Tales of the worst kinds of ideas.
Epic Saga. M.K 2 The Third The Remix.
Epic Saga. MK.2 The third The Remix.
The stories we all cherish, weather passed by tongue or book may-hap even T.V. The stories we tell become a part of us, if only a small part. This is not one of those stories.
The elements of harmony, a spectacular tale of friendship, magic and learning about how to generally not be a total fuckass, the characters of that particular story are pretty much minor people in this story. This story itself is that of a Vampiric asshole scholar and a Master kleptomaniac fuckup assassin and the unfortunate blessed children they were tasked to babysit.
Sighing for what seemed to be the umpteenth time he looked to the side at the vampire next to him. He was asked by the local clothing shop owner to do her a favor in exchange for repairing his cloak, the fact that he rented a room from her was only added leverage on him. Grabbing the cowl he pulls on it obscuring his face a bit more. Knocking on the door a few more times he finally gets a response and the door opens. A youngish mare with bright orange hair stands there, no more than maybe twenty-five.
“Oh, hello you two must be the two that Twilight and Rarity asked to babysit the kids. Do come in.” The mare says with a halfhearted smile.
Looking at one another they both enter, the vampire next to him wore a simple robe with a small book in the pocket. He looked almost like a monk, in vast contrast to himself, a black cowl that shades most of his face and upper body, a leather pouch filled with odds and ends most of which unfriendly to ponies.
“Hey pretty mama; are those the groovy babysitters I hear?” A ram asks as he enters the room
The ram looked like someone ripped him from the 70’s, put him in an Elvis suit and set him free to spread the horrible music that is disco, the fact that he wore modern day shades only made him look more like a jackass.
“Yes, we are the babysitters, I am BrightTomé and this is uh.”
“NightinGale.” He finishes giving her a slight nod.
“Oh. How…nice.” The mother says as flash of uncertainty, possible sanity crosses her face. As she looks them once over the giggles of children echo down the hall and the kids rush down the hall. A colt and a foal, they were dressed as the popular cartoon characters Batstalion and Super Mare.
“It’s Disco Ram Roddie!” They both shout as the tackle the unfortunate date, his shades go spinning and land somewhere.
“Now, now kids come meet your sitters. BrightTomé and Nightingale. “With a great shout of joy the kids rush them.
“This is Twibright and TinkerTopple. Oh and I forgot how rude of me, I’m Orangesunrise. “The mare says giving her kids a hug.
“Aren’t they adorable?” BrightTomé says giving a half smile.
“Now, the kids haven’t eaten dinner so they will need to be fed, no more than an hour of T.V and they are to be in bed by ten.” OrangeSunrise explains
“As you wish.” NightinGale says quietly bowing slightly. A few minutes later the couple is gone and the children are pacified with the T.V.
“So an infamous NightinGale as a baby sitter, oh how the mighty have fallen.” BrightTomé says with a laugh as he sits at the kitchen table.
“Says the vampire.”
“That transparent am I? Well I guess we have both fallen a bit from our normal routines.” He answers with a laugh.
Shrugging in response NightinGale pulls a knife from somewhere and starts to dice vegetables for a stew. Singing a light tune as he stirs the stew he pulls his hood down.
“When you’re rife with devastation there’s a simple explanation, you’re a toy makers creation trapped inside a crystal ball.”
“A gypsy tune? Oh the stories you must have, a few to lull the children I suppose?” BrightTomé snickers with a look of pity on his face. As the stew began to finish NightinGale called the children into the room.
“What is it?” Twibright asks eying the soup warily.
“It looks like mud.” TinkerTopple continues.
Sighing NightinGale looks to them and simply states that it is superhero food and that if they don’t shut up and eat some unfortunate things would happen to their toys. It wasn’t long after their first bite the began to devour it like it was candy.
Sometime after diner.
“It’s about time for the kids to go to bed, you want to tuck in Twibright and I will tuck in the boy? “ BrightTomé asks as he looks up from his book. A nod was the only response he got. Walking up stairs NightinGale walks to the girls room and knocks, the pink and white door revealing no secrets or noise he walks in. A flash of worry sets in, the girl was nowhere to be found. Rushing out of the room he meets BrightTomé in the hall. After a short panicked conversation they deem that they probably went looking for their mom and that the best bet was to follow the trail of candy and hoof prints that was outside. Dashing like madmen Calmly heading outside it doesn’t take long to pick up the trail. Only to have it split into two trails, one leads off to god knows where the other leads to the boutique.
“I think it would be best if you went that way and I went to the boutique. I am more familiar with the layout than you.” NightinGale tells BrightTomé pointing off down the unknown path. A simple nod and BrightTomé was off down the other trail.
Deciding that walking in through the front door was probably a poor idea he resigns himself to climbing the tree and getting on top of the roof. Crouched near a window he listens in.
