Ballad of the Cane
How dare she. How dare she! We could have been great, could have toppled Discord and Cadance and Luna and Celestia, all without batting an eyelash! We could have brought this town to its knees without much more than a single thought! For so long, I waited in the shadows, always her dirty little secret, always hastily shoved out of sight whenever somepony so much as walked past the door, but I was always the one she turned to when things got rough. To Tartarus with Smarty Pants, to Tartarus with her journals and diaries and stash of strange romance fanfictions of children’s shows, it was me she turned to for comfort when it mattered most. Me!
...Jealous? Why would you say I am jealous? Jealous of what? The only thing she cares about almost as much as me is that overgrown purple lizard that follows her around everywhere, and I’ve never seen him turn tricks with little more than a glare.
Me, jealous. Preposterous. I-I’m not jealous.
Really, I’m not!
Stop saying that! Look, if I explain exactly why I can’t be jealous, will you stop?
Good. It started almost a year before Twilight moved to Ponyville...
_--_--_--_
There I was, a strapping cane, just minted and pressed. My flat end was sticking up, missing a topper to keep from scuffing my gilded paint. I was in a barrel with other brother-canes -- there are no sister pimp canes -- when I heard the bell ring. Of course, I couldn’t see anything, it was dark, but some dopey guy started talking to The Owner.
“Morning!” the dopey guy said in a chipper voice.
“Mornin’” The Owner replied in his gruff voice. I had only been there for a day, but I could tell this dopey guy was bothering Owner.
“So, my little sister’s birthday is in a couple days, and I’m looking for a present for her,” dopey guy continued.
Owner didn’t speak for a moment, waiting for the “customer” to continue his thought. “...Kay...?”
“So, I was kind of wondering if you guys sold,” dopey guy snickered, “sold some sort of cane?”
“Mmm, yeah. She hurt or somethin’?” I don’t think Owner was really listening, because his voice was turned back towards us, probably surveying the barrels of varied cane styles.
“Nonono, nothing like that! She’s just having some money problems and I thought,” he paused again to snicker, “thought I could get her like, a pimp cane or something as a joke.”
“Yeah, I got just the thing.” As soon as Owner stopped speaking, I felt myself being lifted from the barrel and left on the counter. Finally, I could see everything. I saw Owner. an older graying stallion, on one side of the counter. Most of the shop was clean and shiny, with a bunch of nicknacks and other crap lying around haphazardly--nothing nearly as classy as a cane.
Dopey guy was actually a white stallion. He looked kinda military, but I guess he could have been some junkie who got off on working out. His butt picture was some sort of shield looking thing, I think. It was hard to tell the way he kept wiggling around when he talked. “Oooh, that’s perfect! But the end...”
“What about it?” Owner asked, crossing his forehooves. “It’s a pimp cane. You put that end on the ground.”
“Well, yeah, but... I was hoping for something a little more... personal, I guess,” dopey said.
Owner scratched at the graying hairs on the base of his chin with a hoof. “Hmm... well, ya got a picture or somethin’ of her?”
“Uh, I think so, hold on...” Dopey stuck his snout into a saddlebag and dug around for a moment before pulling out a small square of paper. I think it was a picture, but all I could see was a splotch of purple from my position.
“Alrigh’. For another fifty bits, I can have a bust of her head molded onto the other end. She won’t be able to use it as a cane, but it’ll work for what chu want.”
“F-Fifty bits? How much is the cane?” Dopey asked. Honestly, I was more worried what was about to be molded onto my ass.
“With your modification, I can let it go for just short of four-fifty,” Owner replied.
Dopey’s already pale face dropped another few shades. “I-I-I don’t know if--” Before he could finish, the bell above the door dinged, and a pink unicorn walked in.
“There you are, Shiny,” the newcomer said. “What are you doing in here?”
“I was going to get Twily a joke present, but I don’t think it’s a good idea, really...”
“Sounds good to me.” The pink pony turned towards Owner, revealing her wings to me. “What are we going with?” she asked the shopkeep.
