Chapters The Royal Guard At Hearth's Warming
Hearth's Warming. It should have been a time for me to go celebrate, right? Well, get this: I had just gotten accepted into the Canterlot Royal Guard! Awesome, right? But since it was Hearth's Warming, my division, along with the rest of the Guard, got to go home. That meant my first job was going to be somewhere around Winter Wrap-Up.
Well, horsefeathers.
"You all did well this year. Dismissed." That was Shining Armor. If you don't know who he is, then you're probably not from around here. I'm Miz Fortune, a newbie here in the guard. And I was not about to get dismissed before I got a job.
I could see my fellow Guard members trotting off. For mid-winter, there was no snow so far, but they had predicted it soon. For now, though, snow was a thing of legend, and I had to imagine the happy little Guard hoofprints.
Now, I'll get this off my chest: I'm kind of timid. I kind of just stood there while my Guardmates trotted off, instead of going up to the captain myself. So, trying not to look like a thinking-impaired janitor pegasus stallion, I let him come to me.
"Aren't you going home?"
"Well, I, er." Real sophisticated, I know.
"What?" Shining Armor seemed to be confused. Trying to redeem myself, I managed to spit out the following:
"I want a job."
"You want a job?"
"Yeah, I...yeah."
Shining Armor looked at me for a bit. "You do know the date, right?"
"I do, it's just that...I don't want to be sent home before my first duties as a Royal Guard!" There. I said it. Take that, shy side of me!
It was quiet for a minute. It was also decidedly freezing cold for a minute. The captain was mulling it over in his head, or at least that's what I think happened.
"Alright, here's the deal. I'll be in the castle spending time with my sister and my wife, along with the royal family. You know what I mean?"
I nodded.
"You keep an eye on the Princesses and such, and I'll keep an eye on you. Don't...do anything rash."
I was beginning to get exited.
"Got it?"
Oh, this is great! I thought. I nearly nodded my head off there. I hope he didn't think any worse of me.
"Alright then. It's chilly out here, what say we both go inside?"
My first order of business, I felt, was to familiarize myself with the place. The castle was much larger than any building I've seen (even the Cloudsdale library, and it's terrifyingly easy to get lost in the non-fiction section there), and the sooner I knew where everything was, the better.
I trotted past the throne room, finding myself in a hall. The first room on the left had a door ajar, and a symbol with six sparkles on it was emblazoned there. I heard a low hum, like something being heated by alicorn magic. Food, maybe?
"Hello?" inquired a voice from the room. I stood there, noticing now how loud my hoofsteps had been.
"Um, it's only me--keep going about your business," I said.
"Me who?" Yup. It was the Princess Twilight Sparkle, alright.
"A, uh, um...a guard."
"What's a guard doing here during Hearth's Warming Eve? Regardless, come in, I need somepony to sample something."
Sample something? I guessed that it was food, after all. While entering the room, though, I decided strongly against it.
It smelled like somepony had taken that one boutique owner's cat and dropped it into a pot of sewage, then taken her out and deep-fried her. I looked at the food, wary but asserting to the reasonable side of me that something a Princess cooked couldn't be that bad. I mean, come on, who would be physically able to make food that tasted that bad? It had to taste better than it smelled, right?
Not realizing that this miniature war I was waging was keeping me from speaking, I was yanked back to reality by the Princess' voice. "Well? Eat up."
"Thanks," I said. I poked it once with a hoof, then leaned down and tasted.
My poor mouth. I am never subjecting it to that again! There was definitely some rat poison in there, and maybe some radioactive spinach from long ago. I had other pressing things to deal with, though.
"Is it any good?"
Quickly, I invented a fantasy world in my mind full of happy, smiling rainbows and clouds. I wished with all my might to be there, and I thought that, for a second, it had worked--
Nope. My eyes had gone open, and I was still coping with the aftertaste.
"Y-y-yeah, it is. You sh-sh-should, um..." I tried to think of something, anything to say that would stop the recently crowned Princess from feeding the abomination to her family.
"I should...?"
"You should sell the rights to it to the Cakes!" Yeah, that had to be a viable option, right?
"Now, why would I do that?" Curses! Foiled again!
I could feel the hairs on my coat rising in nervousness. There had to be a way to protect the Princesses and Prince! Come on, think, Miz! My mouth was going dry, and I was swallowing frantically.
