into Twilight’s lap for a better view of the computer screen.

“Every time I’ve searched that, all I get back is the cryptic phrase, ‘don’t feed the troll’. I don’t know what it means,” Twilight answered.

Sweetie Belle looked up with realization. “Fluttershy,” she whispered. The others looked to her in confusion. “Fluttershy didn’t ‘feed’ Caps Lock by ignoring him.”

Twilight scoffed and then said, “You can’t simply ignore your problems…Can you?”

“Well, it worked for Fluttershy; we can at least try it!” Sweetie Belle shouted. They nodded in agreement and ran up out of the library’s basement. Twilight looked around to make sure she was alone once more and opened several tabs. Pictures of stallions in various positions appeared on the screen and Twilight licked her lips.

“Hey Twilight!” a voice shouted from the stairwell.

Twilight panicked and force closed her entire browser. She turned to see Scootaloo standing at the base of the stairs, and hoped she hadn’t seen any of Twilight’s private browsing material. “Y-yes? What is it Scootaloo?”

“Did you ever find out what a blue waffle was?”

Twilight gagged, but regained her composure. “I did, unfortunately,” she replied.

“Well, what was it?” Scootaloo asked with curiosity.

“It was a mare’s—actually—you don’t need to know!” Twilight said, trying to get the image from her mind. “Just know this; it isn’t as bad as Tub Mare.”

“Tub Mare? Is that like Two Mares One Cup?”

“What?”

“Nothing!” Scootaloo shouted, running back up the stairs.

Twilight scratched her head and turned back to her computer. She’d spent several hours on the internet and there was still so much she had to learn. It didn’t help there was so much easily accessible pornographic material that kept distracting her. For a moment, she debated indulging in her fantasies some more, but decided she would look into Two Mares One Cup.

The fillies were about a mile away when Twilight’s screams of disgust echoed through the town. They and several town ponies stopped and listened for several moments before the screams finally faded.

“Was that Twilight?” Apple Bloom asked.

“It sounded like her…Oh look! It’s Fluttershy!” Sweetie Belle shouted. Picking out some vegetables in the town market was indeed Fluttershy. The fillies went to approach her, but Caps Lock appeared from behind one of the stalls and beat them there.

He ran up to Fluttershy and pulled down on her tail. “Hey!” he shouted, trying to get her attention.

She winced at having her tail tugged on, and turned to look at Caps Lock. “That’s very rude!” she said assertively.

“I don’t need to be polite when I’ve got this much swaaaaaag!” Caps Lock said, brushing his mane back. He then looked back up at Fluttershy angrily. “Why do you hate me?”

Fluttershy looked around nervously. “Um, I don’t hate you. I just don’t like you. You’re a mean, foul-mouth little colt,” Fluttershy said calmly, “but I hope you have a nice day.” And with that, Fluttershy grabbed her shopping basket and began trotting away.

Caps Lock just stood dumbfounded. “Hey, I’m not done with you!” he shouted, galloping toward Fluttershy. The CMC followed close behind and watched as Caps Lock got angrier and angrier. “Don’t lie! Tell me why you hate me!”

This time, Fluttershy offered no response and simply went to the next vegetable stand. She had a normal interaction with the vendor as Caps Lock shouted obscenities over her. The colt’s face was turning red and the CMC watched with amusement. Fluttershy paid for her purchase and turned to go to another stall, but Caps Lock was blocking her.

“It’s because I’m gay, isn’t it! That’s why you hate me!” he shouted.

“I told you I don’t hate you, and I’m very proud of you for being so open with your life choices,” Fluttershy said with a smile.

Caps Lock sputtered angrily. “No, dammit! I’m not gay! ARRRRG!”

“Are you confused?” Fluttershy asked with what was definitely not concern, “I can show you Mr. and Mrs. Bunny again.”

“No! I don’t wanna see two rabbits humping!” Caps Lock shouted. “I wanna hump you!” He began thrusting his pelvis toward Fluttershy and she just looked at him with one eyebrow raised. “Yeah! You want some of this! TASTE MY MOISTURE MISSLE!” Caps Lock shouted.

Fluttershy rolled her eyes and walked away from the deviant colt. She’d had enough of his antics and felt she’d fed him more than she should have.

Caps Lock ground his teeth and stomped on the ground. Of all the easy targets he’d had, why wasn’t this one affected? He was just going to cut his losses and find something else to do, but he turned to see Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle.