“You’ll never get away with this Disco Ram!” A young filly shouts.
“We will stop you and your cronies!” A young colt shouts afterwards.
Lacking in hesitation he jumps through the window shattering it and lands knives drawn, and at that moment he regretted not looking first. There was Rarity, AppleJack, SweetieBell and her friend, Scootalong? Wheelaloo? Oh who cared there were pressing matter than someone unimportant name.
Rarity was playing the part of Disco Ram and AppleJack was in the background doing sound effects.
“Oh my goodness!”
“What the hay?”
-Generic sound of fear from children-
“Awww Hell.”
“NightinGale, what in the world are you doing here? And why are you not with the kids!” Rarity shouts in confusion and slight amounts of hellish rage.
“There is a perfectly reasonable lie to explain all of this, though what it is currently eludes me.”
NightinGale tries to tell them
“Well I reckon you’re gonna tell us a pretty good truth then.” AppleJack says glaring at him and popping her knuckles.
ABSCOND!
Grabbing a smoke bomb from hit satchel he slams it into the ground and smoke as well as more screams fill the room. Dashing past Rarity and AppleJack he rushes down the stairs and out the door shouts of hate coming from the store. Following the other path it doesn’t take him long to catch up to BrightTomé.
“So was it the kids?”
“Does it look like I found the fucking kids?”
“No need to get snippy.”
“Well there is when I may or may not have let Rarity and AppleJack know that we lost the kids and that they may or may not get the rest of their friends and follow us.” NightinGale tells him with a frown.
“We better hurry up and find them then or I am fairly sure that we will lose our pride and our other pride.” The vampire grimly jokes as the run down the path. As the get farther from town the come upon a clubhouse brightly lit.
“Right I’m going to take a look so we don’t alert them. Be quiet.” NightinGale tells BrightTomé. He responds with a snort. Climbing up the window he peeks in and a sight of nightmare candy fills his eyes. Three stallions were prancing around. The red one nearest to the window wore a rather odd looking dress a few sizes smaller than him with wings and an oddly realistic horn, the second rather shockingly was the second in command of the Wonderbolts, Sorrin. He had a similar horn on as the red one and wore a blue and yellow frilly dress. The last one was the most shocking of all, there was the royal prince and guard captain ShiningArmor with fake wings upon his back, in the royal princess Cadences dress. Taking a few pictur5es for blackmailing purposes he lowers himself down.
“Was it them?” BrightTomé asks.
“No. Leave it at that.” He tells him hurriedly walking away. It didn’t take long to find the candy trail and continue back down it.
“How have they not passed out yet? I mean look at the amount of candy wrappers.” NightinGale asks picking up one of the wrappers.
“Let alone the fact that they didn’t have this much at the house or ever that I saw.” BrightTomé says looking to the sky for a moment.
Suddenly the writer feels a pressing gaze upon him and his flimsy plot string. Shrugging he takes a sip of his gin and goes back to writing this convoluted plot that is this shinnanagance muttering the words Big Mac is best princess.
During the questionable fade to black the two babysitters had followed the trail back to town only to discover that the two mares that NightinGale had pretty much told that they lost the kids had gathered up their friends and had started patrolling the streets looking for them.
“Well you certainly fucked they changeling. “ BrightTomé says glaring at NightinGale.
“You leave Samantha out of this. I mean, one of us will probably have to distract them so the other can continue on the trail.”
As the pair locks eyes the both put their hands at their sides.
“DRAW!” They both shout rather stupidly.
PAPER!
ROCK!
“LUNA DAMN IT!” NightinGale shouts as BrightTomé smiles rather smugly.
Sighing he starts to stealth to the group of six, debating on how to get their attention for a prolonged time. As he approaches them they are all facing away from him. A rather dangerous idea fills his mind.
“One for the bits. Two for the job. Three for the infamy. Four for the gits and shiggles.” He mutter before firmly slapping each one of the sixes bottoms. The result was instant five shouts of blind fury and oddly one moan. Jumping back they all shout pervert their faces red and turn to face him. Shrugging he waves at them. You could feel the hate radiating off of the group.
“GET HIM!” The blue Pegasus shouts and then the rush him. Running to the nearest house he jumps and catches a ledge and climbs up to the roof giving a small bow. As the blue one flies up to him he starts running across the rooftops luring them away from the candy trail.
“Get back here you damn pervert!” The one following him closely shouts. Catching up to him she kicks trying to trip him. Using her leg as a spring board he jumps over her pulling her hoodie over her eyes. Falling off the roof he catches a branch and lands softly on the ground. It only took them a few seconds to circle him after that.
“Well pervert? What do you have to say for yourself?” A purple unicorn asks shooting daggers.
He gives a rather exaggerated shrug.
“Fine we’ll beat it out of you.” The Blue on shouts popping her knuckles, without warning he throws his hands forward and she shouts out covering her face.