"I-I-I have to g-g-go. Duties, and all th-that." Head swimming, I backed out of the room. I had meant to go warn my higher-ups, but only got as far as the powder room. Just as well. I let my hindquarters drop to the ground and hung my head, trying not to think about getting sick. There was no janitor, so I would have had to clean it up by myself.
Twenty minutes later, I had regained consciousness and was reflecting on how in Celestia the food--what was it supposed to be, anyway?--could have been that powerful. I spent a couple of seconds thinking, then decided that it wasn't worth it. I got up and exited.
On my way out, I found myself in a hall. For a second or two I thought it was the same, but, looking out the window, I could see the slope of the opposite side of the mountain. I looked back, started forward, and nearly ran straight into Shining Armor. As it was, I jump-flew to the side, narrowly avoiding a collision.
"Oh, Captain sir. Thank goodness you're here! Don't let your --" I started, but was cut off.
"My sister cook? I know, I learned that one the hard way." The captain smiled knowingly at me. "Don't worry, Twiley's not cooking for Hearth's Warming; Celestia is."
"But, I just saw her in her room, cooking!" I exclaimed, confused.
"Uh-oh." He frowned. "Did she feed you?"
"Yes," I said, my voice faltering.
"Ooh." He cringed slightly, then continued. "Don't worry, I'd keep the rest of the Guard on hand if Twiley was cooking."
"O-okay," I said. "Well, continue on, Captain sir."
Author's Note
I wrote this while looking at a Jello ad starting: "A lot can go wrong during the holidays."
The Royal Guard At Hearth's Warming
Trying my hardest to rid my mouth of what assailed it, I kept my thoughts on other things. I kept moving up the corridor until it pulled away at two turns. Who knew the castle was so spacious?
I took the turn to the right, trotting past another restroom while I was at it--mares' room this time. Nopony would catch me going in there, and definitely not on Hearth's Warming. That would just be...
I stopped thinking about it. Wondering if there was an empty room, I passed an overly spacious and dim room. Going into it, it was a little dusty, and the floor rustled as I stepped through it. Something ripped when my hooves trampled over it. I ignored it for the time being. Finding a stone alcove, I drifted up towards it.
My eyelids were starting to get heavy. I took a glance at Equestria from outside, and found it to be dark. I guessed that the moon would be rising in a few, thanks to Princess Luna. My eyes closed as that was my last thought for the night...
In the seconds after the lights came on, I realized three things. The first was that Princess Cadence was standing in the doorway I had come in through, looking confused. Second, I realized that I was glaringly obvious in my gold armor. Third? I had slept in the library.
"A Royal Guard? Is there a reason you are in the library?"
I was shell-shocked for a second, still getting used to the fact that I had slept in the library for...how long? I looked outside--still dark. That was good. I probably saved my hide there; I think I would've moved away from Equestria if I'd been there all night.
I briefly considered thanking the Princess, until she ahem ed. Oh, Celestia.
My mane prickled, and I answered: "I, um. I thought, my Lady, that it was a vacant room."
Can't sell the deeds to the property to the Cakes, huh?
"And you slept here?"
"It was not for long, your Highness." I sound like I'm making excuses now. That's not good.
"There's a room just across here that's not being used. I'm sure nopony would mind," Cadence said. "If you had just looked a little further, you would have been right on it."
Oh.
The sad thing was, it wasn't that I didn't look far enough. Instead, I had gone right past it. I'm guessing it was karma that that room had a leaky ceiling. If the Princesses lived in this estate, couldn't they have fixed that? I thought about complaining, but then realized that the Princesses--any of them--could boot me right off the Guard in the blink of an eye. Again, I closed my eyes.
You know what else happened again? I couldn't sleep. I'll say this: The beds were damp and creaky, the wallpaper was peeling, and overall it was a mess.
I got out and wandered. I heard magic being used in that otherworldly hiss. I looked outside and the moon was going up. At least I got some sleep.
"Who goes there?"
This time I knew who it was before they had to speak again. The pony in question--and princess in question--was none other than Luna. I tried my best to keep quiet; I had heard that Luna was more judging than her sister. The dust particles in the room I had slept in were conspiring against me, though, and found their way into my muzzle.
"Ah...ah..."
"We can hear thee, trespasser!" Luna said, raising her voice.
I stepped into view. "Your Honor."
