Guardian Angels: Prologue

by Scattershot

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 13148

"What would happen if two jackasses like us woke up in Equestria?" Sam and Jake never expected that question to be answered.

Sam, a brony, and his friend Jake, who isn't, woke up one morning to find themselves several hundred feet above ground and not the same as they were the previous night. Despite their wildly differing opinions on their new found situation, the two agree on one thing, they better do this job Celestia gave them if they ever want to get home or have fingers ever again.

*Note: while the personalities of Mobius and Scattershot are based off of my friend and I, they are not us. Any similarities to other real persons living or dead is purely coincidental, or played for laughs. Additionally, the even numbered chapters of this story are written by Mobius, with the odd numbered chapters being written by me. This story takes place between seasons 2 and 3*

Published 2013-12-14 23:50:04 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-31 03:15:57 UTC

The Beginning

Guardian Angels
Chapter 1
The Beginning

Sam slowly came to consciousness, rolling over in bed without opening his eyes. This bunk is extremely comfy. He thought sleepily. I wonder why Jake doesn’t use it… The thought of his friend, whose house he had slept over at, began waking him further. As vague memories of their exploits the previous day floated past his mind’s eye he was forced to leave the embrace of sleep. He cracked open one eye only to snap it back shut. Damnation it is bright! He thought. How long did I sleep? The sun is so high in the sky… wait, sun? His eyes nearly popped out of their sockets they opened so fast, after all he shouldn’t be able to see the sun; Jake’s room was on the ground floor. Looking left and right only yielded unending blue. Sam shot upright in bed and leaned over the edge, expecting to see the lower bunk of his friend’s bed, but was greeted with a very different and infinitely more terrifying sight.

“Shit! JAKE! We have an issue!!! A pretty fucking serious issue!” Sam looked around wildly for his friend, eventually spotting a still form on the other end of the cloud he had thought was a bed. Clambering over to his friend, he unceremoniously bonked him on the head with his fist. “Wakey wakey! You’re the plane freak, GET US DOWN!”

Jake, awoken by the physical abuse and screaming, gave his friend the best death glare he could muster. “The Hell is wrong with you? Do you have any idea what time it is?!”

“Judging by the sun I’d say high noon, really freaking high!”

“What on earth are you yammering about?” Jake looked over the edge of his “bed”, exasperated. “There’s nothing wro- oh dear.” His eyes widened to saucer range as he took in the ground, several thousand feet below them. “Oh god…”

“Yeah, ‘Oh god!’” Sam said, still freaking out, “get us down!”

“How? I don’t even know how we got UP; let alone how we are staying UP!”

Sam attempted to grab Jake’s shoulders and shake him, but only succeeded in bashing him. “And why can’t I grab you? What happened to my hands?” Only now, Sam got a good look at his hands, which had become what looked scarily like hooves. “Oh what in the Hell…” He whispered. Now that the panic was settling down, he got a good look at his friend. “Uh, Jake?”

“What?”

“You’re…a pony.” Sam looked down “and by the look of it, so am I” He looked back toward his new flank “I have a Cutie Mark. Jake, I have a Cutie Mark, we are My Little Ponies”

Jake, his face locked into a mask of denial, shook his head. “No, no we aren’t.”

“I seriously think we are”

“No we aren’t, this isn’t happening, no way no sir.” The more he talked the faster his head shook, his voice rising in anger. “Either you’re dreaming, or I’m having a nightmare. Because there is no way that we have become My Little FREAKING Ponies!”

During the rant, Sam examined his new body. “We appear to be Pegasi, which would explain the cloud.” He gave his wings an experimental flap, still ignoring Jake’s stream of increasingly loud and profane denial. “Hmmm, I wonder.” He turned so his side was facing Jake and lashed out with a wing, effectively punching his friend in the stomach.

“No no FU- PWOAH.” Tirade cut short, Jake doubled over and folded his forelegs over his gut. “The Hell was that for?!”

“For one, to shut you up, and two to test how much control I have of these things.”

“So you hit me?”

“Which is standard for us, yes.” Sam gave his wings another flex “Do you think we can make it to ground level?”

Jake took another peak over the dizzying drop. “Still hoping this is a nightmare, but just to test it, you go first.”

“Me?! You’re the plane freak! You go!”

“And you’re the brony, AND your favorite of the six is a pegasus! I think you are the most qualified. Plus if you die, I’ll know to stay up here and laugh.”

“Bah! Fine, I’ll go! We are gonna need to get down anyway, cause dream or not being stuck in an isolated place with you is scary.” Sam peaked over the edge and took a deep breath. “Okay, here we go…”

He crouched down and made to jump when a voice came from behind them. “Who are you two? I didn’t expect to see anypony up here.”

Sam froze. “That voice…” He turned slowly and what he saw made his jaw hit the cloud. There, hovering at the other end of the cloud occupied by the two, was Rainbow Dash.

“Well that is terribly convenient, someone who knows what they are doing!” Jake set out at a trot towards Dash. “After all, until sanity re-asserts itself we may as well have a guide.” Sam elected to remain behind, his expression tense as he mentally chanted at himself to not fanboy.

Rainbow Dash chuckled nervously. Apparently this pony thought he’d gone crazy. Dash wasn’t sure if him knowing that worried her more or less. “You two having trouble? This cloud really isn’t all that high, it’s a simple glide.”

“Well maybe for you, but we are kinda new to this!” Jake looked over his shoulder at Sam. “Are you coming or what?”

Okay Samuel, you can do this. Approach calmly, don’t freak out, this is probably all a dream anyway… Sam kept up this internal monologue for about three steps before he broke. Showing surprising mastery of his wings, Sam took off at an incredible pace towards Dash, his arms outstretched to hug the multi-chromatic pony.

His mad dash was stopped short as Jake stuck out a leg, clothes-lining him. “Oh no you don’t! There will be plenty of time to traumatize the fictional characters when we are on the ground.” Sam plopped onto the cloud, clutching his throat as best he could with his hooves and gasping for breath.

Rainbow, now thoroughly weirded out, backed off a bit from the cloud. “You guys aren’t quite…right… are you?”

“Not at all really, now can you help us get down?” Jake said, shrugging easily.

Once Sam had stopped gasping and had given Jake a wing cuff to the head for revenge, Dash gave a crash course in gliding and the three soon found them just outside Ponyville. “Still convinced this is a delusion?” Sam asked as they entered town.

“Oh absolutely,” Jake responded without missing a beat. “otherwise I would have started destroying everything in a several mile wide radius, starting with you.”

I need to get these two to Twilight’s before they kill each other, or me. Dash thought in a mild panic. Out loud, she said “Follow me, I know somepony who should be able to help you guys.” Flying a few feet in the air, Rainbow Dash took off towards Twilight’s library. Along the way, the two continued to idly chat and make mortal threats towards one another and those around them. Dash discreetly examined the two stallions as she flew. The one who seemed to think he had gone crazy was colored a silvery blue with strange cloud patterns on his feathers and a dark blue mane. The one who had tried to tackle her was a solid lime green with a jet black mane and tail and startlingly red eyes.
Both of them had strange Cutie Marks, the deluded one’s was a Mobius strip with a weird winged creature flying through it and the words “Mobius-118” written in a ribbon under the symbol. The overenthusiastic green one’s was a large red circle with a line through it at each of the cardinal compass points and a red dot in the exact center. If the constant pummeling the two gave each other didn’t tip anypony off, the Cutie Marks had an almost violent feel to them. These two could cause a very serious problem if Twilight couldn’t do something.

Several minutes and seemingly random topics of discussion later, the three arrived at a large hollowed out tree. Dash knocked and was thankful when Twilight Sparkle opened the door; she didn’t need the impressionable Spike being around these two. “Hey Rainbow, who are your friends?” Twilight asked as she spotted the two newcomers.

“Well they aren’t my friends” This seemed to break the green one’s heart much to the deluded one’s pleasure, “but I could use some help with them. I found them stuck on a cloud together and they have been acting, well really weird.”

“Well they seem to be friends.” Twilight said. “They look inseparable.” And truthfully they had spent the whole trip through town shoulder to shoulder.

“That’s cause I don’t trust this one not to tear something down.” The green one said.
“Besides, it makes this easier.” The other chimed in, kicking his friend in the leg.

“See what I mean?” Dash said. Twilight nodded and gestured everyone to come inside. She was already composing a letter to Celestia in her head; something told her these two where no ordinary ponies…

Initial Introductions

Guardian Angels
Chapter 2
Initial Introductions

Twilight Sparkle eyed the pair of stallion pegasi as they trotted in behind Rainbow Dash. They were… utterly bizarre! Like, “lock ‘em up because they’re a danger to themselves and others” bizarre. But there was something about them that felt nonthreatening. They acted like they were criminally insane (and the blue one attested that they were!), but there was also a feeling of kindness emanating from them. And despite the death threats (phrases almost never uttered in Equestria) and kicks they delivered to each other, they were friends. Twilight had a sixth sense about these things.

