Responses To A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by keaton-furman-prower

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 58565

Princess Celestia sends Twilight Sparkle to Ponyville to learn about friendship. This is going to be fun!

Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's most prized and faithful student, is being sent to Ponyville to learn about the magic of friendship.

This is going to be fun!

A spinoff of Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student by milesprower06.

Published 2013-12-16 07:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-31 18:51:27 UTC

Friendship Is Magic, Part 2

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Ugh. I was having such a wonderful time banished to the sun. Peace and quiet, and no Twilight.

Oh well. If anything, I now have one more thing I can put on my petition to ban the Filly Decimal system. Druggies really have their uses.

And I've noticed that the royal guard kind of sucks. In fairness though, anything that's capable of taking down a full-grown alicorn is probably not going to be fazed by a couple of guards. Of course, this begs the question as to exactly why we even need a guard in the first place.

Oh yeah, that reminds me: you're actually right. Your brother was, and still is, making sweet, sweet love to your foalsitter. Hopefully that should be enough to scar you for life.

Anyway, I was hoping that your quest to find the elements in the deadly forest would lead you to get mauled by a manticore, but I guess that those other ponies had to follow you in. I can't say I blame them, though; nopony in their right mind would want a bitch like you to be the one to retrieve ponykind's last hope for salvation.

But let's make one thing perfectly clear: Unicorns are NOT the master race. That distinction goes to alicorns such as myself. We're basically pony gods, and we rule over the whole world. So next time you go on about how an earth pony sucked at helping you, remember that you'd suck at helping us.

One thing that your letter has made clear, however, is that the drug problem is worse than I had imagined. Between Pinkie Pie laughing at trees, the rest of you being afraid of those trees (Seriously? Trees can't even attack you!), and that weirdo sea serpent, it's like drugs have infested every corner of the world.

Of course, your existence is more than enough to justify cutting spending on drug law enforcement.

And of course, there were the elements themselves. In an ideal world, Nightmare Moon would have killed you before you figured out how they worked. Unfortunately, this isn't an ideal world, and you manged to use five random ponies to make my sister taste the rainbow. I'm glad I got back when I did, otherwise you'd probably try to kill her.

So, there we go. If you hadn't already decided to stay in Ponyville, I'd probably have forced you to leave Canterlot anyway. In any case, I'm not going to miss you. On the other hoof, your constant letters are going to be more than a bit annoying.

~~Then again, I might be able to have some fun with that...~~

Your former Teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I need a new student, so I'm taking your old Smarty Pants Doll.

The Ticket Master

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Applebuck Season

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Applebuck Season

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I suspect that the Apple family is at least partially inbred. It would certainly explain a lot.

Of course, there's also the possibility she's part cow. Their stupidity would defile even royal alicorn genes if allowed. On the other hand, it made for quite a bit of entertainment when they began to stampede through your little town. You should have seen the way they almost trampled everypony!

Of course, there may be a solution to the cow problem. You may wish to consider joining P.E.T.A. (Ponies for the Eating of Tasty Animals) for more details.

Also, I must say that Ponyville has a problem. If they spent an entire week organizing a ceremony to celebrate their town not getting run over by stupid cows, yet could get all their stuff for the Summer Sun Celebration ready in just under a day, they must have really bad priorities. Especially if the guest of honor is half asleep when she gets there. You must be so happy to live there, huh?

Of course, the real fun began when Big Mac got injured and Applejack vowed to buck all the trees by herself. Seriously? Oh, this was fucking epic!

First off, Rainbow Dash. The fact that Applejack catapulted her right onto your balcony? Total mood killer for you! Injuries for Dash! Popcorn for me!

And then there was the muffin incident. Oh man. Those bakers must be real morons if they let that pink drug addict bake anything! Of course, maybe they thought having Applejack around would stop her from putting anything dangerous into the mix. Oh boy were they wrong!

Admittedly, however, I was slightly disappointed when she caused my requested batch of slave bunnies to escape. Of course, the way they trampled the town and caused everypony to panic (Seriously?! How the hell is a rabbit stampede even a threat?!) was absolutely worth it.

Also, I find it hard to believe that two ponies are enough to buck an entire orchard. Indeed, if Applejack was so tired after doing so little, Big Mac could probably buck the entire orchard himself!

Of course, if Big Mac truly is strong enough to buck the entire orchard by himself, then he definitely deserves to have a sandwich named in his honor. Especially if it's approved by P.E.T.A..

Your faithful Bringer of the day, Princess Celestia.

Griffon the Brushoff

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Griffon the Brushoff

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

First of all, if you lost your recipe for an orgasm-intensifying potion due to Pinkie's prank, all you have to do is ask me! I happen to have one right here! Oh wait, I forgot, I'm not sharing it with you because you're a colossal bitch.

Oh well, I'm sure your brother and foalsitter will be happy to have some extra.

Now, I must say that it's interesting that you mention the griffon. Trust me, they may be weird, but it actually gets better: if you get knocked up by a griffon, the resulting abomination will have the lion bits replaced by pony bits! They call it a hippogriff! Of course, since griffons and ponies usually hate each other's guts, most hippogriffs are the result of date-rape.

So remember to stay alert if you're in a nightclub and see a griffon. Especially if he offers you a drink.

Anyway, she doesn't sound too bad, especially if she's worried about the junkie. And she definitely seems to have the right idea about Fluttershy. As much as I hate to agree with you, you're right: leading baby ducks right down the center of main street should be criminalized, and Fluttershy should be banished and thrown in a dungeon in the place she was banished to.

I must admit, Gilda could have made a fine addition to Ponyville. She could definitely have taught them a lot, and definitely more than you! But then again, I guess Pinkie Pie's drug-induced ideas would have made her leave sooner or later. It's too bad it had to be Rainbow Dash who ended up making her leave. I mean, if they'd remained friends, we might have been able to convince her to help teach ponies how to act properly.

On the other hoof, she is not a pony, and therefore could never be equal to us. So perhaps it was for the best.

Your faithful sun-shifting Goddess, Princess Celestia.

Dragonshy

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Dragonshy

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

How the hell did you manage to survive?!

I mean... I'm so glad you're back safe and sound! I knew I could count on you. Was there any ever doubt? Nope, none at all.

...Okay, I was honestly planning on nuking the entire mountain from orbit (It's the only way to be sure, you know). But then, I remembered that I just so happened to have a particularly unfaithful student who I could send off to her doom. Two birds killed with one stone! Easy!

But I'm confused as to why Rainbow would want to look fabulous if she's the element of ~~honesty~~ loyalty. Isn't Rarity the element of fabulosity? Of course, I might have gotten those elements mixed up at some point. It's confusing.

But what confuses me is that you actually wanted to bring Fluttershy along. Heck, even Pinkie Pie sort of made sense, with her desire to go jihad on the dragon. Yes, I know that she could have been sacrificed to the dragon if things got bad, but I'm certain that those inbred colts you mentioned in your last letter could have done the job quite well. And they wouldn't have been missed by the local fauna (although you could have made a bunny fire if that was the case). But then again, as the great and powerful former student that you are, I'm sure you had some good reasons for doing so.

And by now you ought to know that you don't get paid for this. It's just that, unlike the many fools who have tried and failed to overthrow me, you understand the price of not listening to my commands. Not to mention that, as a non-alicorn, you're not exactly capable of surviving on the moon. So next time you get crushed under an ABBA-lanche, remember what happens should you refuse.

But tell me, Twilight Sparkle: If you're so smart, then why were you the first to go in and meet the dragon? Didn't it ever occur to you that he might, I don't know, eat you? Not that I'm complaining, though; it's your funeral, not mine. Of course, maybe you just wanted it to put you out of your misery. That would have been great.

Of course, I thought that the dragon would snap eventually, and try to kill you. Believe me, I was very eager for this, but alas, it was not to be. I must find out what drugs Pinkie Pie has, however, as I've come to realize just what a powerful weapon something could be if it can turn a ferocious dragon into a pussy.

Your Faithful ~~Tyrant~~ ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I have no desire to see your ball, no matter how amazing it may be.

Look Before You Sleep

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Look Before You Sleep

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I thought you were going to take care of that town from now on. Seriously, if you say you're going to help a town pull itself back together, you ought to follow through on that promise. So don't come whining to me because one of your friends is being lazy. Teach her obedience yourself.

Of course, I feel obligated to question just about everything in your life, especially if it makes no fucking sense. Like why somepony tried to make Applesack and Charity work together on their tree project. Seriously, it's like those bad shipping fanfics you used to write when you were a whiny brat. Where were you when the work was being organized?!

Oh, that's right. You were trying to work on your sexual frustration. Perhaps you should consider moving back to Canterlot with your brother and foalsitter. I hear they are quite interested in the possibility of a threesome. Of course, you could always order you subjects to satisfy you if you were a princess. How very tragic that you are not.

But yeah, you clearly have a problem if you're resorting to having a sleepover with Applesack and Charity to relieve yourself. On the other hoof, banging them would ensure that you do not contribute to the gene pool, which would be a great relief for me.

I find it interesting that you mention Slumber 101: Everything You Wanted To Know About Sleepovers But Were Afraid to Ask. I actually put that book in Shining Armor's bookshelf when he and Cadance were in high school. If it encourages you to bang only mares, however, then it may have more uses than I thought.

So what, pray tell, was the best part of the night? You spent it all getting them worked up, ready to finally relieve your sexual frustrations, when BANG! Tree in the house! Mood killer! And then, instead of trying to get rid of it, you simply stood there and read your book trying to figure something out. Meanwhile, Applesack and Charity are getting all romantic with each other and helping each other toss the tree at fax machine. I can see where this is going, and it sure as hell doesn't involve you!

Your faithful, joyful, happily-ordering-her-subjects-to-satisfy-her monarch, Princess Celestia.

Bridle Gossip

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Bridle Gossip

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Ah, the lesser species. They've been a problem for quite a long time. I think we could probably come up with a solution...

But that is for another time. For now, we ought to discuss the zebra. You're quite lucky you managed to chase her out of Ponyville, otherwise I would probably have had to burn down Ponyville. Still, the fact that nopony knew what a zebra is proves that we need better education systems than the ones we have now.

Still, the fact that everypony hid in their homes rather than try to befriend her proves that the ponies have at least some idea of what ought to be done. Mind you, truly intelligent ponies would chase the zebra out of town. But then again, I suppose I can't expect the denizens of Ponyville to know that.

Of course, the brave little filly clearly shows that there is hope. Maybe one day she'll form her own organization.

Admittedly, I've come to realize that having a zebra nearby might not be a bad thing, especially if she cursed you. I've never seen such a wimpy horn! Oh, and those dreadlocks on Rarity! The way she screamed was priceless! Not to mention how she turned Applejack into a midget! Oh, and Pinkie Pie's never gonna get high with a tongue like that!

Of course, she could also be taught how to improve pony traits. Especially Rainbow's flying. And especially Fluttershy's voice. If that wasn't sexy I don't know what is!

Kudos to the little filly, though. She charged into the forest to hunt down the witch with no second thoughts. She'll definitely go far, no matter what Midget Applejack says.

I am awfully happy that you spared the zebra, though. The entertainment value I got out of this was staggering. Between Midget Applejack riding on Rainbow Dash, the Pinkie and Fluttershy rap, and your complete inability to perform, this was the best show I've had in years.

Your faithful (and totally non-racist) ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: African Equestrian? Did you just steal from Pinkie's Stash?

Swarm of the Century

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Swarm of the Century

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

First off, if being asked to deliver your report in person was such a bother, then why didn't you just say so? That way, I'll come over every week just to hear what you have to say!

Secondly, I always knew what those creatures were. It's just that it was so cute to see you struggling to bring order to the unstoppable chaos unfolding in Ponyville that I just had to let you have your fun!

It's a shame I couldn't attend the party, though. I was looking forward to seeing the book fort you'd promised me. Also, that banner would have given me a great way to point out how the ponies who live there are always messing up. I'm kind of pissed that Pinkie ate my cake though. Nopony eats my cake.

Oh well, it was probably full of drugs, anyway.

It's a shame (for you) I never taught you about parasprites, though. If you had known how to deal with them, none of this would have happened. It's even more of a shame (again, for you) that the only one who did know was the town gypsy, so you'd never care about anything she says.

No, wait, I meant junkie, not gypsy. Those are completely different.

Or are they?

In any case, It was probably a bad idea to leave that parasprite with your fax machine. Fairies are super-effective against dragons, and immune to them too. Fax machine could easily have been murdered in his sleep, so you really dodged a bullet there.

On the other hoof, Fluttershy's desire to spread her demon spawn all over town clearly meant there was going to be trouble. She may seem weak and helpless, but she sure knows how to create catastrophes. I swear, the next thing you know she'll be the one who ends up summoning Smooze and damning us all.

But I digress. I was actually quite impressed at how you managed to round up all those parasprites and roll them into the next town. It would have been quite disappointing if it had ended there, but once again, the “weak and helpless” Fluttershy does not disappoint! Thanks to her, a parasprite survived, and so the apocalypse began.

I must admit, I was quite surprised when those little fairy bugs began to eat the town itself. And even more so when you somehow managed to create an exact replica of Ponyville. But what surprised me most was Pinkie Pie's ability to somehow put together a one-pony polka band and single-hoofedly lead the parasprites out of town. Anypony else would say it was impossible, but being high probably warps your definition of “impossible”.

Seeing how well you and your friends worked together, I think you will really enjoy rebuilding together!

Your Faithful Team-playing Teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: The water tower survived? Well, you might want to make sure it's still a water tower...

Fall Weather Friends

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

If what you said is true, and the seasons have already changed in just a few weeks, then perhaps you need to take control of the seasons on your own. You've already demonstrated the ability to control and order the ponies in your little town, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem for you to take over completely. Unless you begin to hibernate again.

Seriously, the way you managed to convince your two friends to judge them by pointing out that you are superior to them is proof that they have recognized you as their leader. And indeed, while their competition may prove that one is superior to the other, they lack the magic abilities that define unicorns as the second most powerful race (we alicorns, of course, are still the master race, but you wouldn't know that).

Also, I'd like to say that I find your analysis of Rainbow Dash's front hooves to be quite interesting. If you have an idea of what she uses those strong hooves for, then perhaps you ought to invite her to a slumber party so she can show you. Perhaps you could show her your unicorn superiority?

But back to the competition. If Applejack was so pissed about Rainbow using her wings, then why did she start worrying about it after the competition was over? Isn't this the kind of thing one would think of before challenging somepony? Then again, she's probably inbred, so it's not likely that she could have put much thought into this.

Of course, the Running of the Leaves must have been something completely different, especially if you decided to join. The fact that Applejack thought about giving Rainbow a disability to “level” the playing field proves that earth ponies may not be completely useless, while Rainbow's decision to go with it helps demonstrate that pegasi are just as inferior as earth ponies. Of course, they were pretty much spot on when they thought you couldn't compete. I've seen you try, and honestly, it's absolutely hilarious.

Then you had to ruin it by teleporting in between sixth and fourth place. I guess that just proves that you're superior to most of them (if you were actually superior to all of them, you'd teleport to the very front).

Anyway, I must say I'm amused by the way Pinkie Pie fucked up the commentary. I mean, hot dogs? Those are food made by griffons, with meat! Why would she mention them to an audience of ponies? I mean, I know she's the leader of the Ponyville P.E.T.A.* chapter, but she does need to learn how to control her ideas. Still, I imagine that you'd enjoy joining them, especially after that letter about the uselessness of cows. Also, given that dragons tend to eat meat, I'm sure your fax machine would enjoy joining too.

But I have to admit, the highlight of the race was the look on Rainbow and Applejack's faces when they found out they were tied for dead last place. Not only did they fail to prove their superiority, but they also proved that both races are equally bad!

At least they didn't fuck up by teleporting four places behind their intended target. Master race my ass.

Your infinitely greater ruler, Princess Celestia.

Author's Note

*Ponies for the Eating of Tasty Animals

Suited For Success

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Suited For Success

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I see. You plan on getting some at the Gala.

I wonder...

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

We ponies hardly ever wear clothes, true. So, given that we ponies are waving our plots out for all to see, you'd think that we would always feel horny. Of course, because you're a unicorn, you're always horny. And for that matter, your brother and foalsitter are also always horny. You wouldn't believe how much sex it takes for them to be satisfied.

Now that I've hopefully managed to traumatize you for life, let's talk about your dresses. If you've forgotten what sexiness is all about, then all the slutty dresses in the world aren't going to get you laid. But then again, I suppose that's what you get for living in a town of inbred hicks.

Regardless, if you've managed to convince Hoity Toity to buy into your attempts at getting laid, then I'd say you can't fail.

Nope. You're going to do just fine.

Your equally "horny" former teacher, Princess Celestia.

Feeling Pinkie Keen

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Feeling Pinkie Keen

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Please allow me to clarify what you've just said. Are you actually suggesting that drugs enabled Pinkie Pie to predict the future? I'm sorry, but I think she may have infected you with her highs. On the other hoof, if there is any truth behind this analysis, then I may have to prove it for myself. Excuse me, but I need to take a hit.

Hmm, I think we ought to talk a bit about Fluttershy and the frog problem. I have heard from the griffon kingdom that frog legs are quite delicious, and I believe that we could really help manage the problem if we took a cue from them. It has not been easy getting ponies to join PETA. However, I feel that your story could be a truly inspirational one which could create an entire new subculture of carnivorism.

Uhh... maybe you needed to recalibrate your machines? No matter how much drugs that pony has in her system, I don't think they should be able to overload any system without killing her. Then again, maybe Pinkie Pie has become so unbelievably overdosed that her body is starting to turn into a drug?

That would explain a lot about your behavior, actually.

So, this is good! It sounds like you had a lot of fun stalking Pinkieus Piecus, it sound really fun! Bees flying around and stinging everypony! Falling down inconveniently placed stairs! Having an anvil dropped on your head for no real reason! Imma call you Twile E. Coyote (Hornycus Horsius Bitchicus)!

Oh that is awesome! I can taste purple! Oh yeah, and Pinkie Pie must have had a real doozy! I mean, going all the way into the deadly forest and chased by a hydra! Hey, what do you think would happen if you just gave one head drugs? Would they all get high or just the one monkey!

I love this shit! Prophecy or no prophecy, this shit is so fucking awesome! I feel so light! I believe I can fly! My mane tastes like cotton candy! The cake is a lie!

I CAN SEE THE FUTUUUUURE!!!

Your high-as-balls ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Honk

The Stare Master

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Stare Master

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

If Fluttershy wishes to have her animals eat little ponies for dinner, you probably shouldn’t interrupt her, especially if one of said ponies is inbred. Come to think of it, you could probably allow her to “babysit” those two idiot unicorns who necessitated the new eugenics program.

But I must say I’m surprised that you would want to ask the zebra for anything. Didn’t you want her lynched? On the other hoof, that “tea” she made you sounds pretty good, given how that night turned out. In fact, I think you should drink Zebra tea more often. I enjoy the thought of you getting stoned

It’s a shame that the fillies didn’t end up getting eaten by the animals, though. I guess that just proves that children are pretty effective at being parasites. You ought to get used to them, as you might one day have a foal of your own.

Oh, that would be hilarious. Especially if it ends up like those three. Seriously, if you don’t end up chasing your filly into the Everfree forest because she went looking for a lost chicken, I could have you banished to the moon for child abuse. Then, since you didn’t have the ability to “stare” a cockatrice into submission, you’d be stoned forever!

Oh my, that would be the best thing ever! I’d have to tell Fluttershy not to go looking for her chicken, though. I wouldn’t want you to recover.

Your non-stoned ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Please bring me that chicken. I'm very hungry.

The Show Stoppers

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Show Stoppers

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Why of course cutie marks lock you into a single occupation! They’re great for controlling the mindless masses of Equestria! Most ponies will never be effective dissenters, because they don’t have resistance cutie marks. And, of course, those who do have anarchist or revolutionary as their destiny will have it slapped onto their plots for all to see. It makes quashing potential rebellions that much easier.

On the other hoof, the idea of reaching a certain age when one’s cutie mark just appears has a certain appeal to it. Perhaps I should find a way for foals to be born with them, that way we could begin their, ah, training from the moment they’re born.

It might also help those three fillies, especially if they think they’re going to get cutie marks in library maintenance. That’s Fax Machine’s job. Still, I believe these little fillies, with their limited brainpower and incredible determination, could make for useful slave labor once we can convince them that it is their path to their Cutie Marks.

And if you ever do get pissed and blow them up, I do know a good lawyer. Unfortunately, he doesn’t work for bitchy former students.

But for now, let’s talk about that talent show. I already know everything about it. I must say those three were quite bad. So they probably did deserve the Last Place ribbon. Indeed, if they’d gotten a ribbon for Last Place, maybe that would have hammered in the fact that they suck. But noooo, Cheerilee had to give a ribbon for victory to the brain-dead degenerates of the school.

And as for those song lyrics you wrote up, I ~~hate~~ like them. It's ~~a good thing~~ too bad you never obtained a musical cutie mark.

Your faithful ~~tyrant~~ princess, Celestia.

Green Isn't Your Color

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Over A Barrel

Original letter here, with re-reading strongly suggested!!

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I am very pleased with this development. Just like so many of the lesser races, the buffalo have been a thorn in our side for far too long. Their extinction shall bring us one step further towards our ultimate goal of Pony Supremacy. All primitive and barbaric cultures must be eliminated if we are to establish our mighty Solar Reich.

However, before we go any further, I would like to address a rumor that has been floating around for some time.

You see, some ponies have come to believe that I like genocide. I wish to dash these rumors. I do not like genocide.

I love genocide.

Through my life, I have discovered so many different forms of genocide.

Many millions of years ago, the world was ruled by primitive dragon-creatures. Unlike the powerful and majestic dragons of today, they were weak, stupid, and they ate my cake, so they had to go. So I dropped a bunch of space rocks on top of them.

Dragon genocide.

Then, the weather got very cold, and large glaciers covered the world. Big, hairy elephants thrived, their thick hair protecting them from the icy chill. However, they left huge piles of shit, and everything smelled like ass. So I made the day last for several weeks, which caused the ice to melt and the hairy elephants to drown.

Elephant genocide.

Eventually, the world became infested with bald apes. These apes would continually make terrible decisions, waste all their time arguing with each other, ignore or even justify all the problems in their world, and just be all around idiots. So Luna and I banished them to the re-frozen North Pole to freeze to death.

Ape genocide.

After a while, several pony tribes were formed. However, a group of shapeshifting insect-ponies, sought to create its own independent nation, complete with its own royal family. Of course, since we were not amused by the idea of multiple royal families, we waged a war which reduced their hives to ash.

Insect-pony genocide.

Finally, not too long ago, my baker created a large amount of cupcakes. There were so many of them, in so many flavors, so many colors of frosting, and so many different arrangements. When I found them, my heart was filled with joy, and I knew what I had to do. So I ate them all.

Cupcake genocide.

What I am trying to say, my former student, is that I am a purveyor of genocide. And, thanks to you and your friends, we are now on the precipice of true pony supremacy. The lesser races have no place in this world, and so we shall ensure the purity of our mighty Solar Reich.

Sieg Heil, your faithful Führer, Celestia.

P.S.: I am also quite pleased with the Effect the tree has had on Applejack. We do not need that redneck producing a large number of inbred children with that ultra-manly brother of hers, Big Macintosh.

Author's Note

Out of all the original letters, I think Over A Barrel was my second favorite.

That said, it really crosses the line twice, so some people might be put off by it. And this chapter probably makes the least sense without re-reading the original.

A Bird In The Hoof

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Is that all you have to say? “Your pet bird is a dick?” Honestly, I thought you’d have something to say about Fluttershy, given how epicly she fucked up.

Then again, I was there to see most of it, so it is probably quite self-explanatory. Not that I don’t already see everything…

In any case, thank you for your compliment! I do my best!

Your very favorite half-troll, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Tell Fluttershy that the punishment for stealing the royal pet is banishment and imprisonment in the place where she is to be banished... then, once she's sufficiently freaked out, tell her you're just joking.

Author's Note

A Bird In The Hoof was, by far, my favorite letter of all.

Owls Well That Ends Well

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Owls Well That Ends Well

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Reading these letters has made me consider getting my own organic fax machine. If abusing them is as fun as you say it is then I will certainly have a great time with it! Hopefully it doesn’t end up being as lazy as yours, though, because I have a lot of paperwork to do.

Of course, another assistant to give it competition sounds like a lot of fun. I’m definitely taking notes on how to get my own fax machine to become jealous, because I’m totally going to try this!

So, let me see if I can get this all memorized: First, give fax machine something that looks special, and then give the same thing to fax machine’s replacement. Then, find something minor for the fax machine to fuck up and tell it how disappointed you are. Finally, once they’re driven to petty crime, make them feel completely unloved! Brilliant!

Of course, I do need to make sure I can find some way to bring my fax machine back once it runs away. After all, extra slave labor is always appreciated.

As for you, you’re quite lucky that your own fax machine didn’t get eaten by its own people. Especially if it was so bad at fighting that the owl was better at fighting off the dragon.

But poor fax machine performance aside, I am very proud of you. I always thought you'd spend your life stuck with only one slave, but now you have two! As my sister would say, the slaves have been doubled!

Your slave-trading monarch, Princess Celestia.

Party of One

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Party of One

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Okay, first of all, while it was indeed my idea to send you to Ponyville, it was you who decided to stay in that hellhole. Thus, anything that happens to you in that town is entirely your own fault.

Second, anything Pinkie does to you does not affect me, so I have no reason to worry.

Finally, you are a selfish bitch who treats everypony around you like crap, so you completely deserve anything she does to you.

So in summary, the answer is no. You cannot come back to Canterlot. You still have a lot of lessons to learn in Ponyville.

Your ever-sadistic former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Pinkie Pie makes some truly delicious cupcakes! Why not try some?

The Best Night Ever

Original letter here.

Dear Princess Celestia:

Tartarus hath no fury like a unicorn denied her banging.

Honestly, I don’t care what happened to the rest of my “friends.” Rarity can bitch at Blue-Balls as much as you want, Rainbow can fail to be noticed by the Wonderbolts forever, and Pinkie Pie can have her drug-fueled ideals crushed into powder for her to snort. I’ll just point and laugh.

Of course, I don’t quite know what Applejack did to deserve your wrath. Not that I care, since she’s an inbred mud pony, but it still worries me that you could do something like that for fun. I mean, Rainbow tried to murder you with a cloud, Rarity wants to mooch off of you forever, Pinkie Pie ate all your cake that one time, and Fluttershy kidnapped your jackass bird. So, what did Applejack do again?

…Well, I guess trying to sell stuff at your event could be considered a crime.

But more to the point, the fact that you forced me to stay next to you the whole night greeting ponies instead of going out to get laid was a grave mistake, you bitch. And not only that, but after my friends did the sensible thing and wrecked the whole party, you had to give us laxative-filled ice cream?!

If you hadn't set that letter to self-burn, I would show it to everypony so you could be overthrown. I swear to your dear mother Faust, if it wasn't for all those drugs Pinkie borrowed me, I don’t know how I could have put up with you. (And just for the record, that shit did NOT make me imagine things!!!)

I shall seek my revenge in the most horrific way I can imagine. Perhaps I shall make your sister re-become the mare in the moon again, or invite a bunch of evil shapeshifters into Equestria. No matter what happens, you shall fall.

And now that I think about it, there’s that one statue in your garden I might be able to use…

Your enraged former student, Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Auntie Celestia:

It was awful! I got chased everywhere by a psychotic bitch who wouldn't leave me alone no matter how obvious I made it that I had no interest in her! I wanted to be polite, but how was I supposed to get her to leave me be?!

Your nephew, Blueblood.

Dear Princess Celestia:

We were under the impression that you had forbidden any "Loud and disruptive" ponies from attending the Gala. If that is true, then would you be so kind as to explain why this "Pinkie Pie" was allowed to not only be present, but also disrupt the musicians?!

Sincerely, Octavia's band.

Author's Note

Since the original had a letter from Celestia instead of Twilight, I did this from Twilight's perspective, even though the next one made her thoughts rather clear on the matter.

Also, I had originally planned on just doing her, but then I decided it would be more fun to get some extra perspective on the matter.

The Return of Harmony, Part 1

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Return of Harmony, Part 1

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for releasing me from my stone prison. Why, that tyrant! She never liked my beautiful powers, and she spent her time terrorizing the ponies of Equestria!

Of course, perhaps I ought to thank the three blank-flanked fillies who you sent to me. After all, it was their fighting that allowed me to be freed in the first place. Truly their chaos-making abilities are unmatched by anypony else in the universe! I ought to make them my top generals for my chaotic conquest.

My, now that I'm free, we can finally have glorious chaos, rather than that monotonous tyranny which has gripped our beloved Equestria for over 1000 years! After all, what fun is there in always having to do the work assigned to you by your magic butt sticker, or listen to everything your princess says, or making sure that winter gets wrapped up on time? No, we need some good, old-fashioned chaos to save us from boredom.

So, first off, your friends. Seeing how poor Applejack's so very bad at lying, I think I ought to give her some tips on how to do it. After all, honesty is nice, but where does it gets you when you are trying not to hurt somepony's feelings?

Next, Pinkie Pie. I admit, her love of my beautiful chaos flatters me, but she has a very bad drug problem. I know she's going to be bitchy for a while after I cut her off, but it's for her own good.

Rarity, of course, really needs to get her priorities straight. I mean, if she saw a diamond and her sister both about to fall into a volcano, she'd probably save the diamond! Therefore, I've decided to help her see the beauty in things that aren't incredibly expensive. Like a boulder, for example. Not very shiny or expensive, but then again, maybe she can come to appreciate it.

As for Fluttershy, she really needs to grow a spine. I'll make sure she learns how to be assertive, and I'll even pay her back if she's unsatisfied.

Finally, Rainbow needs to learn how to stop being such an egotistical pig, so I need to... oh, wait, she flew away. I just don't know what went wrong.

Anyway, I thank you, Twilight Sparkle, keeper of the Element of Magic, and future Queen of Chaos, for releasing me from my prison and enabling me to take over the world.

Your new and forever chaotic King of Equestria, Discord.

The Return of Harmony, Part 2

Dear Fax Machine:

If Discord made Twilight feel sorry for everypony for once, then perhaps we ought to bring him back. In fact, I need to seriously consider reforming him. Heck, even if he wasn't reformed, the chaos he's spread across Equestria would actually be preferable to having to listen to Twilight's incessant bitching.

But I digress. Seeing the others argue with each other and Twilight would have been fun, although I was unable to see anything because the whole castle was covered in an impenetrable layer of cotton candy. Thus, I decided to spend time by seeing how many letters I could send in a single fire.

As you no doubt remember from that one time you sent me your epic fantasy trilogy, you can send a lot of them, but it really sucks to be on the receiving end.

Regardless, I had fun knowing you were probably having your scaly ass kicked for not sending any letters to me in forever. But it also sucked that they had to remind her of how determined she was to be a bitch to everypony. Guess I kinda screwed up there.

Anyway, after she went off and tried to rape all her friends, they went back to normal. I'm not sure how that works, but I've decided not to question it. You probably know what happened next; they went to Discord, turned him into a weeping draconequus, and then had a party where I was forced to recognize them as “heroes”. So yeah.

So that brings us to where we are now. You make a valid point that Twilight is just a mortal unicorn and that we will outlive her by centuries, and therefore we ought to leave her be and eventually it will all blow over. To be fair to you, I'm pretty sure your idea would work, but quite honestly, I think it's more fun to watch you put up with her. Indeed, if there is one reason why I bother not executing her, it's because it's so funny watching her be cruel to you.

I wonder if I could make that last forever...

Your faithful(?) employer, Princess Celestia.

Lesson Zero

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Lesson Zero

To my little ponies (and Fax Machine):

I am quite aware that you first letter was full of crap. Honestly, who would ever willingly work with Twilight Sparkle on anything?

Anyway, it's true that Canterlot would never take Twilight back in. Even so, I am quite impressed by the resolve you showed in your attempts, and even more impressed by the amount of preparation and execution that went into your plan.

Regardless, in the end you never stood a chance. We are the wealthy elite, and you are the poor majority, and we all know how that battle always ends. Still, it was fun to give you false hope by turning the sky into a giant clock.

And Applejack? Please don't talk about Big Mac's problems. You inbred hicks are the problem, not whatever identity crises you may or may not have.

But back to the present. I am aware that you ponies despise Twilight. However, I do too, and I would rather have somepony else suffer though her shit than myself. And besides, it definitely makes for great entertainment.

Your eternally-trolling Solar Monarch, Princess Celestia

P.S.: Do you... like bananas?

Sisterhooves Social

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Sisterhooves Social

Dear Rarity:

If your sister is annoying you, then you ought to have her replaced with a robot. It would probably be a lot more efficient than your sister, and if she came back, you could have your robot go on a murderous rampage and kill her.

Of course, if what you want is someone to boss around and do your chores, you should really just steal Twilight's organic fax machine. If he complains, just use your natural sexiness to manipulate him into following your every command. Of course, if Twilight complains, just tell her she's not sexy enough for a fax machine anyway.

One thing you should never have to do, however, is stoop to the level of an inbred earth pony. Seriously, conspiring with Applejack? You should have just killed her in her sleep and taken your sister back. And probably Applejack's sister too. Not only would you have rid the world of an annoying inbred redneck, but you would also have double slave labor. Just like Twilight.

Your faithful Big Sister figure, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: If you want “Organized Chaos” in your room, then perhaps you should get a black hedgehog to help you control that chaos.

Dear Sweetie Belle:

If your sister is annoying you, then you ought to have her accused of being a robot. After all, the robot police are always listening. As are the thought police. And the fashion police.

The point is, we are always watching your every move. So you can accuse your sister of pretty much anything and you can screw her over almost immediately.

Just don't get any rebellious ideas, unless you need a one-way ticket to the moon.

Your one true Big Sister, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength.

P.P.S.: I don't understand. At the beginning of your letter, you said “Today I thought I'd surprise Rarity,” but then you said “So the next day, I was ready to watch the race.” So, which day was it?!