“What are you looking at?” he shouted. The fillies looked to each other and said nothing. “Are you deaf? I asked you a question!” Still no response. Caps Lock narrowed his eyes in realization. “Oh! You’re gonna be like that piss-colored pony and ignore me!”

“E’yup,” Apple Bloom said, sounding almost like her brother. The three fillies walked away from Caps Lock, hoping he wouldn’t follow them. But of course, a few moments later they heard—

“Where ya goin’?”

The CMC ignored him.

“You can’t ignore me forever!” Caps Lock shouted.

Forever is a long time and even Caps Lock didn’t have the patience. His feeble attempts at provoking the ponies eventually gave way to straight up screaming. They refused to acknowledge his presence as they went about their daily business, and he quickly went to look for other targets. Soon, the other ponies of Ponyville learned just to ignore Caps Lock, or at the very least, never take anything he said to heart.

If not for Diamond Tiara, Caps Lock likely would have starved to death from the lack of his victims feeding him. Cherilee allowed them to go back and forth during class, just to see which one of them caved first. It was usually Diamond Tiara…but she was learning.

After the Two Mares One Cup incident, Twilight decided she’d had enough internet for the rest of eternity, and destroyed her computer. There was truly a reason Celestia didn’t want her to ever go there. Well…there were many reasons.

Lastly, the CMC did not get their cutie marks in counter-trolling, but no matter how difficult it had been, they learned to never feed a troll.

Author's Note

Thank you all for reading! Your comments have been both helpful and humorous. I hope you enjoyed it, and I also hope you stay on the look out for the epilogue. In the epilogue, Caps Lock goes home, defeated from being ignored and decides to play Battle Stallion. During his first match, his long time arch enemies, SunButt69, NMM1337, and Disco Chord420, join the game.

EPILOGUE

Caps Lock mumbled quietly as he trudged home. He’d let himself be defeated far too easily. Had it been in an epic troll-off, he wouldn’t have been so upset, but being ignored was a disgraceful way to lose. A game or two of Battle Stallion 3 and he’d be back on his hooves and full of new ideas for a new day.

Before he even opened his front door, he could hear his parents shouting at each other. He stood outside with his hoof on the doorknob, hoping that maybe they’d calm down before he entered. After a moment, the shouting only got louder and he heard his father’s voice approaching the door. Caps Lock opened the door and his father huffed out without even looking at him. His mother ran screaming after him, and Caps Lock slipped in unnoticed behind her.

He grabbed a soda from the refrigerator and locked himself in his bedroom. The tiny space was cramped and cluttered with trash, even though his family had only just moved in. The only things he’d bothered to unpack after the move was his TV, and his gaming system.

With the push of a button, his TV screen lit up and “Battle Stallion 3” appeared in big bold letters. Caps Lock put on his headset and selected “multiplayer” from the menu options. It took only a few moments for him to be thrown into a lobby full of other players.

“What up, bitches?!” Caps Lock shouted into his microphone. Instantly, a collective groan went through the lobby.

“Oh, not him again,” one of the players moaned, the microphone icon appearing next to his gamer name.

“Dude, back out, back out! I’m not facing this ass again,” another player shouted. The two players disappeared from the lobby and the game began searching for new opponents.

“They can’t handle my swag!” Caps Lock shouted. He took a drink of his soda and burped loudly into his headset. Another moan went through the lobby. Eventually, two replacement players joined in, and the match got ready to begin.

“Oh no, that fag QwikScopz99 is on our team,” an older sounding player muttered.

Caps Lock looked at his team to see which one of them was talking. The list went from highest rank to lowest, and of course Caps Lock, A.K.A. QwickScopz99, was on the top. At the bottom of the list was BatPwny, and he continued to talk.

“I bet he boosted for that rank,” BatPwny went on.

“Hey! What was that?” Caps Lock shouted. “I can’t hear you all the way at the top of the leaderboard!” The screen went black as the map began loading and Caps Lock screamed a high pitch scream into his microphone.

“Shut the hell up! Ugh! Why didn’t I mute you?!” a voice shouted. Caps Lock loved the fact he couldn’t be muted while the game was loading, so every pony in the lobby had to listen to him.

