The Detection of Affection Perfection

by MellowMabari

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Romance, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random
Length: 12846

Rainbow Dash likes hugs. So what if she does? It's not a big deal, right?

Silly shipping with a slice of slapdash snugglery.

Rainbow Dash decides to delve into the depths of expression through emphatic embraces with her friends, because hugging is magic. If it just so happens that Applejack seems to be the superior snuggler, well, who is Dash to turn down a challenge?

The actual story contains a lot less obnoxious assonance than the title, but c'mon, doesn't it just roll right off the tongue?

Written for the delightfully dapper DbzOrDie and long, long overdue. Better late than never, right? Uh, right?

Published 2013-12-20 21:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-02 03:38:16 UTC

A Pressing Predicament

A Pressing Predicament

Rainbow Dash sighed. She rolled her neck for the fourth time in under a minute, no longer experiencing the previously satisfying pops and clicks it had made the first three times. The table before her was littered with empty cans, all bearing the heading, Iron Will's Super Turbo Energy Thirst Quencher: Think you’re ready to stop? All-stars never drop! and other detritus, mostly of the candy wrapper variety. She had spent the last five minutes or so lazily flicking the little multicoloured crumples back and forth along her desk, paper work and weather charts forgotten. Not many ponies would know it to look at her, but Rainbow actually happened to attend to the managerial waffle that came with her position as Ponyville's lead cloud wrangler. Ponies wouldn't know she attended to it because she had to do it in an office. Inside. On the ground, due to the fact that the only cloud building gracing Ponyville's skies was her own home. She didn't even have a window, which admittedly would have acted as yet another distraction. She didn't think she could engage in humdrum office junk if the endless blue sky was beckoning to her through a single pane of transparent glass.

"Guh, so if Cloud Chaser works Tuesday...and if Windy Daze takes Blossom's shift next Wednesday..." Rainbow prodded a chart with her official Wonderbolt's logo pen, (writing with quills was odd for most pegasi, given that they normally only got a mouthful of feathers while preening or during other more...intimate pursuits) attempting to figure out if her jumble of squiggles made any sense. It probably didn't. She was fairly certain that she had doodled her name several times in the middle of the chart, and was that...? Yep. There was her Cutie Mark, right over Thunderlane's schedule for the following week. Which hadn't worked out anyway, not unless she expected him to clone himself. There was an annoying thought. She took enough lip from him as it was.

Ugh, why do they make me plan these things out for, like, a month in advance? I'll just have to change everything around again, anyway, when Flitter calls in sick or Derpy can't come in because she forgot to book a foalsitter. Rainbow was on the verge of crumpling up the failed schedule and tossing it through the hoop situated above her trash can when she noticed another drawing, most likely completed sometime between her third and fourth Power Quencher. An Apple? I musta been hungry. She grinned and patted her slightly distended stomach. Good thing I keep a healthy supply of sweets around. Indeed, several packages of the colourful treats were placed strategically around the small room, in case of candy emergencies. Pinkie had put her on to it, and so far Rainbow hadn't found any reason to regret taking the party pony's advice. Rainbow's eyes drifted back to the drawing, where they paused once more; it depicted not a single apple, but a trio. Huh, I guess I was really hungry. Unless...

Rainbow didn't think she spent an inordinate amount of time ogling most of her friends' flanks, but she knew enough to realize that three apples set in a miniature pyramid formation was a shoe-in for Applejack's Cutie Mark. She also knew why she had drawn it, in great detail, right next to her own. The rest of her friends' Cutie Marks were strangely absent. And here I thought an afternoon of paperwork would take my mind off of my little 'problem.'

For Rainbow did have a problem. One of the utmost severity, despite how silly some would see it. In fact, it derived its severity from its inherent silliness. The long and short of it was this: Rainbow liked hugs. Different ponies gave different hugs, and so it stood to reason that some of those huggers would be better than others. Pinkie was good at crushing bones and rupturing vital organs, for instance, while Fluttershy was the best at giving hugs without the embracee even being aware it was happening, given how feather-light her touch was. Twilight's were caring and warm, but not too intimate – appropriate, one could say – while Rarity's were formal and all about the execution. One always had to look one's best after all, and enfolding someone in an embrace was no excuse for not putting your best face forward.

Yes, Rainbow knew a surprising amount about most of her friends' specific hugging techniques, and she valued each and every one of them. But if there was one thing Rainbow knew even more about than hugging, it was competition, and one pony stood head and shoulders above the rest with her superior snuggling powers. A pony who happened to have three apples for a Cutie Mark.

~ ~ ~

It had all begun on a semi-cloudy day. A light breeze had been playing over the leaves of the apple trees at Sweet Apple Acres, and Rainbow Dash had just been putting the finishing touches on a particularly puffy, particularly ominous looking raincloud. Rainclouds were rather simple, and nowhere near as exciting as thunderheads to create, but that didn't mean that she couldn't at least make them look cool.

"Y’almost done, Rainbow?" called a familiar twangy voice from its place on the ground.

Rainbow peered around her handiwork to spot her employer for the afternoon glancing up at her. "Yep – just give me a sec!" Rainbow gave the cloud an experimental poke, and was rewarded with a small gush of rainwater. She nodded happily to herself before flapping down to the ground and saluting. "All systems are go, Cap'n."

Applejack rolled her eyes but met her friend's salute with a serious nod of her own. "Good work, General Dash. Now, I want the fields over in quadrant A and sector B completely drenched, and no lollygaggin', you hear me?"

"Aye, aye boss lady!" The pegasus zipped into the air, intent on carrying out her orders...only to return a second later. "Uh...by quadrant A and sector B you meant that patch over there, right?"

Applejack chuckled, dropping the impromptu act. "Course, Sugarcube. You don't think that's actually how we divvy up the farm, do ya? We ain't the royal Canterlot guard or nothin'"

"Hey, I don't know how you apple nerds do stuff. You named a tree Bloomberg, for Twilight's sake."

"'Twilight's sake'? Is this some sort of new slang I'm not in the know about?"

"Well, she doesn't like me using Celestia or Luna's names, right? But if Twi – our best friend – is a pouffy pony princess now, I can take her name in vain all I want!"

"Uh, I don't think – " but Dash was gone before Applejack could elaborate on how "Twilight's sake" was not a proper replacement for "Luna's Moony Backside" or "Celestia's Sunny Snicker-doodle."

In fact, considering Rainbow's track record, Twilight's new epithet was fairly tame. She'd let the pegasus go ahead and say it, and just had to hope it wouldn't get any more...creative.

"Aw, you actually waited out here for me? That's sweet." The air from Rainbow's wings buffeted the nearby leaves as she reappeared above Applejack's head, smirking and completely cloudless. "I suppose seeing me in action is pretty impressive, so I can't blame you."

"Har har," mumbled Applejack, touching the brim of her hat and backing up a pace to hide the fact that she'd started a bit as Rainbow swooped in unannounced. "I just couldn't leave you with my trees unattended. We both know what happened the last time."

Rainbow frowned. "Twilight's Purple Flank, you snuggle – er – rest on an apple tree one time and no one lets you live it down. At least I don't mutter about them in my sleep, like some ponies."

Applejack blushed scarlet. "I was just – er – thinkin' 'bout work is all. If you hadn't noticed, apples are kinda my thing."

"Oh, I noticed." Dash grinned impishly, landing in front of the other pony. "And it sounded to me like you were thinking more about play than work. Just how hard is Bloomberg, anyway?"

"That's enough outta you!" Applejack swatted Dash upside the head, now so red that, had she been male, the resemblance between her and her brother would have been uncanny.

Dash snickered. "Hey, you know it's all in good fun. Anyway, the clouds are all placed in sector whatever, so I should get back to practicing. I want to get some good flying time in before I have to go commit se-what-sit with my Wonderbolts pen in the office."