“Gold cane,” Owner said, motioning towards my majestic form, “with a bust of yer girl on the end.”
The pink pony nodded slowly. “Sounds good. How much?”
“Come on, Cadence, I don’t think--” Dopey said, but Owner interrupted him.
“It’s gonna run about four hun’red fifty bits, Your Majesty.”
With a soft rustle, a hot pink bag of bits flew from her single saddlebag and dropped with a torrent of clinking on the rough marble counter. “Four hundred and fifty bits. Delivered to my chambers in the castle in two days.”
Dopey’s eye twitched. “Cadence, you just... but...”
“What? You wanted to get her a present, right? Don’t worry about it. Come on, you still owe me lunch.” Dopey nodded and slowly left the store.
You know, this mare was pretty awesome. But, more importantly, I was finally getting out of that barrel!
As soon as the door closed behind Dopey, the pink pony turned back to Owner. “Don’t forget to put the bust on the cane too.”
I hate her.
_--_--_--_
It is worth pointing out that, despite how un-pimp it is, I dislike the dark. So, when Owner stuck me in a box, without a nightlight, I might add, to have the head of some mare melted onto my ass, I was not a happy cane. The surgery itself wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined. They gave me some really loopy, like, gas or something, and I blacked out. When I woke up, I was back in a box -- still nightlight-less -- where I sat. Forever. Like, seriously. I thought this box was my coffin.
Then it started moving again. There were voices and laughter outside the box, but I couldn’t hear.
And right when I thought it couldn’t get worse, the bastard carrying my box dropped it.
I probably sat for another few minutes before my box started to move again. “What’s this?” The voice was faint, girly, kind of cute. Was she my new owner?
“Just open it.” Oh, Goddess, it was Dopey. “It’s a present from Cadence and I.”
“No, just Shiny.” That voice was the Pretty Pink Pony Princess. “I have another present for you.”
The top of my box wobbled a bit, then cracked open, letting in a sliver of light. Oh, light, sweet, sweet light, I missed you so much! Mwah! And what was this? An eye, light purple in color, poking in on my black prison. It squinted and moved around before catching sight of my glorious form. “It’s a scepter?” asked the voice from before. The lid of my box was finally removed, and I floated out in a comfortable lavender glow.
“No, it’s a cane,” Dopey replied. He was sitting with the PPPP on a small couch across a table from me and my new master. Books were everywhere. On every piece of furniture, stacked on the floor in neat piles, I’m pretty sure I even spotted one sitting in the sink of a kitchenette. A pimp she was not. Then again, I hadn’t worked my moves on her yet. “You know, like a pimp cane.”
“A pimp cane?” I didn’t even have to look to see the unamused expression on my new owner’s face. “I know that the Princess is pulling some of my funding, but I don’t think it’s going to be that bad. Thanks though, Shiny. I think it’s lovely. Though the expression on my face is a little... odd...”
Anything else that may have happened, I missed, because I got stuck back into the box. Great.
...And what’s wrong with the expression on my butt?
_--_--_--_
Shortly after my third, and hopefully final, banishment into the dark, I fell asleep. I was ripped from my dreams of purple fur cloaks and questionably clad mares by the lid being removed from my box, and my body being launched into the air. The room I was in originally was gone, replaced by some sort of bedroom. Before I could get a good look around, a big lavender head filled my vision.
She didn’t say anything, or even move except for her eyes. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Honey, I know I’m sexy, but it’s impolite to stare.”
I watched in glee as she jumped back, wide eyes raking the rom. “H-Hello? Is someone there?”
“Down here. You just spent the last ten minutes ogling me. Care to share your thoughts?”
Slowly, the purple pony moved over towards where she dropped me. “S-Shining? Did you do something, is this a trick?”
I waited for her to get a little closer before responding. “Nope, just your brand new pimp cane, awaiting orders. Where do we go first?”
“Go?” She scratched her head with a hoof. “Wait.... you can talk?”
“Yes’m. I have been blessed with the Spirit of the Pimp, to better help you expand your empire on the streets.”
“But... but you’re a cane.” She plopped down onto the floor, bringing herself to my level.
