Twilight Sparkle and Her Friends Play Age of Empires II

by swirlstar

Rating: everyone
Tags: Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 13840

What it says in the title - Twilight Sparkle and her friends play Age of Empires II.

It's been a couple of weeks and way more than a couple of games since Pinkie Pie introduced the Mane Six to the joys of playing the classic real-time strategy title, Age of Empires II. Unanswered questions surround this mysterious game: where did it come from? Who made it? Why is there so much killing?

Never mind all that - Twilight Sparkle and her friends have a game to play!

NOTE: Though I've tried to make the story more about the relationships between the four gamers (no Rarity or Fluttershy, sorry!) than about the game itself, some rudimentary knowledge about Age of Empires II is required if you want to understand what is going on. I wrote this as a short-ish story so I'm not really going to go into technical details much.

=====INFO AFTER BREAK=====
References consulted while writing story:
ZeroEmpires (Commentary on Competitive AoE II matches)
wikiHow (5 Ways to Make Your Economy Boom in Age of Empires II)
Wikipedia (for info on Byzantines, Moon & Vikings)
Luttwak, E. "The Grand Strategy of the Byzantine Empire" (Harvard University Press, USA), 2009 (Byzantine military strategy)

Youtube links:
Prologue - PakAttack95 (Youtube Channel)
Main Menu and Victory Music - mikec1000 Civilization Themes

Cover Image:
Wikipedia
Age of Empires II
Cutie Mark Vectors by Hawk9mm (deviantART page)

Published 2013-12-23 05:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-19 22:43:18 UTC

Prologue

Prologue

“Again?” Her Most Gracious and Royal Highness, the newly-crowned Princess of Magic Twilight Sparkle – just call me Twilight already! – muttered in wary disbelief. “You want to play again?”

“Well, duuh! If I didn’t want to play again I wouldn’t have come to the Library to ask you, silly!” Pinkie Pie bounced around the spacious room, unfazed by her purple friend’s less-than-enthusiastic reception. “Don’t you find the game so utterly, totally, unbelievably fun?”

Twilight bit on her lip, seeking to arrest any unintended outburst. “Well… yes I do, Pinkie, but… “ The alicorn glanced uneasily at her stack of unfinished reading – the Alexiad, the Chronicle of George Sphrantzes, and much, much more. It was moments like these that had her ruing the day she ever laid her hooves on that blasted game.

“Oh come on Twilight, don’t lie!” The force of nature currently inhabiting her living room did not even pause for permission, already whirling around in a twister of cables and little gray machines she called ‘laptops’. “You love that game! You always get so worked up when you play it: you’re like ‘Grrr’ and ‘Argh!’ and ‘What the hay!’ all the time! It’s soo much fun watching you lose control!” Emphasizing her point, the pink pony rapidly cycled through a menagerie of angry-Twilight faces, which the lavender unicorn had to admit were indeed rather hilarious…

No, no, no! If you think like that you’ll give in! And yet, despite her brain’s best efforts, the normally-studious pony could feel her vaunted mental discipline slowly eroding away, buckling under heightened temptation as machines bleeped and whirred into life.

“There’s a time for play… Pinkie Pie… ” the alicorn murmured, half-heartedly mustering up some inane excuse for her last stand. “… and in any case, every single game we’ve played has ended in exactly the same way... ”

“Come on, Twilight!” the party pony pleaded as her friend shunted her gaze back towards the Historia Arcana. “Just a little game between the two of us; just a teeny tiny game!”

Stop bargaining! Twilight silently pleaded as she felt her worse nature tug at her heartstrings once more. “Erm… I guess we can’t play without Rainbow, though, can we? She’d be pretty annoyed if we didn’t invite her!”

“Well we just won’t tell Dashie!” the gaming-starved pony haggled, hooves creating an invisible safebox for secrets. “I solemnly Pinkie Pie Promise, Twilight, I swear I won’t tell Dashie- “

“What about not telling me?!” A voice from up high cut in.

Twilight’s eyes widened. “R-Rainbow Dash!“ she exclaimed, looking ceilingward, half-angry, half-guilty. “I told you to knock on the front door before coming in!”

“Give me a break! I don’t even break any windows or walls when I come in now!” the cyan pegasus shot back unapologetically as she touched down. “But anyway, what’s this about not telling me!”

The purple alicorn wisely avoided her interlocutor’s gaze, fixating her eyes on the book before her. “You know what you always do when we play.”

“Do what?”

“You know… ” Twilight cocked her head suggestively. “That.”

The reminder was enough to drain the bluster away from Ponyville’s weathermare. “O-oh,” Rainbow Dash chuckled apologetically. “Well you know I don’t like losing, Twilight.”

“It’s getting boring, Rainbow.”

“Come on, Twilight! I won’t do it again!” Rainbow Dash pleaded, clapping her hooves together in penance. “I promise!”

“Pinkie Pie Promise?” the pink pony advanced, eyeing her blue friend suspiciously.

“Pinkie Pie Promise,” the prismatic mare nodded furiously, going through all motions of the sacred ritual. “I Pinkie Pie Promise that when I play the game, I won’t- “

“Last time you Pinkie Pie Promised, it ended with half the farm destroyed and Big Mac swearing off apple tarts forever,” the characteristic drawl of Applejack drifted in through the front entrance. “See y’all didn’t bother callin’ me in neither.”

“Oh wow!” Pinkie Pie jumped up enthusiastically. “Who knew – we’re all right here now! I knew this game had summoning properties!”

“It wasn’t that hard to realize you were planning a session,” the athletic weatherpony explained. “You were lugging your gaming wagon up Mane Street!”

Twilight gave up on futile excuses. “Oh, might as well,” she grumbled, shuffling over to the center of the living room, now converted into a veritable gaming arena thanks to Pinkie Pie. “Thought you’d be working, AJ.”

“Applebloom can handle the stall on her own,” the orange pony brushed the concern aside. “I got ‘important’ things to do.”

“Sure, sure. Actually, where do you get these laptops, Pinkie?” Twilight wondered out loud as she examined the plastic casing of her laptop. “The technology in this is light-years ahead of Equestria... ”

Pinkie ignored the question. “Game's on, everypony!” she bubbled happily, launching herself into a seat. “Are we ready to have the funnest time of our liiives!”

“I’m ready.”

“By Celestia, am I sooo ready!”

“Waitin’ for y’all.”

“Alright!” Pinkie Pie said, searching around the monitor for that familiar conquistador’s helmet – whatever a ‘conquistador’ was. “Let’s paartaay!”

“Party in a pool of artificial blood, you mean- “

“Stop ruining the prologue, Twilight!”

Main Menu

Chapter 1 – Main Menu

The mournful tunes of the Aztec flute wandered throughout the Golden Oaks Library-

“Twi’, stop reading the History,” Applejack said.

“Well sorry for being interested in something other than killing people!” Twilight leered at the pony opposite her. “I mean, there are so many questions that need to be answered here! What are “people”? Are they the same beings that created these laptops? Why do they speak Equestrian? And why do they like killing so much?”

Rainbow Dash let out a clearly audible yawn. “The question I want to ask is why Rarity and Fluttershy don’t like playing this amazing game.”

“Yeah. All about killin’ animals and destroyin’ things. Celestia knows why,” the orange mare deadpanned.

“They’re not real animals, silly!” Pinkie Pie explained. “The things we see are actually just numbers in- “

“You’ve told us a billion times already, Pinkie, and it still ain’t makin’ the slightest lick of sense.”

Meee-eee-

“Stop reading the History, Twilight,” the country pony warned.

“Look, I just want to measure up what I’ve read so far with what the text says!” the purple alicorn protested.

“You can do that after we’ve finished.”

“You always say that,” the Princess groaned, nevertheless obeying. “And it never happens because every game ends with us chasing Rainbow Dash around Ponyville.”

“Hey! I Pinkie Pie Promised!” the weathermare protested.

“Yeah,” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Like the last time we played. And the time before that. And the time before that… “

“Will you just get in the multiplayer lobby already!” the pink host’s shrill voice crescendoed over the budding argument.

The alicorn sighed and complied once more – some royal, right? – and player “Ioannes I Tzimiskes” proceeded to join the last open spot within the multiplayer lobby, alongside “Hi I’m Pinkie”, “WONDRBOLTS_RULE” and “SAA_IS_BETTER”. Evidently Applejack and Rainbow Dash had incorporated multiplayer matches into their friendly rivalry; no wonder the pegasus was extra-desperate today. Her Highness wasn’t complaining.

The purple pony sighed again as she regarded the game settings. “Again?” she complained. “You realize that there’s nothing here stopping Rainbow Dash from doing the Exact. Same. Thing, Pinkie.”

“She Pinkie Pie Promised. It’s an honor system,” the party pony replied pensively.

“Why don’t you just change the settings so that Rainbow can’t do what she normally does?!” Twilight moaned.

“Well because if I do that, it would mean that the Pinkie Pie Promise Honor System doesn’t work! And the Pinkie Pie Promise Honor System does work!” the pink pony insisted indignantly. “Because if it didn’t work, I’d change the settings!”

“But that’s… urgh! Fine,” Twilight concentrated back on her own preparations. “Civilizations. The Basileia Rhomaion for me, as usual.”

“You have ‘Byzantines’ down as your civ’, though,” Rainbow Dash helpfully pointed out.

“That is the Basileia Rhomaion. The Roman Empire. The ponies – people – there never called themselves the ‘Byzantines’: that was some name other people gave them afterwards.”

“Funny how you know so much about things you’ve never even seen, Twi’,” Applejack observed, not without a hint of accusation.

“Books,” the purple alicorn gestured at her mini-stack of yellowing paper. “Pinkie gets them from… wherever.”

“Uh huh. Where do you get the books anyway, Pinkie- ”

“Random!” Pinkie Pie bounced up at the mention of her name. “I choose ‘Random!’”

Twilight looked knowingly at Applejack. The orange pony rolled her eyes.

“I think I’ll be the Goths… ” Rainbow Dash tentatively announced.