“So,” she said tentatively, still not sure what to make of the strange pair, “What are your names?”

“My name’s Sam,” the green pony blurted out quickly, “and I just want to say, it is such an honor to meet you! Both of you! But especially you, Rainbow Dash! You’re so cool, like unbelievably so and being here is totally-“ He was cut off by a sharp jab from his companion.

“Uh… thanks?” Dash said after a moment of thought. She put on her proud face and puffed out her chest a little, “I guess my reputation precedes me!”

“And you?” Twilight asked the sky-colored pony.

“Jacob,” he said simply.

“You guys have weird names,” Dash said just as easily.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight gasped at her friend’s poor manners, “Apologize!”

“That’s okay!” Sam assured, “Our names are weird!”

“Have you no shame?” Jake asked, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Not today, no.”

“You’re going to be so disappointed when this psychotic episode is over.”

“I might cry a little,” Sam admitted.

“Sooo, where are you from?” Twilight asked, still trying to figure out the strange duo.

“You haven’t heard of it,” Jake supplied right away.

Before Twilight could inquire further, Spike waddled in carrying a large tome. “I found that reference guide you wanted, Twi,” he informed as the large book landed with a hard thud. He quickly noticed they had company. “Who are they?”

Dash leaned over to Twilight. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for Spike to be around these guys,” she whispered, to which her friend instantly agreed.

“Uh…” Twilight thought quickly, “They’re from out of town.” Spike saw through Twilight’s weak poker face, putting his hands on his hips. “Now could you go get… Uhhm… Applejack?”

“What do you need Applejack for?” Spike asked suspiciously.

“Just do it,” she insisted. Begrudgingly, he complied.

“That’s a good serf you’ve got there,” Jake said drolly.

“Serf?” Dash asked, obviously not understanding the joke. She had only heard the word “surf” in one context and it didn’t make any sense here.

“H-h-h-he’s not a serf!!” Twilight said, aghast by the thought, “He’s my assistant!”

“Right,” Jake said dismissively, “And how much are you paying him?”

“I… Uh…”

“Ignore him,” Sam said while kicking his friend in the side with his back leg, “He’s an ass.”

“Uhh, he’s not a donkey, he’s a pegasus,” Dash stated the obvious.

“Oh she’s a sharp one,” Jake said, coughing a little from the kick, “I think she’s got your number, Sam.”

“Hey! You’re makin’ fun of me, aren’t you?!” Dash demanded.

“Uh, I have something to do,” Twilight said, trying to come up with an excuse to write her letter to Celestia. She also had to catch up with Spike so she could send the letter. “You can keep them company for a little while, can’t you?”

“No! Don’t leave me alone with them!” Dash pleaded. But Twilight was already out the door. Dash looked helplessly back at the two weirdoes she discovered on a cloud just a few minutes before. She was really starting to regret helping them. Though it also dawned on her that she would have felt worse if she hadn’t. Quickly she shook herself out of her thoughts and noticed “Sam” staring at her with a stupidly huge grin. “Uh, is he okay?” she asked pointing a hoof at Sam.

“Have you ever heard the term ‘fanboy’?” Jake asked.

“No…”

Jake thought for a moment for a way to quickly explain the complex and slightly disturbing phenomenon of fanboy/girlism without breaking the universe. “It’s kind of like being a stalker, only it’s legal and it tends to be done en mass.”

“You make it sound like a bad thing!” Sam protested.

“It is.”

“Well, you’re a Lyn fanboy!” Sam countered, “And a Katniss fanboy!”

“That doesn’t count!” Jake exclaimed, tensing up like a statue.

Dash started laughing. “You two may be crazy,” she said through gasps of laughter, “Like, ‘makes Pinkie look normal’ crazy, but you sure are funny!”

“You think we’re funny?” Sam asked, genuinely touched since he knew how high Dash’s standards were. She nodded, still cracking up. “Hear that?” he beamed, turning to Jake, “Rainbow Dash thinks we’re funny!”

“You can post it on one of your weird brony sites,” Jake sighed as he calmed down. Suddenly his ears perked up and he got an evil grin on his face. “That reminds me… There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, Ms. Dash.”

She stopped laughing and saw his expression. Sure it was creepy, but it wasn’t threatening. The worst she’d probably get was a mean joke at her expense. “What is it?”

Sam’s face grew pale when he saw his friend’s grin, realizing what he was thinking. “You wouldn’t dare!”

“I was just wondering,” he started with a dark glee, “how you felt about the fact that ninety-five percent of the internet thinks you are a-“

Sam tackled Jake hard and shoved his hoof in the blue pony’s mouth. “She must NEVER know!” he exclaimed desperately.

“Know what?” she asked, not sure what to think of the unfinished question. “What is the internet? What do they think I am?”

Jake threw Sam off him. “The cat’s out of the bag now!” he said triumphantly, “You know her better than I do. She won’t stop until she finds out.”

“I don’t care!” Sam said vehemently, “She will not hear about that from us!”

“What?!” Dash demanded, “Come on, guys! It can’t be that bad!”

Sam shook his head violently. “No, really,” he assured, “It is that bad.”

Jake nodded and grinned in agreement, “It’s true.”

“Does nopony like me?” Dash asked sadly, “Is that it? Nopony likes me?”

“That’s not it!” Sam told her, “You have millions of fans!”

“And knowing what most of those fans think of you won’t ruin your complex,” Jake said, “Might piss you off, though.”

“M-m-m-millions?” Dash stuttered. Suddenly she shook her head, “Wait, complex?! I don’t have a complex!!”

“Yeah! Dash doesn’t have a complex!” Sam said just as fervently.

“Sam, you were agreeing with me on this, like, twelve hours ago!”

“That was before I met her in person,” he countered.

“That was, what? Fifteen minutes ago?”

“It counts!”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Dash interrupted, “What ‘complex’ am I supposed to have?”

“Well, you act really brazen unless the problem is your own, you make everything a competition and chose a really showy hobby to prove yourself even though you don’t have anything to prove, and you have low self-esteem all stemming from a poor self-image (for some odd reason). It’s a classic inferiority complex.” Dash’s jaw hung lower than should have been physically possible as Jake’s brutally honest and analytical diagnosis continued. She even started to stutter as she tried to find the words to refute the analysis. “Why do you have a poor self-image, by the way? Did mommy not hug you enough as a child?”

“Jake,” Sam sighed.

The sky-colored pony sighed, “Okay, that was the line. Sorry.” His apology was sincere, but Dash didn’t hear it. She didn’t really hear anything said after “inferiority complex”.

“Buh… I… That…”

“Way to go, Jake,” Sam complained, “I think you broke her. You broke my favorite pony!”

“At least it was entertaining while it lasted.” Sam hoof-punched Jake in the back of the head so hard he saw stars. He doubled over, clutching his head with his fingerless hooves.

Twilight returned right about then (which was odd since she was supposed to be in the other room and not outside). She seemed frazzled as she shut the door behind her. “I got a letter from Princess Celest-“ she noticed the odd scene, Dash stuttering like an idiot, Jake rolling on the floor in pain and Sam simultaneously trying to console Dash and laugh at Jake’s pain. “What’s going on here?”

“Jake did it!” Sam offered instantly.

Twilight’s head started to hurt. Why would Princess Celestia call for these weirdoes?!

Author's Note

Note: This is the first chapter written by Mobius and not me. The author of the chapters will alternate as such from this point forward. That being said, I hope everypony enjoys and feel free to leave a comment!

Shedding Light on the Situation

Chapter 3
Shedding Light on the Situation

“Remind me again.” Jake said as the sky carriage cut through the sky. “Why does Ra want to see us?”

Twilight sighed heavily, most of the ride had been taken up with these jabs at her mentor and her rage had long since given over to resignation. “Her name isn’t ‘Ra’, its Celestia. And to answer your question, I’m not sure.”

“She is the sun god of this world, therefore she is Ra from this point forward.” Jake said matter-of-factly.

Twilight was so desperate she actually turned to Sam for aid. “A little help?”

“Sorry, but there is no way I can break his stubbornness.” The green pegasus grinned widely. “Besides, this is pretty funny.”

The escort flying their carriage to Canterlot had been studiously ignoring his strange passengers, but felt sympathetic for Twilight and decided to interrupt. “We are approaching the castle now. We will be docking soon.”

