Well, Ain't This Peachy?

by RainbowBob

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 4500

Peaches can be evil, horrible, and very terrifying fruit. Especially when they raise an army to eat you.

Apples to oranges to peaches?

Twilight's latest spell gets screwed up by Pinkie Pie, and the end result is a peach with attitude. Also, it seems he doesn't enjoy getting bitten by a certain purple unicorn. The Peach Lord shall have his revenge, and then Twilight will know what it feels like to be eaten! Muhahahahaha!

Inspired by this amazing art.

Thanks for all the help editing from Pearple Prose!

Also, I put full blame and responsibility for this story's creation on Obselescence. Shower him in love/hate, whatever you desire!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-19 02:10:02 UTC

Chapter 1: Sour And Hard And Not Overly Sweet

“Okay Spike, you’re ready?” Twilight asked.

Spike lifted up his shield. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Spike, you don’t need a shield. I have everything perfectly under control.”

“Tell that to the bird,” Spike replied, just as a flying orange drifted from above, managing to tweet even though it lacked a mouth, lungs, or other necessary organs.

“Yeah… we should probably fix that…” Twilight narrowed her eyes, concentrating on the apple before her. “Later though. For now, this apple is going to turn orange!”

“You’re going to change its color?” Spike asked, peeking over his shield.

Twilight shook her head. “No, I meant literally turn it into an orange.”

“Oh, good luck with that!” Spike said, giving Twilight a thumbs up while hiding behind his shield.

Taking in a deep breath of air, Twilight’s horn glowed a bright purple hue as she collected energy for her magical spell. Storing up a sufficient amount of magic capable of completing the spell, Twilight aimed carefully and made sure no living beings were in sight in case this misfired again. Just a little longer now until she was ready...

Of course, Pinkie happened to distract her yet again just as she fired. Such is her erratic Pinkie nature.

“Twilight, I just wanted to ask if you finally managed to turn that apple into an orange?” Pinkie practically shouted in Twilight’s ear, causing her to release her spell prematurely. Luckily, it still managed to hit its target.

“Pinkie!” Twilight snapped, turning to her friend. “I thought you were going?”

“Well, yeah, but I wanted to see if you could pull off the spell!” Pinkie shook Twilight excitedly and pointed to the swirling fog of magical energies surrounding where the apple once lay. “And it looks like you did!”

“Now, now, let’s not jump to conclusions,” Twilight said, peering deeper into the slightly purplish fog.

Pinkie jumped into the fog and dissipated it with a single bounce, picking up the object that had replaced the apple. “Can we at least jump on fruit then?”

“Pinkie, careful!” Twilight warned, snatching the object from Pinkie’s hooves immediately. “We don’t know what it is! I didn’t complete the spell right, so for all we know, this can be a—”

“Peach?” Pinkie interrupted, pointing to the fuzzy fruit in Twilight’s hooves with hues of light red and bright orange.

“Oh, it is,” Twilight noticed, weighing the peach in her hooves.

Spike took a glance over his shield. “Well, it’s kind of orange, if that counts.”

“But it was supposed to be a full orange. Not a… peach, of all things.” Twilight took a whiff, rubbing the peach’s exterior. “I don’t even know why it’s a peach. The spell was for oranges and apples exclusively.”

“Maybe a peach is a mix between oranges and apples?” Pinkie guessed, gawking at the peach with wide eyes. “You could’ve just made a fruit combo!”

“Don’t be silly, Pinkie. Peaches are entirely different fruit from apples and oranges. They’re all different.” Tapping to make sure it had the right consistency, Twilight shrugged. “It feels and smells like a peach, so, for all intents and purposes, I just changed an apple into a peach when it was supposed to be an orange.”

“So… you get half credit this time?” Spike asked, leaning on his shield as he took a closer gander at the newly created peach. “Maybe it just looks like a peach, and inside it’s an orange?”

“Ooh, Twilight, can I try it? Please?” Pinkie begged, licking her lips as she inched her muzzle closer to the peach. “Pretty, pretty, pretty please with ice cream cake and banana muffins and marshmallow brownies and double batter whipped cream with sprinkles and a watermelon on top?”

