Applejack Buys a Flathead Screwdriver
“Damn it, Bloomy!” Applejack exclaimed, resting her hoof against her head in consternation.
“I’m awful sorry, big sis, I only wanted to help the farm...” Apple Bloom whimpered. She had just snapped Sweet Apple Acre’s third and final flathead screwdriver while attempting to tighten a loose screw on the back of an apple cart. She had fallen face-first into the cart when the screwdriver gave out, leaving her with a nasty-looking black eye.
Applejack shook her head. “Ah, told ya, ya can’t screw in a screw by pressin’ real hard at a right angle.”
Applebloom walked away in a pout, rubbing her inflamed eye and muttering: “Miss Cheerilee made learnin’ angles too hard. It’s called a ‘right’ angle, and I wanted to do the job right...”
Turning to the loose-screwed cart, Applejack sighed. She’d have to go into town again to get a new set of screwdrivers, and a tap and die to make some new screws.
“Hey, Apple Bloom, you get back here, now!” Applejack yelled. “If I have’ta go take care of yer mess, you’re comin’ with me.” Apple Bloom grumbled and returned to her sister’s side.
And so, the orange cream horizon sunset tangerine caramel carrot satsuma cheezit-colored ponies set off for Ponyville for the second time that day.
The town of Ponyville was bustling that Sunday afternoon; many of the ponies had been roused to action by Mr. Waddle’s sermon that morning on the merits of selling all of your expensive pipes in order to buy the equivalent in corn-cob pipes, which leaves one with about ten-fold as many pipes as before.
As Applejack and Apple Bloom made their way down mane street, they ran into Twilight Sparkle as she exited the Fawn Shop. She was levitating dozens of corn-cob pipes above her head.
“Well hi there, Twilight, I didn’t figure you for the alicorn-fearin’ type,” Applejack said, putting her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.
Twilight giggled. “Oh, AJ, everypony knows I’m the Dana Scully of the show. What brings you into town?”
Sensing the impending harangue, Apple Bloom hid behind her sister.
“Well,” Applejack began, “SOME-pony screws like an amateur and broke mah last flathead!” she gestured at the embarrassed little filly next to her.
“Stupid angles!” Apple Bloom whined.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “So you’re going to the hardware store, I suppose?” she asked.
“Yep,” said Applejack.
Twilight examined her hoof. “I have to swing by the pharmacy next door to the hardware store. My horseshoe binding has become ‘not so fresh,’ and I need some ointment. You know what I mean, right Applejack?”
Applejack stared blankly at Twilight. “No, and I don’t reckon I know anypony who does,” she stated.
Twilight continued: “Well, uh, why don’t I accompany you guys?” she stuttered, hiding her front hoof.
“Fine by me,” said Applejack, “and this one won’t be havin’ any problems with it.” she nudged Apple Bloom authoritatively.
As the three ponies made their way to the hardware store, they neglected to notice the eavesdroppers who had been listening in on their conversation from inside the Fawn Shop.
“Did you see Apple Bloom’s black eye?” Lyra whispered from behind her magazine.
Bon-Bon shivered. “Yeah, and Applejack said something about her ‘screwing like an amateur’...”
“AND they’re hanging out with Twilight Sparkle,” replied Lyra. “But all those signs aside, do you really think that Applejack is the kind of mare who would abuse her own sister?”
A determined look appeared on Bon-Bon’s face.
“As good citizens of Equestria, we have to follow them and find out.”
The labyrinthine halls and incomprehensible isle numbering system of Ponyville’s Stall Depot hardware store had begun to take its toll on Applejack, Twilight and Apple Bloom. It felt like they had been searching for the screw and nail section for hours, and the store seemed abandoned by all the customer service ponies. Finally, Applejack shouted in frustration:
“Can I get some got-dang service in this dump?”
Her voice echoed throughout the store into silence. Right before assuming her cry had been in vain, the three ponies heard a faint flapping of wings somewhere in the distant isles. It grew louder and louder, until around a corner flew a bubbly grey mare in a tacky orange vest.
“Hey-dee, welcome to Stall Depot, where the price is always charged,” she exclaimed enthusiastically at the trio.
Twilight sighed. “Hey, Derpy, what happened to your job with the mail service?”
Derpy frowned. “My job was outsourced to the southern dragon kingdom. I guess they can transport mail with their fire breath a lot faster than we pegasi can.”
“Oh, that’s awful... I hope you don’t take it out on Spike the next time you see him,” Twilight joked, attempting to lighten the mood.
Derpy smiled. “Oh no, Twilight, it’s not Spike’s fault. Race-traitors like you who employ the dragons are to blame---”
“---This may be one of my favorite subjects, Derpy, but raht now I need to find the screw and nail section,” Applejack interjected.
A tumbleweed could be seen, and heard, as it crossed an isle in the distance.
“The screw and nail section,” Derpy repeated back at Applejack.
Apple Bloom piped up: “You know, Miss Derpy, where we can get screws and nails and screwdrivers?”
Derpy smiled. “What are you making, guys?” she asked, leaning against a stack of belt sanders.
