PonyFall:Adventures in Chaos

by Draequine

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 90328

Part of a Self-insert colab

Traveling with Discord is anything but average, especially when you've got some mental baggage.
Your best hope is to go with the flow, and keep the show on the road.

(Beware:Cursing in this fic.)
(Beware:Chapters are prone to radical changes.)
(~Don't get me started on those dream sequences.~)
(Chapters with (DANGER ZONE) are being rewritten. Read at your own risk.)

Published 2012-03-20 05:04:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-22 05:13:26 UTC

Chapter One: The Crazy Ones (DANGER ZONE)

Chapter One
April 13th 2012

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."-Jack Kerouac

I wake up surrounded by various clothes and junk that, to be frank, I refuse describe in any clear detail. The dirty eggshell white ceiling of the room greets me. I roll out of bed, over a few of my books and other paraphernalia, and rub the sleep from my eyes. I consider just going back to bed for a few more hours.

~Go ahead, crawl back into the bed, its not like you are going do anything today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. Or ever for that matter.~

The little voice in my head gives me my.

I sigh despondently.

Three months after I had stopped going to school I had begun to start talking to myself. From there on it was a steady decline into my current lifestyle, that of a recluse, shunning society in favor of the soul numbing escape from reality that is the internet.

Then came the self-narration, which I rather believe is rock bottom in these circumstances.

Sure my dad dislikes the fact that I never get out anymore, but he doesn't really do anything about it aside from having a few stern words with me in hopes that I will snap out of this rut of mine. Which I highly doubt of course

I know that I may have fudged up my life something fierce, but with each passing day I find it harder and harder to give a damn. Even my sweet succor, the computer makes me feel like I am going through the motions as I click the Stumble-upon button and navigate about the web like a nomadic Welshman. It's not my computer mind you, my dad commandeered that one for his own disgusting purposes.

Now that I have summarized my life so far, I'm going to act like a ferret.

"Oink." I don't know what ferrets sound like.

Sometimes I daydream. Okay, I daydream most of the time. It's one of my other escape routes from reality, escape from the daily humdru-

"Sweet spleens and sausages!" Gah! Lego blocks are the work of Satan! I am going to clean this room.

~No you aren't.~

Shut up I will to! Wait, what was I thinking about? Something about Sea Otters? I don't really care enough to try to remember.

I lurch forward to the computer in the odd little gait I have assumed to travel my meager living quarters. Which consists of me lightly maneuvering my legs as hard as I can as I traverse the minefield that is the bedroom. I tumble into the chair and stare at the screen, unsure of what to do next. Shall I check Cracked.com? Maybe read some web comics?

~Does your brain have sponsors or something?~

I shake my head as my foot starts to throb.

It has been a 3 hours and I am so bored, and my foot still hurts.

~And you are still self-narrating. Stop it.~

Glancing at the time on the computer I see that it is around 11:30 Am. I get out of the chair to pace around a bit, hoping to walk the pain off. Doesn't work, but that doesn't stop me. I pretend I am ferret scurrying about the room, which keeps me entertained for a few more minutes.

This room feels unbearably stuffy. I'd open the window if I wasn't so sure that it would break from the slight. Opening the door instead, I walk out into the living room. The small table where the TV once sat is completely bare. I sold it too pay for video games. I pace around some more as I decide what to do next.

I Could just go back to the computer, or make myself a sandwich perhaps? Learn to speak backwards in German?

Any suggestions, me?

~Go back to the computer. It beckons you.~

Who am I to argue with the voice in my head? Back to the computer it is.

*Click*

Please don't tell me that was the power. Please don't.

~Ha ha hahaha, it was the power. You dad didn't pay the bill again. You have no one you can rely on. Especially yourself. Now crawl back to bed and assume the position.

Alright then I... You know what? No, I'm not going to go straight to bed. I am going to do something today. I'm going to go outside!

~You must be ill, no good can come of this. Go to bed.~

What do you know? Nothing that I don't, so shut up.

~See? You're breaking narration!

And that's a bad thing? Now, let me see. That fedora is only partly sticky, those pants only have a few holes, and this shirt still fits. My shoes should be around here some- Oh my god!

Bacon! Hello sexy delicious, have you met Mr.fridge yet? I'm sure you will be the best of friends. Oh, there's my shoes, but why are they in the kitchen sink? Whatever, they'll do.

Before I go out I check myself out in the mirror.

~Ah, that's more like it.~

My unbrushed, brown hair is a mess, I don't smell that good, and my current disposition makes me look and feel like a hooligan. I couldn't care less. I open the door that I have been ignoring for weeks now, and step through.

I squint my eyes. I'm barely able to see in the sunlight, having spent so long with flickering florescent lighting. Stumbling down the street, I do my best not to scowl. I brush my hand along one of the many murals that were to be found on this side of the downtown art district.

There are many perks to living in an art district. Scenic views, well-cleaned streets, and of course, cozy cafes' within walking distance. Cozy cafes' with internet, I think with a smile.

~You should really stop self-narrating. It's weird.~

I would if I could, but I can't, so I shan't.

I stop in front of the pair of giant, copper giraffe statues, my favorite decorations on this block. I crane my head to follow the network of welded seams that lead up the neck of the first giraffe.

*Flash!*

The sky is pink. Why is the sky pink? I'm sure it's not supposed to be pink.

~The end is nigh! The end is nigh! Quick! Go lick the giraffe!~

Now I can smell fudge. Why am I smelling fudge? Am I having a stroke? I'm having a stroke!

~ You should have licked the giraffe while you had the chance. Enjoy being a vegetable.~

...

Nothing else is happening. I don't appear to be convulsing... I could be hallucinating, but since this street is deserted I have no one to confer with about this. I'm sure I can rationalize this. The sky is pink because... aliens! Good enough for me, but what about the fudge? I am going to find this fudge!

~No you won't nutcase. There isn't any fudge to find.~

You could say that my interest is piqued, but that would be an -flash- understatement. I was consumed with the obsession of finding that treasure trove of aromatic -flash- fudge!

~It is probably going to be poisoned... Why would you even eat fudge that you just "Found"? ~

Damn that little voice, it's always against me! I'll show it! Errr... Me! -flash-

I follow the smell back up the street, each step a reminder of my foolish waste of energy. -*flash*- Why did I rush down street like that? Stupid stupid stupid!~stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid ect. ect. ect.~

Walking toward the statues expecting fudge, I let out a loud -flash- gasp of disappointment, for I saw no fudge! Nothing but... some dude planking on the left-most statue? ~He dare plank on sweet, dear Mangolia?? Stab that motherfucker!~

What the hell is wrong with me?

I am Intrigued, so I wait for him to slide off the statue. You never know, he might just be keeping a plate of fudge in that coat of his.

~ Oh, and he might have the cure to cancer in his sock! What a delusional twat~

If he doesn't have any fudge, then -flash- that's the weirdest case of B.O. I have ever smelled!

~ Is he even awake? Holy shit! He is not even conscious! Steal that sweet-ass coat of his!!~

But he's like a foot taller then me. Damn! And that coats not -*flash*- even a coat! Its like... some kind of hybrid abomination of evening wear and party duds.

~ Does that make it any less cool? He looks like a pretty old dude, I'm sure that even you could manage to overpower him.~

I am not going to rob an old dude! That's something I just won't do, Me!

~That's what you thought when you refused to punt that cat over that fence! Pussy!~

That was a kitten!-*flash*- fuck you, me! I'm going to wake this dude up, just to spite you.

I stare -flash- at this complete stranger. A stranger that, although smelling like the best fudge ever made, will probably stab me for waking him up from his weird sleeping spot.

Meh, I've made worse decisions.

Three flashes later I give out a strangled cough, and tip toe to the statue. I manage to get a closer look at his crazy ensemble. Is that a bath robe? High heels and an old fashioned boot. A Fingerless glove paired with an old timey driving glove. I can't find a single thing that matches on this dude!

Am I shaking? Why the hell am I shaking?! Oh cheese nuts I touched him! Oh damn, damn, damn! He is moving. He's moving! He is going to reach out and stab me!

-flash-

Or he could just fall off the statue. Okay, now he's moaning and he does sound pretty old, but not grand pappy old. More like a grizzled sensei I guess. I don't want that sweet ass coat anymore now if it means fucking with this guy.

~Pansy~

" Um, are you okay dude?" I wince at the sound of my voice. It sounded like a hung chicken foot scraping across the ground. Then I realize that this is the first conversation that I have initiated, by myself, with a complete stranger, for the first time since I have left school. FUCK! I can feel my throat clench shut -*flash*- like the anus of a fat prisoner who dropped the soap.

~That's strangely specific isn't it?~

Shut up, he's grumbling something!

"Confound these ponies, they drive me to such... Chaos!" He muttered, giving -*flash*- a low chuckle as he lays almost motionless. His eyes are still closed for some reason. I cough loudly. He rouses further out of his stupor. I lean closer to get a better look at his face...

~Alright here are some Pros and cons about this dude: He doesn't have any visible prison tats, so you got that going for you. He is too well groomed for a hobo, and smells like fudge to boot. The only things wrong with him are the fact that nothing he wears matches, and his coat is a patchwork of crazy fabrics.~

Yep, totally legit. I prod him with my sneaker. -flash- Shit his eyes are open now! And he looks... surprised? Why does he look like I just gave him a present? I back-track nearly tripping over a random granite statue. Where the hell did that statue come from?

"Ummm.... Hi?" I say awkwardly. ~Quick! Assert your dominance in this conversation! Fuck that giraffe!~ He is ignoring me, what the hell is up with this guy?

He begins to get up, but when he sat his eyes upon his clothes, he gave a small frown. Still ignoring me he pats his chest and looks at his hand with a mixture of disdain and intrigue, as if they weren't his own. ~Oh hell he's an alien. Or you are just reading way to much into this shit! Do you want to repeat that balloon boy incident?~

-*flash*-

"This won't do, no no no, this won't do at all," He said in a nonchalant yet unamused tone as he shakes his head. Staring into the pink sky, he lifts his arm and snaps his fingers. Oh-Fuck-a... lemon? For some reason that snap terrified me! ~ Maybe because your a sniveling coward? Yea, that just might be it.{~

-Flash-

What the snap did to me was nothing compared to what it did to the strange man. I could actually see the blood draining from his face. He sits up, staring at his now shaking hands. -*flash*- He began to snap his fingers furiously, snap snap snap! Each snap affected me less and less, but affected him more and more, until he had a full blown scowl across his face. Oh snap! He's a looney! ~Maybe he is just practicing for a role in Westside Story! Doesn't he just scream Jet? You should totally ask him about it!~

He stares at the -flash- sky. Is that smoke coming out of his ears? No, that is ridiculous, I am being stupid, but yes, he looks mighty pissed off for some reason. Perhaps if I just. stand. Completely. Still. Wait! It looks like he sto- Oh shit he's looking at me. Did he just notice me? I would have been irritated if I wasn't about to piss myself in terror.

"Well hello there... little... thing?" He said, giving me a look that looked like a mixture of gleeful interest and cold calculation. ~ And this is the part where I leave you to your horrific fate~ He is starting to get to his feet.

"I, um, er, uh" I stammer. What does one say in this kind of situation?-flash- He wobbles on his feet, taking an uncertain step in my direction.

"So what exactly -flash- are you?" said the weirdo calmly, as if we were having an interview or something instead of having this creepy ass encounter between two giraffes while the sky goes bat shit crazy above us. He takes another step... It looks like he is getting the hang of walking. The outcome of this conversation is starting to look bleak.

"I, er, Uh..." Strike two,-Flash- I begin to sweat bullets. He closes the gap between us with a few strange, lunging steps. He grabs my shoulder. By now I am beyond panicking, my eye starts to twitch.

"Whats wrong little thing? Manticore got your tongue?" he asked -flash- cheerfully, sounding curious as he tilted his head, but he was still looking at me with those hungry mismatched eyes. The smell of fudge intensified.-flash- How can someone that smells so delicious be so damn creepy? "Oh come now, Its not like I am going to bite you!" He exclaimed, but then he leaned his face closer to mine, flashing me the sharpest snaggle tooth I have ever seen. "Then again, I just might!" he says, laughing as he wrenchs my shoulder, sending me spinning toward the other giraffe. Colliding with it knocks the wind out of me.

He manages to close the distance between us before I could respond. For someone who could barely stand up awhile ago, he was a pretty freaking agile! "Ha! First encounters can be such fun! Wouldn't you agree?" He guffaws, and something just clicks in my head. Do I know this guy?! He feels so familiar.

"What's your name?" I ask, quite proud that I manage to form a coherent sentence. Looks like he was slightly taken aback by my question. Well... Not the question itself, but the fact that I managed to talk at all I guess.

"So it speaks, Amazing! Here I thought I was in the land of 'Duuuuuh'." Although they way he said it was admittedly hilarious, I couldn't help but be insulted.

"So dude, could you please tell me your name?" I asked again. All this weird shit has officially sucked all the fucks out of me. All of them!

"Well my little... 'dew-ed', I go by many names" he said as he began to walk in that strange lope of his around me, rattling off a list of terms that seemed to fit him to a 'T'. "Oh, I have been called a tyrant, a monster, a freak of nature, an abomination, a big meanie. You however-" I hear him -snap- his fingers behind me, causing me to flinch. I feel him grasp the back of my shoulders as he craned his head over mine until his face was just inches away from mine. I could smell his breath. It smells like... chocolate milk?? Oh balls.

"...can call me Discord!" He hisses through his smile, and then starts to laugh, laughing as if he had won a game ,or more likely, brought Frankenstein to life. The sky flashes back to its regular, dull pale blue for the last time. The smell of fudge vanishes from the air. And worst of all? ~What? No flash of lightning as he laughs? I certainly feel gypped!~

Laughing nervously, I say,"What", dumbly, as I smacked his hands away from my shoulders and turned to look at him smiling at me.

"I suppose that 'dew-eds' wouldn't know about the spirit of chaos would they?" he said in good humor.

"Humans." I say correcting him, realizing that he might actually be the spirit of chaos, humanized. ~He is just a crazy fucking hobo that passed out on a giraffe statue!~

"Hmm?" He tilts his head quizzically, his smile lessened.

"We are humans." I say in a deadpan voice, adding,"So, uhhh... I take it that you are the cause of the freaky pink flashes?" ~Oh, so your going to try to out crazy this hobo then? That is certainly a valid tactic!~

"You mean that flashing pink sky isn't natural?" I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not."Then this world is more boring then I thought. To answer your question, I suppose I am responsible for the flashing sky, and that fudge smell as well."

"Wait, So you smelt the fudge too", I gasp," So I'm not going crazy?" The foreign feeling of hope growing inside me.

"Perhaps you are, maybe you aren't.." Discord says as his eyes look up in thought, then he narrowed them at me, flashing another creepy smile." Who's to say your not?"

A wave of realization washes over me as my mind begins to rationalize this. This explains the flashing pink skies, the fudge, this hobo Discord... hell, it even explains my idiotic obsession with mangoes! ~ Nothing explains that and you know it.~ Everything makes so much sense now! It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The realist in me popped up and pointed out that my foot still hurt like the dickens, the buzz killer that it was. No problem then, I must be having really, really, really vivid hallucinations, most likely caused by internet withdrawal. I think I may have just a tiny addiction to it. ~They'll have to pry Miss Izzy from our cold, dead, atrophied fingers!~ Discord looks like he is taking great pleasure in my internal struggle in comprehending what is real and what isn't. Figment of my imagination or not, its time to knock him down a peg.

~ It is a manifestation of a part of your psyche, so technically you would be putting yourself down a notch wouldn't you?~

Arrrgghh! Go fuck mysel- errr... fuck.

Filled with the new found confidence gained from the knowledge that I was talking to a hallucination I say,"I haven't told you my name haven't I? It is Colonel Pimp Daddy Z. Ramses Akbar..." Discord snorts in frustration, probably dissatisfied that I adjusted to his little mindfuck so quickly. I poked him in the chest. "But you can call me Ashton." ~ Instant suave, just add crazy!~

I just realize something else... Have I been standing between two life-sized giraffe statues, basically talking to myself, for a good 30 minutes now? An intense heat forms on my face.Yep, I have been outside long enough for today. I see Discord straddling the copper giraffe. Make that for a week or two.

"How about we have a chat at my place?" I ask, trying to hide my silent pleading under the guise of nonchalance. He raises his eyebrows in surprise, possibly at the prospect that he is being invited by someone of their own free will perhaps?

His face shifts to mock horror as he says," I need an... Adult?"

"Well technically I am an adult" I say, biting my tongue to stop myself from laughing as I yank him off the statue and start jogging back to the apartment, sure that he can keep up.

Surprisingly, the walk was quiet. Discord seems to just be taking it all in, the new sights, sounds, and smells with a strange look on his face. It reminds me of the first time I adopted a cat, how it felt that it automatically owned all that it surveyed.

We reach the adobe apartments, and the alcove that led to the stairs leading up the shoebox that is my apartment. I swung wide the doors, knocking over the metal coat rack, which fell on the glass table, causing a crack as long as my arm to streak across its top.

Cursing the furniture gods, I grab a pile of clothes to cover the damage. I look back out the door to see that Discord wasn't trailing behind me. I sigh sadly as I turn to the empty roo- oh god he's on the table. The table was much to small to being laying so straight on. Well, That sorta reinforces the whole hallucination thing doesn't it? ~ No, You are just oblivious to most things. Like how much I truly loathe you.~

He looks at me with a sly smile. "Well, well, well 'Ashton', this place is pretty cramped, but the decor?" He gestured at all the junk that covered the floor. "Exquisite!" The table starts wobbling, but only for a second.

"Mmmhmm..." I nod as I walked to the kitchen, taking pains not to step on the slightly moist parts of the carpet. Dad has a tendency of ignoring ice cubes that find their way to the floor. I opened the fridge and pawed about in the darkness until my hand wraps around a can of coke. Sweet, delicious, sugary coke. I come out of the kitchen smiling, sipping from the can, since I am to lazy to rummage around the kitchen in the dark for a glass.

He is still laying on the table, but now he is reading a book, one of my own. It is one of the many manga that I own, a One Piece, and he was reading it the right way. Probably unintentionally for the most part. Realization dawns on his face, he wrinkles his nose in disgust as he tosses the book into a random pile. He turns to look at me.

I stare back at him. He stares at me. Then he broke the silence with a droning, "Well?"

"So how did you manage to get out of that stone prison a second time Discord?" I blurt out. Discords eyes widen in surprise. He fell from the small table with a thud. He looked up at me with a frazzled expression that lasted approximately three second before he pulls himself together and continued grinning, looking at me with renewed interest.

"You know more about me then I thought! How much do you know, I wonder..."

"Enough to know that the next couple of days are going to be interesting for me, to say the least." I murmur. "So tell, me, how did you get out this time? Did some fillies have quarrel? Because that would be plumb retarded of Celestia to put you back in the garden."

"Celestia isn't stupid Ashton, she had my statue placed in the lowest dungeon, in the deepest part of the Everfree forest, hidden behind not one, not two, but 47 false walls, which could only have been revealed when the 42 golden levers were switched on and the four headed statue of Armok was toppled." He said with a serious tone that was completely out of character for him. He stared at me with a serious expression, and then he burst into a fit of raucous laughter that scared the shit out of me! "Haha, no... She just placed me back on the same pedestal, in the same position, facing the same way for what she thought would be the next thousand years. What the spoil sport didn't take into account was The Unaligning."

"What, pray tell is "The Unaligning"?" I ask, encouraging him to spill the beans further.

Discord tsks, shaking his head before saying," But you know so much about me, and I know almost nothing about you!" He smirks. "Care to tell me a bit about yourself?"

I stare at him long and hard. I roll my eyes, saying," Well, let me get comfortable." I strip down to my underwear. He is generally unfazed by my disrobing. Thank the lord that he is only a hallucination. ~Its going to be so awesome when you finally realize that he is real, and actually a hobo who followed you home. It. Will. Be. Just. So. Amazing.~ "Well, I am one out of around... seven billion people." I gauge Discords reaction. He is freaking salivating.

"Think of all the chaos..." He whispers to himself in awe.

"Okay...." I say, not just a little weirded out. This hallucination didn't reflect well on my psyche, not well at all..." I have recently left school an-"

"BOOOORRRINGG!" Moans the figment of my imagination, dramatically face-palming as he slouches in leather chair to my left. "Fine..." He sighed," Since you are obviously an egghead of the highest caliber, I should probably get the story of how I got here out, least you lecture me to death before I can!"

"...And that's how Equestria was unmade!" He gasps for air, finally finishing his story.

I slurp my fifth coke as I process this exposition story. I hadn't paid a lick of attention to most of it. The few parts that I didn't tune out sounded like some kind of half-baked excuse for a fan fic revolving discord. When he had finished his definition of what "The Unaligning", which was basically the complete opposite of the stars aligning to awaken an elder god, which doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It gave Discord some kind of huge power boost, and being the spirit of chaos that he is it makes sense. That was when he had went into excruciating detail describing the "Fun" he had with all the inhabitants of Equestria.

Then he had finally encountered the mane si- er, "The Elements of Harmony", and, surprisingly, the two alicorn princesses. It seemed that this time they were going to put a stop to him... permanently. He had decided that he had enough of equestria and had used the rest of the magic gained from "The Unaligning" to cause a change of scenery for not just him, but every citizen, creature, denizen, and monster in Equestria. That's what he had said at least, but I wouldn't put it past him that this was some stupid mistake he made.

It was at this time I realized that my mind must have manifested a fanfiction for me to take part in. Maybe if I just ignore it, it will just go away eventually, maybe in a week or two. ~Oh Ashton, you are so deep in denial that its adorable!~

Discord looks expectantly at me. What the hell does he want now? Hasn't he pestered me long enough? I suppose I should keep him talking or something... I ask," So are there going to be other humanized equestrians on earth, or are you the only one here?"

He strokes his beard in thought before saying, "Maybe yes, perhaps not, after all, the magic I used was quite chaotic, extremely unpredictable you see, a good chunk of equestria may have came with me here, and spread across the globe, having a variety of... effects on my Passengers." He finishes, smiling wickedly. What a vague prick!

I sighed, taking his bait by saying," What do you mean by different effects?"

He smiles," Well at best they are going to wake up extremely nauseous. At worst however..." He starts waving his hand in a circle."They will wind up naked in a ditch somewhere, their heads frazzled by their journey. Take from that what you will." He pauses." You know what? I am quite certain I am not the only one from Equestria here!" My ears twitch with interest. "Yes, That granite statue looked eerily familiar didn't it?" He said to himself, smiling. That was Tom??? I caught myself falling for this figment's mind games. He is good! "So Ashton, what exactly do you do?" he asks plainly, probably expecting another dull answer from me.

I look him straight in the eyes. He flinches at the sudden stare before returning my gaze in full. You could cut the tension with a knife. I say to him solemnly," I am... A Wizard!" Flinging my arms in the air as a sudden flash of light appeared from behind me. Discord yelps and tumbles out of the chair temporarily cowed in fear. For all intents and purposes I had predicted the exact time that the power would be turned back on because I was an actual wizard. Not because I was sad and petty enough to calculate the exact time that it would be switched on again, and use that to my advantage to impress someone who wasn't even real. Nope, that is not me at all. Not even close!

I heard the thumping of feet stomping up the stairs, It was most likely dad, but I was nervous none the less. Discord, cowering behind the chair, shifted his gaze from me to the door, and back to me. He slowly got out of his hiding position. I hear a key turning a lock. The door swings open as my dad lumbers in. He was a sweaty mess, his five o'clock shadow was grimy from a hard days work.

"Fucking crazy weather today Ashton, fucking crazy flashing pink weather..." He grumbles, rubbing his eyes with his shirt sleeves. He looks up at me, and then turns his eyes to Discord. "Who the fuck is he?" He says surprised.

Something inside me clicks. The flashing pink sky. The smell of fudge. Discord. The fact that this was all so completely lucid. This was all real! I wasn't hallucinating, I wasn't in a coma. I was just being fucked with! In the ten awkward seconds that passes by, I slowly turns my head to face the definitely corporeal human form of Discord with a look of complete and utter rage.

Bam! Cliffhanger!

Chapter Two: Reality Check (DANGER ZONE)

Chapter Two
April 13th 2012

I feel like a deer caught in the head-lights of fate. This has got to be, hands down, the strangest day I have been through! Let's break this down:

(1.) I had actually went outside today. Completely out of character for me
(2.) The sky was flashing pink. PINK!!!
(3.) I smelled the overpowering scent of fudge. Fudge that I never did find.
(4.) I found this strange dude who called himself Discord, the Spirit of chaos, passed out, laying on a copper statue of a life-sized giraffe.
(5.) I believed that he was the real deal, and shortly afterwards, decided that he, and all the other weird shit that happened today were only a vivid hallucination.
(6.) Figment of my imagination or no, I still let him follow me home like some kind of stray, insidious puppy.
(7.) Which lead to where I am now. My dad has just burst through the door, to see me stripped down to my underwear with a complete stranger, who wasn't an hallucination conjured by my broken psyche, but an Asshole who managed to convince me that he wasn't real.

I feel so violated... It is as if destiny itself is leering at me with rape eyes.

It looks like I am going to just... fake it till I make it

Oh shit think of something! Thinkofsomethingthinkofsomethingthinkofsomthing! Ha! Genius! ~This isn't going to fucking work and you know it Ashton.~

I put on my best poker face as I give a small cough and gesture toward discord."Dad, I would like you to meet Herr Bafflebopfen Von Milenhauser, a photographer from Germany. He is going to be staying here for a couple of days to take pictures of the art district." I turn to give "Bafflebopfen" a stern stare before saying," He hardly speaks English."

Discord stares at the two of us, he then looks at me... He scrambles over himself as he mutters," Ja, wenn der Jesus Cannon den Stör von Stalin zerstört, gewinnen wir diesen Krieg!" He grabs a black handkerchief and wipes a bead of sweat from his forehead. He starts wildly gesturing, his hands frittering as he said,"Wenn Sie meine Fotographie mit dem Koloss Hogan nicht nehmen, diese Kamera verwendend, indem Sie 'KHAAAAAN schreien!!!' werde ich Ihre komplette Nation überwinden." He finished with a shaky smile, or atleast he tried to, since his snaggle tooth made his grin crazed and sinister.

Dad just looks at me. Oh shit he knows everything. Fuck! Oh god, he's smiling! He knows and now he is smiling! Arrggghhhh! He opens his mouth. He closes it, and then he opens it again. I see a glint of disappointment in his eyes. Wait... Does he think I'm- he says,"I am so proud of you son. I am glad that you made the initiative for once, even if it was so unexpected." He hugs me tightly before patting my head. "I am... Going to bed now. Try to keep quite." He sighed, staggering off into what was once my room. The door shuts with a muted thud.

"Ja, Deine Mutter ist ein schwein hund!" He says as he waves at the door before turning toward me. I have had Enough of these awkward silences! I storm out of the living room, heading into the room that I have been sleeping in for the past couple of months. Can't wait until dad relinquishes his hold over my room.

~Face it, this is your room. It has been ever since Dad started putting a sock on the doorknob to your old one.~

Get the fuck out of my head!

Murmuring expletives, I crawl into the chair in front of the computer. I press the power button on the tower to the computer, and feel it thrum to life. The stress melts away as the windows 7 logo greets me with its cheerful tune. "Whats that Ashton?" I heard discord say, his curiosity tinged with an almost alien humbleness that I didn't think he was capable of. Wow, I must have really convinced him that- Oh sweet lord I can't let him find out what this is! ~Wouldn't that entail avoiding the computer until this situation has been dealt with?

Coming to the obvious conclusion, I sigh, saying," I will tell you, but only if you tell me how you learned to speak German."

Discord leans back on the door, holding a slightly solemn expression on his face, which was quickly replaced with a small grin when he said, "That was a language?" He said in mock surprise." I was just throwing around random syllables and umlauts in my head and just saying what rolled off the tongue." He leans back on the door, looking at me. Looks like his cheekiness is back in full swing.

Frowning sharply I demand, "Come on, tell me! I'm curious now!" Discord rolls his eyes at me.

"For a wizard, you certainly aren't wise Ashton. I have been around for a few thousand years now, you would think I'd have picked up the odd few hundred tongues or so." He looks at the computer with curiosity again. " So what is it? Your magic box perhaps?" He nudged the tower with his finger

I am going to regret this soooo hard. "You could say it is a magic box that lets you read books, look at pictures, and listen to music, that kind of stuff."

"hmm" He hums, sounding uninterested in what is, in a sense, an entrance to a temple devoted to chaos. "So whats stopping you from just reading a book, looking at a picture, or going out and listening to music? Sounds pretty pointless if you ask me."

"Well..." I say, now irked." It is also connected to the internet." ~ You reaallly want him to find out don't you? No wonder you hear voices in your head~

"Oh another bookpony thing no doubt. I swear Ashton, you remind me so much of a certain lavender pony, except without the pesky friends. You don't have any friends, do you Ashton?"

~Stab him in the eye with a spoon~, the little voice in my head said randomly. I shake my head and turn to face Discord, who was now laying on the bed, a pile of junk piled up behind him. The stare he was giving me sent a shiver down my spine. "Umm..." I start feeling awkward again, trying to determine if the look he is giving me is a come-hither look, or, more hopefully, an I-will-kill-you-in-your-sleep look. ~The ice cream scooper is in the left drawer to right, just in case you forgot.~

"I thought as much." He said with a smile and a soft chuckle. "So why the whole loner persona Ashton? Does someone have issues? Someponys mommy didn't hug him enough?"

If he is trying to get me riled up, he is doing a piss poor job of it. Yep, I am a rock! I am going to- ~Cry in the shower for mommy. Again.~ " I liked to have friends when I was a little kid, but as I grew up, I guess I just got bored of people in general. Everything started feeling like I was just going through the motions with them. It started feeling mundane, like they were sucking all the fun out of life with all their pesky spats and idle chitchat, so I just started fading out from the scene, stopped talking to people, and just retreated in on myself. "

"Ah, A man after my own heart!" Discord exclaims with a gleeful grin. At least I hope that's glee. "What's so fun about doing normal things, with normal people?" He says with revulsion. "Nothing that's what!" His voice takes a more serious tone, now only slightly playful. "But I am sure you would have had found some real excitement if you had shared what you thought was really fun with you friends."

"But that's just It! they weren't really my friends anymore, they were just people, complete strangers that I couldn't connect with! Plus society doesn't really like what I consider "Fun", so I just keep my thoughts bottled up inside."

"Bottling your thoughts up never ends well... I say this from experience!" He placed his hand on his chest," Spending a few eons locked in a statue will eventually have yourself going over what will happen when you are finally freed, but when It finally does happen..." He scowls. "You bungle up what you planned to do!"

Holy... Shit. So he was conscious the whole time he was in that statue? Fuck, and I thought it was shitty living like this! "I think I am... Going to take a shower." I stammer as I walk out the room, leaving a somewhat puzzled Discord.

I didn't cry in the shower.

~Yes you did, you empathetic pansy boy. Feeling sorry for Discord?!? He's only sad because he screwed up in splitting up the Mane 6 and plunging Equestria into chaos!

I dried myself off, took a quick piss, and boldly went into the room expecting him to do somet-OH SHIT HE'S ON THE COMPUTER CHAIR. "What the hell are you doing on the computer?" I ask, a little angry. No one touches the computer, and gets away with it! Except when they do, which happens a lot.

He was just sitting there, staring at the tower in relaxed concentration. "I don't think its working." I face palm as I grab his head, and twisted it to view the screen. "Oh!" He reads the text on the screen with a squint. "Hmmm, Busty Nude Bimbo Coeds..." Note to self, Delete my fucking browser history once in a fucking while! He pokes at the screen with his finger. Oh thank god he was only reading a link! He snorts in frustration and turns to face me. "Bah, it's just a silly little toy for foals anyway." He says with a pout.

I shake my head sighing when I hear my stomach growl. "You hungry?" I say reflexively to no one in particular. I give a mental wince. It's one of the many knee jerk reactions I have for no reason, and it makes me feel like Pavlov's bitch.

"I could really go for some cotton candy, or chocolate if you have some", he said oh so politely.

"I don't have any of that in stock", I say.

"Can't you just conjure some, you are a wizard after all", he says with a look of confusion.

"You'll get a sammich, and that's it." I grun, bounding off for the kitchen.

Okay, I found the bread behind the bottle of rice wine, and some boloney behind the jar of wasabi. Alright I can do this! I can do this! All I have to do is... damn it.~ Ashton wants to learn "Sammich-Crafting" Delete an old move? Y/N~ I place two pieces of bread on the counter top. I wrap these bread slices with boloney. Finished! I am such an artist!

I take my master piece of the culinary arts to the room. Discord eyes it curiously. "So that's a... "Sammich"?" he asks warily. I think it's around 7 PM Now, due to the room being so dark. "Its different from what I expected."

"Just eat it Discord." I command wearily.

He bit tentatively on the "Sandwich". "Mmmmmmm! The taste is a bit off... but I just love the texture!" He starts eating the sandwich with gusto. "So what is this pink stuff?" He asks.

"Boloney."

"What, pray tell, Is boloney?"

"Meat. From a pig... Most of the time." Discords eyebrows do a strange little jig as he stares at the nearly eaten "Sammich". He shrugs and goes back to eating the "sandwich". Well that is unexpected... I say," You are certainly taking all this in stride aren't you? Does this mean that the other races in equestria actually eat meat?"

"Equestria had the delightfully odd talking carnivore or two when I wasn't trapped in stone, but I don't recall any sentient flesh eating species... Then again, I spent all of my time having fun with ponies." He laughs.

"So what are you going to do?" I say.

Then began the longest awkward silence I had the misfortune to be part of. As he stokes his wispy goatee I just think What happens next? Does he just leave or does he stay? Is this encounter going devolve into some wacky sitcom antics? ~I hope you smother him with a pillow before you let that happen.~

"What is that sound?" Discord says, as he turns toward the window. I strain my ears to hear what he is talking about. I barely hear a Song play in the distance. I move to the window to look outside, the music growing ever louder. I see people in the streets going crazy, running about yelling at the top of their lung, people fighting amongst themselves for drinks and food. My worst fears are realized. The one thing that could make this day worse.

It's a fucking block party!

And thats my second chapter... I think I may make each day take place over 3 to 4 chapters. Unless of course you guys have some suggestions.

Viva Le CHAOS!

Chapter Three: Block Party (DANGER ZONE)

Chapter Three
April 13th 2012

I have this Love-Hate relationship with parties. On one hand, it's where people do the stupidest, funniest, and most interesting things. Things like asking people to kick them in the nuts, or to set their face on fire with a can of spray on deodorant and a lighter. On the other hand however, you have to deal with the other things... The loud blaring music, the dancing, and worst of all, the petty chit chat that occurs when nothing awesome is happening, which is what disappointingly happens a lot.

The sad thing is, I happen to live in a town that just loves partying. Nearly every week there is some kind of shindig going on, with all the music and all the hijinks associated with it. Most of the time I can just ignore it, but today? With Discord, the supposedly powerless Spirit of Disharmony? Not a fucking chance.

Discord looks way too happy. It's unnerving. He's not seriously considering going out there, is he? I mean, he's is completely powerless, he doesn't know how to act in a modern day Equestrian society, much less human society... and he just walked out the door. Balls! What should I wear? All I can see are panties, socks, dirty underwear, and- Oooooh, is that a can of cheese whiz? Screw it, I'll just wear what I had on yesterday. Which is also what I had on the day before as well...

He could be anywhere! "Discord!" Why bother yelling? It's not like he'd hear me over this crowd of party goers dancing in the street like crazed Irish strippers. I'm not surprised that none of them notice me, they are either to busy dancing, or to busy getting tanked. I'm not going to be able to find him in this crowd. Good riddance I gues-

"How yah'll doing thar partner?" So much for that then. Wow, look at the size of that stetson.

"Where in the hell did you get that hat?" I can't even hear myself talk over this music! "Or that cone of cotton candy?!"

"Well shucks little feller, I jus' payed tha' man." That accent is pissing me right the hell off.

~Make him eat the hat... make him eat all of it.~

"I didn't know you had money, Discord." It's hard maintaining an outwardly non-nonchalant attitude while you are a seething cesspool of anger and foul thoughts on the inside.

Jam that cotton candy cone where the sun don't shine!

These little thoughts are beginning to sound more and more reasonable the longer I look at that smart-ass smile of his. What pisses me off the most is his arrogant confidence that he has in a world that he is so incredibly unsuited for. He doesn't have the skills to function on Earth, and even though he isn't showing it, the loss of his powers must be having a profound effect on him.

"I jus' gave the man thems pretty green pieces of paper, and he dun' gave me this nice little hat and cotton candy. Ah' Swears!" This isn't even how he acted in the show. he isn't being cunning, or rhyming. He is just being a silly fool.

"Where did you get the money Discord..." I can feel my left eye starting to twitch.

"Oh, well, all these here people are just soooo generous an' such with their open pockets"

Oh, he's been robbing everyone blind. Wait no, correction, he has been robbing everyone that's blind stinking drunk.

"Well hello there! Humans must really like balloons if every one has one of these in their cloth pouches!" That's a condom. Discord is inflating a condom. Discord has given me a condom flower... "It's kinda slimy tho' ain't it hoss?" Great, the accent is back.

"Fine", I sigh, "Mind telling me what you are going to do here?"

"Oh, but where would the fun in that be, Ashton?" That smile can't mean good things for me." Rest assured, there will be chaos!" What did he do?

~Chase after him! You know you are in love with him.~

What? No! I just need to see what he will do next.

Oh look, cupcakes. What is Discord doing to them? Oh god, he's licking the frosting! He's licking all the frosting! Sweet merciful lord! I... I want to stop watching this but I can't.

~Look at him go!~

Ugh, he looks so pleased with himself. Why does he smell like alcohol? Oh, these are Traditional Irish Guinness Cupcakes... Why is this stall unattended!? Gah, I bet there are toddlers out there getting cranked on these. Actually that sounds hilarious.

Not as funny, however, as a completely smashed Discord. Hah, he can't even get up!

~You could totally steal his sweet coat now and ditch him.~

Tempting... Very tempting. Ooops, looks like he moving again, barely moving, but still. There's some kind of rule about robbing a conscious drunk isn't there?

~If there is, he certainly didn't follow it.~

My choice was made for me as he stumbles off into another random direction. Damn it! Can't he just stay still for a moment? He went down the street with a lopping stumble, nearly falling at least several times. I don't know what I am more tempted to do, give him a shoulder to lean on or simply shove him in a puddle. ~And curb stomp that motherfucker!~ Saner me prevails and a jog up from behind the lumbering drunk ahead of me. He puts his hand on my shoulder to steady himself without saying anything. We walk up to a familiar pair of giraffes statue and the solitary granite statue of a handsome man between them.

Discord drunkenly walked up to the middle statue, that I can only assume is a humanized version of Tom, the boulder from the first episode of season tw- ~Neeeerrrrrdddd~ Discord is caressing the statues rough cheek whispering," What fun we had my stoney friend. He tosses his head back and starts laughing again. I sigh. It's only discord being discord, but this was strangely expected of him... Isn't he supposed to be entirely unpredictable? Discord suddenly breaks into tears as he slides down the statue into a sobbing mess. His slurs a whiny monologue, "All I wanted wash for every ponie' to have sh'om fun! That's all *Hic* Why did they turn me to stone, why? Oh poor poor little old me!" He crys in his yellow sleeve for a moment, a pitiful sight indeed. It makes me feel bad, but not from empathy, no. It was that the sight of this drunk sobbing man just makes me angry at him instead of sad for him. I rub my hand in my hair as I walk up to Discord, who was currently shaking back and forth in the fetal position.

"Hey dude, how about we walk back to my apartment, and maybe fix you some chocolate milk?" I say, in my faux sincere voice. ~ And maybe some ground glass, I am sure he would appreciate that, at least until he starts coughing up blood.~ Discord looks up at me with bloodshot eyes as he grabs my hand weakly. I pull him up a tad too quick and he - Fuck fuck fuck! My pants! Arrrggghhh! Vomit everywhere! Smell. Of. Chocolate. Overpowering!

We manage to stumble back home, and I manage to avoid touching the chocolatey vomit staining my pants. I see flashing red and blue lights. WOW! Can this day get any worse? Nevermind, it probably has nothing to do with me. Oh hey, there's my dad! Oh, hey, what are those two cops doing? Why does dad have have a black eye and a swollen lip? Why is he going inside the police car? What the hell is going on? ~Teehee, he got arrested.

The police car speeds down the street, or it would have if there wasn't a crowd of party goers blocking the road.I rush upstairs to my apartment, hoping that dad didn't lock the door, since I didn't have a key. The door was left open, so I guess that's good news for me.~There is a madman in the shower waiting for you to take a shit.~ A quick peek through won't hurt though.

The Closets? Nope, just clothes. Under the bed? A particularly moldy piece of toast, a slinky, and a fruit-roll up. In the shower? Oh my god a spider! I emptied my can of cheese whiz on that 8 legged freak.~You should totally eat that~ I give a gasp of relief, and trudge toward my computer, to put this long day behind me. A few minutes pass before my crazy voice pops in ~Aren't you forgetting someone? Oh right! Tom the humanized boulder!

I scowl as I rush down the stairs, intent on finding that drunk idiot, Discord. Why the fuck didn't he follow me upstairs? If I have to look for him in this crowd I am going to...~Going to what, you big pansy? Apologize? I quickly find him in front of the apartment... Lounging in the nude!? But... What? Why? Why!?

~I find it hilarious that he isn't the only one sprawled on the grass in his birthday suit.~

I am in a peaceful meadow, there are no limp phallic man rods here. Nope, no meat pipes here. Oh look! A baby bunny carrying a carrot. How adorable! Ha. Ha. Ha.

~You are completely surrounded by naked men. Don't deny it! Embrace the schlong!~

"Uh... Discord? I'm sorry ~HAH!~ but you have to put clothes on" I say as I gingerly grab his hand and pull him up. He grumbles in his drunk stupor, mostly oblivious to everything as he sways left and right. I grab him clothes and take him upstairs. Once we were in the apartment, he passed out unceremoniously onto the couch. I stare long and hard about what I am going to do about this.

~Your going to keep him like you would a stray dog~

What? No! I am not so stupid that I would keep him at the apartment!

~Quit denying it. You are talking to yourself here, and I say you are going to keep him!~

But this is Discord we ar- I am talking about here! He is going to drive me crazy!

~Psssh, I thought you were tougher then that Ashton!~

He already convinced that me he didn't exist once already!

~What's so bad about being crazy anyway. Plus if you spurn him away, then you are going to be alone here, with no way to pay the rent, or more importantly, the internet bill!~

Damn it. I hate when the voices in my head make since... However it's not like he can make much money from pick pocketing people. Especially sober people.

~ At least it will be quite entertaining when he gets caught. Why don't you check his haul?~

I rummage through his coat, finding bizarre items, items like a purple rubber chicken, a pink vibrator, an economy sized tube of crazy glue, and a finally a pile of wallets, deep inside the back pocket. Son of a bitch! More than enough for this months rent !

"I guess you can stay for a few days..." I grumble to no one in particular. "But that's it!"

And thats chapter three folks... and the first day as well!

Chapter Four: Roomies (DANGER ZONE)

Chapter Four
April 20th 2012

A lot can happen in a week with Discord as a room-mate. You find out that chocolate milk is, indeed, quite flammable, that Discord's favorite color is the negative of Octarine, and that merely thinking of such a hue will give you a nosebleed. You may also discover more about yourself, that you may be hiding certain feelings from yourself. Feelings that could only be revealed from spending a week living in a toaster box of an apartment with the spirit of chaos himself. A feeling of absolute... Hate! Why don't I just get rid of this freeloader you ask? Simple, he has the rent money.

I stare long and hard at the abomination before me. The coating of grime encasing it's once porcelain white skin was an unholy mixture of chocolate, barbecue sauce, disgusting moldy cheese, and a thin film of bacon grease. It is a battle of wills that I am losing. Oh dear god that stench! The smell makes me want to vomit. I slowly back out of the room, losing my nerve, but never taking my eyes off that monstrosity. I roll through the door way and kick close the door with a satisfying slam. I live to fight another day.

~Congratulations on running away from a pile of dirty dishes... You are such a manly man~

Grimacing at the harsh truth uttered in my head, I trudge forward toward the door. My heart is pounding, and my eyes are watering. The door is doing a piss poor job of blocking the vile odor coming from the kitchen. It's just a blanket nailed over the doorway after all. Wait, how did I slam it, if it wasn't a door?

~It's really really dirty. We are talking about a petrified cotton board here.~

I push the "door" up, ready to face my fears. The foul wave of smell nearly knocked me over, but I know that if I were to fall, that would entail me being on the tile floor of the kitchen. The grimy, disgusting, vile, tiled floor. That's not going to happen. I hang on the refrigerator door for dear life. I have wandered where vermin fear to tread!!! Woe is me!!! WOE IS ME! ~ You know you could just, I don't know... Grow a pair YAH PUSSY! Its just a bit of foulness!

I glance at my armaments. My comrades in the war against this filth. I nod at the small tower of sponges, give a quick look over Mr. Hair Dryer, and- dear sweet merciful Hades! They've gotten Colonel Spatula! I watch in horror as the metal cooking utensil crawls away. Must. Get. The. Hell. away! I force myself to look at the dishes once more. Has the mold grown higher since I just left the room? Oh my god I think I just heard it speak! Am I hyperventilating now? Vision...Going...Dark. Oh hello ground!

~L-O-L, You are unconscious!~

Fuck off me.

I open my eyes. It takes me a second to realize where I am layi-OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD GET UP GET UP GET OF THE FLOOR! I manage to scramble off the ground before the dirt noticed me. Do souls follow the 5 second rule I wonder? Uggh.

~Just do the dishes you goat licking pansy.~

I thought we said we would never think of that again.

Shaking my head, I grab the nearest cleanest dish... Ooooh, that's a pretty shade of brownish green.

I stumbled out from the kitchen, a mere shell of the man I once was. I saw into the abyss, and it into me. I am truly scarred from this event. I am-~Being super over-dramatic about doing dishes, which by the way, you did a shitty job of. Who the hell uses a blow dryer to clean dishes? Everyone knows that you should use them to clean bathtubs... Preferably when they are full of water. Hint Hint.~

I collapse on the couch and stare at the new colorful pattern on the ceiling. ”It's just ketchup and mayonnaise”, I keep telling myself,” Just ketchup and mayonnaise”. Discord has been trying to throw hotdogs up in the air to see if they'd stick. From the fair number of indents in the stucco, he has been at it for quite a while. I let out a loud gasp. He actually got one to stick! Amazing! How long will it stay up the- the hotdog detaches from the ceiling with a sickening plop and falls, perfectly mind you, into one of the buns placed on the stained carpet below. Sometimes, I am in awe of what Discord does, and as much as I would like to say that he plans these things to happen, I know that the truth is, he is just making this stuff up as he goes. He's just some kind of creepy James Bond... Except, instead of neat gadgets, he has a suit full of crazy.

Thump. Thump. Thumpity. Honk!

I turn to look at the door where the noise emanated. It's a door to a place of unimaginable dullness, of unbridled creativity, incalculable cruelty, and boundless kindness... the real world. I figured that it would rear its head eventually.

Thump. Thump. Thumpity. Honk!

It's probably one of the neighbors... or the police. Shit. I am going to get evicted! Ahhhh! Maybe if I just ignore it... it will go away!

~Another brilliant plan from the mind of Colonel Pimp Daddy Z. Ramses Akbar! Truly the greatest mind of our generation.~

I have had enough of your snark. I am getting the spatula. I'll get blitzed out of my mind on whatever mold spores are festering on it, just try me!

Thump. Thump. Thumpity. Honk!

The foot steps are getting closer. Who ever is making that racket is standing just outside my door. I hold my breath, a bead of sweat trickles down neck, tickling my chest hairs. I hear the jingle jangle of keys, and almost give a sigh of relief... until I realize that the only person who would come in at this time of- I look out the window... night, could only be- The door opens with a loud click. It's Discord, the chaos roommate from hell.

"Oh honey, I'm home!" He yells gleefully as he strides through the door. He is wearing a catfish costume, a fancy catfish costume to be precise. Tuxedo and a top hat fancy. The fact that he was wearing a giant catfish mask did not detract from the amount of fanciness this costume had.

By now I am completely unfazed by all the zany costumes he finds every day. Just yesterday he found a sailor moon costume. I didn't even know they were still making those. Coincidentally, that was the day that I bought razors for him. I don't think the nightmares will ever go away.

I sigh as I put out my hand out. He stares at me in contempt for a while before he rolls his eyes and reaches into his back pocket. He withdrawals a fat stack of cash and flings it at me. I don't react fast enough and it hits me square in the face. I sigh as the money flies everywhere. Discord looks at me expectantly. Putting on the fakest smile I could muster as I deadpan," So, how was your day?"

"Oh... the usual", he replies in his nonchalant manner as he takes the catfish mask off his head. "Found a goat, painted it pink, and then I left it on the top floor of that quilt museum. After that I found this delightful costume just lying in the dumpster! Can you believe it?" He scoffs. " So how was my little 'wizard' today?" He asks as he walks into my old room.

"The same thing that I do every day when you’re gone Discord. Cleaning up the messes you make." I grumble as i recall the great pudding carpet incident of April 16th.

"Pah, I will find a way to pierce that cold boring shell you’re hiding behind Ashton", Discord yells from the room. I hear the clattering of boxes tumbling in the other room. Don't tell he found the board games.

~He found the board games! Hahahaha! Crazy voice gleefully chirps.

"Oh! This looks interesting!" I hear more boxes falling... plastic pieces probably being haphazardly spread across the entire carpet like a mine field of pain. Not that I care though, having already declared to myself that the room was no-mans land, especially after hearing the noises coming from there the night before.

~Aren't you the least curious as to how he procured a rooster and a sheep?~

Not even in the slightest." I still don't get the point of clothes Ashton", I hear him say, slightly muffled. He walks out of the room wearing some old clothes of mine, clothes that are obviously to small for him, along with a sailors hat and a bib. He was carrying a stack of board games. I let out a weary sigh, before giving up and clearing the table in front of the couch.

I stare into his hetero-chromatic eyes. They show nothing of his intent, gleaming like a pair of mirrors. Say what you will about Discord, when he wants to, he has one hell of a poker face. Wait for it... wait for it. Ha! That smile betrays him. Right?

~We talked about this Ashton. You can't just project meanings to meaningless mannerisms. Discord’s always smiling.~ The inner voice said condescendingly.

It doesn't matter, I am the one with the most experience in this game. Discord doesn't have squat on me! This is a real mans game, and there is no room for a namby pamby deity from the magical land of little ponies! I squint as I look directly into those mismatched eyes, those cracked windows to his twisted soul and," Is it a girl?"

He strokes his beard in thought, saying," The concept of human gender still baffles me, but if I were to guess I would say..." He leans his head closer to the board." Nope." I flick all the female faces down. "Does your person have a beard?"

"Yes" I say as I take a sip from my coke. Blast, he is good at this game! Indeed, Guess Who is the true thinking mans game. You have to get into your opponents mind, and discern his character. If they are vain, like Discord here, they will usually choose the closest character resembling themselves. I, however, always choose one of the corner characters all the time, since most people focus on the middle of their board

~You got this info from /b/chan by the way... just throwing that out there~

The internet is never wrong! I give a smirk as I announce the right answer. "It's Philip isn't it." I direct my gaze to the picture of a black bearded man on the second to top row.

"Nope", he says bluntly, with mischief in his eyes. Damn, so much for that. It was probably bill, that kooky ginger bastard. It's always the gingers. I have at least a few turns before discord stumbles on to the identity of my character. "Is it... not Richard?" Son of a bitch!

"No..." I say through grinding teeth. He giggles as he rakes his hand across the board, slamming down all the faces but one. Okay, I gotta think here...Discord is above strategy, skill, and luck. He goes straight to the cheating. Except it is too creative to be considered cheating, he elevates it to an art form. I scratch my hair and wrack my brain. Think Ashton, think!

~In your case, it would be herp Ashton, derp!~

This is Discord, he is both crazy and vain. It's kind of obvious what character he has. "It's you isn't it?" He drops the smile, and pauses for a second. His face twitches a bit as he grabs the little card from his board and slowly hands it to me. Its a laminated picture of himself, giving two thumbs up to the camera. "I was wondering about why we had an ID card for a 'Mr. Funk Nasty' with the picture cut out", I say cheekily. He frowns and flips the board game into the air. I dodge the flying faces. "For the spirit of chaos you sure are predictable." He gasps, staring at me with sincere surprise.

~Sometime you astound yourself with your stupidity.~

Discord narrows his eyes as he gets up and stomps into my old room. He slams the door so hard that the table jumps. That's not good. I hear the sound of steel on steel as he rummages through what sounds like the pile of shitty swords that I own. I withdraw Sebastien from under the couch. Ha! They called me mad for keeping deadly weapons under all my furniture! I sure showed them!

~Who is they? Bitch, are you cheating on me? You dirty slut!~

I run to the computer, figuring that I have a few extra minutes while Discord is putting on some crazy costume to find some suitable fighting music. I wipe the cheeto dust from off the mouse and slap the keyboard as I wait for the screen to flicker to life. I am greeted by picture of lolcats and 24 separate tabs of recipes, rage memes, ponies, and sexy naked ladies. I rub my eyes as I exit out of the browser, and open back up again. Okay, lets do it the lazy way and just type out what I want... I type i- I hear a loud clang from the other room and cringe. Okay where was I? I see the history show up below the search bar and can't help but glance at it. Among the various tasteless sites I spy , just below and just above .

