It's Just In Time........ And Space
I was once a human, living my life according to my whims. I had known that I was a paradox, an anomaly in space and time, since I was about 16 years old, because that's when things got weird. I had been just walking home from school one day, inventing, or at least I was making wondrous devices and machines in my head, likely to stay there until the day I die. When something felt off, very strange indeed... I felt like I wasn't entirely there anymore, I managed to make it home 'safely' whatever that means... Once I got home I noticed that I forgot my house keys, but only after I had walked through the door, No I literally walked through the door, like it wasn't there or something...
"What the hell?" Suddenly I was beaten upside the head, I turned to see my own mother staring back at me with a frying pan in her hands, fear present in her eyes.
"Who the hell are you?"
I stared dumbly back at her. "Mom it's me, what's going on? Why did you hit me in the head?"
"I don't have a son your age."
"What? Mom! I'm your son! The oldest of your three children!!" I yelled now beginning to panic. "If I'm not your son then explain why there is a room in this house that contains everything of mine, from my birth certificate to my clothes!"
"There is no such room in this house!" my mother scoffed
"Prove it." I demanded not entirely sure if my stuff was in my room or even existed.
"Fine, but you will give me answers in return." She said.
"Yeah, sure, fine, whatever." I said anxious to get this 'tour' on the road.
As we walked through the house, the one that I grew up in for most of my life, after moving there when I was 2 years old, and the one that I never existed in apparently, I began to ponder what had happened..... This woman who claims that she isn't my mother gave me the 'grand tour' of the place. I was waiting until we got down stairs and into the room in the back, that was/is/never was/is my room... Ouch just thinking too hard about this whole problem was a pain. We finally got down the stairs, the door to my room was closed, just like I left it.
She looked at me and saw that I was getting more tense as time wore on, "Open it." I said.
"Why don't you open it?"
"It's your house"
"Exactly, now I'm giving you permission to open the door"
"Alright alright, geez." I reached out towards the door knob, I found it hard to place my hand on the knob and turn it due to my fear, fear of being proven wrong, fear of being cast out of the one place I could remember living in...
I took a deep breath and grasped the 'diamond' knob and twisted it, I gave the door a slight push, I don't really know why, it's just something I always did... As I stepped into the room and looked around, I saw all of my things, in the exact places that I left them. I turned to the woman who claimed not to be my mother. "See?"
"All I see is your room needs to be cleaned. Get to it. NOW." She ordered.
"Alright." I said as she turned to walk away and make her way back to the kitchen....
I hummed in a thoughtful and ponderous way as I cleaned up my room, well cleaned by my definition anyway, by my mom's.... That's a different story. Once my room was clean enough, I went to my computer, I opened up the internet and looked up one word "paradox" I don't know why I did it, but that's what I did, I learned that paradoxes are anomalies in space and time. They shouldn't exist but they do anyway. Most paradoxes are theories based off of quantum physics, they generally occur or begin as a time paradox, such as one going back in time past the machine's first moment of true functionality and still being alive.
Another example (baring the whole functionality issue) would be to go back in time and kill yourself. Because if you killed yourself in your own past you would not be alive in order to go back in time to kill yourself, but then you would be alive and could go back in time to kill yourself.... Etc. See what I mean, paradoxes are confusing, a cycle of impossibility, existence and non existence. It took a few weeks to piece together exactly what everything meant; the inexplicable nonexistence periods, the odd desire to look up paradoxes every chance I got... Everything just took time to piece together, there was no escaping it all, but time was on my side I suppose.
There even came a time when a friend and I imagined up a whole new dimension, we called it the Anime Dimension, or AD for short. In the AD my friend and I were unstoppable, we would "jump" from anime to anime. Each anime was its own planet, because we said so. Things were great, I was able to use this imagined dimension as a bit of a mental vacation. Somewhere that I could "hang my hat" so to speak.
Once in a while it seemed that things were slightly off, like I was forgetting something important, but it was never often enough to cause me any alarm. Then one day sitting in class I felt like I had been struck by lightning, it all just clicked together, I was a paradox! At that precise moment that I acknowledged I was a paradox, I once again faded from existence, but now I knew what was wrong. I began excitedly bouncing in my chair, because I knew that I could still be seen and heard that was all I did, interestingly enough no one noticed me. I closed my eyes and began to focus on existing, with a barely audible pop I was once again in existence.
