Daring Do and the Shiny Crystal

by Lucky Roll

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Flim and Flam, Daring Do, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 3518

Ponies are cool. Motorbikes are cool. Ponies riding motorbikes IN SPACE should be extra cool, right?

"Daring Do leaned forward as she accelerated to a breakneck pace. There were those who said driving a motorbike inside a spaceship made no sense, but after the third robotic gorilla attack Daring knew better..."

Prepare for space-shattering kabooms, dramatic pew pews, and copious amounts of raw AWESOMENESS, because the chase for the generic nondescript artifact has begun!

//Special thanks to McNeil, my proofreader. He rocks!//

Published 2012-03-13 19:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-13 19:44:01 UTC

Daring Do and the Shiny Crystal!

Daring Do and the Shiny Crystal

Daring Do leaned forward as she accelerated to a breakneck pace. There were those who said driving a motorbike inside a spaceship made no sense, but after the third robotic gorilla attack Daring knew better. She had to arrive to the command center before her foe, or else the crystal would be lost, this much was clear – one could say crystal clear.

With a few sudden moves she avoided some scrap metal on the floor, sparing herself and Wilhelm, her trusty motorbike, from a fatal crash. Taking the next turn, the pale grey steel door of her destination showed up; oh, no, it was too close! She didn't have enough time to slow down...

CRASH! The massive structure shattered into puny pieces as she burst through, sending razor-sharp metallic shards in every direction (of course, none of them injured her. She had significant experience in bursting through various materials unharmed, including, but not limited to glass, every kind of wood and metal, diamond, lava, negative energy and air). She looked around: the many computers of the huge, round command center hummed calmly around her, arranged around the walls. Several green lights flickered on the screens, a large wolframite-glass window yawned in front of her, letting the serene shine of space glimmer into the otherwise dark room. But too much description, too little action!

"Ach, Fräulein Do! Vat a pleasure to meet you, es ist not?"

She was too late! The evil genius, Dr. Scientist was already here! The malefic alicorn sported a pitch-black coat with red stripes, his mane was evil-colored. His cutie mark depicted the entire universe, indicating his special talent: world domination! He grinned viciously as he set both his natural and mechanical eyes on her: the crystal floated before him, surrounded in a sick, pale green light – just like his horn.

"Maybe zhis is vat you seek, hmm? Such a schäme I can't let you have it! Are you angry, Fräulein Do?"

"Yes, I am!" she shouted. "You won't get away with this, Scientist! You nefarious little –”

“Flattery vill get you novhere, Fräulein.”

“That crystal belongs in a museum! Give it back!"

Dr. Scientist briefly considered the suggestion, then, surprisingly, decided against it. "No," he said.

"So it has come to this," Daring Do narrowed her eyes and flared her wings. "Face me, you scoundrel! A duel to the death, just you and me!"

"I hef been vaiting a long time for zhis, Fräulein. You are indeed a vorthy opponent. A duel it is, zhen! Just you and me and my three titanium-armored indestructible Death-botXtreme bodyguards!"

Three massive cyborg ponies stepped forward from the shadowy corners of the room; it was an impressive feat, considering the command center was round. The evil doctor sneered viciously again (or still, for malicious grin was pretty much his standard facial expression), grabbed the crystal, and prepared to leave – but little did Daring Do know that it was about to get worse!

"Hasta la vista, Fräulein! Oh, and let's not fohget my parting gift..."

He slammed at a big red button, located conveniently within hoof's reach. It was labeled 'Do not push EVER', but that was precisely what he did! The lights turned to red, sirens started to wail, and a pleasant, although somewhat metallic feminine voice intoned apparently from the walls.

"Self-destruct system activated. Total self-destruction in sixty seconds. We wish you an enjoyable explosion."