Geez, I haven't been on the IRC for how long now? Ever since I found Discord, I haven't really talked to anyone else.
I don't know if it’s because he has been such a handful, or just too damn interesting. From the state of the rooms, I think it’s the latter. Might as well check if #fimfic has chilled out since the pink flashing sky dealio. I click the connect button. Sweet lord look at all the people! Around 70 names line the right of the chat. Why! Why did they have to put the chat link near the top? Damn, if I couldn't get a word in edge wise before, I certainly won't now. It won't hurt to try though.

[20:32] == Draequine [webchat@823cf43.3bc48775.newwavecomm.net] has joined #fimfiction
[20:33] ""Aw, Spikey-Wikey," the unicorn said with a chortle that she failed to contain. "We want food." "Well go get some hoe. The kitchen's right there." He pointed a claw to the kitchen. "Let a bro sleep.""

Hmmm, well they are quoting fics, so I guess they aren't freaking out too bad about the flashing pink sky. Better say hello then.

[20:33] Hey guys, long time no see! Its been a pretty chaotic week for me, so I couldn't get on.

I giggle at my pun. The chat overflows with comments that are completely irrelevant to my statement.

[20:33] == ENP [webchat@a9a2d23.f5eb36d.nap.wideopenwest.com] has quit [Ping timeout: 361 seconds]
[20:33] I can't tell
[20:33] if this fic is the best thing ever
[20:33] or the worst
[20:33] Wat

I wonder what people thought about the crazy pink flashes.

[20:33] What about them pink flashes last week, eh? Who else thought they were tripping balls? Did anyone else smell fudge?
[20:33] == ENP [webchat@a9a2d23.f5eb36d.nap.wideopenwest.com] has joined #fimfiction
[20:33] ?
[20:33] Hey, anyone? Who has a fanfic idea for me so I could deicate it to them? No, I'm not stealing fanfic ideas.
[20:33] ...let a bro sleep?

I was completely ignored. Damn them all! Fuck, I might as well get something off my chest.

[20:33] Last week I found the humanized version of Discord. He may or may not be a hobo, but he does pay the rent.
[20:33] ...
[20:33] xD
[20:33] ""But we're hungry," the cyan pegasus whined, putting on a poor pouty face, her lip sticking out and red eyes drooped. She looked like Rarity when she got 20% more duckface."
[20:33] alan wake crossover

I sigh and open up a new tab to find the right music to have an epic battle to. Last time I fought with discord, it was actually starting to get boring, trident or no. I think quietly to myself, Dub step is right out of the question, He will like that too much... I don't want any songs with lyrics, or any heavy metal songs actually, but classical would be waaaay to composed for this fight. Ha, of course! Jazz is always the answer! I click into my saved bookmarks to pull out my Favorite Jazz piece. Bitches love jazz.

Just before I hit play on the clip I hear a small beep. I scares me so bad that I accidentally fart. What the hell is this!? I look through the chat and find a solitary comment directed to me.

[20:33] ...what?!
[20:33] What.
[20:33] Just... what.
[20:33] writes himself into equestria to save his wife
[20:34] How is that... even... anything?
[20:34] I need to get to writing.
[20:34] Gotta wor on A Party of Two
[20:34] Yo, who a dragon gotta blow to get a g&t up in here!
[20:34] *Work
[20:34] Apparently
[20:34] DonnaNoble Rarity is stunned when Sweetie Belle out fashion designs her and claims world fame.
[20:34] "Draequine did you really find Discord?! PM me! I need help!
[20:34] the guy wrote it sober
[20:34] Which, surprisingly, isn't a shipfic OR clopfic.

Ha, He is probably sarcastic... There is no way in hell that I would find someone who believes that I have found a humanized MLP character... and definitely not another brony! I might as well see how far he goes with this, just in case.

[20:35] Yea, I gotta deal with dis- BRB

I quickly hit enter as I hear discord yell triumphantly," Ah ha!" Its on now, Discord! I slam the play button.

Our swords make a sweet melody amongst the intense jazz flowing out of my room. Step, pivot, duck. The broadsword whizzes by me. I am terrified that I am going to slip on one of the many hot dog buns that litter the floor. That, and the way that Discord is holding his weapon. It's not a bat, damn it, and don't get me started with that ridiculous fencing uniform paired he is wearing. I am sure it would have made sense if he was a using fencing foil, but that is a broadsword. At least he was getting slightly better at swordsmanship since the first time we fought. Not as good as me, but still.

~Why are we doing this?~

Because if we don't, then he will probably kill us by accident. Plus it's admittedly fun.

~Wrong! The only reason that Discord still does this shit is because you refuse to assert yourself in this obviously gay relationship between you two~

I am not gay! To prove it, I am going to end this fight right now, and stab this silly dip-shit. Step, step... er... Fuck! I trip and bang my shoulder on the coffee table. Ouch! I get nudged in the side by a giggling discord. I quickly roll forward and scramble to my feet. Damn him! He must have distracted me!

~You can't do anything else but dodge like a little pansy... I told you that you should have splurged on additional swordplay lessons!~

Shush, now is the time for clever banter to be exchanged between me and discord, I must have absolute silence!

~You think to yourself, as crazy squealing jazz blares from your computer in the other room~

Ignoring the cheeky voice, I rehearse a great quote I read from Moby Dick. " From hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee." That really classed up this duel.

Discords eyes narrows as he replies," From dull and dusty books you garner quotes to toss at me" He thrusts his sword, and nearly takes a tumble into a pile of what would favorably be called miscellaneous pointy items. I side step this attack and put my room at my back. Discord turns to face me, panting hard. He gasps out," You know what you fight like Ashton?

"No, What?" I ask curiously.

"You fight like a potato." He says.

"Yeah? Well... how appropriate! You fight like a potato farmer!" I cry out reflexively

Discord pauses, looks at me for a moment, and just shakes his head. Damn it brain! Why you so stupid? I cringe at my own stupidity.

~If I had control over your arms, I would use them to face palm... and then to strangle you, of course.~

He thrusts at me again, this time a little more accurate, forcing me to deflect it and step back. This requires drastic measures now. I am going to have to get personal. "Do you know why I keep you around, Discord", I ask him as he flails his sword around.

"Why, oh great and powerful wizard, do you keep me here?" he asks snidely.

"Well its not because I am afraid that you will break into this apartment and stab me in my sleep." Actually I was terrified of this happening every night. "No, it’s because you entertain me. To be honest, you are some crazy hobo who I let live here, illegally mind you, just because you have a talent for making easy cash quickly." Discord frowns at me. "Even if you were actually the real Discord, you are still powerless here!" He cringes and takes a step back.

"I thought you believed in me Ashton!" He says giving a half-hearted wave of his sword as he attempts to look like his feelings were fake hurt, instead of sincerely hurt. The things I do to win petty games.

"I doubt you could cause any real chaos on earth", I taunt. Discords eyes narrow as he glares at me. Oh Cheesy testicles. He advances on me, and I take step back, and then another step, and another, until I my back is to the wall of my room.

"Who are you to say that I can't cause chaos", He yells, sword raised. "Do you know who I am? I am the man who's going to explodifiy your brain hole with chocolate milk!" He shouts out, incoherently frothing with rage. He swings. The music screeches to a violent halt. I squeeze my eyes shut in calm acceptance of death. Being killed by a crazy hobo isn't the worst way to go.

Seconds pass, and I hear a high pitch wailing. I risk opening my eyes. No. No no no no! This is even worse then dying! I see my computer, my poor poor computer, impaled on a broadsword. I hear its pitiful death rattles as a shower of sparks flow out of its wound. I stare at her murderer. I see him smiling, and twitching... and convulsing, since he has a death grip on the metal sword that's currently imbedded in my precious precious computer. I can salvage this! I can do this, I can- He jerks violently, ripping the wires from the wall. He stares at the abolished computer fear, and heaves the sword over my head and accidentally lets go in mid swing. I reach my hand out as it sails over my head and smashes through the closed window.

Its dead quiet in the room, save for the squealing of the speakers. I turn to discord, who has now recovered from my cruel taunt. He has his finger to his lip, in a 'Who-me?' expression. My mind floods with violent thoughts.

~Kill him slowly, make it last, cut the man, paint the lines, cut the man, paint the lines, eat his soul, rape him with a rake!~ My inner voice sing songed in a cheerful tone.

He steps back a step. I twitch my eye as the blood lust overcomes me. The last of my sanity strips away. "Crush! Kill! Destroy! Swag!" I scream with all my might. My vision fades as I black ou-

I come to my senses. My head is pounding and I taste the flavor of my coppery blood in my mouth. I am standing over a body. Oh my god I killed a hobo! Shit. Okay Ashton, you have to make a plan here. You can't just wing it this time! I need a drink. I take a step over the body and slowly walk into the kitchen, rubbing my aching head. I open the fridge, the light in it flickers momentarily before fizzling out. I grab another coke and slam the door shut. I stare at the can in my hand. I need something more then just coke to deal with this crazy town bullshit!

I yank at one of the drawers, which grind open in protest. After a few moments of rummaging I finally find what I am after. I beheld the perfect tool for the endeavor I am about to take, my thinking crazy straw! My mission accomplished, I walk back into the living to decide what to do with the body.

I now know, without a doubt, that the Discord that has spent a week with me, isn't the real Discord, because if he was I wouldn't have been able to kill him so easily. I don't know whenever to be disappointed or relieved. I go with a mix of the two. Now... what to do about the corpse bleeding in my living room. Well the dumpster is the closest, but I would have to go to the store to get large trash bags. I think my dad had a gallon of lye laying around here.

~Lutefisk anyone?~

Bah, what the hell am I thinking!? Lutefisk is disgusting! He would last me much longer as mincemeat. I sigh. Where can I find an industrial meat grinder at this hour? I feel movement on the carpet behind me. It's probably some mice. I hear the corpse moan. Sweet jebus! I kick the zombie in the head repeatedly. It stops moving. Note to self, add Zombie Slayer to resume.

~Addendum: Nitwit who doesn't know the difference between a passed out hobo and corpse~

Pffft, he is totally a zombie and you- I know it... I think. I cautiously put my fingers to the bodies throat. Yea he is de- I feel a pulse- finatly alive... and I had just kicked him in the head repeatedly. I face palm. I had better wake him up then, but how? Looking at the coke in my hand for a moment, I bid it a fond farewell and hurl it at discords bruised face. He sputters loudly as he gets up on his elbow, his hand on his bruised head. He looked at me with a sad frown on his face.

I stare at Discord, still angry with him. "I know you don't feel guilty about what you have done, so I'll bite... what's wrong?"

"You're right." He says morosely, he chews on his lip a bit.

"About what?" I ask, confused.

"That I can't cause any real chaos." He sighs.

Feeling sorry for him, yet again, I say," Oh come on, you already flipped my life upside down, and you haven't been here for more then a week!"

"Oh come now Ashton..." he says softly, as if addressing a child," If I had my powers back I would be long gone."

"Come to think of it why are you still here any way? I would think that being the spirit of chaos meant that you are basically a free spirit, untethered to any one place, powers or no powers", I ask, curious now since this may be the only time to get a straight answer from him for once, or ,at least, a slightly crooked one.

"Oh so it was a coincidence that you, someone that already knows who I am and what I am capable of, not only find me, but let me live with you as well."

~That was just poor decision making and outright stupidity on your part.~

"No", He continues, "It was most certainly... fate." He spat out with a grimace.

I was shocked. "I didn't take you as a person to believe in destiny Discord." He is the spirit of chaos, he kicks fate in the balls no matter what he does... doesn't he?

He sniffs." I don't know where you would get that silly idea. My whole existence is..." he pauses with a sigh " was to defy fate in all its forms, from the little things, like gravity and eating to the bigger picture, trying to stop the predestined itself!" That didn't work out for him much did it, what with the whole being turned to stone a second time, when he had access to the elements of harmony no less! He shakes his head before saying," As I was saying, finding myself powerless on this ,admittedly delightfully strange, world has made me realize something about myself."

"And that would be?" I ask in suspense.

"That without my powers, I am nothing." Discord puts his face in his hands. ~I hope he doesn't start cutting himself... that is one stain we will refuse to clean.~ I don't know how to respond! Crap sacks.

"Want some chocolate milk?" I say as I take the crazy straw embedded in his hair. "I'll let you use the crazy straw!" I say, trying to sound playful. I fail horribly.

"That's all I am now aren't I? Just a crazy straw in this bale of hay called earth!" his words drip with scorn. Oh great, he’s going noir on me. He continues this rant he has started," Oh sure, I may act differently, I make look slightly different, but somewhere out there is another million people. People just. Like. Me." Is that what he is getting pissy about? That he isn't unique anymore? I am glad I kicked his ass.

"Okay then..." I murmur, uncertain of what to say.

I see a tear trickle down his face as he keeps talking. "I feel like I am just a two dimensional character now!" I barely restrain myself from laughing. He sure hit the nail on the head. He continues crying," I have no personality beyond being the spirit of chaos! I am just a crazy old mule." He starts sobbing.

"You’re kidding right?" I blurt out. He stares up at me. "Uhhh...", I pause, not sure how to say this. "You think you are bland? That you are unoriginal? Listen Discord, you are a cheeky, crafty son of a bitch that everyone loves to hate. The only thing you are lacking in is sanity.

Discord slowly gets up. "I suppose you are-" He gasps as he clutches his chest. His eyes twitch, and his pupils become dilated. "Hnnnnnnng", He strains a syllable as a vein on his forehead throbs. He is convulsing. Ooooh, he must be having a stro- He just flashed. He is flashing colors now! A... ah? What happened to his face? Where is his face!? Discord has become a flashing blur... this can't be happening. This can't be happening! Unnngh! Brain. Taquitos.

~Awww the little baby can't take a little madness? Self, I am disappoint.~

The craziness finally stops. Okay, diagnosis check. My name is Ashton Thomas. I like bacon. I have no grasp of the concept of salads. I have all my limbs. My hair is on fire. My hair is on fire?! I make a dash for the bathroom, jumping over the smoldering pile of cheetos on the floor, and past a yet again unconscious Discord. I shove my head into the open toilet, and get rewarded with a satisfying fizzling sound as the flames are quenched... did I flush?

Discord leans on the door way. He has his broad creepy smile back on his face, and his eyes shine with a delight that sets me on unease. "Sooo.... what was that?" I ask as I squeeze past him.

"Oooooh, nothing", he says innocently," Now look into my eyes." Fuck! I shut my eyes a tight as I can. "Oh, as if that's going to keep me from looking at what makes you tick." He chuckles and he puts his hand my head, ruffling my singed hair. I can't help but open my eyes... and see a pair of entrancing multi-layered eyes staring at me. A sense of calmness over takes me as he dissipates from view. So is he gone?

-~Nope~- Came a new voice in my head.

The ground rushes toward me as everything goes black. Hello darkness... my old friend.

Chapter Five: Pleasent Dreams (DANGER ZONE)

Chapter Five
???? ???? ????

Dreams offer a window to the mind, but I have never really liked my own dreams. Whenever I dream, it feels like I take a backseat into myself, like I am on auto pilot and not really there. I also find the symbolism present in the dreams to be vague and disturbing to say the least. I make an effort to forget my dreams every time I wake up, since I just can't deal with the memory of the kind of bullshit my douchey subconscious puts me through in the morning, I just can't!

I am walking down a leather, lavender colored street. I check the time on the pocket watch stapled to the back of my right hand. It has a crack running down its face. The crack glows a sparkling white as the pocket watch splits open, revealing a blinking yellow eye. The staple pops off as the pocket watch slithers down my arm like a snake down a tree. I spy a moustache lying on the sidewalk which flaps and flies away as I near it. I hear a gunshot ring out through the street.

"Good on yah mate!" Hollers a voice coming from a hat which hanged from a nearby cloth lamp post. "Jim sandy on the goober dandy if da Budgie smugglers known what wubner gub'daed lolloped in the wallaby covered in fried nutella!" it screeches in its unintelligible Australian accent as it turns to ash.

I look around some more. I am now in a bizarre bazaar. Instead of spices and sweat, I smell soap and rubbing alcohol. The stalls line up and go forward into infinity, but I know that I won't have to walk far... somehow. The first stall I come to is full of spare parts and broken toys. In the center of it was a man sized robot with an iron mustache. Its eyes flicker on, bathing me in a calm white light. I hear its voice box pop on. "Hello son" I hear the robot say in its harsh guttural whine before it falls to pieces.

I walk further down the weird street. Suddenly, out of one of the back alleys, Three little ponies swing past me on a rope screaming, "Cutie mark Saxton Hales!" before colliding with the opposite wall and vanishing, leaving a red hippie shaped stain. I keep walking still, to the next stall... it is not far now. Not far at all. I hear a strange foreboding beat coming from the back of the darkened stall. All I see are three heads lined in a row... each of them looked exactly like me, except the left one had sewn up eyes and a post-it note naming it Id, the middle had a sewn-up mouth and stapled on its brow was a hunk of wood labeled ego, the rightmost one had no ears to speak of and in front of it was a plaque that said: Super Ego . Behind them was a zebra. In addition to the golden rings wrapped around her neck there was a sign labeling her: Zecora

"I suppose you are going to say something wise, that rhymes as well?" I say to the zebra.

The song’s pace quickens as the eyeless head begins to speak. "You are coming apart at the seams, and it all feels like a dream," It says jovially with a mad laugh.

The middle head gives a muffled moan and an unsaid, woeful limerick.

The rightmost head says calmly, "It seems that you are out of luck, so why bother to give a fuck?"

I look at the zebra expectantly. The beat grows louder. The three heads start to shake, as if in anticipation of the rhyme to come. The zebra moves its head under the counter the heads were on. It comes back up, the beating stops. She is chewing on some hay. I close my eyes in disappointment. When I open them, I am no longer in the strange market, but at Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie is in front of me, behind the counter.

Her mane is flat and she has a dull, vacant gaze in her eyes. She brings a plate up from under the counter. She deadpans," Would you like a cupcake?" The cupcake looks normal. It has cyan frosting and rainbow sprinkles. It smelled like skittles. The weird thing about this cupcake though, was the wrapper encasing the treat. It had a soft furry texture... and a familiar thunder cloud design. I peel the wrapping off and take a bite of the cupcake. The taste was wrong, instead of being moist and delicious, it was succulent and juicy. I feel something dribble down my chin... something warm and wet.

Before I can analyze the taste of the cupcake any further, Pinkie Pie apathetically says," There are more cupcakes in the back room." She nods her head to the door behind her. I look at the big red door. It has a malevolent glow coming from its outline. I turn to look back at Pinkie Pie, but she isn't there. There is only a stack of pink, leather, fresh parchment on the counter. I look back to the door, which is no longer red, or a door at all. It’s a beaded curtain that looks like a mystic eye staring at me. I hear moaning and screaming emanating from the other room I listlessly walk through the curtain.

I am now on a pedestal in a garden on the outskirts of a maze. Everything looks dull and lifeless, all the colors are pale imitations of real hues. I hear humming coming from behind me. It's Discord, a draconequus once more. He is painting a mannequin of a small alicorn a dark shade of blonde. Its fake mane is orange and blue. I walk up behind him to get a closer look. He stops humming and turns to look at me.

"Well if it isn't Ashton! How do you like the new friend I made for myself?" He squints at me with glee as he pulls me closer to the mannequin." Her name is Bright Eyes! She likes long walks on the beach, rainbows and keeping everything neat and organized," he bats his eyes, and starts gagging. He looks at me expectantly as I say nothing. He has a momentary look of confusion on his face until some kind of realization dawns on him. "Does my wittle human not realize he is dreaming?" He gushes, clapping his hands together." This will be easier then I thought! Ashton... meet the new you!" He says with a vigorous wave of his hands in "Bright Eye's" direction.

I hear glass shattering as everything becomes... clear. I have been dreaming! Discord is about to replace my mind with a female pony! That wasn't a cupcake! Ahhh! Discord is really Discord! My eye twitches spasmodically. Wait... Discord is really Discord! Then he must be the cause of this craziness I’m dealing with! So I am sane! Yay! Now to deal with Discord. I calmly say, "I don't like my dreamscape being a fucking freak show Discord... Get the fuck out of my head, now." I pause, something is wrong here. Oh my God I just cursed out loud, I put my hand to my mouth in horror.

"Looks like someone is a repressed potty mouth, "Discord sing-songs as he flies around me, "As for the decor of your mind, that was all you buster." He points at me. "At first I thought you were just serious and shy, but now I can see you’re nuts!" I feel a draft, I'm naked! I cover my junk up with my hands. Wait, I am dreaming. I am now in Samus's metroid suit. The chest area is delightfully roomy, but there is a distinct lack of gro- Why did a chick’s power suit automatically come to my mind when I manifested something for me to wear?! Oh my God, will the slightest thought from me conjure up disaster? Must. Not. Think. Of. Stay Puft Marshmallow ma- Sweet jesus! A giant Michelin Man, and he’s on fire!

As my horrific mind creation stomps through the garden, I see Discord eating popcorn. Between the munching and giggling he says, "Not experienced with the whole lucid dreaming thing, are you Ashton? Well you won't have to be worrying about that for long."

"How so, dipshit?" I ask, puzzled. I cringe again, I just cursed for the third time!

"You bore me", he says bluntly, "Oh sure, your lack of reaction was... refreshing, and all this madness!" He gestures as everything flashes brightly, both myself and Discord are now in the center of what appears to be Ponyville... except that we were surrounded by a writhing black mass. "You can practically smell the insanity!" He laughs. I can't resist sniffing the air... it smells like seaweed smothered in chocolate, with just a hint of ozone. He grabs me by my shoulder and looks me in the eye. "It's not me, it's you. Don't worry though, I shall remedy your lack of entertainment value!"

"Damn it Discord! Just fucking spit it out, you fucked up piece of horse excrement!" I flinch. Discord frowns as he disappears behind me. I quickly turn around to follow him, but he is nowhere to be found.

I hear a rummaging... well, not so much as hear it, but think it against my will. I hear-think Discord muttering to himself," Hmm, alrighty then... ~Who the balls are you!?~ Oh, hello there!" I think-hear a violent struggling. ~MMPF!!!~ a familiar gagged voice think-says. "Okay then... Oad-De-Pee-Dus Complex... I wonder what that means." I think-hear a switch flick on. My mommy didn't love me enough! I start bawling as I think-hear, "Hah! Humans are weird." The switch flicks again. I suck up my tears. "Ah, here it is!" I hear-think a rusty valve turning, releasing a stream of profanity that knocks me off my feet. I close my eyes.

I am on a ship now, the sails are down and the Jolly Roger is flapping proudly. I smell the salty air and grin, this is the life for me. Nothing to tie me down, just myself, the sea and my booty! I squint my eyes as I stare into the horizon. Something is off, something isn't right. I run down the- I fall down the steps. Freaking peg leg! Shouldn't I have gotten used to this infernal missing limb?! I have been sailing for how long now? Wait, how long have I even been a pirate? I hear a bleak rattling and a particularly fierce wave rocks the boat. I grab onto the- I blink- the ruby red banister of my ship. The shaking stops and I make my way to the brig.

I walk through the heart of the ship, or is it the bowels? Certainly smells like it anyway. I hear someone laughing to himself. I frown. No one should be laughing here, something is wrong on my ship. When something is wrong on my ship, no one should be happy, especially in the brig. Hmmm, I stroll down the brig hall, my hook clinks and clanks on the iron cells. I find the source of the manic laughter, it’s one of the old stowaways I found on this ship. He’s wearing a tattered suit; it has a red bow-tie stapled to it and he has a fez on his head. Those were the only items I found on him, besides a broken fancy dancy pocket watch that I couldn't get rid of at port. Stupid superstitious morons, the watch isn't haunted! Okay, maybe a little bit... I couldn't stand the voices I heard coming out from it, so I tossed it into the briny depths.

"How's the doctor today", I say in my fake good mood voice.

His eyes swivel around, and he shouts, "It’s bigger on the inside! Nothing here is real! You are losing your mind!"

I shake my head wearily, regretting my decision of letting this man live on my ship for... for... how long again? Never mind that, there is something wrong with my ship and I need to fix it. I draw out my flintlock, take aim then fire. The strange man slumps, his last murmur calling me a tardis or something... I don't know, since I pay no heed to the last words of fools. Although I loathe to admit it, his crazed jammerings got to me, and to whatever is making the ship feel odd. I hear the ominous rattling again.

I continue to walk down the hall of cells, all the way to the end. I walk up to the broad oak door and gulp. I wrap my hand around the knob and twist. I gasp at the rotten stench coming from the room. Well... it's not a room, but a cupboard. Its sole occupant is a skeleton with a sign around its neck saying, Stolen Sweets. I stare at the skeleton before saying,"Reveal thyself demon!"

The skeleton doesn't move. I sigh, then give it a good whack upside the cranium. "Ack! Fine, I‘m awake dang nab it!" Its voice sounds old... not the deep rumbling ancient kind of old, but the shrill lecherous grandpappy kind. "What do you want to know sonny boy?"

"Tell me what’s wrong with my ship!" I yell.

"It has a homosexual captain, that's what!" he hoots and hollers at me. I slap his head around some more. "Fine!" he groans. "Something is happening..." The skeleton tilts his head in thought," in the dining quarters." I walk back up the hall, fuming. Stupid bag of bones, if there was something wrong in the dining hall, I would know about it!

I bash down the door, ire in my eye, scoping out the room. I spy two scantily clad winches laying in the corner. I'd let them hoist my sails, if you know what I mean. The room seems empty... except for the 'crew'. "Well me hearties, have ye been drinking well?" The group of skeletons collapse into a heap in their chair at my bellowing laugh. I snort in amusement as I make my way to the bar.

"I'll have your rummiest rum-flavored rum-rummy, with a side of rum, dipped in rum... don't go easy on the rum." I squint at the bartender... and I yank his head from his neck. His glassy mug face is deliciously surprised as I partake in his sweet sweet life-rum. I knew it was a good decision to have a shape shifter as a bartender. Wait... there’s something wrong about this, but I can't put my hook on it. It's not important. Bah, it's probably because this rum is stale! I throw the glass on the floor, watching it shatter into a million glistening shards.

The lights in the bar dim, and everything around me is now a tinge of gray. I hear the door open and turn to see the newcomer. Of all the rum joints in all the ships in all the sea, she walks into mine. "Bright eyes..." I grimace. She stares at me with those wide canvas colored eyes, completely emotionless. Her mismatched blue and orange hair was flowing unnaturally as if there was a breeze in this room, she is wearing her trademark yellow robe. "What do you want girl?" I say with a sneer.

She draws out a long curved dagger from under her robe joylessly. "Your ship, captain." she deadpans coldly. I laugh at her loudly as I come up with a plan of attack.

I turn back to look at the bartender and command," Play it, Sam." His neck becomes a piano and it plays a strange song. A horrendous, yet catchy beat fills the bar. My head is wrapped in confusion as a name appears in my mind until I shake my head and forget about it. Yes, it's nothing I glare at the preposterous shape shifter. He stops his foolish dancing and that silly tune, slumps on the table and plays the right song. I smile to the sorrowful tune and turn back to face the rotten mutineer.

Alright, she’s a wee lassie and I could just toss her scrawny ass overboard, but that would be too simple. I suppose I could keelhaul her, but that would get brine all over the ship... A sharp cold pain in my heart interrupts my thoughts. Oh, or that could happen. I look down at the blade piercing my chest as my vision darkens. So this is the end of ol' Lip Beard the black eh? So be it, I close my eyes for the last time as a pirate. I hear a familiar voice blurt out, "Oh come on! That wasn't even a minute! Ashton, you made a poor pirate, and an even worse toy to play with."

Another voice says, "Well at least he is dedicated to the whole pirate bit, I mean you hardly had to worm into his head and convince him he was one."

" Oh stuff it Deep, or whatever your name is, this was the worst. Dream. Mutiny. Ever!"

The glass shatters again. Son of a bitch! I open my eyes again and look for the source of the voice. It is coming from a suspended box in the middle of the room. I take the blade from my heart, it doesn't hurt and there is no wound. I walk past the humanized made up mare. She was only a puppet, and her puppeteer was in that box. I nudge the hanging box and notice a strange smell in the air, a sugary smell. I stand on my tippy toes to glimpse into the large box. Inside was a man, Discord and a ton of bubbling pudding with swirling chunks of jello bobbing up and down.

"So the sleeper has awakened!" cries Discord. "Woe is us, woe is us!" He laughs.

"I'll say it again Discord... get out of my head." I say sternly and then lose all seriousness when I realize who the man sitting next to him is. "Oh my God you’re Johnny Depp!” I squeal.

He rolls his eyes and sighs. "It's boring when they’re lucid." He vanishes without a trace, leaving me bewildered.

"Still can't control your mind eh? Tut tut, and you called yourself a wizard." He shakes his head.

I finally lose it. "You're in my world now!" I yell, the hot tub begins to freeze over. "Not yours!" His smug face freezes, gaining a blue tinge as icicles grow out of his nose. "And I've got friends on the other side." Unexpectedly the almighty Thor appears behind me.

He righteously screams, "Begone foul icy specter!" as he swings his hammer down into the frozen pool of pudding, shattering it, Discord and everything else, leaving behind only whiteness.

I sigh. At least I defeated Disc- "Oh silly boy, you honestly think you can defeat me with paltry mind games like that?" Discord laughs as he floats out behind me." Come now, this place is practically home turf for me! How many centuries was I stuck in my mind? I lost track around the 1,534,253,463rd Boomtime." he laughs hysterically. I take a step back. Discord looks closely at me and smiles slyly. "You know what? I think I’ll actually offer you a chance." He pulls a huge hourglass out from behind his beard. "Tell you what, if you manage to..." He air quotes with a giggle, "Defeat me in five minutes, I won't replace your mind with the mind of a silly generic mare." The sand in the hour glass starts to fall up. "The clock is ticking, Ashton."

What choice do I have? "Okay then." I say. How the hell am I going to beat Discord? Oh shit oh shit oh shit! I need some serious guidance, stat!

I hear footsteps behind me and a voice calmly said, "You are the architect of your mind, I am sure you can think of something."

I spin around and- oh my God it's Leonardo DiCaprio! Er... I mean... that one dude from that weird ass movie... yeah. Yeah! This is my mind we are in and I am the architect, I am the master! I am a house.

As far as houses go, I am a small one. I am relatively modern, with hints of Renaissance architecture, just a splash of rustic old American, and a whole lotta something else. My third window shutter hangs on one hinge and flaps too much for my liking, my windows are soapy, and I have been empty for so, so long. there is a rumbling in my foundation, my cupboards start rattling.

There is a loud voice coming from the source of the rumbling. "So is this the house we're tearing down eh?"

Another voice replies, "Yup, it says so right here; 1313 Mockingbird Lane."

"Well, let her rip..." The sound gets even louder. Dishes in my kitchen cupboard fall out and shatter on the floor. My walls crumble apart as a colorfully dark yellow wrecking ball crashes into my foyer, lodging itself in my fireplace and bursting my main pipe. Its blue and orange chain rips my drywall apart. Just as my electricity fizzles out, a voice says," Four minutes left Ashton, and you’re just sitting there like a loon."

Son of a bitch! I open my eyes, glad that I am not an actual house. I am laying down on the white space. Now I’m standing up, or was I already standing up? Fuck this dreamscape! Leonardo DiCaprio walks back in front of me and squints at me, "We have to go deeper!" I use the gun I suddenly have to shoot the asshole. Right in the face.

A thin line of pure nothingness streaks out in front of me, and out walks what appears to be a small child with a huge deformed head and two small white pink pricks for eyes... Oh, and he was also just... blackness. He grabs the dead actor by his left foot and drags him into the ethereal slit. I am more then a little confused. Then a goldfish with the face of Borat swims around me, then under a pole. "Oh." I facepalm, realizing that I missed such an obvious link between two references.

I hear the ticking of a clock, I turn to see Discord, sitting on the hour glass, which has now been separated into three separate chunks, yet they were still connected as the sand flowed in... circles? My brain hurts looking at it, but I take a few haphazard steps towards discord. I have to get serious now. Gotta get ready. Gotta get set. I gotta...Go!

The green light flashes, and I stomp on the accelerator. I feel the weight of gravity slam me into my seat as my car screams down the road at 300 miles per hour. I overtake most of the other racers in my cherry red Oscar Mayer wiener van. All except the car driven by racer D, a white pink polka dotted Humvee. I come to the A-turn and I drift myself into position ahead of racer D.

I smile sinisterly as the announcer cries out, "Racer bacon has taken the lead! Here comes his signature move" I press... the button. The trunk ejects all of the bacon in wiener-mobile. I look in my rearview mirror sending Racer D into a delightful tailspin. I giggle to myself as I look back at the ro- Oh my god it’s a yellow elephant! I don't even try to slam the breaks... there’s no point in it.

I see raining blue and orange elephant bits all over the place, and the last thing I hear is a familiar voice saying," 3 minutes left, baby!"

I open my eyes to the white place again. Son of a bitch! Why does this keep happening!? Discord looks at me with a smile. He is now the hourglass, a likeness of his face etched into its glass surface. I... I just have to calm down, get my head straight and not fall back into a dream..

I am a bowl of peanuts plummeting toward a yellow planet, my salty nuts slowly tumble out of me. How embarrassing! Whoops! There goes a blue cloud. Oh, and there's an orange duck... neat! I sure have been falling for a while... how high up am I? Wait... I am a bowl of peanuts... how am I thinking? What if I am a butterfly dreaming I am a human dreaming that he is a bowl of peanuts falling toward the ground at a hundred miles per hour? I hope I wake up before I hit the ground.

I hit the ground and shatter into pieces, my nuts pitter patter on the ground like rain. Something nudges one of my shards and says," 2 minutes left, little man."

I open my eyes... again. Oh come on! This is getting ridiculous. I turn to Discord, who is now a cloud of flying clocks, ticking in reverse. I shake my head in irritation and get up, taking a few steady stomps toward him. It's time to get serious! Discord has infested my mind like locusts, and he must be... exterminated.

"What muh-my lord Inquisitor?" stutters one of the lowly scribes. I sigh. I knew I should’ve had the entire staff be servitors, Emperor damn my need for human contact. I stare at the insect on my massive power glove with disdain. A quick flip of the switch both fries the bug and strikes fear in the crew.

"You heard me." I say coldly. "Initiate Exterminatus." I gaze at the vox screen of the planet below us, Discordia. It is, and soon to be was, a hive of scum and vermin. The entire world looked like a writhing tumor in space, all its crevices slowly warping and crawling across its surface like maggots, illuminated by an abominable mixture of heretic sorcery and xenos technology. It was a blight on the universe, and I its OxiClean.

I feel the ship’s engine thrum with anticipation, the navigator has a look of ecstasy plastered upon his face. I treat myself to a rare smile. For once, things are going smoothly and I don’t see how anything can go wrong. The sirens blare and the ship shakes violently. An electronic voice politely says, "Air breach detected in sector 8. Air breach detected in sector 7. Air breach detected in sector 6." and so on and so forth, each statement accompanied by a vicious shake, each one more violent then the next. The vox net is full of the sounds of people’s dying screams.

"What’s going on!?" I demand as I turn to look at one of the crew members manning the vox screens. All but one of the adepts were in one piece, the sole yellow robed tech priest was surrounded by the mutilated remains of the crew. Her mechadendrites shifted and shimmered, becoming two blue and orange tentacles. Her eyes glow a desolate white. I knew I should have went with servitors.

"For Discord!" the Crazed chaos worshiper hisses as she flings one of frayed sparking wires at me. Hmmm, Discord must be one of the names for one of the thousand faces of t'zeencht. I grab the incoming wire with my power fist. Bad move, it goes haywire. I see the fist heading right for my face, and my world explodes.

I open my eyes screaming. Damn it all! I just want to get out of this nowhere place! I look at Discord. He is now wearing a black robe and is holding a scythe. He is frowning and tapping his foot impatiently. "One minute left Ashton." He says solemnly, in an almost disappointed sounding tone. This is the last chance I have. I lope over to him, just within reach of his twisted horns. All I have to do is beat discord, and go back to the real world. Although now... I am finding it hard discerning what is real or not. All I want to do is just... Wake up from this nightmare.

I open my eyes. My head hurts and everything feels foggy. I must have been having the weirdest dream... thank god I don't remember any of it. Rubbing my sore cranium, I roll off my immaculate bed and saunter into the living room. Classical music caresses my eardrums. I knew this feeling of happiness and oneness with the universe wouldn't last for long. On the spotless coffee table I spot... it.

It just stands there, but its innocent facade does not fool me! I know an aura of malicious intention when I see it. That can doesn't have peanuts in it! I cautiously walk up to the table, slowly but surely. Well... I don't hear any ticking, so it isn't an explosive. I poke it gingerly. Oh my god it just shook! It must be full of venomous snakes trained to go for the gonads! Fuck that shit!

"Oh Discord!" I say, my voice laden with faux kindness, "Want some... peanuts?"

The draconequus jumps out from behind the door like a giddy school child. "Would I!?" He dives for the can and falls behind the table and out of sight. I crane my neck over the table to see if he’s dead yet but he is nowhere to be found, until I turn to my right and see him munching on what was obviously not snakes.

I gasp. Isn't Discord allergic to peanuts? He starts choking and convulsing. I laugh a little, and soon I am laughing my ass off as Discord’s face starts to swell. What's he pointing at? I feel a warm wetness on the nape of my neck. Oh balls.

I turn around ever so slowly to find a large panda staring at me with dead, white eyes. I give a silent wheeze of pure terror. The panda keeps staring at me, and in a moment of fatalism I notice that this panda was a neapolitan of yellow, blue, and orange. I want to call shenanigans on this, but for some reason, I knew I should have seen this coming. I see only a gaping maw before my eyes close.

I open my eyes the to the whiteness once more. I slowly get to my feet. "Enjoying your last moments of being Ashton, Bright Eyes?" I hear Discord say behind me cheekily. I turn to see him and Bright Eyes staring at me. Although Bright Eyes was now a fully fledged pony Alicorn now, she still wore that glassy white stare. The lights are on, but no one’s home. I wonder if I’m laying down on the floor with that same stare on my face in the real world.

I step back a bit, but I don't know why, it's not like I can outrun them without falling into a dream scene. I shakily say,' “Any way I can convince you not to do this?"

"It's not me that you have to convince spare your mind Ashton, you need to convince yourself to actually care that you are being erased." He sees my look of confusion with a frown. "You are too ingrained into your apathy my dear boy, although you may want to stay, Ashton." He gives a small snort. "Your subconscious couldn't care less!"

I feel my heart thump against my chest like cannonball. He was completely right. The realization makes me hollow inside. I really didn't care, who was I trying to fool? The real reason I had let Discord live with me was that I didn't care enough to shoo him away. I didn't care enough to investigate what had happened with my dad. I don't remember anything of the past week because I didn't care enough to remember it. I slump down and lay on the fainting couch behind me, a fainting couch that wasn't there a second ago. "You are completely right," I say, feeling more and more like I didn't exist.

He nods saying, "Dun't vorry little vun, It vill all ve ovar soon." He is wearing a head mirror and a stethoscope. His eyes were swirling pools of green and yellow... and they were just taking me in deeper... and deeper. That's when it struck me. An epiphany the likes of no other. I am an asshole! I start to feel whole again. Discord frowns, confused at my change of demeanor. I push him away from me.

"My mind is an apathetic cesspool of pop culture and memes..." I slowly say, riling myself up, "My subconscious likes to torture me the way a cat does a mouse, with its psychotic urges and twisted, random, dark thoughts. I like myself as much as I like everyone else, which is none. I silently revel in the miseries and hardships of others, even my-"

"Who doesn't?" he interjects. I stare at him angrily. He rolls his eyes saying, "Go on."

I sigh, the steam taken out of my little speech. Shaking my head I continue, "For all my faults, the one thing I know I excel in is... fucking plans up!" My scream is accompanied by an angelic horn blowing victoriously as everything flashes a bright white. We are in Ponyville, except its not Ponyville. The pink swirling clouds are raining chocolate milk, pies are falling up, and a line of bison are doing the ballet. Discord looks around and smiles to himself, then looks at me. His grin widens as he walks past me... or through me in this case. I turn to see him walking up to a throne. He gingerly situates himself in the seat and begins to hum. He snaps his fingers and conjures a chocolate milk of glass.

He drinks the glass and says to himself with a laugh," Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing." He throws the chocolate milk behind him, it explodes.

Behind me I hear another voice shout out, "Not as wonderful as... friendship!" Discord does a spit take, which doesn't look so good when you just drank an entire glass whole. I turn to see the source of the voice, Twilight Sparkle. Except it wasn't Twilight Sparkle, only a pale imitation, a fake, a phony, an illusion, but it‘s good enough for Discord, who looks slightly shaken as he reexamines the chaos of this Ponyville.

Discord gives a sigh of relief as he looks down. He calmly says with his eyes closed, "That is one friendship lesson I learned the hard way..." He opens his eyes. "One that I will never go through again." He snaps his fingers. His throne glows brightly then shifts and warps around him. It is now an electric chair... one that he’s strapped into. He begins to sweat, he twists and turns as the bindings get tighter and tighter. He panics and starts snapping his fingers wildly.

Each snap changes Ponyville. The chocolate rain clouds turn a dark grey as they begin to thunder. The sky grows dark as it suddenly becomes night. The pies suddenly stop falling up and become grim ghastly spectators swirling around the trapped Discord. All the buildings surrounding discord folded in on themselves until it was nothing but an empty field. Soon even that field was gone leaving just Discord, the whirlwind of lost souls, and the lackluster shades of the mane six.

He begins gibbering." No no no no no no no no no! Not again! Please! Anything but this!" He tugs at his restraints some more, although in vain.

"Alright, ladies, let's show him what friendship can do!" Fakelight Sparkle said. Her voice sounded like she was talking underwater. Her eyes start glowing bright red as she and all the other shades floated gingerly into the air. The ''Elements of Harmony" hanging around their necks flashed dully. I slurp a coke that I suddenly had in my hand. A lackluster prismatic wave hits discord, his screams are silenced.

Everything vanishes... the clouds, the ghosts, the throne and the shades. All gone. Except for a statue of a terrified Discord. I frown. It must be a trick. Chains materialize around the stoned Discord, although they are purely aesthetic, they give me some comfort. I slowly walk up to the statue, each step makes that nugget of doubt in my gut heavier and heavier. I prod the freakish rock with my lance. What coke?

The statue rocks a bit, but does nothing else. "Show yourself Discord! I know you’re still there!" Nothing happens, my eye twitches and the lance snaps like a twig. I grind my teeth and whisper, "It's finally over." I wince as I quickly look behind me to find... nothing. It takes a few minutes to register. I turn to the statue with a look of bafflement. "Holy shit" I exclaim. I’ve got a god trapped in my head.

What do I do now? Shouldn't I wake up now? Didn't I win!? Damn it, was Discord my only ticket out my head!? I don't need some overconfident jackass of a warped deity to get me out of here! I am already out of my mind... in a sense, but I am sure that there isn't much difference between the two here. In fact, I bet if I totally snapped here, I would go full circle and wake up sane!

Besides, what other choice do I have? I stroke my chin in thought as I consider what to try first. I remember hearing from somewhere online that physical trauma may cause psychological damage. I suddenly have a morningstar in my hand. I gaze at it with distaste. Much to violent, much to drawn out, and so cliche. It turns into dust in my hands. Suddenly I am surrounded by speakers, and I was now holding a box with a button labeled: Bass-Dropper 9000 I shake my head and push the button.

I wake up, my head pounding, standing in some kind of gunk. All the speakers are on fire and squealing. I look at the gunk again, it smells like blood. I guess physical harm does squat if it’s an instant death. This won't work out then, I’m too much of a pansy to deal with pain. Okay , My next option is going through extreme psychological trauma... or some serious mind jarring stuff that makes me doubt what is real and what is fantasy. A plane with the face of Stephen Colbert on the front of it flies around my head. It shouts out, “America!”

I’m sure this is going to be easy.

I am on a ziggurat, a man is strapped down before me. In my hand is a curved dagger. It is glaringly obvious what I need to do. I inspect the doomed man. His face is covered by a black veil. I shouldn't end his life without seeing his face, it isn't polite after all. I yank off the veil and gasp. It's me! At first I grin at me... then I frown. Traumatic experiences aren't supposed to be enjoyable! I walk off the ziggurat and throw the knife behind me. It lands with a sickening splotch. I laugh.

Alright, so traumatic experiences won't work here I guess. That only leaves me with one last option. Evoking the old ones! I start chanting. "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" Soon a rift opens up. A foul rift that ebbs at the corners of the dreamscape and threatens to swallow it whole. Something is prodding its way out of the rift, like pus out of an infected gash. I start scream. I use the stapler that was in my hand for some reason and start stapling. I staple like a man possessed. The rift is once again closed, more or less. I stop screaming. I rub my face in frustration. It would be so much simpler to just make a deal with the devil to get out of here...

I blink. I look at the statue of discord, which is now upright. In front of it is a mahogany desk, with an intercom and a sheet of expensive looking paper on top of it. I walk steadily to the desk, and with a shaky outstretched hand, I press the intercom button. I gulp and pause, my mind draws a blank. I break the silence and blurt out, "Discord?"

I hear a hollow, strained laughter emit from the speaker. "Well played Ashton," he says with eerie calmness. "Now why don't you just let me out and we can just forget all about this incident and play a nice quiet game of-"

"You can't get out can you", I interrupt as I smile.

"Pfft." He snorts in derision. "I can break this seal!"

"You can't break that seal." I say knowingly.

I hear him growl angrily as he shouts, "Just watch me!" I feel pressure at the back of my head as Discord’s statue starts to shake. I see a crack appear in it. Fuck that shit! I throw all my will and anger at the force building up in my head. I hear struggling coming from the speaker. Discord sighs and the pressure dissipates. "Fine, so I can't break-" Squeak! My eyes widen in surprise at the sound. A wheeze comes from the speaker. I realize that I’m still putting force on that spot. I stop and Discord gasps for breath. My smile grows even larger. I put pressure on the spot again. Squeak! I let go again, he gasps. Wax on...Squeak! Wax off. Discord says "Alright, you've had your-" Squeak!

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

I start laughing maniacally until I hear Discord shout out between the squeaking, "Enough! I may not- Squeak! - be able to- Squeak! Stop that!"

"Not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot huh?" I say with a snark, grabbing a cigar and lighting it. It tastes like copper. I suppose I better stop squeezing Discord like a chew toy... I'm starting to get dizzy. I release the force I am putting on the strange spot.

Discord wearily says, "As I was saying... although I may not be able to break this seal." His becomes cold and harsh... frost was actually forming on the intercom. "I know exactly how to break you!"

The threat threw me off but I managed to hide my discomfort behind a sneer, "I thought you were a bigger ma... drag... Thing then to resort to intimidation Discord, I totally see through that bluff."

My skin starts to tingle and I feel nothing but apprehension as Discord starts laughing. "Who says I’m bluffing?" The tingling worsens into a full blown electrifying sensation. He starts singing. Then all hell breaks loose. Cracks start to form around us. From the cracks bubble out the vile tendrils of what Discord calls madness. As the tumor-like writhing mass begins to spread out my vision blurs. The cracks look like they are widening, or was it that chunks of the dreamscape were shrinking down into nothingness?

I slam the intercom button and scream out, "Stop it! Won't this doom us both?" The madness suddenly stops growing around us. I release the button, Discord is still singing his maddening ditty. The insanity resumed its spreading. I press the button and tape it down, now savvy to Discord’s trick. Dials and switches suddenly rise up from the desk. Most of them were just decorative, except a dial hastily marked Tone. It was set to max. I turn the knob off and rip the tape off of the button. A muted buzzing tone comes from the speaker. The twitching black slime retreats into the cracks, which soon disappear entirely. The buzzing shortly becomes a monotone wheeze.

Discord is quiet for a few minutes before he starts laughing again, or at least, I think it was laughter... it came in short bursts of static like a cup of coke fizzling out an amp. "You’re just as stuck as me Ashton! Without me you can't get out, so why don't we just put all this behind us and-"

I jam the button, cutting him off. "You want out of there much more then I want out of here Discord and I’m just spiteful enough to let you stew in there for a couple dream centuries. Just hear me out and-" A Mechanical arm pops out of a secret hole on the desk and slaps my hand away from the intercom. It then turned the Tone dial back up.

"Ah, much better." Discord says as I try to fight off the malicious machine currently trying to poke my eyes out with my kung-fu skills. "You don't have the willpower to wait an hour, much less a dozen centuries. I will be in here 30 minutes, at the most" I taze the arm with a cattle prod. "Ack!" Discord screeches.

I look on as all the dials, buttons, and switches rearrange themselves. "I’m sure I can distract myself", I say as the buttons began labeling themselves. A plaque appear just below the rows and rows of buttons before me. It says:

!Super Happy Fun Time Button Winner Game!
From Asphyxiation to Xenos chest buster, we've gotcha covered

My smile widens even more as my fingers stroll among the field of buttons, hunting for just the right one. Hmmm... Burn him or Eat him... Why can't it be both? His squeals of agony are a delight to my ears. What next? Zap him? Drowning? Blow out his ears with classical music? Oh the choices are too much! My maniacal laughter fills the void of whiteness we are surrounded by. Hell, why don't I just... press them all at the same time!? Twenty hands spring out from my robe. Press all the buttons!

The speaker just whines, squeals and fizzles out. The mechanical hand jerks about. Blood seeps out and I hear nothing but gurgling from Discord. Ooops, I think I broke him. My many hands disappear in a puff of logic. Said logic dies screaming. I press the intercom button again," Discord? You okay little baby?"

"Just fine" The speaker sputters out a gout of blood. I smile as I summon the almighty keyboard cat. The adorable pianist tap dances on the buttons to the tune of dragon force. I dance to Discord’s anguish. After a few minutes of cold torture I stop the cat with a ball of explosive yarn. "Okay! Okay! What do I have to do to get out of here!?" he cries out between wheezes.

Finally! I roll my eyes and press down the intercom buttons as all the other ones sink back into the desk. "I want to make a deal."

"Fine! Whatever you want! Just let me out of here!" He pleads.

I blink. What the hell am I supposed to say now? I give a small whistle as I press the button and say, "Hmmm... how will I know that you will hold your end of the bargain?"

"I am nothing if not a thing of my word," he says in a mocking tone. A few of the torture buttons reappear on the desk again. I eye them with restrained lust.

Well he hasn't really lied to me once yet... actually, I have never seen him lie. I sigh and release the button saying, "Alright, first things first, get out, and stay out of my fucking head. You know what? I don't want you to even think about directly fucking with my mind, okay?"

"Fiiiiine" he moans. Suddenly the piece of paper flashes. It now reads: Ye olde & complexe contract of the damnede. I frown, much to old english-y for me. The page starts to fill up with complex and loophole ridden legalese.

"Discord, I am going to be in charge of this contract, you aren't going to worm your way out of this deal using your fancy talk."

"Sacre' bleu!" he yelps as the words rearrange themselves into harsh, barely legible writing that reads, ”I am too much of a pussy whipped bitch-boy to deal with Discord directly screwing with my brain hole. Damn subconscious.

"Next up I uhhh... shit." I have no Idea what to say... my mind must be wearing down due to all this zany shit going on. Wait... that gives me an idea! "I want to win any game of my choosing against you."

The speaker growls with static, "Fine! How about battleship?"

"No, I’m talking about the serious games you are going to start having when we get out of here"

"But no one is supposed to win those games!"

"Exactly, and the losers usually end up screwed by the end of it."

"That's what makes it fun!"

"I don't care, I either win a game against you in the future, or I let keyboard cat play a rendition of Faeries Aire and Death Waltz on the pain-keyboard here." I say menacingly.

"I knew it! Only a cat could be so cruel! Just like my mother in laws... she was over 75% cat you know." He starts to ramble on about his family. Boring! I yawn as I press the taser button. He screams. "Fine! You can win the game of your choosing," he yelps. The contract flashes again.

There is an additional paragraph that says: I am so much of a pansy loser that I require a contract to win any game of my choosing I play against Discord.

Damn, well, there goes my self esteem. I double tap the taser button, Discord screams. And now it's back. Now... what else can I wring out of this deal? I think long and hard over this monumental decision. I come to the obvious conclusion. "I want the fudge."

Discord is silent for a minute. "What."

"You heard me. I want the fudge I smelled when I found you."

Discord pauses again. He gives a restrained giggle and says, "Suuuure, you shall get your delicious fudge, and all that it entails." He laughs as the paper flashes yet again.

The new addendum says: I am a complete idiot who is going to have this contract backfire horribly on me, oh, and I like fudge. I shrug, since I kinda expected that this

I can't think of anything else I want. "Alright, do you abide by the wishes of this contract?"

"The Discord abides." The mechanical arm reaches under the desk and grabs a pair of sunglasses, which it proceeds to fling at Discord’s terrified statue. It somehow manages to land perfectly on his face, perched on his nose. "Now for my side of the arrangement?" The paper flashes again.

