Misplaced Conceit

How long was it dark? I couldn't tell, that's the funny thing about your concept of time, you never really appreciate it until it's gone. It could have took anywhere between ten seconds and ten years, but there was no way to tell. After this agitating and troubling delay, I woke up.

Something was wrong.

Very wrong.

In an instant I flung my eyelids open, a harshly bright light was on my face. It almost felt unnatural, and it was definitely surreal. Everything looked different, and if there was one thing I was sure of, it's that I wasn't sitting at my computer desk anymore. I appeared to be in some kind of forest, tall trees loomed overhead, but there were gaps in their foliage allowing almost blinding rays of the sun to fall through.

Oddly, I could only barely recall a lot of things about myself.

I saw what appeared to be a....horse? No, that can't be right, whatever I was looking at only vaguely had equine anatomy. It was a green horse-thingy. I was scanning it head to hoof. His mane was spiky and two colored, one part being a darker green and the other being a celadon. He wore glasses, and his eyes were a brilliant viridian. It was so strange, I had concluded there was no way that this was real. I had to do something drastic to prove to myself that I was dreaming and that there would be no consequences for my actions, so I took the reasonable course of action and started to fuck the stallion from behind.

I almost immediately realized that my course of logic could only be described as "Fucktarded" by an outside observer. But I was in all likelihood dreaming or dead, so it probably didn't matter anyway.

"Ugh...hello there...strange creature. Why are you fucking me?" the green pony inquired nonchalantly.

"Because I assume this isn't real and that I'm not actually fucking anything." I said, the green pony reacted by pushing me off.

"I assure you, this is real. What's your name? I'm Harmonic Revelations, a scholar." He said, readjusting the glasses on his face, extending a hoof to shake mine. I was confused by how much he took the current situation with stride, if this was in fact real life.

"I..." I started speaking and thinking, but for some reason, could not recall my name. I put a hand to my forehead, and removed it. I noticed that there was blood.

"I can't remember." I said flatly.

Harmonic started scanning me up and down, until his eyes met my forehead, and he stopped. He put his hoof to his chin, before beginning to speak.

"It's quite a gash you have there. You must have taken quite a beating.." He said, clearly in the midst of thought.

"I don't remember anything that could have caused a wound on my head." I answered in an actually curious tone of voice.

"That's to be expected, head wounds really like doing that." He said with a chuckle.

It was just then that I remembered that I had literally just fucked this pony from behind for no apparent reason.

"Uh...sorry about having buttsex with you out of absolutely nowhere." I said sheepishly.

"It's quite alright, I am a heart throb. But I was wondering, what species are you? I've never seen your kind around here before." He vocalized.

"Well, you see, I'm a human. I'm not entirely sure what you are either, or how I got here." I stated. I was being completely honest.

"I see. This is truly fascinating." He almost shouted with excitement.

It was only then that I noticed the mare with him, a cream colored pony, except without a horn like Harmonic had. That sight was followed by the revelation that she probably saw what I did to him. I avoided eye contact with her.

"So, what brings you here?" I asked in a vain attempt to make small talk. I didn't honestly care, but I was in a position where my survival might depend on being on Harmonic's good side.

"I was performing a study on a group of ponies from this area, the elements of Harmony. You actually arrived at a lucky time, then, as I am usually in Canterlot. Since I'm here, I can show you back to town, it's a quaint place."

"Wouldn't the others be suspicious of me? I mean, you yourself said my kind has never been seen around here." I questioned.

"Ponies are quite accepting of others, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised." He said, as he started to trot onto a dirt road, I followed him, and so did the mare with him. I only had one question, one that I desperately needed an answer to.

Where am I?

Well, with nothing else to talk about, I turned my attention to the mare who was also keeping us company along our walk.

"Hello there, who are you?" I asked. I might as well know their names, they did probably just save me from starving to death or just generally being lost. I could at least be thankful for that. After all, I doubt I would have noticed my head wound if Harmonic had not told me it was there.

"I'm Flicker Sweet..." she said, she seemed to be shy towards me. Thinking about why, I realized that compared to these ponies, I'm actually relatively small, considering that they're a little taller than me, even though they're quadrupeds and I'm bipedal.

"That's a nice name, fits your butt tattoo." I said in a mocking manner.

"That's a cutiemark." Harmonic said.

"Oh." I said. Everybody's a critic. I kicked at the ground, stirring up dust into the air.

As we continued forward, something came into view. The top of a building. Then even more buildings appeared on the edge of my line of vision. Maybe it wouldn't be such a long walk after all.

"So, who are these 'Elements of Harmony' that you mentioned earlier, Harmonic?" I asked, while I didn't actually have any intent of getting to know these ponies, I assumed it would help if I at least knew who we were going to go visit. After all, the last time I followed a stranger through the woods with no idea where we were going, I couldn't sit down for a week after that.

"They are more or less ponies with a gifted talent in certain personality traits." He said. His monotonous tone and boring wording made me want to fall asleep.

