Chapter Two: The Sh*t Is Spraying All Over The Place
Chapter Two: The Sh*t Is Spraying All Over The Place
Sombra ran straight to the kitchen, where Spike was, and snatched Spike's bowl of gems.
"Hey, those are mine!"
"They're mine now, asshole."
"What?! Ugh!"
"Nicsh pink apron by tha way," he said eating his gems, laughing, and then choking.
"Hey, Discord," Queen Chrysalis said grinning.
"What?"
"I bet you can't make Twilight so ticked off, that she's screaming."
"How much are we betting here?"
"Twenty-five bits."
"It's on, motherbucker."
"I just made twenty-five bits."
"You're about to be twenty-five bits in debt, bitch." Discord snaps his fingers, and in his hands are Twilight's diary. "Oh, Twilight~" He sings.
"What?!" She says from the other room.
"Dear Diary,
Today, Princess Celestia assigned me to go to this strange town called-" Next thing he knows, he falls to the floor, as Twilight tackles him.
"You should be a lineman!"
"Give. It." She said, through gritted teeth.
"Make me," He challenges, grinning like an idiot.
"Discor-" Before Twilight could finish, Discord started to kiss her; wrapping his long tongue around hers. Twilight grew extremely red, pulled back, and screamed, grabbing her diary, and running upstairs to scream in her pillow.
"And then," Queen Chrysalis paused, standing at the doorframe between the library and kitchen," They kissed."
"I win the bet, give me my money."
"Fuck you, I was bluffing!"
"What?!?!"
"I never knew you had the hots for Twilight, Discord," Sombra said laughing.
"N-no, it's not like that!" Discord felt himself turning red, and he hated himself for doing so.
"What is hot now?" Spike said, gently pushing his way through Sombra and Chrysalis.
"Discord has the hots for Twilight~" Chrysalis sang.
"No, I don't!"
"What do you mean? Why is Discord so nervous? Why is he blushing? And why is he-" Spike stopped himself as he connected the dots. Spike made a very smug face, with his eyes narrowed, a big grin on his face, and his two fangs biting his bottom lip.
"No-no it's not what you think!"
Spike gives him the same look and puts his hands on his hips.
"Th-this is a big misunderstanding, you've got to believe me, I-" He paused as Spike wasn't buying it. He got mad," Listen here, I am telling you, you better listen to me, Spike!" He angrily jumped up and down.
"You like Twilight, don't you Discord?"
Discord twitched at the tension around him. He ran downstairs to the basement and started to scream just enough so that only Spike, Sombra, and Chrysalis could hear.
"YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ADMIT IT, SPIKE!!!! I LOVE TWILIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Twilight walked downstairs with a messy mane and a slightly less angry look on her face, but she still looked slightly annoyed.
"I think I heard screaming."
"It was nothing," King Sombra said quickly. Even though he liked to mess around with Discord, Discord was still his friend, and the worst thing a friend could do is tell your friend's crush that they like them. One can only tell the friend's crush that they like them if the friend asks so. He read that in a book about friendship once.
So, Discord liked Twilight. That really wasn't a surprise. Even though he wasn't there, Rarity talked gossip about how Discord was always creepily touching her, and that was enough for Spike to come to the conclusion that he liked her; especially since he was the most interested in her anyway. It actually surprised him that Twilight didn't even notice this.
"I think we should all get a chance to get to know each other a little better," Twilight said smiling.
"Um...sure?"
"Where's Discord?"
"Downstairs," Sombra answered.
"Why?"
"Fuck if I know," He said chuckling.
Discord came upstairs with a look on his face that you have when you wake up from a really weird dream; like seeing an Asian kid being raped by an Asian dude who is enjoying it thoroughly. Basically, eyes narrowed, frowning, and slightly confused.
"Sit down," Twilight said. They were sitting in a circle.
"Are we performing a satanic ritual?"
"Sit. Down."
" ...'Kay."
"Who wants to go first?"
"I guess I will," King Sombra said.
"You know what happened a long time ago?"
"What?"