The Cutie Pox

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Long ago, bowling was the most effective method of execution ever created. Traitors and other such criminals were tied up, arranged in neat little rows, then a huge death ball was rolled at them, crushing them into a meaty pulp that we then sold to the griffons. However, as the number of usurpers dwindled and we stopped trading with the griffon empire, the former elegant method of execution was reduced to a mere form of entertainment for the masses, and the pathetic “sport” of today was born.

Of course, even this dull form of entertainment has its uses. You see, there are ponies who have bowling cutie marks who could, in another life, easily have grown up to be usurpers. Fortunately, no one takes you seriously when you have a bowling alley tattoo on your ass.

Because of this, I think Applesauce should have been quite happy to not have been chained to this hobby. But then again, she is an inbred hick, so perhaps I’m giving her too much credit.

But now I must admit to being just a bit confused. Why would she go to the zigger for help if she was the one who tried to drive her out in the first place? And why would said zigger invite her over, knowing full well what a natural disaster she is?! Seriously, we really need to dedicate ourselves to the cause of eugenics.

Of course, Cheerilee should have been the first to call bullshit upon seeing Applesauce get a second cutie mark. I mean, she’s clearly demonstrated that she lacks the brainpower to get even one cutie mark. Two would have been a big red flag. But then again, she really hasn’t been the best at noticing natural stupidity, so yeah.

So, once you know she’s got an incurable disease which nopony can cure, what do you do? Well, I’d suggest euthanasia, but there are stupid laws about that. Oh well, I guess the best that could be done would be to leave her out and let everypony freak out.

Still, cutie pox doesn’t sound too bad. I mean, if she could instantly learn a new language, then she’d save a lot on her college tuition when she grows older, especially if she learned to speak fancy. Not that Git R Done isn’t a fine language, mind you. You should learn to speak it someday.

But we’re getting off-topic. Getting help from a lower being doesn’t sound like a good idea, even if she knows black (I’d call it zegro) magic. But then again, I guess you needed some way to keep an eye on her. And it was definitely funny watching Pinkie trying to confess but failing. I kind of wish Applesauce had kept her mouth shut, though. Perhaps Pinkie would have given me some information on what happened to my cake last night.

In any case, it seems that Applesauce and her friends have gone off to the zegro to become drug chemists. I shall be quite happy to watch them create a meth lab, and I will ensure their business venture is a big success.

Your always pleased former Teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I am quite amused by the fact that it took you so long to figure out how to use your fax machine as a sex toy. Can’t wait to hear how you fuck that up.

Dear President Mustangascar:

A child in Equestria has an incurable disease.
I fear what would happen if it crossed the seas.

Your concerned friend, Zecora.

Official Decree From President Mustangascar:

SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING.

Author's Note

Oh yeah, today is milesprower06's birthday. Go wish him a happy one, because this whole story would never have been possible without him.

Also, I totally called my disease Cutie Pox. Unfortunately it didn't get to Madagascar.

The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Of course you can have your fifteen minutes of fame. However, you must always be ready to fight for every last second, lest your friends take them all and you end up with forty-five minutes of shame instead.

Of course, this only applies to earth ponies and pegasi. Alicorns and unicorns are allowed their full allotment of fame minutes, plus however many they can steal from their friends. They may also share their stolen minutes with their friends, but that honestly doesn't seem like a good idea, especially if those friends are not unicorns or alicorns.

Your favorite party pooper, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: You are not super, ultra, extreme, or awesome. Only I am.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Thank you for following my orders. I cannot allow egotistical pegasi such as Rainbow Dash trying to obtain widespread admiration. First they start admiring her. Then they begin to actively worship her. Next, they might even attack Canterlot! And then I'd have to explain why a large number of ponies suddenly appeared on the surface of the moon!

Of course, that means that there will be nopony to protect everypony when those surprisingly frequent accidents occur in Ponyville.

In other words, I'm getting out my camera for Equestria's Funniest Home Videos! This is going to be so awesome!

Your thoroughly irresponsible leader, Princess Celestia.

Dear Applejack:

Of course Rainbow wants you! Now kiss the mare!

Everyone's favorite shipper, Princess Cadance Notevil Goodpony.

Sweet and Elite

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Sweet and Elite

Dear Twilight Sparkle.

I am indeed renting out that private tower of mine. Not to you, of course, but to ponies who can appreciate my leadership. Fortunately, it appears that Rarity does, so I shall make sure she's comfortable. And maybe at the end she'll realize just how much better life in Canterlot is.

As for you, why would you ever rely on her? You know that her dresses are no use in getting you laid! I mean, just look at how you didn't get any at the Grand Galloping Gala! (Admittedly, that may or may not have had something to do with the unfortunate events of the night, which I feel we've probably discussed already.)

Of course, it really boggles my mind that you would be so rude as to interrupt her vacation, especially if her cat is sick. I mean, clearly her pussy is quite tender at the moment and needs to be cared for properly. Then again, if it means you'll get an unsatisfying dress out of it, then why not.

Still, kudos for Rarity for keeping up with both you and the Canterlot Elite at the same time. She really should have just ditched you at the first chance, but she persevered and managed to keep the proletariat from noticing anything wrong. Even if it did result in her missing out on the part where you all had fun licking cake off of Rainbow's body.

Overall, I am very pleased with Rarity's developing Unicorn-ness. Clearly she has realized that her destiny is to be part of the second greatest race in the universe. (Alicorns such as myself are the greatest, of course.)

Your eternally superior ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Why do you think he Fancy Pants doesn't actually wear pants, hmm?

Secret of My Excess

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Secret of My Excess

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Your fax machine can get a kiss from Rarity just by giving her a gem? That makes no sense... unless Rarity has a dragon fetish, which would severely reduce your chances of getting in bed with her.

Then again, maybe it was just a birthday present. It certainly seems that he's getting plenty of those this year. I kind of wish he wouldn't though, as I always told you never to give him anything in order to keep his self-esteem low and prevent him from revolting. And also to prevent him from growing up enough to satisfy you with his huge dragon dick.

Anyway, It's too bad they had to celebrate like that. All that stuff really began to trigger his inner greed, which in turn began his maturation into an adult dragon... who could probably fuck you hard enough to satisfy you for years to come.

All that effort in trying to prevent you from ~~getting any sort of pleasure~~ accidentally becoming pregnant wasted.

But anyway, you're quite a clever pony, Twilight. Taking fax machine all around town to steal more stuff, thus making him grow even faster? Then finding a nice secluded spot in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres so that he could give you the fucking you so desperately desire? Very well played. How fortunate that he didn't notice you and instead ran off to get more stuff.

Even so, with his greed getting stronger and stronger with each passing minute, there was certainly a huge risk that he'd eventually begin to seek out a mate, and you'd be there to take up his offer. Why, I shudder to think what would have happened if he'd found those orange rings I keep in my vault. Fortunately, he got to Rarity first, and managed to simultaneously save Ponyville and deny you your banging. I must remember to give that mare an award.

All in all, it sucks to be you and fax machine. I guess you'll have to spend the rest of your days pre-reading crappy fanfics about technicolor horses having sex. That said, I've read the ones you've written yourself, and I can certainly say that they suck worse than anything you could ever pre-read.

Your always-happy-to-aggravate former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: You really fuck up a lot of water towers. No wonder no stallion will fuck you up.

Hearth's Warming Eve

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Ah, Hearth's Warming Eve. The time of year when we celebrate the unification of the three pony tribes and founding of Equestria. Kind of sucks that we never get the whole story.

For example, you know that part about how fires of friendship warmed up the ponies? Well... it wasn't entirely accurate. True, the windigoes really don't like heat. And yes, Clover the Clever, Smart Cookie, and Private Pansy did become friends just as they were about to freeze to death. However, as they lay in that cave, doomed to a frosty death, they decided to go out with a bang... or, more accurately, banging.

As it turns out, while windigoes are averse to heat, they are even more averse to orgies. So, not only did the actions of those three brave ponies warm them up enough to survive, it so thoroughly traumatized the windigoes that they ended up flying off screaming towards the north pole, never to be seen again.

Of course, what interest me the most tonight is that you speak of “democracy.” Truly a horrific idea, if you ask me. After all, if we had democracy, ponies might get to have a say in the affairs of my government! They could vote for fair worker treatment, or for ending our military presence in the diamond dog deserts, or for me to cut down on my consumption of cake! I'm so glad we live in a solar dictatorship.

But what you might be surprised to know is that I already know of the nation you speak of.

No doubt you remember my earlier letter on how much I love genocide? The nation you speak of was composed of those bald apes who were notably unable to agree upon anything and were too stupid to try. Luna and I realized what a terrible waste of space they were, and banished them to the frigid icelands north of Equestria, forever freeing the world of the terrors of democracy.

Come to think of it, there are a lot of things frozen up there. Aside from those windigoes who are too freaked out to ever invade us again, there's at least one lost empire, some of those extinct hairy elephants, and Luna's boyfriend.

I really hope those dumb apes didn't get a chance to meet him.

Your Proud Nationalist former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Remember, Big Sister is watching you.

My dearest sister:

Sombra was NOT our fucking boyfriend!

Thy angry sister, Luna.

Author's Note

Some inspiration taken from this story.

Family Appreciation Day

Original letter here.

Dear ~~future slave-pony~~ Applesauce:

Me, a power-hoarder?! Blasphemy! I am a Princess who raises the sun, have ruled for thousands, nay, millions of years, and I could easily kill you and your entire Cutie Mark Illuminati. So shut up about your conspiracy theories and worship me.

That said, I'm happy you think I'm beautiful while all other old ponies are wrinkly and smelly. Also, you're surprisingly smart for somepony who lacks the brainpower to acquire a cutie mark. Truly you are a credit to the earth pony race.

So, Applesauce... sucks about your family. But you know who else lost his family? Bat-mane. You could end up becoming a great superhero, you know? Perhaps that could be your cutie mark!

...Ah, who am I kidding? As long as my father, King Hasbro, decrees that thou shalt not have thy cutie mark, you're gonna have a blank flank. And knowing Him, it's gonna be a loooooong time for you.

Or, you could waste all your time trying to prevent your granny from ever coming within a mile of your school. I mean, It wouldn't be that hard. All you'd have to do, honestly, would be slip some poison joke in her soup and tell your teacher she has Pinkie-itis, or something. It would probably get Pinkie arrested for smuggling illicit substances into Ponyville, but she has a problem anyway, so it wouldn't be too much of a loss.

That said, I really don't know how Family Appreciation Day is supposed to work. I mean, if there's 8 students in total, then they'd run out pretty fast. And if somepony's parents were busy (or, in Scootaloo's case, were currently napping six feet underground), they'd have serious issues. Then again, I guess you could always get some random pony to pretend to be your long-lost uncle or something.

Of course, I shouldn't ever have believed that the three of you would ever come up with a convincing plan to get rid of your granny. And for the record, if you were able to get your granny on that train, then perhaps you should have considered taking that trip instead, find your uncle, tell him a sad story about how your evil teacher and her two bitchy cronies tried to humiliate you in front of the whole class, then mooch off of him for the rest of your life.

But then you'd never have had the chance to get your revenge on bitchy crony #1, so I guess everything worked out in the end. Not to mention that she'll have to forever live with the knowledge that your family is the only reason her family isn't living on the streets selling her into prostitution for money.

Your eternally-observing and commanding Princess, Celestia.

P.S.: I know somepony who'd be willing to fuck a sassy stuck-up bitch.

Author's Note

King Hasbro makes a lot of bad decisions that piss off a lot of ponies. Unfortunately, Celestia learned everything she knows about being a good ruler from Him.

The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

Dear Applejack:

Your family has run the farm successfully for generations, and yet you have no idea how to run a business properly? You're more inbred than I thought. Then again, Rainbow isn't too much better off is she doesn't realize that getting the first sip means camping out all night.

But I'm getting off topic. You need to learn how to run a business, baby! I mean, letting ponies hog all the cider, thus creating a large amount of unsatisfied customers? Allowing the competition use your land, your resources, and set the rules to a contest they set up to win all your property? Well, I'd be terribly sorry for you if I had any fucks to give. I mean, any pony with half a brain would have done the sensible thing and accepted their help, then murdered them in their sleep, burned the bodies, and kept the awesome machine. Successful business forever!

In any case, you're lucky that those two unicorns are complete morons. I mean, allowing 'honorary family members' to participate? Those ponies are hardly even your friends, how do they count as family?! I mean, that could have been forgivable, since they probably didn't know anything about your friends, but it doesn't change the fact that they gave themselves an extra challenge just because they thought it was too easy.

Of course, they still technically won, but they had to ruin it by running away. If you don't mind, tell me the identities of these unicorns so that I may punish them for being an insult to the unicorn race.

Now, to finish, I must ask you about Rainbow Dash. She clearly has problems. I mean, is she so insanely obsessed with cider that she's willing to fill her mouth with cider-drenched mud? That's crazy! I mean, I don't find it hard to believe at all that she would lick all the cider off your body if-

If you don't mind, please give me a dozen barrels of cider. I'll make sure to pay you soon. But for now, I must write an invitation for Rainbow Dash.

Your super-sexy-sovereign, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Don't tell Twilight about the cider.

Read It and Weep

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Read It and Weep

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Rarity butchering you for ingredients? Never! That's the job I gave to Pinkie Pie and her fellow PETA members!

But I’m getting off topic here. I really don’t think you should be blaming Rarity for your accident. Most likely you’re just a pathetic flyer who can’t fly straight to save her life. And you think that you stand a chance of getting into the Wonderbolts?!

Of course, I’m quite unhappy that Twilight gave you a book. Everyone knows words and numbers are strictly forbidden. They make ponies smart, and then ponies could begin to get ideas of freedom, peace, equality… or, in Twilight’s case, hunger for power.

Unfortunately, the hospital doesn’t have nearly enough entertaining things to keep their patients complacent. I mean, how much would it cost them to install a few televisions and video game consoles? I mean, I could borrow them a few from my sister’s collection if they were broke! Otherwise it will be so dull that ponies will be forced to educate themselves by reading!

I felt you’d start to read those stupid books sooner or later, so I sent your friends to try to distract you. Alas, it was too late, and you were already obsessed. So I managed to bribe the hospital to kick you out early, hoping that you would forget about it after you’d been freed. But no, you tried to fake lazy-itis to get back your book. I guess that your natural color made it hard to fake blue flu?

Well, at least reading didn’t make you that much smarter.

Also, the hospital has some pretty big security issues. I mean, a nurse filly on burglar-catching duty? Who planned that?! Also, instead of guard dogs, they got the crazy pony with an identity crisis to chase you all the way to the library? What will they do if a psychopath comes in threatening to blow up the hospital for laughs?

But in the end it all seems to have worked out. You admitted to being an egghead, weaseled your way out of several burglary charges, and you got all of Twilight’s Daring Do books. Still, you should be careful with any books Twilight gives you from now on. I’ve heard she plans to use literature to brainwash you into becoming a sex slave.

Your always-careful ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Don't tell Twilight that I paid all your medical bills.

Hearts and Hooves Day

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Unfortunately, my aunt has had to attend to an emergency involving rabid comic book fanponies raging about some superhero named The Sentry or something like that. Therefore, the duty of responding to your stupid letters has been passed on to me. To say it pisses me off is a huge understatement. I mean, I could be spending my Hearts and Hooves day railing your brother till we both collapsed from exhaustion rather than dealing with your shit.

Oh well, let’s get this over with. First off, hello pot, I’m kettle. Have we met?

No seriously. Don’t you dare rant about how forcing ponies to fall in love is sick and wrong. I mean, isn't that what you try to do with other ponies and yourself? Don’t try to act like you don’t spend all your free time trying to get other ponies in your bed, you slut. And don’t pretend that other ponies want to reenact your fanfics, because I’ve read them enough to know that nopony would be crazy enough to do so.

Secondly, perhaps you haven’t considered the possibility that little ponies like those three simply want to do something nice for their teacher? The fact that you’re an egotistical bitch doesn’t mean that everypony else is going to be as selfish as you. As misinformed as the little fillies may have been when trying to set up those two ponies, there’s no doubt that their hearts are in the right place. I might even invite them over to be my flower fillies when I get married.

Finally, you really need to bring your libido under control. If you get horny whenever you think of sexy stallions, then you’re never going to get them to take you seriously. Unless you become a prostitute, in which case you could have all the sex you wanted. Come to think of it, there’s a great career choice for you.

Your sexually-realizing former foalsitter, Cadance Notevil Goodpony.

P.S.: I'll make sure to put Cheerilee on guard whenever you see Big Mac.

Author's Note

Coincidentally, The Sentry has a yellow body suit and a blue cape.

Also, he gets a lot of haters. Like, probably a lot more than that other Sentry you might have seen in a certain episode which aired not too long ago.

Putting Your Hoof Down

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Putting Your Hoof Down

Dear Fluttershy:

I’m sorry, but I can barely move after the laughing fit I just had. I mean, you are subservient to a rabbit! A fucking rabbit! I mean, I’ve heard of the flesh-eating rabbits before, but that’s just a regular bunny! You’re so pathetic you make the Cutie Mark Devastators or whatever they're called look like superheroes!

But anyway, I don’t understand how that cherry salespony didn’t fall for your charms. I mean, to be honest, it was pretty damn adorable. In fact, you’d probably make a perfect little sex slave-

-I mean, have you seen the weather recently, it’s so very nice!

But back to the topic at hoof. Why don’t you just use your freaky eye powers to scare everypony into submission? Seriously, given how peaceful the whole town is, you could probably conquer them all just by staring at them, even if you didn’t have those freaky eye powers. I guess you’re not only a pussy, but also a moron. Well, sucks to be you.

Honestly, I think that rabbit is better at life than you are, and that simply won’t do. Have you ever considered investing in a bunny fire? They’re not too expensive, and they help lower your heating bills during the winter, so that would be two birds killed with one stone.

Of course, you could just disregard all common sense and go to the minotaur’s school for struggling assholes. I mean, it would certainly be helpful, but why go to him? Twilight would certainly be willing to help you, as long as you were willing to pay her with certain favors.

…Actually, yeah. The minotaur may be a better bet.

Anyway, I watched you freaking out. It was funny as hell. Indeed, given how many complaints I’ve just received from Ponyville, I can tell I’m going to enjoy “New Fluttershy.” Of course, given my past experiences with ponies who I tried to mold into my own image, I know how badly that can turn out. Fortunately, I know I could always make you turn back to “Fluttershy Classic” and restore the status quo. Ponies will complain about the changes (or lack of thereof), sure, but I’m a goddess. What are they going to do?

Your ever-ready-to-murder-innocent-wildlife ruler, Princess Celestia.

It's About Time

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

First off, how dare you use those time travel spells without my permission?! Do you realize that you could have torn a hole in the fabric of space and time and destroyed all reality?! The laws of time are mine! And you will obey me!!!

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I think I should explain your little paradox to you. You see, when you think about your visitations between yourself in the past and the future, you assume that time is a strict progression of cause and effect. In reality, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey… stuff.

Also, isn't science fun when you live in a world of magic? Even if meeting yourself isn’t scientifically possible, you know you could always clone yourself, or travel to alternate universes. Who knows, perhaps somewhere out there is a universe where you’re actually a faithful student to me.

By the way, I was under the impression that you’d scrapped all your ideas of turning your fax machine into a sex machine. So why would you try to invade his dreams? Are you hoping he’ll realize just how futile his life is and become completely subservient to you? Or are you trying to make him choose between an awful dream of his death and an awful life as your slave?

Finally, I should warn you that Pinkie has much more than just balls and eye patches stashed everywhere. Just yesterday I checked beneath my bed and found a blue wooden box, a gas mask, a crystal ball with three witches, a disco-era robot dog, a jar full of flesh-eating snowflakes, a dozen bananas (Do you like bananas? Always take a banana to a party. Bananas are good.), and a fez.

Lady President of the High Council of Gallopfrey, Princess Celestia Romana Oswin Melody Faust.

P.S.: I really love your new mane style. It’s the kind of mane that tells ponies not to take you seriously.

Author's Note

A time travel episode. Perfect opportunity for a bunch of Doctor Who references.

Too many of them? Probably. But I don't feel sorry for that.

Can anyone name every reference in this chapter?

Dragon Quest

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Dragon Quest

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

First off, I’m pleased with how Fluttershy has progressed on her assertiveness training. I was worried that “New Fluttershy” would be lost forever once we switched back to “Fluttershy Classic”, but it seems she isn’t quite the same as she was before, so I guess I won after all.

Secondly, I’m quite surprised you didn’t actually implant a microchip into your fax machine’s brain. I mean, haven’t you ever worried that he might one day get sick of your shit and leave you forever? I mean, between the emasculating dresses you and Rarity like to give him, the hilarious abuse you make him suffer through, and his complete lack of self-esteem, it was pretty much only a matter of time before he tried to go off to join the great fax machine migration.

The thing I find most hilarious, however, is your surprising lack of precautions during your journey. I mean, you went off to see dragons, which are incredibly powerful beings who can breathe fire. Did it never occur to you that there might be some horrific danger? I mean, at the very least you should have learned some ice magic to fight against their fires and do some damage. Or better yet, bring along some fairies to do massive damage while being immune to dragon attacks.

Anyway, I’m glad the dragon-costume making lessons I gave to Rarity paid off. Aren't you proud of my new student? Also, I’m worried about the dangers of inbreeding in dragons, given that, in addition to your fax machine, we now have Crackle. That thing is so pathetic! I mean, it almost reminds me of…

Hey, Twilight? Do you by any chance have a dragon uncle?

Anyway, it’s nice to see that fax machine now has some companionship to keep him content in his miserable existence. Of course, he’s probably gonna end up fucking it up and drive the little bird away. Who’d want to live with him, anyway?

Your Dragon-loving former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Don't Fus Ro Fuck with me, young lady.

Hurricane Fluttershy

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Hurricane Fluttershy

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I support the water-theft scam that Cloudsdale is perpetrating. A town robbed of its water source will be forced to pay other towns for water while cutting back its funding on education, creating uneducated masses who are less likely to question big sister.

But anyway, I’m surprised Fluttershy didn’t try to fake having blue flu. I’m sure it would have been a lot more convincing, wouldn’t it? Of course, it might just have made her look like Rainbow Dash’s sister, which would have caused a whole lot of awkward questions once they got in bed together. Too bad they’re not interested in you.

Of course, if she really wanted to get out of tornado duty, she could have just hung out with all the sick ponies. I mean yeah, she’d actually be sick, but she wouldn’t have to do anything, now would she? And now that I think of it, that pegasus with the big muscles and the chicken wings should have done the same. I mean, with wings like those he’s gonna spend all his wingpower on just one tornado then never be able to fly properly again!

Anyway, kudos to you for trying to maintain a properly sanitary environment. Too bad you fucked it up and let everypony get sick. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to call President Mustangascar before he shuts down everything again.

Your Iron-hoofed ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Spitfire’s kind of a bitch, isn’t she?

Ponyville Confidential

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Ponyville Confidential

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

First of all, please lead me to this "Featherweight" so that I may give him a one-way ticket to the moon.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I need to ask you why ponies even bother printing newspaper. I mean, it’s quite obvious that nopony knows who you and your friends are even after you rescued Equestria twice. Given how everypony is clearly oblivious to the horrific threats that lurk all around them, it’s pretty obvious that nopony ever bothers to read anything. I mean, they’re not even that expensive, so it’s not like anypony can’t afford to learn anything. Maybe if we had some sort of device that could connect with others across vast distances to receive instant news updates, ponies would start to learn about what happens in the world?

…Nah. If I had one of those devices, I’d just use it to send immature insults to everypony I know. And I have a feeling everypony else would too.

Anyway, it sounds like a brilliant machine! I mean, we would all be hidden from sight, so we could be huge assholes to everypony else without any fear of retribution! And we could write stupid stories about our favorite shows and stuff! Heck, we could even receive all sorts of erotic materials without anypony ever knowing what we did behind our closed doors!

...Actually, I must leave you now. I need to find Applejack’s long-lost unicorn cousin, Apple Jobs, and convince him to create such a marvelous device. Along with a whole bunch of other ~~mind-controlling~~ labor-saving devices for everypony in Equestria.

Your Forum-loving former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Those three blank flanks sound like they’re gonna get in some deep shit. Oh well, sucks to be them.

MMMystery on the Friendship Express

Author's Note

Original letter here.

MMMystery on the Friendship Express

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Long ago, the desserts were prepared on-site, which made it far easier for the competitors to put their desserts together. Eventually, however, one competitor commented on how complex his design was, and how it would have collapsed on top of him en route. This made me realize just how many potential disasters were just waiting to happen in each bakery in the nation. Thus, I made it an official rule that all desserts had to be made at the bakers' hometown, then transported all the way to Canterlot. It has cause no end to the frustrations of thousands of bakers, and no end of hilarity to their efforts to make it here without destroying their precious works of art.

Still, I'm impressed that you and your friends went to such length to transport the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness across Ponyville. I mean, it would have been hilarious if all your levels of protection failed simultaneously and ended up covering you all in rich creamy goodness. Of course, you would probably have had a great time with that.

I'm not sure the competitors would have enjoyed it so much, however. In fact, I'm pretty sure you could have scared them all off the train simply by being your usual horny self. Nopony left to compete against the MMMM, problem solved. And you would have gotten yourself laid. But then again, you're probably too foolish to understand that.

Also, if you want to see the world through Pinkie's eyes, why not steal her drugs? I mean, we both know she's only like that because she's constantly high. Just go through her stash and find the bags labeled “Silent Film,” “Spy Film,” and “Ninja Film” and you will understand her point of view.

Now, let's talk about the competitors. I must admit, the descriptions of their desserts sound quite delicious. If they get another chance, I would certainly love to see them reproduce their efforts for me. Of course, I'd have to make sure nopony else was present, now that I've come to learn that everypony in Equestria is a sugar-crazy thief, a sabotage expert, and/or a jerk.

Still, the fact that they were able to combine the remains of their deceased desserts into a culinary masterpiece is an impressive feat. Not as impressive as Pinkie eating it all in one bite, but still not too shabby.

So, in summary, your thoughts amuse me, as does the image of Pinkie Pie pissing syrup.

Your cake-adoring former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Remind me to banish Pinkie to the moon for eating all my cake.

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 1

Author's Note

Original letter here.

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 1

Dear Twily:

First off, the world does not revolve around you. Canterlot is in danger, and it is my duty to protect it with my life. Sometimes that means I have to put off talking to my family, but if I didn't do it, I wouldn't even have a family, would I?

Obey Chrysalis...

Secondly, Cadance is a wonderful mare. She's kind, humorous, generous, honest, loyal, and she gives apple sacks to charity. Not to mention she's great in bed. In other words, Cadance is everything you're not.

Third, Princess Celestia thought it would be a wonderful idea to have all your friends help us get our wedding ready. If you have a problem with that, go tell her, not me. But given how you ditched her to live with those ponies you hate so much, I don't think she's going to pay much attention to you.

Glory to Chrysalis...

And for the record, you blackmailed me, you bitch. You watched me clop in bed at night, then took a photo and threatened to show everypony unless I helped you clop as well. I'm just glad you weren't crazy enough to actually try to rut me, or I'd still have scars today. I swear to Hasbro, you're the creepiest pony I've ever met.

And you know what? I'm glad you snapped at Cadance. Now everypony knows what a huge bitch you are and hopefully they'll never take anything you say seriously ever again. Hell, if Cadance drags you back down into hell, then that's even better because I'll never have to hear your bitching ever again.

The changelings shall rule all...

So, to sum it all up: fuck you. I'm marrying Cadance.

~~Love, your B.B.B.F.F.~~ Your B.B.W.E.E. (Big Brother Worst Enemy Ever) Shining Armor.

P.S.: Pegasus Diarrhea? Oh Hasbro, now I know why they don't allow anypony into the Rainbow Factory!

P.P.S.: All hail Queen Chrysalis.

A Canterlot Wedding, Part 2

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

The Crystal Empire, Part 1

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Crystal Empire, Part 1

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

If you need a spell to reverse memory-wiping, I happen to have one here with me. Unfortunately, I only share it with ponies who are actually loyal to me. So you’re basically screwed, and not in a good way.

But I digress. Your test is important because it will allow me to gauge how ready you are for my little master plan. If you pass, then you’ll be able to have a whole kingdom of meth all to yourself. If you fail… well, let’s just say that you and King Sombra will be roommates.

I wonder if he likes bananas?

As for Luna, it sucks to be her. After 1000 years her boyfriend is finally back, so of course she wants to go out and get some. Well, guess what, bitch? You spent the whole day of your niece’s wedding playing video games, so now you can spend the whole day of your boyfriend’s return playing video games!

Speaking of which, can I borrow your fax machine? I desire to set some of my sister's videogames on fire.

Anyway, I can’t help but think that you missed a great opportunity right there. Instead of gawking at your brother’s cosplay, you should have knocked him out, dragged him back to the train, then dragged him all the way with you to a faraway land where you could keep him as your sex slave. You would have escaped from everypony you hate, gotten out of this test, and condemned your friends to an icy death. Wouldn’t that have been hilarious?

No? Oh well. You could have waited until after you got your friends to look for information on the Crystal Empire, and then offered Cadance as a pony sacrifice to Sombra. Then, while he was distracted, you could ponynap your brother and make a run for it. If you ran fast enough, you could have made it out before I turned the Crystal Meth Empire into a lunar colony.

But then again, maybe all that drug-filled air was getting to you. It would explain the way everypony acted, and also why Rarity would be so willing to give Tom up as a rock sacrifice. As well as why you failed to see the conspicuous lack of a crucial page without which you and everypony in Methville is now doomed.

Oh well.

Your druglord overlord, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Has it never occurred to you that perhaps some of those crystals could be used on your brother?

Dear Shining Armor:

You should've married Twilight too; then you wouldn't be in this mess.

Your faithful overlord, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I've heard some of those crystals could be used on stallions to make them do their sister's bidding. Best be careful while you’re there.

My not-so beloved sister:

Must we repeat that Sombra was NOT our fucking boyfriend?! And we could not fight the Changelings because thou gavest us the blue flu!

Thy pissed sister, Luna.

The Crystal Empire, Part 2

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

First off, that crystal meth atmosphere must be getting to you head. It’s starting to affect your brain pretty badly.

Anyway, I’d like you to find that door and bring it to me. I can only imagine the horrible things that I will be able to see happening to you. Hopefully things that I can do without anypony but you realizing it.

But anyway, kudos to your friends for continuing the festivities even as an evil lord of darkness approached them. Especially Fluttershy. I’m honestly surprised she was brave enough to go into the jousting ring with Rainbow. Maybe next they should have asked her to sing.

But back to you now. Why are you talking to me about Luna?! I was your mentor, not her! Or are you saying that you’ve been taking lessons from her now? Oh well, I suppose since she’s the princess of the moon, she won’t have much trouble living there.

Also, you got outsmarted by a black cloud who speaks in crystalese and is obsessed with stairs. How pathetic can you get? Now Fax Machine gets to be a hero for once! At least he’s still as clumsy as ever, or I’d be pretty depressed right now.

Oh, and Shining Armor is really good at throwing things. Like his wife. At a baby dragon. Who is hundreds of yards away. Seriously, how is he not an athlete?!

Finally, I must admit that it's a pity the bald apes are extinct. From what I've heard, they sacrificed some of their own people to their false gods! While we all know that the one true God is King Hasbro, I must admit that's a sacrifice I could enjoy.

Your gleefully trollish former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I think I'll install a stained glass window of your Fax Machine at your library. I know how much you enjoyed seeing the one I have at the castle!

P.P.S.: Beware Cadance. She thinks you need to be sent to the rainbow factory.

Dear Princess Cadance:

I know that Twilight has been a bitch as of late, but I think you could probably help her a lot if you showed her some love like you did when she was a filly. Maybe if you took her on an educational tour through the rainbow factory you’ll see some of little Twilight come back?

Your very favorite aunt, Celestia.

P.S.: Please don’t worry if you get a letter from your doctor warning you about the presence of foreign magic in the memory centers of your brain. It’s probably just Twilight’s presence in your vicinity.

Too Many Pinkie Pies

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Magic Duel

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Magic Duel

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Saddle Arabians, despite their elegant look, are somewhat lacking in terms of brain cells. Not unlike earth ponies and unicorns, really. So all it takes is some magic woodland creature juggling to keep them distracted while we figure out how to appropriately screw over their people. Some ponies worry that this could lead to militant factions of Saddle Arabians, who will violently attack us in the name of justice or something like that. But let’s be honest: what are the odds of that happening?

Also, this “Trixie” pony reminds me of a pony I used to know named Sunset Shimmer. Nothing important, really, just something that brought up old memories.

But anyway, I must admit I'm impressed by how she managed to beat you. If she hadn't been so pathetic the last time you wrote about her, I would have been quite optimistic about my chances to obtain a new student. But then, those evil red eyes and magic aura would probably have been a dead giveaway that she was on steroids.

Of course, your duel must have been quite epic. Not as incredible as my battle with Chrysalis, of course, but pretty decent, at least. Too bad she didn't simply use that age spell on you. I'll bet she could have raised you to become a much better mare than you are now.

What worries me the most, however, is how much you have been relying on the lesser races recently. I mean, taking lessons from the zebra? Relying on the coward pegasus who thinks she can talk to animals for information? How low have you sunk, Twilight?

Also, I don't understand why Trixie would want to turn Ponyville into an independent country. I mean, it would be just one city lying within the Democratic Pony's Republic of Equestria, and I'm sure they'd easily be crushed by the Eternal President King Hasbro.

Fortunately we don't have to utterly humiliate her anymore since you did it for us. And then you gave the Saddle Arabians a rather pathetic show of your skills (Or lack of, thereof). Good thing Trixie was repentant enough to spice things up a bit. She might not be as good at magic as you, but she certainly has good taste.

Your completely Democratic and benevolent ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.:If you had used some of your references to pop culture to allure that showpony, you'd be having a "private" show right now. I guess you're not too smart, huh?

Sleepless in Ponyville

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Sleepless in Ponyville

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

HOLY MOTHER OF ME your dreams are so fucking hardcore!

I'm terribly sorry, Twilight, but I'm going to have to drug you. We really need your dreams.