"A Royal Guard?" This seemed to be a recurring thing. Horsefeathers, does everypony have to make me so conspicuous?
"Yes, your Honor," I said, trying to convey with my eyes, It's a long story.
"What is that look thou hast given me?" Oops. I think that came out wrong.
"M-my lady. I apologize. I was just admitted to the Royal Guard, and, not wanting to go without a job for so many moons, I asked if I was permitted to stay."
"Hmm. Well. Be on your way, then."
"I apologize, your Highness. I was asked to keep an eye on the royalty."
Luna sighed inwardly, or at least that's what I guessed. "Very well, you may come in."
I flapped my way in, standing near the back corner of the room after half-hurrying past Luna. Her horn was glowing; she was indeed casting magic. I followed where I thought the magic might be. I thought she might have been redecorating.
However, I realized just in time that she was lowering the moon, saving myself from what would have been me looking stupid. I had nearly said, "Where will you put that painting?", referring to a painting on the wall, naturally.
I silently stepped out of the room, congratulating myself on a job well done. One out of five occupants of the castle watched over.
"Look out!"
"Eh?!" I looked up to see another Princess--Twilight Sparkle again. My first thought was: Why is she telling me to look out? The thought accompanying it soon was: Is that her attempt at food flapping at my feet? Along with that came: It's not staring hungrily at my feet, is it?!
The food was what appeared to be a pot pie, with rather brown flaps of what I hoped was noodles on top of some greens. The green stuff is broccoli, right--wait, I can't be thinking about that!
I turned tail. No, I didn't run away, really! I mean when I turned around for a strategic retreat, it took a chunk out of my tail feathers. At least, I hoped that that was all it had taken a chunk out of.
Taking a leaping jump and spreading my wings in the thin corridor turned out to be quite hard, especially with a pot pie leaping at my hooves. I perched on the open door of the throne room at the end of the hall, and, trying not to think about what would happen if it cleaved its teeth into my hoof, jabbed it downwards.
My life flashed before my eyes, and sadly it was taking a while on the part where I was fighting the food. I was about to think, go faster! when I saw that it wasn't flashing anymore, and that I really had been fighting the food. It nearly nipped me on the nose, and I stumbled backwards into a door. Guess who was on the other side of the door? Luna.
I sweated furiously, which really didn't help me think of something useful. Not hearing anything, I peeked around the door.
Phew. Somehow, Luna had managed to stay as asleep as a petrified log in winter.
Twilight was still a nervous wreck. Trying to be resourceful (and keep it still while she got some magic ready), I grabbed the painting I had been ready to ask about earlier and jammed it over the food. It was kind of stuck in a little hole, but if Princess Twilight hadn't made a magic bubble around it, it would have chewed its way out. Ew.
"I'm sorry about all the mess," she said.
"I'm only doing my job, your Highness."
Twilight looked like she wanted to say something, but couldn't think of anything to say. "Well, happy Hearth's Warming," I called. "If you don't mind, I'm going to take this...somewhere else." Once done, I retired to my room to catch up on what sleep I had missed.
The Royal Guard At Hearth's Warming
I awoke to the sound of heavy snoring. When I opened my eyes, it suddenly stopped. Glancing around from my vantage point in the bed, I could see no source of sound in the room. My eyelids fell, and I kicked myself to try and stay awake.
Once again, I awoke to the same sound. Was I really going to have this much trouble finding it? My eyes involuntarily closed again, and then I heard it. It was a beastly rumbling, and I nearly shook as I heard it. The worst part was, it was coming from me.
Celestia, did I really snore that loud?!
Too awake to fall back to sleep, I eased myself out of bed. My hind legs, I noticed, were sore from fighting Twilight's food yesterday. I gave them a good stretch, but for the most part, hovered out of my room. Almost instantly, I spotted Princess Celestia carrying a pot towards what I assumed was the dining hall.
"Good morning, your Highness," I nodded, in a thick, groggy voice.
"So you're the Royal Guard that stayed," she observed.
"Um--Yes, your Highness." Oh, good. Somepony who got the memo.
"Do your duty," she said, and I bowed and trotted past her.
Not far from there, I found myself face-to-face with Luna again, the only other Princess that I hadn't made myself look like a fool in front of. I greeted her.
"Good morning, your--Whoa!"
Well, that didn't go so well. Somepony, and I don't know who, had shined the floor yesterday, and when I bowed, I ended up face-first on the squeaky-clean tiles. Ouch.