" My mom gave me permission to cuss one time. One time she gave me permission to cuss. I was in school, I was being bad, my teacher got mad, said, "Sombra, come here." She wrote a note, stuck it to my chest. Said, "Make sure your mother reads the note. I get home, my mom reads the note. The note said, Maybe if you showed your son some more attention at home, he wouldn't act like a fool at school. My mom read the note, she said, "Let me tell you something."
"What'd she say?"
"She said, "You tell her mind her damn business before I come down there, and I beat her ass."
"Whoa. What happened afterwards?"
"I said, "Okay, do you want me to say it like that or do you want me-do you want me to take some stuff out?" "WHAT'D I SAY?! TELL HER TO MIND HER DAMN BUSINESS BEFORE I COME DOWN THERE, AND I BEAT HER ASS." I said," No, I heard what you said, I just wanted to make sure that you know that you're telling me to say the same thing." "Sombra, if I tell you again, I'm going to smack the shit out of you." "Okay, nah I got it, okay, I got it." Keep in mind , it's a lot of pressure. My mom just gave me permission to go to school and cuss my teacher out; I didn't feel comfortable with the situation. So, I wanted to practice, I went outside, looked in a pond, and wanted to go over my lines. So, I'm by the pond, I'm going over my lines, and I'm like, "Okay, My mom told me to tell you, to mind your DAMN- Nah, that's too loud, that's way too loud. That's not believable, it's too loud."
"So this seriously happened?"
"Yes, now let me get to the good parts. So, the next day, I get ready and start walking to school with my friends. They get hyped, "Oohhh Sombra's in the house! Everyone look, Sombra's here! What's up, Som?" I was like, "Yo, not today, guys, I got a lot of stuff on my mind, I can't really have you guys throwing me off. I can't really get into it, but stuff is about to go down." He's like, "What?" I'm like, "Look, a lot of stuff is about to go down, just be behind me when I walk to class." He's like, "alright, cool." I walk in class, Ms. Green, my teacher, she starts speaking to everybody, "Hello. Good morning. Good morning. Hello. Hello. Good morning." She sees me, " Sombra." I'm like, "Ms. Green."
They start laughing at the attitude in Sombra's voice.
"She said, "Did you show her the note?" "Yes, I did." She said, "Well what did your mother say?" I took a deep breath, I looked at my friends, I was like, it's about to go down. I said "well, uh, my mom told me to tell you, to mind your DAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BUSINESS, BITCH. LITTLE STUPID BITCH. LITTLE DUMB TEACHER BITCH. 2+2 NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK IT IS BITCH. CROSS-EYED CRYING DOWN YOUR BACK FAT FOOT ASS BITCH. LONG TITTY NO NIPPLE HAVING ASS BITCH" The shit was crazy; my friends were in the back, they were like, "OOOHHHH HE SAID SHE DON'T HAVE NO NIPPLES" I got suspended...And an ass-whopping, my mom beat the shit out of me when I got home. She said "I told you to say two cuss words! You said seventy-six of them!" I thought I was Samuel L. Jackson, "I'm sick and tired of these motherfucking teachers in this motherfucking school."
"What a story," Discord said laughing, "I still remember when you did that."
"I remember one really messed up moment in high school," Queen Chrysalis said.
"What was it?" Twilight asked.
"Well, I had this friend. And he told me that he had a crush on somepony, right? It was kind of cute until," She started laughing," He thought it would be a good idea to flash his junk to her face."
King Sombra and Discord start laughing super hard, "I remember that!" Sombra said.
"Details, please!" Twilight said, grinning.
"Okay, okay. So, there I was, sitting in math class, right?"
"Right."
"Well, he sat next to his crush. He just took one look at her, one look, and got this huge boner."
"Eww!"
Queen Chrysalis was laughing, "And if that wasn't bad enough, he shoved it in her face in the middle of class in front of everypony!"
"Why?!"
"I dunno! But then some clear stuff squirted out of it and was all over her face!"
"Eww!"