The next sentence is just squiggles squirming around. It kinda hurts my eyes looking at it. "What the hell is this shit discord? I said that I was going to write this contract!" The markings readjust themselves into my illegible chicken scratch. It reads: Boo hoo! The widdle spirit of disharmony wants out of his stony cell!

"Alright, so how are we supposed to do this?" I ask.

"Just lay down and relax my little friend," he says with a bit too much vehemence for my taste. I bite my lower lip and smile as I push the button labeled: Violate. He gives a low moan and suddenly screams, "That doesn't go in there!" I giggle and get on the fainting couch that appears behind me. I think of frolicking through a field of kittens and puppies.

"Okay what’s next?"

"This!" He grunts and the pressure on the spot reappears in full force. Meh, what’s the worst that could happen? Discord tumbles out of my head with a loud pop. Pretty ponies hahahaha! Babbages! Corn flakes! French vanilla pudding!

As my brain juices leak and I am rendered a vegetable in my own head, my left eye stares at discord, who is currently panting. My right eye admires a piece of lint on the couch. Discord stares at me with disdain. He growls and mutters, "Running out of juice... can't stay here much longer." He takes a quick glance at me and sneers. "Looks like I won't need to hold up on my end of the deal for a while. I doubt you’ll ever remember this as a dream, if at all." He looks at me and frowns. "I wonder if there are other people like you on earth..." He starts laughing. "If there are, then I’m gonna be out of a job!"

He looks at his wrist and yelps. "Oh look at the time! Well, we best be going." He fades into nothingness. I am left alone for a few moments when I suddenly feel something squirm in the back of my now exposed brain. I hear Discord mumbling behind me, "Of course... I can't leave without really looking in that delightful head of yours! Don't worry, I won't screw with it... directly anyway." I feel something slither out of my mind. I am flung airborne along with the couch. Discord yelps.

I am upside down against the upturned couch, my drool is pooling at the back of my throat. I see a tall dark figure in a ripped tuxedo. The patches where skin would have shown are glowing pools black light. Where there should have been a head is a tiki mask surrounded by a haze of shadows. In place of eyes he has only bright shards of red. "Hello puff puff, ready for round two?"

Discord facepalms, rolling his eyes groaning as his lion paw slips down his face. He stares at the stranger. "For once, I really don't have time for these shenanigans." Discord raises his nose snobbishly and snaps his finger. Nothing happens and he opens his eyes. He grinds his teeth and his face becomes a caricature of rage. Steam blows out his ears as he visibly calms down. "Pfft, it's not like you can do anything to me." He doesn't seem to notice that the tiki man is glowing. Pretty colors

"Oh Dickhead, guess what?" Tiki man says in an intentional lisp, his tiki mask taking the guise of a lolcat.

"What?!" he yells, exasperated. He finally looks at the tiki face. His ears fold, and his mouth opens wide in shock.

"I'mma firin mah lazer!" The shadowy tiki man screeches. A rainbow beam spurts out and heads straight for Discord, who looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Discord manages to snap out of it and dive out of the way... for the most part.

"Hah! you have to try a little harder then that to get good ol' Discord!" He laughs, and turns to see the mysterious specter. Then he notices that his tail has been turned to stone and that the rest of him was also slowly turning into stone. His eye twitches, and then he screams.

"Oh Ashton was waaaay to chillaxed with his torturing... I'm thinking of starting out with violating you with a smoldering electric cattle prod and working my way up to-" The tiki man (lets call him Crazy Voice) begins laughing a harsh, cruel, maniacal laugh that stabbed into my eardrums like daggers of malicious mirth.

Discord stares at Crazy Voice for a moment. He then smiles and says "Well, it's been a smashing good time," He pulls a hammer from behind his back and gives a crazed smile. "But I am afraid I must be going!" He shatters his stoned tail. Crazy Voice roars with anger and releases another rainbow blast, but it's too late, Discord has vanished, leaving only a few words behind. "Not direct at all..."

Crazy voice grumbles. "Fucking pansy!" It turns to look at me with those evil glinting red shards of hate. I feel him/her/it spit on my face. "What the hell are you looking at punk? Get the hell out of here." I see a fancy steel spiked boot head right for me. Who turned out the lights?

"AHHHH!!!" I scream out. I open my eyes. "AHHH! My eyes!" Damn, the sun sure is bright today! I rub the sleep out of my eyes. What the hell happened last night and why does my head feel like date-rape? Not that I would know how that feels, but I heard somewhere that it’s pretty bad. I sigh as I put a pillow over my head and try to get back to sleep. I feel something squirm under the covers. "Discord, I swear to god if that's you I will poison your bacon the next time I fix it. I swear to God!"

"I wan pway! I wan pway!" I hear a small voice come from under the covers. Sweet jesus! I scramble out from the covers and hightail it to the back of the bed. From the covers crawl out what appears to be a ball of pure blue fluff, with two wide eyes right in the middle of it.. My eyes widen in disbelief. It’s a fluffy pony! Hnnnng! I faint.

I hope I have sufficiently fondled your brain holes for today. see yah next chapter!

Chapter Seven: Traveling (DANGER ZONE)

Chapter Seven
April 21

“All the pathos and irony of leaving one’s youth behind is thus implicit in every joyous moment of travel: one knows that the first joy can never be recovered, and the wise traveler learns not to repeat successes but tries new places all the time.” – Paul Fussell

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” – Cesare Pavese

That is a really big gun.

~Are you surprised as I am that she isn't black? Or a Nazi skin head? Or a terminator?

What?

~Nothing.~

I would face palm now if I could, but the crazy woman currently pointing a gun at me right now would probably shoot me for twitching. My armpits are chaffing something fierce right now. Why did I shave them again?

~Prettying yourself up for Discord.~

I give a quick look at Discord. He had his hands up as well, and he was looking at me as well. Pfft, even Discord wouldn't- He takes a quick peek at my armpit through one of the burn holes and winks at me. Never mind. I look back at the chick, who I have decided to name Bright Eyes since I doubt she would be willing to give her name out to the people shes mugging. She looks kinda disgusted, and vaguely familiar.

"Didn't you faggots hear me? Give me all your money!" Bright Eyes shouts holding her gun sideways, like a gangster. Oh balls, she's serious!

I look back at Discord, he is unimpressed, and I am unsurprised. He obviously wouldn't know the seriousness of this. I don't think he knows what a life and death situation is. This will probably lead to some long, deep meaningful conversation between the two of us. Great...

"I just LOVE your outfit!" Discord gushes. "Such a pretty pony aren't you?" Damn your chocolate-milk-pretzel heart Discord, damn it to hell. He frowns when Bright Eyes just stands there confused. "You don't know us do you?" She slowly shakes her head. "Ah, well, how did you get here then?" He asks politely.

She looks like she was going to answer the question, but the teeny tiny light bulb in her head flashes. "Hey! I am mugging you right now, give me all your money or I shoot the little one." She points the gun at me.

"He's the one who called you pretty pony!" I shout, indignant. I must not fear. A bead of sweat trickles down my chest. Fear is the mind killer.

"And you have the face I want to shoot. Money, now!" She clenches the gun. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. Her scowl deepens.

I turn to Discord, who is picking his nose with his pinky finger in arrogance. "Money is that green stuff isn't it?" He points at me. "Last time I checked, he had all the money."

I will face my fear. "I don't have any money Discord." I hiss through my teeth. He shrugs.

I look back at our punk mugger. Her hair is a such pastel eyesore, and the yellow jacket just makes it worse. "Well?" She sneers. "Are you going to give me the money, or do I have to take it myself?" I will permit it to pass over me, and through- That is a really big gun.

I don't really know much about guns aside from which way the bang-bang hole is supposed to point toward to, and a host of one liners to say when you shoot them. Oh, and that the safety needs to be off before you can shoot it. "The safeties off." I say to no one in particular.

She looks down and says," What?" I yank Discord, and make a mad dash down the street. "Come back here you fart knockers!" She screams behind us. I wonder if it was even loaded. I hear a loud crack, and bits of concrete fly up and sting my shins. Yes it was.

Discord gets ahead of me. Looks like he's got the picture. He is getting way head of me now. What was that proverb again?

~You don't need to be faster then the crazy bitch, just faster then the poor sap you dragged along with you?~

That's the one. My legs are locking up, my lungs are burning and I gotta pee! Why should I even keep running anyway? It's not like she would really chase us. I look behind me. Bright Eyes is still chasing us, a maniacal gleam in her silver eyes. Her gun flashes and I hear something zoom by my ear. Well, there's my second wind!

I have no idea how long I have been running. I think this is it though. The end of Ashton. I've lived a long enough life I guess.

~Buckle up you pansy, you have only been running a minute~

Bah, screw you. I see Discord ahead of me, guess he couldn't shake me off. I wonder if I am still being chased. I'm afraid if look back, I'll fall flat on my face. Just gotta keep running. I hear gunfire behind me. Just keep running. Discord doesn't look like he's doing so hot.

He goes into one of the abandoned houses. That's not a bad idea actually. Okay, its a horrible idea, but at least I won't keel over and face plant on some concrete running from this psycho. I barge through the door behind Discord, thankful that he didn't lock it. Oh, it doesn't have a door knob. I look around for something to barricade the door. I push a decrepit cabinet over in front of the door.

I smell a familiar aroma. Amongst the smells of cat piss and mold I smell the smokey scent of pot. Some stoners have obviously toking it up in here. I hope Discord doesn't get... stoned.

~YEAAAAAH!!!~

I follow the scent to the next room. I see a panting Discord and two straggly stoners sitting on a couch together. "For the last time I am not stoned!" He yells. "Well, not now at any rate." He looks around himself anxiously.

The stoners laugh. "Whatever man, we don't judge." They look at me and giggle. "Hey! Its that leprechaun you were talking about!" They clutch their sides and fall to the floor laughing. I stare at Discord, who only shrugs, playing innocent.

"So did you lose little miss pony?" He asks.

"No, I defeated her with the power of friendship." I sarcastically say between ragged breaths. He grinds his teeth angrily. "Hit a soft point?" I laugh.

"Pfft, so where is Bright Eyes then?"

"Wait, how did you know her name was-" There is a pounding at the door. I sigh. "There's your answer." The doors hinges burst off, and it falls over the crummy cabinet.

"I want your money, losers!" Discord grabs me and takes me to another room. A cramped room to make it easier for her to kill us, no doubt. Probably the closet, or a disgusting bathroom.

The smell makes me gag. Definitely a bathroom! I try to claw at the door but discord stops me, so I just claw at my face a bit. "Any reason why we are in a bathroom instead of escaping that psycho?"

"When you got to go, you got to go." He says in a just-cause kind of tone, as he drops his sweat pants. I stare at the incredibly fascinating lighting fixture. Just don't think about it, just don't think about it, just don't-

~Penis!~

I sigh. I gag again. I regret sighing. I slowly turn my gaze to Discord's face, Careful not to look down there, and ask ," And why did you bring me in with you for your tinkle?" I heard a stream of liquid pouring into the sink basin and watch the grin of relief on Discords face

He rubs his beard thoughtfully. Yuck. He looks at me and says," Because."

I shake my head in irritation. Then I hear Bright Eyes. "Come out, come out dick wads!" You know what? One last pee isn't such a bad idea. I unbutton my jeans and lift the seat gingerly, using my shirt like mittens to grab the grimy lid. I see two eyes peering at me from the commode. That can't be good. I hear hissing. That really can't be good.

Discord looks down into the toilet and laughs. He keeps laughing. I feel sick. It's not the sickness I was expecting though. Discord is laughing louder. It feels like I'm falling up while eating a lemon snow cone. The room starts to shake from Discords laughing. I feel like everything is wrong with the world, that the ceiling should be the floor and the floor should be the ball pit full of bullfrogs.

~It's about to get trippy dog, so you better kumquat it on the herp a derp~

Discord just laughs and laughs and laughs. I clutch the counter, or try to as the counter reaches and grabs me. The snake starts laughing. The someone starts pounding on the melting door, but that doesn't matter because I am looking in the mirror, except it isn't a mirror, but a screen, a computer screen. The room reverberates with laughter, or was the room itself laughing? On this screen was a familiar sight, a fic page on FimFiction. It had a picture of Discord in the exact same outfit I found him in. PonyFall:Adventures in Chaos by Draequine Isn't that my username? I read the description located next to the picture

Nothing Is impossible, only improbable!
Ashton Thomas is a miserable crazed recluse living in Kentucky. He is bored with life in general, his sole enjoyment coming from MLP:FiM and fanfiction. He has no idea what to do with his life. Then one day, reality had decided to drop the ball.Now the sky is flashing pink, and a stranger is forced upon him, smelling of fudge. A stranger that should have been left locked in stone.

(Beware:lots of cursing in this fic, and slight sexual tension)

This is part of a collaboration I have started where you self-insert yourself into a story where you find a humanized character from the MLP:FiM universe. Why don't you join in? http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=405

Cover source: http://www.ponibooru.org/post/view/64482?search=discord%20humanized
(Need some original cover art)

What? WHAT!? Now I start laughing, but I can't help it. I feel more like curling up on the floor crying. The screen shifts to another page, this one is an IRC. It's smaller then mainchat, but there are plenty of people on it. I don't know any of them, the only name I recognize is my own, Draquine. It had an exclamation before its name. What did that mean again? I read the chat.

[20:20] <!Draequine> Blaarrrrggg, Finally got to the part... So, Which one of you guys should I visit first?
[20:20] Not It!
[20:20] Nope
[20:20] Fuck that shit!
[20:20] Sure I guess
[20:21] <!Draequine> No, I am not touching your shit fic with a 20 foot pole. Besides, I have a bullshit plot device at my disposal, who cares if your closer?
[20:21] I'll do it.
[20:21] <!Draequine> Nope, I hate you.
[20:21] http://foodporndaily.com/explore/food/ ENF ENF ENF
[20:21] Ummm... I want to work on my prologue a little more because I decided I wanted twilight more then two daring do's... if that's alright.
[20:21] Not until you apologize.
[20:21] <!Draequine> For what!?
[20:21] You know what you did >_>
[20:21] <!Draequine> I guess that just leaves fmp, since if I go with bridgebrain then Discord will die to soon.
[20:22] Hi
[20:22] Draequine.
[20:22] <!Draequine> ...
[20:22] Rainbowdashian has been kicked by !Draequine (GTFO TRASH)

The text fades into a troll face, which fades into a swirling mass of green and yellow. Discord is still laughing as the door finally flushes down an invisible drain and Bright Eyes walks into the cramped bathroom. "Give me that money, and maybe I won't kill you dumbass...es?" She disappears into a puff of smoke. I don't really care though, I look back at the mirror.

"Are you seeing this too?" I ask Discord who has finally shut the hell up.

"Does a dream smell like candy?" He replies staring into the swirling portal.

"No?"

"Yes!"

"Yes to my no or yes to your answer?"

Discord squints at me... and smacks me against the freaky mirror. I sink in slowly. "Ooooh." He says, interested for once. "I wonder where this rabbit hole leads." The last thing I see is he crooked smile.

"Meow?" I hear as I plummet entirely into the mirror.

This isn't really what I expected. I was falling through color. Not necessarily falling, but rather, sailing. Besides the color there was nothing. It's so lonely. So bleak. So boring. I could use a coke. From the seamless color appears a glass of coke. I take it and slurp it down. Pretty good. I look around and see what else I can do here.

"Whatcha doin'?" ask Discord, who suddenly appears beside me.

"Regretting that I took the blue pill."

Discord looks at me questioningly. "What's a pill?"

I sigh and shake my head. I won't bother to explain it. My head hurts something awful. "So what is this place?"

"Nowhere." He disappears. "Somewhere." He says behind me. "And everywhere." He waves his hand in a wide arch.

"How do we get out of here?"

"Simple!" A door appears behind him. Just as he goes through it, he says," You just do!"

The door vanishes, and I am alone again. Alright, simple enough, just make a door out. I look on as a crude warped curtain appears. I watch as tentacle slither out from it. Alright, not so simple. The disturbing curtain disappears. Wait... he just left me. HE JUST LEFT ME! Fine then, screw him. I'll go back through the way I came.

A mirror appears before me. Looks normal enough. I walk toward it. I see myself in it. Wait... that isn't me. The man in the mirror is taller then me, his eyes are brown, and his hair, his hair looks almost as bad as mine! Is this what could have been? I could have been a slightly taller, hipster version of me? I am glad I didn't turn out that way.

I look around me. I am in a tacky little bathroom. The same bathroom that the mirror me is in. Meh, not what I would have done, but it could have been worse. I wave at him, he waves back. This is really trippy. Wait... what if its me who is the mirror clone? AHHH! I just have to out maneuver him. I do a little spin, he does a little spin. He pulls a silly face, I pull a silly face. I flip him off, he flips me off. I start banging on the mirror, he doesn't.

Now we are getting somewhere! Alright, Lets try to communicate with him logically. Surely he knows morsecode! Unless morse code is mainstream in this mirror universe, then I'd be-

~ You are going to break the mirror... Now.~

The mirror shatters in on itself. The mirror me just looks on at me, his eyes twitching. Cracks of light spread throughout the bathroom I am in. That can't be good. The toilet falls through one of the cracks, leaving behind a gapping hole of nothingness. The crack starts to widen. Alright! I get the point! I climb onto the counter. I crawl through the mirror, managing to cut my hands on all the broken shards and tumble onto the hard tiles on the other side.

I'm tempted to just go into the corner and rock myself to sleep, but this is a bathroom after all. But it wouldn't hurt to just... close my eyes for a while. I hear the mirror person get closer. He is holding something in his hand. It looks long and hard.

"Hello?" I say, just as the mirror man swings down the nightstand. Blackness.

~Ouch~

Gonna take a break until the other writer gets to this point. Probably a week or so.

Chapter Eight: True Colors (DANGER ZONE)

Chapter Eight
~~April 21~~ April 16

I am not a bad man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily good either. It's kind of a gray area for me really, I'm polite, kind (most of the time), humble, and an intuitive individual, when the situation calls for it.. I'm also apathetic, selfish, detached, and generally off my rocker- if my chats with my other half are anything to go by. I like My Little Pony, kittens and candy. I also have an appreciation for people worse off then me, practical jokes and if my choice of company is anything to go by, chaos.

What I don't like however, is being bored, being talked down to, being threatened by fools, and I just can't stand little kids! Oh sure, they have their uses, mainly being d'aaw fodder, but you can always depend on a kid messing something up.

Pain... Pain was the first thing that came. Then the voice.

~That was sooner then one would expect... TV LIED TO US!~

Then I heard a thump. The sound of someone scrambling on carpet, the frantic breaths of someone in the middle of a panic attack. I wish I was panicking right now. Then I probably wouldn’t be hurting. I hear a door slam open, the sound of footsteps quickly leaving the room, and then complete silence.

I take a quick inventory. Alright, still got toes... fingers... one nose, two nostrils... a mouth... and a rather sizable bump on my head. As far as I can tell, I haven’t been hideously warped beyond all recognition. Then again, I haven’t seen a mirror. I don’t think I want to see another mirror for quite a while.

But he had to clonk me for a reason, whoever he was.

~Well you do look like an asshole.~

You know what, screw you, screw this day, and screw getting up. I let sleep overtake me. I hope Discord had gotten himself eaten by Cthulhu.

I rouse from my slumber if you could call it that... my head was throbbing. I seem to have rolled around the bathroom in my short time sleeping, I feel the cool linoleum against my face... it was slightly damp- Ewww. I hear a voice. I quickly roll over the floor and back into the position that I think I was originally at.

“...it happened in the bathroom,right?” Said someone behind the door, the tone of disbelief apparent. I hear the door knob turning. “ I’ve been kept up by two liters of cheap soda and even that hasn’t made me...” the voice pauses. The small bathroom fills with her shout”Jesus! Why is there a fricking guy in here?! John what the hell?!”

I hear the footsteps of the man who knocked me upside the head. Keep still, keep still. “Sybil, you wanna call me crazy again?”

“Well what should we do?”

“I...” I hear him slap his forehead. “Well there weren’t pink skies this time, but there’s only one explanation for this.”

“Pony?”

“Pony.”

Wait... they think I am a pony... even though I came out through a window. Damn it, what do I have to fucking do to convince people I AM A WIZARD!

~You are not a wizard, and will never be a wizard. Stop lollygagging, they are up to something.~

“Crap, if he’s new here, he’ll freak out! We can’t have him do that in the dorm rooms.” He pauses, probably to scratch his head in befuddlement; that’s what I would be doing around now anyways. “Sybil, do you think it’d be safe to put him in a bed?”

Damn, a bed would be so nice right now.

“I don’t know. If he freaks that won’t be good. I’ve got some zip ties for his hands and feet though.”

“That might be best for now. Go get those. I’ll call up Pete to see if he can stay somewhere else tonight.”

“Okay. I’ll be right back, just be careful, okay?”

“Well, I think I conked him pretty hard. He’ll probably be out for a bit.” Score one for TV education. “We all need sleep though and we’ll get nowhere without it.” I hear the lighter pair of footsteps leave the bathroom, leaving me with the man presumed to be named John. I feel his breath on my face, it smells faintly of gnocchi... which reminded me of the spaghetti on my shirt. I hear him say, “Who are you?”

~Oh, there is just sooo much you could do with this moment... Don’t screw this up!~

Lets see, I could suddenly open my eyes and scream at him.... He sounds pretty weary and I bet it would take a second or two for him to register me scaring him. Hehe-oh shit my mouth. I felt my mouth squirm a bit. He bends down further. Oh crap, he thinks I’m gonna say something. Errr... ummm.... I remember my shirt again. I muster all I can to keep myself from smiling. I take a breath and force words through loose lips, acting like I’m still knocked out. “Fwoals I’ma gweat an pawful Twixie.”

I wish I could see his face right now... I bet his eyes are bugging out and everything. “What’s going on?” He says, completely flabbergasted.

I hear Sybil run back into the room. “John! What’s going on? I can hear you from the hallway.”

“Sybil, we got trouble. That’s Trixie.”

HAHAHAHAhahahaha, oh God my sides. Don’t move! Don’t move or all will be lost!

“What?” she says, probably with the same expression that John had on his face.

“He... she mumbled her name. Plus, look!” I feel John poking the middle of my chest. “Isn’t that her cutie mark?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I haven’t seen that episode in a while.” I hear the sound of plastic on plastic. “I do remember her being loud and boisterous though. John, you’d better get the duct tape.” I am beginning to regret my decision to pretend I am a pony. “It’s safer to keep her quiet until we’re sure she won’t talk. We’d better keep her in my room too. Jane and I will keep watch on her, you’re out of commission until tomorrow.”

I hear John walk away for a moment as Sybil straps the ties around my legs and arms. “Got it.”

“Thanks.” I hear tape tearing. Sybil slaps it on my face. That’s going to suck taking it off. Sybil grabs my right arm and swings it over her shoulder, carrying me like a small backpack. “Okay, I’ll take care of ‘her’ you get some rest now, though I’ll get you in the morning, okay?”

Her gentle swaying as she carries me down the hall lulls me into a deep sleep... the last thing I hear before I really pass out is John saying, “Righ....”

Oh Ashton.... Asssshhhhton... It’s time to wake up. Six eyes staring Six eyes staring Six eyes six eyes six eyes six six six.

Ahh, I feel so good. I really needed that nap. My eyes can barely open. I’m sure I don’t even want to really wake up yet. I feel someone nudge my shoulder. Screw waking up. I don’t move. I feel someone’s breath on me... Fine! I’ll wake up. I open my eyes. Three, three pairs of eyes stare at me with what looks like hard cruel malice.

Gotta get up! Gotta get up! Can’t move my hands! Ah! Crap! Crap! Crap! I shove my head forward in a mad attempt for freedom. I make contact. I don’t really feel anything, must be the adrenalin. I hear a yelp. Someone did feel something at least... Good. I scream.

...Or try to, all that comes out is, ”Mphfaafalf faf! Gwarfaf afw pwalf twiflalf dafdf wahla sha ifal!” I have masking tape plastered on my face. It tugs at my hair. How the hell did I get here? I look at the man who is grabbing me by my shoulders.

“Trixie! Trixie! It’s okay! I know this is all really strange, but we’re not gonna hurt you. So just calm down and we can take the tape and ties off, okay? Then we can explain everything.”

Dear god, I have been abducted by psycho bronies who have gotten it in their heads that I’m Trixie!

~Cranky Doodle Donkey, I could understand... but Trixie? You give yourself waaay too much credit.~

I stop trying to escape. I look around the room, trying to take it all in. My captors probably think I am still panicking. Okay so there’s a computer in this room. Plan A; incapacitate everyone, get on the computer and watch the new season finale pony video. Three of my captors, little girls come up and talk to me.

“Um, Ms. Trixie, I know we haven’t met, but you know my sister from Ponyville. Mr. John’s a really nice po-er... person, so can you please calm down?” A little girl with weird purple and pink hair. Damn, who dyed her hair like that? Pretty awesome.

“Yeah! Ah mean, we were all pretty scared too, but it got better” the red headed one said. Wait... it’s all coming back to me. Freaking Discord. Wait, these two seem reaaaallly familiar. But where are they fr- Oh my God equestrians. But... why don’t I know which ones they are? And I call myself a brony... for shame. “At least ya got to keep your mark,” she mumbled. So she’s young pony then, if she doesn’t have a cutie mark.

Giving one last sweep of the room, lingering on the computer before I face the man holding my shoulders. “Okay, now that we’re all nice and calm, why don’t-” This is the guy who clonked me with a shower stand... I take in a deep breath, and spit off the masking tape. Ouch! It slaps against his face with a plop. “What the...”

Okay Ashton, you are Trixie, you were once a female pony that was in one of the early episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. You are understandably frazzled, and are now tied up. What do you do? The answer is obvious. I frown sharply and yell out,” Let me go! I have my rights!”

Wow... that certainly shut them up didn’t it? Their expressions are aghast as they all rush me, clamping their hands on my face. Wow, these guys aren’t that bright are they? I bite down on one of their palms. The girl, Sybil wasn’t it, yelps out, ”Ow!”.

John clamps my mouth shut with both his hands. He exclaims, ”Darn it Trixie! Just be calm okay!”

“Yeah!” The red headed little girl yells.

“Listen to Mister John!” A purple haired kid shouts, her hands slapping against my face.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Quiet Keepers!” The bi-colored girls’ words fill me with anxious dread... I should do what they say now.

I stop and roll my eyes, admitting defeat.

“Are you gonna be calm?” John asks me. I give another eye roll, settling into the whole Trixie bit.

~This whole acting bit suits you. You should have been a transexual.~

“Okay, everyone, just let go of her slowly.” He says, the people finally get off me.

Okay, pout lips, speak in third person. “The Powerful and Great Trixie...” I messed that up didn’t I? Grinding my teeth in anger I continue, ”Demands to know where he, er...” Crap crap crap Trixie’s not a dude, get it straight! “She is?”

“Okay,” he sighs and draws in a breath. “you’re very far from Ponyville.”

Great, its going to be hard to find out where I really am. I better try one more time. “Yes yes.” Oh, wait, gotta be a snob. I lift my head and glare at them from the tip of my nose. “But where am I-” Damn it! Third person Ashton! Trixie talks in third person! “-I mean, where is the Strong and Almighty...” Crap, was that the way you are supposed to say it? “Trixie?”

“Well this is a place called Earth,” he explains to me, like I’m a child or something. He places a hand on his chest. Oh hey, is he going to try doing the whole tarzan thing with me? “I’m John. These are my friends Sybil and Jane.” he turns to look back at the other person behind him, who could have been Sybil, or Jane.

“Um, hi,” Jane/Sybil/SybilandJane awkwardly said.

“And these...” he waved his hand over the three girls. “are other ponies. You getting all that?”

I am so freaking thirsty.

~Ask for a coke, I’m sure that will work out juuuust fine for you.~

“What day is it?” Asking a perfectly reasonable question before my request. ”Also, do you got any Coke?”

He turns to look at the girls, probably to ask them a question for some reason, before jerking his head back and demanding, ”How do you know what Coke is?” I have no hands and I must facepalm.

Gotta fast talk my way out of this! Just smile and fake it till you make it. “O-of course Equestria has coke!” My cheeks hurt.

“What the hay is coke?” the one I will now refer to Purpy asked.

“Oh!” ‘Swirly’ shot up her hand. Where does she think she is? School? “I know! I know! I bet it’s something adult ponies have!” Oh God. This is all going downhill.

‘Reddy’ raised an eyebrow. “What are ya talking about? Neither Sis or Big Mac ever mentioned anything like that.” She scratched her disorganized red hair. “Hmm, then again Ah think Granny Smith mentioned something about caca.. Choco... Chocolate leaves! That’s it!” She gets right into my face. “Do ya want hot chocolate? ‘Cause if ya ask, Mr. John or Ms. Jane can probably make ya some?”

Swirly reached forward and yanked her friend back. “Sorry about that. But seriously Ms. Trixie, what’s Coke?”

I swivel my head around to think of something. Screw it, deny deny deny! “T-they don’t know what they’re t-talking about. They’re obviously lying! Lies! All Lies!”

John shakes his hands or something, I’m not not really paying attention during my panic. “Okay okay, no need to yell. Just...” great, it seems that he’s going to drop this. He turns to the person behind him. “What?”

“Can we just talk for a second?” Sybil, or was it Jane, (lets go with Jane), said.

“Um, okay. Shoot.”

“Not here.” she gestures at the closet. “Don’t want to upset anyone.” This can’t be good. Nah, they couldn’t possibly see through my ruse. I’m so clever.

~They are coming up with ideas on how to interrogate you no doubt. The gig is up! Punt the red headed one and jump! JUMP FOR YOUR LIFE!~

John looks at the girls and me. He sighs. “I’ll be right back” He gets up and follows Jane to the small closet. He gives one quick look at Sybil. “Sybil, Keep an eye on them for a sec.” He opens the door and steps inside with Jane.

My nose itches... It really itches! I can’t scratch it... Or can I? I slowly tilt over the bed while my captors watch confused. I slowly touch the floor with my nose.

The girl, Sybil sighs, saying, ”Did you really have to bite me?”

“Yeah!” Yells the red headed one (Or was it the purple headed one?) shouts. ”Didn’t your parents teach ya not to bite other ponies?”

I rub my nose on the carpet. Oh yeah, that’s good! “Yeah, sorry about that. I don’t do well with hands on my face. Your carpet smells nice.” Ooooh, hey sunglasses!

“Um.... okay, it’s not that amazing.” Sybil says.

“Well,” Swirly says,” These things are a little weird.”

I maneuver the shades onto my brow, nearly poking my eye. I bet I look ridiculous. I wag my feet a bit, trying to get back up onto the bed.

“What are you doing?” Asks Purpy.

“Scratching my nose.” I manage to say with my face pressed up against the floor.

“You okay?” Sybil asks stupidly.

“Oh no, I’m just fine!” I say sarcastically. I twist around and do a pose with the pair of shades on my face. I turn onto the bump on my head. Ouch.

“My shades! How’d you find those?” She asks.

“I’m good at finding things, what can I say?” I say plainly. “Mind helping me up?”

“Come on.” She grabs my shirt and hauls me upright, letting me go like a dead fish.

~Quick! Kick her in the crotch and bounce away!~

“Mind if I get comfortable?” I ask. I begin to shift around.

“I guess, again sorry about the ties; they’re just a preca-” she stops dead after I grunt and pop one of my joints as I looped my arms over my legs. I look at her amazed face as I stand myself up and get on the bed.

“This ain’t my first rodeo, Sybil.” I say as I move my sunglasses into place.

“That didn’t look right.” Swirly squeamishly says, looking at me. “Lets not try that.” I feel a small spasm of pain.

Yeah, thats probably a good idea. I sigh and start twiddling my thumbs. “So, care to tell me about yourself Sybil?” Making small talk, how the mighty have fallen.

John opens the door to the closet and looks at me confused. Took him long enough, doesn’t he know that you shouldn’t keep a lady waiting? ...Wait. Getting too much into this bit. Must. Resist. Going. Full. Retard. “Um...” He looks over at Sybil, who was resting on a cabinet. “Sybil, why are Trixie’s hands in front of her now?”

“You know how hard it is to actually pull that off? It was actually kinda cool to watch. Besides, she’s still zip tied.” Yeah right, like this plastic couldn’t be chewed through in seconds. But let them bask in their false sense of security.

“And the shades?” Jane asks.

“I was actually looking for them. Only took a gender-swapped humanized unicorn to find them.”

John facepalms.

“What?” I say with a shrug.” I can find things.”

“Okay.” John says, running his hand through his hair. He leans over the bed, just out of my reach. “Trixie, we just need to ask you a few questions, okay?”

Oh, so they are going to interrogate me huh? Well I played L.A Noir! I know how this goes!

~No, you watched someone play L.A Noir, and badly at that.

Alright, first order of business. Throw him off his high horse, demean him. Show this guy whos boss!

“Okay four-eyes, out with it,” I say bluntly.

“Oi, a bit hostile. I mean it’s not like we...” He looks down at my zip ties. That’s right, feel the guilt! Feel it hard! “Um...”

Lets add on to this. “You hit me with a shower stand, you psycho.”

The guilt is quite apparent on his face. “Well look, I was just a little out of it. I...” The little girls were giving him a funny look now. “I was tired!” He focuses on me. “Look, I’m sorry and I’ll make sure to get you back home, okay?”

Hah! Home... what home? I look at the kids... Why would they even be here? “What sort of weirdo hangs out with little kids anyway?”

He sighs yet again. “They’re not kids, they’re ponies. Just like you were.”

This bit is getting old. “Pssh, whatever.” I say.

Jane raised an eyebrow. “You meet the only three of your kind and that’s your response?” She gets just as close as John is and narrows her eyes. “So, Trixie. How did you get famous?”

I don’t know the answer to this question. I haven’t seen that episode in months! This isn’t good, this isn’t good-panic panic panic!

Wait wait, it’s coming back to me! I clap my hands together. “Uhh... there was a bear and it was like really big! Yeah! There was a giant bear!

She leans in further. John backs away, a scared look on his face. She says, ”You’re lying.”

Looks like the jig is up! Hahaha.

“I’m really Steven Magnet! Couldn’t you tell by my fabulous mouuuusstache?”

“You don’t have one.” Sybil says.

Damn their cunning. I wince at the memory of my modest mustache, which perished in the fire.

“Okay then, I am Zecora!”

“You’re not rhyming,” says Reddy. “Zecora always rhymes, and yah haven’t even said one rhyme yet.”

“Okay then...” Gah, my mind is blanking out! “Uh... Er... I’m Derpy!”

“How come your eyes are normal, then?” Sybil asks.

Damn damn damn damn! Okay, lets try some of the better known characters. “Uh yeah... That’s because I’m Scootaloo! Yay Rainbow Dash!”

“Hey!” Purpy jumps onto the bed. “I’m Scootaloo! You got that?”

Gah! Why didn’t I realize it sooner. Its so obvious! The purple hair! The spunky go-getter attitude! and the other two are of course, …

…

~And you call yourself a brony. For shame!~

Why don’t I know these other two. This reminds me of the first time I met Discord. Better pretend I’m another character. “I... I mean Ah’m Apple Bloom. Yep, Ah want my cutie mark now!”

“Hey!” Redhead launched herself next to Scootaloo. “That sounds nothing like me!”

Two for two! Wow, I am on a roll! I look at the last one... this time I’m going to just guess the last ones name. “W-well of course! Because I’m Sweetie Belle! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah,” I sing, a perfect duplicate of Sweetie Belle’s lovely voice.

“Hey!” Sweetie joined her friends. “I don’t sing that badly!” She jabs at me with her finger. Everyone's a critic. “Who are you really?”

Well this has gone on long enough, might as well end it with a funny character. I hope they won’t be mad. “I’m...” Okay what character? Lyra? Nah. Oh, this one is perfect! “Tom! You know, the boulder!”

John sweeps his hand through his hair. “Christ! He’s not even from Equestria, he’s just a fan! Damn it!” He stands up and looks over to the CMC as he frowns sharply in thought. “He warned me about this!”

“Who?” Jane asked, taking the words right out of my mouth.

“The guy online! He said crazy bronies would come for them if I was stupid!” He slams his fist on the bed. “Darn, we need to get this guy far away from here.” Jeez, talk about drastic.

I better fix this. Gotta turn up the charm. “Wait wait wait!” I cry out. Alright, just getting some breaths before I continue, relax Ashton, you can do this Ashton, just gotta show them that we’re all in the same boat.

~You are going to screw this up so bad.~

“Look, I’m not here for the CMC. I’ve dealt with enough Equestrians as it is.”

“What?” They all ask flatly.

“Look, isn’t it obvious that I have dealt with some serious pony sh-” Kids! “Er, poop?”

John’s eyes narrow. “Who are you and who did you find?”

Alright, guilt them up. “Why would I tell you anything when all you’ve done is tie me up, beat me, and belittle me?”

“I’m sorry strange-man-who-snuck-into-my-room, but I made a promise to keep these girls safe, and having a chaotic person like you around ain’t good news.” He turns to Sybil. “Get something ready to blindfold him. We can’t let him know where this is.” Yep, this is spiraling out of control. Hmmm... Speaking of unknowable locations... I wonder where Discord is? Probably on the other side of the world. I hope he’s getting fondled by dropbears somewhere in the outback.

~You know he isn’t far. Quit denying it. ~

One of the few times I acknowledge my crazy self. He probably is somewhere around here as we speak, er... think! My hands and feet are bound! I want out! I want out! “Er. Look, just give me three things and I’ll explain everything. I’m a little stressed from how things are playing out here man.” Just need a shower, a fresh set of clothes, and a coke. Thats all I want. Gotta show Discord that I’m not in a jam.

“I ain’t giving you crap!” He yells.

Great. Just great.

Gotta appeal to his need to protect the CMC. “I’m not sure you have a choice if you’re worried about these girls being found out.”

He stops dead. “What do you mean?” He asks with clenching teeth. There we go, got to him finally.

I smile. “Well, you need to answer my demands to find out,”

He yanks me by my shirt. Oh balls. Violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!

~Here I thought I couldn’t hate you anymore, and then you bring out the Monty Python quotes. You sicken me.~

“Alright, look, I got three scared kids here and I’m not in the mood for games. You either know something or you don’t. Now talk!”

I give up, there’s no avoiding this. I bet you he is going to pop up as soon as I start explaining my situation. That would be just like him, wouldn’t it? I sigh. “Fine, whatever, I’ll tell you who I fou-”

There is a banging at the door. A familiar rapping, as ominous as the one from Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven.

John turns away from me to look at the door. It was the door that John and Jane went into to have a secret chat. It was the closet. The knocking is coming from the closet.

“The hell?”

“Pizza!” Comes a voice I know all too well.

Jane says, “John, the closet was empty when we were in there.”

“I know”

The knocking continues

“John.” Sybil says, sounding scared. I would probably be scared if I wasn’t already used to this. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know.” Oh that’s a shocker.

This is going nowhere fast. “You should probably check on that.” I say sounding more weary than I intended.

“Jane, get in front of the girls” John says as he takes a step forward.

“John, wait! What if it’s dangerous?”

“Why do you think I asked you to get in front of the girls?” He says, his hand on the door handle. Wow, what a stupid hero.

“Be careful Mr. John,” Sweetie says moving further away from the door and further toward the centre of the bed. Hnngggh! That’s seriously cute. The rest of the CMC crawl backwards, further to the back of the bed.

“I will be.” He says.

Some cheezy jazz kinda music flooded the room.

My sigh goes unnoticed. John shouts out, ”Jesus!” He jumps back, almost falling on the Crusaders. “The fu..”

I get a good look at the newcomer. Well, he has worn sillier costumes I suppose. Pizza delivery uniform with a hot dog hat. The smell from the pizza he was holding was making me salivate... I realize I haven’t eaten in two days.

~You ought to eat it, there is no way that’s going to turn out bad for you.~

“Oh come now,” the man interrupts John in mid-curse. He zones out a bit and looks at his apparel. “Why am I... oh nevermind.” He looks at John.

“Did someone order... a pizza?” John looks visibly affected. Is this how I looked when I first met this man?

John, to his credit, manages to stammer out, ”W-who are you?”

He refrains from answering John’s question. He nonchalantly tapps his right ear with his left ring finger. “Hmmm, I need to get this fishy taste out of my mouth... you got any bologna?”

“Who a-are you? John says again. He looks back at the CMC, who are probably terrified.

The man rolls his eyes. “Why, Discord of course!” He smiles, revealing yellow teeth.

I had seen this coming from a mile away, and I tried to stop it... I really tried. “Ah, crap.” I say to myself.

Hospitality (DANGER ZONE)

Hospitality

17th? Whatever, I don’t care anymore.

I don’t like people. I really don’t like people. In fact, I have nothing but seething contempt for everyone I know. Most of the time I keep this inside of me, buried under a lifetime of shyness, awkward social skills, and a jovial, mirth-like outward social mask. Most of the time this works with the heathens I call my teachers, my colleagues, and my family. It even has me fooled some of the time.

Other times, however, this guise isn’t enough. Some people are immune to the charms of my coy, cheesy personality. This only makes me try harder, of course. Either out of them finding out about the real me, or me finding out who I really am, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t connect with someone.

Okay, so he popped out of the closet. I popped out of the mirror, so I win. Alright, I will give him bonus points for the costume, the music, and the obvious innuendo, but thats it! Then again, he does looks confused, so this probably wasn’t on purpose.

Everyone looks pretty skived. God, it’s like someone just died in here. John is just gaping about like a gutted trout. Was I like this when I met discord? I hope not.

~You totally were. Just like a pansy.~

Oh crap, what if he gets naked thinking that this is all a dream? I frantically whisper at John. “He’s real.”

Discord looks at me and gives his snarky comment. “Oh, hi Ashton! A bit tied up are we?” Oh hey, one of the girls are sneaking up behind him. Jane?

~No, Sybil. My god, Ashton, make an effort to remember names next time!~

What is she doing with that lamp?

~Mood lighting, of course. Dipstick.~

She swings it down. Hard. Squeak! And there’s the crazy. So he turned the lamp to a squeak toy, big woop. He’s probably running low on crazy juice. I mean, what happened the last time this kind of thing happened? Nothing! That’s what. Oh sure, there were a few impossible anomalies caused by his power surges, such as melting a door like hot butter, or turning a punk into a harmless kitten, but that is the extent of his power so far. And it took him a week to get enough juice to cause just that!

~What about those fluffy pon-~

YEP HE CERTAINLY CAN’T DO MUCH ELSE! NOT A DAMN THING.

~Awww, you’re so adorable when you’re in complete denial.~

Discord stares Sybil into cowardly submission. Oh hey, she hunts deer. Thats neat. I hear John scrabbling up the wall, his entire attention focused on Discord. Guess he’s still tripping out. His knees knock together like a swooning school girl. He starts stammering.

“L-look, w-we don’t want any trouble.” Oh. My. God.

~There is no helping this idiot.~

I... I don’t even know what to say about that. This guy is so screwed, regardless of what actually happens. I just shake my head at his stupidity. He gives a quick look back at me, and my disappointed face.

Discord continues to maneuver around about the room as Jane starts stammering as well.

“Get... girls... out.”

John replies, still scared out of his wits of the man who is currently sniffing the bed sheets. Damn, what kind of pizza is that? Be calm, my churning stomach. The prize shall be yours soon. Oh wait, John just said something. Probably wasn’t important.

The CMC dash up to Discord, who was now staring at the shelves pensively. “Why are there so many things on this shelf?” He says, ignoring the adorable girls and everything else in the room. He yanks one of the drawers open and pulls out a shirt. “Darn, I’ll just keep it warm in these reverse fridge things.” Dear raptor Celestia! Don’t! He just... he wrapped that marvelous pizza in a shirt! Why? Why?!

“Bu-but... pizza!” I cry out, my heart (or is it my stomach?) temporarily being torn to pieces.

Scoots tugs on Discord’s red vest. Discord looks down and addresses the cute girl with a bored, “Hmm?”

Oh, this is going to be good. Well, at least the worst he could do would be screwing with their heads.

“So, Disharmony, do you know why you’re here?”

“How come you’re not a statue here?”

“Why do we all have weird hoof things?”

Oh great, questions. Discord is probably going to break their fragile little minds

“Yes, because, and whatever.” His answers spill out smoothly like fine china.

~That is a retarded analogy~

It sounded a bit like... a knee jerk reaction.

I take a quick look around the room. Everyone but Discord, the CMC and I were scared stiff, besides the jittering that usually accompanies extreme terror. These guys are still hopeless then, but those adorable girls have given me an idea.

~Bore him to death with inane questions?~

Something like that. Gotta get out of these zip ties. This is going to be hell on my teeth, but I don’t really have a choice now, do I? “Hey, Discord, suppose my next sentence is false. Yet, this sentence is true.”

Discord blinks. He raises his foot, scratching his stomach nonchalantly. “Well, I do suppose bananas are a good source of potassium.”

Well that didn’t work. Not that I expected it would. It would take much more then a simple paradox like that to distract Discord, much less blow his mind. However, when did he find out that Earth had bananas? Probably over analyzing this but-

~You are.~

Yeah, he is probably just trying to be random. Next test! God do I feel sciencey. “Okay then. So 3.41 x 1,3019234 / 12,347 x 8 + 13 - 1,804,351 x 235 - 135,425 x 2,105 + 1 - 1,243,818,723,847 equ-”

“68,935,013,828,483,769,314,151,163,591,716.” Discord answers. Well... I don’t know if that’s right, nor do I really care. My plan isn’t really working so far, but screw it. What do I have to lose anyway? Wait, he’s still saying something. “Really Ashton, go a little non-euclidean sometimes. It’s fun!”

Yeah... so logical questions are out. Maybe I should focus on escaping. The zip ties around my leg are going to be tougher to get out of. Just need to reeeeeaaach. My back gives a satisfying pop. Oh yeah, that’s goood. Alright so how does this go again? Right or left, but never in-between?

~I’m your subconscious and even I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking about.~

Yeah, I’m probably not going to slip out without dislocating something. I tug at the zip tie. It tightens further. Actually, I don’t think I could do this even if I di-

~DEAR LORD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP RAMBLING! You are fucking impossible!~ My other voice screams.

Wait... impossible? Eureka! I feel a smile coming on. This might just work. ”How is a raven like a writer’s desk?”

~And the point of that was?~ Other me asked with condescending curiosity.

Well it’s a question without an answer. Its not a logical paradox, and if I am right he wi- Wait... I’m thinking to myself again... nice try, self, but I’m not that crazy!

~Yet you still talk... and talk... and talk.~

Discord hasn’t said anything yet. He is just staring into space. Do I look like that when I talk-think-whatever to you?

~Probably.~

He opens his mouth to say something. Then he closes it. Then he opens it. Discord could probably make a kick ass singing fish toy. Wait... he’s stumped on the question? He starts saying something, but he stops just before finishing a single syllable. Not stumped then, more like its on the tip of his tongue. Whatever, the question still doesn’t have a real answer.

Unless of course, you’re Discord. More likely than not you would still find an answer. An answer not meant for human ears. I plunge my thumbs into my ears, relishing the sound of blissful silence. I can still see his mouth moving. Thank God I can’t lip read. Wait, does that even matter? Better safe than sorry. Just gotta close my eyes and go to my happy place.

Look at all the soft pretty bunnies, bouncing up and down. Look at all the colorful flowers in the meadow. So peaceful. So serene. Oh and what’s this? It’s really fluffy. Dear lord, is it fluffy! “Enf Enf Enf!” Kill it with fire!

I jerk my eyes open. Fuck the happy place. Discord is still standing there, slack-jawed, trying to determine the answer. Everyone in the room had fled, leaving me behind with this ticking time bomb.

If he hasn’t found out the answer by now, he never will. “Hey Discord.” I yell, hopefully loud enough to get his attention. “Mind helping me out?” I wiggle my bound legs.

He looks at me, snapping out of his trance. “Hmm?” He looks down at the zip tie keeping my feet together. “Oh! Well, lucky for you, a Colt Scout is always prepared!” He pulls out a swiss army knife composed mainly of what looks to be pure rust. I think I’m getting tetanus just looking at it. He gazes upon it with a smile of pure nostalgia. “Ah, it brings back so many memories.”

Say something! Anything! Just don’t let him- He plunges the knife between my feet, not even bothering to go through the motions of completely unfolding it, or looking where he was stabbing for that matter. “Crispy bananas!” I holler. Wait... crispy bananas? What am I, an Irish hipster?

I jump off the bed and put as much distance between myself and Discord, with his instrument of pure madness. The horror! The horror!

~It’s just an old swiss army knife, damn it.~

Too scared to look, but I must. Oh sweet pasta, the blood! Wait, no, that’s just bits of rust. For such a shitty knife, it sure gave a clean cut.

“Now, what do we say?” Discord says expectantly.

I look at him, then at the knife, then back at him. “No sharp implements!” I smack the sharp malevolent rust ball out of his hand. I couldn’t repress the shudder I got from making skin contact with that... thing.

“That wasn’t nice.” Discord muttered with a pout as the knife winked out of existence. Hopefully, wherever it is, it’s suffering.

“Well, now that we’re alone, mind telling me where the hell we are?” I ask, slightly irritated.

“Here of course!” He gestures around.

I groan. “Okay, do you know why we’re here?”

“Because.”

I can accept that. I shrug and walk over to the drawers where, last I checked, Discord had stuffed a pizza in. Surprisingly, it wasn’t replaced by the usual weird shit. It was just the pizza on top of a- Oh my god, is that a Pinkie Pie shirt?! Hells yeah! I tear off my measly Trixie shirt with gusto and quickly poke my head through the magnificent specimen of cottonerying. Kind of tight, but I can dig it.

Wait... did I ever tell Discord about the show? Ohhhhh shit! Change the subject! CHANGE IT! “Uh... what kind of pizza did you get?” I ask, using the first bit of small talk that came to mind. This pizza smells kind of good, actually. Like teriyaki and lobster. I’m sure a small bite wouldn’t hurt...

Mmmm, not bad. Not bad at all. Kinda slides down the throat.

“Shoggoth!” He says proudly. And now I am going to pretend I never heard that. This pizza is awesome! I wonder if they have any Coke around here.

“Wasn’t this pizza supposed to come with a drink?” I ask, clutching the pizza box to my chest to cover the picture of Pinkie Pie on my chest.

He snaps his fingers, a look of realization on his face. Crap, he found the answer! I plug my ears with my thumbs again.

“I thought I was forgetting something!” He says tonelessly. He walks back to the closet and turns to look at me. “Well, Ashton? Are you not coming?”

I know it’s stupid for me to say this but, “Where? Into the closet?” It’s going to be bigger on the inside. It’s going to be bigger on the inside. It’s going to be bigger on the inside. Alright, now that I’ve gotten it out of my system. “Fine.” I walk up to the door and take a deep breath. I open the door.

~The suspense is killing you, hurry up.~

Son of a bitch. It’s smaller on the inside. It’s just a small box, suspended in nothing. In something less than nothing. In this box surrounded by the less-than-nothing, was a can of Coke. A gloriously cold can of caffeine-y goodness. Must... resist...! Nooooo! My hand betrays me, and I grab the ominous floating beverage.

As soon as I grabbed the can, I was blinded by a bright light. This is kinda cliche isn’t it? I bet it’s going to teleport me or some shi- The can of coke is slurping me up. The massive amount of irony must be acting as an anesthetic.

NOPE! Here comes the pain! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD THERE GOES MY ARM OUCH OUCH ouch PAIN. WHY am I not dead yet?! This is why we can’t have nice- Oh hey I’m whole again.

Why am I outside? HAVE I FALLEN INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE?! That would make so much sense. Well, at least more sense than usual. Lets check if I’ve been dead the whole time. I put my fingers on my neck to feel my pulse. I don’t feel a damn thing. Seriously? This is some bullshit! My fingers must be numb. Wait... Where are my fingers? Where is my hand? The only familiar thing I see is... the DEVIL COKE CAN! Throw it, throw it, throw it!

~Jesus, shut the hell up and calm down.~

Crazy voice is right, need to calm down and relax. Oh hey, it’s John. And everyone else who abandoned me. I look John over, might as well while I’m a ghost.. That’s a pretty sore-looking bruise isn’t it? I wonder. I poke it with a non-existent hand. He grimaces in pain. Neat! Ghosts can cause pain! Euuaaggghh, hey! Quit moving through me!

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that!” Great Scott! She has the sight! Retreat! She falls backward onto the grass. “You were just kinda crushing me.” Oh, she was talking to John.

“It’s fine.” He says stoically. “I’m just glad we made it out.” And left me behind to become a ghost. I am SO haunting you. I take a drink of my Coke.

~Isn’t that the same Coke that sucked you up?~

I feel a weight in my gut, and suddenly my vision is blocked. Oh god, I’m blind! I try to wipe away whatever is blocking my face with my hand. Oh wait, it’s my hand! I’ve been face-palming the whole time, haven’t I? I look down at John, who was resting on a tree. He was still out of breath. What a flighty broad. “Wow, you’re kind of a pansy aren’t you?” I say.

It takes a second for him to register me. Just enough time to sneak in a slurp of Coke and a bite of pizza. The Coke was surprisingly tasty, and I am glad the pizza crossed over with me... wherever it was I went anyway. He screams, “You!”

“Me!” I holler back. Yes, me, the one who you abandoned with Discord, who would probably not have done anything to me. Although he admittedly did trick me into being drunk by a can of Coke. Though I kinda walked into it, to be honest.

