Starting on the Wrong Hoof

by LDSocrates

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Sex, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 4094

[One-Shot] After her whole life as one of only two alicorns, Cadance is finally introduced to Luna. To call it awkward would be an understatement of the highest caliber.

After her whole life as one of only two alicorns, Cadance is finally introduced to Luna. To call it awkward would be an understatement of the highest caliber.

A silly little something I wrote for a good friend of mine when she was having a bad day. Here's hoping it gets a laugh or a smile or two out of somebody else. Sex tag is for risqué jokes and discussions.

Featured on the front page from December 22nd to 25th, 2013!

Published 2013-12-22 16:10:12 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-22 16:10:12 UTC

In Search of Common Ground

Tick… tock… tick… tock… tick…

The steady rhythm of the clock was probably going a lot faster than it felt to Cadance at that moment. Time was a concept she was still making peace with, what with the blessing of alicorn immortality and all. But even the life-sucking wait for her coltfriend to finally propose was but a few grains through an hourglass compared to the sheer awkwardness present in the room at that moment.

She was no stranger to the Canterlot palace. She was certainly no stranger to Celestia’s personal dining room. She was a princess and the only other alicorn in existence, after all, so of course she’d visit the mistress of the sun every now and then just to talk and bond as well as a young adult and an ancient mare could. Except… she wasn’t the only other alicorn anymore. Celestia wasn’t the only official ruler in the room anymore either.

“Cadance, this is my sister, Luna,” Celestia introduced as the midnight-blue mare took Celestia’s normal cushion, across the table from Cadance. Celestia herself was still standing, and Cadance desperately prayed that she wasn’t going to leave the two alone. “It’s been a while since she finally returned, so I thought it was about time to introduce you two.”

“Charmed,” Luna said simply as her cyan eyes swept over Cadance. The youngest alicorn somehow felt very, very naked under Luna’s gaze, even though she was just that to begin with. Luna seemed to have volume issues, as she spoke with a bizarre clarity and volume, like she was addressing a crowd without a microphone… and Cadance had to wonder if Luna even knew what a microphone even was yet.

“Pleased to meet you,” Cadance said as steadily as she could, which is to say not much at all.

Luna raised an eyebrow, her mouth forming a thin line. “The pleasure’s all mine, Princess Cadenza.”

“Please, just call me Cadance,” she said hastily with a nervous chuckle.

“Sorry to rush out,” Celestia said, the sentence forming a rock in Cadance’s stomach, “but I really must be going. There are still many changes to be made and things to do now that Luna has returned to rule by my side again, and I think it’d be best if you two had a chance to get to know each other without me being a third wheel.”

Luna looked to her sister, the almost hawkish coldness replaced with a warm smile. “Please, don’t keep yourself from your duties, dear sister. We’ll be here when you return.”

Celestia smiled back. “Thank you, Luna.” She looked like she was about to leave, but then pulled her sister into a hug. “Once again, it’s… it’s so great to have you back.”

Luna returned the hug as Cadance squirmed in her seat. Whoever the third wheel was, it certainly wasn’t Celestia. “It’s great to be back, sister. Good luck with everything!”

Celestia broke the hug with a giggle. “And to you, as well. Play nice!” she said as she turned and cantered out of the room. A nice lump had formed in Cadance’s throat by the time the doors had swung shut.

From there, it felt like the clock stopped working entirely. Cadance’s chest was tightening, her heart beating faster, and the rock in her gut growing larger. The regal muzzle, the ethereal mane, the azure eyes… her brain brought to mind the first time she stood at the top of the high dive at the pool: way out of her depth, way out of her league.

She didn’t even notice that Luna was avoiding eye contact awkwardly until the mistress of the night cleared her throat. “I sense you are… uncomfortable. I am guessing my sister and I’s intimacy offended you in some way? I apologize; she’s been doing such things constantly since I came home.”

It took a few seconds too long for Cadance to find her voice. “N-no, not at all! I have no problem with physical intimacy; I love it, in fact!” Her words hit her like a brick and she backtracked, “I mean, not like that! Well, I do love it like that, but you two are sisters and I would never imply that you would, I mean, not that I would judge your highnesses if you did, but…” She clapped her hooves over her mouth and took a deep breath. “I am not making a good first impression, am I?”

