Peachocalypse Now
*****
Spike stretched and yawned in his basket bed as bright rays of sunlight shot into the Library, brightening the large, open area and warming the giant treehouse to a comfortable temperature.
He smiled to himself as he looked outside.
“Ahh,” He said quietly to himself, “what a beautiful day! The kind of day where nothing can go wrong.”
“SPIKE!”
“AHHH!” Spike leapt into the air, startled by Twilight’s sudden outburst.
“Get down from there!” Twilight commanded as Spike clung to the ceiling, trembling. “We’ve got a busy day ahead of us!” She insisted.
Spike continued to grasp tightly to the ceiling with his claws. He looked down at his bed and gulped.
Well…not too long drop…small target…okay…I’ll just take careful aim, let go, and…
‘THUD’
“Spike! Stop goofing off!” Twilight demanded. “I need you to go over today’s list.”
Spike moaned as he picked himself off the floor.
“Gee, Spike, are you alright?” He muttered quietly to himself, pitching his voice up a few octaves. “Just fine, Twilight.” He answered himself softly in his normal tone as he walked to a desk with a scroll on it. “Just fell several feet to the cold, hard floor, no biggy…mumble…grumble…”
Spike unfurled the scroll. His eyes widened as he stared at the lengthy list. Though, the length he was used to, what was different was…
“Uh…Twilight?” Spike said to the purple alicorn. “There’s just one item on the list, over and over again. It just says… ‘Peaches’.”
Twilight giggled to herself. “I know! I updated the list last night! Isn’t it great! The Peachening is upon us.”
“…What?” Spike put his claws out in front of him in a ‘stop’ fashion. “Hold up…if you changed the list, and updated it to read only one thing, why would you even need me to read it?!”
“Spike, your senseless babbling is delaying what promises to be a peacheriffic day!” Twilight insisted. “Hurry up! Applejack has modified a used bandwagon for all of us to ride around in while we go to market and consumes peaches until the peach is in us and we ARE the peachy and all is peach with the world!” Twilight said as her eyes began to glaze over and s small, mad smile began to spread across her lips.
“And that’s…good?”
“Nothing can stop the Peachening…NOTHING!” Twilight insisted.
“Uh…you know what? I think I’ll sit this one out…”
“…Rarity is coming.”
“On second thought, I’m sure my diet can use more off…whatever it is peaches have.”
Twilight held a forehoof up. “They are an excellent source of potassium, fiber, vitamins A and C, and also contain trace amount of magnesium.”
“Who couldn’t use more magnesium in their diet?” Spike responded cheerfully. “Let’s go out there and eat some peaches!” He said as he swung fist enthusiastically in front of him in an ark.
**
Pinkie grumbled sleepily as daylight poured into the windows of her room atop Sugarcube corner. She slowly opened her eyes as awareness set it.
Sluggishly, she tossed off the covers, and stood to her…socks?
Pinkie looked down at the white and pink striped socks that covered three of her four legs, almost reaching up to her torso.
“Uhhh…geez…” She wondered to herself. “What did I do last night?”
Pinkie racked her brain, trying to push past her throbbing headache and the many, many sugary drinks that reduced her to this state…
“Let’s see…I remember something about feeling a profound sense of serenity with the cosmos and also something about angry, cloths stealing gnomes…” She uttered out loud to herself as she rubbed a forehoof over her forehead.
“Huh…” She looked behind her and extended her bare leg. “Well…maybe that explains why I only have three…”
Pinkie shook her head to clear it and sat down on her haunches, removing the other three socks with her mouth, deciding some mysteries where maybe better left unsolved.
She trotted over to her door and opened it, heading down the stairs towards the bakery.
“Good morning, Pinkie!” Mr. Cake said as Pinkie walked down the hall, greeting the unusually reserved pink pony enthusiastically. “Are you ready for Peach madness?!”
“Uh…Depends.” Pinkie replied. “Am I angry at the peach or crazy about it? ‘Cause I’m not sure I can do crazy, today…”
“EVERYTHING the bakery is making is peach related! Peach cupcakes, peach fritters, peach pies! PEACHES! PEACHES! PEACHES!”
“Uh…right.” Pinkie replied. “Instead of being ‘crazy’ about peaches, can I maybe, just this once, be enthusiastic, or even merely accepting about peaches?” Pinkie asked hopefully.
