One hundred and one ways to kill Rarity
Finding pleasure in the little things
Twilight grunted with irritation as she furrowed her beautifully shaped eyebrows and once again looked over the universal manual for how to feed a baby Phoenix without the risk of burning herself. Her task was getting more and more frustrating as time passed but then she thought about the time when she offered to try to help Spike feed Peewee who recently developed anemia. From Fluttershy’s expertise, she knew that if they did not do anything he would starve which was not an option for her, for she would hate to see her number one dragon assistant heartbroken over the loss of his beloved pet.
With a slow sigh, she looked tiredly around her location and saw that both Peewee and Spike were nowhere in her sight.
“Typical, try to help somedragon and they turn against you. Spike! Come out and help me, damn it. Don’t want poor, Peewee to die from starvation do you?’ her clear voice resounded around the library’s lobby but the response never came, no matter how long she waited for it.
It was then, that with the corner of her amethyst colored eye, she noticed a small piece of paper. Trotting closer to it, the unicorn bend her neck to make out the tiny characters but she already had her suspicions about what was inside. What greeted her eyes was Spike’s writing no doubt about it, as the neat characters presented themselves before her.
Gone to Rarity’s, be right back before dinner. DO NOT attempt to cook, I’ll make it when I return.
After reading this one, short, innocent sentence, the librarian could feel her anger flaring up instantly, nearly setting her mane aflame as she grinded her teeth in frustration. It wasn’t because of the fact that Spike once again pointed out that she couldn’t cook at all, the reason was different. Nopony was aware of it, but Twilight Sparkle had a big crush on her number one assistant for some time now and everytime he went to that materialistic whore, she felt like trashing up the whole library.
Fortunately for her, she had a way to vent her anger in more productive way. Using her magic, Twilight casted a quick spell which moved aside one of the Golden Oak Library’s bookshelves and just behind it, there was a secure storage that even Spike never knew about. It was there, that she hid her most precious and most devilish creation… the book dedicated to gathering best ways to kill off Rarity if the need arises. Today, she decided to read it again and add one more entry while Peewee sat on her shoulder which she was unaware of by this point.
Levitating the book, she set it before herself as she trembled and fumed with anger. It was only when her eyes landed on first characters that she began to gradually calm down, her bookwormish nature taking over as she drowned between the pages of her own creation.
CHAPTER 1 - Death by flames
- Roasting Rarity in library’s fireplace
- Burning Rarity at stake
- Setting fire to Rarity’s boutique when she is asleep.
- Burning Rarity with hot metal rod
- Pouring molten iron over Rarity’s face
- Dropping Rarity into lava (Twi note: Slowly)
- Teleporting Rarity to dragon’s nest
- Burn Rarity and her dresses with flamethrower
- Ask Princess Celestia to burn Rarity
10.Teleport Rarity onto the sun.
Re-reading this first chapter made Twilight mouth adorn a soft, beautiful smile, for she really took comfort in those visions no matter how gruesome they might seem to anypony. It wasn’t out of hate that she created this book, she simply vented her frustration on these pages… but it would be a lie to say that she wouldn’t enjoy one of those scenarios happening, even if Rarity was a friend that she was jealous about.
She often wondered if it made her a bad friend but those thoughts were almost always quickly shoved aside when familiar image of certain purple dragon found her way into her imagination. She loved him deeply, not only for his matured, handsome body but also for his kind character, for always being there for her when she needed somepony, or somedragon in this case. The very thought that the white unicorn could steal him away send her over the edge, the cold hand of fear gripping and twisting her heart into shapeless mass.
Resuming the task of reading the ‘evil’ book, she started to look at chapter two, which she enjoyed for it was really scientific and she just adored those possibilities.
CHAPTER 2 - Death by electricity
- Attach metal rod to Rarity and send her into the storm.
- Electroduce Rarity with electric prod in her rectum
- Use electric chair to fry her.
- Push Rarity onto electric fence.
- Foce Rarity’s horn into a socket
- Throw a hair dryer inside Rarity’s bathtub
- Sabotage electric installation in her home, to explode it.
- Plug Rarity’s doorknob to high voltage.
- Sabotage Rarity’s sewing machine to explode from overload.
- Throw Rarity into aquarium full of electric eels.
After reading number twenty, the unicorn felt her lips becoming dry, so she quickly got up from her comfortable couch and went over to kitchen. She wasn’t a great cook, truth be told, she was even capable of burning water as Spike often put it and the dragon set strict rules that forbade her to touch anything she could destroy… but there was one simple thing she could do and that was making a coffee.
Believe it or not, it wasn’t a simple, ordinary coffee. No. Twilight Sparkle’s coffee was something to be proud off, it was always perfectly made, her pedantic nature demanding of her to make it just right. Her friends were often amazed at her high skill in creating the dark liquid and Rainbow Dash even went as far as calling it the most awesome thing in her life, second only to flying.