“Not as such, no,” Luna said, tilting her head.

Cadance sighed heavily, took another deep breath, and immediately perked up with a smile. “Let’s try this again: I’m Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, though everypony just calls me Cadance. Pleased to finally meet you.”

“I am Princess Luna. Since we are both royalty, I suppose you can just call me Luna,” she said. “Once again, charmed.”

“I’m really, really sorry,” Cadance chuckled nervously. “I promise, I’m normally not this much of a, well, spaz.”

Luna’s eyebrows shot up. “Spaz? As in spastic? You have cerebral palsy?”

“Wh-what? No! No no no,” Cadance assured, shaking her head rapidly. “I don’t have any disabilities, no. Sorry, I forgot what that word used to mean.”

“Do you want to start this conversation again?” Luna asked bluntly.

“No, I’m pretty sure by social convention you’re only allowed to do that once,” Cadance half groaned, half sighed.

“Very well, if you’re not capable of helming the conversation, I will,” Luna declared, causing Cadance to inwardly cringe. “I’ve heard from my dear sister that you are the alicorn of love. Could you please expand on that? It’s a fairly vague title.”

Cadance felt muscles relax she wasn’t aware were tense. Conversation topic established, good. “I’m still exploring my powers myself, but near as I can tell my magic can bring out the love two ponies feel for each other, or make ponies fall in love in the first place.”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “The latter seems like a very… potent ability that could be abused. And the fact you know you can do it means that you have done it.”

Cadance cringed in a very physical sense, giggling nervously and running a hoof through her own mane. “Well… yeah. I was a teenager once, and I did a few things that I now regret… I even still have most of their phone numbers…”

“Pardon?”

“Nothing!” Cadance said hastily.

Luna did not seem convinced, her eyes narrowing.

“But, erm, yeah, I have used my powers a few times for selfish reasons,” she admitted, praying the blush on her face would die down soon. “But thankfully, like any love potion or love poison, they could be cured. The threats of lawsuits over using mental magic on unknowing ponies weren’t fun, but it all turned out fine and I learned my lesson. No more mental magic on unwilling stallions.”

“There are stallions that would allow you to do that to them willingly?” Luna asked, eyes wide again.

Cadance’s prayer was not answered, her blush only getting worse. “What my coltfriend and I do is our business. Change of subject, please?” she deflected.

“I… honestly wouldn’t know what to suggest. I don’t even know what mares do these days, and you’re certainly a product of this time period,” Luna admitted, avoiding eye contact again and coughing into her hoof.

“Well, just great,” Cadance muttered under her breath as she wracked her brain. “Okay, um, what about music? What kind of music do you listen to?”

“My favorites are composers like Ballad Belle and Melodic Dawn,” Luna said with a small smile.

“I… can’t say that I’ve heard of them,” Cadance sighed, hanging her head a bit.

“Not surprising,” Luna said, her smile turning to a frown. “Their work didn’t survive my imprisonment. Lost to the ages, sadly, while hacks like Midday Melody are remembered.”

“I actually studied him in my music class in high school; he’s considered a musical genius,” Cadance said, looking at Luna with confusion.

“Trust me, he was a hack,” Luna huffed. “What are your tastes in music?”

“I don’t really listen to any one group; I just pick out songs I like. Though I’ll admit, bubblegum pop songs are a major guilty pleasure,” Cadance answered with a giggle.

It was Luna’s turn to look confused. “What is bubblegum, and how do you ‘pop’ music?”

“You’ve never had bubble-” She shook her head. “Never mind. Um… what about books? What books do you like?”

“I’m partial to romantic, political, and murder thrillers, myself,” Luna responded. “Ever heard of Midnight Dreary? It’s one of my favorites.”

Cadance bit her lip. She had heard of it. She’d read it in high school. And if she were frank, she’d have to say that she thought that the murder motive was nonsensical, the prose overwrought, the romances dated and more than a bit creepy, and the sex scenes… well, she couldn’t lie, those were pretty hot. “No, haven’t heard of that one either,” she lied with a melodramatic sigh.

“Really? Well, consider it officially recommended. The plot is compelling, and I love the foreshadowing and the payoff. Though I admit I find the eroticism… overbearing, but that isn’t the focus of the book,” Luna said.