“Thank goodness!” Twilight cried, slumping against the side of the vehicle.

Meanwhile Rainbow Dash, whom had been invited along since she had been the one to find the pair, flew behind the carriage. She had decided to hang back and fly on her own, partly because she preferred it that way and mostly to avoid the two strangers. She was still reeling mentally from Jake’s harsh words and needed the solitude to sort through her thoughts. The most confusing part was the apology at the end, which she hadn’t acknowledged at the time. This pony who seemed so cruel had sincerely regretted what he said! Nothing had made sense she found those two, which was a frightening prospect since it had hardly been two hours before the carriage showed up. Depending on how long they stayed, things could get seriously out of control.

True to the escort’s words, the group arrived within minutes. After disembarking, Twilight directed them to Celestia’s throne room. She had hoped that maybe the sight of Canterlot Castle would have quieted the two for a bit. Unfortunately Jake had different plans and ended up discussing various methods of invading the castle, each more violent than the last. She could feel the weight of the Royal Guard’s displeasure bearing down on her and the group, and nearly cried with relief when they reached the large ornate doors marking Celestia’s throne room. Finally, somepony with some sense!

The doors opened and the four entered. At the end of the cavernous room sat Princess Celestia in all her regal glory. It took all of Twilight’s self-control not to scamper over to her and hide. As they drew closer Celestia stood and approached them saying. “Welcome everypony, I’m happy you all arrived safely.” Her voice was kind, calming and carried a motherly quality, hearing it made Twilight visibly relax. Celestia grinned at her student’s relief and regretted that it would be short lived, her news would not be welcome it seemed.

Everyone in the group bowed as they met with Celestia. Everyone sans Jake that is, who immediately cut to the chase. “Yeah yeah yeah, so happy to see us, glad you all could make it, blah blah very diplomatic. Mind explaining why we are here?”

The complete lack of manners horrified Twilight, but fortunately Celestia took it in stride. “Don’t worry, everything will be explained. But first,” She turned to Twilight “How have you been, my prize pupil? Have our new visitors given you too much trouble? What is your impression of them?”

“They are completely insane and I think they are taking me with them.” Twilight answered truthfully. “But there is something about them that makes me think that they really won’t destroy everything we know and love.”

“Ah, but a boy can dream” Jake sighed wistfully.

Ignoring the comment, Twilight continued. “They are obviously good friends, though how I have no idea.”

“Neither do we.” Sam quipped.

“AND” Twilight continued forcibly, her ire already rising again. “they seem to be disturbingly knowledgeable of my friends and I.”

“Anything else you’d like to add? Maybe about how I’m superior to him in every way?” Jake said, nodding towards Sam.

“They are incredibly annoying.” Twilight deadpanned.

The entire exchange seemed to amuse Celestia. “Excellent observations, which is exactly why I brought them here to Equestria.”

This reveal was met with wildly varying reactions, Rainbow Dash was shocked, Sam seemed caught between excitement and confusion, and Twilight looked almost betrayed.

Jake? Jake was furious. “YOU!?” He thundered, any semblance of respect he might have had was out the stained glass windows. “You brought us here? And made me a FUCKING PONY!?”

Much to his growing irritation, Jake’s tirade failed to effect Celestia. “Yes, I did. I need you two to perform a very special task.”

“And why the hell should I help you?”

“Because I brought you here, I’m the one who can send you back.”

The threat was obvious. “What task?” Jake asked through gritted teeth.

“Equestria had always been as close to idyllic as I could make it. Luna’s return helped greatly, since I now had more time to dedicate to running a country rather than keeping the world functioning. I had thought that the task of helping to protect Equestria from more direct threats had been placed in capable hooves when Twilight and her friends acquired the Elements of Harmony. And for the most part, I was correct. However these last two threats, Discord and the Changelings, brought us closer to destruction then I care to contemplate. Both times, the problem was that the girls had been separated from either each other, or the Elements themselves. Though disaster had been averted both times, I knew we need an extra measure, a failsafe if you will. That is where you two come in.”

“More firepower, you need us to help them against something they can’t overcome.” Sam said, catching on to the plan.

Celestia nodded approvingly. “Exactly, I needed two friends who not only knew this world, but also knew Twilight and her friends, and would be able to help should the need arise. You two will act as counter measures to ensure that the Elements can be used to stop any threat.” The alicorn sighed. “I’m sorry that this sounds so impersonal, I was never very good at making plans like this, it makes ponies seem more like tools then living beings.”

“Meh, war is like that.” Jake said, returning to his standard cynical behavior. “So they are the spear and we are the shield? We deflect attacks to make sure they strike true?”

Celestia winced at the thought of her little ponies being described as such. “I suppose that is the best way to put it.”

“But how do they know so much about us?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Oh well that is a fascinating story!” Jake exclaimed. “You see, it all started with a girl’s toy in the 1980’s…” That was about as far as he got before Sam tackled him.

“Oh no you don’t! You will NOT shatter their perception of reality!” The two then began fighting in earnest to see who could shut the other up longest to either make the world shattering reveal or hide it.

Celestia, showing amazing self-restraint, turned to Twilight. “I’m afraid even I don’t know quite how they know so much, though it seems to be a thing in there society to peek into the lives of others for entertainment.” She winced as Jake delivered a particularly forceful blow to Sam’s abdomen. “Though I wasn’t expecting them to be so, physical.”

“That just sounds wrong.” Sam gasped from the floor.

Celestia coughed to cover the fact that the stallion’s implication had made her choke on her words. “Or so...peculiar.” She once again turned to Twilight. “I am sorry to have dropped this on you so suddenly Twilight, but I feel that you will need the help of these two.” She smiled encouragingly. “And I know my favorite student will be more than capable of dealing with them.”

“That’s another thing I’ve been meaning to ask.” Jake said, having since extricated himself from the battle. “I have seen quite a lot of literature and art explaining EXACTLY why she is your favorite student.” He gave his best evil grin. “Care to confirm?”

Celestia’s eyes widened and her face flushed bright red. “I-I would never… I mean I…That is…”

Twilight looked between her flustered mentor and the triumphant Jake, entirely at a loss. “I don’t get it, what does he mean?”
“That is something to be discussed at a later date.” It seemed Jake had finally found a chink in the Princess’s armor, and now she was rushing to be rid of the group. “Unfortunately, I have many more things to see to today. A chariot has already been prepared for your return to Ponyville.” She turned back towards her throne, desperate to regain her composure.

“Are you alright, Princess?” Twilight asked, concerned for her teacher.

“Yes, I’m fine.” She responded, in a decidedly neutral tone. She didn’t look back at the group as she returned to her throne. “Have a safe trip home everypony, I will begin preparations for any housing needs our guests may have.”

With that the group was escorted from the room by guardponies. Twilight sputtered out various half-sentences as they left, trying and failing to get Celestia’s attention. That, more than anything else that had transpired, seemed to be wearing on her the hardest. So, when the doors closed behind them, Twilight turned from the group and laid her head against the wall, her entire body rising and falling as she took several deep breaths.
“I think that went rather well.” Jake said causally. Nopony was quite sure if it was his tone or the sound of his voice that caused what happened next.

Twilight Sparkle went berserk, her mane and tail exploded into flame and she whirled to face Jake, her eyes wide and manic with rage. “Well!?!? WELL!?!” She stomped toward the pegasus, each fall of her hooves causing a resounding crash on the marble floor. “You were improper to the princess, perpetually perpetrated presumptuous problems, and proceeded to imperil my perfect reputation, you pretentious prick of a pegasus!” By this point she and the subject of her hatred where nose to nose, Jake’s expression shocked at how infuriated the unicorn was.

His mind scrambled for a witty quip and ordered him to say the first one that came to mind. “I thought the fire thing was just a special effect…”

Twilight screamed incoherently and lunged for Jake’s throat. Fortunately for him Rainbow Dash and Sam grabbed the enraged pony and held her back. “Jesus Christ man, you got her to not only do the fire mane and alliteration thing, but you made her cuss too!” Sam yelled, barely dodging a flaming hoof. “I would be impressed if we weren’t about to die!”

“How do we calm her down?!” Jake asked, rapidly backing off from Twilight.

“I have an idea.” Sam said. “Dash, go get a bucket of water, fast as you can.” Dash shot off quick as a flash while Sam wrapped his forelegs around Twilight’s midriff and rapidly pumped his wings. He airlifted the frenzied unicorn so she could no longer charge his friend. Unfortunately for him, her flaming mane was beginning to scorch his underside, and the thrashing made it difficult to hold her. “Ow ow ow, Dash! Hurry up!” Several seconds later the speedster pegasus returned, bucket in mouth. “Douse her!” Sam screamed, turning to present Twilight.