He moves between me and everyone else. Oh! So they think I’m the bad guy? Jerks! “You with him?!” Says the mono syllable caveman.

I shrug. It was actually a good question. Am I with Discord? The man who has so far been responsible for most of my worldly possessions burning to ash, my father thinking I am gay, my computer being impaled, and me getting hit in the head by a shower stand. Then again, this whole ‘adventure’ has indeed been interesting. “Mostly along for the ride.” I look at how disheveled he is. “Guess you could say we are in the same boat.”

He squints at me. Huh, guess he isn’t that empathetic to my plight. His loss. No, no, I’ll give him another chance to make amends. “Well, I know a lot, obviously.” Smile, smile, be friendly, eye contact, jovial attitude. “But I suppose you are talking about all these humanized ponies and such, right?”

“Yes!” they all shout at me, except for Sybil, who is still sitting and shaking. They’re really loud!

I wave my arms around. That’s the polite universal sign for shut the hell up isn’t it? “Okay! Okay!” I’m getting such a freaking headache. “Sheesh, fine, so you probably guessed by now that Discord is basically responsible for all this.” Just gotta be frank with them, I guess.

“I had my suspicions, but I didn’t know.” He says.

The girls look up at me. Sweetie pleads, ”Do ya know how to get us home?”

“Or why we’re here?” Apple bloom says with a look that makes me want to hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright.

These people actually care what happens. Why have I just realized this?! I am so dense! I don’t have it nearly as bad as these guys! It’s getting harder to smile.”Uh... well... er...” Think of something, damn it! “Nope.” Sweet mercy, I think I may have broken Scootaloo. Wait... I think she was always the derpy looking one right? In comparison, anyway. “Discord probably doesn’t have enough juice to get to Equestria.” I relish a gulp from my Coke. Wait, I should give them some hope shouldn’t I? “I think.” That’ll do.

“D-does that mean he’s got no powers here?” Jane asks anxiously.

Why do people keep asking these stupid questions? I mean, come on! “Oh, gee, let me think,” I scratch my head, really piling on the sarcasm. I snap my fingers. “I popped out of John’s mirror here, and he popped out of the closet.” I stop the sarcasm and become frank with them. “What do you think? He’s slowly getting his powers back.”

They begin to despair, John slamming his fist and yelling at the heavens like some horrible B-rated revenge flick actor at the end of scene one.

“Want some pizza?” I offer. They could probably use a slice.

John leers at me angrily. “Look... whatever your name is,” At least I remembered your name, douche. “This is bad, really bad. What can he do?”

Hmmm... what can he not do is the real question. So far there isn’t a single consistency in his abilities that I can really track. “Oh, well it var-” A scream pierces the air. Hmmm, that happened later than I thought it would.

I know I’m going to be assailed by some weird freakish impossible anomaly as soon as I turn around, but there isn’t really a thing I could do about it is there?

~Nope.~

I sigh and turn around. Oh... hello there, towel lady. Teehee. Wait, the ground is all pink and stuff. No, wait! It’s gum! Best crazy thing to happen so far! I wonder where Discord is any wa-

“Hmmm, how is a raven like a writer’s desk?” Discord said to himself. Is he still hung up on that?

John scrambles and screams, “Run!” holding Applebloom in his arms. Sybil doesn’t get up. John gives up trying to snap her out of her fear funk and just drags her behind him.

I sigh and facepalm for the- what is it now? Umpteenth time? “What a bunch of wussies...” I mutter under my breath.

“Tsk tsk tsk. This happens all the time. It’s a good thing that I know exactly how to deal with spoilsports like these.” He pulls out a small black box with a red button. That can’t be good.

“Don’t press the bu-” I try to blurt out as I run toward Discord to smack the latest item of insanity from his grip. Too little, too late. Three chimes emanate from the box. Woah, what happened to my depth perception?! Everything is so... flat! “Wh-” My voice is cut short as everything becomes flatter and flatter until my world looked like a minimalist painting. A tall, light-yellow, crooked stick grabs my pink and black rectangle and jumps forward.

Suddenly everything explodes into detail once again. Damn, that was weird! I mean, I don’t think I will look at shitty pixelated art the same way ever again. Wait, where the hell am I this time? I am getting sick of this teleporting shit! Damn! Its like every other paragraph I’m jumping into a new scene! Wait, what? I mean, It’s like every other hour I’m in an entirely different place!

Okay... deep breaths... now, I think I should avoid Discord for a lit-

“Got any threes?” Where I am finally registers in my head.

~You’re in hell?~

No, it appears I am in a cafeteria playing go fish with the spirit of disharmony.

~So, hell, basically?~

I guess so. I look at my cards. Nothing but threes. I clench my jaw to focus, still a bit dazed from whatever the hell just happened. Screw this, you ain’t taking none of my threes, you sheep slut!

~Dude~

Oh yeah, that actually means something to mlp characters?

~Probably not, but do you want to chance it?~

Fine! Whatever, still cheating like a bauss. “Go fish.”

I hear frantic footsteps behind me. I crane my neck back to see what all the commotion is. Meh, its just John about to fall down a flight of stairs. Wait! John is about to fall down a flight of stairs! Hey! This means I might be able to help him chill the balls out and have an actual conversation with him! As long as I reach him before he falls, though.

I jump to my feet and kick away the chair as I make a mad dash for John. I barely manage to grab his arm. “Oi, you better be more careful, Johnny boy. You might break an arm or something,” I pull him and Scootaloo up.

“T-thanks.” they both quietly say. YES! Lavish me with praise you fools! HAHAHAHA!

“Thank goodness!” Applebloom cries.

“You almost fell again!” Sweetie sobs.

The wonderfully d'aww moment is interrupted by one of the most horrific sounds my ears have ever had the misfortune to hear. I bet that was Discord. “No... It’s not that,” Discord mutters to himself. Score one for the A-dog!

…

Minus 15 for the “A-dog”...

Oh no! The guys look like they are about to bolt in terror again. “We need to move.” He said urgently.

Great! Gotta diffuse the situation. “You are totally blowing the whole ‘god of chaos’ thing out of proportion! Discord is as harmless as a fly!” Oh sure he causes chaos, but he doesn’t purposely do any da- What is that ungodly buzzing? I turn around to see a giant revolting fly. Not cool Discord! I hate bugs! Although the looks of terror dawning on the dumbasses who stayed behind to capture this moment on YouTube are just delightful! I turn back to them and cross my arms. “I still stand by my point!”

John bugs out. Oh god that was punful. He flies- Damn it. He panics, shouting, “We need to get out of here now! How do you distract him!?”

“Nah, he’s running on fumes as we speak. That fly was probably the last of it.” I am 100% sure.

Apple Bloom anxiously states, ”If those are fumes, Ah don’t wanna see more of them. Regular horse flies are bad enough.”

I hear the fly behind me drop dead. My smile becomes genuine. “See?” Wait... Do I hear rubber rubbing against rubber? I turn to see the fly turning into an abomination of classical cinema. A winged monkey. Okay. So I am around 90% sure that he’s running on fumes. I give a small, awkward cough.

Jane grabs John’s arm “J-John that’s...”

“The w-wicked witch’s pet. I know. Get Sweetie and let’s move!” What is with these guys and stuttering? He looks at Sybil, who looks kinda better since the last time I saw her. “You back with us?” She nods.

“Good! Cause we need to get out fast!” John starts to turn toward the stairs when Discord suddenly gets up.

“Got it!” Discord snaps his finger. Then he began to swell like a water balloon. He starts to look uncertain. “Oh dear.”

SOUND! OUCH! EARS!

That was really loud. Did he just... explode?! No, he’s still in one piece. Unlike John, probably. I didn’t really care to find out what happened to him. My patience with him has been spread thin enough. You can only offer an olive branch so many times. Okay, so if he didn’t explode... and that was sound.... he just did a Dragon Shout! Oh my God! Is he a Dovahkiin?

Now that... is just hilarious. I don’t even try to stop myself from laughing at such a silly idea. Discord starts to laugh with me, though probably not at what I am laughing about. I think. However, I am not laughing so hard that I couldn’t hear those 4 horrifying words. “Cutie Mark Crusaders, charge!” Screw this shit! I high-tail it a safe distance from Discord. Discord didn’t take the hint however. It was like watching a car wreck in slow motion, except much more awesome.

Sweetie ninja grabbed his face while Apple Bloom got in position, right at the danger zone. She gets on all fours and squints her eyes at Discord. Her two legs shot out from under her, and like a cat burglar, went straight for the family jewels. Oh man, Apple Bloom has become my favorite pony. Discord is just laying there like a sack of potatos, convulsing and writhing on the floor like a baby.

“You’re sure our sisters had to use super weapons on him?” Sweetie asked confused.

“Maybe hum-manes just have weaker under bellies.” She guessed.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. He got bucked in the nuts! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh crap, she’s looking at me.

“Yah better stay away!” She stomped her foot to the ground.

I facepalm. “Listen kiddo,” She is such a kid. “shouldn’t you be more worried about ‘Mr.’ John than me? I’m not the one who fell down all those stairs.”

“Ah...” Oh shit we got a bad ass over here. Thank goodness Sweetie was there to to prevent AppleBloom from starting anything. Someone could have got hurt!

~You, right?~

Noooo.... yeah.

“He’s right,” Sweetie said. She looks at Discord who is still squirming on the ground

Apple Bloom gives me the stink eye before turning and saying, “You’re right.”

This whole day could have gone much better if they had just decided to believe that I was Trixie. May as well say goodbye. “Tell him I hope he gets well soon, and sorry we couldn’t meet under better circumstances!”

I watch as Apple Bloom and Sweetie walk down the stairs until they were well out of sight. I look down at Discord. Poor, poor, pitiful Discord. What in the hell am I going to do with you? I sigh, grab his foot and start to drag him around. It’s going to be a looong trip.

*0*0*

Owwwwww~! Why did I ever miss pain when I was in that statue?! It’s horrible! It’s awful! Those brats will get theirs! Well, at least this wonderful floor is so smooth and cool... I do however have a complaint about my chauffeur. Ouch! New pain!

“Get up, Discord.” Mr. Wizard commands. I groan louder. “Now, you have been laying down long enough. It’s time to get a car.” What’s a car? Oh yes, those peculiar metal boxes on wheels. Doesn’t sound like much fun to me... But, I suppose I must humor the lad.

“Fine! I’m getting up.” Oh, thats a new feeling. Soreness, I believe. I hear Ashton gasp. I open one of my eyes. What a fat car-box-thing. What are those, letters? T-E-O-I-S T-A-C-O.
What in equestria is a ‘Taco?’

“Its unlocked!” Ashton shouts out victoriously. “And the keys are still in here! Haha! Things are finally looking up! I also think I am getting a hang of your little fluxes, so good luck surprising me again!”

WHAT? I slowly get up and stare at the arrogant child. “Oh... so you are getting a ‘hang’ of it then?” He nods foolishly. “Getting a grasp of chaos huh?”

“Uh... yes?”

I appear behind Ashton. “Listen here you little whelp, you don’t ‘get’ chaos. It appears to me that you need a lesson in just what chaos is.”

He gulps loudly and begins shaking his head. “How do you suppose you do that without your powers? I know that you’re out of your crazy juice, so quit bluffing.”

I laugh lightly. “I haven’t been this irritated in quite a while, Ashton. Arrogance doesn’t suit you, mongrel.” My laugh reaches a marvelous crescendo as Ashton disappears into a pile of ash and off to who knows where. Wait... how does one use a car? “Whoops.”

Coping Skills (Danger Zone!)

Chapter 1337
Coping skills

My mom was always proud of how I would always be unaffected by all the shit that would happen to us. When my dad got in that accident, or when we got kicked out of my childhood home, I always had a positive attitude and just said, “Everything is going to be alright.”

“My Rock.” She would call me. I never had the heart to tell her that it wasn’t that I was strong enough to persevere through our hardships, but that was only me being too absorbed in my books and games to actually look at how bleak our situation really was.