“Yeah, I’ll get right on that,” Cadance mumbled.

“And what about you?” Luna pressed. “I get the impression that literature isn’t as important in this day and age.”

“Honestly, yes, for most of my life I wasn’t much of a reader,” Cadance admitted. “I read a few things here and there, but it just really wasn’t my thing because I was a teen and I was naïve enough to care what was cool or not, so I didn’t even bother looking for books or genres I liked. Then my coltfriend got me into fantasy and sci-fi, and I honestly can’t put it down.”

“Sci-fi… never really tickled my fancy,” Luna huffed. “The genre started with a tale of necromancy, though the author insisted that it did not involve necromancy nor promote it. As if lightning alone could actually bring back the dead! I’m not a fan of stories about mortals meddling in domains where even we alicorns don’t dare tread, which most science fiction comes down to.”

Great. She was the type of mare to hold on to petty moral outrage. Goody. “Okay then,” Cadance sighed. Possible common ground was running out fast. “Um… have you seen any movies since you’ve been back?”

“Not really,” Luna said simply.

“Video games?” Cadance suggested, voice a bit higher and more desperate.

“Still don’t really understand the concept, let alone how they work,” Luna admitted.

“Um… er…” Cadance wracked her brain for anything they could talk about, anything they could possibly have common tastes in. “Boys!” she finally blurted out. “What kind of boys do you like?”

“I’ve always preferred the intimate company of mares, personally,” Luna said.

Cadance groaned in frustration, burying her face in both hooves.

“Do you take issue with that?” Luna asked, examining Cadance like a hawk again.

“No, no,” Cadance said with a wave of her hoof, as if shooing away her aggravation. “I don’t; barely anypony has any problem with that anymore. Hay, I had a bi-curious phase when I was younger, so I definitely can’t complain.”

“Bi-curious?” Luna repeated, wariness replaced with interest.

“Well… yeah. As in bisexual experimentation?” Cadance said, lowering her hooves. “Didn’t they have that in your day?”

“Yes, but bisexuality was not yet recognized in any official capacity, hence nopony called it that. It was a different, less educated time,” Luna explained with a sigh. “Glad to see that times have changed for the better in some areas, at least.”

Cadance found herself smiling a little. “Glad to grow up in this time period, myself.”

“Though in the end the beauty and grace of mares just wasn’t for you,” Luna stated more than asked.

“Yeah, stallions are more for me,” Cadance admitted. “Though don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun! Even dated one of those bat ponies of yours for a while.”

“Truly?” Luna said, sounding more interested still, her ears perked up. “Most are quite averse to the fangs, especially stallions.”

Cadance giggled a little nervously, but her smile grew. “I’d love to say I was smart when I was a teenager, but I think you know by now that I’d be lying. Let’s just say I had a lot of bite marks to cover up for a while.”

“She hurt you?” Luna asked, eyebrows shooting up.

“What? No, not at all!” Cadance assured, a bit taken aback herself.

“Then why did you have bite marks?” Luna pressed.

Cadance stared at Luna a few times before it dawned on her. “Oh! I guess this is more of a modern thing. See, some more ‘rough’ couples bite each other on the neck or in other places. Ponies usually just leave a little bruise, but bat ponies and their fangs… yeah, those cut a bit deeper.”

“And ponies take this kind of abuse?” Luna gawked.

“It isn’t abuse!” Cadance corrected. “It’s a show of affection.”

Luna blinked slowly and talked slower. “So ponies these days bite each other… to show affection.”

“Um… that’s about the long and short of it, yeah,” Cadance shrugged with a nervous giggle.

“I have so much more to get accustomed to… and am increasingly unsure if I want to be,” Luna sighed. “So, how did this relationship with one of my chosen breed end? I guess when you decided your preference was of the male persuasion?”

Cadance shook her head. “Not at all! I just kind of got tired of all the blood sucking.”

Luna stared, blinking. “Blood sucking,” she repeated flatly.

“Um… yes?” Cadance said, shifting in her seat under Luna’s stare. “Don’t bat ponies do that?”

“No… no they don’t,” Luna answered slowly.

Cadance’s eyes widened and ears perked up. “They don’t?!”