"Ach, vat a lucky coincidence, ich happen to hef mein instant teleport device vid me! Achhahahahahahaha!" He laughed, as if he'd said something funny, even though ten out of ten stand-up comedians would agree this was a poor joke. He disappeared in a flash, taking the crystal with him. Did Daring Do have any chances to retrieve it, or maybe she’d already lost?

"Great," she thought, "why does every spaceship have a self-destruct system? And why couldn't they protect them with at least a password or something?"

This was, however, not the time for pondering such silly questions! The three armored cyborg ponies cautiously stepped closer, preparing for the skirmish!

"I am sorry, gentlemen, but I have neither the time nor the intent to fight!" She jumped into the air, doing a perfect backflip, and landed precisely in the seat of her motorbike, which was, in fact, right behind her.

"Forty-five seconds until complete self-destruction. No pressure, though," the shipboard computer announced.

Wilhelm's wheels screeched in pain as Daring Do opened out the throttle, accelerating to full velocity.

"Ramming speed!" she yelled, as she drove straight into the nearest enemy, running over him. This, of course, was not nearly enough to destroy the cyborg, but she didn't stop to fight. She turned the handlebar instead, and performed a semicircle to face the entrance of the room again – the entrance, which was soon to become an exit! If only she could have escaped the command center, she might have had a chance to reach an emergency escape pod, and get away!

"Thirty seconds until self-destruction. Only a suggestion, but I assume now would probably be a good time to donate your assets to charity."

Oh, no! The cyborgs have found out her plan! The three bionic ponies towered in the doorway, clearly determined to trap her in the exploding starship! Alas, there wasn't enough space between her foes and the lintel for her to slip through with one of her trademark daring dashes. Ironically, she knew that within half a minute, there would be more than enough space here, but these expectations were hardly rosy. What to do? What to do?!

"Fifteen seconds until self-destruction. Have you read any good books lately?"

Daring Do gritted her teeth and cursed the moment of weakness when she'd installed the 'chatty' voice set to the shipboard computer. Would this spaceship be her grave? If yes, she wouldn't go down without a fight, even if it would've been pretty pointless, seeing that the explosion would have destroyed the cyborgs anyway. But as she turned her head to her enemies, her eyes focused on an innocent, insignificant object... OF COURSE!

"Ten seconds until self-destruction. And I've just downloaded a new update... figures."

A fishbowl! Naturally! It all makes sense! The course of action was clear now! Without wasting any time on meaningless thoughts (such as what the hay was an empty fishbowl doing in a starship's command center), she grabbed the glassware, and turned Wilhelm away from the doorway.

"Five seconds until self-destruction. It's been kinda nice to know you, I guess."

Daring Do stepped on the gas.

"Three..."

She increased her speed.

"Two..."

Pop! With a sudden move, she squeezed her head and her earmark hat inside the fishbowl.

"One..."

CLASH! She drove Wilhelm into the window with full speed, wrecking through the wolframite-glass, like a knife through hot butter! The immense explosion behind her erupted in a split second, but Daring was already in open space; the force of the detonation gave her the momentum of a violent storm, launching her forward to the infinite. Fortunately she turned her back on the blast, and as such, it was unable to harm her, as one would expect. The peal of the explosion still echoed in her ears, as she tried to recover from the dizzying escapade. Well, some say sound can't travel in space, but they're sadly mistaken: sound can definitely be heard in space IF IT'S LOUD ENOUGH!

But if she thought her trouble was over, she was in for a surprise! Being stranded in space with nothing but a motorbike was already a harsh situation, yet little did she know it was about to get worse!

As she looked around, trying to survey her position, an ominous shadow fell on her. She raised her head, spotting a large, steely spaceship blocking the rays of the nearest star. It must have teleported here recently. Maybe whomever its captain was would pick her up and deliver her to safety? She reached for the switch of the radio (Wilhelm, of course, had one built-in): the ship was close enough for her to use this old-fashioned form of communication.

"Unknown vessel, this is Daring Do. Do you read? Over!"