"She screamed, and so did the teacher when she saw it. He was sent to the principal's office with his junk wobbling all over the place, and afterwards he asked me why he got in trouble."
Discord and Sombra couldn't breathe from so much laughter.
"Okay, okay," Twilight said, giggling, "lemme tell you guys the story about how my dad walked in on Shining Armor."
Discord, Sombra, and Chrysalis all shut up and looked intently at Twilight.
"Okay, so I was in my room playing with my toys-"
"If you know what I mean," Discord said in a perverted voice. Sombra and Chrysalis started to laugh. Twilight face-hoofed.
"That's not what I meant."
Discord finished laughing," Okay, okay continue."
"So out of nowhere, I hear "OH BABY" really really loud, it scared me. I run into Shining's room and I see him on the floor, trying to fix his broken chair, his headphones on the floor, and a very inappropriate video still on the computer."
The house roared with laughter; it was common nowadays.
"And my dad walked in and then-"
"Twilight? What in Equestria are you doing?"
Twilight turned around to see her five friends standing at her doorway with angered or confused looks on their face.
"Oh, hello, everypony." Twilight awkwardly said.
"Why is Discord, Queen Chrysalis, and King Sombra in your house?" Rainbow Dash asked, un-amused.
"More tea?" Spike asks, coming out of the kitchen, holding a tray with teacups and a teapot with one hand. He then awkwardly frowns as everyone gives him a strange look. "Maybe later," he mumbles, walking away.
"You guys missed a lot," King Sombra said.
"Like Twilight's first kiss," Queen Chrysalis was trying her hardest not to laugh out loud.
Twilight chokes on her tea.
"I don't want to talk about it," She says angrily.
"I actually think that would make an interesting story," Rarity said, pondering.
"You don't want to know."
"You're right; I don't," Applejack said in a disgusted voice.
"You guys were kind of interrupting her story," Queen Chrysalis said.
"Oh yeah! So, my dad walked in on Shining Armor, and there I was, screaming, and you know what my dad said?"
"What?"
"That's my boy."
Discord, Queen Chrysalis, and King Sombra nearly spilt their sides as they guffawed at such a story.
"That is something he would say," Discord said between laughter.
"I am very confused at this strange sight," Pinkie said, and when Pinkie Pie is questioning logic, something is wrong.
"You don't want to know the story," King Sombra said, laughing.
"You're right; I don't," Applejack said in a disgusted voice.
"Twilight, are you feeling okay?"
"I'm fine, why?"
"Do you see nothing wrong with this?! " Rarity said face-hoofing.
"Well there's not much I can do about it."
"What in Equestria are you talking about?!" Rainbow said angrily.
"Your precious Celestia made us live here," Discord butted in.
"...What?"
"Yup."
"...Why?"
"Beats me. You should have seen the phone call Shining had with his dad because he was so mad."
"THAT WASN'T FUNNY!!!! AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIRST KISS?!!?!" Shining called from behind Twilight's friends.
"Oh, shit," Sombra said quietly, "What do we do?"
"Fuck if I know! Run for it!"
"Good idea!"
Discord, Queen Chrysalis, and King Sombra got up, ran upstairs, jumped out of the window, and began to run away as fast as possible, screaming
"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!!!!!"
"So, was it Sombra or Discord?" Rarity asked flatly.
"What are you- Why would I tell you?!" Twilight defensively said, blushing.
"Oooooooh," Applejack said," Somethin' tells me that ya liked it."
"I did not like it! It came out of nowhere!"
"Okay, it was Discord if that's the case." Rainbow said.
"What?! Ugh!!!"
"I WILL MURDER HIM!!!!!!" Shining screeched.
"Ah, but Him isn't here right now," Discord said out of nowhere, which caused everyone to scream.
"YOU," Shining hissed.
"Strange, You isn't here either."
"I'm going to give you a ten second head start."
Discord screams as Shining Armor starts chasing him.
"You really shouldn't have been surprised, darling," Rarity says. Her friends nod their heads and say things like "Mhmm", "yeah", and "yup".
"Why?" Twilight asked.