A few years later when I was 18 I happened upon a subculture over the internet where the members were called "bronies.” It took me a short while but I finally began to watch the show that started the whole thing; My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Shortly there after I too became a brony, but it didn't quite stop there, because by that time I had in full traveled to the Anime Dimension, but by then it wasn't just limited to anime anymore. I had found loopholes that I could exploit to expand the dimension.
I was in the wizard section of the AD and I was trying to paradox into the city that I built using, well anime physics, I was trying to get to the stables in the city because that's where I let the wizard school I was roped into working at leave their equine creatures. I guess I was focusing too hard on the equines, and not hard enough on the building around them, because I kinda ended up here in Equestria... No idea how it really happened, but I had just appeared in the middle of a large-ish meeting room in Canterlot Castle. And as luck would have it, the room was in use. Both Princesses, Celestia and Luna, were having a meeting with Twilight Sparkle, and all of her friends, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash.
The whole group was arranged in what could have passed for a circle, had there been more ponies, and I just had to appear right in the middle of them all...
"Uhhhh, Oops?" I said, rather meekly as I had eight ponies prepare themselves for a fight, it's uncomfortable enough squaring up against a single god. I had two goddesses who just so happened to be Alicorn, two normal unicorns, one of which was much stronger (magically) than anyponyelse in the room, two pegasi, and two earth ponies preparing to fight an unknown intruder.
"STOP! STOP! I'm unarmed! No weapons, magic, or tricks hidden away!" I cried as I felt the four magical ponies capture me with their minds, giving the other four the time and permission to set up what they needed to, I had Pinkie off to one side with her party cannon aimed at my chest, likely armed with something more dangerous than party supplies, Applejack poised to kick me who knows where with legs practically made of muscle built up from years of apple buckin', Fluttershy was getting ready to give me the stare, and I haven't even the slightest clue what Rainbow Dash was going to do.
"How did you get in here?" asked Princess Celestia, silencing the others.
"I can tell you everything, but please let me go"
"Twilight, if you and your friends would release the intruder from the bonds you have set upon," Turning back to me, Celestia said "I'm sorry, I don't believe we know what you are."
"I am something called a human, and before you ask, I am the equivalent of a stallion." I said to answer and forestall the first and second questions that would be directed at me.
With her attention shifting back to her faithful student, "From the bonds you have set upon him." Celestia said.
Once I was mostly free from the bonds of the six non-goddesses, I sat on the floor, because my knees were starting to get stiff after a long day of teaching at that wizard school (checking the stables was supposed to be my last task for the day).
"Thank you" I said. "So I guess you want to hear about me and why I'm here right?"
"That would be preferable" deadpanned Luna
Turning my gaze to her, I said "Preferable to what Princess Luna?"
"To locking you in the dungeons for your crimes"
"But I haven't committed any crimes, I didn't even mean to come to Equestria." I counter. "Now then, without further ado, please allow me to explain myself."
"You may begin" granted Celestia.
"I suppose I should start at the beginning," I mused.
"Always a good place to start" quipped Twilight.
"Well as I said earlier, I am a human, but I'm a very special human. I am also a paradox, I don't quite follow the laws of space time. But I get the feeling that there are questions already filling each of your minds. I will gladly answer your questions later. After my lesson." as I say the last bit, the meeting room shifts and becomes a classroom, I'm standing completely unhindered up at the front of the class, everypony else is sitting at a desk, now looking completely bewildered. I can't help myself and begin laughing. "Hahahaha! The looks on your faces! Bahahaha!" I laughed.
"What?! How did that just happen?!?" they all shouted, fear that Discord was free again just beginning to creep into their voices.
"Don't worry, I did this, I was showing you just a small amount of what I can do." I tried to reassure them. "I'm not Discord, I can however warp space but that's about all I can do right now, I can feel the Equestrian laws of nature asserting themselves over me."
Twilight's hoof shot into the air, practically demanding attention, she having been the first to adapt to the new classroom setting. "What do you mean?" She asked looking completely lost.