Applejack, accepting her reprieve from the teasing – which was completely unfounded – finally decided to take a look at Dash's handiwork. She was slightly surprised to see that both sections of the orchard that had needed a drink were presently receiving one. The surprise at such a well done job ended and a small frown popped up when she noticed that one of the rainclouds was positioned over a separate, smaller stretch of field. A stretch that she hadn't told Rainbow needed rain.

Dash, seemingly noticing the object of her friend's focus – and the decidedly downward twitch of her mouth that accompanied it – jumped in with a hasty, "When I was flying over some of the leaves looked a bit crispy, so I flew down and checked the soil. Dry as a bone. It was only two trees, so I rigged up one of the smaller clouds for a long-term drizzle. It should peter out about six tonight, but if they're still thirsty you can always give me a call tomorrow!"

Rainbow exhaled all of this in one heroic breath, hoping that Applejack would withhold any more disapproving glares (or possibly hooves) until after she had explained herself. Messing with an Apple's apples was the fastest way to lose a limb, after all – and Dash, unlike an apple tree, couldn't just grow a new one.

Luckily for the stressed pegasus, her friend was now eyeing her with renewed respect and not a little gratitude.

"Aw, shucks Rainbow, that's mighty kind of ya. Now I think on it, those're the trees I gave Apple Bloom to water – you know, ease her into the family trade and all that. Seems with all her 'crusadin'' she forgot about them. Still, I shoulda checked on 'em more often myself...I owe you one."

"Aw, it was nothing," replied Rainbow, waving an airy hoof in a rare show of modesty. "It's just you and Mac running this whole place, or at least the outside parts of it. If I can lend a hoof with some aerial reconnaissance every now and again, well, why not, right?"

"Aerial what-now?" Applejack let out a gasp of mock terror, "Dash – I think it's happening! Hanging around Twilight has turned you into...into an..." she removed her hat and started fanning herself with it, putting on an accent that sounded suspiciously like Rarity's patented stage-whisper. "Egghead!"

Rainbow rolled her eyes, though she was badly suppressing a grin. "Yeah, yeah, so I read books now. I never woulda thought that an autobiography would be cool, but Commander Hurricane was a pretty crazy lady. It actually makes me want to write my own, someday."

Eye rolling was apparently contagious, because Applejack continued where Dash left off. "That doesn't surprise me in the slightest."

"You talk about Twilight rubbing off on me. What about you, Miss Queen of Sarcasm? Since when were you this snarky?"

"Oh, don't try and blame Twilight alone for that one," said Applejack, "You've been buzzing around here often enough lately that I've had plenty o' practice with verbal sparrin'."

"I do not 'buzz'" replied Rainbow with a dignified sniff, "I dash and soar and glide – majestically."
They met each other's gazes. It took all of three seconds for two sets of eyes to crinkle at the corners and a shared laugh to burst forth from identically grinning muzzles.

The hysterics were so involved, in fact, that Rainbow ended up half draped over Applejack as she struggled to regain her composure. "Ah man, I'm glad I stopped by today, AJ. I – I kinda missed this."

Applejack, sensing that the time for joking was over, looked back at her friend, who was having trouble meeting her eyes. "Me, too, Sugarcube. We hung out just last week, though, remember?"

"Yeah, I know." Rainbow Dash sighed, eyes still glued to the forelegs hanging over her friend's back. "It just feels like longer, sometimes."

Applejack watched Rainbow study her hooves for a few seconds before being struck by an idea. "Hey, c'mere." she yanked her friend around and in front of her, and before she could protest further than a few frantic wingbeats, enveloped her in a warm, and somewhat forceful, hug. "Thanks for the help today. I know you get busy at the Academy and with your regular weather shift and all that, but it really does mean a lot."

Rainbow slowly wrapped her forelegs back around her friend, this time encircling her neck. Even if the position wasn't very physically different from the one she had just been engaged in, it felt more intimate, somehow. Friends hugged. Pinkie Pie was always hugging ponies – some of them she didn't even know. Not many ponies would know it, but Rainbow Dash liked hugs. Not all the time or anything, but there was just something special about someone who cared about you giving you a good old rib cracking squeeze. Or, you know, maybe a more delicate snuggle every now and again. Cool ponies needed hugs too, she figured. Hugs were just another way to show you that you were cool, in the long run.

What Applejack did was combine the two techniques, wrapping her in an embrace that could hardly be called delicate, but that didn't come across as a display of excessive strength, either. They weren’t fighting for control like they did when they were engaged in some all-or-nothing competition, or even goofing around like they usually did. Right now, they were friends showing one another mutual support, even if it was a bit more concentrated on Applejack’s side. Support could be cool. Warm, snuggly, stand-there-and listen-to-eachother’s-breathing support could also be cool. Maybe. It's not like there was a rule-book saying it wasn’t, anyway.

After an indeterminate amount of time (but it totally could have lasted longer) Applejack disengaged herself from Rainbow, grinning softly at her. “There. Feel better?”

Rainbow realized she was still inhaling the now dwindling scent of Applejack’s mane and hastily opened her eyes. “Uh, yeah! Loads better, actually. You know, as better as doing anything standing still could make me feel. Aheh.” She ran a hoof over the back of her neck awkwardly to dispel the phantom feeling of Applejack’s hooves.

Applejack took it in stride, tipping her hat towards her, grin still in place. “Well, iffin’ you ever need another, you know where to find me. I don’t even charge or nothin’.” She chuckled at her own joke.

Rainbow forced out a chuckle of her own, mind still caught somewhere in the haze of apple shampoo (was it shampoo, or actual apple?) and fluffy orange coat. “Uh, yeah. Will do. Well, I better jet. Got places to do and stuff to see, ya know? Dash, over and out!”

And with that she was, zipping into the air so fast on dishevelled wings that she probably set some sort of record (of the academy variety). “Over and out? Really, Dash?” She smacked herself in the face with a hoof and put on a burst of speed, hoping that by putting distance between her and the awkward encounter she could somehow outstrip her own mocking internal thoughts. Turns out being locked in her own head was not a problem her wings could solve. “Gah! Who even says that?”

Her thoughts occupied her until frantic wings carried her over Ponyville proper, where the weather offices were located. Well, office. As much as she would prefer to fly right up to her cloud home and barricade herself inside its fluffy walls (which worked quite nicely to muffle loud rants and absorb stress in the form of frustrated kicks) she knew she had work stuff to attend to. She had pushed it off to the last possible day already, and if she wanted to avoid another stern lecture from Mayor Mare on tardiness (one Twilight would later reiterate, including references to demotion and impromptu moon vacations, for variety’s sake) she had to submit the month’s schedule before the end of the day. That was the trouble with a town run by earth ponies and unicorns – they didn’t know when to just wing it. Although, judging by her hasty departure from Applejack’s farm, Rainbow figured she might be too good at winging it. Ha, yeah right. No such thing.

Feeling slightly better about herself – the hug had felt nice, after all – Rainbow swooped down to the nondescript blue building adjacent to the mayor’s office, which someone had optimistically decorated with a smiling sun and a few equally cheery clouds. Rainbow set her expression as close as she could to the direct opposite, took a deep breath, and hoofed the door open. The way it shut behind her rang with a rather depressing tone of finality.

~ ~ ~

Which brought her back to the present. Rainbow Dash was simultaneously grateful for and annoyed with her extremely vivid imagination, as it felt like she had just relived the memory in question. What was it about Applejack’s hugs that made her feel so conflicted? Could it be that she was so good at them? Did Rainbow feel threatened by her friend’s cuddling prowess? She experimentally slipped her own hooves around her midsection in an effort to compare. It didn’t feel the same.

And she had the distinct feeling that she looked really, really stupid.

Quickly unravelling her hooves from their straightjacket-like hold around her ribs, she eyed the unfinished schedule crumpled before her. She was no closer to finishing it than she had been when she entered the dreaded building all those hours ago, and on top of that she still had her hugging problem to deal with. She had hugged Applejack loads of times before. Heck, they were draped across each other in almost every group picture of their friends, so it's not like it was a new occurrence. And who was the one pony Rainbow always sought out first after some sort of new disaster ripped through Ponyville? Applejack. She practically pounced the poor mare after being dis-Discordified. So why was now different? Was it because it was a private hug this time? None of their other friends had been in the orchard with them – it was a hug just for her, not the result of some group affection-fest or post world-saving relief.