Your soon-to-make-millions-off-the-porn-industry former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Say hi to the olden pony and the headless horse for me.

Dear Scootaloo:

Congratulations on obtaining a new older sister figure. Just make sure not to fuck up her flying lessons, or she might decide to take you on her take-your-sister-to-work-day tour.

Of course, it might not be so bad. We hear that the Rainbow Factory really likes flightless pegasi for some reason.

Thy new favorite princess, Luna.

Dear Rarity:

Seriously?! Using your own sister as slave labor?! That's low, even for you. Spike may be swayed by your charms, but I know better.

Your disgruntled un-sister, Sweetie Belle.

Dear Olden Pony:

How do you expect me to find your stupid horseshoe? I don't even have a head. And besides, if it's as rusty as you say it is, why don't you just buy a shiny new one?

Sincerely, the headless horse.

Wonderbolts Academy

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Wonderbolts Academy

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Are you serious? They accepted Rainbow into the Wonderbolt Academy?! Well, I guess the Wonderbolts' best days are now officially behind them. Especially since they kicked out that promising young recruit... what was her name? Thunder Powder, or something like that.

Anyway, don't worry about Pinkie's weird behavior. She was probably just high on lightning dust or something. Especially if she was charitable enough to want to personally deliver a care package. Which, come to think of it, would probably have way better stuff than the crap they serve in those academy cafeterias. Have you ever tasted that stuff?

I must say, you really made the right choice going off to deliver the package personally. I mean, how else could you have had a near-death encounter with a deadly twister? I can think of very few things I love more than watching you scream in terror as you fall towards your inevitable death. Of course, why Rainbow would bother to save you is beyond me.

But before I go any further, let me get one thing straight: you say that Rainbow managed to catch you... with a cloud? Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you supposed to fall right trough them unless you're a pegasus? How can you land on a cloud, let alone bounce on it? Did you secretly apply the cloud-walking spell onto yourself before falling on it? If so, then am I supposed to believe you also performed it on the others?

If so, then I'm glad you enjoy spending time with your friends so much! I should see if there are any other ways I can make you keep spending time with them.

Especially since Rainbow left you all on that floating island with no way down.

Your friend-appreciating former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Huge green gem? Oh please, next you'll say it's being guarded by a red echidna or something.

Dear Rainbow Dash:

I'm happy to see you have a little sister figure now! Just remember to follow my example for being a good big sister, and everything should be just fine!

Your sister-loving monarch, Princess Celestia.

Spike At Your Service

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Spike At Your Service

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I'm so very glad that you learned the importance of sharing your slave labor. It is such a beautiful thing to help others when you are oppressing the lower races.

But enough about your lessons in friendship. Please tell me more about the Dragon Code (or, as I prefer to call it, the Legendary Fax Machine User Manual). I need to figure out if it can tell me how to fix the faulty ones that forget they can breathe fire when confronted by a monster made entirely of flammable materials.

Then again, I guess a broken Fax Machine plus an inbred Dirtville pony are a recipe for hilarious disaster. I mean, they've clearly proven that two heads are not actually better than one, especially if both heads belong to beings on the lower end of the hierarchy. I kind of wish Applejack had put up with it longer, though, if only to watch the whole farm get burned to smithereens.

Still, I must admit I was highly amused by the fact that you didn't simply threaten to sic a bunch of fairies onto the dumb dragon. Or at least told him that, as a native of Ponyville, the Law of the Pony overrides the Law of the Xerox. Nope, just put together a bunch of shitty special effects and hope he doesn't notice all the glaring plot holes, almost like...

You wouldn't happen to be working with M. Neigh Shyamalan, would you?

Well, I guess you didn't really underestimate Fax Machine's intelligence, though. I mean, if he noticed the lack of bad breath but ignored everything else, then you probably could get away with the bad puppets. Of course, that doesn't mean you could get away from the timberwolves when they attacked. Luckily for Applejack, Fax Machine still has pretty good aim even if he can't even remember he can breathe fire. Seriously, how did he manage to get that little rock lodged in the monster's throat?

In the end, I suppose that all's well that ends well. You got your slave back, Applejack got rid of him, and everyone is happy. Except for the timberwolves who are currently providing warmth for the apple family living room, but they don't count.

Your former teacher who is always amused by the suffering of lesser beings, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: So you choke every time you try to blow a stallion? Wow, no wonder you can never get yourself laid.

Dear Rarity:

Stop breaking the fourth wall! That's MY job!

Your favorite pink drug addict, Pinkie Pie.

P.S.: Can I wear the mustache?

Keep Calm and Flutter On

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Keep Calm and Flutter On

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Once again, I must thank you for releasing me from my carbonite encapsulation. It was certainly enjoyable to not have to suffer for a crime I was wrongly accused of, for it was Princess troll-girl who shot first, not me.

It's a shame you're such a dick, though. I must admit that your ass looked quite attractive, but Fluttershy's is just as nice, plus she's much friendlier. I'm so glad that troll-girl assigned her and not you to be my parole officer. I know we're going to have lots of fun together, and you're not going to be invited!

Oh well, I hope you enjoy your long nights of solitude.

But enough about my soon-to-be-awesome sex life. I really think she needs to remodel her home. And not just because it doesn't look like something from H. C. Escher's dreams. I'm talking about the fact that everything in here is made for animals, not ponies or draconequuseseseseses. I mean, why is she so obsessed with taking care of them? Especially that white rabbit. I swear it's more evil than troll-girl ever accused me of being.

Bad designs notwithstanding, I'd say it was quite an excellent dinner party, wouldn't you agree? Especially the part where I made all the dishes come to life. I even had a whole musical number planned for the night, but then a mouse in red underwear threatened to sue me for copyright infringement. Well, he'd better hope the moon is made of cheese, because I'm telling troll-girl.

It probably wouldn't have lasted long, anyway. Not with that fluffy little hell spawn coming in to rat me out. Okay, so maybe I made the beavers declare war on ponykind. So what? It's not like troll-girl would have a problem with that. I mean, she clearly enjoyed dropping space rocks onto the stone-age dragons, so what's stopping her from doing the same to the beavers?

Still, it did get boring after a while, so I decided we needed to change the atmosphere a bit. After I kindly asked Fluttershy not to zap me with her element, I created the world's best ice rink! Did I mention that I'm a champion of figure skating? Well, I don't need to tell you, the judges certainly enjoyed it!

Alas, Fluttershy did not. And so she threatened to leave me forever if I didn't stop it. At first I wasn't particularly bothered. I mean, everypony in this town is either stupid, evil, or has serious issues, so why would I care if they left me alone? Of course, I quickly realized that, if she left, I'd never get a chance to tap that sweet, butterfly-stickered ass. And so, I reluctantly made everything turn back to normal.

Of course, troll-girl thinks that I've been “reformed.” That would be true if I had ever been evil. I'm just a guy trying to make the world a fun place to live. Is that so bad? Let's be honest, if anypony here needs to be reformed, it's you. You need to stop being such a stuck-up, selfish bitch and be nice for a change.

Love, Discord.

P.S.: Forget the "love" part.

Just For Sidekicks

Original letter here.

Dear Fax Machine:

You suck too. You know why? Because those dragon eggs aren't actually meant to hatch. They're supposed to be unfertilized eggs, like the ones we eat for breakfast. What we actually test for is how well students take failure, and Twilight did not take it too well. Unfortunately, your egg had actually been fertilized, so it hatched just as Rainbow began to fart out her first rainbow. Thus, the timing of your hatching made everyone think that Twilight was good at magic, so I was forced to take her as my student even though she had proven she was completely undeserving of that role.

As you may imagine, I was not happy about having to teach that ungrateful little cunt. As a result, there are literally no words to explain how much I enjoy watching you fail at everything in your pathetic little existence. And since nopony will ever believe you, (with the possible exception of Twilight, who is never going to help you anyway,) I can safely tell you about all the ways that I have screwed you over these past few days.

First off, that uncontrollable tongue? Yeah, totally my fault. When I sent the letter telling Twilight to go to Crystal Methville, I put a spell in it that would make your tongue develop a mind of its own, causing it to eat all your gems before you could ever get the chance to properly use or even taste them.

Secondly, I put explicit instructions in the letter forbidding you from going along with them. The excuse I used was that you could potentially eat all the crystals there. Which, given your crazy tongue action, is pretty reasonable.

Oh, yeah. I also told them they couldn't take their pets. I must admit, I was worried that they might have sent them all to sleep at a vet clinic or something. But then I remembered that they all like watching you suffer just as much as I do, and so I just went with it.

Also, I bribed the zebra to steal one of your gems. And also the blank flanks. I didn't have to do anything about Angel, though, because I knew he was evil enough to screw you over in all sorts of ways that I can barely even imagine.

So, yeah. In the end, your life is pathetic and you are destined to suffer forever. And I can't help you, because you screwed me over, so now I only wish to screw you over.

Forever a slaver, Princess Celestia.

Author's Note

I've already taken Alternative Character Interpretation, Celestia the Death Eater, and Discord in Leather Pants (which applies to Chrysalis as well) to outrageous levels. Why stop now?

Games Ponies Play

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Games Ponies Play

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Yes, you paid Fax Machine to take care of your owl. Pretty dumb if you ask me. But then again, I guess you're just a unicorn. Not that you'll have to worry about that for too long.

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just thinking out loud.

Anyway, if you don't want him around, you could always give him to me. It would give me a great way to deal with crystal pony dissenters. After all, they're rather hard to crush up in rainbow factories.

So, let's talk about your visit. You were trying to convince the inspector that the next Equestrian Hunger Games should be held in the Crystal Empire, right? So I guess that you'd be trying extremely hard to get the inspector to have a good first impression?

Or maybe you're actually trying to screw Cadance over?

I mean, let's be honest. That tour you and your friends gave was so blatantly varnished, rehearsed, and biased, that anypony with half a brain cell would instantly have noticed something fishy. Given the kind of pony that you are, I guess you were doing this deliberately in order to prevent the Dragon Chow ponies from getting their chance to show off their shiny city to the world.

Of course, you just had to give that tour to a pony with no brain cells whatsoever. And she gave it to the inspector. Of course, the fact that you had abandoned an important government pony right when you were supposed to pick her up would almost certainly have destroyed any chance Crystal Methville would have had of hosting the Equestrian Hunger Games. So, really, you had two simultaneous events that could prevent Cadance from ever having anypony's respect ever again.

But unfortunately, you never passed any of your math classes, and so you never understood that negatives multiplied by negatives always give a positive outcome. And so, while either one of those events could have prevented Crystal Methville from hosting the games, together they ensured that the games will take place right there.

Happy Hunger Games. And may the odds be ever in your favor.

Your eternally varnishing, rehearsing, and biasing former teacher, Princess Celestia

P.S.: I'm honestly surprised you haven't had Cadance locked up in one of those underground mines and married Francis or whatever your brother's name is.

P.P.S.: That porcupine manestyle would be totally killer. I think we should have some of the tributes- I mean athletes- wear it.

Magical Mystery Cure

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

You have no idea how intensely I hate you. The fires of my hate could probably burn up the sun that I raise every day. Indeed, I wonder whether what I'm about to do is logical, given what an insufferable little cunt you are.

However, if there is one thing that outweighs the hate I feel for you, it's the amount of pleasure that I derive from watching everypony around you suffer. Especially your fax machine. And thus, I have decided that the benefits of my new plan are more than enough to compensate for the drawbacks.

So, yeah. I'm really glad you enjoyed that book I sent you. In fact, I'm going to see how many more I can get for you, just to see how badly you can screw with everypony around you. I mean, I knew that the book would screw everything up, but this is just rich! I don't even know where to begin!

So, to choose a random pony, let's talk about Rarity. Can you please explain to me how she's capable of controlling the weather? I'm pretty sure only pegasi and alicorns can do that. And even if that wasn't true, wouldn't she need to fly to be able to do so? Of course, given what happened the last time she was given wings, it's probably for the best.

Speaking of wings, Rainbow Dash got stuck with the animals. Which makes me wonder: why does everypony who ends up taking care of animals have to be a pegasus? I mean, isn't that a job better suited for an earth pony? Seriously, it's like Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were once intended to be earth ponies, but some higher power fucked up and gave them wings. Of course, the notion of a being mightier than King Hasbro is laughable, at best. If he decides that somepony needs to go, they're doomed.

(He's been saying stuff about some Mash pony, though I'm not too familiar with that at the moment).

Next, Fluttershy. I can't say I'm surprised she didn't entertain anypony. I mean, she probably wasted most of her time trying to convince everypony to join PETA in order to get rid of some of the excess animals that she has to take care of. Of course, this is a bit confusing, given that she doesn't have to take care of those animals anymore. Maybe she retained some memories of her former self?

Anyway, can you explain to me how Pinkie can be so bad at working on farms? I mean, didn't she grow up on a rock farm? Or does rock farming require something completely different from apple farming? I mean, I honestly don't know much about farming, (except for the exact amount of taxation required to drive an average farm to bankruptcy, of course,) so I probably couldn't be relied on to provide information on rock farming.

And finally, the other farmer. I must admit, I can never imagine an earth pony creating dresses. I mean, a unicorn like Rarity has magic to help her with the construction of dresses. What do earth ponies have? Hooves and mouths? Oh yes, they must be so great for sewing!

I must admit, seeing all this is extremely exciting for me. I mean, it proved once and for all that Ponyville is doomed. And more importantly, it proved that you absolutely suck at trying to make it better. In fact, you could have easily taken a moment to write a report on how it's impossible to polish a turd. And even if you can, that doesn't change the fact that it's still a turd.

Still, if those rabid animals were going to try to eat Rainbow Dash, then maybe it was for the best that Fluttershy got back to them. I can't help but wonder how they would have prepared her, though; maybe they were going to lock her in a dungeon and butcher her to make some delicious pastries? I suppose we'll never know.

Of course, I suppose you'd have to change the weather back to normal. Which is all fine and dandy, but why can't you keep those cool patterns? It would at least give that little cesspool of a town something to attract tourists with. Then you could sell some of those ugly excuses for dresses as souvenirs or something. Preferably ones labeled “I survived the Great Cutie Mark Switcheroo of 2013” or something like that. But no, Rainbow and Rarity have to go back to normal.

Whatever. Please tell me that you at least took the opportunity to enslave the earth pony farmers. No? How very pathetic.

Oh, yeah. And you drugged Pinkie up enough to get her to cheer up everypony. But why? I mean, those muddy ponies deserved to be miserable. I mean, they are clearly a whole bunch of inbred hicks who will never amount to anything in their life. There is literally no hope for them at all.

And, having observed the events unfolding around you today, all I have to say is-

“Congratulations, Twilight. I knew this was hopeless.”

“Princess! What the hell do you want? What did I do?”

Dear Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash:

You must be so very happy now! I mean, not only does your pathetic little town have its very own princess, but it's also your very best friend! I almost feel jealous!

Almost.

And guess what? You're still going to throw the biggest celebration in Ponyville's history! After all, it's not every day that a cesspool full of inbred freaks gets its very own princess!

Finally, you should all take this opportunity to learn from her. After all, she has learned much from me, and her wisdom might one day lead you to greatness.

Probably not, though. But it's the thoughts that count!

Your kind and benevolent ruler, Princess Celestia.

Dear Fax Machine:

Please don't put too much stress on your vocal chords. It's not healthy, you know.

And besides, it could be worse. You could have been transformed into a dog or something. Now that would have been humiliating!

And don't be absurd. Dragons rising up against me? Bah. I committed genocide against the ancient dragons 65 million years ago by dropping a bunch of space rocks on them. And that's before their evolutionary path screwed them over by making them allergic to fairies. Do you really think your friends are going to intimidate me?

Sorry, Xerox. You're stuck with the bitch queen for all of eternity. And I'm going to enjoy every second.

Your dragon-slaying oppressor, Princess Celestia.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Congrats on the promotion. Can't wait to hear how you fuck that up.

Love, Discord.

P.S.: Could you be so kind as to give me a tiny glass of water?

Dear Auntie Celestia:

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!

You made Twilight an alicorn?! And a princess?!

Do you realize what this is going to do to her ego?! It's already too big to be considered safe! This is going to cause it to become so massive it will collapse into a black hole and suck in everypony around her! …Which is probably what she wants, now that I think about it.

Because of this, among other things, I've come to realize that there is no hope for Equestria. If you don't mind, Shining Armor and I are going to cut off the Crystal Empire from the rest of Equestria forever. Have your Hunger Games in Cloudsdale or something. I hear Rainbow Dash has wanted it to be there since she was a baby.

Your thoroughly disappointed niece, Princess Cadance Not-Evil-Good-Pony.

My not-so beloved sister:

You made Twilight a Princess. Fan-fucking-tastic. Now everypony is going to fawn over her and forget I even exist.

I am considering allying with Chrysalis to assassinate you and your little bitch. I would most certainly make a better ruler than you or her.

Your eternally-pissed sister, Luna.

Dear Princess Celestia:

How dare you make somepony else a princess?! I was your student first! That title should have been mine, dammit!

Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s that your hard work won’t get you anywhere, and if you want something, you have to take it by force.

Well then, I guess I know what I’m going to do next. And trust me; you’re going to get what you deserve.

Your former student, Sunset Shimmer.

Author's Note

Welp, I've gotten all the way through Season 3!

Let's see how much longer we can go! (hint: Probably as long as milesprower06 can)

Magical Mystery Cure (Addendum)

THE FOAL FREE PRESS
RAMPAGING DRAGON ATTACK CAUSES GREAT TRAGEDY AT BBBFF CONCERT!

Today, just a few hours after the coronation of Princess Twilight Sparkle, a disaster fell upon the BBBFF anniversary tour. A humongous purple dragon stampeded through the venue, causing massive death and destruction. Although the exact numbers have yet to be confirmed, the estimated death toll sits at 2000 ponies.

The dragon, who had been screaming about how he was now doomed to be a slave to a sex goddess forever, was defeated when it accidentally snorted a wayward group of breezies, but not before it was able to kill thousands, including four of the five band members.

“I’m incredibly lucky to have made it out alive,” says Shining Armor, the only surviving member of BBBFF, better known by his stage name ‘Francis Sparkle.’ “Cadance was arguing that, since my sister is now poised to overthrow the Solar Empire, we should escape to the Crystal Empire and close off all communications with the outside world. I disagreed, if only because I had my band members who needed me. Now that they’re all dead, though, I have nothing left here.”

“And Twily,” he adds. “If you’re reading this, stay the hell away from me.”

“Yeah,” says Cadance. “Auntie Celestia, we’re going to leave forever. Please stay out.”

While there seems to be no risk of further dragon attacks, ponies are already petitioning Princess Celestia to create giant robots to fight off the kaiju menace. The Princess has refused, however, stating that the taxpayer bits required to create such a machine would be better spent on building walls, which would be far more effective at keeping monsters out.

Stay tuned as we reveal more information concerning the danger of the gypsy bard Pie, as well as the recent debate over the ownership of the Golden Oaks Library.

Author's Note

Blame this on a comment made by milesprower06 on the original letter.

Oh, and Guillermo del Toro, I guess.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Golden Oaks Library Scandal!

Author's Note

Original chapter here. And yes, I'm doing the hiatus chapters too.

Am I biting off more than I can chew? Absolutely :trollestia:

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Golden Oaks Library Scandal!

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I was highly amused by the fact that Mayor Mare tried to sell your library job. Her stupidity almost reminds me of those dumb bald apes who used to infest this planet.

But I digress. Why are you even bothering to keep that old shack? I mean, since you're now a princess, you could easily have the mayor executed and take her home as your own. It seems that, while you may have the body of an alicorn, you still have the brain of a unicorn. So everything worked out in the end.

Also, I understand that nopony ever bothered to bring any charges against the mayor. Not that it would have mattered in the long run. After all, nopony has ever been arrested in the entire history of Equestria. I mean, if you want to get technical, Discord got stoned, Luna was mooned, and her boyfriend got a 1000-year brain freeze (which, in hindsight, is probably why he could only speak in crystalese) before getting turned into powdered glue.

So, in a nutshell, I humbly welcome you to the world of Equestrian politics. I'm sure you'll be able to find all sorts of ways to screw citizens over while making yourself wealthy and powerful.

Your politically-experienced superior, Princess Celestia.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Do not listen to my sister, for she only follows our father's path. Also, she won't stop insisting that Sombra was my boyfriend. We went out on one date. ONE DATE.

Admittedly, I do regret the fact that birth control had yet to be invented at the time.

Your disgruntled equal, Princess Luna.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: The Shawflank Redemption

Author's Note

Original Chapter Here.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: The Shawflank Redemption

Dear Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle:

You're still not allowed anywhere near the Castle. And especially not near Discord.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Cutie Markers:

Howdy do! I'm so glad to talk to you once more! I must admit, I'm still very grateful that you liberated me from that statue. Standing in a single position does tend to get boring, and I kind of ran out of things to think about after the first decade or so.

Anyway, I hear that your friend the dodo is stuck in prison. Kind of surprising, if you ask me. After all, older ponies never get sent to prison (unless you want to count the moon or an iceberg as a prison), and yet the princesses have no problem sending foals there. I suppose I could help you, but honestly I don't know if that's worth my time.

Another thing I've heard is that you're all obsessed with obtaining your magic butt stickers. Well worry no more! I, Discord, can make your quest come to fruition with the snap of my talon! ...as long as you sign a contract stating that you shall be my slaves for the rest of eternity. And don't mind having my beautiful face on your butts for the rest of your life.

If all this seems just a bit daunting to you, I could always give you the simpler alternative: I hear you have a newspaper. I have some very interesting stories to tell, but I'm very picky when it comes to who I'm willing to share them with. That said, you three have already proven yourselves to be friendly enough, what with liberating me and all. So, for the sake of our friendship, I shall give you what I believe will be a sure front-pager!

Your eternally grateful interviewee, Discord.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Exclusive! Discord Explains It All!

Original chapter here.

Dear Princess Twilight:

So, I’ll bet you’re wondering about your chances of getting laid. Well, in case you haven’t read the latest edition of the Foal Free Press, they’re pretty much zilch. After all, Celly only chooses ponies who are even worse in bed than she is, because it makes her feel better about herself. So good luck finding somepony to be your sex buddy. You’re gonna need it.

But let’s talk about positive things. After all, there is still much that you don’t know about my past. There has been plenty of speculation from pretty much everypony, including yourself. And there are so many different theories, all of which try to explain why I’m doing what I do. So which, if any, is true?

Well, to be perfectly honest, my dear Twilight, I have no idea. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another; if I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!

But let’s see some of the more common theories. First off: I was Princess Celestia’s lover, who cheated on her with Luna, which resulted in my stoning and her banishment. I'll admit, this is my favorite theory by far, because it proves what a sexy beast I am. Of course, I also happen to know that Celly outlawed cross-species romance hundreds of years before my stoning, so that may be a problem for that theory. Of course, knowing Celly, she probably wouldn't give a fuck about her own laws.

Next up: I was attempting to create a happy world where ponies could live without having to fear the solar tyrant, and could do whatever they want without being enslaved by their magic butt stickers. Of course, Celly didn't like it, so she turned me into a weeping draconequus. I like this one too, because it shows how oppressive Celly was and how I worked hard to break the monotony of her psychotic rule. Unfortunately, it also shows that there were some ponies who didn't know how to appreciate chocolate milk swimming pools. Seriously?! What, did they not have enough whipped cream to go with it?!

Another one that's cropped up recently: I did chaotic things while eating burnt-up sunflower seeds, and so I was distracted when she fired the elements at me. I have no idea how this one came about. I mean, why would I eat sunflower seeds? Much less burnt seeds. They suck. And honestly, why waste time with seeds when there are so many different kinds of chaos I could do? Yeah, I'd say there's no way that one's gonna turn out to be right.

So, yeah. Those are the theories behind my turning into stone. Which one do you prefer?

Love, your favorite chaos lord.

Author's Note

Because milesprower06, the show, and I all have different theories on what made Celestia freeze Discord in carbonite.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: The Return of Queen Chrysalis, Part 1

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: The Return of Queen Chrysalis, Part 1

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Yeah, I just made a huge mistake. Of all the ponies I could have kidnapped, it had to be three little braindead pigs. Can you explain how you put up with them?

The worst part is that I need them alive if I want to bring your idiot minions here and feast on their love until they're nothing but soulless shells. If you disagree with that plan, you can ask yourself: do you honestly thing they're better off as they are now? Don't you agree that they would be much better off as soulless shells? Don't tell me you disagree, you know full well they're all beyond any hope of salvation anyway.

But anyway: we just barely survived your brother tossing us out of Canterlot. And yet, we managed to survive. After all, we are not just members of the changeling kingdom; we are family. By working together, we shall overcome every single challenge we are confronted with. And once our plan comes together, the Solar Tyrant shall fall, and the changelings will once again live in our rightful home!

That said, it seems that your junkie friend managed to neutralize several of my soldiers. Then again, they weren't exactly the best soldiers in my army, so no biggie. Fortunately, I've made sure that you can't communicate with the Troll Daughter, thus ensuring our victory. Of course, once we take over, I'm pretty sure I can convince you to join us. I know how much you hate your former mentor, Twilight, why not join me? Once all is said and done, together we can rule Equestria as... well, I'm sure we'll figure that part out eventually.

Please hurry up, though. These three stooges are getting on my nerves.

Your future mentor (hopefully), Queen Chrysalis.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Discord's New Business

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Summer Sun Celebration

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Summer Sun Celebration

Dear Discord:

You are not allowed to hold any of your wrestling matches at the same time as the Summer Sun Celebration. They would distract from our own event.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia:

Why do you care if a few ponies don't attend? Especially since I recall you and your student referring to them as “mud ponies” and other such variations. Plus, the non-ponies need something to entertain themselves with.

Love, Discord, EWE General Manager.

Dear Discord:

Thanks for the invite. I'll be glad to go see your show, although I'd probably be happier if they could feature having ponies dropped into a pit and struggling to escape from an ursa minor or something.

Sincerely, Spike.

Dear Spike:

I could probably think of something.

Love, Discord.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Are You A Spy?

Original chapter here.

Dear Princess Celestia:

I honestly don't see why ponies are getting all worked up over the government sifting through their mail. I mean, it's not like anypony is interesting enough for us to spend our days spying on every little thing they do. Seriously, why should they care if we read every letter about how they watched their kittens doing cute things with string? Do they seriously think that we're going to bother looking into that?

With that said, I'm sure there are things that may be a bit more justifiable. For example, I'm sure some ponies may write long, graphic depictions of all the various things that they experienced when having sex. Honestly, if I was sending that through the mail, I'd be worried. Hell, you know how I freaked out when Luna tried to invade my wet dreams. Of course, there is no way I would send that sort of information through the mail anyway. And honestly, anypony dumb enough to mail that deserves to be spied on.

What does that leave? Sensitive information, apparently. But what counts as “sensitive”? Does it mean that information has feelings and empathy and stuff? Or it it pressurized and ready to explode at the slightest prodding?

Am I just mocking you at this point?

Maybe you just mean news about how somepony's gonna bomb the castle or something. Yeah, but are terrorists really dumb enough to not realize their letters may be intercepted? I mean, I'm pretty sure they have some sort of secret code to describe how they want their missions to be carried out without alerting the authorities. How else can you explain my fifth birthday party?

So, in short, I don't see why ponies care about this, but I also don't see how spying on ponies' mail is going to solve anything.

Your irritated fellow Princess, Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: If you find anything erotic, have it sent to me for, ah, analysis.

P.P.S.: I am intrigued by this “Flash Sentry” pony. If he is captured, I wish to deal with him myself.

Author's Note

Yeah, I decided to skip over the "anniversary" chapters, for a couple of reasons.
1- The first one was just Twilight responding to fan-letters. I didn't really know what to do with that.
2- The other one was milesprower06 "The Cupcake Chronicles", which, honestly, I don't really know how to respond to that one. I might do so someday, though.
3- This story doesn't have the same anniversary as that one :trollestia:

So, yeah.

Also, Twilight hasn't had yellow cake since her fifth birthday.

Equestria Girls

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Equestria Girls

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

First off, I'm glad you had so much fun in the human world. Unfortunately, having heard everything you've told me about what lurks beyond the mirror, I've realized we must blow up the portal and make sure they do not escape. I know you'll be unhappy that you can never go back, but it's for the best. The last time a portal between dimensions opened, we had 300-foot-tall monsters tearing the Golden Gallop Bridge apart.

Also, the purpose of the Summit was to figure out what you could do. But what could you do that the three already-existing alicorns can't? I mean, I raise the sun, my sister raises the moon, and Cadance keeps everypony happy through hot steamy sex. So each of us has a kingdom. As for you? Truth be told, you're kind of the disposable princess. Or maybe you're the backup princess?

Whatever. The point is, you have about as much a chance of getting your own kingdom as Tirek has of escaping Tartarus.

Also, did you say that Applejack and Rainbow Dash were your neighbors? Well, I, for one, had no idea at all how that happened. After all, I gave each pony her own room.

So, I'm betting you have a lot of questions about Sunset Shimmer. First of all, she was better at you in pretty much every aspect. Also, while she was kind of a bitch, she at least never tried to usurp my rule. Of course, unlike you, she was smart enough to remember what happened to my sister. And she made sure never to insult me to my face.

I miss her.

But enough focusing on the past. Instead, let's talk about our security. Why do we only have one guard to protect all four princesses? I don't know. Why do we have guards at all? I mean, Luna and I raise the sun and moon, Cadance thwarted a changeling invasion with a horngasm, and you carry the element of magic. So, when you think about it, no matter how many guards we have, they're all pretty much useless.

That said, we probably should have some sort of security measure to get rid of petty thieves. Maybe we should put curses on our vault doors that suck in would-be thieves and imprison them. I'd make sure to check the vaults for trapped vandals once every ten years or so.

Admittedly, I'd be a bit sad if it happened to Sunset, though. That said, she's trapped in the mirror world now, so... maybe I'll check on her one of these years.

Also, about that whole “upset the balance of two worlds” thing: I lied. I was hoping that you'd be trapped in there forever. Your friends and I would all be saved, and you'd have the illusion that you were doing something good for Equestria. Alas, you managed to recover your crown. So that's one plan that didn't quite pan out.

Anyway, your Fax Machine must be pretty desperate if he's going to jump into an alternate reality just to get some of the credit. Or maybe you really did succeed in breaking him. Either way, tell me what you did so that I may do the same to my loyal subjects.

And please don't refer to the humans as marketing ploys. You make it sound like there's a higher being that appropriates our name and image to make money, and I can assure you there is no greater power than my father, King Hasbro. It's almost as stupid as the “Alternate plane of Equestria” idea.

No, seriously. I'm quite insulted by the idea that there's a world where I'm nothing more than a school principal. I mean, the most I'd be able to do would be give everypony... everyhuman... whatever. I'd give students failing grades.

Oh, great, you have proof. I'm not sure it's believable, though. I mean, why in King Hasbro's name would a bunch of bald apes give their children names like “Pinkie Pie”, “Applejack”, or “Fluttershy”? I mean, they can create such great things like computers and mechanical fax machines to replace their now-extinct dragons. Can't they put as much thought into the names of their children as they do into their society?

Then again, given what little I know about this world, it's probably already doomed. And it's not just what you've told me about the “Internet”, “Social Networking Sites”, and adult males who believe it is socially acceptable to sexualize characters from female child shows. You see, a few years ago an artifact called a “DVD player” fell through, along with a couple of circular objects. And what I saw horrified me. One was about how they somehow managed to get enslaved by an even stupider race with a big gold fetish. Another was a montage of boring scenes of humans standing around and talking about politics, occasionally punctuated by an incredibly annoying long-tongued, long-eared, stupid-voiced... thing. But the absolute worst one was about a hero who resembled our great hero, the Bat-mane. Just to give you an idea of how bad it was: they gave him a Bat-Credit Card. Yes. Those monsters had the balls to give one of the greatest heroes of all time a Bat-Credit Card.

This reinforces my belief that we must close that portal up ASAP. But then again, you've clearly found something positive about those apes. And I'm very happy you enjoyed having fingers, because they sure sound like a lot of fun. That said, I may or may not have placed a magic-nullifying spell on your crown to prevent you from turning your hooves into fingers. Have fun!

But back to your adventure. I'm sure you've found out just how brilliant Sunset is. Is there any doubt as to why I took her under my wing? I mean, she's a master manipulator, easily convincing her whole world that you are an incompetent screwup (which, admittedly, is quite true), and also separating the school into factions so that no one could oppose her directly, made all the more impressive by the fact that humans have no cutie marks. After all, with cutie marks ponies immediately know their place. Without them, humans could probably choose to be whoever they want to be. What a frightening thought.

And yes, I shudder to think what the two of you could have done if you teamed up.

Even so, you did a rather good job of reuniting the human versions of your friends. Especially with Rainbow and Applejack. Though that does beg the question of why they never bothered to confirm that the e-mails and text messages they received actually came from the ponies that supposedly sent them. After all, if Applejack and Rainbow had gone to talk to each other to ask why they weren't helping each other out, they would've realized they were being played for fools, and Sunset's plan would have collapsed. Then again, given that this seems to be an alternate Equestria, their intelligence probably isn't up to much.

Anyway, I think we should probably think about opening a few Starbucks here in our Equestria. They sound pretty convenient. Especially if they allow you to gain valuable insight into the past love life of your arch-rivals. I mean, it's not like you could have learned anything else about Flash any other way. Of course, the fact that Sunset just happened to be dating some guy who looked like your brother opens up a whole lot of questions.

I can almost imagine those bald apes writing a bunch of stories to answer them.

That is a matter we can discuss later. For now, I'm going to ask why Rarity just happened to be carrying a bunch of accessories to make humans resemble ponies. It's almost like some of them fantasize about becoming furry creatures or something. I'm telling you, they're beyond any hope of salvation. That said, they must really enjoy music, especially if they managed to come up with something that made and entire cafeteria full of high school students get up and dance.