Mr. Cake pondered this. “Well…The whole town is really going gaga for peaches so…”
Pinkie sighed. “Look! Any other day I’m sure I’d be all like, ‘Peaches! Oh joy! I love peaches because they rhyme with beaches! And who doesn’t like a trip to the beach! Not anypony I’d want to hang out with, that’s for sure! So let’s each go out there and preach about a peach, I even wrote a speech,’ but today I really just need a fruit smoothie and a few aspirin.”
“How about I make you a nice peach smoothy!” Mr. Cake suggested.
“Uhh…” Pinkie gave her employer’s face a closer inspection, noticing a look of wildness and madness in his eyes. “I think…I think I’ll just nip out to the shops quickly…”
“Sure Pinkie!” Mr. Cake replied. “Also,” Mr. Cake produced a large, peach costume, with five holes in it. One for a head to stick out, and four for the legs, “We need you to wear this!”
Pinkie blinked a few times as she looked over the giant, round costume. She looked around the hallway, considering her options.
“…”
‘Shatter’
‘Thump’
Pinkie picked herself off the dirt and shook her entire body, flicking glass shard out of her pink, curly mane.
She looked up at the now broken second story window and sighed.
“Well…there’s a sizable chunk of a paycheck gone…” She turned to the direction of Ponyville’s market and center and began trotting down the street.
**
“Oh, Twilight you look positively peachy this morning!” Rarity said to her friend as she approached the peach colored bandwagon being pulled by Applejack.
“Why thank you, Rarity!” Twilight responded. “And might I say, that is a lovely peach themed dress you’re wearing!”
Rarity tittered giddily, raising her hoofs to show off the frilly, peach colored dress. “It’s part of my peach themed lineup! I dare say every pony in Ponyville will want one.”
Spike clambered onto the wagon and sat next to Rarity. “Hiya, Rarity! You look…uhh…peachy!”
The ponies present began giggling as Applejack marched forward, pulling the wagon behind her.
“So uh…what’s every pony up to today?” Spike asked.
“I’m going on an all peach diet to help my flying regiment!” Rainbow Dash explained.
“Uh…isn’t that…kinda…malnutritios?” Spike asked.
“Well, Spike, you know what they say, “Peaches will provide!”
Spike shivered as the rest of the ponies all murmured “Peaches will provide.” in unison.
“Uh, right…Fluttershy?”
“Oh, I’m getting peaches to feed all my animals! Nothing but the best for my furry friends.” She explained.
“But…some of your animals aren’t even vegetarians!” Spike exclaimed.
“Oh, don’t worry. Peaches’ will provide!”
“Peaches will provide.” The ponies chanted once more.
“I’m afraid to ask, but…how about you, Applejack.” Spike said.
Applejack looked back as she continued to pull the cart. “It’s Peachjack, now partner…”
Spike sighed. “Of course it is…”
“I’m gonna get as many peach seeds as ah can, and replace the entire Apple family orchard with peaches!” Peachjack explained. “Soon we’ll be the Peach family.”
“Uh right…” Spike said.
I’m starting to regret coming with Twilight today.
“Oh, Spikey-wikey!” Rarity sang out. “I almost forgot! I have a just darling outfit for you!”
“Sure Rarity,” Spike said with a smile, “lay it on me!”
In flash of azure, a peach colored outfit was placed on Spike complete with a hat that resembled the top half of a peach.
Spike sighed again.
Now I reallyregret coming out.
**
“Sorry, we’re out of bananas…and strawberries…and milk…how about a peach smoothie?”
“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” Pinkie growled out. “THAT’S NOT EVEN A SMOOTHIE! THAT’S JUST PEACH PULP!”
The stallion shopkeeper grinned. “It’s okay, Peaches will provide.”
“Peaches will provide.” The ponies of Ponyville chanted in agreement.
Pinkie sighed. “Look does anypony have ANYTHING I can have that’s not peach related?!”
The town went dead quiet.
“GET THE DISBELIEVER!”
“Huh?” Pinkie replied. “I just want something other than peaches…”
“SHE EVEN ADMITS HER CRIME! SHE MUST BE SACRIFICED!”
“No! Wait…oofff…”
Dozens of ponies descending upon Pinkie, restraining the pink mare.
“Yes! Sacrifice her to James, the giant peach!”
“No! Don’t sacrifice me!” Pinkie pleaded. “Come on! I’ll even sing a song about peaches… Uh…Peaches rhymes with beaches and…no wait…I said that already…”
“What is the meaning of this?!”
The ponies parted as Princess Twilight stepped forward, Spike quickly behind. Murmurs of “The Peach Princess” made their way through the crowd.
