The Man Who Might Be King

by Sobbing

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Lyra, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 18066

By some miracle of a failure, something new comes to Equestria. Although the poor guy is starting to wonder, why did everyone see it coming?

By some miracle of a failure, something new comes to Equestria. Although the poor guy is starting to wonder, why did everyone see it coming?

Now, going off the excellent logic that whatever anyone wants can only possibly be bad for him, he's stuck running for his life from a usually hostile, and occasionally amorous, army of ponies.

It's a bit unlucky everything else he finds seems to think the same way as the ponies though.

Published 2013-12-20 04:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-08 01:39:51 UTC

Chapter 1

Author's Note

Since I cannot be bothered to read anything from before I stopped posting here, Anything after chapter 5 might contradict the precious few plot points I had established.

I was pretty awful at writing back then, too.

Chapter 1

I was just sitting around not doing anything much of anything, when suddenly I get a light show. Normally, this kind of thing doesn't happen. Especially when I don't go looking for it, and I was quite indisposed at the time. I found myself surrounded by bright beams of all colors, it was pretty terrifying.

Pity that was the high point of it. The terror died after a few minutes of nothing happening. Well, the lights were still there, and I was in some sort of unending abyss, but that was about it. An abyss that was filled with all the colors of the rainbow, but an abyss nonetheless. I did take the opportunity to prepare myself though, so whatever I faced on the other side, I'd face without shame.

I got my wish soon enough, when my scenery abruptly changed and I found myself in new surroundings. It was a room, I could definitely make that out. There was a bed, and some books on a small table. A bedroom! Progress is great.

There was one oddity though, a purple thing, standing in front of a set of stairs. It had green fins on its head, and a tail. It was staring at me, and the eyes were pretty big, an unnerving sight. It would have been scary too, except it didn't look very big. It barely reached my knee, I bet I could step on it. I might even try, if it moved, I'd show that thing who's boss. I could try speaking to it first though, no need to rush into violence. But I'd totally do it, if I had to.

My conscience must have debated mercy too long, because now there were two of them. But fuck, this one probably reached my waist. My one advantage was gone, looked like diplomacy was my only option now.

This one was purple, too. I guess everything was purple here. She was a unicorn, looked like one anyway. So I guess radically different body shapes were alright. Awfully tolerant of them, not caring what you looked like. They probably killed and ate anyone who wasn't purple, but nobody was perfect. The other one had two legs, that's probably worth noting.

Neither of us spoke, but there was a lot of staring involved. The little one looked a bit freaked out, but not the other one. She was a creepy thing, a demented-looking grin plastered over her face. She looked pretty bad in general, with her hair an awful mess and her purple fur looking a bit dirty. Little guy must have agreed, since he looked at her as often as me.

Then, just when I was about to take charge, she spoke. "I am Twilight Sparkle," she said, then she pointed at the little thing. "This is Spike."

"Hello," I said, standing casually. I'd play it cool, they probably even thought I knew how I got here. They might have been wise to the game, since Twilight giggled.

"Anyway, you're probably wondering why you're here," Twilight said. She gave me a look at this, a strange one. She may be planning to eat me.

"...Maybe I am," I said, folding my arms. I think I had 'playing it cool' down. Twilight certainly didn't call out my bullshit, so that must be something. Spike didn't seem to be going for it. But he had stopped staring at me, redirecting his attention to Twilight. I probably freaked him out. Good, he should fear me, I'm manly and intimidating.

I looked away from Spike, though. He clearly wasn't running the show. Did Twilight move a bit closer to me? I think she did, better not take my eyes off of her. I took a small step back, as discreetly as I could manage. But I could see it in Twilight's face, she knew. Spike must've known too, since he was now shaking his head pretty frantically. I guess that's a common expression for things with heads.

"I know you're frightened, but I called you here for a very special reason," Twilight said, she sounded pretty angry. She looked it too, twitching a little bit as she spoke. "Intercourse."

"What?"

Twilight went red. "I summoned you here for... sex," she said. Well, at least she seemed embarrassed about it. The anger was gone too, but I guess it wasn't anger, as disturbing as that was. Twilight seemed to have gone to a lot of effort for all of this, which did raise a good question.

"Okay..." I said. She looked like she could overpower Spike. The dragon didn't seem particularly strong, so I don' see why she had to go so far afield for this. "And why did you do that?

"Well, there aren't many stallions around, and other races won't..." Twilight said. She was making circles with her hoof now. She seemed quite shy, compared to her first outburst. It would have been cute, but she already burnt that bridge.

Twilight gets rejected by everyone apparently, even other races. Also, there were other races and, judging from Spike, race is just politically correct for species. That explains why Spike is different, although they still might all be purple. But they might not be. Things are really looking up now!

Except for the sex-crazed unicorn. I'm still leery about that. Hang on, unicorns look like horses. Well, that explains why Twilight gets rejected by other species. She can add another to that list.

"I'll have to pass," I said. It didn't seem to bother Twilight though, since she started to walk toward me.

"You're not allowed to say that," she said, with lust, or anger. It might have been both. Her horn started glowing and I knew it was time to say my goodbyes. So, with a quick movement, I rushed around to her side and knocked her to the ground. She didn't seem to have very good balance, so it wasn't a hard thing to do. Then I was off, rushing to the stairs. Spike was kind enough to jump out of the way, so my descent went unhindered.

The most immediate thing I found was that Twilight had a lot of books. Shelves upon shelves of them. A bit disturbing if they were all hers, even if she was a collector. But Twilight seemed to be a pretty disturbed unicorn.

I saw the way out. A door made out of wood, everything seemed to be made out of wood. It was off-putting, to say the least. But I kept on going right through that door. It wasn't locked or anything, because that would be silly. Twilight didn't seem particularly prepared about this. I feel a little bit insulted, she could have at least locked the door. No sense in sulking over it. Her loss is my gain, and all that. I was free!

It only took a second of getting out before I realized something important. I wasn't going to be the regular kind of sex slave that you locked in the basement. No, I was an alien. It was fairly clear all these bastards realized it too. They had a little town, looked like there was a good few of them living here. They were everywhere, and apparently some of them could fly. They were a colorful bunch as well. Really put my fears of not being purple to rest.

It seemed I was the center of attention here. They didn't move toward me or anything, and I returned the favor with enthusiasm. Twilight was right about one thing, there really weren't many stallions. I think. One red guy looked pretty damn big, I suppose he's the male... or a freak of nature. He was pretty damn big, I don't see how it could have worked out.

I figured it was time to be on my way. Twilight could show up, and this wasn't really going anywhere. So, I chose a completely arbitrary direction and just started walking. The ponies just stared, and that suited me fine. I even got pretty far out. By the time I got to their outskirts of their town, nature started to get pretty wild. There was even a forest. They seemed to have not raping the environment down pretty well. Twilight's house was a tree too, it definitely had the shape of one. It was hollowed out and probably dead, but definitely points for effort.

I heard a crunch. I was being followed. Twilight had found me, probably hell bent on changing the meaning of 'no.' I whirled around, ready for whatever she could throw at me. Well, she couldn't throw things, probably why she had Spike. But I was ready for whatever Spike might throw at me.

I got all psyched for nothing, since it wasn't Twilight. No, instead it was a green one. She looked pretty cautious about approaching, and had almost completely stopped when I turned to face her. She was a unicorn too, for all that was worth. She might try to stab me, that would suck. But her horn didn't look very sharp. More like a stub than anything else. I could take her. Twilight's did glow, that was pretty ominous.

"H-hello," she said, "My name is L-Lyra," she said. It was a bit cute, how she stuttered. Certainly doing better than Twilight. I doubt that will last long.

"Hello, Lyra," I said. I think it was pretty friendly, but she didn't answer. it looked like she'd drifted off. She just stared straight at me. Considering she wasn't very tall, it seemed like I had found myself another Twilight. After a minute or two of that, I decided to end her ogling session.

As I moved my hand, I noticed that Lyra's gaze followed that. I also noticed she was drooling, so it wasn't all good news. I moved my hand around a little bit. Yep, she was definitely looking at that. I'm not going to poke her, that's what she wants.

"Are you staring at my hands?" I said. It got her attention, and she tore herself away from it to look at my face.

"Em... yes," she said. She didn't seem too bothered about it. Ponies must have a thing for being blunt.

"Is it for intercourse?" I could be blunt too. Maybe that was the way to treat these ponies. Hopefully, they'd respect that.

"What? No!" Lyra said. She looked disgusted by that. It was definitely disgust. I was absolutely certain about it. Turns out ponies don't have a thing for bluntness, Twilight must be a weird one.

"Oh, right then. Well, that's good," I might have screwed up a little. Or she was lying, I bet she was. All the ponies should want some of this. I flexed some of my fingers and Lyra went right back to staring. I chuckled, I knew she couldn't resist me.

Wait, that's a bad thing. I better stop. "So, Lyra. What's up?" I really need something to talk about. I don't know how long I can keep this small-talk going.

"You're here, with your hands," Lyra might have been having some issues with small-talk as well. I felt a little better about that. I think I'll keep conversation away from my hands for now though.

"So, that town, I bet it had a name. Care to share it?"

"Ponyville." Lyra didn't even look up. Still, she wasn't drooling as much. That's always a plus.

"Okay, that's hilarious. What about the forest?" Well, my brief burst of small-talk was gone. Talking about the forest, I was losing my edge. I doubt it even had a name. It made her look up, at least. She even shivered! Wow, that forest was just a goldmine of emotion.

"The Everfree Forest. We don't go there," she said. She looked pretty afraid now. I felt a bit bad about bringing it up. I could pet her, that might make her feel better. Screw it, can't hurt.

So that's what I did, just put my hand out there toward her. She watched it fairly obsessively the whole time. Soon enough, it was on her head, and then I just stroked. Lyra didn't seem to mind it.

She actually looked happy, and then she started purring, or something like it. Well, that ruined the moment. For me, anyway. Lyra still seemed to be enjoying it.