Abruptly the world stopped on a dime.

The other three players looked at each other, paused for a second and drew collective breath.

“NO!”

“Whoa!” the prismatic mare, caught unawares, tilted slightly too far back and tumbled off her chair, falling onto the ground with an audible thud. “Oof!... ow! W-why not?”

“Goths are stupid!” Twilight gesticulated wildly. “They’re no fun! I don’t want to play a game with a million soldiers attacking me!”

The weathermare pouted, clambering up to her spot as Applejack snickered unkindly. “But you always play as the Byzantines!” Rainbow Dash accused. “I don’t tell you who you can and can’t play!”

“Basileia Rhomaion! And at least I don’t just go around and destroy everything with a billion ponies!”

“Well that’s what I do… alright, alright!” The cyan pegasus backed down under the other ponies’ impatient glare. “I’ll play as the Huns!”

Twilight shook her head immediately, having learnt all the nuances of the game off by heart.. “No, no! The Huns are even- “

“Twi’, you can’t just stop Rainbow from playing anypony you don’t like,” the cowpony advised Her Highness. “It’s only fair.”

“But the Huns are… argh!” The alicorn resigned herself to the fact, not wanting to be overly domineering. “Fine. Play Huns. Applejack?”

“Franks,” the farm mare answered matter-of-factly.

“Let me guess… because of the farming.”

“Well it was either that or the Persians, and the Persian ponies are ugly.”

“I think they’re supposed to be elephants, Applejack,” the alicorn clarified, scrolling through the Persian tech tree.

“What’s an ‘elephant’?”

“It’s… ” The bookish mare caught a glimpse of Pinkie Pie’s impatient face. “Never mind.”

“Now teams!” The party pony quickly reclaimed center stage. “Twilight, you’re with me!”

Applejack’s mouth opened in shock. “But Pinkie, I’m competing with Rainbow!”

“Yeah!” the prismatic mare chipped in. “How are we supposed to know who’s better if we’re on the same team?”

“Too late!” Pinkie Pie chirped happily, grabbing Twilight by the neck and hugging her close despite the latter’s struggles. “There’s a scoreboard you can bring up in the game!”

"But- " Defeated, the pegasus and the farm pony slumped back into their seats, resorting to semi-dirty looks at each other.

Pinkie Pie poked in the relevant data and looked up, azure-blue eyes sparkling with anticipation. “Ready? Remember to click the button!”

Click. “Yes, Pinkie.”

Click. “Yep!”

Click. “All done! Oh, this is going to be sooo awesome!”

“One 2-v-2-Black-Forest-Normal-Map -200-Population-Map-Revealed-Dark-Age-Start game coming right up!” Pinkie Pie screamed in anticipatory delight. “Ready your headphones!”

Exasperated sighs at Pinkie’s hyperactivity. “Yes, Pinkie.”

“Three!”

Twilight lifted her gear up to her ears.

“Two!”

Her hoof was trembling and sweating with excitement. Oh, how she needed this fix - how she needed it so badly!

“One-point-five!”

King of Kings, Ruler of Rulers; the Orthodox God, dual-natured in Godhead and Manhood; Theotokos, the Virgin Mary; mighty souls of Justinian, Heraclius, Nikephoros and Basil – let this be the day in the life of the Romans!

“One!”

A pause.

Dark Age

Chapter 2 – Dark Age

~ Ioannes I “Twilight Sparkle” Tzimiskes ~

As the loading screen came into view, Twilight’s methodical mind painstakingly revisited the fundamental principles that had made her such a successful Roman leader – successful enough by her own assuredly unbiased metrics, at least.

One: Optimize play for maximum efficiency. That meant creating a comprehensive list of in-game actions the alicorn needed to do in order to get the most resources in the fastest time. A shameful thing to admit, but the Princess had even slacked off on a few of her royal duties – no Court hearings today, *cough cough* – in order to make time for the necessary calculations; and in typical Twilight fashion, she converted said calculations into a schedule, which was then proofread, memorized, recalculated, reproofread, and finally eaten so as to deny the fruits of her labor to her friends. When it came to gaming, Twilight was going to be mercilessly selfish.

Two: Economy first. If Rainbow Dash as an arch-swarmer par excellence had not yet completely turned her off the tactic, Twilight’s own calculations certainly did. To pour one’s entire stockpile of resources into one grand attack, leaving nothing behind – that was too risky for the cautious Princess; moreover, the Taktika of Leo VI “the Wise” cautioned against it, so it was also good roleplay. No – the purple alicorn would bide her time patiently, building up a strong economic base through which her game-winning war machine could run itself on, then use said war machine to crush her opponents.

Three: One enemy at a time. Resources were limited on the game map; the best use what little she had (and there was never enough), the bookish mare needed to commit her forces where optimal gains could be obtained. And this, as implied by the Strategikon, meant applying maximum pressure on a single enemy – no purpose of hers would be served by following the wild tactics of Rainbow Dash, careening dangerously through all corners of the map, no further idea as to what the overarching goal was. Of course the pegasus had always emerged victorious in these challenges, but then again-

Twilight’s train of thought was cut short with the familiar opening scene: a yellow, canvas-laid Town Center, a lone Scout, and three so-called “people” – what strange figures they are! – under the occupational name of “villager”.

The alicorn’s brain instinctively switched over to autopilot. The magical aura gestating around her horn leapt forth eagerly, enveloping the keyboard and mousepad and began executing her mental commands.

And as if possessed by some demonic force, Her Highness’ mouth opened and began chanting to the steady beat of clicking buttons, a voice in her brain loudly checking off each item on her meticulously calculated to-do list:

“Queue four villagers. Build two houses. Chop wood. Build lumber camp. Get sheep. Move two sheep to TC, rest stay outside. New villagers to sheep. Move lumberjack to sheep. Get more sheep. Research- “

“Would you cut it, Twi’?” The sound of Applejack’s voice suddenly inserted itself into the rhythm. “Some ponies are tryin’ to concentrate here- ”

“No!” Rainbow Dash hurriedly interrupted. “Keep on talking, Twilight; keep on talking! Don’t listen to Applejack!”

"Create more villagers... " Twilight looked up, wondering what all the fuss was about.

“I’m sorry?!” The orange mare turned on her nominal ally. “Just what do you think you’re doin’?”

Rainbow Dash pulled the country mare close and whispered into her ear, the farm pony’s eyes widening in comprehension. “Ohh… forget what I just said, Twi’.”

“Take one villager who isn’t chopping wood, and build a Mill… what?” The magical pony peeked over the screen once more.

“Nothing, nothing!” The weathermare gestured dismissively with a hoof. “You just keep on doing what you were doing.”

Twilight frowned and turned back to her list... wait. What was I supposed to be doing after the Mill?

…

...

...

“Grr!” Twilight groaned, smacking her brow repeatedly. Of all the times to forget… think, Twilight, think!-

Just then, an unwelcome noise, a sudden red notification at the bottom of the screen: You need more houses to continue unit production.

“Argh!”

*

~ Rainbow Dash ~

Rainbow Dash, like Twilight, had entered the game with a set of fundamental principles guiding her play. But unlike her royal friend, said principles were short and simple for the pegasus – soldiers, and anything that created more soldiers.

She still wasn’t too cool about the idea of Applejack being on her team – she really wanted to flood the farmpony’s settlement with a hundred Huskarls, darn it! – but it wasn’t all bad. After all, Applejack was always an economic player: perhaps Rainbow Dash could provide protection for the cowpony, and have remuneration come in the form of resources to fuel the Hunnic army.

But such resource exchanges were only going to be possible once the farming mare advanced up an age. For now, the same-old-same-old – villagers, wood, sheep, hou- wait, Huns don’t need to build houses? Sweeet! – barracks, more villagers, militia, gold, more sheep, boar, farms, more militia-

A small conversation line popped up on the screen. SAA_IS_BETTER: stop building militia!

The pegasus, surprised at Applejack’s apparent ability to see what she was doing, wheeled around and nearly smacked into the disapproving face of the orange mare, the latter’s hooves still working the laptop keyboard as she silently chastised Rainbow Dash for such an excessive focus on the military.

It was time to respond. WONDRBOLTS_RULE: its to save ur sry flank when TS attack u

A slap on her real-life fetlocks confirmed that the pegasus had achieved the reaction she was trying for. Applejack glared at her on-paper ally, eyes like daggers.

“You told us to simply follow what Twilight’s doing. She ain’t building no militia,” the orange pony hissed, Twilight’s low ramblings prominent in the background.

“Yeah well, I got bored,” the pegasus answered as she began queuing up more militia at the barracks. “I can’t be bothered with just villagers all day.”

“Don’t count on me to bail you out with that attitude,” Applejack muttered, sending more villagers to – what else? Farm – as she struggled to build up her economic supply chain. “You always ruin the game for everypony, Dash.”

Dash faked a yawn. “Let me guess. Another lecture. It’s a game, AJ… ”

The cowpony quickly smacked the pegasus’ right foreleg, sending green militia haywire as Rainbow’s hoof involuntarily pressed down on the keyboard.

Rainbow Dash quickly retaliated, using her own hoof to smack the orange pony’s keyboard. “We’re supposed to be a team, Applejack!”

Applejack gasped as her own units flew out of control, hastily deleting the six-or-so palisades that were now being erected around the blue Town Center. “Quit it, Rainbow!” she hissed, glancing briefly at Twilight to see if she had noticed the incessant bickering. Her Highness was still in her game-induced trance.

“You stop!” the pegasus retorted, making threatening moves towards the country mare’s keyboard once again.

“OK, OK!” Applejack beat a hasty retreat, unwilling to have Rainbow Dash spoil any more of her plans. “Just… just try and use your resources more wisely, alright? I can only provide help when I get up to the Feudal Age. So try not to die before then.”

The victor in this minor scuffle huffed, yet again lining up a few more units of militia in the barracks queue. “You should be the one who’s worried, Applejack.”

