Ratatosk Watches A Griffon Get Brushed Off

by Hopefullygoodgrammar

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Gilda, Crossover
Length: 1595

Just another day in the life of a cosmic squirrel.

Ratatosk has been watching the events of My Little Pony happen from his perch on the branches of Yggdrasil the World Tree.

After he watches "Griffon the Brush-Off" he is sorely tempted to write a letter to the Princess and Odin asking for permission to lay the smack-down on a certain mangy griffon, but something stops him.

This particular griffon might just be more special than he thought.

A sort -of prequel to my upcoming story Plummeting Through Worlds

Published 2013-12-17 16:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-17 16:40:04 UTC

Of Bullies and Squirrels

Of Bullies and Squirrels

Author’s Note: Don’t own MLP and I’m not sure who owns the whole of Norse Mythology, Odin maybe?

Ratatosk Watches A Jerk Griffon Get Brushed Off

It gets lonely in the branches of Yggdrasil.

Sure it’s an incomprehensibly massive tree at the center of all Creation from which all universes, real, fictional or parallel, hang like really odd-looking fruits full of galaxies and planets, (Oh and did I mention that each and every single version of Paradise and the Underworld are here as well?), but to me it was just kind of “Meh.” .

I’m sure that to you that sounds like the most amazing thing in the world and I’m sure that you’d happily sell your siblings into slavery or hand your parents over to unscrupulous Pharmacologists to get here, but it really isn't that great from where I’m perched.

Then again, I've been here since the beginning.

Oh, I should introduce myself. My name is Ratatosk and I am, in basic terms, an ancient, elder-god-ish, shape-shifting, dimension-hopping squirrel.

Why do I choose to remain a lowly nut-eater when I can shape-shift?

Because I freakin’ ADORE squirrels and their cute little faces and their big, bushy tails, that and being a creature that is naturally adept at climbing helps my job a lot.

You see my job is to relay messages to various deities, spirits, Timelords and Lovecraftian abominations, yes you heard the last part right...don’t give me that look! I’ll have you know that Dagon pays me in the best damn walnuts you’ll never taste.

I’m not alone in my duties, there are other animal-magical-spiritual-thingies, but this is MY story, so they won’t get mentioned…. like, at all.

Wait, where was I going with this?

Oh yes: it gets lonely here, the other messengers don’t talk to me outside of work, the heating is nonexistent and I have an infinite number of universes to look at and I cannot interact with them at all, which blows as mightily as Poseidon with a cold.

I’m sure you’re all wondering which worlds I watch, I used to watch your world, buuuut I tuned out when Jersey Shore came on, then I watched the universe where every sentient creature was a shrimp, but I grew bored of that place. After a while I gave up all hope of ever seeing a nice place, but then IT caught my eye: a world of bright colors, magic, adventure and some very interesting locals, a world where friendship was magic and gems were edible.

Equestria.

I was almost immediately drawn in and I've been watching the events unfold in real time ever since, I even started a fan club for Fluttershy, but so far I’m the only member.

Two Zeks ago (That’s sort of like cosmic days to you mortals) I “Tuned In” to Equestria and set my semi-omnipotent sights on Ponyville to see if anything interesting was happening, what I saw peaked my interest: I saw a griffon, a female by her tone and stunningly hot bod (What, I’m an animal, sue me if you think your lawyers can travel to the World-between-Worlds.), I was interested considering griffons were usually either very honorable or very mean and I wanted to see how she turned out.

I didn’t have long to wait: within three minutes of her being in Ponyville she had stolen an apple, threatened Pinkie Pie and nearly scared some poor old mare half to death, How dare she?! I mentally growled She could be someone’s granny ya half-breed freak!

I thought that she couldn't get any worse, I was proven so very wrong, Fluttershy was walking down the road, helping a family of ducks ( I have a feeling that she, Gandhi, the Doctor and every single Disney Princess ever would get along smashingly) and generally being cute as a button made of cuteness, when the griffon bumped into her.

“Hey! I’m walkin’ here!” she growled, being a creature who encountered protoplasmic blog creatures with too many eyes whenever I went to the bathroom, I wasn't intimidated in the slightest, but poor Fluttershy was trembling like a leaf.

“I-I’m s-sorry I-” she began as she backpedaled, but the griffon cut her off.

“‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’” she mocked in a high falsetto, “Why don’t you just watch where you’re going, doofus?!” , then she drew in a deep breath and roared in the poor mare’s face; Fluttershy ran off crying.

I sat there in stunned silence as my infinitely intelligent brain tried to process what the hell, Hel and Tartarus had just happened, when I did wrap my mind around it I the liquid stars that made up my blood boil like a pot of water over a river of lava and hellfire.

I ground my drill-like teeth together and hissed like a pissy basilisk; That half-breed bitch just made Saint Fluttershy cry! You know what? Fuck being the watcher, Imma go down there, take the form of a giant boot and put myself so far up her ass that she’ll sneeze shoelaces!

I continued on in this manner, plotting my brutal and unholy revenge against this griffon whilst rubbing my paws and making very strange noises, finally I stopped once my kinder side kicked in: Don’t worry it said placatingly This world is one of peace and forgiveness, maybe she’ll turn over a new leaf.

I sighed and sat back down as I watched Pinkie plan a perilously precocious party to placate and possibly persuade the pestilent punk to be less prickish.

The party began and, wouldn't ya know it the griffon, whom I found out was named Gilda, was a bully and an all around meanie to everyone, I watched as she stupidly fell victim to every prank at the party, which I’m sure wasn't’t set up just for her, I giggled as she burned her vile tongue on pepper drops, I guffawed as she fell victim to the joke birthday candles and I squealed as she utterly failed at Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Pony.

Finally she left in a rage after being pranked too much and having her friend Rainbow Dash turn on her, I watched as she flew away, saw her shout curses at the sky, I was having a ball, though I still wanted to write to both Odin and Princess Celestia asking if I could go in and tell her off because damn it she made Fluttershy cry!

Maybe she’s had a hard life? put in my kind side weakly.

Shut up! normal me barked.

I still wouldn’t try to make things worse for her, she just lost her best friend and probably her only friend.

Like I care about her friend issue. She’s still a bitch.

You only don’t care because you don’t have any friends to lose.

Hey! That’s a low blow!

I continued my internal debate until a sudden chill interrupted me, I turned away from the still-flying Gilda and peered into one of the many (evil) voids that existed between Yggdrasil's branches.

I sensed something in there, something that had been hidden from my sight, something old, something that originated in Equestria, something calculating, powerful and most definitely pure, unfettered evil.

I shuddered as it stirred again, I caught a glimpse of two pure red eyes glaring at me from the inky depths, Why doesn't it have pupils? Why can’t evil be bothered to have those little eye-dots anymore? How do you get eyes like that anyway?.... Wait a zcoggins (That’s “Second” to you mortals) Why did this thing chose this particular time to start acting up? Does it have something to do with one of the ponies?

I turned back, hoping to see a pony, but I was still watching as Gilda cut through the clouds like a very feathery knife through really puffy butter.

No….. no, nononono NO!

I looked back at the thing in the void and then returned my gaze to Gilda, who was now looking like she was a few rells (Minutes) away from actually regretting her actions, I looked back at the evil thing, “There’s no way that she of all creatures set you off.” I said, doubting my words the instant they left my mouth.

“Usually when an ancient evil awakens it’s because a hero is close to rising, but she’s not a hero! She wouldn’t even qualify as an anti-hero! She’s just a bully and thief and a really shitty friend, how is she connected to you? Is she gonna set you free? Should I be looking into the history of this world? Answer me, you red-eyed, pupil-less monster!!”

The creature didn’t answer.

I turned back to GIlda, who was now sitting on a cloud, saying “I don’t need that dweeb, Rainbow Dash, I don’t need any of ‘em! I-I’m better of as a l-loner.” she sniffed and drew a talon across her eyes.

I kept watching until Gilda flew out of sight, leaving behind a tear-stained cloud and a lot of unease on my part.

I narrowed my eyes and looked at the place where she had been, then I looked back at the void, I hope you really are just a meanie, otherwise you’re in for one hell of a bad time.

Author's Note

Yay my first one shot!

As for Plummeting Through Worlds, I'm not sure how long it will take me to begin the story, but I just wanted to give you guys a little peak at what's to come, hopefully I'll have it planned out/ mostly written by February.