Applejack adjusted her hat. “I’m not making anythin’, darlin’, I need a new screwdriver and a tap and die,” she declared.
Derpy put her hoof to her chin in befuddlement. “So what is it you’re trying to do?”
“It don’t matter what I’m tryin’ to do, I want a flathead screwdriver and a tap and die,” Applejack growled, her voice beginning to rise.
“Okay,” Derpy sat down, deep in thought. “So you want something that taps and something that dies, and you want a driver with a flat head.” She stared at Applejack.
“I’VE HAD IT WITH THIS PLACE!” Applejack shouted, trotting right up to Derpy, gesticulating wildly with her hooves.
Twlight leaped to Derpy’s defense, blocking Applejack’s path. “Now Applejack,” she reasoned, “there’s no need for confrontation. Remember my 71st report to Princess---”
Applejack shoved Twilight aside and poked Derpy in the chest with her hoof. “What kind of store is this?” she bellowed, “ I want a flathead screwdriver and a damn tap and die! Now WHERE IN THE HAY DO I GO?”
“Isle 7, in-between Isle 15 and the paint isle,” Derpy answered, a grin still plastered on her face.
Applejack blinked twice.
“Which direction?”
Behind the artisan sandpaper section, Lyra and Bon-Bon had been clandestinely observing Applejack and her friends.
“Wow-ee,” Bon-Bon scrunched up her face in disgust, “she almost beat Derpy to a pulp!”
Lyra squinted. “I dunno, Bon-Bon, maybe she’s just having a bad day.”
Just then, the two girls heard an enraged shout a few isles over: “Taproot removal? Derpy, that has NOTHIN’ to do with a tap and die!”
“I know you always want to see the best in ponies, Lyra, but it’s a harsh world out there,” Bon-Bon made a dramatic sweeping gesture with her hoof, wearing a giant foam finger she had opportunely snagged from a giant foam finger display. “We have to report this to the town’s Herd Services department, just in case.”
“Okay...” Lyra reluctantly agreed.
Bon-Bon puffed up her chest. “You go on ahead to Herd Services. I’ll keep an eye on those three. Rendezvous at Sugar Cube Corner, 5:00 PM happy hour.”
“Got it! Bye Bon-Bon!”
When her friend was out of sight, Bon-Bon grabbed another foam finger off of the display rack.
“Save Apple Bloom? Check. Birthday present for Lyra? Check.”
Applejack Buys a Flathead Screwdriver
After much travail, Applejack and Apple Bloom finally tracked down some flathead screwdrivers and a tap and die. They’d returned to Sweet Apple Acres, and Twilight had parted with them to visit the pharmacy in order to deal with her unusual equine issue.
When the two sisters arrived at the barn to resume repairing the apple carts, they were met by a strange sight.
Fluttershy was seated in an extremely out-of-place office chair beside the apple carts, flanked by two royal guards. She had a strange-looking badge hastily taped to her chest.
“Hi, Applejack,” Fluttershy waved gently.
“Fluttershah...” Applejack warily waved back.
“Um, Apple Bloom, why don’t you go find your brother in the fields and keep him company for a while,” Fluttershy encouraged.
“Okay Miss Fluttershah,” Apple Bloom said, tilting her head in confusion before running off toward the fields.
Fluttershy turned toward Applejack. “Applejack, if it’s okay with you, please take a seat.” the royal guards produced another office chair and set it across from Fluttershy.
“Alrighty,” Applejack assented, mounting the chair awkwardly.
“Oh, good, now, let’s begin.” Fluttershy pulled a quill and clip-board out of her hide pocket, and gave Applejack a wide-eyed stare.
“Now, uh, Applejack, how’s Apple Bloom?” she asked.
“What now?” Applejack started.
Fluttershy maintained the same passive, soul-searching stare. “How’s your sister doing, Applejack?”
The farmer southern stetson-wearing stetsony stetson earth pony girl mare filly glared at Fluttershy. “You just saw her, honey, what’re ya askin’ me for?”
Fluttershy rotated her office chair, assuming a bemused expression. “Oh, Applejack. You know we all love you...”
Applejack smacked her hoof to her face. “Who’s we? It’s just you and I here! Do them guards love me too?”
Fluttershy grimaced. “Applejack, dear, watch your temper. Now, I noticed Apple Bloom had an, um, black eye..”
Everything suddenly clicked.
“Now wait a griffon-spoonin’ minute here, Fluttershah! I ain’t never harmed mah kin!” Applejack yelled, lifting herself up from her chair emphatically.
“Code Pink! Code Pink!” Fluttershy squealed, hiding behind her fore-hooves. “She’s out of control! It’s all true!”
“Deploying less-than-lethal package!” shouted one of the royal guards. He began inflating a large, red rubber ball.
Applejack hopped over to Fluttershy, grabbing her by the shoulders. “Sugarcube, ya know I ain’t the type to raise a hand to a foal. Ain’t we been friends for ages?”
Fluttershy kept her eyes closed, trembling in fear.