The answer arrived without much delay. "Ksshh... Daring Do, this is EEEE-9001. Receiving. Go ahead. Over," a lifeless, robotic voice responded: Daring recognized the typical intonation of shipboard computers.

"EEEE-9001, my vessel is destroyed. I'm stranded without any reserves. I repeat: I'm stranded without any reserves. Requesting rescue. Over."

"Check. Please, transmit your coordinates... Correction: stand-by, please... This is the auto-pilot signing off, out..."

Daring Do raised her eyebrows: she could've sworn she heard pleasant, upbeat music from the background, but before she could've reacted, a new, young, cheerful voice spoke up from the radio.

"Well, lookie what we have here, brother o' mine, it's the same in every sector! Ponies with living cells, beating hearts, and not a drop of spilled blood to be found! Maybe they are not aware that we've got nopony to spare –"

"– For about the caused huge collateral damage we do not care!" A somewhat deeper, still happy voice joined. "Well you've got opportunity, by this very monstrosity –"

"He's necrotic Flim!"

"He's necrotic Flam!"

"We're the galaxy-famous necrotic Flim Flam brothers! Traveling exterminator ponies nonpareil!"

A cold chill shivered down Daring Do's spine (as opposed to a hot chill, for example). Everypony in the universe knew the Flim Flam brothers, the cheerfully psychotic zombie android mercenary twins, who lent their services to the highest bidder. It was no secret they gladly murdered anything and anypony in their path for money, fun, and / or as a demonstration of their power. They especially liked to slay strong, wealthy, or renowned ponies – ponies like Daring Do!

A single drop of sweat fell from her forehead; perhaps they could be reasoned with...

"Okay, listen! I've got money! I can pay you! If you pick me up and deliver me to an inhabited system, I won't be ungrateful! Look, just send me a pod: I'm so close to you it's –"

"Well, Miss Do, I'm glad you are in range, I say, I'm glad you are in range! You see we're very picky when it comes to victims, and this won't, before long, change!"

"Yes Sir, yes Ma'am, this great machine kills just the very best! So, whaddaya say then, Daring? Care to step into the otherworld or, against the Extreme Elite Enemy Eradicator 9001, you protest?"

"It's over nine thousand!" Flim gleefully added.

"No, wait –" she began, but the brothers apparently didn't listen or care.

"Ready Flim?"

"Ready Flam?"

"Let's bing-bang zam!"

"And shoot this bloody pony with a world of deleterious laser!"

Daring Do's eyes widened as the ship's cannons came to life and targeted her. From the background, she heard the twins' almost hypnotic chant: "Laser laser laser laser laser..."

The first bright red ray ripped through the darkness of space, missing her by hundreds of meters. She knew, however, that she had only so much time before the ship's computer would accommodate to her position; right now she was happy she hadn't transmitted her coordinates when asked, but this only meant a short stalling of her eventual demise! Meanwhile, the radio started to crackle again.

"Ksshssh... Flam, forgive me, but it looks like that shoot was in vain! Shall we try, might I ask, with the small caliber again?"

"Well, dear brother, I say it's time for the big gun! Or better yet, use them both – after all, why ruin the fun?"

"How much time does it take for the Exterminator to unfold?"

"Half a minute, assuming it's by skilled staff controlled!"

Daring Do gulped. The next laser shots missed her only by a few meters! What's worse, she knew the infamous "Exterminator" of the Flim Flam brothers: rumors said it had homing missiles, capable of detecting heat, radio waves, thermonuclear radiation, or DNA. There was no way that monster could miss her! What could she do? Wilhelm had no weapons or engines effective in open space!

"And shall we, dear Flam, release the feral space raptor?"

"About time: you know, we paid good money to its captor!"