Well, this continued for quite a while, much longer than I would have liked. Lyra was getting real into it now, pressing up against me and hopping about a little bit. Taking that subtle hint, I knew it was time to stop. I was pretty slow about it, no sudden movements or anything. She did not take well to that, not at all.

"Why'd you stop? That was... fun," Lyra said. She was panting now, so I don't think I wanted in on that kind of fun. I could've just stayed with Twilight for that. Well, better move on to my more long term goals.

"So, Lyra. Where's a good place to go if you just showed up here?" I said. I definitely needed a plan here, she may have figured out how unprepared I was. Although, she still looked fairly cross-eyed, I might be in the clear.

"You could come back to Ponyville, and stay with me," she said. Lyra was looking at me dreamily now. Not a chance that I'm going for that offer. She didn't seem to bothered about me being an alien though. Why did I even run from the ponies? Aside from Twilight, they hadn't really done anything. Lyra wasn't really selling me on them, but that was only two bad ones.

"Thanks for the offer, but I'm gonna pass. Got a whole world to see, and all that," I said. Ponies might be alright, but avoiding Twilight seemed to be a good idea. It was time for me to move on, before Twilight figured out where I went. Still, I knew to avoid the evil forest and Ponyville, those other races Twilight mentioned might be a good bet. I knew where to go, so it was time to say my goodbyes to Lyra. Hopefully, she won't just follow me.

"It's been fun, Lyra. But it's getting pretty late, it's time to get going," I said. I started moving, she followed. I turned around, doing my best to intimidate her. "No, Lyra. You can't come with me."

Shit, now she was pouting, probably. Her ears had flattened against her head and she was looking up at me with big-ass eyes. So it was probably pouting. Ponies looked weird.

"But... I wanna come," Lyra pleaded. That was pretty whiny, but I was still caving. I said no to Twilight, and I could say no to her. But dammit, it was hard. I tried looking away, but it was hard than I expected to avoid looking at her. And then I felt guilty. She was a pretty shady thing, but I still felt guilty about it.

I was going to answer, but I got to avoid that terrible confrontation. Because Twilight showed up out of nowhere, in a purple ball of fiery death. Apparently, she could do that. She probably should have done that earlier, but who am I to judge. Maybe it wasn't charged. Late or not, it still managed to freak me out, not that I let it show or anything.

Twilight looked even worse than before, even dirtier than when I first saw her. Probably stressed because I was busy running around, that seemed like it wasn't something she wanted.

"Get away from him, Lyra! That's a dangerous... demon," Twilight shouted, her horn sparking at me. It seemed like she could shoot lightning at me, was she going to do that earlier? That sucked. Although, if she could do it, I bet Lyra could. I pet her, she owed me. Lyra wouldn't really go for that demon bullshit, would she?

I should focus more on them, since they were already facing off. Lyra had jumped in front of me and her horn was sparking too. It would have ended pretty badly otherwise.

"Twilight, you're not thinking straight!" Lyra yelled. She was probably right, Twilight did seem a bit crazy, not that Lyra seemed much better.

"He's corrupted you, he needs to be removed!" Twilight said quite calmly. Shit, that did not sound good. Lyra was definitely the better bet now.

There little stand-off heated up. Now, they were firing beams of color at each other. It wasn't lightning, but it didn't seem friendly. Twilight had a purple color and Lyra was firing off a green one. It was fairly interesting, I took a few moments to appreciate it.

Where the beams met was quite a show, hitting off each other, and occasionally flashing different colors. Sparks, too, enough to start a fire if they kept it up. Of course, if Lyra won she could probably catch me with her freaky magic and I'd be stuck anyway. It was lucky she didn't figure that out earlier. With that in mind, I slipped away.

The town still seemed a bad idea, and the evil forest was probably an evil forest. So, I chose one of the other two directions and sprinted off. Lyra and Twilight were busy fighting, so I managed to disappear without them noticing. I wished Lyra luck against Twilight, but I was striking out without her.

Chapter 2

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 3

Sometimes, I wondered if I really had the balls to go through with heinous actions to save my own skin. I had also wondered when I would end up in a situation that would actually involve heinous actions. Turns out that my moral crossroads would come in a large underground cavern surrounded by talking dogs who expected me to kill a talking pony. That's pretty awesome, when I think about it.

Of course, that didn't save me from the situation in general. I suppose I could try a daring last stand where I heroically fight off the dogs until they eventually overwhelm me, but I didn't feel like dying. Fluttershy didn't seem to have a plan, she was just standing around and not being helpful.

She didn't seem too scared either. I'm glad Fluttershy had made peace with her gods, because I hadn't. I still needed more time to deal with matters of the spirit. The dogs seemed fairly cool with that. They just silently watched on as I stood there doing absolutely nothing. I moved a bit closer to Fluttershy. She moved closer too, pushing into me. I suppose she noticed I moved near her. She may also have been afraid, if the huddling is anything to go off of.

The dogs weren't a bad bunch, really. Sure, they seemed a little crazy with the whole 'giant chamber with an altar of sacrifice' thing they had going on, but that's a minor thing. Twilight seemed fairly crazy, and Fluttershy was fairly bad too. She wasn't as bad as Twilight, but still a bit nutty. I bet ponies had a giant altar of sacrifice too. Clearly, dogs are the lesser of two evils.

Great, now Fluttershy was looking up at me. That's not cool, not cool at all. She was crying too, maybe she was scared. Damn Fluttershy, you should face your death with some dignity. At least this would seal the deal with the dogs. They still seemed like an alright bunch. They gave me free stuff, that's always a good sign. They also expected me to use said free stuff to kill a pony, but I like to be optimistic.

I looked over to the dog priest dude, he was still being about as happy as ever. A big grin on his face as he waited for me to do my work. They were all quite patient, I'll say that much. I wonder if they do this often, killing ponies at their sacrificial altar. I'd feel a bit cheapened if they did, but the crowd suggested otherwise. Of course, they also called this the chamber of war, so they might be a pretty bloodthirsty bunch and get crowds all the time.

Well, I got nothing left. I stuck my face a bit closer to Fluttershy. She stiffened up and tried to bury her face into mine. That's about as awkward as it sounds, except she was also trying to be subtle about it and didn't bother turning her head around. So, I basically got a face full of pony hair.

"Got any ideas?" I whispered. I really hoped she did. I had an idea, but that didn't end very well for her. And it would be messy, I'd absolutely do it if I have to, but I wanted to give her a shot at survival. I might be stone cold and completely able to kill her, but I could give her one shot at this.

"D-do you?" Fluttershy stammered out. I had a great plan, but I don't think that's what she wanted to hear. That sucked, I guess it's time to do what the dogs said. Goodbye Fluttershy, I didn't really like you.

No point in rushing though, I'll just slowly move into a slightly better position. I raised my shiny sword a little bit higher, angling it so I could get a good look at it. It looked absolutely fine, all sharp and stuff. I could definitely work with that, eventually, once I inspected it a bit closer.

A tingling sensation started in my fingers. That's definitely a sign, there was definitely something wrong with this sword. I should ask for a new one, I doubt the dogs would mind. I had absolutely no problem with anything else, but I definitely shouldn't use a bad sword to do it. The dogs would understand, they understood the importance of an odd feeling.

I backed away from Fluttershy. "This sword here seems... bad. I'm not sure if I should use it," I said, holding the sword out to him. He didn't go for it though. Instead, he growled. That's unfriendly, I thought we were cool.

"No, sword is your sword. Now use it," he said. The dog stopped growling and pointed to Fluttershy, who hadn't take the opportunity to try and flee or anything like that. How helpful of her, I'm glad she was making this so easy for us. It would have been so awkward if she ran, she could've fallen and plummeted to her death, or something. That would have been unfortunate.

But since she didn't do any of those things, I was able to approach her once again. Of course, now everything seemed to be in order and I had no reason to delay. Not like I wanted to wait any longer, I had absolutely no problem with this. That tingle hadn't gone away though. It'd gotten worse, way worse. My arm kinda hurt now.

"My arm feels off, can we take a break?" I said. The dog growled and pointed to Fluttershy again. I think it was poor form, really. Breaks were important, I could stretch a muscle or something. Nothing to be done about that then. I moved toward Fluttershy again, she still wasn't doing anything unreasonable like running away or anything. That's good, it makes this thing I have no problem doing so much easier.

After crossing the exceptionally short distance, I found myself next to Fluttershy again. She'd pretty much decided to roll over and die, I guess. Although she hadn't actually rolled over, which is good. If she did, one of the dogs might get jumpy and end up stealing my fun. That would just be awful.

Next, I had to line up my pretty-looking sword to chop off her head, or something. It wasn't a very fast thing to do, but the dogs were still proving to be excellent at waiting. Even the priest fellow was obliging, about time he started treating me well. I still felt like shit though, I really should take a break and try this again later.

"How about we stop here and try again tomorrow?"

"No," the dog grunted out, his few bits of fancy armor jingling as he once again pointed to Fluttershy. He must've liked pointing, because it seemed to be his way to tell me things. He was kind of an ass.

"We definitely should, trust me on this," I said. The dog growled again, he wasn't a very obliging guy. After a few seconds of that, I felt the need to say a bit more. "It'll be much more fun later."

He must have thought that was a great idea, since he stopped growling. I'm glad my superior speech skills were able to win him over. Nothing to do now but get to know my new dog brethren. We can get back to this thing some other time. Unless Fluttershy does something crazy, like run away. But she doesn't seem to want to try that, for some reason.

The dog hadn't bothered to move much, he was staring at me. It was freaking me out a bit. I know I was the main event here, but this stare was a strange one. His eyes were wide and he looked surprised. Of course, that might just have been more anger, dogs were as weird as ponies.

Or maybe it was my shocking and superior form finally dawning on him. I didn't hunch up and with my general lack of fur, I looked a lot better than these guys. Just to be sure, I inspected myself.