“And you’re a midget, purple horse living in a castle. Your point?” I’m going to be honest, I first thought she was rather smart, and with all the books she had the cute librarian thing going on, but now...
I must’ve struck a nerve, because she jumped up and immediately began looking herself over. “I”m not short, I’m the perfect average height for my age.”
“Well you sure as hell aren’t a freakishly tall blue or white pretty princess,” I retorted.
“Blue...?” The purple unicorn scratched her head for a moment. “Anyway... my name is Twilight Sparkle. Do you have a name, or do I need to name you?”
“N-Name me?” I spluttered, indignant. “Do I look like some kinda pet to you? For the love of pimp, filly, just stick me in a cage and feed me every few hours, why don’t you!” ...Wait, do I have a name?
Twilight’s ears drooped down. “That’s not what I meant, I just didn’t know if--”
“Sheesh, always assumin’...” If I had eyes, I would have rolled them. “You can call me...” Name, name, name, I need a name! “Call me Kanya.”
“Caneya?” she repeated. “What?”
“No, you’re saying it wrong. It’s Cane, like, cane, and then yeah.”
“Kanya. Isn’t that kind of a strange name?”
I scoffed. “No. See, Kane sounds awesome, and the ya at the end is so you answer for me, so I don’t have to pay attention.”
That earned me one helluva deadpan look. I swear, the eyebrows on this filly are really expressive. And fast. “I’m not calling you that, it’s stupid.”
“Aww, come on!” I whined. “It’ll save me the trouble of paying attention!”
“I’ll call you Kane, but that’s it.”
“But--” I tried.
“That’s it.” She plopped back down on the ground and crossed her forehooves. That pout... so damn cute.
“Fine.”
“Twilight,” a sleepy voice called from out of my line of sight, “who’reya talking to...?”
“Nopony, Spike. Go back to sleep,” I heard before the lid of my box was quickly shut again. It’s gotta be said, I’m really wishing I would have had a flashlight melted onto my ass instead of this filly’s head. This is getting just a little ridiculous.
_--_--_--_
The box has started to open! Let me out!
I tried to jump, then remembered I have no limbs, and actually can’t move myself. Damn, so close. Okay, plan B..
“Hello?” I called, “who's there?”
“Shhh,” Twilight called into my box. “Don’t wake up Spike.”
“Stop leaving me in a damn box then. It’s dark in there, and I don’t like it.”
Twilight smirked. “You’re afraid of the dark?”
“No, of course not! I’m afraid of not-pimping.” Close call, she almost learned my only weakness.
“I still don’t understand. You keep talking about ‘pimping,’ why?” I was levitated out of my box and was moved to the bed. Twilight propped me up against the headboard, settling herself down across from me in a rather comfortable looking position on her legs.
“Honey, I’m a pimp cane. My job is to make you into the best pimp-ette you can be. So, what are we looking at here? Some kind of palace ring? Classy escorts for the well-to-do? Or maybe just classic whorsehouses in the lower districts?” Twilight just stared at me with a blank expression. “Girl, your tricks. What kind of operation are you running?”
“T-Tricks...? I can do some magic stuff. It isn’t really impressive, but I’ve been working on some things alongside my studies,” she replied. “But I don’t have any kind of escorts anywhere, or any rings... And what’s a whorsehouse?”
“That’s funny, Twilight, now come on, whatcha got.” She blinked. “...You’re serious, aren’t you.” I sighed. “Look, what I know how to do, what Dope--er, that white stallion bought me to help you do goes down a little something like this...”
I really don’t know what time it was when Twilight pulled me from my box, but I’m pretty sure the sun was starting to peek through the clouds -- and books -- by the time I was done talking. Pimp 101, what it was, and the basics of how to do it. All that was left was to set the hook. Bits, and butts, if that was something she was interested in.
“What!?” Twilight shrieked. Immediately, she clapped her forehooves over her mouth and peeked at a basket lying near the bed. “Why would somepony do that,” she continued in a much quieter tone. “For that matter, why would somepony sell... themselves like that?”
