Twilight Eats a Peach and Invents the Universe

by Moog Prodigy

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Random
Length: 2037

After a mishap involving a scepter and a peach, Twilight gains the power to alter reality.

The almighty power vested in the holy Twilight Sparkle Scepter can turn a certain purple mare into a tyrannical freak.
One day, she goes to Applejack's house and demands that she try a new fruit the Apple family has.
Hilarity and trippy LSD-grade strangeness ensues.
---
This is my first fanfic ever. Tell me how I did.

CAVEATS:
1. This isn't meant to be taken seriously.
2. This was rushed. I had to get it in before the mods started blocking peach stories. (They haven't yet, but they probably will soon. Better safe than sorry.)

Published 2013-12-19 04:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-19 23:54:13 UTC

Chapter 1

It would have been a normal day in Ponyville. Note the usage of “would have been”, because today was not normal. The resident princess and librarian, Twilight Sparkle, had recently recovered a gold scepter bearing her royal head on top.
This wasn’t the first time this happened. Ever since the attack of the vines and the splitting of day and night, Twilight’s scepter, known in Ponyville as the “Twicane” (because they can’t tell the difference from a cane and a scepter), had become an anomaly, shifting in and out of existence as it pleased. Ponyvillians knew that they were to bow before the hallowed staff, lest they be smote by its almighty power.

Today was one of those days. Twilight, fueled by the mere existence of her scepter, marched imperially through the streets of Ponyville, a stern expression on her face. She followed the path to Sweet Apple Acres, where the Apple family resided. The violet mare had heard rumors that they had obtained a new fruit which was not native to Equestria. She reached the farm, and, as the princess had hoped, Applejack was there to greet her.

“Well, howdy, Twi-“ Applejack began, but immediately corrected herself upon seeing the royal scepter. Casual greetings were unacceptable in the presence of the scepter. “er, I mean, greetings, your royal highness!” Applejack bowed as she said these words.

“GREETINGS, APPLEJACK,” Twilight said in Traditional Canterlock, another side effect of the scepter, “THE CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE HAVE BEEN CONVERSING IN SECRET UPON THE POSSIBILITY THAT YOU ARE IN POSESSION OF A FRUIT FROM DISTANT LANDS. WE WISH TO VIEW AND TASTE SAID FRUIT FOR OURSELVES. REFUSE TO COMPLY, AND YOUR EXISTENCE SHALL BE PURGED!” The red gem on the bottom of the royal staff began to glow.

Applejack wasn’t taking any chances. You did not argue with Twilight when the Twicane was with her. “Er, um, yes! Right away, your sacredness!” The orange mare ran to the barn, with Twilight in regal pursuit. Applejack opened the barn, and continued into the center of the floor. A large crate rested there. The earth pony pushed the crate to the doorway, where the princess and the staff stood waiting. Applejack opened the crate. “They’re called ‘Peaches’, your highness,” she said.

Twilight peered into the crate. It contained an abundance of fruits. They had a vaguely similar shape to an apple, although they tapered off at the end. The color could best be described as “soft orange”, and the skins of the fruit were covered in a short fuzz. ‘such a strange fruit’, she thought as she observed them.

“ENOUGH OBSERVATION,” Twilight said after a few moments, “WE SHALL NOW TRY ONE OF THESE SO-CALLED PEACHES.” One peach in the crate found itself wrapped in a purple aura of energy. It levitated to the princess’ mouth, who took a modest bite out of the fuzzy fruit. She chewed slowly, her stern expression never leaving her face, taking in every note and flavor and hint of the peach. After nearly 30 seconds of chewing the first bite, she swallowed. Then she took another bite of the peach, and repeated the process.

And did it again.

And again.

Until the peach was gone.

Applejack had waited fearfully and patiently beside the crate the whole time. When twilight finished the peach, she turned to the Earth Pony.

“THIS FRUIT IS DELECTABLE,” The purple tyrant remarked. “WE WISH TO PURCHASE YOUR SUPPLY SO THAT WE MAY ENJ—“ Twilight’s voice cut off. The stern expression she once bore switched to one of horror. Her eyes went wide, and her pupils dilated. The Twicane fell to the ground.