It makes sense that he was staring now, as I seemed to be glowing purple. I knew I was feeling a bit off, that dog should have listened to me. But he didn't, and now I was purple. It's his fault this happened, if he listened to me I might not have turned purple. I should probably ask if they knew why I was purple, I don't normally do that.

"Holy shit! I'm purple! Dog, fix it!" I shouted. I was purple, why the hell was I purple? Holy fuck, I might die. This is all Fluttershy's fault. She's the reason the damn dogs wanted me to kill her. The dog wasn't helping, despite my clear instructions. Instead, the useless bastard was staring stupidly at me.

It didn't help either of us when I got tackled. Falling to the floor, I got a good look at my attacker and found Fluttershy glued to my back. It seems she was going to take the chance to kill me just because I accidentally enslaved her. What a bitch. I didn't kill her, but apparently small things like that aren't worth shit to ponies.

I tried to roll, but crushing Fluttershy below me was far harder than expected. Looks like I had to go for something else. Bringing my free hand around, I grabbed one of her wings and gave it a few tugs. She gasped and her death grasp loosened ever so slightly. I found her weakness now, and kept on tugging. Her moans of pain only grew louder as I worked my way free of her grip.

"What are you doing?" said a familiar voice. It was enough to stop me pulling on Fluttershy, and I looked up to see Twilight again. Also, I seemed to be back in her bedroom. Also, it was pretty bright and now my eyes hurt. Twilight seemed as messed up as always. She also seemed a bit surprised, not that I can blame her.

Fluttershy finally let go of me and I managed to stand upright. Much like myself, Fluttershy was squinting. It was quite an unsettling sight on something with such big eyes. Her wings were sticking up, and she was panting heavily. Overall, she looked pretty messed up. Hopefully, she won't be dwell on that whole almost killing her thing. I doubt I looked that good either, but at least I still had this stupid sword.

"What Fluttershy and I do is none of your concern," I said. Sure, I had a sword and was trying to kill her. But I think it's pretty believable.

"Fluttershy, why was he doing that to you?" Twilight said, completely ignoring me and focusing her attention on Fluttershy. Twilight sucked, I was there, I could talk about it too. I was gonna lie and stuff, but she didn't know that.

I wonder what happened to Lyra. Twilight still looked as shit as she did before, but Lyra didn't have anything to do with that. I suppose she was dead. Twilight seemed like the kind that didn't leave any loose ends. How unfortunate for Fluttershy that Twilight was the local serial killer.

"It was lucky you helped us, Twilight. Those dogs were... nasty," Fluttershy finished. I should have probably listened. Nothing to be done about that now. I owed Twilight for saving me but she tried to kill me earlier, so I guess we were even on that count. Although, if Twilight could just bring me to her like that, it probably would have been something she could do earlier. That's another thing Twilight should have done but didn't. Silly Twilight.

"Yes... lucky. But about our friend here," Twilight said. She giggled and winked at me. I don't really think we had a big secret to share, but apparently she thought otherwise. Fluttershy didn't seem too bothered by Twilight changing the subject away from her near death experience, but I guess being some sort of weird hermit made you a bit slow on these things.

"You know about him, Twilight? I found him today, he's my new pet," Fluttershy said. I was right here, but apparently that doesn't matter and it's totally fine to call me her pet. I miss the dogs, those guys were way nicer. They only made slaves out of ponies. I can't really blame them for it, ponies were assholes.

"I need to borrow him, there's stuff I need to do with him," Twilight said. That didn't sound too good, I should probably leave before this gets strange.

"How long do you need him?" Fluttershy said. She really has no fortitude, she only got me like an hour ago. But apparently, I wasn't enough to hold her interest. I was amazing, I should at least be interesting for a few hours.

"Only a day or so, Fluttershy. It'll be like he was never even gone," Twilight said. I'm fairly sure she actually planned to kill me, so I don't know how she was going to pull that off.

"Okay, Twilight, you can have him, I'm gonna go, then," Fluttershy said, nodding. Without saying goodbye to me, she turned and walked out. It's like she didn't even care about me. Ponies are heartless creatures. Who the hell does that to their pets? Now it was just me and Twilight, and she didn't look very happy.

"What's with you? Why is Fluttershy good enough, but not me?" Twilight shouted. I forgot that I was going to try leaving, I really should have done that. Luckily, I still had this amazing sword. It was about time I used it, too. Rushing toward her, I found my progress instantly impeded by my inability to move my legs. Looking back to Twilight, I could see her horn was glowing. I think I get the connection now.

"I dislike you!" I shouted, throwing my fancy sword at her. It hit her head and she went down, flopping onto the ground. Once again, I found I could move. That's just fantastic. Now I'm back pretty much where I started, but with a nice sword to add to my collection of swords. I should get going now, onto the wonderful world of strange ponies and stuff. I bet the dogs would probably take me back.

Unfortunately, my plans were ended when I heard a thunderous blast come the ground level of this place. Heading down Twilight's stairs, I found myself face to face with a big white pony. This one had wings and a horn, I guess she won the genetic lottery. Although she suffered from gigantism, so I guess it wasn't all good for her. She was really damn big, probably would have towered over Twilight. Also, she had a crown and stuff. Apparently, their royal family was pretty big into inbreeding.

"Do not be afraid. I am Celestia, and you must come with me," Celestia said. That was pretty patronizing. But I probably couldn't get away if she used those giant legs of hers to chase me down. She could also fly and use magic, that's just unfair. From behind Celestia, some new ponies appeared. These ones looked the same as the ponies that were fighting the dogs. They must have been soldiers, since they followed their malformed leader around.

"Sounds good. Where are we going, then?" I said. Celestia smiled and twitched her head in some weird manner that must have been from the inbreeding before she answered.

"Canterlot."

Chapter 4

Turns out Canterlot was that giant tower or whatever that was grotesquely stuck on the side of a mountain. It was also the place I had decided to not go to because it was probably filled with ponies. It's not as bad as it sounds, since I was already captured and basically a prisoner anyway. It's not like I was breaking any promises to myself or anything.

Canterlot was a fairly big place, considering it was built on the side of a mountain. Really, what I saw from a distance didn't do it justice at all. It wasn't just some evil spire on the side of a mountain, it was a city with lots of evil spires. Also, it was full of ponies and probably their capital. Not really unexpected since Celestia was fairly quick to rush us here after she grabbed me. Getting here was pretty fun, I got to ride on a chariot with Celestia. I doubt she could actually fly, incest is nasty like that.

Once we arrived, I was ushered off into their throne room. I was able to figure out it was a throne room because it had a throne in it. People don't often notice the little hints like that. Up until now, Celestia had been rather silent and conversation had been limited to the topic of 'nothing.' Ponies scare me, I blame them for my silence. But now that we arrived at Celestia's seat of power, she seemed willing enough to speak. The first thing she did was tell the few guards that were here to clear off, leaving Celestia and I alone.

"Human, I apologize for your rather turbulent arrival. My student was quite... distracted at the time," Celestia said. That's just great, really looks like my life is going up from here on out. It's a shame, really. If it stayed hectic I could have written a wonderful autobiography of my life, I could have called it 'slave of the horse-people.' Not living such a shitty life is probably a good replacement though.

"Luna liked to pretend this would not happen, but I knew it was it was only a question of when. And what did we have, if not time?" Celestia rambled, not really focusing on me as she spoke. Chalk another one up to why messing around with your cousin is a bad idea. Considering Twilight didn't have much trouble bringing me here, Luna seems a bit slow for not seeing it coming. Or maybe it was really hard and I had no chance of going back. I'm devastated.

"But now you are here, and not with one of the others. So, what do you need?" Celestia asked, coming out of her monologue to once more focus on me. I suppose I could ask for anything, it's just unlucky I was coming up with nothing. The last thing I ate was a carrot covered in Fluttershy, so that seems like a decent place to start.

"You got any food?" I said. In a world full of magic talking animals, I don't think I could have done much better.

Celestia paused, scrunching her brow as she pondered my apparently very difficult request. I know it wasn't a very good question, but I wouldn't expect it to be so bad that she had to think about it. What else could I have asked for? Eventually, she figured it out and a big, overly enthusiastic smile appeared on her face.

"I suppose you shall have to eat, after all. I shall have food brought to you. But for now, you should get accustomed to your new home. Come, we have much to discuss," Celestia began to walk, heading right by me and toward the over-sized doors that were used as the entrance. They were pretty damn fancy as far as doors went, full of spirals and other such arbitrary decorations. I managed to get a good look at their splendor as I went through them.

The ponies here seemed a bit freaked out, most giving me a wide berth as Celestia and I walked past. I can't have looked much more out of place than Celestia did and she was able to stand tall despite her clear deformities. I suppose standing short wasn't really an option for her anyway.

"My subjects don't recall that anything like you exists, do not be discouraged by their surprise. They will accept you eventually," Celestia said. That's reassuring, it almost sounds like I won't be locked away in the tallest tower for the rest of my life. Anyway, the ponies accepted their gargantuan ruler, so I'm not really that much of a stretch. Since I had connections, I should get a free pass by association.

"That's good," I really didn't care, ponies were an annoying bunch. Even if they hated me, the feeling was fairly mutual. Also, I think Twilight murdered Lyra. But apparently, nobody wants to talk about that.

Celestia didn't say anything else. We walked on in silence through the apparently very numerous and sprawling corridors of the castle. On the bright side, they were all fairly decorated and I always had something to look at. Eventually, we stopped outside what I'm going to assume is my quarters. I'm not sure if it was in the tallest tower, because I was completely lost. This place is confusing.

Celestia opened the door, and off we went. She was able to use her freaky magic powers to do that, much better than using her mouth. The room was fairly spacious, basically what would be expected from a palace. The room had all the amnesties I would expect, even the ones that would be just a bit odd for a pony. It was pretty nice, I could almost see a golden sheen coming from the furniture.

"Well, this is nice," I said. I'm sure I'd get tired of it eventually, but that day was not today. It would probably be tomorrow.