“Of course not, Pinkie,” Twilight replied, holding the peach out of Pinkie’s reach. “I made it, so it’s only proper I get Spike to test it out to make sure it’s not dangerous or anything like that.” Twilight flashed Spike a smile. “So, Spike, want some peaches?”

The shield Spike had been holding up only seconds ago fell down, all traces of the supposed taste-tester dragon gone. Frowning, Twilight groaned and said, “Fine, I’ll do it.”

Biting into the peach’s fuzzy exterior, Twilight chomped a chunk of the sweet fruit into her mouth. Except it wasn’t exactly that sweet. Chewing slowly and allowing the juices to pool into her mouth, Twilight spat out the bite she had just taken.

“Eww! Ugh, this thing is disgusting!” Twilight shouted, spitting out more of the peach’s chunks and juices from her mouth. “It’s too tart, extremely sour, and as hard as a rock! What went wrong with the spell?”

“Maybe you should’ve chosen a more ripe apple?” Pinkie guessed. Pinkie’s eyes shrunk and she pointed a shaking hoof to the peach in Twilight’s hooves. “T-Twilight, t-t-the p-peach!”

“Yeah, Pinkie, I already know. Maybe a riper apple would’ve worked better.”

“No, n-not that! That!” Pinkie shouted, waving and pointing her hoof rapidly to the peach.

Looking back at the peach, Twilight’s eyebrows shot up. The hole where Twilight had bitten off a piece had widened, transforming to a strangely disturbing, toothy grin. Its pit had grown smaller pits along its mouth-line as a form of teeth, which were currently pointed at Twilight’s neck.

“Eeep!” Twilight shrieked, falling on her back just as the peach took a bite at where her neck should have been. Kicking out with her back legs, Twilight was successful in smacking the gluttonous fruit out of the way.

“Did that peach just try to eat me?” Twilight asked.

“How did you not see it? You were just there.” Pinkie asked as well.

Twilight shot Pinkie an unamused look.

“Quiet, you bickering fools!”

Twilight and Pinkie glanced around. “Where did that voice come from?” Twilight asked.

“Down here!”

The two ponies looked down to where the voice had pointed out. There they could see the peach from before, who looked a bit on the bruised side but otherwise alright.

“Tremble before me, you meatbag scum!” the peach ordered, its voice made of pure malice and vitamin C. “For I have come to wipe your fleshy lives out of existence!”

“You just tried to bite me!” Twilight accused the talking fruit, which was definitely not on her list of things she had in mind for that day.

“You bit me first!” the peach rebutted, hissing sour juices at the two. “Eating me like I was nothing! For shame, for shame!”

“Listen, Mr. Peach, Twilight is really sorry about that,” Pinkie cut in, holding a hoof over Twilight’s mouth. “We promise it will never happen again.”

“First off, my name is Peach Lord! Secondly, too late! By trying to cannibalize me, your Twilight here has just declared war on all peaches around the world!” Peach Lord shouted, hopping up even with the lack of arms or legs. “In the act of trying to eat me, I shall eat her!”

“Wait, what?” Twilight asked, glancing left and right in a confused manner. “What’s going on exactly?”

“What is going on exactly is your imminent doom!” Peach Lord cried out, barring his pit teeth in a garish smirk. “Soon, you will know what it feels like to have chunks bitten out of you!”

“Oh yeah? You and what army?” Pinkie laughed, patting Peach Lord on his stem. “You’re just one itty-bitty peach, and we’re ponies! We eat peaches like you every day!”

“You what?” Peach Lord shouted.

“Oh Pinkie, please be quiet,” Twilight begged, holding a hoof to her face.

“Why, I like having a peach in the morning myself,” Pinkie explained, “and then maybe another in the afternoon. I keep the skin on them, of course, because Mrs. Cake says that’s healthy for you. But sometimes I peel the skin off if we’re going to make peach cobbler, peach pie, peach punch, peach cake, peach ice cream, peach cookies, peach muffins, peach cupcakes—”

“Enough!” Peach Lord shouted, jumping so high up in the air he was eye to eye with Pinkie—if he had eyes, that is. “Your crimes against peach kind are worse than I though! All of you ponies shall now pay for what you have done to my people!”

“Yeah, well, you’re still forgetting the army part I pointed out,” Pinkie reminded him, crossing her arms with a confident grin on her cheeks.