“Er… P-Princess? Twilight?” Applejack asked worriedly, “Are you alright?”

“I… I…” Twilight’s voice dropped to normal levels, but it still contained the reverb and overtones one experienced using Canterlock. She gasped, as the world started fuzzing out. Applejack’s voice grew distant and distorted. Everything started shifting colors.

Then reality started fragmenting. Piece by piece, the world around and below her started turning black. She wanted to scream, or to run, but there was no escaping the crumbling area. Soon everywhere above, below, and around her was a black void. The Twicane still rested beside her, in the relative position and area where she had dropped it, but soon its gem began glowing.

And the holy scepter disintegrated in a flash of red.

Suddenly Twilight saw an explosion. Tiny particles—quarks, photons, gluons, and other unfathomably small things—flashed before her eyes. Even in her horrified state, she could conclude that she was watching all of time pass, and her size was growing or shrinking depending on what was necessary.

Time was slowing down or speeding up as required, as well. She saw a microsecond go by in a minute and a half, and thousands of years go by in a second. She saw stars form and die, galaxies develop, she saw a planet evolve into a habitable place. She watched as fish swam out of the water, and morph into giant lizards, the landmasses join together as one, then split apart. She saw comets hit, almost wiping out existence. And as time continued, she saw them. The creatures Lyra heartstrings had always fantasized about.

She saw humans. And she watched them evolve, then devolve back into apes, before disappearing.
And as hundreds of thousands of years went by, she saw the landmasses continue to shift, and everything started to become brighter. Pastel creatures came into existence and morphed slowly into ponies. Twilight, again, made the subconscious conclusion that humans existed before ponies.

Then time sped up. Faster and faster it went. The sun expanded and turned red, and swallowed up the Earth, before shrinking to a tiny white point. Her field of vision zoomed out dramatically as she watched galaxies slowly die and burn out, trillions of years passing by in only a second. Her vision capabilities expanded massively as she watched the last stars die, and black holes decay.

Soon, after what seemed to be more years than ever fathomable, time stopped. There was nothing left. Only another cold, dark void.

But what was that? There was a pillar of faint red just in front of her! It slowly took shape once more into her beloved and sacred golden scepter. The Twicane had returned!

She took the scepter in her hoof. There was nothing left around them. Everything was destroyed. ‘Wait,’ she thought, ‘What was that opposite of destruction again?’ She looked down at the holy scepter, and the word came to her.

Creation.

In that frozen spacetime, where nothing was left, Twilight Sparkle knew that she now held the power to re-create reality.

And holding up the almighty scepter, she said, “Let there be light!”

Author's Note

I could stop right here. It would make a decent one-shot.
Or I could continue.
I choose the latter.

Chapter 2/Epilogue

And holding up the almighty scepter, she said, “Let there be light!”

The holy scepter’s horn glowed. Twilight shut her eyes. Beams of pure energy erupted from the tip of the staff, the force of it being enough to push Twilight back a ways. She opened her eyes. The infinitely dark void soon gained light—in the form of burning orbs. New stars were born from the power of the Twicane.

And she went on, using the energy in the scepter to create a new universe—stars, asteroids, nebulae, galaxies—The scepter may have had control over her brain, but Twilight’s normal self was currently overloaded with delight.

Twilight observed her magnum opus. There was no honor greater than knowing that she had single-handedly invented the universe. The apparently-invincible mare soon found one particular cloud of dust and gas. ‘Yes,’ she thought, ‘That will do nicely.’

Shockwaves from the scepter sent the cloud spinning, flattening into a disk. Faster and faster it went. Bits of debris stuck to each other, and chain reactions started happening in the center of the disk. Soon, the cloud had become a new star and several planets.

There was one in particular that our imperial goddess chose to be the vessel for life. With a slow swipe of the Twicane, gas and other particles in the air condensed into clouds, bringing torrential rains on the desolate space rock.