"...Wonderful. I shall have food brought to you immediately. Is there anything else you need?" Celestia must have been happy I was happy, because she still had a big grin on her face. Oh, looks like she also had a teensy bit of a twitch. Such is the consequence of attempting to keep the bloodline pure. Celestia turned, but didn't get very far before she turned back. Happily enough, she lost the creepy facial contortions. Although, that made her look kinda sad.

"Anything else. You need simply ask," Celestia said, flicking her tail. I suppose she was trying to look at me erotically now... it wasn't working out so well. They had big eyes, but that doesn't mean they were very nice to see when they were trying to give me a sultry look. Her freaky flowing hair looked pretty good though, I was almost tempted. But horses are disgusting, nothing was going to change that.

"Nope, I'm good. I appreciate the offer though," I said, giving her a smile of my own. Just to make it clear that it wasn't because she was disgusting, it was because of her species in general. She might have just taken it as reassurance though, I don't know. Either way, she sighed in clear disappointment.

"I... thank you," Celestia said. Turning around and quickly leaving, she didn't even bother to say goodbye. She must have taken it as a reassurance, since she didn't instantly break down in tears at my rejection. But she didn't need to thank me, that just seemed overly polite. I guess I'm just an idol to these ponies. They can't get enough of me, even if none of them seem to care that I don't want them.

With Celestia gone, my only source of entertainment was gone too. I could stay around, but that would be boring. She left the door open, so leaving probably won't be that hard to do. It was pretty poor prisoner management on Celestia's part. It also sounded like Celestia was going to come back eventually. She did say she was going to bring food, I could use some of that. Also, it was pretty likely she wouldn't be carrying it in her mouth. That's makes it infinitely better.

Canterlot was on top of a mountain, climbing down won't be very fun. I suppose I have to try anyway. The ponies probably had a road, even if most of them could fly or magically appear wherever they wish. With that motivating thought in mind, I began my daring escape plan.

Getting through the door was easy, but after that it got a bit more difficult. The main problem being that I had no idea where to go.I stealthily looked around and found no ponies were nearby, seems the guards to my prison hadn't arrived yet. I began to walk, heading back in the direction I was fairly sure I arrived from.

The castle looked pretty much the same as it had before. A fancy tapestry here, a painting there. It was all very exciting stuff, albeit incredibly monotonous and boring. I didn't come across any guards though, my escape must have escaped detection. I'm sure they'd figure it out eventually. At least that would be exciting, these corridors were about as nondescript as they can get. They just bled into each other. They did occasionally branch into two, in which case I always went right.

Eventually, aimless wandering because just a bit irritating. It wasn't working out too well, I needed a new plan. I only really had one option beyond wandering through corridors, and went through a nearby door. Luckily enough, this one wasn't locked either. And where did that leave me, but in a room.

It looked a lot like the room I started from. I could have easily confused it for my own. Actually, I was fairly sure this was where I started from until I saw something different: a sleeping pony. Covered up and covered in fur, the thing must have been burning underneath the combined heat. I'm not sure why a pony would want to sleep covered in blankets and stuff, but I also don't really care.

Now, I could go leave again and resume my mindless wanderings. But I was in here because that wasn't working out, so it looks like I'm going to be waking a pony. I moved up to the bed, taking a long and informative look at my new friend. She was a big one, almost the size of Celestia. She also had the wings to go with her horn. By this logic, they must be related. But Celestia was white, this pony was either black or a very dark blue. I'm not sure how it works, but maybe different color fur is normal here. Regardless, I don't plan on letting a little thing like being related to Celestia stop me. I don't do things in half measures like that.

I gave her a light slap, just enough to gently wake her up. It worked, she gasped and her eyes shot open. Then I got treated to the delightful sight of her getting tangled up in a sheet. Being a horse, she didn't do too well in getting out of it. It was funny as hell, for a while. After that while was up, it just got sad. Apparently, it didn't occur to her to use that fancy horn. I took pity on her, pulling the sheet away from her flailing body. It wasn't that hard once she figured out what I was doing and stopped flailing.

"What are you doing in here!" she shouted, loudly enough for me to hope that she doesn't shout again. It didn't help that I was right next to her. I thought we got past the shouting phase when I helped her be less pathetic. Her sister was friendlier, she should be more like her.

"Nothing, just came to visit," I bet that'll confuse her. Really, she should've just chalked it up as an alien abduction.

"My sister said you would," she said, this time she used her inside voice. She sagged, looking all sullen and generally upset. Pony eyes express sadness very well. "But I had hoped otherwise."

Apparently, she's the only pony that didn't want me to show up in the middle of the night. Although it's not night at the moment, I don't think that was the important part. Hopefully, she'll lead me out of this place anyway. I just need to bring it up subtly.

"Tough. Now, we should go outside," I said. It may not have been the best way to go about it. It came out just a little too strongly, I can still pull off a recovery. "We can walk together."

I'd believe that. Giving a pony the chance to go on a romantic walk with me was a surefire way for success. They'd all go for that, even if this one was weird. She was probably just a bit slow. I suppose she also had a name, now seems as good a time as any to find out. "You got a name?"

"I am Princess Luna," she said. That's just great, she was definitely related to Celestia. Not really that much of a stretch, but I still feel good for guessing that.

"Swell, then let's be off," I said. I turned around, heading out into the hall. After a few moments, Luna emerged from her room. That's good, it would have been awkward otherwise. It seems she took a few moments to grab a little crown, along with a peytral that had a picture of a moon on it. How fancy.

For a moment, things were a bit dodgy. It seems Luna might have expected me to know the way, since she simply looked at me. After that lasted just a bit longer than I felt comfortable with, she burst out into a trot. I followed behind as best I could, but ponies go pretty damn fast. On the bright side, now I don't have to talk to her. She could easily have amazing interrogation skills and might figure out my daring escape plan.

Unfortunately, Luna noticed I wasn't going particularly fast and matched my, far slower, pace. How considerate of her. Of course, then she decided she wanted to talk to me. She was hesitant, eyes downcast as she quietly said. "I admit, I did not expect you would visit my chambers. Nor did I truly expect you to come at all."

I don't know why she disliked me. It was the strangest thing. There was definitely something wrong with her. At least she wasn't as big as Celestia. Luna would probably have some difficult if she decided she wanted to crush me. Although nothing was stopping her using that abominable magic, unless she couldn't. It certainly looked like she suffered from the same ailment as her sister. Luna was half the size, but they were probably just half-sisters. Yes, that would explain it.

"Your door was unlocked," I said. I'm not sure what the deal with that was, security was awful in this place. I suppose they were just lucky it was laid out like a labyrinth. Are unlocked doors normal here? That would be fairly strange.

"Of course, my sister heavily encourages a trust-based society. Even though there are somewho would take advantage," Luna grunted, snorting. It might be a fairly strange way to do things, but it probably works out fine in practice. Good for them.

"You disagree?" I said. It seems like a fairly good system to me, especially if it works out. Their inability to lock doors had been pretty helpful to me so far, they should keep it like that.

"Its failings should be clear," she said, glaring at me. An open-door policy was great, it's not like anyone came in during the night and raped her. Plus, if they had locked doors we would never have met. She was lucky to have a chance to get to know me, even if she was a bit more reticent than other ponies.

She didn't bother to say anything after that. Apparently, we were just going to have to agree to disagree on the benefits of Celestia's eccentric despotism. It's a bit odd that she had that much power over everyone, but if Luna didn't like it she could just try a coup. That's practically what the younger heir to the throne is made for. That she hadn't already been executed for trying was unacceptable. Maybe the right moment just never came around, but it's still shocking that she waited so long. Although their ages elude me, so it might not have actually been that long since Celestia started her dark reign. But I am fairly sure Celestia's 'student' killed someone, it seems like the right time to me.

It seems I was right in giving up my blind luck tactic for getting out of the castle. Luna and I have been walking for quite a while now, and we still weren't free of the castles confines. There wasn't much chance I could have made the journey unaided. Even if it had taken a long time, It couldn't take much longer now. Then, I could make good my escape. Luna's silence made time drag on a bit. At least when she spoke it seemed like I hadn't been wandering so long.

"So, what's being a pony like?" I said. I bet having four legs is strange, probably involves a lot of not having arms. And since some of them are a bit more disadvantaged than others, they probably have all sorts of diseases from the lack of oral hygiene.

"Really?" Luna said. She stared at me. Apparently, asking what being a pony is like is an awkward question. She's been doing it her whole life, she should know how it is. Stupid pony.

"How often do you use your mouth?" I said. The idea that they carried everything in their mouths was disgusting. It would be great if it turned out that they actually had a decent way of carrying stuff. I know Luna had magic, but dd that exclude her from the same habits as the unwashed masses? It was also pretty likely the inbreeding make the horn cosmetic more than anything.

"That's... no, no. What?" Luna sputtered. Spittle flying everywhere, Luna looked ready to fly into a rage or, at least, become slightly offended. "Never mind, we are in the gardens now."

Apparently, ponies considered their mouths disgusting too. Although making the whole thing a taboo was a bit strange. Not really the strangest I've seen, I suppose. But it's still pretty strange. Luna was right, though. We were in the gardens and her opinion on things was once again meaningless to me. This garden, for all it's decoration, was loaded with statues. Some of them were a bit strange looking, I'm not sure why they thought putting them on public display would be wise. Now, I just need to distract Luna long enough to get away before she uses her witchcraft.

"Many of the statues here are millennia old. Most ponies don't appreciate the history here," Luna walked forward, dragging a hoof across a statue. Hopefully, she'd spend enough time ogling them to let me escape. "Even if some are all too aware of it."

Luna giggled, because she was messed in the head from inbreeding and thought what she said was hilarious. It wasn't. It was, however, loud enough to attract another pony. From behind us, Celestia materialized out of seemingly nowhere. Her massive white form apparently doing nothing to disguise her ninja-like skills. It was only natural the one pony that would be attracted to her maniacal laughing would be Celestia. It certainly put a damper on my daring escape plan.