At long last, the map loaded and Caps Lock began choosing his load out. Every single one had the most over powered weapons and perks, and he chose a quick scoping class. The match timer counted down and the second it hit zero, Caps Lock mashed on his controller. The stallion on the screen reared back and lobbed an explosive into the air. A few moments later, there was an explosion and Caps Lock was awarded credit for two kills.

“You bitches all see that?!” Caps Lock laughed into his headset. He sent his character into a frenzy of spins and crouches while firing his rifle into the air.

“Dude, just shut up and help us take the point,” BatPwny shouted. His character ran past Caps Lock’s character and toward the objective point.

Caps Lock stopped spinning and watched his teammate approaching some explosive barrels. He grinned and zoomed in on the barrels. As soon as BatPwny was passing by them, Caps Lock pulled his trigger and the barrels exploded. BatPwny’s character flew through the air like a ragdoll and was credited for committing suicide.

“TROLOLOLOL!” Caps Lock laughed.

“DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK?!” BatPwny shouted as Caps Lock celebrated his penalty-free betrayal.

“Quit dicking around and help me take the point!” a young female voice shouted through their headsets.

“OH EHM GEE! IS THAT A FILLY?!” Caps Lock yelled excitedly. He moved his character toward the point and saw his teammate B4DS33D prone on the ground by a flag. “Yo, B-four-D-S, send me a friend request!”

“It’s Bad Seed, you moron, and no!” the filly shouted with a Manehatten accent. An explosive landed next to the filly’s stallion and beeped before exploding. B4DS33D killed by Cider Monkey appeared in the kill feed.

Caps Lock brought his sniper up to his eye and pulled the trigger before anything was visible through the scope. He heard a *ping* and got credit for a killing Cider Monkey. “Quick scoped!” he shouted triumphantly.

“You’re such a fag,” BatPwny said. “I’m outta here.”

The screen froze and “Connection interrupted: Migrating Host” appeared in big letters. “Lol, rage quit!” Caps Lock said. One by one, all the players in the lobby lost connection, leaving only him in the game. The game reloaded and Caps Lock began firing his sniper into the air triumphantly.

An announcer accompanied a message that appeared in the middle of the screen. “Enemy team forfeiting in five, four, three, two…” Before the game could end, several new players joined the game and were spread between the two teams.

Caps Lock barely paid any attention to the gamer names and sent his character to his favorite “camping” spot on the map. All was quiet as his new teammates chose their load outs and got ready for battle. The enemy team had connected first, and Caps Lock saw two of them approaching his spot. Before he could raise his weapon, his character rag dolled and blood exploded from its head.

“What was that?!” he shouted, looking to the kill feed. “QwickScopz99 killed by SunButt69. "No! Not him again!” he shouted. The player known as SunButt69 was the only reason he’d failed to get his K/D ratio to 4.0 the prior weekend. He’d followed Caps Lock into every game and killed him every time he spawned.

“Aw dude, four strength, four stam leather belt, AUGH! Level 18? UHHH!”

Caps Lock brought up the lobby list and saw his new teammate Disco Chord420 was mic spamming with a sound board. Before he could mute the player, his character dropped dead again; victim to SunButt69. “Oh come on!” Caps Lock shouted.

“Yes, let the hate flow through you,” a deeper voice said, coming from Disco. Caps Lock gritted his teeth and chose his best weapon load out. He didn’t have time to mute his annoying teammate, and he ran back to the point he’d been contesting. He didn’t get more than two feet from it before his character’s head exploded again. This time, he chose to watch his kill cam, and saw SunButt69 quick scoping him from across the map.

Disco Chord420 was back where he’d spawned, emptying his machine gun into the air and spinning rapidly. All the while, low quality dubstep blared through his mic. Caps Lock tried to ignore it while he ran back to where he kept dying. This time, another player encountered him. Caps Lock shot at them, but they dropped to the ground and shot at him simultaneously

“Fucking drop-shotter!” Caps shouted. He had to wait five seconds before spawning back in and didn’t want to watch the kill cam. Instead, he watched as the player that killed him positioned their stallion over his dead body. “Don’t do it,” he said angrily. There was a short pause before the enemy stallion began popping squats on his dead character’s face.

Caps Lock brought up the kill feed and saw it was NMM1337 that had killed him. “NMM! You’re my bitch for the rest of this game!” he shouted. As soon as he spawned, he was shot in the face by a shotgun and dropped dead. NMM1337 was standing next to his teammate Disco Chord and both began “tea-bagging” his body.