*

~ Pinkie Pie ~

Asmund – not important enough in the grand scheme of things to possess a last name – gazed at the cloudy sky, gray and dark in typical medieval fashion. He sighed unhappily, the wispy breath curling and fading into a background of foreboding pine trees.

These were evil days.

The Viking was old enough to remember the glorious legends concerning the Old Gods – Ask and Embla stirring, divine breath seeping into their wooden form; thunderous Thor wrestling with the terrible World-Serpent, the hammer Mjolnir grasped in his right hand; and of course, the prophecy of Ragnarok, the End of Time, the cataclysm through which the world would be burnt and then raised anew.

But the legends lied. Ragnarok happened, without fire sweeping through the Earth, without the dread shade of a Fenrir or Loki coming for bloodthirsty revenge – the gods simply slipped away, disappeared like a thief in the dead of night. No Tyr or Odin remained to watch over the salt of the Earth. No gods left in the halls of Asgard to listen to the Norsemen's prayers.

Well, almost nobody.

“Asmuuuund!” A shrill VOICE suddenly erupted forth from the heavens.

The bearded villager sighed. At least this new god was much more communicative with Her charges.

“I am listening, O Great ‘HI, I’M PINKIE’.”

“Asmund, I’ve already told you like a squillion times: call me PINKIE!” the VOICE groaned, the faint sound of a Godhead hitting something hard. “P-I-N-K-I-E! Simple!”

“Forgive me, O PINKIE. We dare not offend you in the future.”

To be honest, this new god did not stir up feelings of awe within Asmund.

“Hmph! Anyway, I see you are idle, Asmund!” the VOICE informed. “Your fellow Vikings are chopping wood, farming and hunting deer. Explain yourself!”

“I was a sailor, O PINKIE.” The Viking shrugged as respectfully as he could. “There is no water within this great forest for me to sail my longship on.”

“Typical,” PINKIE muttered off-handedly. “Giving me a naval civilization on a map that has no water!”

“… what was that, O PINKIE?” the villager asked, confused.

“Never you mind. Asmund!” the VOICE proclaimed. “I’ve suddenly thought up a super-duper-extra-special-brilliant plan!”

Great. “We shall do your bidding, O PINKIE.”

“Yeah, you don’t want to make a god angry all right! Anyway, Asmund: gather up the Norsemen, and seek out the famed boar of Hallormsstaðaskógur… however you pronounce that.”

The Viking frowned. “And where is Hallormsstaðaskógur, O PINKIE?” He wasn’t quite sure how to pronounce the word himself. Was it even Norse?

“Oh, right,” the VOICE giggled apologetically. “They don’t name things in this game. Anyway, travel east to the lands of Greece, and hunt the southernmost boar before the third house to the right of the Greek Town Center.”

To say that this bearded Norseman, clothed in a rather fetching pair of red pants, was unimpressed would have been an understatement. “O PINKIE, should we not reconsider?” Asmund protested. “Won’t the Emperor John of Greece be enraged if we steal his boar?”

“I’m pretty sure we’re allied with the Greeks,” PINKIE replied. “After all, I put the Byzantines and the Vikings on the same team and I’m pretty sure I also ticked ‘Lock Teams’.”

“Right.” Asmund wasn’t sure what he just heard, but who was he to argue with the supernatural wisdom of PINKIE?

That didn’t mean no questions, though. “But O PINKIE, why hunt boar so far away? I mean, I saw three fine specimens near the gold patch while I was walking over to the tree stump; I wager they are as- “

“Do not doubt the word of PINKIE,” the VOICE cautioned.

“Fine. But one last thing. I’m a sea-dog. I do not know how to hunt- “

“O ye of little faith!” PINKIE thundered as a ray of light shone down from a nearby cloud. “Sorry – I’ve just been waiting for the perfect opportunity to say that! But anyway. Did you really think I’d send you to do tasks you were totally unequipped for?”

Asmund wasn’t sure he wanted to answer. “Well… ”

But lo! The Spirit came down onto the villager, lighting a flame on his right hand: the flame became a light, the light became a shape, and the shape became a bow. And then the Spirit entered the Viking, and he was thus suddenly and immediately enlightened in the ways of the hunt.

“You are a doubtful little villager, aren’t you?” PINKIE questioned when all the fuss ended. “Now what do you have to say for yourself?”

And at that moment, Asmund believed. “Hail to the Lord of Lords, King of Kings!” he exclaimed, prostrating himself into the ground. “I shall hunt the boar of boar of Hallormsstaðaskógur with the blessing of PINKIE!”

“Awww, thank you!” purred the wholly un-Godlike response.

Feudal Age

Chapter 3 – Feudal Age

~ Ioannes I “Twilight Sparkle” Tzimiskes ~

“Feu-dal!” the alicorn announced triumphantly, joyful tambourines heralding a new age for the Basileia Rhomaion. “Now just to build a market and blacksmith, and then on to Castle… ”

Whatever further designs Her Highness had in mind faded abruptly into the ether, as she caught sight of a group of Viking villagers hunting boar.

Her boar.

“What the hay - Pinkie!” the purple pony exclaimed, urgently signaling out the offending units. “That’s my boar you’re hunting!”

“Oh hi Twilight!” Pinkie Pie happily directed her hunters towards the enraged animal, with another ten pouring out of the fog-of-war. “You see, I was thinking that we’ve been allies since the start of this game, but I haven’t done any alliance-y things at all! So I’m sending my hunters over to hunt the terrible and fearsome animals lurking around your town, so your villagers don’t have to get hurt when they gather food from them! Aren’t we, like, the bestest team ever?”

If the party pony was expecting thanks, she was to be sorely mistaken.

“Argh! Stop!” Twilight scolded, her right eye devolving into its characteristic twitch. “This isn’t the time for hunting boar! You’re ruining my entire plan- ”

“And now the fearsome, evil pig is dead!” Pinkie gloated, oblivious to the steam spewing from her lavender ally. “You can now gather the food safely, Twilight – thanks to your super-duper helpful ally, Pinkie Pie!”

“But I don’t need- “ The exasperated Princess clenched her jaw shut, trying darned hard to remain cordial with her pink friend. Calm down, Twilight; calm down! You were going to hunt that boar anyway; you can always make up lost time!

The alicorn ended her self-consolation with a sigh. “Thanks, Pinkie, I guess,” the alicorn muttered, grudgingly tasking villagers towards the dead animal. “You can go back now...”

The party pony had other ideas. “Oh I knew you would appreciate, Twilight! I’ll go on ahead and prepare more boar for you!”

Mental restraints snapped. “W-what?” The purple alicorn spun around, head spinning in horror. “No. No- !”

Too late. Another boar lay dead before the mighty bows of the Viking hunters. “Another victory for Twilight and Team!” Pinkie Pie chirped gleefully as Twilight pour yet another torrent of primal anguish onto her screen. “Ooh, deer! I’m sure Twilight will let us hunt a few of them for our work, Vikings!”

Molten lava throbbed past the purple pony’s veins. “What are you doing, Pinkie!” Twilight screamed, desperately dragging walls and palisades around her base in an attempt to contain this crazy red plague. “Stop! Stop! You don’t even have a place to store the food!”

“Oh, no problem, Twilight!” the pink mare answered. “I’ll be building one soon!”

Twilight’s ears flopped down so hard that they were pushing themselves into her temples. “Don’t tell me… you’re going to build a M-mill?”

“Oh no!” Her ally shook her head, a cheesy grin on her face. “Even better!”

“Even better?” Her Highness repeated, dread building up within her. But where else can you store food in this game-

“PINKIE!” Twilight Sparkle howled in an agony that would depress Konstantinos XI himself.

*

~ Applejack ~

Applejack silently observed Twilight’s travails from the other end of the table, a sort of guilty schadenfreude in her heart. Celestia knows how many times the cowpony had had to silently suffer through Pinkie Pie as an ‘ally’.

Speaking of unhelpful allies… the orange pony needed to inform Rainbow Dash of her latest achievement.

SAA_IS_BETTER: Im at Feudal

The response was both quick and predictable.

WONDRBOLTS_RULE: give me ur stuff

The farm pony frowned as she read the message, seething, feeling distinctly taken for granted. At least Pinkie or Twi’ would have asked.

Yet for better or for worse, Rainbow Dash was her ally: and so with a sigh, Applejack began the necessary preparations. Build market... research Coinage... research Cartography…

The fog-of-war surrounding the allied base lifted with that last piece of technology. Applejack quickly scanned over the Hunnic town, noting down what the pegasus seemed to require and also whether-

Wait.

SAA_IS_BETTER: are those UR units on other side of map?!

The country mare hastily took her gaze off the minimap and scrolled up towards Pinkie Pie’s town. Sure enough, the Viking Town Center was under attack, twenty or so of Rainbow Dash’s militia swinging away at the flimsy structure with their clubs – personally, an act that Applejack could not understand. Surely a good buck could've brought the whole thing down already?

Still no response from the prismatic pony. Why - does that pony think I'm invisible or somethin'?

“Rainbow!” the cowpony hissed, stomach tying itself into ever-smaller knots.

That got the weathermare’s attention. “Huh? What?”

“Just what are you doin’ in Pinkie’s town?” the orange mare responded, signaling out the problem area. “And how dare you attack the enemy without tellin’ me!”

“Whoa, Applejack, calm down! I’m sure it’s just- “ That characteristic cockiness faded away as the weathermare arrived at the scene, prior expressions replaced with a gormless gawp at the computer screen.

WONDRBOLTS_RULE: oh wow dunno how they got there haha

Applejack’s turn to be dumbstruck. “What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I don’t – I really don’t – I didn’t move them!” the pegasus babbled, flailing around for a plausible explanation. “Maybe it was- ”

Cerise eyes widened. “Ohh… it was you, Applejack! You moved them when you hit my keyboard! Your fault!”

“What the- how is this my fault!” Applejack challenged, cheeks flushing beet-red. “I hit the laptop because you were actin’ like a complete idiot!”