"So, Luna, have you had fun bonding?" Celestia said. Her words seemed to be enough to get Luna out of her creepy statue reverie. Luna jumped, gasping loudly. It was more of a shriek than a gasp, really.

"Sister! I... I did not see you approach," Luna said. She was panting heavily. It seems she was pretty deep into that daydream.

"Of course. How could you tear your eyes away from our guest? You have waited for him so eagerly, after all," Celestia said, winking at her sister. Luna blushed pretty heavily at that. Her fur somehow going from a kinda dark blue color to a light red.

I knew it! Luna was just as messed up as the rest of them. But at least she showed some restraint, instead of jumping me right away. She must have wanted to get to know me. I had to give her points for that. Overall, Luna was flying ahead in the favorite stalker award.

"But what of you? I had expected you to wait in your room, not go wandering about," Celestia said, she didn't sound very bothered by it. Probably because she managed to catch me. "You could have at least mentioned you were going."

Luna was right, Celestia was fairly into the whole trusting business. I suppose she could save money on dungeon security if her prisoners were nice enough to not leave. My next escape attempt will probably be just as easy, especially now that I sort of barely know how to get out of the castle. Alternatively, I could just accept my new life as some sort of glorified pet but that seemed unmanly.

"Sister, if you are quite finished, I have told Twilight to come to Canterlot," Celestia said. She grinned, an expression that was quickly mirrored by Luna. "The situation with our new friend must be explained before she does something drastic. I will leave how to explain it up to your discretion."

They shared a hearty laugh. I'm glad that Twilight will be getting a talking to. She's able to grab me up no matter where I am, so it'll be nice to have that looming threat done away with. But I'm really not sure why it was so funny. My well-being should not be a joke. They can't get any of this if I'm dead... Well, I don't think it would be as fun.

I suppose I should at least hang around until they get Twilight off my back. I'm certain that if I promise Celestia that I'll come back, she'll take my word for it. But until Twilight was taken care of, I could live the high life. I'm sure it'll be fun.

Chapter 5

I... did not plan that out. Oh, it all went very well for about ten minutes. After that, though, I got bored. Then I left. I would have hoped I'd at least warrant a guard or something, but nope. So slipping past the non existent security detail was easy enough, but then I came across a foe far more dangerous: a monotonously designed castle.

It didn't help that I had absolutely no destination in mind. Worst case scenario I just ended back where I started, not withstanding the ever present possibility that I'd be killed on the spot. But really, that was equally likely it'd happen even if I did nothing, so who cares about that?

But fuck, these halls. I wasn't even on the ground floor. No, that would be way too easy. Instead, I was indeterminate levels up at an indeterminate location with guesswork as my only ally. I got to see lots of pony suits of armor though. They all had protrusions for horns, so I guess the other kinds were just meant to form corpse barricades to protect the masters, or something.

The only thing I was glad about was that I had managed to go down a few levels. I might still be a hundred floors up, but I could take pride in knowing I wasn't a hundred and two up. It didn't help.

As I proceeded with my excellent plan of entering rooms at random, I came across a promising candidate for going somewhere interesting. Sequestered in a corner, was an old, gnarled door with a bust up lock. Armed with the surety that this could only go to a good place, I rushed for it.

It paid off, instead of leading me to another level, this one came out into a big old cave. Aside from the bonus of knowing I was probably about as low as you can go, it was also fairly pretty. Lots of nice, fancy giant crystals were stuck into the walls and it even had some convenient train tracks laid out. Convenient in the sense that I could follow them, not that they actually had any method at all for letting me travel faster. But ignoring the slight possibility that all they led to was dead end, I followed them. That lasted for a good minute until it abruptly stopped in favor of a rickety wooden bridge that might have just seen better days.

With precious few beams to support it, and no rails whatsoever to stop anyone falling to their death, it was pretty much a death trap. But I didn't get to where I was today by stopping to think or questioning anything at all, so on I went. Avoiding the tightrope act, I crouched low and began to slowly inch myself over.

Each slow little push further across reminded me that the pit I was crossing seemed to be nearly bottomless. But that wasn't going to stop me. Instead, I slowly dragged myself across the damp, soft, and pliable wood. As little parts of it came off as I brushed against it, I moved just a little bit faster. But then, I felt a sting.

"Ah! Fucking splinter!" Before I even knew it, my hand coiled reflexively away from it's perilous grip on the wooden path. A thin and sparkling glint of blood followed in its wake. My other hand shot out to help pull out whatever offending lump of wood had stuck itself into me.

Unfortunately, my shitty balance meant I might have just been a bit too fast to keep up with. Swaying from side to side, I struggled to keep myself steady. The pain in my hand didn't help things, either. But I managed to blindly grope down and get a better hold of my lifeline. But, I might have just been a bit too forceful.

With the sickening sound of waterlogged wood bending, a lump of my bridge came away. Then, the entire section in front of me simply fell away, flying into the abyss below. It probably wasn't a good sign that I didn't hear it hit the bottom of that abyss.

But I wasn't going to be in the dark about it for long. Frantically trying to push myself back, I could see the world ahead of me slowly dip downward. Before I'd managed to make any progress back, the bridge had snapped and I went plummeting down.

I still couldn't see the bottom though, so my death was going to be a rather sudden thing. Not that seeing it coming really would have been that much better. But such things happen, and I calmly accepted my death as the faint buzzing of my demise came to me.

...And then I hit the ground, which was expected but bad. But I wasn't dead, which was good! It still hurt like fuck though, I think I sprained something while plummeting. Looking up, I saw another pony was looking down at me.

"You've got quite the set of lungs, human. If you couldn't keep it up so long I might not have found you," the pony said. This one was way freakier looking than the others. It had green hair and was black. The only black pony I had seen, actually. Unless Luna counted. Even then, this was definitely the heard of darkness pony. "Did Celestia bring you here to destroy us?"

"Probably. Can you tell me how to get out of here? I'm not too sure about where I am now," I said. Black pony smiled at that, and her horn lit up. In a flash, we left the cave behind. Did it without asking too, but my opinion just doesn't seem to matter anymore.

At least she was nice enough to dump is in the same city. Although whether that actually helped me was a bit up in the air. Although we'd been put into something of a shaded alley, I could get a much better look at black pony now. On top of being black, she had screwy holes in her legs. The pain that adhering to such strange tribal rules was probably horrific.

But it was time to abandon this ship before she started shouting in clicks. Probably be killed if she got seen anyway, so I could always take my chances with the mob if it came to it. It was much more likely they'd hate something slightly different more than they hated me.

"..Thanks then. Bye!" I said. Then I went further away into the dark alcoves of the alley. Far from being a dead end, it seemed to go on further than I could see. It seemed safe enough.

The clip clip of hooves behind me answered my secret fear. Turning back, I saw a pony following me. Some might say the other was gone, and this one had popped up out of nowhere. But I'm more rational than that, and could see it was clearly the power of Satan that allowed blackie to wear its victim's skin, or some shit.

Fearing that faith myself, I walked just a little faster. She, naturally, figured matching my pace would be great. As her foul green eyes glinted maliciously in the dark behind me, I prepared myself to burst into a run.

Then she teleported in front of me... because she could do that.

"Leave me alone, Buffalo!" I shouted. She blinked at me, before moving much more closely than I would have wanted her to. I could see massive fangs protruding from her mouth, no doubt used to tear into the flesh of her victims as she skinned them alive.

"My name is Chrysalis..." she said, her voice matching her foul and unnatural form. "I would have thought the harbinger would be more... refined, than you."

I didn't answer that, choosing instead to inch around her and toward what was probably freedom. She didn't really seem to be all there, so she just had a kind of blank stare while I slowly moved away. As I tiptoed to salvation, she figured out my game and used her devil powers to apparate in front of me again.

But her horn kept glowing, and then I found out why. Crashing to the ground, pain like no other went through my bones. I writhed in agony for what felt like years, before it ended. Then Chrysalis stuck her head down, and nuzzled me as she licked at my face, softening it up for removal. "You're exquisite."

Ah, she'd moved on to the standard package mixed with a bit of sadism for good measure. I have to admit, I was tempted for a second; she did have holes in her legs, after all. She didn't wait for my internal debate though, Chrysalis already had her hooves clawing at my pants. It was just luck that hooves were total shit at that.

Steeling myself, I began to gingerly inch her off me. Chrysalis didn't really resist as I rolled her off, which was great because she could have beaten me into the ground pretty easily. But she let a pitiful whining sound and tried to lean into my hand as she slid away. It would have been cute if she wasn't an oversized, kinda heavy changeling, and trying the whole rape thing.

"You just, ah, wait here. I'll be right back, eventually." I didn't really need to bother saying anything. Chrysalis was pretty out of it, just lying there in a big old goofy heap. But I guess that was her own business.

Turning away, I was greeted by some more of the black bastards. These ones were smaller, lacking useful things like hair and normal eyes. Assuming they were like ponies, Chrysalis was probably in charge. It would take tact to keep them from going nuts on me.

"I didn't do it," I flippantly said, already resuming my path past them and into what I suppose was the safety of whatever was ahead of me. It couldn't really get worse. Unless it was more of these guys, that would probably be worse.

As I passed, I heard them whisper to each other in rather accusing tones. It was like the poor bastards didn't often find their queen fucked up in an alley. Considering she brought me here, it could be a very common occurrence.

"Is she... full?" one whispered They didn't sound as evil as Chrysalis did. It was disappointing.

"It looks like we're done early. Ren, pick up the queen," one with silly horse armor said. Since he was giving orders I guess the armor let you be the leader. It didn't seem good for much else anyway, it didn't even cover half of him.

"Yes, sir," Ren said. She didn't have any armor, but did have hair. Lucky her. I couldn't see whether she had eyes like blue pits from here though, as I was standing behind her. I lied about leaving. It might have had something to do with there being a hell of a lot more of these guys around than I guessed. Turns out dark creatures and dark alleys blend together really well.

