Discord Teaches Fanfiction
The draconequus sat patiently on the large chair. With one claw, he stroked his long, white beard. With his other paw, he held a simple brown book. The fire under the chimney crackled, causing a dim light to illuminate the room.
He looked up, seeing the audience.
"Why hello there, audience. How are you doing on this fine day? Or night! Whatever time it is in your location." He snapped his fingers and the book he held vanished in a flash of light. "Do you need some writing tips? Do you only get, like, ten views per story you make and some story approvers won't approve your story because it doesn't follow the rules?" He paused, perking his ears. "Excellent! Let's get started."
--
"First things first, don't apply sense into your stories. Physics is for chumps with no creativity. What you need is imagination." He held both his arms up in the air, separating them and causing a rainbow in between.
"Oh wait, I'm sorry. This is from a different show." Discord gave a cough. "Anyway, the first thing you'll need are the characters. If your story is about adventure, make the main character me. If it's sad, try a different approach. Maybe you could try me. Or if it's a comedy, try something new, like Discord... I mean me." He gave a nervous laugh.
"There are many opportunities to try. Old Sun Butt says that stories need good plots and blah, blah, blah. She's boring anyways! What you need is some epicness. How about the setting be on a dessert where it rains beds made of jelly. That would be the perfect one-shotter, right?"
"Always make sure to have a good opening, like starting with a cool event. Maybe something like Chaos Day, or Discord is way better than Sun Butt day. There are lots to do. Don't have the sun up right away. Have a giant fish flying through a few trees... in the sky... in space." He paused. "Hey! I said physics is for chumps."
"Add a few elements to your story. Don't do the Elements of Harmony since that'll just turn you into stone. Add elements like chaos, or disharmony, or... chaos. See the creativity? What? At least I have some," he argued.
"Okay, this part is boring because this time Moon Butt tells me: add detail to your story." Discord dragged out that last phrase, already feeling bored.
"Never keep things old. And by old, I mean like Sun Butt's old flank. Oh snap!" He slapped a paw on his knee. "But really, take this seriously. If you're doing an adventure story and it seems to get boring, try adding more chaos. If that doesn't work, then add some more discord to the mix. Though consider more chaos."
"One of the last things is to make a really cool ending. Forget the whole happily ever after thing." He waved his arms up in the air dramatically. "Since I'm the main character, make sure to add some chocolate rain. If that doesn't work, consider a chocolate storm." Discord rolled his eyes. "Fine, just make it happy, but not too happy." He started to whisper, "You never know what dreaded lesson of friendship could be at the end."
"Make sure to have side characters. I know, none of them will be as cool as me, but come on. I need some other ponies to pull pranks on. Just make sure to never have Sun Butt there. She's just too bland for my taste." Discord held his tongue out in disgust.
"Don't worry, we're almost at the very end, but it's not like you want it to end with me here, right?" He shook his head. "Anyway, when you're finally done with your masterpiece—only good if I'm the main character—show it to some of your friends. I showed mine to Twilight and she was all like No way, that's inappropriate, and I was all like but the audience always does it, but that's not important. Just show it to random ponies."
"Now, since you're new here." He narrowed his eyes towards you. "I must ask, please watch a good show to get inspiration. Don't watch a show about ponies using friendship and all that lame stuff. It's not like there is one anyways. So make sure that chaos always wins. Forget gravity. That stuff is so last season."
Discord walked through the dark halls, he— "Wait a minute, who the hay is writing everything I'm doing?"
"..."
"Ahem, now let's get back to it. The last thing you'll need is to check those little spelling mistakes you make, and all that terrible grammar. I mean, I write awesome stories. Even though ShutterFly disproves on some of them, but blah, what does she know?"
"MAKE SURE TO HAVE LOTS OF FLYING PIGS AND, HEY! WHO TURNED ON CAPS LOCK?"
... "That's better."
"So remember: always have the spinning snake turn into honey at the end and you should be good to go. Now go out there and write stories on why I'm way better than the princess butts!"
"Discord?" A voice caught him off guard. The wide-eyed draconequus turned around, seeing Twilight with the door opened behind her. "Why are you in my library, and why are you holding a camera?" She pointed a hoof to the device filming the draconequus.
"Remember people, have the flying pigs. Oh, and make me the main character of course."
"Discord, I asked you a question!" Twilight groaned in annoyance.
"Bye!" He vanished immediately, leaving behind a confused yet frustrated Twilight.