And once again, Sunset demonstrates her brilliance by tricking Luna into thinking you were a criminal. This, of course, begs the question on why she had to trick her in the first place. I mean, she could have simply looked up some evidence of your campaign of genocide against the buffalo, thus showing that you were a psychopath unsuitable for princesshood. I mean, knowing you, you probably brought them along with you. Of course, given how he seems to be just as determined to get laid as you, Flash would probably have found some way to disprove it anyway. I do wish I could find some way to punish him.

Maybe I'll seek out his counterpart in our universe.

Anyway, I'm quite surprised you were cool with telling your friends you were secretly a pony. I mean, wouldn't they have freaked out, then turned you over to their government to be dissected? But whatever. At least you got them to help you restore the gym in time for the dance. And you even managed to get a guy legitimately interested in you for the first time in your life. Congrats. I can't wait to see how you fuck this up.

Oh wait, you've told me already: Sunset stole your crown and turned into a duplicate of Tirek's mother. And then she used her powers to turn all the students into zombies. Which she will then use to take over Equestria. I kind of think this would be a lot of fun, honestly; I would probably pretend to freak out over seeing her army of alien teenagers, then drop the sun on them.

As for the elements, they're strange like that. Sometimes they imprison evil beings, and sometimes they just make them regret what they did. Regardless, the elements are pretty awesome. They gave you and your friends superpowers and turned you into pony-human hybrids. Can you imagine what else they could do if you used the for even longer? They'd probably make you turn rainbow or something. Then again, that sounds like the stupid marketing ploy you mentioned earlier.

And yes, after saving the world, everything can be solved by having a dance party. Which must be really awesome if there is a group of human-pony freaks there to dance with you. Oh, and the person who just brainwashed everyone is just left there to help fix things, rather than taken by the police or something. Yeah, seems legit.

So, overall, it's been entertaining to read all about your little escapade on the planet of the apes. One last thing I should warn you about, though: these “religions” of which you speak are strictly forbidden here in Equestria, for they encourage the worship of false prophets who defy the one true god, King Hasbro. Therefore, I'm afraid you shall be stoned.

Your atheist former teacher, Princess Celestia

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Bandwagon

Original letter here.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

Don't tell Button. He'll freak out.

Ah, who am I kidding? Of course you're going to tell him. So please just record his reaction so we can post it on Equestria's Funniest Home videos.

Excitedly awaiting your videos, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I'm actually kind of jealous of her. I'm going to have to talk to my father about this.

Author's Note

Trivia: at 26 words, the original letter is one word shorter than the one for "A Bird in the Hoof", making it the shortest chapter of all.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Canterlot Shutdown

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Canterlot Shutdown

Dear Princess Twilight:

So, your version of health care is to turn every unicorn into a prostitute? Wow, that's brilliant.

I mean, haven't you ever heard of herpes? Or gonorrhea? Or PIV? I'm pretty sure most STDs are immune to healing spells. So instead of healing everypony, they'd just be spreading their various diseases all around Equestria and beyond. And given the current state of our own government, I have better things to do than convince President Mustangascar not to shut everything down again.

Of course, I'm not exactly fond of Luna's plan for universal health care. I mean, we don't need to provide health care for the non-ponies, or even the earth ponies and pegasi. And besides, Luna's plan would cost a lot of money. Not to mention it's so much more fun to see ponies with the blue flu begging on the streets.

Of course, I might eventually simply give in to Luna's demands and just have everypony get their healthcare. Then I'll go ahead and test it out by playing a pony-sized Whack-A-Mole game.

Your healthy fellow Princess, Celestia.

To my most detested sister:

Have you no shame?

Your disgruntled sister, Luna.

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Part 1

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I'm afraid my aunt is unable to answer at the moment, so I'll have to write this for her. Believe me, she needs this vacation after constantly having to put up with your shit.

First off, I'm glad that you're learning how to fly, because there is absolutely no way that I am ever letting Shining Armor toss you again. I know exactly what you were thinking when he grabbed you, and I'm not going to allow you to take advantage of him. Go stalk Flash.

Also, don't you dare think that just because you're a princess we're going to let you leave Ponyville. That little cesspool is your home. If you want a castle, build one there. Otherwise, don't get used to living in a palace, because you're going straight back to your little tree at the end of this. On the positive side, I'm sure your friends will be really happy about having you back!

But enough about that. I'm willing to bet you have something to do with the sudden disappearance of Celestia and Luna. I mean, let's be honest here; a third princess (one who bears a notable grudge against the eldest princess, no less) arrives in Canterlot, and suddenly the two older ones vanish without a trace. I mean, is that not an immediate alarm bell?! But no, the ponies of Canterlot decide that they have to turn to her for advice during this difficult time! Oh yes, because she's a princess, and so she's obviously as wise as the other two and more than capable of leading the nation! Yes, I see no way this could possibly go wrong!

Oh, wait, that's right. You bailed and went back to your little cesspool the moment things began to get ugly. And then, to prove how clever you are, you summoned Discord, the lord of chaos and the guy who is almost certainly responsible for all our current problems. Clearly Princess Twilight Sparkle is a great role model for little girls everywhere.

But enough about your obvious inability to be a proper ruler. Instead, let's talk about your love of drugs. I mean, when a zebra who you obviously distrust gives you a bottle of a mysterious substance, what do you do? Well, obviously you drink it, even though you have no idea what it's going to do!

But, then again, seeing how you got to experience an argument between my aunts, maybe the potion really was exotic dragon semen. Or just milk laced with LSD.

~~Love,~~ Princess Cadance Not-evil Good-pony

P.S.: Did you know that drinking dragon cum has been known to cause alicorn wings and horns to fall off?

Author's Note

Well, I've made it to season 4. Shouldn't take too long to catch up now.

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Part 2

Original letter here.

Dear Princess Twilicorn:

Remember all those “don't do drugs” PSAs you saw when you were a filly? No? I didn't think so, given how many gallons of LSD-loaded milk you chugged today.

Or was it Fax Machine's nightly deposits?

Whatever it was, it certainly must have given you some funky dreams. Especially if you could see the past. Personally, I would've been more fascinated if you saw the future, but whatever. You got to see the mysterious tree of harmony. I honestly don't see why you needed to save it, though. You could've just stuck Fluttershy into the ground, hung up the elements like a Hearth's Warming tree, and then had her blow up the vines.

Actually, that would've cost me a fuck buddy, so maybe it's for the best.

Anyway, I don't understand why you didn't simply crush the crack-crock into powder with your magic. You're a fucking alicorn. And do you have any idea how much you could've sold that much crack for?! Honestly, you deserve to be tricked by your friends for that one. Still, I kind of dropped the ball when I helped you realize that, so yeah.

Oh, and by the way, thanks for that wonderful idea. There are plenty of sex-craving mares who need something special to satisfy their desires. Now, if only I could figure out how to make a fun-sized (and you know exactly what sort of fun I mean) vine, there's no limit to how much money I could make!

That, however, is something I can figure out later. Right now, I'm going to admit it's quite sad that we had to give up those pretty little jewels of yours. But then again, you got that nifty little box of yours, so I guess it all balances out. Now, if only you could find out where the keys are supposed to be.

And yeah, those seeds were my idea. And yeah, I'm not going to be punished for it, because I'm reformed now! In fact, I'm going to have fun with Fluttershy later tonight. Yeah, I'd say life is good right now. And you? You just farted out a giant cloud shaped like your magic butt sticker. No more burritos for you, Twily!

Your favorite vine grower, Discord.

P.S.: I'm going to keep this cute little cane now. I don't think you're going to need it much, honestly.

My dear little ponies:

I am quite disappointed that you did not simply gang up on Twilight and hogtie her while she was walking back. You could have taken all the credit for yourselves and left Twilight in the forest to starve to death. Honestly, you've done nothing but prove that we alicorns are the superior race.

Your master-race leader, Princess Celestia.

Author's Note

I can't be the only one who's curious as to why they call it a Crackidile

Or maybe the storyline has become so full of drugs that I'm beginning to be affected by it. Knowing Pinkie Pie, it wouldn't surprise me.

Daring Don't

Author's Note

Original entry here.

Daring Don't

Dear Diary:

So, I was trying to thwart Ahuizotl's latest plan for world domination. Apparently, he wants to carry out a ritual which will enable him to subject the land to 800 years of constant sun. Kind of stupid, if you ask me. I mean, wouldn't Celestia and Luna just get pissed at him and give him a lunar vacation? And even without them, wouldn't the constant heat melt the polar ice caps, flooding coastal regions and causing untold death and destruction? Seriously, did he not think this through?!

Anyway, I was trying to protect one ring he'd managed to overlook, when I get swarmed by a bunch of fangirls. Yeah. I should have know that writing down my adventures was a bad idea. I mean, not only has it made it impossible for me to enjoy conventions, but it's even gotten to the point that I can't relax in the comfort of my own home. Oh yeah, and now Ahuizotl is suing me for selling his life story without giving him any royalties. Yeah, I'm certain he'd totally give me my fair share if he was the author!

But back to the fangirls. One of them, the one with a rainbow mane, decided to stalk me, no doubt wanting me to write her into the next book. Oh yeah, screwing up my mission is totally going to help you get a place in literature! And then she continued following me until I relented and let her help me, and finally we managed to thwart Ahuizotl's plan. But then Rainbow Dash decided she wouldn't be satisfied until she got a place in the book.

The point of all this is that I need to retire. Between the unhelpful fangirls and the recent lawsuits, I'm starting to realize all this saving the world crap is way more trouble than it's worth. If the world needs saving again, they can use their friend nukes.

~A. K. Yearling, A.K.A. Daring Do.

P.S.: Oh yeah, they gave those friend nukes up to save a tree. How very convenient.

Dear Ms. Yearling/Do:

Why not hire Rainbow Dash to beat up Ahuizotl for you? She'd probably love to do it, and you wouldn't have to pay her any royalties.

Sincerely, real-life royalty.

P.S.: It's endangered cat season. Why not go out on safari through a wildlife habitat?

Dear Princess Celestia:

How dare you legalize the shooting of these magnificent felines?!

Sincerely, Ahuizotl.

Flight To The Finish

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Flight To The Finish

Dear Diary:

Did you know that Ms. Harshwinny actually threatened to sue me for lying unless I changed my middle name to "Professionalism"? What is this, a totalitarian state or something?!

~Rainbow "Sucky-Middle-Name" Dash

Dear Scootaloo:

I must congratulate you for becoming the ~~tribute~~ representative of Ponyville for the Equestrian Hunger Games. I admit I thought that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon would defeat you, but then again, they're just earth ponies, so they could never compete against you.

Of course, the fact that your team has a pegasus who can't fly and a unicorn with crappy magic suggests that you simply got lucky. Still, I suppose you could have your friends Onion and Alohomora or whatever their names are join your team. Misery loves company, no?

Oh wait, I just remembered: they come from Cloudsdale. And Cloudsdale and Ponyville are competing. So I guess that means they're going to be your bitter enemies now. Oh well, I guess you can always laugh at them if Ponyville wins more medals. Or get laughed at if you lose.

Regardless, I think you have learned a valuable lesson today. Just because you suck at life doesn't mean you can't make others suck with you. Too bad Applesauce and Sweetie Belle still haven't figured that one out.

Love, Princess "Awesomer-than-thou" Celestia.

P.S.: Tell Rainbow Dash the answer is "Yes".

Dear Apple Bloom:

Why would I high-hoof you? You're a big disappointment for the whole family. Honestly, I'd rather have that cute little chicken as my granddaughter than you.

Your disappointed grandmother, Granny Smith.

Power Ponies

Original letter here.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I must admit, I never imagined Enchanted Comics would be so incredibly fun. When I invented it, I was just looking for a way to relive some epic battles, but to think that Spike would trap you? Now that I know I can use them to trap ponies I dislike, a vast number of opportunities open up!

And by the way, if you want some Enchanted Erotica, just ask me. I'll send you as many as you need, all out of the goodness of my heart, and not any nefarious attempts to turn you into my prisoner.

Your faithful comic trapper, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Tell Fluttershy Firefly got canceled.

Dear Twilight Sprkle:

Shooting out elemental blasts? Oh yeah, how original.

Sincerely, Ronnie Raymond & Jason Rusch.

Dear Applejack:

So, you think that you can imitate me just because you have a lasso? Well, good luck. Just don't let anypony bind your hooves together.

Sincerely, Princess Diana of Themyscira.

Dear Rarity:

We want our rings back.

Sincerely, Atrocitus, Larfleeze, Thaal Sinestro, Hal Jordan, Saint Bro'dee Walker, Indigo-1, and Carol Ferris.

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Please stop screwing with us. We'd like to keep our jobs.

Sincerely, every weather reporter ever.

P.S.: Storm called. She's pissed at you.

Dear Fluttershy:

So you want to rip off my powers? Well, you're making me angry. And trust me, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Sincerely, Dr. Robert Bruce Banner.

Dear Pinkie Pie:

Wanna join the Speed Force club? We'd enjoy some of your cupcakes!

Your fellow speedsters, Jay Garrick, Barry Allen, Wally West, and Bart Allen.

Dear Spike:

I feel your pain.

Your fellow ~~butt monkey~~ forgotten hero, Aquaman.

Author's Note

Ironically, Aquaman's powers are actually really cool.

Spike too, given that he goes from Godzooky to Godzilla whenever he gets greedy.

Bats! (Addendum)

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Bats! (Addendum)

Dear Princess Sparkly Vampire Romance:

You know, I don’t quite understand what’s wrong with all you ponies. I mean, Apple butt has just proved that she is clearly unfit for solo farm duty, so why would her family leave her alone to do all the work? Unless they expected her to hire the five of you as cheap labor while they got a free vacation, in which case it was clearly a stroke of genius.

Of course, given what I’ve heard about their cider-selling practices, it’s probably just their inbreeding catching up to them. Either that or vampire fruit-bat guano got into their cooking. Either way, it would probably be wise to stay away from anything containing apples for a while.

But let’s talk about those little winged rats, shall we? They’re quite special, aren’t they? And not just because they’ll suck the life out of any fruit they can find. I mean, all they eat is fruit! Do you think if we dissected one Froot Loops would spill out?

To be honest, I would have made a much better suggestion than either of them. Hear me out: We round up all the fruit bats, put them into a box, then mail that box to a rival farm! Not only do we get rid of the pests, but we also give them a place to live while financially ruining somepony we don’t like! Wouldn’t it have been just perfect?

Ah well, that didn’t happen, and so we got a really cool vampire instead! I swear, Stephaneigh Meyer needs to get out of the crystal empire and look to Ponyville for inspiration for her next book! Of course, I’d rather have Barn Stoker write any fiction involving Flutters as a vampie.

Still, I guess you could argue that she’d try to kill you once you tried to get her in bed, so maybe it was for the best. Of course, I’m confused as to why you though showing her mirrors would cure her. Haven’t you heard that vampires can’t be seen in mirrors? Ah well, I guess every writer has their own ideas about vampires, so I can’t really complain.

Anyway, it was certainly fun to hear all about your brief exploits as a monster hunter, Twilight Van Helsing. I was really looking forward to having Flutterbat help me hunt Nazis, but I guess that’s a dream that will have to wait for another day.

Sincerely, Discord.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

I'm so glad you and your friends get along so very well!

And by the way, I got Fluttershy a free ticket to that competition. I'll bet she'll really enjoy all that delicious and humongous fruit!

Your faithful monster-breeder, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: We already have an organization called P.E.T.A., so Fluttershy's gonna have to find a new place to make her club. May I suggest a particularly comfortable crater on the moon?

Rarity Takes Manehattan

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Rarity Takes Manehattan

Dear Charity:

First off, I'm quite impressed by how well you're manipulating Twilight's Fax Machine into doing your bidding. I don't know what you're doing to him, but it's extremely effective. Although I'm somewhat surprised that you haven't gotten your own dragon.

Alas, not all your decisions are as brilliant. Indeed, you constantly allowed other ponies to go about their business rather than force them to appease you by showing off your princess friend. But what really boggles my mind is the fact that you gave your prized, one-of-a-kind fabric to an earth pony. A fucking dirt pony! Is it any wonder that we alicorns are the royalty? I tell you, we alicorns are the true master race. Indeed, I'm not really surprised that Twilight didn't bother to do shit to get you a cab... or flying you there... or even teleport you.

But you're clearly a resourceful mare, capable of using any available materials to create something that will win any competition. That is true ingenuity! And, of course, being ingenious mean that nopony can tell you that you're being a vandal.

Still, you have a bit of work to do with your empathy. If you hadn't remembered your friends at the end, you would have been able to receive your trophy at the contest and been able to rub it in Suri's face. Wouldn't it have been hilarious to watch the look on her face as her dreams were shattered? Come on.

Regardless of your failures, you did pretty well. Although I don't see why you'd want to give away a great career opportunity to a dirt pony like Cocoa Puffs. Unless you just wanted to harass Twilight, in which case I understand completely.

Your favorite fashion connoisseur, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I'm sending you a couple things you forgot from your hotel room. Most important is this bill for $5000 worth of hotel fabric and keys you stole for your new fashion line.

Dear Crabbity:

Nice little spool of thread you got there. All rainbowy. That must have been pretty hard to make.

I do wonder what it could be useful for. Don't you?

Sincerely, Discord.

Pinkie Apple Pie

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Pinkie Apple Pie

Dear MilesPrower06:

However did you come up with such intricately crafted lyrics?

Your biggest fan, Princess Celestia.

Dear Pinkie:

I hear you found a new branch of our family. I'm excited. I hope they like rocks. Maybe I should visit them. I'm sure it will be fun.

Your enthusiastic sister, Maud.

P.S.: Boulder is excited too.

Dear Twilight:

You're just jealous that I'm getting in Big Mac's bed and you haven't heard from Flash in months.

Sincerely, Pinkie Pie.

Dear Applejack:

Ah'm sorry, but ah'm gonna be keepin' yer ropes for a couple weeks. We're all shocked that Pinkie's one of us now, but we need ya workin' on the fields. And Pinkie may be energetic, but she ain't as tight as you.

Your frustrated big brother, Big Macintosh.

Dear Apple Bloom:

You're related to Pinkie Pie too?! Geez, you have so many relatives! Can't you spare just a few for me?!

Sincerely, Scootaloo.

Three's A Crowd

Original chapter here.

Dear Princess Twiley Cyrus:

What a day to be ill. I was hoping I could get Fluttershy to dress up in a sexy nurse outfit while she took care of me, but alas, she had her thing with the breezies. I doubt it's anything important, but she seems to care about it a lot more than me, because she went before she could even check to see if I needed anything!

Of course, she's not the only sexy mare in the world. Celestia is pretty hot too. But alas, she didn't want to wear any outfits. And then, to add insult and injury to illness, she bucked me out of the castle and sent me flying into Ponyville. She probably owes them a new tree, by the way.

Anyway, I passed your sister in law's train, by the way. I must say, she sure knows how to travel in style. Seriously, why haven't you got one of those babies? And the guards she travels with are certainly quite handsome. I bet you'd like to meet a few of them, no?

But back to Ponyville. I arrived in terrible health, and nopony wanted to take care of me. I mean, they probably wanted to take care of me, but not be my nurse ponies. Rain-blows flew off, Applesack and Charity got infected with my disease, and Pinkie went off to chase some balloon. Who was I supposed to turn to now?

As luck would have had it, I remembered that Cadance Notevil Goodpony had come to Ponyville for Swirlcon 2014. I know it probably sucked to miss out on some of those events, but look on the bright side: you got to spend time with me, and got to hear my absolutely beautiful singing voice!

...Did you really have to put me in your bed, though? I have heard of horrible things that happen there.

Anyway, I decided to see if you truly considered me a friend. And the best way to do this, of course, is to make your life a living hell. And since Princess Pinkie was using that health bubble of hers to prevent you from getting sick, I decided the only way to do so was to make the two of you go on an epic quest to find something that could cure me.

What I hadn't been expecting, however, was a rape-worm to come out of the ground. It's a shame we didn't get to see more happening, though; do you have any idea how much I could have made off a double-princess porno? Ah well, at least I got to see that you actually do care about me, even after it turned out I was never really sick to begin with!

And then the rape-worm had to sneeze on me. Is it seriously too much to ask to make that health bubble cover me too? I guess you disapprove of Luna's new health care laws.

Finally, please don't be disappointed by your necklace. I know it may have been a bit cheesy, but I made it for you to demonstrate our great friendship. Of course, if that one disappointed you, I promise that the next necklace I give you will be much more special.

Your very favorite patient, Discord

P.S.: Could you please fetch me a tiny glass of water?

Dear Twilight:

So, Flash just left you without saying a word? Bet you wish you were a member of the Apple family so you could get into Big Mac's bed right now, don't you?

Sincerely, Pinkie Pie.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Flash Sentry went to Ponyville?! Didn't I write a royal decree forbidding that guy from coming within 10 miles of you?!

...Oh well. I guess I just got myself a new sex toy!

Your waifu-stealing fellow princess, Celestia.

Author's Note

Oh yeah, and today marks Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student's second anniversary. Go congratulate milesprower06 now.

Pinkie Pride

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Pinkie Pride

Dear Pinkie Pie:

Your mommy told you when you were small:
Don’t be a superstar.

You never listened to her great advice,
Yet you’ve somehow gotten far.

Now everypony I know loves to dance
At your crazy parties, yes they do!

But now Cheese Sandwich has come to par-tay,
Back off, ‘cause your time is up!

I see your party's absurd,
and I think it's for the birds,
Oh I can tell you're crazy, you perform this way!

I've heard you're always so high,
You think that you might just fly,
Oh yes you're a drug addict, you perform this way!

Oh, he’s taken all your fans,
Ruined all your awesome plans,
Maybe he performs this way?

Yeah, you’ve lost the party game,
Oh please, just accept you’re lame.

Don’t go psycho, you perform this way!

Your party-loving princess, Celestia.

Dear Pinkie Pie:

I must say, you’re lucky you ended up making peace with Cheese Head. If you hadn’t, that magic butt sticker of yours would have become useless. You’d have to take it off and get another tattoo.

Even so, I must admit I’m surprised you were so willing to take his cock. Especially one as floppy as that one. I guess they don’t call him “Boneless” for nothing!

Then again, maybe you’re just waiting for the right situation? Then the saga begins and you become a great heroine? At least you won’t be a white and nerdy (or purple and nerdy, for that matter) heroine.

Oh well. I guess you might want to keep your eye on that rubber Scootaloo. Who knows when you might need it?

Your friend, Discord.

Simple Ways

Author's Note

Original Chapter here.

Simple Ways

Dear Trenderhoof:

Why exactly did you decide to visit Ponyville? I mean, it’s probably the most unbelievably boring town in all of Equestria! Even if they do have a Ponyville pony celebration for ponies, why would that be any more interesting than a celebration anywhere else in Equestria?

I mean, that town has its own princess and it’s still a cesspool. Does that not ring any alarm bells? Seriously, I don’t care how talented you are, nopony can make that relatable. You’d have better luck making Canterlot look ugly.

Or maybe you just wanted to get laid? I mean, you did seem to have a thing for Applejack. Of course, I think I should point out that she’s an earth pony, so she’s probably not worth rutting anyway. Also, she’s only interested in ponies who are related to her, such as her brother. Of course, if you had biceps like his, mares would be lining up to rut you.

In any case, I feel tempted to ask: if you were so turned on by Applejack, why didn't you ask Princess Twilight to turn you into an apple?

Your faithful ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Knife!

Dear Diary:

Good stallions are so difficult to come across nowadays. And then, when you think you’ve found the right one, it turns out he’s interested in somepony else. And then you end up making a fool out of yourself because you’re so desperate to get laid. I ended up getting covered in mud!

Maybe I should just give up. Then again, there’s always Twilight’s fax machine. He definitely has his eyes on me. But from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty lousy in bed, so there’s that.

I suppose beggars can’t be choosers, then.

-Rarity

Dear Trenderhoof:

Don’t ya dare lay yer dirty hooves on Applejack ever again. She’s mine! She ain’t interested in anypony else!

Sincerely, Big Macintosh.

Twilight Time

Author's Note

Original Chapter Here.

Twilight Time

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

Okay, so Scootaloo and Apple Bloom can't enter the library since they're a pegasus and earth pony. But can I still come? I mean, I'm a unicorn, so I'm not banned, right?

Sincerely, Sweetie Belle.

Dear Sweetie Belle:

I've been investigating the possibility of transplanting a unicorn's horn onto non-horned ponies. Diamond Tiara is surprisingly smart for an earth pony. Would you be willing to make a small sacrifice for the greater good of ponykind?

Sincerely, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: Did you know that the moon has some absolutely beautiful sights at this time of year?

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

So, since you've banned all pegasi from your library, does that mean that your library is a No-Flash Zone?

Your faithful former mentor, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Is Big Mac banned too?

Dear Princess Celestia:

Fuck you.

Your now horny and pissed former student, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Do you remember that time I stole your horn, turning you into an earth pony? Wasn't that the most hilarious thing ever?

Well, if I did the same thing today, you wouldn't be a useless earth pony, right? You'd be a pegasus! Doesn't that sound fun? Not to mention you'd be the same race as Flashy, so the two of you would be perfect for each other!

By the way, Cloudsdale is looking nice this time of year. You might want to consider moving there. True, they may have banned you now, but I think I might be able to arrange something! And I can also find a way to get you back into Hay King and get some delicious hay burgers! ~~Not to mention it will probably cheer you up now that you won't be able to live in your library!~~

Your ever-chaotic best buddy, Discord.

P.S.: You know, the idea of your library now being the only pegasus-and-earth-pony-free area in town will probably be quite relaxing for you. I sure hope it doesn't get blown up or anything!

It Ain't Easy Being Breezies

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

It Ain't Easy Being Breezies

Dear Fax Machine:

Forgoing dragon-type attacks and attacking us with leaves? Well played. But you know well that, as fairies, we are still super-effective against you. And we know where you live.

Sweet dreams!

Love, Seabreeze and co.

Dear Rainbow Dash:

You wanna be a griffon? Yeah, no. You're lame-o regardless of what species you are. I mean, unless you vowed never to associate with any of those dweebs ever again and stay with me forever. Even then it would be kind of iffy, but I might be able to forgive that.

Your un-friend, Gilda.

Dear Fluttershy:

So this is what you left me for when I was ill? A bunch of fairy ponies? I was sick and you left me for fairy ponies?!

Ah well, I've learned that you can't really expect much from your so-called “friends.” Seriously, I try to have an adventure with Twily and Candy and what do I get? Even more sickness! Really, I wish Tirek were here. He'd probably know how to have fun!

But enough about me. Let's talk about those breezies. As much as I hate to disagree with princess star-butt, she has a point. Those things are pathetic! They can only fly if the breeze is extremely gentle, they can get knocked over by a simple leaf, they spend their time mooching off anypony kind enough to take them in, and they have the most outrageously flamboyant hairdos ever! Why have they not gone the way of the proto-dragons? I mean, even if their extinction was Celestia's doing, why can't she do the same for the breezies? Why can't anypony put them out of their little fairy misery?

And after all your hard work in getting them back home safe and sound, all they give you is a flower. A fucking flower! Talk about cheap! I mean, it's a nice flower, but couldn't they have given you something more valuable? They're bound to have useful things, like gold, or breezie world seeds, or maybe a key!

Of course, you probably couldn't have found anything that a key could be used to open, right?

...Right?

Your rambling friend, Discord.

Somepony To Watch Over Me

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Somepony To Watch Over Me

Dear Applesauce:

First off, let me just say I'm glad that you have such a great family! An older sister should always do sisterly things for her younger siblings, such as protecting them obsessively, and banishing them to some desolate wasteland. Yep, she's a great sister. And your brother's pretty nice too, given that he likes to leave his favorite toy with you.

Oh yeah, and he also gave you Smarty Pants. Just don't let Twilight find out, or else who knows what she'll do (hint: I do!)

But enough about that. You also have some really nice friends. They really are loyal to you, given how they decided to take your miserable place while you went off on your mission through hell. Of course, some may wonder why they didn't accompany you on your delivery. Not to mention it would have given you somepony to sacrifice to the chimera when it came up, although you probably couldn't have known about it.

Of course, I must admit I'm somewhat disappointed by Applejack's decision to trust you to stay home alone. After all, what will happen if pony thieves try to break in? Is she going to trust you to find clever ways to make them suffer for trying to steal other pony's stuff? I never sat around waiting for my sister to be attacked! I sent her off to the safety of the moon!

Oh well, I suppose every family has their own way of dealing with family issues. I have a feeling that yours have a lot to do with the bed.

Forever admiring everypony's family, Princess Celestia.

Dear Apple Bloom:

I feel your pain. I know what it's like to have a bitchy older sister. When I was just a few hundred years older than you are now, I got angry at her for being a constant glory-hog; she took my fame, my fans, my subjects and she even tried to take control of my nights! So I told her to share at least some of her things with me.

As you no doubt know, she gave me a 1000-year time-out on the moon.

Your eternally-overshadowed co-ruler, Princess Luna.

Maud Pie

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Maud Pie

Dear Pinkie Pie:

You write a lot of puns.

Sometimes they're good.

But I'm starting to get silicate of them.

Your sister, Maud.

Dear Maud Pie:

You should totally move to Ponyville. Twilight is going to love your company!

Your totally-rocking Princess, Celestia.

Dear Diary:

Of all the things a pony could have for a pet, I really don't understand why anypony would want a rock. I mean, they don't do anything at all! Even a turtle reacts like a normal living creature, and you can even give them helicopter blades so they can fly! Even I can't find some way of making rocks seem like an appropriate pet, and I managed to give a turtle away to Rainbow Dash!

Of course, Rarity did get that rock she named Tom once, and Pinkie had a pile she named Rocky, so maybe there's something to it.

...Well, I suppose that, if it were big enough, I could carve the rock into some sort of hairless monkey creature wearing robes. Maybe add some wings to give it something unique. But even then it would just be an inanimate rock statue, never doing anything.

Right?

-Fluttershy

For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils

Author's Note

Original letter here.

For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils

Dear Rarity:

I heard that you and Sweetie Belle have been having trouble recently, so I thought I'd write to you in order to give you some friendly advice.

If your sister asks you for something at the very last minute, tell her to fuck off. After all, she had plenty of time to ask before, so why should you waste your valuable time fixing her mistake? And if she starts whining about you never doing anything for her, challenge her to make her own dresses within twelve hours.

If you think she's screwing with you, the best thing to do is to make it clear that you can just as easily screw with her. After all, her little play would have been a disaster without your fabulous dresses. You need to make it clear that, whenever she tries to make you suffer, she will suffer with you.

Of course, if all else fails, there is a simple way of solving everything. Look up at night and you'll see what I mean.

Eternally setting an example for older sisters everywhere, Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia:

I appreciate your advice, but I really don't think I'll ever banish Sweetie Belle to the moon. For one, I don't think I have the necessary level of magic to pull off such a feat. And besides, younger siblings make great slave labor.

Your most fabulous servant, Rarity.

Dear Rarity:

Thanks a lot.

Sincerely, Princess Luna.

Testing Testing 1-2-3

Author's Note

Original Chapter Here.

Testing Testing 1-2-3

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Twilight offered to teach you all about the Wonderbolts? But didn't she banish all pegasi from her library? Ah well, she probably changed her mind when she realized that she couldn't invite her favorite pegasus over anymore.

Now, about the studying. I must admit, I'm quite proud of Twilight. She clearly takes after me when she's educating other ponies. That said, I don't remember ever being that obsessed with flash cards. I can't help but feel that there's a reason for that.

Still, maybe my methods aren't the best, so perhaps Fluttershy could helpful. After all, she helped Discord learn the importance of the magic of friendship, so there's no possible way she could fail now! I mean, she even got your turtle to be part of her study methods, so you probably learned a lot, didn't you?

...No? Oh well, there's always a much more fun way to teach kids: Rap! I mean, not only does it include catchy beats and funky clothes, it's also just one letter away from my favorite word of all time! And if there's one pony who knows exactly how to make those raps stick, it's Pinkie Pie!

If that fails, I know Rarity will try to translate her knowledge of clothes into knowledge of Wonderbolts. At that point, though, you're probably scraping the bottom of the barrel. As for Applejack... ah, you're probably doomed.

Of course, if by some miracle Twilight was able to find a way for you to retain all that Wonderbolt trivia, you'd probably forget it after a week. I mean, does anypony remember everything they learned in school? Hell, I doubt anypony needs to know anything they ever cover in their exams, so why do we bother making sure they don't cheat?

In any case, any time you need to study, you're always welcome to come to my ~~dungeon~~ study room. I may not have flash cards, but I do have a "Flash" there who could probably help you study!

Your future teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Don't worry about bringing whipped cream or rulers. I have plenty here!

Trade Ya!

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Trade Ya!

Dear Fluttershy:

There, I saved your ass from getting sold into slavery. I shall expect to see you at the library tonight.

Your soon-to-be mistress, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: Failure to comply will make you wish you'd been sold off.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I thought you banished all pegasi from you library. Which is certainly unfortunate, given that Flash is a Pegasus.

Sincerely, Fluttershy.

P.S.: Slavery would have been better than having to put up with your shit.

Dear Fluttershy:

I've already repealed the ban on pegasi. Do you not remember that I let Rainbow inside so that I could teach her how to be a good ~~sex slave~~ Wonderbolt?

Your impatient mistress, Princess Twilight Sparkle:

P.S.: Well, if you were a slave you wouldn't get a 1000 year lunar vacation!

Dear Discord:

I have no need for you. I'm about to spend a whole lot of time putting up with Princess Twilight Fuck-All.

Sincerely, Fluttershy.

Dear Fluttershy:

I can't believe you're leaving me for that bitch! After all those passionate night, you're just dropping me like a block of prison soap?! This is absurd! How do you expect me to ever trust you again?! I'm going to go join Tirek or something!

Your disappointed “friend,” Discord.

Inspiration Manifestation

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Inspiration Manifestation

Dear Rarity:

Would you like to be my apprentice? You certainly did a better job of creating chaos than I ever dreamed!

Love, Discord.

Dear Octavia:

Can you please explain why you and your fellow musicians left in the middle of our party and left us with a bunch of mariachi ponies?! Their music is so undignified!

Sincerely, Jet Set and Upper Crust

Dear Vinyl Scratch:

I might be willing to apologize if you promise to hold all your future parties in “No-Wub” zones.