The door of the cargo hold slowly opened: the ferocious beast broke loose! Space raptors were savage predators, twice as big as ursa minors, and far more deadly: their black, white-spotted, diamond-hard scales resisted most material-based weapons, as well as some energy types, not to mention they mimicked space, the species' natural hunting ground, excellently! They had three steely jaws, two tails, and could ignite things by just looking at them. In order to travel in space they released noxious gases from their body, which propelled them forward, according to the rocket principle.

But she would probably never meet it, as the ship had surely managed to calibrate the coordinates by now. It was only a matter of seconds before the next laser shot would come, Daring Do felt in her guts. With a final move, she suddenly pulled her motorbike upwards...

Now laser, though more coherent than ordinary light, is just light, after all. Therefore it only makes sense that you can reflect it with a mirroring surface – such as the wheel of a motorcycle, for example!

"Ta-dam! Science triumphs over brute force once again!" Daring exclaimed happily, seeing as the returned laser beam, thanks to her thorough aiming, hit the EEEE-9001's navigational apparatus! Without a radar, it would be impossible to set a homing missile on her! "Now what will you do, huh?" A booming roar reminded her that she wasn’t alone. "Ah yes... I still have to do something with that."

***

Sweat formed in beads on Flim's forehead, as he stared at the glowing numbers on the screen. The situation was difficult even for an expert like him, the decision was excruciating! He glanced at the counter: every passing moment mattered. If he made the wrong choice, it all would be over! Finally, he bit his lips, and pressed a button...

GAME OVER

"No! Curse you, minesweeper! You shall meet the grim reaper!" he wanted to shout, but a strong hoof from behind suddenly stopped his mouth, while somepony encircled his neck with another foreleg at the same time.

"I wouldn't move if I were you," Daring Do whispered in his left ear. "By the way, thanks for the raptor. I couldn't have reached your ship without using it as a mount. Granted, I had to subdue it, but after the robotic gorilla attacks it was almost a routine job, heh. Now, you're going to tell me very quietly where your brother is!"

"Actually, I'm right behind you." Daring felt the cold barrel of a plasma gun poking against her ribs. "Hooves up, and none of your tricks! ...you."

She knew she had no choice: slowly raising her front legs, she used her wings to avoid falling on her face. Flim also levitated a weapon before him, and pointed it at her, along with his twin.

"Well played, Miss Do, I have to admit, well played," Flam said. "But now you are our captive, I'm afraid!"

"Say, brother o' mine, don't you wanna see as her blood splashes? We haven't covered the ship's deck in intestines in, dare I say, ages!"

"Flim, remember, we did exactly that last Tuesday!"

"Ah, indeed. Let's go before she gets away!"

"Well, start walking, may I ask, if you don't mind it, Miss Do! For your information it is the conning bridge where we all, in unison, will go!"

"Stop with the rhyming already!" Daring Do burst out. "You two are driving me crazy!"

"Flim, you've heard the lady." They may have been crazy android zombie headhunters, but this didn’t mean they weren't gentlecolts. "Cut this out instantly!"

"Yes, we'll stop the rhyming, I assure. You don't have to longer endure."

"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" she said. "Then stay silent in lieu!"

The three ponies started to wordlessly head for the conning bridge. Daring Do considered a few potential escape routes, but with the brothers pointing their plasma guns at her, any attempts of breaking free would have been practically suicide. As they arrived, the door of the bridge slid aside with a hissing sound. There was somepony there already! Even though his back was turned to them, she recognized his silhouette with ease...

"Dr. Scientist!" she shouted dumbfounded.

Hearing his name, he turned over with a (surprise!) evil grin. "Ach, Fräulein! I thust you enjoy our klein encounter too, don't you?"

"Curse you, Scientist! You will regret the day you turned evil, I swear!"

"Vat an interesting zheory... Es ist a pity you won't live long enough to discuss it!" He glanced at the twins. "Zhank you, gentlecolts. Any last words, Fräulein Do?"

"Yes: Flim, Flam, whatever he's paying you, I'll double it!"

The brothers turned their weapons on the alicorn in unison without a single word.

