A peach eats a peach

by Wolloh Esrever

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Dark
Length: 1020

Norman Johnson the peach eats his boss. Very simple.

Norman Johnson is a peach. He has committed a terrible crime. And now he has to defend himself in court.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-20 21:49:42 UTC

The story of Norman Johnson

Yes, I’m going to tell about yesterday morning, your Honour.

I was at my desk working like I do everyday. Because, you know, I’m a hard worker, always been. It’s in my juice or something. I’ve spent fifteen years of my life in that office, breaking my peel, earning money for my family.

Because, you see, I’ve a wife and two children. You should see them, they are the most precious things in the world. The eldest is starting school this year, she is so excited. Last week, for example,  we were going to buy the textbooks. I had to save money for a month to by them all, and…

I-I’m, I’m getting carried away you say? My deepest apologies, your Honour, I just love them very much. So, where was I? Oh right. So, nopeach gives a shit… I’m sorry, I meant: Nopeach cares for my hard work. They, I mean my coworkers,  always teases me because I wasn’t born with a silver knife in my pulp, because I’m poor and because unlike them I know how to do my job well.  They are bunch of bastards. But the real problems was my boss. He is… I’m sorry he was, like, the emperor of bastards, the biggest son of a plum I’ve ever met, he…

What? No, no… I didn’t mean that of course. Yes, yes I know plums are respectable members of our society. Yes, I know well they are the same as you and me. I’m awfully sorry, that shall  repeat, your Honour…

I just wanted to make all know how terrible the boss was with me. Always making me work overtime.

Yes when I talk about my boss, I’m referring to Mr. McPeachy. Ha ha, what a stupid name by the way, I’ve always thought this. Mr. Delicious McPeachy. Why somepeach would have a pun about his spicie in his name? I mean, it’s like calling a bird Birdy Dingy. It’s just dumb.

But I’m getting distracted here. I’ll just tell what happened yesterday. I arrived at office at 7:30 AM like I always do. Only to find out that somepeach had decided it would be very funny to cancel all the data on my computer, making me waste weeks of hard works and likely much, much money.

How I knew it was not a mere computer malfunction? Well, my most dear coworkers were laughing at me. They didn’t even make an effort to hide it. They ASKED me what was wrong. I had a hard time trying to stop myself from ripping their petioles off. That’s (of course) when McPeachy decided to turn up. He came to me with a large “I’m going to enjoy this like a rapist” kind of smile on his peel.

And… And he, he had the courage to ask me to deliver him my works of the past few weeks. He knew. He knew full well that I couldn’t. Hell, maybe he cancelled The data himself, that fucking bastard. I answered that it was not possible through my gritting teeth. And the bastard told me that, in that case, it was not possible for me to get paid this month.

Then I lost it. I couldn’t tolerate THAT. I hadn’t had a decent meal in four days. FOUR FUCKING DAYS. I gave all the little money of my salary to my family. How would have I lived without this month’s money? I couldn’t, that’s the truth.

AND HE KNEW! And he was SMILING!

I opened my mouth and lunged against him.

Now, I don’t want to describe what followed. I’m sure you already listened to all the witnesses. I want to say one last thing: I’m sorry, that was not me. My life… My life was just too much stressed. I want to offer my apologies to every fruit here, and my condolences to Mr. McPeachy’s family, I had nothing against them. I pray you, your Honour, to be merciful with my judgement. My family needs me. Thank you all  for your attention.

As he said that Norman Johnson sat down. Silence reigned in the room. Fruits of all kind and flavors were staring at the defendant. The judge, an old brown banana called Cornelius Hobbes, waited quietly, then finally he spoke:

“Mr. Johnson, I understand your motives, I really do. What you went through in all this years sadden me deeply. And I’m ashamed that our beloved country and this court left your’s boss conduct go unpunished…”

Norman was holding his breath.

“... but what you committed is an atrocious crime. Cannibalism. In all my years as a judge I’ve never even imagined such an infruity act could happen again. Not after the apples.”

Hearing this name, everyfruit in the room shivered.  That was a subject that nofruit liked to bring up. Apples, the murderous and treacherous race that tried to gain control over the others during the the Dark Times. The ripest ones still carried memories about the famines, the conflicts. The purges. In that times episodes of cannibalism between fruits were daily. Fortunately in the end apples were all wiped out and peace returned.

“This crime against fruitkind deserves the most severe punishment.” Cornelius continued “Mr. Johnson, tomorrow you will be brought to Saint Pete Prison where you will be executed by pitting. May the Seed Almighty have mercy of your soul.”

The judge’s hammer’s sound echoed in the room.

“NO!! Please, I can’t die! My family needs me! I don’t want!!” Norman screamed desperate.

But it was useless. Two pineapples guards surrounded him from both sides, restricting him with handcuffs made of pony intestines,  and dragged him away to his certain death. Another victim of a system that only protects the riches.

The End.

Uh? You are confused? It’s about the pony intestines? Haven’t I mentioned that fruits use ponies as building material? No? Well, they do. They eat them too, on a regular basis. As a matter of fact a peach was eating Twilight Sparkle during the events of this story. But that was not so important, wasn’t it?