Dash blasted the two of them with water, the fire instantly going out and soaking both ponies to the bone. The fringe of Twilight’s mane and tail where scorched black and Sam’s mane had fallen into his face. Very gently, Sam set the quivering unicorn down and wiped his wet hair out of his eyes. “That worked better than I expected.” Jake said. “But what’s to stop her from doing it again?”

“This.” Sam said before suddenly charging his friend. He overshot slightly, appearing over Jake’s head before bucking straight down. The blow knocked Jake out cold, causing him to slump to the ground. “Now you won’t bother Twi anymore.” He said, despite the fact that Jake could no longer listen. He turned back to Twilight and Rainbow Dash, a wry smile on his face. “Today has been great! I woke up in Equestria, got to meet Rainbow Dash, and knocked Jake flat on his ass!” He looked down at his unconscious friend. “I suppose I’ll haul the dead weight, ah well.” He knelt down and hefted Jake onto his back. “On with the show!”

Author's Note

And so, after a slight delay, the next chapter is up! We're gonna start getting into more substantial stuff soon, hope everypony is prepared! Till then, hope you enjoy this chapter, and feel free to drop a comment saying what you think. Any and all criticism is appreciated.

Mobius and Scattershot

Chapter 4

Mobius and Scattershot

Twilight was still shaking a little, borderline hyperventilating, damp from her dousing (so was Sam), and flush with anger and embarrassment. It was probably the second-least dignifying she had ever looked. Or third… “I…! Hate…! Him…! He…! Is…! So…! Infuriating!!” she gasped for the third time.

“Calm down, Twili-“ Dash started. She decided to ride the carriage home since Twilight was so distressed.

“DON’TTELLMETOCALMDOWN!!” Twilight snapped.

“Okay, jeez!”

Turning to Sam, Twilight asked. “How do you stand him?” She sounded calm, though that was mostly because didn’t have the energy to stay angry anymore.

“By not taking it seriously,” He offered easily.

Twilight cocked her head. “You can do that?”

“He’s not normally like this,” Sam admitted, “I think it’s obvious that he’s… less than comfortable with our situation. I’m havin’ a great time, though!”

“So he’s not always totally rude, and disrespectful, and abrasive?” Twilight grumbled.

“Well…”

“Right…” she sighed.

“I don’t think they’re so bad.” Dash mumbled, “Sure, Jacob can be pretty rude sometimes, but he means well. And you’ve been real nice, Sam.”

“I can’t believe you’re defending him,” Twilight gasped, “Yeah, Sam is nice, if a little weird. But Jacob is such a… a… lout!” Dash traced circles in the floor with her hoof; she didn’t know why she was defending him either. Or why she was still in the carriage now that Twilight was herself again. Or why she wasn’t hiding in a cloudbank right now. When the three heard a groan emanating from the pony in question, Twilight’s face drained from irritation to a tired sadness. “Next time, Sam,” she sighed, “hit him harder.”

His face brightened to the point that it looked like it was glowing. “Will do!”

“Am I sane again?” Jake groaned, not getting up or opening his eyes. “I have fingers, right?”

“You’re still a pony, Jake.”

“Damn it.” He got up and shook the stars out of his vision. “I think you gave me a concussion.”

Before Sam could give a witty comeback, Twilight shot Jake a death glare. “Well, you’re giving me an aneurism,” she sneered, “So deal with it.” They both glared at each other, but Jake quickly let it go. Twilight waited for a snide quip, but when none came she moved on. “I have to introduce you to my friends…” she sounded like she might cry.

“Don’t sound too excited,” Jake quipped. There it is.

“Okay, you can’t act…” Twilight paused to find the right words, “You can’t act like you.”

“Uhhh, we can’t turn off the snark,” Sam said completely unapologetically, “It’s a sickness with no cure.”

“I think she wants us to act ‘normal’,” Jake guessed.

“Isn’t that what I just said?”

“Please,” she emphasized, “Don’t act all crazy and violent. You’ve already traumatized Rainbow Dash!”

Dash looked up from the carriage floor at the sound of her name. “Wha-? Huh?”

“See?”

“We’ll do our best!” Sam smiled, more than willing to ease Twilight’s burden.

“You can do your best,” Jake corrected, “I make no promises.”

Sam cantered over to Twilight and whispered in her ear. “Don’t worry. If he does something stupid, I’ll knock his ass out again.”

“Well, I don’t want him hurt,” she whispered back, “I just want him quiet…”

“Jeez, get a room,” Jake barked.

“I take it back,” Twilight deadpanned, “Do whatever you have to do.” He nodded and returned to his original seat, ready to sock Jake at any opportunity.

Then he perked up. “I just thought of something,” he said, “Shouldn’t we have pony names?” He was immediately batted by Jake’s wing.
“Under no circumstances.”

Twilight seized upon Jake’s aversion instantly. She tried not to smile, but a tiny grin creped through momentarily. “That’d probably be best,” she said calmly, “It would be easier for you to fit in that way.”

“I don’t want to fit in!” Jake tensed, “I want to do the exact opposite of fitting in!”

Now she knew she had him and she wasn’t letting go. “No, I insist! You’ll need to live in Ponyville, and you’d stand out as Jacob and Sam.”

Jake opened his mouth to speak again, but stopped. He noticed the… well, sparkle in Twilight Sparkle’s eye. “Wait a minute,” he eyed her carefully, “Do you want this because you think it’s a good idea, or because I don’t?”

She glanced at Sam and noticed that he had seen the glee in her eyes too. She dropped the act and grinned just as widely as Jake had when he finally got a jab at Celestia. “Both,” she admitted, “But it is still a good idea. So what’s your name again?”

“I could go with Deadeye,” Sam suggested.

“Wouldn’t that shorten to Dead?” Dash asked.

“Oh, ummm… How about Scattershot?”

“You are pretty scattered,” Jake nodded. Sam tried to give him a good right hook, but he ducked. “Ha!” The instant he popped his head back up to laugh, Sam’s hoof buried in his face. “Ow.”

“Scattershot would be fine,” Twilight smiled.

“Nice to meet you Scattershot,” Dash added.

“Thish ish shtupid,” Jake said from behind Sam’s hoof. He yanked his friend’s fist out of his face with his fingerless hooves. “And I hate cartoon physics!”

“So what are we going to call you??” Twilight asked Jake wickedly, “Fluffy Feathers?”

“You can call me Jacob.”

“Lil Cloudy?”

“Jacob.”

“Bird Brain…?”
“Most birds actually tend to have large brains proportionally to their body sizes,” Jake corrected.

“I think we should go with Bird Brain.” Jake glared daggers at Twilight as Sam, or Scattershot, was lost in uncontrollable laughter.

“Why not Mobius?” Dash piped up.

Dash’s suggestion made Jake realize something. He’d never really taken a look at his ponyfied self. “Smoky blue? Sky camo? I’m colored like Mobius One’s Raptor.” He thought for a moment. “Mobius… I could live with that. Good call.” Dash smiled. “But how’d you come up with that? I doubt Ace Combat 4 is a thing around here.”

Dash’s smile faded into confusion. “But… it’s on your Cutie Mark.”

“Mobius” tensed again. “My what?”

“You have a Cutie Mark,” Scattershot informed, “I thought you would have known that.”

“I’m an optimist,” Mobius grumbled sarcastically. He craned his head around to inspect his new flank. When he saw the mark in question, he tensed even more.

“I kind of guessed you aren’t ponies from Mobius’s outburst before,” Twilight said, “But don’t… um… your kind have Cutie Marks?”

Scattershot shook his head. “We’re not so lucky to have our special talents printed on our bodies.”

Mobius suddenly grabbed Scattershot’s shoulders (again, doing something that should have needed fingers without realizing it) and looked at him with bugged out eyes. “I have a fictional fighter squadron’s insignia tattooed on my ass!” Mobius said, something between rage and terror in his voice. He started shaking Scattershot violently as he continued his panic attack, “Why the hell am I here?!?!”

“I- Don’t- Know- Stop- Sha- King- Me!”

“Please, please just stop…!” Twilight almost whimpered, “It is soooo exhausting dealing with you. And I have to get everypony to meet you, and Pinky’s going to want to throw you a welcome party, and I need to find you a place to stay…” The rest of the ride was spent listening to Twilight mumble to herself. Scattershot kept quiet because he felt sorry for her. Mobius kept quiet because he was enjoying the mental breakdown of two ponies.

Author's Note

Delays, delays far as the eye can see! Honestly that comes down to me being forgetful on top of having loads of college work. The next SHOULD be up on time, and in the meantime I hope you all enjoy!