Rainbow groaned and let her head thump down onto the wooden table, smushing the paper that would never ascend to the ranks of a fully functioning schedule. It was so obvious, and yet Rainbow wished her brain could go on not making the connection for just a bit longer.

Rainbow Dash didn’t just have the hots for Applejack – she had come to terms with that revelation ages ago. Ain’t no way a pony could have a flank that fine and not fall under her radar – she had an actual crush on her. With feelings. Huggy, squishy, apple-scented feelings. And feelings were complicated. They made ponies do all manner of crazy, uncool things. Like think. And say dumb things that made her sound like some stuffy Canterlot guard.

Well, crap. She thought. Crap on an industrial-sized cracker.

She now had three options, each one equally unpleasant in its own way. She could go and tell Applejack exactly how she felt about her, which, now that she thought about it, Dash wasn’t entirely clear on. She liked hugging her, and spending time with her, and smelling her mane…all of those were normal, friendly things to do, weren’t they? Well, maybe except for that last one, but could she really help it if her friend used such delicious smelling shampoo? And if she just so happened to peruse – it was a smart word, one Twilight would have been proud of – Applejack’s flank every now and again, well, it wasn’t her fault. The thing had apples on it! Apples were food! Ponies ate food! It was completely logical that she might stare sometimes, especially if she was hungry. It was a natural impulse, and Dash was all about following her impulses. She wouldn’t be the fastest pony in Equestria if she didn’t.

So, Ok, maybe she liked Applejack more than normal. Knowing this, she could either go tell her friend that she possibly wanted to pounce on her in a completely non-platonic way, or she could sit on this new information and never let anyone know, ever. Neither of these sounded all that pleasant, considering that premature pouncing might lead to a buck to the face, and not doing anything was stupid. There might be a day when “nothing” became a thing that Rainbow Dash did, but it wasn’t this day. She was a mare of action, a mare of cunning, a mare of speed! Nothing was, like, the opposite of all of those things, and therefore out of the question.

Which left the third option.

It was convoluted and likely a waste of time, but if it meant avoiding choices one and two, Dash was all for giving it a go.

To figure out exactly how she felt, she would need more information. Evidence, as Twilight might call it. Cold, hard facts, that could only be gained by extensive research into warm, fluffy cuddling – cuddling completely in the name of science and discovery, of course.

First she would have to stealthily snuggle each of her other friends, using Applejack as the primary test subject to base her findings on. Then, all she had to do was compare her own reactions to each hug, and then to what had occurred after Applejack’s, and voila! Not only would she have gained new techniques to employ in her own embracing arsenal – she would know if she actually, truly liked Applejack enough to spill the beans, or if her reaction earlier was just some sort of fluke, a memory recalled incorrectly through the haze of too many Power Quenchers or something. Five in one day may have been a bit excessive. Her ears were ringing a bit too loudly to be completely sure, though, so she instead decided to focus on the task at hoof.

Rainbow Dash swept the day’s efforts (including candy wrappers, Quencher cans and her sorry excuse for a schedule) off of her desk and into the already precariously heaped trash bin. She would have to empty that soon-ish. But not today. There was still some good daylight left, and she planned to use it to put her epic plan into motion.

The door banged shut unceremoniously behind her as she sped off into town. Paperwork would have to wait – she had science to do.

Author's Note

Heya, ladies and gents! I'm back with another story, finally, this time based on an idea I adopted from a very patient DbzOrDie a while back. This one's gonna be kinda silly (if you couldn't already tell), with some heartfelt moments sprinkled in here and there, because snuggly ponies are best ponies, am I right?

Also, artwork. I have no idea who the current cover art belongs to, so if it's you reading this right now, and you are currently outraged at my impertinence, I humbly beg your forgiveness and ask for belated permission to use it, which you of course are free to deny. If you know who it belongs to, feel free to let them know, or let me know who they are so I can let them know, and then everything will be all cohesive and lovely again.

Also also: Yes, this is Appledash. I'm not being sneaky or anything, Applebutt and Lightningbutt, as I have heard them lovingly referred to, are gonna get together.

Anywho, if you have any opinions on the story, the writing technique, (so much as there is any technique at all) quips, quibbles, complaints, however you want to pontificate, feel free to set them loose in the comments section, because comments are all sorts of fun even if you just want to tell me the type of sandwich you had for lunch while you were reading.

Alright, this author's note is threatening to become longer than the chapter, so I'mma wrap this up. Right. About.

Now.

A Steamy Situation

Today was grocery day.

Rarity did not usually shop in Ponyville – her boutique was really the only upper-crust kind of business located in the quaint little hamlet – but she could not deny the wholesome farm-freshness of the numerous fruit and vegetable stalls, nor the delightful aroma of the flower-shops that were intermingled between them. She always set off just before dusk, white, ribbon-bedecked wicker basket in tow, so she could still fit in a full day’s work, as well as avoid the hustle and bustle of the early to midday crowds. If she admitted it to herself, Rarity really quite enjoyed these grocery outings, and not only because her pantry was edging towards the lean side - if she had to so much as look at one more piece of spinach, she would need to book an extended period at the spa lest she suffer a massive breakout. It had been on sale last week, and she had perhaps overcommitted herself the teensiest bit. She was already anticipating a fruit smoothie that would lack that garish tinge of green, great source of iron or no. No, most of all, Rarity valued her little jaunts due to the fact that they let her unwind and think after hours of planning, sketching and sewing. The summer air was lush with the scents of hay and grass, the sun was just beginning its routine descent, and Rarity was happy, trotting along the primly kept path to Ponyville’s market square.

Rainbow Dash didn’t care the slightest bit about any of these things.

As was usual for a pegasus of her prodigious ability, she didn’t much use the primly kept paths that Rarity so much admired, which also meant that she didn’t much care that, primly kept or not, they were still formed primarily of dirt, and not a speck of it was imported. So when she angled her wings, dropped steeply, and met the ground hooves first with all the gusto of a rampaging bull, the earth she propelled herself into shot up around her like a dusty wave, flecks of it washing over her coat and mane. Rarity was simply collateral damage.

“Aaiiee! My mane! Plfft! Blegh! My coat! Oh, gracious – when I get my hooves on the ruffian that –”

“Relax, Rares, a healthy coating of earth never hurt anypony.”

There was a beat where neither pony spoke nor moved, the last vestiges of airborne dirt taking this opportunity to make themselves comfortable on the occupants of the road, one of whom was turning an impressive shade of red by this point. “Rainbow Dash. I would like to say that I am surprised, because that would mean that this was not a semi-regular occurrence, but I am not. Not in the slightest.”

“You know, Rarity,” Rainbow strolled over easily and stealthily slung a hoof around the fuming fashionista’s neck, “For a prim and proper lady, you sure do have a lot of sass going on.”

“Thank you, Rainbow Dash.” Her voice was stiff, just like her frame beneath Rainbow’s hoof. “Now, if you would please let me go – I simply must return to the boutique and wash up. There’s no way I can go to the market now, looking like this.”

“What? You look fine.”

The formerly white unicorn, now dusted a light brown, looked the complete opposite of amused. That is to say, she was royally peeved, and the longer Rainbow Dash stood there looking nonchalant, the less concerned she grew about showing it. An eye twitch heralded the dangers to come if Rarity did not find herself withers deep in a bubble bath somewhere within the next five minutes. “As much as your assertion assuages my concern, dear, I will still have to insist upon taking my leave. A lady must always put her best face forward, a fact that I am sure you are aware of.”

“Aw, but Rarity, you can’t go now! I needed your help!”