"Even though I was under his influence, even I noticed he paid the most attention to you."
"Wh-what are you saying?"
"He obviously has some sort of creepy crush on you," Rainbow said.
"What?! You guys are crazy."
"Well how would you know, Twilight?"
"I know the answer," Spike said.
"Really?! Are we right?" Pinkie asked.
"Nope."
"What?!" Rarity said," So we're not?!"
"Nope."
"I'm confused," Fluttershy says.
"I am sworn to secrecy," Spike says grinning smugly. Everyone face-hoofs.
Queen Chrysalis put on goggles," Hey, Twilight, do you have a fan?"
"Yeah?"
"Where is it?"
"In the attic."
Queen Chrysalis rushes upstairs and comes downstairs with a fan.
"Why do you have a fan?"
Queen Chrysalis turned the fan on. She then chucked giant piece of shit on it, which caused the turd to explode all over the place, spraying on everypony. Everyone screamed as shit chunks hit their skin; Rarity ran out of there as soon as she saw the shit.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" King Sombra screamed.
"It was an experiment," she said.
"Why?"
"I need a more effective method." She grabs a bucket and fills it with poop.
"Why are you even doing this?!"
"Because watch." She floated above the door. Discord and Shining Armor busted in when Queen Chrysalis dumped the bucket on Shining Armor's head.
And that
is when
things get
even more
crazier.
Chapter One: Throwing Sh*t In The Fan
Chapter One: Throwing Sh*t In The Fan
Princess Luna stared at her sister in defeat, "Fine, Celestia. Do your plan. Just know that Shining Armor won't like this idea at all."
Celestia sighed, "Let's just get this over with."
"Fine," Luna said.
And with that, they both hesitantly walked to the Canterlot Gardens, both knowing the conflict that was going to be caused. They falteringly walked over to Discord's statue. They stared at each other and nodded their heads quickly, while their horns started to glow. Their harmonic magic blasted towards Discord's statue, causing it to violently and abruptly crack. And with that, the oh-so familiar draconequus broke out, still screaming.
"AHHHhhh wait...what? I'm free? I'm free!! Woohoo! Oh wait, you two are here, never mind."
"Discord, we broke you out of stone for a reason. Cause any chaos and you're going to get much worse than going back to stone."
Discord laughed at the sudden threat. "Oh yeah, you guys had that stupid plan that I have to live in Twilight's house or something, " Discord said, obviously un-amused.
"But we-how did you know that?" Luna asked, completely shocked by Discord's sudden knowledge of the situation. She shook her head, "Okay, whatever, we need to pick up a few other special ponies, so come on. We don't have all day." She was very impressed by so quickly learning modern English.
Discord rolled his eyes. "Whatever," He said trudging along with the princesses.
Princess Celestia teleported to the Arctic North, where King Sombra was banished to after Spike and Cadence saved the day.
"Why are we here?! It's so cold!" Discord said, complaining.
"To pick up another special pony," Celestia said, colder than the weather.
"Whatever," Discord said with the attitude of a teenage mare.
There King Sombra was, shivering in a cave; angrily plotting out his new evil plan. Discord was the first to enter.
"Oh. my. God." King Sombra said when he saw Discord.
"King Sombra?!" Discord said, " It's been a thousand years, man!"
"Holy fuck; yeah! " Sombra said in amazement. They bro-hoofed. Then Celestia and Luna walked in the cave and Sombra face-hoofed, "Ugh, you two."
"Well nice to see you too," Luna said, rolling her eyes.
"I still wonder why I had a crush on her," King Sombra said.
"What?!" Luna asked, snapping her head back.
King Sombra threw a Crush soda can on Luna.
Luna took a deep breath and continued walking.
Celestia glared at them," Are you done?"
"Yes."
She teleported them to the deserted desert by Appleloosa. There Queen Chrysalis was, gnawing on a force field that she was stuck in. Discord and Sombra sneered at the silly sight. Princess Celestia used magic to get rid of the force field that was restricting the changeling queen.
"I'M FREE!!!" She flew up and did a twirl in the air.