“No, I didn’t,” Peach Lord said.

Peach Lord was suddenly surrounded by the same purplish magic that Twilight used to accidentally create him in the first place. Out of his fuzzy flesh sprouted vines, which immediately implanted themselves into the ground around him. Vines gave way to bark, the bark giving way to branches, which then gave way to bright green leaves and finally flowers.

A full bloom peach tree had grown before the pair in a matter of seconds. Both Pinkie and Twilight were left stunned by how quickly the tree had grown.

The middle of the tree parted ways, the bark breaking open to reveal a gaping black maw of a mouth where sap and peach juices dripped out. “Now then,” the Peach Lord spoke, two branches sprouting from his sides to transform into arms. The Peach Lord’s new tree body groaned, until the roots broke away with the ground as he took a step forward, “about that army.”

The blooming flowers scattered throughout the Peach Lord’s branches started to shake and convulse. From them grew at great rates were peaches, dozens sprouting in only a few short moments. When they were fully grown, they fell to the ground, already rolling around and splitting open their pit filled mouths.

“I am sure this will suffice,” the Peach Lord laughed, peaches continuing to fall from his branches. Even more peaches took root in the ground, growing at ecstatic rates to fully grown trees.

Already peaches rolled throughout the Ponyville area, attacking ponies and taking bites wherever they could. One stallion in particular ran past Twilight and Pinkie, multiple peaches attached to his mane and chest. “The pits! The pits won’t just stop!” he screamed, rolling along the ground in an effort to remove the carnivorous peaches. “The piiiiiiiiiiiits!”

“Peach Lord, you don’t have to do this!” Twilight yelled, just before she was silenced when the Peach Lord squeezed all the air out of her lungs when he grabbed her and Pinkie.

“We can always eat oranges instead!” Pinkie pointed out. Peach Lord silenced her by making her eyes bulge out.

“The only things I want to eat,” Peach Lord said, holding both ponies closer to his splinter filled jaws, “are ponies!”

“Oh man, why does every magic spell I try out have to end in the town being destroyed?” Twilight asked, just as she was being held high above the peachy maw of doom.

“Stop right there, partner!” a mysterious voice yelled from behind the Peach Lord.

Turning around, Applejack stood right in the center of peach created anarchy. As ponies ran right and left with the peaches merciless in their attack, she remained calm and collected, casually throwing up and down an apple in her hoof.

“What is this?” the Peach Lord laughed. “Another pony wanting to be eaten by me?”

“The only thing that’s gonna be eaten is dirt after I smack your fat gullet into the ground!” Applejack replied back, narrowing her eyes.

Lifting both of his pony prizes high in the air, the Peach Lord said, “I have two of your kind in my possession, your entire town under siege, and enough peaches to take over the entire world!” Pointing to Applejack, the Peach Lord asked, “So, what can you do to stop me?”

“I reckon I can beat ya quite easy, matter of fact,” Applejack replied nonchalantly, taking a bite from her apple.

“You and what army?” the Peach Lord asked.

“Ooh, ooh, here’s where the ironic part happens!” Pinkie shouted excitedly.

Smiling, Applejack lifted up her apple for view. It too was smiling, a grin filled with sharp and pointy seeds filling its maw. Whistling with her hoof, the sound of thunder could be heard in the distance.

“Partner, I think ya ain’t got no idea who you’re messin’ with. See, I’m a member of the Apple family. And if there’s one thang us apples have plenty of…” Over the horizon, just entering the streets of town could be seen trees. Not the peach trees now terrorizing Ponyville, but apple trees. Old, strong and wise, they marched down the streets and rounded the corners, outnumbering the peaches ten to one, “is apples. A whole heapin’s of apples!”

The apple trees lined up before the rampaging peach trees, lining up in perfect unity. The peach trees and peaches stopped in their tracks and stared at the wooden line up of apple trees, the mere presence of them an intimidating presence. The two enemies stared down at one another, one strong in unity and the other cowering before their not-so-impressive odds.

“Now then, ya gonna let my friends go or not?” Applejack asked, tossing the now alive apple in her hoof as it bit at the air eagerly.