"I was getting there Miss Sparkle, and wait to be called on. Five points from unicorns."
As the points were deducted, four large clocks grew out of the wall on the side of the room all of them started out with a count of twenty but the one that had horn dropped down to fifteen shortly after that. The clocks went in the following order; closest to furthest from me; horned and winged (representing alicorn), horned (unicorn), winged (pegasi), and the last one had a hat to symbolize earth ponies. Twilight watched in amazement as the clocks formed, but her eyes fell as she watched the unicorn clock's counter tick down to 15, her eyes beginning to water.
Crap, I hate it when a being cries. I thought to myself. "don't worry overmuch about the clocks, and the points thing was a force of habit Twilight. I am a teacher where I come from" I say with a tinge of remorse in my voice. "Now, because Equestria is a brand new environment for me, the laws of nature are forcing my body to follow them, if only for a little while." I answer Twilight's earlier question. "And for your earlier enthusiasm and diligence in your quest for understanding of what I meant, Miss Sparkle, five points to unicorns" The unicorn clock added back five points bringing everypony back up to an all around tie at 20 points. "Now I must ask that you keep an eye on this little filly that I came across in the badlands, I first appeared there and found her under the only living tree in the entire place."
"What filly?" asked the six bearers of harmony.
"This one," I say waving my hand to both return the room to normal and make a small shy little alicorn visible to everypony. As Twilight and her friends rushed over the filly and began fawning over her, I made my way to Celestia and asked, "Do you have a bathroom that I could perchance use? Something large and messy is about to happen, and I'd prefer that Allie, the little one I brought with me, didn't see what is about to happen to me."
"And what is about to happen?" asked Celestia.
"To put it bluntly, I'm about to explode and reform, because this body is not natural to Equestria, and I'm still under the influence of the laws of nature, I will be for about three more days." I guesstimated.
"Oh." was all Celestia could say for a moment, "Yes, there is a bathroom out the door, down the hall on your left, and it's the fifth door to your right"
"Thank you, Princess." I was able to say before needing to make a mad dash out the doors of the meeting hall.
Once in the bathroom I shut and locked the door, I began meditating in the middle of the bathroom until I was able to be certain that I could protect the surfaces of the bathroom from my human entrails once I exploded. Not long after I double checked that the protections would hold, I felt a massive build up of energy, knowing that there was nothing I could do to dispel the energy, I just sat there and waited to feel every atom of my body being ripped apart. Within five or so minutes, the energy was at critical and I was beginning to feel the most unbearable pain that nopony has ever felt, then it happened. The explosion that I was waiting for, it started deep in my gut, and just blew out in every direction faster than I could think.
The shock wave was so powerful that it nearly shook Canterlot apart. For a few moments, I was not much more than a floating mind with no body and a massive bloodstain in a castle bathroom. I can honestly say that if somepony were to walk in on me like that I would be hard pressed to describe the level of awkwardness and embarrassment that I could have felt. Then the most novel experience was to be had, I was able to feel my new body growing around my mind, to be completely honest, it tickled and hurt at the same time. But the pain was so minute compared to the pain of the explosion that all I really noticed was the tickling.
Once the sensation died down I was able to think clear enough to look at myself as best I could. I was a cobalt blue stallion, with a mane that resembles the aurora borealis with its constant movement, not unlike Celestia's mane, but my mane doesn't constantly change colors like the borealis does. My mane will only change color when I so chose, but it usually has somewhere between three to seven different colors within it, each one softly glowing. I soon notice that I have a horn sticking out from my mane, it is the same color as my fur, but I couldn't be more pleased with this development, my overall excitement at discovering my horn quickly fades as I realize that I have to master this new form of power, knowing myself leaving the inherent magics in my body alone without proper mastery wouldn't be a good idea, definitely a bad one if there ever were a bad idea. I walk out of the bathroom on unsteady hooves, and back to the meeting room.
I push open the door after making my way through the entire squadron of royal guard ponies, and make my first appearance as a pony. It was far less splendid than I had hoped it would be, I stumbled and almost fell flat on my face. The only reason I didn't fall was because I managed to lean on Luna for a quick moment to regain my balance. Much to her chagrin, Luna accepted my apology after I regained my balance.