"She's pretty heavy. I don't think I can holder her much longer, sir!" Ren was visibly freaking out. In her defense she was pretty dedicated about holding her. I think that letting Chrysalis down gracefully would have been the lesser of two evils though. Of course, when she crashed into the ground the thump made it clear she was pretty heavy.

"You're meant to be a mage? Pathetic. This is what happens when conscription is brought in," the Commander said spitefully.

"I joined before that, Sir!" Ren chirped gleefully. She saluted with a little jump and her wings buzzed. The Commander didn't even look at her. It was all a bit sad. All in all, it was probably a shining example of why you don't give the nobility special privileges in the army. If it wasn't then I'll say it was because it was a great example even if it was a lie.

"Of course you did," he grumbled. Then his horn lit up in a shining and radiant aura. After about a second a rather strained look passed over him. Then he gasped out. "I could carry out queen to show you how inept you are. But It would be more appropriate for the rank and file to do it."

With a sweep of his head, a changeling came out of the crowd and came to stand near the queen. As his horn lit up, the commander slapped him. "No! More of you, forward. About five will do. Can't expect you to pack quite the same punch, after all."

My normal impulse would be to disbelieve him here. But since they all looked pretty different, maybe he was right. Either way, the peasants got the queen moving. A few more walked forward, and they went all shimmery before disappearing completely. I could hear buzzing, so I guess the easy route of teleportation was off the cards.

It only took a few seconds before they were all off. All except for Ren, who apparently got to do whatever the fuck she wanted. She was looking at me. It didn't take much of a leap for me to guess what she wanted.

"None of the others really noticed you, but I did," she said, approaching me slowly. Her wings buzzed apprehensively, and she sat a short distance away. "I've never seen anything like you. What are you?"

I could have answered her honestly, but I didn't really care. "No clue. So... I'm going to be going now."

"You don't know?" she seemed pretty puzzled by that, apparently giving it actual weight. Cocking her head, her eyes half closed as she hummed. Not an exceptionally clever girl. Once she snapped out of whatever existential crisis she thought I was having, she said something terrifying. "You want to leave? I can help!"

She did a little jump and giggled. Then her horn lit up in an all-encompassing glow of doom as she popped us both away in a flurry of light. Not a clever girl. Pretty enthusiastic though.

Chapter 6

"Die, changeling scum!" Twilight shouted, following up with what was surely a terrifying cry that was sure to terrify her cowardly foes. It didn't really work, of course, seeing as her foes were myself and that changeling from before. But they were still flinging magic at each other like it wasn't even a thing. I couldn't really do much, but the changeling had my full moral support. I think that counted for a lot.

I suppose it bears some mentioning that Twilight was back again. And to learn that story we have to flashback about a minute to just after I got forcefully teleportaled to the outskirts of the big old city. I suppose it was where I wanted to go, so I can't really complain on that front but it was also true that nobody seems to be bothered about asking what I want anymore.

Anyway, about five seconds after that happens, Twilight shows up and starts blasting death like it was going out of fashion. But it never goes out of fashion, because you kill the people who say it does. She may have yelled something about killing the monster before she did it. But it was clear, Twilight was stalking me. And since running is still not an option, things were not looking up for me.

Although the changeling was firing bolts back just as enthusiastically. Apparently Chrysalis was pretty heavy, because all of that failing was gone if how many pretty color beams you can make is any indication of how strong you are. That, or they were both really weak.

Anyway, between the green rays of probably death and the purple beams of probable destruction I was finding myself a bit lost. Both of them were jumping all over the place so just hunkering down and hoping for the best was pretty difficult. Aside from the occasional magic teleportation and the light show, it was pretty boring to watch too.

And then it got interesting as Twilight fired of a lump of purple that was way stronger than the others, and brutally cut through my only defender's defense. Crumpling into a heap on the ground, she cried out and curled into herself. Twilight, instead of doing something smart like killing her, decided to walk over. To gloat, I guess.

"I just knew a changeling would have something to do with such a dangerous creature! Now, tell me about your plan to invade Canterlot!" Twilight said, speaking down to her prone opponent. Twilight's total and utter lack of concern for anyone else was good, really. For me, anyway, since I was maybe just considering sneaking up behind her.

"Wait... where is it?!" Twilight jumped, and began to frantically look around. Since I had, in fact, been sneaking up behind her it got a bit awkward when she flipped around to see me staring at her.

She screamed. I let out a manly yell to startle her at the same time. Then her horn lit up, and I poked her in the eye.

Her big, utterly massive eye that took up the majority of her horse face.

She screamed again, but this time she collapsed too, with a single eye trying to look up at me while the other convulsed shut, or something. Naturally, I kicked her in the side a few times.

By the time I was done with that, the changeling mage got back up and looked at me with something akin to awe.

"Yo- you saved me," she murmured. She seemed to have managed to recover just fine. It was a pity she couldn't have done that earlier and just beat Twilight while she was interrogating her or whatever the fuck. But getting sidetracked was what Twilight did, and I wasn't falling for that.

"What about her?" I said, pointing at Twilight. Who was a little bit bloody at this point. Not from what I'd expect sadly, but from her eye. That thing was all sorts of fucked up. It was, like, oozing. I kinda wondered if I just introduced her to the fantastical world of eyepatches and eyepatch accessories.

"Oh, no. You can have the first go," she said. Then she scuffed the ground, quietly adding. "I'd... I'd like that more, even."

And with that I knew it was time to bail. Following the ancient tradition of picking a direction at random, I set off once again on my journey. "She's all yours, bye!"

I'm not certain what I was leaving Twilight to, but I also didn't care. That the changeling looked disappointed as I left gave the hint she might have just been a bit more interested in me than raping Twilight. Which is probably more creepy than the homosexual rape, all things considered.

But that's not my problem, and there was a whole new world to explore. Even a road that led back to Canterlot. But since the other side almost assuredly went somewhere else, it looked like I had something to follow. As long as I don't look behind me, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Walking was still about as boring as ever, though. Even though I was in a magical land full of dragons and shit, it didn't make much difference unless they were actually around. It was tranquil, I suppose. All that nature made breathing feel less like inhaling poison and more revitalizing.

The road alone was pretty lonely. Not a lot of ponies actually seemed to travel by it. A bit odd I guess, but they seem to have that instant teleport thing going on. Kinda made me question why they have roads at all. My one encounter with a pony just involved me hiding in a bush for a while.

It wasn't much longer after that when I heard screaming. Naturally, my investigative instinct forced me to go straight to the source. Also.. it was straight ahead. and there was no way in hell I was diverting from this beeline for something as small as some pony getting maimed to death.

So, as I got closer, I got to see what was going on. There was a few upturned carts with the assorted junk flung around the ground, but no dead ponies. After a few more glances, I realized that the carts were in a pattern, a circle arranged around a few terrified looking little ponies. It wasn't really much of a defense, considering I got past it accidentally. But a fortress of false security is still a fortress and it probably made them feel better.

I couldn't see what had them so worked up, but following their fixated stares led me to a spot on the other side of the circle that I just couldn't see. Seems natural, that coincidence.

And then just when I was considering going to look, or maybe leaving and not looking back, some of the poor wagons got violently knocked out of the way by some unimaginable force. Sent flying up into the air, they rained down on myself and the cowering ponies in a rain of... wood. Sharp wood that would probably leave me the maimed one if it hit me.

Deciding on the ultimate defense of putting my arms above my head and running away, I raised my arms above my head. But then, I was spared the onslaught of wood by a foul magic haze in the air.

The unicorn responsible for that came bounding toward his companions, but then stopped halfway and flipped around. Horn glowing, he took an angry looking pose as a giant thing made out of things appeared from whence he came.

The unicorn was a pretty standard looking green one. Completely and utterly green in every way. Except for the blood, there was a fair amount of that around him. It was on him too, dripping off head pony head. But he looked fine compared to that thing.

I mean, not that it was injured or anything. But it was ugly as hell. It was big and... furry? It had a scorpion tail too, but that was the only thing I could really make it out. Looked like something out of my nightmares. At least when my nightmares were about freaky looking things.

It charged at the unicorn, and the guy did some magic crap to create a barrier of green light. It slammed into that, and the unicorn hunched over like he was the one to take the hit. I don't know if the chimera thing was brilliant for working out the connection or just retarded, but it figured just slamming on the shield would be a great way to get rid of it.

So, while that was happening, I figured now was a great time to leave. And with all these wagons just lying around I had a great chance to do some good old looting. It was mostly spread around the ground, and it only took a few seconds of searching to find a few apples. I began merrily munching on one as I dug through the debris. But if I could just find a bag, I'd be doing great.

Ponies didn't seem to be too big into bags, though. I saw one or two before with them slapped on their backs, but it was really very few. Instead, I took my chances and stuffed the few pockets I had with apples. Another thing making it into my haul was a few gems. I would have included other things, but that was really about it. There was quite a lot of this stuff, but almost no variety. These poor bastards had to have been jewelers, or into some godforsaken hybrid of jewelry and fruit selling.

A roar grabbed my attention, and reminded me that I was on a bit of schedule. I skirted around the continuing fight, which that unicorn was definitely losing. Sucks to be him. I still had that magical gleaming sword, but it really seemed like a waste to get it dirty. He had my total moral support though.

Heading in the direction they came from, I got to see that I was right on my first hunch. Quite a few ponies were maimed! Well, dead. It was a bloodbath. That unicorn was going to need a lot more than just my best wishes if he was gonna survive.

I sincerely hope that someone found him and helped him out. But these bodies, damn. All sorts of messed up, a few were even torn in half. That was a lot more disgusting to see than I ever would have guessed. It would have been a lot nicer if guts had the courtesy of staying inside bodies.

Walking through the massacre, I saw a glint of red. Putting aside some slowly building revulsion, I took a closer look. Around the neck of a pony, a unicorn, there was an amulet. I weighed the pros and cons briefly. On one hand, it did catch my eye. It also had a chain. There weren't any downsides, really. So I grabbed it around that unicorns neck and yanked it off.