“Well, it depends. Escorts often don’t do anything other than accompany ponies on dates and whatnot, but working mares often don’t have a choice. Wouldn’t it be good of us to help those who don’t have a choice, to make their difficult lives just a little easier?” I asked, trying to persuade her. If this didn’t work, I was going to be one bored cane. “Besides, you could make some nice money on the side, to offset the money you’re going to lose from the princess. A little bit of extra money never hurts, too.”
“As sure as I am your face is on my ass,” I replied.
“Wait... what? You’re upside down,” she asked, horrified. “But you’ve been like that since we started talking.”
“Yeah. If I had blood or a brain for it to rush to, this would kind of suck.” The second I was finished talking, I felt myself lifted into the air and placed right-side-up.
“I...I guess, if we’re helping ponies...” Yes! I did it! I’m the best motherfu-- “We can start tomorrow night. I have a test tomorrow and I need to get to sleep. Good night, Kane.”
...And I’m back in the box. The mood is officially killed.
_--_--_--_
“A.. Are you sure this will work, Kane?” Twilight asked me.
“Aww yeah, filly, you look great.”
“No I don’t,” she replied, running a hoof over the brim of her hat. “I look ridiculous.”
“Nah, you look like a pimp.”
I caught Twilight’s look as she turned to face me. A large, fluffy cloak trimmed in white rested on her back, covering everything below her neck. A large golden chain secured it around the base of her neck. On her head rested a wide-brimmed hat, a single purple feather tucked into the side. “Ridiculous. Where did this stuff even come from, anyway?”
“I have ways.”
“But... you’re a cane. That can’t move. And was locked in a box all day.” She took a couple steps closer to me, making sure not to trip over the low-hanging cloak.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I replied, “I can’t move. So, pick me up, and let’s get started, shall we?”
Twilight lifted me into the air and moved me towards her back before pausing and looking at me over her shoulder. “How am I supposed to wear saddlebags over this? I saw the pocket for bits, but what about you?” she asked me with a puzzled expression.
“I am a cane, you can carry me. It is what I was meant for.” With my pimply body held loosely in her magic grip, Twilight moved towards the door. Through it we slipped, and by way of servant tunnels and backdoors, found ourselves outside. It was a slightly longer walk to the seedier parts of Canterlot, especially since Twilight refused to leave alleys in case somepony saw her. Women and their fashion problems... She wanted to be a pimp, I gave her the clothes, she hated it. This is why most pimps aren’t mares.
“Well, we’re here,” Twilight said, head and eyes darting around the dimly-lit street. “Now what?”
“Well, first off, stop looking like you’re going to get lynched any second.” Quick as she could, Twilight stood up straight, though her eyes still darted around occasionally. “Now just walk around for a bit; ya know, strut like you own the place. I’ll look around, and try to find us a good first target... Unless you already have a trick.”
“....N... No,” she mumbled.
“Then start walkin’, filly. I’ll try to find a pony we can bully into our protection.” On my direction, my little purple pimp in training began walking the streets with the most adorably awkward gait that I’ve ever seen. I suppose it was supposed to be commanding and confident, though it looked to me more like the strut of a little filly bouncing with energy. Literally.
“What are you doing?” I whispered in her ear once I felt there wasn’t much of a crowd.
Twilight stopped and took a long look around. “I’m just walking like you said,” she whispered back.
“No, you’re prancing. I said strut.” Twilight didn’t respond, instead preferring to get moving again in a more normal manner. Now that my pimp wasn’t busy making herself look like an idiot, I was able to turn my attention to the delectable looking mares on the street.
Except for the small problem that there weren’t many. Sure there were plenty of mares, but I didn’t see any who looked like they might be accepting of our proposal. Of all the... wait! There! “Did you see that mare who just walked into the alley?” I whispered to Twilight. “Go wait there, I have a plan.”
That plan, for the record was flawless. There wasn’t a single thing wrong with, “wait for stallion to leave alley, enter, and ‘convince’ the working girl that a partnership with my mare was the best option, applying cane to face if necessary until acquiescence.”