Round Up

Chapter 5
Round-up

By the time they reached Ponyville, Twilight had almost reclaimed her rational thought and was busy planning how best to assemble the group. “We can’t have you two there during the round-up, we don’t need anypony to be a gibbering mess when we arrive at the door.” She turned to Dash and gave her the best puppy dog eyes she could muster. “Could you deal with them? Just for a short while? I’ll teleport to make this quicker.”

Rainbow Dash was still apprehensive about being around the two of them on her own, but she had mostly recovered from her break-down, at least enough that she could operate. “I’ll do what I can.” She said.

Twilight nearly collapsed in relief. “Thank you! I’m really sorry, but I’ll be as quick as I can. Meet us at the café in an hour.” She was just powering up her teleportation spell when she turned to Scattershot. “You know what to do.”

“Aye ma’am!” Scattershot replied readily, giving his best hoof-salute as Twilight disappeared.

“You are enjoying this entirely too much.” Mobius said, shaking his head.

“Oh lighten up.” Scattershot retorted, punching his friend on the shoulder. “Be optimistic for once in your life why don’t you?”

“And what if I don’t want to?”

“I have the nuclear option.”

“So yeah, something to do for an hour.” Dash interrupted loudly. She was beginning to learn that these two needed to have their talks in bursts or things got out of hoof quickly.

“Oh don’t worry; I’m sure some convenient disaster will come along to occupy our time.” Mobius assured her. “And if one doesn’t, I’ll create one.”

“I sure we can sufficiently entertained without any more destruction, thank you.” Scattershot countered.

“How about I give you guys an aerial tour of the town?” Dash suggested. “Unless you already have it memorized or something.”

“He probably does.” Mobius said, shoving Scattershot with his wing. “But you are forgetting that we only know how to glide and hurt each other with these things.”

“How do you two not already know?” Dash asked, confused.

“We’re aliens, remember? Personalized flight isn’t really a thing where we come from.” Scattershot said. “But we are fast learners if you feel like teaching us.”

“As long as you promise not to get any of us killed or put in the hospital.”

“We can certainly try.”

“That’ll have to work.”

While Rainbow Dash gave her new companions an impromptu flying lesson, Twilight was composing herself in front of Applejack’s front door. She had decided to rally the troops in order of furthest from town to closest in order to preserve her magic. She had also chosen Applejack first because getting her to come meet and accept these two would require a bit of lying, which was hard since AJ was the Element of Honesty. But she figured if she could convince the farmer pony to trust the strangers then she could convince anypony.

With one last deep breath she knocked at the door. Applejack answered promptly and smiled at her friend “Well howdy Twilight! What brings you around here?”

“That is a very long story.” Twilight said. “But the short version is that two new ponies have come to town and Princess Celestia wants us all to meet them.”

“Ah’m all fer meetin’ new folks, but why does the Princess want us t’ meet these two?”

“They aren’t from Equestria.” Twilight said, cobbling together half-truths on the fly. “The Princess thinks becoming friends with them would be beneficial.” It took all her mental discipline to contain the spasm of fear the idea sent through her.

Fortunately, AJ took the story at face value. “Makes sense to me. Where’re y’all meetin’?”

Doing her best not to appear visibly relieved, Twilight gave Applejack the time and place before excusing herself and teleporting away. Fluttershy’s house was next on the list. Twilight appeared in a flash of purple light and heard a scream from behind her. She whirled around to see a pair of eyes peeking out from a bush. “Oh, Twilight it’s you.” Fluttershy’s soft voice emanated from the leaves. She extricated herself from the bush and shook leaves from her mane. “You startled me!”

Twilight groaned internally, poor Fluttershy would have a heart attack around those two! “Sorry about that Fluttershy, I’m in a bit of a rush.”

“Oh my! Is something wrong?”

I left Rainbow Dash with two manic ponies and don’t want to torture her any further. “I’m setting up a meeting, two new ponies from beyond Equestria have come to town and the Princess thinks it would be best to meet them.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened at the thought of meeting two new ponies. One stranger was bad enough! “Well if the Princess says it’s a good idea I guess…” She kicked a hoof at the dirt in thought. “What are they like?”

Twilight closed her eyes for a moment to think before responding. “They are eccentric.”

Fluttershy was immediately concerned by her friend’s expression. “How are the eccentric?”

Twilight realized that dancing around the subject was hopeless and dropped all pretenses of subtlety. “They have tested everything I know about other ponies since I first met them. They are bizarre, frightening, and by all indications should be incarcerated. However they seem to be able to contain the insanity to themselves and are accommodating enough around others, unless somepony else’s consternation amuses them. One of them is nice enough and seems to be trying the make the best out of our predicament. The other is a walking headache. Being around them is an exhausting experience but they are going to be here awhile so we may as well get used to them.”

Fluttershy’s knees, which had been wobbling more and more throughout Twilight’s exposition, gave out. Twilight caught her friend with magic before she could hit the ground and set her on her hooves. “S-so why do we have to meet them?” Fluttershy stammered.

“Trust me, this wasn’t my idea. But the Princess feels that it is for the best, and it won’t be as horrible as I made it sound.” She rubbed her face with a hoof, sighing. “I’ve just had a long day.” She was hoping that the two pegasi had at least worn own their crazy energy and would behave at the meeting.

Reluctantly, Fluttershy agreed to meet with Scattershot and Mobius. Twilight again gave the time and place and teleported away. She arrived outside Sugarcube Corner and was surprised to have Rarity answer the door when she knocked. “Hello Rarity, is Pinkie there?”

“Indeed she is and before you say anything I already know why you’re here!” In response to Twilight’s confused expression she added. “Pinkie saw Rainbow Dash with those two stallions earlier and…”

She was cut off by an explosion of pink as Ponyville’s resident party animal squeezed past her and out the door. “I knew I had never seem those guys before and I could tell Dashie was going to your place with them so I started to plan a party to welcome them and I knew that you had to know them since that’s where they were headed but when I tried to get Applejack and Fluttershy’s help they were too busy and when I went to the library you all were gone so I got Rarity to help me and we’ve been working on the party ever since!” Pinkie Pie made her entire explanation without pause, punctuation, or even a break for air.

Twilight blinked several times as her brain caught up with Pinkie. When she finally processed what had been said she replied. “Well we are already having a meet-up to introduce everypony to them.” Pinkie seemed to deflate and her eyes became teary as it seemed her party would be overwritten. “But I’m sure we will be able to have your party right after!” Twilight hastily added.

Pinkie immediately returned to full poofiness and hoof-pumped the air triumphantly. “Yes! There will be candies and cakes and confections and…” She gasped dramatically as she remembered something and zipped back inside at top speed.

The two unicorns stood stunned for several seconds before Rarity said. “So where is this meeting?” Twilight provided the necessary information once again and set out for the café. She opted to walk rather than teleport, the meeting point was close by she was wiped from teleporting such long distances. She would need all her energy back when the rest of her friends finally encountered the two strangers.

Connections

Chapter 6
Connections

Twilight arrived at the café a half hour before everypony was supposed to meet. She needed a break, though it wasn’t lost on her that poor Dash was still alone with them. The sun was just starting to set, so there weren’t many ponies in the café. Also a stroke of good luck. No need to subject a dozen innocent ponies, to the inevitable chaos. Things were looking up for the first time today! As if the spark of hope had been some universal cue, Mobius and Scattershot landed outside the café.

“I knew there was a reason I liked you two,” Dash hovered next to them. “Are you sure you’ve never flown before? You had some pretty cool moves.”

“I’m something of an aircraft aficionado,” Mobius explained.

“By which he means aircraft nerd,” Scattershot corrected. Surprisingly, Mobius just nodded. “I bet this is the one thing you actually like about being here.”

Mobius shrugged, “It’s not quite the same. Fixed wing aircraft have rules, you know?” Everypony looked at him questioningly. “Let me put it this way,” Mobius elaborated, “I’d rather be an F-22A than an AV-8B, if you know what I mean.”

“Not really,” Twilight spoke for everypony.

Mobius groaned. “Oh, that reminds me of a great joke!” Twilight was not convinced of the jokes ‘greatness’. “What do you get when you cross a Sukhoi SU-37 Terminator with a-“

“Only you know, moving on,” Scattershot interrupted. He was promptly batted with a sky-blue wing.

“Howdy,” a voice called from a few steps down the street. An orange earth pony trotted toward the group. “These the new fellas?” Applejack asked.

“Applejack!!” Scattershot tried to leap forward, but was stopped short. Mobius was standing on his tail.

“Look, don’t touch. Are you going to do this every time you see someone you know?” Mobius asked, “Because if you do, one of us isn’t going to survive the other three introductions.”