"I am truly sorry for that Princess Luna, as much as I tried I wasn't able to become quite as fluid in my movements in my new body as I was in my old one."
"As much as We want to, We can't take offense, especially against one with wings as splendid as yours."
"What are you talking about? I don't have wings... Do I?" I asked, mt head cocked in confusion
Everypony in the room chuckled at this, "Indeed you do." Tittered Celestia.
Taking everyone's word for it I turned my head and tried to see my wings for myself. Failing that, I tried something else, I tried looking at my sides from under my forelegs, I was able to see most of my wings from that angle. One thing I couldn't understand was why I couldn't control my wings, I began to ponder the fact, maybe a little too loud because evidently everypony heard me ask out loud.
"Why can't I open my wings?"
This time it was Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy who answered. "Well Duh, you just grew those wings right? You don't have the motor control to use them yet." stated Dash rather bluntly and without compassion. Leading me to believe that she was thinking that I'm "just not cool enough".
"Um, yeah, it usually takes young pegasi years to learn to fully use their wings," Fluttershy said looking as timid as ever. "Sorry."
"Hmmmm, years you say? I've got three days not being able to break physics." a wolfish grin splitting my face now, "Let's see just how much headway I can make. Who wants to teach me how to fly?"
The room was dead silent for only a moment before there was a certain pony bouncing up and down much higher than someone without wings has any right to and shouting "Ooh! Ooh! Me! Pick me! Pick me!"
"Uhhh, Pinkie? How would you teach me to fly? You don't even have wings..." I pointed out.
"Huh? Oh right. Silly me." Pinkie said after finally stopping her repeated attempts at flight.
She looked a bit sad, so I offered another option. "how about you teach me how to bake instead?"
"Oooh! You mean it?"
"yes, yes I do Pin- augh!" I was interrupted by a pink missile rushing up and giving me an impossibly strong bear hug, the only problem I had with that was that it was interfering with my ability to breathe. "Pinkie... Can't... Breathe... Crushing... Lungs" I managed to gasp, before passing out.
When the words finally reached Pinkie's ears, it was just a little too late, I was half dead... But that has never stopped me from living before. As soon as Pinkie let go of my throat and backed far enough away that she was nearly out the door, I collapsed, just crumpled to the floor. Everypony stared at my seemingly lifeless body, Pinkie who had retreated to the door blushing (though nopony could tell given the shade of her fur) slowly made her way back toward the rest of us.
"Is he...?" she asked too nervous to finish the question, afraid of the answer.
Three of the four remaining functional horns in the room began to light up, to ignite the magic in the room and allow their owners to extend their minds out towards my body and check for vital signs.
"Don't... Bad magic. No control." I croaked. As my body finally began to respond to my will again.
As I coughed to clear my throat of the blockage created in my windpipe by a sound crushing, everypony in the room gave a massive sigh of relief. I pushed myself up off the floor to sit on my haunches, and was almost immediately set upon by Rarity.
"How dare you do that to Our Poor Pinkie Pie! She was almost in tears!" Rarity strode right up to me and raised one hoof as if to strike me. "I should teach you a lesson in manners, I should smack you, I- I should just put you in your place!" She shouted not letting me get more than half a syllable out of my own mouth.
"RARITY!" I shouted over her. "If you keep interrupting me and forestalling what I'm trying to say, we'll all still be here in five days! Now please, as admirable as it is for you to stand up for your friend. I must ask that you SHUT. UP!” I paused to blow some hot air out my nose. “If you had been paying attention to me at all and not your anger you would have seen that I have been trying to apologize to you all, but Pinkie in particular for giving you all that scare." I barked at the purple maned seamstress.
Sufficiently cowed, Rarity could do little more than sit on her haunches and blink rapidly in surprise.
"Now, I'm sorry, all of you for giving you that terrible scare. Never has it been my intention to harm anypony that I come across, and Pinkie don't let it get to you that this happened, back where I come from I used to be able to do magic that would blow your mind. I even got hit with a spell that kills on contact. And yet I'm still here am I not?” I asked lightheartedly. “I'm fine and it was an accident, just remember to place your hugs more carefully from here on out OK?"
"O-Okay" Pinkie sniffled
"Pinkie, why're you cryin'?" asked Applejack.