One of her eyes popped out, it was a pretty messy affair. But once I had the amulet, I promptly placed it around my own neck. Wiping my hand against my clothes left them a little dirty, but it was a small price to pay for this thing.

I really liked it, it was cool looking.

So, whistling a happy little tune, I jaunted off. I could see something in the distance, so it looked like everything was finally coming up Milhouse.

Author's Note

Chapters almost certain to get longer from here on out.

Chapter 7

Damn these ponies. Damn them all straight to hell. This city, which was absolutely one hundred percent called Manhattan, was just awful. It was my fault, this time. Really, I should have expected showing up in a pony city wouldn't have gone too well. There was screaming, lots of screaming. Then the pony guards came, with shiny armor and spears that they just couldn't quite hold.

This continued for a long while. The only good thing about it was that those guards had a hard time actually following me anywhere. I was agile or some shit like that, I don't know. Maybe it was the brief period of time where having four legs gave them a disadvantage for getting ready to run. But a few twists and turns and they'd never catch up.

That, unfortunately, left me stuck skulking around alleys pretty damn often. It wasn't too bad, really. The company was fairly decent at least. Awful lot of crime seemed to be going on, and there seemed to be an unspoken agreement to avoid each other. It worked out well enough except for the occasional time a guard chased one of them down here or they just did their own little crime purge.

Although the rule for avoiding contact didn't seem to extend to the other resident of the slums: changelings. Even if they left the ponies alone except for the occasional... transaction, I didn't get the same courtesy. It pretty much became the given thing that whenever I woke up quite a few of the little blighters would have clambered on or around me. It was a bit creepy, but it could have been... worse. At the very least, they tended to try to clean up before trying. The shit they did was a lot less messy than I expected.

But that didn't help me out right now. Because, for once, the thieves had come to talk to me. It also turns out they did a lot more than steal, probably.

"Maaster, wakey wakey." A hoof poked into my ribs. Somewhat dulled from the layers vagrant clothes I'd pilfered during my stay, but it still hurt like fuck. I grunted, and rolled over to come face to face with an ugly as fuck pony. It was just me, her, and some thugs, all of them in rather stylish cloaks that did almost nothing to hide their faces. The black horsies that usually hung around apparently abandoned me without waking me up first. No honor in the heart of a black horse.

With a scar running halfway across her face and a disgusting orange shade of fur, this pony was truly one of the most foul things that I ever had the misfortune of looking upon. I would have felt sorry for her if she wasn't about to rob me or kill me. On a related note, that led me to my response. Rolling myself away my hands flew to my face in a vain attempt to shield me from the inevitable onslaught. "Please don't kill me!"

"Wha—?" she exclaimed, jumping back at my outburst and twitching convulsively. It didn't take her long to get on top of it and back to what she came here for, though. Her thug friends didn't even flinch, cold and uncaring bastards that I'm certain they were. "No, no, never that, no. It's the pretender cult. We've found them, yes, yes we have. Shadow Stabber will lead you there. And then we can stab, stab, stab..."

It helps that she was a unicorn, I think. Because the whole theme would have been kind of ruined by anything else. Although, I think some bonus points might be in order if I ever saw a regular pony with fangs or some shit. The novelty would have worm off eventually, but it seemed a way better idea right now.

Speaking of crazy, she'd just taken out a knife and started thrusting it into the air. She even hummed a little tune as she did it, all of her focus on that strange task. But then she looked back to me, staring with a manic grin and unblinking eyes that seemed like they were really, really struggling to keep open.

Overall, basically the normal kind of person you met in alleys.

But since my choices were now somewhere between follow the lunatic and maybe get stabbed or don't follow the lunatic and probably get stabbed, I figured appeasement would be the best form of defense. Even she was giving off a few creepy vibes. I wasn't really following this too well anyway. I think she was trying to induct me into a murder cult.

"Eh, alright. Lead on," I said. Stabber let out a little squeal as I got up and ran off without me. Her thug friends were a bit slower about it, and had the foresight to actually make sure I was going the same way. Helpful, since I'd have had no chance at following her in this blackness anyway.

But then, like a demon, she popped her head back around from a corner I couldn't even see but for the glowing fire of insanity in her eyes and started to beckon me toward her. "Come, come! Yes. Not much time until day comes and she will judge us."

That didn't really make me go any faster, but at least her little motivational speech let me know what way to go. It was just a pity that the downsides of the night meant that I was totally reliant on Stabber to occasionally turn back and lead me toward our destination.

"You wanna say where we're going?" I said before she bounded ahead. I'm not sure if it was the whole being up to my waist thing, but I wasn't really that afraid of her. I mean I was afraid, of course, but I had a pretty good gut feeling that she wasn't going to kill me and string me up by my guts.

"One of the faithful saw markings of dark magic in old house when he broke in," Stabber said. I had no idea what dark magic was, but it sounded bad. Otherwise, it wouldn't be called dark magic. I was going to ask about it, but Stabber felt the need to start muttering to herself. "He came back to tell Stabber. And now we will go, and we will kill them. But must do it now, before they call the power of chaos. We shall come first, and we will stab and make the house clean with their blood."

Now that I think about it, it wouldn't be good even if she was a normal pony that had fangs. Changelings already had that one monopolized. When it comes to originality, I was lucky that she stabbed things with magic instead of having something nearly normal like just fangs. And, just to really savor my companion's uniqueness, we continued on in awkward silence. I had to hand it to her two buddies though, they really just did not care.

Through twists and turns and really very messy streets we went. The path we were taking was probably fairly roundabout since we went to a great deal of effort to avoid any of the streets that were actually trafficked. Granted, it was quite dark, but that was when they tried to outfox you and before you knew it they'd catch me to... I don't know, really, but something bad!

Eventually, we went into a part of the city that I'd never seen. Not that it was saying much, since I didn't really make a habit of exploring and hadn't been here too long either way. But the buildings were starting to become more like proper houses, instead of the standard fare of a city, and took on a more rustic and ancient look with slate roofs and, as we went on, eventually became outright mansions that stood as titanic monuments to being rich mixed with a lot of general opulence. Essentially, the houses were detached four story affairs now.

We stopped in front of one. It didn't really look too different, but as far as spooky rituals went it really had the vibe. It just had that haunted feeling to it. All the black tinted windows didn't help too much. Even the garden around it seemed a little, eh, off. A little off-color, maybe. These houses didn't have much of a garden anyway, just a few meters spread out from each building that might allow for a single tree at most.

"You wait here, Master. I will open the way," Stabber said, teleporting away because magic was the ultimate abuse of everything apparently. I wish I could do that shit, I wouldn't have that whole issue of having unicorns randomly abducting me then. Her random thug friends hadn't gone with her so even with the issue of magic I would have been stuck getting beaten up if I tried to bail.

"So... you guys... Know her very long?" I said. They didn't really acknowledge me, but they did shift around a little bit.

"By Celestia, no. She just paid us, and saying no wasn't good considering her... reputation," one said. She sounded like a girl. I was either way off or she looked like a steroid infested demon about twice the size as most of the female ponies I'd seen.

"Repu—?" But then there was a mighty crash, and the front of the house came crashing down onto us in a flurry of shrapnel and dust. We didn't really get hurt, but apparently this wasn't a task for subtlety.

Stabber stood at the front with her horn faintly glowing. A big demented grin was on her face, and it looked like she'd picked up a bit of blood from somewhere. I had a good feeling that it wasn't hers. While the other two may have been a bit shocked from the flashy entrance, it didn't stop them pushing me forward toward the inevitable death by whatever awaited us inside.

The foyer was pretty spacious and truly deserved the fancy word I use to describe it. Well, once I excluded the giant hole of rubble that had inadvertently been made to convenience our entrance. A massive stairs led to the higher levels of the mansion and a golden chandelier loomed precariously above us. Paintings of fine art lined the walls on all sides, and the whole building gave off a truly ancient feeling.

I also got to find out why Stabber was covered in blood: there was a dead body just pushed off to the side. The poor bastard looked like he once had a brown coat, although it was quickly turning red as a pool of blood blossomed from his body, a body with many, many stab wounds. But, the pony also looked pretty old so that whole theme was still... kinda there.

"Alright... So, how about you guys go up and I'll go down?" I said. On the off-chance that they listened, I got the cushy job of going into the dark dungeon that everyone would expect things to be in. So, really, I'd find nothing while the real eldritch abomination murder cult would be in a well lit room of the tallest tower while they waited for lightning to reanimate the monster. That, or we were the murder cult. It was still kinda hard to keep track, although the murder was starting to give me a definite leaning.

"Oh, yes, master! Yes!" Stabber exclaimed in a euphoria, thumping her hooves against the ground. The other two were silent, until I looked back and noticed that they were just gone.

"I only hired them to take us this far. But I thought they would stay to bask in your magnificence," Stabber said, either reading my mind or guessing. "But after, I shall find them. I will find them both and give you their eyes as an offering!

"But first, the followers of madness!"

With that, she bounded off upstairs. Which was what I wanted so I can't really complain on that front. But I also got a really, very unpleasant view that nearly made it all seem not worth it. I honestly didn't know it could get that messed up without them defecating on themselves, but it's not that surprising. The streets would have been a lot dirtier if I was right.

It didn't take long before I found the incredibly ominous door that screamed secret clandestine meeting, and opening it revealed the expected nearly pitch black descent into the bottomless cavern of evil. Each step on the stone steps echoed painfully loudly as I descended into the dark hallways of some foul underground lair.

I felt a feeling of claustrophobia as I moved into a dark and narrow hallway. On each side, walls lined with paintings of a chimeric beast seemed to collapse around me. The hall wasn't especially long, but I still wondered at the sanity of a mind that would put up so many nearly identical paintings side by side.

At the end, yet another wooden door greeted me. With a giant knocker formed into the visage of the same creature that covered the walls in some sort of messed up tribute. The door had no visible way to open it easily, so I went with the ancient tradition of pushing against it with my entire body.