Of course, I just couldn’t be that lucky. It only took a minute for Twilight to start to get all nervous and twitchy again.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Well, it took almost a full minute longer, but Twilight finally voiced her concern. “I mean, maybe this whole pimp thing is just a mistake. I’m a scholar, I like books. I’ve never even... ya know... had a kiss.”
A sheltered bookworm without her first kiss? Shocker. “A kiss? Filly, if my plan works, you’ll be able to get a kiss from the bloody Princess herself, to say the least.”
Twilight’s expression shifted to one of shock, though if it was from my words of the massive blush on her face, I don’t know. I don’t care, it was frickin’ funny. “D-Don’t talk like that! It’s...”
“It’s what?” I jumped in the second she hesitated. “Improper? Salacious? Dirty? Sexy? Exactly what you were mumbling about in your sleep last night?” If I had eyebrows, they would be waggling right now. “Come on, admit that it’s the nerves talking and just let me do my magic. In a month, tops, you’ll be running this city.”
Before Twilight could respond, a stallion left the alley. “Alright,” I whispered, “go in there and do exactly what I say...”
Under my direction, Twilight strode into the alley to see a single mare sitting on the ground, fumbling with a bundle of something. “Um, excuse me, uh, ma’am. Can I have a moment of your time?”
...What is she doing?
“What do you want, honey. I’m still cleaning up here,” the other mare replied, gesturing to the pile of things. “If you go back out and wait about five minutes, we can have a little fun then.”
Twilight blushed but soldiered on. “No, I actually have a potential alliance between us in which you give me a cut of your profit for protection and other mutually benefitting offers.”
Drop me. Just put me down and walk away. That isn’t even close to what I told you to say. You’re deviating from the bash-the-prostitute’s-head-in-until-surrender plan!
“Sorry, hun, I think I’ve got it handled. Now, if you aren’t here to play, can you leave?” the working mare asked, standing up and kicking a bundle of something into a small shed built into a wall.
Nope. We aren’t doing this. Sorry, Twilight, but Kane is taking over. “Alright, let me repeat myself, something you won’t want a second time,” I said, trying to pitch my voice to match Twilight’s. “Look, I’m just trying to help you out. Living on the streets is tough under normal circumstances, but this is the capital. There are so many laws against camping around like you do, and even more against your profession.”
I had her attention now, I just had to sell it. Hopefully, Twilight would deliver the clincher when I told her to.
“Let’s just be honest for a second,” I continued in my amazing Twilight voice. “You probably spend almost half of what you make on bribes anyway, right? Look, what’s your name?”
“Glimmer,” the other mare answered hesitantly.
“Alright, Glimmer.” My God, she even has a prostitute name. “For just a little more than you pay for bribes, I can take care of all that for you. For just a little more, not only will worrying about bribes to officers not happen anymore, but I can protect you. I’m guessing you live in this alley, and in that shed is also a bundle of bedding.”
Glimmer nodded.
“Well, if you worked well, I can get you into your own apartment. No more cold, no more rain, no more fighting other streetponies for your home and things. And protection. Ponies working under me only have to say the word and...”
Swing me! Stop standing there like an idiot and swing me!
Wind whistled through the molded mane on my ass as Twilight swung me into the wall. It hurt, really, really bad, but it worked brilliantly. When I came away, there was a chip missing from the wall.
“Just say the word, and I can take care of anypony bothering you,” Twilight finished. “So, what do you say?”
Glimmer stared at the chunk missing from the brick wall next to her. “And you say you can keep the guard off my back?”
“Better than you can.”
“Alright,” Glimmer replied, nodding, “I’ll do it.”
“Glad to hear it. Have half of your earnings sent to me for the last two days by the dawn of the third. Do not make me come after you.”
As Twilight turned to leave the alley, Glimmer called out to her. “Wait, who do I send the money to?”
“Twilight. Twilight Sparkle. Don’t forget it.”
Damn, they grow up so fast.