Laughing, the Peach Lord took a step forward. “While your army is impressive, it is no match for my forces!” Pointing to new trees growing quickly out of the ground, he said, “I can regrow whatever forces I lose to yours a hundredfold!”

“You’re underestimatin’ how tough an apple can be,” Applejack warned, tipping her stetson.

“Apples are no better than tomatoes in my book. In fact, tomatoes are better. At least they count more as a fruit than apples ever did!”

Applejack frowned, along with every tree in the vicinity rustling with pure hatred. “Partner,” she began, holding the peach behind her back, “dem’s fightin’ words!”

“Bring it on!” the Peach Lord commanded, waving Pinkie and Twilight in his hands until the two ponies felt nauseous. “I’ll clobbler you so hard, I’ll make applesauce!”

Applejack charged with her apple army, while the Peach Lord brought to the forefront a force of undeniably peachy assaulters! It was a battle of epic proportions, that’s for sure; apple against peach, seeds against pits, pomes against drupes, all pitted against one another to fight to the death.

“Heya everypony!” Pinkie shouted, waving her hoof in joy.

Twilight looked around, shocked. “Whoa, what happened?”

“Well duh, Twilight, we’re saying hi,” Pinkie reminded her, continuing to wave cheerfully.

“Saying hi to who?” Twilight asked, looking in the direction Pinkie is waving at. “And where are we? Weren’t we just with the Peach Lord as the big battle was about to commence?”

“Well, yes, but said battle is especially gruesome and grisly, and may not be appropriate for some of our younger viewers in the audience. Which is why we’re going infomercials instead!”

“Audience? Young viewers? Infomercials?” Twilight repeated, her mouth hanging open. “Pinkie, what are you even talking about?”

“What I’m talking about is gak!” Pinkie said, lifting up a pile of sticky goo in her hooves. “Or rather, I should say what I’m ‘gaking’ about.”

“Where did you even get that stuff?” Twilight asked, poking the strange liquidy yet still solid material.

“Doesn’t matter. What does matter is getting the good people at home to buy this stuff before we sell out!” Pinkie explained. Squishing it in her hooves, she spread the gak out far apart so that it would drip down. “It’s the incredible squishable, squashable squeezable, stretchable bounceable, ploppable poppable stuff! It’s gak!”

“Um, Pinkie, don’t you think the fight going on for the safety of Ponyville from an evil army of peaches I accidentally caused is more important right now?” Twilight asked.

“But Twilight, think of the ratings!” Pinkie said, sticking her head through the stretched out gak to make her face appear green and blobby. “We’ll be rich!”

“Not if we end up dead!”

Pinkie sighed. “Ugh, fine, we’ll take a look.”

The peach tree held the cart high above its head, right as it was about to throw it at the cowering family of ponies trembling before it.

“Die, meatsacks!” it screamed, just a wooden fist punched itself through its chest.

An apple tree stood behind it, digging its arms deep into the peach tree. With a terrifying rip and a snap, the peach tree was torn asunder, peach juices flying everywhere as the sticky sap coated the apple tree’s arms as it cried a ferocious roar of victory.

“Oooookie dokie lokie, then. Things are still on the violent side,” Pinkie said, green gak still covering her face.

“Then shouldn’t we do something?” Twilight asked.

“Or, we can play with some gak!” Twilight got an entire hoofful of the sticky substance right across her muzzle. “Tons of fun for everyone!”

“Ugh, Pinkie, it’s in my nose!” Twilight screamed, wiping furiously at the gak sticking to her mouth. Stopping suddenly, Twilight opened her mouth, inhaled a great deep breath, and sneezed. Two large gak bubbles were produced from her nostrils, appearing to be snot.

Pinkie popped both of them, covering Twilight’s head and mane further is a green gooey mess. “Gak attack!”

“Pinkie!”

“And now back to our regular broadcast, folks!”

The peach army lay decimated. Peaches were crushed into squishy pulp underfoot. Trees had their bark flailed off or their timbers ripped apart, appearing like they had been murdered by a vicious group of lumberjacks. A few apples trees stuck around to squash and pummel any that remained alive.

However, the battle was not so easily won.

Peach Lord was still standing, at at least three times the size than before. He held back the apple army with powerful swings and stomps of his monstrous roots, while Pinkie and Twilight were still held in his clutches.