“You want to say that again, cowgirl?” the cyan pegasus shot back, stretching over and striking random keys on Applejack’s machine.

Applejack slapped the weathermare’s hoof away, hurriedly deleting the lines of construction created by Rainbow’s attack. “Get off! And get out of Pinkie’s base, right now!”

“What! You realize she’s the enemy, right?”

“You realize Pinkie’s Town Center can shoot arrows, right?” Applejack retorted. “Them soldiers are gon’ get shot to ribbons before- “

Applejack stopped midway, her eyes refocusing in on the action. Rainbow Dash’s militia were attacking all right, but - no damage? No arrows? No villagers?

“Urgh, fine,” the pegasus conceded, reluctantly withdrawing her forces. “I’ll retreat.”

“No!” The orange pony quickly reversed herself. “Don’t!”

“Huh?” The prismatic mare leered at her ally. “Make up your mind!”

“There’s nopony in Pinkie’s town!” the orange pony shouted, erupting into a flurry of action. “Dash, attack Pinkie’s base with all your units, now!”

“Really?” The pegasus’ ears perked up at the thought of victory, resending her soldiers into the fray. “Aww yeah! Rainbow Dash’s invincible army, coming right up!”

“Here’s the food and gold you need for Feudal!” Applejack continued, pressing out prerequisite amounts. “Get there fast, and we’ll defeat Pinkie before Twilight even realizes what’s happened!”

“Oh yeah!” Rainbow Dash stretched out her hoof, the arguments of the previous few minutes wholly forgotten. “AJ, we are so winning this!”

Applejack high-hoofed her pegasus ally. “Twilight best be quakin’ in her golden horseshoes 'round about now!”

The orange pony glanced Twilightward, hoping to catch a glimpse of Her Highness’ dismay. Instead, she found herself staring at a soundproof lavender bubble, both of her opponents engaged in a lively conversation beneath its shimmering cover. And judging from the alicorn’s distended jaw and windmilling forelegs, Applejack was pretty sure it was a very lively conversation indeed.

And the orange pony smiled at the scene. Finally – after all these games – a win.

*

~ Pinkie Pie ~

There was a disturbance in Asgard – or at least in what passed for Asgard these days. Eerie shouts and screams ringing throughout the skies, fading in and out of existence as if from another dimension. Were they perhaps the echoes of Ragnarok, dying sounds of Odin’s struggle against the terrible Surtr?

Not that it mattered much to mere mortals.

“Watch out for wolves, men.” Asmund motioned to his plucky band of Vikings, the slain boar of Hallormsstaðaskógur still draped around his shoulders. “No protection once we go past the Greek walls.” And perhaps even before that, seeing as they were never happier to see our backs.

His fellow Norsemen grunted their approval. “About time.”

“The journey back will be long and hard,” Asmund mumbled pensively, turning his head towards the bleak sky. “But at least we’re going home.”

Something else was on the Viking’s mind, however.

Doubts were creeping back into Asmund’s mind. Contrary to what PINKIE had said, the Boar of Hallormsstaðaskógur was no more dangerous than a normal boar; and the ‘treacherous’ Deer of Myrkviðr similarly no more cunning than a typical stag. So what was the point behind hunting these distant animals? Was the new god of the Norsemen, Asgard forbid, a coward?

“Asmund!” As if on cue, a VOICE thundered out from the heavens.

Shunting niggling thoughts to one side, the bearded villager knelt before the new God of the Norse. “Hail to PINKIE, Lady of the- ”

“No time, Asmund! Build a Town Center near Mikligarður, the Town Center of our Greek ally. And do it fast!”

“As you wish, O PINKIE.” The Norseman turned to his fellow villagers. “Anybody here know how to build a Town Center?”

Silence.

“Nobody?”

“Umm… well… ” A shaky hand from Harald: poor fellow was nearly mauled to death by three wolves pouncing on him at once. “I know how to build a house and a Mill – I guess we could fashion a Town Center out of that.”

“I know how to build houses and Mills too, Harald,” Asmund spat. “I was asking if you knew how to build a Town Center.”

“Well… no, then.”

Typical. “We have no idea how to build a Town Center, O PINKIE.”

“Oh, do I have to do everything myself!” the VOICE commented half-irritably. “Look! It’s just a question of pressing ‘Delete’... and there! Now think again.”

Asmund was again left in the dark as to what PINKIE was talking about, but there must have been good reasons. So he lowered his head and thought once more – and to his great surprise, his mind was suddenly filled with a wondrous vision of a wooden, thatched structure, much grander than the temporary tents the Norsemen had previously set up. Truly something worthy of Valhalla itself!

And there was only one being to thank here. “Hail, O PINKIE!” the villager prostrated fervently, awed once more by the divine power.

“I said fast, Asmund!” PINKIE repeated impatiently. “Twilight’s mane is getting real messy now!”

“Your will be done, O PINKIE!”

Asmund swiftly exhorted the group of scraggly hunters before him. “Northmen! The great PINKIE has commanded us to build a new Town Center here: for from this place we shall establish an empire, the likes Midgard has never seen before!”

Only a humorless silence received him.

“But why?” villager Bjorn whined. “I liked our old town!”

Asmund sighed. “Because- “ He stopped, frowned, then turned skyward. “Actually, why are we settling here, O PINKIE?”

“A terrible scourge from the South!” the VOICE thundered, lightning parting the dark skies above. “Queen Rainbow Dash of the Huns, evil seed that sprang from the dread Attila – she drives after us, black heart intent on destroying everything that is Viking! Already she has sacked our old town – and soon she will come after you, too!”

A shocked silence. The Norse homeland… gone?

“Umm… see!” the bearded Norseman addressed his congregation, now engaged in much weeping and gnashing of teeth. “Had we not left our town as PINKIE instructed us to, we would have all become slaves under the yoke of the evil Huns!”

Bjorn wasn’t convinced. “But surely if we had stayed behind, we could all have hidden within the Town Center- “

Then without even the slightest warning, the whiny villager, normally in full health, suddenly vomited blood and dropped dead.

“Do not question PINKIE!” the heavens rumbled.

The survivors of this terrible omen quickly abandoned their prior lamentations and begged for their lives, trembling mightily before this sign of divine omnipotence. “Spare us, PINKIE, the greatest of all the Norse Gods!”

“Nothing will happen if you do what I say!” PINKIE rumbled, forest pines shaking before the almighty VOICE. “And what I say is build a Town Center now! Quick! Twilight’s now threatening to shoot me with mangonels!”

“Twilight?” Asmund raised an eyebrow. This was the second time that PINKIE had mentioned this being, and both times very much in fear of it. Perhaps the Vikings should worship this TWILIGHT instead…

“Town Center now, Asmund!” PINKIE warned, marking out a site some ways near where the Vikings were now standing. “Unless you want me to Bjornify you!”

…on the other hand, it’s probably best to stick to the God that has power over life and death. “We shall endeavor to build as quickly as possible, mighty PINKIE!”

Castle Age

Chapter 4 – Castle Age

~ Ioannes I “Twilight Sparkle” Tzimiskes ~

Reaching the Castle Age brought no satisfaction into Twilight’s life, the alicorn merely clenching jaws ever tighter, grinding teeth ever harder. “Come on, Twilight, come on: you can fix this, you can fix this!”

Yet how exactly Twilight planned to ‘fix this’ was very much a mystery. For her mind remained locked in a deadly tailspin, still reeling from Pinkie’s absolute and total idiocy that had allowed Rainbow Dash to take over the Viking lands - that thought alone had Twilight biting down on her bruised lip once again. By the Piece of the True Cross, I am definitely never, ever teaming up with that pony after this…

“Hey Rainbow! Hold down the fort while I send villagers to build stuff in Pinkie’s place!”

The incessant baiting from Applejack wasn’t helping either.

“Grrrrrrrr!” Her Highness took her frustrations out onto the floor, three new hair strays curling out from her mane. By the Holy Sepulcher, I SWEAR I will NEVER EVER team up with Pinkie EVER AGAIN…

“Sure thing, AJ!” Rainbow Dash answered gleefully, her grating voice launching Twilight’s blood pressure into the stratosphere. “Ha ha, I can’t believe Pinkie actually let us take her town without even a fight! With all the extra gold and stuff, we’ll be sure to whip Royal flank now!”

GrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRR!

The whiff of burning keratin was the only warning anypony got.

*

“Jesus- I mean, Celestia: I’m so, so sorry, Pinkie! I didn’t mean to burn your laptop, I really didn’t, I just…! I’ll repay you double; triple! Oh, I am so unbelievably sorry: it just came out of nowhere and I lost control… Really? You have a spare? Oh, thank Celestia! Sure, sure, we can play a new round… What? You want to continue with the last game, Pinkie? Really? Really really?... Um, ok then… I guess… if that’s what you want. Sorry for what happened earlier…”

*

~ Ioannes I “Twilight Sparkle” Tzimiskes ~ (Take Two)

Her Highness had never been more grateful for Pinkie Pie’s rigorous savegame policy.

“Hey, Pinkie.” The purple alicorn prodded her ally gently. “I’m at Castle now. You need any help getting there?”

“Oh no: the deer you let me hunt put me over the edge! Thanks, Twilight!”

Her Highness had also never been more grateful for Pinkie Pie’s carefree, oh-I-don’t-mind-that-you-just-torched-my-laptop policy.

“Don’t mention it, Pinkie. You just keep up with the good work while I figure out a way to get out of this mess- I mean, problem,” the alicorn reassured, eyeing the other end of the table warily. For their part, Rainbow Dash and Applejack were staring resolutely at their screens, careful not to engage in any more psychological warfare.

The whole room lapsed into an uneasy quiet, nothing but the tap-tapping of computer keys punctuating the silence.

Lots of time for Her Highness to review her situation. Sigh, the alicorn thought mirthlessly as she tasked new villagers to farms. Still facing two enemies with one base. If I let AJ and Rainbow build up, eventually they’ll overwhelm us: I need to hit them hard before they’re ready. But how can I do that when the both of them have more units and more resources? After all, the fundamental problem is that I’m still facing two enemies with one base…

Twilight’s spirits sank ever lower with each iteration of this well-trodden cycle. Oh, a good outcome is getting more and more impossible by the minute!