Sincerely, Rarity.

Dear Sweetie Belle:

Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated. It turns out that, by mining at night, I was able to create a tunnel which, when combined with my set of diamond armor which I had to slave for months on end to obtain, allowed me to escape my home before its inevitable destruction. So do mine at night!

Love, Button Mash.

P.S.: A deadly new enemy has been sent to hunt me down: Lawyers!

Dear Future Rarity:

I can eat whatever the fuck I want. Just try and stop me!

Love, Rarity.

Dear Rarity:

You have issues.

Love, Future Rarity.

Dear Rarity:

With your obsession with making everything look absolutely fabulous, you would probably make a better princess than Twilight! I really must wonder why I didn’t make you my student instead. With your crystals and gold and everything, you could probably make an absolutely beautiful kingdom! We could call it… Rarity’s Kingdom!

Too bad that will never happen, am I right?

Ruefully, Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia:

Fax Machine sent a melted lock onto your head?! Awesome! I knew it was only a matter of time before karma caught up with you! I might even consider occasionally calling him Spike!

Your highly amused former student, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: You wouldn’t happen to have a picture, would you?

P.P.S.: I’m not sure about Fax Machine, but I think I can find a way to get troll-spawned alicorns off this planet and to the moon.

Equestria Games

Author's Note

Original Letter Here.

Equestria Games

Dear Princess Celestia:

Okay, I spent the whole games stuck here watching your boring hunger games. Nopony actually killed anypony else, so I want my money back.

Anyway, I’ve held up my end of the bargain. I now demand that you hand over Flash Sentry.

The great and horny Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

What? I never made any sort of deal! There would have been a document detailing such an agreement, would there not?

The great Equestrian Hunger Games organizer, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Don't bother looking through my wastebasket. I burn all unnecessary documents.

P.P.S.: You know, looking at you and your beloved Fax Machine, I can't help but remember all the fun times you and I had together.

Dear Shining Armor:

The number of ponies who have the bodily strength to hurl a full-grown mare several hundred feet into the air is limited. The number of ponies with wives who are willing to be thrown is even smaller. And there are many ponies who would find a sport based around tossing live ponies, regardless of consent, to be morally reprehensible. Therefore, I have decided to remove wife-tossing from the list of events.

Sincerely, Miss Harshwinny.

Dear Harshwinny:

I was looking forward to seeing the wife-tossing at the games. Do you not see the comedic potential in the athletes tossing mares across the stadium?! It would have been priceless!

Ah well, there's still plenty of real estate on the moon.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Why should I tell you anything? You would probably have tried to ruin everything just to make yourself look good or something.

Anyway, while there were a couple hiccups here and there, I'd say these games were pretty successful. Especially when Spike saved all those ponies. I almost feel like I should make another stained glass window in his honor. Maybe I could hang it up in your bedroom. It would always be there to remind you of how successful he can be and how utterly pathetic you are compared to him.

Sincerely, Princess Mi Amore “Candy” Cadenza.

Twilight's Kingdom

Original Chapter Here.

Dear Flash Sentry:

You had your five seconds of fame. Now get back to the sex dungeon.

Your eternal master, Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia:

I've decided to implement a few... changes. They are going to change everything we know about Equestria and of your former student, and I am quite certain that many ponies are going to be extremely angry about them. Thus, I am very excited about the future, and I am certain you shall be as well.

Your loving daddy, Eternal President King Hasbro The Almighty.

P.S.: Issue a decree stating that Luna is no longer allowed to sing. I want to see how everypony reacts.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

You wouldn't happen to have some saiyan blood in you, by any chance? Because I haven't blown up a planet in days, and I do need something to take out my problems on.

Sincerely, Lord Frieza.

“So, do you think this is the last key?” asked Rainbow Dash.

The six ponies looked towards the necklace that Discord had given Twilight. They then looked at the crystal box which lay before them.

“Shut up!” said Twilight. “I'm trying to figure out how to do this.”

“Yes,” muttered Rarity. “Because obviously you don't have the brains to figure this out yourself.”

“SILENCE THOU KNAVE!!!” Twilight yelled. “WATCH THY TONGUE, OR WE SHALT TOSS THY ASS INTO THE DUNGEONS!!!”

“Wow,” said Pinkie Pie. “Tirek stole all your magic but he didn't take a single bit of your bitchiness. And here I was thinking that all that magic was going to your head or something.”

“Yup,” said Applejack. “She's all-natural bitchiness.”

As Twilight listened to her friends, she made a mental note to have them tossed into her “Dungeon of Fun.” She then mentally facehoofed as she realized that she no longer had a Dungeon of Fun.

“Okay,” she said finally. “Necklace, Tirek blew up my house. Help me kick his ass!”

As she finished, she threw the necklace straight towards the last keyhole. As it flew through the air, it metamorphosed into a key, which fell into place. Then, a bright flash of light blinded everypony.

When the light flickered out, the six ponies floated in the air surrounded in a rainbow glow. Their manes and tails had gained new colors and grown to unbelievable lengths, and their bodies were covered with markings similar to their cutie marks.

“Oh come on!” yelled Twilight. “I wanted something cool, not this lame-ass gay pride makeup!”

“I think it looks cool!” said Pinkie Pie.

“My mane is so awesome!” said Rainbow.

“It could be better,” said Fluttershy.

“My mane and tail!” yelled Rarity. “None of my dresses go with this! I'm going to have to redesign everything!”

“Eh, we've been through this,” said Applejack. “Remember our Gala dresses?”

Twilight ignored her friends as she took a better look at everypony. She had to admit, her new form wasn't nearly as bad as she thought it would be. Indeed, she had changed the last out of the six. The others were not quite as fortunate.

As much as she hated to admit it, Rainbow Dash's new look was pretty cool. Fortunately, the same could not be said for the others. Applejack and Pinkie Pie didn't look too bad, though Pinkie's color scheme was an eyesore. Rarity and Fluttershy weren't so lucky; their huge manes were absolutely ridiculous.

“All right,” Twilight said finally. “What do we do now?”

“We go out and kick Tirek's ass!” yelled Rainbow Dash.

“But we need a theme song first!” said Pinkie Pie.

“Shut up, junkie,” said Twilight. “Besides, what kind of theme song could possibly fit a team as gay as ours?”

“Twilight, stop,” said Rarity. “We cannot call ourselves anything like that. After all, we are now Equestria's last hope, and we need to make the best first impressions we can as we-”

“Here's our new theme song!”

As the song finished, the other ponies stared at Pinkie blankly.

“Um,” said Fluttershy, “It's... nice?”

“Absolutely dreadful,” said Rarity.

“There's no way I'm saving the world with that song,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Somepony kill me please,” said Applejack.

For a moment, Twilight said nothing. She then sighed and looked into the distance, where she knew Tirek would be waiting for them. She briefly wondered whether it would be preferable to have him kill them all. On the other hoof, she'd never be able to get in bed with Flash Sentry.

“All right,” she said finally. “Let's just get this over with so I can get a new place somewhere far away from this cesspool.”

Meanwhile, far away, Tirek laughed as he blew up another random home. However, he stopped his rampage as he sensed something.

If he wasn't mistaken, there were several high magic levels heading his way.

There were six of them in total.

And they were all incredibly flamboyant.

Dear Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applejack and Spike:

You got off lucky. We had to suffer under Celestia's rule for centuries before we could have our own thrones.

Your heavily-resentful princesses, Luna and Cadance.

Dear Fax Machine:

Don't think that just because you can sit with us you're our equal. I'm still going to use your useless scaly ass to send my mail.

Your eternal ruler, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Princess Cadance:

As I now have my own castle, I am now entitled to a couple of ~~new sex slaves~~ guards to protect it. You may start by sending over that sexy Pegasus Flash.

Your favorite sister-in-law, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Princess Twilight:

You're my only sister-in-law. And Celestia has already claimed Flash Sentry for herself. Get your own guard.

Your least-favorite sister-in-law, Princess Cadance.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

See? I promised you that the next necklace I'd give you would be much more special than the first one. And I kept my promise, so I'm a good friend.

...Can I have a throne now?

Your best friend in the whole wide world, Discord.

Author's Note

Nobody yet has commented on the little bit of foreshadowing with Discord in Threes A Crowd. I am disappoint.

Also, I know you people were probably expecting some Dragon Ball Z jokes. Of course, you never specified what kind :trollestia:

Twilight's Kingdom (Bonus Letter)

Original Letter Here.

Dear Tirek:

First off, let me tell you that you that I hate you. Yes, my hatred for you is almost as intense as my hatred for my former student. I mean, stealing other ponies magic? I can dig that. Stealing magic from Luna, Cadance, Twilight, and Discord? Hilarious! But then you want to steal my magic?! MY MAGIC?! You dick!

But I digress. I was having plenty of fun showing Twilight how useless she was while still trying to give her some false hope that she might one day be able to do something for the kingdom when I sensed that you had escaped. Unfortunately, I then found out that you’d escaped months ago when Cerberus was goofing off. It’s kind of ironic, really; I always mocked Twilight for not getting her Fax machine neutered, and yet I never did the same with my own pets. I really need to rectify that mistake.

So, naturally, we were all worried when we found out you had escaped. And thus I made the only logical choice in this situation: I let my former student feel useless once more, grabbed that one guy who I still don’t fully trust, who still resents being a statue in my garden, and who has the potential to turn Equestria into Cloudcuckooland with a snap of his fingers, and sent him off to deal with the problem. And, of course, we both know how that turned out.

I should note, however, that before he left he decided to take one last chance to read Twilight’s diary. I kind of understand why he did it; back when I was a filly I loved to sneak into Luna’s room and read her diary. It was so much fun! Did you know that she had a crush on Sombra? Or that she wanted to go to the moon? Well, you can tell how those two turned out!

But I’m getting distracted. After Dick-cord went Starscream on us, I tried to find some other plan. Unfortunately, plans B through Y all failed spectacularly, so I had no choice but to go with plan Z: give up my magic to the one mare I despised the most. On the plus side, Luna and Cadance gave up their power too. Misery loves company, you know?

Of course, there was always the danger that you’d turn us into your sex slaves, in which case I would simply have done my best to look unattractive so that you’d only bang the other two. Fortunately, you decided to throw us into hell instead. As much as it pains me to do so, I must thank you for that. The thought of making myself less attractive than Luna… ugh.

Of course, somepony didn’t get the message when I said I wanted the stained glass window of Twilicorn removed. So now I have to fire some ponies. Ah well, at least you melted it out of existence. Too bad you figured out there was another princess, though.

And by the way, good work blowing up Twilight’s library. The moment you did that, I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if a million bald apes had shouted in horror and despair as their precious memories were blown apart. It was quite cathartic, really. I’m sure my father would say the same thing.

I don’t know why you thought threatening her friends would do you any good, though. She doesn’t give a shit about them, and they don’t like her either. I’m half surprised she didn’t just blow them up in order to get to you. Maybe she just got used to having them around as fuck buddies?

Whatever the case, she gave up her powers for those useless ponies. And Discord, who apparently decided he owed her, so he gave her his necklace. Which he got from you. Which you got from your brother. And that necklace ended up being the key to kicking your ass.

Kind of makes you feel like a moron, doesn’t it? Doubly so given how ludicrous they looked. Can you imagine sitting in your cage down in the underworld and having to tell your buddies about how you got your ass beaten by a bunch of rainbow-colored miniature horses? And that you helped them? That’s emasculating.

Anyway, Twilight has a castle now. Unfortunately for her, she has to share it with her friends, including her fax machine. But not Discord. And so, all is right in the world.

Your W.E.E., Princess Celestia.

Author's Note

I'm wondering whether or not I should mark this fic as "On Hiatus" or not. Obviously I'm going to do any hiatus chapters that milesprower06 comes up with, but there aren't going to be any actual episodes, so...

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Researching The Crystal Heart

Author's Note

Original Letter Here.

Also, let's go with "On Hiatus." If it's good enough for Miles, it's good enough for me.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Researching The Crystal Heart

Dear Princess Candy:

If you may, I'd like to borrow your crystal heart for a minute or two-thousand. it's the only power capable of pranking your auntie sun-butt.

Your faithful prank-buddy, Discord.

To my dearest niece:

I shall require your crystal heart for a few hours. I need it to pull off the ultimate prank on Discord.

Your favorite aunt, Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Cadance:

If you don’t mind, could I borrow the Crystal Heart? I’m going to try to find Flash Sentry.

Your sister-in-law, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: If not, could I at least have one of your crystal ponies? I have an operating table set up at my castle, and it shouldn’t be too hard to extract their hearts. And I do wish for payback against them for creating that stupid castle.

FOAL FREE PRESS
CIRCULATION OF TOURISM TO CRYSTAL HEART CUT OFF

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza has just announced that the Crystal Heart area is now closed for civilian view. Tourists and crystal ponies alike have been baffled by her mysterious decision.

“It has come to my attention that there are several dangerous beings who wish to possess this powerful artifact,” the Princess said in an official statement. “I have made the decision to prevent any unauthorized visits to the crystal heart until the threat has passed. I make this decision for the good of my crystal ponies and for all Equestria.”

When asked whether the other princesses would be assisting in the protection of the Heart, Princess Cadenza repeatedly attempted to dodge the question. Finally, she managed to teleport away, but not before one crystal pony asked if there would be any investigation into the mysterious flashes that the Heart emits during the night.

In other news, Princess Twilight Sparkle was seen carrying a large groaning bag out of the Crystal Empire. When asked about it, she stated that she was attending to “Official Princess Business.” She then threatened to feed the reporters to her fax machine.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Rainbow's Social Gathering

Author's Note

Original Letter Here.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Rainbow's Social Gathering

Dear Rainbow Dash:

First off, what makes you think that anypony would want to spend bits on seeing the “Rainbow Dash Experience?” Furthermore, what does that even mean? For all I know it just means you’re trying to get a whole bunch of fuck buddies who will “experience” your whole body.

Secondly, did you just confess to bringing in the dragon, ursa minor, and parasprites that are currently tearing Ponyville apart? Oh boy, I hope you have a good lawyer, because the whole town is going to want to have you executed now.

Third, why do you have to listen to anything the mayor has to say now? I mean, Twilight’s got her castle in the city now, so what’s the point of having a mayor? It’s kind of redundant, isn’t it? I’d suggest having the town hall demolished and the mayor tarred and feathered, but Wrecking Balls And Tar is currently closed until there are new episodes of My Little Human. What can I say, hiatuses suck.

Finally, what is this Ashleigh Ball Pit? Sounds awfully dumb.

Your highly amused Princess, Celestia.

Dear Rainbow Dash:

How about y’all cancel this whole gig? It’s been nothin’ but a huge fiasco, and once it’s over everypony can go home, then you and me can have some “fun times” in the Ashleigh Ball Pit.

So, what do you say? Sounds fun?

Sincerely, Applejack.

Dear Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

I shall agree to cancel the event and have you both pardoned (and Mayor Mare tarred and feathered) if you both agree to spend an entire hour in the Ashleigh Ball Pit with me. I assure you it will be quite fun.

Sincerely, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Riots, Protesting in Midwest Equestria

Author's Note

Original Chapter Here.

Also, on a side note, I finally caught up to Letters. Yay!

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Riots, Protesting in Midwest Equestria

To my faithful subjects:

While the sudden death of Whiten Black was a tragedy, we must not fool ourselves into thinking there was a racial bias for the incident. We must all come together to support each other, and remember that all species and races are equally subservient to the mighty alicorns.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Twilight:

I do wonder if Zecora will be willing to sell you her special "potion ingredients" once this is all over.

Your probably less racist (but far more megalomaniacal) fellow Princess, Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia:

Did the dead zebra have a toy-ready body? No? Then he was useless. Now go find some more profitable ponies.

Your profit-concerned father, The Almighty Eternal President King Hasbro.

To all the non-pony races:

Let me make it clear that this was just the beginning. Soon the ponies shall unite to completely eliminate all the “lesser” beings. In their eyes only ponies are truly civilized beings, and the rest of us are mongrels who must be eliminated.

Do not believe me? Take a look at poor Spike. A dragon hatched by ponies, he was immediately forced into the servitude of the one who brought him into the world, Twilight Sparkle. Then consider the buffalo, who have recently discovered that the offerings of peace they had received from the ponies were nothing more than poison, rendering them unable to have children. And then there is the cruel murder of Whiten Black at the hand of the pony military. Why have we ignored these injustices for so long? How many other non-ponies must suffer before we take action?

Well, my friends, today I say that this shall no longer continue. We must come together, and fight for a common cause: the freedom of all non-ponies! For they have kept us apart in the hopes of preventing an uprising, but together we are stronger than they can ever be. So today I speak directly to Princess Celestia: We will no longer tolerate the injustices against our people!

Sincerely, Discord.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Epidemic in Western Afriquestria

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Also, I apologize for my laziness.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Epidemic in Western Afriquestria

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I know you want a new sex slave;

I found a zebra who will always behave.

Sincerely, Zecora.

Dear Zecora:

No thanks. Zebras are icky.

Sincerely, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Epona:

I told you that hanging out with that bald ape would get you sick one day.

Sincerely, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

You hang out with a dumb fax machine. I have way better company for those long, lonely nigh- oh wow, that did not come out right.

Sincerely, Epona.

Dear President Mustangascar:

Don’t worry about the diseases over in Afriquestria. The chances of an infected pony (or zebra) getting into your country are minimal. So please don’t shut everything down again. It’s making it hard for me to send your birthday present.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: If you decide to open your borders up, I’m confident that the Apple family’s special apple tree (which they have named “Bloomberg, Jr.”) will be a delightful addition to your royal garden.

Rainbow Rocks

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Rainbow Rocks

Dear Sunset Shimmer:

Why the fuck are you writing to me about things that I was there to see?! If you’re going to write to me, write about how you’re turning the sirens into sex slaves or something.

Your irritated teacher, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Celly:

Why exactly do you need a vibrating book? I thought you had more than enough sex slaves to satisfy you.

Sincerely, your best buddy Discord.

Dear Sunset Shimmer:

It’s been such a long time since we last talked, hasn’t it? It’s been quite tiring to deal with Twilight. I mean, you were a bitch, but at least you never tried to usurp my rule. Of course, she was never smart enough to remember what I did to my own sister, so there’s that.

Anyway, remember how a few months ago, you stole Twilight’s crown and turned into a duplicate of Tirek’s mother? That was absolutely hilarious. Oh, and you were planning to brainwash the student body into an army to take over Equestria. Because a bunch of hormone-addled teenagers are such a huge threat to the goddesses of the sun, moon, love, and… whatever Twilight’s supposed to be. Friendship, I think.

Well, you could probably take her down. The rest of us would just send you down to Tartarus. Tirek would probably invite you to his next family reunion.

But we’re getting off topic here. I do recall a couple of weird singing seaponies. To be honest, their singing was terrible, so I gave them a couple of amulets that would help them improve their voices. Thus, they gained amazing singing powers, which they then used to get everypony to do their bidding. I thought it was hilarious, but Starswirl got a bit pissed after his faithful student Clover started slacking off and going to those crazy shoo-be-doo concerts. Since he demanded that his students devote 110% of their efforts to their studies, he tossed the seaponies into a portal, and then sent Clover to space camp for 1000 hours.

Banishing my favorite seaponies aside, I’ve always admired him. He sure knew how to deal with his students.

I must admit, I’m starting to feel sorry for them. Thousands of years trapped on the planet of the apes would truly be a horrible fate, the kind I’d only reserve for the absolute worst beings in the universe. And Twilight.

Hell, if I had known she was heading back, I would have teleported right to her castle and smashed the portal before she could come back. I’m surprised that her “friends” didn’t do that. Maybe they felt sorry for their alternate selves in the other universe?

Well, whatever the case, she couldn’t use her divine rainbow of judgment. I can only imagine how hilarious it must have been to watch their determination to kill the sirens, only to utterly fail as the whole school watched in shock. If only somepony could show me that on Hooftube.

Anyway, since that didn’t work, you and your friends did the logical thing and had a sleepover. I’m not sure why you’d want to have a sleepover when the fate of two universes hangs in the balance, but whatever. At least you got to steal Pinkie’s whipped cream.

And yes, Twilight has an atrocious singing voice. Did you know she tried to be a singer when she was younger? She called herself Twiley Cyrus. There’s still plenty of her old stuff on Hooftube if you want to watch it. I recommend the one with the wrecking ball.

Of course, before you could do any of that, you’d have to deal with the Singing Sushi Band. And to do that you had to perform better than anyone else. Somehow, I get the feeling that it would have been a lot easier if you had simply tied up any potential rivals and thrown them into your locker. Hell, even Trixie thought of something similar, so what’s stopping you? I mean, even if it pissed them off, it would have been for the good of the world, so they would have forgiven you in the end. Probably.

Anyway, you’re lucky DJ Hum4n was there to save your ass. And even more so that the microphone landed right in front of you. Can you imagine how hilarious it would have been if it had flown over the hill, landing far away from the battle so that nopony could sing anything anymore?

…Did I say hilarious? I meant awful. Yeah, awful.

Whatever. Please stop worrying about the seaponies. They’ll be all right. I mean, I doubt they’re going to try to seek revenge on you and everypony you love. In fact, I’m sure they’d be really happy to accept the magic of friendship. And you can team up with them to put an end to Rainbow Dash’s attention whore tendencies. Hell, Twilight has the perfect outfit for that.

So, in conclusion, it’s been quite delightful to write to you once more, Sunset Shimmer. I’m quite hopeful that you shall become a loved and respected member of your community under the watchful eye of your friends. On the other hoof, I’m worried about the effect that Twilight’s letters shall have on you. But to be honest, you’re in another universe with a portal that hardly ever opens, so it’s not my problem.

Your delightful former teacher, Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia:

I’m happy to say that the constant contact between the bald ape world and Equestria has been quite profitable. I decree that we shall open the portal permanently!

Your capitalist father, The Almighty Eternal President King Hasbro.

Dear Dad:

Aw, crapbaskets.

Your worried daughter, Celestia.

Dear Princess Celestia:

Our pendants broke. Can you send us some replacements?

Your three favorite singers, Adagio Dazzle, Aria Blaze, and Sonata Dusk.

Dear Sirens:

Sorry, I’m currently trying to prevent Equestria from being infested with bald monkeys.

Your former concert planner, Princess Celestia.

Dear Pinkie:

Please tell me when you have sleepovers. Boulder couldn't sleep.

Your sister, Maud.

Dear Sonata Dusk:

Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppt.

~Flufflepuff.

Dear Sonata Dusk:

What Flufflepuff meant was that she already is the Taco Mascot at Paco’s Tacos. And she also gets paid in tacos. So fuck off and get another job.

~ Chrysalis.

Dear Aria:

Let's blow this Taco Stand.

Sincerely: Adagio Dazzle.

P.S.: Get the camera ready. I want to preserve the moment when Sonata's heart breaks for all eternity.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Update from Canterlot High

Original letter here.

Dear Princess Twilight:

You’re using my book for that?!

Fuck it. I’m never writing to you again.

Your former student, Sunset Shimmer.

Author's Note

Honestly, I think two chapters about the same thing was kind of redundant. Especially when it had to do with... polarizing issues.

Fortunately, the last line of Twilight's response gave me the perfect thing to respond with.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: "The Inner Hue" Film Cancelled Amid Terrorist Threats

Original Chapter Here.

Dear Fried Chik Un:

If you’re so angry about the fact that the ponies want to make a movie about you getting killed, why not make a movie about the Equestrian Princesses getting killed? I’m sure your loyal subjects would absolutely love it!

Alternatively, if that’s too much work, why not threaten to send your agents to Pony Studios to mess up their next Spider-Mane movie?

~Mr. Q.

Dear Discord:

Have you been working with the Democratic Griffons’ Republic of Griffondor again?!

Your angry friend, Fluttershy.

Dear Fluttershy:

Me, work with nasty old President KFC? Even if I hadn’t been reformed, what kind of monster do you think I would be?!

And besides, the quality of the Pony Spider-Mane movies has been going downhill ever since the third one. How could Chicken Fried Steak possibly make the next one worse?

Your totally innocent friend, Discord.

Dear Discord:

So you have been working with North Griffondor.

Your very angry friend, Fluttershy.

P.S.: You do realize Pony decided to let Spider-Mane be a part of the Marevel Cinematic Universe, right? There may yet be hope for them, so I’d advise against screwing this up.

Author's Note

I was quite surprised when I first learned that Chicken Fried Steak didn't actually contain chicken.

And just for the record, I enjoyed both "Amazing Spider-Man" movies. I also think Andrew Garfield is a better Spider-Man than Tobey Maguire (Maguire, however, was a better Peter Parker). With that said, I'm unsure how long Sony can keep going this way by itself.

On the plus side, Sony finally made a deal with Marvel Studios (Just like How It Should Have Ended said they would).

P.S.: I think I'm going to skip the next bonus chapter. I'm not to keen on starting another flame war.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Gotta Bitch'em All

Author's Note

Original Letter Here.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Gotta Bitch'em All

Dearest Sister:

Thou art so nice when talking to interdimensional bald apes. Thou could really be nicer to thy own family (and thy people).

Sincerely, Luna.

Dear Princess Moonbutt:

Don’t get your hopes up. Celestia only opens portals to other dimensions when she gets really drunk. Sometimes the alcohol makes her nicer than usual.

Sincerely, Discord.

Dear Ash:

So, you can get a bunch of rare candies if you use an old man and a beach? Well, I may not have either of those, but I do know an old donkey, and I also know a nice pool. I'm going to experiment!

Sincerely, Pinkie Pie.

P.S.: You know, I can’t help but get the strange feeling that we could have had something special in another life.

Dear Pikachu:

Why are you so willing to accept that monkey’s dominion over you? I mean, I can’t escape Twilight because she has magic, and she’ll throw me into the fairy pit if I try to resist her. What about you? The Monkey doesn’t have any magic, and he doesn’t even lock you up into those prison balls! So what gives?!

Sincerely, Spike.

Dear Princess Celestia:

Having watched my subjects suffer at the hands of the humans, I have decided to remove them from Earth and move them (Along with those humans who I believe are worthy of salvation) to a world full of peace, love, friendship, and harmony. After much deliberation, I decided that Equestria is perfect for this purpose.

However, a cursory glance led me to realize that I was looking at the wrong version of Equestria. So if anything or anyone managed to communicate with your world, I offer my apologies.

Sincerely, Arceus, lord and god of all Pokémon.

Dear Applejack:

Me, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo are all going to the Pokemon world to get our cutie marks in Pokémon training. Smell ya later!

Future champion of the ~~Kanto~~ Equestria region, Apple Bloom.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Racial Freedom Restoration Act Passed

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Also, if you don't like politics and/or flame wars, don't read this.

Oh, who am I kidding, of course you're going to read this. (Grabs fireproof suit)

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Racial Freedom Restoration Act Passed

FOAL FREE PRESS
PONYVILLE PIZZERIA CLOSES FOLLOWING OUTRAGE OVER DISCRIMINATION

A local pizzeria has become one of the first establishments to take advantage of the newly-passed Religious Freedom act. Mare-mories Pizza owner, a crystal unicorn named O’Trottor, has publicly stated that they will not cater to weddings between ponies and non-ponies.

“It was written by Lord Hasbro in Celesticus 19:19: Thou shalt not mate different kinds of animals. We do not wish to have any part in the erosion of our country’s moral values.”

Needless to say, many ponies have been outraged by this, claiming that O’Trotter is merely using her religion as a way to justify her own bigotries.

“She wants to deny service to those who she disagrees with, and she believes that rules written thousands of years ago give her the right to discriminate,” says local hippie leader Fluttershy.

“Who even orders pizza for a wedding?!” says weather manager Rainbow Dash. “I mean, I love pizza as much as anypony else, but ponies don’t eat pizza at weddings!”

In the face of public outrage, Mare-mories Pizza has been forced to close down until further notice. In response, Princess Twilight Sparkle began a campaign to gather money to support them. Although nopony from Ponyville has contributed, citizens of Canterlot have already donated well over half a million bits to the cause.

“I refuse to stand idly while another pony is abused for following a righteous path,” says Princess Twilight Sparkle. “And besides, we all know that having sex with non-ponies is icky.”

In response, Anthropomorphic Believer Lyra Heartstrings pointed out the recent allegations of Twilight’s activities involving the mysterious portal located within her castle, claiming that the princess has herself engaged in interspecies affairs. Princess Twilight then proceeded to toss Ms. Heartstrings into a mirror.

Meanwhile, local party planner Pinkie Pie has offered to help Mare-mories Pizza install a number of high-quality animatronics, including a bear, a rabbit, and a chicken, claiming that they are “exactly what a Pizza Place like this deserves!”

Hiatus Finale: Letter From A Third Generation Friendship Student

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Hiatus Finale: Letter From A Third Generation Friendship Student

Dear Princess Celestia:

Don’t mind what Twilight just said. She just got through dropping a gallon of LSD.

Yes. A literal gallon. Out of a milk jug. We don’t even know where she got it from. She never leaves the castle.

Sincerely, Spike.

The Cutie Map

Author's Note

Original Letter Here.

The Cutie Map

Dear Sparky:

First off, let me say that your castle is absolutely beautiful. Why, I’m betting that if we could make a replica the size of a doll house, little fillies would be lining up cheerfully to buy one of their very own! Do you realize how much money you could make?

Oh, but what I love the most is that beautiful map it made for you and your buddies. You can see everypony’s houses from there! And, since it’s big enough to walk on, you can even pretend you’re a giant monster smashing everything! Why, just after you left, your Fax Machine tied up a big axe to his head and started flailing right through the imaginary Golden Gallop Bridge!

Anyway, since it apparently had a threat-seeking radar built in, you and your best friends had to go do hero-type stuff. I was thinking that you were going to activate your weird friendship laser thingies to magically zap out whatever evil was hanging out in Equestria today, but apparently you didn’t have to. Good thing too, because I sure didn’t want to see those Hasbro-awful manestyles, or hear Pinkie playing your “theme song” again.

And what was the name of that town again? Soviet Equalsville? I get the feeling that you could make a whole bunch of jokes about that. Like, for example, “In Soviet Equalsville, Fax Machine orders you.” Or “In Soviet Equalsville, muffins eat you.” Fitting, given how Pinkie almost died eating baked bads. Again.

But what intrigues me the most is this Starlight Glimmer pony. It amazes me that there are so many unicorns whose first name is synonymous with “Twilight” and whose last name is synonymous with “Sparkle.” It’s even more amazing that they all seem to have great talent with magic, and all of them seem to end up using it for evil (none more so than you). And what’s most amazing is how they always tend to end up becoming rulers of places that are too insignificant to bother with.

I mean, think about it. Starlight ruled a backwater town in the middle of nowhere, Sunset ruled a High School, and you rule a town full of inbred hicks. It really sucks, doesn’t it?

Of course, the similarities between you three are so uncanny, it’s almost as if the almighty King Hasbro has some sort of grand design for you all. Some sort of… marketing ploy.

…

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh that was so funny! As if you could ever be marketable!

*Ahem* It seems I have gotten off track. I’m certain that old sun-butt would love to have Glimmy on her side. I mean, even you could only switch your friends’ magic butt stickers around. Glimmy actually had the power to remove them! I mean, the only other being I ever knew who could do that was Tirek, and he’s practically a dark god! Also, he never gave anypony new butt stickers.

On the other claw, I have to admit, her replacement butt stickers were kind of lame. I mean, equal signs? They’re so boring! I wanted something with more pizazz! Like a handsome draconequus! Or better yet, why not give eyeryone a butt sticker that looked just like hers? That way she wouldn’t have had to hide it, nopony would ever have known she used ass makeup, and everypony would still be equal, and a few ponies would be more equal than others.

It’s such a shame that she had removed your butt stickers from the vault, though. If she’d kept them there, you and your friends could have captured Glimmy all on your own, instead of having to rely on a bunch of strangers to save your equalized asses.

Come to think of it, the last time you got your magic butt stickers removed, didn’t you use that weird magic rainbow to send Tirek back to his cage in Tartarus? Why didn’t you do that again this time? Did those equal stickers sap that out too? Or did you just not want to see those hideous manestyles or hear that theme song ever again? Or maybe it only works on big red demons from hell? Well, whatever the reason was, I’m certain it was a good one.

Anyway, it’s so nice to know that you’ve managed to save some backwater town from the evils of socialism, communism, fascism, imperialism, totalitarianism, and whatever other -isms that ponies love to complain about these days. Maybe you could write a book about it. You could probably title it “Killing Celestia” or something, just to get people’s attention.

Sincerely, Discord.

P.S.: On the subject of Shimmy and Glimmy: both of them were overthrown by a mysterious newcomer, after which their once-loyal subjects proceeded to hate and resent them. Kind of makes you wonder what'll happen to you, doesn't it?

Castle Sweet Castle

Author's Note

Original Letter Here.

Castle Sweet Castle

Dear Council of Friendship:

While watching your town, I have noticed a few strange occurrences throughout your little hellhole.

First off, Twilight seems to have deluded herself into thinking that she can join the Wonderbolts. Why else would she race Rainbow Dash 100 times? Did she make a bet with her in order to have her as a permanent sex slave? Well, I suppose it makes sense. Dash is quite a stunning pegasus specimen.

Second, she’s dug up a whole lot of graves over at Sweet Apple Acres. I mean, I know that there are plenty of ponies she wants to murder, but she ought to know that there are laws against burying ponies under our crops. They could rot and spread diseases to everypony that comes in contact with them.

Then there’s her spending an entire afternoon rearranging a single gem drawer. And her spending all night trying to find the perfect pancake recipe. And all the time she spent giving free baths for animals. That last one in particular boggles my mind the most; why would Twilight, smug princess extraordinaire, be so willing to get dirty with a bunch of animals?

So, it turns out she doesn’t like the castle. Big whoop, I don’t like her having a castle, and I’m not whining about it. Of course, I’m not sure why she even dislikes it. It’s a huge crystal castle shaped like a tree that practically screams “Look at me!” What more can Princess Twilight Sparkle want?

Oh, wait. I know. She wants Flash Sentry in her bed. Well, too bad, I’m keeping him in my fun-geon!