Pinkie looked up as Bob-bon and Lyra held her up for the princess.
“Twilight! Thank Celestia you’re here!” Pinkie replied. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the whole town has gone crazy! Just because I don’t want a peach.”
“See, Princess! The heretic admits her guilt!” Lyra said.
“SILENCE!” Twilight called. “It’s okay, Pinkie.” she said. “I know what to do.”
Pinkie’s face lit up. “You do?”
Twilight smiled and nodded, then her features went dark. “Prepare the sacrificial daggers! BRING HER TO THE GIANT PEACH!”
“WHAT?!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!”
The crowd turned to see Spike, sitting in front of a giant peach in town scare that had a crown perched on top of it. “Listen to yourselves!” Spike insisted. “You’ve all gone crazy over a fruit! So much so that our daily lives have been disrupted. Don’t you think it’s time we step back and regain control of ourselves?!” Spike reasoned.
“…”
“SACRIFICE THE DRAGON!” Someone screamed.
The crowd roared in agreement and surged on Spike.
“WAIT! Take one more step, and I’ll…breathe fire on this thing!” Spike said, motioning to the peach.
“He’ll do it!” Pinkie insisted. “He’s crazy!”
The mob paused.
“HIYA!”
Soon there was another commotion as dozens of ponies dressed in black popped out of the shadows and began assaulting the population of Ponyville.
“Uh…what’s going on now?” Pinkie asked Twilight.
“Ninjas!” Twilight responded.
“Uh…ooooookaaaaaaaaay…why?”
“Ninjas ALWAYS attack when there are millions of peaches around!”
“Oh, of course.” Pinkie replied. “Spike!” she called out. “Set the stupid Peach on fire, I can’t take this anymore!”
“With gusto!” Spike replied as he belched a steady stream of fire onto the peach.
**
Pinkie wiped a forearm across her brow as the last ninja scampered off into the distance.
“Good thinking, you two!” Twilight said happily. “How did you know the giant peach was controlling everpony?”
Spike and Pinkie looked at each other and shrugged.
“We didn’t.” Pinkie explained.
“Yeah, it was just…when is it not a good idea to set something on fire?” Spike asked rhetorically.
“Well, I think we all learned something today!” Twilight said.
“You said it, partner!” Applejack agreed.
“We should never blindly follow any new trends that may surface because of completely random reasons!” Twilight said.
Pinkie smiled. “Aw, they’re not always so bad.” Her face turned a little serious. “Just so long as they don’t get out of hoof.”
Twilight paused. “You’re right Pinkie. GOLDEN SCEPTERS WITH GOOFY LOOKING FACES FOR EVERYPONY!”
*soon*
The townspeople of Ponyville looked over the smoldering ruin of their town as they sat in front of the mayor’s office as it sat under a massive grinning, golden, spectator head that resembled Twilight Sparkle.
“Uh…well…” Twilight uttered. “That escalated quickly.”
Pinkie sighed. “I’m going back to bed…” She announced, trotting away from the whole sorry scene.
***
“Hello! I’m TV’s Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight said as she sat in a chair in a comfortable looking, curtained room.
“And I’m TV’s Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie said cheerfully.
“Today, we’re going to talk to you about memes.” Twilight began. “Now many of you may think that memes are fun and cool, and we’re here to tell you…Good for you! Go crazy, if you want! Don’t let anyone else tell you what you can and can’t spam for your own amusement!”
“Yeah!” Pinkie chimed in “Join the crowd! Or don’t! Buck the police! Do what you want! You’re not hurting anyone!”
Twilight nodded. “Yep, so even though it seems incredibly hypocritical to say given the story we just enacted, what’s important is that you do what feels good to you!”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “For instance! I don’t like these curtains!” Pinkie said, motioning out to her surroundings, she reached into her pink mop of a mane with a forehoof and pulled out a golden, zippo lighter with an eagle etched on the front. “So I’m going to set them on fire!” She said as she opened the lighter and attempted to light it by quickly running a hoof over the ignition wheel.
“Where’d you get that, anyway?” Twilight asked, as Pinkie got a constant flame going.
Pinkie held the lighter up to the curtains, which immediately caught fire and begun to smoke. “Eh, I borrowed it from myself in another fan-fic.” She explained.
“Huh…” Twilight replied. She faced forward once more. “Well, remember everpony! Use memes responsibly…or don’t! Who cares?” Twilight quickly sat up. “This is TV’s Twilight Sparkle running for her life!”
“BURN, UGLY CURTAINS! BURN!”
THE END
