Twilight Sparkle Doesn't Eat a Peach

by PonyTom

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance, Gummy, Adventure
Length: 979

Follow Twilight's adventures (as best you can) as she declines to eat a peach!

Follow Twilight's adventures (as best you can) as she declines to eat a peach!

SPOILER ALERT: She doesn't eat the peach.

EDIT: Folks, this is easily the most hated piece I have created yet. Do you know what this means?
http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/We+did+it.+Because+Stephen+Colbert+is+50+thousand+times_eda923_3860544.gif

Published 2013-12-18 14:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-18 14:40:02 UTC

The Not Peachening

Twilight was minding her own beeswax (not that she had any beeswax on her or within her vincinity, although it wasn't completely unfounded beeswax could be around the library somewhere; she did have candles. Were they made of beeswax? Wait wait wait, I'm getting off track here) and reading a book (like she normally does. I mean really, what else are- oh! I'm doing it again, sorry) as she normally did. It had been too long since she had studied upon an age-old pastime for her; alcohol. Indeed, she hadn't had a nice drink in a while! She was in the midst of teaching herself to make something that would utterly ruin her liver when there was a knock at the door.

Now, Twilight is by no means a lazy mare.

But magic.

She opened the door with her cheater-kinesis to reveal Pinkie Pie, who stepped into the house; well, stepped is the wrong word, more like 'morphed.' She just sort of slid along the floor, making clicking noises as she moved; it seemed like she may not have even occupied space between points, until reaching Twilight and standing upright.

"HIYA TWILIGHT!"

Twilight smiled. "Hello Pinkie, what brings you by?"

Pinkie nodded. "Weeeelll, I was just wondering if you wanted to try something? I bought a fruit today, and it made me think of you, so I thought you might give it a try!" Well, Twilight was kind of hungry, and fruit could be used to make alcohole, so why not?

"Whatcha got?"

It was then that Pinkie held out a peach.

"Want a peach?"

"No thank you."

"Okay!"

With that, Pinkie bounded out of the library and shut the door behind her, and Twilight went back to her studying. Indeed, she had a lot of studying to do, if she was going to concoct the perfect brew. A peach. Why would Pinkie ask her to eat a peach? Peaches didn't really taste that good. Plus, despite the claims of certain songs, they weren't free unless you grew them yourself. Maybe Applejack could do that, but that was her beeswax (which may or may not be located within a 50 mile radius of our obsessive compulsive princess). Twilight was quite certain she had made the right choice in declining Pinkie Pie's offer for a Peach.

Indeed, it brought to question; what about Twilight made Pinkie figure her a pony for peaches? It's not that she had a problem with them; it's just, while she could eat, peaches didn't strike her at the moment. What she could really use was a hamburger - ah, but we've already told that story. Didn't we? I think we did. It ended with a bunch of people getting upset at implications of cannibalism which we totally don't see in the Nightmare Night episode where they say Nightmare Moon gobbled ponies up. Sure she really didn't, but you get my point right? What? Oh, I'm doing it again!

Anyway, where was I?

Okay, I've lost track. What was... let me see... oh yes! Peaches, and Twilight not eating them.

Ahem.

Twilight was quite satisfied with her choice making skills. In fact, she dared say that among the residents of ponyville, she was particularly wise when it came to decision making of the 'eating-peaches' variety. Most ponies would probably eat the peach simply because it had been offered to them! Those foolish ponies. It could be drugged for all they knew! Not that she thought it would be drugged; after all, this was Pinkie Pie we were talking about! Certainly, she was offering that peach to somepony else right now, and they were going to eat it out of courtesy. It's nice of her, but a bit thoughtless, if Twilight said so herself.

It was then that Twilight remembered her last encounter with peaches; it was a fateful Hearths Warming Eve. She was just about to get to fourth base with (INSERT FAVORED TWILIGHT SHIP HERE) when (INSERT FAVORED TWILIGHT SHIP HERE) offered her a peach. Just... out of nowhere! Needless to say (INSERT FAVORITE TWILIGHT HERE) was stunned and her mood was ruined. Twilight and (INSERT FAVORED TWILIGHT SHIP HERE) hadn't been on speaking terms for a week after that, but eventually made up with super hot (INSERT FAVORITE ACTIVITY HERE)!

Twilight shook the memory out of her head. Yes, those were fun times. Still, she had more important matters at hoof; alcohol and the production thereof! Her peach conundrum, much like her ass, was behind her. Unlike her ass, the peach did not have a tramp stamp signifying that she was good at rendering the laws of reality pointless.

It was then Pinkie broke into Twilight's home by way of throwing a chair through her window, then opening the door and stepping inside politely. "Hey, Twilight, I bought a snack for you!"

"What is it, Pinkie?"

"It's a muffin!"

Realizing she was hungry, Twilight took the muffin from Pinkie and gobbled it down. That taste. It couldn't be. It had to be a mistake! She knew that taste! That terrible, tangible taste that tingled on her tongue and her taste buds in tedium! Had she been tricked? Had she been fooled? Betrayed by her own friend, whom she trusted and, depending on the reader's choices, may have loved? It hurt her to think. 'No' she told herself. 'Pinkie wouldn't lie to me! She's my best friend/lover/sister (insert fanon here)! "Pinkie? What's in this muffin?"

"Drugs!"

The next thing Twilight knew, she woke up in a sleazy hotel room. (INSERT FAVORITE TWILIGHT SHIP HERE) and (INSERT NOT-FAVORITE TWILIGHT SHIP HERE) were laying next to her, there were empty beer bottles everywhere, and Twilight Sparkle wasn't sure, but she was certain that she was pregnant.

THE END

Author's Note

If this makes the feature box I will laugh so hard.