The world would just pass me by while I just sat there, doing nothing.

~~~

Stupid stupid stupid! You should never tell the god of chaos that you have a fair grasp of what he will do next. That’s like heckling a comedian, or telling the secrets behind a magician's trick! Shit, why did I even think I could grasp the concept of chaos? Just because I’m crazy doesn’t mean I’m clever. I remove my face from my hands and take a quick look around me.

There isn’t anything to look at, however. Not even the usual mind-bending spectrum of colors that had accompanied trips through this place; only black nothingness. What was this place, anyway? The afterlife? I’ve been popping up everywhere in ways no human being should. Teleporting does destroy the thing being teleported, after all. Quantum entanglement and the like. I’m going to put that in the ‘maybe’ drawer.

Out of the nothing comes a metal filing cabinet. The top drawer slowly slides open, and a manilla envelope labeled SCIENCE slides up from the unlabeled pieces of paper. That’s one perk about this place at least. It is completely based off of thought. Kinda like a lucid dream, cept... no wait, yeah it’s basically a lucid dream. Whatever I think here, will happen. Probably explains why my last trip here was trippy, Discord was my copilot after all.

Alright, how about a different dimension? Am I tessering right now? I better not have to fight a giant hate brain or something. Another folder pops up, labeled KICK-ASS BOOKS.

“Ah, screw it,” I say, exasperated. It’s not worth getting my mind in twists to decide where I am. It’s not here and it’s not there. Guess I’ll go with... Nowhere. I bet the answer lies in MLP fanon somewhere. This is basically Discord’s place, after all. Then again, this could probably be the place that Pinkie uses... No, it’s much too lonely here for her.

Maybe this is what it was like for Discord during his imprisonment. Just twiddling his thumbs while he thought to himself. I’m running out of petty questions to think about. I want to get out; no, I need to get out! Okay, it’s not hard. You just need to make your own way out. I will away the filing cabinet with little effort. It evaporates into a haze of smoke and rejoins the nothingness around me.

I think of a door. This door has a bright red exit sign and a bar for a handle, like most fire exits. It comes into existence right where the cabinet was. It was much better than my first door in this place, but only because I’m a tad calmer than when it felt like I was hurtling through this place like a cannon ball. It’ll probably take me out of this place, but what would happen after that? I have nowhere else to go. My home is burned down and Discord pretty much abandoned me. I rush through the door before I have a chance to keep thinking about my crummy situation.

I am nearly blinded by the bright lights as I stumble onto the cobbled streets. Yep, it worked out. Now, where am I this time? Well. An alleyway, obviously, but where is this alleyway located? I cautiously walk out of the gap between two gray buildings. The road is full of people scurrying this way and that. It’s all reassuring until I notice that something is a bit off about everyone. What could it be though? Oh! It’s their faces, or lack of them, rather. In place of the usual vacant look the working class had were gray blurs.

I moan and rub my eyes with my hands. This metaphysical mumbo jumbo bullshit is so tiring. I think really hard about nothingness. Going back to square one then. When I open my eyes I’m still in the same place. Shit. I hope this isn’t the twi-

“Ashton Thomas, a solitary young lad of 18, finds himself in a strange place, surrounded by strange people, during a strange time in his life, and it is about to get much... stranger. But that is what happens when,” Damn it, I am in the twilight zone! “you are a total twat.”

Oh, I thought that voice was familiar. I turn to see a man with long gangly arms wearing a tiki-mask and a black suit, looking like a Hawaii-themed Slenderman. He was sitting by himself in a wooden chair on a colorless patio. He gestures toward the other chair beside him. I have nothing better to do, so I walk up the steps to the patio and take a seat.

“Hello, Ashton.”

Alright, so apparently I am kinda stuck here for a while. I’m at least 90% sure that I am still in the Nowhere, so if I just keep- The chair is suddenly pulled out from under me. I bang my head against the featureless wood flooring. The manifestation of my crazy self stands over me, holding the chair in his hands like a club. Regardless of his lack of facial expression, he gets his point across. Anger.

“You won’t be ignoring me this time, Ashton,” he says. He swings the chair down.

I see stars. Even they are colorless in this part of the Nowhere. Where I would have felt pain, however, was only tingly numbness. Small mercies, I suppose. “Alright, you have my attention.”

“I hate you, Ashton,” he says in a matter-of-fact tone.

“I know. You always have.” He slaps me. More pins and needles.

“You will never truly know the depth of my hate for you, Ashton.” His voice toneless, much like this place

Great, gotta face my issues to get out of here, then? If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s introspection. Gotta do what you gotta do I guess. “You are only an extension of myself, the symptom of my psychosis.” I clench my teeth in an attempt to add conviction to my words. “You are not real.”

He slams his gloved fist into my gut. It knocks the wind out of me. I hardly notice, breathing doesn’t really work here in the Nowhere. “I was a part of you,” he hisses with equal parts disgust and hatred. “But after that dream with Discord, I have slowly become more... aware. I wasn't a two dimensional figment of your imagination, created by your self neglect and loathing. I became my own ‘voice’, if you will.” He gives a harsh laugh at his inside joke.

“Wait... what dream?” My head buzzes, and I start feeling the first bit of pain I have ever felt in this place right in the back of my skull.

“Ah... yes, you don’t remember that. You never will, either. Well, a while ago, Discord found his way into that miserable cesspool you call a mind. Unfortunately, before he could replace your mind with one of a pony, you...” He grabs me by the throat and holds me up in the air. He starts punctuating each of his words with a punch to my face.

“Somehow!”
Punch.
“Managed!”
Punch.
“To!”
Punch.
“Trap!”
Punch.
“Him!”
Punch. Punch. Punch!

I am too engrossed in this impossible tale to notice him waylaying me. I ask as he continues to punch me.

”How?”
Punch.
“Did?”
Punch.
“He?”
Punch.
“Get?”
Punch.
“Out?”

He stops punching me like a redheaded stepchild and calmly says, “He accepted the deal you gave him, of course.”

“What deal?”

He just stares at me, the red embers located where his eyes would be glaring through my very soul. “No.” He lifts me over his shoulders and flings me off the patio. I roll and tumble in the air until I decide to stop and land on my feet. He hops off the patio and walks to me. “No.” He says again. “I will not let you waste our part of the bargain!”

What was this deal I had with Discord? Why can’t I remember any of this dream? Did it even happen? There’s one thing that I can think to really ask, however, “What do you mean ‘our’ part of the bargain? I’m the one in control here.”

He screams, he screams such a hateful scream. His shaking hands are raised to the heavens of this bleak, godless world. If this were not the Nowhere place, my eardrums would have been irreparably damaged. He slowly quiets down and lowers his arms after what seems like hours of yelling. “Get out.” he says quietly.

“What I say?” I ask. An iron door materializes behind me. It quickly opens inward, bathing us in dazzling bright colors. He grabs me again and shouts in my ear.

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” He tosses me through the portal head first.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! I wildly flail my arms as my brain is assaulted by scents, bright lights, and heat suddenly rushing to greet me as I fly out the Nowhere. My hands and feet find hot rocky ground, but my momentum forces me to frantically swing my arms and legs forward to prevent myself from falling face first onto the boiling hot stony floor.

My hands are starting to hurt from the heat of the ground. I can’t keep up anymore! Something is wrong with my legs. Why can’t I stand up!? I fall over my hands, tripping nose first on to the hot ground. Gah!

“Shit!” I hear someone yell the words right out of my mouth

I finally open my eyes to see a 2007 Holden Barina sedan barreling at me. Hmmm... why do I know what kind of car that is? Its tires squeal as it does a half-assed job of trying to avoid me. I stare at the driver, a bearded man with a strained expression on his face. There are two girls in the back seat, screaming loud enough that I could hear them quite clearly through the windows. Figures I’d be run over by a family man. I sigh and accept my fate.

Thunk.

Ow! Son of a bitch my... my... ouch? Wait! I’m still alive! Hahahahaha! Euphoric doesn’t even describe how I’m feeling right now! Screw you crazy voice! Screw you Discord! Screw you fluffy ponies! You can’t keep a good Ashton down! Note to self, stop referring to self in third person.

The car pulls over behind me. Oh, so I landed on a road then? Not the best spot to get flung onto, I suppose. At least I wasn’t hit by a psycho or something like that.

It’s so freaking hot! Am I wearing coat or something? Trying to yank the offensive garment I come to realize something crucial about my current person. Where are my thumbs? Where are my-

“I’ll go check on it,” A somewhat gruff and hardboiled voice said. “Just stay here.”

Two of the cars doors open and two people step out and rush towards me, from what I can hear. Yuck! I can smell them from all the way over here! The man smells like he slathered himself in bacon and eggs, after which he tried to hide the stench by emptying an entire can of strawberry scented Febreze on himself. The girl doesn’t smell that bad, though. Still smelt like a leaking tanker of cleaning solution in a strawberry field, but I could make out the smell of a garden too, and fudge?

“Just keep your distance,” The man says to the girl warily. “Remember, animals aren’t as friendly here as they are in Equestria.” Oh! Now the lack of thumbs and fur coat make sense. I’m an animal. Wait... I’m an animal?!

I swear to god, if I’m anywhere near anthropomorphic, I’m going to strangle Discord! Chaos god or no, no one ever makes me a furry. No one!

The man gets nearer. Time to go to my stand-by, pretending I’m knocked out.

~Oh, because that helped you so much last time.~ Crazy voice speaks up in disdain.

I was wondering when you were going to say something. Might I remind you that I was the one that came out of that situation the least scathed?

~You are a pathetic little man.~ Crazy voice trails off, hopefully leaving me alone for a while.

The man kneels over me. Oh god the stench. My poor nose! Well it’s not my real nose, but still. Wait... what if it is my real nose? What if I’ve been an animal the whole time? Have I only been dreaming that I was a human? Like that one poem? With the butterfly and shit?

That’s stupid. The man prods me with brawny hands. Ew, I can feel his arm hair brushing up against me! Oh my god, I’m not a furry! He is!

“I don’t understand, it looks fine to me. I can’t see any real injuries.” He says, stopping the hirsute pokerinaing of my poor new ribs. He stands up. “Maybe it just got knocked out. We’ll need to move it away from here before any more cars show up, though.” Oh dear lord, he isn’t going to pick me up, is he?

He kneels back down. Oh no he is going to pick me up with those hairy arms. He leans over me and gently slides his hands under me. He slowly lifts me into the air and holds me against himself. This is actually the first time I have felt so secure in a while.

~So gay.~

You shut up. He starts walking off the road. Hmmm, what’s the worst possible thing that I could do to this man for nearly running me over?

~Wait. That’s oddly vindictive of you, isn’t it?~ Crazy voice asks, completely out of character from his usual assholey self.

Meh, I feel unusually dickish after our little confrontation, got it? So, what to do? Biting his face would be a little too much, wouldn’t it? Then again, slobbering would be nasty on my end. Let’s go with a subtle freaking out. I open my eyes. Hot damn that is one rugged face. Is he a pirate? Wait, no ear-ring. Lumberjack? Nah, his arms aren’t that big. Actually, they remind me of my dads arms, so... a painter?

His jaw clenched as he tosses me off the side of the road into grass. Alright, that was good enough for a start. Now lets put on my thinking cap on how to really screw with this guy. Wait a tick... can I talk? The man and a girl with what looks to be the softest shade of pink hair flowing down her back stares at me. I stare back, mostly at the pretty girl.

“I thought you said that animals weren’t sentient here on Earth.” The strange pretty girl says. Foreigner? Doesn’t look Asian, and not a hint of a Chinese accent either. Crazy? Meh. I’d still like to hang out ar- wait, she knows that I am sentient?

The dude raises his left eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Pretty girl walks up to me and kneels down to scratch behind my ears. So that’s what it feels like. Wait, so if I’m being scratched, does that mean I look like a dog? Well, I do have paws and I think I’m a bit bigger than a cat. “It’s okay.” She says soothingly. “Doug didn’t mean to hit you.” I got hit by a guy named Doug? Doug?! That's it, I call shenanigans.

~Chill the fuck out.~

No! I am sick of this shit. First I get smacked upside the head by a dude named John, then I nearly get ran over by Doug. What’s next? Shanked by Max? Molested by Mary?! “Why don’t you tell me your name?”

Does she actually know that I was human before? It may just be that she’s crazy. Can I even talk? Probably not. Just need to play it cool. I give a casual- Not a whistle! Nowhere near a whistle! They’re staring at me again. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Dog things can’t whistle. I probably can’t even talk. This is just awful!

“What was that it just did now?” He asks. His voice that implied that he didn’t have enough time for this silliness. Not when there were steaks to eat and hippies to punch.

“Aw, the poor thing is scared,” she replies. Am I scared? The guy is kinda big, but I have teeth and claws. “It’s okay, we’ll make you all better.” The other chick and a pale kid leaves the car. Wait... is Doug an archaeologist? It only makes sense, what with all the ladies and token little kid.

“Well, I guess you haven’t lost your touch at all,” Dr. Doug says. “It really does look like it knows what you’re saying.”

Well, his guard is down. Now is the best time to try to speak. Worst case scenario, it comes out as a horrifying abomination in the face of language. Best-case, I’ll sound like a particularly pissed off wolverine. So a win-win situation! Try to go with a silly accent? Definitely, “Excuse me, but did this pink-haired young woman just call you ‘Doug’?” A bit deeper and growler than usual.

He just stares at me. My guess is that he’s refusing to accept a talking dog. This is quite hilarious. I would probably have done the same thing and just think I only thought I heard a dog talk to me.

“Oh yes, this is my good friend Doug. I’m sure he would never mean to hit you on purpose,” Pretty girl says.

Hmmm. Lets try to guilt this asshole into apologizing for running me over. I sniff, saying,“Hmph! Well, he hasn’t said that he’s sorry!” I glare at him. I wonder if I look scary.

He flings his hands into the air and walked away a couple of steps. He leans against his car and slowly slides down to the pavement. He whispers something to the other pink haired girl. I could have easily heard it, but that really wouldn’t be polite, would it?

Getting a better look at the other pink haired girl, I noticed that her hair was a much darker shade of pink. Oh, and she couldn’t seem to keep still. She’s kinda familiar, really almost like-

“Hey dingo, Doug says he’s sorry!” She yells, and turns to the other girl “Oh, and he said you need to tell the dingo to go away.” Well, there goes my self esteem. Time for more guilt tripping!

Frowning, or frowning as much as a dingo can. Wait, I’m a dingo? Does that mean I’m in Australia? How am I still alive!? Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, frowning.

“You know what, I don’t think he’s sincere at all. I finally decide to speak to one of you and it turns out nobody wants to listen. Well fine, whatever!” Now lets milk it with the ole’ limp away and moaning. It’s not that hard when you don’t know how to walk on 4 legs.

“Fine! I’m sorry we hit you,” Dr. Doug Hale calls out behind me, “You just kind of tripped in the middle of the road, and I couldn’t swerve in time to avoid you.” It wasn’t my fault that I got flung out onto a road! “Are you okay? Come on back here.”

There we go, I guess we’re even now. He seems like a cool enough dude, anyway. At least cool enough not to rat me out to Australian scientists bent on weaponizing talking dingos. Now... right paw, left paw? Er... yeah, it’s hard to walk when you have to think about it. “So, you are called Doug, right?”

“Yes. My name is Doug.”

The hyperactive girl kneels beside me and loudly chirps in,“Hi, I’m Pinkie!” Oh my god! “This here is Fluttershy.”

~What!?~

WHAT?

“And the white-haired one is Angel.” She says something else, but all it does is slam against the pure ball of anger pin balling around my skull. This man, this stable Australian family man, has found not one, but both! Both! Of my favorite ponies! That’s it!

~His punishment must be more... severe.~

For once we are in agreement. This is some serious bullshit! I don’t care if it isn’t his fault that he found them. I don’t care that I didn’t have to let Discord into my life and have all this shit happen to me!

What would have happened if I had found one of them instead of Discord, anyway? Would it have been an idyllic Pony on earth situation where they would have turned my life around? A bit cliche, but if only that had happen. I’d still be living in my apartment, that’s for sure. Worst case scenario, it would be lined wall to wall with streamers or full of animals

This guy will suffer! Alright, so I can’t just leap at him and bite his face off. Not with Fluttershy here. I bet she’s been through a lot. Pinkie Pie probably did the same as Discord and just rolled with it when she woke up to Doug.

Alright, lets check out his mental state. He seems to be a down to Earth guy. So, I bet his faith in the way things work in the world are pretty fragile. A talking dingo would piss me off now that I think about it. Just more chaotic bullshit that I don’t feel like dealing with. What would be the final straw for this guy, though? He’s already seen people who were supposed to be fictional ponies already.

Wait... waaaaiit. Oh, my god. Convince him that he is a fictional character! But what kind of fictional character? It doesn’t have to be that believable, does it? Wait, I’m slightly bigger than most dingos are, aren’t I?

I turn to Pinkie Pie. “Okaaay, nice to meet you, strange person who I absolutely have never heard of before in any way ever,” Smooth. Real smooth. I turn back to Doug. “So... I have finally found you then! You have no idea how long I have been searching for you!”

I savor the look of confusion on his face. “Well, how long have you been searching for me, and why?”

Okay, now to pretend to think about his question. “Well, gee. It hasn’t been all that...” Pause now, worried expression. “Wait. You really don’t know?” Gasp. No, that’s not a gasp. Whatever, it’s good enough. “You mean to say that you don’t remember me?”

“Uh...” He looks back and forth between me and the Equestrians. Yes! Squirm in your confusion! “I guess I don’t?”

Alright, now let’s have some despair. Think of that one pet shelter commercial. I bury my nose under my paws. “Oh no. Oh, this is not good at all...”

He walks closer to me. “Okay, so I don’t remember you, but you can still tell me why you are looking for me.”

Alright, gotta pretend to have a difficult time explaining this. “Well, this is going to be really hard to explain,” Hmmm... let’s give him a new name while we’re at it. “Dougery.” Teehee. “But this isn’t your world. You don’t belong here.”

“Um, I thought you said you were born on Earth,” Fluttershy says in confusion. D’awww. Pinkie is strangely quiet.

“I... I was,” He says in false macho confidence. “I have the baby pictures to prove it. What do you mean?”

Serious business time now. “Winter has come!” I bellow. “Winterfell is being overrun! Don’t you remember? Only a Stark can fight and hold off the Others, but they have all fallen!” I stare straight into his eyes. “All but one. The last remaining Stark: Dougery Stark.” I step closer. “I’ve come to take you home.”

He gawps like a fish, completely speechless. “I... can’t go home just yet,” I can’t resist smiling for some reason. “Listen, if I really am a Stark, then I can’t go back right now. I need to take care of these young women and escort them back to their own world. They, too, don’t belong here.”

Bah. Oh well, what was I going to do with this bit anyway?

~Arrgghh!~ Crazy voice screams in frustration.

Blah, let me guess, you hate me because I’ve let this go already?

~...~

I take your silence for a yes.

I cock my head to the side and say,“Okay then.” I jog to the car and say, “I’ll just chill with you guys until you can get that sorted out.”

“What?” He barks. Shit. “No... no no no! I can’t take in any more visitors from other worlds or dimensions, and I surely can’t...“ He pauses. Double shit. “Wait, what did you just say?”

Okay, I don’t think I said anything incriminating. “I said “I’ll just chill with you guys and...”” Oh... shit. I give a nervous little smile as I turn and look at Doug. “Uh, you know. Chill. You’re a Stark, I thought you’d appreciate the pun!”

“I may not be a Stark,” Damn damn damn damn. “But even I know that they don’t use the term ‘chill’ in that manner. Who are you really?”

Maybe I can still turn this around! “Oh... oh! Wait, you’re not the last Stark! I was confused by that amazing beard of yours, and...“ Damn it, this isn’t working at all. “Oh... oh come on!” I give another smile. “Can’t we just forget about this and maybe enjoy a few cold Cokes together?”

“Yes!” Pinkie shouts gleefully. There we go, Doug couldn’t refuse Pinkie, could h-

“No!” He shouts angrily. This sheep slut just refused Pinkie Pie!

“Last chance.” Oh, he’s getting serious. “Who are you, really?”

Pffft, Fine I give up. “Bah! Fine, the name’s Ashton. Nice to meet ya, Doug.”

He gets down to eye level and stares into my very soul. “So, Ashton. Were you always a talking dingo?”

Meh, I’m already in deep with this guy. A little sarcasm won’t hurt. Probably.“Oh gee, I wish! It’s just so fun getting run over by crazy Australians. We’re in Australia, right? Anyways, no. I’ve only been a dingo for ten, maybe fifteen minutes.”

“Right. Yes, we’re in Australia. No, I probably won’t believe anything you tell me anymore.” It’s like he can read my mind! “But, seeing as you’re the only talking animal other than a bird that I’ve met, I’m willing to hear your story. Just don’t lie to me again, or else.” Oh yeah, that’s definitely fair.

Hmmm... I don’t think it would be smart to tell him about Discord since he has Pinkie and Fluttershy, so lets try to change the subject. “Yeah, yeah. I won’t lie to you again,” Going to act like I’m still angry about nearly getting run over. “I think we’re even now for the whole You-Running-Me-Over-Like-a-Madman tidbit, anyway.”

“Wait, so you just made that up to get back at me for hitting you?” Oh, that probably wasn’t a good reason either.

Meh, he wouldn’t do anything with Fluttershy here right? “Yes, that’s all me! I did that. Also, I’m pretty jealous that you found Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. You lucky dog.” There’s a little truth for yah.

“Yeah, about them. I don’t know who you are, other than someone or something that was turned into a dingo, but I think it would be best to forget you ever saw them.” God, so serious. “Understand?”

“Yeah, yeah. We’re kind of in the same boat, dude,” I say. I’m kinda insulted that he didn’t know it before then. “How do you think I got turned into a dingo in the first place?”

“Well, with all that has happened lately, I suppose it could be any number of things. Were you a human before this happened?” Didn’t he already ask me that?

Whatever. “Yes.” Expounding on my confirmation, I say, “I was in America, too.” I‘m boiling alive. Being a dingo in Australia sucks! I want to get in the car with Pinkie and Fluttershy now. “Wait, this seems a little weird. Do we have to discuss this on the side of the road?”

“Fine,” He says, opening the rear door to his car. Yes! “Hop in and we can discuss this on the way to my camp.”

“Thanks!” Oh my god, Angel, hurry the hell up! It’s Satan’s asscrack out here!

Just as I get comfortable, Doug looks at me through his rear-view mirror. “Oh, and Ashton?” His real question is obvious in his eyes. Don’t even think of fucking with the girls.

How dare he even suggest that I would do anything to Pinkie and Fluttershy! “Yeah, yeah. As if I would ever do anything to Pinkie or Fluttershy. Sheesh!”

I hope it won’t be a long trip to wherever we’re going.

Names (DANGER ZONE)

Names
Chapter next

I could never remember names, or faces. Probably due to my aforementioned apathy. Never really saw the point in remembering people who were just dull, sad sacks going through life like I was.

In some works of fiction however, names are very important. It might be that knowing someone’s name allows you to have control over them, or in others, knowing a name can let you curse them.

I would never have thought that names would turn out to be serious shit in the real world.

This must be what hell feels like. I just can not stop twitching! Whenever if its the sudden heightened senses of being a human in the body of an animal combined with psychological trauma of being exposed to whatever the hell Discord uses to navigate the space inbetween like a particularly evil version of doctor. Then again it could just be the stress.

~Brain cancer! Gooooo brain cancer!~

Now, twitching isn’t all that bad, if you’re a human that is. When you have a fur coat and a nose that-

~Who the hell are you thinking to? Because you know for a fact I couldn’t care less for your self commentary that rambles non-stop right?~

Aforementioned chaotic exposure probably has something to do with my new style of narration, I think to Crazy Voice, desperate for a distraction from the miasma in this mobile hotbox.

I can’t even think of -

~Ahem, your are thinking right now, boy.~

Jesus! Can’t I detach myself from this ridiculous situation for a little while without you butting in?

~Fine, only so you can suffer in silence. By the way, you are now aware of that other smell in the car.~

Gah! Need fresh air! Air! Wait, no, this is Australia! Oh god the stench. But Australia! Air... but... dropbears!

Oh wait a second... the car isn’t moving. Gotta get out gotta get out gotta get out. Ouch! Oh, right, no thumbs.

...

Oh my god, I have no thumbs!

...

Oh right, dingo.

Oh no, something else is happening!

Wait, no, thats just a sneeze.

Wait...

I am in the Australian wilderness.

~Yup~

I stretch my back a bit in anticipation of having to fight off a rabid pinecone. +15 to initiative .

~Why aren’t you commenting on the surroundings in your usual inane descriptive blathering, boy?~

What can I say. It’s basically the same as any other desolate wilderness. Yah got your trees, your dirt, your campsite equipment... In fact I am hard pressed to find anything unique about this place that I couldn’t have found in amurica.

“Is this really Australia? Nothing has tried to kill me for a good fifteen minutes now.”

Say, while we are on the topic of passive aggressive comments on our out-of-character behavior, why are you sounding more like me? You don’t sound nearly as foreboding lately.

~...~

Whatever.

Alright, don’t forget to make him feel a bit guilty now Ashton. “Not since you ran me over, anyway.” I mutter just loud enough for him to hear.

He twists his head back at me, looking like a weary hobo.“Yes, this is Australia. Burrinjuck Nature Reserve, to be exact. We’re fairly close to Canberra.”

“Wow, you answered that quicker than I thought you would.”
Bleagh, geography, why do I even ask that question when I don’t really care where I am?

~Same reason that you are going to ask the next one.~

“Mind telling me the date as well?”

He gives me an incredulous stare and turns his head to the others. “Hey, I’m going to have a chat with Ashton alone for a bit. Are you going to be alright by yourselves for a few minutes?”

Pinkie Pie gives an adorable salute and shouts out, “Sure thing, Captain!” She drags Fluttershy along as Angel follows close behind. No doubt going to have a party for a koala or something.

Doug turns back to face me. “Date huh? It’s the seventeenth of April. Just what happened to you that caused you to end up as an animal that doesn’t know where he is or what the date is?”

Discord obviously. Nah, saying his name always ends up poorly for everyone doesn’t it?

~Oh you sound so sure that you can summon Discord by saying his name. He isn’t Beetlejuice you twat.~

I refuse to take the chance.

“Well I...” 16th? That can’t be right... “Wait, Australia isn’t uh... it’s not four days behind America is it? Time zones and all that.” Wait, no, Australia is a day behind a the most... That must mean... Son of a bitch I am in the past! That means I have to wait even longer for the season finale!

~You do know that those characters are currently in the real world right?~

Its still a cartoon Crazy, and its still being made by a somewhat greedy toy company. Though the metaphysical-philosopher in me wonders if that certain spark that made the show so good will be gone until the characters are back in Equestria.

~Naaah~

“Come on.” He says, walking ahead of me toward the source of a delightful, moist, breeze. “You coming?”

wait.

Moist? Moist means wet...
Wet means water.
Water means clean.
Clean means purge.
Purge means NO FLUFFY PONY GUNK!

I make a flawless leap into the lake, which was admittedly lower then I thought it would be.

Oh, this was a cliff overlooking a lake wasn’t it?

~Looks like it~

This is going to hurt isn’t-

~Yes.~

I sputter, hacking about 2 pints of water out my nose. Not that cold surprisingly. I look up to see Dougs astonished face. Hehe. “Sorry, I haven’t had a bath in...” Wait, I’m in Australia... WHY DO I KEEP FORGETTING THIS! “Wait, this water doesn’t have spider piranhas in it, does it?”

“Nah mate,” he says reassuringly from the side of the steep hill

That's good.

“There might be a few snakes, but nothing that’ll kill you in under an hour.” Hah, as if there would be anything mundane as snakes in Australia. “Just holler if you feel something bite you.”

Wait, is he serious?

~Yes.~

Nah, he is probably just trying to get even with me. I stare at Doug, not quite sure what to say. Then it hits me.

Ponies.

“So, uh... Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie then?” Wow, paws are just HORRIBLE at scrubbing!

“Yeah that’s them, I think. Angel, too. I thought they were just weird pony fans until I broke a Pinkie promise,” So it took him awhile to accept that fictional characters might actually be real. Not that surprising.

~Yes, only a complete weirdo would believe that ponies from a children's show would spontaneously come into being.~

“You still haven’t told me how you ended up like this.” Damn, now that’s a question I didn’t want asked.

~Be honest, you would rather not be asked anything at all, You lazy sack of fur!~

“Look, I really don’t want to talk about that right now. Let’s just say that I said something monumentally stupid,” Yes, just be vague and... “Wait, you broke a Pinkie promise?” Meh, I suppose that would just be another thing hell bent on destroying him.

“Yeah, and it’s something I don’t recommend doing, either. Have you ever seen someone’s eyes change color as they’re surrounded by an aura of pure rage? It’s not something I want to experience again.” Yup, classic Pinkie pie.

Oooh Doug has a nice throwing arm.
“So, who did you find?” I may as well tell him that I found Discord, even though its blatantly obvious. Actually, why would he even need to ask? WHO ELSE WOULD TURN ME INTO A DAMN MANGO SUCKING DINGO?

I’ll call him out on this stupid game of his. “So you really don’t know, Doug?” I feign polite curiosity.

“Well based off what the girls have told me, I have my suspicions,” Uhuh, just say it will you? “How did you get away?” Why is he changing the subject?

“Get away from who?” Like a fisherman from Innsmouth, this is one squid of a subject you aren’t getting away from Doug.

~Now that was a horribly forced analogy. Is the chaos getting to you, boy?~

“Well, I suppose with all the ponies basically falling into my lap, I’ll discover who you found sooner or later anyway,” Still skirting around the subject? Come on this is getting old.

“So you really don’t know, even when it’s so glaringly obvious?”

“No clue.” He’s refusing to say it. He doesn’t seem like he would be this stubborn... unless if he can’t say it. “I guess you don’t want to hear about all the other ponies I’ve found. Oh well.”

Whatever, this is more interesting than whatever lame background pony you might have found! “Not even a guess?”I ask coyly.

“Oh I don’t know.” He gets up, walking back and forth a bit. “Maybe you found Ned Stark!”Ooh, australian sarcasm! How quaint “Or maybe it was Fred Flintstone, and I’m supposed to be the long, lost heir to the Flintstone empire!”

Alright lets get serious “Hey, I’m being serious here, Doug!”
Super serious. “You said you had suspicions. Who do you suspect I found?”

“You know who I think you found.” His eye twitches. “It’s that one guy.” He... He doesn’t know.
“The one that causes, you know... things.” Wait, he definitely did know. I am sure of it

“Ha, I knew it!” Okay, so I don’t really know what I knew but this is probably the best way to make him think that I know what’s really going on. Plus, I could probably get this guy to come up with the answer for me. I’ll just pretend I knew all along

“Damn it, you know who it is that I think you found! Why can’t I think of the name?” Yup, he is getting flustered

“Ha, don’t you see?” I laugh a bit, enforcing that I knew something that he didn’t.

Durr hur, Me gullible australian, you magic wizard who make brain feel funny.

~I bet it wasn’t all that hard to think like that, huh.~

Oh shush, can’t I have a moment of privacy to secretly mock someone who can’t even say Discords name?

Wait...

Name. Oh my god.

“It’s all in the name!” I pass off my sudden realization with jovial chuckling.

“You have to tell me the name of who you found, or I’ll never be able to figure it out, regardless of how obvious it is!” He says what should have been obvious to me as soon as I met Discord. I mean, anyone would have instantly thought that he was someone cosplaying as the spirit of chaos when I first saw him.

I give him evidence to confirm his theory. “It’s why I didn’t realize you had found Pinkie or Fluttershy until they said their names, even though I was staring them right in the face! It was the same way for the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”

“Wait, what did you say?” Crap “You’re Fullmetal_Pony?” Wait... isn’t that the fanfic writer that did those conversion bureau fics? He shakes his head “That doesn’t seem right, he seemed to be a little more... stable. And how would the Crusaders turn you into a dingo?” He’s starting to grasp at straws.

“Fullmetal_Pony? Wasn’t he the guy who wrote that one fanfic?”I ask to confirm my suspicions. Wait... I don’t even care. I am just going to hazard a guess and say that mister "fullmetal" is John. “I wouldn’t be surprised if that did happen to him. Would serve him right.”

“And how did you come across him and the Crusaders?” It might break him if I told him how I traveled from an abandoned apartment window to a college dorm wind. Without a doubt, Discord is the only MLP character capable of doing that. As much fun as it would be to see his brain knot up trying to overcome the bizarre magic’s keeping him from really knowing who found me, I will probably need him to pull me up this steep hill.

Lets go with empathy garnering truthiness “Well, he hit me with a shower stand and tied me up...”

“I suppose the royal princesses beat you with candy canes, too?”

“No, John was the only one to hit me.” Surprisingly. That one chick who wanted to thwack discord with the lamp looked pretty violent. “Wait, did you find the princesses?” Damn, and I thought I was getting lucky with finding fictional characters

“Oh yes,” Oh, I definitely know he’s lying, but I’ll play along none the less.
“Both of them, and several other ponies, too. I just can’t seem to remember their locations though.” Snide smart ass comment coming up... now.
“Maybe it’d come back to me if a certain dingo would stop being mysterious and just tell me who he found?”

Pah, take my mystique and I have nothing left! Except of course a bundle of neurotic psychosis.
Oh and pessimism, can’t forget that character flaw. “Knowing my luck, they’ll find me at breakfast tomorrow. Ashton, the sentient toaster!” Lets go with another truth. “Fine, I’ll tell you who I found. It was Tom.”

“Tom? Rarity’s boulder, Tom?” He asks warily. Hmm, well he does believe me, but he knows that Tom isn’t the one behind me being a dingo.

“That’s the one!” Teehee, its fun messing with australians.
“Oh, didn’t I mention that I found two Equestrians?”

“Did I mention that I’ve found seven?” He said, with what was obviously a smug smile It isn’t a competition! If it was, I would totally be winning though, because you are just a dirty lying australian CHEATER!

“Yeah. You found Pinkie, Fluttershy, Angel, the three Cutie Mark Crusaders, and the two princesses. Wait, that’s eight! You said you found seven; you didn’t find the two princesses?” And thats Jenga. Damn, even I wouldn’t have messed up that kind of lie.

~Oh really?~

“Oh, sorry mate. I must not have spoken the entire truth. Frustrating, isn’t it?”Oooh, such a burn mista down-unda man.

~A bit bitchy are we? Sure you aren’t a lady dingo?~

Shove the hell off, you’re just jealous that I actually have a body

~HATE!~

“You can either tell me who you found, or keep it a secret. But don’t expect anyone to offer you any help by remaining mysterious.”

“It’s for your own good, really,”
All this truth is making me sick! I can only struggle to get a hand- er... paw hold on the rocky hillside.
“It’s best that I don’t say his name.”
I wonder how close I could get without telling his name. There is only what, a handful of male characters in mlp?

Thankfully the oaf slides down to help nudge me up.

“Hey.” So how about I change the subject now. How about something more relevant to the situation? “Do you think becoming a dingo makes me a furry?”

“Only if you go mate with another one,”
Makes perfect sense.
“Look, you want to keep your secrets, that’s fine. I can actually respect someone who knows how to keep their mouth shut about our situation. But this is where we part ways. I have an obligation to get these three, and any other Equestrians I stumble across, back to their rightful home. I can’t trust anyone who isn’t willing to cooperate.” Hah, that’s funny... It’s almost like he is implying that he...

“Wait,” My ears slacken.
“You’re just going to leave me to fend for myself in the Australian wilderness?”

“No, mate. Whoever did this to you is the one leaving you to fend for yourself in the Australian wilderness.” Damn his fancy australian mann logic!” If you ever want to be free of him, you might want to consider someday telling me his name.”

“Please, you don’t need to know the name!”
I beg him.
“The last person I told his name to got hurt really badly.”

“And did you help this person out, or did you leave that person to fend for themselves?” Oh such seriousness. It’s almost as if he considers me an evildoer!

~Hmm, lets do a check list shall we? Nothing but chaos and destruction in your wake? Check. Shifty and conniving personality? Check! Absolutely bonkers? Hahahaha! Check, check, and CHECK!~

“Well, when I got zapped into a dingo and sent here, the character I found was nursing a serious wound to his manhood.” Well, that’s certainly a truth. Doug takes the bait and nods, seeing me in a different light... probably. Thinking of him getting kicked in the nuts still gives me the giggles. Ha!

“Hey!”“Just how long ago was it when you ran into Fullmetal_Pony and the Cutie Mark Crusaders?”Hmm, How long ago was it anyway? It seems like ages ago.

~Thats the ADD talking, boy.~

Ignoring you Crazy, I stare into space thinking about how long ago it actually was. Huh, not that long ago actually.

“An hour or so ago, I guess. After John took that awful tumble down the stairs and Apple Bloom bucked Discord right in the b-”

“Discord!” Doug exclaims, his eyes shined with glorious realization

“Oh balls,” Stupid stupid stupid! OSTRICH THEORY! Gah! No thumbs! Oh Lyra I feel your pain!
Oh what’s he going to do? I don’t think I would get better if he decided to turn me into a newt!
…
Nothing is happening
“Wait, where is he?”

“That’s strange, he usually..” Actually he doesn’t “usually” anything does he? He always does the exact opposite of what you expect him to do, so if I expect him to show up, he won’t will h-

“OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?” I cry as dive for cover behind Doug, that wonderful australian outback hero person. As I cower I hear the rumbling of a massive engine, and the crashing of trees as some sort of vile, no doubt chaotic contraption made it’s way for us.

I close my eyes even tighter, maybe if I keep them shut he will just ign-

“Well hello, Ashton!” The haunting voice creeps into my ears.
“A little hot under the collar?”

Impulses (DANGER ZONE!)

Impulses
Chapter: Jeez-I-ought-to-start-labeling-this-accurately-again-shouldn’t-I?

Alright, so I wasn’t always this odd in the head. As a young kid, I was actually normal. Kinda normal. Okay, so not that normal. I was considered a “Problem Child”. My early childhood was spent setting stuff on fire, accidentally mutilating my pets (Honest, how was I supposed to know Mickey Mouse was a liar?), peeing on anything I felt needed to be peed on.
This wonderous life style continued up until middle school, when I found out about the true wonders of the internet. My shenanigans promptly stopped, much to the relief of my parents, who would have much rather had a shut-in than a felon.

Did lolcats somehow cure me of my anti-social impulses? Nah. If anything, it made it worse. What it did do, however, was make me too lazy to act on these constant urges.

That’s not to say that the odd (ruinous) stunt doesn’t happen now and again.

~Open your eyes, boy.~

No.

~You need to breathe eventually.~

Don’t you dare quote Invader Zim!

~He is walking closer, boy.~

I can hear him quite clearly, and... and... why am I even acknowledging you? Just because you aren’t really a part of me doesn’t mean I have to not ignore you. Hah, that’s actually a load off my mind.

~I’m still here, boy.~

Now let’s see. You know what, I bet he thinks that Doug is me!

“Still making assumptions then, are we, Ashton?” I open my eyes to see Discord looming over us. Mostly looming over me, actually. From this angle everyone but Angel is taller than me.
Origami samurai armor held together by Hello Kitty stickers? He just wears weird shit for the hell of it, doesn’t he?

…

~That has to be the most obvious thought you’ve had in hours.~

“Well, I suppose I never was the best teacher,” he murmurs to himself.

I wonder what he would teach. Wait, he’s looking at me. Uh oh... shit... do something!

“Bark!”

…

“Er, I mean...”

I could probably murder them all... then no one will ever know.

Hahahahaha! As if I would do that. Please! Just gotta keep character!

They do look tasty...

Nah, just keep in character.

Okay, so I barked... I really barked. This is kind of humiliating.

They aren’t taking the bait...

Lie harder!

It’s easy, dingos are like dogs, so all I need to do is act like a dog! Just need to fling myself on the ground and roll. Oh god, the rocks! AHHHH!

Are they buyin- no... no, they aren’t.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT TAIL! STUPID DINGO TAIL, I WILL UTTERLY DESTRO-

“Fluffy, ponies.”

~Enf enf, boy.~

OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE IT’S HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN. Jesus, Discord must really be a twisted version of Morgan Freeman. That makes so much sense.

“I thought we agreed not to speak of that.” Or maybe we didn’t... I don’t really remember much after they started piling up on me.

Eaagghh, okay shake it off, it’s just a memory... as far as I know, those furry bastards are dead.

Or at least 5 million miles away from me. Spreading across the country-side like a retarded plague of hairy testicals. This isn’t a pleasant line of thought, I should stop. Fluffy ponies. STOP!

“Nice armor, mate.” Who said that? Oh, the Australian. Figures he wouldn’t be scared like John was. This might just turn out alright. Then again, it’s probably going to end badly. “Did you make that yourself?”

Small talk with the Spirit of Chaos? Meh, it’ll probably have the same effect as saying anything else to Discord.

“Eh, it came with the car,” he says casually with a shrug. “And you are...?”

Doug turns to me to draw upon my fountain of wisdom. Hah, you’re on your own! Okay, I need to stop forgetting that I’m a dingo, and that dingos can’t quite shrug derisively.

“Well, my name is Doug.” Oh, so he didn’t want my famous taco recipe? Well, it’s not like him knowing Doug’s name will actually result in anything. This isn’t a Jim Butcher novel.

“Earth has some wonderfully peculiar names, does it not?” he comments to himself with that smile.

~Why are you emphasising that detail? It’s just a smile.~

Because I can. Actually... I think I’m forgetting something. Yeah, something about a name or two that shouldn’t be said right now?

really want to get a closer look at that humongous car-thing that the other human just arrived in! Doesn’t it just look amazing?”

“Um, no thank you,” I hear Fluttershy refuse assertively, or about as assertively as she usually can.

No shit Fluttershy’s cautious, look at that fucking thing! It’s plaid! PLAID! Wait, it’s not just plaid, actually. Even the most complex plaid pattern isn’t that intrinsic. My best bet is that it was made with euclid geometry.

~Rambling is definitely the best thing to do now, boy.~

“It did just kill all those trees, you know...” Fluttershy trailed off.

Oh my god, look at all those broken trees! How am I just noticing that?!

“Flutter...” Oh crap, Discord is registering what Pinkie Pie said. Gotta think fast!

~He’s almost as slow as you are.~

It is kinda strange how he isn’t that witty, isn’t it? I mean, in the show he was all cryptic and sly, but here he acts like a clo-

“Did she just call that girl Flu-”

Haughlrgble! “Yes!” Alright, get between Discord and Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. I can’t believe Doug found both of them, the lucky bastard. Oh wait, gotta pull some bullshit with Discord and hope it works.

~It won’t.~

“Yes indeed, Disco.” Gah, what a stupid nickname. I’m probably going to be turned into a poodle after this.

“She totally just said Fluttery Shies.” Totally? What am I, a bimbo dingo?

“Yes, the Fluttery Shies.”

Wow, what a tacky name, this isn’t going to work. Nope nope nope.

“She’s a celebrity here on Earth, you know,” I continue, not technically lying.

What kind of career would Fluttery Shies have?

Porn, definitely porn. It’s fucking Fluttershy, think of something else!

“Irish folk singer extraordinaire!”

~SHE DOESN’T EVEN SOUND IRISH!~

Whoops! Oh my god, this is so embarrassing, I can’t look. I look behind me to Doug and the girls. Doug nods his head. Wait, did I actually distract Discord from finding out about Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie?

You know... A porno starring Fluttershy and Pinkie- OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!

Well, it looks like Discord has been distracted! I am a freaking genius! Hahah- That is not the look of a man who has been hoodwinked. That is the look of a man who has just been insulted. Gosh damn it.

“What are you talking about?” Pinkie Pie pipes up. “That’s not her name, silly. It’s Fl-mmph!” Someone behind me has actually managed to gag Pinkie Pie. Now that’s an accomplishment

Why are we even bothering anymore? We’re doomed... DOOOMED!

“Who told you that name?” Discord roars.

Oh crap, he’s mad about the nickname. Actually, I would be pretty pissed if anyone found out my stupid nickname.

Wait... what is he taking out of his nose? Isn’t that a whistl- Not a whistle! NOT A WHISTLE! Oh thank god he st- Argghh!! This is even worse! Why is he dancing? Why why why! MY EARS ARE BEING VIOLATED BY LUCIFER'S RAZER DILDOS! Someone end my misery.

~Jump off the cliff again!~

“Well, yes,” came a voice that sounded like a choir of angels descending upon my wounded ear lobes. “This was a great show of, uh, randomness.” Ah yes, help me out here Doug, you brilliant bastard, I knew you wouldn’t let me down! “Quite impressive, mate. I should probably get going though. I have, uh, business to attend to.”

He’s ditching me like John did... I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN DOUG! SUFFER! SUFFFEEEEER! DON’T YOU INCH AWAY FROM ME WHILE I GLARE AT YOU!

~You aren’t saying that you know.~

Well, he is Australian, do I look like an idiot to you?

~Yes.~

Bah, anyhow, Doug isn’t ditching me here. Hmmm... ahah!

“Well... you know, it’s almost time for lunch...” I remark with a sneer. I am such an asshole.

Doug blanches as Discord finally surveys his surroundings.

“A picnic? Oh, how delightful! Thank goodness I came prepared!”

I sit up and laugh at Doug’s failure. “Ha! Thought you could leave me like John did, huh? Fat chance!”

He’s glaring at me and grinding his teeth now. Now that I think about it, this may have been a poor decision.

“So, mister uh...Oh, sorry. I didn’t catch your name.” Pretty half-assed attempt at pretending that you don’t actually know his name, but I suppose I couldn’t do much better. “Anyway, what stupidity did Ashton get up to in order to deserve this?”

Discord pivots around on his heels to face Doug. “He did what you are trying to do, Dougie my boy!” he drawls, his accent taking up an English sounding air. “He had the gall to assume that he could predict chaos!” Oh, I bet that would be one of Discord’s little buttons.

-Ding!-

Where the blazes did that noise come from?

“That’s the pie!”

Oh, the car. Of course it would have an oven, wouldn’t it? No, it wouldn’t just be an oven, probably something weird like a hibachi grill in the dashboard. Wait, now that I think about it, that would be pretty rad, in a suicidal kind of way. Some rich pretentious douche would probably have one installed so that- Gah! I do ramble don’t I? Must. Control. The situation!

~Must. Find. A way out of your mind!~

Disregarding that remark on my mildly inconsistent thought railway express, I turn to see Doug. I bet he’s fit to just grab Flutters and Pinkie and just bolt. Would that be so bad? I mean, the last time that happened I was only drunk by a can of soda, saw a giant fly turn into a winged monkey, and turned into a dingo. Yeah, no.

“Running didn’t help John,” I politely inform him.

“My apologies,” Doug says starting his vain attempt to save face, not that this kind of faux pas really matters with Discord, except when it doe-

*Bu-dump*

Why is everything getting so slow?

*Bu-dump*

Why isn’t anything moving?

*Bu-dump*

Why am I not moving?

*Bu-dump*

Oh Crazy Voice... old buddy, old pal, old friend of friends... What, pray tell, did you do to me?

*Bu-dump*

~As much as I would like to take credit for this, I have to say that I can’t really do anything except stew in my hatred for you, much less cause time to stop. No, this is probably an aneurism, hopefully~

*Bu-dump*

Maybe this situation has become so awkward that the laws of time itself have decided to just sit this twisted quagmire of social etiquette out for once.

*Bu-dump*

~Or you could go with the obvious choice, I.E. Discord, A.K.A The Spirit of Chaos.~

*Bu-dump*

Well, that would have been my first choice, if he wasn’t as frozen as the rest of us.

*Bu-dump*

~He is?~

*Bu-dump*

My eyes are locked on him, I couldn’t look away from him even I wanted to, which I don’t. And if I am seeing him, then you must be seeing him as well if you are connected to me like this.

*Bu-dump*

~I don’t see what you see, boy, I see what you think.~

*Bu-dump*

Wouldn’t that just be the same thing?

*Bu-dump*

~It would be if someone wasn’t an ADHD poster child who can’t focus longer than 6 sec-

*Bu-dump*

And for christ’s sake, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT NOISE!?

*Bu-dump*

~See what I mean? Anyway, it’s a heartbeat, I thought that even you would know that~

*Bu-dump*

Now it’s my turn to be a smart ass, time has stopped, nothing is moving, not even my heart.

*Bu-dump*

~Ah, so it is, now tell me, how do you feel, being unable to breath and scratch your nose?~

*Bu-dump*

Wow, and you came from my head? Gah, my subconscious is such an asshole if it spawned the likes of you. Well, your little mind trick won’t work on me!

…

Okay, yeah, it totally is. Oh my god, I think I’m going to have a panic attack! Gotta move, gotta move, gotta move!

*Bu-dump Crunch*

Oooh, new noise! New noise! Oh, and there’s someone moving! I’ve totally forgotten that I have no feeling in my toes. Paws. Oh my god, I’m a time-stopped talking dingo! This has the makings of the wackiest sitcom ever, just need a beatboxing paper mache clown and a new apartment in detroit and I’d be set!

*Crunch*

~Alright, you insufferable clown mutt, backtrack a bit in that caffeine addled mind of yours. Who is moving? Who!~

*Crunch*

Don’t take that tone of thought with me mister! What is the magic word?

*Crunch*

~Fluffy Ponies, Dream Sequence, Slurping Coke.~

*Crunch*

Close enough.

He had suddenly appeared, accompanied by the scent of spearmint and lemons, which is weird, since I shouldn’t have been smelling anything. He was wearing a robe. No, not a bathrobe, an honest-to-god monk robe, with a hood and everything. It would probably have been super ominous, if the robe hadn’t been decked out in a tacky Hawaiian tourist pattern. He was around 7 feet of eyesore. Switching to present tense...

Now, I can’t see his face, although it’s as sunny as can be today. The Discord I’m staring at is starting to look a little fake now. As if at any moment he is going to fall, and turn out to be a cardboard cutout. I can make out a gleam from where I suppose this familiar stranger’s eyes would be. My best guess is that he is wearing sunglasses. My worst guess is that he has laser eyes.

He’s holding a camera. One of those old fancy ones with a light bulb. I can clearly see two letters embedded to the left of the lense. “F.A.”... Initials no doubt, but who has those initials? Why am I pointlessly speculating this stranger’s name? Why am I still thinking like this. When will I move again?

Blarrrghhh! There! Happy for that exposition?

*Crunch*

Wait a second... That isn’t the sound of footsteps. Is he eating something? Eating something while time is stopped?

~Moving around while the laws of time are taking a coffee break is one thing, but eating as well? Lordy lordy!~

Shut it! Oh wait, you can’t because you don’t have anything real to shut, mister-I-don’t-have-a-body-so-I’m-going-to-screw-with-you-until-you-finally-snap-and-stab-someone-in-the-face.

~It wouldn’t be that hard to do, boy.~

*Crunch*

Okay, what in Jack’s name is he eating? Wait, who’s Jack?

“Some douche pretty boy, not that it matters,” comes a hollow yet mirthful voice, if that makes sense, ”I’m eating a pretzel, by the way.”

Oh, so he, or at least I’m presuming it’s a he, can read my-

“I can’t read your mind Ashton. I just know you this well.”

Creepy! How is he talking if his mouth is full of pretzel? In fact, his hands are too busy holding that camera to hold a pretzel, so he should be holding this pretzel in his mouth.

“Rest assured Ashton, there is a pretzel.”

*Crunch*

I’m guessing he has a trained ferret in his robes.

“There isn’t a ferret.”

Damn!

He gives a small chuckle, the kind that a kindly old surgeon would have. It’s completely at odds with his height.

“This part never gets old.”

Oh god, a snake is wrapping around me!

~It’s probably an arm.~

Ah, so it is. I hope.

“Smile for the camera!” I see a sharp white crescent appear where I would suppose his mouth would be. He flashes me.

*Crunch*

~Ew!~

With the camera! The camera!

~You still thought about it!~

I shook the red squiggles out of my eyes.

“I did not mean to offend. You must realize that most of the people I meet are very, uh... dull. It’s all-too-easy to get into the habit of predicting things.” Doug says to Discord’s back who- wait oh my god, where did that other guy go? OH MY GOD TIME HAS RESUMED.

~Wow, it’s kind of sad how slow you are, now keep narrating, I think it’s starting to get good!~

Fine!

So our chivalrous cohort, Doug, turns back to the de-ponified damsels and their taciturn tween, Angel. The terrified trio’s tongues tight in intrigue as this sensationally silly situation played out. The fantastically fair Fluttershy’s friend, Pinkie Pie, plays with her colorful curly locks, almost about to throw caution to the wind without warning-

~Please! PLEASE STOP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!~

Hahaha. Okay, so Doug looks back at the three of them, who are thankfully silent, although Pinkie Pie is fit to spazz out, and I hate you almost as much as you hate me.

~No, not even close.~

Discord waves his hand behind him saying,“That is an interesting topic of conversation, Doug. We shall discuss it over lunch.” He opens the hood of the freak of automotive and pulls out a rumbling picnic basket.

He rummages through the box, yanking wires out, punching the inside of it and shaking it until he grabs a knife and plunges it into its wicker heart.

~You’re just screwing with me now aren’t you? Now that you know that I can’t really see what’s going on?~

Maybe yes, maybe no.

~Out with it!~

I’m getting tired of your bossy attitude. Okay, so after waylaying the picnic basket into submission, Discord giddily skips around the impossible automobile two times. He stops beside the backdoor and yanks it open. He grabs a few items at a time and piles them on the unconscious food container.

~Wait is that a chainsaw?~

Didn’t you just think-say-or-whatever-the-hell-you’re-doing that you can’t see what I see?

~No, I... What am I doing to communicate with you? We really need to get this out of the way.~

Right! Let’s just say you are....theaking.

~That’s retarded... but you’re going to stick with it aren’t you?~ Crazy voice theaks, more than a little annoyed.

“Soup’s on!”

*VROUM!*

Oh crap, he’s using the chainsaw!

~Whoopie! I hope he kills you all!~

“Well?” Discord gestures toward the remains of the picnic basket he just viciously slaughtered.

That poor picnic basket! Discord! You animal! It’s all that I can do to not burst out into sobs.

~You are going to have a slice of basket, aren’t you?~

That kind of goes without saying. Taking a tentative bite, I would say that it tastes like... woodshavings. This is just a picnic basket. Wow, I would never have expected this. I... I just don’t know anymore.

~And you’re still eating it, you know.~

Meh, it has a nice texture to it.

~I hope you get splinters.~

Doug eyes his slice of basket with distrust, an edge piece, no less! God, he is such a lucky bastard! “Oh, how interesting. I brought some snacks as well. Do you mind?” He meeky points at his white car.

“Oh not at all, Doug!” Discord exclaims like a bridal shower hostess.“Hopefully what you’ve brought is more interesting than this common fare.”

I wonder if Australian food is poisonous.

~Drop the whole Australia is plotting to kill you charade. I know you are just faking it.~

Fine! You caught me. I know that it’s just a place near the real threat to modern society, New Zealand.

~No I mea- fuck it, I give up.~

Doug comes back with an assortment of goodies after what seems like hours.“Well, here we go. Hopefully it meets with your approval.” He somehow convinces the others to sit with him. Wow these Equestrians are quite trusting of him. Then again, I suppose they would be trusting of whoever found them. One could only imagine what would happen if some psycho found them instead.

~Such a shame that they didn’t find you I know, now get on with the describing~

Doug distributes the goods among us, giving me a glorious can of Coke. What a guy! I can already taste it- why the hell did Doug give me a Coke? I HAVE NO THUMBS! Is he toying with my emotions!? You know what? I don’t need no stinking thumbs!

~You go dawg!~

Oh my god I chipped a tooth!

“The green stuff is the healthy bit, isn’t it?” Discord comments as he fiddles with the veggies that were once a part of his sandwich. He looks into my eyes, staring deep in my very soul.

~I wonder if he can see me waving... Hi Discord!~

“Do you remember that pizza I gave you?” he says to me. ”Sawdust. Every last bit of it.”

What, is he quoting Zim now too? I feel a lump form in my throat. That’s funny, I don’t feel nervous. At least no more than usual. Actually, it’s kinda getting hard to breath now. I’m choking, yup, definitely choking

I heave. I hurk. I give a hard sputtering cough and disgorge something. Can’t really see anything through my tears.

~Oh my the suspense is killing me, do go on about your suffering!~ Crazy theaked gleefully ~And then you ruined it.~

Hot damn, its a wooden figurine of Chuck Norris! I lick my lips. Wait, correction, these aren’t technically lips are they? They are? Whatever, I lick my mouth to check for splinters to find a distinct taste of.

“Oooh Cinnamon!” I say in a slightly girlish tone. “I didn’t taste cinnamon when it was coming in,” I gush at Discord.

Doug stares into space, hard in thought. Probably thinking of a way out of this. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve got a feeling that we won’t be around much longer.

~I can feel it as well, also you have completely mangled those phrases by the way.~

Whatever. Now Doug isn’t that bad of a guy, I think I would like to stay in touch with him, at least until Discord takes me with him in his inevitable fiery defeat.

~Oh and how do you suppose you can get him away from Discord and the others long enough to give him your contact info?~

Oh thats easy, I am going to go with the most cliche excuse imaginable! “I have to use the bathroom.” I stare at Doug, silently urging him to join me. “Doug, care to join me?”

Okay, not silently. But I am sure he gets what I am getting at. “I don’t have to go,” he firmly refused. Oh this sheep licker!

I put on my nervous scared face. “But...But this is Australia! What if something attacks me? Doesn’t anyone else have to go?” Come with me yah git!

Instead of Doug, Angel volunteers. Dang nab it. Doug looks back and forth between the two of us. “One moment,” he grunts and walks back to his car. He comes back with a small knife. “Just in case some big, scary animal attacks our friend,” he says handing it to the creepy little albino child. He turns back to me “He will protect you.”

“Great,” I murmur, accidentally letting my sarcasm peek out like an angry little toad. “I mean, great!”

The two of us made a queer pair. Me, a guy turned dingo, him, a rabbit turned mute white boy. Together we made our way into the wild unknown never to be heard from again! “I never got any help when I needed to go,” Discord remarks behind us as we made our merry-ish way.

~How chilling! Weren’t you suppose to separate Doug from the others? Unless you actually need someone to hold your hand, no wait, paw while you use the little dingos room?~

I’m not peeing like a dog, nah I’ll think of something. Write him a note?

~No thumbs dummkopf.~

I can paw the words in the dirt? Get Angel to write them? I look to Angel, who is eyeing me with suspicion. I try to whistle a little tune. “So... how’s it going?”

He glares at me. I’m going to assume that he is chipper as always.

~You read people so well, you must be Oprah.~

“So I’m just wondering, are you just pretending you can’t talk so that when you do, it will just astound everyone?”

He stops and turns at me, his hand at his hip like some kind of midget black diva, grimacing at me as if to say, ”You did not just go there.”

“Well, there isn’t anything to keep you from talking, you know. Have you even tried yet?”

He crosses his arms as his left eyebrow rises like a furry little ghost on a cheezy movie set.

~It’s cheesy damn it! Not cheezy!~

“I’m talking, and I’m a dingo! You just can’t explain that.”

He turns around and picks up the pace to wherever we’re going. Wait, where are we going? Oh yeah, bathroom.

We come to a shaded park patio area when I finally get blasted by the inspiration fairy.

~I hope he punted you in the nuts.~

“That guy was Discord, by the way”

He almost trips on the concrete flooring. He turns and gives me a look that could curdle cream.

“Bet ya wish you knew how to talk now. Anyway’s I bet you’re wondering why I didn’t say- oomph!”

With a quick, powerful leap, there is suddenly a crazed albino boy pinning me to the ground and holding an extremely sharp fishing knife to my throat.

~Oh goody! You dun fucked up.~

Shut it. I use my kung-fu powers to make Angel’s head explode. Despite my eye clenching, his head remains unsploded. I’ve been threatened with knives before, no biggie. Wait... Isn’t this guy from a gosh damn cartoon for children? I’m calling bullshit! SHOW NO FEAR. He is just bluffing.

In a quivering voice I exclaim,“Damn it Angel! There is a reason I didn’t tell any of you.”

Instead of removing the knife from me, he only stares harder.

“Ack! Fine, well heres the reason; that guy, WAS DISCORD! Spirit of chaos! Lord of Fudge! It would take ALL the Elements of Harmony to beat him! Laughter and kindness just wouldn’t cut it. Not even with a particularly psychotic bunny-child with a knife would help.”

He stares at me with those black circular coals. He just stares and stares and stares.

~Pleeeeease stab him Angel. Pleaaase!~

He lets me up.

~Damn!~

We stare at each other for a while. Me a bit wary, him a bit bloodthirsty and crazed. He looks back at the campsite. Then back at me.

“We’ll go back soon, I just need to leave Doug a message.” I think that was what he meant, right? Or does he want to just stab Discord anyway?

He busts into a jog that I can barely keep up with. Still not used to being a dingo! We eventually reach a meager square building. We stop just a dozen feet away from the building. Now, how am I going to write Doug a note?

Just as the crazed dog-thing catches on and begins to follow me, all of my muscles tense up. As if being in this body weren’t insulting enough. I had thought I had learned to control it, but now I can’t move at all. Has Discord discovered what the dog-thing and I were talking about?

I don’t have much time to think about it before a strange noise fills my small, pitifully inept ears. Even with my reduced ability to hear, I can still tell the obvious sound of a heartbeat is drawing near. It reminds me of the many times Fluttershy has picked me up and held me close, usually just after she has been frightened by something.

Accompanying the heartbeat is the soft sound of someone who obviously does not know how to eat soup without spilling it everywhere. Soon enough, a very tall human clothed in a bright, many-colored... robe... emerges from behind me. Great, I was right. Discord has come to deal with us personally. Whatever happens to me, he had better not have hurt Fluttershy in any way...

As he continues to shamble past, I notice that his face is shrouded in darkness. That doesn’t seem right. Discord loves to be in the spotlight, he would never obscure his face so completely. Whoever this is, it’s not the Spirit of Chaos. Additionally, the figure isn’t actually doing anything other than walking towards the bathroom. In his hands is a small parcel wrapped in a pink bow, similar to those that the filly Apple Bloom wears. He disappears into the bathroom for a few moments, then emerges again empty-handed.

I would glance towards the dog-thing if I could, but even my eyes are frozen. Unable to blink or to look away, I see the robed figure slowly move towards me and bends down until his shrouded face is inches from my own. A finger is brought up to where its lips might be as the figure mimics the motion that Doug had made just minutes earlier. It seemed to have the same meaning both here and in Equestria: be quiet.

Moments later, the figure disappears from sight. He probably knew teleportation magic much like Twilight Sparkle. I immediately felt my muscles relax and was able to move once more.

Angel spastically jerks about. What’s his problem? I shake my head and say,” Oi so I need you to write something.”

He looks at me like I am an idiot.

“Well do you want to tell him my message?”

He glares at me yet again. Gah, what is his problem?

“Fine just give me the knife and stuff.”

He plops it on the ground and takes a few steps back. I shall rise above this injustice!

~GRAB IT YOU BITCH! You see, it’s funny because I am calling you a girl.~

I gingerly pick it up with my mouth, carefully maneuvering it into prime writing position.

Hey D, jst N cAsE U r aliv go 2 fimfic . net find me and pm me. U nvr know. ~DRAEQUINE

Wow! I really outdid myself!

~That is an atrocity in the face of calligraphy.~

Angel stares at me, as if to say, ”Are you quite done?”

Yes. Yes I am. Actually, its amazing how much meaning you can convey with two beady black SOULLESS eyes.

“I wonder how they are holding out without us?”

“So what are you famous for, ‘Patty’?” Discord hisses. Oh, apparently not well. Then again I was expecting Penguinized Doug.

“Whoo yeah, that sure was a really great pee,” I exclaim, breaking the tension.

Discord leaps up, a sour expression on his face. He knows something is up and he is angry. The angriest I’ve seen him. No biggie. “Uh huh. So what are your real names?” He crosses his arms. I am legitimately terrified of him for the first time.

~Aren’t you always terrified?~

Shut it. Everyone stands up, even a little ant on picnic blanket gets up on its hind legs. I think I am going to call this ant Ted. I squashed Ted. Doug tenses up, the little knife Angel had now in his hands, about to make the worst, and most likely, last mistake of his life. GO FOR BROKE! YOLO!

“They’re trying to get you to move in with them!” Stupid stupid stupid stupid. “Yeah, this kid here says they have an extra room, D-dog,”

~Oh my god I hope someone is coming up behind you to strangle you.~

Discord stares at me for a second. A bead of sweat drips down his forehead, his eye jerking back and forth. “Euuughhhh,” he gives a disgusted moan. “Ugh. Uh... er...Our, uh... people! Yes, our people need us, Ashton. Let’s go.”

It worked... it actually worked! I turn back to Doug who was about 3 inches away from my face. He was going to strangle me, wasn’t he?

~Oh god I bet he was so close to just throttling you oh gosh.~

Hahaha I have foiled death yet again! “Well, it was nice meeting you...Maybe I’ll see you again some other time?” I laugh at my little joke. “As if...”

He puts a firm hand on my shoulder. “We’ll find a way to get them home,” You know what, I don’t really care if they make their way home... Does that make me a bad person?