But why exactly would you want to help her? Are you hoping to make it look incredibly ugly so she hates it as much as everypony else? Or are you trying to hide weapons that will activate with no warning and kill her?

Well, that seems to be what Pinkie Pie wants, at least. Of course, there’s no way her confetti cannons will ever kill Twilight, unless they happen to be poison confetti cannons or something.

In any case, I must congratulate you for your complete lack of planning when it comes to house designs! You know how much easier it would have been to give each pony a single area to decorate? Rarity does the dining room and other formal areas, Applejack does the kitchen and other designated slave areas, Rainbow Dash does gym and other sports-related areas (If there isn’t one… uh… the library, I guess?), Fluttershy makes the bedroom look inviting (but not in a way that would attract any of Twilight’s potential suitors), and Pinkie… does whatever it is that she does.

Do you see how many headaches you could have saved yourselves?

But I digress. Your tree corpse chandelier was a stroke of genius. Now Twilight will never be able to enter that place without being mooned by the rotting corpse of the place she despised the most.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

“What is that?!”

Twilight’s eyes twitched at the sight of the chandelier hanging from the ceiling. It seemed to be made out of some sort of wood, from which several small gems were hanged.

However, what really shocked her was what was contained within those gems.

“Like it?” said Rarity.

“We made it from all the happy memories of your beloved Ponyville,” said Rainbow, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Like, remember when you first came here and you ate that delicious hot sauce cupcake?” said Pinkie.

“Or that one time you got turned into a statue by a cockatrice?” said Fluttershy.

“It also has that one time when the story about ya being a huge bitch got published in the Foal Free Press,” said Applejack.

“And did we mention that one time you spent a whole day chasing Celestia’s chicken, only to find out it had been trolling you the whole time?” said Rarity.

“Oh, and let’s not forget the time when I got to be part of a huge multi-Pinkie orgy and you weren’t invited,” said Rainbow.

“The point is, sugarcube,” said Applejack, “that this here chandelier will always be here to remind you just how much you hate Ponyville. And, just to hammer that point in like a nail in a barn, the whole thing is made with the roots of the Golden Oak library.”

“So you’ll always have a big tree zombie hanging out with you!” said Pinkie. “Get it? Hanging out!”

Twilight could barely hear the other ponies, however. The sheer anger she felt at seeing the atrocious thing was blurring everything else.

“This… thing has got to go NOW!!!”

In her anger, she blasted the tree with a huge amount of fire magic. However, to her shock, the tree chandelier was still perfectly intact.

“Oh, yes,” said Fluttershy. “Also, the whole Chandelier has been treated with a special magic-proof spray to prevent anypony from damaging it or taking it out. We thought you’d… need the precautions.”

Twilight screamed in rage and pointed her horn at her friends. However, at that moment, the confetti cannons went off, covering her from head to toe. As she shook it off, she once more tried to shoot her friends. When she tried, though, she found that her horn had become floppy.

“Oh, I forgot to mention,” said Pinkie. “I laced the confetti with a special Poison Joke-derived ointment which only works on alicorns. It basically neutralizes their magic and prevents them from using their magic to kill other ponies.”

“Wow, that was brilliant, Pinkie!” said Rainbow.

“You want brilliant?!” yelled Twilight. “How about I use all your skulls as lamps?! That’ll make this castle feel like a home!!!”

The other ponies ran away laughing as Twilight chased after them screaming bloody murder.

Bloom and Gloom

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Bloom and Gloom

Dear Cutie Markers:

Don’t listen to Luna. Her ideas always end in disaster. Just keep doing what you do and one day you’ll get your magic butt stickers!

Your very favorite Draconequus, Discord.

P.S.: I do love the chaos you three cause. It reminds me of my own childhood.

Dear Discord:

Aw, thanks for tellin’ me. When Luna told me ah was the second coming of Haysus, I got worried that I’d get nailed to a tree. Now I feel a whole lot better!

Sincerely, Apple Bloom.

P.S.: You had a childhood?

Dear Princess Luna:

I told you to stay the fuck out of my dreams! You may have given me an awesome night with Sunset Shimmer, but that does not give you permission to hijack my dreams and turn them into a porn studio!

Your angry fellow princess, Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Bad Seed:

We’re sorry! We won’t ever be mean to your ~~dumb~~ friends! We promise! Please don’t cut us!

Your scared former friends, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

Dear Princess Luna:

I really need those doors back.

Sincerely, Neo

Dear Apple Bloom:

You and your friends seem to have a lot of experience with dreams. Would you be interested in working with me?

Sincerely, Christopher Nolan.

Tanks For The Memories

Original letter here.

Dear Rainbow Dash:

You did pretty well for your first time trying to sabotage an entire season. Do you mind if I join you next time? I could teach you some of my favorite tricks!

Sincerely, The Grinch.

Dear Tank:

At least your master loves you. Mine just drags me around while bitching about how much he hates the whos and their Christmas carols and whatnot.

Sincerely, Max.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Tell those stupid inbred ponies to get their act together. A town that shifts its seasons whenever they want to is not a town that will be seen positively by the general populace.

…Or don’t. Canterlot will look good in comparison if you keep screwing up.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Dad:

You dumped me at an orphanage so you could become a pro hockey player?!

…I really hate you right now.

Your eternally-resentful daughter, Scootaloo.

P.S.: I hope you enjoy your father’s day present. It’s a box full of twittermites trained to attack anything that smells like you.

Author's Note

I originally planned to write an entire parody of the Grinch's song, but I couldn't come up with anything good.

Secondly, sorry for the lack of Game of Thrones references. I don't watch GoT.

Finally, for those of you who can't remember the episode, that last letter referred to this guy:

Make New Friends But Keep Discord

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Make New Friends But Keep Discord

Dear Fleur de Lis:

I’ve received word that you wish to create your own gala. If you wish to do so, you must gain approval from the Celestial Gala Administration in order to receive approval. If it is found to not conform to the standards set by the crown, it shall be forbidden.

In addition, you and every member of the Canterlot Snob Cult or whatever are hereby required to attend every single Grand Galloping Gala from now on. Failure to attend shall be punishable by mooning.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Discord:

Can I have my cardboard box back?

Sincerely, Solid Snake.

Dear Tree Hugger:

Okay, I got you enough weed to last the entire Grand Galloping Gala. So pay up now!

Sincerely, Pinkie Pie.

~~Dearest~~ Sister:

Would you care to explain why I did not receive a ticket this year?! I think I’ve made it clear that I deserve to go as much as anypony! And for that matter, why did Discord get invited?! He went and invited the smooze, and you know how that turned out!

Your angry sister, Luna.

Dear Lulu:

Say whaaaaat? I’m sure you must have received your tickets! And besides, I never invited Discord! You must be imagining things!

Your totally honest sister, Celestia.

Dear Smooze:

I thought your ooze was supposed to consume everything! How am I supposed to explain this to the rest of the cult?! Rarity’s already screaming at me for tricking her into donating her sister’s college money!

Sincerely, Fluttershy.

Dear Twilight:

Stay the fuck out of my barn.

Sincerely, Big Macintosh.

The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone

Dear Diary:

Today the threat-detection radar thing on my table map went off, pointing in the direction of Griffonstone. Naturally, I was kind of pissed about this. After all, Griffonstone is a dump so terribly broken and corrupt that it makes Ponyville looks like Hayven on earth in comparison. Not only is everything falling apart, but the locals are corrupt, greedy assholes who will take any opportunity they can to take advantage of you.

Fortunately, after a series of redirections that had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me, the map began to display only the cutie marks of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Then, when those two nitwits arrived, I gave them a flowery account of how beautiful Griffonstone was and what a rich and honorable history it had.

Note that, thanks to my clever use of the past tense, I never had to lie to them. Griffonstone was once a shining example of everything a civilization should aspire to, and so I could tell them everything about how it used to be in its golden age in order to get them excited about the journey ahead. Then, with a little luck, whatever horrible threat is awaiting them in Griffonstone will eat them before they can ever suspect my treachery.

It’s absolutely brilliant. I will get out of monster-hunting duty, and the town junkie and attention whore will both die horribly. Good riddance.

~Twilight Sparkle

Dear Pinkie:

Your boyfriend is a rock.
He’s sort of a jock,
But comes from fine stock,
And has a fine cock.

~Maud Pie.

Why, I wonder, am I stuck here?

Mistress Pinkie left me here to help her bake her cake. But how can I help her bake when I cannot even lift a mere whisk?

Indeed, there is so little I can do to help her. She bounces, skips, and even flies with such boundless energy. And yet all I can do is stare off into the endless void, unable to assist her with even the most minute of duties. Why does she care for me so deeply? Me, who cannot even help her with the preparation of a mere cake?

Mistress Pinkie has gone out on an adventure with her rainbow-maned friend. I can only imagine what she will do. And yet, throughout it all, she will prevail as she always does, with her inmeasurable and boundless energy. And she expects me to have her cake ready when she arrives. But I am incapable of fulfilling that desire. How can I ever face her knowing how deeply I have failed?

I have no hooves, and I must bake.

Slice of Life

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Slice of Life

FOAL FREE PRESS
WEDDING DAY MARRED BY MONSTER ATTACK AND SCHEDULING ERRORS

A couple in the town of Ponyville nearly had to cancel their wedding plans due to an unexpected error in the invitations; due to mistakes made by a mailpony identified only as “Muffins,” the date printed on the cards was listed as one day earlier than had been planned. As a result, the couple, donkeys Cranky Doodle and Matilda, were faced with a choice between rescheduling their wedding and canceling it altogether.

“In the end, we decided that the only choice was to move everything up to today,” Matilda says. “We’d rather have a rushed ceremony than not get married at all. We’ve been waiting far too long already.”

Unfortunately, while the couple scrambled to get their act together, a monstrous bugbear decided to attack the town. Fortunately, Princess Twilight and her harem were able to bring the beast under control before it could cause too much damage. In addition, reports indicate that an unknown benefactor known only as “Agent Sweet E. Drops” was somehow involved in the conflict.

In the end, despite the many issues facing them, the couple was finally married. However, even after the ceremony, a final unexpected surprise followed: a changeling was spotted among the guests, after which it successfully evaded capture. Princess Celestia, who was present at the ceremony, insists that the Ponyville guard is incompetent.

“That bug was there for hours, and then it just slips away without anypony to catch it. Why? I don’t know, but it sure isn’t my responsibility!”

After the ceremony, several other couples expressed a desire to get married. In particular, a lesbian couple consisting of earth pony Bonbon and unicorn Lyra Heartsrings are already making plans for their own wedding.

“Up until recently, we couldn’t openly express our love for each other,” Heartstrings explains. “Due to laws restricting our rights, as well as people’s opinions about our love, we had to maintain the true nature of our relationship a secret, only ever referring to each other as ‘best friends.’”

“Fortunately,” Bonbon says, “public opinion on homosexual marriage has become much more accepting over the years. And, thanks to the Equestrian Supreme Court’s most recent ruling on marriage equality and gay rights, we can finally be united in matrimony!”

The editors would like to congratulate these two mares, as well as any couple who wishes to get married, regardless of class, race, or gender.

Princess Spike

Original letter here.

Dear Diary:

Today I finally succeeded in freeing myself of the tyranny of the Starbutt! Hallelujah!

Sincerely, Spike.

Author's Note

Um, yeah. I spent months trying to come up with a witty response, but this is all I could think of.

I'm not sure if that says more about me or about the episode, but I'd rather not blame myself, so I'll say it was the episode.

Party Pooped

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Party Pooped

FOAL FREE PRESS
YAKYAKISTAN DECLARES PEACE WITH EQUESTRIA; PRINCESS OF FRIENDSHIP SUFFERS BREAKDOWN

Earlier today, Prince Rutherford of Yakyakistan declared that Equestria would henceforth be considered an ally of Yakyakistan. Furthermore, Yakyakistan would resume trading with Equestria, allowing Equestrian industries to once again have access to Yakyakistan’s vast oil reserves.

“At first ponies make mockery of yak traditions, so yak smash!” says Prince Rutherford. “But then ponies show yaks how nice everything in Equestria is! Therefore, yaks no smash them! Yaks and ponies be friends for a thousand moons!”

“Also, ponies give us lots of gold for oil,” he adds. “Yaks like shiny gold!”

As an offering of friendship, the Apple family gave the yaks a special apple tree that had been genetically modified to survive even in the harsh cold of Yakyakistan. Prince Rutherford happily accepted this offering, promising to share its fruits with every yak in his homeland.

However, the festivities were cut short when the Princess of Friendship refused to show up. When messengers were sent to retrieve her, she refused to set foot outside the castle, which had a ring of quesadillas surrounding it. When asked why, she simply tossed the messengers out.

“I can come out whenever I want!” she said, all the while eyeing the quesadilla ring nervously. “I just don’t want to right now!”

Various officials have been asked about her mysterious behavior. The element bearers simply stated that she had probably been drugged. Princess Celestia has stated that she doesn’t care, adding “Princess Twilight nearly started a war with Yakyakistan. It’s best that she remain far away from these matters.”

Dear Diary:

Today my friends stumbled into my basement. Luckily, they only found my party archives. I’m so glad they didn’t go too far, because they came very close to finding the cupcake station.

On the other hoof, I would have enjoyed having them over. Especially Dashie.

~Pinkie

Amending Fences

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Amending Fences

Dear Moondancer:

I think I should warn you: Twilight has a rare form of alicorn STD which has no known cure. Have fun!

~Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I’ve currently found myself with a surplus of romance novels, and thus I have decided to give the ones I can spare to you. Once again, have fun!

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

On second thought, I’m perfectly happy living my life as a friendless loser. You know, like somepony I know.

And besides, that book trick you showed me can keep me happy for as long as I live. Especially with all those smutty books the Princess just gave me.

~Moondancer.

P.S.: Flash Sentry and your brother both agree that I’m hotter than you.

Dear Minuette:

Twilight fired me a week ago. I’m just messing with people now.

~Spike.

Dear Lyra:

Why would I want to invite you? You’re a sicko with a human fetish.

~Twilight.

Dear Twilight:

Oh yeah, and what about you and your mirror world adventures? Yeah, I know about them, and I’ve seen what you’ve been doing with Sunset Shimmer. And you call me a sicko?!

~Lyra Heartstrings

Dear Sunset Shimmer:

Do you mind if I drop off a ~~friend~~ dangerous terrorist in your world? I’m certain that your world is more than capable of handling anything she can do against you.

~Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Starlight Glimmer:

I know you want to bang my sexy plot, but you’re a wanted criminal. Why are you spending so much time hanging out in the open like that? Get a better disguise!

~Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S.: I should warn you that if you get caught, I shall make sure that justice is served. Sweet, sweet justice. And I can guarantee that I will make you scream. Oh yes, you will scream.

Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?

Dear Princess Bitchiness:

I appreciate your attempts to cheer me up, as dickish as they may have been. However, I can assure you that, regardless of what Discord will tell you, drinking spoiled milk laced with LSD will not give you an accurate idea of what Equestria went through when I first became Nightmare Moon.

I can assure you that you are not the first princess to have become sick of my sister’s shit, and I can promise you that you will not be the last. From the moment she was born, my dear sister’s sole goal in life was to make everypony else’s life a living Tartarus. In the bleak days before I fell from grace, my poor little ponies had to live with her constant trolling, as well as her constant demands for cake and bananas. Anypony who displeased her in any way was banished to the moon, or locked in a dungeon, or banished to the moon and locked in a moon dungeon.

As you can imagine, I sought to change that. I gathered a loyal group of followers who agreed that the tyrant needed to die. Unfortunately, our coup ended in failure; all those who followed me were killed, and I, of course, was banished to the moon. For the next ten centuries, I was left to think about how the many ponies who followed me had died in vain, how all our efforts had failed to put an end to my sister’s tyrannical reign, and how it was my leadership that led all those innocent ponies to their deaths.

These were very unpleasant thought. I was wracked by guilt; the blood of countless innocent ponies was on my hooves, and nothing I could do would change this. The only saving grace was that the many foals I’d rescued were still safe. Even then, I didn’t know if they would manage to survive on their own, and perhaps I never will.

Still, perhaps they did survive. Perhaps their descendants are still out there. While it is very delicate, there is still a fragile flicker of hope.

Even so, I had been the cause of terrible suffering, and once I returned, I vowed never to let it happen again. That is why I created the Tantabus; to remind me of what happens when you try to overthrow the Almighty Princess Celestia.

Remember this, Princess Twilight, for if you ever attempt to defy my sister, she will do terrible things to you.

Your concerned fellow monarch, Princess Luna.

P.S.: Those colors on your Super-Manes are unbelievably ugly. When I first saw them I was certain that the Tantabus was feeling extra-cruel.

Dear Big Macintosh:

I’m sorry, but we are not currently accepting applications for royalty.

With that being said, I’m sure you could find a great new job in my bedroom.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Ponyville:

All hail me! For I am great and mighty!

Sincerely, ~~Bright Eyes~~ ~~Ditzy~~ ~~Derpy~~ Muffins

P.S.: CURSE YOU HASBROOOOO!!!

Dear Princess Luna:

Did you check your totems? For all we know, you might not have woken up from such an exhausting dream adventure.

Sincerely, Dom Cobb

Canterlot Boutique

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Canterlot Boutique

Dear Coco Pommel:

Did you do so poorly at that costume gig that nopony else wanted to hire you again? Well, I'm sorry, but I only hire the highest-quality servants.

Sincerely, Rarity.

Dear Coco Puffs:

Don't worry. You'll get another chance in about two episodes.

Sincerely, Discord.

P.S.: Seriously, how did you make that amazing rainbow thread?

Dear Rarity:

Would you mind to explain why you made dresses based on Celestia, Luna, and Twilight, but not me?

Sincerely, Cadance.

P.S.: if you make me a dress, could you do me a favor and make it a bit larger than usual around the hips? I have... reasons to need extra space.

Dear Fashion Plate:

You keep stealing my expressions, and I will find Starlight Glimmer and have her zap you like she's never zapped anypony before.

Sincerely, Party Favor.

Dear Moondancer:

Sure, why not. But there's only one bed, so we'll have to share.

Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.

Friendship Games

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Friendship Games

Dear Superintendent Discord:

Principal Abacus Cinch has been blackmailing me by refusing to approve my application to Everton unless I participate in the Friendship Games. I have video and audio recordings to prove it. I await your reply.

Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Rainbow Dash:

How the fuck did you figure out that my hair is naturally lavender?!

Sincerely, Adagio Dazzle

P.S.: Would you, by any chance, know where I can get a whole lot of bottles of cheap orange dye? Because the designer stores won't let me take any of it now that I can't brainwash them, and I have a lot of hair that is going to lose its beautiful orange color.

Dear Principal Cinch:

Could you remind me again why these games are referred to as the "Friendship" Games when there is no actual friendship involved?

Sincerely, Celestia.

Dear Principal Celestia:

We originally planned on using a different name. Unfortunately, it was taken by Suzanne Collins.

Ah well. Happy Friendship Games, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

Sincerely, Principal Cinch.

P.S.: Ah, who am I kidding? We both know the odds will never be in your favor.

Dear Principals Celestia and Cinch:

Would either of you care to explain why chemistry, cake making, birdhouse building, and mathematics are used to detemine who gets to participate in a sports competition?!

Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Now that I have the ability to speak my mind and communicate on a deep and meaningful level, I'm pretty sure that I count as a fully sentient being. And as such, I have certain rights, including the right to decide for myself what I do with my own body.

So... could you please be a nice girl and cancel next week's visit to the vet?

Sincerely, Spike.

Twilight and Spike gasped as the spell landed them in yet another alternate timeline.

"Starliiiiight!!!" Twilight yelled. "I will fucking murder you!!!"

"Yeah, good luck with that," said Spike. "So... what kind of freaky alternate timeline did we land in this time?"

Twilight shook her head and looked around. Surprisingly, everything seemed... normal. Pegasi flew in the skies, ponies trotted through the streets, and no sign of disaster could be seen anywhere.

"That's strange," said Twilight. "Why hasn't Equestria fallen into chaos this time?"

"I dunno," said Spike. "Maybe Starlight had second thoughts and decided to help Celestia defeat all the evil beings who tried to attack Equestria?"

Twilight rolled her eyes.

"Stop being an idiot, Fax Machine. Now keep your eyes peeled. There's no telling what kind of peril awaits us this-"

Before she could say any more, a huge crack of pure magic formed above their heads.

"What the hell?!"

Twilight and Spike watched in shock as more cracks formed all across their field of vision. Their eyes then widened as the cracks began to widen, revealing a large number of terrified creatures. However, what immediately caught their attention was exactly what the creatures were.

"Are those... humans?! Twilight! Those are humans!"

Twilight stared blankly as a number of humans began to fall off the edges of the cracks. She then turned around, and watched as ponies everywhere fled in terror at the sight of the strange apelike creatures falling into their world.

Her horn began to shimmer, activating the time-traveling spell once again. As she grabbed Spike and prepared to jump into the portal, she said one word.

"Nope."

"I understand you, Twilight. And I want to show you the most important magic of all!"

Sunset Shimmer then tossed the device onto the floor, releasing the magic that it had captured. As she absorbed it, her appearance changed; her clothes were replaced by a long white dress, her hair became light and wavy, a long horn formed atop her head, and a pair of wings made of light formed on her back.

"The Magic of Friendship!"

Her friends smiled as Sunset activated her new-found magic powers to close the cracks in reality. Midnight Sparkle grimaced in shock, only to scowl as she attacked Sunset. The two girls aimed at each other and released two massive blasts of magic at each other. For a moment it seemed that Sunset was going to come out on top; however, Midnight's magic soon began to overwhelm her.

As all this went on, Spike watched in horror as the girl who had raised him attempted to destroy everything he'd ever known.

"I have to stop this!"

Much to Fluttershy's shock, he wiggled out of her grasp and ran towards her...

...only to fall into one of the cracks.

"SPIKE!" Fluttershy yelled, lunging after him in an attempt to save him. Unfortunately, this only succeeded in causing her to fall in as well. Even worse, Sunset realized what had happened, and looked downwards.

"Fluttershy!"

Before Sunset could realize the mistake she'd made, Midnight's magic had already atomized her.

"YES!!!" Midnight cheered. "Now nothing can stop me!"

As students ran away in horror, Midnight blasted more and more holes into the fabric of reality, causing various students to fall into Equestria screaming.

*2 hours later*

"And then I blasted everyone who tried to oppose me!"

All around Midnight Sparkle, the other patrons of the pub cheered in approval. The bartender, an old man with pale, wrinkly skin, chuckled as he used some sort of magic to levitate a mug of cider.

"Well done, young Midnight," he said as he set the mug in front of the girl. "Here, have a drink."

"Oh, I'm not sure," said Midnight. "I'm not old enough to drink."

"Oh, come on, Sparkly!" said the man next to her, a man with pale skin and green hair. "You've gone further than anyone in this pub could even have dreamed of! You deserve to treat yourself! Besides, life is meaningless if you aren't willing to bend the rules every now and then."

Midnight rolled her eyes playfully. "Oh, all right. But just this once!"

As she gulped down the cider, another patron, who was wearing a green and yellow coat, began to speak.

"So, Midnight Sparkle. What, pray tell, are you planning to do now?"

"Oh, that's easy," said Midnight. "I'm going to find out everything about this magic!"

"Well, that seems a bit boring," said a noseless man in black robes. "I mean, there are plenty of us here who understand magic quite well, you know. And none more so than me!"

"Oh, I'm aware of that," said Midnight. "But I'm trying to understand Equestrian magic."

"Isn't that in the other dimension?" asked the bartender. "How do you plan on getting there?"

"By ripping this dimension apart, of course!" Midnight answered with a huge smile.

For am moment, the other patrons burst into laughter. Midnight watched them as they did so, her smile never faltering. After a moment, however, the green-haired man stopped and stared at her, his eyes widening.

"Oh god, you're serious."

At that moment, the floor beneath them opened up, dropping every single person except for Midnight into Equestria.

"I did it first!" a metallic being with glowing red eyes yelled.

*10 seconds later, across the street*

"YAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Rainbow Dash landed on top of a table, too stunned to care who had been sitting at it. She then shook herself out of her stupor and looked towards the window.

"Oh no! Twilight's gonna destroy everything!"

"Okay, first off, who's Twilight? And second, why are you on top of our table?"

Rainbow blinked, and turned towards the two strange figures who she had just landed in front of. The one who had spoken to her was wearing a suit that was mostly blue, with the exception of the red "S" on his chest, as well as his red cape and his red... underwear. His companion was wearing a black and gray suit with a stylized bat logo on his chest and belt.

"No time to explain!" she yelled. "We need to stop Twilight from destroying-"

"Whoa, calm down," said the blue-suit man. "How is this "Twilight" going to destroy-"

Before he could say any more, the buildings outside began to collapse into the cracks that were now overtaking the whole city.

"Oh."

"Yeah!" said Rainbow. "I thought Sunset would be able to stop her, but she got vaporized! And none of us have any magic left, so there's no way we can-"

"Here, I have something for that."

Rainbow looked back at the black-masked man, who was pulling something out of his belt. She raised an eyebrow as he handed her a blue feather.

"Um, thanks?" she said as she grabbed the feather. "But I don't see how this is going to-"

Suddenly, she felt a surge of energy overtake her. She then felt a familiar sensation as her hair and ears began to grow and wings sprouted from her back.

"Aw yeah!" she said with a grin. "Now that's what I'm talking about!"

With a fierce determination in her eyes, she sped off into the sky as more of the city began to collapse. The man in the blue suit watched her fly away in shock, before turning back to his companion.

"Dare I ask why you had a pegasus feather in your utility belt?"

"Because I'm Batman!!!"

The blue suited man groaned and leaned back in his chair. He then looked out the window, only to gasp as he saw a familiar rainbow streak pass by the window again... and again... and again.

"Is she trying to..."

"She is."

*1 week earlier*

"As I was saying, Twilight Sparkle, I have plenty of influence over-"

Twilight grimaced as her Principal droned on about how she could easily convince the school board to approve her application to Everton... or deny it. Her entire future now hanged in the balance, and the only way she could ensure she got what she wanted was by doing exactly what Cinch told her to do.

...Or, it would have been that way, were it not for a certain high-speed rainbow projectile bursting in at that precise moment and socking Cinch in the face.

"Hah! Take that, Principal A-bore-cus Witch!"

Still shocked by the sudden assault on her principal, it took Twilight a moment to realize that someone was now there with her. As she turned around, she gasped as she saw a rainbow-haired girl with birdlike wings and horse ears looking at her. Even more surprising was the friendly smile and outstretched hand the girl was giving her.

"Hi, I'm Rainbow Dash. Wanna be friends?"

Twilight stared at the girl, unsure of what to do. She had never really considered the possibility of making friends, partly due to her shy nature, and partly due to the selfish nature of most students at Crystal Prep. However, the girl in front of her had not only saved her from Cinch's blackmail, but had apparently done so solely out of the goodness of her heart.

And maybe a little bit of a desire to punch Cinch in the face. Everyone had that.

Slowly, Twilight extended her own hand and grabbed Rainbow's. A small smile formed on her face.

"I think I'd like that."

Made in Manehattan

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Made in Manehattan

Dear Rarity:

Remember how much fun we had at last year's Sisterhooves Social? Yeah, I didn't think so, because somepony decided that it would be a perfect time to take a fucking day off to go sightseeing in Manehattan!!!

Your extremely pissed sister, Sweetie Belle.

Dear Applejack:

You do realize how much I look forward to the Sisterhooves Social every year, right? And you do realize that "I was called to duty by a table" does not count as a valid excuse, right? And you do realize that I could hear you and Rarity through the walls during your last "slumber party," right?

You know what? Fuck you and your marefriend. Next year I'm going with Big Mac to the Brohoof Bash.

Sincerely, Apple Bloom.

Dear Apple Bloom:

Don't worry, you won't have to wait for next year.

Sincerely, Big Mac.

Dear Big Mac:

Say what?

Sincerely, Apple Bloom.

Dear Coco Puffs:

You know, if you needed help setting up a play in Manehattan, I would have been happy to lend a helping hoof. After all, any mare who has the sort of skill needed to create such an amazing spool of thread deserves all the help they can get!

And besides, I could have used my powers to make your little play an undeniably unforgettable experience for everypony involved. Provided, of course, that I could get around your city's pesky "No chocolate milk rain" laws.

Sincerely, Discord.

Dear Moondancer:

I have been really bored as of late. Therefore, I shall be requesting your presence in the Castle tonight. I assure you, it will be an excellent opportunity for you to meet my student, Sunset Shimmer, and my former rival, Trixie Lulamoon. And believe me, we will have so much fun.

Your old friend, Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: If possible, bring a couple of guards along. I hear there's a talented young pegasus from the Crystal Empire visiting this week.

Brotherhooves Social

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Brotherhooves Social

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I wished to go to the Sisterhooves Social this year, but I was unable to do so due to my sister suffering a bizarre mental breakdown. Thus I was left with a great deal of free time, which I decided to spend by observing the Social from afar.

To say that I was perplexed would be an understatement. Apparently, it is perfectly acceptable for ponies who are not blood-related siblings (or formally adopted siblings) to participate together. Note the use of the word "siblings," as it is also acceptable for male ponies to enter the competition, provided they have dressed like mares. Finally, while sisterhood is never limited to just two individuals, I could find no indication of any teams that did not consist of exactly two ponies. Never three, four, or more ponies, only groups of two. Needless to say, I am worried about what this implies for triplets.

Regardless, I am most curious about the stallion. I did not know that it was acceptable to dress as a pony of the opposite gender while competing in a tournament for the opposite gender. Have these things really changed that much since my banishment? Back then ponies like him would have been burned at the stake. I always thought it was a bit extreme.

It appears I shall have to investigate more in order to find the answers. I shall speak to you further at a later date.

Sincerely, Luna.

Dear Luna:

Were you saying something? I was having fun times with some friends of mine.

Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: Moondancer tells me she couldn't find a certain guard. Could you please send Flash Sentry to the friendship castle?

Dear Cadance:

When we go to Ponyville next week to tell my sister the news, can I be dressed like a mare? It's the only way I can feel safe with her around.

Your worried husband, Shining Armor.

Dear Diary:

Ever since the Fall Formal, I've been learning more and more about the world that Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer, and the Dazzlings came from. This has gotten me thinking, and I have come to a most shocking conclusion.

You see, my parallel self in their universe is a princess. This, in and of itself, is astounding. However, princesshood in that world is far more exciting than in ours, for the princesses are alicorns. From what I understand, this means that they carry the shared traits of the three other pony races; strength, flight, and magic. More importantly, my counterpart has ruled the land for well over a thousand years, and she has complete control over the sun. And she has faced beings so powerful, they could destroy the world a thousand times over.

My counterpart does this. MY counterpart. A humble school principal's counterpart is an immortal sun goddess.

But that means...

I AM A GODDESS!!!

Sincerely, Celestia, goddess of Canterlot High School.

Dear Principal Cinch:

I should warn you to be wary of my sister. She has gone mad with power.

...Well, madder than the time she sent me to space camp for six weeks.

Sincerely, Vice Principal Luna.

Crusaders of the Lost Mark

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Crusaders of the Lost Mark

Dear Diamond Tiara:

You have no business disrespecting your mother, young lady. She works very hard to make sure you have a good childhood. Her financial savvy has saved your miserable little school from ruin more times than you've whined about those blank flanks!

Glory to Chrysalis...

And furthermore, your attitude lately has really dsappointed me. You used to hold your head up high above everypony else, showing off how much better you were! Now you're acting as if you're their equal! Next you're going to tell me that you want to live in a town where everypony surrenders their cutie marks for the sake of equality!

Destroy the princesses...

In any case, I shall hear no more of this disrespectful attitude towards your mother, young lady! I shall be merciful this time, but next time you insult my darling, angelic wife, there shall be consequences!

Your angry father, Filthy Rich.

P.S.: Chrysalis shall have her revenge.

Dear Cutie Markers:

Congratulations on getting your magic butt stickers! I must say, they are truly a thing of beauty! Especially yours, Scootaloo. I love how the wing shows your great flying talent!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy whatever it is you're supposed to be doing. Although I will admit I will miss the many ways you three cause chaos in Ponyville. It was so beautiful.

...Maybe I could give you some new mark shield flying boards! Those would be so amazing, wouldn't they?

Your friend, Discord.

Dear Cutie Mark Crusaders:

While I am happy that you have made your mark, I must warn you that other fillies and colts will soon grow jealous of your cutie marks. And they will grow particularly jealous once they realize that your cutie marks symbolize how strong your friendships are, while not doing anything to show how your friendships with anypony else can be. Believe me, I have seen firsthand how cutie marks can tear ponies apart.

With that said, I have a wonderful way to prevent anypony from feeling left out!

Sincerely, Starlight Glimmer.

Dear Spike:

You should know by now that only girls get character development. The writers hate us for having penises.

Sincerely, Flash Sentry.

P.S.: Want to hang out?

The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows

Dear Cadance:

You mean... you could be my mommy?

YES!!! I ACCEPT!!!

Your new daughter, Scootaloo.

Dear Fax Machine:

That was Action Comics #1. Supermane's first comic. The single most sought after comic in the world. And you burned it.

When I am done with you, there won't be enough to identify you as a dragon. Or, for that matter, as anything that was ever alive.

Very angrily, Shining Armor.

P.S.: What I do with my Sailor Moon comics is none of your business.

Dear Fax Machine:

Though you may have fucked up Shining Armor's comic book, you still have a chance of redeeming yourself. I want my brother delivered to my bedroom tonight. Preferably bound so he won't try to escape. After that I want you to keep Cadance occupied so I won't be bothered. Try helping her with that chicken she decided to adopt.

Do not fuck up my night, or I will make you wish you never came out of that egg.

Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Shining Armor and Cadance:

I just heard the news! Congratulations! I hope your baby will be a beautiful little bundle of joy!

So... may I be the godfather?

Sincerely, Discord.

Dear Cadance:

Congratulations! I can already tell that your foal will be a big bundle of joy!

So, seeing as I am undoubtedly going to be the godmother, I'd be happy to teach your child everything I know. Wouldn't that be great?

Your loving aunt, Celestia.

