Radiance and Humdrum: An Awful Animatronic Arachnid Adventure!

This is just the best day ever, Spike thought.

Not only had he actually lived in the world of his favourite comic… Not only had he saved the day… Not only had he proven himself to all the girls that he was just as good and important as they are—now Rarity had invited him over for tea and biscuits!

Well, not him, per se; rather, she’d invited the whole group. They’d all gone to Carousel Boutique for a bit of refreshment after their adventure in Maretropolis, and he’d just sort of tagged along. But hey, she hadn’t said no! And she had even smiled at him when he had remembered to put on that little napkin thingie she made him so that he didn’t spill all down his scales again.

Just remembering that smile made him shiver in delight. It was so personal! It was just for him, and no-one else!

And now, she said she had something else just for him! This was just too good to be true. The rest of the gang had already left, drifting back to their own lives – but he was still here. He was going to spend some quality time with Rarity. Sure, she’d already taken like an hour or so, but she was always worth the wait. And she was getting him a present, to boot.

Oooh, maybe it was some boots! Or a nice little scarf! Or even – dare he even hope? – a big tub of sapphire-flavoured ice cream with emerald chunks!

“Spike dear, I do appreciate you waiting so patiently, but you really must stop drooling on my carpets.”

Spike glanced down and noticed the puddle forming at his feet. He looked back up guiltily. “Sorry, Rarity. I was just thinking about—uh, Rarity?”

There was nopony there. Rarity’s ‘tea room’ was empty, save for himself, the chairs, the coffee table, and a couple of particularly energetic-looking mannequins.

Oh, and the enormous glowing red eyeball in the corner of the room, of course.

Wait, WHAT?!

“Argh!”

Spike jumped back, toppling over the arm of his armchair.

He stayed perfectly still for a few seconds, curled up and terrified behind the chair, before he realised the horrific eyeball was… It was…

Well, it was impossible, but there wasn’t really any other word for it.

The eyeball was giggling. Demurely.

He risked a glance, staring out into the room. The eyeball stared back at him, as fierce as before. Except that it was definitely chuckling.

“Oh Spikey-wikey! You should see the look on your face! Priceless!”

Okay, yeah, that was definitely Rarity’s voice coming from the terrifying, glowy-red monstrosity hovering over in the corner. This called for a direct, robust, and probing response, to get to the bottom of the situation.

“…Guh?”

“Hold on a moment darling, I’m on my way down!” And with a surprisingly savage pop, the eyeball was gone, literally blinking out of existence.

So Spike did as the voice said: he held on. Barely. He felt like his sanity might slip at any moment. What did it all mean? Was the whole thing a ruse? Had Rarity been a quasi-dimensional holographic eyeball the whole time, creating elaborate illusions or bending the minds of those who observed her—nay, it—as camouflage? What nefarious deeds did it have in mind? And what was that he could now hear, like hoofsteps, coming down the stairs? Some kind of even more awful form? Like a fleshy worm creature, or some kind of giant alien spider thingie?!

Of course not. Rarity walked into the room, as pristine and perfect as always, with a rather satisfied smile on her face. “I do apologise if I scared you, Spikey… Spike? Are you alright? You’ve gone a terrible shade of mauve.”

“Sorry, I just… I, uh…”

Rarity grimaced. “Oh dear, I did frighten you, didn’t I? Why, you’re looking at me as if I were some kind of monster! I should have warned you, I suppose… But I was just so excited!”

Spike just kept staring at her, steadily convincing himself that she was indeed real, not an illusion, and certainly Rarity. “It’s okay, you just startled me is all. For a minute there I was scared you’d become some kind of… I dunno, alien spider thingie.”

“Hmm. Really? How very odd… and specific. I’ll make a note of that.”

“So, uh… What was that, anyway?”