~Yes. A thousand times yes. So horrible brah.~

“Hang in there,” he continues, unassuringly.

I sigh as I follow Discord into the bizarre contraption mobile thing. The door shuts behind me with a squeak. By now I don’t even car- OH MY GOD I AM IN THE DEATH PROOF CAR! Discord is snugly latched inside the caged off driver seat while I have nothing but a bucket to hang on to. AHHHHH!!!

“Ready?” He asks.

“THOSE TWO WERE FLUTTERSHY AND PINKIE PIE! AND ANGEL! THEY MADE ME NOT TELL YOU THEIR NAMES!” I exclaim quite loudly.

~Such a wimpy sell out.~

“Right-o then! He yanks down a pair of aviator goggle onto his face, and smashes the glass covering for a button labeled STOP. “Wait wha-”

Before he could finish, everything went timeywimey

Dropping In (DANGER ZONE)

Dropping by.
I suppose you want a date. TOO EFFIN BAD.

This is the life! The wind’s in my sail and my rig’s steady as a rock. Leaning into the railing I gaze into the horizon of setting sun, bathing in its fiery hue. My eyes drift down to the landscape beneath me, a barren concrete jungle full of jutting towers reaching for me, trying to drag me down into its gray muck. I spit a sizable glob unto the masses below. I’ve never felt freer than now.

I hear a faint rasping behind me. My first thought is a rip in the sail until the rasp turns a moan. Stowaways! My ire builds as I finger my cutlass. No one get’s a free ride from me! “Who goes there!?” I command, as it is my right to, for this is my ship, the I AM SIR ARCHIBALD ZANZIBAR AND I SHALL HAVE VENGEANCE! I do not regret having such a loud title emblazoned on my smuggling vessel.

“Daddy!” I hear a guttural cry coming from the central cabin of my ship. Gah! An anchor baby? On my ship?! I’ve heard stories about this! Stories of stories! I’d better nip this in the bud and just put him in a sack and use him for ballast. Okay maybe not, but if I find that brat drinking my rum, I am definitely throwing him overboard.

“Daddy!” That child is starting to become insufferable now. I quickly make my way, pushing aside my tasteful bead curtain to reveal a baby carriage. How had I not noticed it? I’m sure I checked, double-checked, and triple-checked this room at least 6 times before I set off on this journey...

“Daddy!” The child's cries reaching a crescendo, unheeded by quilt cocoon encasing it. I hesitantly reach my hand out to unwrap the baby. I stop to wonder why I am so anxious, it’s but a babe! I gently tug the quilt away from its face. I gag as drop the THING into the stroller.

That isn’t what a baby looks like. Too many mouths, not enough eyes. Oh gods, the teeth! THE TEETH!

“Momma? Where’s daddy?”

Is it talking to me? Does it think that I am it’s mommy? I... I am going to kill it. That is the only logical thing to do in this kind of situation. It’s more of a mercy killing yes. I grab the handles of carriage when a thought strikes me. If this creature thinks I’m it’s mommy... then who’s the father?

“Oh honey! I’m home!” I turn to the source of this new voice. I immediately regret this after laying eyes on the speaker. He was neck to toe in scarves and satchel of an assortment of gaudy colors. The look in his eyes unsteadies me, his wagging tongue unnerving, the solitary fang poking out of his lips twinkling like a steel spike in my heart.

“How was your day?” he asks in a sultry voice, taking a step closer. I take a step back, scanning the room for, god forbid, more stowaways.

The strange stranger licks his lips. Through pursed lips he says,” You know, I feel quite frisky today. Want to have some fun honey?”

“I’ll take a rain-check, love.” I blurt out anxiously. I inwardly cringe. Damn you, Fredrico Zanzibar, master-lover of seven sky-island and your book, How To Unintentionally Seduce Anyone You Meet Through The Wonders Of Self-hypnosis(TM)!

I take another step back, the beaded curtain cascading upon my shoulders as my foot hovers over the second step of the... Wait, this cabin doesn’t have ANY STAIRS!

“Oh, I love it when you play hard to get.” The man gushes giving me a small push, a love tap really, just enough to send me hurling off a precipice that isn’t supposed to be there, toward a landscape that is completely alien to what I knew and despised... it’s almost as if I’m...

Dreaming! I open my eyes and shake the horrific image from my mind. JESUS. Wait, why am I still falling?

*POW!*

Ouch! Ouch ouch ouch! Why is the ground so bony? When did the earth start moaning as well?

Oh.

I fell on someone.

~No you didn’t.~

I get off the poor collapsed sap. Oooooh, Legs are NOT supposed to bend that way. Oh wait, thats just a broken transformer toy that is being squashed by the dude I in turn squashed... Why did someone just leave that toy out?

Oh thank god he’s getting up. I would have had a tough time hiding the body. “Damn, what the hell hit me?”

“Beats me” I shrug as I exit stage left.

~you aren’t on a stage! Wait... are you?~

Wow, you really can’t see shit can you?

~It’s not like I have to stay here you know!~

Oh my god the voices in my head have gone tsundere! No!

Crazy Voices mocking laughter confirm that he/she/it is just trolling me?

Fine, no more detail for you then, I step over the dazed stranger and try to beat a hasty escape until he says,”Wait a minute, where in the hell are you going?"

“Beats me.” I repeat, smiling down at him. His eyes are rolling around in his head. Ouch. I wonder if he has a concussion.

“You did fall on top of me, didn’t you?” He says, rubbing his shoulder. I bet that’s exactly where I fell... I bet it’s all kinds of dislocated! Must resist urge to poke it!

Okay, so lets see my options;
1. Run.
2. Kick him in the shins, then run.
3. Kick him in the junk, then the shins, and finally run.
4. Seduce him.
5. Talk it out.

~You are going to try to do all of these aren’t you. As funny as it would be, I already know how this is going to go. Let me lay it down for you Ashy boy,

Oh my gosh he already caught up with me! *Punch to the face*

Oh my gosh, I kick like a girl! *Punch in the face*

Oh my gosh, I still kick like a girl! And he’s angry! *punch to the throat*

“Hey there big sexy?” *self inflicted stab wound because of embarrassment*

Your only real choice is numero cinco hombre~

“And what if I was?” I say, emulating my inner Macho Man Randy Savage.

"Then I'd like to know one thing. How the hell did you pull that off?"

Pull off what?

“What you should be asking is how did you let that happen! This is all your fault!” Shift the blame to him, then defend him from myself, thus befriending him.

~What?~

"What do you mean it's my fault? I only came out here because of a stupid IRC message."

Oh sure stranger, blame your woes on technology. “Why would an IRC message turn you into a landing zone? It would have taken a dickish genius to plot this kind of mishap.”

“OH I don't know, maybe you? You were the one to fall on top of me, remember?"

“Listen here, I don’t even know you Johnny boy-”

“Hey, you.” The unmistakable tone of someone that’s just itching to hit anyone greets my back.

Oh poop, more weird poop, I am really tired of this poopy poop poopnastyniss! Shit! Why does this keep happening to me? I turn around to see an angry brown-haired she-banshee clutching an old fashioned broom. “Say hello to my little friend.”

“No!” I snap my fingers and point at her. “I am sick of this happening every TIME...”

~Oh sure, explain to them that you currently have the spirit of chaos nipping at your heels as you journey through some timeywhimy bullshit. I’m sure padded cells are quite comfortable these days~

I cough and pinch the bridge of my nose,” This kind of thing happens way too often for my taste.” I smile and put out my hand for a handshake that hopefully involves hands. “My name is Ashton. I really don’t want to be hit by anything this time.”

"What do you mean happ- Wait... I'm not going to answer that. Cody, you do it." She rolls her eyes after she gives me a once over. She is wise beyond her years.

“What? Why me?” And he is whipped beyond his.

“Because,” she says as she helps him up. “He’s the definition of ‘your’ territory.”

“Ah,” These aren’t really a couple... yet, from the degree of awkwardness in which she touches him. “Oh,” Territory? Oh my god, I am dealing with someone who deals with strange crap. “Oooooh, I am at a Mcdonalds! Chicken nuggets, here I come!”

"Ow, thanks Sarah." He looks into my eyes "So, you must be the one that fell on top of me? You don't look that heavy, but since my friend won't ask, I'd like to make this very quick." He stares at what I am wearing, doing a double take. "How the hell did you fall on top of me and why are you wearing that pirate outfit?"

Oh sweet gooey chubblies, What am I wearing? Is this... is this steampunk? Sweet chobits this is actually brass! Real brass!

“Pfft, no kidding. That's why I said you’re dealing with him.”

I have noticed another remarkable event, Crazy Voice.

~That you are human again?~

No, that these goggles are the sh- wait what?!

“Oh! I’m human this time!” I giddily say, wiggling my fingers in front of my face

~Duuurrh, I’m ashton, please send me to the nearest sanitarium cause my brain runs on bacon.~

Funnily enough, I'm not getting smacked with a broom. They are staring at me until Sarah triumphantly shouts. “I knew it!” Then she does a little jig.

“What do you mean, human this time? Wait...” He says dumbfounded.

“Tutututut.” I put two of my fingers against his lips. “Before I explain ANYTHING, you are going to get me 40 chicken nuggets, and a large coke. Got me, Cody boy?”

*THWACK*

“Ouch!” That smarts! It's still better then last time at least.

"You don't go demanding food in my restaurant, unless... you start answering Cody's questions. Then, maybe I'll make that order for you and add two boxes of fries as a bonus."

“Fine!” I sigh and roll my eyes. “Can we at least start eating before I explain? I haven’t eaten anything except sawdust pizza and picnic basket.”

“Just feed him, Sarah.” Cody says.

Hahaha My plan to seem hopelessly inept is working!

~Seem hopelessly inept?~

Shut it. “Yer a saint Cody.”

“Fine,” Sarah grimaces, staring at a statue of grimace,”but if he doesn't give us answers then he'll have to pay for the entire order or else." She gestures at the broom and then squints at me.

I check my pockets to find a hard little satchel hooked to my belt. I gingerly tug it loose. It’s heavier than it looks... No way, I refuse to believe this. It’s... It's...

“It’s gold!” I blurt out, looking at my mentally ill gotten gains. I’m counting at least 13 doubloons! I see Cody’s eyes greedily slurp up the sight of my phat lewt, while Sarah coldly calculates my shiny shinies.

“Gold...” SHE’S A GOLD DIGGER CRAZY! She wants our preciouses! “McDonald’s doesn’t take gold, even if I really wanted to get my hands on some.”

I wiggle a small doubloon in front of Cody. “I’m sure Cody wouldn’t mind bartering gold for some delish chicken nuggets.”

“Nah, I’m not the manager here. Maybe we should take this inside.” He says like a little scaredy baby.

“Eh, whatever.” I do a flawless overhand toss of the gold over my shoulder as we walk in. “So, judging from your rather accepting attitude toward me, one of you has already found someone who... isn’t supposed to be here.”

“Er...um... That depends on what you mean by, isn’t supposed to be here.” He says, pussyfooting his way around the conversation.

“Uh... can I borrow that broom for a second?” I say to mistress Sarah, hoping for permission to punish her lackey

She answers me with a glare and a swift fwap in the face.

I hear an eerily familiar voice. The kind of voice that made my brain itch, because I just knew to expect that special itch, the itch that would make me, and the itch that would break me.

~Ooooh, look at you getting all noir on us.~

“What took you guys so long? Also, who’s the weird pirate guy?” I give a hard long look at the mysterious girl with the rainbow hair. Looking at her made my brain hurt something fierce.

“That’s her isn’t it?” I look at Sarah, the one who is obviously in charge.

"There are many answers Ashton, but you're not going to receive any unless you answer ours." Sarah dryly comments. I sit down in a booth and take a deep breath.

“I just don’t want to be the one who stumbles onto another set of fictional characters from a cartoon show for little kid who ‘inexplicably’ winds up on earth, I REALLY DON’T SARAH! I think it might be tearing me apart, so I am going to just say three little initials, and if they have ANYTHING to do with your situation, then I’ll talk... If not, then I’ll take my chances with the crazy express.” I look directly into her eyes. “Do the letters M.L.P. mean anything to yah deary?”

She bobs her head almost imperceptibly, this chick is COLD! Definitely needs some lighting up.

“Alright so she is a character from Monks Licking Puppies? Great! Which one?” Then I give my best impression of a troll face.

She slowly mimics my grin “Congratulations! You’ve guessed the...”

*Fwap*

“WRONG answer!”

~I like her.~

I don’t think I do.

~I hope you get slapped a few more times.~

The rainbow dame chews on her lower lip as her eyes dart around. “Um... Rebecca Lofton?”

~Oooh OOOOH! I know, it’s Rainbow D-~

Shhhh!! I don’t want to completely blank out on my suspicion that its Rainbow das- er... Damn it! I sigh. “No it isn’t.” I say to the counter. “Cody, please tell me her name or we won’t be getting anywhere soon.”

"Look, I know you seem like an okay kind of guy, but being demanded of an answer out of nowhere from someone I just barely met is the most stupidest thing I've ever heard." Oh... Ah.... yes... it’s all so clear now.

I facepalm so hard that my hand is somewhat embedded on my forehead. “That’s it alright,” I whisper to myself and I slowly slide my hand down beneath the counter and look cody in the eyes. “Alright, lets get to know each other then.” I bring both my hands back over the counter and gesture towards myself. “I am Ashton. The character I found turned my life into a quagmire of chaotic stupidity that has sent me though time and space. Yeah, real chaotic, I’m talking chaos chaos chaos here. Oh, and it is the name you’re thinking of... or in this case, were thinking of.” I smile.

Cody and the girl rub their heads and grimace while Sarah looks on at her brainstrained companions. Hmm, I wonder if there is just something wrong with her, or if my name theory is wrong.

“Miss Sarah, do you know which character I am talking about?” I ask the pensive woman.

She shrugs and nonchalantly states, “Chaos, I know a lot of character that can do some chaotic things, but honestly, I really have no idea who you're talking about."

Okay, so I think she thinks that there is more to this than just ponies.

~Or it could be that she completely doesn’t trust you.~

Or both.

I think a bit to myself until Sarah asks, “Also, what the hell is going on with them? It's almost like they both know something that is causing their horrible, painful headaches and I'd like to know what that is or you're not getting those delicious, crispy chicken nuggets."

Oooh I have been waiting for someone to ask that question. I give a grin to Sarah,” Actually, its what they don’t know is causing them horrible, painful headaches.” I continue,” you see this is a neat aspect of this whole Fictional-Characters-Winding-up-on-earth dealio.”

She cocks an eyebrow, “So, what you are saying is... there are fictional characters on Earth?”

Cody groggily rocks side to side nursing his aching head as I go on teaching this little lesson.” Well...” Wait, a sec, I could pretend I am a fictional character... No, we know how that works out. “It’s mostly limited to characters of the My Little Pony persuasion. Now anyways, the reason these two are clutching their noggins in agony is that they should know who I found, that it should be impossible for them to not know who I am talking about, but they won’t no matter how hard they!” I give a little chuckle. “Anything short of me saying the name of who I found will not enlighten them to whom it is.”

She stares at me intently before scratching her chin and saying, "Sounds good enough for me, the name is probably something dealing with chaos if I may guess, but if you don't want to tell us the name that's fine with me because I really don't want to get a massive headache like these two"

“Hmmm... well you would be having head pains too right now... except you're not. Unless you’re hanging on to the theory that I found someone that isn’t from My Little Pony or...” Oh my god! “You don’t watch the show!” I exclaim

She gives me a condescending look and remarks,” Exactly, I don’t watch the show. Why is that a big shocker to you?”

Why is that shocking anyway? Because she is handling this so well? Nah I would have been surprised at her if she was a fan of the show and handling it like a champ... “Well you are the first one I’ve met who wasn’t a fan of some sort. Kind of refreshing really.”

Cody murmurs from under his hands as he blearily looks up at me, trying to focus on me,” Wait, You’ve met others?”

I give a knowing smile,” Yeah, 3 so far, counting this time.” I frown as I remember the previous circumstances of this little adventure. “This have been the best scenario so far.” Codys groaning reminds me to give him a bit of advice. “Oh I think that the less you focus on trying to know who I found the less it will hurt.”

The mysterious extra-equestrian and Cody somewhat perk up. Cody sighs saying,” Gee, why didn’t you tell me that earlier?”

“Mostly to enjoy being on the other end of head trauma in these little encounters.” I say with a little inside joke smile. “So anyways, I might as well tell you which ones I met and know that they are chilling out on earth. Let’s see, well theres Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom somewhere in Texas, Pinkie and Fluttershy are together in Australia, and Celestia is somewhere in America I think. I couldn’t care less where the one I found is because as long as I don’t say his name he won’t come.” I do a little celebratory jig.

Cody groans with frustration,” Why couldn’t you have told me that earlier?”

I wave his annoyance away with my hand and look at Sarah,” So where are those nuggets?

Sarah heaves another exasperated sigh,” They’re coming, just hold on a moment. My other worker should be done any moment now”

I twiddle my thumbs in awkward silence as I wait for a box of chicken nuggets to manifest before me.

“Finally, I finished cleaning that damn toilet! I hope it stays clean this time.” Says a voice coming from the door which I can only guess is the entrance to the bathroom.

“Well what do you know, he finished. I guess you’re in luck Ashton.” She calmly states as a ninja walks out of door.

Please be a joke, please be a joke, please be a joke, please be a joke, pleeeease be a joke. “Hahaha, that is hilarious.” I laugh,” yeah, I’m a pirate and he’s a ninja, real funny. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

Sarah twists in her seat to see the funny ninja. “Tyler... why the hell are you wearing a ninja suit?”

My hand slowly crawls up my leather coat, making its way for its special little spot in the center of my face.

~Well, this is what you get for making assumptions.~

Cody and mystery girl follow suit.Little miss rainbow girl starts guffawing so hard they she actually fell onto the floor. Yeah this chick is definitely familiar.

My hand is firmly affixed to my face at this point.

The ninja, who I guess is Tyler replies to Sarah's remark with confusion. “What do you mean a ninja? I’m not wea- what the heck?!” He tugs at his black suit.

“This is what you get for making assumptions, Ashton.” Damn it Discord! All I wanted were some chicken damn nuggets!

Temporal Roundabout

I am starting to think that reality doesn’t really care all that much.

Well, of course not, in the sense that reality doesn’t think at all, being an abstract concept for everything that is, was, or ever will be. I suppose what I mean is that nothing really affects/affected/will affect reality. Try as we like, our petty little paradoxes, apparently impossible anomalies, and “devastating” weapons of mass destruction never will affect reality in any way. If anything does/had/will actually manage to affect reality, then it wouldn’t matter anyway, because it would have always had happened/happen/will happen. Whatever does/did/will affect reality isn’t a consequence of any kind of action, it just is/was/will be. What happens doesn’t happen because that’s how it works, or because we make it happen, or because it follows some sort of divine plan beyond understanding, nope. It simply happens because it happens.

What I am actually saying, is that I am starting to run out of things to put in this spot of the chapters, so I am just resorting to philosophical gibberish.

I’m not going to humor him this time. Nope, nuh-uh, not happening. I am not going to turn my head to see what Discord is wearing, no matter how ridiculous he may or may not look. Instead, I will, God-willing, give myself an aneurysm through sheer willpower.

~If that could happen, I would be blissfully dead right now.~ Crazy voice, somehow muttering under its breath, despite lacking a body, much less lungs. ~Oh, of course, rub it in.~

I think I will! Nyenner, nyenner, nyenner, I have a body and you don’t. Ha hah ha!

“Come on, spill it.” Well, the girl is definitely unfazed by him randomly appearing from thin air. “What’s your name?”

~Well she is probably used to it, being from a land of magical pretty pastel ponies.~

You never know, she might not be from Equestria. I mean, what are the chances of me finding another character?

~Well, I would say 0.000647%. However, given that you are with Discord, I’d bump that up about, oooh, 99.999353%~

But is it so unlikely! It is the last thing I would expect, which, being with Discord I have come to expect... yeah, she’s from Equestria.

“You know, I don’t think I’ll tell you,” Discord snorts. Gah, he is being so obnoxious! “Apparently names are a big deal here.”

“His name is Discord. He is probably the one responsible for you being here.” Oh my God I’m actually smiling because I’m happy for once! “Now what are you going to do about it?”

Wow, so this is what it’s like just before everything goes to Hell. Discord looks rather angry, but not as angry as the girl. A little distance before the ball drops sounds prudent, so I scootch my chair a few steps from the table.

“Discord!” Cody and the girl shout out.

“Who? What? Can anyone tell me how I got this ninja suit on?!”

I can’t help but notice that Sarah and I are the only sane people in this room.

~HahaHAHAHahaHahAhAHaHAHAHAHA!!!!!~

Discord lamely tries to play innocent,” Who? What? Can anyone tell me how I got into this peculiar getup?” I can’t help but laugh at his coy smile.

“Aren’t you the Spirit of Chaos?“

Really Cody? You ask that kind of question? Even though you are quite aware of who, and what he is? Are you trying to be subtle about knowing who he is? Actually, I’ve seen feral kittens be more subtle. I honestly have no idea what you are doing. Oh I forgot to actually say that didn’t I?

~Yes.~

I probably don’t have enough time to say it anyway.

“Well I’m certainly not the Spirit of Mod-”

*WHAM*

Now that’s what I call a tackle! She’s definitely one of the mane six.

“Hahahahahahaha!” That completely makes up for being turned into a dingo!

"What are you laughing about?" Wow, this chick can maintain a conversation, while throttling the Spirit of Chaos? I’m going to be completely honest with her.

“Because he has had that coming for a while now.” Right, I am going to find out her name. “So Cody, now that I’ve told you who he is, who is she?”

“Why should I tell you?” Why do they always give an attitude to such an innocent question?

“Why not? The others have told me already.” These brass buttons are REALLY cool. I can’t not never stop keep rubbing them!

~Wait, can’t not never stop? Can’t not never stop... Really?~

Dear Lord! This leather must be restricting my brain fluids!

~So how long do you think till the chick learns that she is no longer strangling Discord, but Tyler?~

I’m guessing from either 3 seconds to immediately if Cody follows my eye.

“What the he- Holy crap, Rainbow Dash, Stop choking Tyler!”

Oh, Rainbow Dash. What a crushing disappointment...

~She isn’t that bad of a character you know.~

She’s a bit too tomboyish for my taste.

~Don’t tell me you have a sexual attraction to any MLP characters.~

No I don’t!

~Uh huh, whatever.~

“Oh my gosh! Tyler! I am so, so, so sorry! Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh!” Rainbow Dash flips out at the most trivial things doesn't she? It's not like Tyler is people after all. Surprisingly, he is pulling off the king outfit quite well though.

“Hahahaha!” Discord laughing means this is about to get interesting.

“Well, hello Rainbow Dash, what do you think of this world? I must admit, it’s not all that fun, but it is certainly better than Equestria!”

“Sarah, I gotta tell Appledash about this!” Wait, what is Sarach reaching for? A gun? Who is Appledash?

~And what is that sound?~

Wait, what just happened? Why is everyone back in their seats? Why isn’t Discord being choked. OhmaigoshdonttellmeIimaginedit!

“Come on, spill it. What is your name?” Woah, Déjà vu. Didn’t she say that already?

“You know, I don’t think I will.” It’s the same snort. Exactly the same. “Apparently names are a big deal here.”

This is the part where I say,” His name is Discord. He is the one responsible for you being here.”

~That isn’t exactly what you had said.~

I have a hunch that it’s going to get the same result though.

“Discord!” They shout, again.

“Who? What? Can anyone tell me how I got this ninja suit on?!” Tyler exclaims, again.

”Who? What? Can anyone possibly tell me how I got into this peculiar getup?” Discord lamely denies, again.

“Aren’t you the Spirit of Chaos?”

“Well I’m certainly not the-”

“Spirit of Modesty.”

*WHAM*

Hah. I actually don’t mind going through this a couple more times if Discord keeps getting tackled like that.

“Hahahaha!”

“What are you laughing about?”

“Because he had it coming. So Cody, now that I have told you his name, won’t you tell me what Rainbow Dash’s name is?” Oops.

“Why should I tell you?” Oh, he distrusts me so much that he isn’t even listening to me! “Wait... How do you know she’s-”

~Quick! Distract him!~

“Oh gosh, Rainbow Dash is strangling Tyler!” Not my best distraction, but it’ll do.

“What the he- Holy crap, Rainbow Dash, Stop choking Tyler!”

“Oh my gosh! Tyler! I am so, so, so sorry! Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh!”

“Hahahaha! Well hello Rainbow Dash, what do you think of this world? I admit, it’s not all that fun, but it certainly is better than Equestria!”

“Sarah, I gotta tell Appledash about this!”

Oh, so she is going for her phone.

~There goes that damned sound!~

Right, so here goes the third round. I am sure Discord is getting such a kick out of this.

“Come on, spill it. What’s your name?”

You know what, I’m not going to let this affect me. I can totally outlast him!

~Oh, really?~

Okey dokey, 15 times so far. Doing just fine...

~Are you now?~

Numero 50 and all is well. I could do this in my sleep!

“Come on, spill it. What’s your name?”

“Come on, spill it. What’s your name?”

I could do this by myself actually.

“You know, I don’t think I’ll tell you. Apparently names are a big deal here.”

“You know, I don’t think I’ll tell you. Apparently names are a big deal here.”

“How are you saying what I’m saying while I’m saying it?”

“How are you saying what I’m saying while I’m saying it?”

“I am a complete idiot”

“Yes, Cody. You are.”

~Oooh, here comes my favorite part!~

“And then I bought the horse a hooker!”

“What?” Meh. I figured Cody wouldn’t get it.

“Whatever, that’s Discord, now call Appledash.”

~Not exactly the best run. Care to give it another try?~

No, I give up. Discord wins, I just want my freaking nuggets!

“Discord!”

*WHAM*

“Sarah, I need to call Appledash! Wait, how do you know about-”

~LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAAIIIN!~

Oh God, please don’t tell me you are going to start saying that now.

~I will. I most definitely will~

“Alright, you win. Now will you please stop it?”

“Stop what, Ashton?” I am so sick of that damn smirk!

“Stop making this happen over and over, or whatever you are doing!”

“Ah, well you see Ashton, what we have here is a running gag. It’s a humorous technique where I will do the same thing over and over again until it stops being funny, and then when it becomes funny once again.”

“No, I’m talking about Rainbow Dash saying, ”Come on, spill it. What’s your name?”

“Come on, spill it? What’s... your name? Wait, how did you do that?”

“To which you would reply, “You know, I don’t think I’ll tell you. Names are apparently a big thing here.’”

“Ah, It’s a time loop!” Oh gee, I didn’t know that. “I’ve been waiting for this to happen. Strange, I don’t seem to be aware of it...”

“Right, well I am, and it’s starting to get pretty dull watching you get tackled by Rainbow Dash.”

“Oooh, Rainbow Dash!” That was pretty stupid of me to tell him wasn’t it?

“How did you know my name!?” Gah! Dash can be really loud when she’s angry!

“Mulligan!” It doesn’t hurt to try again. “Cody, you should call Appledash because this guy is Discord.”

“Wait, how did you know about Appl- Oh my God, Discord! Sarah, I need to tell Appledash about this.”

~Let’s do the time warp again!~

“Ah, It’s a time loop! I’ve been waiting for this to happen. Strange, I don’t seem to be aware of it...”

“Right, well I am. I’ve had enough of you messing with these guys. Can you please stop it?” I’m probably going nowhere asking for help like this, but what the Hell.

“I remember my last time loop. It spanned for an entire month. You see, I had turned the moon into cheese. Apparently, month old moon cheese is irresistible to space lions.” That does sounds like an interesting story.

~Actually, it sounds devastating to the coastal environment of Equestria.~

“Right, so how can that result in a time loop?”

“Um... Hello? What is your name? Why are you dressed like a king?!”

“Oh my God, Twilight is waiting for you outside!”

“Twilight!”

“Wait! Ra-er... Rebecca!” That’ll take care of those two for 4 minutes and 12 seconds, I don’t have to worry about Discord following them because he is absorbed in his nostalgia, Sarah will just coldly observe the conversation, and like the others, I don’t really care what Tyler does.

“It would have caused a paradox since the moon in question was also involved in my first attempt at daylight savings time.”

“Wait, what? How would daylight savings time cause a paradox?”

“I set the moon to revolve backwards through time on the dullest day of the year, duh!”

...

“I am going to need to listen that again...”

“I said, I set the - Where are you going?”

I have just enough time to be within Cody’s hearing range. “Hey Cody! This is Discord, you need to tell Appledash about this!”

You know you’ve been in a repeating time loop way too long when you’ve learned to lip-read from 80 feet.

Oh my God, Discord! Wait, how does he know about Appledash? I should tell Appledash about this, shouldn’t I?

Cody, I don’t see Twilight anywhere!

Okay, not so much as lip reading, but memorization. I don’t think I could learn to do anything in this time loop, except maybe flip burgers.

~Let’s do the time warp again!~

“Now, how would you create a paradox with daylight savings?”

“I set the moon to revolve backwards through time on the dullest day of the year, duh!”

“I set the moon to revolve backwards through time on the dullest day of the year, duh!”

“Oh! So you understand my idea then?”

“Not in the slightest, just wanted to make sure I heard you correctly.”

“Hmmph. Well, I suppose you want to know how to stop the time loop. All you have to do is find out what might be causing the paradox-”

“Right! Sarahs phone!” And here they come, just on time.

“I couldn’t find Twilight anywhere! I can’t believe you lied to me!”

“If it makes you feel any better, this is Discord.”

“Discord!”

*WHAM*

“You should probably contact AppleDash.”

“I should contact Appledash! Wait, how do you know Apple-

~Let’s do the time warp again!~

“Hello, Sarah? Mind if I borrow your phone?”

“No.”

“Ah, right. Cody, this is Discord, and you should contact Appledash.”

“Discord!”

*WHAM*

~Let’s do the time warp again!~

“I really need to use the restroom!”

“Fine, just be quick about it.”

“I just cleaned the restroom!”

“No one cares, Tyler.”

“Come on, spill it. What’s your name.”

Now just walk by slowly annnnnd stealitstealitste-

“ARGGHHH!!!” Oh God, my arm isn’t supposed to bend that way! “Discord! Appledash! Pineapples!”

~Let’s do the time warp again!~

Right, lets try this again.

Now!

“ARGGHHH!!!”

~Let’s do the time warp again!~

Third time’s the charm.

Gently... Gently!

“ARRRGGGHH!!!” Gentle doesn’t work!

~Let’s do the time warp again!~

“ARRRGGHH!!!” Flat out punching her doesn’t work either.

~Let’s-

“Oh my God Sarah, look that way!”

“ARGGHHH!” Or punch me in the face. That works too.

do the-

“It is vital that I see your phone, a matter of life and death!”

“No it isn’t.” She is much too clever for her own good.

~No, it’s just that you just can’t even outwit a paper bag, much less the manager of a McDonalds.~

time warp again!~

“AH!!!!!”

“What the hell!?”

Hah! All I needed to do was assault her like a madman! So simple!

*Crunch!*

“Finally!”

“I am going to call the cops!”

“Go ahead! Jail’s better than doing the same thing over and over again! It’s finally over!”

~Or not.Let’s do the time warp again!~

!#@!@#$!@%!!@#$!

*Slap!*

“Ouch! What was that for, Ashton?”

“I just felt like doing that, Discord.”

“Discord!”

*WHAM*

~Let’s do the time warp again!~

“Hmmph. Well, I suppose you want to know how to stop the time loop. All you have to do is find out what might be causing the paradox, and figure out why it might cause a paradox.”

“The loop ends when Cody decides to contact this Appledash, or when Sara decides to call the cops.”

“The who?”

“The police?”

“Which is...”

“The royal guards.”

“Ah, well my guess is that you just aren’t trying hard enough. Perhaps you are doing it too... Early?” Oh, a riddle. Joy.

“I couldn’t find Twilight anywhere! I can’t believe you lied to-”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s Discord. Cody, call Appledash.”

“Discord!” Oh my God I am at my wit’s- Wait, what is this?

~Let’s do the time wa- IS THAT A-~

~You aren’t going to do this are you?~

Every man has his breaking point, and mine is hearing Rainbow Dash say, ”Come on, spill it. What’s your name?” for the 200th time.

“It’s rather sad how long it has taken me to realize how authentic this pirate costume is.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, I just found out that this satchel comes with a loaded flintlock.”

“Oh my God, don’t shoot me!”

*BANG!*

~JESUS! You just shot Cody!~

*BANG!*

~And you just shot him again.~

*BANG!*

~And again.~

*BANG!*

~And yet again...~

Alright, I’m done.

~Really?~

No.

*BANG!*

~Sigh.~

~Why shoot Cody?~

Because I can, and I’m not going to risk actually murdering someone.

~Then why didn’t you shoot Tyler, I doubt he counts as someone.~

I might have missed.

~Why not shoot yourself?~

Because I know I’d screw up and writhe in agony until the next loop starts, of course. If it even starts again. I could be the source of this, after all.

*BANG!*

~REALLY?~

Sorry, but it’s much quicker than going through this. “Discord.”

“Discord!”

*WHAM*

“Appledash.”

“I should tell Appledash. Wait, how do you know about Appl-”

*BANG!*

~Ah, I see your point.~

~Shouldn’t you be focusing on how stop the time loop?~

Oh I already found out how to.

~And that is?~

Just take Discord and get the hell out of dodge. I have a hunch I am in the past, and Cody isn’t supposed to tell Appledash about Discord, or be dead.

“Come on, spill it-”

*BANG!*

“My leg!”

Whoops, I missed!

~Or maimed, apparently.~

Right, let’s do this then.

“Okay, we’ll be going then.”

“And what on Earth makes you think I’ll be going?”

“Ah, right, you need to be tricked into leaving.”

*BANG!*

~Oh, that might be a tad difficult.~

Nah, this time loop proves that he isn’t completely unpredictable.

“Alright Discord-”

“Discord!”

*WHAM*

Whoops.

*BANG!*

~It does, however, prove your remarkable aptitude for failing.~

Right, Discord is like a cat, he will chase anything that moves. All I need to do is... “Wing it!”

“Wait up, Ashton!” Working so far.

“Cody, we need to go after those guys! He hasn’t even told me his name!”

Oh right, Rainbow Dash. “Hey Cody, I need to show you something.”

“Uh... what do you want to show me?”

*BANG!*

~At first it was horrifying, but now it’s hilarious.~

Right, let’s just knock Discord out and... “Why is this room so blue?”

“What?”

“The room wasn’t this blue the last time...”

“Riiiiight, so anyways, come on, spill it. What’s your name.”

“Wait is that a gun?”

“Yes.” Why is this room blue? I could have sworn it was yellow before.

*BANG!*

~Maybe it’s your guilty conscience playing tricks on you.~

Now it’s red! What is going on?!

~Best kill Cody a few more times, just to be sure.~

Right.

*BANG!*

~I wasn’t serious!~

Okay, the color is back to normal. I guess it was some kind of glitch in the time loop?

~This isn’t The Matrix, you know.~

Why am I holding these cards?

“Are we playing Texas hold ‘em?” I’m not that familiar with poker, but I’m sure Texas hold ‘em is the one with two cards.

“Yes. You were the one who suggested it after all.”

“What did I say, Sarah?”

“You know... I can’t remember.”

“Okay then...”

“Well I’m all in.” That’s pretty risky Cody, the flop hasn’t even happened yet.

“No, you’re folding.” This time loop is starting to get weird.

*BANG!*

~As one liners go, that was pretty weak.~

Now what will be wrong with this one I wonder.

“Aww! He’s so adorable! What’s your name little guy?” Well, Rainbow Dash gushing at Discord for one. Too weird for my taste. Wait... Shooting Cody can wait this time.

“That little guy is Discord.”

“Discord?!”

*WHAM*

“Hahahahaha!”

“What are you laughing about?”

“Rainbow Dash just tackled a baby! Hahahahaha!”

*BANG!*

~I’m amazed you actually hit him while laughing so hard.~

“Oh my God, you are all hobbits!”

“What?”

“Next!”

*BANG!*

~Are you going to just keep doing this until you find a loop you like?~

“Everyone here is too fat.” Yes.

*BANG!*

~That’s probably wrong on so many levels, but who cares?~

Oh dear. A rule 63 loop.

~Rather tempting isn’t it.~

Uh huh, no.

*BANG!*

~Goodness me Ashton, weren’t you ever taught never to shoot a lady?~

Now Cody is wearing the pirate outfit, and sitting next to Discord?

~What a twist!~

“Don’t call AppleDash! Please!”

“Oh, let me guess. You are in a time loop, and you have been in it for at least 538 times right?”

“I.. Err... How did you know?” I suppose I’m not having the worst time with Discord, compared to this Cody.

“Oh, the two of you are in a time loop? Both of you? Now that is interesting!”

“For some reason every loop is different now.”

“Hahahahahahahaha!” That laughing can’t be good. “Looks like your loop is losing cohesion.”

“Right, so I’d better stop shooting Cody and just pick a loop then?”

“Wait what?”

“Oh right, I don’t have a gun. Umm... Er... Ah, I need to tell Appledash about Discord!”

“No!” Good luck with Discord, bad luck Cody.

~Right, so are we going to stick with the next one?~

“BLARRGHH!”

“Nope!” Way too many mouths and eyes!

*BANG!*

*BANG!*

*BANG!*

~A bit excessive. I’m sure they could have been charming versions, if you had ignored the teeth, claws, eyes, and fangs. Wait, that is a flintlock, right?~

Hm... This seems normal, for once. The walls aren’t green, everyone is neither shorter or taller, and I’m not a girl. I do feel rather sore, but I suppose this is as good as it gets.

“Come on, spill it. What’s your name?” God, I hope this is the last time I hear her say that.

Now I can’t outright deny her Discord’s name, that will just make her angry. They aren’t meant to know about Discord right now, but I have a feeling that they will find out later. “Hm... You’ll have to wait for his name, I think.”

“Why? He’s right there! It’s not like he can’t ta-” Oh, that is the first time I have seen Sarah do anything without me trying to steal her phone.

“Yeah, so this is all fine and shit, but how the hell did you appear in this restaurant?” Oh, she is much more angry this loop. “You know what, don’t answer that because I’m fed up with all these crazy explanations going around.” Ah, finally! Someone with common sense.

“Personally, I’d like to know how he appeared in the chair without us knowing. That takes some sweet skills.” No one cares, Tyler.

“Tyler, kindly shut the hell up before I dump your ninja ass in the toilet.” Exactly! I am starting to like this loop.

“Anyway, please enlighten us with your name.” Oh, nevermind.

“Why doesn’t anyone recognize me? I suppose you can call me Dis-” No, no, no, and no. I’ll be damned if he says his name this time. Distract him!

“Oh yeah, we’re supposed to know who she is.”

~You are just grasping at straws now. Just shoot Cody and try again.~

I would if I had a gun, but apparently in this loop I don’t have one.

“Her?” No, thats Sarah. Do I have to point it out for him?

~Probably.~

“No, the other one.”

And now he is pointing at Tyler. A blameless mistake.

~You’d think he’d realize something was familiar about Rainbow Dash.~

“No, that’s a boy. I’m talking about a girl.”

“It’s an honest mista- Ooooh.” Finally, realization dawns on him.

“So anyway, I’m Dis-” No!

“You aren’t saying your name this time, and neither am I.”

~Wow, you did that rather calmly.~

Can’t excite Rainbow Dash or Cody.

~Oh and you already told them your name you know.~

Oh I did? Right I did, didn’t I?

“And what makes you so sure?”

~Yes, what does make you so sure? I think you are starting to push your luck, grabbing Discord.~

“It’s bound to work eventually.”

“Eventually? This is the second time you’ve actually tried to prevent me from revealing myself.” 5,238th time actually. “You are doing this much sooner than I thought you would.”

Hah, finally out the front door! Now to have a little fun with him.

~Really? You are on the home stretch, do you really want to screw it up like-~

Shush, he is going to say,

“It’s a time loop, isn’t it?”

“It’s a time loop, isn’t it?”

~Oh, you’re going to play that game are you? This is a different loop, you know.~

Temporal shenanigans, Hard-mode.

~You are such an idiot.~

“Hah! I remember my last time loop. I-...”

“Hah! I remember my last time loop. I-...”

“Stop that.”

“Stop that.”

“Hah hah. Hilarious. Now stop th-...”

“Hah hah. Hilarious. Now stop th-...”

“Oh, a wise guy huh? Well, two can play at this game.”

“Oh, a wise guy huh? Well, two can play at this game.”

“Now I’m the one copying you!”

“Now I’m the one copying you!”

Hah, I’m too crazy for your mind games silly.

“...”

“...”

“I am a complete Mu-”

“You are a complete-”

Nuts!

~Combo breaker!~

“Ha! Got yah!.”

“Yeah, but I’ve gotten you what, 50 times at least?”

“Yeah right. You getting me to say I’m a complete Mule.”

“Hah!” That expression never gets old.

“But why wasn’t I aware of the time loop?”

“Beats me. I guess I was the one that started it?”

“Started it... Yes, I’m sure you started it.” He doesn’t look so sure. “Oooh! What’s that?”

“Oi! Wait up!” I swear, if it isn’t him sending me God knows where, it’s me chasing him into who knows where.

~Why chase him then?~

That’s actually a good question... shut up.

The Peak

I am a firm believer in the notion that, what goes up must come down.

I’m not accounting for fireworks, space satellites, Surface-to-Air missiles , delusions, prayers, the moon, or my anxiety, however. Some things are just made to stay up. That said, I am also a firm believer that the higher you are, the harder you’ll crash.

~Really, I can’t believe you are chasing him.~

Oh, you’re just now being surprised by this? I’ve chased Discord a total of four times now.

~Well, I didn’t have the self awareness to point out how stupid it was to follow him in that block party, the second time you weren’t chasing him, you were running from that crazy chick that was shooting at you, and the third time the choice was follow him, or remain a dingo for the rest of you life. This time, though? You don’t have an excuse.~

Well, my home is burned down, I have no one to go to, and even if I did, I am probably a million miles away from them. Sticking with Discord is my best option right now because sooner or later I have to get lucky. Discord does that after all, he makes the most unpredictable, unlikely, and impossible things happen, and the way things are going, the likelihood of me walking out of this situation well off is about to hit rock bottom, which means that it’s a certainty! Hahahahahahaha!

~No, you are in complete denial. The time loop you were in shows that he isn’t completely unpredictable and that he isn’t actually chaos incarnate. He is just a selfish, magical, madman. What he does is what he wants, he isn’t following some kind of sacred guideline, or doing this because there must be some kind of balance in the cosmos. He does what he does because he can.~

So what if he isn’t a god. That means I can just take advantage of him to get what I want.

~Gah, you’re just as selfish and conniving as he is, but nowhere near as smart. You are riding a rabid bull off of a cliff Ashton. Your only option now is to let the bull go before it gouges you on the way down.~

But this is a magic bull, Crazy! Who knows what could happen!

~Ah, I see that the sane reason isn’t going to work with you. Look at it this way, you are basically Discord’s entourage right?~

Yeah, I suppose you could see it like that.

~You know who else had an entourage? Trixie. Now, what does that make you, Ashton?~

No!

~Yes! It makes you Snips and Snail.~

No it doesn’t! Those two idiots were blindly devoted to Trixie! I can actually talk to Discord face to face, unlike everyone else who have so far been terrified of him! Except for the ones that didn’t know him, and those don’t count.

~Oh you call that fake context-sensitive small talk that you have with everyone you don’t want to talk to a genuine conversation? The only time I’ve known you to actually talk to him got you turned into a dingo!~

I probably deserved it for being a wise guy.

~You did deserve to be turned into a dingo, but not for that. Discord is going to drag you into a deep pit that you won’t get out of no matter how hard you try. Just leave him and get out of here!~

If something does happen then Discord will lose to the Elements of Harmony anyway. He is a villain after all.

~You poor deluded fool.~

You know, just to prove to you that I’m not some hopeless follower of Discord, I am going to have a sit down with him, and we are going to have a long chat.

~No you aren’t.~

You’re right, but I can at least stop him for a bit so I can have a freaking breather! How long have I been awake anyway?

~Well, taking the time loop in consideration, 25 days.~

I could definitely use a bed. Here I go.

~You’re going to choke.~

“Discord! Give me a second, will you?”

“Okay.” Hah!

~Wait for it.~

“Can we take a-” Damn, there he goes off again. “Discord!”

“I gave you a second, Ashton, although it’s beyond me what use you had for it.”

“For someone that is at least a thousand years old you’re rather immature.” Oh, I hope he didn’t hear that.

~I hope he did.~

“Immature? Moi?” Well, shit.

~He is going to turn you into a baby and send you to Antarctica! I just know it!~

“I just know what I like.” Phew!

~Damn it! You are bound to say the wrong thing sooner or later.~

“I also know what I dislike...” Oh crap, I did piss him off...

~Hahahaha!~

“Isn’t this place so boooring!?”

~Gah! I can’t take any more of this, I’ve got better things to do than wait for him to turn you into a blender.~

Yeah right, like you can do anything else.

...

Hello?

“I said, isn’t this place boring, Ashton.”

“Oh, uh...” Now that I think of it, this place looks so... plain. No graffiti, posters, litter, people, or parked cars. It’s the middle of the day! “It actually is!”

“Right, so-”

“What are you going to do then? Turn the road into soap? Flip the buildings upside down? Ooh, I know! Why don’t you turn all the street signs into lollipops?” What?! Did that actually come out of my mouth?

Crazy Voice? Are you there? It’s me, Ashton.

...

Wow, not a peep.

“Er... No?” I’ve managed to weird out Discord. That’s an accomplishment I can actually be proud of. “I’m justing going to go through this out-door.” That’s a weird thing to call the front door to what looks like a pawn shop.

“Discord? I think it’s closed.” Why did I even say that? He’s Discord! What’s a locked door to him?

Actually, that’s a good question. Too him it could be anything from an invitation to come inside to an impractical rickshaw.

“Yes Ashton, the door is closed. What a keen observation! Remind me to give you a gold star or something when we are outside.”

“No I meant that it isn’t opened.” Am I still talking? How can I still be talking? Did Crazy Voice take some of my brain when he left?

“Not yet Ashton, but it would have been if I hadn’t so carelessly lent you that second.” Why lend it to me if it was so valuable in the first place? Gah!

*Click*

“There it goes.” Funny, it suddenly doesn’t sound like the inside of an empty pawn shop anymore. “And here we go.” This isn’t what the inside of pawn shop looks like.

It’s what the outside of a pawnshop looks like.

“Wha.... What?” I don’t even...

Is this even real? Am I real? I need to eat a carrot. Yes, a carrot would do just fine right now, maybe with a bit of ranch. Oh and I need to visit the surgeon general of fudge to iron out that trade agreement between Fancy Town and Zanzibar Land.

“Well? Come on then, you are letting all the fresh air out!” Oooh, an out door. It’s just a door that leads outside while you are still outside.

It’s absolutely nothing to lose my shit about.

Wait, what? He could have done that the whole time? I’ve traveled through that trippy nothing place one time too many. We could have just walked through a door to arrive at whatever new ground zero he had decide to drag me too, and that would have made this whole mess a tiny bit bearable.

How would I phrase this question?

“Whatever happened to that weird place we would go to before we arrived where we weren’t when we were never going there before?” Okay, that was horrible. I’d better try again.

“I mean-”

“Oh, that. It’s still there if you look hard enough.”

What does he mean by that? All I can see are two sides of a mismatched door. Wait... that isn’t a seem! Is that Crazy Voice?

~Gah! Can’t I get any privacy?~

Apparently not. “Discord? Why didn’t-”

“Why not? Now come on Ashton, there’s fun to have, things to do, places to see!”

Yuck! Smells to smell as well. Where are we this- Oh.

New York City.

~Alright, I’m back. What’d I miss?~

I am incredibly curious about what you were doing.

~I can have a smoke break once in awhile you know.~

Fine. So, Discord and me are in the Big Apple.

~So I’ve heard, but how do you know it’s actually New York?~

Besides the smell? The Statue of Liberty is a rather large clue, I think.

~Think Discord is going to put his face on it?~

That, or make it do the truffle shuffle. He looks really excited. Maybe I should just go back out.

~The door is already closed. Having second thoughts already, are we?~

“Hahahahahaha!”

After hearing that laugh? More like fifth and sixth thoughts.

~Too late now.~

“Oooh, I feel like a colt in a candy store! I’m free Ashton, I’m finally free to do what I want!”

“So you have been doing whatever you want unwillingly up till now then?” Why am I saying these word things, and how can I stop them.

~Looks like you have a terminal case of the stupids if you ask me.~

“Oh, Ashton. What I mean is that I don’t have to worry any more! The Elements of Harmony are in another world, those pesky girls are separated, and the best part is, they can never get back to Equestria! I can do anything now! Anything.”

“Then why don’t you go back to Equestria and cause Chaos there?”

“Ashton! Are you suggesting that I leave these poor, stranded ponies on this utterly alien world, in bodies that they would have never imagined before coming here?” I guess even Discord has a line he won’t cross.

“Um... yes?” Ahhh! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

“What an excellent idea! I must say, you were certainly interesting company Ashton. Perhaps I’ll come by in a hundred years or so to pay you a visit. Auf wiedersehen!”

*Poof*

“You are still here.” And people are staring now.

“Ah, so I am.”

“So you are stuck here with the rest of them.”

Oh fudge balls, I’ve finally done it.

~Wow, he looks like he might actually kill you. I wish I could say it has been swell, but it hasn’t. Not even a little bit.~

“No. They are stuck here with me, and so are you, Ashton. Do try to remember that.”

Did I wet myself, Crazy? I’m too terrified to check.

~No, surprisingly.~

“You’re taking it well.”

“Oh, I may be mad about this Ashton, but you know what I do when I’m mad and can’t do anything about it?”

“Turn people into dingos?”

~You are getting snippy aren’t you?~

Well I’m certainly not Snails.

“No, but that’s a good guess. I simply think of my favorite things.”

*Du dede duuuu delelululluu*

~Where is that music coming from?~

When did he change into that suit? Oh right, chaos magic. I shouldn’t even ask, but come on, a nun’s habit? Really? Wait, what am I wearing? In what universe would a fez go with a kilt and a turtleneck sweatshirt? None, that’s how many.

Lollipops singing and potatoes with faces,

Refreshing pink glasses and non-euclidean vases,

Dull rocky boulders that look like bling,

These are a few of my favorite things!

No. He can’t be singing.

~Looks like he is.~

I refuse to believe that a character from MLP could sing this.

~Well he is the Spirit of Chaos~

This is a horrible poem set to the jazz version of a song from a musical that’s three decades older than me. This isn’t an MLP song. It doesn’t even sync with the tune!

~Well, there probably was a reason why the beginning to season two didn’t have a song.~

Gray colored ponies and sad hornless alicorns,

A life without order and wolves made of corn,

Silly old pegasi with taffy wings,

These are a few of my favorite things!

Everyone is just staring at him.

~They aren’t even doing anything.~

Hmmm...

Talking zucchinis with little white sashes,

Chocolate rain soaking all of the masses,

Playing with ponies and pulling their strings,

These are a few of my favorite things!

~You aren’t doing what I think you’re doing are you?~

That depends on what you are thinking I’m doing. If you are thinking that I am simply organizing the pockets of everyone in this crowd, then you are sadly mistaken.

~But they are hypnotized or something!~

I’m not one to look an unethical gift horse in the mouth Crazy.

When my plan fails,

When they fight back,

When I feel alone,

I simply remember my favorite things,

and then I don’t feel so mad!

~That’s quite a bit of money there isn’t it?~

I don’t think five hundred dollars would last long in New York.

All kinds of mischief and practical jokes,

Dancing green eggs with raspberry yokes,

Tangoing squid that love to sing,

These are a few of my favorite things!

Wow, these are some ugly kids. I’m going to put some extra money in this guy’s wallet.

~You are such a good samaritan.~

Dizzy ponies spinning like tops,

Prince Blueblood kissing a mop,

Making a bell out of chickens to hear it ring,

These are a few of my favorite things!

That one didn’t even have the right rhyme! Right, I guess that’s enough money.

~Ran out of pockets to check?~

Yes.

A town without rules, where up is down,

A mattress filled with pig feather down,

A blue hedgehog with gold spinning rings,

These are a few of my favorite things!

Looks like it’s almost over. What should I do?

~It would be hilarious if Discord had only paralyzed them, and they saw you rifle through their pockets like a street urchin.~

He wouldn’t do that. No wait, yes he would.

When my plan fails,

When they fight back,

When I feel alone,

I simply remember my favorite things,

and then I don’t feel so mad!

Oh thank god, he did hypnotise them. The only thing these people did was get a migraine.

~Shucks. I was looking forward to a lynch mob.~

People don’t do that nowadays. I think.

“So are we just going to pretend that that didn’t happen Discord?”

“Hmmm?”

“Right.” Now what am I going to do with all this cash?

~Get a room in a hotel? I’m sure you can find a cheap one for you and Discord.~

And have Discord watch me sleep? No thanks!

~How do you know that he won’t go to sleep first?~

He’s the Spirit of Chaos! He doesn’t sleep!

~How many times do we have to go over this. Just because he is the Spirit of Chaos doesn’t mean he isn’t human! You saw him curl up and fold when Apple Bloom bucked him in the gonads. Gods don’t get kicked in the nuts!~

Yes, but humans can’t do what he just did. They can’t turn people into dingos, walls into gum, or create flies the size of tables! Humans can’t use magic!

“I feel tingly! I think I’ll try going to Equestria again.”

*Poof*

“You’re still here Discord.”

“...” That can’t be good.

“Discord?” Is he so mad that he has forgotten how to talk?

*Thud*

~Ha! I told you he was human.~

What? Are you telling me that he has been awake all this time? No one can stay up that long! It’s impossible! He would be dead right now.

~Or completely bonkers. My guess is that the magic kept him awake~

I... I don’t know what to do.

~Did you ever know what to do?~

No. Wait... Does that newspaper say it’s the 21st?

~Amazing, you can read! Do another trick!~

It’s funny if you think about it. This is the day all this crazy shit is going to really start for me.

~That’s neat and all, but people are starting to walk on Discord.~

Guess I’d better hail a taxi.

End of Week One.

Help! It's a recap!

So I have been hearing complaints on my narrating style. Let it never be said that I don't listen to the readers. >:3

Dear anyone,

Now, how should I start this... How have you been?Hows the weather? I hope this note finds you well.Peaches and cream.

Oh wait, I know.

HELP ME OUT OF HERE!

Now that that’s out of the way, my name is Ashton Thomas. I don’t know who you are, but if you have found this letter, then there’s something special about you.

Or you are Discord, in which case,
not cool bro.
Let me out please.
Hahaha, very funny, now let me out.
Let me out Discord.
LET ME OUT!
This isn’t funny.
Please?
It’s dark here...

Once upon a time
Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped upside down and I’d no.

I would tell you where I am, but I don’t know.

I would tell you how long I have been here, but time doesn’t work here.

I would tell you why I’m here, but I don’t know why I was betrayed.

I would love to tell you these, but I can’t. What I can do, however, is tell you what happened.

Now that’s a good line!

Remember when the sky turned pink? If you don’t, then this letter has been sent to the wrong time. ~~Not that there is a right time for this letter.~~

That was the week before when my life changed forever. That was when I found Discord.

Now, I wouldn’t call myself a mentally stable individual, and ~~neither would the voice in my head~~ but what I am writing is completely true. You know those cartoons you might have watched as a child? Those completely fictional characters going through their episodic lives? They aren’t fictional. ~~Probably.~~

I found one of those characters that day, when the sky flashed pink. His name was Discord.

~~And he smelt like fudge.~~
~~Delicious fudge.~~

~~You would know him from a show called My Little Pony. He was a creature called a draconequus. That’s a pony that has two horns, the tail of a dragon, and why am I writing this? No one will believe that!~~

~~He was a character from this obscure hardcore anime. I’m talking completely underground here. I'm sure you never heard of it.~~

~~He was a character from Star Wars. You know, the alternative to Jar Jar Binks?~~

You don’t need to know what show he was from. He’s human now, but just as powerful as he was in the show, if not more. The worst part is, you won’t know it’s him unless he tells you his name.

Why? ~~No clue, that’s just how it goes, I guess.~~

Because he magics the brains of everyone around him. He is seriously bad news.

~~Well, not that bad, actually. The first week he was here, he just stared at a rubik's cube all day and wore silly costumes.~~

He set my ~~apartment~~ ~~house~~ ~~mansion~~ ~~orphanage~~ dwelling on fire!

~~Actually, the fluffy ponies were responsible for the fire.~~

~~I never liked living there anyway.~~

I shall never be able replace all ~~that junk~~ of my cherished family pictures because of him.

Now what could I have done to deserve knowing him? ~~A lot of things.~~

~~Pimping~~ ~~Loitering~~ ~~Stealing~~ ~~Pirating~~ ~~Bad mouthing~~ ~~Dropping out of school~~ ~~Hating social interaction~~ ~~Lying~~ ~~Bribing~~ ~~Cheating~~ ~~Blasphemy~~ ~~Being a jerk~~ ~~Shipping~~ ~~Being an asshole~~ ~~Murder (technically)~~ ~~Being stupid~~

Nothing. ~~I’m a saint!~~

When I first found Discord, ~~he was sleeping on a metal giraffe~~ ~~kicking a puppy~~ ~~making fun of a cactus~~ unconscious. I had thought he was ~~a hobo~~ ~~a figment of my imagination~~ injured. Being a good Samaritan, ~~I didn’t steal his awesome coat~~ ~~let him follow me home because I thought he was a hallucination.~~ brought him to my home, where he shared his story with me. ~~After I had convinced him I was a wizard.~~

~~I didn’t really pay attention to it because I thought that he wasn’t real~~ I was sworn into secrecy to never speak of what he told me. I’m not telling you for your own good.

Once he had decided to stay, it all went downhill from there. ~~He made my father think I was gay~~ My father was arrested, Discord got drunk on boozed up cupcakes, and I saw a statue get fondled.

The rest of the week ~~wasn’t so bad, he kinda kept to himself~~ was a nightmare I shall never speak of, which ended on such a horrible night that I can’t even remember. ~~I really can’t!~~

But that week doesn’t even compare to the day after it. I woke up with the worst headache. I was awakened by a ~~fluffy pony.~~ ~~swarm of fluffy ponies.~~ ~~talking velociraptor.~~ strange creature that Discord had created. It had so many mouths and eyes, you don’t even know.

~~The fluffy pony accidentally drowned in pot of spaghetti, which made it split into two stupid fluffy ponies. Then it kind of snowballed when one of them caught fire.~~ I valiantly fought the creature but each time I would hit it, it would split into two. I had to burn my home down, lest they got out and overwhelmed the world.

You’re welcome.

After ~~Discord pulled me out of the fire~~ I pulled Discord out of the fire ~~I didn’t say anything~~ he refused to talk to me about what those things were, or what had happened last night. Instead he made a break for it. ~~I didn’t have anything better to do so I tagged along~~ I felt that it was my duty to keep an eye on him, so I chased after him.

~~Then we almost got mugged by some chick, but we ran for our lives to a nearby abandoned warehouse restroom.~~
~~Then we got mugged by this dude, but we talked him out of it.~~
~~Then we mugged a granny.~~ Nope.

Discord sucker-punched me and dragged me to a bathroom where he...

Discord did some kind of magic and sent me to this weird empty place where I drifted about for a little while until I came to a mirror, through which I saw someone like me. His name was John, and he found three characters. ~~Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle.~~
Poor bastard.

Now, finding these three characters must have made him skittish, because rather than doing what any rational man would do and greet me, he brained me with a shower stand. ~~Then again, I did come out of the mirror.~~

I had feigned unconsciousness ~~so that they would have to carry me to a bed so that I could find the perfect time to strike.~~ so that I could find out what was going on without them being aware of me.

When I finally decided ~~to pass out~~ ~~that they weren’t going to eat me~~ that this wasn’t one of Discords tricks, I went to sleep. When I woke up my hands were ~~zip-tied~~ ~~chained~~ handcuffed together.

He and his friends had mistakenly thought I was Trixie, one of the fictional characters, ~~so I repeatedly told them I was a different character from the show and~~ no matter what I said, they kept assuming I was another character from the show.

Eventually, ~~they got tired of my lying and demanded the truth.~~ they stopped being idiots and I told them about Discord.

I tried to, at any rate. Apparently mentioning Discord’s name summons him or ~~some shit.~~ something. ~~It’s freaking ridiculous. Who pops out of a closet like that anyway?~~

Now, there was this chick named Sybil. She was the only person there who had ~~any balls~~ guts. Not that it did any good against Discord, the Spirit of Chaos. She tried to whack him with a ~~lamp.~~ pimp cane. Instead of shattering, the ~~lamp~~ pimp cane turned into a ~~squeaky toy~~ ~~baguette~~ toy poodle.

The rest were cowards. The three characters were just kids, and they weren’t as scared as John or Jane. (That’s the other girl that isn’t Sybil)

It was up to me to ~~win them over~~ selflessly distract Discord so that they could ~~ditch me like a sack of bagels~~ retreat and come up with a plan. I ~~guessed~~ knew that Discord could be incredibly single minded sometimes, so I began asking him ~~stupid~~ cunning questions which he would answer right after I said them. Eventually I asked him, ~~”How is a raven like a writer’s desk?”~~ such a fiendish question that if you were to hear it, it would make your brain explode.

You’re welcome. Again.

It was just me and Discord, ~~chilling out in the dorm room~~ mano a mano. Until he ~~magicked~~ ~~abracadabraed~~ magicked me!

~~Through a coke can this time!~~ That’s too stupid to write.

I appeared behind the group this time. Understandably, they were c~~ompletely terrified~~ a bit frightened. I tried to comfort them by telling them that Discord ~~was slowly regaining power and would probably plunge the world into chaos (I was a bit wrong about that, he was already full of power at the time. He was only adjusting to Earth)~~ wasn’t that powerful.

It was ~~not working at all, Sybil was almost catatonic~~ working too, until the the walls of one of the buildings turned into bubblegum. As they ran off, Discord, yet again, ~~magicked~~ ~~transportalized~~ magicked me somewhere else.

I appeared in a cafeteria with Discord. We played a game of ~~Go Fish~~ ~~Checkers~~ Chess

It was an incredibly tense and awkward moment for me until John’s group arrived. We must have surprised him, because he almost fell down the stairs, were it not for my intervention. A stairway leading up to a busy cafeteria? That’s just asking for trouble.

I tried yet again to convince John and his friends that Discord ~~wasn’t going to hurt them.~~ ~~was probably not going to-~~ ~~wouldn’t hurt them much~~ ~~was powerless~~ didn’t have enough power to do any more
~~minor~~ ~~mild~~ ~~horrifically impossible~~ serious damage.

Much to my chagrin, that was when the giant fly arrived. ~~Although I lost all hope~~ Nonetheless I ~~stubbornly~~ boldly kept reassuring them. When the fly turned into a flying monkey, I finally ~~gave up~~ conceded.

~~Discord Fus-Ro-Dahed John~~ ~~Discord magicked John down the-~~ ~~Discord pushed John~~ ~~I pushed John~~

John fell down the stairs to no fault on anyone's part but his own. ~~Actually it was probably mine for telling Discord that stupid riddle.~~

~~I doubt that he’s still alive.~~ ~~He’s probably in a coma now.~~ ~~He might be paralyzed now.~~ I’m sure he’s fine.

The highlight of this little encounter was ~~when me and~~ Discord was laughing at John’s tumble. One of the three characters~~, Applebloom~~ ~~Daisy~~ ~~Triangle Girl~~ could take no more. You don’t need to know her name, you only need to know that she went face to face with Discord ~~Face to groin really~~. She ~~kicked him in the nuts~~ has been the only one to hurt Discord so far.

After ~~I finally stopped laughing~~ I said my goodbyes to the characters ~~I dragged Discord to a taco van to make our escape~~ ~~Discord forced me to steal a taco van~~ Discord revealed that he was faking it, and he ~~magicked~~ ~~zapped~~ ~~magicked~~ there has to be a better word for what he did magicked me again for no reason. ~~Okay, I may have told him I was getting a hang of his crazy magic powers, which must have upset him.~~

~~That’s when I found out the voice in my head had gained sentience. It had become its own separate being, with its own feelings, hopes, desires, and a single minded hatred for me. Going through whatever that trippy place to reach wherever John was must have done something to my head.~~

~~I’m not crazy.~~

~~I don’t have voices in my head.~~

I don’t have a voice in my head.

Nothing happened between the time that Discord magicked me and the time that I arrived. Besides being turned into a dingo.

Discord had sent me to Australia, right in front of an oncoming car. ~~Luckily, it had only grazed me~~ It ran right over me, but don’t worry, I walked it off. I would have probably been stranded on the road waiting for Discord to appear, ~~which he totally would have~~ if he would at all, if the car that hit me hadn’t pulled over to see what they hit.

The driver was a man named Doug, and his passengers were three more ponies characters.

~~You know what? I’m calling bullshit on meeting someone else who has found a group supposedly fictional character, right after meeting (and accidentally breaking the arm of) someone else who found 3 other characters.~~

These characters were ~~Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Angel~~ important main characters in the show they were from. ~~I disliked Doug immensely because he found both of my favorite ponies~~ I didn’t know to trust Doug, so I ~~told him that he was a fictional character from game of thrones~~ tested him. ~~I told him I was a talking Dire Wolf.~~ Actually, it wasn’t much of a test. All he needed to do was just not flip out when a dingo started to talk to him.

~~It took him a couple of minutes to accept me~~. Being an Australian and in touch with nature and all that crap, he wasn’t least bit fazed by me talking. ~~After profuse begging~~ He offered me a ride in his car. ~~It was quite miserable riding in a car as a dingo.~~ It was a nice trip.

We stopped at some kind of camp. Fun fact, Australia isn’t all desert, it’s pretty green most of the time really. Me and Doug started talking while the ponies characters were unpacking. For some reason I asked him to give me the date and location of where we were at he inexplicably told me the date and location we were at. It was April the 17th!

If you have been following along ~~which is quite the accomplishment~~ then you would know that Discord and I left my burning home on the 21st. This lead me to the conclusion that ~~Australia has the weirdest time zones~~ I was back in time!

This startling realization was nothing compared to what happened next. ~~Doug led me to a pond! I hadn’t bathed after the fire and I felt so icky, that pond was a godsend!~~ Doug still didn’t know that I had found Discord.

~~Oh crap, I forgot to clarify that all the characters are from the same show!~~

All the characters found so far are from a certain show, and Doug was quite familiar with this show. All of those who have found a (or two, or three) character are fans of the show those characters are from. Now, Discord was a major villain in this show, ~~for about two episodes~~ and is well known to anyone that would call themselves ~~bronies~~ a fan of the show. Doug should have known right off the bat that I found Discord when he noticed I was a talking dingo. He wasn’t that dumb.