Rainbow hadn’t meant to be so blunt, but she hadn’t exactly given herself much time to work out a strategy, either. She had left the weather building, invigorated by thoughts of her newly hatched plan, and had taken to the sky to celebrate. Maybe somewhere along the line she had gotten distracted with flying – anyone would have, after being cooped up in that stuffy old office all day – and seeing Rarity strolling along beneath her had reminded her of the more pressing matters she was supposed to be attending to. So maybe she had darted down to see her before she had any idea on how to seduce a hug from her. It was clearly the paperwork’s fault. She’d been using her brain all day trying to figure out that stupid schedule – could she really be held responsible if it was tired after that and made her do stupid things? Stupid begot more stupid, clearly, so the obvious answer to all of the world’s problems was to permanently ban all paperwork from ponies’ lives. That, or just give it all to Twilight – she loved that kind of junk anyway, so it was a win-win situation for everyone.

“Rainbow, dear, you were saying you needed my help?”

The formerly incensed unicorn was now regarding her with mild concern, her less than regal appearance momentarily forgotten. “Oh, uh, yeah,” replied Rainbow, searching for some sort of excuse that would not result in her flank being used as a pincushion. They were only a few meters down the road from the boutique, and she wouldn’t put it past Rarity to summon a ponyquin or two (or worse, that demonic cat of hers) to aid in an assault if she didn’t tread very carefully. “Ya see, I…uh…” Think, Rainbow, think! Talk about things she likes! Like makeup, or dresses or something. Ugh, but those are boring. Boring’s better than being left battered and bedazzled in the street! Say something already, ya dunce!

“Are you feeling alright, Rainbow Dash?” Rarity was suddenly invading her personal space, peering into her eyes and brushing a hoof against her forehead. “You’re quite warm, and you look stressed.”

“Uh, yeah! – I mean no. I mean, uh, I am feeling a bit under the weather, now that you mention it.” She sniffled a few times for effect, and drooped her wings and ears so she looked as bedraggled as possible.

Rarity clucked her tongue, her eyebrows furrowed. “Oh, you poor dear. You know, I wasn’t going to say anything, but now that you’ve admitted it, you do look quite out of sorts. Your eyes are all twitchy, and your fur is ruffled even more than normal. Put simply – you look awful, darling.”

Well thanks a lot, Rarity. Since when did you pull the Element of Brutal Honesty out of your butt? Rainbow’s hooves tingled and her wing spasmed without her consent. Ok, touché, no more energy drinks for me. “Heh, yeah, well, you know me. Got so much going on with the academy and regular weather work, I haven’t had much time to look after myself, you know?”

“Oh, I know the feeling, of that you can be sure.” Replied Rarity, sighing dramatically. “Why, this one time I had a client who wanted twelve dresses done in less than a week! He just waltzed right into the boutique and started making demands, telling me each dress had to be done in a specific theme. And don’t even get me started on what he wanted me to do with the rubber duck – ”

Rarity apparently noticed Rainbow’s eyes slowly glazing over, but seemed to take it as a sign of her sickness rather than one of supreme disinterest. “Oh look at me, babbling on when you clearly feel as terrible as you look. I only wish there was something I could – ” The unicorn’s eyes lit up, and her muzzle split into a grin that truly terrified Rainbow, and would have made Twilight flashback to the Smarty Pants debacle.

Oh crud, I shoulda thought this through. Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say, please don’t…

“We can go to the spa! Oh, darling this is perfect! Fluttershy had to cancel this week’s appointment because some of her animals were acting up, so of course I took the time to work on an order instead of going by myself. This will be exactly what you need, Rainbow Dash, mark my words!”

And with that, the unicorn latched onto the flustered pegasus and began to haul her down the street with a strength belying what Rainbow had previously believed to be a squishy exterior. She could only stumble along after her eagerly chattering friend, a single thought looping continuously throughout her excessively caffeinated head: Dang, this girl must eat her spinach.

* * *

Rainbow Dash had a problem.

The steam swirled around them, looming down like an almost physical presence. She was curled up on the wooden bench of the sauna, muzzle propped on her crossed forehooves, and doing her utmost to stay awake. Rarity lounged across from her in the small space in a similar condition, although she had her eyes closed out of sheer pleasure rather than any overwhelming desire to nap enfolded within the contours of this fabricated heat haze. The problem arose not because Rainbow felt uncomfortable or bored – quite the opposite. Who knew a room packed full of densely heated air could feel so darn good? Her muscles were relaxed, her frequent caffeine-induced convulsions had been reduced to the occasional shudder, and each of her feathers seemed to flex outwards in some attempt to soak up as much warmth as possible.

It was freakin’ amazing.

“So, Rainbow,” Rarity challenged the twenty minute silence that had thus far stretched between them in this heavenly habitat, “feeling a bit better?”

The only response she received was a muffled grunt, but if anyone prided themselves on being friends with Rainbow (or on being intricately linked to her through powerful artefacts bestowed upon them by the forces of the universe, as the case may be) they learned very quickly that grunts and groans had their own language with her. Rarity deduced that this one levelled in somewhere between “This feels awesome yet I don’t want to admit that the spa is cool so I’ll try and deflect any questions by grunting” and “Sweet Celestia’s holy horn-of-plenty this is fantastic.” They could be oddly specific, sometimes.

“Well, I’m glad I could bring you along with me, Rainbow Dash. I just wouldn’t have felt right, leaving you feeling so sick after that – er – engrossing run-in on the road.”

There was another grunt, this one a bit less throaty and a bit more subdued than the last, and Rarity cocked her head to the side. “Yes, well, life goes on. It’s hardly your fault that you nearly bowled me over with a tidal wave of unimported, unsanitized dust, dust that ponies have been trodding on for decades, with who knows what on their hooves. Indoor plumbing was not always as much of a fad as it is today, you know. Our ancestors of the sixties were a bit on the wild side – let things fall where they may, if you catch my drift.”

The next noise to escape the pegasus required no decoding at all, as it was a violent snort that precluded a fit of seemingly uncontrollable giggles. “Pfft, Rarity, did you just mention poop?” The snickers escalated into a full blown laugh and Rarity rolled her eyes, although not without a small smile of her own gracing her otherwise reserved features.

“Yes, Rainbow, I obliquely referred to excrement – thank you, though, for obliterating my subtlety with your usual levels of class.”

“You know what, Rarity?” said Rainbow after her hilarity had subsided somewhat, “This ain’t half bad.” She rolled onto her side to face the unicorn, who was looking at her with poorly restrained glee. “I always thought only stuffy ponies would sit in a room stewing in their own juices doing nothing, but it turns out it’s actually pretty fun. You know, if you have the right company and all.”

The glee on Rarity’s face, originated, no doubt, from finally getting Rainbow Dash to admit that the spa didn’t, as she had so eloquently put it on previous occasions, “suck mouldy potatoes” faded somewhat. On the one hoof Rainbow’s description of a sauna irritated Rarity’s sensibilities, but on the other, she was also telling Rarity in her own roundabout way that she enjoyed her company, which the unicorn could sincerely appreciate, given that the feeling was mutual. “You know what, Rainbow, I feel the same way. Er, mostly. I would say we are being exfoliated rather than “stewing” but I suppose the outcome remains the same no matter which way one chooses to express it. And the company, though rather childish, is actually quite charming.”

Rainbow laughed. “Heh, well, you know me – can’t leave the house without stealing somepony’s heart.”

“Gah, you know what I meant.” Replied Rarity, though she too was smiling.

The two sat in companionable silence for a while, basking in the ambience of the steam. Rainbow realized something at this point – she didn’t hang out with Rarity nearly enough. Sure, they always appeared together at group functions, but how many times had they simply talked one on one? Had they ever even hung out like this before? Rainbow knew she didn’t have the best memory in Equestria, (multiple concussions will do that to a pony) but she was sure she would recall if they had, and she was currently coming up empty.

“You know, darling, if we stay in here much longer we run the risk of getting pruny.”

“Huh? Oh, right.” Rainbow shook herself out of her introspective daze and attempted to clamber to her hooves. Apparently steam made your joints and muscles feel like jelly, and not the awesome zap apple kind. Who knew?