This is hopeless! A sudden frustration gripped the purple alicorn; a split-second later, her cursor hovering over the ‘Resign’ button. I can’t win like this! Nopony has ever won like this! Not even the Byzantines had to deal with something like this!

Are you sure you want to resign this game?

Yes No

Wait!

The purple pony’s hoof bounced away from the left mouse button as if repelled by some invisible force. The alicorn frowned. Never a good sign, negotiating with your inner self.

Said inner self pressed on regardless. You’re wrong, Twilight. The Byzantines DID deal with something like this! And you call yourself Equestria’s expert on the Eastern Roman-

“No they didn’t!” Her Highness responded audibly, drawing confused looks from her fellow gamers. “They never had to deal with a major war on two fronts! It never hap- “

The magical pony stopped, her tongue paralyzed by its idiocy.

You stupid pony, the inner voice chastised. Don’t you remember the Byzantine-Sasanian War of 602-628? The one where Herakleios faced down both the Avars in the West and the Persians in the East?

“And the Byzantines won that war as well!” the alicorn realized, heaven itself seemingly opening up in front of her. “So it is possible- “

“Something wrong, sugarcube?” Applejack interrupted, eyeing her mentally-unstable friend with justified suspicion.

In true Roman fashion, Twilight Sparkle had better things to do with her time than to talk to unwashed and barbarian Latins. “Oh, thank Herakleios, thank the Patriarch Sergius, thank the Virgin Mary!” she exclaimed, sweeping away her despair with renewed vigor. “I think I’ve figured this out – I have figured this out!”

Rainbow Dash couldn’t resist pulling Her Highness down a few pegs. “Figured what out, Twilight? You mean, figured out how to give up without looking like a- “

“Pinkie!” Twilight’s voice soared over the snark as the purple pony conjured up a scroll in front of her struggling ally. “Please, help me out: read the scroll, and do exactly what it says!”

“Okey-dokey-lokey!" The party pony didn’t even read what was on the parchment before giving her answer. “The Vikings will do as Her Majesty wills!”

The purple alicorn nodded gratefully as she laid out the foundations for a castle. “We’re back in this game, Pinkie, and we’re back with a vengeance!”

Slowly but surely, the sleeping giant of the Basileia Rhomaion began to stir.

*

~ Rainbow Dash ~

Ponyville’s weathermare could care less about how many sleeping giants were now awakening for the Byzantine Empire. For the pegasus was way ahead of everypony else militarily – her stables were pumping out cavalry archers, five-at-a-time; was Twilight doing that? Yeah, I thought not! – and so there couldn’t possibly be anything that Twilight could do to hurt her.

Might as well give a few more minutes before landing the mercy blow. It was kind of funny, after all, seeing the real-life Twilight wrestle with her certain defeat.

By the way, probably the best time to ask Applejack to pull her own weight in this game, for once: WONDRBOLTS_RULE: more stuff! After all, Rainbow Dash was doing all the work against Twilight and Pinkie Pie: it was Hunnic troops dying on the battlefield, and Hunnic troops that pulled down Pinkie Pie's Town Center!

But no, what came back was another one of her ally’s annoying messages. SAA_IS_BETTER: u shld build more villagers

Rainbow Dash groaned in annoyance. WONDRBOLTS_RULE: how about u wrk hardr instead

Applejack glared at her partner. “It ain’t efficient like that, Rainbow,” she remarked, supervising her new Town Center being built on Pinkie Pie’s land. “Every time I send you stuff, I pay a tax for it.”

“Tax, schmax,” the weatherpony sniggered, confidence radiating from every pore. “It’s worth it just to see my wonderific skills in action!”

The farm pony chafed at the boasting. “I recall me sendin’ those militias for you, Rainbow Dash.”

“Yeah, while trying to ruin what I was doing!” the weathermare reminded pointedly. “Thanks a lot, AJ!”

“Now just wait there a goshdarn minute!” The orange pony, needled, burst out. “I did that because you weren’t pullin’ your weight in this here team! And you still aren’t!”

The cyan pegasus’ face flushed slightly as she scrolled over to her fearsome horde. “I’m sorry, cowgirl? You want to run that by me again?”

“I said you aren’t pullin’ your weight!”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes narrowed. “You want to say that again, Applejack?”

No backing down for the country mare. “I said, you aren’t pulling your- “

Fwhoomp!

The smoke cleared, the mangonel went away, and the Frankish villagers Applejack tasked with building the Town Center were now lying in a pool of their own blood.

“Now do you want to say that again?” the pegasus challenged.

“What the- “ The orange pony shuddered, initial perplexion quickly giving way to anger. “Those were my only villagers there! How dare you… “

The country mare lunged sideways, foreleg outstretched in an attempt to swipe at Rainbow Dash’s keyboard – but the weathermare had readied a quick counter-slap of her own, knocking back Applejack’s hoof in a stinging rebound.

“Ow!” Applejack shrunk back, nursing a throbbing forehoof.

Rainbow smiled triumphant. “Ha! That’ll teach you!”

The cowpony seethed, humiliation and anger compounding to form a perfect storm. “Well that’s it!” she snarled, quickly using another method to get back at her nominal ally. “No more help! You go pay for your own army!”

“Oh yeah?” the pegasus shot back. “Well in that case, don’t expect me to defend you!”

“Fine!” Applejack waved her hoof angrily, opening the diplomatic menu – darn it, locked teams! – “Let’s see you lose against Twilight, then!”

“It’ll be your fault if that happens!”

“Your fault!”

“Your fault!”

“Yours!”

“Yours!”

“Mine!”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash abruptly stopped their petty feud. That last line didn’t come from either of them.

Princess Twilight Sparke peered triumphantly over her own monitor. “Prepare to meet the might of the Varangian Guard, barbarian scum!”

*

~ Pinkie Pie ~

Asmund’s jaw dropped. “You mean… I- I’m supposed to be the Varangian Guard? I’m supposed to be attacking the entire Hunnic Army?”

“Yes! It's going to be you and you alone, Asmund!“ PINKIE exclaimed, trying to mask her doubts with triple the enthusiasm. “Oh, isn’t this just the greatest thing ever! I mean, except for the certain death under the hooves of Queen Rainbow Dash’s cavalry, but still- “

The bearded Norseman dropped to his knees in fervent gratitude. “Oh, thank you, thank you, O Great PINKIE!”

“But I guess if you ran fast enough you could- huh?” the VOICE stopped, curious. “What are you doing, Asmund?”

The red-trousered Norseman ignored her question, banging his head onto the frozen ground over and over again in joyful praise. “Oh, thank you, PINKIE; thank you, LORD PINKIE!”

PINKIE was wronghoofed. “Um… ” she began slowly. “Usually other ponies ask me this, but... did I miss a step?”

“What do you mean, O Great PINKIE?” the Viking said, gathering small herbs and grasses for a mini-sacrifice.

“You are going to die, Asmund,” the VOICE reminded him.

So it was confirmed! The Norseman flung himself onto the ground , weeping and howling in gratitude. “Oh, praise be to PINKIE! Praise be to PINKIE!”

This weirdness was weirding out even PINKIE herself. “Okay, okay: stop with the praises, stop with the praises!”

Her most humble servant quickly complied.

PINKIE latched on to the only explanation she could have for this strangeness, the skies darkening in Godly anger. “I’m a bit hurt by this, Asmund!” she scolded. “You’re the only mortal I talk to, I’ve made you the leader of the Vikings, and I even asked Twilight to restart this game after she fried my computer! And now you’re telling me that you’re sick of the Nice and Wonderful PINKIE PIE? So sick that you even want to die?!”

The Viking looked up, shock and horror on his face. “What? No no, that’s not what I meant- I just want to go to Valhalla!”

“Really? What’s Valhalla?”

“Valhalla is the place where warriors go if they die in battle, as opposed to ordinary people who just go to Hel… ” Asmund’s voice trailed off as he realized the implications. “Wait. If you don’t know what Valhalla is… does it mean that the place doesn’t exist?”

“Well I’ve never heard of that before!” PINKIE reverted to her bubbly demeanor, sunbeams piercing the sky above. “Sounds fun! We should definitely go check it out, Asm- “

“No!” the Viking threw his entire body onto the floor, weeping and gnashing his teeth. “Nooo! O Merciful PINKIE, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die!”

“…ook,” the VOICE said, totally confused. “What’s the problem now- ”

A sudden ethereal groan from beyond PINKIE herself interrupted the conversation between God and mortal. “Pinkie! I told you to attack Rainbow Dash five minutes ago! Stop delaying!”

“Uh oh,” PINKIE mumbled, a touch of fear in her voice. “Be right back… Asmund’s being a bit difficult, Twilight- “

“Urgh, by the Council of Chalcedon! He’s just a villager, Pinkie: order him!”

“Well he keeps on talking about Valhalla and death and- ”

“You and your conversations! Look… give the laptop to me and I’ll do it for you.”

That must be TWILIGHT, Asmund thought, the cold mud below oozing uncomfortably around him. Hopefully she’ll be less of a taskmaster…

“ASMUND!” the booming voice of TWILIGHT suddenly thundered through the entire forest, pine trees creaking ominously in its wake, hundreds of meteors ripping through the sky for good measure. “Your LORD commandeth you to fight the Huns, NOW!”

It took a while for the Norseman to find the mental strength to operate his vocal cords. “O Merciful Twilight… c-can you find someone else- “

“NO!” TWILIGHT sent another fireball streaking across the sky. “You are an equation in a game! I have full power! You are not going to refuse!”

Asmund fell onto the ground in utter fear, too scared to utter even a word, hoping against hope that this vengeful TWILIGHT might just give up after-

“I’m dragging the Moon down onto the Earth, Asmund!” TWILIGHT bellowed in divine fury. “You’ll be getting 0.0123 Earth-masses of low-density plagioclase mineral up your flank if you don’t do something soon!”