“Unless some magical mutations happened while I was gone that I was never made aware of, no, they don’t. I believe that your marefriend was just messing with you… or had a very bizarre fetish,” Luna added under her breath.

“Well… I feel sick,” Cadance groaned, her stomach turning a little.

“Do you need to be excused?” Luna asked.

“No, I wouldn’t want this to end on such a sour note,” Cadance said with a shake of her head. “Besides, I’ve had worse dating experiences, so it’s really nothing.”

“Oh? Care to elaborate?” Luna pressed, leaning in ever so slightly.

“I guess, though I’d really rather not remember them,” Cadance growled, gritting her teeth a bit. “The worst one… ugh. See, in high school, I was dating this one colt – I refuse to repeat his name because he doesn’t even deserve to be remembered. He was funny, charming, had a cute flank if you catch my drift, and I thought that our relationship was gonna last a long while. He wanted to keep us a secret, though, because his parents were extremely strict when it came to him dating so we would be better off if they thought he was still single.” Cadance huffed, a frown forming at the memory. “I should’ve known better.”

“I take it that he was untruthful?” Luna guessed.

“To say the least,” Cadance half sighed, half growled. “One day he was sucking my horn in a little out-of-the-way corner of the school, when who should walk in but his marefriend. His other marefriend, anyway, that he never told me about. Apparently he was seeing both of us at the same time, giving us the exact same spiel about his parents. I have no problem with polyamory, honestly, but he still lied to us, and only did it to get some and boost his own ego. We found out later that he did it to plenty of other mares.”

“Sounds like he was a cad of the highest order,” Luna said with a snort of disgust.

“I would have much stronger words to say about him,” Cadance said flatly. A small smile crossed her face. “But he got what was coming to him and then some. The mare who walked in on us was quite the athlete, and we all found out that day that it is possible to geld a stallion with a single kick.”

“Fitting indeed for a colt that couldn’t keep his blade sheathed,” Luna snickered. “I count my own lucky stars that I have had little experience dating such stallions.”

“You’ve dated colts? I thought you said you swung the other way,” Cadance asked, her brow furrowing.

“Yes, but I did not always do so openly. There was a time when it was not polite to discuss such things, and the nobles of the time were quite an entitled bunch, always offering my sister and I their sons for marriage in return for favors,” Luna explained with a weary sigh. “They would have had a fit if the unspoken order of things was disrupted, and the country was too young and unstable to handle such a disturbance. It was a long time before I, oh, how do they say it these days… came out of the closet.”

“No offense, but I do not envy you at all,” Cadance said with a small hiss of sympathy.

“None taken. It was not the best of circumstances.” Luna paused, letting out a ponderous hum and then a little giggle. “Though it did lead to one amusing incident.”

“Oh really?” Cadance asked, leaning in a bit less subtly than Luna did.

“I honestly don’t even remember his name, sadly. It’s been so long,” Luna admitted. “I’ll have to go through my old diaries to look it up later. But there was this prince of an eastern province, back when Equestria was divided among the nobles into such polities and my sister and I were more empresses than anything. It was a few years after my last husband had died, may his soul be at peace, so the royal families were offering their young sons to me as if they were farmers selling the best cut of the harvest.”

Cadance frowned a little and said, “Doesn’t sound like it was very pleasant for you or those stallions.”

Luna scoffed. “Plenty of them would have loved to marry me simply for the bedchamber accommodations, if you catch my meaning, but yes, there were always some that didn’t want to be sold to me like a ripe vegetable from their parent’s garden. This one prince that year was one such stallion, but he was very good at hiding it, so much so that I didn’t catch on until I’d already chosen him.”

Cadance facehoofed. “Oh no…”

“Oh yes, but don’t worry, we didn’t end up in a doomed marriage,” Luna assured with a small wave of her foreleg. “We were still engaged when I caught on. I pressed and pressed, noting his trepidation and the way he looked at me when we slept together, and finally he came clean.” Luna giggled to herself. “Turns out, he was as queer as I am, perhaps even moreso! He never wanted to bed a mare in his life any more than I wanted to bed a stallion, and was in fact repulsed by the idea.”

“Seriously?” Cadance asked, ears perking up and biting back a snicker.