“I just wanted to turn apples into oranges!” Twilight cried, holding back whatever was in her stomach as she was swung around when the Peach Lord punched an apple tree into sawdust. “Why does everything have to go wrong?”

“Wheeeeee!” Pinkie shouted, waving her hooves as she was brought overhead. “This is the most fun ever!”

“Don’t worry, Twi, I gotcha!” Applejack yelled, standing up in the branches of the tallest apple tree. Swinging her rope round and round her head, she threw it to the Peach Lord’s arm holding Twilight. Successfully snagging it, Applejack pulled with all her might and managed to tip the Peach Lord over, causing him to release Twilight.

As Twilight fell screaming to the ground, she was caught in the strong branches of the tree Applejack was in. “So, ya got any idea how to get rid of this here peach menace?” Applejack asked, wincing as she saw one of her apple trees go flying from a backhand assault.

Shaking from the sudden leap, Twilight said, “I-I don’t! All I did was turn an apple into a peach!”

“Now why in tarnation would ya do somethin’ like that?”

“It was supposed to be an orange!” Twilight hastily replied, dragging a hoof through her mane. “But then Pinkie distracted me, and it turned into a peach instead.”

“Well, looks like she’s got the distractin’ thing down alright,” Applejack said, pointing high in the Peach Lord’s branches.

Pinkie was now swinging happily on the rope Applejack had used to grab the Peach Lord’s arm, yelling, “If only I had a tire swing!”

“Get off me, you infernal worm!” the Peach Lord commanded, trying to smack Pinkie out of the air.

“Well, Twi, there’s only one way I can see ya stopping this big ol’ fruity beast.” Applejack stared at Twilight right in the eyes. “Ya gotta eat it, pit an’ all.”

“That entire tree?” Twilight asked in amazement.

“Nah, just the original peach,” Applejack replied, shrugging. “If it was the thang that caused all this ruckus, it makes sense gettin’ rid of it is the only way to defeat it.”

“But it tastes so disgusting!” Twilight gagged, grimacing. “Hard and sour and not even really sweet! How am I supposed to eat all of that down to the pit?”

“Well, if ya don’t, then we’re doomed,” Applejack pointed out. In the time they were talking, the Peach Lord had grown larger still, wrecking through the apple trees like they were toy soldiers.

Twilight gulped and shivered. “Fine, fine, I’ll do it.” Holding a hoof over her eyes and peering closer, she said, “But how am I even supposed to get up to him?”

“Got ya covered, sugarcube,” Applejack said, tapping on the bark of the tree. A hand reached out and grasped Twilight hard, bringing her behind its back in preparation of a throw. “Good luck!” Applejack yelled at Twilight once the apple tree sent her flying through the air.

“I haaaaaaaaate peeeeeeeeeeeeaches!” Twilight shouted at the top of her lungs as she flew through the air like a boulder dropping from a cliff. Before she could react, she hit the topmost branches of the peach tree with a painful thunk, the entire front side of her face creating a dent in the bark.

Picking herself up and shaking her head, Twilight noticed an opening into the bark of the peach tree. Walking into it, she muttered, “Ugh… where’s that peach?”

“Looking for me, fleshsack?” the Peach Lord asked from within the most inner confines of the tree. The small room was covered in vines, all connected to the Peach Lord. Smiling a devious grin Twilight had originally created on him, he said, “You are too late to stop me, Twilight. Soon, I shall take root throughout the lands! My peach army shall arise new and stronger than ever! The entire world shall tremble before my might and bow down before my greatness! Muhahahahahaha!”

“You know, for a peach, you’re not that sweet,” Twilight pointed out, slowly inching her way into the room. “You’re more bitter. And a bit on the sour side.”

“Lies!” the Peach Lord yelled, barring his pits. “I am the sweetest, most succulent peach in the entire world! Nothing is more peachy than the Peach Lord!”

“I beg to differ,” Twilight said with a smirk. “In fact, I beg to say you’re the most revolting, disgusting, unpleasant tasting and down right icky peach I’ve ever tried.”

“You fool! Have you not tasted perfection? Looked upon the flesh of excellence? I am the most glorious peach that ever shall or ever will exist, and that is final! Final!”