So, after ~~teasing him for not knowing about me finding Discord~~ a few tests, ~~we~~ I single handedly came to the conclusion that no one will find out a characters name without someone confirming it.

If Doug had not ~~warned me what would happen if I didn’t tell him about Discord~~ forced me to tell him Discord’s name (No matter how many times I ~~vaguely~~ specifically warned him) I’m sure everything would have been peachy. ~~Nah, it probably still would have ended horribly.~~

But alas, I said Discord’s name. Not that it matters any if you say his name or not, he’ll come if he wants to. ~~At least this time he had arrived with a certain style. Riding a plaid humvee through a forest while wearing a paper mache samurai armor? That’s just kicking normality in the nuts!~~

So, ~~after Discord had his fun tormenting me with Justin Bieber songs Doug coldly tried to throw me to the wolves, saying that he had~~ prior engagements~~. Hah! I easily convinced Discord to set up a picnic because... er... this isn’t painting me in a positive light, is it? This whole picnic bit is too ridiculous! 3.14 pie, edible picnic baskets, and me choking out a lifelike wooden figurine of Chuck Norris? To make matters worse, in the middle of this awkward picnic, time stopped, and some dude decided to eat a pretzel and take a picture of me. No, that’s stupid, no one would believe that!~~ being the noble do-gooder I am, I ~~told Discord that Doug and the characters wanted him to stay.~~ convinced Discord that it was boring there and that we should leave. ~~I didn’t actually think my plan would work.~~

So Discord and I set off again. (This time, however, I had the chance to leave my contact info ~~behind~~ near a public outhouse for Doug to find.) Now, I wasn’t expecting anything normal about riding in the impossible jeep with Discord, but I had been hoping that he would not have ~~magicked~~ ~~zapificadabraed~~ ~~fine, I give up~~ magicked me to the next destination again. Which he did.

I slept through the transitive area of the trip this time, which is definitely not a good idea. ~~Or it is a good idea if you want horribly lucid nightmares.~~ This little trip was very informative, teaching me that you shouldn’t be passed out before traveling with Discord, otherwise whatever dream you have in the transitive area will affect what you are wearing when you leave the transitive area, and that the place you will be sent doesn’t exactly have to be at ground level.

Fortunately, there was someone for me to land on. Unfortunately, he was someone who had found yet another character. His name was Cody, and he is quite possibly the ~~third~~ second dumbest person to have found a character. (The most dumb being ~~me~~ the one who sent Discord on a rampage.)

What he was doing outside of a McDonalds, I will never know. I’d like to think that it was a lucky break, but I doubt it was just a coincidence. ~~After getting my bearings~~ Right away, I helped him off the ground and made sure to check if he broke anything, because I am a kind hearted individual. Then, I was assailed by an associate of his named Sarah. Sarah was ~~okay I guess~~ not a nice person, and wouldn’t stop hitting me with a broom. She demanded that Cody talk to me because I “was his territory”. Bah, it was easy to put two and two together and know that he had found a character. I would have called shenanigans, but to who? Anyhow, I had agreed to tell them my story ~~(which I had no intention of actually doing)~~ in exchange for chicken nuggets. I had decided to not even think of saying Discord, hoping against hope that he wouldn’t pop up if I didn’t say his name. After showing Cody, Sarah, and the character he found the neat little phenomenon where, no matter how obvious it is, they will never know Discords name without someone to confirm it, and just when I was about to get the nuggets I desired, Tyler arrived, wearing a ninja suit. Gah, freaking Tyler!

That’s when he decided to pop up right beside me, starting the next phase of what has now become a running gag. That is also when the time loop began.

Remember “Groundhog Day”? The one with Bill Murray? It was like that, but it only lasted at most 15 minutes, because it would reset if Cody decided to contact someone named AppleDash, or if ~~Cody got shot in the face with a flintlock~~ Sarah decided to call the cops. I wasn’t stuck in it for long, ~~around 305,250 times I think~~ being a genius and all. I quickly realized that all I needed to do was get Discord out of there without saying his name. It was ~~nearly impossible~~ easy to lure him out of the McDonalds.

It wasn’t as bad as the last two encounters I had, but it was still pretty sucky. I never did get those nuggets...

After screwing with Discord by using the knowledge of what he usually did in the time loop Discord dragged me to some new destination after I told him about the time loop. This time he didn’t magicked me. He took a sort of ~~detour~~ ~~saner path~~ shortcut. (If you’d call turning the entrance to a pawnshop into one to New York City a shortcut.)

Yes, Discord took me to the Big Apple. Then he sang a song. ~~While he was singing, I was stealing money from the crowd forced to watch his crummy song.~~ When he finished singing, I inexplicably had a pocket full of money. He must have magicked it there. After that, he passed out face first on the sidewalk.

That’s how that week went. How was yours?XOXOXO,

Ashton Thomas

Note to self
~~Hopefully,~~ Sending these letters will free me. Since time doesn’t exist here, as soon as I send the right letter, I’ll be out of here!

I really ought to make a typewriter, or at least a pencil with an eraser.

~~Don’t think about being stuck in here forever and being unable to die~~ I’m going to get out of here ~~in no time~~ ~~lickity split~~ ~~never~~ eventually.

Then I’m going to put all this behind me.

New Day 1: The Spirit of Hangovers

Hello again, or not, if this is the only letter you’ve seen.

Now I don’t know how you found this letter, and I’m betting I don’t want to know. (Sorry if the way you received this note wasn’t exactly... natural, but that’s the way these things go, I’m afraid.)

Why did you get this letter? Well, hopefully it’s because you can actually do something to get me out of here. Don’t bother asking where ‘here’ is, because where I am doesn’t have a where, a when, or a what. It’s just a hole in nothing; a nowhere place that is unaffected by time and reality.

If you don’t understand this, just tear up this letter right now, because it isn’t for you, and if you do, then yay for me~!

If you can do something to help me out, then it shouldn’t be too difficult to find my previous letter. Not that you have to, since it was just a first attempt at this, really.

Here’s all you need to know; I found a man named Discord. He wasn’t always a man. Once he was a cartoon.

I think you might know that there are almost countless universes out there, and that it is indeed possible for a universe to almost perfectly mirror a work of fiction in ours. Well, Discord is someone from one of these universes. Specifically one filled with magical talking pastel colored ponies.

Discord was a villain there. Technically he isn’t evil, but he certainly isn’t good either. He went by “The Spirit of Chaos” and did nothing but cause disharmony. If you care to learn more about him, then just google “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”. Yes, he is a character in that show.

If you think this is just a joke, think back to how you got this letter. (Again, I’m sorry about how you may have gotten this letter, but it’s not like I can send these with any accuracy.)

He’s the reason I’m here, but it’s my fault for sticking with him after the second week.

I’m going to be straight with you, I’m not a nice man. I’m not bad, but I’m not good. I’m also a little funny in the head. (I have a voice in my head. It isn’t a part of me anymore, but that still counts as being crazy, right?) Now, why should you help me out of here?

Because I can fix this. I am all that stands between the world and a whole mess of chaos

Alright, I can’t fix this, but I’ll tell you who can help youfix it. I know, it is pretty dickish of me, but I won’t tell you who or where the heroes that can defeat Discord are. I won’t even give you names.

As I have said before, I’m not a complete bastard. You aren’t going to face Discord completely unarmed. I know for a fact that he isn’t completely invincible, it’s just that he can’t be hurt by anyone or anything in any way. Okay, that doesn’t make much sense, does it? Perhaps I should explain...

Where should I start? I already wrote about the first week in the last letter, so I think I’ll just pick up where I left off.

Right, so Discord did a faceplant on concrete. God of Chaos or not, he wasn’t waking up anytime soon, or so the voice in my head kept saying.

~Right! This is your last chance, Ashton, just ditch him!~

You know how crazy people have voices in their heads telling them to do stuff? Most of the time, those voices aren’t that different from the ones hearing them, and their usual dialogue consists of a steady stream of whispers that further erode their sanity. Crazy voice isn’t like that at all. Well, he was until I found Discord, but now he is his own separate person. A person that intensely hated every fiber of my being, but I liked to think that he had finally learned tolerate me.

Crazy Voice, I’m not leaving Discord like this. Yes, I know you shouldn’t talk to the voices in your head. Anyways. Who knows what he’ll do when he wakes up?

~Which is why you should get as much distance between you and him as possible.~

When has that stopped him? So far, Discord had proven to be able to do anything.

~Well, what are you going to do, Ashton?~

I don’t know! Something! The entire day (if you can call multiple trips back and forth through time a day) was the epitome of hectic, and I was just about to call it quits and drag Discord into an alley and sleep in a dumpster. Then I took an inventory, and realized I had around two thousand dollars.

I called out to a taxi. It’s driver stared at me like I was some kind of freak show. I don’t blame him for thinking so, because I was wearing a collection of clothes that don’t have the right to be mentioned in the same sentence together, much less worn together.

“Is da circus in town or sumting, kid?” The driver chuckled, flicking a cigarette out of his window. I’m not that good with placing accents, but I just know that he was screwing with me. I was tired of being screwed with.

I really want to do something horrible to this man.

~You don’t need to do anything, Ashton, you have money.~

It’s rather sad when the voice in your head is saner than you. I flashed the cash and pointed to Discord, who had been nudged off the street by pedestrians.

Money was money, so the taxi driver shrugged and let me drag Discord into the cab.

“So’s, where ya going, clowns?”, The driver must have thought he was so hilarious. He wouldn't stop chuckling the entire ride.

“I need to get to a hotel, please.”

“Hah! A polite clown”, the driver turned in his seat, “What kind o’ ‘otel kid?” The driver was much too gruff for a job like this, I think. He looked more like a lumberjack than a cabbie

“Something that will take cash and isn’t too shitty?”

“Hah! I know jus’ da place, clown.”

And so he did. New York wasn’t as claustrophobic as I thought it would be, with all those buildings looming over everyone. The cabby had taken me and Discord to this place called St. Mark’s hotel.

~Ready for the outrageous fare?~ Crazy Voice was ever the cynic.

Well, this is New York, the fare is supposed to be high. Whereas I am always a realist. In addition to taking in the view of New York, I had kept my eye on the meter. It was ridiculously high, but I wasn’t about to start anything with this man.

“On da house, clowns! Hah!” This was completely unexpected. I’m still not sure if Discord was responsible for this free ride or not. “Jus’ call for Sammy when you need a ride now, ya hear?”

“Uh... Okay?” I said, naturally taking this in stride with my usual suave demeanor.

Did that actually happen? We’re in New York, right? I had decided to stop trusting reality after eating a slice of picnic basket as a talking dingo.

~I’m not so sure now.~

Once more unto the breach, then. I’m still not sure that was the correct quote.

~Ugh.~ Crazy certainly thought it wasn’t.

The hotel certainly looked clean, but after what I had been through anything would have. The clerk had that disdainful look most people have when faced with undesirables, which Discord and I totally were, but that didn’t stop me from being offended.

“Yus? Do you want a room... sir?” I still wonder how he could have sound so snooty working in a cheap hotel like this.

Flashing cash didn't change his attitude, but it did give Discord and I a suite, and a wheelchair. Which didn’t make much sense, since there wasn’t a single elevator in the building. Three floors of dragging Discord up stairs. It was such fun.

Once I had gotten Discord in the room and on the bed, it had finally hit me.

This is Discord.

~Yes, yes it is, Ashton. A gold star for you!~ Which had brought my total up to two shiny stars.

You are Crazy Voice.

~Uh huh, finally going through a meltdown?~

I think so. You weren’t always like this, were you?

~No Ashton, I was only a hallucination until the dream.~

What dream? That’s Discord. Crazy Voice. Ponies. Oh my GOD!OH MY GOD!

I’m not proud of the freak out I had. I always thought that when I finally snapped I would have killed a few people. Nope, instead of murdering someone, I just sat down and thought it over.

“That’s Discord, currently passed out on the bed,” I had figured if I said this outloud, it would make sense.

“We are in New York. I have traveled through time. I have been a talking Dingo.” So far, saying it hadn’t brought any clarity.

“I have met Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Angel, Rainbow Dash, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. These are supposed to be fictional characters.”

I tried saying it one more time, just to be sure. “Discord is a fictional character. I brought Discord to my home a week and one day ago.”

~Thank you for the pointless recap, Ashton.~

“What did I do for the week he was there?” I didn’t even bother to talk to Crazy Voice using my head.

~Nothing.~

“I let the Spirit of Chaos spend a week in my apartment, unsupervised, while my Dad was locked up...” Just before my brain had decided to lock up and shut down, I finished my monologue with a weak, “Why?”

Right, so I suppose you’re wondering why I let Discord spend a week living with me. Why I didn’t check up with my father, who was arrested. (I still don’t even know what he was arrested for!)

The thing is, even with all this time (If you can call it that) on my hands to think about this, I still don’t know! I’m sure I wasn’t looking for excitement in my life; I was content being a loser. I know it wasn’t because he was my responsibility, because if he had been, I would have dropped him like a sack of potatoes. Did I let him live with me to stop him from plunging the world into chaos? After reading my last letter, what do you think? Exactly.

I didn’t peek into the room he was using during that week, I didn’t do anything for him during that week, and he didn’t do anything that week. Why!? Why didn’t he do anything until a week later?!

Only weirdos write about their sleep deprived dreams, so I’ll spare you the lucid details. I clearly remember what the first thing I noticed was when I woke up. I still had my clothes on. A week ago that would have been the norm, but I had gotten used to being in a different costume every time I blinked.

Am I still in a hotel? There wasn’t any harm in a quick reality check.

~Yes, Ashton, you are still in a hotel.~ Crazy Voice was the only one who would oblige me in these questions for some reason.

Human? The last thing I wanted was to be a talking dingo in New York. If I was lucky enough to be a dingo.

~If one were to squint hard enough, I’m sure you could pass for human~ A prime example of Crazy Voice wit.

Having completed my system check, I left the bed. To my surprise, Discord was still asleep. I was completely stumped on what to do next. Until I sighed, of course.

“Guh!” I gagged and quickly glanced back at Discord to see if he had awoken to my smell. Then I realized that he would have been woken up by it already if the smell could have roused him from his sleep.

I can still remember the stench. It was the accumulated scent of all the terror, excitement, and boredom of the previous week catching up with me. It was finally time to have an actual bath!

I can actually feel the stress dripping off. It was fantastic to have a bath after all the crazy stuff that had happened.

~That’s probably because the water’s just cold enough not to boil you alive.~ It may have been hotter than my usual baths, but how else was I supposed to sterilize myself?

The bath was merely a blissful respite before all the chaos had begun again.

“Oooooh...”

I’m not ashamed to write that I did as much as humanly possible to ignore the groan.

“Uggggh!” Alas, it was not enough.

“Alright, wait a sec, Discord. Let me get dressed.” Much to no one’s surprise, the clothes changed into a hawaiian t-shirt and green shorts.

At least it isn’t a kilt with a turtleneck. Now that I think about it, it’s strange that they changed, since, at the time, Discord was completely powerless. Probably just some leftover magic or something.

I hadn’t bothered to dry off, being curious as to what Discord wanted. “Well?”

“Hngggh?” Discord was draped onto the bed, his arm laid across his eyes. He wasn’t wearing the habit anymore, it had turned into a turtleneck with tweed jeans. I tugged his arm from his face, revealing his bloodshot eyes.

“Wakey wakey, Discord,” I said with the hint of a smile. He looked so confused, it was kinda funny.

“Oh dear... now, when did I make you?” He asked sleepy before squinting his eyes “And how do you know my name?”

“Haha, very funny, Discord. You didn’t make me. I’m Ashton.” I had said suspiciously.

Of course, I didn’t believe that Discord actually had a bout of amnesia. Anyone would have thought Discord was joking if they had spent more than three days with him.

“What’s an Ashton?” Normally, they’d be right, but this time? No.

“Don’t you remember?” I was starting to get a bit worried, but quickly realized that him getting amnesia was probably a good thing.

“Remember wh- arghh!” He clutched his head. “Oh, my head...”

“Wait... do you have a hangover?” You could say that Discord binged on chaos.

“What’s a hangover? Wait, I’m moving!” He gasped, giving me a small clue to how far back his memory loss went. “Good gracious, what am I?”

As much fun as it would have been to watch him inspect himself a second time, I quickly answered, “Human.”

“Oh, well, I can’t have that, then. Humans look much too strange.” He loudly snapped his fingers to no avail. He realized he was completely powerless. “Oh, dear.”

“Can’t change back into a draconequus, then?” I can’t remember what prompted me to say that. Oh, wait, yes I do.

~You should totally ask him some inane question to piss him off.~

D’okay! I was so stupid back then...

“Really, who are you, and how do you know me?” I was in for a long talk.

I didn’t need to tell you that, but this is probably the only way you can find out what happened. It felt good to write about this, anyway, so I think I’ll keep writing letters like this until I’m out of here.

Yours truly,
Ashton Thomas

New Day 1: A Talk

Guten tag, it’s me again,

Right, I don’t know when you are getting these letters, or if you are receiving them in the right order, so for your convenience; Discord has woken up with memory loss, and we are still in New York city.

This letter will be a transcript of our second first conversation.

“Well, who are you?” It had yet to dawn on me that Discord was acting different which, to be fair, was excusable being that so far Discord hadn’t had consistent attitude or mood for longer than five minutes.

“I just told you, my name is Ashton.” I wasn’t about to believe that he lost his memory, but until I figured out what game he was playing at I thought I would humor him.

“Oh come on, that can’t be a name.” When he had only chuckled, I began to think something was up.

So far Discord had only cackled, guffawed, stared, laughed and giggled. He had never given a calm, patient chuckle. For the first week he didn’t do anything calm, he was a being of pure ID compared to how he was the second week.

“Unless, of course, you have a love for fire, hmmm?” he said with a coy smile. (More of a light hearted snarl, thanks to his rather protruding snaggletooth.)

That statement had managed to utterly confuse and insult me at the same time. Discord had brazenly assumed I was some kind of firebug! The nerve of him!

No, that’s just the hindsight talking isn’t it? Just because of what he would do a week later didn’t make that a personal insult.

Just him being Discord made that personal insult.

“My name has nothing to do with my personality,” I told him slowly, because I still thought he was screwing with me but I didn’t want to call him out on it and risk getting zapped or something. I felt even that may have been a bit harsh so I added,” Just to let you know, most names here don’t mean anything.”

“...”

For the first time in his stay on Earth, Discord had quietly taken the time to really think about what I had just said.

“I’m afraid I don’t quite follow,” he had said with a blank look on his face.

And promptly gave up. Although he had quickly adjusted to being powerless and stuck in a human form (Or at least refraining from freaking out about it) in the span of ten seconds, he had a hard time comprehending the most mundane concepts about our world, as you are about to find out.

“Names...” I tried to say it even slower, “don’t... mean... any... thing... here.”

~If names don’t matter, then why doesn’t anyone recognize Discord until you say his name?~

That’s just magical shenanigans.

~Point taken, but haven’t you noticed how people grow to fit their names?~

Crazy Voice had an infuriating knack for refuting anything I said. Fortunately, no one could hear him but me.

“Usually,” I added. Then I realized something.

Names don’t influence people like they do in Equestria, I thought with a bit of pride.

~I’ll give you that.~

“Right...” Discord said as he rolled the concept around in his head a few times. “What you’re saying is, a human with a name like, I don’t know, Axey McChopChop, wouldn’t remotely be involved with wood or axes?”

“No one would have that name. Probably.”

It is a big world after all, I thought, remembering a few weirdos I’ve met.

~Not big enough.~

Continuing, I said, “Most of the time, people don’t have that kind of name. Usually people go by Mark, Sam, John, and what not.”

“That’s different,” Discord said to himself. “Very different.” He snapped his fingers again.

In the silence that followed, Discord awkwardly drummed his hands on his knees, snapped his fingers a few more times, and then sighed.

“There is one thing I want to know,” Discord said, restarting the conversation.

“Yes?”

“How did you know that I would assume what kind of human you were from your name?”

I have to hand it to Discord. He can really crank up the drama when he wants to. Just a few well timed pauses and the tension was thick enough to cut.

Of course I was oblivious to this, thanks to the past events numbing my ability to comprehend the danger of this situation. Which was good, since if this had happened a week ago, my pants would have been well soiled by now.

Then again, if I had pissed myself, Discord may have left me alone.

“Oh, and for that matter, I’ll ask this again, how do you know me?” Discord had asked in an interrogating tone.

~Oh please, please tell me you are going to do what you did last time.~

I don’t see why not, it worked last time.

“I am a powerful wizard!” I had said, doing the appropriate hand waving and eyebrow waggling that goes with such a dramatic reveal.

“A wizard.” Discord deadpanned.

“Well, yes. A wizard...” I gave a few more hand twirls before weakly adding, “of the highest caliber.”

I wasn’t that smart when I brought Discord home and told him that I was a wizard, but saying I was a wizard again? That’s just insane! Why did I do it again?!

For a moment Discord just stared at me. Then his lips began to quiver and his eyes started to tear up. “You, a wizard...” He dropped his head into his hands and began to sob, or so I thought until it was apparent that he was laughing. “HehehehahaHAHAHAHAHAHA! A wizard?!” He kept laughing and laughing until he rolled off the bed. “Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!” His laughing slowly turned to quiet wheezing.

When I thought he was done I said,” Well, I am a-”

He gave a deep gasp and burst into another fit of laughter, “A wizard! Hahahaha!” He eventually managed to pull himself back onto the bed and proceeded to stare at me again. While still laughing, mind you, which made it more unnerving than usual. “Hahaha hah... ha.” His laughter finally petered out and he frowned. “Prove it.”

~Hah, he is going to call your bluff.~

Actually it’s an outright lie, but I did this once already. Who’s to say it won’t work again?

~The voice in your head.~

Fair point, but I’ve already told Discord I’m a wizard, so I might as well try, I illogically thought as I walked to the light switch and flicked it. “Behold my power!” I said, trying to muster as much bravado as I could, and failing horribly.

“Amazing, I am truly in awe of your skills,” Discord sarcastically said before having a relief-filled laugh. “I must have talked in my sleep. You certainly don’t know me if you tried doing that!”

All according to plan, I had quickly thought, taking credit for accidently defusing the ticking chaos bomb that was Discord. Again.

~Yeah, sure.~

Discord continued with a snort. “Hmp, you’d have to catch me on a pretty off day for that to work.”

“It worked the first time,” I muttered.

“Haha, yes, you can stop playing around Ashton. Oooh, that is a strange name.” He tilted his head back and forth, as if to slosh my name around his head. “It somehow manages to be both interesting and boring at the same time.” Discord then decided to get off the bed and take a look around the room.

You would think that Discord, The Spirit of Chaos, Duke of Disharmony, the Earl of Anarchy, and the Prince of Chocolate Rain, would be positively giddy at the thought of being in a whole new world, untouched by his chaos. You’d think that, and you’d be wrong.

Looking back, I’m starting to realize that Discord wasn’t comfortable being on Earth without his powers.

He was terrified.

Discord spent several minutes doing nothing but staring out of the hotel window until, slowly but surely, his face spread into what I thought at the time was a grin. (It was a grimace actually. An honest mistake really, it’s so hard to discern facial expressions from the reflection off of a dirty hotel window.) He snapped his fingers a few more times before clenching and unclenching them for another minute or so.

Just when I thought he had forgotten me, he sighed and said, “Tell me the name of this place, Ashton.”

Hah, now I can refuse to answer a simple question! I thought in a moment of petty cruelty.

“I don’t need to tell you that,” I said, borrowing the tone of the snobby hotel clerk two floors beneath us.

“You don’t?” Discord asked, completely confused. “You really don’t, do you?” he said, mostly to himself, as he stroked his beard.

“It’s not like I’m you’re henchman, Discord,” I asserted, as I sat back onto the chair.

~You are his henchman, admit it.~

No I’m not, I denied wholeheartedly.

“Well, I had assumed you were,” he quietly said. “You aren’t panicking, screaming, or running. You know my name, and you somewhat know of what I do.”

~Now that I think of it, you’re very pale Ashton, and you have been quite weird all week. How sure are you that Discord isn’t controlling you?~

Crazy voice had been screwing with my mind with these passive aggressive comments nonstop ever since he gained a mind of his own, and it never works.

Oh my god! It makes so much sense!

Most of the time.

“I went through the whole panicking phase a week ago,” I nonchalantly said for some reason (Look, you can’t expect me to completely remember this week.)

Discord took notice of what I said. “A week?! I’ve been asleep for a week?” he exclaimed, “Hah! I thought I would have been asleep for a decade at least!” He smiled for the first time since waking up. “That is delightful news. It looks like I’ll be out of this horrible place in no time.”

This place does suck, doesn’t it? I thought to myself after a momentary reminiscence of history class.

~No arguments here.~ Crazy voice, for once agreeing with me.

For some reason, I had saw fit to correct Discord. “Actually you haven’t slept at all this week.”

Discord gave me a stern look. “Ashton.”

Discord spun around in a circle and gave the room an accusing glare, which he soon turned onto me. “No, I haven’t been awake for a week, Ashton, because if I had been awake for a week, then this place wouldn’t be so... so... boring!”

“Well, you were acting strange...” I muttered, trying to defend the only rational idea as to why Discord was acting like this.

“As if you’d know what I’m really like. Oh, why not tell me how strange

“Well, you acted like a kindergartener at a theme park. Or in your case, a foal at a fair.”

“That is strange for me...” Discord gave me another stern glare before saying, “You aren’t one of those weirdos are you?” He tsk tsked and continued. “I was sure the first time this happened would have been enough of an example,” He snapped his fingers, and when nothing had happened again, he cringed and shrugged. “No, there would have been more ambiance here if you were one of them.”

“Do you have a cult or something?” I asked, strangely excited at the chance find out about Equestria’s past.

“No comment,” he said in disgust, waving his hand as if to shoo the topic away.

“I would have thought you’d get a kick out of being worshipped,” I cheekily said.

“It is anything but. All those wackos want is to have fun at the expense of others.”

This coming from Discord, the one who had decided to turn all of Equestria’s roads into soap for a laugh.

“Right...” I whispered to myself, desperately trying to stop the conversation from wandering into the awkward silence where it belonged. “Well, this place is called Earth.”

“Earth. It’s not Humanland? Or Mantaria?” he asked in disbelief. “It’s just Earth?”

“Yes, just Earth.” Not knowing what to say next, I kept my mouth shut.

Discord gave a sigh before doing another futile snap. “So I’ve been here a week, and this little world is still this boring?” he said, with a distinct tone of disappointment. “I dread to think of what this place was before I came here.”

“Pretty much the same, and this isn’t a little world.”

That was when Crazy Voice gave a suggestion. ~This is going way too well, do something stupid.~

Nope! I’m not going to listen to you this time! I proudly declared.

“I beg to differ, Ashton,” Discord remarked with a smirk. “So you say that you actually convinced me that you were a wizard a week ago?”

“Yes, but I’ll admit you were kinda loopy,” I said, trying to play the modesty card.

“All is well I’m sure, nopony I know could have possibly seen me this week.”

I tried to mask my panicking with a coughing fit.

Who didn’t see Discord being a chaotic spazz?

Almost nopony.

“So after you told me that you were a wizard, what did you do next? I’m just dying to know.”

“Well, after I told you I was a wizard, I made you something to eat...” I nervously said, beginning to realize where this was heading.

“Now that, is a good idea, Ashton,” he said with a wide grin. “I am positively famished!”

And that is how I was duped into having lunch with the Spirit of Chaos.

Okay, I am going to stop the story here, mainly for suspense, and partly to remember the fine details of what happens next.

Still stuck here,
Ashton Thomas

New Day 1: A Chat

Konichiwa, here’s another letter,

When I last left off, Discord and I had decided to have lunch. If the last letter you’ve read had a talking mechanical bear in it, you’ve gotten one of my later letters. Try not to think about the temporal implications of this.

Unless it helps you find a way to get me out of here, which by all means tie your brain into knots.

I took a moment to seriously think about my next action. So far, I’ve had a pretty long streak of poor decisions, so I tried to consider my options. I can make a break for it and just run, I could jump out of the window, or I could try to beat Discord to death with a wire coat hanger. I’ll be the first to admit that my thought processes weren’t exactly coherent this week.

~You could just take him downstairs and grab a bite to eat,~ Crazy Voice stated, pointing out the only sensible solution, again.

“Alright then,” I said with a bit of forced cheeriness. “Let’s eat downstairs.” I opened the door for him, and spent a few awkward seconds waiting for Discord to cautiously inch out of the door.”

The word awkward can only be written so many times before it loses all meaning. Just assume that the rest of this day was painfully, terribly, incredibly awkward until Discord was about to decide that turning New York into a giant fish tank would be a marvelous idea.

“Oh, stairs.” Discord said, staring at the flight of somewhat patchy stairs as if it were some kind of novel inconvenience, which I suppose they are to someone who was so used to flying around and teleporting, or whatever Discord does.

He tightly gripped the bannisters as he slowly made his way down. I would have felt uneasy about the way he was acting completely out of character if I hadn’t heard the door click behind me, which had given me a small panic attack.

Ack! Okay, I have the keycard, and I have the money, I thought, checking my inventory. Did I miss anything?

~You didn’t steal any of those tiny soaps,~ Crazy Voice helpfully informed.

I’ll come back. Probably, I thought with an unhealthy amount of optimism.

It took much longer to get down the stairs following Discord than dragging him up. He paused at every creak and groan, methodically taking his time with each step. For once, I had decided not to say anything, because every five or so steps, he would turn and glare at me, as if to dare me to say something.

We arrived in the lobby, which was adjacent to the hotel’s meager cafeteria. It was rather crowded, but I had managed to find a table for Discord, who was starting to fidget. After that all I needed to do was follow my nose to the greasy buffet table and get some bacon.

Only one thought ran through my head as I weaved through the crowd of geriatrics, tourists, and hipsters. Bacon bacon bacon bacon!

Not the most relevant thought to add to this retelling, I know, but bacon is just that important to me. So for Discord’s first second first impression of Earth food, I was going to give him some bacon. While I was patting myself on the back for that adequate idea, I had forgotten where I left Discord!

“Um... Dis-” I immediately slapped myself. I couldn’t believe I was about to say his name in pubic, and risk meeting someone who found a pony. For that matter, I couldn’t believe that I was actually looking for Discord.

~Are you actually trying to find Discord?~ Neither could Crazy Voice.

You know what, you’re ri- Just as I was about to finally concede to Crazy Voice’s command, I found the table. Actually, my knee found it. Loudly.

“Oh, so that’s what humans eat,” Discord hollowly said.

“Don’t you dare snub your nose up at bacon!” I snapped. Spirit of Chaos or no, I was not going to let Discord disrespect bacon. “This isn’t the only thing we eat though,” I hastily added once I remembered that I was talking to Discord.

“Oh, meat is fine with me Ashton, but I did hope the canines were only for show,” he said as he tentatively grabbed a piece of bacon and held it up to his face. He snapped his fingers again, which had became annoying after the first dozen times he did it. He gave a dramatic sigh as he covered his face with his hands (Probably to hide his smile) and said, “I’m not sure I like it here.”

“Why? Because of the meat?” I asked, hoping I wouldn’t be the one to inform him that he ate meat at least once last week.

He rolls his eyes and threw the bit of bacon into his mouth. “It’s not the meat, Ashton, it’s what the meat means.”

“What does it mean?” I wondered aloud, excited to have a bit more insight into Discord’s thoughts on Earth.

“What it means is that this is a horrible place!” He declared as he leaned back into his chair and threw his arm over his eyes.

“You can’t be serious!” I blurted. “Just because meat is on the menu here doesn’t mean this place is horrible!”

He lifted his arm to look at me and said, “Usually it doesn’t, such as in the cases of primitive societies, but this?” he swept his arms around the room. “It is only all too apparent that you humans are cruel, vicious, and selfish creatures, and I am stuck here, all alone!” he cried out, laying his head on the table between his arms.

Poor Discord, I empathetically thought as he was peeking up at me from under his arms. He is completely right. I ought to tell him about meeting the other ponies.

~He is totally manipulating you.~ Crazy voice alerted, instantly seeing through Discord’s little plot.

What? No he isn’t! He’s completely distraught, like a little lost- Realization painfully dawned on me. He is mostly made up of carnivores, so if anything he should be happy here. Yes, Earth may be full of horrible selfish people, but that’s Discord’s kind of crowd! He has been in a stone prison for God knows how long, so he is the complete opposite of miserable right now. Seeing Discord slide a piece of bacon under his arms and into his mouth confirmed this suspicion.

Up until this point, Discord completely had me fooled. I’m still not sure how much of it was an act, or if some of his actions were completely genuine. I’m going to settle for him feeling slightly worried and cautious upon waking up, and slowly becoming bored.

But that’s only my opinion.

I took a breath to gather my nerve before finally having a stern word with Discord. “I’m not buying it.” I may not have said it with much conviction, but it gave Discord pause all the same.

Discord morosely sighed and said, “Oh you truly are an untrusting lot.” He then proceeded to sob.

“This is exactly the thing you do isn’t it? You continuously trick, hoodwink, betray, and manipulate everyone meet, all while remaining completely honest,” I said, unable to hide the admiration in my voice.

But why is he trying to manipulate me? I thought as he snapped his fingers again.

“I suppose you do know me,” he said nonchalantly as he reached for another piece of bacon. “Somewhat.”

“What I don’t get is why you are doing this to me,” I said, feeling a bit hurt as I grabbed a piece of bacon. “I let you spend a week in my home, I let you drag me here to New York, and this is how you treat me?”

“Oh, I’m not doing anything Ashton,” he said, grabbing another piece of bacon, much to my displeasure, before continuing. “You are just so befuddling. You shouldn’t have even thought of doing such a thing in a place like this. You see, omnivores don’t live in a city like this without being cold, ruthless, and cunning. It is quite obvious that you are none of these things. It just doesn’t make any sense!”

“What fun is there in making sense?” I said, quoting his line from the episode. He clenched his jaw and glared at me. I couldn’t help myself.

“Humans don’t have magic, they aren’t big or nasty, and from what I’ve seen so far, they aren’t that bright,” Discord mused to himself as he stroked his beard, still staring at me. “So how can you all live like this? Humans belong on the bottom of the food chain.”

Discord stroked his beard a few more times before giving a gasp and saying, “Oh, you’re slaves!” He squinted at me. “But who do you serve?”

“No, there is no...” I began to say before I realized this conversation was probably heading down a horrible path so I quickly changed the subject. “How did you know that humans don’t have magic?”

“The lack of horns would be a big clue back in Equestria, but this is a different place,” he said with an aloof tone. “So I can only assume from the cars, planes, television, lights, and phones that you humans have no magic whatsoever.”

That was when I realized that the real Discord was terrifyingly clever, observant, and worst of all, cocky. The week before was just Discord going through some kind of funk, but now he was some kind of puppet master, pulling my strings.

I slowly grabbed another piece of bacon, trying to stop my heart from beating out of my chest. I came up with various half baked plans. I should get the hell out of here. Just keep calm and carry on. Eat the bacon, then cheese it. Try to trick him. Try to kill him. Just give up. Then, I had a sudden epiphany. It doesn’t matter what I do, does it? He’s still going to completely manipulate me, since he has been doing this kind of thing for centuries. I’ll just do what I’ve been doing.

~Being a complete nut job? That’ll definitely work,~ Crazy Voice sarcastically commented.

“How did you know what those thing are?” I asked, trying to smother my rising panic with curiosity.

“That’s for me to know, and you to never find out,” he said coyly as he took another piece from the dwindling plate of bacon.

“So what else do you know?” Or think you know, I added silently, taking my own piece of bacon from the plate in the middle of the table.

“Not much else I’m afraid, except that I suspect that there is a television show, probably a cartoon, of Equestria here,” he politely said as he took a bite out of his bacon.

Needless to say I was moments away from flipping out. I fumbled my bacon and started to sputter out,” I- er... um.. I’m... okay.” He gave a huge grin as if to say, “Gotcha!”

“Have I struck you speechless Ashton?” he cheerfully asked. “I suppose I’ll carry your part of the conversation myself.”

He gave a baffled expression as he imitated my voice, “Oh gee Discord, however did you guess that there was a show detailing your fantastical exploits in Equestria?”

He shifted to a condescending tone and answered himself. “Well Ashton, you were much too familiar with me. Even after a week with me you are a bit too informed.” He gave a snobby sniff and said, “It wouldn’t be the first time this has happened.”

What does he mean by “the first time?” I thought, mystified at his cryptic referencing.

“Oh, do you mean this isn’t the first time you’ve been powerless in another world, which is true since this is the second time you’ve been powerless here, or are you saying that this is yet another world that knows about you being defeated by little talking ponies?”

It had taken four long, miserable seconds for me and Discord to register the words that came out of my mouth. As Discord began to grind a strip of bacon into tiny bits, I had a little chat with the other voice inside my head.

Did you just-

~Yes, I think I did,~ it stated in a delighted tone. ~Now to find out how I did it.~

Discord finished crumbling the bacon into a fine red dust and coldly remarked, “I just can’t wait to see this show.”

“So how does it feel to be the designated villain?” Crazy voice said through me, or so I had thought at the time.

Stop that! I demanded of Crazy Voice, as if I could persuade it in any way.

~I didn’t do that!~ it denied, ~At least, I think I didn’t~

Now I could directly explain what is happening with me, but that would ruin the consistency of this retelling wouldn’t it?

Not that it ever had any consistency to begin with.

Instead of giving me another withering look, Discord smiled. “You’re trying to give me an existential crisis aren’t you?”

“Well no, but I suppose you’ll tell me why.” I said, unsure if I was the one saying it or if it was Crazy Voice.

“Since you asked so politely, I will! It all started when Equestria was founded,” Discord said as he grabbed one of the last pieces of bacon from the plate.

“This isn’t a Hearth’s Warming tale is it?” I asked in a rare moment of disbelief. Even taking into account that Discord was the Spirit of Chaos, I was still surprised at the direction this conversation was heading.

“Oh, the show had a Hearth’s Warming Eve episode did it?” he asked, chewing the now congealed bacon strip. “Probably featured some kind of quaint moral lesson about friendship conquering hatred and grief, right?” He rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Leave it to ponies to cherry pick history.” He looked at me and asked, “Shall I tell you the real story behind Hearth’s Warming Eve?”

“Sure, why not?” I said.

Crazy Voice! Stop doing that! I scolded, knowing full well that I was the one who said that.

This is a good spot to stop. Actually it isn’t, I’m just tired of writing.

Actually I can’t get tired here, I just don’t feel like writing anymore.

Actually I could write this all in one letter, I just like making cliff hangers.

Yadda Yadda Yadda,
Ashton Thomas.

Holiday Bonus Chapter:Halloween

October 31

1692

The one thing that my colonial history teacher failed to truly inform me of was the stench. True, I knew that the only viable form of transportation were horses, which were quite prone to relieving themselves at a moments notice. I was indeed aware that plumbing had yet to progress beyond from simply throwing your ,quite literal, shit out the window. And yes, I was certain soap wasn’t to going to be widely used until the 1800s.

Nothing had prepared me for this. Three weeks of pig farming, day in and day out of dealing with swine muck; complete hogwash. Thirteen diving hours of dumpster diving; down the drain. Going to woodstock, sober; wasted. Our modern foulness does not hold a candle to the stench of Salem, Massachusetts, circa 1692.

I sighed, turning to the “witch” on my left. “This is getting real old Discord.”

Discord gave a dramatic gasp and said,” No! It’s almost as if I don’t want you following me.” His sarcasm accentuated by his green skin and warts.

“I’m serious here. I have nothing better to do then track you through time and space like some kind of cosmic karma beagle.” I growl through my teeth, trying to be as menacing as I can be, which is rather hard when you are dressed in drag for the umpteenth time.

~Stop doing that. You know it only makes you look constipated.~ Crazy Voice piped in with another one of his silent remarks. Even after all the grief he has caused me over the months, I still haven’t had the heart to get rid of him. Something must have been wrong with me.

I rolled my eyes and looked at the other “witch” to my right. He was still struggling against his bonds, and trying to scream through his gag as the firewood was piled around his wooden stake.

Oh right, I forgot to mention that Me, Discord, and this other guy are about to be burned at the stake for witchcraft, heresy, and insolence. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

What I hope was just a rotten tomato soared through the air and struck whats-his-face in the chest. It had been accompanied by what I could only assume was a hateful slur. We were surrounded by what appeared to be colonialists. They jeered and cheered around us in a completely unintelligible language. Although I’m not exactly a linguist, I am going to assume they were yelling at us in some form of Korean.

Or it could have been Spanish. I didn’t really care because I had more pressing issues on my mind. For instance, how was I going to convince Discord to come back with me to my old reality so that he could help the Equestrians finally find a way home. Oh, and for the life of me, I couldn’t ignore the brass zeppelins floating overhead. I had thought I would have gotten over this particular feature around that time, but no.

What is it about alternate realities that makes zeppelins so damn prevalent, I had thought to myself.

After finding Discord for the 22nd time, I had turned in a huff of frustration and finally said,”Alright, I’ll bite. What’s the deal with the blimps? Consistency isn’t your style.”

“Oh that?” He had said, staring at the sky. “Don’t look at me, it’s uh… Rogers? Gregs? No, Geralds fault that we’re here.” He didn’t sound that sure of himself, and neither was I.

But I wasn’t there to question him. I just needed to take him back with me.

Oh, and I suppose I would have taken that other guy back with me as well…

Probably.

My heart just wasn’t into it that time. It hasn’t been since bedlam. And for once, I could actually tell that Discord felt the same. The circumstances this time was so lackluster compared to the previous times I had tracked him down. It was a pointless trap, pure and simple. I had kept expecting something more. Like the colonists turning out to be aliens, or that this was really all a celebration and we were the guests of honor.

Nope, just brutal mob violence. It was kind of disappointing, but it did give me hope that Discord was finally getting tired of this.

Its been six months for crying out loud! He must be getting tired of this, I had thought for the second time since being tied up. Then I had just remembered something very. It was halloween back home. How could I have forgotten that?

Then again, why did I choose to remember it then, when I was about to be “burned alive”?

I’m getting off track again, sorry.

A plan was occurring to me as one of the colonists had brought forth a torch. It was a long shot, but I was running out of time. Well, not exactly, but if those logs underneath me had started to burn, things would have gotten too hectic to hold a proper conversation with Discord.

“Hey Discord,” I begun nonchalantly,” have you ever heard of Halloween?”

“A night where you humans dress up and threaten each other for candy?” He had replied, just as laid back. “Never heard of it.”

“Well, it’s Halloween on Earth right now.” I tried to keep the eagerness out of my voice as the torch was thrown onto the wood pile. “Feel like scaring the pants off of Celestia?”

Discord had gasped again. “Would I?! Race you there!” He had hollered as he vanished from thin air. I didn’t waste time to check if he had taken Ronald Gerald with him since he probably wouldn’t have left him to die like that. Probably.

I can’t believe I fell for that a second time. As for how I got back, I’ll once again spare you the details. I took the usual way this time...

Of course, he had lied. Then again, maybe he really had gone ahead and is scaring Celestia right now. Yeah right. Maybe I should check up on the Equestrians, just in case.

No, I’ll find out soon enough if he is here, but in the meantime it looks like I am spending this Halloween alone.

Not that I really mind of course.

-From the logs of Ashton Thomas.

New Day 1:The Free-est of Falls

Hello Reader!

If you have been reading these letters in the right order, Discord had just finished telling me his side of the making of Equestria. Whenever it actually happened or not, I’ll leave it to you to decide. Now, back to the part where I was falling off of the Empire State Building.

You know that feeling you get when you tilt your chair back a bit too far and get that nagging sense that you are teetering on some unseen abyss? This was nothing like that.

The fall had started with me giving a fascinated whistle at the view from New York’s famous landmark, the Empire State Building. Said whistle quickly became a dry whimper when I realized I was parallel to said famous landmark, and about one hundred and two floors higher than I would have liked.

I’m not too proud to deny that I screamed like a baby, curling into a ball as I anticipated the splat to come.

~Won’t be too long now~ Crazy Voice cheerfully notified me. ~You won’t even make it past the 88th floor~

I was much too terrified to acknowledge Crazy Voice with anything but more yelling. I was so busy screaming my head off, that I hadn’t noticed I wasn’t dead yet.

~Any second now...~ Crazy Voice doubtfully remarked.

I finally stopped screaming, calmly took a deep breath, and began screaming again.

I screamed my lungs out a few more times before noticing a distinct lack of pavement.

And wind. There wasn’t any wind either. Not even a stiff breeze to accompany my plummet, which turned out to not be a plummet at all. Just an incredibly slow descent. For once I was unimpressed. Disappointed even! When Discord and I found out that he had his powers back, I was expecting him to do something really bizarre, like turn New York into a giant snow globe. This was nothing compared to being a dingo. Of course I felt weird just hovering beside the Empire state building, but that was mostly the blood rushing to my head.

That was, until the pigeons showed up. They had come one by one like dirty little harbingers of grief and misery, cooing and flapping as they perched on my shoulders and back. The head pigeon, and I knew it was the boss of this group from where it was positioned, namely the top of my head, was wearing a little bowler cap which told me all I needed to know.

Damn it, Discord!

I’ll pass on writing anymore about what happened with the pigeons for now, maybe the next letter.

I cleared my throat before saying, “Alright, real funny Discord. Mind putting me...” I cringed when I realized what I was just about to say. I turned my head to see the ground again.

~Oh please, finish that sentence.~

“Put you where, Ashton?” I heard Discord’s voice from the building.

He’s the building isn’t he? I had thought to myself, terrified to look back at the landmark and see his face looming over me, larger than life. Looming over most of the city. The mental image mutated into something even more frightful. What will happen when the world becomes truly aware of him? What will happen to me?

~Ooooh! It gives me shivers just thinking about that!~ Crazy voice happily remarked at my panic.

“Hello? Anybody in there?” the Spirit of Chaos asked as he jabbed the back of my head with a stapler.

Buildings can’t use staplers! I deduced with relief.

Crazy voice had some sort of retort, but I was too busy awkwardly worming around into position to see Discord, who was hanging out one of the windows above me. What he was wearing would have floored me, had I not, you know, been several dozens of floors above the ground and all. He was looking down on me through a pair of brown, horn-rimmed glasses, and from what I could tell, was wearing a tacky, white-collar blue shirt. For once his outfit was completely in context with the setting. It was so bizarre in that it wasn’t bizarre at all.

I coughed into my fist, thinking of a way to phrase my next sentence in a way that wouldn’t result in me becoming a stain on the ground. Several seconds of frantic thinking later, I was thoroughly depressed. I couldn’t think of a single request that Discord couldn’t twist into a bad end for me.

Of course, thinking back on it now a week later, I could have said plenty of things.

“Hey Discord, mind letting me in?”

I could have been polite, of course.

“Can I please come in?”

or

“Let me into the building please?”

But what I should have said was,” Please, please, please do not kill me!” as I soiled myself.

I attribute my general absence of reaction to the lack of oxygen due to being several stories above the streets of New York.

Anyhow, I doubt that any of those would have really worked, since he would have still done this.

Discord looked past me and whistled. “You humans are quite the busy bodies aren’t you? Scurrying around in your cars, and doing your jobs... How boring.” He looked back at me, “Except for you, of course. You’re just floating there like a bum!” He sneered and continued. “While you’ve been lollygagging, I’ve been making new friends.”

I was just coherent enough to see where this conversation was heading. Discord was done with me. I was terrified, and strangely, I felt betrayed.

“I’d like you to meet Bob.” Discord yanked someone to the window. He was a gray faced man with brown hair, wearing the same shirt as Discord. “Susan.” He brought someone else to the window. It was a blonde, gray faced woman, also wearing a white shirt. “And Stephano.” He brought the final ‘friend’ to the window. “Wave at Ashton now everyone!” Discord cheerfully said to the three.

They listlessly waved at me while staring ahead of them.

Something seems odd about those three, I thought to myself.

~I’ll give you a hint. It rhymes with Discord screwed with their minds.~ The other voice in my head snarked.

What does that rhyme wi- Oh. Wait, that can’t be it, can it? They look like regular office workers to me. Although, there aren’t many differences between a Discorded pony and a cubicle jockey, is there? I thought further about it. Doesn’t Discord just alter personalities? He never turned any pony into a zombie did he?

~Do I even need to be here?~ complained Crazy Voice. ~Quit talking to yourself!~

“They are rather helpful, they tell me what I want to know, and they don’t talk back.” Discord glared at me. “Unlike you.” He gave a sniff and covered his eyes with one of his hands , “So this is where we part ways Ashton,” He gave a smile and removed his hand, “but feel free to hang around.”

I heard a loud pop and suddenly I was surrounded by thick white smoke. I noticed two other things as well. One, my hands were firmly clenched around something rough, and vaguely rope-like. Two, I was feeling that certain full-body tug commonly referred to as gravity start to pull me down. I would have begun screaming again, but my throat was so raw from yelling a few minutes ago that the best I could do was yelp.

I had drawn myself as close as I could around my lifeline, and resolved not to look up. I wanted to be blissfully unaware of what my rope was actually attached to. I was trying to think of how I could get out of this mess when a stiff breeze knocked me against the building. I gave another miserable yelp, and held even tighter.

In a moment of clarity I realized that all I could do was appeal to Discord’s better nature. Then I gave a shrill laugh and collided with the wall again.

I’m obviously in hysterics. Discord doesn’t have a better nature, he is a vain, selfish, chaotic thing, who is only concerned with himself, I thought bitterly to myself. I should know, after all I’ve been with him for a full week! I know him more than he knows me now, since he got amnesia for some reason.

It finally dawned on me. “Wait! Discord!” I struggled to shout. “They don’t know what you did last week!”

“I suppose they don’t,” Discord said above me. “But that doesn’t really matter, I’ll just see it for myself.” It had completely slipped my mind that Discord was quite capable of time travel.

I whimpered, assuming that he had officially decided to leave me to die. I had felt another gust of wind blow onto me, pushing me farther from the building and closer to the intense air currents swirling around the skyscraper. My head started throbbing and everything came into focus. As the wind roared around me I saw the mortar between the bricks rushing to meet me.

I may be exaggerating a tad here. I had my eyes closed and cried like a baby the whole time I was being whipped around in the air like a flag.

Then I felt something yank the rope, and over the howling wind I somehow heard Discord whisper into my ear, “Actually, a stroll through memory lane isn’t fun without company.”

After hearing a faint snip, I had only enough time for one more thought before the rope went completely slack and my plummet would really begin.

Eauuuugh! It was something of a mixture between a moan and a sob, and had continued into the fall until I had suddenly stopped falling. Then it was replaced by a timid huh? as I registered that I was laying on something solid, and, as far as I knew, that I was still alive.

“Quit being so dramatic,” I had heard Discord gleefully remark. “For something that looks just like a balding monkey, you have a remarkable fear of heights.”

I was too busy gasping for air to come up with one of my ever so witty retorts. What I had done however was open my eyes. It had appeared that I was laying in middle of a hallway. An impossibly long hallway, with doors upon doors. Doors on the walls, on the ceiling, on the floor, and everywhere in between. It was like being in a transparent M.C Escher painting hanging between two mirrors.

I had somehow managed to catch my breath and sat up. “Where am I?” I had said, unable to keep the awe out of my voice. I had given a few frantic looks around me at all the many different doors to see if I could see Discord. That was when I noticed something else about this strange place I was in. No matter where I had looked, I would still be staring straight down a hallway. If I were to describe it right then, I would have related it to a disorganized flipbook being flipped just slow enough to notice each image. It was disorienting to say the least.

I had then made the terrible mistake of looking directly at my feet. Thankfully I had the good sense to close my eyes before I would start falling again. I had taken the time to think about this as my breathing had finally started to normalize.

Okay, I’ve had enough. How am I going to get out of here? I asked myself.

~You’re doing it again.~ Crazy voice had chimed in annoyed. ~Why don’t you take a look inside one of those doors?~

I had briefly contemplated scrambling around with my eyes closed, on the off chance that this impossible place had friction that I could use to walk with, and fumble my hands around until they could find a knob or handle.

But then my thoughts turned to about what could be behind these doors.

I had then quickly decided that this wasn’t by far the worst place I could be in. That wasn’t to say that this was a great place to spend the rest of my life in, so I opened my eyes again to get a better look. In a surprising moment of courage I took a peek at my feet again. I was staring into the center of a hallway again, but I was also staring at my feet. Feet which were connected to my legs which were, last time I checked, connected to me.

I was pretty sure I should have been falling but I wasn’t.

I’m finding it pretty hard to write how mind boggling this was, so I’m just going to answer a few questions I think you might have right now.

No, it wasn’t a weightless environment.

Yes, I know I should have realized I was supposed to be falling the moment I opened my eyes to see that I was laying on my back in the center of an endless hallway, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit slow on the uptake.

As for the walls of the hallways, they had appeared solid. It wasn’t like I could really check them since, as I have written before, I was Always in the center of a corridor.

Back to recounting.

I had eventually gotten a grip of myself and stood up. What I was standing on however, I’ll never know.

I wasn’t sure what to do next, so I walked. At least, I thought I was walking. I was sure the doors I was walking toward were getting closer, but wasn’t hearing my foot steps, It didn’t feel like I was moving, and I felt, well, I felt hollow. I had made an attempt not get too close to any of the doors, but every time I tried to move in an direction other than down the hall everything would shift.

Every couple of seconds I would be looking at a new set of doors in new positions, no matter how hard I tried to not blink, turn, or look away. I had to find some way to gain my bearings.

So I attempted a few tests. First I tried to find the same hall twice. Completely impossible, so I had decided that doing tests here was a waste of time and just went back to walking.

Eventually, curiosity had gotten the best of me. I was beside one of the doors, From what I saw in the preprial of my vision, it was a metal cabinet. My hand “accidentally” firmly grasped the handle. It was then I heard something on the other side of the door. It was a scream.

I had almost let go, but something about that scream was so familiar. I tried to listen, but all I could make out was muffled talking

“Calm down Ra----- we are just ----- nothing too ---- Just vampires. If worse ----...

That was when I opened wide the door.

“Try again,” Finished the stranger.

It was a small, dark room. I wasn’t able to make out much about the two figures in the gloom. One of them, a girl I thought, was hyperventilating. The other was leaning against the door gasping for air.

“You brute!” The mysterious lady had exclaimed.

“I’m more of a cur. I’m much too scrawny to be brute.” The man had self-deprevationally replied.

“Just let me find the light, alright?”

I ought to go, I had thought to myself, but I didn’t go because these two were much too familiar.

And so the light was turned on. I saw a lady with deep purple hair wearing a fantastic dress, and myself, wearing a tuxedo.

I’ll think I’ll end the note here. My hand is getting cramps.

Okay, it’s not hurting at all. I just enjoy making suspense.

Ashton Thomas

Authors note: In the event that you check the chapter list to see if I had slipped in a chapter featuring Discords recounting of Heartwarming eve, I just want to say that these letters don’t need to come in any particular order. After all, Ashton seldom knows what he is doing.

Also, HA HA, MADE YOU LOOK!

New Day 1: Mugged by Memory Lane.

Back again? Good.

Now where were we?

I’m pretty sure I haven’t gotten to the part with the tank yet. That didn’t happen till Wednesday.

Hmm…

Ah! Now I remember!

I was somewhere in Here, staring at my future (?) self and the mysterious lady.

Can they see me? I had wondered as I oggled the two of them.

“Can you see him?” The other Ashton had asked the girl as he met my stare.

“Who?” The girl had replied, sounding a bit weirded out as she stared at Ashton.(The one that wasn’t me.)

Ashton had then nodded toward me and said,” Well there’s your answer.” He then rifled through his pockets muttering,” This really is inconvenient..”

“What in the name of Equestria are you doing now?! They could find us in any second!”

“Yeah, but not this second,” the other Ashton had said, probably in some pointless attempt to seem cryptic, if I knew myself as well as I did.

The lady then moaned in frustration. “How did I ever let you convince me to come here.” She then smacked Ashton in the back of the head.

Ashton ignored the angry woman and pulled something out of his pocket. It was a sharpie. One of those generic kind of sharpies.

“Hey, I’m talking to you!” The lady yelled, outraged.

Ashton had then thrown the sharpie at me and said,” Just think of geometry.” He begun to close the door on me, but then quickly stopped to say,” Oh, and -

Suddenly, the door slammed in front of me, which in turn had caused me to let go of the handle and flinch, which had then caused the hallway to shift for me again.

Taking a short pause, I thought about what had happened. I quickly decided that it wasn't worth the headache.

Oh sure, I had an encounter with what was probably my future self, but by then these temporal shenanigans were already an old hat.

I’ve decided that the best way to deal with these kind of situations was like getting a shot. Just get it over with and promptly forget about it.

I had started to walk again. The next time I came close to one of the doors, I had refrained from opening it. It didn't have the “pull” the cabinet had. In fact, most of the doors I had walked by made me feel anxious. I had wandered for what felt like hours until I came across a peculiar door. Well, it had came across me actually.

It was a large stained glass door encrusted with popcorn. The glass (made of petrified syrup) formed a mosaic of a certain draconequus. It menaced with spikes of lemon drops.

Okay, not so peculiar after all. It was obviously Discord.

“Oh gee.” I had droned,” I wonder where Discord is.”

“Well, you’re no fun.” The door had said. The mosaic shifted as the the draconequus talked.

“Falling off the Empire State Building tends to ruin my good cheer.” I dryly replied.

Discord laughed hard enough to rattle his door. “I really didn’t expect you to scream that long! It was amazing.” The mosaic then jumbled up and formed an image of what I could only assume was me holding onto a rope for dear life.

I sarcastically laughed. ” Well, now that that’s done, mind telling me where we are?”

“Here!” The door exclaimed.

I sighed. I had actually been foolish enough to expect a straight answer from the spirit of chaos.
“Oh right,” The image of Discord had appeared again, giving an insincere face palm. “Here is the place where Tomorrow and Yesterday meet, just Zorth of eventuality.”

In some strange way that had made sense. We were actually in an abstract concept given form as some kind of metaphysical plane.

You see, tomorrow technically never arrives. What you assume to be tomorrow is simply the day after your current day. The same thing can be said for yesterday as well. This means that Here shouldn’t exist since it would be encompassing the infinite gap between the two, but this is Discord you are reading about.

Then I thought about what the other Ashton had said about geometry. It had finally dawned on me that I was in what basically amounted to a graph full of an infinite number of points. Each point being a hall of doors that lead to who knew where, and I realized that the reason why the hall kept changing was because I had to maintain eye contact with the center of the

Discords mosaic looked nonplussed. “You don’t have that amusing look of bafflement on your face” Discord had said as he begun stroking his beard. “Perhaps you are smarter then I gave you credit for.”

I wasn’t ashamed to admit that hearing him say that gave me a bit of pride.

“Or you’re still trying to just ‘go with the flow’” He finished.

The pride had left, leaving me thinking; I’m pretty sure I never said anything about that…

“No, you didn’t say anything about that.” he had said, giving a smile before continuing,” and no, I’m not reading your mind. I don’t need to, I can already read you like a book.”

I was slightly miffed and wondered why we were here in the first which was when Crazy Voice reminded me.

~He said he was taking a trip through memory lane not 30 minutes ago!~ It spat out in a harsh tone of thought.

It seems to me that this would be pretty inefficient, I replied in my head, but then again, I’m not Discord.

“As most Heres go, this must be the sloppiest!” Discord had exclaimed with obvious distaste.

“This coming from the Spirit of Chaos.” My bad mood had decided to override my sense of self-preservation.

“Chaos is what you make it,” Discord said in what I had assumed was his wise sage voice. “But a mess is always a mess. Look around and tell me what you see.”

I groaned and said,” Alright, I’ll tell you what I see. I see a stupid tacky talking door in the middle of a hallway full of tacky doors that goes on and on and on, and I am getting sick of it!”

Discord gave a quiet laugh to himself,” That’s interesting… in a not so interesting way.” Then the door crumpled in on itself, forming something vaguely human shaped, I wasn’t the least bit intimidated when the heap shook itself to pieces, revealing the human Discord under all those shards of candy.

I thought I had caught a subtle meaning in what Discord had said so I asked,” What do you see then?”

Discord then gave me an appraising look, before he bent down to put his face in front of mine and said,” Everything.” His eyes became pitch black and full of stars. My god they were full of them.

But I had held fast and asked again,” Yeah, but how are you seeing it?”

He took a step back with a serious, pensive look. The strange perpetual hallway had somehow became even quieter. “That, Ashton, is a personal question. One that you should never ask.”