Scattershot composed himself remarkably well and straightened back up. “You’re right, I’m good now.” He was still gushing excitement, but now it was much more under control. “But I thought you were for the pony traumatizing. Why’d you stop me?”

“Because Ms. Applejack here ‘has an agreeable sense about her in any delirium’,” Mobius stated easily, giving it a slight British accent to the last part.

“What was that one, Pirates?”

“Yes.”

“Good on ye, Jack.”

Applejack blinked a few times, trying to keep up. “You two aren’t all together upstairs, are ya?” she asked carefully. They both shook their heads. “An’ how did y’all know mah name?”

“Reasons.” Mobius and Scattershot barked in unison.

Applejack was about to protest when Dash stopped her. “Just go with it,” she said, “When they actually agree, it’s worth listening. Just kinda tune out everything else.”

“You became an expert pretty quickly.” Mobius noted with some insult.

“I don’t blame her, it’s the right technique. I do it to you all the time.” Scattershot quipped in.

“O… K,” Applejack tentatively agreed. She trotted to Twilight as the perpetual bickering began anew. “You didn’t mention these fellas were plum crazy,” she said privately.

“I didn’t say they weren’t?” Twilight offered, starting to sweat.

“Hello, there,” a proper, lady-like voice called out from a way down the other road.

“Miss Rarity!!” Scattershot beamed, jumping though he managed to restrain himself by going up, not forward. That didn’t mean Mobius had moved off his tail, though. “Can you, I dunno, move?”

“No!” Mobius scolded, “You can’t keep yourself under control for five minutes!”

“Next time we’ll meet your fictional idols and see how long you last,” Scattershot hissed.

Mobius started to argue, but Rarity was within earshot before he could start. “My, oh my. Twilight, you didn’t tell me your new friends were so handsome.”

Mixed reactions from the peanut gallery. The thought hadn’t occurred to Twilight or Dash, who were too concerned about their utter insanity to be concerned with their physical appearance. Applejack hadn’t been much concerned with that either, but she looked the boys down despite herself at the mention. Scattershot’s expression had become some mix of arrogance and snickering. Mobius groaned and rolled his eyes at being complimented by a talking pony.

“So, gentlecolts, what are your names?”

“My name is Scattershot. It’s a pleasure to meet you Miss Rarity.”

“Oh, my!” Rarity sighed happily, “Such manners. Why, anypony could mistake you for a Canterlot pony.”

“Unbelievable!” Mobius groaned quietly.

“Where’s Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked Rarity, remembering she was last helping the pink party pony.

“She’s putting the finishing touches on the…” Rarity started with shifty eyes.

“Surprise party?” Mobius and Scattershot finished in unison.

Rarity and Applejack’s jaws dropped at the seeming psychic abilities. “With Pinkie, it’s pretty easy to guess.” Scattershot clarified.

“Buh… but how did you…?” Rarity stuttered.

“Reasons.” This time it was Twilight and Dash speaking in tandem.

“I’m sensing a pattern emerging,” Scattershot noted.

“I concur,” his friend said.

“In… any event,” Rarity continued, “Pinkie should be here in just a few moments.”

“And that would be my cue to leave,” Mobius turned away and tried to leave. Unfortunately for him, AJ cut him off.

“An’ where do ya think yer goin’?” she asked accusingly.

“He’s scared of Pinkie Pie,” Scattershot answered for him.

Twilight snorted mockingly. “You are scared of Pinkie?”

“You’d be a fool not to be afraid of that eldritch demon,” Mobius admitted easily. “So, yes. I’m scared of Pinkie Pie.”

“Really?” Pinkie said, her head popping out from behind Mobius’s back, “Why?”

“THAT!” the mad, blue pony yelped in terror. He skidded away from the bright-eyed, smiling, cotton candy colored creature. “Because that! Don’t do that!”

“Do what?”

“Also, I think everyone’s here,” Mobius added, still catching his breath.

It took a moment for Twilight to put together the fact that everyone equated to everypony. “But what about Fluttershy?”

“It’s just that…” Mobius glanced over his shoulder, “Every time we all turn our backs, that bush gets closer.”

A pair of teal eyes darted deeper into the bush in question. “Eeep!”

“Come on out and meet Mobius and Scattershot,” Twilight implored the moving bush.

“Do I have to?” the bush squeaked.

“Yes!” Dash insisted as she pushed Fluttershy out of her leafy armor with her head.

Fluttershy scrunched up as tightly as she could, trying to be as small as possible. If she had her way, she’d have scrunched up into nothing. “H-h-h-h-hello…?” she squeaked as quietly as she could while still being heard.

“I think I’m having a heart attack,” Scattershot said, rather calmly for someone in such a dire medical situation.

“Even I must admit seeing this in person is one of the cutest things ever,” Mobius agreed, also not showing much concern for his friend’s cardiac problems.

“A heart attack?!” Fluttershy yelped. She at least seemed worried for Scattershot’s health. “W-we have to get you to a h-hospital!!”

“He was just kiddin’, sugarcube,” Applejack assured.

“Really?”

“Come on,” Mobius said mirthfully, “Let her squirm a little.” Fluttershy looked at the strangers tearfully. Mobius smiled down kindly at the shy pegesus, “He’s fine. You need to learn to lighten up.” He nudged her lightly in the shoulder. She stumbled a step, but easily caught herself. Everypony laughed. Even Fluttershy giggled. The mood of things changed drastically. No longer were these stallions a pair of crazy, possibly dangerous strangers. For the next few minutes, anyway.

“Let’s go get something to drink,” Twilight suggested, to which everypony agreed.

“I propose a toast,” Rarity recommended once they’d all been seated and got their drinks.

“To new friends?” Scattershot agreed. “You know a good one Mobius?”

“I got one,” he grinned, “We’ll celebrate like its 1991 and the Soviet Union just collapsed; may they all be killed!” He raised his glass with a wing, Scattershot doing the same.

“Nice one,” Scattershot complimented, “May they all be killed!”

“You taught me that one, actually,” Mobius nodded to his friend.

“Knew I knew it from somewhere. It’s an old Soviet toast.”

“I know! It sounds Russian, right? Watch, Joe Communist is sitting right behind me.”

“Quick, don’t think about capitalism!” After a moment of laughter, Scattershot continued. “Weren’t you born in ’91?”

“My mom and the doctor were discussing whether or not Gorbachev was going to destroy the Berlin Wall just hours before she went into labor.”

“No kidding?”

It was the strangest exchange Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy had ever heard. Fluttershy was hiding under the table in the fetal position by the end of the toast. Twilight and Dash were just starting to almost kind of get sort of used to their weirdness. The strangest part of the whole affair was not the conversation itself, but the fact that Pinkie was following the conversation as if she understood every word. It was a good thing that Mobius hadn’t noticed that since it would have sent him running away in terror, if running from Pinkie could accomplish anything, that is.

“Uhm, an’ where did y’all say you were from?” Applejack asked.

“An insane asylum,” Mobius answered instantly. Scattershot kicked him under the table, causing an inaudible whimper from Fluttershy.

“Ya don’t say…”

“He’s kidding!” Scattershot assured, “We’ve never actually been institutionalized!”

“That’s only because they haven’t been caught yet.”

“True, but my point remains valid.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Twilight sighed, finally numb to their insanity.

“You two are really insane? That’s neat! I’ve never met a crazy pony before!” Pinkie said quickly.

“Look in the mirror lately?” Mobius mumbled.

“Excuse me?” Pinkie asked.

“Nothing ma’am!”

“You two aren’t really crazy, are you?” Rarity asked tentatively.

Mobius shook his head lightly, “Not really.”

“We might be a little strange,” Scattershot agreed, “But I think ‘insane’ is a little much.”

“Well, that’s fine,” Rarity smiled, “After all, who isn’t a little strange? You’re most certainly an interesting pair.”

“Well, where are our manners?” Applejack spoke up, “We haven’t introduced ourselves!”

“Oh, we already know who you are!” Scattershot assured. Applejack suddenly got really nervous and contemplated changing her locks. “For example, you are Applejack, or ‘AJ’. You’re a farmer pony who works at your family farm Sweet Apple Acres. You are very determined, sometimes stubborn, and the Spirit of Honesty.” First thing AJ was going to do when she got home? Change her locks. Maybe add a few.

“You can assume we know you about as well as you know each other,” Mobius explained. “Like Miss Fluttershy here…” Fluttershy let out another frightened whimper. “…Is a sort of freelance veterinarian working out of her cottage next to the Everfree Forest. She’s meek and easily frightened, but can show stunning strength when it’s needed. And, of course, she is the Spirit of Kindness.” Suddenly he got such a sad expression on his face even Twilight almost felt sorry for him. “Oh, god! I knew all that off the top of my head!” he whimpered pathetically, dropping his head to the table.

