Twilight Sparkle lay sprawled out on her bed, her stomach bulging and her coat sticky with juices. Beside her sat a mountain of peach pits, the corpses of her victims of the unwavering onslaught of her newfound love for the furry fruit.
With a loud groan, the purple unicorn forced herself to sit up. Grabbing a half eaten peach sitting beside her, she brought it up to her mouth and took a large bite out of it, savoring its juicy goodness.
Spike watched this display of gluttony with a disgusted frown. Shaking his head, he marched up to his caretaker’s bed and slapped the fruit out of her hoof. It landed on the floor with a squishy, wet, smack.
“Stop eating those things, Twilight! You’re going to get the runs, and I’m not cleaning up the bathroom,” he said, before grimacing, “again.”
“But it’s sooooooooo good!” she moaned, desperately grabbing for the discarded peach. Spike scraped the half eaten fruit off the floor and held it just out of the unicorns reach before tossing it out the nearby window.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she exclaimed, teleporting to the window and desperately trying to pluck the peach out of the air, but failing. Below, Fluttershy was guiding a line of baby ducks through the busy streets of Ponyville. She looked up as she heard Twilight’s cry, before the peach exploded on her in the head. She jumped up in air, shaking her head about as she searched for what had coated her in a sticky juice. Her eyes came to rest on the half eaten peach that hit her in the head. Seconds later, tears welled up in the corners of her eyes before she fled, a trail of tears following her.
Twilight turned away to frown at Spike, her face covered in a thick, sticky juice. She just missed as the ducks that Fluttershy was guiding were run over by a bus.
“Nice job, Spike,” the purple unicorn scolded, “your selfishness made Fluttershy cry!”
“My selfishness?! You’re the one making me clean up the aftermath of your peach orgy while you sit around and continue eating!”
Twilight Sparkle ignored the baby dragon. “Perhaps I should stop by and make things up to her by sharing a peach with her…”
The unicorn’s face lit up as she scrambled over to her peach collection. “I’ve got an idea, Spike!”
Spike threw up his hands in defeat and left the room.
Twilight continued on as she dug through the pile of peaches, unaware she was now alone with her insanity. “I’ll take my biggest, juiciest peach and share it with one of my friends! I’m sure they’d love it as much as I do!”
A spider that was crawling across the floor glanced over the peach obsessed mare and shook it’s head.
The unicorn groaned as she stood up. “All of these peaches are unworthy to share with my friends. I must find something better! Bigger! Juicier!”
Twilight plucked her purse up with her telekinesis, before teleporting out of the room.
Peachy Keen stood at her stand, waving at her latest satisfied customer as he walked away, a bag of peaches in hoof.
She smiled and hummed to herself happily as she counted her newly acquired bits before squaring them away.
“Get your peaches here! Nice and juicy! Big and healthy!” she called out to passing by ponies.
Out of nowhere, there was a blinding flash, forcing the salesmare to shield her eyes. As the light subsided, Peachy put her hoof down and searched for the source of the flash.
She wasn’t surprised when she spotted the crazed mare that has since become her number one customer standing in front of her. This was her third time visiting the cart today, the mare leaving with more peaches than the average pony could eat in a month every time.
“Ah… Twilight,” she said with a neutral voice, “you back to clean out my supplies once more?”
“No, actually, I need something… special,” the unicorn answered.
“Special?” Peachy asked with raised brow, “What do you mean?”
“You see, I want to share the juicy goodness of peaches with my friends, but the ones I have aren’t nearly juicy or big enough. Got anything?”
The salesmare glanced about suspiciously, before reaching under her stand and pulling out a gigantic peach, placing it out on the stand with a light thud.
Twilight’s eyes widened as she gazed upon its beauty. The peach was larger than her head, taking up much of the stand.
“Sweet Celestia…” the unicorn muttered under her breath, saliva began pouring from her mouth.
“I use it to brag to Applejack with… but I think I can part with it. For the right price, of course,” Peachy said.
“GIMME!” Twilight exclaimed. She threw her purse in the salesmare’s face, resulting in a shower of bits. She grabbed the peach and ran off with a manic grin as Peachy Keen screamed at the coin that had been lodged into her eyesocket.
Fluttershy lay curled up in a ball on the floor, silently sobbing to herself. Angel stood over her with a scowl, as he tapped her head in an attempt to get her attention.
The butter yellow pegasus only curled up tighter in response.
Angel rolled his eyes, chucking his carrot at the poor pegasus before wandering off.
Fluttershy continued to sob to herself as the bunny ran off to smoke a joint.
After a while, there was a loud, persistent knocking at the pegasi’s front door. A rabbit’s scream could be heard and the sound of a flushing toilet soon followed after. Fluttershy stopped crying for a moment and raised her head, before getting up and slowly opened up the door.
There stood a smiling Twilight Sparkle with a giant peach.
Fluttershy’s eyes widened with fear.
“Hi Fluttershy! I was wondering if you wanted to share--”
“PEACH!” the yellow pegasus screeched in horror, before slamming the door in Twilight’s face.
The purple unicorn stood there a few moments, staring at the door in shock.
“Rude,” she said, finally regaining her senses, “Maybe Applejack would like to share this peach with me.”
“Hmm… nah,” Applejack answered.
“Why not?!” Twilight demanded.
“Peaches are the fruit of the devil,” the apple farmer responded, “ever since Peachy Keen started selling her peaches, I have been losing a lot of business. Me and the pear mare are plotting something big to get our business back.”
“B-but-”
“Apple master race!” Applejack said, slamming her front door in Twilight’s face.
The unicorn sighed. Maybe she’d have better luck with Rarity.
“Absolutely not!” Rarity said, gasping in horror, “those juices would completely ruin my coat. I mean, look at yours! You’re positively filthy darling!”