After several ineffectual attempts, a white hoof presented itself to Rainbow’s vision, accompanied by a dainty chuckle. “Don’t worry, Rainbow dear. Saunas get easier with experience. In fact, I would go so far as to say that everything the spa has to offer gets even more enjoyable the more one partakes in it.”

Rainbow took the proffered hoof with nary a begrudging grumble, a fact that Rarity seemed to notice, if her raised eyebrow was anything to go by. “Are you alright, Rainbow? You seem…well, less taciturn than I would have expected.”

Rainbow huffed out a steamy breath, averting her eyes. “Yeah, I’m good. Better than good, actually. I was just thinkin’, maybe…” she frowned hard at the floor, as if willing it to speak the words for her. When the slick tile remained silent, she gave a little stomp to assert her dominance (Stupid floor. Who needs you, anyway?) and looked up, catching and holding Rarity’s concerned gaze. “I was just thinking, maybe we could do this again some time? I know we don’t always, uh, see eye to eye, but you’re a pretty cool pony, Rarity. Plus, what you said about the spa getting more fun the more you go – it's almost like a sport, then, right? I’ll get better at it if I practice, until maybe I can go extreme spa-ing, or something.”

Rarity was caught between the urge to burst into unlady-like giggle-snorts and melting with friendly affection. She decided on satiating both of her impulses, and leapt on the flustered pegasus with much more abandon than she would usually exhibit, while still retaining her lady-like poise. Her giggles were sans the snorting, but only barely. “I’d love to, darling. Ooh, I’m so glad you’ve finally come around! You’ve got so much going for you, and a little TLC will help your natural beauty shine through all the brighter. And I don’t know how extreme you’re willing to go, but a triple seaweed wrap followed by a thrice concentrated mineral mud mask is something I would only recommend to the most seasoned of spa-goers. And if you master that, there’s always acupuncture or Quake’s full-body massages.”

She’s hugging me! Thought Rainbow as Rarity nuzzled happily into her damp mane, still releasing little hums of delight and running through what Rainbow thought were other spa-y events the two of them could indulge in. She even thought she caught talk of entire group retreat weekends. Ha! And I didn’t even plan it out or anything! Take that, Twilight, you purple-plotted planner! Lists, schmists, disorganized Dash can get things done just as fast as any persnickety princess! Dash’s jubilation was cut short when she realized that she should have been focusing on the logistics of the hug, rather than mentally crowing about her victory over an absent and completely order-obsessed alicorn. Er, right. Time to be factual! How do I feel right now? Dash attempted to sink into science mode, willing her brain to pick up on every miniscule detail of her friend’s hooves wrapped around her neck. It felt…nice. It was warm – well, duh, we’re still in the frickin’ sauna! But still, it’s a different kind of warm…a…snuggly warm? Like an inside warm, instead of an outside one. Ok, so she had that down. Applejack’s hug had been warm, too, but somehow the two types of heat felt different. Gah! Note to self: hugging in a sauna skews test results. Ok, so what else is going on, here? Rainbow had her own hooves around Rarity by this point, and her muzzle rested atop her friend’s shoulder. She didn’t, however, have any desire to smell the unicorn’s mane, even if nestling into it brought a pleasant smile to her lips. Aha! Evidence! Of what, I’m not entirely sure, but still, it's something. I think. Rainbow also noted that her wings were quite calm as well, with no erratic twitching or unwanted ruffling to speak of. Which also meant something. Hmmm…I’m deducing a lot of somethings, at least. Somethings are probably good.

Rainbow was going to continue her mental evaluation, certain that there had to be more clues to be gleaned from this close encounter, when she realized that Rarity’s incessant chatter had cut off, and now the two of them were standing in sweaty silence. Rainbow quickly disengaged, grinning shiftily. “Aheh, sorry, Rares. Guess the old sauna nearly put me to sleep again.”

Rarity was eyeing her in a way that made Rainbow nervous. She didn’t seem upset that the pegasus had apparently zoned out while she had been speaking, nor did she appear concerned like she had before. Her smile was softer, and her expression more candid, and all of it was sending warning bells tolling obnoxiously through Rainbow’s head, like Pinkie Pie had personally broken into her skull. Why is she looking at me like that? Oh no, oh crap, oh no, oh crap! She knows I liked the hug! I mean, obviously I liked it, but she knows I liked it liked it. As in, this should be made an actual thing that happens more than once and in public places.

Rainbow was already backing away steadily when Rarity spoke. “Rainbow Dash – are you – are you –”

She couldn’t take it. She could handle Rarity knowing her secret, but for her to speak it out loud? If she outed her, the words could never be taken back. They’d be out there, and then Rarity would know that she knew that she knew, and soon her weakness would be common knowledge all over Equestria. All any new enemy of the state would have to do was create some sort of industrial hugging device and get it to Dash, and then the whole game would be over. Goodbye harmony, goodbye freedom, Equestria would be overrun by chaotic crystal changeling drones of death and it would be all her fault.

“ – A cuddlebug?”

Rainbow didn’t realize she was cringing with her hooves and wings over her eyes until the words left Rarity’s mouth. After they had, a building pressure seemed to release within her, and she didn’t have to force her wings and ears to droop disconsolately this time, as they did so of their own accord.

“Yeah.”

The admission released itself as a single gust of reluctant air, and once again Rainbow met the stoic gaze of the floor. There was no response for a while, as Rarity apparently took in this new development, and Rainbow tried her very hardest to glare a big enough hole into the tile so she could tunnel her way out of the spa and into the Everfree forest, where she hoped she would never be inclined to hug anything ever again. The implied threat of mauling or dismemberment could do wonders to dissuade a pony.

The hoof that came to rest tentatively on her shoulder nearly made her jump out of her skin; she had not heard Rarity approach. “Dear, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I, for one, find it utterly adorable.” She smiled down at the slouching pegasus puddle, who only seemed to dissolve further into melancholy at her words.

“Exactly! I’m awesome, not adorable. It's OK to like hugs, it's probably even cool to like hugs, but I like them too much. I just get all…I dunno, all mushy and stuff if I don’t really try to hold back when ponies hug me. If they go on for too long it only makes it harder, and next thing I know, I’m nuzzling them and thinking – ugh – sappy stuff, like how much I care about them and how glad I am that we’re friends and all that. It's not natural, Rarity.” Her eyes bored into those of her friend’s, as if beseeching her to fully grasp the critical nature of her predicament.

Rarity was having a rather difficult time indulging her; she was biting her tongue to keep from bursting into another fit of giggles, and her hooves were already halfway to wrapping the perturbed pegasus in yet another hug, an act she was quite sure Rainbow would not appreciate, given the current circumstances. Or appreciate too much, which really boiled down to the same thing. With a herculean effort (no doubt aided by her earlier over-consumption of spinach) Rarity managed to maintain a straight face, going so far as to reply consolingly, “Rainbow – it is perfectly natural to enjoy the closeness of another. Why do you think people use hugs as a sign of affection, if not to make others feel welcomed and appreciated? Not everyone desires the same level of closeness, of course – a fact that Pinkie Pie could probably benefit from looking into – but enjoying a tender or friendly embrace is hardly an oddity.”

Rainbow sighed, rubbing her left foreleg with her right and staring at the movement as if hoping it would distract her. “I guess. It's just, I kinda feel weird asking for them, you know? Like ponies expect me not to need them, so if they find out I’m actually really into them, then it messes up how they see me. Like now. You probably want to laugh at me, or coddle me, because I’m not normally a really snuggly pony, you know? And as soon as one pony knows, then everyone will know, and then no one will look at me the right way ever again. I’m tough; I’m the freakin’ Element of Loyalty, and all us girls have kicked flank a zillion times before, but none of that will matter if ponies figure out that I…well, that I like hugs a bit more than normal. I’ll just be some lame old softie that ponies won’t be able to rely on.”