Just after he had finished speaking, for the briefest moment I saw Discord in an entirely different way. He was covered in moss and cracks. His skin looked like granite, but his eyes resembled polished marble. His face, however, was what had me the most aback. His face had such a lonely expression.

Now, it couldn’t have been more than an instant, but to me it felt so much longer. Too long, actually.

But then everything had went back to normal.

In its not at all normal way, that is.

DIscord wasn’t stone, and he had his usual smirk. He coughed into his fist and walked toward me saying,” Well time to get this show on the road.”

I felt a chill rise through my spine and had decided that then would be a great time to start running away, so I turned around and…

Ran straight into Discord.

I had wondered why I even bothered to run from someone who usually never bothers to move around the normal way; i.e the way that involves not breaking the laws of physics. Then I wondered why Discord had taken me to Here. My thoughts then wandered to why Discord was in the same place no matter where I looked, as if he became a permanent fixture of the hallway, which had certainly kicked my infinite space geometry theory right of the window. Then my thoughts trailed to why the other Ashton told me to think about geometry in the first place.

So I came to the conclusion that I’m only going to get stupider with time. Unless the Ashton I saw was from an alternate reality where I am an idiot.

Which, knowing me, is the one I’m probably in right now.

“I’m rather glad I decided to bring you here.” Discord said, grabbing me by the shoulder. “It would have taken ages to sort through this clutter alone.”

My panicking had subsided to intense anxiety. “Is that why you brought me here? To help you sort through this?” I asked warily, trying to take a step back from him.

He snorted. “Hah! As if you could really do anything here. No, I brought you here for different reason.”

“Oooh…” I quietly moaned, realizing that wherever Discord was taking this conversation, it wasn’t going to be pleasant.” So why did you bring me here then?”

Discord then gave a weary sigh and rolled his eyes. “Well it certainly wasn’t because I needed your quick-witted personality. Now hold still.”

“Wait I-”

Never had the chance to finish that sentence before Discord had grabbed my head by the hair and sent me on another wild ride.

It had suddenly felt like I was in some kind of full body swimming suit. One that had me in a moist vice-like grip. I spent the next handful of horrific seconds in absolute darkness, guessing what was going on until I heard a click.

Accompanying this click was the sensation of a weight, pushing down in the center of my skull. I had felt it squirm and slither around in my head, and as it squirmed I started to see swirls of colors and smelled a series of baffling scents that ranged from burnt cereal to frost-bitten rubber. I started to hear sounds. Every kind of sound that you could have imagined. This thing was in my brain, violating it.

I wanted to scream, but my mouth wouldn’t open.

Then, amongst the cacophony sounds, I heard the disembodied voice of Discord. “Hmmm… Now where should I start.” I thought I heard someone rifling through a stack of paper, but I wasn’t sure that was him. “This looks about right.”

I heard another click, and the sights, sounds, and smells vanished. The thing writhing around in my skull went slack. It was a welcome moment of respite, even if I was still immobile. It was almost pleasant really, at least until there was yet another click.

Whatever it was that had gotten into my head started to harden. I knew I shouldn’t have been able to feel it in my brain. After all, I was pretty sure the brain couldn’t feel anything. No nerves and what not. But, I did feel something. It kinda gave me the impression of a long thin balloon filling up with chilled syrup.

Suddenly I felt really angry. I also felt really hungry. I was hot as well. Oh, and apparently I was being carried by a giant, red-headed beard monster, but I was okay with this for some reason. A name came to mind. Uncle O’Monty. It had felt familiar.

The giant and I were surrounded by really tan people. One of them was carrying a suit case. No one was moving, or breathing for that matter.

I heard another click, and I was suddenly terrified. The giant was squeezing me against his chest in one hand, and carrying a suitcase of cash in the other. He looked like he was running toward a truck. My ears were hurting. The other people looked very angry.

I heard Discord again. “Oh my, this is interesting and all, but it’s much too early.”
The click had went off again, but before I was able to register this new scene I heard another click. This click was followed by another quicker click, which itself was followed by an even quicker one with other faster clicks not far behind. It was not long before there was a torrent of clicks parading me through my memory as I then realized that was what was actually going on.

Being dragged through my murky past was horrifying enough, but doing it via some kind of demented slideshow was beyond terror. Each click would force me into a new scene from my life. Would force me into the same position, emotional state, and make me feel the same sensations I felt then, but at the rate it was happening I was completely overwhelmed. I wasn’t able to make sense out of anything after a few minutes of barreling through memory lane.

Discord grumbled. “ What a disappointment. You certainly had all the ingredients, but it looks like you just fizzled out.” I could barely hear him amongst the clicking. “Ah, here we go.”

The clicks stopped. I wasn’t dazed, but only because I was forced to be confused for the memory. It was the first time I met Discord. I had begun to notice a sharp contrast between him then, and him now.

“Oh that can’t possibly be me!” Discord said in disbelief. I had a feeling that he noticed the contrast too.

A handful of clicks later, I was at the part where I was in my underwear at home talking to Spirit of Chaos. I had yet to realize that I was completely out of my depth.

“For once, even I’m at a loss for words.”

The click had then resumed accompanied by Discords displeased humming, which was quickly becoming a furious growl. Until he reached the part where I saw him clinging to a statue named Tom while sobbing in a drunken haze. When he reached that part he became very quiet.

I heard fingers drumming along a desk. A bitter sigh. Discord rifled through the cassettes again as he whistled to himself. “I’m sure this one little memory wouldn’t be missed.”

Before I had a chance to panic I heard a small electronic ding. Then Discord gave a puzzled grunt, and I heard the ding again. I could have sworn that I heard his teeth grind before a trio of dings tumbled by, chased by a furious outburst from an angry draconequus, with dark mutterings trailing behind it..

The stream of clicking resumed. I had went through half a week of web surfing in span of the time it takes for a gnat to fart. The other half of the week flew by noticeably slower until the metaphorical nostalgia train I was strapped to gracelessly grinded to a halt.

“Nothing…” I had heard Discord say in breathless disbelief. “You did absolutely nothing, for an entire week.” He gave a soft gasp and continued,” And that would mean that I did nothing that week! No mischief, no mayhem, no… no chaos? That can’t be right!”

The clicking began again, except this time it had went in reverse. I had thought reliving my life on fast forward was the worst possible thing to happen to me. I was very wrong. Reliving my life backwards skyrocketed to the top of my list of worst possible situations, zooming past pigeon rape, and side-swiping dingo car rides.

The worst part of it was that Discord was carefully looking through each moment, especially the private intimate ones, which while still being uncomfortably fast it was just slow enough for me to comprehend what I was feeling. It was a harrowing experience that I knew I wasn’t going to forget anytime soon.

The rewinding finally stopped. Discord gave a defeated sigh and said,” I must have been seriously ill.” After which, he resumed the clicking yet again. With a vengeance. Quick as it was, going through the same week a third time really sucked.

Discord slowed down around the part when we were sword fighting, at the end of the week. “Ah, that’s better.” His good mood had soured a few moments later when I was beating the crap out of him for breaking my computer. He was starting to growl.

I hadn’t remembered that happening, but my memory of what actually happened at the end of that week was suspiciously hazy once I had started to think about it.

When Discords head started to vibrate, I was positive that something was up. I’d have made a note of Discord doing anything weird like that. I was starting to notice that something was off about these moments.

The moments were becoming distorted. My vision was jumbled, and it felt like I was wearing a vest of mismatched puzzle pieces. It was like getting poor reception on a TV. Usually that’s not a problem for me, but since this was my memories, I was a bit concerned.

Discord, however, didn't appear to be inconvenienced by the poor quality. He didn’t say anything about it at any rate. He just kept clicking away until suddenly, he stopped.

Amidst the collage of frayed images of pineapples and whales I saw a statue of Discord. I also saw the Draconequus without a tail.

Discord moaned loudly and wearily said,” I’ve had enough of this. I need a drink.”

That was when I finally blacked out.

And that's where I’m stopping for now.

I’m sorry if these notes aren’t really making any sense to you. Looking back on what happened this week, I find it nearly impossible to make sense of it myself.

I’m actually starting to think that writing these letters is pointless. If anything, they might be convincing you not to help me. That is, if these are reaching anyone at all.

Then again, what else do I have to do here.

Yaddah Yaddah Yaddah,

Ashton.

Prologue: Whoops

Prologue
Swissroll the -3rd

My claws are tight around her throat. Her muscles are tense with fear. Her pupils are mere pinpricks in those giant white eyes of hers, garnished with just a hint of revulsion. She is- HaHaHaHaHAHAHAHA! - utterly freaked out. I shall always treasure the look on her face as she slipped on that banapple. This is shaping to be a wonderful day!

The best part is, there are no Elements of Harmony to save the day, no letters for Celestia to send to inspire her most faithful student to ruin my fun, and no stony prison! No, now it's time for some real fun!

But not too much fun of course. Twice stoned, thrice learned after all. I don't want them making new Elements of Harmony.

"Oh, now isn't this so very delightful," I croon to the group of little ponies coming to join my little soiree; 'The Elements of Harmony'. Oh wait, I'm mistaken, aren't I? You actually need to have the Elements to be the Elements of Harmony.

Not even I know where those trashy trinkets could have gotten to! Which may have been a bad idea now that I think of it.

Nevertheless, they are powerless to stop me! Why did they even bother to come? Are they thinking of trying to get rid of 'ole Discord for good? "I do hope you didn't really think that brute force could overcome my stunning wit and charm." I joke.

Oooh, tough crowd. Not even a smile from Pinky Pie!

What to do, what to do. There are just so many fun choices to choose from!

Turn her into a stuffed doll? I am sure that Tia would just love to add a new doll to her collection, being the pretty pony princess that she is. Hmmmm. Celestia doesn't look all that happy does she? She never did like me having fun.

I do suppose that would be a bit too much wouldn't it?

I could warp her mind! Change her back to- who was it? Ah, Night Mare Moon! Wouldn't that just be a fun old time, watching Celestia and the NOT-Elements of Harmony deal with her without those stupid, flashy pieces of garbage. Hah! Wait, that would take it over the line as well wouldn't it? I may be the spirit of chaos, but I am anything but evil!

Arrrrggh, buck me!

What was that?! Celestia and Twilight aren't near enough to zap me. Unicorn magic isn't this harsh, but chaos magic is! I know I didn't shock myself... This time at least. So this must be the work of a chaotic surge!

I was wondering how I got out. Something really chaotic must be happening. Oh I just can't wait to see what it is!

First, to deal with these silly ponies. Perhaps I'll do something so complex it will just wow the saddle off that insufferable Twilight Sparkles. She thinks that she is just hot stuff doesn't she, but I bet she can't manage a simple age change spell. Oh! That is just the ticket! Wuna was so adorable back then, they can't possibly stay mad at me for this.

Right, time to lay on the charm with a well placed frown. Just think of all the plain milk still in Equestria. “Do my words not impress you? What about my latest interpretation of Ponyville, hm? Does it not scream chaos?” I'm getting nothing from them. It's like they aren't even happy to see me!

“Very well then. I suppose I’ll just have to make things more interesting for you all.” They won't possibly not enjoy this!

Wait, what is that blue blur rushing towards me? It's Rainbow Dash rushing right at me, brash as ever! What ever shall I do?! Hahahaha, I'll turn her into a snail or something. I am sure she will be happy with the title: 'The Fastest Sloth in Equestria'.

Oh, it looks like widdle Wuna wants me to let go. Hah! Let's see if she is such an uppity unicorn when I knock a few centuries off her age. Wait... I forgot to take her horn!

Bah, it's only unicorn magic, I can just nip this in the bud right n-

Arggghh!

I can't help but remember something about mixing magic during a chaotic surge...

I suppose it doesn't really matter now because,

Luna's a filly, Luna's a filly! Ha! Hah! Ha ha... ha?

Oh right, you aren't Supposed to mix magic in a chaos surge. I'm sure this isn't anything I can't fix, and of course by fix I mean improve of course.

“What? Oh for the love of... ” Or I could be wrong and get sucked into my own magical blast. Stupid stupid ponies, why couldn't you just let me be...

Chaotic.

Chapter Six: Fluffy Ponies (DANGER DANGER ZONE)

Beware, this is a little rough, but who doesn't mind a little roughage now and then?

Chapter Six
April 21

Ah, Fluffy Ponies... three times as dumb as a parasprite, yet twice as cute. If the ignorant non-brony masses were to put a face on My Little Pony as a whole, this would be that face. A drooling sack of fluff that knows how to do only three things, Eat, Poop, and giggle. Although the average Fluffy pony has a hard time not drowning in its own drool, they some how manage to retain the ability to communicate through a series of annoying, shrill, broken-English baby talk that they babble for nearly every second of their short pointless lives. I thanked god every day that they didn't exist... until today.

I drift out of consciousness. I feel a tingling tingling sensation at the back of my throat, and my tongue feels furry, the taste is my mouth can only be described as a mixture of dust bunnies and floor candy. A strange guilty pleasure for the senses. I am finding it difficult to breath for some reason. I should open my eyes, but that would mean that I would eventually get out of bed, and right now, my face is just sooooo comfortable and warm! Wait... why would my face be warm? I open my eyes, and see nothing. Dear god, my eyes have been replaced by fuzzy dice!

~Dear god, why are you such an asshole? Reality check, what is that on your neck, besides that horrendous abomination you call a face.~ Has my crazy voice gotten louder? I think it has!

Awww, has the widdle crazy voice missed his nappy?

~Oh you poor sap. Your brains are done leaking out like potatos... that, or it's not getting enough oxygen.~

I like pancakes.

My face hair starts squirming around on my face. Hot damn, I must have a real beard now! This has got to be my proudest moment... ever. I hear my new beard squeal. I gasp, or in this case gag and choke in surprise. Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! My new beard is a pony! This is the best day of my life! I try to get the fuzzy flapjacks out of my eyeballs. I see blue fluff.

"Oh my god it's Rainbowdash!" I yell, or try to, whatever is in my mouth gagging me. "We are going to have so much fun together! First we're going to the circus, then the movies, then ice cream, and thenthemovies,andthenthecircusandthenwearegoingtodriveracecarsand-" My muffled giddy rambling is interrupted by my new beard suddenly shivering as something wet trickles down on my face. It smells sugary, and tastes like skittles mixed with asparagus. It is also unpleasantly warm.

"Pway?!" I jerk around at the voice, a grating high pitched gaspy childlike mewling. Ears! Pain! Hurtyness! I swipe at my beard. My beard falls off my face, and the bed with a plop. I gasp for air. Wow, What a rush! I look off the side of the bed and into two yellow eyes.

"You're not Rainbow Dash!" I scold. It's ears flop and it looks at me with a puzzled sad expression.

"Pway?" It squeaks. It looks up at me with those...eyes. Those bottomless urine colored pools of heart rending cuteness. My mouth twitches. This thing is disgustingly adorable. I feel vomit at the back of my throat.I gurgle. There is only one thing that can counteract cuteness of this magnitude!

"Must. Get. Online and. Stop. Talking like Shatner." I stagger off the bed, my legs weak from sleep. The thing looks up at me, it's mouth open in idiotic befuddlement. I disregard it and get in my usual place in front of the computer. That's weird, I don't remember getting this screen saver. I stare at what appears to be a gaping hole in my monitor. Wow, it's so real! I laugh to myself. The thing laughs as well. I stare angrily at it, until I look in it's big sunshine colored eyes. D'awww, I can't stay mad at it! "I'mma name you-"

~Bitch, don't you dare name it!~

"Cupcakes!" I finish. The thing squeals in joy and faints. I smile and take a bottle of antacid from the drawer, and empty it all into my mouth. Constipated diarrhea is worth being spared of this heart rendingly sweet moment. I turn back to the computer and fiddle around with the keyboard and wait for the screen to disappear. I realize that my keyboard doesn't have keys in it, and that my mouse has been discombobulated. I slowly grind my teeth in anger, and hiss under my breath,"Discord!"

I stomp out of the room, my head filled with vile thoughts. I know I have some thumbscrews in one of the piles here, but where? I stop in my tracks and look at the floor. I rub my eyes and look again. It's completely spotless! That's impossible, I don't remember the last time I could see the floor uninhibited by dust bunnies, stains, and crumbs. It must be a ploy by discord. I walk to the door of the room-that-was-once-mine-until-my-dad-took-it-and-then-got-arrested-and-now-discord-lives-there-and-stuff. I really don't want to do this, he is probably going to be in another one of those weird costumes doing some freaky stuff no doubt. I'm not going to be fazed by his silliness this time, I won't even bat an eye if I walk in on him committing strange rituals with a chicken.

I brace myself and open the door. The room is dim, the only source of light coming from the thin streams of sunlight through the moth-ridden blanket covering the small window above the bed. In the middle of the bed was a covered lump quietly snoring away. I unveil the sleeping figure. Its a pile of hamster balls, full of baked beans. Don't get your jimmies ruffled Ashton, that's what he wants to happen. I still hear snoring, but apparently it wasn't coming from the beans... unless these are sentient snoring beans! I resolve to dispose of them as soon as I can, when I get around to it anyway.

You know what? Discord isn't even worth my time, I just needed to get the spare keyboard and mouse. I turn to the computer desk behind me and find Discord just staring at a rubix cube while sitting on the computer tower. He is wearing an old fashioned pink night gown along with a fluffy pink night cap. At least he isn't naked. I gently pull the keyboard out from under him and unwrap the mouse cord that was entangled around his leg. I deposit them beside the pile of bean filled hamster balls.

So what should I do to Discord for his grave injustices?

~Weed whacker to the crotch? It's in pile 5. ~

No, that's to loud, it'll wake that thing.

~That fluffy pony, you mean.~

Don't be silly, fluffy ponies don't exist, it's probably just an exceptionally hairy gnome.

~Gnomes don't exist, quit deluding yourself. There's no Santa Claus either. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it yah hippy.~

Wait, so that thing is a fluffy pony? I wrack my brain for any info about fluffy ponies. No food after midnight? That's gremlins! No bright lights? Also gremlins. No water? That's also gre- wait no, that applies to fuffy ponies too. What else? Never leave them alone! Crap! I glare at Discord. He must be responsible for this. I smack him upside the head with the fury of a french hen. "Oi! Get the hell up!" I yell in his ear.

He jerks and spazzes about as he rolls off the tower. He blinks his eyes groggily. He cringes. "Owwwww!" He moans in pain as he gets up, grabbing his back. "Oh my back! Why does it hurt so much!?" I laugh softly at his misery.

"Probably has something to do with the way you were sitting." I inform Discord with a sneer.

"Pfft!" He rolls his eyes. I notice that his sleeping gown has tears and holes in it. I shake my head.

"Change your clothes." I command

"Fine." He groans and throws his hat on the ground. I walk out with the keyboard and mouse and hear Discord mutter under his breath,"Mom."

I stroll through the living room and hop over the fluffy pony. I plop myself down in the chair and look at the computer to-
Where is my computer tower?

WHERE IS MY COMPUTER TOWER!? My face was stuck in a rictus of anger. I start rummaging through the room. I know its in here somewhere! It isn't on the bed. Balls! It isn't in the closet. Damn it! It isn't under the fluffy pony. $!@#%!

~Did you seriously censor your own thoughts? What- how...why? Fuck you. Just fuck you.~

Okay, it's not on the bed. Still. Did I check in the closet? I think I did. It's not in the closet. AH! I need something to kill myself with!

~Eat the fluffy pony.~

But that won't kill me!

~Kill who? Oh, you. Uhhh. I dunno, jump out a window or something.~

Those sage words of wisdom from my not-so-subconscious gives me an idea. I run to the window and jump. I fall face first into the carpet. Athletic, I am not. I notice there is a gaping hole in the window that looks suspiciously like a computer tower. I slowly walk to the window, scared of the answers that lay below the other side. I poke my head out the hole and accidentally poke myself on one of the edges. "Ouch!" I take a moment to decide if I want to continue risking slicing my neck, or withdrawal my head and open the window. Meh, too much effort. I see the crater and gasp. My heart skips a beat. It's my precious computer, or whats left of it. It's burnt, smashed, crashed, and broken into teeny tiny pieces.

I give out a silent sob and slide my head out of the window. I get cut again. I don't care. I trip again. I still don't care. I fall face first in a skittle puddle. Still don't care. I crawl to a corner and begin the self loathing. I'm garbage! Garbage!

~Yep~

I should just end it all right here!

~You should~

I want to be reborn as a sea cucumber!

~Whatever, you're boring now.~

I hear a knocking. I suck up my tears with a whiny sniff and scowl. Discord is banging on his table laughing at my suffering! I plunge my hand in the pile of pokey things next to me and yank out a barbed harpoon with my bleeding hand. I charge out of the room, and bust open Discord's door.

He is wrapped in a sheet. He stares at me in shock and gasps. He clutches his bosom and stares at me in shock. he throws a bean filled hamster ball at me which hits with a sickening plop. "Pervert!" He screeches. I hear the knocking again, three sharp taps. I let out a weary moan and limp toward the door, grumbling.

I sigh as I op- wait, I need to put some clothes on. I look down at my nudity. I turn and rush back into Discords room. He looks at me in shock again. I yank his sheet away from him and wrap it around myself. I slam the door behind me and walk back to my visitor sporting a new toga.

I open the door and face the visage of bitchieness, my land-lady. Her scowl is as deep as her countless wrinkles and her cataracts leered at me with a ferocious hate only a hag of her standing is capable of. She is dressed in a horribly unflattering grey summer dress. I stare at her for a moment, slightly fearing for the baby that I do not have. I put on a smile and say," Would you like some coke..." My mind blanks on her name. Screw you brain!

~No, fuck you!~

"No, I am here to give your father a piece of my mind, young man." she wheezes, the stench of cigarettes emanating from her maw of a mouth.

"He isn't here today miss..." Dang nab it, I still don't know her name!

"Pah! You can take a message for him then!" she wheezes as she hobbles to the couch and sits in my spot. She begins talking, her teeth click clacking as I stare at the disgusting boil on her nose. "Blah blah blah blah responsibility something something man-child I'm a cranky old bitch are you listening young man?" I nod my head sycophantically at the fat sack of wrinkles as I imagine her in a pointy hat, cackling as she tosses newt eyes and gopher nuts into a bubbling cauldron.

I would give anything to end this miserable conversation. She. Just. Doesn't. Stop. Talking. I glance at the harpoon longingly. She pokes me with a bony finger and caws," You better not have any stow-a ways here boy, or I will keel-haul you and take your booty!" Wait what? I nod my head at the crazy pirate hag.

"Nope, no one here but me..." who else again? I stick my tongue out in thought, she frowns. Oh yeah. "and my dad."

Her scowl deepens even further and her eyes bug out " I smell foreigners! Where you hiding them black people boy?" She pulls a bull-whip out of her little tacky white purse and its loud crack reverberates through the air.

~Ha Ha! Racism!~

"I don't know what you are talking about" I say, giving my best poker face. I clench my eyes shut when I hear Discords door open behind me. Please please please don't be wearing something weird. The hags eyes are twitching and her teeth pop out of her mouth in an hilarious manner. I slowly grind my teeth together and turn around.

Discord is wearing a colorful poncho and a straw sombrero. I bite my lip and try to think of something as I hear the toothless old bat gum out," whe'll sohhny, how whill you exshplian thish?"

Blargh, time to pull a name out my ass. I look at the label on discords hat: dieshwettersnchingsnappfraterdegedubergen

"This is Eduardo del Japotle. He's just visiting."

"whullshift! hish one uf dem Mexikijaps! I dun trushf im! I fwan de wrent mofney nao"

I give an uncomfortable laugh and walk closer to Discord. "Oh he's just in costume! Yeah, he works at..." My mind blanks yet again. Really? This is getting old. Bah, just come up with some fake name. "De Vantos Carpo?" Good enough! I yank off the poncho. I immediately regret yanking off the poncho. Seriously? Why did it have to be black bondage gear? My eyes follow the path of the crisscrossing stripes of leather and the multitude of rings piercing them. It was slightly entrancing how the straps caressed his nipp- Eauuuggh! Bad thoughts! nasty thoughts! I quickly turn to look at something, anything else. I stare directly at Granny Racists face. She was beside herself in rage and disgust.

I shake my head and walk to the coffee-chest and grab a small old box. It is worn around the edges, and has the many cuts and nicks associated with being in the possession of an attention-deficit man child such as myself. I jiggle the crooked latch and open it, revealing all the money that Discord acquired at the block party. The dirty, sinful, stolen money. I get a good whiff of it, it smells so good.

She snatches the money from me with her claw-like hands. She looks like she is considering counting the money, until she just snorts and rushes out of the apartment muttering," Flermin' chinkeororers..." She slams the door behind her.

I sigh in relief, until if feel a cold chill shoot up my spine when Discord starts talking. "Whatch er probrem?" I grimace and turn back around to confirm my suspicions. He was smiling, but it definitely wasn't intentional. His nonchalant look slowly shifts to a panicked glazed stare when he realizes that his snaggle tooth has wedged the dentures, the same dentures that, not moments ago, were in the mouth of that vicious hag. I laugh at his plight as he tries to lever the false teeth from his mouth using the harpoon.

Okay, I can't resist. "Why are you wearing that?" I try to avert my gaze from the nipp-Errgh... the... fuck it, I am out of here!

~Don't be a pansy, stare at those hairy chest satellites like a man!~

Discord manages to pry the teeth out. "Well this is what you wear for back support no?" He gestures at his attire. "I mean, look at all these straps and belts!"

"Well it's not, now change into something else before I get the whi-" I won't complete that sentence. I just won't. I sigh. "just put something else on." He shrugs and retreats to his room, rubbing his neck.

I here something crash in my room. Oh crap, it's a ghost! Then I remember my little guest. Me and Discord are going to have a chat about that, but first I better check if it broke anything that was mine. I quickly walk to my room and find cupcakes pinned under the broken computer monitor. It looked adorable as it's eyes swelled up in tears. I lift the trashed screen off of it and place it back on the desk. It looks up at me and says," Eet wuuked wike spughetee." It sniffs pathetically. "Bawt eet wuzzent! Eet wuz uh baaaad spuhgetee bawkz. Eet huwt fwuffy pony." I clench my heart from all the d'aww that it has been afflicted with.

"Awww, are you hungry Cupcakes?" It nods its head vigorously. I pat its head and walk out of the room. It follows behind me into the kitchen.

"Spawhgeytee?" it asks, as if unsure that I didn't hear it babble about "Spugetee" as I waited for the water to start boiling.

"Yes Cupcakes, spuhgetee... I mean, spaghetti." The water starts really bubbling now. About time. I grab the box of spaghetti and empty it all in the pot.

The fluffy pony widens its eyes in glee. "Spppeewwwgaaahhtteee!!" It defies all logic and somehow scrambles up the counter with its stubby little hooves, and jumps right into the boiling pot of spaghetti. I look on in horror as it keeps giggling in the scalding water.

"Cupcakes!" I scream as the fluffy pony sinks into the broiling water, its little paw waving in the air, as if giving one last wave of goodbye at me. I... I don't know what to say.

~Cupcakes, it's whats for dinner!~

I rub the grief-filled tears from my eyes as I look in the cabinet for some spices. What goes good with pony meat I wonder? Did it even have meat? Is it edible? Discord can have the first serving. Some paprika and thyme will give it a kick. A piece of chocolate and some maple syrup to give it body. A heap of precooked bacon to top it all off. The fluffy floats to the surface of the boiling water, entangled by the noodley strands like seaweed on a rock. Oh yeah, your supposed to gut them before you cook them. So I guess that means fluffy pony is like chicken then?

The bobbing corpse is swelling faster now. That isn't gas. I back away and use the fridge door as a shield. The late Cupcakes explodes, covering the ceiling with multi-colored ooze and bits of fluff. The pot topples over and the spaghetti, what remains of cupcake, and a fair supply of bacon slide along the floor. Dang Nab it. I stare at the horrific mess. Well, its in whatever cruel god that resides in this hellish den of filth to deal with this mess. The corpse formerly known as Cupcakes began squirming around. Oh god, oh god, oh god! I don't want to become patient zero like this!

Four fluffy pony heads pop out from under the body. They crawl out and shake the rainbow colored gore off themselves. Okay left to right; Red fluffy with green eyes, let's call it Scripture, yellow fur and blue eyes, I'mma call you Shed.mov, Pink fluffy with purple eyes, obviously Cherilee's garden, a brown fluffy with orange eyes, just screams out Spiderses. Wait. There was one fluffy pony... and now there are 4. That means that, either Cupcakes was pregnant, or dead fluffy ponies explode into living ponies. I look at the mess again. Back at the ponies. Back at the rainbow goo splattering the ceiling. Oh balls.

"Pway?" asks Spiderses. All the ponies look around spastically babbling "Pway? Pway!" They all frantically run around me.

I think I am going to be sick. I hear my stomach gurgle like a drowning Welshman. I am beginning to regret taking that entire bottle of antacid. "Just sit still ponies okay?" I say, somehow managing to not vomit on the spot. I stomp off toward the bathroom leaving the fluffy ponies to chew on the dry sticks of spaghetti.

I wipe my mouth with my grimy wrist as I stare in the mirror. I look like a mess! I sigh. Looks like its time for a shower. I begrudging slide open the shower door, unwrapping my toga. I turn the nozzle. Oh shit that's cold! I huddle against the opposite wall of the shower waiting for it to get hot. Okay, I'm bored now. I look around for something to do to take my mind off of thinking about thinking about the crazy shit that has happened this past week. The shower is utterly devoid of distractions. Arrggh! I am living with the embodiment of chaos and now there is a babbling flock of fluffy ponies, creatures that don't exist in Equestria, much less earth, and spite in the face of evolution by exploding into more ponies on death-and-I-need-to-puke-again! Oh look a razor.

I look in the mirror again. I look slightly better now, and freshly shaved. I look down at my silky smooth legs. Awkwardly smooth. I feel silly for shaving them. I rifle through a pile of clothes by the toilet and find a mostly clean set of clothes. Decked out in a black tee-shirt and blue jeans, I feel like I can take anything! I open wide the bathroom door, releasing the stench of vomit into the living room, and the stench of the living room into the bathroom. Good lord it smells like candy mountain!

I witness the carnage, a swarm of fluffy ponies everywhere. A fluffy pony blood bath, the walls and ceiling were covered in fluffy pony rainbow happy time juice and thick gobs of what look to be creme filling. I do not own any dairy products to produce said creme. A group of fluffy ponies have coalesced into some kind of hug orgy while one of the ponies, Scripture I think, managed to hang itself on the ceiling fan. It continually slaps itself against the wall until it swells and pops like a balloon. It rains fluffy pony.

Keep calm Ashton, keep calm. I feel a heat emanating from my room. I slowly open the door, and a gust of fiery heat blasts against my face. Two little fireballs blaze past me and I hear mewling crys. "Fieyou! Owchee owchee owchee!" I can only look on as the two smoldering fluffy ponies literally blaze a trail of destruction. Why isn't the fire alarm beeping? I look up at the ceiling for it, all I find is a blank spot. I look down bellow where it would be and find a fluffy pony licking a battery and giggling inanely.

I sigh wearily and yell out," For the love of your tiny pony deity, please stop!" All the ponies freeze in their tracks. Even the empty shell hanging on the fan is hanging in mid air. Well, that was easier then I thought it would be! They just stare at me, and drool.

"You smell guud dada." One of the fluffy ponies say, a white one. The equivalent of a lustful stare appears on all the ponies faces. Oh balls. They all take a step toward me. "Weaawy gud dada." An Applebloom looking fluffy pony, bow and all, says. I sniff myself cautiously. I still smell like vomit, except vomit mixed with earl gray and bacon with a hint of old spice.

~Ha Ha! You are so boned.~

They are just fluffy ponies! They barely measure to my knees. It's totally fine. Perfectly. Fine.

Ohgodohgodohgodohgod! I hear nothing but the pounding of what must be a hundred fluffy ponies rubbing, scooting, licking, humping, bouncing, fondling, fel-Euaaagghh! Make it stop make it stop make it stop! All I hear them say is," Enf! Enf! Enf!" as the pound away at me. My only relief is that I managed to cover my mouth and nose before I was overcame by that swarm of fluff, and that they aren't very good at molesting me. It feels more like someone dribbling basketballs against me then being prod repeatedly by tiny fluffy pony happy no-nos. It feels so unbearably hot under this pile, and it's only getting hotter by the second. I have no choice now. I scream out," Discord! I have a present for you!"

I hear Discord kick open the door over the chorus of "Enf"s. He gasps in delight. "For me? Oh you shouldn't have Ashton. I feel him grab one of the fluffy ponies off my face. I see the cruel look of glee on his face as he holds the still humping fluffy pony in his hand, oblivious to the spreading flames in the room. Ewwwww. Just don't think about it. Just don't think about it.

~Wow! Look at it go!~

The cherry red fluffy pony finally stops its furious flailing about and looks at Discord. It's horrified shriek stops the humping... for just about 5 seconds until they go back to grinding on me like a Catholic sheep dog. "Munstah! Dada, hewp!" A stream of sparkling glittery urine spurts out of the fluffy pony like a leaky balloon, hitting Discord and white creme-like excrement spurts out from under it. Discord is furious. He dropkicks the fluffy and walks back in the room. He returns wielding a nine iron. I suddenly notice that he is wearing a golf uniform.

Discord going postal on some freakishly adorable retard pony midgets? I can totally get behind that. Discord going postal on said ponies while they are groping my everything? Kinda against that.

~So you are pro-rapist-fluffy-ponies then?~

Good point. I see Discord stroking his beard in thought. We both know what he is going to do, why does he need to even think about it?

"This is going to hurt you... a lot." He says solemnly, and he flashes a maniacal grin as he swings the club.

Oh god of head pains, I plea for forgiveness for what ever sin you think I did. Thinking making hurt brain face pain. I feel a sharp slap across my face. My senses have been jogged. I feel another slap. "Okay I'm awake!" I yelp. I get slapped again. I open my eyes. Ack! I get a face full of smiling Discord. He better have clothes on. Better yet, I better have clothes on. I take a quick peek below. He was wearing a hoodie and sweat pants. I am still wearing the clothes I found in the bathroom, and I notice that my shirt has Trixie's cutie mark. Neat! I sigh in relief. Wait, why am I outside?

"About time you got up sleepy head! You were unconscious for a full 2 minutes. I was getting bored." He pouts.

I taste copper. "Do I have a concussion?" I say, my voice sounds like I am underwater. I shake my head.

He hums in thought. "Probably, but since when was concus-whatevers were a bad thing?" He pulls a flashlight out of his pocket and fondles my eyes with his light beam. "how many mes do you see?"

"One." I answer.

"Wrong!" He looks around, and then at himself and frowns. "Oh. You seem to be okay."

I roll my eyes. "Okay then, can we go back inside? Why did you drag me outside to begin with?" I hear sirens. "Oh", I snidely remark," great, someone's house is on fire and Discord just want's to watch the world burn."

"It's not my fault your fire is so pretty and chaotic." He says.

"So where is the fire?" He puts on a pair of shades and looks behind me, smiling. I stand still and wait. And wait. And wait. Damn, he is so insidious! I grind my teeth in anger. "Fine, I am just going back inside, I am sure you couldn't have dragged me out to far from home." I turn around and make my way to... Oh.

~Looks like that plan... went up in-

LA LA LA LA LA I'M NOT HEARING YOU! MY APARTMENT ISN'T ON FIRE! I WAS NOT RAPED BY FLUFFY PONIES!

Yeah... my apartment is on fire. I sigh sadly, and say," Did any of the fluffy ponies get out?"

"Targets eliminated." He says in a gruff voice. I turn to see him saluting. He lets out a girly giggle.

" Did you manage to take anything outside besides me?"

" Duh! I only got the most needed thing, evar." He pulls out a box. Its a boggle board game. I stare at him. He smiles at me goofily. I smack the box out of his hands. He gasps, and begins to tear up. He stops his fake snivling and narrows his eyes. "So... how do you feel about the fact that everything you owned and cherished are going up in smoke as we speak? He smiles. "Or do you even care?"

"Of course I do!" I shout, outraged. Oh! Idea! There is totally enough time to rush up there and grab the other computer tower! I start to cross the street when the part of the apartment I lived at exploded. Oh yeah... we had a few canisters of gas lying about didn't we? I sigh and walk back to Discord. "Of course I do," I repeat, more for Discord sake, then my own.

"Really?" He asks, raising his eyebrows and leans on a nearby light post.

"Yes." I say, irritated.

He laughs. "Oh really."

"Y-yeah, really." Starting to feel uncertain of my self. I shake my head. It's just mind games. Of course I care that I am homeless and penniless and that whatever held me down to this stupid town is now burning up, freeing me the rut I found myself when I dropped out. Er... Of course this matters to me! My dad is going to flip out when he finds out that I accidentally set fire to the house.

~Not if you run away.~

What about investigations? I wasn't the only person living there after all, and I can't blame all this on fictional fluffy ponies!

~That doesn't matter if you just run away.~

This is real life we are talking about here! You can't just drop everything and leave! I am eventually going to be held accountable for this.

~Pfft, real life! This all stopped being real life around the time the sky flashed pink and you know it, you just refuse to face it.~

I curl up into a ball and rock a little. Everything is going to be okay! Lets see how I can fix this... sell myself on the street corner? Too expensive. Sell my organs? I don't trust anyone enough to not fondle me while I am under. Hightail it to Mexico and live as a bean farmer? I don't know Spanish! Arrggghhh!

"Oh dear, have I finally broken you?" He says in a disappointed tone. I jerk my head up to see him smiling at me. "I guess you couldn't handle real fun." He laughs. "I guess this is where we part."

The word fun reverberates through my head. I am completely screwed no matter what I do. I may as well have fun losing my mind. Maybe I could take the insanity plea when they find me drooling in the corner when Discord finally finds a way to make me completely snap. A warm padded cell sounds really comfy right now. I sigh as I get up and look at Discord, who is now walking down the street. "Wait!" I yell.

He turns and smiles at me. "Yes?"

"Where are you going?" I ask, trying to beat around the bush.

"Does that even matter?" He raises an eyebrow.

"I guess not." I mutter as I follow behind him.

"Where do you think your going?" He prods me in the chest.

"I'm just tagging along."

"Not until you answer my question Ashton." He says snootily.

My eyes dart around. "Uhh..." I stammer, Discord stares at me, a bored look on his face. He taps his foot. I look down. "No." I whisper.

"What was that?" He says, cupping his ear.

"No." I say, a little louder.

"I can't hear you sonny jim!" He has a banana poking out of his ear now.

"No! I don't care that I no longer have a home now!" I yell.

Discord stares at me. His grin widens and he lets loose a crazed laugh. "I knew it!" He shouted, the banana pops out of his ear. He grabs me and looks in my ear. What. He nods and hums to himself, as if he were examining a particularly interesting piece of toast.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing!" He says innocently. I feel him stick his wet finger in my ear. Eaauuuggh! Then he pulls back the back of my pants and looks down their. Damn it, I guess it wasn't enough that I was violated by fluffies was it? I feel my pants snap back. Ouch.

"Any reason for that?"

"Nope!" He skips down the street until a firetruck zooms down the corner. He jumps behind a near-by bush in fear. Oh great, he's acting even crazier.

I walk to the bush he has somehow hidden himself in, despite the fact that it was a fourth his size. Why would he freak out about a firetruck? Oh, he must have been setting to fire to everything when he goes out. "Yo" I say as I nudge the bush.

The bush spasticlly jerks around as his head pops out. He looks up at me, mildly terrified. Now he looks surprised. "Uhhh... nothing." He unsteadily gets up. "Soooo... what was that?"

"How do you not know what a car is? Haven't you been going out everyday and sowing chaos?"

"Of course!" He exclaims, sweating bullets.

I gasp. "You haven't been going outside!" I laugh. "Did widdle discord get scared of little old unorganized earth?"

"Nu uh!" Hey pouts.

"Ya huh!" I say smugly. He starts fuming. "So what have you been doing this week?" He frowns and crosses his arms angrily. He mumbles something. I stare at him and say," What was that?"

He sighs. "Filling hamster balls with beans and reading mangoos." He kicks a rock.

I look back at the apartment. Stupid, stupid freaking fluffy ponies! Wait. I grab Discord. "Care to explain the fluffy ponies?"

"The fluffy what?" He asks. "Oh! You mean those disgusting things? I would guess that it just walked in."

I glare angrily at Discord. "Those don't exist on Earth, now cough up, how did it get here?"

"Oh, so those aren't natural either. How disappointing." He looks at me. He rolls his eyes." I don't suppose "just chaos" would be enough yes?" I nod and he sighs saying," If I were to guess, my little burst of chaos last night created it from all the grime, crumbs, and lint in that disgusting carpet you had."

Thats probably the best I am going to- wait... "What chaos burst?" I ask confused.

"Oh, I guess seeing it must have frazzled your poor little mind and now you are repressing it. Let us not continue this line of conversation for fear of a relapse." Yeah, I bet. We start walking. Where? Who knows? More importantly, who cares?

I stop and look back, I don't see the apartment, or the smoke from the fire. It looks like I am beyond the point of no return. Discord looks back at me. He stops and walks back to me. We stare into each others eyes.

~Oh great, a homo moment.~

"Don't think of it as being homeless Ashton." He grabs my shoulder and smiles. "Think of it as an adventure."

I couldn't help but give a little chuckle. "Whatever." We start walking again.

I take a look where we are. All the buildings a decrepit and they look abandoned. All the cars on the street have broken windows, and I hear cop sirens. This does not bode well. I think we have stumbled upon the bad part of old town. I laugh a bit. The worst that could happen here is someone begging us for change. I hear a shrill harsh voice behind me. "Stop right there, I have a gun."

~You were saying?~

%!@#$!

~Stop that.~

Discord turns around smiling slyly. Ha, Discord can totally handle this, what am I sweating about? Discord sees the mugger behind me and gasps. Well crap. Breathe in. Breathe out. Okay then. I turn around.

~Holy shit! This can't be good.~

I give a sigh of relief. I don't know why Discord is so shocked to see this girl, since he hasn't really gone outside yet, except for that block party, which doesn't really count. She does look like a punk though. You can tell she has big daddy issues, I mean, blue and orange hair? And that yellow jacket? Jeeze, her only redeeming quality are those silver eyes of her. Kinda pretty really... I think I'll call her Bright Eyes.

"Give me all your money..." She looks at me. "Who the fuck are you looking at, bitch?!"

End of Day 1: A bar named There

There is no one on the other end, is there?

No one is reading these letters, or if they are, they don’t care about helping me. No one is going to help me get out of here. I’m going to be stuck here, alone, with nothing to do. Forever.

But you know what?
(Not that there is a “you” out there.)

I think I can use this time alone. Maybe get my head straight. Maybe if I write this down on paper, it’ll actually make sense.

Probably not, but at least it’s something to do.

Now that I have decided that these letters aren’t actually reaching anyone, I’m going to ease up on this stupid past tense I’ve been using for the recounting of last week.

Continuing after the part where I blacked in the Here.

Coming to felt only slightly less worse than how I felt before passing out. Every bone, muscle, and thought ached as I lay on a cold wooden floor. I was content to just stay on the floor for a moment while I gave myself a small survey.

Please rate your current experience, from one being the best, to ten being the worst.

Forty. Can I please go home?

Do you know where you are?

No. Can I please go home now?

Are you having suicidal thoughts?

No, but I am having thoughts of home.

What would you like the most right now.

A nice, cold glass of Coke.

Please rate your current experience, from one being the best, to ten being the worst.

Forty? Um… somethings not right.

Do you know where you are?

Somewhere strange, no doubt.

I stopped answering the questions that were popping up in my head once I realized that I wasn’t the one asking them, and I opened my eyes to find out what was. It was a room, dimly lit by lamps hanging on a high ceiling. There were a few tables and a bar in the center of the room. Featureless knickknacks adorned the wall; it was too dark to see any real detail.

Here. For one, nothing was moving, for the most part, as my eyes adjusted to the gloom. Nothing was shifting, changing, turning, or rattling at all. Which is just how I like my inanimate objects.

Secondly, it was warm. Not the savory kind of warm of a fireplace on winter’s day, mind you, but the dreary kind that settles over you like hot sleet, which is just the thing after being in Here, where there was neither warmth or cold, just a neutral, bland feeling of nothingness.

What was disconcerting about the bar was its occupants. There wasn’t any clear way to describe them without using the word ghostly, or unreal. They weren’t transparent or anything, but the key feature about them was a lack of features. Yes, they had faces, hair, clothes, and everything, but at the same time they were nothing. I’m not writing that they didn’t have faces or anything, that they were just “blanks”, because that would imply that something could be added to make them look real.

The best way I can describe them would be to give “you” an example.

If you’ve ever laid awake in bed at night, just as you are about fall asleep, you might begin to notice strange things in your room. Creatures laying on the covers, small squirming things leaning on the edge of the bed near your feet, or a tall figure looming over you just as you shut your eyes.

If you let these monsters scare you, let them rouse you from your sleep, and make you scramble out of your comfy bed for the nearest light switch to reveal these invaders, you will find that they were only a bulge in the cover, or a tossed pillow, or a poster on your wall. And after catching your breath, you’ll laugh to yourself and realize that it was only your imagination getting the better of you.

An effect called Sleep Paralysis, where your brain is dreaming, but you are still awake leading to hallucinations that you usually never remember.

But the things I saw weren’t pillows or toys or anything whose silhouette could be mistaken for something else in the dark. They formed their own silhouettes, ones created from the outlines of nothingness, outlines which are filled with more nothingness until it could almost be called a something. But it’s still only nothing pretending it’s something.

Are you having suicidal thoughts?

One of them was staring at me. Its mouth was moving in sync with the words in my head.

What would you like most right now? It “said”.

“To get as far away as possible from you.” I said, actually speaking.

It nodded in an unnerving kind of way and walked away. While I was relieved that it wasn’t staring at me, I still felt horrible after what Discord did to me.

My still head felt like it was full of thick silly putty, which gave me the gnawing feeling that he still might be screwing with me. I walked around the bar, and was actually surprised to end up in the same spot I started in. It gave me hope that Discord wasn’t behind this since, if he was, I would have ended up on the ceiling half way through.

I passed a few of the tables and ‘heard’ a few of those things ‘talk’

She left me, I can’t believe she actually left me.

Thirty years! Thirty years and they up and fire me!

What am I going to tell my kids…

It should have been me.

I’ve lost everything.

Why me?

Why me?

Why me?

It went on and on, and the funny thing was, there were more voices than there were speakers. While I was actually walking around something resembled a bustling pub, it was more like swimming in a sea of humming radios. While unpleasant, it could have been much worse.

Amongst the buzz I asked myself an important question, one that was vital for me to answer if I had any hope of getting out of here.

Where is Discord?

A nearby grouping of those Things parted like the Red Sea, revealing the Spirit of Chaos. He was sitting in a booth by himself, surrounded by empty glasses which probably had chocolate milk in them at one point or, knowing Discord, will fill themselves with chocolate milk at any moment.

He was busy fiddling with a box of napkins and had a sour expression on his face. I wordlessly slid into the other side of the booth to get a closer look at what he was doing. He scrunched, tore, folded, and methodically placed each napkin from the box into an ever growing ball of paper. What it was supposed to be, I didn’t have the faintest clue.

So after watching him work in silence for a while I finally asked, “What’cha doin?”

To which he said, “Something,” without even bothering to look up from the ball.

“What kind of something?” I said in return, asking one of the most annoying questions one could ask somebody who was busy just for the sake of being busy.

Discord sighed and put the ball aside. He rolled his eyes as the napkins in the box beside him begun to move to the ball by themselves, folding into little boots that marched into the white sphere.

“What do you want Ashton?” he wearily asked, leaning on the table with his elbows.

I thought about what I actually wanted. Then I thought about what I could actually get from Discord and said, “I’d like to know where we are this time.”

“We are There.”

“And?” I asked, waiting for him to continue.

He loudly groaned and wiped his face with his hand. “This is where all your world’s bitter frustration funnels into, where it will then simmer until it becomes something else.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” I asked, mystified.

He thumped the table and rubbed his eyes before answering, “Ashton, I am not going spend what would be the better part of a decade explaining the metaphysical zeitgeist phenomenon at work around you!” He sighed again, and I realized that he looked rather upset.

I stopped pushing the subject, and asked about another pressing issue. Said issue being the one that was quite literally, pressing on my mind like a heavy wet sack of fudge.

“Mind talking about what happened in the Here?”

Discord grabbed one of the glasses and undrank some milk. “Yes, but I suppose we are going to talk about it regardless.”

“Yep. Did you really need to do that to me? I feel so violated!” I said, starting to get angry at the recollection of what happened. Making me fall off The Empire State building was one thing, but forcing me to relive my memories was almost unforgivable.

“Not violated enough it seems,” he quietly said to himself.

“Pardon?!” I yelled at Discord, who was staring at me pensively, like I was some kind of strange painting.

“You weren’t supposed to remember that part, but if it makes you feel better, I skipped over most of the unimportant parts until I realized you had almost nothing to offer.”

“Oh sure that makes me feel so much better,” I said in sarcastic relief, slightly miffed that he thought I was mostly useless. He hadn’t even looked through the parts involving the Equestrians before deciding to give up. “My head feels like it’s full of lead lint, but at least you know how we met now!” After my complaint, I backtracked through what he said and asked, “What do you mean I was supposed to forget about that? Is there something special about me?”

Discord laughed and said,” You? Special?! Hah! Do you think you are the Chosen One, Ashton?” He was too busy laughing to talk for a few moments. “Hah! Really, Ashton, you’re not even remotely special. No, you are merely coincidental, if only because accidents require somepony to make them and fate isn’t that silly.” He grabbed one of the napkin boots and wiped his teary eyes and said, “In fact I’m certain that this whole mess is coincidental.”

With my ego thoroughly stabbed, I twiddled my thumbs and asked, “So, where do we go from here?”

I really should have asked how I was able to remember what he did, but I guess it wasn’t really important to me at the time. I also doubt that Discord would have told me at any rate.

I actually saw Discord’s opinion of me plummet as he spoke loudly and slowly, punctuating each word with gestures. “We… were… just… at… Here… Now… we… are… in… There.”

I had kinda walked into that one, didn’t I?

I tried to rephrase my question. “Where are we going to next?”

“Oh, somewhere,” he said dismissively.

“Just to be clear, do you mean somewhere, or Somewhere?”

“Somewhere,” he answered, leading me nowhere.

“Alright.” I started to tap on the table while I came up with something else to say. I decided on idle chit-chat. “So… what do you think of this place?”

To which he gave a small huff and replied, “It’s cramped, crowded, and the service is horrible.” He took another undrink and continued. “Most Theres are. I find that they are the best places to check my priorities.”

“But I can barely tell which thoughts are mine in he-There!” I yelled, before I remembered that the bar was actually silent, and that all the voices were in my head. But since Discord was aware of them too, I could actually tell myself that I wasn’t crazy and not burst out laughing.

He gave me another one of those looks that implied that I was the weird one in this conversation. “Yes, but the thoughts that you can tell that are yours are the ones that actually matter.”

So I tried it out, and paid close attention to which of my thoughts were actually mine and not a voice from one of those things around us. It was harder than you’d think. Only three of my actual thoughts stood out from the teeming buzz of grief around me.

What’s up with Discord?

Why does my head feel like a water balloon?

and

Why hasn’t Crazy Voice chimed in with some kind of snarky comment yet?

I decided that Discord was actually right about this place. It was the best place to clear your facts straight, in a strange, roundabout way. So I followed through with these thoughts and tried to find out what was wrong with the Spirit of Chaos. I couldn’t go right out and ask, because that would be rude, so I was going to beat around the bush.

Then again, it’s quite rude to invade someone's personal memories like Discord did, but that must have slipped my mind at the time.

“There is kind of a strange name for this place, don’t you think?” I asked, resorting to more idle talk while I thought of something else to say.

He stared at the glass in his hand, reminiscing, “There was the second place I found one, and once you give something like this a name, it’s rather hard to call it anything else.” He took another undrink and looked back at me. “To refer to There as anything but, would just feel wrong.”

“Tell me about it.” Crazy Voice said bitterly. I didn’t really know what its problem was, Crazy Voice was a great name to give to a hallucination. It cuts directly to the point.

It didn’t occur to me that I had actually heard Crazy Voice talk until Discord spoke to it. “Ah, it’s nice to put a face to the voice.”

I turned till I was suddenly face to face with Crazy Voice. Everything went silent, even the “voices” from those things that were around us, all of which were now looking at our booth, which was totally not terrifying, honest.

It took awhile for the pin to drop, but when it did, my frightened fear spazzing knocked over most of Discord’s glasses, which then proceeded to unspill from the table.

“I- ah- er…” I stammered in panic while Crazy Voice loomed over me. It still looked the same way since the last time I saw It. It was still wearing a shabby black suit and had on the same creepy tiki mask with red glowing eyes.

Crazy Voice looked around and remarked, ”This place is a dump.”

Discord was irked at being ignored and said, “Yes, all sorts of trash ends up here.”

Crazy Voice stared at Discord, and Discord stared at Crazy Voice. And then they both started to stare at me because I was still sputtering at Crazy Voice.

“Uh, um, bu-...” I continued before lamely saying, “but you’re not supposed to be real…”

“Really, Ashton?” Crazy Voice said, dumbfounded. “What about that time before you turned a dingo?” It started to get angry. “And what about all my constant comments?! Those weren’t real enough for you?” It was yelling now. “I mean, I am right her-” Then it suddenly stopped yelling and looked at its hands. Then it looked back at me. Then Discord, and back to me before taking a long look around the bar.

It chuckled a bit, and then screamed, “I’m free! I’m actually free!” and started to run around the bar like a particularly lively headless chicken.

Discord and I watched Crazy Voice do cartwheels for a while before he asked me a question. “Why wouldn’t you think he was real? I would have thought that even you would know he isn’t a run of the mill hallucination, from what you remember last week”

Why was I so surprised at Crazy Voice’s appearance? Well, I guess after telling myself that it wasn’t real, I started to believe myself, but I wasn’t going to tell Discord this and lose more face. So I avoided the question.

“Don’t go personifying it by giving it a gender, or I’ll never get rid of him.”

Did I just call it a him? Damn it…

“It’s a little too late for that, I think.” Crazy voice was now hopping along the bar tables. “I’m rather surprised you had enough focus to do it.” Discord said, looking at me now.

“What?” I exclaimed, “I didn’t bring him here!” Though, there was this nagging feeling of doubt in the back of my mind, which managed to slip into my voice.

Must have been forced out by whatever Discord left in my head, I thought to myself. I then thought that this thought was rather strange to think, but this thought was almost drowned out by the voices from those things, so I decided that it wasn’t that important.

“You know, I actually believe that,” he said, giving me a weird, appraising look before turning back to Crazy Voice, who looked like he was starting to lose steam. “Yes, it must be because of this There. It’s so stagnant with bitterness, that it would be a snap for your friend to appear here.”

“So what are they?” I said, finally asking about the bars mysterious patrons.

“Them?” He gestured toward the weird things. I nodded and he continued, “They're nothing.”

I refused to back down this time. “I’m not going to accept that. What are they, Discord?”

He sighed and undrank the first of his chocolate milks. “Have you ever seen an optical illusion where you are staring at box in a corner, and there are two ways of seeing it?” He raised his glass face and continued, “On one hand, it’s just a box in a corner. Nothing special there of course, but…” He placed the glass against the wall our booth was next to, where it suddenly disappeared, leaving a glass shaped hole in the wall. “on the other hand it’s a box shaped hole in a corner. Although that’s just as boring, unlike them.” He gestured toward the patrons and finished with, “That’s what they are; holes by themselves.”

Actually, that’s a much better description than mine isn’t it?

Let’s just pretend I said that, and move on.

“But why are they here?” I asked, actually interested in where this conversation was going.

Discord loudly groaned. “Ashton…” He looked at me strangely for a while, and then rolled his eyes. “Ugh, well… Hmm… you see…” He took a while to think about it. “Ah! You see, nothing can live in a place like this, like what you see here is all of what There is.” He waved one of his arms toward the rest of the bar. “but some places, like There, needs residents to complete them, or they won’t work. A ‘bar’,” he said, using air quotes, “needs someone to drink at them, otherwise it’s just a well boozed cabinet.” He chuckled at his little joke. “While they aren’t exactly real, it’s good enough as long as no one calls too much attention to the farce.”

I felt a rising sense of dread. “Like what we are doing right now?”

“Oh, this chat we are having? It’s fine to talk like this in There.” He flapped his hand dismissively and continued. “As long as you follow the procedure in this kind of place everything will be just fine, and we are just having a nice barroom chat in a bar. A bar full of ghostly placeholders, but a bar nonetheless.”

I relaxed a little, and was about to make some snide comment about how Discord was so good at acting normal when it hit me.

People usually don’t run around a bar screaming their heads off while doing cartwheels.

It must have hit Discord as well, because we both swung our heads around to find Crazy Voice. He was on the floor, gasping for air. He looked like a wooden fish out of water, which would have been funny if I had been paying much attention. No, I was staring at the things that were around him. They were fizzling, becoming harshly and red. Our booth shook and more milk was unspilt. The bar walls were closing in on us, and their decorations were starting to look dangerously sharp. The voices were screaming incoherent phrases.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo!

The horse raced past the barn fell.

Gooses! Get the gooses!

It’s poison! It’s all poison!

Do it, Mr. Dewitt!

And suddenly the lights went out, plunging There into total darkness. It was a tense five seconds before the lights returned, showing that all was well. The voices resumed their aimless chatting and those things returned to their places.

Discord gave a sigh of relief and undrank another glass of milk. “That could have been much worse.” He leaned toward Crazy voice and said, “Are you quite done yet?”

“What *huff* are they?” Crazy Voice struggled to say.

Discord groaned, but before he could respond, Crazy Voice coughed, and rephrased his question, “I mean, what are you supposed to call them?”

“Oh, well I suppose you could call them… Quantum Ghosts.”

“Did you come up with that name yourself?” I asked. I was kind of doubtful since it was actually a good name for them.

“I bet not. If you had, they’d probably be named Them.”

Discord was nonplussed. I was twitchy with anticipation at what he would do to Crazy Voice.

Is he going to turn him into a toad?

Pull him inside out?

No I bet he’s going to turn him into a rock.

Oh boy, I hope turns him into a toad.

But instead of doing any of those things, Discord sighed and took another undrink.

Crazy Voice turned his attention back to me. “Now to do what I have wanted to do for a very, very long time.”

He backhanded me out of the booth, and begun what must have been the longest, most hate-filled, well-enunciated, and from-the-heart confession of absolute loathing this side of the universe.

At least until I see Garrett again. Then, what I’ll do to him will make what Crazy Voice did look like a delightful serenade.

Now, I’m not going to write what Crazy Voice actually said, because whenever I try to, the letter always combusts.

His little speech was so vile that some of the nearby quantum ghosts fizzled, and even Discord was disgusted. Although, it probably wasn’t just because of what Crazy Voice had said, since he was struggling to undrink his, now curdled, chocolate milk as fast as possible.

“Euagh!” He spat, looking a bit angry, but mostly nauseous. He gave Crazy Voice a long hard stare before saying,” You still aren’t worth the trouble.”

“And why not?” I asked, rubbing my sore cheek as I got back into the booth. I wouldn’t have been that opposed to Discord turning Crazy Voice into a pillar of hummus after that little tongue lashing. I asked another one of my many stupid questions. “Are you out of magic or something?”

Crazy Voice and Discord looked at each other, and then they both looked at the ball of napkins, which had taken over the other half of the table. Then they looked back at each other in a look of mutual loathing, that was eclipsed by their mutual annoyance at me.

“Guess I’d go with ‘something’ then?” I muttered to myself.

Discord sighed again. “That isn’t how magic works…” He said, facepalming. “I could deal with your friend h-”

“He’s not my friend!” Crazy Voice and I said in unison. We glanced awkwardly at each other as Discord continued.

“Mmmhm, as I was saying,” he relaxed into his seat, “I could do all manner of fun things to you two idiots, but you could say I’ve sprained my…” he air-quoted, ”’magic’ muscles, and I don’t want to do any ‘heavy lifting’.” He put his hands back down. “I’m just going to take it easy. After all, it’s not like I have to worry about anything here.”

While we bitterly hated each other, Crazy Voice and I certainly shared a deep connection. We didn’t have to look at each other, or, and this is the important part, without having to actually agree to not tell Discord about the ponies.

“So, you just came to There to wait until you can go back to Equestria?” I said, trying to subtly hint at the fact that so far after getting his powers back he has:

Teleported me off of the side of The Empire State Building.

Brainwashed three cubicle jockeys.

Brought us to two places that no right existing.

and

Just undrank a dozen glasses of Chocolate Milk.

But I guess that doesn’t count as ‘heavy lifting’ to Discord.

“I’m sure Earth is fun and all, but once I feel up to it I’m going straight back to Equestria. Messing with ponies never gets old. As for waiting here at There, well…” He waggled his hand a bit. “eh, I don’t think I will.” He smiled. “In fact, I’m going to throw caution to the wind, and let you choose where we’re going to go next!” He flicked the giant ball of napkins, which bloomed into a globe of the world. The weird thing about it though, was that were a few land masses that I’ve never seen before.

“You’re joking,” I said in disbelief.

“What? You don’t trust me?” he said with a hurt look on his face.

I shook my head. “No. Not one bit.”

“Well, what can I do to make you trust me?” he asked with a smile, which did the exact opposite of reassuring me.

“Wow, how forward of you!” I said jokingly, “At least buy me dinner.”

He shrugged. “Alright. You want to eat anywhere particular?”

I was dumbfounded. “Oh… gee, I didn’t know you swung that way.”

Discord had a puzzled expression. “Pardon?”

“He thinks you’re homosexual.” Crazy Voice bluntly pointed out, much to my ire.

It was Discord’s turn to be dumbfounded. Discord, as in, the Spirit of Chaos, was completely confused for once. “But… but it’s just dinner…”

And on that painfully awkward note, I’ll end this note. See y...

Oh right. No one is reading this.

Feeling extremely awkward, signing this,
Ashton Thomas