“Well, our little escapade today got me thinking,” Rarity began, strolling over to her regular chaise longue. “I did so enjoy that super-power of mine. Those magnificent jewels! So stylish, and so… Resourceful! Can you even imagine how much a pony could achieve if she were able to summon those spectacular constructs at will?” She paused for a moment, frowning as she got comfortable. “Well, I suppose Twilight can do things like that already, what with her talent for magic and all. But those constructs of mine… They felt more real, somehow. Like all I needed was to think, and poof! There they were. No effort, no real concentration, just a whim and a will. A pony could have anything she wanted, anything she needed, at a moment’s notice.”

“That… Sure would be something,” Spike replied, dreaming of all the things he could create for Rarity.

“And so I thought—well, if someone can think it up for a story, then someone can make it, really make it, surely?”

Spike frowned. “But Rarity, enchantments don’t really work like that. Twilight’s researched it all already. They have to be for a specific purpose. Like the Alicorn Amulet, remember? It just made a pony’s spells better, and that was the strongest enchantment Twilight said she had ever seen. You can’t have something that makes anything.”

Rarity smiled slyly. “Not until now.”

And with a flourish, she revealed something Spike hadn’t even noticed: a bracelet of gems, firestones shining with an inner flame, wrapped around her forehoof.

“This is how I made that little sight construct that got you all spooked, you see! I just think it, and poof! There it is.” She grinned victoriously. “I even made it look nicer than the rather tacky pink ones from your comic story! Isn't it fabulous?”

Spike was stunned. How had Rarity done it? Sure, she was brilliant in her own way, but Twilight was the maestro of magic! How could Rarity have managed to outdo her?

“How did you do it?” Spike asked in an awed voice. “Is it… Some kind of machine?”

“No! It's pure magic, my dear!” Rarity sniffed. “I suppose it just required a particularly discerning eye, and a little bit of imagination.” She held her hoof out in front of her, admiring the warm glow of the bracelet. “A truly wondrous achievement though, don’t you think…”

Spike didn’t like that look in her eye. He remembered the last time a mysterious, powerful magical artefact had turned up in Ponyville; Rarity was no Trixie, sure, but if this new bracelet corrupted her like the Alicorn Amulet could…

“…And all in such a short time, too!” Rarity continued. “Barely half an hour’s work, in return for limitless possibilities!”

Spike snapped out of his introspection. “Half an hour’s work? You’ve been gone longer than that.”

“Hmm? Oh, yes, I suppose I was. I kept myself busy.”

“Busy doing what?”

Rarity shrugged. “Horse cocks.”

“Oh.”

Spike sat in silence for a good few seconds before he finally came to grips with what she had just said.

“Wait, what?”

“Oh, sorry—not real horse cocks. I just knocked up a few penis constructs, that’s all. I felt I deserved a little reward after making such an amazing breakthrough, after all!”

Spike’s jaw moved a few times soundlessly while his brain tried to work out exactly what noise to make.

“…Guh?”

“You see, I started off with a few simple constructs, just to lift things and the like. Then I went one further and managed to make the constructs serve my own desires—and oh my, they did just that!” Rarity giggled unabashedly. “And then I made another one to fulfil a different kind of desire—to see how far they could go from me, and whether I could still use them. The spy construct certainly worked, though from your reaction to it I think it definitely needs to be more subtle.

“Now, though, I want to see how these creations of mine affect other living things; whether they can interact normally, and whether they will remain subservient to my own desires, or bend to the wills of others.”

She gave Spike a warm, encouraging, and not-at-all insane grin. “Congratulations, Spike. You’re my new test subject.”

Spike was still too shocked to move, too shocked to think. Rarity levitated him off the floor and back onto his armchair.

“Sadly, my first power bracelet broke after I finished with those dildo and spy constructs – too much strain, I suppose. Thankfully though, I had time to make another one! A fresh one, and even stronger this time! Oh, lucky you!”