“The enemy team is nearing victory!” the announcer’s voice shouted. One by one, Caps Lock’s teammates began leaving until it was just him and Disco. When he finally got to spawn back in, he was placed on the opposite side of the map. He saw two enemies with their backs turned to him and began firing. Before he could kill either, SunButt69 came out of nowhere. The enemy tossed a tomahawk that embedded right in Caps Lock’s character’s head, killing him instantly.

“ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!” Caps Lock shouted, nearly throwing his controller across his room. The match ended and he could hear uproarious laughter coming from the enemy team.

“Sister! Sister! Did you see that?” SunButt69 asked with a distinctly feminine voice.

“We did, sister!” NMM1337 replied excitedly in a female voice as well. “Let’s watch it again!” Everyone in the game watched as the final kill cam of the game was played from SunButt69’s perspective. Her stallion was levitating the tomahawk long before Caps Lock spawned in. It jumped off a ledge and spun around in slow motion before releasing the tomahawk. The throwing projectile spun through the air and zeroed in on Caps Lock.

A collective “OHHHH!” went through the lobby as the stallion dropped to the ground. The screen went black and the players were returned to a pre-game lobby.

“You’re a bitch, SunButt!” Caps Lock shouted, his voice cracking. The lobby laughed at how young he sounded.

“We have a squeaker!” SunButt69 shouted. Another laugh went through the lobby.

“And you sound like you’re forty! Shut up!” Caps Lock replied. Before they could reply, he backed out of the lobby. A commotion started outside Caps Lock’s room as his parents burst back into the house. He turned up his headset volume and tried to ignore them.

He began searching for a new game and after a moment, it made him the host for other players to connect to. Almost instantly, SunButt, NMM, and Disco joined his lobby. Before any of them could say anything, the argument outside Caps Lock’s room exploded. A full lobby connected and everypony stopped their conversations to listen to Caps Lock’s parents.

“Dude, who has the shitty mic? Turn that shit down! It sounds like somepony is getting raped!” one of the new players commented.

“That would be QwickScopz,” SunButt commented. “It sounds like his parents’ marriage was ruined after he was born.”

The lobby laughed and Caps Lock rage quit from it. An icon blinked in the top left corner of his screen, indicating he had a new message. He opened his inbox and saw there was a message from Disco Chord420. The subject was, ‘Sweet Dreams’ and Caps Lock opened it out of curiosity. A photo of a laughing, blood spattered clown flashed across his screen and carnival music blared through his headset.

He literally pissed himself. It took him about twenty minutes to recover, and when he did, he snuck his urine soaked bedding out of his room and past his parents. His father and mother were now on the couch screaming, only not at each other anymore. Caps Lock tossed the bedding into the laundry room, grabbed another soda, and returned to his room.

His inbox now said he had over a hundred messages; all from SunButt, NMM, and Disco. Some of the messages were pictures, some were voice messages, and others were game invites. A new game invite from SunButt69 appeared at the top of the list as Caps Lock was deleting them. After a moment of contemplation, he accepted it and was thrown into their lobby.

“There he is!” Disco Chord said, no longer using a sound board. Caps Lock couldn’t help but think he sounded like a pedophile.

“What do you asses want?” Caps Lock asked angrily. The three older players snickered quietly, but managed to keep their laughter in check.

“Your 3.48 K/D is really impressive,” NMM said with a hint of sarcasm. “We would like you to join our clan!”

“Yeah! All you have to do is sign up at lemonparty.org. I assure you, it’s very easy!” SunButt69 said, trying to hold back laughter.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” Caps Lock shouted. “I know what that site is!”

“He has passed the first test!” Disco Chord shouted triumphantly. Without warning, their lobby joined with another one and the countdown clock began.

Caps Lock looked at the game type and his heart sank. “Why are we in hardcore?” he asked nervously.

“It is excellent experience!” NMM shouted unnecessarily. There was a brief pause and the mare shouted in falsetto, “Hey, KillerSWAG! I had intercourse with your mother!”

The screen had gone blank as the map began to load, leaving no time for KillerSWAG to see who had spoken. “Who the fuck said that?” he shouted angrily.

“I think it was that QwickScopz faggot!” a different falsetto voice shouted. Even Caps Lock couldn’t tell who it was. Before he could object, the match started and his character was shot to death from behind. KillerSWAG ran forward and began knifing at the corpse.

“Dude!” Caps Lock shouted angrily. “That wasn’t me!”