Applejack was about to shake some sense into Fluttershy when the red ball struck her square in the jaw.
“What in tarnation!” she spat as she got immediately back on her feet. The royal guards were watching patiently.
“Now what’s this f...” Applejack’s rant broke off as she stared at the big red ball. She tentatively struck it with a hoof, then struck it again, and again, and again, and began chuckling uncontrollably. Her eyes glazed over, and she leaped at the ball, falling straight over it onto her back. She rolled around on the ground, nuzzling the ball with her head.
“Another success,”(1) the guards concluded. The two of them had an easy time placing a restraining saddle, blinders and a steel bit on poor Applejack. Fluttershy looked on, her eyes downcast in professional pity.
“Poor, ‘troubled’ Applejack, if only we’d gotten here sooner.”
Lyra and Bon-Bon were knocking back celebratory shots of ginger ale at Sugar Cube Corner when Twilight Sparkle joined them at the bar.
The two friends gasped when they saw the star-flanked broad sit down beside them. “Twilight Sparkle!” Lyra whispered, “are you okay? She didn’t beat you too, did she?”
“Who, Pinkie Pie?” a baffled Twilight asked in return.
“No, Applejack! We saw what she did to Apple Bloom,” Bon-Bon whispered, smacking one hoof into another to drive home her point.
Twilight’s eyes brightened in understanding. “Oooh, girls, Applejack didn’t hit Apple Bloom, that was a screw-driving accident.”
Lyra started to panic. “Bon-Bon, I think we messed up, I think we messed up bad...”
Bon-Bon bit her lip. “But what about how she exploded at Derpy? What about ‘screwing like an amateur’?”
“Derpy was being extremely unhelpful, Bon-Bon, and the screwing comment was---” Twilight stopped and glared at her. “Were you SPYING on us?”
“Tactical listening,” Bon-Bon said sheepishly.
Twilight glared at her, before turning to address Lyra. “Lyra, sweetie, don’t let Bon-Bon drag you into her paranoid escapades so easily.”
Lyra hung her head. “You’re right, Twilight.”
“Hey!” interrupted Bon-Bon.
“Well, I’m glad this misunderstanding is behind everypony now,” Twilight finished, hoping to finally order a slice of banana cream pie.
“Well, uh, Twilight...” Lyra began, “it may be a little more complicated than that...”
“Fluttershah?”
“Um, yes?”
“I’m gonna git you fer this.”
“Oh... okay.”
Applejack was restrained in the back of the Herd Services pacification carriage, guards on either side of her. Fluttershy sat in the front passenger’s seat.
As she rested there, helpless to interfere with her fate, Applejack reflected on her years of hard work raising little Apple Bloom as if she were a daughter. All those years, seemingly wasted because of a simple misunderstanding.
“What’s gonna happen to Apple Bloom?” Applejack asked quietly.
She could hear Fluttershy turning around to speak. “Well, once your big brother and grandmother have been checked out, she’ll stay with them.”
Applejack paused. “And me? Where’s this thing takin’ me?”
Fluttershy was more comfortable with this question. “Well, we’re taking you to a nice, friendly processing facility, and then you’ll go to court in Canterlot.”
“And if I’m found guilty?” Applejack pressed.
“My goodness, uh...” Fluttershy began.
“Well, actually, you’ll be sent to the Dragon Petting Zoo.”
Applejack recoiled in horror, despite her restraints. “No, Fluttershah, anythin’ but that!”
“Oh, Applejack, don’t worry, the dragons are instructed to file their claws before visiting the zoo nowadays. It’s not like in the petting zoo movies. They don’t even use asbestos feeding pellets anymore.”
Applejack began to sob uncontrollably, chewing desperately at her steel bit.
All of a sudden, the carriage began to rock back and forth as if shaken by a gargantuan hand...er... hoof. Applejack felt her stomach churn as the carriage was pulled quickly down toward the earth.
She heard the carriage door open and slam shut, and could make out the sound of an animated conversation going on outside between Fluttershy and some other ponies. Within moments, the door was opened, an “oh dear” was heard from Fluttershy, and Applejack felt herself being hastily removed from the carriage by the guards.
Moments later, her blinders were removed, and she could see Fluttershy, Twilight, Bon-Bon and Lyra all looking at her with relieved expressions.
Dear Princess Celestia (pbuh),
Golly-gee! My friend Lyra and I sure learned a swell lesson about friendship today.
It turns out that you shouldn’t eavesdrop on somepony, stalk somepony, or draw wild conclusions about somepony based on snippets of conversation. Who knew, right?
Anyhow, we’ve been asked by Fluttershy from Herd Services to run the Ponyville Dragon Petting Zoo for the week to make sure that we learned from our mistakes. I confess that it’s not too much of a bother, as so far we’ve only had one customer. I do find it strange that he asks Lyra to wear a purple wig and cover herself with powdered sugar during his visits, but hey: Everypony, and, I suppose, everydragon, has their quirks.
Look at that, cranking out even more lessons as I go! Twilight doesn't have anything on me.
;)
Your slave,
Bon-Bon