Terrified, the Viking looked up at the burning sky and- by PINKIE, the Moon was indeed getting larger and larger, at an alarming rate- no! Not another Ragnarok!

“Everything you know is going to die because of you, Asmund!” TWILIGHT warned. “Your friends and family and homes and dogs and cats and goats and cows and- ”

“Okay, okay!” Asmund broke under the strain. “I’ll go, I’ll go, O Mighty TWILIGHT; mercy, mercy!”

The advance of the Moon stopped as the Viking got to his shaky feet, heart still fiercely pounding in his chest. “The enemy is there, Asmund!” Twilight cast a green circle around an enemy Long Swordsman some ways down the forest path, curiously unperturbed by any of the apocalyptic visions. “You better go and hit him fast, before… before… ”

A massive explosion rocked the sky as the Moon shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.

“Ahh!” The Viking wheezed in terror at this horrific spectacle, blindly scurrying in the direction of the enemy before this crazy God could do any more Earth-shattering damage. “Spare us, O Merciful TWILIGHT; spare us!”

*

The purple alicorn levitated the laptop back into her ally’s hooves. “And that’s how you deal with peasants, Pinkie.”

“That's not very nice, Twilight,” the party pony murmured uneasily. “And you destroyed the Moon for basically no reason at all.”

Her Highness groaned. “Look, you said I needed to convince your villager to attack Rainbow Dash's soldiers,” the alicorn muttered as she made the finishing touches to her Grand Plan. “Flaming fireballs and exploding Moons are convincing enough.”

*

~ Rainbow Dash ~

Rainbow Dash, Queen of the Huns, chuckled as she zoomed over her cavalry-archer horde, primed to strike down Twilight’s puny city in one fell swoop. Oh, I’m going to win, I’m soo going to win-

The sound of a warning horn abruptly cut through the pegasus’ self-congratulation. “Wha-?” The prismatic mare scrolled over to where trouble was, expecting a rogue cavalry unit straying too close to a tower, maybe an unfortunate enemy scout-

Rainbow Dash’s eyes bulged in amazement.

Villagers. Pinkie Pie was attacking with villagers… no, not even the plural. A stupid villager, hitting her Long Swordsman with his stupid dagger, which apparently was made of stupid clay from the damage it was causing.

“Stupid villager!” Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth as she clicked on the Long Swordsman to respond with his gleaming sword of death. “Time to die- no. Oh no you are not leaving!”

Pinkie Pie laughed and giggled from the other end of the table as the villager now fled from the Long Swordsman, the latter unable to match the former’s speed. “Oh no: run away, Asmund; far, far away from the evil Rainbow Dash!”

“You get back here right now!” the pegasus scowled, frantically trying to have her Swordsman catch up to the insolent peasant. Tragically, the athletic pony had forgotten that repeated clicks of the right mouse button do not make units move faster, and so the gap between the two units continued to widen to the pegasus' anguish and rage.

How dare Pinkie Pie attack her! How dare that nearly-dead pony strike the most powerful force Equestria has ever known with only one villager! How dare she humiliate her like that! How dare Pinkie Pie not show any respect!

There was only one thing to do.

“Oh I’ll teach you, Pinkie, I’ll teach you never to do that again!” a boiling Rainbow Dash snarled, dragging selection boxes over her entire army. “Prepare to eat arrows, Pinkie Pie!"

Applejack’s ears perked up. “Rainbow, what-“ Green pupils dilated at the sight of the Hunnic horde on the march. “What?! Rainbow, no!” she exclaimed, frantically signaling out the moving forces in the vain hope that it was another of Rainbow’s command errors. “No! Stop! You only have cavalry archers, you can’t attack walls!”

“Go away, Applejack!” the weathermare shouted, their previous disagreement still fresh in her mind. “We’re not allies anymore! Stop telling me what to do!”

The rustic pony could only gaze helplessly as the fortified walls of Twilight Sparkle’s base came into view, the impudent Viking villager traversing through a portcullis which locked firmly behind him. “You can’t attack them now, Rainbow; arrows won’t… ”

“Oh, I get it now,” Rainbow sneered sarcastically, seeing nothing but burning shame in front of her. “You don’t want my score to be the highest in the game ‘cause that’ll mean I win. Oh, clever, AJ. Too bad I’m about to attack!”

*

~ Pinkie Pie ~

The roar of battle safely contained behind a row of fortified walls and then another row of guard towers, Asmund turned to the five balding men before him, a sense of intellectual inferiority welling up within. After all, he was a peasant, and they were eggheads. Such eggheads, in fact, that the egginess of their heads was literal rather than metaphorical.

The monks glanced at him with equal disdain.

The villager’s cheeks grew as red as his pants as he strode towards the monks. “Um… hail, holy men! My name is Asmund, and- “

“We know what your name is and what you are here to do,” the portly priest in the center snapped. “PINKIE truly works in mysterious ways.”

Tell me about it, the villager thought.

The monk continued. “What I don’t understand is why we have to listen to you in order to learn how to convert others to the true faith of PINKIE. After all, we have spent our lives studying the holy texts, and you are but a mere peasant.”

“PINKIE has told me personally that she thinks the old ways of persuading people don’t work,” Asmund shrugged. “She has instructed me to teach you the new ways in which we can spread our faith.”

His interlocutor snorted, motioning to his underling next to him. “PINKIE’s will be done, I suppose. Brother Olaf, take notes.”

The rustling of quill and parchment as Asmund collected his thoughts. He glanced worriedly at the Moon, hastily patched up with glue by an apologetic PINKIE.

“Alright then,” Asmund began. “The first word is ‘cherrychanga’…”

Imperial Age

Chapter 5 – Imperial Age

~ Rainbow Dash ~

“Surrender now, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash announced impetuously as a sea of cavalry archers let loose a spray of arrows against the defenses of Pinkie Pie. “I don’t want to humiliate you more than I’ve already done, pal!”

The pegasus’ purple opponent was strangely unflummoxed, her mind concentrating on other matters. “Let’s see you try once Pinkie Pie’s upgraded her towers to keeps, Rainbow.”

“Pinkie’s not going to last long and you know it!” the cyan mare warned, piling up more and more horsemen in front of the gates, the continuous whistle of flying arrows ringing in her ears. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be!”

“Sure, sure,” Her Highness dismissed the pegasus’ threats, distractedly clicking on other things. So far, so like the Siege of 626. “Whatever. Constantinople will hold.”

*

~ Pinkie Pie ~

“Keep up the fire, all you men and women!” Asmund exhorted as he fired off another arrow from his murder hole in the tower. “Remember that you are the children of Ragnar Lodbrok and Great Canute: fight like them!”

Notching another arrow onto his bow – thank PINKIE they had literally an unlimited supply of these – Asmund let loose another shot: yes! The Hunnic cavalry archer that he was aiming for… well he was alive, but the soldier next to him suddenly toppled forward, an iron-tipped shaft straight in his leaking brain. More shots like these and the Huns were doomed…

“More coming in!” Ingrid the Lumberjack cried out, finger pointing at another group of Hunnic cavalry dashing into the fray. “By PINKIE – these Huns are endless! We can’t hold like this, Asmund; they’ll overrun us!”

“Well, we have to hold!” Asmund yelled back, barely dodging loose bricks and shattered masonry as the keep shook and groaned under another round of arrow fire. “This tower is the last line of defence against the enemy! If we don’t stay here and keep shooting, they’ll- “

Crash! The Norseman’s words were cut short as a flaming beam collapsed in front of him, the structure screaming in its death throes.

A sudden terror gripped Asmund, whose brain immediately demanded a literal and metaphorical U-turn. “We have to retreat!” the Norseman abruptly exclaimed to his fellow comrades-in-arms. “This tower is doomed! We need to evacuate, now!”

“But you just said we needed to fight to the end!” Ingrid shouted over the fiery din. “Will you just be consistent- “

“Get out!” the villager yelled in a panic, seizing the poor girl by the arm and yanking her down the stairs, acrid smells of burning wood all over.

“But- “ Ingrid had barely begun complaining before the duo rushed out of the door: and as she looked up at the flaming structure that she had just left, the lumberjack no longer had any desire to. “Oh. Guess I’ll have to find another tower, then.”

“Quickly!” Asmund ordered, gesturing to one of the less-burnt out structures elsewhere. “I’ll come along as soon as- “

It was at this point that the Viking caught sight of a few monks idling some ways behind him, eggy heads deep in their books as if in meditation. What?

Asmund strode angrily to the relaxing group. “What are you doing?! Our brothers and sisters in PINKIE are dying out there, and you priests are relaxing?”

The monks looked up, nettled by this unwelcome intervention. “We’re resting, Asmund,” the lead abbott remarked. “Our work demands it.”

“But you can’t rest now!” the red-trousered peasant flapped his hands around in a fit. “Miklagarðr is under attack and we need everybody to pull their part!”

“Prophet Asmund,” Brother Olaf groused. “Bringing new victims- I mean, new converts to the faith is a mentally exhausting business. Especially with PINKIE’s new doctrines.”

“Do you even know draining that chant is?” the abbot chipped in, wincing at the very thought. “Our LORD could hardly have chosen a more fitting weapon against our enemies.”

The bearded Norseman frowned, sensing excuses instead of explanations.

The abbot groaned and shot a dirty look at this inexplicably holy peasant. “Look, we’ll prove it to you. Assemble!”

With much complaint and sullen glares, the five monks assembled in a row, kept apart from the raging Huns only by a flimsy-looking grate. The abbot scanned long and hard at the mass of testosterone-fuelled cavalry before him. “Targets… let’s see… that horseman over there! You all see him, Brothers?”

The portly monk pointed to a Hunnic Knight raging on the portcullis with his sword, chipping the poor weapon badly in the process. He was fierce and deadly, and Asmund gulped as he thought of the monks attempting to calm, let alone convert, such a feral beast.