Twilight knew really well the value of her coffee, she was a true master in making it and she was sure that even Fluttershy would kill violently to get her hooves on it, if she was offered the delicious liquid in return. She even went as far as creating a theory that it might have been her second greatest talent, a possible, unmanifested Cutie Mark somewhere deep inside her.
After the purple unicorn finished, she returned to her book, but before she exited the kitchen, she grabbed a big sized peach. Setting the steaming cup and the tasty fruit near her, atop the small table after taking a small sip, the delicious taste filled her mouth.. With renewed vigor, she returned to her lecture, her anger no longer present, replaced by a simple need to enjoy a good book that she started, right before Peewee decided to fly off her shoulder and away from her, left to his own devices.
CHAPTER 3 - Death by poisoning, illness and acid usage
- Give Rarity poisonous food.
- Exchange the content of her face cosmetics with acid.
- Throw Rarity into the bathtub full of acid.
- Poison Rarity with rare virus
- Coat Rarity’s sewing needles with deadly poison.
- Use poison darts to get rid of Rarity.
- Poison Rarity’s water source.
- Conjure the cloud of acid above Rarity’s head.
- Poison her alcohol
- Throw acid ball at Rarity’s face.
While reading next chapters, Twilight slowly sipped the coffee and proceeded to eat the tasty peach… it was truly the greatest fruit in all of Equestria, of course saying that to Applejack was out of question. The hard working Earth Pony was already offended by this new product which quickly gained popularity. In her opinion it was “Worst enemy of Mah apples!” as she often said in recent days.
CHAPTER 4 - Death by hired help
- Make Flash Sentry eat Rarity.
- Hire a hit creature to assassinate Rarity.
- Ask Iron Will to strangle Rarity.
- Make Derpy deliver a bomb to Rarity’s shop.
- Make Trixie change Rarity into bug and stomp her.
- Teleport Rarity to Diamond Dogs so they can have their revenge.
- Ask Rarity to watch Cutie Mark Crusaders, attempt to get knife throwing Cutie Mark.
- Bribe Discord with promises of the Alicorn Amulet if he kills Rarity violently
- Make Zecora give Rarity potion that will kill her.
- Ask Luna to send Rarity into deep space.
A yawn escaped her lips as she tried to shake down her drowsiness. Compared to other ponies, after drinking a coffee, she wasn’t more energized, instead getting drowsy. Concentrating on her horn, she casted a simple recovery spell, which she often used when her studies left her deprived of sleep. Of course, using this spell would mean that she will have to sleep a little more to recuperate herself fully but right now she didn’t care much.
Feeling the wave of refreshing magic wash over her and making the drowsiness vanish, she smiled once again and resumed reading, her sharp eyes looking over letters.
CHAPTER 5 - Death by magic
- Conjure up Incubus and send him to Rarity.
- Create a golem and send him out to kill Rarity.
- Blast Rarity with magic.
- Send Rarity to the Nightmare Realm (King Sombra’s door)
- Disintegrate Rarity and her home.
- Crush Rarity with Tom. (Twi note:This is my favorite!)
- Rip off Rarity’s head with telekinesis.
- Overload Rarity’s brain with telepathy.
- Sacrifice Rarity in magic ritual.
- Send Rarity to another world using a certain mirror.
CHAPTER 6 - Death by suffocation, pressure or excessive air.
- Drown Rarity.
- Strangle Rarity.
- Crush Rarity’s neck and watch her suffocate.
- Make oxygen-free space around Rarity’s head.
- Put air pump inside Rarity’s stomach and watch her bloat.
- Teleport Rarity to the bottom of the ocean and watch her get crushed by pressure.
- Throw Rarity from very high and watch her collide with the ground.
- Change gravity for Rarity and watch her fall out of the world.
- Put plastic bag around Rarity’s head and watch her suffocate.
- Teleport Rarity inside a tornado.
“I am T to the W-I-L-I-G-H-T and ain’t no other pony troll it down like me, I’m Twilightlicious” She sang to no one, for she was all alone in the empty library. She often did some random things that could be considered embarrassing by others but it was her hidden nature. Even she needed to vent up the excessive energy which accumulated in her after days of sitting in one place and reading.
Twilight often wondered what Spike would think of her if he saw her sing silly stuff like this or eat cucumber slices with ketchup and butter or jump around the library like a filly. That last one actually happened with witnesses, when she was telling the Cutie Mark Crusaders the story of how she achieved her own Cutie Mark. She dreaded to think what the poor, purple reptile would do if he ever found out that she had a habit of sniffing his blanket and falling asleep in his old basket which he overgrown some time ago and which was really too small for her.