“You’re a fuckin’ liar, you little bitch!” KillerSWAG said. He ran off as Caps Lock spawned back in.

Caps sprinted through the forest the match took place in, and got to his favorite glitch spot. He positioned his character between two rocks so only the barrel of his gun was sticking out. He’d been there less than five seconds when SunButt ran in front of him.

“Move!” he shouted, as SunButt strafed back and forth in his line of sight. Three enemies came down the path and SunButt gunned them all down. “Those were my kills!” Caps Lock shouted. Without a word, SunButt turned and put two bullets into Caps Lock’s head.

“Oh dear,” she said with fake surprise. “You startled me!”

Caps Lock spawned in and was instantly sniped by KillerSWAG. “DUDE! SERIOUSLY?”

“Why the Hell did you walk in front of me while I was sniping?!” KillerSWAG shouted.

“I spawned there!”

“Minotaur shit!”

“WE HAVE OUR PEGASI SWARM!” NMM shouted joyously. Hundreds of pegasi appeared in the sky, dropping bombs all around the map. Caps Lock sent his character for cover in a building and switched to his shotgun. An enemy rounded the corner and as he pulled the trigger, KillerSWAG jumped in front of him. Both his teammate and his enemy dropped dead.

“That was an accident!” Caps Lock shouted before Killer could start yelling at him. Suddenly, Disco Chord420 ran into the building and stood behind Caps Lock.

“I got you a present, Mr. Scopz,” Disco said deviously. Caps turned to look at his teammate and saw him holding a lump of plastic explosives. Before he could move, Disco tossed it at the ground and detonated it, blowing them both up.

“Why did you do that?!” Caps Lock shouted.

“My apologies, I thought it was a first aid kit!” Disco shouted, before taking his shotgun and shooting the newly spawned stallion in the back of the head. “Oh, and I thought you were an enemy that time!”

KillerSWAG silently left the game, leaving only the four players. Caps Lock continuously spawned out of cover, only to be blow up by NMM’s pegasi swarm. Of course, kill streak betrayals counted as deaths, and Caps Lock had a not so impressive 1-15 kill death spread.

“One more kill for the magic nuke!” NMM shouted. Caps Lock, fed up with being spawn killed by teammates and enemies alike, tossed a fragmentation grenade into the air angrily. After a few seconds, there was an explosion and Caps Lock’s screen went black.

“What happened?!” he asked angrily. He was thrown back to the pre-game lobby and the message on his screen said, Team killing is not aloud. You’ve lost one rank and can’t gain experience for five games.

A moment later, he got a voice message from NMM. He clicked play and listened to the angry mare. “THOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN! WE WILL HAUNT THEE UNTIL THE END OF TIME!”

Luna fumed after sending the message. Her sister Celestia sat on the couch next to her trying not to laugh. They each had headsets on and were levitating controllers in their different colored auras. A knock came at the door of their game room and Discord walked in. He had his own wireless headset on and a big smile on his face.

“That was fun!” Discord said, sitting between the two alicorns. “But do you think we were a little too mean?”

“No,” Luna grumbled.

Celestia smiled. “He does it to himself. The internet is no place for a foal.”

Author's Note

It is complete! Now, while you can feel sympathy for Caps Lock, you shouldn't.

If you would like to use Caps Lock for any of your own stories, I'd be flattered.

ALSO, this is Discord's Mic spam: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oJ09dboUTk

I: Welcome Our New Student

“Students, please settle down,” Cherilee said, stepping in front of the chalkboard. The din of the classroom died down and all the ponies took their seats. Diamond Tiara, who had previously been engaged in teasing Scootaloo, felt the need to blow one last raspberry at the filly.

“Blank flank,” Silver Spoon whispered to Scootaloo. She and Diamond Tiara proceeded to laugh quietly to themselves while the pegasus filly fumed.

“Class, I’d like you to help me welcome a new student!” Cherilee said happily. A white earth pony colt with a black mane and a ridiculous grin walked into the classroom. “This,” the teacher said, putting her hoof on the colt’s shoulder, “is Caps Lock. Caps, do you have anything you’d like to share with the class?”

The colt looked around, sizing up his audience before blurting, “MARES BELONG IN THE KITCHEN, NOT IN A CLASSROOM!”

Cherilee looked at her new student in horror as the colts of the classroom burst out laughing. The fillies however, looked around in confusion at their male class mates.