Spike felt as if he should be responding. He should definitely be making some kind of sound, even if it was just a confused and horrified scream. The words ‘you have clearly gone mad, please stay here while I run away very quickly’ sprung to mind. Sadly, his mouth seemed to be only falling back on that one reliable noise.

“Guh…”

“Speechless with anticipation, eh? I don’t blame you! Oh, this is going to be such fun!” Rarity sprang from her reclining position with a gleam in her eyes which, for some reason, made Spike shudder.

Now then, what can we make for you? Well, we all know what the strongest desires are, so we should definitely keep it sexual for a more… thorough test. But what form, exactly? Let’s see…”

Rarity began mumbling to herself, glancing around the room as if for inspiration. Spike’s body took the cue and finally began responding to his now-screaming instinct to immediately vacate the premises. He sidled towards the back window quietly.

“I’m afraid I’m drawing a blank here! Oh, so many options, but so hard to choose! Perhaps it would be best if we came to a compromise between us, Spike? Hmm?”

Spike froze as Rarity’s gaze fastened upon him. She stared at him, brow furrowed.

“Spike? Why on earth are you climbing up onto the window-sill?”

“Well, I… Uh…”

“Oh, of course! Good thinking, Spike!” And with a burst of blue magic, a heavy bolt fastened itself across the window, the curtains soon following.

“There we go! A little privacy.” She giggled again; less demure now, more… frenzied. “We certainly wouldn’t want any peeping toms to catch us, now would we?”

Spike almost nodded in agreement out of sheer instinct. His heart felt like it was both sinking and rising into his throat. The only way out was the door, and Rarity was between him and it!

A distraction is what he needed. An idea came to him.

“Rarity, look there! A spider!”

“What? Where?!”

This was his chance. Spike made a break for the door. All he had to do was reach the door; if he could get out of the room, he could get away, get help. He could make it!

There was a flash of blue and the door slammed shut. He hadn’t made it.

“Now really, Spike!” Rarity scolded, almost playfully. “Running out on a lady is very bad form!”

With reluctance and a growing sense of dread, Spike turned back to face his captor, expecting a stern look and perhaps a sharp knife. Instead, he saw a grin. It was actually scarier.

“But then again, you have given me an idea: spiders! Far more complex than disembodied dicks, much more challenging.” She frowned. “I’m not sure I could manage organic matter, though… Ah! Of course! Once again, Spike, you have given me the solution. Mechanical!”

Rarity shut her eyes, concentrating. The air thrummed with power. The bracelet on her foreleg seemed to almost writhe, like a living, suffering creature of shining ruby. A flash of burning red light filled the room.

And when it faded, the room had been filled with enormous robotic spiders.

They covered the flaw. They clung to the walls and dangled from the ceiling. They all had glowing red eyes and shining metal bodies and they all made horrible mechanical noises, whirring and clanking and clicking.

And they all had preposterously enormous horse cocks.

Finally, Spike’s tongue seemed ready to make a reply.

“Oh dear.”

Rarity clopped her hooves together in excitement. “Oh, it worked! It worked! Another flawless execution! Just as I imagined!”

Spike stared at his former love in horror. Rarity pranced with joy. The robot spiders clicked and whirred.

Finally, Rarity snapped back to reality, as sudden as her apparent transformation into a deranged sexual psychopath. “Alright then, boys,” she said with a soft smile. “Go get ‘im.”

There was an almighty click as every spider swivelled its head, fixing their flickering red cyber-eyes on the tiny dragon.

“Oh dear.”

The spiders descended.

For a while, they seemed content to just crawl over Spike’s body, to pass him from spider to spider as if it were a game of pass-the-parcel. It was still terrifying, certainly, but Spike was surprised. He had expected far worse.

“Will you boys please stop fooling around and just fuck his arse off already?” Rarity called.

Ah. There was the worse.

He was unceremoniously tossed onto the chaise longue, where the spiders had made a space for him. The moment he landed, though, they swarmed back in, jostling for position. Finally, an apparent alpha male fought its way to the head of the pack, and with little ceremony it hilted itself inside Spike.