"No, you're not, get down here," Celestia said, angrily. Queen Chrysalis tediously flew down and landed next to the two princesses.
"We all will go to Canterlot. I expect you all to behave." Celestia calmly said.
"What are we, misbehaving kindergarteners?" Discord asked un-amused.
"What are you, a teenage mare going through a mid-life crisis?" Luna countered. Discord shut up. Celestia teleported them to her and Luna's throne. She began to write a letter to Twilight, while the three villains sat there and shut up. That was until Shining Armor said, "Permission to enter, princess?"
Celestia made the three troublemakers hide behind her throne before Shining Armor entered.
"First of all, I think that there may be a huge problem. You see-"
"Is something wrong?"
"...Is there a chicken behind your throne flicking me off?"
Celestia peeked behind her throne and saw Discord, King Sombra, and Queen Chrysalis giggling softly as Discord stuck out his middle finger. Celestia summoned a stone and smashed his hand with it. He made a high-pitched scream and quickly moved his hand away.
"You were saying?"
"As you know, I am in charge of checking on Discord, King Sombra, and Queen Chrysalis to make sure they're not doing any funny business."
"Right."
"They're not there anymore."
Celestia acted surprised and then sent her letter to Twilight.
___________________________________________________________________________________
At Twilight's.................
Twilight walked out of her hot, steamy shower and wrapped a towel around herself. She walked over to her vanity and started combing her mane.
Then, a letter popped out of nowhere, which was already unusual since Spike always weirdly burped them out.
She began to read the letter with an open mind.
Dearest Twilight Sparkle,
You will have to take care of King Sombra, Discord and Queen Chrysalis because
That was it. She scrawled down that much. Twilight will never understand why she will have to take care of those three. Apparently it's urgent. As she was trying to think about why she would be given such a task, she heard Spike's sudden screaming, which made her jump.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She ran down the stairs, as fast as she could, but in the end she ended up falling flat on her face. She heard Discord, King Sombra, and Queen Chrysalis laugh in the background. She slowly got up.
"WHAT DO WE DO?!!?!"
Twilight simply walked over to the door and opened it.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!"
They casually walk inside.
Sombra laughs, "You live in a library?"
"Yes," Twilight said flatly.
"I find it creepy that Discord knew where Twilight lived," Queen Chrysalis said.
Everyone gives Discord a strange look while he shrugs and says, "What?" Twilight was about to speak, when she was interrupted by a sudden magical blast. Shining Armor appears out of nowhere.
"NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!"
"What?"
"I AM NOT LETTING YOU LIVE WITH THOSE-THOSE SAVAGES!!!!!!!!!"
"Oh, man," Discord said sarcastically," We were planning a 4-way later."
"WHAT?!?!"
Discord bursts out laughing, "I don't know who this guy is, but he is entertaining!"
"I'll have you know," Shining said angrily," That I am Shining Armor, Twilight's older brother, Prince of the Crystal Empire, and Captain of the Royal Guard!"
Discord snorted, " You can't be, since you have enough time to complain to your little sister about who she's living with."
"Discord!"
"I am! I just happened to hear Celestia talk about her plans! And I am not letting them happen."
"Are you gonna call your mommy?" King Sombra said.
Shining Armor pulled out his smartphone.
"Siri, call Velvet Sparkle. Put it on speaker."
King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, and Discord burst out laughing.
"Hello?"
"Hello, dad? Where's mom?"
"She's at work. She left her phone at home. What do you need?"
"I need to tell you that Twilight is living with Discord, King Sombra, and Queen Chrysalis."
"Wait...What kind of name is Discharge?"
King Sombra, Discord, and Queen Chrysalis burst out laughing as hard as possible; in fact, Discord was rolling on the floor, pounding his lion paw on it, laughing hard.
"Dad. That's not funny. No pony is laughing. Stop being a nine year old," Shining said frowning.
"Obviously ponies are laughing. So, what's the big deal that Twilight's with Sombra, Chrysalis, and Discharge?"
"Discord, Dad. Discord. "
"I don't know who the fuck that is."