“Caps Lock! That is highly uncalled for!” Cherilee shouted.

“GO MAKE ME A SANDWHICH!” Caps Lock shouted in reply. Had it been thirty years prior, Cherilee likely would have struck the colt upside the head with a yardstick. Unfortunately, new school regulations prevented her from doing so. All she could do was watch as the colt smiled up at her before walking through the laughing classroom.

Caps Lock sponged up the attention and took a seat in the back of the classroom with the colts. He quickly took a box of crayons and a piece of paper out of his school bag and began scribbling. The smile on his face got ever broader as he worked.

“Well,” Cherilee said, recovering from her shock. “Everypony be sure to give Caps Lock a nice…warm…welcome.” Her tone was flat and she hung her head low as she spoke. She already knew this colt was going to be trouble, and she wished she had a different lesson plan for the day. “Today, we’ll be learning about a rather sensitive topic, but it’s something you’re all going to need to know.”

She picked a piece of chalk up with her teeth and began writing on the chalkboard. Once she was finished, all the ponies of the class room moaned. All except Caps Lock, that is. Written in big letters on the chalk board was, “The Birds and the Bees.”

“AWESOME, SOMETHING I CAN CLOP TO!” Caps Lock shouted. His fellow classmates looked at him in confusion, not recognizing the word he’d just used. Cherilee put her hoof against her forehead and quickly ran an eraser across the board.

“On second thought, that can wait till next week,” she said, taking up the chalk once more. “Math! Today, we’ll learn more about math!” She quickly scribbled some equations on the board for the class to solve.

Caps Lock crossed his forearms across his chest and shouted, “I CAN’T CLOP TO THIS!”

“Would anypony like to come down and solve equation number one?” Cherilee asked the class, ignoring Caps Lock’s outburst.

Caps Lock’s hoof shot into the air and he shouted, “FIRST!” No other pony in the classroom had even tried to raise their hoof, but Cherilee waited in hopes one would.

“Sweetie Belle? Would you like to try to—?”

“NO! INB4 SWEETIE BELLE!” Caps Lock interrupted, holding his hoof higher.

Cherilee sighed, “Caps Lock, please solve number one.”

The colt galloped down the aisle and took up the piece of chalk. He scribbled furiously on the chalkboard, carrying numbers that didn’t exist and adding more to the equation. When he’d finally finished, he stepped back to allow the class to see his work.

“Caps,” Cherilee said, looking over the mess of numbers on the board. “Would you mind telling me how you reached your answer of 8,008,135?”

The colt smiled and nodded his head with the chalk still in his mouth. He re-approached the board and drew a big line under his answer. “BOOBIES!” he shouted. The students looked at his answer and started laughing when they realized his numbers were actually letters.

“CAPS LOCK!” Cherilee shouted, turning to the colt. “If you keep up this behavior, I’ll have to call your parents!”

The smile disappeared from Caps Lock’s face and his lower lip began quivering. He started whimpering, then all out bawling in the middle of the classroom floor. Cherilee didn’t know what to do so she approached the colt cautiously.

“Caps, what’s wrong?” she asked, putting her hoof on his shoulder.

“MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!” he replied in between sobs.

“I’m so sorry!” Cherilee tried apologizing, but the colt’s sobs intensified. She looked around at the class nervously, as if they could offer some comfort. All at once though, Caps Lock’s crying stopped, and he turned to Cherilee with an ear-to-ear grin on his face.

“JK! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!”

Cherilee’s face turned beet red as the colt stood up and trotted calmly back to his seat. He held his hoof out for hoof-bumps, but received only puzzled looks in response. Once back in his seat, he made sure he had Cherilee’s attention before holding up the paper he’d been working on earlier. In big red letters on the paper was, “PROBLEM?”

The teacher, beside herself with rage, opened up the classroom door and held her hoof out into the hallway. “Class, go to recess,” she said.

“But itth’s only—”

“I SAID GO TO RECESS!”

Twist recoiled at her teacher’s harshness, but obeyed. One by one, the ponies filed out of the classroom, whispering amongst themselves. Caps Lock was sure to give Cherilee a great big smile as he exited. She slammed the door behind him and went to her desk.

“Why does it have to be Monday?” she asked, emptying her drawer of its contents. When it was empty, she lifted the false bottom of the drawer and removed a flask.

It was going to be an interesting Monday.