The water got a bit out of hand, though, and soon the planet was one giant ocean. Then Twilight said, “Let there be dry land!” And the planet obeyed. She shaped the single landmass—which covered over a third of the planet—into the shape of her holy head, with mountains, lakes, valleys, and other geographic phenomena forming her regal face.

And Twilight then flew down to the landmass, and landed near a river. She scooped clay from the bottom and formed a pony in her image. She repeated the process hundreds of times, before breathing the breath of life into each of them.
“PONIES, I AM YOUR RULER AND YOUR GODDESS,” She proclaimed in Canterlock. “I CREATED YOU FROM MERE EARTH IN MY IMAGE. YOU SHALL KNOW ME AS TWILIGHT SPARKLE, CREATOR OF ALL THINGS, WIELDER OF THE HOLY SCEPTER, IMPERIAL GODDESS OF THIS LAND.”

One daring pony spoke up. “Er, and what might this land be named, your holiness?”

Twilight hesitated for a moment, before remembering the name of her old home, before the first end of the universe. “THIS LAND IS EQUESTRIA, WHICH HAS BEEN GIVEN UNTO YOU ALL BY THE POWER AND SYMPATHY VESTED IN ME AND THIS HOLY SCEPTER.” Twilight held up the sword of state. “BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY, AND INHERIT THIS LAND FOR YOUR BENEFIT. BUT SHOULD YOU DISOBEY THE WORD OF I, TWILIGHT SPARKLE, YOUR EXISTENCE SHALL BE PURGED. DUST YOU HAVE COME FROM, AND DUST YOU SHALL RETURN HEED THESE WORDS, PONIES!”

And all the ponies rejoiced, singing the praises of Her Holiness, the Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle. In due time, the ponies multiplied and inherited the Earth. A palace was built for Twilight, where she resided and took command of the planet.

Nothing was in her way.

~***~ ~***~ ~***~

Twilight Sparkle laid on the hospital bed, occasionally twitching sporadically. Surrounding her were the three princesses (Celestia, Luna, and Cadance), Shining Armor, Spike, and Twilight’s 5 friends. The Twicane lay near the comatose alicorn.

Celestia summoned Discord, who entered through a portal in the ceiling. “Yesss?” he asked.

Celestia was audibly angry. “Discord, this scepter is dangerous to ponies, especially Twilight. Since you made it, you are the one who’ll destroy it!”

“And if I refuse?”

A loud throat-clearing resonated throughout the room. Fluttershy glared angrily at the Draconequus whom she called her friend. “You’re going to destroy that cane, mister, whether you like it or not! And if you don’t, I’ll never forgive you!” The four ponies, four royalties, and single dragon all nodded in agreement.

Discord jerked back and laughed nervously. “One destroyed staff, coming right up!” He grabbed the Twicane and, not being one to pass up a crappy joke, added, “Would you like fries with that?” With a snap of his fingers, and a puff of pink smoke, he and the scepter were gone.

A teal-coated, blue-maned stallion wearing a doctor’s robe entered the room. He held in his teeth a clipboard, which he set down on a nearby table. “Okay, I’ve returned with the results from the lab,” he announced.

“Will Twilight be alright?” Cadence asked.
“What was in those peaches?” added Rainbow Dash.

The doctor cleared his throat. “We don’t know whether or not she will awaken from the coma. However, what we can conclude is that this particular crate of peaches originated from an orchard of a pony with a very shady background. The peaches contained heavy traces of Lysergic acid diethylamide, which causes vivid hallucinations. In addition to that, there was a cocktail of sleeping chemicals.”

Rainbow looked at the doctor quizzically. “So… in laypony’s terms, please?”

Pinkie Pie cut in before the doctor could say anything. “Twilight tripped serious balls and got knocked out.”

“That’s…” the doctor hesitated. “exactly what happened.”

And everypony learned to eat their school, stay in drugs, and not do vegetables.

The (really unsatisfying) end.

Author's Note

I should have my writing privileges revoked.