“Truly!” Luna answered with a laugh. “We both decided enough was enough and had a talk with my dear sister. We gathered everypony for an important announcement, and on the spot he and I both proclaimed how utterly disgusted we were with each other’s bodies and proudly declared our love of the same sex. No sugar coating, in quite graphic detail. The looks on everypony’s faces were absolutely priceless!”

Cadance busted out laughing at the mental image. “That, that’s amazing!” she choked out, kicking her hind legs on the floor.

“Delighted you think so!” Luna giggled behind her foreleg. “Of course, his family was livid, so we also announced that he’d be working in our palace from then on as a palace steward. He was completely under our protection, and out of his family’s reach. And before long, the nobles were offering me daughters instead of sons!”

Cadance struggled to swallow down her laughter as she asked, “Wh-why didn’t I read about that in the history books?”

“I really don’t think the history books like to detail the more humorous details of my sister and I’s lives, especially if they’re this risqué,” Luna said, stifling her own giggles. “There isn’t a pony alive that’d publish the fact that I and a gay stallion once went into a tirade about queer sex!”

Cadance broke down laughing even harder, flopping onto her side and kicking her legs. She tried several times to say something, but ended up devolving back into laughter.

“A-are you quite alright?” Luna managed to say. She was laughing right along with Cadance, though not as uproariously hard.

“I-I’m fine, I’m fine,” Cadance finally managed to gasp, pulling herself upright once more. “I just… wow, I don’t think I have a story that can top that level of awkward.”

“You don’t need to ‘top’ it. Tell me anything that comes to mind,” Luna said with a big grin. “There must be some hilarious romantic blunder in your life!”

Cadance giggled, her own smile widening. “Well, there was this one time…”

“…and that’s when she tried her first attempt at a lovebite,” Twilight finished, rubbing the big bruise on her neck. “I didn’t know zebras could bite so hard. Though I don’t think she knew, either.”

“All in all sounds like a successful first date, though,” Celestia giggled, sipping the last dregs of her tea. Her horn glowed around the teapot to pour herself some more, but Twilight’s violet glow overtook it.

“Here, allow me,” Twilight said eagerly, tipping the pot over Celestia’s cup. A few drops dripped out, and then no more.

“It looks like we’re out,” Celestia chuckled.

“We’re out?” the young unicorn repeated, lifting the lid and looking inside. “Huh. Guess I didn’t notice drinking that much…”

Celestia glanced up at the clock to see all hands several digits away from where she wanted them to be. Suppressing a little spark of punctuality panic, she rose from her seat. “It looks like time also escaped our notice. I better go get Luna. She and Cadance must have run out of things to talk about an hour ago.”

Twilight looked up at the clock and let out a little gasp of her own. “Oh, you’re right! This little break’s gone on a bit too long, too.”

“Don’t fret; I can power through a lot of the evening paperwork. There’s still plenty of time for you,” Celestia assured, giving her student a little nuzzle. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Twilight smiled and nuzzled back, a warm grin spreading to her mentor’s face as she cantered out of the room and into the hall. She passed guards, servants, and visitors alike as she walked along, the first two giving a small bow of their heads in respect and the latter lowering themselves to the ground in reverence as she passed. She offered curt smiles and nods and greetings and goodbyes, but didn’t break her stride. She soon enough arrived at the doors to her private dining room.

Celestia was about to push her way through the doors when her ears perked. She caught what sounded an awful lot like… laughter coming from inside, not an awkward silence. Her interest piqued, she gently nudged a door open with her nose and peeked inside.

She saw her sister holding her sides in barely restrained laughter, and Cadance crying in laughter that wasn’t restrained at all.

“H-he seriously cried?” Luna gasped out.

“Practically bawled his eyes out!” Cadance cackled. “For the guy who introduced me to the wonders of the riding crop, he sure couldn’t take it!”

“M-maybe you don’t know your own strength?” Luna suggested, trying to calm down her own giggles.

“Maybe! First guy that could really handle me after that was my current coltfriend, and he’s now an officer in the military!” she snickered.

“I highly doubt the training regimen has changed to add hindquarters training,” Luna joked, sending Cadance into a storm of renewed laughter that caused her to flop onto her side.

Celestia giggled a little and shut the door ever so gently. “I think they’ll be fine,” she whispered to herself, cantering back down the hall with a big smile on her face.