Goatse in Equestria

by Pastor Pulp

Rating: mature
Tags: Rarity, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1293

Kirk Johnson's gaping butthole engulfs Ponyville.

Kirk Johnson's gaping butthole engulfs Ponyville.

Published 2014-03-27 09:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-27 09:50:03 UTC

Twerk it!

Kirk Johnson was sitting in his bathtub, the warm water caressing him gently, the lights were off, the only illumination being from a mild cinnimon incense that was slowly burning on his bathroom counter.

Kirk slowly stood up, shivering a bit as his modest scrotum shrunk due to the sudden temperature drop. He flew up to the showerhead(Kirk Johnson can fly) and stretched his asshole over the faucet. He then turned on the water, trapping it in his rectum. Then he poured hydroflouric acid into his asshole(try it at home kids).

Then he did the Harlem Shake(try it at home kids) sloshing the mixture around in his large intestine. This cleaned out his colon, so he took a brown water shit in his bathtub and back flipped out of it(try it at home kids) landing right next to his towel. He wrapped the towel around his head, drying his hair the old fashioned way.

Suddenly a thunder god crashed through Kirk's roof on the exact top of its head(try it at home kids).

"Goatse man! I am here to smoke meth(try it at home, kids), so now you must die!" The thunder god shot lightning at Kirk, but Kirk caught it with his butthole, and sent it back twice as powerful. Thunder gods are betas, so he died, but not before Azurath Metrion Zinthosing Kirk into Equestria.

Kirk was falling through the air at his maximum terminal velocity(try it at home kids). He scoffed, non-specific thunder god would send him to Equestria miles above the ground. It was something to do with his "naked people landing on the ground in front of old people" fetish. Kirk really didn't understand it, but he also didn't care, the thunder god was dead, and probably burning in Hell or reincarnated as a snail or something, so who gives a fuck?

Kirk thought for a moment(Warning: Don't try this at home!) he wasn't really sure of what to do. In a couple of minutes he'd probably be dead, because despite his superpowers, landing on any hard surface at maximum terminal velocity really freaking hurts. Then he remembered something:

(Kirk Johnson can fly)

So Kirk flapped his arms as hard as he could, but alas it was a fruitless effort.

"Gravity must be stronger here,"he thought to himself. Oh well, this was it, Kirk Johnson was going to die.

But suddenly he got a really good idea. He'd just solve his problem like he always did, with his butthole. So Kirk Johnson spread his buttcheeks, and stretched out his asshole until it was roughly the size of Wyoming. This created a parachute effect that greatly slowed his descent. Were he an ordinary-human, such anus stress would've killed him, thankfully Kirk Johnson is no ordinary-human.

Rarity was making her way downtown, twerking fast, and was hood-bound, when suddenly she got the crazy idea in her head to look up. This was always a dangerous move for ponies, because they lack the brain capacity to swallow water, meaning that should one just so happen to look up when it's raining, they will drown. It applies to Earth ponies too(not Earth ponies in that sense, ponies from Earth).

What she saw horrified her. Quickly approaching Ponyville, was a giant, fleshy parachute, roughly the size of Wyoming. Instantly, as all ponies do, she starting running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

"Everypony run!"she screamed,"we're all going to die!"

The ponies paid her no mind however, because by now they were totally used to her eternal bitching, so they just went on their merry way. Guess you shouldn't be such an over-dramatic whore, huh Rarity? Ha ha ha, look at her squirm, like when I choke my ex-wife in her sleep while wearing a mask. Dumb bitch, it's not my fault the Raiders suck, she doesn't have to beat our son for it! That's why I left her and choked her in the first place!

If you want to RP about it then contact me via twitter @WillSmith.

Anyway, the giant assachute of doom descended upon the city, cocooning the entire populous with a massive net that smelled like poop.

Now the idiot pones were finally reacting appropriately, both running around in circles and complaining about the smell. Had they the chance to look up at him like Rarity did, they'd have seen their anal doom, but they didn't, and they couldn't see the shadow because Kirk Johnson is Peter Pan, and his shadow moved to Japan, where it promptly got a tan, and married Superman.

Of the ponies running, Rarity made up like, ninety percent of them, because she was so scared that she had triggered the ultimate tactic of the pony race: Super Mitosis. She was multiplying so fast, that were she in space(like the infinitely multiplying donuts) she would have eventually multiplied at a rate faster than the universe was expanding, causing the entire universe to be crushed like a paper cup, but from the inside.

Eventually there were so many Rarities, that they actually managed to fill Kirk's cavernous asshole, dislodging him from the city, and flinging him all the way to Canterlot where Princess Celestio, and Princess Luno were playing checkers and listening to Reggae Metal. He crashed through their window, destroying the game just as Celestio was about to get the final king.

"What is the meaning of this?"asked Luno extremely quietly, because the whole"keep it down, Luno" thing from the Luno Eclipsed episode was actually a plot to get her to shut up completely.

Kirk Johnson merely shrugged, he honestly couldn't explain himself, but saying so is redundant, because that was already made evident by the shrug.

Thankfully for everyone in the room, Celestio can interpret shrugs perfectly.

"What? You're an inter-dimensionl being sent here during a fight with a thunder god, and you used your butthole as a parachute, a "buttachute" as it were to slow your descent, but you accidentally got caught over Ponyville, and scared Rarity so badly that she went into Super Mitosis, and is now multiplying at a universally devastating rate?" she aked.

"You got it sister," replied Kirk.

So Celestio and Luno flew off towards Ponyville to kill the millions of multiplying Rarities, because that's the only way to stop Super Mitosis, which, if you think about it, makes for a pretty shitty survival tactic.

They each fired a magical lazer beam at the huge, ever expanding mass of equines, butt(;D) to no avail. Even with all of their powers combined, Celestio and Luno were only able to kill a couple thousand of them at a time.

"It's no use," said Celestio,"Even with all of our powers combined, we're only able to kill a couple thousand at a time."

"What's that?"asked Kirk Johnson,"Even with all of your powers combined, we're only able to kill a couple thousand at a time?"

"Yes,"replied Celestio,"as I said, even with all of our powers combined, we're only able to kill a couple thousand at a time."

Kirk opened his asshole wide enough to engulf two lazers.

"Shoot your magical pone-beams in here,"he said.

Celestio and Luno complied, firing their magical pone-beams into Kirk Johnson's gaping asshole. It spun around and around, gaining power at an infinite rate, because Kirk's butthole skin is made of Wobbuffet material.

When Kirk felt as though the beam was powerful enough, he fired it at the now moon-sized horde of Rarities, blowing them all up like, PACHOOOOBOOOMSHWAAAAAA!!!!!!

It was pretty cool, because he killed all of the Rarities, and saved the day.

So he turned to Celestio and Luno and put on a pair of sunglasses.

"Silent predator of the deep, my ASS!"he said.

Ten years later he died of polio.