“It’ll be okay, Mobius,” Scattershot assured, patting him on the back.

“I don’t need pity,” Mobius snapped, “I need Ace Combat! Stat!”

“I’m pretty sure the nearest PlayStation is a dimension or two away.”

“Don’t remind me!” The poor bastard was nearly in tears.

“You weren’t planning on neglecting me, were you?” Rarity asked.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Scattershot answered, “You are Miss Rarity. You work out of Carousel Boutique, ‘where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique’. You’re into fashion, gossip, and sequins, but you’re also a devoted friend and the Spirit of Generosity.” Rarity seemed pleased with the assessment. On that note, Dash was wondering why she got such a harsh evaluation before and everypony else was getting the kid gloves treatment.

“And you,” Mobius pointed at Pinkie accusingly, assuming she wanted her turn. Judging by the extra-large smile on her face, he was right. “You’re either a demon or some kind of robot. Either way, you scare me.”

“Maybe she’s both?” Scattershot offered.

“Yeah!” Pinkie agreed, “Maybe I am both! That would be so cool right Dashie?”

“Oh, dear God, it’s true!” Mobius shrieked and darted under the table. This caused Fluttershy to vacate her hiding place only to see Scattershot staring right at her. This of course caused her to panic and dart under the table, only to be met again with Mobius, causing the process to repeat itself. Finally she tired herself out and Fluttershy Flutterfainted. Mobius popped his head out from under the table. “Huh. That happened.”

“The poor dear,” Rarity sighed, “Someone should really take her home.”

“I’ll do it,” Mobius volunteered, already hoisting the unconscious yellow pegusus onto his back, “Wow, she’s light.”

“Now hold on there, partner,” AJ spoke up warningly, “How do we know you ain’t gonna do somethin’ funny? That’s mah friend there.”

Mobius smiled back at the entire group kindly. Everypony sans Scattershot had the same concerns on their minds. “The ‘may they all be killed’ stuff, that’s just a shtick,” he said assuring, “I may resent being kidnapped, but I don’t intend to hurt anybody.” With that he turned to leave, nopony feeling any need to stop him.

“Wait a minute…” Scattershot leaned over and spoke quietly to his friend. “You’re just doing this to get out of Pinkie’s party, aren’t you?” Mobius only smiled in return before leaving. True enough, by the time the bills were paid and the group set out, he hadn’t returned.

Parties, Ponies, and Punch

Chapter 7
Parties, Ponies, and Punch

Twilight was pleasantly surprised at how the meeting went. Sure Fluttershy had fainted but that had been expected, and even though she felt bad for her faint-hearted friend she was glad that Mobius was out of the picture. What she wasn’t looking forward to was seeing how Scattershot would act at Pinkie’s party. The stallion seemed to have boundless energy and without Mobius to restrain him she was concerned that he would go completely insane.

She needn’t have worried. While it was true that Scattershot was practically trembling with excitement he was forcing himself to act civilly. He was obviously going to be here awhile, no need to make the ponies unhappy with him right off the bat. Fortunately, they were headed to one of Pinkie’s famous parties, a place where venting huge levels of insane energy was considered normal.

Meanwhile Mobius was making his way through the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy had awoken (and forestalled her panic at being carried by the crazy stranger) long enough to timidly thank Mobius for helping her before unlocking her cottage and make her shaky way inside. Satisfied that his work was done, Mobius set out for the only place where everything wasn’t controlled by ponies. Once entering the dark wood he felt a huge sense of relief. “Finally!” He exclaimed to himself. “A break from all the crazy, where everything works the way it is supposed to!” At that moment he glanced down and saw that his hoof was hovering above a patch of disturbingly familiar blue flowers. “Where almost everything works the way it is supposed to!” He corrected himself as he changed course. Despite the poisonous flora, Mobius was happier in the Everfree Forest than he had been all day.

Back in town, Scattershot was being interrogated by the three ponies that survived the meet up and was doing his best to dance around answering questions that would only raise more about who he was. “May I ask what your Cutie Mark means?” Rarity asked. “The pattern is surprisingly elegant.”

“What, are you saying I’m not elegant?” Scattershot quipped, using the joke to buy time as he formulated an answer. The obvious correlation is ‘sniper’, he thought but how do I get that idea across without bringing up long-distance killing machines to the marshmallow horse? “It’s a crosshair. It means I have a keen eye and precision accuracy.”

“Seems a little off fer a feller named ‘Scattershot’.” Applejack remarked raising an eyebrow.

Oh c’mon, Honesty, give me one half truth! “What can I say? The folks had a sense of humor.” That obviously didn’t assuage the cowpony’s concerns, as her mistrustful look lingered. “Hey, what do yah want from me? Should I shoot an apple off somepony’s head? Or maybe we should just wait till Nightmare Night and I’ll kick everypony’s flank at the spider tossing game!”

Fortunately for him the mention of a holiday immediately caught Pinkie’s attention, who had otherwise spent the trip bouncing merrily and humming something sounding vaguely Russian. “I LOVE Nightmare Night! Last year we got a visit from Princess Luna and we all acted like she was still Nightmare Moon and ran screaming and it was so much FUN!” Pinkie put a hoof to her chin. “Well, fun for everypony except Luna, she thought we were all actually scared! But then I told her we were just doing it for fun and then she joined in and-!”

“The fun was doubled?” Scattershot provided.

“Yeah!”

Pinkie’s exposition had distracted the others long enough for the group to reach Sugarcube Corner, deflecting any further questions. The entire bakery was dark, not a sound coming from inside. This immediately set Scattershot on edge, nothing Pinkie did started out this quiet. He pushed open the door with his front hoof and peered into the darkness. Despite the fact that he had been expecting something like it, when the lights blazed to life and a chorus of voices boomed “WELCOME!” Scattershot still stumbled back in shock. “I should have seen that coming…” he said in a small voice.

The surprise had been so loud it carried all the way to the forest and to Mobius. He looked up in the direction of the noise and surmised what must have happened. “Glad I came out here, though Sam probably had a heart attack.” Grinning at the idea, he turned to see a pair of red eyes glaring out of a bush at him. “I hate everything…” He growled before flapping above the underbrush and continuing on in the air. He looked back toward the bush with eyes and chuckled, languishing in his superiority. He looked back where he was going just in time to duck a branch. “EVERYTHING!”

Scattershot was amazed that the walls of Sugarcube Corner weren’t collapsing under the force of the party. Pounding music, and the hooves dancing to it, created a rumble that could be mistaken for an earthquake. “I’m baffled at how Pinkie isn’t permanently assaulted with noise complaints!” He yelled over the din.

“Trust me, ponies have tried.” Twilight yelled back. “But somehow they always fall through.”

“The law enforcement must be deaf.”

“So do you know everypony here as well?”

He shook his head. “My in-depth knowledge is limited to you six and a few select others. I know some of the faces but that’s about it.” He gave a wry smile. “And most of what I DO know about the other residents of the town is conjecture; I don’t want to insult somepony by accident!” He noted Twilight’s surprised expression. “What? Did you think I was omniscient?”

“From what I’ve heard you’ve been acting like it.” Rarity said, somehow managing to still sound dainty and be heard all at once.

“Despite my vast and incredible insight, there are still mysteries that elude me. Like her.” He said, pointing at Pinkie as she swallowed and entire cake in one bite.

“Pinkie is a mystery that nopony can explain.” Dash said, shaking her head.

“I’ll check the Necronomicon later, she must have whole chapters dedicated to her.”

Nopony bothered to ask what a Necro-whatsit was. The group dispersed into the party to go mingle with the others. Twilight made sure to keep an eye on Scattershot, but the green pegasus seemed to be behaving just fine, at least none of the other party guests seemed bothered by him. Despite how well everything was going, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something horrible was about to happen. She looked carefully about the room, scanning each surface for any potential disasters. Just as she was about to dismiss her fears as posttraumatic stress after the day she had, she spotted them. Her anxieties had been correct, something terrible was about to happen.

Three small fillies, one of each of the three kinds of ponies, where making their way towards Scattershot. Twilight felt as if her stomach was falling down a pit, Spike would have been bad enough but the Cutie Marks Crusaders could NOT be allowed near this strange stallion! Her mind racing, Twilight formulated a plan. She couldn’t stop the three on her own, but she did know three ponies who could! She looked about rapidly and was dismayed when she saw that Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity where all at separate ends of the party! She had exhausted most of her energy for teleporting earlier and she couldn’t shout over the crowd for risk of alerting the CMCs that she was coming to stop them. Weaving and bobbing through the crowd Twilight could only hope that she got the others in time.