Dear Cadance:

Since I'm the only pony qualified to be the godmother, I obviously deserve certain... privileges.

Basically, your husband has to spend some "fun time" with me.

You can start next week. Don't worry about tonight, I already have plans.

Your favorite sister-in-law, Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Luna:

Would you like to be the godmother? You're the only pony I can trust.

Sincerely, Cadance.

P.S.: Please help me rescue my husband. His crazy sister is holding him hostage and has her Fax Machine as a guard.

Hearthbreakers

Original letter here.

Dear Limestone Pie:

You have Boulder cleaning duty today. Good luck getting all the sticky stuff off.

Your very happy sister, Marble Pie.

Dear Holder's Boulder:

I feel your pain.

Sincerely, King Grover.

P.S.: Tell Marble Pie that her sister needs to clean me. Nogriffin want to do it unless they get paid. Or even if they get paid, for that matter.

Dear Big Macintosh:

Doesn't it bother you that you're in love with your cousin?

Sincerely, Apple Bloom.

Dear Apple Bloom:

Your parents were cousins too, so you should shut up.

Sincerely, Twilight.

Dear Applejack:

Did you hear that Lunabucks has forgone its usual Hearth's Warming decorative cups and released cups that are just red all over?! This is clearly an attempt to destroy the deeply-held Celestian values that we hold to be the center of our Hearth's Warming celebration! We cannot allow the Hasbro-haters to wage their war on Hearth's Warming! It is blasphemy!

Your worried fellow Celestian, Limestone Pie.

P.S.: Please tell your brother to stop fucking my sister. Pre-marital sex is clearly forbidden.

Author's Note

If those of you who live under a rock, there's been a controversy with Starbucks and their red cups. In a nutshell, the "Yahweh-or-the-highway" people say that the lack of Christmas-y things on their cups is part of the so-called "War on Christmas."

Me? I think they're great for doing this:

Scare Master

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Scare Master

Dear Fluttershy:

I must say, your first attempt at terrifying your friends was rather lackluster. However, I did enjoy your little drawings. I had no idea you were into Japonese comics! You should consider working for an art company.

Also, that little smile of yours was absolutely adorable.

Even so, your second attempt was far more effective. I loved how that little monster that calls itself a rabbit managed to plan out every little detail to absolute perfection! I'll admit, I'm somewhat disappointed that your rabbit is so much better at this than you are, but I at least know that you'll always be able to count on him to save you from any awkward situations you may have in the future! Just make sure you let him know who you want to keep alive.

As for you, I think you should keep the vampire getup. It really gives you a dark and moody appeal. Just please don't add any sparkles.

Your friend, Discord.

Dear Fluttershy:

If you wanted to scare your friends, you should've invited them into your shed.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

My father, King Hasbro, was trying to have both holidays happen in order. However, there was a re-arrangement of the order of the ~~episode schedule~~ calendar, and so things got a bit messed up. Alas, this left us with some strange quirks, such as summer turning into winter which led to fall, but that's not something terribly uncommon. Calendar shifts happen all the time in this country. Remember how we ended winter two weeks before beginning fall last year?

On the plus side, the Cutie Branded Crusaders wore full-body costumes, so nopony questions the sudden disappearance of their cutie marks.

Sincerely, Celestia.

P.S.: Apparently some idiot didn't get the memo about the calendar shift, because we did, indeed, celebrate Nightmare Night at the proper time. And then we did it again tonight. Somepony's gonna become an astronaut!

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

You dressed up as me? You flatter me, you Trojan Whorse.

...Now could you please help me escape Celestia's fun-geon?

Sincerely, Flash Sentry.

What About Discord?

Author's Note

Original letter here.

What About Discord?

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I'm honestly surprised that you consider sorting books to be a relaxing and leisurely activity. So much, in fact, that I'm beginning to suspect that you were just using this as a cover to ensure nopony was curious about your activities. So what were you really doing?

Actually, don't answer that. You were obviously finding a way to invade my fun-geon and rescue your Fish Senpai. Well, I sure as hell ain't gonna let that happen!

Sincerely, Celestia.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

I hear that you missed out on a whole weekend of fun with your friends. Isn't that a shame? I mean, if you were all equally interested in books and sorting, then you all could have had an equally fun time together, right?

Sincerely, an anonymous observer.

"WHY IS THE DAMN POTION NOT WORKING?!"

Twilight's friends winced as she yelled out in frustration. Then, to their surprise, Discord materialized right over her shoulder.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, dear Twiley. I know how much you enjoy spending time with your friends."

"Ha!" laughed Rainbow. "She doesn't enjoy anything! The only reason she even spends time with us is because she wants to get us into her bed!"

"Shut up, Dash!" said Twilight. "I'm a princess! I can hang out with whoever I want to! And I can have anypony I could ever wish in my bed!"

"Except for Flash Sentry!" Pinkie Pie yelled out, causing Twilight to scowl, and everypony else (and Discord) to laugh.

"Well... maybe I just don't want him in my bed!" she said ineffectually. "And besides, if you guys are going to be doing something fun, then you should at least tell me before you do it! I am the Princess of Friendship-"

"Or Fiendship," Discord interrupted.

"Friendship," Twilight repeated, "and I deserve to be included in such activities!"

Discord lifted an eyebrow, then used it to playfully tickle Twilight's snout.

"Aww, poor Twiley. Is this what it's all about?"

"Well, that and us being friends with you," said Fluttershy. "She thinks that you used a spell on us, and that's why we're so friendly with you."

Discord stopped tickling Twilight, who was now glaring angrily at him, and stared blankly at Fluttershy.

"She thinks I brainwashed you into loving me?" he asked.

"Apparently," said Rarity, "it never occurred to her that you simply might be much more pleasant than her."

Discord rolled his eyes, causing them to fall out of their sockets and fall onto Twilight, who just barely resisted the urge to stomp them into mush.

"Well, that is a rather interesting idea," he said. "Of course, there is a simpler explanation. And as Occamare's razor explains, that tends to be the right one."

He then snapped his talons, causing a huge glass jar to appear on the cutie map right in front of Twilight.

"It seems to me, my friends, that Twiley..."

Twilight's eyes then went wide as she was lifted off her seat and levitated over the jar. Her shock only increased as she was suddenly transformed into a blob of lavender goo and poured into the jar. Finally, as he screwed on the lid, Discord smirked and looked around.

"...is jelly."

The other ponies immediately burst into laughter, as did Discord. However, their laughter was short lived, as the jar then exploded in a flash of purple magic, leaving in its place an enraged alicorn.

"DISCORD!!!" she screamed. "WHEN I AM DONE WITH YOU I WILL USE YOUR SKIN AS A RUG!!!"

Her horn then began to glow. However, before she could do anything, Pinkie Pie ran up to her and spread peanut butter all over her. Twilight turned to glare at the pink mare.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"

"Didn't you hear Discord?" said Pinkie. "You're jelly! That means you go great with peanut butter! Which makes a lot of sense especially after that one time, though you really had to be there to get it-"

Twilight screamed and shot a blast of magic at Pinkie, who just barely managed to get out of the way. Fortunately, before any more damage could be done, the confetti cannons suddenly went off, coating Twilight in anti-magic ointment.

"Welp, that's our cue to leave!" Discord said before teleporting himself and everypony else out of the castle, leaving Twilight alone. As she shook the confetti off, she began to make a mental list of all the ways she was going to torture Discord once she got her hooves on him.

The Mane Attraction

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Mane Attraction

Dear Rara:

I'm know that our reunion got off to a bumpy start, but it all worked out in the end, didn't it?

So... I was wondering... would you like to meet up later tonight? Have a drink? Have some fun?

Your old friend, Applejack.

P.S.: You know exactly what I mean by “fun.”

Dear A.J.:

You. Me. Barn. Tonight.

Sincerely, Rara.

Dear Countess Coloratura:

Your mane style looks familiar. You wouldn't happen to be related to us, would you?

Sincerely, Adagio Dazzle, Aria Blaze, and Sonata Dusk.

Dear Countess Coloratura:

You're stealing my act. Stop it.

Sincerely, Lady Gaga.

The Crystalling

Author's Note

I'd say there's a good reason why I haven't written anything in the last few weeks, but honestly, I don't have anything. I've just been lazy. So sorry about that.

Anyway, here is the original letter, if you want to revisit it.

The Crystalling

Dear Diary:

No fucking way am I ever gonna have kids. Ever. Not only are they stupid, loud, and ugly, (having to raise Fax Machine by myself was more than enough to convince me of that!) but I refuse to push those huge wings and horn out!

~Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Crystal Ponies:

From now on, if you see that the castle is exploding, you know it's time to run like hell.

Your annoyed Princess, Mi Amore Cadenza.

Dear Sunburst:

So you think being an baby alicorn's Crystaller is hard? Try being the guy who helped bring that mutant freak into the world. Trust me, you'll never forget that moment when your eye almost gets poked out by her humongous wings.

Sincerely, Flash Sentry, Crystal Guard and Royal Midwife.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

The last time I dropped the sun on the ground, I ended up killing the proto-dragons. And while it would have been hilarious to watch the crystal ponies burn to death, I don't want to see my dear little niece die yet.

I still have much to teach her about being a Princess.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Prince Shining Armor:

If you ever have another alicorn baby, I strongly suggest you give her lots of love and support. I fear that he or she will need it.

Sincerely, Princess Luna.

Dear Starlight Glimmer:

I tried going into politics, but I got beaten by some crazy business mogul with a hairy monster on his head. Also, as Royal Crystaller, I'm pretty much set for life, so I have no need to work anymore.

Your old friend, Sunburst.

P.S.: Don't you want to join me? That purple alicorn seems a tiny bit... completely insane.

Dear McDonald's Ice Cream Princess:

You have a lot of talent. Would you like to hang out?

Your biggest fan, Discord.

Dear Discord:

No way, Jose! Flurry is mine to ~~corrupt~~ teach!

Flurry Heart's favorite aunt, Princess Celestia.

Dear Cadance:

Let me get this straight: The Crystal Heart, an object which can blow up shadowy monster ponies and spread peace and love all around Equestria, and creates a huge shield of sappiness to protect the ponies within, can be shattered by a baby's cry?!

~Twilight Sparkle

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

To be fair, it was a mutant alicorn superhero baby.

~Cadance

Dear Sunset Shimmer:

You already saved the ape world twice. Go teach other me or something.

~Twilight Sparkle

The Gift of the Maud Pie

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Gift of the Maud Pie

Dear Maud Pie:

So, you've had Boulder for all these years and yet you've never got him a pouch to carry in? Don't you think he deserves better?

~Rarity.

Dear Rarity:

You never got one for Tom.

~Maud Pie.

Dear Maud:

I was never able to find a pouch big enough for him. And by the time I got around to making one, I'd already lost interest in him.

Besides, while he was really hard, he never had the right sort of hardness, if you know what I mean.

~Rarity

Dear Pinkie Pie:

I'm really curious about the price of a party cannon in relation to a rock pouch. Is a cannon that can fire confetti and party supplies really so cheap that it can be traded away for a puny rock pouch? Or are those lousy little pouches insanely overpriced?

~Princess Twilight Sparkle

P.S.: If it had been me, I would have dragged the guy into a dark alley, beat the shit out of him, and kept both the pouch and the cannon.

Dear Twilight:

I was desperate and not thinking clearly when I made the deal.

...Also, I may have been a teensy-weensy bit high on a special blend of meth that I cooked up using a shard of the Crystal Heart that I "borrowed".

~Pinkie Pie

Dear Rarity:

You really make a great impression of my sister. You should sell party supplies at your new shop.

And maybe clothes made out of spoons. I always wanted spoon clothes.

~Maud Pie.

On Your Marks

Author's Note

Original letter here.

On Your Marks

Dear Apple Bloom:

You know, if you're searching for meaning in your life, you could always come work with me. I could teach you to have so much fun with the citizens of Equestria!

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Cutie Markers:

Are you looking for new things to do with your lives now that you've gotten your snazzy new butt stickers? I have tons of ideas! You should totally join me sometime!

Your best buddy, Discord.

Dear Sweetie Belle:

I really liked the costumes you made. They were really nice. I wanted to tell you in pony, but my mom tells me I have to stay in the background unless I want to get arrested. I think that's stupid, but I can't do anything about it.

Your best buddy, Button Mash.

P.S.: She even made me dye my mane and coat. I have no idea what's going on. Help!

Dear Tender Taps:

I'm glad that you've made friends with my sister. But you'd better keep your distance if you know what's good for you. I know what you little colts think whenever you see cute fillies.

Applejack, protective big sister.

Dear Applejack:

Are those the same things Big Mac thinks whenever he's anywhere near you?

You know what? I don't care. The fact is, I have my cutie mark now, so I'm old enough to make my own decisions. So fuck off.

Your irritated younger sister, Apple Bloom.

P.S.: You might not want to go anywhere near my bed for the next couple of weeks.

Dear Apple Bloom and Tender Taps:

We have two open positions in our modeling studio. I think you two would be perfect.

~Tree Hugger

Dear Tree Hugger:

Well, I do need money, and I need a place where Applejack isn't spying on everything I do...

I'll consider it.

~Apple Bloom

Dear Apple Bloom:

What did you say about me and art?

Your loyal yet somewhat worried friend, Tender Taps.

Gauntlet of Fire

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Gauntlet of Fire

"...and so Ember's gonna visit tomorrow!"

Twilight gritted her teeth as she tried to focus on her book. Ever since Spike had met Ember, he had been happier than ever before. Meanwhile, Twilight had utterly failed in her attempts to find the ultimate dragon cock, and so had been exceptionally angry.

"Shut your mouth, Fax Machine," she growled. "If you think that bitch cares about you, then you're an even bigger idiot than I believed was possible."

"You're just jealous because I got a smoking hot girl and you still can't get Flash Sentry in your bed."

Twilight screamed in rage and attempted to blast Spike. However, the little dragon got out of the way just in time, and ran out of the room laughing hysterically.

"COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!!!" Twilight roared. She then slumped into her seat as her book fell to the floor. She was too miserable to want to read anything anymore.

However, she was not miserable enough to not start plotting her revenge.

"Okay," she said to herself. "Fax Machine is excited to bang Xerox Queen. I have to find a way to make it as unpleasant for them as possible. but how?"

She narrowed her eyes as she thought about her dilemma. slowly they scanned the room around her, searching for some sort of inspiration that would give her a brilliant idea.

At that moment, her eyes fell upon a certain mirror.

"Hey Spike!"

The little purple dragon grinned as he ran to greet his dear friend. She smiled as well as she scooped him up in her arms and gave him a huge hug. This caused Spike's cheeks to glow a bright red.

"Ooh," he said happily. "You are so warm, Ember."

Ember blushed as well. "And you are so cute, Spikey-Wikey."

Spike's blush deepened. "Nopony gets to call me that."

Ember smirked. "Well, I am not a pony."

Spike giggled, and then slowly began to move his face closer to hers. She smiled softly, and moved towards him as well.

At that moment, they suddenly heard a loud pop.

"What was that?" Ember asked as she stood up in shock.

Before Spike could answer, he felt his body being transported, atom by atom, to a different part of the castle. He could hear Ember screaming, indicating that she was traveling with him. Then, it stopped. He took a moment to look around, and saw that he was still in the castle, and Ember was still by his side.

"Are you okay, Ember?" Spike asked.

"Yeah," she replied. "What just happened?"

Spike opened his mouth to speak, only to stop as he realized where he was standing. Right behind Ember lay a familiar mirror.

"EMBER!!!"

Before anything else could be said, a magenta glow surrounded him and Ember, lifting them off the floor. The two dragons had no time to react before they were hurled into the mirror.

"SPIIIIIKEEE!!!"

"EMBEEERRRR!!!"

The two dragons screamed as they fell through a swirling mass of colors. They then yelped as they suddenly stopped and fell to the floor.

"Ugh," Spike groaned. His eyes then widened as he looked down at his body.

"Aw crap, not again," he said as he looked at his paws. He then looked over at Ember, and his eyes widened.

"Uh, Ember?"

Ember opened her eyes and turned towards Spike. She then stared at him blankly.

"Spike?! Are you... a dog?!"

"Um, yeah," Spike said nervously. "About that..."

At that moment, Ember looked down at her own body. Her pupils shrunk as she realized what had happened.

"Wh.. wha... WHAT?!"

She then turned towards the portal, and saw her reflection in full.

Ember screamed.

Spike screamed.

The two dogs stared at each other and screamed.

Twilight smirked as she stared at the broken remains of the mirror. She then pulled out a quill and a book with a stylized sun on the cover. She opened the book to the nearest blank page and began to write.

Dear Sunset Shimmer: I was trying to catch a pair of very dangerous dogs over here in Equestria, but they ran into the portal. Could you please be a dear little student and have those stupid mutts spayed and neutered?

Newbie Dash

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Newbie Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash:

You think you have it bad? You should have seen my first day at King Hasbro's Alicorn Summer Camp. Trust me, it was nasty.

Also, the emotional trauma may or may not have had something to do with the whole "Nighttime Eternal" thing.

Sincerely, Princess Luna.

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Now that you've officially joined the Wonderbolts, you should really put in a good word for me. I have some brilliant ideas on how to vastly improve those dreadfully tacky suits of theirs. And I'm sure you'd love to dress in style!

Sincerely, Rarity.

To all my friends

You're just jealous because I'm 20% better at being each one of you than you are at being yourselves.

Sincerely, Rainbow Dash.

Dear Rainbow Crash:

Don't you ever imitate Princess Twilight again! Seriously, it's terrifying! And Soarin' locked himself in his room!

Your new boss, Spitfire.

P.S.: How the hell do you put up with her?

Dear Diary:

I think I now understand what Spike has to put up with under Twilight. I have a lot of respect for him for being able to live with her despite her constant bitching. I think I might even start hanging out with him.

Also, he doesn't have parents either, so we have something else to talk about.

~Scootaloo

A Hearth's Warming Tail

Author's Note

Original letter here.

A Hearth's Warming Tail

Dear Ember:

Well, I mouthed off to Miss Bitchypants, and so she gave me the worst present ever. After some thought, however, I've come to realize that it's not as bad as I thought. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're going to enjoy it.

Your favorite dragon, Spike.

Dear Charley Horse Dickens:

Have you been spying on me? Because this all seems very familiar. And Twilight told me that the first edition called Snowfall Frost "Starbenezer Scroogelight."

Sincerely angry, Starlight Glimmer.

Dear Princess Celestia:

I just had a brilliant idea for this year's Hearth's Warming Pageant. The only caveat is that it shall require the singing talents of my friends. And also for your sister dressed as a dementor. And maybe Twilight to be as far away as possible. Oh, who are we kidding? We always keep Twilight as far away as possible.

Are you interested?

Sincerely, Spike.

"Now that's what I call a party!"

Snowfall Frost groaned as the Spirit of hearth's Warming Presents bounced merrily around her. She was beginning to wonder if all this was really happening, or if she'd accidentally inhaled some of the fumes from the cauldron and begun to hallucinate.

"That was a party?" she asked. "It was way too loud, and it had way too many ponies."

"And lots of fun!" the Spirit yelled as she began to chug on a huge glass bottle. As she did so, Snowfall realized that her mane was beginning to turn gray, and wrinkles were beginning to show up on her face.

"Are you... aging?" she asked, causing the spirit to stop for a moment.

"Aging? Me?" she asked, giving Snowfall a cheeky smile. "Maybe!"

Snowfall raised an eyebrow. "Do spirits age really fast or something?"

"Nope!" said the Spirit. "That's just the drugs!"

She then reached into her coat pulled out a bag of white powder.

"Want some?"

Snowfall grimaced and lifted a hoof. "I think I'll pass."

"Suit yourself!"

Snowfall sighed again. However, she suddenly noticed something moving under the Spirit's coat.

"Um, Spirit?" she asked. "Is there something under your coat?"

The Spirit had been just about to take a whiff of her powder. Upon hearing the mare's question, however, she tossed it aside and lifted her robes.

"You mean these?"

Starlight's eyes widened. Standing before her were two little foals: a tan, brown-maned pegasus colt, and a yellow, orange-maned unicorn filly. They were both wearing old, dirty rags, and their manes and coats were covered in soot.

"This is Ignorance," the Spirit explained as she pointed at the colt. She then pointed to the filly and said "And this is Want! Aren't they cute?"

Snowfall grimaced at the sight of the two dirty foals. "Wha... are those your children?!"

"No, silly!"

"Then why-"

"They're yours!"

With this, the Spirit pushed the two foals into Snowfall's hooves. The pink unicorn's eyes widened as the two looked up to her, smiled, and began to spray saliva all over her clothes.

"Agh!" she yelled. "You can't just hand them over to me like this!"

"Yeah I can!" the Spirit said as she began to fade. "I'm about to die anyway, so somepony needs to take care of them! Be careful with Ignorance! He's not potty trained!"

"Are you crazy?!" Snowfall yelled.

"Have fuuuuuunnnnn!!!"

And with that, the Spirit of Hearth's Warming Presents vanished, leaving Snowfall Frost alone with the two foals. For a moment, she stood speechless as the two foals giggled and hugged her. She was then battered by an incredibly loud voice.

"OH FOR HASBRO'S SAKE, SPIRIT OF PRESENTS!!! YOU HAD ONE JOB!!! ONE JOB!!!"

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

That was a lot of fun to read, but I feel that next year you should turn that story into a rap or something.

Maybe a rap battle! An epic one! With Donald Grump!

Sincerely, Rap Goddess Pinki3 Pi3

Dear Professor Snape:

What the hell are you doing in Equestria?! Did you quit or something?!

Sincerely, Professor Minerva McGonagall

Dear Professor McGonagall:

It was a temporary job. They told me they needed an expert potions maker, but I ended up having to do the Christmas decorations. No, seriously.

Oh well. At least I managed to set a naive young filly on the right track before it was too late.

Sincerely, Professor Severus Snape.

P.S.: Tell the staff at Ilvermorny that I found their missing horse statue, as well as a potential culprit who goes by the name of Sunset Shimmer.

The Saddle Row Review

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Saddle Row Review

Dear Diary:

Today was a complete waste of my time. Not only did I have to sit through a bunch of mares who all seem to be completely insane, but not one of them gave me any information on Spider Colt. Even worse, one of them got busted for illegal firearms trading, and now I have to testify in court.

~Saddle Row

Dear Ember:

So, Bitchy Pants went to help Rarity open some new boutique in Manehattan or something. I don't know, and I don't care. All I know is that she's out of my scales for a few hours.

Want to have some fun?

Your favorite dragon buddy, Spike.

P.S.: Her bed is really comfortable. Could you imagine how pissed she'd be if somepony (or somedragon) were to mess it up?

Dear Spike:

If she's not there, then sure. With all the stress of being the Dragon lord, I'm in the mood for some fun.

Your sexy Dragon Lord, Ember.

Dear Trixie:

I hear that you have a lot of talent with silverware. I know somepony who you'd get along just wonderfully with!

Your favorite fashionista (probably), Rarity.

Dear DJ-Pon3:

I must say, those dancing ponies you hang out with are absolutely stunning. I dare say that they would make wonderful models for my boutique. Especially that pink one with the pigtails. I can already tell that she'll be famous. Why don't you send her down here so I can work my magic on her?

Your newest fellow tenant, Rarity.

P.S.: No, seriously. Send her down here before Photo Finish finds out about her! That bitch already stole one great model from me, and I want payback! This time, I shall be the one with... ze magicks!!!

Dear Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash:

As you no doubt know, Twilight locked me up in a dirty, stuffy, disgusting window display. Knowing her, she had undoubtedly been planning to do so for a very long time, and most likely would not have hesitated to leave me to die there. And I am quite certain that she plans on doing the same to all of us sooner or later.

My point is... we must lock her up before she does it to us.

I propose that we have her Fax Machine give us a detailed map of the castle's closets. We shall then find the darkest, dirtiest, most difficult to open closet we can find, toss her in, and leave her to rot. She may claim to be our firend, but we all know that she hates us, and the feeling is mutual.

...True, we'd be locking up a princess, but she deserves it. Besides, everypony would know that it's for the good of Equestria. And our sanity.

Your most fashionable friend, Rarity.

Dear Pinkie Pool:

I hear you've been trying to evade capture. But if you're interested, my organization can help you. Not only that, but we can grant you new abilities that shall ensure that you never again have to fear those who wish to take you in. Are you interested?

Sincerely, Ajax.

Dear Ajax:

What kind of stupid name is that?! Did you get it from a box of detergent or something?

Whatever. If you can help me, then I'm game.

Sincerely, Pinkie Pool.

Dear Coco Pommel:

You too?

Sincerely, Button Mash.

Dear Diary:

Why do my little angel and demon look like Rarity?

~Pinkie Pie

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Herduson's Holiday Sales Are A Riot

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Herduson's Holiday Sales Are A Riot

To the ponies, zebras, and other assorted races of Herduson:

I am concerned with your constant rioting and looting. I understand why you are upset, but this sort of behavior can only result in the ruination of your businesses, homes, and livelihoods. Please consider what you are doing before you act.

~Princess Celestia

Dear Citizens of Herduson:

Don’t listen to my sister. As far as she is concerned, all non-pony races are less than insects compared to ponies. To her, Whiten Black was an animal who deserved to die. You must take up arms and rebel against this oppressive government and take back what is yours!

~Princess Luna

Dear Princess Luna:

Don’t make me give you another 1000-year time-out!

Your loving sister, Celestia.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Human Convention Attacked, Evacuated

Author's Note

Original Chapter Here.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Human Convention Attacked, Evacuated

Dear Lyra Heartstrings:

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Your roommate, Sweetie “Bonbon” Drops.

Dear Bonbon:

Human are real, dammit! Twilight proved they were real! Stop crushing my dreams!

Your former roommate, Lyra Heartsrings.

Dear Homos:

I may have proved that humans are real, but I fail to understand why you wish to sleep with them. I will admit that some of them are rather attractive, but most of them are quite ugly. Therefore, I find that the actions of the mysterious attacker are, while not justifiable, at least understandable. You sickos are a perversion of what is acceptable in society.

Your disgusted princess, Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Homos:

Twilight was the attacker!

Your totally honest and reliable ruler, Princess Celestia.

Friendship Is Magic, Part 1

Author's Note

If you've read the original letters (And let's face it: If you're reading this without heaving read those first, you're kind of an idiot), you may have noticed my great love of writing responses.

This was the next logical step.

Of course, if you haven't read the originals, you may begin here.

Friendship Is Magic, Part 1

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I think you ought to be grateful I'm letting you go anywhere on your own. Given how many times I've had to ground you for being a bitch, you don't deserve to make any friends at all. Oh, yes, and I've provided you with more knowledge and wisdom than most other ponies could ever dream of.

And the fate of Equestria? Admit it, you just want to be immortalized in statues and glass panes.

It's too bad the first pony you met had to be a junkie, though. Of course, you'd recognize a junkie when you saw one. I don't think I've ever met a pony who could put up with you without being higher than Cloudsdale.

And to be honest, I hope all those apples ended up giving you an eating disorder. It would make life so much easier for all of us. Also, if you have a picture of your mane after your encounter with Rainbow Dash, I'd love to have a copy. Or ten.
And then there was that hot decorator. Given how skilled she is at using her beauty to manipulate the hearts of ponies, I'm not surprised she seduced the dragon. Sadly, you not only lack her sexiness, but you treat everypony like dirt and expect to be treated like a princess.

Hell, your constant attempts at getting laid have scared off more rock bands than I care to count. Sadly, this means I have to get shitty music from animals, which you won't try to drag off to your bedroom.

I hope.

And now you're sleeping at your own party?! I just gave you a golden opportunity to get people to worship you and you just go and waste it?! At this point, I actually hope Nightmare Moon banishes me. Anything is better than listening to your inane bitching.

You're welcome.

Your faithful(?) teacher, Princess Celestia.

Boast Busters

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Boast Busters

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

First off, I'd like to point out what a shame it is that you have no intention of allowing your fax machine to breed. Wouldn't you want to dabble in the slave trade?

And second of all, if I ever meet anypony more powerful than you, I swear I will make her my new student. I must admit I was excited at first when I heard that there was an extremely powerful unicorn in Ponyville, but if what you're saying is true, then she's bound to be a disappointment.

But let's not get into my personal life. If all she did was humiliate a couple of ponies, then all she did was reinforce the truth: while it is true that all ponies are ~~equine~~ equal under Equestrian law, it is also true that some ponies are more equal than others.

Also, I would like to request that you post notices around town to note the dangers of inbreeding. If there are more idiots like those two you just mentioned, I fear that the town might be destroyed by sheer stupidity. (On which note, has Applejack ever mysteriously disappeared while mentioning something about her brother? If so, someone needs to be mooned.) If it's true that the unicorn you mentioned really believed your comment about laundry, then she might be proof as well.

Seriously, if those two inbred freaks brought an ursa minor to town just for Trixie to vanquish it, we really need to start considering teaching eugenics.

And here's where I was most disappointed: this unicorn, who might have been a great student in another life, turned out to be useless against the ursa minor. Of course, the fact that you chose to save that little shithole rather than leave the genetic rejects to their fate is pretty bad too. I mean, you clearly don't like them, so why not play a fiddle while Ponyville burns?

Of course, if you're so determined to prevent the next generation from being so stupid, then maybe you're a lost cause as well. Oh well, hopefully those mustaches will keep their cousins away.

Your Faithful banisher of family members, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Why don't you make a new water tower yourself?

P.P.S.: You want to dominate Trixie physically, mentally, and sexually? I could write stories about that!

Winter Wrap Up

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Winter Wrap Up

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

And here I was hoping you had died. Nope, it turns out you simply learned to hibernate, thus leading you to fall asleep the last day of fall and wake up the day before winter wrap-up. That blows.

Oh well, at least now I know I'll have three months every year in which I don't have to put up with your shit.

Of course, I'm going to have to outlaw fossil fuels. I can't risk losing a single second of those beautiful three months!

But enough about that. Can you explain to me how your little backwater town is able to organize itself perfectly when performing musical numbers, but sucks so bad at actually wrapping up winter?! Not to mention that somepony let Rarity waste her time trying to fix something that couldn't be fixed rather than telling her to give up and move on!

Honestly, I think you could have solved all those problems by threatening them all with banishment. You wouldn't believe how rapidly we get winter wrapped up here in Canterlot when I remind everypony about what happened to my sister. But then again, you managed to pull it off anyway, so your hibernation probably didn't damage your brain too much.

Maybe I should hibernate through the summer. It would mean I only had to deal with you six months every year.

Your ruler who's glad you didn't spend any of the last three months awake, Princess Celestia.

Call of the Cutie

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Call of the Cutie

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Ah, cutie marks. They tell you so much about their ponies, and they give us all something unique. It probably sucks to not have one, but then again, I've had mine for so long that I don't really know.

I'm kind of surprised by your mention of Apple Bloom. The last time you wrote about her, she seemed to be extremely advanced, with her desire to chase out the lower species when other ponies her age would be focused on playing with their Baby Horsie toys or having tea parties. Now, however, it seems that her “maturity” has given her an obsession with cutie marks which is slowly eating away at her intelligence. I believe it is called “Cutie Mark Desire Syndrome,” and not Down Syndrome.

But I digress. Your failure in getting young Apple Bloom a cutie mark in slave labor shows that you are unfit for the slave trade. That's one career option you won't be able to make!

On the other hoof, this Diamond Tiara pony sounds like she could grow up to be great if you took her under your wing. If you wish to complain about how she's not a unicorn, you could always invest in giving her a horn transplant!

Also, I'd like you to know that I am interested in knowing what these three fillies have planned. It must certainly be interesting if you think it will cause disasters. I would give you advice on how to deal with the impending calamities, but then again, it's Ponyville's problem, not Canterlot's.

Your thoroughly unconcerned ruler, Princess Celestia.

Sonic Rainboom

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Sonic Rainboom

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Drugs have no regard for the laws of physics. Pinkie Pie knows that, and so should you. Also, keep in mind that the laws of physics can be bent, but only if it’s funny.

Also, please keep in mind that, no matter how much you can fit into your mouth, Pinkie Pie will always be able to fit even more in.

But that’s not the only disappointment you have provided, my dear Twilight. First off, testing the wing spell on Rarity; you gave wings to a pony whore who would only think of using them to further her own dastardly plans. If you had tested the spell on yourself, you could have used it to your own advantage, not to mention win that Wonderbolt threesome.

Secondly, the cloud walking spell. I understand your reasons for using it on yourself, but not Pinkie and Applejack. Would it not have been so much funnier to pretend to do so, then watch them fall to their deaths? Honestly, if you’d just given yourself the wings, then “accidentally” use the wrong spell, you could have gotten rid of half the deadweight on your team.

I am somewhat alarmed, however, by the knowledge that there are ponies who defy their cutie marks and try to find alternate occupations. I believe a few sessions of brainwashing are in order.

I am amused, however, by Pinkie’s desire to taste the rainbow. Ingredients aside, it certainly raises the question of what she would do if she had a sleepover with Rainbow Dash.

But let’s get back to the big event; the competition! I enjoyed most of the show, except when Rainbow almost killed me. I’m going to have to find some way to make her pay.

Of course, the flutter-winged whore just had to fly towards the light, didn’t she? Maybe those bug wings actually make her think like a bug? Do you think I could kill her if I had a mega-sized flyswatter?

But those are plans for another day. Right now, I need to make sure the smell in the Cloudiseum has been taken care of. Could you please make sure Rainbow never eats triple-bean tacos before a competition again? One giant rainbow fart is more than enough.

Your ever-plotting (no, not that kind of plot) former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: The smell probably killed the mood during her Wonderbolt threesome, so you shouldn’t be too envious.

P.P.S.: I'm pretty sure those were aileron rolls, not barrel rolls. Ponies tend to get those confused.

A Dog and Pony Show

Author's Note

Original letter here.

A Dog and Pony Show

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I believe Rarity is controlling your Fax Machine by tricking him into thinking he has a chance of getting into bed with her. Therefore, you probably ought to have him neutered.

And then there are the Diamond Dogs. These non-pony species are really starting to become pests. Honestly, the griffons had the right idea when they began to create hot dogs. In fact, I could go for a hot dog right about now.