Once again, Twilight got a door slammed in her face. This was starting to get annoying.
Every one of her friends had rejected her offer. Rainbow Dash was too busy flying and didn’t want to get juice in her wings and Pinkie Pie couldn’t eat peaches because of her religion, the Church of Apple Spice.
Nopony else wanted to share a peach with her either. Not Derpy. Not Carrot Top. Not Cheerilee. Nopony.
Feeling dejected, the purple unicorn began make her way back to her house, the giant peach still held firmly in the air by her telekinesis.
“Hey,” a dashing voice from behind her asked, “are you that chick who wants to share a peach with someone?”
Twilight's face lit up as she turned around to face the source of the voice. There, standing over her, was an exceedingly dashing black man. From his jordans to his plain blue to his white mock turtleneck, the man was so dashing he’d probably make every noble look like Applejack’s half-retarded cousin that was conceived through incest.
“Y-yes!”
“Just how juicy is that peach?” the dashing black man inquired, pointing a beautifully-manicured finger to the orange orb.
“I don’t know, honestly. Would you like to find out?” she inquired.
“Why do you think I asked in the first place? I want to take you up on this offer you’ve given everyone in the town.”
Twilight’s smile increased in size three fold as she clopped her hooves together excitedly. “Alright, let’s go to my house,” she said.
Twilight lead the dashing black man into her house, where Spike was playing on his brand new Xbox One. He glanced away from the TV and looked at them. He stared at them for a few moments, before he pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.
“I… I’m out, okay? You have fun eating peaches to death,” the baby dragon said, grabbing his Xbox One and his games. “If you decide to get ahold of yourself, I’ll be playing Xbox and smoking blunts with the cutie mark crusaders.”
The two watched him go. He turned towards them one last time and gave them the bird, before slamming the door behind him on his way out.
“Rude,” Twilight commented.
“Whatever, girl. Let’s dig in,” the dashing black man said dashingly in a dashing fashion.
The dashing black man pulled up a tastefully post-modern, two seat love couch that had been previously coated in a generous (but not too generous) spraying of Scotch-Guard.
“No peach juice will ruin this beautiful work of Swedish engineering,” the black man who happened to be dashing said with a dashing twinkle in his eye.
Reclining ever-so-dashingly, the dashing black man took the peach into his dashingly well-manicured hands and felt its supple skin.
“Ooh yeah, baby, just like that…” the dashing black man mumbled under his breath. The peach yielded to his touch, yet stood firm, resilient, a truly remarkable subject for all of peach-kind.
Twilight returned from the kitchen, carrying two china plates, a knife, and some napkins. Opening her mouth to speak, she stopped dead as she spotted what was before her:
An exceedingly dashingly dashing black man was holding a dangerously large peach in his dashing hands. She was so taken aback that she placed down the plates and knives and walked up to the lovely swedish two-person love couch.
She gave the dashing black man a look she had only given a select few before.
“Oh, my. That’s... quite a peach, isn’t it?” Twilight said quietly. The awe of the peach beckoned her towards the dashing black man.
“Mmm...hmmm, that’s right girl. You said it…” His voice trailed off into nothingness. Grasping the peach just a bit tighter, he looked over his shoulder to see the unicorn behind him; their eyes locked. The look she was giving him sent shockwaves from deep within his peaches.
“Let’s dig in,” Twilight whispered seductively.
Twilight leaped on the peach. It was all she could do. It was all her brain could tell her overloaded body to do. As she landed on the dashing black man, the two embraced with the peach at their center, holding them, bonding them together for what may as well have been an eternity.
Twilight’s breath was getting heavy. She felt her blood rush to special places in her body. This was it. It was time.
“My body is ready!” she gasped. “Take me! Please!”
The dashing black man could only oblige. With an animalistic (though rather dashing) grunt, he asserted his dominance and took control.
The heat of passion came in a tidal wave of agonizing beauty:
“Hey, do you want this half or this half?” dashing black man asked. He pointed out the half that was neatly sliced and sitting on the plate.
“Hmm, I like gnawing on the pit a little. That half, please!” Twilight smiled as the dashing black man handed her the half of the peach she had asked for.
The two dug into their respective halves, and smiled at each other as they tasted the peach: it was actually pretty good.
“This is actually pretty good,” Twilight added after she swallowed a juicy mouthful. The dashing black man nodded in agreement.
“Hey, Twilight…” he started after swallowing his bite.
“Yes?” Twilight asked, her eyes widening, as she lowered her next bite. She felt a euphoria begin in her gut.
“I…”
But the dashing black man was cut off, and not even dashingly, either. The door slammed open and a flood of sunlight blinded the pair.
“Eaugh-?” Twilight mumbled as she covered her eyes with a hoof.
“Twilight Sparkle! On the orders of the Princesses, you are to be arrested!” a voice shouted vehemently into the small library. Two ponies rushed into the room screaming, batons swinging.
“On what charge!?” Twilight squeaked as a white unicorn with blazing red hair slammed her to the ground and cuffed her.
“For stealing from the royal bank.” A large, grey stallion approached the struggling mare. He glanced over the top of his purple aviators. “You sick freak.”
He shook his head disdainfully. “You peach addicts are the worst. Stealing for your next fix… well now you can prepare to be loved tenderly by the long pole of the law.”
Twilight screamed and struggled as the white unicorn dragged her away to the awaiting paddy wagon outside. The earth pony stallion turned around to face the dashing black man.
“You have a nice day now, sir.” He tipped his patrol cap and disappeared into the midday light.
The dashing black man just shrugged and kept eating his peach.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
Except Spike, who died of prostate cancer shortly after.
Always remember to get regular prostate exams, gents.
Author's Note
The two cops at the end are cameos from the story Ponyville 911, by MisterMoniker.
