The Cutie Mark Crusaders Nuke Ponyville
“Okay, Cutie Mark Crusaders! On one, two, three, push!”
Three tiny hooves slammed onto the big, shiny red button at the same time. The CMC looked over the balcony expectantly, watching Ponyville on the horizon. There was a sound like thunder, and the quaint little town was replaced with an ever growing ball of fire, which coalesced into a mushroom cloud.
“Beautiful, just beautiful,” a stallion in a pristine white suit and hat whispered to himself, standing behind the Cutie Mark Crusaders as Ponyville was wiped off the face of Equestria. “You've done well, girls.”
“Did we do it?” Apple Bloom asked her friends, dropping the remote control detonator. They all looked towards their flanks, where a symbol was beginning to take form on each of them. They gasped.
“History's Greatest Monsters Cutie Marks, yay!” the three cheered in unison.
“Ah got a megaton nuke!” Applebloom bragged, pointing to the armament that now permanently marked her.
“And I got the corpse of an innocent!” Sweetie Belle said, spinning in circles as she tried to get a better looked at the rotting corpse of a radiation victim.
“Aww, mine's not as cool as the rest of you,” Scootaloo lamented, staring at her flank with disappointment.
“What is it?” Applebloom asked, stepping up beside her friend. On Scootaloo's flank was a picture of a very unkempt, bearded male pony with crazy eyes and a swastika on his forehead. “Yeesh, yeah, that's kinda skeezy.”
“Now now, there's nothing wrong with a little Helter Skelter now and then,” the older pony said, comforting Scootaloo. “When I first saw you three walk into Berry Punch's bar, I knew you were the only ponies capable of blowing up the nuke that had laid dormant underneath Ponyville for centuries. And now I have such a lovely view of the horizon, no longer obscured by that pitiful little shanty-town.”
“An' it'll be an even better view once the smoke clears!” Apple Bloom added.
“Indeed,” Burke said, and motioned to their flanks. “Well, I believe you have been payed in full for your help. I will escort you outside the mansion now.”
“Okay. Thanks again, Mr. Burke,” Sweetie Belle said.
“Oh no, the pleasure was all mine, Miss Belle,” Burke replied. “Now, please follow along.”
Burke turned walk through the doorway that had led them to the balcony, and Scootaloo's face lit up in a demented grin. Quick as a bolt, she dashed forward and bucked Burke in the back of his left leg. There was a bone-shattering crack followed by a thud as the stallion hit the floor.
“C'mon girls, help me pick him up!” Scootaloo said, grabbing Burke's rear and hoisting it above her head as the stallion screamed and cursed.
“What for?” Apple Bloom asked.
“We're murderers now, right? It's our special talent!” Scootaloo explained. “So we're gonna kill this guy and take this mansion for ourselves!”
“I guess that makes sense,” Sweetie Belle said uncertainly.
“Well, we do need a new place to sleep, seeyin' as how we blew up our clubhouse,” Apple Bloom rationalized. “Okay, I'll take the front.”
“I call middle!” Sweetie Belle added.
“You are making a grave mistake!” Burke warned, and received a hoof in the teeth from Apple Bloom.
“And you're fixin' ta be in one, so shut it.” Apple Bloom smirked, slipping underneath Burke's chest and lifting up. The stallion's forelegs swung wildly, but weren't able to land a solid blow against the filly. “C'mon Sweetie Belle, this guy is heavy with all sorts of evil!”
“Okay, okay!” Sweetie Belle huffed, picking up Burke's mid-section with both her hooves and a little bit of unicorn magic.
“Okay, back straight out!” Scootaloo called out. The CMC began to move, and Burke's head was slammed against the side of the door-frame.
“Damn it, are you trying to kill me or give me a concussion!” Burke cursed.
“That wasn't straight at all, Apple Bloom!” Sweetie Belle chastised.
“It's not my fault! You're the one goin' all wiggly wild!” Apple Bloom shot back.
“Girls, we've all done a lot of experimenting to find our cutie marks. I don't think any of us are straight anymore,” Scootaloo said. “Let's just kill this guy, okay?”
“That's not what we was talkin' about, but fine,” Apple Bloom said with a sigh. With a little bit of maneuvering, the crusaders were able to carry Burke out to the railing and lean him up against it. They paused to wipe the sweat from their brows.
“I'll kill you all!” Burke shouted, reaching into his coat and pulling out a handgun.
“Ah, stuff it,” Apple Bloom said, not even turning around as she back-hoofed him in the groin. The stallion doubled over in pain. “Let's just get this over with.”
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle grabbed each of his rear hooves and lifted him up and over the railing. The three stood up and looked over the railing as Burke tumbled to the ground, firing his gun uselessly all the while. They were so high up, they didn't even hear a sound when the stallion hit the ground.