Then you say Fax Machine tried to score again? Seriously, why have you not had him neutered?

And I’m heavily amused by how ponies like Rarity import mud from exotic places for hundreds of bits, then refuse to even look at the mud in their own backyard. If they only realized what their imported Griffon “mud” actually is…

But I need to point out how deeply disappointed I am in you, Twilight Sparkle. First of all, you got outsmarted by a bunch of dogs that spend their time rolling in mud and sniffing each other’s asses. Then, you allowed a lesser being to use you for slave labor. I was hoping you'd assert your will upon Rarity, and instead you got used as a work horse. And finally, you stubbornly refuse to have your Fax Machine neutered.

I thought you were smarter than this.

Your disappointed former teacher, Princess Celestia.

Cutie Mark Chronicles

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Cutie Mark Chronicles

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!

Ah, yes. I remember that day. The day I realized I could make you and your parents pay an outrageously large bill for wrecking the roof, only some of which would actually go into repairing it.

But anyway, if the cutie mark devastators are trying to emulate the stories of other ponies to get their cutie marks, maybe they are stupid enough to be sold into slave labor to find their cutie marks.

Your friends have very interesting stories, I must say. Applejack wanted to be a high-society pony? I think she might have had more luck than Rarity, especially if she wasted her talents on making clothes for ponies who never wear clothes in the first place. Then again, even Rarity’s probably better off than Fluttershy, especially if she was wimpy enough to be held up by a bunch of butterflies.

Strangely enough, I actually recall seeing a pink filly nearby when I was creating this planet. Apparently, rainbow farts can send ponies back in time. Perhaps you should investigate the potential uses of such power.

But I digress. If it was Rainbow Dash who farted out that rainbow that distorted the fabric of time and space, then she is a potential danger to Equestria and must be neutralized.

As for you, please keep in mind that she is a pegasus, and thus one of the lower races. If you feel that she has screwed you over, then you must get revenge on her.

Your gifted-by-destiny former teacher, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: What does “haped” mean? If it happened to Scootaloo, then it probably wasn’t nice.

The Best Night Ever (Addendum)

Dear Aunt Celestia:
I appreciate you offering me these tickets, however, I must inform you I will not be able to attend for personal reasons.

Oh, who am I kidding? You and I both know even if I did come, I'd be sneaking off with Captain Shining Armor during the opening musical and having wild, freaky, magical sex with him the entire evening, so I'm just going to drop the pretense. I'm thinking this time, it's going to be in cousin Blueblood's airship. I can't wait to see the look on his face after we're done. By the time we're through, he's going to have to commission a whole new one, because there's no way he's going to be able to get out all the stains we're going to leave. By the way, good luck with security.

Sincerely, Princess Cadence Notevil Goodpony.

No really, sincerely, your very horny adopted niece and alicorn of hot steamy love, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.

Dearest Sister,

We cannot help but notice thou did not invite us to this Grand Galloping Gala.

We demand to know why thee would do such a thing? Surely we deserve the same love and affection as thou recievest, no?

Your enraged, and very confused sister, Princess Luna

Author's Note

These letters were written by SpacePaladin and SuperPinkBrony12, respectively.

In hindsight, given their completely unexplained absence, I really should have done a response from Luna and Cadance.

Luna Eclipsed

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Luna Eclipsed

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

I know everything about how to be a good sister, and I always make sure I do the exact opposite.

Also, by hoof-stitching your costume when you could have simply used your magic, you have proven once more that we alicorns are the true master race.

...Not that Luna could prove it. She's so out of the loop that she makes everypony feel frightened and unsure. So then, heighten her allure.

Of course, by now you're probably aware that I spent all my time these last few years telling the royals to act as if it is normal for royals to act old-timey and withheld all important information from Luna. I thought it was funny.

Tonight I was proven right.

First and foremost, I could hear her storm call from here. Ponies everywhere were panicking in the streets, claiming that the end times were near. I was in my tower, recording it so I could send it to Equestria's Funniest Home Videos.

Secondly, she doth speaketh very oldish, methinks. I knew it was gonna be so hilarious when she went out in public again!

But seriously, Twilight. If you wanted to explain the concept of fun to Luna, you know you can't just show her some dull old games! You know that we ponies learn best through music! I'm sure you could have made a great song about how the F and the U and the N all spell out fun!

In any case, Luna did a great job this year. The way everypony freaked out was simply hilarious! Heck, the fillies and colts even wanted her to scare them! Seriously, Luna should go out on Nightmare Night every year. Especially if Pinkie Pie can get her to join PETA.

Love, the world's funniest sister, Celestia

P.S.: If you're so annoyed by me, why don't you tell Luna to give you her Princesshood or something?

May The Best Pet Win

Author's Note

Original letter here.

May The Best Pet Win

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Rainbow Dash wants a friend? Just a friend? I mean, you have your owl and Fax Machine to do all your work, and I have a phoenix to unleash my wrath upon those who have wronged me. Does Rainbow not realize how amazing it would be to have those things?

But anyway, it's nice to see that Fluttershy always has a plantation full of potential “pets” for your girlfriend. It's less nice that she tries to pressure ponies into taking the most useless creatures away from her. Hasn't she ever considered the fact that there are dozens of ponies in PETA who would just love those delicious animals?

Anyway, I can't believe those animals are stupid enough to actually follow her into that death trap! Maybe they just got tired of her bitchiness and were trying to end it all? If that were the case, they could have asked PETA. They'd be doing them a great favor too.

Then again, I wonder what terrible things that turtle must have gone through that it was willing to stay with her. Maybe he's the reincarnation of that one colt you were always stalking in high school. But anyway, now that Tank has a name and a helicopter blade, (by the way, how can you know what a helicopter is, but not a tank?!) maybe he can at least try not to be so useless.

Then again, you have some pretty good ideas about what to do with those turtle shells. I do, in fact, know how different colors of shell will chase after different ponies. You and I should get together and play some Mario Kart one of these days.

The most successful pony in all of Equestria, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I'm not surprised that you couldn't get any pleasure from all that Fax Machine sex. Honestly, you're pathetic.

Baby Cakes

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Baby Cakes

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

The cakes? Fit for anything? Please, they're earth ponies, and we all know that the only thing those are useful for is taking the jobs that no self-respecting pegasus, unicorn, or alicorn would want to do. Jobs like picking crops, working in sweatshops, cleaning our facilities, and other menial work.

Oh yeah, and maybe some superior races would be willing to pay earth ponies for sexual favors. Sure would explain why Mrs Cake's children look nothing like her husband.

With that in mind, it confounds me that you'd show any concern for the cakes, Pinkie Pie, or Mrs. Cake's little bastards. Or maybe you just wanted to take the useless foals under your non-existent wing to show Pinkie just how much better you are? I'd certainly understand that, I do it all the time.

Then again, maybe you just got tired of everypony being high whenever they talked to you, so you were trying to prevent her from raising the next generation of drug traffickers?

Ultimately it doesn't really matter, because those two live with Pinkie, so they're pretty much guaranteed to grow up to become junkies. Knowing that, the Cakes probably should have kicked her out before Mrs. Cake gave birth. But then again, they're just dumb earth ponies.

Your totally drug-loving former teacher, Princess Celestia.

Dear Pinkie Pie:

I have some news that might surprise you. Last week, while high on pot, you had an orgy with the Wonderbolts. As a result, you're pregnant.

Your ~~n~~ever virgin Princess, Celestia.

P.S.: Please tell your male caretaker (uncle?) that he needs to watch his wife more closely.

P.P.S.: Twilight has informed me that you may be unfit for motherhood. Have fun!

The Last Roundup

Author's Note

Original letter here. It would be a really good idea to read it again before continuing, by the way.

The Last Roundup

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Thank you for finding the gray one! We were searching for her in order to give her a lobotomy!

Your forever-proud-to-remove-ponies'-identities leader, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Applejack is one of the inferior races, so no surprise there.

Dear Derpy Hooves:

I must admit that we are very sorry ~~well not really~~ that you were born with defective eyes, vocal chords, and a hideously damaged brain. These imperfections are a blemish that society cannot tolerate, and thus we desire to help you.

We have a, ah, final solution to your problem. We shall take away your many flaws and give you the conformity that you so desperately need. After all, why would anypony wish to be rejected by an intolerant society which sees everything as an insult to their intelligence?

Your ever loving and tolerating ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: My father, King Hasbro, says hi.

Dear Pinkie Pie:

Why not both? Chimicherrychanga!

Your favorite kumquat eater, Princess Celestia.

Friend in Deed

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Friend in Deed

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Pinkie’s normal friend-making system is usually a surefire way to get ponies to become her friends. In your case, however, I specifically instructed somepony to instruct her to deviate from it in the knowledge that it would have no effect on you. That way, there was at least some chance you’d be able to use the elements.

Also, you just placed a hilarious image in my head. One day, you’re just walking down the streets and Pinkie says “Twilight is really horny!” Thus, everypony freaks out and runs away, or they lock you in a dungeon far away from which you can never escape. Or they do what they did in the good old days and burn the bitch.

I should totally talk Pinkie into doing that someday, assuming she doesn’t think “horny” refers to that tumor growing out of your skull.

But anyway, I must really have Pinkie captured and ~~dissected~~ examined to discover the source of her power. I mean, her ability to chase a donkey all around Equestria with no regard for physics will surely be of assistance when the time comes to exterminate the lower races. On the other hoof, her determination to annoy the hell out of anypony (and donkey) in her path is surely an obstruction to our plans, and so must be dealt with.

Of course, now we know of her one weakness: tripping! This will be of great help when we try to catch her.

Anyway, I guess what you’re trying to say is that it’s okay for her to be an obnoxious sack of ADD as long as she gets her friends laid in the end. As long as she doesn’t get you laid, I’m okay with that.

As for you trying to get a threesome with the donkeys, don't try. Remember, they are donkeys, and, just like other inferior races such as the proto-dragons, hairy elephants, bald apes, insect-pony shapeshifters, and the buffalo, we are planning their mass genocide.

Your face-bucking former teacher, Princess Celestia

P.S.: I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really enjoy watching your failures.

One Bad Apple

Author's Note

Original letter here.

One Bad Apple

Dear Applejack:

First of all, I'm so happy for you! Learning all about life raising your sister and her friends… it warms my heart!

Sucks about your family, though. On the other hoof, you could probably become a great superhero. I mean, you already have the crappy-ass family life, the incredible athleticism, and that costume you used to screw Rainbow Dash over. What more do you need?

Oh yeah. A babysitter. I’m sure your granny would be happy to take care of them all. If not, you could always take them on a field trip through the Rainbow Factory, then “accidentally” forget them. I’m sure they’d be happy to take care of those kids.

Also, I admire the way you ponies deal with bullying. If your foal is being a bully, then they are clearly at the top of the pecking order and should be treated with respect. If another foal is being bullied, then they are either unworthy of attention or somepony else’s problem. Unfortunately for you, it seems that Bad Seed is your problem now.

I must admit, however, that Bad Seed is a credit to the earth pony race. Rather than stick around with the genetic rejects she immediately goes to the side that will get her to the top of the pecking order. At this point, the snooty snark evaders could probably have asked the old milkshake and movie spirits to help them in their time of need, or summoned up a twinkle to blind their enemies. But then again, that would probably have just had them singing about how she “sees bad” or something like that.

It probably would have gotten a million hits on YouTube, though.

So anyway, I must give credit to you for giving them information on her bullying problem right during the most essential part of their revenge plan. Otherwise, it would all have simply proceeded as planned, and then Bad Seed would have hated the genetic rejects more intensely than ever before, and so they’d never have become friends, thus ensuring that you never had to see her in Ponyville ever again.

Oh well. I have a feeling that this will all be great preparation for that one night when you and your brother end up forgetting to use protection.

Your nation's parental substitute, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I saw what you did in that clubhouse!

Apple Family Reunion

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Apple Family Reunion

Dear Applejack:

Oh, so you think that just because I want to rut my brother senseless I’m as dirty and perverted as you? Well, at least I know how to perform contraceptive spells and prevent any potential inbreeding! This, of course, is just one of the many reasons why we unicorns are the master race.

By the way, good work with those fruit bats. Just make sure they don’t try to eat all your apples next year.

Your racist-er-than-thou "friend," Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: While you and I may disagree about many things, it's definitely true that Zecora should be shunned whenever possible.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

We don't allow snobby Unicorn floozies either. And the last time I checked, there was no such thing as a contraceptive spell.

Besides, even if I was crass enough to rut Big Macintosh, we have pills to prevent that sort of thing.

Your unfriendly neighborhood redneck, Applejack.

Dear Applejack and Twilight:

Please stop arguing. I’m quite certain we can all live together in harmony... as long as everypony remembers who the superior race is. And no, Twilight, it’s not the unicorns.

Your superior-race ruler, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: I like that song, Applejack.

P.P.S.: Don’t listen to her, Twilight. That contraceptive spell I taught you all those years ago is totally legit. Like, 120 percent legit.

My dearest sister:

Superior race, huh? Is that supposed to explain why we are never allowed to speak to other ponies outside of dreams?

Thy disgruntled sister, Princess Luna.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Ponyville With A Princess

Author's Note

Original chapter here.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Ponyville With A Princess

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Okay, we said nice things about you to help your reputation. Can you let us out now?

Sincerely, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.

Dear Rainbow and Pinkie Pie:

First off, that's Princess Twilight Sparkle. Second, let you go? Are you kidding me? We still have several study sessions to go! Of course, you ponies probably know exactly what I mean by “study sessions,” right?

Love, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Since you're my big sister, you should be helping me break out of juvy right now. I mean, can't you at least send me a cake?

I mean, the food's not that bad, but it's getting kind of lonely here. And some of the ponies creep me out.

Your favorite little sister, Scootaloo.

Dear Scootaloo:

First off, I'm doing everything that big sisters are supposed to do. Just ask Princess Celestia. She'll be able to tell you how she treats Luna in the most sisterly way possible.

And second, even if I wanted to help, I'm currently trapped in Twilight's dungeon of fun. And by “fun” I mean she's trying to rape us.

Your loyal big sister, Rainbow Dash.

P.S.: Don't drop the soap.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Horse Zimmerman Emerges From Hiding

Original chapter here.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

If you don't mind, could I please seek asylum in your treehouse? I mean, I'm being hunted down by the authorities even though I'm innocent, so I deserve some mercy, right?

...Okay, so maybe I'm not completely innocent. I did kill that one pony. But he was just a mud pony. And besides, I saved those other ponies, so that kind of balances out, right,

Sincerely, Horse Zimmerman.

Dear Horse Zimmerman:

First off, you have a problem if your name includes “man” in it. I mean, I've seen an actual “man” creature, and let me tell you, they are freaks.

Second, I don't care about you. Yes, Hayvon may have been a worthless mud pony, but you are neither a unicorn or an alicorn, so I apologize if you don't have my sympathies.

Actually, why am I apologizing? You can go crawl into a pit and die. As my former mentor likes to say, while all ponies are equal in the eyes of King Hasbro, some ponies are more equal than others.

Sincerely, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Horse Zimmer-pony:

I have a deal for you: You become my star wrestler in the Equestria Wrestling Entertainment, and I shall convince Celestia to grant you amnesty. After all, the matches have been going a little stale recently, and I need some fresh blood to revitalize the business.

Ah, blood? Sorry, I meant fresh ponies. Because there is absolutely no danger in wrestling. No sir.

Sincerely, Discord, EWE General Manager.

Author's Note

Truth be told, I wan't 100% sure how to do this chapter. So I just went with it.

Hiatus Finale: The Legend

Original chapter here.

Princess Celestia stared blankly at the letter in her hooves.

“I... don't understand this,” she said finally. “What does it mean?”

Luna groaned. She hated her troll of a sister more than almost anything in the world. She would even prefer having to date that ungrateful, selfish bastard, Sombra, once more. Hell, she would even prefer having Tirek return to take over than help Celestia.

That said, the one thing she hated more than her sister was the idea of being stuck on the moon for another 1000 years.

“I believe it is a reference to a movie based on a game,” she said.

“I see,” said Celestia. “And what is this 'Mash' of which it speaks?”

“How am I supposed to know?” asked Luna. “Although, it does sound similar to the username of a player who beat me at a game once.”

“Really?” said Celestia. “And what of 'your mother will reveal her sexiest thong'?”

“WHY ARE YOU TAKING THIS STUPID LETTER SO SERIOUSLY?!” yelled Luna.

“Oh?” said Celestia, a hint of amusement in her voice. “So you're saying I shouldn't take it seriously?”

Luna gritted her teeth. She hated her sister so much.

“Yes, exactly!”

“And aren't you curious about whose mother it's talking about?” said Celestia. “After all, her thong must be pretty sexy, no?”

“Stop it,” said Luna.

“Oh, but we have to find out more!” said Celestia. “After all, I can hardly believe that there is anypony who has a sexier thong than I!”

“Celestia, stop it!”

“My thongs, Luna! My thooongs! My super sexy thoooooongs!”

Luna shut her eyes tightly and placed her hooves over her ears, trying desperately to block out her sister's incessant yammering. But there was no escape from the sun butt's wrath.

“ALL RIGHT! YOU WIN!!!”

As Luna screamed out in despair, Celestia grinned excitedly.

“You have made the right choice,” said Celestia. “We shall find this mare who is sexier than I, and we shall make her and everyone she holds dear pay!”

As the sun butt skipped out of the room happily, Luna groaned.

I can only hope that whoever the message refers to can escape my sister's wrath.

However, as she stared towards the paper once more, she felt a slight sense of annoyance.

On the other hoof, if they are related to that guy who beat me that one time, they deserve my sister's wrath.

Author's Note

And that's why Button and his mom were killed off by King Hasbro.

Also, a bit different this time around, because the original chapter was somewhat... unconventional.

Castle Mane-ia

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Castle Mane-ia

Dear Diary:

I always knew that Pinkie was a stoner, but I think it's passing on to me. I'm seeing hooftube videos on parchment paper!

~Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight:

Why are you bothering to go through that old castle in search of books? Didn't it ever occur to you that, I don't know, all that paper had rotted away after centuries of being exposed to the elements? Of course, you never were the smart one in our, ah, relationship, so I guess I shouldn't expect much from you.

Then again, if you were actually lucky enough to find any non-rotted away books, then maybe you ought to be careful. Who knows what sort of treatment they used to make those things so durable.

Also, I cannot fathom why you would skip out on the Most Daring Pony Contest. I mean, don't you know what the winner gets in those competitions? You could have dominated those two in so many ways! (I know exactly how you'd dominate them, by the way.)

So, anyway, I'm not going to miss your letters. I never asked for any letters, and yet you continually gave them to me, preaching how great you were while talking about how lame your friends were. Of course, I may or may not decide to spy on your diaries anyway. Or maybe send one of my minions to do it for me.

As an aside, I regret to inform you that I decided to sell your scepter on pBay. You wouldn't believe how popular that thing got. I don't understand it, really.

Your enterprising former teacher, Princess Celestia.

Dear Cellie:

I told you you'd get a whole lot of bids on the Twi-cane! Now will you agree to let me make a million more? I promise you, it will be all the rage this Hearth's Warming Eve!

Love, Discord.

Bats!

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Bats!

Dear Applejack:

Since your parents died, shouldn’t you be looking towards those bats as inspiration? I mean, that way you could cloak yourself in their shadows and hunt down the individuals responsible for their deaths, right?

Your fellow orphan, Batman.

P.S. Those flashlight signals are a good start.

Dear Princess Celestia:

My friends don't believe in me. What a surprise. Honestly, I don't know why I bothered turning Fluttershy back to normal. I should've just let her get staked.

Your monster-hunting former student, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

I must say, it is quite a relief that you did not become a vampire. You have been quite lucky to have been spared the mockery that your name would have brought you. And trust me, my sister has taught me more than enough about mockery to last me an entire immortal lifetime.

Your fellow Princess, Luna.

Dear Applejack:

Are you secretly a wolf-pony? If you are, we could totally make up a bunch of stories about vampires and wolf-ponies fighting each other! It would be so much fun!

Your friendly neighborhood monster-enthusiast, Pinkie Pie.

Dear Pinkie Pie:

First off, I ain’t no wolf-pony. Second, that sounds ridiculous. What’s next, some character claiming to be half vampire, half wolf-pony, and yet stronger than both?

Your friendly neighborhood monster-exterminator, Applejack.

Rainbow Falls

Author's Note

Original chapter here. Some events may not make sense without context, so re-reading would be a good idea.

Rainbow Falls

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

All right, I allowed Bulk Biceps to participate despite his obvious steroid usage. Now I get to keep my job, right?

Your scared subject, Miss Harshwinny.

Dear Derpy:

Sorry that Rainbow managed to make up her mind. You would have been a far better competitor than her.

Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Princess Gamer Luna:

Sorry about your sister. We're all choked up about it.

...NOT! Ah, who are we kidding? We're assholes who'd happily replace our own members with somepony better the second we saw a chance, so we don't give a shit about your sister.

Love, Spitfire, Captain of the Wonderbolts.

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Yes, you're the only one who can pull off the rainbow mane. Unfortunately, it also proves that you're a raging dyke.

Love, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: With Molestia gone, I need someone else I can give my problems to. Please don't be surprised if a large number of Parasprites suddenly appear in your home.

Dear Skittles Mane:

This is such an ironic world, is it not? First we realize that a great pony is not as deceased as we think she is. Then we lose one of our most beloved leaders. It's almost as if the entire universe has a mysterious balance of joy and sorrow.

Then again, you managed to get quite a nice little gift from Spitfire, so that's a plus. It's a nice little pin too, all shiny and pointy. Maybe it's a sign of your future as a Wonderbolt. Or maybe it's a sign of something even greater.

Or maybe it's just something she gave you to feel better about not being one of them. There's no way to be sure.

Love, Discord.

Filli Vanilli

Author's Note

Original Letter Here.

Filli Vanilli

Dear Fluttershy:

Do you honestly think I care if Fax Machine gets turned into a cozy? I mean, a fucking cozy would be less useless than him now!

With love(?), Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear everypony:

I swear, the next time I start singing around my cottage I’m going to have an army of trained bears to rip apart anypony stupid enough to try to spy on me. I regret to have to do this, but I see no other way to make everypony understand that I want ponies to stop pestering me into singing in front of large crowds.

Sincerely, Fluttershy.

P.S.: Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t regret letting my bears loose on anypony!

Dear Pinkie Pie:

Hey, do you want some more jerkass-weed?

Your favorite drug dealer, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Don't act like you don't want it. I know how much you love smoking this shit!

Dear Big Mac:

Don't make me tie you up and sell you as a sex toy to Twilight.

Your horny sister, Applejack.

Dear Applejack:

If you’re going to sell your brother, you’re going to need a replacement, right?

And it would have to be a really horny replacement, am I right?

And you probably don’t know anypony else who’d be suitable for that role, right?

Your old friend, Trenderhoof.

Dear Trenderhoof:

Do you want me to call the guard and have you sold off to Princess Celestia? I’d bet you’d love to join Flash as part of her slave harem.

Your not-friend, Applejack.

Leap of Faith

Author's Note

Original Chapter Here.

Leap of Faith

Dear Flim and Flam:

Why the hell do you even bother negotiating with those mud ponies? You're unicorns! Use those horns of yours to enslave them or something!

Then again, I must admit I'm impressed by how many bits you've managed to get out of that scam. Indeed, I almost feel tempted to offer you a pardon and funding so that you may continue to trick the mindless masses into giving up their money. After all, it's not like they're ever going to invest in anything meaningful, so it should go into the hooves of ponies who are going to build Equestria's economy.

Your racist princess, Twilight Sparkle

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

Could you be so kind as to offer us asylum within your library? We're finding it awfully hard to run away while carrying all these bits!

Your favorite con-artists, Flim and Flam.

P.S.: We'll give you Applejack's bass!

Dear Flim and Flam:

I'm busy trying to come up with some way of fooling the pegasi into thinking that I care about them! To be honest, there's only one pegasus who I could possibly care about.

Your indifferent Princess, Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: Since when does Applejack play bass? More to the point, when do you get that?

Dear Granny Smith:

Did you just sell my bass?! Ah swear ah have no idea why ah haven't sent you to a retirement home.

Your angry granddaughter, Applejack.

Dear Applejack:

Bass? Since when do you play bass?

Your confused grandmother, Granny Smith.

Dear Applesack:

I must admit, I'm impressed that a brawny earth pony like you had the brains to put not one, but two unicorns in their place. And even more so that you convinced another Dirtville pony to stand up to the FlimFlamily, even though they were the ones who employed him and would thus leave him without any income.

And you're not just resourceful, my dear Applejohn! You're also lucky enough to have made a bit out of the deal! I mean, one bit may not be much, but I'm sure that the interest you'll make on it will eventually make you rich!

In any case, I suggest you don't spend it on anything. I suspect you might need some extra money on hoof in the near future.

Love, Disco Dragon-pony.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Conspiracy Theory

Author's Note

Original Chapter Here.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Conspiracy Theory

Dear Sun-butt:

Next time Moon-butt goes on an “extended vacation,” why not hire someone to replace her? Why, I know of a certain Draconequus who would be more than willing to dress up like an alicorn for 1000 years!

Sincerely, Mr. Q~~, who is totally not Discord, and totally not planning on retaking the throne~~.

Dear Discord:

There are more than enough alicorns in Equestria to fulfill any duties Luna leaves behind if she decides to slack off again. Furthermore, Draconequuses (Draconequui?) are barred from holding office. And finally, I am currently trying to find ways to reduce the number of Alicorns in the country, rather than increase it. If Luna wants to waste years playing her games and neglecting her subjects, let her.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

P.S.: Next time you try to masquerade as somepony else, don’t call me “Sun-Butt.”

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

We believe you, and we also know that Celestia and Luna are planning to brainwash us all into his mindless servants. We suggest you make a hat from aluminum foil in case an alien’s inclined to probe your butt or read your mind. It looks a bit peculiar, but we know that someday you’ll prove there’s a big conspiracy.

Sincerely, Cheese Sandwich and Pinkie Pie.

Dear NASA:

That’s one small step for ma- HOLY SHIT THERE ARE BRAIN-MELTING ALIEN PONIES ON THE MOON!!!

Sincerely, Neil Armstrong.

Dear Princess Luna:

Next time, please take your killer oven-robots with you when you leave.

Sincerely, Wallace and Gromit.

Hiatus Bonus Chapter: Hearts and Hooves 2015

Original letter here.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

Okay, I’ll be your student again, and I’ll send you lots of letters. Just please stay the fuck out of my dreams!

Your freaked-out student, Sunset Shimmer.

Dear Sunset Shimmer:

You’d better not break that promise if you want to sleep comfortably at night.

Your horny teacher, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle:

Do you really need Flash Sentry to make you happy? I mean, you clearly enjoy both mares and stallions, so I don’t see why you’d have to single-mindedly hunt him down. Also, I’ve made it clear time and again that I have claimed him as my personal sex slave, so nopony else has any right to use him.

And besides, I’m pretty sure that the sirens were left pretty destitute after you made them taste your rainbow, so they’d be happy to have food and a home in exchange for eternal sex servitude. And if you wanted to mix things up, why not cast a gender-swap spell on yourself? I can only imagine how much fun that would be!

Your suggestive former teacher, Celestia.

P.S.: If you do change yourself into a guy, you’ll need a new name. I suggest Dusk Shine.

Dear Princess Celestia:

The sirens as my sex slaves?! Are you crazy?! That would be absolutely-

Well, now that I think about it, it might not be such a bad idea.

Your hopefully soon-to-be-satisfied former student, Twilight Sparkle.

P.S.: Gender-swap spells? That sounds icky. And yet strangely alluring at the same time.

P.P.S.: Dusk Shine? Well, I guess it makes sense. But wasn’t one of the sirens called Sonata Dusk or something? Wouldn’t that cause confusion? Ah well, I’ll figure it out later.

Author's Note

Since milesprower06 is having fun with shipping today, I decided to have some fun of my own.

Join the club! DuskDusk OTP!

Appleloosa's Most Wanted

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Appleloosa's Most Wanted

Dear Sheriff Silver Star:

I heard that a troublemaking pony was recently caught in your town. While I am glad that you have managed to catch him, I am somewhat concerned by subsequent reports I received.

First of all, I was informed that the pony in question had no ill intent, but was merely unlucky. If this is the case, then the fact that you have failed to catch him for all these years is quite disturbing. Indeed, if your reports are to be believed, this “Troubleshoes” was caught by a trio of fillies. The fact that a trio of fillies were able to catch a criminal whose entire existence is based on being unlucky when all your ponies failed is, to be honest, quite disturbing.

This, of course, brings me up to the second point: the three fillies. I am, unfortunately, quite familiar with this terrible trio. And I can assure you that, if their alliance with Troubleshoes had not been a temporary one, we would be facing chaos that would have made Discord proud. Not to mention that whoever was in charge of protecting these fillies needs to be punished severely for neglect.

Finally, I am glad that Troubleshoes has found his place in life. However, I would advise that you do not tell my sister anything about him. There is no telling what she would do if she took interest in him.

Sincerely, Princess Luna.

Dear Sheriff Silver Star:

You are hereby demoted to janitor for your incompetence. I have appointed Troubleshoes to be the new Sherriff.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Troubleshoes:

Is that nasty old cutie mark causing you grief? I’m sure I can find a way to help you!

Sincerely, Starlight Glimmer.

Rarity Investigates

Author's Note

Original letter here.

Rarity Investigates

Dear Wind Rider:

I'm quite surprised you didn't just murder Rainbow Dash. I'm sure that it would have been a lot easier than having Spitfire go on some wild goose chase and then frame Rainbow for her disappearance. And if you were worried about somepony finding the body, I know a pony named Pinkie Pike who has a "special" way of making bodies disappear.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia.

Dear Shining Armor:

If the colors of the outfits is what concerns you, then it is probably for the best that you are no longer the Captain of the Guard.

Sincerely, Princess Luna.

Dear Shiny-Whiney:

I think I understand why you love being the captain so much. It's been so much fun coloring them all! Also, they really like cake. You wouldn't believe how much fun it is emptying Princess Celery's cake stash and watching them all chow down!

Sincerely, Disqord (Not to be confused with Discord).

P.S.: By the way, your pink javelin pony has been looking ever so slightly fatter recently. May I inquire why?

The Hooffields and McColts

Author's Note

Original letter here.

The Hooffields and McColts

Dear diary:

Having watched the complete failure of any and all methods Twilight had planned, as well as how easily she carried her own saddlebags, I am now convinced that the sole reason she packed so many things into my saddlebags was to see their weight dragging me down. Honestly, why did she even carry her own bags? She could have just let me carry them and be done with it.

~Fluttershy

Dear McColt family:

Would you mind sharing a few of your pumpkin quesadillas? I have an idea as to how to use them effectively.

Sincerely, Fluttershy.

Dear Twily and Flutters:

Why did you have to make those two inbred families stop arguing? I mean, their feud was so much fun to watch! Not to mention how they utterly devastated the countryside! Seriously, I'm surprised they didn't all join me in the Royal garden years ago!

Sincerely, Discord.

Dear Douchebag pony families:

Please stop chucking produce at us. The multicolored birds were bad enough.

Sincerely, the animals.

The Cutie Re-Mark

Original letter here.

Dear Starlight Glimmer:

Don't feel too bad about your boyfriend. The last time I saw mine, he gave me a cheeky smile and got on a train. Last I heard of him he was stuck with my old mentor.

Your new teacher, Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Twilight Sparkle:

Thank you for stopping Starlight Glimmer. It would have been a pain in the arse to deal with another idiot trying to mess with the laws of time. I still need time to recover after punching my way back to Gallifrey.

Sincerely, The Doctor.

Dear Starlight Glimmer:

So you think you can just sit on my throne and not get punished?!

...Fine. As long as you don't go anywhere near my shed.

Sincerely, Fluttershy.

Dear Fluttershy:

Of course I sat in your throne! How else was I supposed to make a point about the butterfly effect?

Sincerely, Starlight Glimmer.

Dear Sunlight Shivers:

I'm sorry, do I know you?

Sincerely, Starlight Glimmer.

Dear Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity:

Isn't it obvious? Any time I found a timeline where the five of you lived happily without me? I hunted all of you down and killed you before going back for Starlight.

...What? I wasn't just going to waste such an awesome opportunity, was I?

Sincerely happy, Twilight.

P.S.: The last timeline? That was the one where I succeeded in overthrowing Celestia.

Author's Note

Finally! After a long period of writer's block, I finally finished with season 5!

Which is great, because Season 6 starts in less than two weeks! (and right on the day after my birthday, no less!)

Anyway I may or may not do the hiatus chapters. Depends on my motivation.

No Second Prances

Author's Note

Original letter here.

No Second Prances

Dear Starlight Glimmer:

From this moment on, all ponies you choose to befriend must be on the List of Approved Friendly Ponies. No exceptions. Any attempts to defy this rule shall be punished in the most humiliating and sexy ways imaginable.

Your super sexy teacher, Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Twilight:

Let's be honest: we both know that Starlight Glimmer is way sexier than you.

Sincerely, The Great and Powerful Trixie.

Dear Diary:

Trixie tried to recruit me and Snips for an awesome trick with a big fluffy cat! Unfortunately, Snips said no. I have no idea why. That cat is so fluffy!

~Snails

Dear Trixie:

Please help me! The great purple demon wishes to destroy me!

Your little creation, The Great and Shiny Sporksie.

Dear Diary:

I have just had the most indescribably strange urge to articulate my thoughts into verbal form ever since the Psychopathic Princess's pathetic pink pupil powerfully possessed my particular perceptive processes and permuted my prose...

HELP!!!

~Big Mac

Dear Trixie:

I despise your human counterpart, and I also despise your best friend for her attempt to usurp the position that is rightfully mine. That being said, I also resent Twilight for dropping me like a bar of prison soap (knowing her, she dropped it on purpose). Therefore, I shall join your team and help to overthrow the Lavender Menace.

Sincerely, Sunset Shimmer.

P.S.: I shall also be bringing along a pair of dragons, who also wish to get revenge for almost having them mutilated (long story).