With great force on my part, it slowly creaked open. Eventually, I was able to slip myself inside. Although I was lucky to not slice myself in half as the door fell back into place behind me with a great slam that sounded incredibly ominous. And I wasn't alone anymore.

In front of me, four ponies were gathered around a... rainbow colored mini statue of the chimera thing. They were bowed in front of it, and I just heard the end of a creepy chant cut off as they turned to face me. Naturally, all four of these guys seemed to be unicorns so I was totally screwed.

"You see, brothers, the sacrifice has been delivered!" one shouted. Moving in front of his compatriots, he got onto his hind legs and splayed his front hooves out in an amazing display of balance befitting the most raunchy of tightrope walkers. Raunchy because he was a dude, which I was now fully aware of. "The shrine in the basement works every single time!"

Now was naturally about the time I started to want to leave. So, turning around, I began to slam against the door behind me. Unfortunately, it was as smooth as a polished piece of wood can get and my nails scratched uselessly against it as I tried to force some grip. It did screech horribly though.

"Ah, fuck. Stop that and come over here! We've a very particular list to get through and you're cooperation would be appreciated." Glancing back, I saw the unicorn behind me had stopped his foul display. He also didn't bother to come at me and instead had grabbed a piece of parchment out of seemingly nowhere. Or he got it when I wasn't looking.

"Now, first things first. I have to laugh maniacally. Very important to the chaos business, I hear. Don't get much practice, so do forgive the accent," he stopped speaking, and coughed. Then, with an intake of breath, he let out a maniacal laugh. Well, it was more of a dark hearted chuckle, but that was pretty evil too in a way.

"Hey, Cloud, you sane bastard. You aren't meant to do that yet. You're meant to say the plan first," a grey unicorn said, coming up behind his compatriot. Who was also a unicorn, which was kinda weird since the name and all. Unless his name was Cloud Magic. "If you could kindly come and lie on the ground here, we could get on with sacrificing you to usher in a new age of darkness."

Not exactly a tempting offer. Once they figured out that I could do absolutely nothing to stop them, I was pretty fucked. But it was definitely in my favor that none of them had managed to make this leap of logic. "I'd rather not."

"No? Is that allowed?" grey pony's eyes widened. He began to hyperventilate, twitching shiftily in place as he muttered to himself. "Apple, get the rule book!"

Apple was, apparently, yet another unicorn. This time, and going against my first guess, she was a mare. A murky purple coat covered her and she seemed pretty... bulky, for a pony. Not the bad kind of bulky, but she had a look about her that hinted she might be able to snap necks with her muscly looking legs. I'd seen bigger, but it didn't usually come packaged with a horn on the head.

Aside from that, I have no idea where she got it from, but she'd managed to grab an extremely over-sized, old looking book and was now perusing its pages.

"I don't think there's a rule for that... Could we just take a guess?" she said quietly, unsure of herself as her timid voice struggled to be heard as it made even the air itself seem loud in comparison. Even though what she said might have been a bit dark and bad for my health, I love how she said it. Her voice was like honeyed silk to my ears.

"Guess?! Absolutely not! The first rule of being a chaos cultist is that you have to obey all the rules!" Cloud shouted, directing his ire toward the poor, defenseless Apple Light. Spittle flew from his disgusting horse mouth as he verbally assaulted the cowering mare. "Now, look up the rule we follow in case the rule we're looking for hasn't been added yet!"

"Cloud, I think she's right. I don't think the book has a rule for that," grey pony said, walking up beside the violently raging Cloud. "Calm down, we can pray to Lord Discord for more rules after we call upon him."

"Yeah, you leave Apple Light alone!" I shouted, with maybe a bit more enthusiasm that I really should have had. They all turned to me, expressions of shock on their faces. Although whether that was because they had forgotten about me or that I was getting into their freaky argument I don't know.

"How did you know my name?" Apple Light said, sweetly looking up at me as she raised her head from the dusty dark pages of that ancient tome. Her adorable brow knitted in concentration as she gazed at me with cute eyes that, like her coat, were purple. "Have you been stalking me?"

"What? No, that's—" I started. Before I could continue, Cloud the dick unicorn pointed his hoof in my direction and took on a terrified look.

"That's it! He's been trailing after us for weeks to steal the poor maiden's innocence!" Cloud yelled, with enough violent flaying that his cohort dived away from him. "If we don't stop him now, he'll overpower us all! Then, he'll loom over the sweet girl, tantalizingly probing her with those foul appendages while she can do nothing but shudder in his grasp!"

Cloud, you might be, ah, focusing a bit too much on this," grey pony said. For the most part, I agreed. But there was that whole killing me thing that was going on in the background. "Let's just be moving on. I'm sure the master wouldn't like to wait any longer than he has to."

That seemed to mollify Cloud, which turned his strange, foul, twisted thoughts away from Apple Light before he did something untoward to her or made me do it to her. But as great as that was, it meant his attention was back on me. Now, I hadn't been idle for the past few minutes at all. On the contrary, I had done an extremely good job of looking for a way out before promptly giving in to despair.

Magic was still an unfair advantage.

Right on cue, his horn lit up as a sadistic grin appeared on his face. Grey and that other unicorn followed up behind him, horns also pumping out magic signals. Apple Light was the same, but the clear hesitance in her step made it obvious that it was peer pressure that forced her into going with the crowd. They'd probably kill her otherwise, the savages.

"Come on now, my little ponies, we should all just sit down and talk about this," I said, backing away slowly. That was mostly because I had nowhere to back away too, and not so much a tactical choice.

When a burst of light came flying at me, I dived out of the way. When it rushed past me, it impacted the door that had caused me so much trouble and turned it into a pile of mush. Seeing a shot at living, I jumped to get going and flee for my life.

It was just unfortunate that Shadow Stabber happened to be standing in the hallway.

"Master, you found the heretics!" she shouted gleefully, sidestepping the puddle of sludge on the ground. She levitated her knife out of some dark recess in her cloak. "Now, let me stab them in your name!"

It might have been appropriate with her name and all, but that she said stab specifically is a bit strange. I'm not gonna lie to myself here, I think it's because she didn't plan on killing them. Although all this meant she wasn't part of the murder cult trying to kill me! Just the other murder cult trying to kill this murder cult. But I think I can live with that.

Regardless of her exact intentions, Stabber rushed forward at a blinding speed into the bastards and Apple Light. Before they even had a chance to react, her knife went flying into the side of Cloud. When she pulled it out, blood went spraying into the air covering her in a thin sheen of red. Of course, since she was using magic, it's a bit debatable why she barreled into them at all...

I moved toward gaping hole that served as an exit, but grey unicorn jumped in front before I'd taken a step. Looking completely out of it, with a frothy mouth and scraggly looking beard, he ran toward me. Ponies didn't seem to have much going on beyond charging at people once magic was out.

He was also the first pony I've ever seen with a beard. It wasn't pleasant.

I jumped out of his path, an easy feat since momentum was not on the side of the four-legged. When he turned around, quite a ways beyond me, he glared at me hatefully and his horn sparked.

"Honestly, even we wouldn't work with a lunatic like her!" grey shouted. Then the inevitable bean of white light came gushing out of his horn toward me. "I was a bit leery about all this, but we must be the sane ones!"

Dodging magic death rays was a lot harder than a charging pony. As such, I stopped and dropped.

"You can fold!?"

There were apparently some disadvantages to having not so bendy legs. As the beam went flying over my head, I rolled and starting rushing toward my greatest and only friend in the whole world: Shadow Stabber. Luckily, my position meant I got to avoid running in a straight line and the grey one actually had to aim.

As yet more magic went flying past me at angles that implied grey was probably half blind, I saw Shadow Stabber doing something terrible.

She was savagely fighting Apple Light in an epic clash of misguided youth and stone-cold psycho pony. As Stabber's knife flew with magic in a flourish tearing all around her, Apple Light took the grand strategy of backing away quickly. Admirable, but doomed to fail and if Shadow Stabber killed her I bet she couldn't save me from the ponies trying to kill me!

Before I collided with Stabber, her errant, rapidly flying knife grazed across my skin. A trickle of blood went with it, and Stabber immediately focused on me.

"Oh no, Master!" she said, her unjustified fight with Apple Light forgotten as she looked at me with creepy levels of concern.

"The ritual is complete!" Cloud yelled. Turning around, I saw him limping forward as grey unicorn supported him. That was with magic of course, because ponies can't do shit with hooves. There was a fair amount of blood trickling down his side, but he also wasn't dead so I guess he was fine. He was still a horse, after all.

"It is?"

He ignored me, of course, and Apple Light started yelling at the top of her lungs as that musty old book hovered in front of her. "Lord Discord, Lord of Madness, bestow upon your disciples the aid of one of your lordly creations!"

The room started glowing an eerie rainbow of colors. The crazy cultists and Apple Light rushed off to one of the corners of the room, leaving me and Stabber relatively alone.

"We should probably go," I said. Stabber looked up at me with puppy eyes.

"But... stabbing?" She pouted. It would have been cute save for the blood covering her. An awful lot of it seemed fresh considering only one person got stabbed, but maybe horses bleed a lot more than I guessed.

"No." I moved out, dragging her with me. She wasn't too reluctant after we were out of view of the ponies. Speeding up, we navigated through the dark corridor, not so dark now that the walls were lighting up too.

The foyer was the same as we left it though. Which is to say, destroyed. But the familiarity and lack of disturbing shit was comforting. The dead guy was still there, but he just wasn't doing it for me anymore.

By the time we reached the fence of the house, the world illuminated around us. Turning back, I saw a beam of light shooting up to the sky. Naturally, it was rainbow colors and probably the weirdest thing I'd see today as crackles of rainbow lightning burst from it and set buildings alight with rainbow fire.

"Seems like a good time to get out of town for a while."

Then, a massive roar echoed from the chamber beneath the building. So I burst out into a sprint, Stabber following behind me.

Whether Stabber followed or not, I do not know. I was far too into running as the roars began to rise in volume to pay attention to small details like that.