“Why you, not you’re going to get it.” The blue one shouts trying to move forward only to fall flat. A small set of throwing knives keep her pinned to the ground. A bright flash flares up to the side of him and he twirls out of the way as a magic blast shoots past him and hits the purple one.
“My goodness, I am ever so sorry Twilight.” Rarity apologizes with a frown. A shout sounds from AppleJack and he jumps back where she lands making a small hole in the ground. As she stands up she notices the stranger is wearing her hat.
“Hey! Gimme that back you.” She shouts at him making a grab for the hat. Grabbing her hand he twirls her as if dancing and spins her right into the pink one.
“Ya’ll can join in at any time now.” AppleJack says getting untangles from the pink one.
“Okey dokey loki.” The pink one shouts in joy pulling out a small cannon. Firing it she covers NightinGale in confetti. A blast of magic nails him in the back and his outfit changes. His cloak turns bright pink with teal frill highlights, Applejack’s hat turn baby blue with frills.
“Turn my hat back to normal Rarity.” AppleJack shouts at her. A second blast turns it all back to normal much to Rarity’s disappointment. Tipping Applejack’s hat thankfully he gives on grand bow and the area is filled with smoke. As he rushes past the timid yellow one he puts the hat on her and dashes off back to the candy trail. It didn’t take long to find BrightTomé resting against a tree reading his book. He was leaning against an old abandoned roller disco.
“What the buck?” NightinGale asks taking in the building.
“My sentiments exactly friend.”
“How much you want to bet the kids and the mom are in there? And that the date was the villain?” NightinGale asks pulling out a small pouch of bits.
“Forty bits that the mom is the villain and the date is her sidekick.”
“Deal.” NightinGale nods as the walk in. Suddenly terrible music fills the room and they both cover their ears. It was something about staying alive, more like staying deaf.
“So the bumbling baby sitters have finally shown up. Well you are far too late, as soon as I kill this annoying woman and her children I shall show the world that disco was the true path to glory not this trashy music of modern day.” The ram shouts out starting into a monologue.
Handing NightinGale forty bits BrightTomé shrugs and pulls out his book.
“What the hay! Are you both seriously betting on this, do you even care if the kids are hurt? Or that I put a lot of work into…” He tries to tell them only to stop as NightinGale hand BrightTomé a smaller pouch.
“Okay that’s it. I’m done, you all die.” He says frowning and snapping his fingers. At the snap a pool opens up and the kids are lowered over a pit of sharks with frickin lasers on their heads. Without warning a throwing knife darts out from Nightingale’s cloak aimed at the fashion crime walking. With a second snap a force field of pure shitty disco forms around the ram deafening the pair of babysitters.
“Oh unholy hell of all the is saintly!” Nightingale shouts covering his ears cringing slightly.
“Sweet Celestia, he has wretched taste.” BrightTomé adds on. Looking to Nightingale he points to the music booth and motions to Nightingale to try and stop the music. As Nightingale heads for the booth he starts to shoot bolts of energy coming up with a counter monologue.
“Disco will never be the true path; it is a vile and evil thing. That killed my parents. And my puppy!” BrightTomé yells giving a fake look of sadness. As the two started to banter back and Nightingale shakes his head as they banter back and forth then sneaks off to the music booth covering his ears. As he gets to the audio board he starts to look for a USB plugin port.
“God damn the seventies, those technologically backward pricks.” He grunts in frustration as he realizes the sound board itself was from the seventies. Grabbing a few wires he strips them and pulls out his MP3 and gives a small prayer.
“Please of shitty knowledge of basic musical wiring be enough.” He mutters jamming the cords into the headphone port. Then like magic the horrible backwards music of the past was replaced with Avenged Ponyfold. Disco ram stumbled back as the music changed as if someone struck him. Without even a second thought they both attack him. A knife imbeds itself in his skull and a magic bolt sends him flying. Unplugging his music Nightingale meets up with BrightTomé over the body.
“Well shit. How do we explain all this now that he is dead?”
“You’re a vampire. You dispose of the body I will get the kids and their mom back to the house and convince them that this date went smoothly and they didn’t leave the house.”
“Alright, see if you can’t convince Twilight and her friend that we didn’t lose them either.”
“I’m a Nightingale, it’s what I do.”
And so as the events of that night began to conclude the pair of unlikely babysitters managed to dispose of a body that might have led to their demise at the hands of the rather crappy justice system. Thanks to the magic of like and small bouts of hypnotism they managed to convince the elements of harmony that they didn’t lose the kids, Nightingale didn’t sexually harass them or steal Applejack’s hat.
“And so to end this story I shall have a deity princess carry the words THE END across the screen.”
Flying across the screen Princess Big Mac carries a banner saying THE END.
Author's Note
Okay. Do not take this with any amount of seriousness. You may die.