"I'm not sure, It's like I'm happy that he's alive, sad that I almost killed him, and there's something else that I can't quite place."
"Uh huh" was all Applejack said in response. She was a bit too preoccupied with keeping a close eye on Rarity to see if it would be wise to stay in the same room when she begins to come out of her surprised stupor.
I on the other hand begin addressing the room on the whole again. "To answer your question Princess Luna, I told you not to use your magic because while I have this horn," I tapped my horn with a hoof. "And I have the potential to do magic, I am choosing not to because I am still a paradox and cannot hope to keep my newly formed magic under control."
"Then why have you not asked for tutelage in the art of casting?"
"I was getting there. But the problem is that if any one of my spells were to go awry, I would not have the knowledge or skill to counter the spell, and neither you nor your sister would have the strength to combat it."
"you dare suggest that we are weak?!"
"No. Never that Princess Luna, I am merely stating that my spells would be far stronger than anything you have ever cast yourself, while I am still a novice at magic of the horn, I am a paradox with near infinite strength, even a simple spell that any unicorn could cast without a problem, could be thrown off balance and become a serious danger to you and your subjects." I state, hoping to not anger either princess, Celestia for the first time and Luna further than she already is. "The only one who could have a chance of stopping my magic would be the bearer of magic herself, Miss Twilight Sparkle."
I turned to Twilight, as did everypony in the room. Twilight, who had been edging toward the door to try and escape Luna's rage, stopped dead in her tracks at the mention of her name and element of harmony. Everything was stone still for a full minute, then Twilight turned tail and ran out the door of the meeting hall, through the main doors of the castle, and teleported, I don't know where to, but I know she left.
"Huh, that went well..." I thought out loud.
Like a wave on a shore Rarity's temper broke through her stunned silence. "First Pinkie Pie and now Twilight?! If you so much as look at another one of my friends the wrong way, I'll give you- I'll give you- I don't know what I'll give you, but I can guarantee that it won't be pleasant!" Rarity stormed out of the castle.
"Would anypony care to explain that?" I asked out loud, partly because I was utterly confused and partly out of sarcastic humor.
"Ah think you just earned yerself an enemy" came Applejack's mildly concerned reply.
"How dangerous is she?" I asked out of concern for my own safety and that of those around me.
"I wouldn't think that Rarity is all that dangerous" said Fluttershy.
"You would be surprised, I've seen some of the biggest catastrophes start from the most adorable or smallest creatures imaginable." I confess. "Now then, back to business. I need teachers, Dash? Would you care to teach me how to fly?"
"Uh, Sure?"
"Perfect! I need to convince twilight to teach me magic, Pinkie is covering the cooking, Applejack? Do you have need of an extra hoof on the farm?"
"Uhh, yeah, I think we do" Applejack paused for a moment, to think. "We've got all of the east, west, and north fields to do and it's just me and Big Mac workin' out there, maybe we could use some help."
"Great! I look forward to it. Hmmmmm, who am I missing?" I ask nopony in particular, my voice steadily dropping to a mutter as I ask myself that question.
'Pinkie is cooking, I need to explain things to Rarity, convince Twilight to teach me, work at sweet apple acres with AJ, learn to fly from Dash, who else can I gain knowledge from, FLUTTERSHY!' I thought to myself.
"Fluttershy!" I suddenly shouted after losing myself in thought. "I'm so sorry for forgetting about you! Is there anything you would care to teach me, about anything?" I asked the timid Pegasus. She jumped nearly three feet in the air when I shouted her name, now she was nowhere in sight.
"Fluttershy? You still here?" I turned to Dash, "can you help me look for her?"
"Ugh, fine"
"Well gee don't trip over yourself in your rush to help." I said slightly insulted and frustrated at her attitude.
"You want mah help too sugarcube?" asked Applejack.
Iit would be much appreciated Applejack, and you can help too if you want Pinkie."
"Okie Dokie."
Smiling at Pinkie's never ending enthusiasm, I get to work searching for Fluttershy. "I know she's still in the room, I can feel that much, but I don't know where she is" I say after five minutes of searching and four minutes of Dash complaining about being bored. "Now, will you just be quiet? I'm trying to listen for her body."