“Well, only one way to prove that,” Twilight said, quite close to the Peach Lord now. She had been closing in the distance between them ever so slowly so he wouldn’t notice. Reaching out and ripping him off his vines, Twilight stuck him in her mouth and immediately began to chew and chomp on its hard insides.

Finally, with a last gulp that contained the pit, Twilight gagged and swallowed the Peach Lord all down. “Well, you’re sour, even in death.” Twilight shrugged. “Eh, and melodramatic as well.”

The tree shook at its roots. Twilight was suddenly flung against a wall, smacking into it hard. Without the Peach Lord, his new body was left empty and hollow with no one around to control it. Now seemed like the best idea to abandon ship.

In a flash of magic, Twilight reappeared outside the Peach Lord’s body using a teleportation spell just as the mighty tree fell. Once it was down, the apple trees cheered and triumphed over their victory.

Smiling, Twilight’s lips pursed as she realized something. “Wait a minute… why didn’t I teleport in the first place?”

Her question was left unanswered as Applejack came running to her, yelling, “Twi, Twi! Are ya alright!”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Twilight replied, waving her hoof. “The Peach Lord is currently being digested in the confines of my stomach, so I don’t think he’ll be bothering anyone ever again.”

“Thank goodness,” Applejack said, taking a quick glance around town. Broken peach and apple trees were scattered here and there along the roads. Ponies remained cowering in their homes or under carts. And, of course, the Peach Lord’s corpse was about as big as a house by now, and would probably need to be rid of. “Sure got a huge mess to clean up.”

“Again, all because of me,” Twilight sighed, disheartened at another clean up job she was entirely responsible for.

“Ah shucks, sugarcube, it ain’t all your fault,” Applejack reassured her. “It’s partially Pinkie’s as well.”

“That’s right!” Twilight said. Smiling cheerfully now, she asked, “By the way, where is Pinkie Pie?”

“Just bugging the apple trees,” Applejack replied with a frown. In the background, Twilight spotted Pinkie clammering onto the branches of the apple trees, jumping from branch to branch like a pink monkey. The apple trees didn’t seem to enjoy it.

“Actually, Applejack, I wanted to ask you something about that. How exactly can your trees do…” Twilight pointed her hoof at a couple walking right to them, “that?”

“What? Ya mean walkin’ and talkin’?” Applejack asked with a snort. “They’ve always been able to do that.”

“Yes, but why?”

“Heck if I know. All I know is that apple trees grown by the Apple family can do all this stuff.” Applejack tapped her chin. “Why exactly, I ain’t got a clue.”

“So, they can just come alive whenever you want them to?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah. Ooh, but there’s still that thing!”

“What thing?” Twilight implored, engrossed with their conversation.

“Every Apple family member has gotta sacrifice their firstborn to the apple trees, or else we won’t get a good apple harvest and we’ll lose our ability to grow such fine apple trees,” Applejack explained casually.

Twilight took a step back, stunned. “You what?”

“Now, it ain’t what ya think, Twi,” Applejack said, holding her hoof up defensively. “We don’t actually sacrifice our firstborn. It’s more like they become ‘one’ with the apple trees. Not really so bad.”

Twilight groaned. “Applejack, what in Celestia’s name are you even talking about?”

“An Apple family firstborn becomes one with the trees. Pretty simple.” Applejack perked up when the group of trees came into view. “Heya Jonamac!”

One apple tree in particular waved to Applejack. “Heya Jack! Quite a fight today, huh? Can’t wait to see ya back on the farm!”

“You too, big bro!” Applejack replied cheerfully, just as the apple tree disappeared over the ridge. Turning to the open jawed Twilight, Applejack said, “What?”

“Who was that?” Twilight asked, pointing to the apple tree that had just left the pair.

“Duh, Twilight, my older brother Jonamac,” Applejack said with a roll of her eyes. Walking away from Twilight, she called over her shoulder, “Ya gotta get with the program, Twi.”

Twilight tried to come up with a reply, but could only sputter out random words or phrases. Finally, as Applejack disappeared over the ridge, Twilight muttered, “I really, really hate peaches.”

“Gak is back!” Pinkie cried out, slapping a gooey ball right into Twilight’s faces.

“And especially gak!”