Rarity, though she had originally reacted almost exactly as Rainbow Dash had predicted, was quite taken aback by her friend’s words. It was obvious that Rainbow often put up a front for other ponies – Rarity could recognize it readily, as she frequently constructed a similar façade herself. What wasn’t obvious, until now, was how invested Rainbow was in maintaining that front internally as well as externally. It was like she allowed herself a certain amount of leeway, but as soon as that self-proclaimed quota had been met, she had crossed a line, and couldn’t indulge any further without upsetting some inner balance. Rarity herself had been guilty on occasion of assuming that Rainbow didn’t feel as deeply or think as intensely as some of her other friends, and now she felt rather dreadful about it.

“Rainbow I – I had no idea you felt this way. I can assure you, none of us would think any less of you for admitting to needing comfort now and again. In fact,” and here Rarity very purposefully applied a slight pressure with the hoof still resting upon Rainbow’s shoulder, “I myself could use a bit of affection right now. Would you possibly mind…assisting me?”

Rainbow frowned, a large part of her aware of what Rarity was doing. An even more substantial part, however, could only feel grateful for it. She had never meant to reveal so much to anyone, let alone a friend that she’d hardly had a solitary conversation with. This whole hugging fiasco had begun because she hadn’t wanted to possibly have to deal with the idea of deeper feelings – feelings she still wasn’t entirely sure about – potentially existing between her and one of her friends, but maybe it was a step in the right direction, anyway. Maybe I am actually on to something with this cuddling thing, she thought as she nodded slowly at Rarity, before leaning into the unicorn for the second time that day. This time around she didn’t try to analyze the feeling of their coats brushing against each other, or investigate the exact type of warmth that flowed between them. This time, Rainbow Dash simply relaxed, knowing that a friend was there for her, and tried to convey the feeling that, sappy or not, she was there in return.

The two broke apart naturally, and when they did, they were both smiling. Rainbow decided to cut the stuttering and hesitation that had coloured the past few minutes of interaction and quickly replied with an earnest, “Thanks, Rares. Really. I needed that.”

Rarity waved an airy hoof, though her smile spoke differently. “No problem at all, darling. To be completely honest, so did I. Now, we really need to get out of this sauna, or prunes will look like airbrushed Canterlot models next to us.”

Rarity insisted on footing the bill for their extended stay in the sauna, and Rainbow knew better than to impose on the fashionista’s domain. They had almost returned to Rarity’s boutique, reaching the point in the path where they had nearly collided – Rarity’s discarded shopping basket greeting them with what Rainbow would swear was a reproachful frown embedded in its interwoven ribbons – when Rainbow remembered the exact origins of her plan. Deciding that she had already spilled her guts to Rarity on the whole hugging thing, she figured it couldn’t hurt to divulge just a little bit more.

“Hey, Rares…would it be weird if I asked you something kind of personal?”

Rarity paused mid-trot, peering over her shoulder at Rainbow through the encroaching gloom. “Not at all, dear. I daresay we crossed the ‘personal’ line a while back with your revelation, so it only seems fair that you ask me something in return.”

Rainbow scuffed a hoof against the dust of apparently questionable origins. Even though she could barely see Rarity’s face ahead of her, she kept her eyes averted. Old habits died hard, and Rainbow was by no means a master of the more emotional aspects of interaction, recent extended hugging sessions or no. “How – how d’you know if you like somepony? Like, I know what it feels like to notice a hot piece of flank or whatever, but what about actually, you know, caring for somepony? As more than a friend?” She began chewing her lip as soon as the words were out, as if to hold back any more embarrassing questions. This is stupid, why did I ask her? She’s gonna laugh, or get all weird on me. But…she was cool about the hugging thing, wasn’t she?

“Well, it's really hard to say,” began Rarity tentatively, clearly uncertain as to how to approach this new, open side Rainbow apparently saw fit to reveal to her. “Everyone deals with attraction differently, but most ponies agree that there is a definite desire to spend time with the pony in question, to be particularly close to them. Thoughts about…well, being intimate with them would not be amiss, either. There are different levels of attraction, and different types, so it's hard to say for certain. Did…did you have someone particular in mind, dear?”

Rainbow may have been fairly oblivious a lot of the time, but even she could tell that Rarity was trying her hardest not to let her curiosity get the best of her. Go big or go home, I guess. She screwed up her courage and blurted, “I think I might like Applej - apples.”

Rarity paused on the cusp of breaking into what promised to be a very large grin, and frowned. The mid-expression hitch made it look like she had to sneeze quite violently – a look any self-respecting lady tried to avoid at all costs. Fleur de Lis had been caught like that once and ended up on the cover of the Equestrian Inquirer over a year ago, and Rarity still found it difficult to greet her with a straight face. “Ahem, excuse me if I misheard you, Rainbow, but it sounded like you think you like apples.”

“Uh, yeah,” replied Rainbow, backpedalling. I can’t do it, I just can’t. What if it turns out I don’t really like AJ that way, and then I tell Rarity I do? Or what if I do really like AJ? She should at least be the first to know! Gah, stupid. “Like, they’re so delicious and round, y’know? And, uh, juicy. And apple-y.”

Rainbow’s shifty grin held firm against Rarity’s withering deadpan glare, but only just.

“So, uh, yeah. Thanks for all the help, Rares. Really, it's been a slice, but I gotta go…wax…Tank’s shell! Yeah! Poor guy isn’t that aerodynamic, so I gotta do all I can to help him out, ya dig? Heh.” Rainbow was already in the air, mouth moving as fast as her wings wanted to. “Alright. Make good choices, floss behind the ears and all that. Gotta boogey!”

And with that Pinkie-esque parting, she was gone, a fabulous bullet of colour even against the sullen backdrop of fallen dusk. Rarity stood immobile for several seconds, the dirt that had been kicked into the air by Rainbow’s over-exuberant takeoff settling along her back and mane like debris after an explosion. She blinked.

Without so much as a huff of disdain or a snort of incredulity, she picked up her basket in a sparkling blue glow and headed towards the boutique. If Rainbow Dash was finally willing to explore her infatuation with Applejack, then she had some planning to do.

Author's Note

Heya folks! I had a lot of fun writing Rarity - she can be so delightfully snarky, can't she? Or maybe I just take liberties with her character. Either one.

So yeah, some silliness and some seriousness, which surprised even me a bit. I found it hard to tell if the little switches were jarring or whether they fit well enough not to be, so I'll let you guys be the judges of what worked and what didn't.

As always - critiques, comments, whatever you likes - are always welcome. Until next time!

An Internal Interlude

The night had not been kind to Rainbow Dash. After her admittedly enlightening run-in with Rarity, she had decided to do a few laps of Ponyville’s perimeter to let off some steam and mentally berate her insubordinate brain. She wasn’t exactly sure how the whole internal berating of her own mental faculties worked, (it seemed somewhat counter-productive) but there was clearly a disconnect going on between her muzzle and her mind, given that she could hardly control anything that came out of the former anymore. She was undoubtedly suffering from a serious case of Motor-Mouth Syndrome – Pinkie Pie had probably given it to her. It would be just like the party pony to infect her with something like that – hadn’t they shared a water bottle on their most recent pranking expedition? Sharing isn’t always caring, Pinkie Pie.

In any case, flapping about in a tizzy over her favourite little town had done little to calm Rainbow’s thoughts, despite the impressive number of barrel-roles she had performed, and so her newly rekindled concerns followed her into her home and under the covers, where she could presently be found tossing and turning in particularly emphatic turmoil.

“Nggh…Guh…Mmgh….”

Tank had ceased trying to latch onto and climb his pegasus’s dangling comforter long ago, and had settled for plopping down on the fluffy floor by the side of her bed, beady eyes open and trained on the one blue appendage he could spot from his chosen place of vigil. To him it was one appendage (pony anatomy seemed to blur together for a near-sighted tortoise) but with the amount of thrashing about the pegasus managed, it could just as easily have been a wing as a hoof or a tail that he observed flailing through his limited field of vision.

