A Most Simple Retelling of a Most Interesting Day

by Super Trampoline

Rating: everyone
Tags: Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Sunset Shimmer, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 995

An exciting and extraordinary day in the life of the Mane 5 and others, told as boringly as possible. If you read this, you will be bored.

(dis)Like what you read? Tell me why! ~Super

An exciting and extraordinary day in the life of the Mane 5 and others, told as boringly as possible. If you read this, you will be bored. (Why am I writing this? As an exercise in stupidity after reading this extremely interesting blog post and ensuing discussion.)

Published 2013-12-16 23:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-01 05:00:17 UTC

There's a Monster in the Town Square.

Twilight Sparkle woke up and yawned. It was a very beautiful sunny day outside, with only a few clouds sitting here and there in the sky. She quickly opened the curtains on her window. She was about to start singing a happy song, but stopped herself when she noticed that there was a monster in the middle of the town square. That was scary. Twilight was a princess now, so she decided she needed to go talk to the monster and see what the problem was. That was what a princess would do.

Spike was finally sleeping, after spending most of the night crying. He was sad that he would never see his beloved sweet Rarity ever again. He blamed himself for what had happened, even though everypony assured him that it was not his fault, and that no one suspected August Flower was going to snap. He did not wake up until late in the afternoon, and so does not appear again until later in this story.

Pinkie Pie always woke up early, because she had to help prepare the bakery for the morning rush of customers grabbing breakfast before work. She was about to take some muffins out of the oven, when parts of her body began to twitch; this was known as her "Pinkie Sense", and it helped her predict the future. This particular combination of twitches and flops meant a large monster with flames bursting from its back was about to appear. She told the Cakes where she was going, then left the bakery and bounced to the town square. Whatever was coming would likely appear there.

Rainbow Dash was snoozing, snoring loudly in her cloud home. She was one of those ponies who stayed up late, so she was sleeping in right now. She would not wake up for another two and a half hours, and so is not important to our story right now.

Applejack was as always up at the break of dawn. Because it was winter, the break of dawn happened at around six thirty. So she was wide awake when the monster started dancing in the middle of town at eight o' clock. However, Sweet Apple Acres was fairly far from the site of the commotion, so she did not learn about it until later. Right now she was busy bucking apple trees, doing what she always did for around 340 days of the year. Most ponies would find it boring, but she didn't care, because she enjoyed the hard work.

Rarity was dead. She had been shot with a crossbow bolt four months ago by a troubled admirer. It was very sad. Her widower Fancy Pants and her sister Sweetie Belle were in charge of generosity now. It was very generous of them. Only Sweetie Belle shows up in this story.

Sweetie Belle did not sleep very well last night. She had not slept very well at all in the past four months since her sister was assassinated. Even though she would not like to be awake at eight in the morning, she was, because she could not get over the fact that she would never see or hug or bug her sister again. She cried a lot, but at least her friends Apple Bloom and Scootaloo had helped comfort her. However the only part of this that is relevant to this story is that Sweetie was awake when the giant monster began swinging its appendages around. She heard the sounds, and looked through her window to see what was happening. However, she couldn't see anything, because there was another house in the way. So she put on a coat and walked outside to see what was happening.

Fluttershy was feeding her chickens, when she suddenly heard a loud boom. "Oh my," she said, and quickly headed inside and locked the doors and closed the blinds. She wished she had made that emergency shelter in her basement large enough for ponies.

Fuego Caliente!

Meanwhile, in an alternate dimension, Sunset Shimmer was running for her life from a giant squirrel. The squirrel was burning with a green fire, and yelling "Fuego Caliente!" If Sunset had paid attention during her Spanish (called Andalusian in Equestria) class, she would have known that "Fuego Caliente!" means "hot fire!", and would have realized that squirrel was not trying to attack her, but was only trying to ask her for help. However, Sunset hadn't paid much attention during her Spanish class, because at the time she had been more focused on taking over the world. So she kept running, and the fiery monster kept chasing her. Finally, the creature could take no more, so it tore a hole in reality, which they both fell through.

They tumbled out into the middle of the Ponyville town square, for some reason. Sunset hit the ground with an "Oof!" This was the first time she had a pony body in a dozen years, and she gasped at the sensation of once more having hooves and no clothes on. The monster had not made the trip through the portal as well as she had. It was still on fire, and now looked like an Eldritch Abomination. It had five heads, seven arms, and forty-three toes.

Pinkie Pie also gasped. "Oh my gosh, it's you, that mare who used to be an equestrian but ran away to be evil! Welcome back! You know what this means? We need to throw you a "Welcome Back!" party!

Meanwhile in Canterlot castle, Princess Celestia was playing backgammon with one of her guards, when a scroll materialized in front of her face. Celestia could tell from the hoofwriting that Twilight herself had written it rather than telling Spike what to write, which is called dictating a letter. She unraveled the scroll, and read it aloud. It read:

Dear Princess Celestia: A monster and Sunset Shimmer appeared in Ponyville. Help!