Amazingly, only now did the tears begin to flow. Perhaps the jolting pain had pushed him over the edge, perhaps it was the brutal shock. Or perhaps it was the abrupt death of what little hope Spike had left that this was all some horrendous joke, or a nightmare of unprecedented calibre.

“Oh stop being such a baby, Spike,” Rarity called. Through the tears, he could just about make out her silhouette. “It’s just an army of enormous mechanical arachnids with erected phalluses larger than the average stallion’s foreleg, with the express intent of pushing said instrument forcefully into your rectal cavity. It’s really no big deal. Seriously, grow up.”

The pain was unbearable. He felt like something was going to break. He just wasn’t sure if it was going to be his body or his mind.

“We can even make a game out of this!” Rarity continued. “You can be Humdrum once more, and I will of course be Radiance. Together we will conquer this mysterious race of spider robots! Their unquenchable sexual desirs and omi-directional penises are no match for us…”

For a time, Spike drifted. It was odd; there was little pain. Not that he was enjoying it, certainly not; it was as if the pain simply didn’t matter. Nothing mattered, now that he thought about it. In a life where the person you loved could create giant robot spiders to gang rape you at will, what was there that mattered? It was all rather pointless and silly.

He barely felt one spider leave and another one start. He barely noticed when the spiders started using his mouth, or when they started rubbing themselves off on his back. He didn’t see anymore, even though his eyes were open. His world had fallen away, and he didn’t think it was ever coming back.

Given how things had turned out, he didn’t think he ever wanted it to.

A thousand miles away, on a distant planet where things still mattered, one of the spiders chirped anxiously. He heard Rarity sigh.

“Yes, I know you’re all eager, but you will simply have to wait your turn!”

More chirping sounds. Rarity let out a frustrated snort.

“Alright, fine, you can use the mannequins—but please be careful! I need them for a new display tomorrow!”

A great shuffling noise echoed towards Spike, the sound of countless spider feet rushing away from him and towards the clothes horses. Despite this, though, there were still a few strangled clatterings, sounds of distress and unrequited desire.

“Oh, very well then!” Rarity exclaimed. “You can fuck me, if you must. But you’d better do it right, or I’ll turn you all into grandfather clocks!”

With a noise that could only be generously interpreted as ‘happy’, the remaining spiders descended upon Rarity, their enormous horse cocks at the ready.

For a moment, between one spider withdrawing and another forcing its way in, Spike could see the room. He saw Rarity, her lewd motions making him blush despite his own position, as three spider constructs pounded into her at once. He saw the mannequins, suffering under the weight of multiple spiders, sagging and wilting with the strain. Somehow, even through the weight of his own desolation, he actually felt sorry for them.

Then he saw nothing but an endless, whirling tunnel of horse cock.

***

Hours later, as the sun finally dipped below the horizon, Spike began to hobble his way home, dazed and exhausted. There wasn’t any room for pain and confusion, not any more. He almost bumped right into Sweetie Belle on the way out, and barely even acknowledged her presence. Not that Sweetie Belle was particularly attentive, either; she didn’t even see the blood.

She found Rarity in the tea room, tidying it up a little, frowning at a particularly dishevelled and wilted mannequin.

“Hey, sis!” Sweetie chirped.

“Well hello there, dear sister! I haven’t seen you all day. Out ‘crusading’ again, were you?”

“Yeah. Scootaloo said we should try to get cutie marks in jackhammering, but the construction ponies wouldn’t let us use ‘em. Then we saw Snails eating mud. It was really gross, but it gave me an idea: we could try being chocolatiers! So we headed off towards Sugar Cube Corner, but…”

Rarity had stopped listening. The words ‘chocolate’, ‘snails’, and ‘jackhammering’ had collided in her mind, and a familiar smile danced across her face.

At this rate, I’m going to need more bracelets…