“Twilight’s starry seat-meat! Why can’t I fall asleep?” This latest exclamation was complimented by a rather vehement toss of her everything, and Tank quickly found himself enshrouded in darkness. Plush, warm, fabricy darkness, to be sure, but his sudden lack of sight was distressing all the same.

Rainbow Dash flopped back disconsolately onto her now naked bed, stretching her limbs as if she meant to reach all four corners of its surface at once, before withdrawing and curling into a tiny ball on her side. Her eyes, previously closed tightly – as if forcing them shut as hard as she could would induce the much sought after sleep – finally grew tired of glaring into the inside of their own lids and so opened to reveal dark rings and weary pupils. The relaxing effects of the sauna had long since worn off, and her mane and fur were ruffled in all the wrong ways, so that if anyone were to spot her through her open window (which would be odd and more than a little concerning, given the hour) they would be much more likely to dub her pathetically dishevelled rather than daringly windswept, which was a distinction that could be hard to make in the best of circumstances.

“Hey, Tank?” the voice that issued forth lacked the previous heat, and encouraged the loyal tortoise to blindly bump around beneath his impromptu tent at an increased pace. The change would have been imperceptible to most ponies, but Rainbow had acquired what she liked to call an in-built ‘Tank Sense’ that let her read his minute movements and expressions with an accuracy that could only come from prolonged interaction and attachment. “Aw, sorry, buddy.” Rainbow reached down and unearthed her pet from the ensnaring folds of her comforter, before rolling onto her back and plonking him down on her chest. The tortoise took this opportunity to nudge his knobby snout under her own, burying his wrinkly neck into her fur. The close contact both relieved and inflamed Dash’s concerns, given the nature of her distress, but it didn’t stop her from reaching up and wrapping a hoof around her tough little pet, using the other to stroke the smooth contour of his shell. He was particularly cuddly, for a tortoise.

“You know, sometimes I wish I was a tortoise like you, Tank,” said Rainbow absently, eyes wandering over to the fading stars outside her window. “Then I could just nap and eat cabbage and chill in my shell all day, and I’d never have to worry about girls or guys or feelings or hugging or anything.”

There was an almost painful nudge to Rainbow’s throat, and she realized that Tank had nipped her with his crinkly beak. His eyes were reproachful when they met her own. “Aw, crap, I didn’t mean it that way, Tank! I know you lo – er – ” Tank’s head creaked upwards, then downwards, before repeating the motion just as resolutely. “Alright, I know you love me. I love you too, you crazy reptile. I just…” she sighed, “I don’t even know anymore. Do you think – do you think I should keep going with the experiment?” Naturally Tank had listened quite closely to his pegasus’s rantings before she had finally collapsed onto her bed to continue the battle with her thoughts and pillows, and now he paused for a bit, clearly mulling over her question. Rainbow waited with unusual patience. It wasn’t like she had anything better to do this late. Or early. Whatever. And he was worth waiting for – Tank could be surprisingly wise for a pet that couldn’t talk. Or maybe he was wise because he couldn’t. Huh, my brain goes to weirdly philo-so-whatsical places when it’s sleep-deprived.

Just as the sun’s light was beginning to caress the horizon, Tank nudged his glassy-eyed owner, making sure she was paying close attention.

He nodded firmly.

Rainbow felt a small smile curve its way across her muzzle, and, strangely enough, a large weight lift from her shoulders, courtesy of the one currently propped upon her chest.

Tank observed his owner, taking note of the decreased frequency of the hoofstrokes over his shell, and the slower, more even breaths that moved his body up and down in tune with hers. Golden-pink rays were gracing the sky when he finally felt her drift off to sleep, and, his work done, Tank re-nuzzled into that perfect hollow above her collarbone, beak curled into a matching, if perhaps wrinklier, smile.

* * *

Mayor Mare was not impressed. Her morning coffee had been too cold and too sugary, she had nearly been scalped by a falling flower pot on the way to the office (she clearly needed to issue a ban on second story window boxes, if ponies were so unable to keep their plants in line) and now, to complete this unfortunate trifecta, the weather schedule for the following month was not perched primly upon her desk, as it should have been. After a cursory inspection of her papers and folders (though she could not imagine Dash taking the trouble to actually file the schedule, if her past submissions of “Oh, the schedule? Yeah, I chucked it on your desk” were anything to go by) it was obvious that no such document had ever been submitted, and that Mare’s day was about to get even more tedious. She pressed a button, which opened up a magic conduit between her desk and the secretary’s a floor below. “Flo, cancel my eleven o’clock meeting. I have a feeling that the weather schedule isn’t going to fly itself in here anytime soon.”

* * *

“Dashie!”
“blgh.”
“No, silly, it’s Pinkie Pie!”
“Blaghh…”

“I don’t know who this ‘Blaghh’ is, but if you wanted to hang out with them so much you should’ve asked me to invite them!” There was a very audible gasping noise, so that Rainbow Dash, currently in the process of trying to suffocate herself with her own pillow, could still hear it clearly in all its glory, “There’s a new pony in town and you didn’t even tell me?! Rainbow Dash, how could you?”

Rainbow Dash knew she needed to properly reacquaint herself with the world of the living, stat, or Pinkie was likely to drag her all over Ponyville in search of this new, non-existent foreign pony. “Hey, Pinks,” she mumbled lethargically, “‘mover here.”

The words were barely out of her mouth before her covers were yanked free and the cruel glare of sunlight assaulted her eyes. Too late, she realized that she was still clutching Tank to her chest, shading his shell with a wing.

“Aw, Dashie, you and Tank look so snuggly together!”

Rainbow quickly straightened, running a hoof through her mane and shielding her still-sensitive vision with the other. “Oh, uh, yeah. He gets really chilly at night if I don’t keep him close. You know, him being cold-blooded and all that.”

Such an excuse probably wouldn’t have flown with anypony like Twilight or Fluttershy, but Pinkie Pie took it in stride. Or bounce, given that she was dangling about under half a dozen balloons, her flailing earth pony hooves making temporary troughs in the floor. “Ooh, that’s so smart of you, Dashie! Gummy doesn’t usually like to cuddle, so I made him pyjamas instead!” her grin became even wider, the glare off of her teeth easily matching that of the pearly cloud walls behind her. “Ooh, I know! We should totally have a reptile slumber party! I could make PJ’s for Tank, too, and then him and Gummy could eat sweets and play games and all that fun stuff! And obviously we’d have to do it too, because we’d have to taste-test the sweets to make sure they were good enough, and play-test the games, to make sure they were fun enough.”

Rainbow Dash was completely fine with a reptile slumber party if it kept Pinkie off the topics of imaginary ponies named ‘Blaghh’ or her sleeping habits. The surprise that may have once accompanied Pinkie drifting in through her bedroom window while she was out like a light had long-since been replaced with a kind of amused resignation, and so Rainbow plodded off to the bathroom to snag a quick shower while the other pony rambled on about matching onesies and which type of pastry would be best for consumption by two toothless animals.

“And so I said, ‘what’s with the long face?’ Get it?”

“Gyah! Pinkie! Shower! You – out! Now!”

“Aw, what’sa matter, Dashie? It’s not like we ever really wear clothes, anyway. It’s like I’m talking to you in an itty bitty rainstorm!”

With a valiant gust of her wings, Rainbow Dash wafted Pinkie (still bobbing along on her balloons) out from her shower cubicle, muttering all the while. The words “personal space” and “boundaries” could be made out frequently. “Restraining order” may have also popped up once or twice, but if later asked Rainbow would say it was a heat of the moment sentiment that couldn’t possibly survive past a retasting of Pinkie’s triple chocolate layer cake.

Amidst the grumbling and muffled curses, Rainbow managed to wash up and towel off, and she re-emerged feeling twenty times better than when she had entered, interruption and all. She ran a hoof through her damp mane, spotting Pinkie floating over near the window, oddly silent. As she got closer she realized that Pinkie’s gaze was rather pensive as she surveyed the tapestry of Ponyville laid out before her. She was gripping Tank and petting him softly, much like Dash herself had been the night before as she had sought the elusive ghost of sleep.