Everyone in the room that was still out in the open, stopped and stared at me. "What?" I asked "There are certain things in your body that you can't silence, things like your heartbeat and your breathing. If you listen hard enough you can hear them."
"But not even pegasi can do that." stated Dash.
"Nor can the Alicorn" said Princess Celestia.
"Well then, I guess it's a good thing I'm not a Pegasus or an Alicorn then is it?" I say, irritation now completely present. "I'm sorry everypony, I'm not normally this short tempered. Blowing up tends to shorten your fuse considerably." I offer up a grim smile.
I don't even get a grimace in return, every face in the room is set in a blank stare piercing through my very being as if they were trying to decipher my very essence. While everyone is silent, I catch on to something that didn't occur to me at first. What if Fluttershy is already giving me my first lesson? On what I'm not quite sure but a lesson is a lesson.
"Okay Fluttershy! You win we won't look for you anymore. You can come out whenever you're ready!" I say in obvious tones and loud enough that I'm certain that she would hear me.
"What are you doin'?" questioned Applejack.
"I'm accepting the message of her lesson. I think." I explained.
"What are you talkin' about?"
Hanging my head in defeat. "Just trust me on this, OK?" I said.
"Well alright" relented AJ.
"Very good! You finally figured it out! I was beginning to get afraid that you wouldn't ever get it and I'd be stuck hiding forever." Fluttershy said coming out of hiding.
"Thank you Fluttershy, and I'm sorry it took so long for me to get the message." I say with a slight flourish that was supposed to be a bow.
"Oh, don't worry about it"
"OK then" I turn to the Princesses, "Thank you, your Highness-es for your hospitality and willingness to provide me the opportunity to explain things. But if you'll excuse us I think it best if we make our way back to Ponyville."
"But wait! We don't even know your name. You do have a name right?" Celestia asked.
"Hmm? How rude of me to not provide you with my name! I don't have a conventional name. But you can call me Professor Paradox."
"I see, Professor thank you." said Celestia.
"Ah but it is I who should be thanking you, Mi lady." I say bowing with all the grace of a drunken elephant. As I topple over the only pony in the room besides myself that doesn't smile is Fluttershy, she rushes forth to help me back to my hooves. "Thank you Fluttershy"
"Oh it was nothing really"
"If you say so, but I'm still thankful you helped me." I earnestly admitted causing her to blush.
Upon noticing her blushing I promptly shift my focus from Fluttershy to admiring the details of the room. "Again princesses I thank you, but now I think that we must be off to Ponyville, the sooner I get there the sooner I can talk to both Twilight and Rarity."
"Yes, and good luck to you Professor."
I nod my thanks in Celestia's direction "Would you mind if I sent you regular updates on my progress?"
"No, Not at all. In fact, I'm sure my sister and I would appreciate them very much."
"Perfect! Thank you again Princess!" and with that I was being led out of the castle by Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie.
"WAIT!" Someone cried out.
"Huh?" I turned around to see who was calling out to me. It was Allie, the young little alicorn that I found in the badlands.
"Don't leave me! You said that you would never let me be alone again!"
"Whoops! Sorry Allie, in all of the commotion I kinda forgot you were there. Could you ever forgive me?"
"Of course I can! I mean you treated me like a little sister the whole way here, I'm not going to turn my back on the only big brother I've ever had"
"Come here you!" I all but shout at the filly with a massive grin splitting my face.
Allie breaks into a full gallop and charges straight at me, at a suitable distance Allie jumped and snapped open her wings to glide over my back, once aligned she folded her wings and landed on my back. As we left the castle, I saw Luna cast a slightly concerned glance toward Celestia, who had taken on a look of contemplation.
Author's Note
I'm new at this whole writing bit, feel free to comment, critique, whatever, just be constructive with your criticism. I also know that my Scene setting skills leave much to be desired, I plan on working on that. The two main characters are indeed OP, But trust me, we really only use our OP-ness to get into and out of funny situations. And evade some death.
I know that some of you migt think Ben 10 when you read the Professor's name, but I say it now. Ben's Professor Paradox was NOT the inspiration for my Professor.
Also I know that my Characterizations of the cannon characters are not only off but weak. I'm not all that great at them.