Please Scream In Frustration Now
Apple Bloom raced downstairs an hour after lunch one gloomy weekend afternoon. "Applejack!" she cried. "Ah can't get on th' Canternet!"
Applejack groaned. Ever since Twilight had insisted all her friends get computers and sign up for Canternet access, there had been one problem after another with the Apple family's computer. With a sigh, she pulled out the Handy Guide To Fixing Your Canternet that had come with the computer. "Let's see now...is ever'thing plugged in?"
Apple Bloom nodded. "And turned on, and all the lights are on on the modem and the router. It just won't connect!"
Applejack sighed. "Fine, Ah'll call..." She swallowed a thick, heavy lump in her throat. "...Customer Service."
Finding a telephone number in extremely small print in the back of the help guide, Applejack walked over to the phone, picked it up, and began dialing. As she did so, Apple Bloom ran into the room with the latest account statement from Canternet, knowing that Applejack would need it during the call.
//Thank you for loving our service here at Canternet,// an obnoxiously cheerful automated voice answered after two rings. //To tell us how much you love our service, please say 'One' now. To sign up for our service so that you can love it as much as our users, please say 'Two' now. If you are experiencing difficulty in loving our service, please say 'Three' now. If you do not love our service, please hang up at this time. For additional options, please say 'Derp' now.//
Applejack rolled her eyes. "Three," she said.
//Thank you for saying 'Three'. Please describe the difficulty you are experiencing loving our service, and please speak as clearly as possible. For example, if you find you are unable to connect to our service, please say, 'Can't Connect'. If you have misplaced or forgotten your password, please say, 'Password Help'. If—//
"Can't connect."
//Thank you for saying 'Can't Connect'. One moment please.// After a five second pause, the voice returned. //Please choose from one of our following options. You may say, 'No connection', or, 'Modem not working', or, 'I forgot to pay my bill', or—//
"No connection."
//One moment, please.// A brief pause. //Our diagnostics indicate that our service is functioning properly. If you require assistance connecting to Canternet from your computer, please say, 'I am stupid and do not know how to use my computer' now. Otherwise, please choose from one of our following options...//
Without even letting the automated voice finished, Applejack pressed zero twice on the phone.
//Fine, don't let me finish. See if I care. You are now being connected to someone who can actually listen to your problem and further assist you. Please be advised that your call may be monitored for quality assurance. Anything you say can and will be used against you in small claims court. Please hold for our next available representative.//
The obnoxious computer voice was replaced by an elevator music cover of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida". A full seventeen minutes (almost long enough for the entire song to play from start to finish) later, the hold music was replaced with a brief burst of static, followed by a thickly-accented voice. //Good afternoon, and thank you for smurfing our Customer Smurfice Department. My name is Unhelpful Smurf, how may I smurf you today?//
Applejack blinked. "Uh...yeah. My name's Applejack, Ah'm callin' because mah Canternet's down..."
//I see...I am very sorry to smurf that, ma'am. Now, if you would please smurf to make sure your computer is smurfed in, then make sure your smurf and smurfer are smurfing properly, that means first the smurf light will smurf, then the smurf light will smurf twice, then—//
"We already checked all that, just like y'all's book says," Applejack said.
//Yes, but we must smurf procedure, so if you would please do as I smurf—//
"Ah'm tellin' ya, Ah already done all that!" Applejack snapped.
//Yes, I am understanding this, ma'am, but we have to smurf procedure—//
Applejack let out a frustrated groan. "Fine," she spat. "Ah'm goin' an' checkin' all that now." Applejack went through ten minutes of checking things she could see at a glance were working properly, all while the annoying and unhelpful turd on the other end of the line enumerated every tiny detail of the process in his gratingly thick, incomprehensible accent. Once they had determined that there was, in fact, nothing wrong with Applejack's computer, Unhelpful Smurf said, //If you would please to be smurfing me your smurf number, your smurfword, and a smurf number you can be smurfed at, I'll just smurf up your account...//
*Yeah, Ah'll just bet you'll smurf up my account.* Applejack rattled off all the information from her account statement. //Smurf you very much,// Unhelpful Smurf said. There was a sound of keys clicking. //Ooooh, yes yes, I smurf the problem now. I am sorry, ma'am, our technicians are smurfing the Ponyville access smurfer at the moment. Your Canternet access will resmurf sometime in the next smurf to smurf hours.//
Applejack growled. "Y'all coulda just told me that in th' first place! Do y'all know how much time Ah wasted goin' over all this crud on mah end that Ah knew weren't the problem?"
//I am sorry very much, ma'am, but we must smurf procedure. If you would please wait smurf to smurf hours, your service should resmurf. If it does not, please smurf back again later. Now, was there anything else I can smurf you with today?//
"No, no...Ah think you've smurfed me enough," Applejack replied. "Maybe y'all should just go an' smurf yourself for a little while." With that, she slammed the phone down angrily and stomped upstairs. "Canternet's down for service, sugarcube," she said.
"Oh, okay," Apple Bloom said. "Jeez, what took so long just to tell you that?"
Applejack shrugged. "Ah dunno, li'l sis. Ah reckon them people they got answerin' th' phones jes' don't speak Equish."
Author's Note
"Unhelpful Smurf" is not an actual smurf. Names were changed to protect the annoying.
Dedicated to everyone who's ever had to deal with outsourced customer support.