"Hey, hey, hey! I'll triple my original offer!"

"Oh, yes? Well, I'll quadruple it!"

Flim and Flam looked at each other. "Fillies and gentlecolts, why don't we settle this matter like civilized ponies?" They pointed at a nearby glass table on which a few blank paper sheets and pens were arranged. "Let's see who can make the best offer!"

"What?" Daring asked. "Do you seriously think I'll have a formal contract with criminals?!"

"Well," Flam tapped his chin, "I suppose we can always just kill you and take the good doctor's money, if you wish."

Suddenly a formal contract with criminals started to sound much less dreadful. The ponies walked to the table, and sat down at the four sides.

"Now then, Dr. Scientist, your original offer was ten thousand credits, if memory serves. And you, Miss Do, quadrupled it?"

"That's right. That means forty thousand for you if you kill the doctor!"

"I gif you fifty zhousand for killing her!"

"Really? Fifty-five thousand if you stay on my side!"

"Hey! I have a better idea!" Flim beamed. "We'll sweeten the deal: you both pay us and we kill both of you! Sounds good?"

"What?! That makes no sense!"

"How about we'll throw in the ammo free?"

"Nein! Zixty zhousand credits, and zhat's my final offer!"

"Hold on, hold on!" Flim interrupted, scribbling furiously. "Are we talking about Equestrian Imperial Credits, or Interstellar Credits?"

"EIC, natürlich. Vat did you zhink?"

"You see, EIC is worth more, but IC is usable outside the Empire as well. A tough decision, however, seeing the recent downfall of the financial –"

"Excuse me, gentlecolts," Daring Do interrupted, "but I have to use the bathroom. Could you please tell me where it is?"

"But of course. Second floor, third door on the right, in front of the pony-grinder, next to the room where the crystal is."

"I see. And how, exactly, is the crystal protected?"

"It haz no protection vatsoever," Dr. Scientist chimed in, "ekßept for a code-based lock on the door. The key is six-six-six. Vhy do you ask?"

"I was just curious. Be right back!"

As she left the table, Dr. Scientist turned to the mercenaries again. "So, zixty zhousand? Hof does it sound?"

"Not bad, not bad. And how do you plan to transfer the money?"

"Zhrough the Galactik Bank. Do you hef an account?"

"Ah, yes, but we would prefer cash for various reasons we aren't going to share."

"Ich don't hef zhat kind of money vid me!"

"Well, wire it then, but I'm afraid this would raise the prices by... how about eight percent, Flam?"

"Eh, I always thought ten is such a nice round number! Isn't it, Flim?"

"Vait! Ten percent? No vay! Sechs, and you ove me a favor!"

"Six? Eight point five, and that's our final offer! Take it or leave it!"

"Fine! Zhat foots up... zixty-five zhousand one hundred credits, doesn't it?"

"Exactly," Flim nodded. "Here's the contract, sign on the dotted line, please. Uh, and don't bother reading the fine print. It's just boring business stuff."

"Yes," Flam added. "Incredibly boring. It has nothing to do with your and your family's full wealth."

"Neither does it concern your personal rights, slavery or the trading of your undying soul. Nope."

"I just vant zhat tarned Daring Do to come back!" Dr. Scientist looked around nervously. "Hov long does it take to her? I hef to go too!" He stared at his partners with a sudden worry. "Vait, hoo guards the command center?!"

"Gosh, Flim! I thought you're there!"

"Well, Flam, I thought you're there!"

All three ponies jumped up, but it was too late. The lights suddenly turned red, and sirens started to wail.

"Self-destruct system activated. Total self-destruction in sixty seconds."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Dr Scientist screamed. "Curse you, Daring Do! Mein master plan ist foiled again! One day I'll get you, I zvear!"

But Daring Do heard none of it. Holding the crystal, she was already heading to the only escape pod, riding her good old cyan motorbike decorated with the rainbow-colored streak.

THE END

...or is it?!