“Let's have a moment of silence fer our first victim,” Apple Bloom said, covering her heart with her hoof.
“What about all the ponies in Ponyville?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“No way. If we had a moment fer all them, we'd be here forever,” Scootaloo said, and followed Apple Bloom's example.
“Fine,” Sweetie Belle said, joining the two in silence for a full quarter of a minute. “Shouldn't one of us loot his body?”
“Good idea, Sweetie Belle. You first,” Scootaloo said, reaching over and pushing Sweetie Belle over the edge.
“Scootaloo, no!” Apple Bloom shouted, grabbing Sweetie and pulling her back down to the balcony.
“What? I'm just following my cutie mark.” Scoots shrugged.
“Limits, Scootaloo! There are limits!” Apple Bloom said as she comforted the hyperventilating Sweetie Belle.
“You killed your entire family, and you're going to lecture me?” Scootaloo scoffed.
“Yeah, well they made me eat apples every day! They deserved it! But Sweetie Belle ain't done a naughty thing in her whole life,” Apple Bloom said, brushing a hoof through the filly's two-toned mane.
Scootaloo scrunched up her face and motioned towards the smoking crater that was Ponyville.
“... To us,” Apple Bloom added hastily.
“I'm gonna go search the house for instruments of destruction,” Sweetie Belle said, untangling herself from Apple Bloom. “Try not to let Scootaloo teach you how to fly when I'm gone, okay Apple Bloom?”
Scootaloo threw her hooves into the air in exasperation. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom both rolled their eyes, and the former trot off the balcony and into Burke's mansion.
“So, what do we do now?” Apple Bloom asked once some time had passed.
“Well, I did always want to get back at Cloudsdale for trying to send me to the Rainbow Factory just because I couldn't pass their stupid flying exam. Maybe if we found some way to convert the clouds to noxious gas...” Scootaloo mused.
“Is that all our life is, now? Killing folks just to kill folks?” Apple Bloom asked.
“What can I say?” Scootaloo sang, “That's what my cutie mark is telling me.”
“Girls!” a voice boomed down from the heavens, and shining light enveloped the balcony, blinding the two fillies. When the intensity of the light died down, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo found themselves face to face with Princess Celestia. “What have you done?!”
“Oh, hey Princess. What's up?” Scootaloo asked nonchalantly, leaning against the banister coolly.
Celestia scrunched up her face and motioned towards the smoking crater that was Ponyville.
“Oh, that?” Apple Bloom asked with a nervous chuckle. “It was, uh, like that when we got here.”
“And was this like that when you got here, too?” Celestia asked, pointing to Scootaloo's cutie mark.
“Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little Helter Skelter now and then!” Scootaloo answered.
“Girls, I am deeply disappointed in you,” Celestia said, using the tone a mother would user when punishing her children. “I hope you know that I can not forgive you for what you have done.”
“Yes, Princess Celestia,” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo answered lethargically.
“Come along, then. I have to file some papers with the royal court, and then I'll prepare a spot for you on the moon,” Celestia explained. She turned around and muttered under her breath, “damn Luna and all these new moon imprisonment regulations.”
Scootaloo and Apple Bloom were picked up in Celestia's field of magic, and the three lifted into the air. At that moment, Sweetie Belle reappeared on the balcony.
“Hey girls, look what I found!” she said cheerfully, hefting an enormous cannon over her shoulder. “It think it's called a Fat Man!”
“Shoot her!” Scootaloo and Apple Bloom called out as Celestia's eyes went wide.
“Okay!” Sweetie answered in the same happy tone. She pulled the trigger, and a mini-nuke was launched straight at the Princess's face.
“Mother of me,” Celestia cursed, her horn lighting up with magic exertion, but not quickly enough.
On that day, Ponyville and all of its inhabitants, the cutie mark crusaders, Burke, his mansion, and Princess Celestia disappeared from Equestria. Upon returning from her trip to the Crystal Empire, Princess Twilight heard the sad news, and was quoted by the national news as saying:
“A nuke under Ponyville? Genocide commited by three little girls? Sounds like a crappy fanfic plot to me.”
Nopony disagreed.
Author's Note
Heh, heh heh... sorry that you had to read that. Yes, it made no sense. Yes, everypony was acting out of character to one degree or another. No, I do not care. The idea was hilarious to me, and I ran with it. Just consider it a parody, like I do, and go along with it.
Let me re-itterate, this has nothing to do with Fallout Equestria. I've never even read that fic past the first three or so chapters. The idea for this story came from playing Fallout 3 recently, and wanting to write a story where Apple Bloom got a really crappy Cutie Mark. This whole thing was written off-the-cuff, with no planning, and only minimal editing after I was done with it. It is what it is, and I hope it made you laugh. :)
