Celestia Is My Homeboy

by totallynotabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Human
Length: 1197

Everyone needs a best bro, and you've got the bestest. Even if it's a she and a pony.

Everyone needs a best bro, and you've got the bestest. A princess pony bro.

Published 2013-12-14 07:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-14 07:00:03 UTC

Story

“Come on, sunshine. Get up.”

You mumble and roll over. “It’s not even light out.”

Celestia stares at you. She sighs and rolls her eyes, horn beginning to glow. In the next instant, the sun is up and pouring in your bedroom window, the sudden light squeezing your pupils into tiny pinpricks.

“Ugh,” you mutter. “Fine, it’s light out.”

Celestia grins. Her long equine face seems particularly suited to this. It also helps her get to the bottom of a jar of Nutella, but that’s beside the point.

You get out of bed and do your morning thing. Clothes are a big part of that thing. Some hygiene processes are also important.

It’s good not to be a slob around Celestia. You know her nose is sensitive, but that’s besides the point. She’s a really great friend. She’s a cohort, an accomplice, a wingman. She’s your bro. Gender-specific adjectives aside, it’s true. The two of you get along famously. No, seriously, somepony wrote a book about you once. It’s a bestseller.

After finishing up in the bathroom, you head to the kitchen, finding that Celestia has made you breakfast. She wears an apron and hums a happy little tune, turning from the stove to see you arrive.

“I made pancakes and scrambled eggs,” she announces. “And bacon for you.”

“You’re awesome,” you say, meaning it very much.

Celestia smiles again. She turns and begins to put plates on the table. As she faces you, you see that her apron has a picture of Garfield the cat and the caption I hate Mondays. You think for a moment. Today isn’t Monday. This makes you happier.

Once the table is set, Celestia takes off her apron and sits across from you. She passes you the maple syrup. You check the label. It’s genuine Canadian. This gives your pancakes extra lumberjacky goodness.

“What shall we do today?” Celestia asks between bites of her breakfast.

You eat some bacon and consider the question. It’s cooked just the way you like. The bacon, not the question. You use the flavor as an excuse to hold off answering for a few more seconds.

Celestia raises an eyebrow. “We could always play video games.”

Ah yes, the old standby. Multiplayer with a princess is awesome. You nod with enthusiasm.

The two of you finish breakfast quickly. The gaming console is new. Celestia must have brought it. She touches her horn to the AV-out port. With a little spark of magic, the loading screen is projected on the wall. It’s huge, much larger than any TV on the market. With magic behind it, the picture is so much sharper than even HD, too.

You both grab controllers and fall into comfortable positions on the couch. The console connects to the internet and you find a game to join.

As usual, the two of you pwn all challengers. Particularly entertaining is Celestia’s use of the Royal Canterlot Voice over the in-game voice chat. “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH? I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS IN MAGIC KINDERGARTEN! DO YOU LIKE BANANAS, MOTHERFUCKER?”

Of course, it’s tough being the best at everything and sometimes killing noobs just gets old. The two of you decide to take a break and hit the gym.

Celestia drives. She has a giant diesel pickup truck. It’s useful for hauling stuff and towing more stuff. She is your friend with a truck. Everyone needs one.

You lean out the window as you drive by a group of gangstas. “Bitches don’t know ‘bout my love and tolerance!”

Gangstas know better than to mess with you, Celestia’s bro. Gangstas are also seldom seen at the gym, where you’re headed.

You’re no Jason Statham, but you’re pretty good at the gym. If the gym was a contest, you'd win. Celestia is an awesome spotter so you can do anything you want. She takes it easy when you’re spotting her so you can rest between your own sets. The two of you get looks from everyone else there. They’re so jelly.

Just then, Jason Statham walks in. He and Celestia brofist and she introduces him to you. He's super chill.

After Jason Statham gives you an autograph, a copy of his super secret workout plan, and tips on picking up chicks, you and Celestia say goodbye and leave the gym.

You stop at Five Guys for lunch. Celestia buys a round of double cheeseburgers for the place. Standing ovations shower the two of you and the franchise owner cries tears of happiness at the large purchase that has just saved his restaurant. Of course Celestia did that. She couldn’t let the best burger place in the world go under.

Back at your place, it’s getting late. You aren’t ready for bed, though.

“Want to go out?” Celestia asks. “There’s an awesome place I know.”

You decide that this is an excellent idea. The two of you get groomed and properly clad in swag for the evening. Celestia puts on her gold bling crown, collar, and shoes. Your suit and tie are totally awesome. James Bond has nothing on you.

At the club, by random coincidence, you run into Daniel Craig and Sean Connery. Celestia already knows them, of course. Daniel compliments your suit. Sean tells you where to find the best ladies he scoped out. You get their autographs, too.

You go to meet ladies. Celestia goes with, providing you with inhuman levels of confidence and an incredible boost in your manly quotient, along with convenient transportation. The two of you stop next to a group of the most beautiful women you have ever seen.

“Hello ladies,” you say. “Have you ever seen a man riding a majestic alicorn before?”

“He’s totally cool,” adds Celestia.

Women swoon with sudden lust and shower you with phone numbers. Tiny slips of paper make it rain all around you. Now comes the hard part, trying to chose between them all.

You could have any of these fine ladies immediately, right now. In fact, probably several at once. But you aren’t in it for meaningless sex. You’re too much of a gentleman for that. You want a relationship that will make you happy forever. This will require some contemplation. On the other hand, you're set for dates for the next few months. A chorus of hopeful sighs goes through the crowd as you tell them that you'll call.

You step off Celestia’s back and exit the club. The night is warm and the stars are shining brightly. There is a small park nearby. The grass is immaculate and not at all dirty or likely to damage your pants.

You pause for a moment and decide to sit for a while. Celestia sits beside you. The two of you look at the stars for a while, quietly reflecting on the day. It was the best day you can ever remember having. You are so glad that Celestia is your best friend.

Celestia turns to look at you. “I guess it’s just about time for me to call it a night.”

You nod.

She grins. “See you tomorrow.”