Now sporting a bruised muzzle and sore legs, I hurried past her, trying not to look like a practical joker. "Happy Hearth's Warming, your Honor."
Up ahead were Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor, with Cadence not far from them. Shining Armor gave me a nod.
"Good morning, Captain sir," I said, then saw that Twilight wanted to speak.
"Thank you for...handling the food last night."
"Ma'am, I was only doing my duty," I blushed.
On passing Cadence. I said: "Thank you. For the room, that is."
"You can come to breakfast, if you'd like," she said.
"Mm. Ah. Th-thank you, but n-no thanks." I didn't expect the conversation to last any longer than it had.
"Are you sure? I'm not sure I've seen you eat since you came here yesterday."
My stomach made a hungry, garbled noise. I panicked. I didn't want to embarrass myself more, but I didn't want to starve to death either. There was another loud noise.
In the end, I relented. When I entered the banquet hall, Princess Luna raised an eyebrow. Celestia looked a tad befuddled. Shining Armor and Twilight seemed to be fine with it. I quickly sat down.
The food. Oh, Celestia, the food! After having hardly anything to eat besides Twilight's unbelievable (unbelievably bad ) concoction, the mashed potatoes were like having little foal's choirs sing to me while I lay on a soft bed of clouds. (I know what the second part is like. I'm not quite sure yet how good the foal's choir thing would be.)
I ended up excusing myself early. It wasn't because I wanted to get back on the job. Oh, no. It was another embarrassing event.
I felt a carrot in my windpipe suddenly. I was pretty sure I had swallowed it wrong, and my face was already blue. Then, with a glow of somepony's horn, I could breathe. Cadence came through for me, thank the stars.
On the other hand, the carrot mash that came out landed on the face of Princess Celestia. Or it would have, had Shining Armor not been leaning over the table for some potatoes. And holding a napkin with one hoof.
Wait, was I getting luckier?
The surprisingly uneventful aftermath did have a 'Watch who you're choking on," but it was a lot better than I expected. It was half past one, and the royalty was in a large room that couldn't quite be called a bedroom or a lounge. Princess Twilight was reading How the Nasty Bad Green Pony Stole Hearth's Warming aloud.
"And now I will stuff up the tree..." Hey, that brings back memories. I have to admit, I was getting a little homesick.
I sort of almost wished I was at home, but on the other hand, it was hard to imagine myself as I was now sitting in my mother's lap, having her read to me. I took a seat in the middle of the hallway. Something started vibrating.
I thought it might have been myself doing something that would come off as embarrassing, but when I looked down, I wasn't doing anything. I pressed an ear to the ground and kept it there intently for a couple of seconds.
"Is something wrong?" Princess Cadence asked.
I stiffened and turned. Just then, there was a clank. "U-um, excuse me, your Highness."
It was coming from none other than the oven of Princess Twilight, or at least, the remains of the oven. I scrutinized what had apparently burst its way out.
A pie?
"BAH!" The pie yelled. Wait, pies aren't supposed to do that!
Just what did you cook up this time, Twilight? I wondered. It was small, but two flaps of crust formed some kind of crooked mouth. It had yellow and orange spots dotting it, making it appear as if it was breaking out in hives. But it had a lot worse than the cutie pox.
I stamped a hoof at it, and the pie jumped away, then leaped for my leg. I pulled it out of the way, falling against the doorframe. The pie had run into a table, but when its jaws began moving, it ceased to exist. I began to get antsy and ran. I flew past Cadence once again, through the hall I was in seconds ago, and, holding out a table leg, hovered just outside the window.
The freak pie mistake thing lunged for the table leg--or was it my leg? I pulled both out of the way. Seconds later, I heard a thump.
"Take that, freak pie mistake thing!"
Days later, the rest of the guard returned. I tried my best to make sure it looked like I was coming back, too, which wasn't hard because I was already flying back from a trip to the post office. I had mailed a letter to my family, and I was feeling pretty good about Hearth's Warming.
Then a 'cake' fell out the window. One of my fellow guards nudged me. "Hey, does that happen often?"
Feeling like a seasoned soldier, I answered, "Like you wouldn't believe."
Author's Note
I have some major editing to do. I just found out I've been spelling Cadence wrong the whole time. But, besides that, the last chapter is here! :D