Shaking her head out of her daydreaming, she decided it would be best if she continued reading...afterall, Spike might return any moment now, and she really wanted to finish.
CHAPTER 7 - Death by luck
- Make Rarity break her neck after eating a yummy banana (Twi note: I love bananas)
- Ask Rarity to meet up in dark alley and hope that she will be killed by somepony.
- Make Rarity stand under tree during storm.
- During winter, ask Rarity to jump up and down on the frozen lake.
- Hope that she kills herself.
- Pray to Celestia that a comet will fall down on Rarity.
- Wish for Big Mac being a psychopath and that Rarity will be his next victim.
- Hope that an apple cart will run over Rarity.
- Wish that she will be attacked by Timberwolves.
- Hope for a gas leak in her home.
CHAPTER 8 - Death by weapons and tools
- Stab Rarity to death with knife.
- Chop off Rarity’s head with woodcutter's axe.
- Hammer nails into Rarity’s head.
- Drill into Rarity’s skull with a rusty screwdriver
- Sever Rarity’s head using scythe.
- Shoot Rarity with a slinger.
- Whip Rarity with a steel chain.
- Saw Rarity’s body in half and pour a bag of salt over the wound
- Smash Rarity’s face with a club.
- Cut Rarity’s skin off with a pair of scissors.
As Twilight neared the end of her letter, she wanted to take another sip of her coffee, only to find that the cup is already empty. Frowning, she placed it once again on the table and resumed reading, figuring that it would be pointless to stop when she was nearing the end.
CHAPTER 9- Death by Friends
- Have Rarity be feasted on by Fluttershy’s animal friends
- Tell Pinkie to stuff Rarity’s mouth with cupcakes until she dies.
- Pay Rainbow Dash to take Rarity high into the sky and drop her
- Tell Applejack to kick Rarity in head with all her strength.
- Ask Luna to torment Rarity with nightmares so she dies in her sleep.
- Make Fluttershy stare Rarity to death.
- Ask Spike to send Rarity’s head to his adopted mother using his flame.
- Ask Owlwicious to kill Rarity.
- Make Rainbow Dash perform Sonic Rainboom close to Rarity to blast her.
- Ask Applejack to fell a tree atop Rarity.
BONUS CONTENT
- Send Rarity to Tartarus with the help of Sombra or Chrysalis
Just when she finished reading, the doors to the library swung open so quick and with so much force that she nearly jumped above the ceiling because of sudden shock. Eyes wide, her purple pupils landed on the frame of a not-so-happy looking familiar dragon, who stormed inside the building. Surpassing her own smile, Twilight then asked with concern.
“Hey...I guess, it didn’t go as planned?”
Snapping his head into her direction Spike eyed his roommate sharply, starling her in the first few seconds but soon, his features relaxed visibly and he decided to come over while wearing apologetical expression.
“Yeah, I don’t know why I even bother.” He heaved a sigh, seating himself on the couch and soon, as expected, felt Twilight’s forelegs wrap him in tight hug, a scenario more than familiar to him.
“I’m sorry, I know how hard you try…” She cooed softly, whispering near a place where she assumed his ear would be, if he was a pony. This was common for the duo, Spike’s return, her comforting him… however, this time the dragon would surprise her.
“Maybe I should move onto some other mare.” He said, not looking at Twilight, but if he did he would see her eyes shrink in silent anger. Still, she decided to continue playing nice.
“Do you have somepony in mind?” She asked, nervousness in her stomach growing with every second, wondering who will become the new object of her jealousy.
“There is this one mare that I keep finding asleep in my old basket when I return home. She sometimes eats strange stuff, sings random songs and does other silly acts when she thinks I’m not around.” Said the dragon calmly, trying to sound as serious as possible, but if one were to look into his clear emerald eyes, there would be a glint of mischief shining brightly.
Turning his green spiked head towards the purple unicorn, he smirked upon noticing her, sitting on a couch with her mouth opening and closing, unable to utter even a single word… an action unusual to the talkative student that his adoptive mother tutored.
Without a word he slowly brought his head towards her own and gave her a small but gentle kiss on her lips which still held the taste of perfectly made coffee and the peach from earlier.
Pulling away, he winked at her before chuckling “So tell me my lavender rose, what were you up to this morning?” He asked softly looking at the closed book near her, wondering at it’s content as she only blushed.
“Oh, you know….just a little reading is all.” she answered with a small grin before leaning her head on his scally shoulder as they two enjoyed the small comfort of the other, right before Peewee accidentally set Twilight’s tail on fire.
Author's Note
Don't lie to yourselves, you all knew it was only a matter of days before I wrote something like this, I did not write all of this, that goes to my co-author. Hate it, love it, burn it with a flamethrower, does not matter....enjoy.