The abbot continued. “Knowledge of the correct doctrine is of the utmost importance when we seek to turn a heathen towards the Light. In his most recent encyclical, our most dear Prophet Asmund has foretold of the division of the world into good and evil: the Universe of Light, ruled by PINKIE, the Viking-Savior; and the Universe of Darkness, ruled by TWILIGHT, the Moon-Destroyer. We must drag that fallen knight into the Universe of Light, and add further strength to PINKIE’s forces! And so, Brothers, focus all your energies on this holy task!”

“PINKIE’s will be done, Father Abbot!”

The monks quickly donned on protection – wads and wads of cotton wool into their ears. Asmund quickly followed suit.

“So deep breaths, Brothers!” came the final order. “Clear your minds… one… two… three!”

PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT What- CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL Argh! KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT Too loud! CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE No! BARREL KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA Stop! PICKLE BARREL My ears! KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL No more! KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA They’re bleeding! PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT PICKLE BARREL It’s in my head! KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA Get out of my head!-

“Noooooo!” the Knight was now writhing about in utter mental agony, his hands permanently stuck to his ears as if they were stuck together with glue. “Stop! Stop! I’ll do anything you ask! Just stop with the darned Chimicherrychangas!”

“The only way to stop the chanting is for you to attack Rainbow Dash’s cavalry archers!” the abbot demanded.

“B-but… ” the Knight looked uneasily around at his former comrades. “They’re my friends! Can’t I just desert instead of defecting- “

PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT CHIMICHERRYCHANGA PICKLE BARREL KUMQUAT-

The Knight screamed, frantically picking up his sword and cleaving it through his former allies in desperation: “Make it stop! Make it stop! Make it- ”

Fwoop! A brief shower of arrows quickly gained him the death that he so longed for.

“Now that is one enemy less we have to deal with, thanks to the greatness of PINKIE.” The lead abbot turned back to Asmund, a smirk on his face. “Though I’m not sure how popular our religion can get if we merely use our new converts as cannon fodder.”

“Oh… wow.” The Viking was too amazed by this display of the power of faith to say much in comment. “Praise be to PINKIE!”

*

~ Applejack ~

“Use your mangys, Rainbow!” the orange pony pointed out, belatedly deciding to provide some moral support to her on-again, off-again ally. “And aim for the towers, not the walls!”

“Oh, thanks for telling me now, Applejack!” the cyan pegasus exclaimed, getting more and more agitated as the body count began to pile up. “Where were you the last five minutes!”

The cowpony’s eyes twitched – a frustratingly frequent action in this particular game. “If you didn’t insult me all the time, Rainbow, I might’ve been willin’ to do a bit more.”

“Whatever! You were the one who started the whole thing off!”

Applejack scowled and surveyed the battlefield further, looking for more nitpicks in the pegasus’ strategy. “Your cavalry are firin’ every which way, Rainbow,” she chided as the Hunnic mangonels finally fired their first consequential volley. “Focus your fire!”

And finally one of Pinkie Pie’s accursed keeps fell down into a heap of ash and rubble, brightening the pegasus’ mood somewhat. “Focus fire? What’s that?”

The orange pony sighed. “Select your units,” she explained, demonstrating to Rainbow Dash on her own laptop, “and then choose a target for them to fire on- ”

“Like this, Rainbow!”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked up from their monitors, puzzled. Pinkie Pie. “Say goodbye to your mangy little mangy, Dashie!”

“Mangy little mangy? Mother-!” Too late, the weatherpony shifted focus back to her siege engines, just in time to catch one expensive machine splintering under a storm of arrows, another one not too far behind.

“Oh Celestia.” Applejack facehoofed, grudgingly preparing another round of tribute for the cyan pony.

Rainbow Dash was quick to assign blame, her army now being reduced to half-strength without any noticeable progress. “Oh wow, thanks for the advice, AJ – sheesh!”

Any more of this snark and Applejack’s body would burst into flames. “Rainbow, if you think you’re the only one who’s doin’ work here then maybe I should just resign, okay?” the rustic pony shot back irritably. “Let’s see how you do when you don’t have anypony givin’ you food and gold, yeah?”

“We’ll see soon enough.”

“Thanks, Twilight- “ The cowpony frowned. “Wait. What?”

“I said, Rainbow’s going to see soon enough how important of an ally you are, AJ.” Twilight Sparkle stared straight at her central objective, a wide grin stretching across the bottom half of her face. “Because you are about to be Schooled!”

*

~ Ioannes I “Twilight Sparkle” Tzimiskes ~

“A pretty good pun, isn’t it?” Her Highness commented bemusedly as Applejack’s pupils grew to the size of saucers. “You see, the elite bodyguards of the Roman Emperors were called ‘Scholae Palatinae’ – the Palatine Schools – for some weird reason. And you now have the privilege of being on the sword end of this piece of history!”

The orange pony could only let out a pained squeal as she caught a glimpse of the army right on her doorstep: Hussars and Cataphracts and Cavaliers and Camels; Skirmishers and Cannoneers and Monks and Rams… oh, and to think that she had spent so much time criticizing Rainbow Dash’s errors, without once looking over her own!

“Rainbow Dash…” the farm pony croaked. “Help me!”

The pegasus was still blissfully focused on her faltering attack against Pinkie’s walls, the ground before them spattered with dead cavalry and flattened engines. “Oh so you want my help now, AJ? Where were you when I was fighting- “

A quick glance at Applejack’s frantic signaling silenced her sarcasm. “Oh, by Celestia... coming right now, Applejack!” the pegasus exclaimed, pulling back the remnants of her mauled army and ordering them to Applejack’s base posthaste. “Hold on, AJ, hold on!”

“And the Basileia Rhomaion has pulled off a brilliant strategic move, worthy of even mighty Herakleios himself!” The alicorn provided real-time analysis as her siege rams approached Applejack’s flimsy defences: stone walls, are you kidding me?! “And now, just like the impotent Persian armies before the walls of Constantinople, Rainbow Dash can only watch as the glorious Roman forces sack the heartland that fuels her war machine- “

“Quit it, Twilight- horseapples!” Applejack’s annoyance swiftly turned to something much worse as a section of wall crumbled before Twilight’s devastating assault. “Rainbow, she’s in, she’s in! You get over here, all your troops, right now!”

“And the menacing fortifications of the evil Latins are breached with embarrassing ease!” Twilight cackled maniacally, sending platoon after platoon of soldiers through to begin the pillage. “This is for the Fourth Crusade, you filioque-inserting heretics!”

“Twilight, what the hay are you talkin’ about!” Applejack gasped as she launched into a flurry of superficial action, utterly disabled by the dizzying influx of enemy troops, the warning horns blaring everywhere, the villager deaths, the building attacks, the burning everywhere, the impending defeat- “Rainbow Dash! Help! Where are you!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming, Applejack!” the pegasus shouted back, clicking as she had never clicked before – units, buildings, trees, anything to give the impression of progress- “I’m going as fast as I can! Give me more stuff!”

“There ain’t much more I can give you!” Applejack hollered, sweaty hooves tributing what meager sums she could to her ally. “Where are your soldiers, Rainbow, where are they- “

“Aaand the Huns are finally here!” Her Highness exclaimed, on a roll and eagerly savoring the bloody business. “You’ll find no tribute from Byzantium this time around, evil nomads!”

The pegasus grimaced. “You’re not going to win that easily, Twi- ” Too late: Twilight’s Hussars and Cavaliers had closed the gap between the two armies, slicing through what was left of the earth-shattering horde like butter. “Horseapples! Mother- ”

“And the evil Huns are destroyed!” Twilight Sparkle announced triumphantly. “Never since the Battle of Levounion have we seen such a total victory over the heathen horsemen!"

“Raainbow!” Applejack howled in despair.

“Don’t blame me!” the pegasus snapped. “You’re the one who couldn’t hold the walls for thirty seconds!”

“Are you kiddin’ me!” the farm pony screamed, close to tears as the Scholae Palatinae raged unchecked throughout her precious lands. “I gave you all those resources so you could defend me! And you had to throw it all away on some stupid attack that never should have happened!”

“Blah blah blah, ‘wasting my resources’, ‘stupid attacks’, that’s all you want to talk about!” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Why don’t you quit moaning and start helping?”

“I’m tryin’, I am tryin’!” Applejack replied despondently, evacuating her burning town with whatever villagers she could scrape together. “I… I’ll do a Pinkie, alright? She managed to survive your attack; I bet I can, too… ”

“Sure, Applejack,” the heady alicorn sneered, moving onto the last Frankish Town Center. “Because, as the guardian of one thousand years of Roman history and culture, I’ll totally make the same mistakes that Rainbow Dash did.”

*

~ Pinkie Pie ~

Asmund stood at the edge of the great forest clearing. It all seemed so familiar to him – the gold deposits shimmering in the morning light, the little lake teeming with shore fish at the forest’s edge, the herds of deer frolicking around in the emerald glen.

He was home. The Vikings were home.

To think that, not so long ago, the entire nation was cowering before the terror of the evil Hunnic Queen, horde after horde of cavalry archers throwing themselves at the blood-stained walls – and look at us now!

As the surviving Norsemen trudged through the field of skeletons and ashes, past the hulking shadows of wrecked engines and dead dreams, and all the way back to the Viking homeland, one thing became abundantly clear.

This was no mere victory. It was a deliverance. A miraculous deliverance, possible only through the omnipotence and omnibenevolent of the God of Gods, Lord of Lords, Ruler of the Universe of Light: LORD PINKIE of Asgard.

Asmund stretched out his arms and turned Heavenwards. Birds chirped; soft winds blew.

And then, calling upon all his strength, the Viking let loose his voice throughout the verdant forest: “Oh, PRAISE BE TO YOU, O GREAT PINKIE PIE!”

And as if in response to his call, the Sun’s rays pierced through the dreary medieval clouds, bathing the world in its warmth. “Thank you soo much, Amazing Villager Asmund!” the VOICE proclaimed. “Oh, I wouldn’t have known what to do if you weren’t here to help! And now we’ve almost won and we Vikings can begin rebuilding our town once again!”