"You know, the one with the head of a horse-"
"His head looks more like a goat's if you ask me....OH THAT IS NASTY! How do even know that?! "
"Well I mean, Twily told me that he had the head of a-" Shining suddenly had a look of horror on his face as he made the sudden realization," DAD!!!!!!!"
Discord, Queen Chrysalis, and Sombra were all laughing extremely hard along with Twilight's dad. Twilight was extremely red and had a disgusted look on her face along with Shining Armor.
"Let's talk Chrysalis now. There is no way that she could handle such a large army. She's probably a prostitute."
More laughter roared through the house.
"And Sombra had slaves? I think he had slaves do more than labor. He had them do very painful labor. Well, for the poor mares, of course. I mean, he could be into stallions but-"
"DAD!!! YOU'RE TURNING THIS INTO A GRIMDARK FANFIC!!!!"
"What?"
"Nothing," Shining said rubbing his temples. "Why did mom even marry you?"
"Oh, she was a very kinky one. Then you happened."
There was so much laughter, tears were flung away from so much of it. Their faces were red from laughing so hard.
"This guy should win an award," Discord said. "This is absolutely hilarious."
"See? Discharge appreciates my humor."
More laughter.
"Remember when I caught you masturbating?"
"Wh-what?!"
"I think you were like, 10 years old."
Sombra, Discord, and Chrysalis couldn't breathe from so much sniggering and laughing.
"Dad. Just stop."
"I'm just saying-"
"STOP. I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT."
"Geez, you're more spicy than a god damn ghost pepper."
"What the hell does that even mean?!"
"I'm older than you and even I understand modern teenage talk."
"Dad, nopony says "Spicy"!"
"Stop being so fucking spicy, Shining," Queen Chrysalis said.
"Ugh...Listen. Dad. She is seriously considering living with them."
"Well unless they're planning a ménage a trois, I'm not really worried, son."
"DAD!!!!!"
"What?" He asked innocently.
"You are a horrible parent!"
" Um. Gurl. What did you just say?"
"Girl?!"
"HOLD MY RING!!!!" He said to basically no one.
" Bitch, you calling me a horrible parent?"
"Basically."
"Ratchet-ass hoe, I'ma go Sharkeisha on you."
"Uh-huh."
"Bitch, you lucky I ain't there, otherwise I would beat. your. motherfuckin'. ass," He said with sass in his voice.
"Dad."
"Yes?"
"You don't give a flying fuck, don't you?"
"I don't give a rat's ass about this."
"Yeah, I should have known. Dad?"
"Yes?"
"I'm calling mom's work."
"You're-" He giggled, "You're calling mommy?" He said in a baby voice.
"Dad..."
"Do you need to change your diaper? Is that why you're so butthurt?"
"Goodbye." He sighed as he hung up," That was utterly useless."
"I don't see why this is such a big deal," King Sombra said. "Sure, we used to be villains, but at this point, we really can't do anything but bother her," He said pointing to Twilight. "I mean, I got defeated by Spike. At this point, I'm just going to be a complete dick."
"I've got my eyes on you," Shining said.
"You're everything that I see."
"I want your hot love and emotion; endlessly."
"I can't get over you, you left your mark on me, I want your hot love and emotion, endlessl-"
"STOP. JUST STOP."
Twilight reassuringly put a hoof on Shining Armor's shoulder, "I can handle them."
****"Can we go back?"****
****"This is the moment."****
****"Tonight is the night!"****
****"We'll fight 'till it's over."****
****"So we put our hooves up, like the ceiling can't hold us."****
****"Like the ceiling can't hold us!"****
"Okay, Twily. I love you."
"Love you too, BBBFF," She says, hugging him.
"And then," Discord said pausing, "They kissed."
"Get a room, geez." Chrysalis said.
Twilight glared at them," Oh, ha-ha."
"See you later, Twily. Good luck."
"Bye, Shiny." And with that, Shining Armor hesitantly walked out of Twilight's house. Sombra closed the door.
"It begins," He mumbles menacingly.