Mobius gazed down at the canopy below him. He had found a tree that towered over the others and decided to rest there. “Hopefully nothing can kill me up here.” He looked around, having become painfully aware of the forest’s sense of irony. “Still, better than that thing’s party.” He growled, glaring at the beacon of light and sound that the bakery had become. His attention was pulled back to the forest by the sound of rustling foliage. Off in the distance a large mutated form flapped above the tree line and roared before diving back down. “Maybe I should just find a cloud…”

Twilight was running out of time and she knew it. The three fillies could move much faster through the crowd thanks to their small sizes and she could never reach Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Applejack before disaster struck. That is, unless she took some more extreme measures. She forced herself near Rainbow Dash and blurted out “We have a problem.”

Dash’s first instinct was to check Scattershot, who was currently engaged in conversation with a gray-coated pegasus mare and seemed unreasonably happy about it. “What sort of problem?”

“The Cutie Mark Crusaders, they are going to meet Scattershot!”

In what was quickly becoming a common occurrence, Dash’s eyes widened to the point of nearly popping out. “Oh nononono that’s not good.” Panicked visions of what chaos those three could cause taking the strange new pony on one of their “crusades” played through Dash’s mind.

“I’m going to try and delay them, you get Rarity and Applejack. Only you three can stop them.” Dash wasted no time. Twilight had hardly finished speaking before a rainbow colored blur began to cut through the crowd towards Rarity.

Scattershot, oblivious to the consternation surrounding him, was happily continuing his conversation with a particular wall-eyed pegasus. “You have both confirmed and debunked so much at once.” He said, his expression so happy it was practically glowing.

“I’m…sorry?” She said, not sure if her apology was needed. Scattershot had introduced himself with vigor and had been talking almost nonstop for several minutes, pausing only when he asked a question and was awaiting an answer. His tendency to talk extremely quickly wasn’t helping the confusion much either.

“Oh no need to apologize! I realize I’m being a bit baffling but believe me when I say that the information you have given me will make thousands of people very happy.” His grin, which was already beginning to defy reason, only grew more.

It was at that moment that Twilight Sparkle stumbled from the crowd. Her mane was starting to fizz and her eyes looked slightly manic, signs that Scattershot recognized and was not happy to see. “Scattershot! Just the pony I was looking for!” She said, grabbing his wing with her magic and yanking him along.

“Ack! I’m being ponynapped!” He waved a hasty goodbye to his conversational partner as he did his best to keep up with his captor. “Is something wrong Twilight?” He asked hesitantly.

She turned to him, her left eye twitching. “Oh nothing, just…” Her expression visibly blanked as she came up with an excuse. “Somepony else wants to meet you! You are the life of the party after all!”

While Scattershot cowered in fear of Psycho-Twi, Rainbow Dash had rallied AJ and Rarity. The three began to hunt down the Crusader’s each determined to keep the fillies as far away from Scattershot and his antics as possible. The CMCs themselves, unaware of their status as prey, continued to chase after the new pony; their hyperactive natures telling them to extract every bit of information out of the stranger that they could in hopes that it would help them get their Cutie Marks. “Whadayall think a question-askin’ Cutie Mark would look like?” Applebloom asked her friends.

“What do you mean?” Scootaloo asked, peering around one of the guests and spotting Scattershot. “This way!”

The three took off as fast as their tiny legs could carry them. “I mean what if we’re SO GOOD as askin’ questions and getting’ answers that we get our Cutie Marks?!”

“We already tried that, remember?” Sweetie Belle said. “When we were reporters?”

“Dang it!” Applebloom exclaimed, stomping her hoof. “Well maybe whatever we can get that feller to say can help.”

“Isn’t he supposed to be from another country? Maybe ponies from outside Equestria get their Cutie Marks in different ways.”

Applebloom’s eyes lit up as an idea came to her. “Yeah! And when we learn how they get their Cutie Marks, we can try what they do to get ours!”

“Great idea!” Scootaloo said, before groaning as she lost sight of her quarry. Not for the first time she lamented not being able to fly yet, it would have made finding their target much easier. “Now all we gotta do is find him…”

But Scattershot was nowhere to be found, due to the continued intervention of Twilight. While she had stopped dragging him, her twitchy behavior and constant looking around made him continue to follow more out of fear than anything else. Now I understand Jake’s fear of Pinkie.

Twilight was beginning to lose her mind. She couldn’t see the CMCs constantly, but when she did her heart leapt into her throat and she rapidly changed direction. Her desperate antics, while certainly keeping the Crusader’s off their trail, was also making it difficult for Dash, AJ, and Rarity to find the fillies and stop them. As the older ponies grew more frantic and the CMCs more determined the three groups increased their speed. As the chase intensified they were no longer able to cut through the crowd without knocking several ponies around. Not only was this rude, but the ensuing chaos left a clear trail for the Crusaders to follow.

“Why does he keep moving?” Sweetie Belle groaned, her exasperation growing with every turn Scootaloo made.

“Why do we keep moving?” Scattershot asked Twilight after apologizing to yet another jostled guest.

“Where in the hay are they?!” Applejack barked, having long since given up any attempts at accommodating the other guests and began bulldozing her way through the crowd.

”Twilight! What in the name of the gods are we- SHIT!” Scattershot’s attempt at getting an answer from Twilight was cut short as he tripped over something small.

Several moments earlier, Scootaloo had led the Crusaders into a position where they could intercept Scattershot. Sure of her victory the small pegasus had charged forward, determined to stop the stallion. However she had aimed poorly and instead of appearing in Scattershot’s line of sight she ended up UNDER his hooves, tripping him.

Scattershot fell forward, bowling right into Twilight. The manic mare overbalanced and pitched forward, right into a concession stand. The impact knocked a punch bowl off of its perch and for the second time that day Twilight Sparkle was soaked to the bone.

The resulting tumult caused the party to come to a screeching halt as everypony stared at the mess. The once raucous room became deathly quiet as Scattershot groaned and lifted himself off the floor. “What the hell just happened…?”

Scootaloo was lucky that the stallion hadn’t squished her in his fall. She made it out with a minor soreness in her side from where Scattershot’s front hoof had struck her. Twilight wasn’t as lucky. Her horn had punched through the bowl without shattering it, causing the dish to become affixed to her head like an over-sized helmet. The fact that she was dripping with punch only compounded how silly she looked.

“Well we found them.” Rainbow Dash sighed, flapping over to Scootaloo. “You okay, Squirt?”

“I think so…” She said, too disoriented by what happened to fawn over Dash.

“C’mon, let’s get you home.” Dash used a wing to help the filly up and guide her to the door.

“You too missy.” Applejack said, towering over her sister. “You are in a whole messa trouble sneakin’ out in the middle of th’ night.”

“I agree with Applejack.” Rarity added. “You three have caused quite enough of a stir for one night.”

As the three elder ponies lead their younger counterparts out, Scattershot pulled the bowl off of Twilight’s head. “I agree with Rainbow Dash, home seems like a brilliant idea.” He paused for a moment, pondering the bowl held impossibly in his hooves. “Do I even have a ‘home’ here yet? Celestia said she would take care of that.”

Twilight picked herself up, looking around at the other guests. She was mortified about what happened, but fortunately for her Pinkie had taken the hint that the party was over and was cheerfully showing everypony the door. She took several deep breaths before turning to Scattershot. “Don’t tell Mobius about this…”

“Your secret is safe with me. Though I would like to cover my bases and say that while my lips are sealed I cannot speak for others.”

“Fair enough.” She used what little magic she had left to ring some of the punch out of her mane. “You can stay at the library, there’s a guest room you can use. I’ll have Dash help you two make cloud houses tomorrow.”

“You seem remarkably calm.”

“When I woke up this morning, the biggest concern I had was if I could get in all the studying I wanted to before lunch.” Her eyes where unfocused as she recounted the tale, her body and mind too exhausted to do much else. “I was just finishing up a book and going for another when Rainbow Dash knocked on my door.” She sat back down heavily. “Since then my day has been a hurricane of unforeseeable events. I was summoned to Canterlot, saw my mentor get mercilessly tormented, set myself on fire out of anger, got soaked with water, subjected the most frail pony I know to the chaos that found me, went to a Pinkie Pie Party, nearly went insane with worry and now I’m soaked in punch. All because you and your friend showed up at my door.” Her tone wasn’t accusatory or angry, just tired. “I’ve had enough for one day, I want to go home…” She slumped down, too worn out to even move.

“Home it is.” Scattershot, in what was quickly becoming a theme, lifted the immobile pony onto his back. After given an enthusiastic good-bye to Pinkie he set out for the library.