_--_--_--_
Jump ahead a few months. I had hoped something like this would happen. The time I spent hidden during the days were spent formulating solutions to problems we didn’t even have. I was focused, I was determined; I was ready to prove my brother-canes wrong, show them I wasn’t a failure. I was picked first, me! And I was doing a better job than any pimp cane had ever done before! You were wrong, Mom, you were wrong!
Ahem.
But never, not even in my little pimp cane wet dreams did I imagine I was going to be helping to run a pimp empire in the seat of our country, from the seat of our country.
I have no reason to sit down, I really see no purpose in it, but Twilight looked really happy on that golden throne.
“What’re we lookin’ at today, Twi?” I asked. My time to shine.
“Glimmer, what’s the report look like today?” Twilight asked. From near a pillar, Glimmer walked over, holding a clipboard in her mouth.
Arriving at the throne, Glimmer balanced the clipboard on an outstretched hoof. “It has been a very profitable day, Twilight. Let’s see...” She raked her eyes down the paper. “We gained two street girls on the south side. The mare who was kidnapped has been rushed through the guard, and is back on the street, with your mandated three day’s leave. Ummm... Oh, there was a stallion who tried to get touchy with an escort. Enforcers have already been dispatched, expected to report within the hour.”
“Send the mare who got kidnapped a fruit basket or flowers or something. Be nice, be supportive, make sure she understands she needs to be back out in the next three days,” I said with Twilight’s voice. “Is there anything else?”
Glimmer scanned her clipboard once again. “It looks like the Princess is waiting for you in your chambers.”
Twilight basically jumped out of her chair. “I shall attend to her immediately. Let me know if anything comes up.”
Glimmer bowed. “Of course.”
Taking a door behind a banner, we found ourselves back in the servant hallways. “You’re having too much fun with this,” I accused in a joking manner. “I mean, I know I said you could get a kiss from the princess, but this...”
“Hush,” Twilight responded with a light blush. “She started it, remember?”
“Yeah, after you mentioned you just might know something about her long-lost sister,” I replied with a laugh. “Hey, I’m not judging. You get your fantasy, I get to do my job brilliantly, everypony is happy.”
By the time I was finished teasing Twilight, we were at the door to her room. The guard standing outside saluted and swung the heavy slab of wood open, revealing the room beyond. Twilight quickly stepped through to the bedroom, where her visitor awaited.
Lying on Twilight’s bed, sporting a set of black lacy stockings and a wet mane was the princess herself. “Go on,” I whispered to a practically salivating Twilight, “have your fun. Don’t mind me, I’ll just be recording for the tabloids.”
I was then slid into my case, now lined with velvet, and we are going to pretend I went to sleep and heard nothing of the... interesting time that followed.
_--_--_--_
Of course, shortly after that, Twilight found that damn book about Nightmare Moon and was sent to Ponyville. Next thing I knew, I was packed up into a crate and shipped down to live in a damn tree. My Canterlot empire obviously disintegrated without my leadership, though the thing between Twilight and the princess still seems to be there. At least some good came of my work.
Naturally, I assumed that we would rebuild our empire here. That one mare, what was her name... Mumbles McGee? Shutterfly? The Animal Fetishest? The yellow one with the amazing ass and soft voice would have been worth her weight in bits, but nope. Twilight told me that she was ashamed of that life, and thought she was happy I set her up with the princess, she didn’t want to move it here; said she cared for her friends too much to subject them to that sort of life.
So, I sit in my box. Sure, Twilight takes me out and talks to me, and I’ve had some conversations with the princess, but I pretty much just sit there. It sucks, but I plan. Twilight has had a taste of the pimp life. And once you go pimp, you can’t go back. She’ll come back to me eventually.
I hope.
Author's Note
Well, look at that. It was... a thing. Um... I hope you enjoyed this thing, because I don't know if I'll ever do anything like it ever again. Does that mean I won't do a sequel? I might do, but not for awhile. I'm still stuck on how monstrously preposterous this is, and how fricking late it was to the Twilicane game. Doesn't matter. I'm rambling.
To recap. Late story, maybe some kind fo sequel spinoff thing sometime possibly eventually, and things. Hope you liked it.
--thehalfelf