The time passed slowly, but eventually we did make it to our apparent destination. A tree. A fucking tree. I was already in a forest, I didn't need any help finding trees. But it was then that I noticed it had a door.

"Do cookie-making elves live in here?" I inquired. The ponies gave blank stares, once again my genius is unappreciated. Harmonic walked up to the door and gave a knock, a purple unicorn opened the door.

"Hello, Twilight. I would not like to disturb you, but these circumstances are unusual." He said apologetically.

Twilight, however, payed him no mind and looked past him, directly towards me. She approached, eyeing me head to toe. It was pretty creepy, and even worried me to a certain extent.

"What are you?" She asked in a uppity tone, with a sparkle in her eye that told me that she was the curious type. It was a stark contrast to the way she was looking at me originally.

"I'm a human. I'm not from here. I don't know how far away I am from home, be it planets, galaxies, universes, or dimensions apart." I said. I am not sure why I was so trusting to her, or maybe it was that I felt like I had to tell them what they asked because I was unarmed, either or.

She seemed satisfied with the answer, and motioned the lot of us to go into the house. Harmonic however, shook his head, apparently he and Flicker had other things to do. They took off, leaving me with this Twilight pony. I walked into her house, noticing quickly all the books. This could easily be a library. Gathered around a table are five ponies and a....actually I'm not sure what that is. It's purple, I know that much, with a green belly.

"Greetings, candy-colored horses." I said, taking a seat in an empty spot, away from the seats of these ponies. They eyed me with suspicion and curiosity. The pink one was bouncing and grinning widely, in fact, her chair was moving up and down like a pogo-stick.

The ponies introduced themselves to me quickly, each stating their name. Which was definitely an important step in having a conversation with inter-dimensional beings.

"Twi, what in tarnation is he?" Applejack asked, looking at Twilight.

"He's a human." Twilight said.

"That I am, and well, there are just a few more things you should know." I said. My memory had, for the most part, returned to me. I decided I should give them a basic rundown of all the things I remembered about Earth and humanity and cheap fast food.

"First of all, I come from Earth, it's a planet made mostly out of water and fucks I don't give. Humans are in a constant political state of bickering over stupid shit in a successful attempt to make sure that nothing meaningful ever gets done. Our main hobbies are war and being better than everybody else." I said in a condescending tone of voice. Some of them seemed to understand my humor, I had no such luck with Rarity, who, while understanding what I said, was clearly offended, probably by how much cussing I was doing. Fluttershy was cowering, and Rainbow Dash's jaw was practically on the floor. Pinkie was still bouncing, Twilight was taking notes, and Applejack seemed unaffected.

"Is that really true?" Twilight said, letting out a deep sigh.

"Yes, I just put it into my own words." I replied.

"Alright then. Spike, take a letter for the princess." Twilight said.

Spike sat up, and dutifully pulled out a scroll and quill, taking down all of the words Twilight was saying. I'm sure she was saying something interesting and what-not, but all I heard was "blahblahblahblahblah". I dazed out and looked towards the walls, trying to look like I was thinking, maybe the ponies will realize how much smarter I am than they are. I only had to look cooler than everybody else for so long on Earth before they got it, how different could things be here?

After a while, I was brought out of my own little world by a knock on the door. Rarity went over to get it. I glanced in her direction and saw two ponies who were even taller walk in. One white in color and the other a dark blue. Due to their outfits, I assume they're important.

"This is the human" Twilight said, pointing at me.

"In the flesh." I said. I struck a semi-dramatic pose and flexed my muscles.

Neither of the namby pamby pony princesses seemed amused by my muscle flexing, so I tried to start a conversation.

"Sup?" Was all I had to say. I am not sure of the formalities of greeting monarchs from a dimension where things like friendship and respect are actually valued.

Both of the princesses walked in, the smaller one eyed me suspiciously. Even while I was standing up straight, they are still at least twice as tall as I am, that would make them over ten feet tall, which is honestly very tall for a quadruped. They were imposing, almost intimidating, but I tried to get such thoughts out of my head.

"Greetings, I am Princess Celestia. Welcome to Equestria." Princess Celestia said.

At least they are giving me a warm welcome, I suppose.

"Hello, my friends call me HR." I said. I was almost uncomfortable telling her my real name. On one hand, these ponies have been very kind, on the other, they are another race of inferior creatures, perhaps they intended to harm me or something. I had no way to tell.

Luna remained silent, maybe she disliked me. That doesn't concern me too much. Her respect isn't my life goal, an orgy while eating a pound of bacon is. I returned her grimace with my own, hoping to scare a creature that could easily stomp me to death if that was their prerogative. I have never been a good strategist. Not everybody can be the very model of a Modern-Major General, after all. I don't have information animal, vegetable and mineral.

"It's nice to meet you, HR. My sister Luna and I are the Princesses of Equestria."

"And I am a captain of the Intergalactic House of Pancakes." I said. Luna stifled a giggle, and Celestia did not change facial expressions at all.

This could either end okay or very horribly, depending on what I say. I felt like the spotlight was on me, and was unsure what to do next.