The Manliest Story Ever Conceived
Iron Will was speeding down a highway made of Slim Jims on his lightning-powered motorcycle, his leather jacket with a picture of a lion eating a tri-tip steak on the back flapping in the breeze. He stopped flexing his muscles to adjust his cowboy hat as two large-breasted women on either side of him took off their tops and started to make out. He was passing several mountains made of condensed GMC protein powder.
He looked up and saw that the clouds made of cigar smoke were drizzling hammerhead sharks, so he put on his sunglasses, and stroked his Duck Dynasty beard. Iron Will then twisted the throttle and sped up, a huge cloud of fire and Budweiser shooting out of his assault rifle-shaped exhaust pipe. His tight American flag pants rippled with the wind as he was hit with a full-on Doctor Pepper front.
The Doctor Pepper didn't affect Iron Will, so he pulled out some weights and started powerlifting, just to show the weather who was boss. He warmed up with a mere three hundred pounds on each side, until his manly muscles were good and stretched. Afterwards he turned around and leapt onto the two cages that were tied to the back of his motorcycle, each of which housed an African Elephant. The motorcycle(which was a cross-breed between a Harley and a Kawasaki) drove perfectly straight because Iron Will was just that fucking muscular. His massive, rippling veins pulsated in all of their masculine glory, as they fueled his body with the tiger blood, that carried dragon oxygen to his every living cell.
Landing on the cages, he struck a pose that was so incredible, the cages burst open. The African Elephants each activated their jet-boots and flew onto each end of the bar. Iron Will dove back to his motorcycle, and lifted the elephants above his head, then he started doing squat thrusts. His calf muscles burst out of his Americana pants, giving him a super-manly grunge look.
Iron Will knew that the situation wasn't nearly manly enough, so he attached two boomboxes to the African Elephants. One of the boomboxes was playing Van Halen, and the other was blasting Metallica. He dropped his weights and pulled out a katana, which he used to shoot lightning at the sky while the hot, totally topless chicks grabbed his junk. Iron Will looked down at the hot girls.
"Iron Will please," said Hot Chick Number One,"I know you're too muscular to be affected by such minor things as natural disasters, but we mere mortals can't withstand the furious deliciousness of Doctor Pepper."
Hot Chick Number Two bounced her boobies in agreement.
Iron Will felt bad for the two hot chicks, for he had the manliest quality of all: a heart of gold that he liked to keep quiet about. So he pressed a button on his motorcycle and it turned into a shark-shaped monster truck made of fire. He stopped blaring Van Halen and Metallica, opting for ACDC's Highway to Hell, as he thought that fit the fire-shark mood much better. The wheels of the monster truck were spiked, and were also rabid, mutated gorillas.
Suddenly, a giant lazer shot the ground in front of them, grilling the Slim Jims. Iron Will wasn't worried though, he just flexed his muscles, which made the monster truck fly. Then he looked up, and saw that robocops wearing camo were invading. They were attacking in UFO's shaped like baseball bats covered in razor-blades.
Iron Will scoffed, the manly alternative to laughing, and jumped through the roof of his flaming vehicle. He shot lightning out of his body, and it took the form of a falcon. He flew up through the titanium hull of the spaceship. The twisted metal cut half of his face off, revealing that he was actually a Terminator the whole time. The robocops gasped in shock, but released their velociraptor horde, and ordered them to attack Iron Will The Terminator.
Iron Will scoffed again, then he punched all of the velociraptors in the face at the same time. After that he ran to the prison bay, and glared at the doors, causing them to explode, thus releasing all of the prisoners.
Unfortunately, as Iron Will turned around, he discovered that the robocops had teamed up with the predators, and they were all pointing lasers at him. Iron Will knew what he had to do, so he pulled out his cellphone, and called his best friends, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Macho Man Randy Savage. They both teleported into the ship using their muscles.
Then, the three best friends took off their shirts and bounced their pecs so fast that the entire ship shook, causing the robocops and predators to crash into each other and explode into a cloud of root beer mist. The explosion caused the ship's engines to rupture, sending it hurtling towards Ponyville. Iron Will, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Macho Man Randy Savage teleported to the top of the ship, and rode the giant, titanium baseball bat all the way to the ground while they chugged beers and shredded sick solos on bass guitars made of hand grenades.
They landed in a dust cloud of fire, beer, titanium and robocops, jumping off of the baseball bat while doing backflips and having sex with sexy black women. The second they landed on the ground they put on sunglasses and spouted individual one-liners. Then the baseball bat exploded, showering Ponyville with a sick hell storm of red-hot shrapnel.
Twilight Sparkle ran up to Iron Will.
"Iron Will, thank goodness you're here, we need your help!"
"What with, my purple friend/sex buddy?"
"Look! Just off the horizon!"
Iron Will turned and saw a horde of tyrannosauruses with grizzly bear heads flying towards Ponyville.
"Boys," Iron Will said as he turned to Stone Cold and Macho Man,"let's snap into a Slim Jim!"
Author's Note
The keyboard I typed this with was made of fire.