“Uh, Pinks? You Okay?”

Pinkie whirled around, an impressive feat considering she was dangling from multiple unruly bags of helium. “I’m just dapper, Dashie! Why d’ya ask?”

Rainbow rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly, feeling like she had caught her friend in a moment she shouldn’t have. “Oh, well…I guess you just looked a little…thinky.”

Pinkie giggled. “Silly Dashie, that’s not a word. I like it!” she paddled through the air towards her, patting Tank on the head as she went. “Make way for Thinky Pinkie!”

Dash felt a silly grin work its way across her own features. “I think Tank likes Thinky Pinkie, too,” and she pointed to where the tortoise was arching his neck so Pinkie could scratch closer to where it met his shell, making the weird little crooning noises Dash assumed all tortoises made. Or maybe Tank was just funny that way. She couldn’t be sure.

“Well of course he does!” Pinkie chirped, “Everything’s better when it rhymes! Why do you think people like Zecora so much? The way she talks is fun on a bun!”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, but the grin that had taken up residence on her face apparently wasn’t moving out any time soon, rent money be darned. “You would find a way to bring food into this.”

“Dashie, that’s it!” Pinkie relocated Tank to her back and squashed Rainbow’s unsuspecting face between her freshly unencumbered forehooves. “A fun sandwich! I could make it with party pastrami and pickles, and tomfoolery tomatoes! Carousing ketchup and celebratory celery! With mariachi mayo and mustard, and jiving jalapenos!”

“Uh, Pinkie,” Rainbow managed to sputter into the small space between them, “I’m no language whiz like Twilight, but I think it’s jalapeno with an ‘H.’”

“Hmmm…” Pinkie paused in her exuberant litany, removing one vice-like hoof from Rainbow’s face to tap her chin thoughtfully. Rainbow saw her chance and took it, prying herself from the remaining foreleg and scooting backwards a good three feet. “Aha!” exclaimed Pinkie, apparently not noticing anything amiss, “Happening jalapenos!” She giggle-snorted. “Wow, alliteration can be hard.”

Rainbow massaged feeling back into her face. “Heh, sure. I’m not sure what you have a litter of, but why not? So – ” Rainbow inched back to a friendly distance, knowing that if Pinkie decided to pounce again, it wouldn’t matter how far away she was. Her voice took on a conspiratorial tone – if Pinkie was going to break into her house early in the morning, she may as well make the most of it. “You manage to get the stuff we talked about last time? For the,” Rainbow looked around, but only she, Pinkie, and a studiously oblivious Tank, who had retreated back into his shell, were present. “Thing?”

Pinkie repeated the process of glancing left and right (checking under Rainbow’s covers and within her own mane for good measure) before she leaned in, almost as close as before, her mouth mere millimetres from Dash’s tensed ear, “Yeperooni!”

“Gah!” Rainbow fell back, clutching her ringing ear. “Pinkie Pie! Haven’t we written a friendship letter about not screaming ponies’ flippin’ brains out yet? If we haven’t, we should.”

Pinkie frowned. “I don’t think so,” she eyed Rainbow’s grimace, and her frown deepened, the lines of concern around her mouth flitting up about her eyes as well. “I’m sorry, Dashie. I just get super excited sometimes, and I forget that eardrums can only handle excitement from far away.”

Rainbow gave her ear a final rub before slipping a hoof around her dejected looking friend. “Hey, no worries. Just, uh, try not to do it again, alright?”

Pinkie nodded, but a bit of her pep seemed to have leached away into the brightening sun. Aw, crud, she still looks kinda mopey. C’mon, Dash, put on your awesome pants and figure out a way to cheer her up. “So – you got the stuff, and we both have some free time, right?”

Pinkie nodded again, frown wavering, eyes taking on a curious tint.

“Well then, what are we waiting for?” Dash zipped over to her dresser and pulled a pair of sunglasses from the top drawer. She slowly pulled back the arms – she had picked up the technique from Spitfire – and positioned them on the bridge of her muzzle, low enough so she could peer over them in the coolest manner possible. Her pranking shades were indiscernible from her regular ones, save for the curly pink “P” Pinkie had bestowed upon the right arm. Dash had left it there because it seemed to mean a lot to her friend, who had painstakingly, her tongue alongside the paintbrush between her teeth, etched the surprisingly intricate letter on after their first successful pranking mission, and, incidentally, their first outing as real friends. Pinkie said it stood for “prank,” which would make sense, but the colour made it extremely easy to associate it with the party pony herself.

Pinkie brightened considerably upon spotting them, and she air-bounded over to Dash, silly grin in place. “You don’t mean – ”

Dash pulled Pinkie close with one leg, using the other to gesture to the patchwork of Ponyville below, as if inviting her to envision the endless possibilities before them. “Oh, I do. It’s the perfect time to lay the groundwork for our ultimate prank.” Meaning it’s the perfect time for you to get your mind off of other things.

Rainbow’s right eye twitched. Hey, shut up, brain. If I want to go and have some completely distracting and possibly dangerous fun with one of my best friends instead of thinking about complicated emotional junk I don’t need permission from you. In fact, you’re not even invited, so go away and be a snooty worry-brain somewhere else.

Her left eye twitched. Of course you don’t need me. That’s what I’m afraid of. If you ever used me in the first place you wouldn’t even be in this situation! You’d rather take advice from a turtle, for Celestia’s sake!

Both eyes spasmed in tandem. It’s tortoise! Gah, that’s it – hit the road, buddy, from here on out, consider us divorced. I’ll get Twilight to write up the paperwork later. There was a final ocular jitter. Fine! But I’m taking the Wonderbolt’s posters! You’re lucky we don’t have kids!

Dash broke free of her silent battle of facial contortions to see Pinkie wearing a disturbing and highly improbable expression. “Whoa – Pinkie! You – I didn’t even know nostrils could do that.”

Pinkie giggle snorted, releasing her hold on her muzzle. It slid back into place with an ease Dash didn’t think any other pony could manage – not without surgery, at least. “Teehee – I don’t know why you even bother with silly face competitions anymore, Dashie. I always win, and you already said you don’t want lessons.”

“You don’t mess with perfection, Pinkie. I’d be letting ponies down if I made it so they couldn’t stare at this –” she tossed her head dramatically - “all day.”

Pinkie giggled again. “Sure, Dashie. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you lost.”

Dash cuffed her upside the poofy mane. “Ah, shut it, you. So, anyway – back to our ultimate prank.”

Pinkie withheld a spluttering gasp. She did so very poorly, air escaping noisily from around the hooves she had shoved over her mouth, but Dash gave her points for effort. Friends did that sort of thing. “You mean the prank that’s so epic, so awesome, that we had to develop a codename for it? The super special awesome prank of epic proportions? Or T.S.S.A.P.O.E.P for short?”

Rainbow nodded, though her daring smirk faltered slightly. “You know, we should really think up a new codename. That went from cool secret society wordy to nerdy Twilight wordy faster than Celestia at a cake convention.”

“Mmm, cake. With frosting, lots and lots of frosting…Vanilla, chocolate, raspberry ripple…”

Rainbow waved a hoof in front of Pinkie’s face. Her eyes were glazed over, and a drop of drool dripped from the corner of her open mouth. “Aaand, she’s out. Probably quicker for me to get us both down there, anyway.” Dash scooped up the prone Pinkie, dropping her unceremoniously onto her back. Once her weight had transferred to Dash, the balloons round her middle seemed to return to their normal-not-able-to-support-a-fully-grown-pony state and settled for bobbing above the two equines jauntily. “Hey buddy, think you can hold the fort down while we go shake things up a bit?”

Tank emerged from his shell in reply, his right leg creaking upwards in what would, ten minutes from now, be an unmistakable salute. Dash took it on good faith that he’d complete the gesture, made sure Pinkie was secure and that not too large a quantity of drool was getting on her fur, and sped off into the sunlight, sights set on an unsuspecting Ponyville.