Tears welled up in Asmund’s eyes. To think that he had originally laughed at this divine upstart…

“… but first, I think all that effort should be rewarded with a snack!” the VOICE opined happily. “So you just wait here, Asmund; I need to look around Twilight’s fridge for a real prize! Oh, the recording of this battle is going to be soo great!”

The Norseman didn’t pretend to understand what PINKIE was talking about. But then again, why should he? By delivering the Vikings from all their trials and tribulations, PINKIE had demonstrated herself to be omnipotent, omnibenevolent and omniscient. So whatever PINKIE did, it had to be right.

And so Asmund stood on the high hill, patiently, motionlessly, arms stretched out, head turned up, and forever praising the munificence of the One True LORD, PINKIE PIE.

*

~ Rainbow Dash ~

Grrr…

Rainbow Dash hated losing, and especially when victory had been so within her grasp… this wasn’t possible! She had the largest army! She had thrown Pinkie Pie out of her own land! She had wound Twilight up so much that she burnt her own computer! There was no way that a few stupid walls could have stopped the Huns… it wasn’t possible!

The sickening sound of collapse as another Hunnic Castle gave way before Twilight’s siege rams and trebuchets. “The powerful Roman military knocks down another nomad abomination!”

GrrrRRRRR…

“Rainbow, you have to do somethin’!” Applejack wheezed in a panic. “Make troops, darnit, make villagers if you need to!”

Not enough food. Not enough wood. Not enough gold. “What do you think I’m doing, Applejack?” Rainbow Dash scowled, her hooves desperately trying any unit that could be produced. “I’ve got nothing left!”

“I’m sending you everythin’ I can!” Applejack responded, tributing pitiful sums of a hundred each, tears rolling down her face at the prospect of such a humiliating loss. “I’m at the end of my rope!”

Cataphract upon Cataphract now pouring in through the now-undefended sector, citizens fleeing and dying before their iron hooves. “Ponyfeathers, they’re in!” Rainbow Dash groaned, plugging the gap with the ten skirmishers that she’d saved up so hard for. “Give me more stuff, Applejack, give me more stuff; I’m going to stop them- “

Poor soldiers were dead within seconds.

“Oh, this is hopeless,” Applejack resigned herself to her fate, voice cracking up unhappily as Twilight’s forces surrounded her new Town Center. “This is hopeless, Rainbow Dash… we’ve lost… there’s no way around it… ”

Balls of fire from Twilight’s trebuchets were raining down on Rainbow Dash’s last castle. Not enough food. Not enough wood. Not enough gold. “Urgh… stupid Twilight… I’m going to win this, I’m going to win this no matter what!” the pegasus shouted, lost in her own delusions…

SAA_IS_BETTER resigned.

Magenta eyes bulged. “Wha- Applejack!” Rainbow Dash turned angrily towards her partner. “Why did you do that? Thanks for hanging me out to dry!”

“There wasn’t anythin’ left, Rainbow,” the orange pony sighed despondently, stretching her forelegs and arching her ridiculously-tense back. “We had no soldiers, no money, and Twilight’s massive army comin’ down hard on the both of us. What exactly was I goin’ to do?”

The pegasus huffed and turned back to her monitor, scowling as another barracks collapsed before the cumulative slashing of Elite Cataphracts. “I expected better from you, AJ!”

“Well if you didn’t attack Twilight with just horse archers,” came the retort, “maybe we wouldn’t have- “

“Shut up, Applejack, just shut up!” Rainbow Dash scowled as she sent another skirmisher to his futile death. “I am going to win this!”

The erstwhile allies sank back into sullen silence.

“Think I’ll be makin’ myself some milk tea,” the cowpony concluded, getting off her chair. “Swear this game is twice as stressful as Zap Apple Buckin’.”

*

“Phoo-ee!” Her Highness stretched out her forelegs. “Wow, Pinkie, who knew we’d actually end up winning this game!”

Argh… Rainbow Dash! How could you lose! You were SO close!

Pinkie Pie nodded happily, tucking into some well-deserved cookies. “That was a great game, Twilight! I had so much fun!”

This can’t be possible! NO WAY I lost this game legit; no way my armies could have lost to Twilight and Pinkie's!

“Uh, maybe for you, Pinkie,” the purple alicorn chuckled. “But anyway – only one Town Center to go now! High-hoof!”

I didn’t do anything wrong! My plan was perfect! I deserved to win!

“HIGH-HOOF!” Pinkie’s forehoof slammed into Twilight’s with victory fervor, the magical pony yelping out in unexpected pain. “We are the best team ever!”

And after all that effort… this is how it ends? With me about to surrender to Twilight and Pinkie Pie?!

“Well, I gotta hoof it to you ponies,” Applejack trotted over, a nice warm up of pale in her hooves. “You both won the game fair and square. Congratulations.”

No way! No way I’m going to lose!

“Thanks, AJ,” the lavender alicorn smiled. “You played well too. In the end, it’s just a game… at least, until these trebuchets unpack and fire at Dash’s last Town Center… ”

I’m going to win, whatever the cost!

Rainbow Dash smiled mysteriously. “Rainbow Dash never loses at Age of Empires,” she murmured softly.

Then in a well-practiced move, her hoof slithered over to the ‘Enter’ key and pressed down.

how do you turn this on

Epilogue

Epilogue

“Thank you so much for a lovely day, Rarity,” Spike mumbled, love-smitten as ever, as the Golden Oaks Library towered before them.

The fashionista ‘awwed’ and ruffled the little dragon’s headspikes playfully. “It was wonderful having you at the Boutique, Spikey-Wikey, and I do hope you’ll pop in again soon. Plus,” – and her mood darkened considerably at the thought – “I can’t have you watching Twilight and her friends play that.”

“Yeah,” Spike murmured, wondering why his love was getting all worked up over this. The only thing he learnt from watching Twilight play was that the Second Council of Nicaea in 787 ended iconoclasm in the Eastern Roman Empire, an utterly irrelevant piece of information that was now stuck like gum in his budding brain.

The white unicorn launched into The Rant as she proceeded up the garden path. “What a beastly little game that is! I mean, I can forgive the awful fashion sense and the corny music effects, the killing- oh, the killing! It’s positively industrial!”

Rarity turned to Spike as she stood before the wooden door, a veritable fire in her eyes. “And let me tell you, Spike: I bet the likes of King Sombra created that horrid piece of evil. It’s corruption of the highest order.”

“I guess so.”

The fashionista leered at the dragon for a long hard while. "Oh well. Let us hope that they’ve ended their infernal session by now… ” She raised her hoof and rapped on the door a few times.

“Twilight! It’s Rari- “

BAM. The door yanked open and a blur of cyan zipped out before anypony could react. “Oh, goodness!” Rarity screamed, jerking her head back to see what was the matter. “What on Earth is the- “

“Help me, R-rarity!” Rainbow Dash stammered, eyes wide open and legs like jelly, desperately seeking shelter behind the white unicorn.

The fashionista was just as shaken. “Rainbow Dash? What has gotten into- “

A gasp as she gazed back at the insides of the Library, looking as if somepony had unleashed the Elements of Harmony on it. Books were strewn everywhere, broken glass and china littering the floor, walls and ceiling blackened and charred, minor fires even burning away in the upper levels.

And in the middle of it all, three very enraged ponies: an orange farm pony, a pink party pony, and a purple alicorn.

“Twilight?” Rarity gawped dumbly. “What has gotten into all of you- “

“RAINBOW DASH!” Her Highness roared as she pawed the ground angrily, steam emanating from her nostrils. “You broke your Pinkie Promise! AGAIN!”

“Nopony breaks a Pinkie Promise!” the normally-bubbly pony snarled, her voice waxing demonic. “Especially not for the fifth time in a row!”

Okay, so that was less than enlightening. “Rainbow! Whatever is going on?!”

“I-it wasn’t fair!” the pegasus retaliated, still ducking behind her friend. “I should have won that game, fair and square! Y-you ponies cheated!”

“Ain’t none of us three been cheatin’ in that game,” Applejack answered softly, menacingly. “You, on the other hoof… ”

“Well it doesn’t matter!” Rainbow Dash suddenly bounced up above Rarity, hovering indignantly over her fellow gamers. “I won again, Twilight! Rainbow Dash never loses at Age of Empires- “

Piao! The weathermare barely dodged a magenta ray fired at her, the projectile soaring past and setting aflame Ponyville Hall.

Princess Sparkle scowled. “Get her, girls... ”

Rarity’s eyes dilated as the two other ponies readied for the pounce. “What- Twilight, no!”

Knightly Spike bravely threw himself before Rarity in an effort to protect his sweet. “I’ll protect you, M'Lady- ”

“GET HER!”

Whoomph! The baby dragon was quickly shunted aside as the combined mass of three ponies crashed into him, his useless body soaring like a bird in mid-air-

“Ahhh!” Rarity’s screams pierced the sky along with a salvo of purple lasers, Rainbow Dash flying too fast for any to score.

A cloud of angry, angry dust emanating from Mane Street as Spike got back onto his aching knees, the dragon immediately scrambling for the fashionista sprawled out some ways back. “Rarity; Rarity! Oh, by Celestia, I’m so, so sorry!”

Rarity lay twitching on the ground, her coiffured mane mangled and matted, her pristine white coat pockmarked with hoof-shaped bruises, her pretty face marred by a filthy black spot over her left eye. The unicorn could only shudder and groan in volcanic rage, Ponyvillian screams and shouts filling out the evening sky as Twilight launched a few more of her magical missiles at her fleeing enemy.

“… I hate that game… ”

~ THE END~

Author's Note

Wow, the story's actually finished (and just under a month after starting as well, hooray!)

Thank you, all readers, for taking the time to look through this random piece of work; and thank you, all commenters, for the effort as well. It is very much appreciated. Apologies if the story didn't turn out like you wanted it to.

All mistakes are mine and Wikipedia's alone.